Ancient Astronaut Theory is Stupid (s)

Aliens must fuck everythingLarger View (new window)

So, my wife and I were looking for something good to watch on TV, which is pretty hard to do, when we came across a listing which caught our eye. Now, this didn’t catch our eye in a good way, mind you. The name on the channel guide was “Ancient Aliens and Bigfoot”, or something similar, I don’t remember or care to look it up. What I do remember, is the description insinuated bigfoot is either an alien or was left by aliens.

I instantly started cracking up and my wife just stared in shock at the notion. Now, I feel there is a sasquatch as there’s a lot of evidence to support it, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if we learn there really isn’t. What I don’t believe is bigfoot is a fucking alien or we’ve had aliens screwing around on the planet.

The last line is a direct tie in to what one of the theories introduced was. You see, according to someone on the show, I think it was some crack pot woman, ancient aliens came down and wanted to hang out here, but also wanted to create new creatures. Why? Who the fuck knows. Probably some bullshit about mining gold with forced labor instead of just using their vast, advanced, superior technology to do it. Anyway, what happened was these ancient astronauts saw these ancient bigfoot and decided, “Let’s blend our DNA with it!” In other words, they fucked our prehistoric great apes.

Again, why? I don’t know and neither do these “theorists”. It’s amazing how often they come up with the idea aliens decided to blend DNA with their own. I mean…not even humans do that. Sure some scientists in the second world war tried to make ape men, but those were German scientists who were being ordered to do some really moronic shit. What humans do is take animals which have a specific use we want and try to make it easier to get, like spider silk from goat’s milk.

What this boils down to, apparently, aliens are super horny and will screw just about anything. From ants (the Myrmidon according to ancient astronaut crackpots) to makeup wearing apes (I can only assume the makeup part), these aliens put their glorbnork into everything they came across. As humans, there are some pretty bizarre sexual tastes, but this goes above and beyond.

Why would these ancient astronauts want to cram their glorbnork into an animal anyway? Are they all just super kinky? Are they all just looking for the next big fetish? If this was a fetish thing, a lot of aliens came here with their spiked glorbnorks and pounded the hell out of every creature we have on this planet. The dinosaurs must have died from excessive snu snu! It was a sex-pocolypse.

I think I just figured out what the great flood actually was…

The Magical Whistling Vagina

There are few actual magical things in this world: Love of a puppy, a full moon on a still summer night, and the strangling of a baby. Well, I’ve found one more thing: the whistling vagina. While it’s not mine anymore, I had the pleasure of experiencing it for a time in my life and I know I can die a happy man now.

How this all started was simple enough and hardly worth mentioning, but I will. I had just finished a nine mile round trip hike around a local mountain range when I spotted a black haired angel. She was only around five foot four inches, but she had a hard body, tight ass, and a pair of tits which betrayed her small figure. Banging lips, too, which I knew could suck a pair of balls straight out of a hard dick. Turns out, I was right about that, but let’s not focus on this.

We caught eyes as I approached, so I stopped and began some idle chat with her. She told her two annoying friends to go ahead without her, and we made plans to meet up later. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What about this magical whistling vagina?” I’m getting to that. Every story needs a good setup.

She must have called me fifteen times in two days to tell me how excited she was to meet up. Taking this as a cue, I decided to just invite her straight over to my place and have a date just like any other twenty three year old does. That is to say, put on Netflix, pretend to be interested in the movie on screen for five seconds, and then start making out for a few before banging each other until the sun comes up three days later. If you haven’t figured this is that kind of story yet, you’re dumber than even I figured you are.

The night in question comes around and she shows up in this tiny sun dress which barely covered her panties, which she actually wasn’t wearing, and was the description of “Holy shit, you fine!”. I popped some popcorn and we chatted as it finished up before flipping through Netflix to find something we were going to ignore. I don’t remember what it was, but sure enough, the make-out session started and she was aggressive in a good way.

Realizing this wasn’t going to be enough nor was the couch a good place to start the screwing, we both jumped up and ran to the bed room. All clothes came off and we got into the full swing of it. After about four strokes I realized I heard something strange, so I stopped and looked around. When I didn’t hear it again, I continued, only to realize the sound came back. She asked what was wrong and I told her, “I hear something odd…like…like a whistle that keeps changing as I’m nailing you.” She blushed and told me it was her. Well, not her, but her magical whistling vagina. I didn’t believe her and started trying different variations, which, sure enough, changed the pitch and length of each whistle.

From that moment on I was hooked! I couldn’t get enough of that magical whistling vagina. With her help, I explored all kinds of different musical tastes from Fredrick Francois Chopin to ZZ Top. From Waltz to Dubstep. Sadly, happiness can never truly last forever and she left one day for new adventures. I will always remember, and be grateful, for the time with that magical whistling vagina!

Revised Employee Handbook from Human Resources (Must Read)

Employee Handbook Revisions

Attention All Employees:

The following are revisions for the 2015 Employee Handbook. Each Employee is expected to read through each rule change and sign off, in agreement, on the bottom of this document. Failure to do so will be grounds of termination.


HR §141-22.4.4 – Work Attire – Ties (Men)
Previously listed as…

…solid colors only with no discernible patterns nor be offensively bright.

Now listed as…

…anything worn by those idiots from the Def Comedy Jam tour…you know what we mean!

 
 
HR §141-22.5.6 – Work Attire – Skirts (Women)
Bringing ourselves into the modern area, this section has been rewritten. Previously listed as…

Skirts for all women must be to the knee or lower. No skirt may be above the knee or have slits of any length.

To show we’re now hip and much more cool, the section now reads as the following:

Skirts for any person must be to the knee or lower. Skirts may not be above the knee, but may have up to a 3″, no longer, slit on one side of the leg or the other. All legs must be shaven.

We live in the now with you.
 
 
HR §215-11.2.3 – Usage of the water-cooler
This section has not been updated since 1952 and we never felt the need to, but we’re bringing ourselves up to the 2015 expectations of such a great company. Previously listed as…

Water coolers may be used by whites only. No niggers, no spics, no kikes! You shouldn’t even be working here if you’re one of those anyway.

It is now listed as…

Water coolers may be used white Caucasians only. No African-Americans, no Hispanics, and no Jews. You shouldn’t have been hired to begin with, except the Jews in our accounting department. Use your own water cooler.

 
 
HR §222-2.22.2.1 and – §222-2.22.2.2 Personal Item Displays in cubicle (NEW ADDITION)
It is important for people to feel comfortable at work and personal items are a great way to do this. We already allow small pictures and even a few toys on your desk, but in the wake of new portable technologies, we have added something new.

*-*.*.*.1- Any cooking item must be properly grounded when plugged in to prevent fires.
*-*.*.*.2- No deep friers are allowed since we like to keep employees somewhat thinner than the norm.

We like fried cheese as much as the next guy, but given we keep most you in your seat for up to twelve hours a day for little pay, we’re going to do our part in helping you stay healthy.
 
 
HR §311-M.D.K – Firearms and other weapons
In order to keep employees safer at the work place, we have revised this section. Previously listed as…

Firearms and other weapons, including but not limited to pocket knives, are prohibited for possession on company grounds. This includes, but is not limited to, the parking lot areas as well.

It is now listed as…

Firearms, other weapons, and anything which may be used as a weapon, such as your own personal pens, scissors, or staple removers, are prohibited to be in your personal possession without supervision from a Manager II or higher. This includes, but is not limited to, the unlit parking lot areas as well. The parking lot is now without lights to keep people from seeing you come and go, which makes you safer, since no one will know you’re there. We are also telling everyone through the media and using roadside billboards to let everyone know our employees pose no threat since they are completely unarmed.

Your safety is one of our top priorities!
 
 
HR §318-1.2.3 – Harassment (Sexual)
Sexual harassment is a real problem. Women don’t have to deal with it, so remember that. Originally listed as…

Any written or spoken comment, graphical depiction, unwanted look, touch or other action, or anything which may be interpreted as a sexual nature is prohibited.

Now listed as…

Just because you’re a fat, ugly or homely bitch doesn’t mean the woman getting more attention than you doesn’t like the attention she’s getting. Maybe she’s loving and asking for it. If you’re an attractive woman and you’re wearing a blouse which shows off 90% of your breast, expect people to look. Don’t wear it or shut the fuck up.

Stick with your own gender for workspace friends if you don’t like how one gender acts toward the other.
 
 
HR §525-2.1.1 – Internet Usage
As people have gotten used to the Internet, its attraction and mystery have begun to wane. As such, we have revised our Internet policy to reflect the changing attitudes of the people. Previously listed as…

Internet usage is to be limited to only work related items such as project research or sending e-mails. No personal web browsing is allowed. Any violation of this will be grounds for termination!

Now listed as…

Internet usage for pornography is to be limited to your 30 minute break. This ensures your finish as 10 minutes is too short. Usage of Facebook is limited to one wall post and one crop watering per day! You may only view on YouTube, but have unlimited time to view, Sunrie Gaming, Speedy and the Crew, and Vanoss Gaming since those guys are hilarious.

We feel this is the best compromise for personal use to balance work related items.
 
 
HR §666 HAIL SATAN!
No revisions. We’re just reminding you.


Please sign below indicating you have read, agree with, and promise to comply with all revisions of the company.

I, ________________________________________, do swear to uphold, with unrelenting courage, all rules and revisions presented to me. HAIL SATAN!

or

I, ________________________________________, formally resign and commend the dark lord to take my soul now. HAIL SATAN!

DC Comics characters with disabilities – Nerd Speak #1

For the first installment of Nerd Speak, we join Sunrie and Wyldfyre as they discuss DC Comic characters with disabilities which negate their super abilities.


#1 – Flash: Diabetes with no legs or has Parkinson

Sunrie: Imagine the Flash being so fat he ended up with Type II Diabetes! That super speed sure as hell isn’t helping now, is it, fatty? Seventy six hot dogs an hour isn’t exactly the best diet!

Wyldfyre: Or a the best for speed! Or even seventy six hot dogs a minute. I’m sure he can speed digest. I mean, I don’t know that…but…you know…

Sunrie: I know Michael Phelps has one hell of a caloric intake each day, but can you imagine what this guy must go through? What if no one told him about limiting his sugar intake?

Wyldfyre: He’s got, like, speed diabetes! He has to take those shots every five seconds. “Fuck! I broke that needle off in my asshole, guys!” Yeah, they’re super heroes, but they’re only human, too. Bad things can happen them at the worst times. “I’m fighting my arch-nemesis, but I got the dye-bet-as!”

Sunrie: True enough…what if he had that Michale J. Fox thing…Parkinsons?

Wyldfyre: Oh, god, dude. yes, he’d shake so fast he would end up, like, takING a nap and end up in dinosaur era, or some time in the future when everyone has his powers. The problem is, they wouldn’t have Parkinsons, so he could see what his life would be like. Better yet, he would phase! He’d shake so fast he’d end up in the center of the Earth. He’s phased before.

Sunrie: No shit…

Wyldfyre: Would lava hurt you if you’re phased? Would you just come out the other side like the Earth just cummed you out? You know, like the Earth just shit you out?

Sunrie: I think it’s time to move on…


#2 – Superman: Xeroderma pigmentosum

Sunrie: “Hey, guys, I’m powered by the sun, but that sun kills me. Fuck you! I’m only going out at night!”

Wyldfyre: “I’m the night time super hero! If a train goes off the cliff at noon, then you’re on your own, so fuck you!”

Sunrie: “Oh, the sun is so bright and scary…let the day time guys take care of that!”

Wyldfyre: “I”m not a man…I’m a SUPERMAN!” First, it’s a normal day for Clark Kent, but he walks out the door and beam of sunlight hits his arm catches on fire. He starts running, screaming cause he’s on fire… The very thing that gives him power is his second kryptonite.

Sunrie: He’d be a total night owl.

Wyldfyre: Yeah, he’d be a fat bastard like the Flash, jerking off to Internet porn all day. “Ooooooh, Louis Lane! I’d love to get with you, but the sun burns me!” Kind of like the Thundercats enemies who can’t go in the daytime. I mean…even the moon reflects the sun.

Sunrie: I don’t think as much…but if he’s out all night and not in the day I’m sure he could still get a suntan. Which brings up a good question I’ve always wondered: Why isn’t Superman at least as orange as one of those cock-suckers from Jersey Shore?

Wyldfyre: Yes…the good thing, though, is he doesn’t have to put up with Snooky. Fucking Superman.


#3 – Lex Luthor: Brain tumor

Wyldfyre: I can see this. All bad shit! I envision the Justice League seeing a 20K” TV, which Batman bought, and he laughs, “Hahahah, guys! I did…uh…something…to piss…uh…SOMEONE off…What did I do? Hold on, I got a phone call…uh, hello? Uh huh…yeah…what?” This is all going on during the screen time with the Justice League. It’s really awkward.

Sunrie: He’s around a level 9 intelligence or some bullshit, and his brain is being eaten away like Steven Hawking’s legs.

Wyldfyre: Dude…

Sunrie: What?

Wyldfyre: Nothing. I’m sure he did get cancer at one point.

Sunrie: No…I think the only reason he wore the suit to fight Superman, if that’s what you’re thinking.

Wyldfyre: No, he got cancer. Let me check the Wiki!

Sunrie: Oh dear god…

Wyldfyre: Says he cured cancer! Oh, this is about the wrestler…oh, no wait…no it isn’t. Turns out he did get cancer by wearing a kryptonite ring!

Sunrie: HAHAHAH! What a fucktard!

Wyldfyre: Why didn’t they realize there was some radiation if it was affecting Superman?

Sunrie: Uh…because DC and fuck you?


#4 – Batman: Afraid of the dark

Sunrie: Technically, bats don’t see in the dark, they use ultra-sonic…some shit or another…to find their way. It’s basically Doppler radar, but they don’t have to pay for it. It’s kind of cool. From what I can tell, Batman has all the features of a bat on his outfit, without the cool powers.

Wyldfyre: Pretty much. He’s, like, the spoiled rich bitch, who can order everything through E-bay. He can take down all the other characters, because they were stupid enough to tell him.

Sunrie: I would never tell anyone my weakness! Pussy doesn’t count, because I’m a man.

Wyldfyre: If Batman was afraid of a the dark, would he be screaming for Alfred to hold his hand as he goes back up to the mansion? He’d have to call himself Daywalker or something. “I am vengeance, I am the DAY!!! I AM DAYWALKER!”

Sunrie: I’m sure there is a super hero named Daywalker, but don’t quote me on that.

Wyldfyre: He’d HAVE to change his name! Birdman would suck, and he’s already an attorney. Lemur-Man? He’d have to be like Sunlight man. His outfit would have a smiling sun drawn by some four year old.

Sunrie: Captain Sunshine is probably what his name would be. He’d be the happiest super hero ever. He’d be Superman’s arch-enemy, too.

Wyldfyre: The Joker would just turn off the lights and cattle prod him to the penis. That’d suck. I’d hate to die like that. Rant over.

Sunrie: Dude…what the fuck?


#5 – Martian Manhunter: Xenophobe

Sunrie: I’ve never really understood or even know shit about Martian Manhunter. I know his name is John or some stupid shit…because, you know, that’s a god damn Martian name. Why are Martians always green? Even Cowboy Bebop had Spike who had green hair.

Wyldfyre: Spike wasn’t an alien, was he?

Sunrie: He was from Mars.

Wyldfyre: Oh, that’s right. Martian Manhunter is like the Charlie Brown of the DC Universe. He changes into a human to keep people from knowing aliens are among them, except, you know, SUPERMAN!

Sunrie: I was going to bring that up.

Wyldfyre: Yeah, in the animated series, I’m sure he’s a black guy, so, you know, equally useless.

Sunrie: I don’t know how to argue…

Wyldfyre: He’d hate all humans because, to him, WE are the aliens. He’d have a hick accent and speak like Foghorn Leghorn. His people taught us to build the pyramids!

Sunrie: Would he want us to leave?

Wyldfyre: Of course! His kind were here first! To him, we’re all higgers!

Sunrie: Higgers???

Wyldfyre: That’s what they call us!

Sunrie: Oh, that makes sense.

Wyldfyre: If he’s drinking at the bar, disguised as a black dude, and someone comes in while he’s drinking, he’d throw a fit because he’d refuse to pay for some higger giving him a drink.

Sunrie: I think we got a little side tracked.

Wyldfyre: Nope.


#6 – Wonder Woman: Afraid of heights

Sunrie: Wonder Woman is a joke, but not on purpose. What good is a lasso which makes people tell the truth? “I have you in a lasso which makes you tell the truth!” she says…followed by him going, “NICE FUCKING TITS!!! I WANT TO FUCK YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING!!!”

Wyldfyre: Let’s give her some arm things…and a god damn lasso, and an invisible god damn jet. That makes so much sense. What if she catches someone and asks something stupid like, “Do you have a crush on me?!” Does it work if you just touch it? Does she have to tell the truth all the time? That would be against the nature of women, anyway.

Sunrie: True, but that’s just a normal stupid thing about her, like the invisible jet itself. We’re going into things which would be a disability besides being a woman.

Wyldfyre: It’s like you don’t want to give her a disability since she was written by a retard, obviously. You have Batman, who’s amazing, you have Superman who’s the Goku of the DC universe, then you have Wonder Woman *retard voice* I have an invisible jet! */retard voice* Let’s just give her an invisible jet!

Sunrie: True. How does she even find that damn thing? I have a hard time imagining her feeling her way through the damn airfield for 20 minutes…or someone crashing into it.

Wyldfyre: If she was afraid of heights, since she can fly now, I can see it all, “Captain Cocksuck is getting away!’ She’d be running while everyone else is taking off and flying, even Batman who’s in his Bat-plane.

Sunrie: Captain Cocksuck???

Wyldfyre: I had to make up a vilian. How about Sergeant Cock’n’balls?

Sunrie: Not better…

Wyldfyre: Anyway, what if she had to climb a tower and was the only one who could get up there? Imagine a bomb which would destroy all time and space, but she’s the only hope. Would she shit herself after fifteen feet? Can you imagine shit through that g-string she wears? It’d be like a cheese grader!

Sunrie: It’d be chocolate rain…just don’t drink it.

Wyldfyre: Back on the plane: Why would someone from Greek mythology need an invisible JET?! I WANT TO KICK THE WRITER IN THE NUTS!!

Sunrie: Again, because DC and fuck you.

Wyldfyre: Batman’s like, “Everyone can fly now but me, what the fuck, man?”


#7 – Green Lantern: Germaphobe

Wyldfyre: So, would they have to put him in a bubble? Well, not everyone who has this disease is in a bubble, but what if they had to?

Sunrie: He’d be like a hamster in a wheel, which would be hilarious.

Wyldfyre: The act of him putting that ring on itself is what made him so sick. The aliens didn’t realize the human immune system was so fragile. Sadly, the bubble couldn’t be a construct of his own power, it has to be an actual bubble.

Sunrie: His powers also couldn’t go outside of the bubble. He’d never get with a woman…ever.

Wyldfyre: Yeah, he’d be all like, “All the day, and black of night, no woman will escape my sight!” He’d be fucking a green version of the chick he always wanted, but his dick is flopping all over the place.

Sunrie: It’d be like Game of Thrones, but his dick would be hard. Still, would his own dick snot make him sicker?

Wyldfyre: It is coming from him…he’d probably clean it up with some magic Mr. Clean who’s all green and shit.


#8 – Joker: Tree huger

Wyldfyre: I can actually kind of see this! Batman would be at a peace rally and Joker is chanting, “Stop this war! Stop this war!” Batman is just chilling when Joker turns to him and asks if he knows how he got the scars. Turns out Joker got the scars from hugging a tree and the bark cut his face up.

Sunrie: Well, Liberalism is a mental illness. So, this is plausible.

Wyldfyre: Joker would have to call himself like, Flower Spit, since he turned over a new leaf.

Sunrie: That’s a really bad pun…

Wyldfyre: Well, I like it…I really like it!

Sunrie: I’m just glad we didn’t go with the obvious of Joker not being funny.

Christmas Songs: Analyzed and Insulted

Ah, Christmas time. I actually really love it. Even though I have more fun during Halloween…and I have yet to get a Christmas tree since I have just gotten home after being gone for a while…I do love Christmas. After all, like most people know, I’m not really a Jew, I’m just kind of Jew-ish.

The one thing which does annoy the hell out of me during this time of year, however, are some of the common Christmas songs we hear over and over and over again. There are some I like, such as Carol of the Bells with no vocals to ruin it, there are others which just annoy the ever living piss out of me. I’m not going to cover some of the ones already done by other popular authors, such as Maddox, so don’t expect to see “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” or “Rudolph: The Red Nose Reindeer”. I won’t even cover “The Grinch; Who Stole Christmas”.

Here are some of the Christmas carols I can’t stand and why. However, before I began, let me start off by saying the name of one of Santa’s reindeer is Dunder not Donner. It’s Dutch for Thunder, you fucking idiots. Lastly, it’s Blixem not Blitzen. His name means Lightening.


The Little Drummer Boy

You know what? Fuck that little drummer boy. He’s one of the reasons the night was anything but silent (I’ll get more on that later). Yeah, this is what every six hour old child wants: Some two year old little twat to show up and start smacking on a drum while they’re trying to sleep!

There’s a damn good reason why God sent Jesus and not me. See, if I was less than 24 hours hold and this asshole showed up banging on his drum while all I wanted to do was sleep after drinking me some breast milk, the world would be very different. I wouldn’t have gone to that cross. The Bible would be dramatically altered because of it. No one would have been saved.

That entire book written about Jesus would have been about three paragraphs long with me and that drummer boy involved. Basically, it would name the child so every future generation knew exactly who fucked it up for the entire world and no one would name their child anything close to it, then after about three sentences it would just be rambling.

Example:

It was then and there the savior was born. Sadness in our hearts, however, as two year old Amani Kivi Bahir came with his drum, pounding on it with all he could, which made the baby Sunrie realize there was nothing to save in this world. A world now forever stuck without the sacrifice of the lamb, we do live in, which meant the chill ass wise men who brought the gold, frankincense and mur never did get their pimped out party with the savior on his eighteenth birthday.

The next two sentences and two following paragraphs would be the scathing rant written by myself. I would not be kind, either. There would be nothing you could do about in religion, either, because the Bible is the word of God. You can’t censor that or you’d be in even bigger trouble than you’d already be in. Yeah. Let that sink in for a bit.


O’ Christmas Tree

Why are people singing to their trees? This is some major pagan bullshit, right here. I’m pretty sure God is pissed off any and every time you sing this. This may be one of those few things that’ll send you to hell!

Is this song to lull the tree into acceptance of it’s fate? You’ve chopped down a tree. You took the tree from its home, friends, and family. You’re making it die very slowly. The whole thing is a major dick move.

Really, the whole act is similar to beating a midget to an inch of its life, giving it an IV drip, dressing it up in a festive manner, and then watching him die an agonizing death. Come to think of it…I may have a new holiday tradition! No one will beat my “Elf on the Shelf”!


All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth

This song is beyond stupid. I don’t think the English language has a word foul enough to describe how annoying this song truly is. Not just the song, but the little girl who sings it, too! It’s so terrible I’m not even going to suggest you look it up when I normally would. Look, I know this is supposed to be a cute story during a time of innocence and simplicity, but I want to gut this kid like Jack the Ripper’s next victim!

The lyrics are annoying as all get out, too. At one point the little bitch actually complains that it’s been “…so long since I could say, ‘Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!'”. What…the…fuck? At what point should that ever come up in a conversation. Why the hell is “sister Susie” sitting on a god damn thistle?! Do I even want to know? I already know there was a time sex toys were near impossible to get, but come on! Even if that’s not the story here, why would it ever be appropriate to say this phrase?

For the love of it all…the whistling in the song takes top spot in the SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU GOD DAMN KID!!!!!! category. The whole thing is forced to make it sound like breath blowing through two missing front teeth. I’ve never known this to happen. Yes, some people have a whistle when they talk, but it’s usually less of a tooth issue and more of a how-the-tongue-is-being-held-in-the-mouth issue.

At the end of the song, bitch cakes tries saying “Wish you a Merry Christmas”, but keeps failing. Yeah, just like her parents failed at giving birth to a functional child who will ever hope to benefit society, she fails at saying a simple phrase. What does she do? Well, she screams, “A HAPPY NEW YEAR!” instead. Excuse me? How the fuck is that hard to say without missing any two front teeth? She obviously can do it no problem, and it’s completely out of line for the song itself.

I think for New Years she’s going to need all of her god damn teeth if she doesn’t keep her mouth shut around me.


Silent Night

Remember what I said about the night being anything but Silent? Yeah, this is it. The song talks about how it’s a silent night, but I know the truth, and now you will, too. You may want to take notes, but you can always use this as reference, so…whatever.

How the hell can there have been a silent night when we have, according to multiple other accounts through song, angels singing, a little boy banging his drum, Santa Clause shouting his catchphrase, reindeer rattling bells, a full on carol of bells, a woman screaming from child birth followed by a newborn screaming, three wise men chatting it up with the new parents, and a manger full of baying animals?! That night, much like the slow pending divorce of your parents, was anything but silent.

Honestly, how could anyone confuse the first Christmas, which wasn’t even on December 25th, with having a silent night? Sorry, but Franz Xaver Gruber was a total dipshit. A real song about that night would be screaming death metal along the lines of Schatten Aus Der Alexander Welt. What? The song is by a band called Bethlehem. Seems appropriate given the topic. Screw you.


I could go on a few more, but I’m sure you get the point. If you don’t, well, whatever, like I care.

Merry Christmas. Don’t let the Muslims blow you up.

Character Diary #2 (GTA Online)

Holy warriors doing the Lord's work!
I have found religion. Well, I found it for about six days and then got bored. Still, I believe I now understand what it is that I am: A chosen one by god. How else can you explain my inability to die? I learned I am a holy warrior thanks to my friend Wyldfyre. Turns out…he’s also a chosen one.

So, pretty much, how this all came about was my buddy Wyldfyre calls me and says he wants me to help him “cleanse the unholy” as a “Jesus warrior”. I figure, “Yeah, fuck it, why not?”, because, honestly, why not?

Now, ideally, if you’re going to be a super hero, even one for Christ, you have absolutely need to be dressed correctly. The first place I meet up with Wyldfyre is the clothing shop. “Make sure you look good!” he tells me. We select the best suits we can find, kill the shop owner because they were greedy, and then head over to the barbershop. When we get there, we find another lost lamb. After allowing him to give us our super hero make-up, we try to explain why his life style choice is an affront to the Holy One. Sadly, he didn’t want to listen, so we had to baptize him with our holy rocket launcher. God’s grace kept shining on us! The evil force controlled by the devil was not hunting us at this time, so we were encouraged to continue our divine mission.

Driving down the night streets we looked for other lost souls who we were to save. What luck! Wyldfyre noticed a woman selling her body for money! Wyldfyre did his best to get her to understand her life choice was unclean and how Jesus did not approve. Realizing she wasn’t listening, I had to intervene. See, I can be very persuasive and I knew my diplomatic ways would reach her. Well, they would if she could be saved. The prostitute would hear nothing of the saving grace of Jesus. I knew what I had to do…I removed my blessed blade of righteousness and gut her like a fish. If she wished to be a hand of the devil, he could have her for a face-to-face talk!

Unfortunately, after taking down the dirty whore, I saw I was missing not only my baseball bat, but my crowbar, my axe, and my golf club. Where did they go? I have no idea, but I knew we had to get at least my golf club back. Okay, so we didn’t think about how it was around midnight when we got to the golf course. The positive side to this, however, is we found a lot of midnight golfers… HEATHENS! We made sure to cleanse the filth with molotov cocktails, which Wyldfyre assured me had been blessed by a priest, which made them holy or something.

The devil was now on to us! We heard the screaming of his demons in the distance. Obviously the cops were working as minions of Satan, because if they were under the influence of God, they wouldn’t be attacking us for doing Jesus’ work. If you’re wondering, no, I never did get a new golf club, but that’s fine. We had to get away from these demons. Luckily, Wyldfyre is a great driver, especially in my Zentorno. The cops were rushing us like mad men possessed by the devil…which we knew they were.

With the speed of God’s hand pushing us down the street, we did our best to keep the cops from getting us. I took to shooting out their tires and killing the most foul of them to great effect. The good ones were spared, however, by the grace of God! Nearing the airport, I told Wyldfyre to make his way to the runway so we could get in some planes and fly away like the angels we were. Unfortunately for the demons, they would not give up and sent helicopters our way. Leaning out of the window, I tossed C4 up to them and exploded the charge next to one of the choppers. SUCCESS! The explosion caused one to burst into fire, all demons on board falling to the ground. Before the helicopter blew up, it swerved into a second one and took it out for me. Two helicopters with one C4? Thank you, Jesus!

When we finally made it onto the runway, I could see the airplanes up ahead of us. I instructed Wyldfyre where to go, all the while killing the demon pigs chasing us. Like a mother fucking boss, I stepped out of the car as he pulled a hard turn and immediately began to keep him safe so he could get the airplane started. Seeing my chance, I ran into the passenger seat and Wyldfyre began to take off. “We’re getting out of here, Brother!” Wyldfyre told me. I was looking back, flipping off the cops on the ground, as I said, “Yes! Look to the sk…” As I brought my gaze back forward, a helicopter dropped from the sky and performed a text book kamikaze attack right into our airplane!

After a brief five seconds of darkness, the Good Lord placed us back on Earth in order to continue to do his bidding. Both Wyldfyre and I laughed for about three hours straight over how crazy that cop was. Damn, the devil sure wanted us! Finding a few fat people and killing them for the crime of gluttony and also a few people smoking, we took a car the Holy Spirit wished us to have. Where did we go? Where else? The Rainbow Unicorn, of course!

I didn’t beat around the bush on this one. Before entering, I stabbed the doorman with a broken bottle I found on the ground. Some how everyone inside knew what was coming and they began to charge out of the door, knocking me to the ground. Being the ever ready God Warrior he is, Wyldfyre made sure there was no one surviving this. I managed to put a shotgun into the back of two strippers’ heads and I felt proud. Even with the good work we put in, we were not finished here. I poured gasoline from the entrance into the main room, where I found one patron still cowering. Yes…yes I covered him in gasoline and shot the trail, setting the entire place ablaze, as well as cleansing him in the holy fire. Not surprisingly, the devil was really pissed off and sent his demons after us. Using the enlightenment from the Almighty, Wyldfyre found a way backstage, where we hid. Knowing we were protected, the Great Deceiver gave up after about a minute or so. We walked out knowing we had done God’s work.

After that we decided to run over those who needed to die and made the train smash some cars while we were in them. All in all, a productive time.


Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts 2014

Every year the Boston Group releases their Top Ten Most Dangerous Toys. While the Boston Group is hell bent on ruining people’s childhood like a drunk step-father who is noticing his new 12 year old step-daughter entering puberty, this year their toy list isn’t as complete as it could be. For some reason, while the Boston Group has listed fun and harmless items, they intentionally and negligently ignored the toys I’m listing here.


1. Slashy Ruxpin
According to the manufacturer, Slashy Ruxpin is the failed adventuring Teddy Ruxpin after children stopped caring. Each story starts off with him either finding a dead body in his car, drinking in a bar, finishing sex with a hooker, or waking up after a weekend of drug use.

This new toy is being marketed as the “next great story telling plush animal and a unique interactive experience”. What make Slashy Ruxpin so interactive? Well, apparently as he tells the story, you must fuel him with alcohol or else he gets violent and starts to swing his knife. The truth is, he will get violent and swing with his knife randomly during each story session anyway.

Personally, no matter how much I’m told this toy is safe by the manufacturer, I’m not going to believe it. Sure, it says you are safe to insert the knife tip into your bare anus seventeen times for that alone, but is it really true? I seriously doubt it. Also, lighting him on fire when he screams for you to end his life is supposed to make him run around the house in a frenzy. How is that okay?!


2. HammerTime Harry
Coming from the box: “HammerTime Harry is the coolest, most depressed guy you know! When he’s not dancing to beatbox hits, he’s fanning the hammer on his favorite pistol in minority neighborhoods.” Included in the packaging is the “action figure” itself, two outfits (one for dancing and the other for mandatory court appearances) and a live fire gun, which shoots real bullets.

Where do I even start with this? First off, it’s teaching kids its okay to just saunter into minority neighborhoods. That right there is a dangerous lesson. Just like minorities should stay out of the well-to-do neighborhoods, the rest of us should stay out of their HUD controlled crack dens. Secondly, I’m pretty sure that’s designed to look like a striker fired gun, so there is no hammer to speak of. Kids already don’t know enough about guns, so leave it to the professionals to teach them, not some plastic doll. Thirdly, the gun shoots .22lr rounds, which are still pretty hard to find. Think finding a D-cell battery is difficult? Try finding .22lr in vast quantities.

Does a person with depression really warrant an “action figure”? You’d think more people would be up in arms over this kind of thing, but I guess not. This is why I do these consumer reports, because unlike the media, I actually care about you all.


3. Un-Nerf Flamethrower
If there was ever a toy I used to want, it would be this. However, now that I am older, I see this thing for what it is: A lawsuit waiting to happen.

Don’t be confused with the name of this toy! This isn’t made by Nerf. Nope. The title is to trick you into believing you’re getting something safe and secure. The Boston Group listed a toy bow which shoots a plastic arrow, but they ignored this? What the hell is wrong with them? I, for one, don’t need a bunch of kids running around the neighborhood burninating everything they come across. I shutter to think of the “flame tag” games which will undoubtedly turn entire metropolitan areas into ash!


4. My First Suicide Kit
This “toy” says it contains everything you’ll need to remove yourself from this mortal coil. Now, I don’t know about you, but should kids really be using this kind of product? Sure it contains cyanide tablets, a sharp knife, a noose, and even a .38Spl loaded with low pressure rounds plus a light weight trigger, but suicide is serious business. It’s not a game. A game means there is room for failure, and when you’re going for suicide you have to get it right the first time. You don’t want to fail at something like suicide!

Even more than the seriousness of this “toy” in the hands of your child, think how dangerous this would be for your child will discover it at a friend’s house. Do you really want them going into this kind of thing unprepared? They may think it’s a game! What happens if their friend decides to test it out on your precious little baby? Yeah, the Boston Group messed up big time when they over looked this literal death trap. This is a bigger oversight on their part since they forgot to include the Official Baby Death Trap!!!!


5. Medicate Me! Molly
Medicate Me! Molly is here to teach your darling daughter how to and the importance of self medicating. Don’t confuse this with Puking Pauline (learn about that one, here) as this toy is actually dangerous for your child.

Just about every popular upper and downer medication since the 1950’s makes its presence here: Valium, imipramine, venalfaxine, ketamine, K2/spice, adderall and oxycodone are all there. Similar to real life, the pills themselves aren’t marked as to what they are, but that’s not what the dangerous and dumb part of this toy is, oh no. You see, when Medicate Me! Molly vomits, one of those pills expels from her mouth for your child to eat. The only way to know which pill came out is to eat it. The manufacturer exclaims there are a total of 24 “colored treats” for your daughter to “enjoy”.

Self medicating is a real issue in this country, as well as many others, so to find a toy company trying to cash in on the trend is disgusting. Okay, yeah, sure, the fact an unlicensed toy company is providing prescription only level narcotics to children is an issue, too. Making each pill a colorful treat is unprofessional. Kids could confuse candy such as Skittles with a quick narcotic bump, only to be disappointed and become more violent. A kid who needs their high is a kid you need to avoid, especially if they have one of those HammerTime Harry toys!


Well, there you have five toys the Boston Group didn’t include. I have no idea why. Maybe they just don’t care as much as they say they do. I think they just want kids to grow up wrapped up in bubble wrap and go after the toy companies who have the deepest wallets. Fuck off guys, seriously.