10 Things You Didn’t Know You Can Do in Red Dead Redemption 2 – Number 9 Will Blow You Away!

The latest epic by Rockstar Games has been out for some time now, and it’s no surprise there are a ton of things players have found out you can do that wasn’t stated outright. Just like in Grand Theft Auto 5, many secrets have been found and solved. Everything from actual aliens to Yetis has been proven to be in the game. We’re not here to talk about Easter eggs, though. Here’s a list of things players have found out they can do in epic, and realistic, fashion.

Oh, and there will be spoilers on number ten. Be warned!

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1. Use your lasso on larger animals for quick, clean kill
Tired of tying to get the perfect shot on deer, elk, pigs, bears, goats, sheep, and dogs? Toss out your lasso and walk towards them. They will be locked in place and enable you too get a clean kill with a prompt once you are close enough. Don’t run out of stamina, though!

 

2. Herd Sheep / Become a Shepard
Ever wanted to live your life not as an outlaw, but as a Shepard? Well, now you can! Yes, that’s right. You can epic murder a family running a farm and take it over. Afterward, you can herd their sheep or sheep you have found in the world into corrals and raise them. There is an incredibly detailed breeding system built into the game, almost as if Rockstar Games was hoping you would find this and play the game this way. Once you’ve figured out the breeding, you’ll want to start entering them into animal shows and selling off wool, as well as mutton, for money. It’s the fastest way to get a wife in the game as well.

 

3. You can change your horse follow distance with a whistle
Want your horse to be right up on your butt? Then tap the up arrow. Want your horse to follow a bit further back? Then hold the up arrow. This gives you distance options at the tap or hold of a button.

 

4. Self Reflection and Loathing
There are a lot of deep themes in RDR2. Players have found out Arthur Morgan can self narrate and find loathing in his actions by looking in a mirror. If you rent a hotel room for the night, you will be given the ability to look at the mirror. Arthur Morgan will then go on a monologue, the length of which will depend on how long it’s been since your last self confession. Be warned, though, if you’re in the epilogue and haven’t done this, the dialogue will be at least thirty minutes long…even longer if you’ve played an outlaw.

 

5. Punch Horse in the Testicles / Vagina for Funny Dialogue Options
Rockstar Games was very happy and proud of itself when they talked about how the testicles on a horse would shrink in the cold weather. What they didn’t tell people, however, is the hilarious dialogue options you get when you punch a horse in the testicles or the vagina! Here’s a video and transcript of it happening when out with oft hated Micha:

*Arthur Morgan punches his horse in the testicles*
Arthur Morgan: HAHAHA! Look at ’em go!
Micha: You know they’re good for more than punching, Morgan.
Arthur Morgan: What the hell are you on about now, Micha?
Micha: I’m just saying you can do more than, you know, punch them like that. There’s more you can do to a horse’s dangling bits.
Arthur Morgan: Micha…you’re too god damn strange for me.
*Arthur Morgan then kicks Micha’s horse in the vagina. Micha is bucked off and the horse begins to prance around making lots of noise*

 

Arthur Morgan: HAHAHAHAHA! I guess you’re right, Micha

6. Have Lunch with a Soiled Dove
Probably the most controversial of all mechanics in the newest Red Dead Redemption game is how you must keep Arthur’s weight up by eating and drinking. Turns out, it opens up a lot of options players didn’t know about before. Playing as a nice person as opposed to a rogue allows you to have lunch with several prostitutes, known as soiled doves at the time. As long as you helped to build the church in the second free range mission of the game (and attended at least two of the sermons), you will be able to hire one of these girls and…have lunch with them in order to talk about the wonders of Jesus. If your charisma stat is high enough when you do this, you will be able to save the soil of one of these once damned ladies. The “redemption” part of Red Dead Redemption 2 isn’t just about Arthur Morgan after all.

 

7. Use the Restrooms
Eat too much and you’ll be forced into one of the many standing outhouses.

8. Ride with a Gang
One of the biggest surprises in the game is the ability to ride with an gang of outlaws! That’s right! You no longer have to play the character in a linear fashion. Unlike the first game in the series, in which you played Jack Marston (who is in the game as a little kid, by the way), as you left your banking job for a life on the prairie to be a farmer, you can now choose to be a gang member instead. This does, however, require you to play the game like a rogue almost all the time. You’ll be doing everything from kidnapping to burning down farms, plus everything in between. While you may never get to be the leader of the gang, no matter how high your intelligence and charisma stat, the leader is a charismatic person. Just have some god damn faith in him.

 

9. Shoot Guns!!!
It’s not easy to learn how, but once you figure it out, you’ll have the time of your life shooting guns! Rockstar Games avoided the majority of the controversy by allowing your character to actually be able to not only shoot but buy and legally own firearms at all ^{(not even a background check to keep everyone safe!!!)} by making it hard to figure out. Not only can you buy guns, but also the bullets to use them! This is all thanks to the game taking place in a fantastical American setting. Once you locate the buildings which sell the guns, you can simply walk in, buy one, buy the bullets, and walk out of the building with it…in mere seconds. It was truly the Wild West!

 

10. Fly Like Superman
The strangest of all things people have figured out. Turns out…Arthur Morgan is a super hero! Why most players didn’t realize this is not completely surprising. There is a very quick mention of it during the tenth mission in Level 8, which comes in around 10 hours of gameplay without doing side missions:

Annabelle: Oh, Mister Morgan…I just wish you’d fly me out of here like you did in the old days.
Arthur Morgan: You and I both know that was a long time ago. This bird is caged…not that I don’t think about it every now and again, mind you.
Annabelle: Well, if you ever find those happy thoughts again, let me know. I remember sitting on top of that waterfall with you for hours.

Most everyone figured this was just poetic imagery between the two ill-fated love birds. Nope! Turns out, if you go to Donner Falls during the exploration phase, you get a prompt to “meditate” and a pretty cool cutscene. We won’t spoil it all here, though. Go see if for yourself. Fast travel was cut because you don’t need it when you can fly at high speeds!

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Well, there you have it. Ten things you probably didn’t know you can do in Red Dead Redemption 2. Are there any we missed? Are there anymore you have discovered? Let’s us know in the comments!

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Blue Dawn: Recounting the Smurf War

Pride. They say pride comes before the fall. The Bible says in Proverbs 16:5, “Everyone who is proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD; Assuredly, he will not be unpunished.” Pride is even defined by Merriam-Webster as “A feeling that you are more important or better than other people.” It is pride  exactly why the world suffered the tragedies during what we now call The Blue Dawn when we battled against the Smurfs. Tragedy is a soft word compared to the horrendous nature of the event, and only those who fought, survived, and are now haunted by the event can tell the true nature of what actually happened.

Recounted here is but one soldier’s experience during the war. Yes, it is heavily abridged, as the tale is long and melts the iciest of hearts. The information comes from many points of view and are woven together in this yarn as one cohesive piece told from the first person. As the dawn gives way to the twilight, so to does the darkness give way to light, even if the soothing morning light feels more distant and slower to come than the blanketing of darkness. We will live. We will heal. We must never forget.

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Blue on Black: When it began

BRRZ! BRRZ! BRRZ! The alarm set on my cell phone next to my bed screamed as though it were a banshee alerting the world to its arrival, while the vibration function I always had set caused the phone to dance on the wireless charging port. Groaning, I turned and picked the wicked thing up, desperately trying to slide the screen to “off”. With so much fog in my head and blurring in my eyes, my phone fought with me all the way to the bathroom. I swear, this damned device knew me too well to simply be allowed to shut off right away.

Managing to silence this accursed device, I looked down as I began to brush my teeth. 4:01 AM Central European Time Zone (GMT+1). Formation would be at 5:00 AM and I couldn’t be late. I was never late. I’m sure everyone wants to know…and yes…I was stuck with a “bad company”, but not because I was a screw up or a criminal. Don’t get me wrong, most of the people I served with were. I just had a “bad attitude” and pissed off the wrong people enough times to end up here. They thought it would be hilarious to make me a corporal instead of a sergeant and put me in charge of a squad of people who were both accused and convicted of crimes, but their efficiency and penchant for acceptable violence would have been wasted in the stockade over in Leavenworth. The one blessing, however, is I was at Caserma Del Din, attached as back up for the 173rd Airborne Brigade Combat Team.

I had just jumped into the shower and allowed the warm water to massage my body, washing away the previous day and cleansing me for the new to day to come, when I first felt it.

Rattle. Rattle. Small shake.

At first I payed little attention to it, rationalizing it as me being still in the process of waking up.

Rattle. Stronger shake. Rattle. Rattle.

There it was again. This time, a little heavier and more obnoxious. I stepped forward in the shower, the water still hitting my back, and touched the wall. Maybe it was just the water heater or the pipes?

Boom followed by an extremely large tremor then rattling and shaking. I heard the sirens going off, so I swiped the razor down my face one last time and leapt out of the shower with the fury of a honey badger. I had never dressed so fast in my life and I left the house with such fever that I didn’t even bother to lock my door.

My god. The world was on fire! Explosions rocked the area not far from me and the smoke was filling the sky. Many of the families were screaming and making their way to the designated safe zones.

“Calahan! WAIT UP!” I called out to one of my platoon mates and jumped into the street as I saw him rushing up in a jeep.

“Abromoff! You’re alive!” Calahan screamed after his vehicle came to a screeching halt, “Get the fuck in!!!” I didn’t need any convincing, and I jumped into his HMVEE. I was barely inside when he took off down the street. Looking around, I saw several of my squad mates in the vehicle as well, looking as confused and amped up as I was.

“God damn Muslim invasion?!” Murai asked, looking around at the chaos outside.

“No fucking way, dude!” Garney stated, as if he already knew, “There’s no way they could catch us that off guard! Not here, man!”

“Then what the hell is going on? Who’s attacking us?!” I asked, knowing full well no one else knew, but I couldn’t help it. I was nervous and angry. Calahan was doing one hell of a job as he drove through the bits of upturned asphalt and pot holes. There was  suddenly flash of light and pressure. I remember hearing Calahan say, “Oh sh..” before the noise deafened me.

What is it like to be in an explosion? Pressure, heat, and chaos. It is all pressure, heat and chaos my dear friends. If ever in my life I had known I was to avoid Hell at all costs, this was it. The ringing in my ears was unbearable and I was so disoriented I couldn’t even understand that I was still alive, and relatively unhurt. I crawled several feet through the wreckage before having enough strength to push myself up onto my knees, belly down. Strange how in these moments you can remember some things so clearly and focus on something that seems so irrelevant… Below me was a piece of yellow paper. I reached down and picked it up.

“Wrapping paper?” I thought as I wrinkled it in my fist. I must have blacked out at that moment, because the next thing I remember is being draped across Captain Santos’ shoulder as he ran down the street and into a building. Guess I made some kind of noise, because he set me down gently in a chair and knelled in front of me.

“Abromoff? You with me? Hey! You with me soldier?” Santos asked, gently slapping me on the face. I could hear again. Thank God. Still, I could only nod in affirmative and weakly salute.

“Good!” he stated and stood up, and looked around the room, “Now listen up, assholes. We’re obviously being invaded. Every major military installation across the world is being hit right now.”

“God damn sand niggers!” I heard a voice in the back call out.

“Shut your god damn cock holster, private! This is no Islamic Jihad! When I say EVERY major military installation across the world is being hit, I mean EVERY nation and EVERY military is being hit! Terrorist training camps are being wiped out left and right,” Captain Santos informed everyone. There was a hush which actually helped me snap out of my daze.

“If it’s not a Jihad, what is this, sir?” I asked, finally able to speak and sitting up straighter.

“I saw it,” I heard Calahan say. He was alive? Oh thank god…so was Murai and Garney! Those three were always the luckiest sons of bitches I had ever known. Their luck must have rubbed off on me.

“What did you see, private?” Captain Santos asked with absolute interest.

“What’s attacking us. Well, I didn’t see it really clearly, but, I swear to you god…Look, I’m not trying to get a fucking section 8 here, okay?” Calahan stated, waiving his hands at everyone, “I’m not a fucking lunatic, got it?”

“Well, what the hell did you see?!” Winther, one of our sergeants asked, “That’s an order. OUT WITH IT!”

“Okay, look…it was small so I didn’t see it all that well, but it right before the explosion I swear I saw something blue running away just before from where the explosion happened,” Calahan told him.

“What?!!” a voice I didn’t recognize at the time shouted from behind me.

“That’s all I’m saying!” Calahan stated and sat back down.

“Right. At least it’s something. We’re two blocks from the armory. Everyone stick together and move like a god damn trained platoon of soldiers, got it?!” Captain Santos shouted and moved toward the back door indicating everyone to follow him.

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Truth is a Stranger Thing Than Fiction

Two months. It had been two months since the start of the attack and we still couldn’t believe what was happening. The Smurfs. The god damn fucking Smurfs were attacking us all around the world. Many people didn’t even believe they existed, or even knew, kind of how some people thought Narwhals are mythical creatures, even in this modern day. What did we really know about them anyway? The information we had said there was only one village in a place called The Forbidden Forest, either in France or England. Story goes only the Smurfs and Mother Nature knew the actual location. There was a place in Juzcar, Spain nicknamed The Smurf Village because of the blue houses. We thought they were doing it as a joke and a simple reference. No one thought it was to appease the ever growing angry and violent Smurfs in the area. How were we supposed to know there was more than one Smurf village?

We had been moved to RAF Lakenheath to get briefed on a counter attack in order to take back London. This entire thing was a shit show from the beginning. We had been caught with our pants down because we thought the Smurfs were beneath us, in stature, in resourcefulness, and in technology. Smurfs are 3 inches to 7.5 inches tall? My ass. These things were proportioned like the cartoon drawings of them, but stood on average four feet tall. Strong as hell, too. What they lacked in pure military training they made up for in pure aggression. No idea how many of these things they were. They seemed endless.

All said and done, my battalion had lost over 100 men and we were nearing bare bones in supplies. This was going to be one last ditch effort to get a supply line back as well as take back a major city. We were beginning to see success in many locations by changing our tactics. War was never going to be the same, because if World War II didn’t end all wars, this was simply teaching every military regime in the world a different way to fight…and human nature always proves we’ll use it against each other rather than a realization we need to stop fighting all together.

Every time we had a briefing it was depressing. We were being told we were going to fight, but then we never would. Every briefing ended the same: Promises of action followed by waiting around. The Army motto really should just officially change to “Hurry and Wait!”

“Something has been bothering me,” Garney stated as we made our way to the briefing room.

“Just one thing?” I asked mockingly.

“Oh, fuck you,” Garney said in defense, “Remember when this all started and Calahan said he saw something small run away from where the explosion happened? Then why are we fighting Smurfs the size of middle school kid?” This was a fair question, and one no one even seemed to consider or bring up. Why were the Smurfs so tall? Did we just have the wrong information? Were there smaller Smurfs sent out for recon? If so, then how could we ever know if we were being watched? They’d be like rats sneaking in to the pantry through the tiniest hole.

“Look, what I saw was small. I don’t know why these ones are big, okay?” Calahan stated flatly.

“Who cares. Just let me kill more. I haven’t killed enough of those peyos!” Murai stated and pounded his chest. It was a sentiment I agreed with, but never actually said out loud. We had taken to offensively naming them peyo after the scientist who first recorded them back in the 1950’s and published the earliest research papers about them. Before that, they were either considered extinct or a myth. Like the coelacanth.

We reached the briefing room and took our usual seats. That’s strange…leading today’s briefing was as colonel leading the briefing today. Colonel Finch, actually. She had earned a reputation for going out into the field and fighting, actually leading charges, rather than sitting back and drinking while wondering if there really was a battle even actually going on. This woman had bigger and badder balls than most of the people I knew. Probably even myself.

“No way!” I heard Murai whisper as he saw the colonel standing at the front and beginning the presentation, “If she’s here…we might actually get to do something.”

“Alright. Everyone shut up and listen because this is important, I out rank you, and we’re going full battle rattle after this!” Colonel Finch belted out. It was like she was wearing a microphone with how powerful her voice projected, “We’re taking London back. TODAY. I will not settle for anything less than complete victory and no casualties. This is a four part strike mission. You are part three of this four part attack and we don’t have much time for me to go over this. Starting at 0200 this morning and continuing on was the first part of the campaign. Leading the attack was the 302d Fighter Squadron, The Red Devils, accompanied by the 77th Fighter Squadron, The Gamblers to take down the outside air patrols. At 0300 this morning the 6th Bombardment Squadron, Very Heavy, North Field, started a two hour bombing campaign to take out strategic locations around London. Yes, we did confirm the use of portals by the Smurfs, however, it seems these portals are tied to specific locations and if the integrity is not maintained, the portals shut down…seemingly for good. Now it’s your turn, soldiers. You’re all going in with heavy ground support to mop up any left over resistance. Report to your commanding officers for deployment order and what armor division you will be escorted by. MOVE YOUR ASSES OUT NOW!!!”

Everyone leapt from their seat and began to file out. We already had our gear ready for us, so it was a simple matter of picking it all up, getting hemmed up and in line. We were greeted by Captain Santos ordering everyone as close to him as possible instead of us getting to formation.

“Listen up, you sacks! We’re moving in first. That’s what being in a bad company means! I have been informed once this is all over, anyone surviving this bullshit is getting a full pardon and an honorable discharge…if they want to leave. Just remember that if you’re thinking about dying! Die and you’re still a criminal, got that?!” he shouted out. Everyone shouted a loud, “Yes, sir!” and he continued, “Alright, we’re moving out with the 40th Armor Division. They’ll watch our asses, so you make sure they don’t get blown to shit, got that?! NOW MOVE!!!”

We all ran to the APC closest to us and crammed in.

“God damn…we’re really putting our trust in a bunch of weekend warriors form California?!” I heard a familiar voice ask.

“When was the last time any of us had time off? Do you really think people are only here on the fucking weekends now? Shut the fuck up!” I heard Sargent Winther shout out from somewhere in the APC.

“Point taken!” the voice familiar voice said again. This time, I had peeked around Garney and saw who was talking. God damn…it was Sergeant Bennett. He was smiling like a maniac and holding his M24. We had a sniper on our team and it was one of the best I had ever known. I felt better.

The entire ride into London was silent. At least inside the APC. Outside, explosions and gun fire rank out like it was a birthday party gone crazy. Once the doors opened, the silence was shattered with screams and the thunder of foot steps as we piled out and made our way to cover. Captain Santos gave the orders on where each squad was to move into and we moved without question. We were going to clear standing buildings looking for surviving peyo…I mean Smurfs and either take them out or capture them. It was our discretion. We knew no one in my squad was doing to take anything alive. I wasn’t about to make them and I had no desire to.

For hours we cleared the way and killed any Smurf we came across. All around us the sound of gun fire became more and more sparse and the skies were cleared of any opposition. Silence was once again beginning to become normal until an explosion rocked on of our HMVEE ahead of us, killing everyone inside. Was it a mortar? No…we didn’t hear it fall…and the blast had been directed toward the car…this was an IED. God damn Smurfs were starting to play dirty again.

“Fuck, man! What the fuck!” Murai shouted, as we hunkered behind some rubble, regrouping.

“Anyone see who did it? Anything?!” I shouted at my squad. No one had seen anything except the explosion. Fluttering down like a peaceful snowflake in front of me was something yellow on one side and white on another. I reached out and grabbed it. “Wrapping paper?” I asked out loud in thought. Suddenly the memory of the beginning of the war spring board to the front of my mind.

“It’s what?” Garney asked, reaching for the paper, “It is wrapping paper…”

“This is the same thing I saw back when we were hit in Italy…must be the same mother fucker!” I seethed in anger, gripping my weapon.

“There! Off to the side! Two blocks up!” one of my squad mates shouted. I looked over the rubble pile and saw a Smurf running down the road carrying a yellow box with a red bow. He placed it down at the side of the road and began running toward us again…reaching behind him and producing another box of the same nature. He must have been using some kind of portal to bring the boxes to him, because there’s no way he was carrying these things in a pocket.

“That’s the son of a bitch putting down IEDs!” I said and grabbed the radio, “Hey, Sargent Bennett! About two blocks up! Smurf running with an IED! Yellow box and red bow! WE gotta stop him!” I didn’t receive a response on radio, instead, I heard the report of a rifle followed by a large explosion from where the Smurf was. Pieces of blue flesh rained down on us for a few seconds.

“I got that joker. Thought he was fucking funny, did he?” I heard Sargent Bennett report over the radio. After that…everything went quiet and we regrouped.

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Hammer of Thor: Lightening Doesn’t Need to Strike Twice

We thought we had won. We thought we were victorious. We were so sure of ourselves that we let down our guard and didn’t see we were exactly where the enemy wanted us. The true enemy. The one who was pulling all the strings. Pride is a bitch.

Everyone had just sat down to have some nice HOT A’s and to relax when there was a commotion from the helicopter landing pads. Jumping up, I rushed past everyone to see what was going on. The heftiest Smurf I had ever seen beating soldiers with his bare hands. Others had opened fire on him, but it seemed to be doing little. That’s when I saw it, but no one else had. Some Smurf with more brains than brawn jumped into one of the Blackhawks and was taking off. There was no way I was going to get to the helicopter before it took off, but I knew being down even one chopper at this point would be extremely handicapping and something so mobile in the hands of the Smurfs would be disastrous. What could I do, though? The Blackhawk was already taking off and leaving the area. I happened to look past the fighting soldiers and saw an RPG…it must have been brought in by one of the Smurfs! Faster than I had ever run in my life, I ran to that RPG and grabbed it, checking to make sure everything was ready. I dropped to one knee, aligned the chopper and fired.

The rocket roared forth in anger, spewing fire and smoke as if it were a dragon hellbent on revenge. As though guided by the hand of God, the I watched as the rocket made contact with the side of the Blackhawk and it exploded. Wrenching sideways and bellowing hell fire, the chopper spin like an out of control top as it plummeted to earth in the same fashion Icarus surely did as he flew too close to the sun. Luckily, it crashed in an area devoid of anyone else. About the same time, the berserk smurf was finally killed…but so were six of our own.

“Stop where you are!” I heard a voice from one of the towers call out over the fence. Looking over, I saw a figure in the distance, distorted by heat haze and smoke. I numbly dropped the RPG and made my way to the gate, grabbing a dropped rifle on the way. Whoever, or whatever, this was too big to be a Smurf. Funny how I thought that, given we didn’t know the Smurfs could be as tall as we witnessed. However, whoever, or whatever, this was didn’t have a hat on like the others. It seemed to walk slightly hunched over, and it was carrying something…a book?

The warning sirens went off once again and everyone prepared for the worst. I stayed at the guard shack, weapon at the ready. I heard them ordering the figure to halt repeatedly, but it continued toward us until I could finally see it clearly. A man. Just a man. He stood just under six feet tall, had a slouched back, and wore what I could only describe as an old fashioned black monk’s robe. Around his waist, holding everything closed, was a rope and he had red shoes on, not unsimilar to what the Smurfs wore. His face was slightly twisted, almost like a demon with a piked nose, and what hair he had on his balding head was greasy.

He stood in the middle of the road, one hand behind him and the other out in front of him, holding a book. If you have believed anything in this tale, then believe me when I saw the book seemed to move…the book was alive and looked to be in disgust, almost agony, of being in his possession. He grinned wickedly. I could hear his words as his voice echoed out only fifty yards from my position.

“I am so glad you were all able to join me at the appointed time!” he laughed out, waiving the book in front of him, “It is so nice when guests arrive at the proper time and numbers!”

“State your business!” I heard Colonel Finch over the speaker? She was alive? Of course she was…she was too tough to die. I should have known that… “Do not approach any closer!”

“What do you know of my business!? What could you possibly comprehend?! NOTHING!  YOU ARE ALL NOTHING! You have done everything I have wanted and more! The only thing I have left is to close up some loose ends!” the person shouted and suddenly flipped the book to look at him, “Great Book of Spells! I, Gargamel, your master and owner demand of you this day, being the last phase of the full moon, to grant me the spell I seek!”

“What is it you seek, foolish one!” the book stated back.

“I demand a spell to make me the biggest, and greatest wizard of them all! I wish to stand above all others and squish my enemies!” Gargamel shouted with a laugh to the book.

“Another selfish and pointless request! Stomp three times, turn twice, and then your enemies shall seem small as mice!” the book instructed back. Gargamel did just that…and in a flash of white energy surrounding him he began to grow. He did not stop growing until he towered above all the buildings like a video game end boss. His voice boomed out in a deafening tone as he laughed and began to smash everything around him. “Everyone, including the Smurfs, thought they were better than me! Outcast me! TURNED ME AWAY LIKE A FREAK! Now I will make you all pay!” he shouted out in a voice so loud it hurt my ears.

“NOW!” I heard Colonel Finh’s voice once again over the speaker. I can hardly explain what happened next. I saw lightening fly across the darkened, but cloudless sky, straight for Gargamel. At first, he was laughing, but his face twisted to an even more disgusted look and he began screaming in pain. He attempted to block the lightening hitting him constantly in the chest, but his fingers were burned through and fell from his body. That lightening began to eat through his body until he had an large hole in his chest. No blood. The wound had been cauterized by the heat. He toppled backwards and began to shrink back to normal size as he did so, until he landed like a sack of potatoes on the ground. The entire base began to cheer.

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Conflict’s End

It was weeks before I learned it was none other than Captain Santos who fired that shot. The weapon was the fourth stage in the strike and had been nicknamed Thor’s Hammer. Someone had learned there was a force driving the Smurfs to start the war, but wasn’t exactly sure who it was, however, they knew they were hiding in London. We were there to drive them out of hiding, and hopefully, put a stop to all of it. The fighting had immediately stopped after Gargamel was killed, and the Smurfs went back into hiding, but not before someone designated Papa Smurf presented conditions of peace and agreed to never cause problems again. The USA, at least, agreed to leave the Smurfs alone and ordered both a no visit and no fly zone where the Smurfs were actually located. No civilian was ever told the specific spot they lived.

Those of us who have fought and lived through this are the ones most affected. Closing my eyes at night brings sweats and I can’t have any thing blue around me. The Blue Man Group was officially exonerated of all charges of being spies for the Smurfs when the truth had come out, but they had to be disbanded because no one trusted them anymore.

This was the worst war since the one fought by a soldier, who’s letters my father found in the wall of his own home. Makes me think my cousin was right about this Chuck E. Cheese place…wonder how he’s doing…

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_{I had promised to post this so many times…it came to me when I was drugged up to have a double wisdom tooth extraction. I also saw a giant purple turkey, but that isn’t as exciting as this. I’ve turned this into a short story, and when I tell it verbally, it’s a bit different of course.}

Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts in 2018

It’s Christmas time once again! Snow is falling. Children are trying their best to be good. Parents are doing their best to beat people to the “must have toy” of the year. And once again W.A.T.C.H. has put out their Christmas list for the most dangerous toys of 2018…but they missed the most obvious ones. Why? Because they’re more concerned with what is going to make the most money and being a hater than actually caring about the children. Why won’t anyone else besides me think of the children!?

If you find any of these under your tree, instantly call child services on Santa.

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1. Omega Spay and Neuter Kit: For Science!
This toy comes with multiple clamps, scissors and scalpels. Included are full color detailed instructions on how to spay and neuter multiple kinds of animals. Everything anyone could ever want in order to start performing surgery is included thanks to the “bonus tools” supplied. This is made by the company, Omega, who is responsible for the Planned Parenthood toy line, which includes the “Home Abortion Kit” and “Margaret Sanger with baby karate chopping action”.

I mean, seriously? W.A.T.C.H. puts out a buyer beware over a plastic knife and magnetic fruit, but doesn’t even care about this? Sure the toy line might not be all that popular, given that Planned Parenthood is about killing babies before they can be old enough to play with the toys, but the fact this comes with real metal tools is just a little more than concerning. I can’t even imagine what’s going to happen when the little ones run out of neighborhood pets to have “fun” on. Once they realize the tools work on any and all creatures, there’s sure to be a rash of surprise vasectomy and tubal ligation come New Year’s Day! Nice over look there, W.A.T.C.H!

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2. Ariel’s Expression Exercise Pole
“When Ariel lost her voice, she had to find a way to get the Prince to kiss her…and she found a way to do so while earning her keep!” reads the back of the package. This is a regulation sized “exercise pole” and comes with techno remixes of Under The Sea, Kiss the Girl, and Poor Unfortunate Souls, along with eight stacks of hundred dollar bills in order to “make it rain up in here”.

I’m all for women expressing themselves be it in the kitchen or in the bedroom, but this is not an exercise pole. Let’s call it what it is, a dangerous metal rod capable of blunt force trauma and serious fall injuries! There is ZERO safety equipment to keep the little ones from falling as their sliding up and down or spinning around this pole. Adults have the developed muscles in order to make this safer, and sexier, but children do not. This whole thing is a law suit waiting to happen. Let’s hear it for another Disney fuck up.

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3. Plasma Blaster 2700
According to the box: You’ll be the talk of the town with your authentic plasma blaster! This bad boy produces enough power to drop any future threat thanks to producing a balmy 57,762,237.76 degrees Kelvin plasma charge. The founding fathers didn’t fight to give you the right to own just muskets and for hunting! Rated ages 5 and up. Brought to you by your friends at the The Oneiroi Collective.

I’m all for having cool weapons, but are five year olds really responsible enough to handle something which produces energy around five tons of TNT? While I’m impressed they were able to get the energy to produce this weapon in such a small device, I just don’t feel that melting your target is great for the environment. Not to mention the replacement cartridges are extremely expensive, and are quite heavy. This should be a pass. Instead, think about getting a laser pointer for the kid and tell them to make “Pew Pew!” noises.

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4. Bunny Snapper
We’re supposed to believe this is actually a game for the entire family to enjoy while teaching you to be cautions. What I believe is this toy teaches is distrust of rabbits. Nothing good can come of this and the rabbit is not robust enough for very many plays. The value versus dollar amount here is just not high enough to recommend it.

Probably the worst part of this game is how rusty the trap is. While sharp, the jaws on the trap are also incredibly rusty. I can’t help but feel the manufacturer simply went into the woods and collected a bunch of abandoned traps or even went to an antique store to save money instead of making their own. Tetanus is a real threat and this game is going to lose what fun there is the moment anyone catches it.

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5. Cat-apult Ultra 7
Let’s start off with the obvious, shall we? This isn’t a catapult…this is an RPG launcher. That alone is a red flag. I mean, if the manufacturer can’t even tell the difference between a catapult and what is essentially an RPG-7, but for cats, then how do they know safety? Spoiler alert: They don’t and can’t.

Almost everything about this stupid toy is wrong! Not only did they name it wrong, but the images shows the cat getting launched from what should be the back of the launcher! I know some concessions had to be made in order to cram a full grown cat into the thing, but this is an oversight that cannot be ignored. The trigger system is clumsy to use, resulting in firing the furry critters when and where you don’t intend to do so.

We test every toy we review, and let me tell you, I lost count how many cats I slammed into the outside testing fence instead of launching them over it because of the awkward design of this product. Also, anything smaller than a full grown cat isn’t very effecting and can result in injuries and damage to those around you, as well as the toy. Large squirrels work if they are smashed down far enough, as well as larger puppies, such as Labradors, but anything smaller, such as kittens, chihuahuas or even young pugs just don’t work right.

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Well, there you have the actual most dangerous and dumb Christmas presents of 2018. I don’t understand how every other watch group out there keeps missing these or just flat out ignoring them. I actually care about people and toys which cause harm, so I will continue to bring these to you as needed. Merry Christmas!!!

Want to group up for the Last Wish Raid? Here’s the rules for LFG!

If you want to join the raid, these are the requirements:

1. Raid 25+ clears (THIS RAID ONLY!!!!!! and I check)
2. 610 Light – if you don’t know how to do this, then you don’t need to raid
3. Crucible K/D of 2.87 (not KA/D!!!!!! and I check)
4. 45+ flawless Trials (I check)
5. Microphone with a feedback problem
6. Scream at your girlfriend/wife who is upset about the baby is crying while the dogs are barking and a secondary TV is playing in the background so loud you can’t understand what’s playing, but sounds like it’s in our own living room
7. Leave the group while screaming profanities after causing the first wipe
8. “BRB. Food” after first encounter while you make your character run in circles to prevent an AFK kick and take 60+ minutes to come back since you left to go get something two towns over
9. Explain an encounter strategy in almost unintelligible English while basically swallowing your mic to ensure it’s over modulated and then refuse to explain it again while insulting everyone else in perfect English then leave
10. Take a bong rip every 2 minutes during encounters and then cough so loud no can one hear the call outs
11. Talk to people on your stream with an open mic to the raid encounter confusing all of us as to what is going on and then make fun of us with your subscribers as we get upset at you
12. Between encounters, take your wireless headset with you into the bathroom and give birth to a massive chocolate mud baby…please, please, please be sure to make lots of noise and do not wash your hands – if we hear running water besides the flush you will be kicked
13. HAVE FUN!!!!!

By the way, I am fireteam leader and have never done a raid before on any game. I’ll need you to Sherpa me. I do NOT have a microphone. We will run it five to six times for gear. Thanks! NO NOOBS!

_{Originally posted by me on /r/destiny2}

It’s Just a Social Experiment!

tl;dr These normally go at the end of the story, but I’ll make it easier for you this time. This is only a social experiment. Would you give up the most important thing to you and give it to someone else to help them forever even if you don’t know what that thing you’re giving up is? Just answer yes now with your name or no down below!

 

It was the weekend before Fourth of July 2017 and I was headed down to Ruby’s At the End of The Pier in Huntington Beach, CA with my girlfriend and several other friends to eat and do some fishing. Thank god my best friend, Rodney, lived within walking distance, because the place was unbelievably packed. The smell of sun tan lotion, sun screen, beach foam, and salt water filled the my senses and relieved much needed stress just with the fact it was present. I needed this mini-vaycay. We were going into third-quarter at work and down on goal, so everyone was feeling the crunch. Shit rolls down hill and the bullshit was thick right now. None of that mattered today, of course, as the sun kissed my face and stroked my hair, letting me know everything would be fine. Not even the wind seemed to blow this day, knowing not to ruin such a perfect time.

As typical in this area of California, but not quite as crazy as Santa Monica, all kinds of vendors and street performers were out and about trying to make a quick buck. Everything from caricature artists to palm readers lined up with tables are just shouting out they were doing it. Huntington Beach Police are notoriously over aggressive so I don’t know why anyone would really want to risk the unrelenting beatings, but they can’t be everywhere at once and if you need money, then you need money I guess.

Cinthia (yes spelled correctly as she is 100% pure wasp descendant), my girlfriend, was chatting up with her friends Toreene and April about all the shopping they were going to do while “the boys” enjoyed their fishing after we ate. I was half tuning everyone out, including Rodney and James, as I was taking in the sights and enjoying myself, while simultaneously trying to keep my fishing equipment from spilling out all over the street or smacking people because of the density of the crowd. We were approaching the pier when I was suddenly pulled out of my self induced trance.

“…and you? What about you? Would you help?!” a happy go-lucky, almost sing song voice called out to me. How I knew it was for me I can’t say. There must have been a hundred people around me at the time, but I knew…I just knew this voice was directly at me specifically.

“Uh…I’m sorry, but help with what?” I asked, moving away from the group. At the time I didn’t think it odd there was a direct path to where the voice came from. Not one other person was walking in a manner which wold require me to alter my trek to this new destination. It just seemed right and normal. I saw before me a man, perhaps late twenties, not much older than myself, smiling at a table holding a clipboard and pen out to me. His auburn shaggy hair shone brightly in the sun and his skin was lightly sun kissed, unlike most gingers you’d see. He was smiling, but…I don’t know, something didn’t seem happy for him. Like something was missing.

“Oh, it’s just a social experiment! Would you be willing, right now, no questions asked, be wiling to give up the most important thing to you, even if you didn’t really know what that thing was, to help someone else out forever?” he asked again, in that same sing-song voice with a saccharin personality.

“I don’t understand what you’re asking, dude. Help someone forever? Most important thing to me?” I asked in a fog of confusion.

“Joel!” I heard my girlfriend call out, causing me to turn my head. Everyone was coming back over to me through the rest of the crowd, looking a little irritated.

“Hey, man, you know how Ruby’s gets. We’ll be waiting hours just for a fucking burger if we don’t hurry up. What are you doing?” Rodney questioned me.

“Sorry, this guy caught my attention. Wanted to know if I’d give up the most important thing in the world to me if it would helps someone out forever,” I explained to everyone.

“It’s just a social experiment,” the guy said once again looking at everyone, “So, is anyone willing to do it? You would be giving up the most important thing to you, even if you didn’t know what that was, but it would help else forever!” Everyone just kind of looked at each other in confusion and bewilderment at such a question.

“I don’t get it,” April stated, shaking her head.

“Oh god…is this going to be put on YouTube? I’m out,” James stated and waved to us as walked to the pier, “I’ll get us a spot to fish!”

“Yeah…if you don’t know what it is, then why would it matter, then?” Toreene asked in a way that she didn’t really care what the answer is.

“I…guess I would…I mean…that does make sense when she puts it that way…” I said half-halfheartedly.

“Oh, so you’re willing to give me up?!” Cinthia asked in a fake angry voice, teasing me.

“I assure you, it wouldn’t be you. No offense, but you may be the most important thing to him now, but not the most important thing to him completely,” the man chuckled. That chuckle…did not seem odd, forced or scary. Just an every day laugh at a small joke which wouldn’t be out of place for anyone.

“Screw it, sure. I could use some good karma!” I said, putting my things down and grabbing the pen and clipboard. There was a line for my printed name and signature. Not much to say about the paper or what was written on it. Pretty much exactly what the guy had said was what I read. With a shrug, I filled it out. Handing everything back to the man, I did feel a quick chill and couldn’t breath for a second, like something sucked my breath for a split moment in time, but nothing else. I don’t think I even noticed it at the time.

“Uh…uh…okay! Thank you!” the man said as he put the clipboard away and began to fold up the table and left in a hurry as I collected my belongings.

“Huh…I was the only signature on that paper…” I remarked off hand as we made our way down the pier to Ruby’s.

“He only needed one signature? For a social experiment?” Toreene asked, scrunching up her face in annoyance at such foolery.

“Maybe he’s sampling how many signatures versus time in different areas?” Rodney asked, not really caring by the way he asked it.

“Who cares? As long as he didn’t give me up!” Cinthia stated, punching my arm playfully. I made a mock painful face at her and gave her a quick kiss.

 

The rest of the trip was uneventful for anything else concerned. We had gotten our food, caught some fish while the girls shopped and went out to dinner at a chain further in town to avoid the crowds. I dropped Cinthia back off at her place and prepared to sleep deep and long well into Sunday morning. I’ve learned recently Ruby’s burned down…I hope this had nothing to do with this day…

I’ve never been one for nightmares or night terrors, but I had the worst dreams all night long. There is one which sticks with me the most because of how vivid it was… I was floating in…nothingness. That’s the only way I can describe it. Darkness would be something. Smoke would be something. A hole would be something. This was NOTHING. If you’ve never experienced it before, then you are lucky because it is one of the most horrifying things you can ever know. That’s not the worst part about it, though. In this nothing was something. I don’t know what it was, but it was fear and terror beyond what this nothing was creating. Agony and pure pain accompanied it. Screams came from inside my own skull until I realized, in my nightmare, *I* was the the one screaming from it all. I couldn’t wake up. I couldn’t stop it…and then I was awake.

I don’t remember waking. I don’t remember slowly opening my eyes. I didn’t shoot up in bed in a cold sweat. I wasn’t breathing heavy and jumping out of the sheets. None of it. I was just…awake, in my bathrobe, holding my coffee cup and staring into the black depths of my own reflection. How long had I been awake? I still don’t know. I chalked it all up to the stress and then being in the sun for so long the day before and got dressed.

I called up Cinthia to see what time she wanted me to pick her up for another day out, but she said April found out her boyfriend blew her off the day before not to spend time with his family, but to hook up with another girl, so she and Toreene were going to spend the day comforting her. I’m not made of stone, and I know how women can be, so I told her I understood and tired to call Rodney. No answer. Multiple times. Oh well, his loss I guess. James always worked Sundays, so he wasn’t going to be available to do anything.

This is when I noticed things on my life beginning to change. I suddenly had no interest in going to church. The people in my life, including Cinthia, began avoiding me. Even people outside of my life began avoiding me. When I would go to a restaurant, I’d be ignored until I made a big scene and even then the waiter or waitress would act like they didn’t see me. Doctor visits would result in me being ignored as well until I made a point to say I was there and needed to be seen. I couldn’t explain it. My clients wouldn’t call me back. My boss was off my back, but I also wasn’t making my commission. While everything wasn’t falling apart, I wasn’t happy and things weren’t great. They…just were. Like me in a state of simply existing.

The nightmares continued. That’s why I sought medical help at first. I was worried I had some kind of trouble with my brain…maybe even cancer…but that turned out to be false, thankfully. Psychiatric help didn’t help, either. I always though these shrinks wanted to find a way to help you. They don’t. At least not me. They simply acted like I was just…there. Again, this is how I felt. They offered little to no advice like removing caffeine from my diet and other silly things. No drugs to help. No life advice to give. Waste of money.

 

This has continued for almost a year now. A few weeks ago I was in the Westminster Mall when I noticed a familiar face. It was that man from Huntington Beach! He was in a nice looking outfit, talking on his cellphone with a brief case by his side as he sat on a bench. He was smiling and laughing every so often as he talked. I cautiously made my way over to him as he ended his conversation. He seemed to confused at first as I approached him, and then nervous once he must have realized why he recognized me. I put my hands up in a none threatening way to let him know I meant him no harm, which seemed to calm him.

“Hey, what’s going on?” I asked, standing a few feet from him.

“Oh, yeah, you…you’re the one who helped me with that…social…experiment…right?” he asked, a hand on his brief case now.

“Yeah…so…how’d it go..?” I inquired very curious and ready to dive deeper into what exactly the point of that day was for him. His smile, this time, and his eyes, seemed genuinely happy, unlike before. Something about him seemed so much more real and present and the last time I saw him.

“Oh, it went great. I really appreciate it. If you, uh…don’t mind…I…uh…I have to get going,” he said abruptly as he nearly jumped to his feet and began walking away.

“Hey, hold on…just what was the social experiment about anyway? I know what you asked, but I don’t get it. What was the point?” I asked rapidly, needing to know.

“It’s…you wouldn’t understand or believe me. It’s cool. Like I said, it was just a social experiment. Why would you believe you gave up a soul, anyway?” the man asked me slowly, looking me directly in my eyes.

A soul? What was he talking about?

“A…soul? Give me a break. What? Are you saying you’re the devil?” I laughed the best I could at such a moronic statement.

“No. I’m not the devil. Neither was the one I gave up my soul to,” the man said matter of fact, taking a few steps towards me. That’s when it finally hit me. That’s what was missing in my reflection. That’s what was now present in this man’s eyes unlike before: Spark of life. I wasn’t dead. I wasn’t a zombie…but the nightmares…the horrible nightmares and the fact i always felt like I was simply just present now made sense. I didn’t go to church because there was no point…what soul did I have to save if I didn’t have one?

“Then…but…I don’t…” I sputtered, until I was finally able to form a sentence, “My soul…if you’re not the devil, then who…what?”

“Oh, I’m human,” the man smirked and chuckled, “So was the person I gave my soul up to as well. I’m not the first and you won’t be the last. This has been a long time coming, ever since the first person sold their own soul to the devil almost six thousand years ago. It was the only way out of the contract. The one without the soul is the one who goes to Satan for all eternity. Right now, that’s you. Good luck. Find another sucker’s soul if you want to avoid your fate. Ta-ta for now!” With that, he turned and walked away. I was left too stunned to speak. Too stunned to do anything really.

tl;dr So, this is just a social experiment: Would you give up the most important thing to you, even if you didn’t know what that was, in order to help someone else out forever? Just say yes with your name or no down below.

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Originally posted by me on Reddit /nosleep date of 03/31/2108

Ten Alternative Super Bowl Party Ideas

Are you all ready for some football?!?!?!?!!?!?!??! Yeah, me neither, but it’s Super Bowl LII, which is apparently NOT pronounced Super Bowl “Lee”, “El Eye Eye” nor “Lye”, which means I’ll watch it. Kind of. A little bit. Just the commercials for sure…on YouTube a few days to weeks later.

If you’re like me and only care about the Super Bowl as far as the commercials and free food from people are concerned, but don’t want anyone to think you’re anti-social, or want to a be hip to the new hipster scene, then you’ve come to a great place! While this isn’t a “How To Guide” since I’m not going to being telling you how to do these, you’ll still get some great alternative party ideas. Think of these as jumping off points. Much like how most people need to jump off a very high bridge into a dry river bed.

Oh, and let’s not forget that any advertisers, unless they’ve paid out the ass and are official sponsors, can’t call the Super Bowl the Super Bowl without permission. Yes, I’m serious. They’ve also sued churches for holding parties in which people can watch the Super Bowl. Again, yes, I’m serious.

Anyway, on with the list of ideas!

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1. Commercials Only

Let’s start off with the most obvious type of alternate party, the Commercials Only. With this party, you only un-mute the television during the commercials and then mute them again during the game. You do everything in your power to keep people from actually watching the Super Bowl. Get out Uno, Twister (nude if necessary), Cards Against Humanity…it doesn’t matter, really. When halftime comes around, turn off the halftime performance and watch something like The Puppy Bowl instead. Make sure to hoot and holler at great commercials!

2. Pants Off-Dance Off for All Touchdowns

Kind of self explanatory. Any time “your” team scores a touchdown, then you take off your pants and dance in celebration. If you don’t care about what team is the favorite, or don’t have a team you care about yourself, just do it for any and all touchdowns. Bonus points for doing your dance on a table and lightening round double daily bonus for doing it on the table where people are eating when they are eating.

3. Shot Down!

To do this, you must take a shot of any alcohol for every first down. The harder the alcohol the more screwed up you’ll get quickly, so you might want to pace yourself. It’s something like the Highlander Drinking Game, but you’ll get a lot more wasted. Unless, of course, each team really sucks and there’s hardly any progress made on the field. I don’t know who’s playing and I don’t care enough to find out, so…this might happen this year. I don’t know.

This is an alcoholic’s favorite!

4. Pee Wee Super Bowl

Don’t watch the actual Super Bowl, and instead watch little league football, which I just found out is called Pee Wee. While I would never suggest inviting Paul Reuben over under normal circumstances, I’d say this is the best time to do so. Still don’t invite Jared, the Subway guy, though. Seriously. Don’t. I won’t be held responsible if you do.

 

5. The “Super” Bowl

“What the fuck is this?!” you’re thinking. I know, because I’m psychic, remember? Or, rather, I know you’re more than likely reading this silently in your brain, which makes you think it. Mind blown. I know. Why, yes I am amazing. Again, I know.

This super bowl is an actual super bowl. You and all your “friends” (see: cult followers) will gather around a bowl which will be adorned with an attractive color scheme, a cape, and underwear on the outside. Fill it with tasty snacks of your choosing and drop to your knees in prayer, thanks, fear, gratitude, and worship for every bite you take of said snacks.

Don’t forget the psalm of worship to bring forth luck and keep away its porcelain wrath. According to Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World:

Giver of snacks
Container which never lacks
Keep us full and in high spirits
We shall never falter in our praise
Not once in all of our days!

COME FORTH, GOOD LUCK!
FUCK OFF, ANNOYING CUCKS!

When the super bowl is empty, you can either toss it back and forth between each other or wash it out for use in the next year.

 

6. Reenactment Party

Oh boy, is this one fun! You also get to trash not only the place, but your fellow party goers, too. For every play made, you reenact it in the area you’re watching the game in. If you’re in the basement, then you do it there. If you’re in the living room, then you do it there. If you’re some kind of amazing stuntman and watching it from trapeze wires, then more power to you…but you have to do it there with everyone else.

You may be sued by the NFL, but you’ll win in court if you can afford the legal fees to fight it. After all, it’s a live interpretation and alteration of what’s actually going on. Basically, it’s fair use. The injuries, however, are not open to be paid for by the NFL, even when you do win your case.

 

7. Get High – Get Fucked Party

Get high and get fucked. You don’t even have to watch the party. You will, however, need enough snacks and beverages packed with electrolytes to keep people going. Trust me, you don’t want to run out of food and hydration in the middle of an orgy. Things get awkward fast. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do.

 

8. Murder Mystery

Everyone loves a mystery and this is going to be talked about for years to come! You invite everyone over for what seems to be a normal Super Bowl party, but with one twist…every time the ball changes teams, someone dies! Make sure you aren’t the killer, though, because that’s too obvious. Get one of your guests whom you know will be down for this and have them take someone out and hide the bodies. Hell, even don’t hide the bodies, I don’t care. It’s your call.

As the game goes on, everyone will be scrambling to figure out “Who Done It?!” By the final minutes of the game, gather everyone into another room and have everyone who’s left write down who they think the killer is and why. If the majority of the people guess right, then that they get a prize! A prize besides getting to live, that is.

Oh, and to do this game right, you may just want to confiscate everyone’s cell phones and make sure you don’t have a land line. Also, nail down all your windows and make it so no one can escape. You don’t want some party pooper ruining the game by getting the police involved. Clean up may be a bitch, however, so make sure you rent a carpet cleaner with steam.

 

9. Swords, Knives and Guns Party

What does this have to do with the Super Bowl? The pregame! This is the only pregame idea in all of this, mind you. Let’s face it, you and everyone else is getting wasted before the game even begins, so you’ll need something to do to entertain yourselves before the game. The pregame always sucks, but this will make it better.

Start off just by showing off your swords, knives, and guns. Then you’ll progress to swinging them around and chambering rounds. Semi-final will be showing off what you can do, or if it works how awesome it would be. Finally, you end up with someone holding a rather large sausage or hotdog in their mouth and you take it out with either a sword, a knife, or your gun. Keep in mind for the gun you’ll have to shoot it, so it’s technically the bullet doing the job.

 

10. Just Masturbate Party

Ignore the game altogether and focus on the cheerleaders, or the commercials, and just spank it for three hours and fifty three minutes. Get snacks and beverages with lots of electrolytes.

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There you have it! What kind of party are you going to throw? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to mix in meth with some RedHot Buffalo Dip. I put that on everything!

The Little Mermaid: Why it sucks in retrospect

Let me start off by saying that I neither love nor hate Disney in anyway. I think Disney is just fine. Hell, I spent four days and three nights at Disney Land at the beginning of 2018 and loved every single moment of it. What I have a problem with is how Disney rips off the public domain, devours it, shits out a low effort version of a superior item, and then gives nothing in return to the public.

Oh, and yes, I drew, using a mouse in Flash 8 Pro, all images in this entry. Click on them to see them in their original size and transparent glory. You’re welcome.

Disney’s version of The Little Mermaid is no different. The original story is a cautionary tale of envy and greed coupled with the consequences of being so impulsive. Hell, there’s even a little tease to children who read the story at the end of the original story saying if they’re bad, then that little mermaid will get another year added on to her 300 year sentence, unable to get a soul and go to heaven. Oh, you didn’t know that? Well, go read the real story and ignore Disney’s craptastic version.

Originally, I kind of really liked this version of Little Mermaid. It has the three best songs ever to come out of Disney. The animation is colorful and fun. It has Sebastian and Ursula. Then I realized the only good thing about this movie is the fact is had the three best songs to ever come out of Disney and it has Sebastian and Ursula. Oh, and the movie poster has a penis in it. That’s…that’s awesome.

Starting off in the film we meet Ariel and her useless sidekick named Flounder…because he’s a fucking flounder… Great use of your imagination there, Disney…I bet that took at least five, or maybe six, Imagineers to dream that one up. We’re treated to a shark attack by the shark actor who eventually went on to win his Academy Award and Oscar winning role as Brucie in Finding Nemo. Unfortunately, Ariel nor Flounder gets eaten and saves us from the rest of the movie.

Huh? I skipped over the part of Ariel’s sisters being introduced? Well, guess what? After that opening scene, until the finale, so does Disney. Yup, they complete skip over the entire part of the little mermaid having other sisters who get her interested in the human world to begin with. What about her grandmother? Well, Disney tosses her out completely, so there is no grandmother. Who needs an extremely important character when you have Flounder, right?

We eventually meet Sebastian, the second best character of the movie. Originally supposed to be an English butler style character and was later changed to Jamaican. Best…decision…ever…this helps us get the most fun song ever to come out of Disney (which is one of the three best Disney songs ever). This delicious looking character is awesome and what he is put through is bullshit. Sebastian gets put in charge by King Triton, Ariel’s father, to keep an eye on Ariel and report back if she’s going too crazy over the human world.

This guy is a music composer and a conductor. I can’t imagine a worse task for someone who has so little to do with anyone’s life to get involved with this. It’s like Emperor Joseph I tasking Johann Sebastian Bach to be a private investigator! Why in the world would any think this is a good idea? Sure, he’s small and can get around easily, but there are plenty of other fish out there better suited, I’m sure!

To keep Ariel more interested in the world she lives in, Sebastian performs the most fun Disney song ever! Yes, I’m talking about Under the Sea. By far, this is the most fun song Disney has ever presented to us. Yes, I keep saying it’s the most fun song and I’m going to keep saying it. Under the Sea is so freaking awesome I can’t stand it. Matter of fact…I’m going to listen to it now.

Okay. I’m back. Trust me when I say I listened to it six times: Two times dancing, one time sitting, and three times dancing naked.

Do you think Ariel cares about the awesome song or the warnings of her father? Nope. She’s a spoiled shit of a child and couldn’t care less. King Triton is more interested in sitting around all day with that stupid look on his face until someone brings him bad news and he smites them with the fury of God himself. I’m not kidding…this son of a bitch loses his temper at the drop of his hat. He goes through more mood swings than a juiced up gorilla going through menopause.

When Sebastian brings him bad news, he goes from smiling and laughing, to almost killing the poor, awesome crab! This guy really needs some therapy. Or at least switching to decaff for a time being. For sure needs to lay off the meth…or maybe needs to bump again. I don’t know. I just know he’s kind of an asshole, even though he’s right through the entire movie.

Back with Ariel in her little hidden sea cave, we see her going over all the cool things she has. Now, earlier we see her in this place and get the most beautifully sung Disney song ever. I’m talking about Part of Your World. This is not one of the best Disney songs ever, it’s just the most beautifully sung. What do I mean? Well, the song is spot on with the vocals and is performed perfectly. What keeps it from being one of the best songs ever is the content.

You’re probably wondering what the problem is with a song about longing for something unreachable is. Well, the fact of the matter is the song says specifically what is wrong with it and shows a lot of the selfish, spiteful, greedy, envious wretch that Ariel is. Behold:

♪♪♪
Look at this stuff
Isn’t it neat?
Wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete?
Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl
The girl who has everything?

Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she’s got everything

I’ve got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I’ve got whozits and whatzits galore
You want things of above?
I’ve got twenty!

But who cares?
No big deal
I want more
♪♪♪

Emphasis mine.

This selfish piece of beach wash admits she has so much. She talks about how she’s got everything, and yet, despite all of that, she wants even more. She has it all, but that’s not good enough, oh no, not for Ariel! This is NOT the role model you want for your children, especially your daughters. While the song may be sung beautifully, it’s disgusting with the message.

You know what? Now I’m angry. I’ll be right back.

Okay, I’m back. I had to go light a kitten on fire.

Eventually King Triton shows up and sees Ariel basically dry humping…or would it be wet humping since they’re underwater(???)…the statue of the prince she rescued earlier in the movie. She has obsessed about him non-stop, knowing nothing of him. In the original story, a lot of time passes as the little mermaid learns more and more about him by…well…stalking him and hanging outside his bedroom window. Again, not a great role model for anyone.

After Ariel screams that she loves someone she rescued like…two days ago maximum in this version…King Triton becomes even more enraged and blows up the statue. While King Triton may be a tyrannical ass with the anger lit by a half inch fuse on old dynamite, he has a point. She has no business acting the way she does and most certainly does not LOVE him. She’s in love with an ideal and fantasy. Yeah, he over reacted by blowing up all her things, but honestly it was the only way to get her to move on and knock it the fuck off.

Things don’t go that way, of course, because this is a Disney movie and not only are parents always terrible people whom you don’t listen to, but also because we need to introduce the greatest character in Disney history, never to this day to be surpassed.

Of course I’m talking about Ursula, the sea witch! Based on a drag queen named Divine, who’s real name was Harris Glenn Milstead, Ursula steals the entire show. From her look, to her uncomfortably sexual movements, she’s just the god damn best thing Disney has ever designed. I cannot go on about how awesome Ursula is. Besides those three best songs ever from Disney, she is the reason to watch this movie.

What’s better than the best character ever designed by Disney? How about the best character ever designed by Disney singing the most BAD ASS song by Disney! Poor Unfortunate Souls is so amazing that I suggest using it to pump up for a fight. The pacing, the nudging, the vocals…oh my god, this is by far the best song from Disney hands down and the best out of the three. If Part of Your World shows Ariel’s character traits…this song tells you everything you need to know about Ursula. She hides nothing. She pretends to be nothing more than she is. The entire song is filled as a warning and all the reasons Ariel needs to go away. It’s also bouncy as shit. Just…go listen to it. Twenty or thirty times is necessary.

Again, does Ariel listen? Fuck no. She ignores all the warnings from everyone, including Ursula who kept basically telling her to think about it hard. Ariel even looks away from the contract when signing it. It’s a perfect allegory to her personality. I’m not going into detail since I’ve already done it so much. Just think about that for a moment.

She’s turned into human, gets rushed to the surface by Sebastian, who should have told King Triton right away instead of shucking that duty this once, and Flounder, and is “rescued” by Prince Eric. Up to this point there’s no point in talking about him or his name, so…there…his name is Eric.

Since Ariel has no voice, she’s forced to get the prince to fall in love with her through other means. Now, normally this would take months to years, but this is a Disney film and she only has three days per the contract. Originally there was no time limit aside from the prince marrying someone else…but then again, the original also had her wanting an immortal soul, so I guess they had to change things up a bit.

They go on adventures, play dress up, and just kind of hang out. This all leads us to the third and final best song from Disney ever: Kiss the Girl. Once again, one of the best characters from Disney ever delivers this. Sebastian sees his chance when the couple are out rowing about in a swamp area, which later is the scene of Princess and the Frog. I can’t prove that. It’s not even true. But you thought about it for a second. Admit it.

Kiss the Girl is calypso as all hell and is my second favorite song out of this. The scenery while the song is played matches the pacing and mood perfectly. Sebastian proves what a bad ass composer he is once again. Granted, it brings up the question if humans, or Eric for that matter, can understand what the wildlife are saying. Also, Ursula said it isn’t any kiss, but a kiss of true love, so it’s debatable if this would have worked if Floatsom and Jetsum, Ursula’s “babies”, interfered or not. I also love how pensive Eric is during this entire thing. He’s trying to be a gentleman and Ariel is the one pursuing him like a rabid dog. Them eyes on Ariel, though. Dayum.

Fast forward through unimportant crap and Ursula realizes her plan to take the throne back from her brother, King Triton…oh, what’s that? You didn’t know that was Ariel’s aunt? Yup. I guess family sucks is another lesson. Anyway, she realizes her plan to get back at him and take the throne by way of Ariel might fail, so she decides to use Ariel’s voice to make the prince love her instead, effectively screwing Ariel over.

Plan works until the sea shell containing Ariel’s voice is broken and Ariel is turned into a polyp. Yep, I know what they are because of Google. King Triton decides his daughter is better than his kingdom and signs the contract for Ariel, effectively making him pay the price for his terrible daughter. Why the change of heart from King Triton? I don’t know…Disney.

Eventually Ursula is killed by Eric in one of the most awesome ways possible: A stern through the chest. Uh huh, that’s right, Disney had their prince ram a ship into the heart of their villain, killer her off in what must have been an eternity of agony to Ursula. Pretty cool.

In the end Ariel gets everything she wanted. No one learns a lesson. No one has to pay for anyone’s mistake except for Ursula, who kept her end of the deal constantly. She was honest about who she was. She was honest about the deal. Sure she had another reason to do it, but Ariel knew the conditions of the contract and still signed away her life, literally.

I liked The Little Mermaid better when she died at the end, never gaining her immortal soul nor getting the guy. She had to learn a hard lesson and it’s a lesson people need to keep in mind. There are consequences for such impulsive and selfish behavior. That, my friends, is why this movie sucks overall.