For the first installment of Nerd Speak, we join Sunrie and Wyldfyre as they discuss DC Comic characters with disabilities which negate their super abilities.
#1 – Flash: Diabetes with no legs or has Parkinson
Sunrie: Imagine the Flash being so fat he ended up with Type II Diabetes! That super speed sure as hell isn’t helping now, is it, fatty? Seventy six hot dogs an hour isn’t exactly the best diet!
Wyldfyre: Or a the best for speed! Or even seventy six hot dogs a minute. I’m sure he can speed digest. I mean, I don’t know that…but…you know…
Sunrie: I know Michael Phelps has one hell of a caloric intake each day, but can you imagine what this guy must go through? What if no one told him about limiting his sugar intake?
Wyldfyre: He’s got, like, speed diabetes! He has to take those shots every five seconds. “Fuck! I broke that needle off in my asshole, guys!” Yeah, they’re super heroes, but they’re only human, too. Bad things can happen them at the worst times. “I’m fighting my arch-nemesis, but I got the dye-bet-as!”
Sunrie: True enough…what if he had that Michale J. Fox thing…Parkinsons?
Wyldfyre: Oh, god, dude. yes, he’d shake so fast he would end up, like, takING a nap and end up in dinosaur era, or some time in the future when everyone has his powers. The problem is, they wouldn’t have Parkinsons, so he could see what his life would be like. Better yet, he would phase! He’d shake so fast he’d end up in the center of the Earth. He’s phased before.
Sunrie: No shit…
Wyldfyre: Would lava hurt you if you’re phased? Would you just come out the other side like the Earth just cummed you out? You know, like the Earth just shit you out?
Sunrie: I think it’s time to move on…
#2 – Superman: Xeroderma pigmentosum
Sunrie: “Hey, guys, I’m powered by the sun, but that sun kills me. Fuck you! I’m only going out at night!”
Wyldfyre: “I’m the night time super hero! If a train goes off the cliff at noon, then you’re on your own, so fuck you!”
Sunrie: “Oh, the sun is so bright and scary…let the day time guys take care of that!”
Wyldfyre: “I”m not a man…I’m a SUPERMAN!” First, it’s a normal day for Clark Kent, but he walks out the door and beam of sunlight hits his arm catches on fire. He starts running, screaming cause he’s on fire… The very thing that gives him power is his second kryptonite.
Sunrie: He’d be a total night owl.
Wyldfyre: Yeah, he’d be a fat bastard like the Flash, jerking off to Internet porn all day. “Ooooooh, Louis Lane! I’d love to get with you, but the sun burns me!” Kind of like the Thundercats enemies who can’t go in the daytime. I mean…even the moon reflects the sun.
Sunrie: I don’t think as much…but if he’s out all night and not in the day I’m sure he could still get a suntan. Which brings up a good question I’ve always wondered: Why isn’t Superman at least as orange as one of those cock-suckers from Jersey Shore?
Wyldfyre: Yes…the good thing, though, is he doesn’t have to put up with Snooky. Fucking Superman.
#3 – Lex Luthor: Brain tumor
Wyldfyre: I can see this. All bad shit! I envision the Justice League seeing a 20K” TV, which Batman bought, and he laughs, “Hahahah, guys! I did…uh…something…to piss…uh…SOMEONE off…What did I do? Hold on, I got a phone call…uh, hello? Uh huh…yeah…what?” This is all going on during the screen time with the Justice League. It’s really awkward.
Sunrie: He’s around a level 9 intelligence or some bullshit, and his brain is being eaten away like Steven Hawking’s legs.
Wyldfyre: Nothing. I’m sure he did get cancer at one point.
Sunrie: No…I think the only reason he wore the suit to fight Superman, if that’s what you’re thinking.
Wyldfyre: No, he got cancer. Let me check the Wiki!
Sunrie: Oh dear god…
Wyldfyre: Says he cured cancer! Oh, this is about the wrestler…oh, no wait…no it isn’t. Turns out he did get cancer by wearing a kryptonite ring!
Sunrie: HAHAHAH! What a fucktard!
Wyldfyre: Why didn’t they realize there was some radiation if it was affecting Superman?
Sunrie: Uh…because DC and fuck you?
#4 – Batman: Afraid of the dark
Sunrie: Technically, bats don’t see in the dark, they use ultra-sonic…some shit or another…to find their way. It’s basically Doppler radar, but they don’t have to pay for it. It’s kind of cool. From what I can tell, Batman has all the features of a bat on his outfit, without the cool powers.
Wyldfyre: Pretty much. He’s, like, the spoiled rich bitch, who can order everything through E-bay. He can take down all the other characters, because they were stupid enough to tell him.
Sunrie: I would never tell anyone my weakness! Pussy doesn’t count, because I’m a man.
Wyldfyre: If Batman was afraid of a the dark, would he be screaming for Alfred to hold his hand as he goes back up to the mansion? He’d have to call himself Daywalker or something. “I am vengeance, I am the DAY!!! I AM DAYWALKER!”
Sunrie: I’m sure there is a super hero named Daywalker, but don’t quote me on that.
Wyldfyre: He’d HAVE to change his name! Birdman would suck, and he’s already an attorney. Lemur-Man? He’d have to be like Sunlight man. His outfit would have a smiling sun drawn by some four year old.
Sunrie: Captain Sunshine is probably what his name would be. He’d be the happiest super hero ever. He’d be Superman’s arch-enemy, too.
Wyldfyre: The Joker would just turn off the lights and cattle prod him to the penis. That’d suck. I’d hate to die like that. Rant over.
Sunrie: Dude…what the fuck?
#5 – Martian Manhunter: Xenophobe
Sunrie: I’ve never really understood or even know shit about Martian Manhunter. I know his name is John or some stupid shit…because, you know, that’s a god damn Martian name. Why are Martians always green? Even Cowboy Bebop had Spike who had green hair.
Wyldfyre: Spike wasn’t an alien, was he?
Sunrie: He was from Mars.
Wyldfyre: Oh, that’s right. Martian Manhunter is like the Charlie Brown of the DC Universe. He changes into a human to keep people from knowing aliens are among them, except, you know, SUPERMAN!
Sunrie: I was going to bring that up.
Wyldfyre: Yeah, in the animated series, I’m sure he’s a black guy, so, you know, equally useless.
Sunrie: I don’t know how to argue…
Wyldfyre: He’d hate all humans because, to him, WE are the aliens. He’d have a hick accent and speak like Foghorn Leghorn. His people taught us to build the pyramids!
Sunrie: Would he want us to leave?
Wyldfyre: Of course! His kind were here first! To him, we’re all higgers!
Wyldfyre: That’s what they call us!
Sunrie: Oh, that makes sense.
Wyldfyre: If he’s drinking at the bar, disguised as a black dude, and someone comes in while he’s drinking, he’d throw a fit because he’d refuse to pay for some higger giving him a drink.
Sunrie: I think we got a little side tracked.
#6 – Wonder Woman: Afraid of heights
Sunrie: Wonder Woman is a joke, but not on purpose. What good is a lasso which makes people tell the truth? “I have you in a lasso which makes you tell the truth!” she says…followed by him going, “NICE FUCKING TITS!!! I WANT TO FUCK YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING!!!”
Wyldfyre: Let’s give her some arm things…and a god damn lasso, and an invisible god damn jet. That makes so much sense. What if she catches someone and asks something stupid like, “Do you have a crush on me?!” Does it work if you just touch it? Does she have to tell the truth all the time? That would be against the nature of women, anyway.
Sunrie: True, but that’s just a normal stupid thing about her, like the invisible jet itself. We’re going into things which would be a disability besides being a woman.
Wyldfyre: It’s like you don’t want to give her a disability since she was written by a retard, obviously. You have Batman, who’s amazing, you have Superman who’s the Goku of the DC universe, then you have Wonder Woman *retard voice* I have an invisible jet! */retard voice* Let’s just give her an invisible jet!
Sunrie: True. How does she even find that damn thing? I have a hard time imagining her feeling her way through the damn airfield for 20 minutes…or someone crashing into it.
Wyldfyre: If she was afraid of heights, since she can fly now, I can see it all, “Captain Cocksuck is getting away!’ She’d be running while everyone else is taking off and flying, even Batman who’s in his Bat-plane.
Sunrie: Captain Cocksuck???
Wyldfyre: I had to make up a vilian. How about Sergeant Cock’n’balls?
Sunrie: Not better…
Wyldfyre: Anyway, what if she had to climb a tower and was the only one who could get up there? Imagine a bomb which would destroy all time and space, but she’s the only hope. Would she shit herself after fifteen feet? Can you imagine shit through that g-string she wears? It’d be like a cheese grader!
Sunrie: It’d be chocolate rain…just don’t drink it.
Wyldfyre: Back on the plane: Why would someone from Greek mythology need an invisible JET?! I WANT TO KICK THE WRITER IN THE NUTS!!
Sunrie: Again, because DC and fuck you.
Wyldfyre: Batman’s like, “Everyone can fly now but me, what the fuck, man?”
#7 – Green Lantern: Germaphobe
Wyldfyre: So, would they have to put him in a bubble? Well, not everyone who has this disease is in a bubble, but what if they had to?
Sunrie: He’d be like a hamster in a wheel, which would be hilarious.
Wyldfyre: The act of him putting that ring on itself is what made him so sick. The aliens didn’t realize the human immune system was so fragile. Sadly, the bubble couldn’t be a construct of his own power, it has to be an actual bubble.
Sunrie: His powers also couldn’t go outside of the bubble. He’d never get with a woman…ever.
Wyldfyre: Yeah, he’d be all like, “All the day, and black of night, no woman will escape my sight!” He’d be fucking a green version of the chick he always wanted, but his dick is flopping all over the place.
Sunrie: It’d be like Game of Thrones, but his dick would be hard. Still, would his own dick snot make him sicker?
Wyldfyre: It is coming from him…he’d probably clean it up with some magic Mr. Clean who’s all green and shit.
#8 – Joker: Tree huger
Wyldfyre: I can actually kind of see this! Batman would be at a peace rally and Joker is chanting, “Stop this war! Stop this war!” Batman is just chilling when Joker turns to him and asks if he knows how he got the scars. Turns out Joker got the scars from hugging a tree and the bark cut his face up.
Sunrie: Well, Liberalism is a mental illness. So, this is plausible.
Wyldfyre: Joker would have to call himself like, Flower Spit, since he turned over a new leaf.
Sunrie: That’s a really bad pun…
Wyldfyre: Well, I like it…I really like it!
Sunrie: I’m just glad we didn’t go with the obvious of Joker not being funny.