Monetization practice for Borderlands 3 has been leaked…and it’s not good news

When Borderlands 3 was announced to release on September 13, 2019 the Internet lost their minds. This made not only Randy Pitchford happy to the point he actually discouraged his employees from openly insulting any customers for 24 hours on Twitter, but Strauss Zelneck (CEO of Take-Two Interactive) was so overwhelmed by the reactions he immediately began shoving endangered species full of money to preserve them on his walls and smoking cigars wrapped in $100 (USA) bills.

Microtransactions have been the source of massive contention in the gaming world for consumers. Few games lend themselves to the absolutely abusive nature as the Borderlands franchise. As if we needed specific proof to the greed of Take-Two Interactive and the gaming industry in general, the monetization practice for Borderlands 3 has been leaked and let’s just say it’s not good for the consumers. Originally released by Kojaku Magazine, a somewhat controversial gaming webzine, these are the following microtransactions they claim will be available in the upcoming Borderlands 3 game.

  • Eridium in blocks of 5, 10, 20, and 100
    Players will have the option to purchase the first premium currency, Eridium, in groups to make upgrades at a faster rate.

  • Seriph Crystals in blocks of 1, 5, and 10
    Players will have the option to purchase the upgraded premium currency, Seriph Crystals, which are required to update guns to higher levels and provide increased bank and player backpack space.

  • 100% Upgraded Backpack Space
    Players will be able to upgrade their Vault Hunter to carry the maximum number of weapons and items immediately, however, until the player reaches level 25 in game, the space will be provided at intervals every 5 levels until they reach their maximum. This frees up Seriph Crystals for use in other areas.

  • 100% Bank Space Upgrade
    Players will be able to upgrade their bank space to maximum immediately.

  • Gun Upgrade in blocks of 1, 3, and 5
    Players will be able to purchase an immediate upgrade to their weapon, bringing the power and stats up to their current level. Players can purchase one, three, or five upgrades at a time in order bring up to five guns to their current level.

  • Increased Ammo Capacity (All Weapons)
    Players have the option to purchase the ability to carry the maximum amount of ammo immediately instead of collecting Eridium for the upgrade in-game. Until level 25, players will be given the upgrade every 5 levels until the maximum has been reached.

  • Area Unlocks
    Players will be able to unlock other areas in the game without having to collect Eridium to power the keys.

  • Character Level +1, +5, +10
    Players have the option to level up their characters by one, five, or ten levels in order to beat areas they may be having trouble with. 

  • Skill Points +1, +2, +3
    Players have the option to get skill points without having to level up. This does not add skill points to characters, and instead grants the skill points early.

  • Retro Warriors (Individual/Group Pass)
    Not included in the Season Pass, this allows players to buy characters from past games to use in the Borderlands 3 during a New Game+*.

  • New Game+
    This allows a player to start the game all over, as a level 1, but with access to all weapons, items, and areas previously unlocked. All items, weapons, and areas will maintain their original power and levels, but will be usable immediately.

  • Remove Level Requirement
    Playesr have the option to remove the level requirement from a weapon they have found if they do not currently meet it.

  • Ultimate Vault Hunter
    This allows the most aggressive challenge to those who want it! Enemies level scale as high as your character does and provides increasingly better loot.

  • Second Active Character
    Players have the ability to run two character saves at the same time instead of having to archive their previous character.

  • New Characters To Be Announced
    These will be available separate from the season pass and will be announced at a future date.

Are we honestly surprised at this point to the extent of greed these gaming companies have? Maybe things can be changed much like the EA Star Wars: Battlefront 2 fiasco was. Only time will tell.


ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Sunrie is the editor-in-chief and head writer for Ramblings From the Sunrie and has been since the founding of the site since it first appeared on Open Diary, then on Xanga, and now on WordPress.

Gambit Prime – Quick Reference Guide! (s)(t)

I wrote up how I love Gambit Prime, even as a solo player, and I still do. However, people don’t seem to understand the simple mechanics. Yes, simple mechanics are at play in Gambit Prime. It’s also really easy to recognize who wants to do what. I am keeping this all positive, too! Please keep in mind this is not an in depth guide.

So, I’m here to write up some SGA on how to quickly and easily identify people (it may be a little more difficult for color blind people as I don’t know if any setting in Destiny 2 to make it easier) who have decided to dedicate themselves to a specific role and why you should just let them do it, as well as how a general “how to play” the role.

Oh, and do keep in mind…if you aren’t pulling your weight, someone else might step up and take over one of these roles from you.


Invader

  • Has armor with red highlights and is generally black or very dark overall

  • Can have a red aura above their head

  • Generally provides long range support to Reaper and Collector while provide close support for Sentry
    -This means they will be camping near the portal, often on high ground

  • Should be rapidly killing ads during the opening round before first invasion portal and providing fire support between invasion phases

  • Assist in killing invaders with Sentry between invasion phases

  • Kill as many opposing guardians as possible

  • Harass opposing team as much as possible

  • Given priority on heavy weapon ammo*
    CONSTANTLY invading, healing the primeval, and being a massive pain in the ass in general

*Sentry and Invader are both about as important having heavy ammo during the normal phases. Once it gets down to killing the primeval, Reaper takes priority followed by Invader

Invaders are awesome when you have a good one. Having a bad Invader or having no one being an Invader is bad. It’s also extremely bad to want “your turn” Invading. If you have a dedicated Invader, and they’re constantly getting kills when they Invade, BACK THE FU** OFF! Do not race them to the invasion portal. Do not decide “Well, they’re still running to the portal which just opened, so I’ll invade!” LET THE INVADER INVADE!!!

A great Invader will be able to stall the enemy team long enough for you to get your own primeval up and a chance to win. This isn’t like the original Gambit where you just need to invade no matter what. Great Invaders know when to time an Invasion and maximize the harassment of the enemy team.

General “How To Play As”
If you want to be an Invader, learn the timing and rhythm of invasions by watching the enemy bar at the top. Lots of white (not empty) bar and you guys just dropped two to four blockers? GET IN THERE AND KILL!!!! Not only are you able to slow down the enemy team from killing off the blockers, you’re draining their bank and they’re distracted enough for you to get some quick kills. Has the enemy called up their primeval? Well, get in there ASAP and stall them from killing envoys. Then what you need to do is start timing your invasions to their damage phase and make them waste that time. Most people don’t understand you can jump out of the well and keep the buff for several seconds, so it’s a great time to take down EVERYONE at once.

You’ll probably have the LEAST amount of motes deposited. Any hate you get over this means whoever is complaining is an moron who doesn’t understand the role and importance of an Invader. Just ignore them. They’re so special they’re considered a “protected class” of people.

Weapon Choice
Long range weapons are your best friend. I’ve seen some really successful Invaders use sniper rifles. I’ve seen really successful Invaders use Hammerhead as well. I personally don’t use Hammerhead in Gambit Prime, but to each their own. I personally like using a 180RPM scout rifle like Distant Relation (Explosive Payload+Outlaw). A “You Are Satan” choice is The Colony, as you can lob the rounds across the map and they will rush the enemy team before they know what is going on, as most people do not expect it. Pair it with a burst weapon like Bygones (Kill Clip+Outlaw is great) for closer range combat and you have a beautiful setup for being hateful. I’ve seen Jotunn used, but I find the tracking to be inconsistent.

Class Choice
What class makes the best Invader? I’d have to say it’s Warlocks with Nova Bomb setup followed by Hunters using either Golden Gun or Blade Barrage. Using a Nightstalker with Spectral Blades isn’t a bad idea and using Orpheus Rig can be dire to a team standing in a well. I have personally never seen a successful Invader who was a Titan.

Not going to lie here: Invader is my favorite role to play. I average 17 guardian kills per Gambit Prime match and I’ve caused several timeouts in which we’ve won and at least two “Draws” resulting in another round. Yes, I’m a Hunter main since D1.


Sentry

  • Has armor with yellow highlights and is usually more brown all over

  • Can have a yellow aura over their head

  • Generally provides close support to the bank and the people depositing while working with the Invader as a long range suppressor
    This means they will be down on the ground where the blockers come in

  • Kills as many Blockers and Invaders as possible
    -Being a general pain in the ass to the enemy and breaking their fantasy of quick, easy kills

  • Makes sure Invader doesn’t have a chance to go after the entire team

  • Given priority on heavy weapon ammo*

*Sentry and Invader are both about as important having heavy ammo during the normal phases. Once it gets down to killing the primeval, Reaper takes priority followed by Invader

Sentry players are the unsung heroes of Gambit Prime. The role can be boring, but the importance of a great Sentry cannot be stressed enough. It’s an extremely thankless job most players don’t consider or take for granted. Without a dedicated Sentry, you’re going to bleed motes constantly and you’re always going to have a bad time clearing blockers, when you could be banking and collecting. Let’s not forget that a Sentry with the right setup can actually SHOW(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)where the Invader is to THE ENTIRE TEAM! Yeah, you read that right, the moment a Sentry with the right gear rating hits an Invader, the entire team knows where the Invader is!

General “How To Play As”
You’re going to be hanging out at the bank most of the match. Not all of, just most of it. You need to pay attention to the bar at the top and calculate when you need to bust your butt back to the Bank in order to start clearing Blockers. Any time you hear the bell, act like Pavlov’s dog and run back to the bank. PERIOD. You need to make sure those blockers are gone ASAP. The second role you’re playing is Invader killer. You are responsible for knowing when and where that Invader is coming from and marking them. Marking them does require a high enough Sentry ranking, but that’s easily achieved with four pieces of +2 and using a Sentry Mote. The moment you hit the Invader, your entire team can now see where they are. You’ll generally have more motes banked than a Invader, so once again ignore any mentally challenged person who complains that you “didn’t bank enough motes compared to me”.

Weapon Selection
Right now for elemental: SOLAR. PERIOD! Why? Because Medium Blockers all have solar shields and you need to drop them as fast as possible. You’re gonna want a weapon you can use up close and personal, such as a shotgun with solar, and a medium/long range weapon. Assault rifles are fine as long as they are 600RPM and slower, otherwise you won’t do enough damage to the shields and enemy fast enough. I prefer Right Side of Wrong (Outlaw+Rampage/Kill Clip) as a pulse rifle, since you can do quick damage with a 4 round burst and it is great for use against invaders, even at distance. Jotunn is a pretty decent choice here as well, but when used against an Invader, as I’ve said, I find the tracking to be inconsistent. Any heavy will do, as long as you can rock a lot of ammo with it. You’re one of the heavy dealers of damage to the primeval, after all, behind a Reaper.

Class Selection
I know it’s cliche, but Titans make the best Sentry followed by Warlocks. Warlocks can use the Nova Bomb spam to really clear off the area and harass an Invader, and I have seen amazing work by bubble Titans who manage to mark the enemy and clear off the Blockers with ease. Hands down Hunters are the worst Sentry, as their supers do not have enough oomph to get the job done, even with Blade Barrage and Golden Gun. You’d think having a Nightstalker would make up the difference, but unless your team rushes in to help you, you cannot clean up fast enough as Hunter. Trust me. I know.


Reaper

  • Has armor with green highlights and is generally black overall or very dark

  • Can have a green aura over their head

  • Will be with or just ahead of the Collector murdering everything

  • Will be up the NPC enemy butthole and shooting their way out at every chance they get

  • Seeks out powerful enemies to take down as fast as possible
    -This can mean leaving the Collector in order to hunt a High Value Target

  • Cleans up any motes left behind by the Collector

  • Assists the Sentry, when possible, to clear Blockers

  • Given priority on heavy weapon ammo*

*Sentry and Invader are both about as important having heavy ammo during the normal phases. Once it gets down to killing the primeval, Reaper takes priority followed by Invader

Reapers are animals who enjoy killing everything. Everything. Did I mention how they kill everything? Think the definition of a ninja from that Real Ultimate Power website. Reapers are going to be your primary DPS for all the enemies on the field and the primeval. Playing a reaper is pretty fun! It’s more than just “killing things”, it’s about being as efficient as possible and as fast as possible. A great reaper can make getting your primeval summoned extremely fast.

General “How To Play”
You are the number one DPS machine on your team. You’re going to want the highest power level possible and the highest resilience/recovery as possible since you’re going to be up the back side of everything which moves in the game. The moment you hear there’s a high value target on the field, you need to find it ASAP. PERIOD. You’re going to make sure your Collector has the chance to pick up as many motes as fast a possible, and you’re going to make sure you collect anything they can’t, as well as get your other teammates motes to collect. Being a Reaper is all about F.A.S.T: Find – Annihilate – Sh** On Their Corpse – Take It To The Bank. (The original “T” was “Tea Bag”, but after you sh** on a corpse it’s probably not a good idea)

Weapon Selection
Anything which has a high DPS. Stay away from high rate of fire auto rifles (720RPM…600 is alright, but the slower firing provides more bang for your buck). I love Breakneck for being a Reaper. Thorn is great. If you have Maleficence, bless your heart and get to work! Just make sure you have a back up for regular enemies. Your heavy weapon needs to be something you can load up with ammo and has heavy destructive power. It’s a toss up here…while you can run something like Thunderlord or Hammerhead to clear ads fast, it won’t do much good against the bosses. It’s up to you: Faster ad clear with heavy or harder hitting single target for primeval. Personally, I’d stay with heavy hitting single target weapons to burn down that primeval.

User GilgameshP46 on reddit brought up a good point about swords: They’re fast and you can stun lock a primeval, allowing your team to really hammer them down like crazy.

Class Selection
ANY! The good news is, any class makes a great Reaper. Warlocks take top spot followed by Hunters and trailed in third by Titans. Warlocks can take out a large group of enemies fast with their supers and Hunters have some multi-target supers as well. Both have great supers to take on the primeval. Titans, sadly, just don’t have the supers to deal with a group on their own, but have a pretty nice natural resilience to their advantage, and a punch Titan or OEM wearing bastard can make life miserable for the NPCs.


Collector

  • Has armor with white highlights and usually brown over all

  • Can have a white aura over their head

  • Will be running with the Reaper for most of the match and hardly ever alone

  • Will be collecting as many motes can fit in their pockets, mouth, and any other open hole as possible as fast as possible

  • Secondary DPS to the Reaper for clearing ads, but not necessarily the primeval

  • Assists Reaper, when possible, in killing High Value Targets

  • Leaves no motes behind as much as possible

  • Hides when an Invader comes in and doesn’t engage directly if at all possible

  • Least priority for heavy ammo*

*Sentry and Invader are both about as important having heavy ammo during the normal phases. Once it gets down to killing the primeval, Reaper takes priority followed by Invader

Collectors are your vanilla bean flavors. This means while everyone is expected to collect motes at certain times, your Collector is just plain better at it. A great Collector grabs as many motes as fast as possible, never letting any go to waste, and is pounding that bank with high level blockers. It is everyone else’s job to pay attention to the Collector in order to have the most efficient Blockers sent to the enemy team and drain those motes!

General “How To Play”
You need to be fast. You need to be efficient. You need to be aware at all times. You are the #1 target of the enemy Invader. They are coming for you specifically. If you like sweaty, scary, fast paced action, then you need to be a Collector. Any and every mote goes in your pockets. A Collector with the right setup can drop a mini-primeval style Blocker on the enemy team, and it’s more than a little annoying to take down. You need to know when an Invader is coming and plan accordingly. You need to know when there are Blockers and when there will be Invaders. You are going to be hunted like a little rabbit and you need to be storing motes as fast as possible at all costs. Watch where the NPC enemies are at all times and where the damage is coming from. Do not be losing motes! This is one of the sweatiest roles to fill and can be a lot of fun. Mobility and resilience are extremely important. When you hear the Drift say it’s time for a primeval, then you need to get to the bank right away. PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weapon Selection
You need weapons which allow you to move fast, and do enough damage quickly to burn down ads. Submachine guns are great for this, and so are fast firing pulse rifles, such as Bygones (which is great for defending yourself against an Invader who manged to get too close). Shotguns are another option for you. Heavy weapons are going to be anything allowing you to take down a cluster of enemies fast, such as a rocket launcher with cluster bombs or machine guns. These will also help make an Invader think twice from getting up on you.

Class Selection
ANY! Any class makes a great collector. As long as you are fast and you have a situational awareness better than a ham sandwich, you’ll be fine.


Well, there you have it! A nice little guide on how to identify people who are taking on a specific role, what that role details, and a quick, easy to swallow taste of how to play each role. There are always much more detailed tactics, but that isn’t what this was about. Get out there, Guardians, and “cook that primeval! Drifter’s hungry!”

Want to group up for the Last Wish Raid? Here’s the rules for LFG!

If you want to join the raid, these are the requirements:

  1. Raid 25+ clears (THIS RAID ONLY!!!!!! and I check)
  2. 610 Light – if you don’t know how to do this, then you don’t need to raid
  3. Crucible K/D of 2.87 (not KA/D!!!!!! and I check)
  4. 45+ flawless Trials (I check)
  5. Microphone with a feedback problem
  6. Scream at your girlfriend/wife who is upset about the baby is crying while the dogs are barking and a secondary TV is playing in the background so loud you can’t understand what’s playing, but sounds like it’s in our own living room
  7. Leave the group while screaming profanities after causing the first wipe
  8. “BRB. Food” after first encounter while you make your character run in circles to prevent an AFK kick and take 60+ minutes to come back since you left to go get something two towns over
  9. Explain an encounter strategy in almost unintelligible English while basically swallowing your mic to ensure it’s over modulated and then refuse to explain it again while insulting everyone else in perfect English then leave
  10. Take a bong rip every 2 minutes during encounters and then cough so loud no can one hear the call outs
  11. Talk to people on your stream with an open mic to the raid encounter confusing all of us as to what is going on and then make fun of us with your subscribers as we get upset at you
  12. Between encounters, take your wireless headset with you into the bathroom and give birth to a massive chocolate mud baby…please, please, please be sure to make lots of noise and do not wash your hands – if we hear running water besides the flush you will be kicked
  13. HAVE FUN!!!!!

By the way, I am fireteam leader and have never done a raid before on any game. I’ll need you to Sherpa me. I do NOT have a microphone. We will run it five to six times for gear. Thanks! NO NOOBS!

Originally posted by me on /r/destiny2

Commander’s Journal – Metro (BF4)

Russian Side

January 16th, 2020
I am happy to have been joined to the task force in France in charge of finally taking the metro station away from the American swine. Fighting in this area has been happening for years, but with a true commander now on site, I know things will change in our favor.

The pathetic Americans have been trapped inside the rotting infrastructure for much too long now and I am sure their moral is crashing. They have only two areas of control left, and I shall rip that from their clutches!

On the day of victory, I shall open up the pallet of vodka I had brought in secretly and my comrades shall drink until we pass out!
 
 
January 19th, 2020
I have arrived at the metro station and am shocked at the destruction. Most of the buildings have been reduced to near ruble and the metro station itself is in shambles. The men, however, are all in high spirits. Their upper position has granted them a remarkable advantage in this fight. From the ungodly high pile of dead enemy soldiers lining the hallways and alleyway, they are doing very well, indeed.

As is tradition, my men have all acquired nicknames and so I address them as such. Squad C’s leader, IGetStfDunn (as he likes to be referred to by), greeted me and began to introduce me to everyone. While he seemed a strong leader, the rest were just your average soldier who was lucky to get the position. When I asked about the incompetency of the other squads, he shrugged and simply stated, “They were the best at drinking vodka.” Nothing new or interesting there.

It was, however, when I became introduced to FunkyMonkey493 I saw a sight to truly behold. He had light brown hair, periwinkle eyes that would light up the room, a strapping jaw which could cut through concrete, a toned upper body which just would make you feel safe because of his strong arms and you’d just want to stay there forever…. Sorry, I find myself rambling at times.
 
 
January 21st, 2020
The fighting is always intense. I make sure to provide drone support to my men. My men mean everything to me. They are my men, after all. Watching them fight gets me so hard…up for battle.

Speaking of drones…how they have been managing to penetrate the deep concrete of the metro to show my men where the enemy is is truly astonishing. Hehe…penetrate…hehe…my men.
 
 
January 27th, 2020
I have been getting to know FunkyMonkey493 much better. Did you know he likes chocolates, killing the enemy, walks on the beach, and vodka? Well, you do now! He’s great. I watch him running about and laughing with my men, especially in the shower. Should a squad leader die, I will promote him to being my top man…or at least to the top of a squad.
 
 
February 2nd, 2020
For the life of me, I can’t figure out why we have engineers and snipers here. All of the fighting has been taking place inside the metro station. The enemy has also taken to the habit of riding the elevators up and down while firing rockets. It’s hilarious! Most of the time they don’t hit any thing except a wall and my gunners chop them to pieces in a matter of seconds. Even though the snipers seem useless, it’s rather entertaining to see them line the elevators with C4 and blow up the enemy as they get inside of it. Crazy thing, them elevators…no matter how much explosive ordinance is placed and detonated inside, they always function. I guess the French got SOMETHING right.

Know who else likes to go up and down it turns out? Yes, that is right: FunkyMonkey493. He has the most excellent trick where he pretends to have a snake bite and…well, I’m rambling again.
 
 
February 11th, 2020
I’m going to ask FunkyMonkey493 to be my Valentine!
 
 
February 14th, 2020
♥FunkeyMonkey493 + Commander = 4 EVR♥ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
February 15th, 2020
I had given the opportunity for FunkyMonkey493 to be a permanent member upon my staff. Of course he said yes.
 
 
February 20th, 2020
I suppose I have been neglecting my other duties, as the enemy has overrun us. How and why is beyond me, but then again, I did stop paying attention to the fighting and focused all my attention on FunkyMonkey493.

As I write this in a prisoner lock-up, I am counting down the time until my conjugal visit promised to me by the Americans. At least they recognize love when they see it, so it’s not all that bad.

Until my next entry, dasvidaniya, comrades!

♥♥FunkeyMonkey493♥♥


Send in your other suggestions and we’ll keep this going.

Black and White 3 Beta review


Not long ago I, along with about two thousand other gamers, were invited by Lionhead Studios to try out their beta for Black and White 3: Of Gods and Devils! Finally, it’s coming!!! It’s been an ungodly (see what I did there?) amount of time since Black and White 2 and we’ve been wanting it. Here are my first impressions thus far.

I’m only allowed to post up my thoughts and opinions due to the non-disclosure agreements. Sorry, I don’t have screen shots nor video footage to show you. Don’t want to get not get beta keys in the future, after all.


SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
OS – Windows XP/7/8 (Service pack 7.2 or higher)
Processor – Intel i5 (compatible with iMac) or higher
Memory – 4 GB SD DDR3 Ram or higher
Hard Drive – 46.2 GB of available space
Disk Drive – Blue Ray (PC 5 disk CD-ROM version also available in USA)
Video Card – NVidia GeForce GTX 645 or higher
Sound Card – DirectX 10.9.6.0 or compatible
DirectX – Version 12.6 c
Input – Keyboard, Mouse, Vibrator (special third party attachment)

FIRST IMPRESSIONS
The first part of the game is no different from that of the original two games. However, when you enter into your realm, instead of a huge hand, you’re a strange, big figure wearing a red dress. I don’t know what the fuck Lionhead Studios was thinking adding that in… It doesn’t make me feel godly at all!

After showing up to your people, you instantly hear them bitching and moaning about all kinds of things they really don’t need. Yeah, I know that you play a God and all, but these people do nothing to help themselves. Of course, this is just a gimmick in order to show off all the new stuff in the game. These include fast food, welfare, war and the “baby daddy clinic” where you send off all the little sluts who get knocked up! Places such as the “baby daddy clinic” and the welfare are selected using the “Minority Build” in the toolbar. This is a good thing, since you will have to put into play your “Race Card”. Yes, that’s right, you get to make your own collections of people. Either have them fight it out or live in harmony.

The name of the game is to take towns, feed your people, listen to them bitch, or just generally kill them off. After all, if you kill everyone off, you can just create more people. You ARE a god, after all. That is the best addition to the game thus far.

Story
Well the story is nothing short of plain and simple. You’re a god. Piss people off, or make them love you. There are a few new and great things in the game, as I may of mentioned already.

Game Play
This time around, you must get new followers. It’s simple: take towns! I mean…seriously…thats it! Oh, you do eventually get a creature that just tries to eat and hump on everything. You can choose from a dog, a cow, a monkey or what I refer to as “Obama” (donkey).

Quick Tip: Don’t choose Obama! He’s dumber then any of the other creatures. Seriously, he’s mostly worthless for everything. If you’re interested in hearing a lot of chatter, then go ahead and choose him. Still, he says a lot of bullshit, but doesn’t really do anything he says he will. It is entertaining to hear him blame everyone else for messing up, though.

Oh yeah! How could I almost forget about your “Conscience”? I have to admit, it’s a great addition to the system. The “bad guy” is a fat, red, little demon with massive, and I do mean massive, nipples. He’s freaking HILARIOUS! The “good guy” is kind of a slow talking, mumbling creature with wings who keeps referring to you as, “God, dude.” I cannot confirm it, but I swear he’s voiced by Pablo Francisco, since he will repeatedly say something and follow it up with, “Boo boo!” and sounds like Droopy. After the first five or so cut-scenes involving these guys, you’ll just love to smack around the “good guy” and hump him until the until knows you’re the alpha dog!

Graphics
Alright if you like Command and Conquer type games. Everything takes place in this 3D world, but when you leave the mouse sitting, it defaults to this awkward 3/4 overhead view…

The graphics themselves are really strange. So far people have tried everything from realistic looking to “manga” style. This game introduces what can only be described as paper mache style. The animation at first looks choppy because of this, but truth be told, I think it’s just strangely done on purpose. If you’ve ever seen 1985 stop motion animation called The Adventures of Mark Twain you’ll understand what I mean about it.

Sound
The sound is pretty interesting since the graphics don’t really seem to be state of the art. I guess Lionhead spent ALL their money in the music. It is extremely awesome!

No, seriously, I mean it will literally blow you out of your seat and give you a BJ! The sounds are too good for words. Its almost like you’re sitting in a THX movie theatre instead of right in front of your PS4!

Final Thoughts
If you like pissing people off and just generally wrecking or dancing around as, what I assume was, Bill Clinton in a dress, then this game’s for you. Perfect for the atheist and liberal, but terrible if you have a mind of your own.

New Professional Mortal Kombat 9 Tournament Rules

Mortal Kombat 9, while a gem of a game and incredibly fun, has some base issues which needed to be addressed in order to make it truly tournament ready.  Well, the professionals and basement professionals have spoken, so we now have a full and all inclusive set of rules for all of people who play Mortal Kombat 9 in a tournament as professionals!  With these rules in play, we can expect a fair and balanced game mechanic in play.

Get used to seeing that face!1. All players must play as only Sonya Blade.
– This makes everyone on the field equal in terms of tier.  By only allowing one character to played during the entire tournament, no player can claim their character lost because the other player is using someone who is just simply too over powered.
 
 
2. Added level on Enhancement Bar due to first hit to be disabled.
– Just because you were lucky enough to get the first hit in does not mean you should have a further advantage against the other player.  You should rely on your skill as a player to get more advantages in a fair setting and not a game breaking mechanic.
 
 
3. Enhanced Moves are banned.
– Moves which are given a bonus and enhanced beyond their original intended use is a crutch.  Your skill should be enough to be sufficient.  Extending the damage through Sonya Blade’s leg grab is cheap and uncalled for.
 
 
4. All X-Ray moves are banned.
– X-Ray moves are the biggest crutches and true professionals don’t need to rely on them.  If you are losing, then you are losing because you weren’t good enough to beat the other player without it.  A true professional is good enough to come back on their own without a broken game play mechanic.  True professionals will agree with this rule.
 
 
5. All “spamming” is banned.
– Any player caught doing an action more than once in a row against a competitor will immediately be docked half of a win.  Players must rely on skill instead of exploiting the weakness of another player to avoid damage to a specific move.  True professionals do not need to repeatedly perform the same move in order to get a win against a player who does not know how to counter the action.
 
 
Winners don't do specials!6. All Special Moves are to be banned.
– Special moves are capable of being spammed, and therefore, are to be banned.  Professional players do not need to rely on filling dead space by using long ranged special attacks.  Since this is to be a fair and balanced fight, players are to do so like civilized people and not with the use of cheap tactics such as throwing energy rings.
 
 
7. All Combos are banned.
– Along with the disabling of special moves and spam, combos are banned.  Most combos require multiple button presses hit repeatedly, and this is a cousin to spam.  Hitting a player more than one time is considered spam and a combo.  Professionals are expected to defeat their opponent in a fair and balanced manner.  This also prevents exploitable move sets within Sonya Blade’s programming.  Players cannot claim they were defeated due to cheap tactics and over powered game play.  In addition to this, all throws as banned since they hit more than once and are unblockable.
 
 
8. All Time Limits are to be disabled.
– You are expected to defeat your opponent by reducing their health to zero.  This was obviously the way the game was meant to be played, and therefore, all competitors are required to do so.  Matches are expected to last tens of minutes to over a day, so please plan your meal and bathroom breaks accordingly.
 
 
9. All Sound will be turned off.
– Tournament players must be allowed to concentrate.  Inappropriate sound cues from other competitors playing can inadvertently distract players during their match and, therefore, must be muted.  All cellphones, pagers, and other devices must be silenced during the tournament as well.  In direct connection to this rule, please play close attention to rule 10.
 
 
10. All Trash Talk and Conversations are banned.
– If you are as good as you think you are, then you must prove it in game and not in a childish manner before, after, or during any of the matches.  If a player is caught trash talking to or about another player on tournament grounds, they will be docked a full win.  Any none player attending the tournament is also not allowed to trash talk or praise another player.  This includes not only the competition area, but the bathrooms, dining areas, and immediate area of the tournament, including the parking lots.  Clapping during or after any fights is prohibited!  Additionally, any conversations in the competition area is prohibited!
 
 
Too much going on here11. Only The Pit (Night) will be selected without effects.
– Professionals can easily be distracted by shaking effects, flying objects, and foreground objects.  The Pit (Night) provides the least amount of distractions to players so there will be no complaints of losing because a hit did not connect in relation to anything going on with screen effects nor in-game objects.
 
 
12. Fatalities are banned.
– Fatalities are rude and disgraceful to your opponent. At the in-game announcement of “Finish Him!”, both player are expected to very quietly and politely remove themselves from the designated are for competitors.  Any other action, including “Stance Dancing” is prohibited and will result in a dock of half of a win for the offending player.  Professionals do not need to attempt to alienate their competition.
 
 
13. No Net Code Fixes.
– Knowing many professionals tested their abilities online during a very buggy time in Mortal Kombat 9, we will be providing no net code fixes.  Even though this is an offline tournament, the simple knowledge of a stable net code is enough to distract professionals, which leads to severe anxiety.  This is unacceptable, as we do not expect professional football players to compete under the same set of stressful circumstances. (Thank you to TH3_SYN on the GameFAQs.com message boards for bringing this to our attention.)

Thank you all for reviewing the newest official global set of Mortal Kombat 9 Tournament Rules.  We are looking forward to seeing you all at the “No Special Move/Enhanced Move/Jumping/Throwing/Dashing/Hyper Move /Ken/Ryu/Sagat Super Street Fighter 4” Tournament!

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Posted 6/10/2011 at 4:10 PM on Xanga