It’s that time of year again. We visit family, drink, give gifts to friends, family, and sometimes even strangers, in hopes of getting gifts back (sexual or otherwise), and pretend to care about our fellow man. It’s also the time of year that W.A.T.C.H. puts out their list of “Dangerous Christmas Toys” for the year. While their list is nothing more than pushing a “No fun for you!” agenda on our children, we actually care. That’s why we do this. We just care so much.
Here’s a list of six of the most dangerous and dumb Christmas gifts in 2020 that W.A.T.C.H. intentionally or ignorantly refuses to list! Each image can be clicked for a full size view in another window.
1. Bite Me Elmo
Nothing has been the same since Disney took over every single property in existence. While Sesame Street itself is not owned directly by Disney, they know how to throw their weight around and demand action, since they own the Muppets themselves.
This new toy, which is being billed as the “Natural Evolution of the Elmonian Race”, has a “karate chop action mouth”, whatever exactly that means, and a rubber tongue which is coated in a fluid you will need to eventually refill. The extremely sharp teeth have a laceration danger and the tongue shoots out at around Mach 3 to achieve a whip crack effect, leading to dangerous eye traumas. We don’t know about you, but this toy should never have come to market and no child should have to experience this unholy terror.
2.Jingoku no Fuun’s Switch Hobo Collection
Nintendo is said to mean “Leave Luck To Heaven”, and they have created some of the most memorable videogame characters of all time. From Animal Crossing to Zelda, it seems they just can’t lose. They’ve even released a line of cardboard accessories for the Nintendo Switch. Leave it to Nintendo to make cardboard fun to play with…and have a premium price tag.
They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but when you are this bad at it, can you really call it imitation? The Jingoku no Fuun’s (seems to have used Google translate to say “Bad Luck in Hell”) accessory is a soggy cardboard box with some knock off brand crayons with the claim of a “Lots ‘o fuckin’ colors!” This third party, unlicensed product does sport a low price point of $3.99 at most locations, but whatever causes the cardboard to be soggy, is also very sticky and bitter.
Animals and their babies are adorable and lovable, but sometimes nature gets it wrong. Learn the horrors of rabies and the proper handling of infected animals! Ages 3+
Seriously…wtf? In this age of COVID-19 because someone ate a bat in China (semi-official claim) resulting in the outbreak of the Kung Flu, do we need to teach children it’s okay to handle disease infected animals? Look, we’re all for caring after sick and injured animals, several staff members have taken in the maimed critters from the Cat-apult Ultra 7 incident in 2018, we just don’t think it’s a good idea to teach children to approach animals foaming at the mouth. Let’s not also forget that this could possibly cause a zombie apocalypse with a mutated virus.
4. “Dr.” Henry’s Grow Your Own Virus/Bacteria Kit!
Speaking of unnecessary and unacceptable gifts, what we have here is a kit which allows you to grow your own virus or bacteria. The fact that the title of doctor is in quotation marks seems to imply it’s just a made up title, like the Colonel in Colonel Sanders…
There is a small bit of warning on the package along with basic key information, which does warn people to not freeze the agar pads before placing them inside of your anus, but can you really trust it when the writing is that small?
We do applaud the company for adding in pre-made press release statements, but it seems to insinuate it is Chinese talking points to guide the American media. Everything from Swine Flu to SARS has come out of China (guess that’s what happens when you put a bio-engineering lab next to wet markets), so to have a kit with a pre-made Chinese press release to “guide pro-American attitudes” is just insulting, even if line with what is actually happening.
I’m all for kids learning science, but do we really need another Taylor Wilson but with world ending power? There’s a reason videogames such as Plague Inc exist: It’s a safe and secure way to learn about these things without murdering…well…everyone.
5. Saturday Night Mommy
This doll is being billed as the “Most honest depiction of single mothers ever created.” While we cannot back this claim up, we can talk about how terrible a toy this is for children.
Saturday Night Mommy has color changing skin which reacts to hot, cold and pressure. With enough pressure applied (a finger flick is enough) the doll will go through all stages of blunt force trauma over the course of three minutes until it finally returns to normal. One of the accessories is a California compliant paper straw, but clothing is not sold with the toy. Also included is one and half ounces (!!!!) of cocaine, more than enough to really get this mommy through the weekend. For the price, getting that much cocaine is a deal, but we’d never endorse that, of course.
This does appear to be the progression of Friday Night: Coke Head Charlene, since it’s made by the same company with the same theme, only with a middle-aged, sagging, single-mother, not-even-my-step-father-wants-to-touch-me vibe. We support single moms. Most of us spend at least two hours at the local strip club, but giving a child enough cocaine to outpace a cheetah while legitimizing mommy’s bad habits, we cannot abide.
6. My First Russian Roulette
Wh…wha…I mean…where to begin? Seriously?! We know depression, risky behavior, and suicides are up, but is this something we should be teaching our children? There’s so many things wrong with this…let’s get in to it.
First off, let’s talk about how there’s only one child shown in the picture. Russian roulette requires at least two people to play, otherwise you’re just going to lose no matter what.
Secondly, the game only comes with a place for four players…which is problem for the following reason…
Third, the are six bullets. Six Bullets. Six. In a Russian roulette game. In a Russian roulette game designed for four players. Let that sink in for a moment. Whoever goes first, loses. That’s not a game…that’s a trap.
Now, let’s talk about what they got right. The gun they provide is a revolver, not a semi-automatic. That’s it. With six bullets in a six bullet revolver, it’s an automatic “You Lose”, so it wouldn’t really matter, would it? Don’t buy this for your kids.
There you have it, six more toys that W.A.T.C.H. didn’t care to report on. We scare because we care, they scare because fuck you. Merry Christmas.