Book Update – Low Def Cover Sample

Well, things are moving forward.  Everything is formatted and the front page cover art is completely finished!  Here’s a nice little sample of the book cover.  The back page (left) is a WIP while the front is done.

I am very excited about it all and cannot wait to get it up for everyone.  The book I mean…you knew that, though…I hope.

The Golden Age is Gone!

Fear. Panic. Annoyance. Death. Acceptance. Well, okay, maybe acceptance before death, but not always. Not always. As we all have been made aware, The Golden Age has officially come to an end as reported by our council of elders in their watch towers (AKA skyscraper business complexes in various states).

I am here for all of you in this trying time, so don’t worry. As a matter of fact, I am going to assist us in these trying times by offering the soothing voice which will guide many through the darkness in the coming days. Even with The Golden Age at a finish there is a silver lining. That is to say, the Silver Age, with a small “the”, is now here.

Silver, unlike gold, isn’t as pure nor as nice. Gold can do all kinds of things which silver cannot. This is going to be the worst thing for the Silver Age. You see, second place is generally a silver medal. Since second place is the first to lose then silver is the first to suck. Granted, the coming the Silver Age won’t suck as hard as the bronze Age, so there is that.

What can you expect in this the Silver Age? For one thing, you can be sure everything which came before will have been better: Movies, videogames, music, dancing, and food. None of this is going to be as good as The Golden Age, so brace yourself for that. Food will taste less delicious because everything considered “bad”, which gives it flavor, will be removed, leaving a bland, yet more healthy, food item. Movies will be less entertaining and nothing except remakes of great movies in the past without any of the understanding as to why the original was good to begin with. Music will be nothing more than disconnected sounds of cars slamming into each other while a modem screams a connection in the background. Dancing will simply be running around naked while doing the helicopter as dirt is poured from the ceiling, since soap suds has already been done. Videogames will be nothing more than fifteen minute adventures, which will require you to purchase the ability to continue playing after each three minutes for what will eventually become 2.5x what you ORIGINALLY bought the game for and you will also have to pay a monthly subscription fee on top of it as the game designers snort coke of high dollar hookers’ asses while never addressing game play nor hacking issues until it costs them money from said hackers.

the Silver Age may seem bleak, but it’s not going to be all bad. We will be smarter than those who are born during this time. As they grow older, they are moving toward the bronze Age and as such will have less and less common sense than those of us around right now. Eventually, sure, they will be in power, but the vast majority of them will be so mangled from their own stupidity, we will have a nice decline in population, also meaning we will be more beautiful than they are. Not to mention we will always be able to out exercise them due to their obesity and sedentary life style well into our 90’s.

We know Times are Changing simply for the sake of change, but I think we can do this. Allow me to be your guide, your guru, your guy who holds all your money because you can’t be trusted with it. You know this is true. Please, no checks. Cash only.

Together, we can do anything, because of me.

Fantastic Book News! (s)

Well, we’re about through the halfway mark for the formatting process on the first book. I’m currently still writing the novel, but it’s coming along very well.

Big shout out to my buddy for helping with all this editing and formatting. It would be a nightmare otherwise.

You’ll be able to buy the book on Amazon.com and on your Kindle! Once the formatting is done, the artwork will be applied as well, then uploaded for your eager eyes.

Remember when game developers cared? (s)

When people remember the good ‘ole days, it’s usually just because of nostalgia and not because things actually were better.  Well, it may have been better for them as a whole, like when really old people remember when it was better with blacks “in their place”, but that’s not what I’m talking about here.  Not to say all old people or old people in generally are racist.  Look, I know how you people on the Internet do with your moronic white knighting.  Chill out.

What I’m talking about in this entry is when game developers actually cared and did something about cheating or problems with their games. Yeah, believe it or not, there was a time when game developers would actively police their games to ensure a quality experience. Yep, that goes as far as banning cheaters almost immediately. You also didn’t get banned or suspended for playing the single player modes in ways you wanted to, or in ways the developers didn’t intend. Hell, half the time the fun was finding ways to break the game in your favor.

These days with instant hot patching and always on internet access, game developers are punishing players for playing the way they want in the single player modes and forcing people into their shitfest-second fiddle-thrown in just so they can claim to have a multiplayer experience-hack filled multiplayer while not addressing the hacking nor cheating. Look, multiplayer can be great, but game developers need to stop focusing on it or adding it just for fuck all’s reason.

I remember when UbiSoft cared about their multiplayer with Far Cry 1. I can’t speak for FC2 since I never touched the MP part of it. When people would hack and cheat, UbiSoft would ban accounts and even CD Keys. Now? Nope. FC3 and FC4 are filled with hacks and what does UbiSoft do? Suggest you play with friends. When people were hacking on Counter Strike, what did the devs do? MASSIVE ban waves every week! Battlefield 4 is full of hackers and what does DiCE do? Tell you not to make it public, use the Battlelog to submit the report, and then if the player doesn’t affect the leaderboard, they ignore it. Report enough cheaters, with evidence, and YOUR account gets suspended! The hacking and not giving a shit about it by DiCE is so bad, even mentioning the presence of cheating on their forums or on Battlelog gets the post removed almost immediately and your account deactivated for a minimum of 3 days. WTF, guys?!

It’s not just the developers, either. When did people who paid for something stop giving a shit about how unusable it is? When did people who paid for something and had the power to regulate its use stop giving a shit? What is wrong with ALL OF YOU?!

When the Vato Loco Gang clan on Battlefield 3 had a server, we policed it every day. There is a reason we were ranked #3 in the world for favorites and people constantly fought to get into the server, begging for VIP access and even offering to pay for premium spots. Why? Because we ran it like the game SHOULD have been. We banned cheaters, kicked laggers, and made sure people were having FUN rather than dealing with cheating fucks. These days, people are putting up rules for their server, and then not doing anything about it when people hack, cheat, glitch, or go against the server rules. If you aren’t going to enforce fair play, then don’t buy a server.

Destiny is so full of hackers, the PvP is pointless to play, but guess what? Bungie sure as hell forces you to play it. Do they care about it? Yes and no. Fuck no from the point of you enjoying it or banning cheaters. Yes in the way they balance EVERYTHING in the game, which is MMO based, to cater to PvP’tards who cry. Bungie has shown how little they give a shit about the actual RPG aspect of their RPG side, since their changes have made the PvE section a massive struggle thanks to mind boggling weapon balances (in order to cater to PvP’tards who cry), while demonstrating, through their own patch notes, they can EASILY separate PvP and PvE weapon damage! Oh, but don’t worry, they are banning people…who are listed as “unhelpful” or “inactive” on strikes. Not cheating, not lagging, not hacking…but unhelpful… Fuck you, Bungie. Three times. No lube.

Yes, I am RAGING right now. I am beyond fucking pissed off. What the fuck is wrong with developers these days? They act like WE need THEM, when in reality THEY need US, especially with bloated budgets and lowing profit margins. Fuck you, assholes. Start policing your god damn games instead of waiting until all of your expansions are out to get the extra money.

Working on a Book (s)

Gloria Soli Sunrie

Yes, you’re reading that right, I’m working on a book. The book will be based on entries I have written here. Sure I’m also working on my fantasy-fiction stories as well, but I’ve received quite a bit of desire from people to release a book in the style of my weblogs. So, why not?

I’m currently working on filling, editing, and formatting it. Luckily I know previously published authors who are helping me out in order to get things right. I’ll also be looking for a publisher here soon. Hopefully I won’t have to self publish, but even if I do, I’m sure I can get some exposure for the book.

Keep checking back here for updates on the book and also my writings as a whole!

The worst Tuesday night! (Nighter Life Blog)

Welcome back, Nighters.  First of all I’d like to thank all of you.  I’m glad you’ve all been enjoying my entries and made the Nighter Life Blog so popular!  When I first started this blog, I just knew there were others like me out there, I just didn’t realize there were so many of you!  Now I know I’m not alone out there in the Nighter scene and the 2015 Meet-n-Greet was a huge success.  Sure Chuck E. Cheese may not seem as fun at 3AM to other people, but you’re still in their parking lot and you can ogle the cool attractions inside.  Besides, warming their pizza on our car engines made it taste much better.

Sadly, fellow Nighters, I have to tell you about the absolute worst Tuesday night I’ve ever experienced.  This may be a bit of a long story, so grab yourself some coffee, a snack, strip to your underwear and prepare your eyes for the horrors I’m about to tell you.  Yeah, it was really that bad.  Just because I’m a Nighter doesn’t mean I can’t have a bad “day”, as I’m sure you have experienced as well.

This all started when I was startled out of bed at 5PM by my neighbors in my apartment building getting home.  Come one!  It’s 5PM!  People are trying to sleep, am I right?!  I don’t care if you’ve been up for hours, I have not.  Walking around echoing halls while laughing and having a conversation is completely unacceptable this early and it instantly put me in a bad mood.  I tossed and turned for almost an hour, but couldn’t get back to sleep, because I could hear people cooking and honking in traffic outside.

“Fuck it!” I figured and threw the covers off of me.  I wasn’t going to be able to sleep, so I get into the kitchen to make myself up some coffee.  Well, fuck my life because I was out.  Being as groggy as I was this early I didn’t feel I would be safe to drive to get some more.  After all, I don’t normally get up quite this early, especially after not being able to sleep.  Instead I decided to make some tea.  Only problem is, I only had iced tea bags, so the flavor was…well…it tasted okay, I guess, but it was just sort of meh.

Since this was my Saturday  I didn’t have to work.  I clicked on the TV and saw all the early news broadcasts.  I hate early news broadcasts, though.  They’re too long and never get to the point.  That’s why I like the late broadcasts shown around 6AM.

Time was fast approaching to get out of the house and have some fun!  Being a fisherman myself, I grabbed my fishing poles and head out for some mid-early fishing!  Catfish and carp are active during this time, as well as massive walleye, and the moon was full.  Thanks to that cancer causing fireball in the sky from earlier, the temperature was lovely.  Hell there wasn’t even a chilling breeze.  I managed to get some beer  before the day walker catered/Nighter biased store closed.

As I said, the weather was perfect.  My beer was chilled and my line was in the water.  The best part of this was no one else was on the lake.  I know…you’re wondering why this was the worst Tuesday night…I’m getting to that.

Well, just so happens the lake wasn’t empty for very long.  A bunch of teenagers showed up to party on the shore a little way down.  These weren’t Nighters, these were just kids on summer break looking to get shit faced.  Well, their bonfire was so bright, my retinas are actually damaged!  On top of that, my skin turned red from glow.  Sure I put on enough sun block to sit under a full moon, but the bonfire was so out of control, my defenses failed.

Being done with their rude interruptions, I decided to pack up my things and move down the shore to a more secluded spot.  While I was looking for a new spot, thanks to my damaged eyes from the light, I fell into a deep pothole and twisted my leg.  Did the teenagers help?  No, they mocked my screaming and turned up their music!  I swear they were implying I was complaining about their music choice, when in reality I needed help.  So, for two hours I drug myself through the mud, dirt, and grass towards the road.  When I finally reached it, a Nighter squirrel, for lack of a better name for it, must have believed I was an invader in their territory and repeatedly bit my face.  Lying on the ground, beaten and bitten, the squirrel decided to pee in my eye socket as one last insult.

“How can this get any worse?!” I thought to myself.  Turns out…when you’re on the ground in a dark area and a car is traveling at approximately sixty miles an hour, you’re hard to see.  The car ran over my left out stretched hand with both the front and rear passenger side tires!  Screaming once again, both blood and squirrel piss running down my face, I was suddenly illuminated by  bright light.

“Oh, thank you god!” I thought and shouted out loud, believing I was to be saved.  No.  If you remember from KickleMcGickle’s post about a month ago, there have been many sightings of strange objects in the sky at night here.  I can testify now these sightings are all absolutely true!  Before my very pee stained eyes an alien vessel descended down upon me and used some kind of light beam to get me on board.

Now, I don’t remember what happened between floating up to the ship and suddenly being inside, but when I woke up, I was completely naked.  I don’t mean to brag, but given what I bring to the party, I’ve never been too worried about being naked in front of anyone…or anything.  These things must have been wearing space suits, because I couldn’t really make out any features except what people must think are their large eyes and small nose and mouth.  There’s no way this was their skin.

I couldn’t understand what they were saying, but one of them helped me off the table and motioned for me to follow.  It’s not like I had a choice or anything, though.  So, with my dork on full display, I walked down a few hallways, seeing many other people and animals in strange rooms.  We finally got to a room which had several strange shapes, I assume their language, and what looked like two aliens screwing.

“Well, at least it shouldn’t be too bad!” is what I thought entering in.  There were aroma therapy candles, a large bed with what seemed to be silk sheets, and Barry Manilow music playing.  Look, I know what you’re thinking, but the sexy lighting, smell of the candles, and Barry Manilow singing gave me an instant, very impressive boner.  This seemed to make the alien happy, because it jumped back a bit and started clapping.

Again, I know you’re wondering how this still turned into the worst Tuesday ever.  I’m getting to that.

Thinking I was about to get some hot human on human or human on alien sex action, I walked to the bed and sat down with one leg up, letting my huge dong be on full display.  The alien left and I heard the door lock.  At this point I didn’t know what to think.  A tone sounded, followed by alien chatter, and a hole opened on the wall too high for me to use as a glory hole.

Guess what?  It wasn’t a glory hole anyway.  From the hole the same god damn squirrel which bit my face and pissed in my eye came flying through and landed on the table in the middle of the room.  “What the fuck?” I asked out loud.  The alien chatter came through, but I didn’t understand.  After being yelled at a few times,somehow I was administered several shocks around my butt and genitals.  As I got closer to the squirrel the voice began demanding something again.

“I’m not fucking a squirrel!” I screamed.  Once again I was shocked, more violently than before, and the squirrel seemed to be hypnotized and presented itself to me.  At this point I was balling my eyes out and the voice was screaming while I got shocked.

For six hours I was forced to have sex with that squirrel.  I was only allowed fifteen seconds to drink a sports drink between screwing sessions, which lasted a minimum of twenty minutes a piece.  The hard and more erotic I made it seem while I had sex with the squirrel, the less I was shouted at, so that’s what I did.  Collapsing on the bed after six hours of sweaty squirrel sex, I passed out.

When I awoke, it was Thursday!  I woke up in my own bed at 7PM.  I had marks on my face and pink eye from the piss.  I cried all day yesterday and today, even as I type this to you all.  The worst part of all of this is I had a knock on my door extremely early today, around 1PM.  I was served legal papers for a DNA test in regards to paternity!  The issuer wishes to remain anonymous until I provide the sample, but I have a feeling it’s that fucking squirrel!  Bitch already had my nuts and now it wants everything else!

So…there you have it…my absolute worst Tuesday night of my life…and this comes on the tail of getting locked inside a full porta-potty in the middle of a mosh pit with it getting tossed around at a Limp Bizkit concert!

Thank you for choosing Blue Raven Séance

Dear customer,

Thank you very much for your interest in my séance services. I know in the competitive market for contacting the spirit world, you have a lot of choices, and you have chosen to use Blue Raven Séance! Through your diligent research, you have seen I am the best choice for you and understand we have a psychic pairing already.

Before you sign on with me as your séance provider, there are a list of rules we must go over. Do not worry, as this is all standard procedure and helps to eliminate some questions you may already have. I appreciate you taking the time to go over these, and look forward to hearing from you once you are finished.


1. At least three people must attend
Three people are required to summon the spirits in order for us to speak with them. You know the saying “Two’s a company and three’s a crowd”? Well, maybe for a date, but during a séance that saying is malarkey. You see, three people help with the psychic vibrations spirits use to find their way to us. Two people, one of which is the psychic, just isn’t strong enough to get their attention.
 
 
2. Have an idea who you would like to talk to
You wouldn’t just start dialing random numbers when you want to speak to Pizza Hut, would you? No, of course not! If you don’t have an idea who you would like to talk to, we’re just dialing randomly and could end up with a really nasty fellow on the other line. It’s like ringing the line of someone who is not only getting into the shower at the time, but are also ready to bone down on a real hottie. It’s just rude and dangerous, since the spirits can “trace the call” into your living room.
 
 
3. Have each guest write down a few questions and submit them to me
It’s just nice to have an idea on what you’d like me to focus the conversation on with the spirits. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to use this in order to do research and get things staged… You believe me, right? Of course you do. I’m psychic after all!
 
 
4. Respect the circle
This includes your other guests, the spirits, and most importantly: ME! You will not speak out of turn and you will not get up and move around. This makes sure the only thing you hear is what I want you to hear. What I mean, of course, is the spirits and what not…yeah…
 
 
5. No video or audio taping
Look, this is a séance and not an amateur sex tape, okay? Respect the privacy of the spirits and don’t record this in anyway. You won’t be allowed to have cell phones, since an active cell phone is known to be very dangerous to ghosts. I’m not kidding! Getting a text message or phone call when a ghost is in the area is just like killing them all over again. Spirits do not like to come back as the spirit of a spirit. It makes things very complicated when they get sorted through on the way back to the after life.
 
 
6. Candles…lots and lots of candles
I’m talking a metric ass load (which is the professional term) of candles. I will need so many candles your neighbors will call the fire department because they think the place is completely engulfed with flames on the inside. Don’t use candles which are for aroma therapy. You’ll want to smell what the ghosts are cooking.
 
 
7. I will not speak to animals
I’m sad to even feel the need to include this, but after an encounter with a lady’s dead cat, this is a must. Did I say cat? I mean bangle fucking tiger! Yeah, no shit! This lady calls me over to her place to speak to “Mr. Cuddle Butt”, her dead “cat”, and was willing to pay me an ungodly amount of money, so I was all like, “Hell yeah!” Well, when I get there and do the séance, I was able to make contact. Rather, it made contact with my scrotum with a nailed claw. Never…ever…again!
 
 
8. Time of the séance is extremely important
Unlike most Hollywood troupes, the time of the séance really is extremely important. From 11:30PM until 02:30AM is the time to do this. As such, I will require many accommodations made so I can prepare when I reach your home around 02:00PM. These are highlighted below.
 
 
9. Accommodation requirements
Since I will need time to set up, you will be providing me with a room to sleep in and all meals. If you don’t give this to me things won’t go well during the séance. I’m not in to Taco Bell or Domino’s Pizza. No, you will provide me with either mid-quality dining such as Chili’s or TGI Friday’s, or you will make for me a grand homemade dinner. However, if the person making the homemade meal is not a good cook, don’t bother! Look, I’ll even take going to a buffet such as Golden Corral. It better be a nice Golden Corral, though.

I’m also going to need full access to a complete gym. If your idea of a gym is a few free weights, a treadmill, and maybe a yoga ball, you need to get a membership to a better gym.
 
 
10. No children under the age of 13
Look, kids suck and they fuck everything up. Okay? Good.
 
 
11. I have no liability if things go wrong
I’m not going to lie… A séance is really dangerous. I’m serious! A few houses have been sucked in to another plain of existence all together during a séance. There’s also the risk of possession, mass murder, and a lifetime of being haunted by evil spirits. Don’t even get me started on how the pathway can remain open and how your home can be flooded with demons or even your soul being like fly paper in which they stick to you until you die, dragging you to limbo. So, yeah, no, I’m not responsible for any of that. This is your choice to do this. Understood?
 
 
12. Consultation and Deposit required up front
Because this is considered a consultation, you need to pay me $45 right now for all of this. Also, you’ll have to give me the initial deposit of…I don’t know…let’s say $250 right now. None of this is refundable. Thanks!


Those are my general rules for using my services. I’m sure we’ll have a great working relationship.

Sincerely,

Blue Raven