How People are Finding my Entries Part 2 (s)(t)

So, quite some time ago I wrote about how people were finding my entires. Some of them were…frightening to say the least. Again, I love people finding my writings. Really, I do. If I didn’t, I shouldn’t be writing. It’s just…for fuck’s sake, people. What is wrong with you?

Once again, here’s how people have been finding my site…lord have mercy…


kau injak, aku diam kau gauli, aku diam kau rampas, aku masih diam kau hancurkan sampai ulu hati, hanya ada geming tersisa when u destroy me, u kill yourself in the first place.
What the shit? I have no idea what the hell any of this is supposed to be. When I ran the search in Google, my writings didn’t even come up. It has to do with some scare tactic bullshit, worse than the Weather Channel, claiming video games are telling your children to kill themselves. They aren’t. I am, though.

how to be professional in mortal kombat
Nothing on my site is going to tell you how to actually do this. However, this makes sense because of my fake entry New Professional Mortal Kombat 9 Tournament Rules


it’s already valentine’s day and i dont know what to get myself yet

How about cyanide and a nice cold drink, you loser? Seriously, wtf? Now you’re supposed to get yourself something for Valentine’s Day? Please tell me this isn’t something actually happening!


strangle

No, really, that’s all they searched for and found me. I have no idea why…


sieg fuck

*blink blink* Uhm…okay, sure thing there, buddy. I went ten pages deep in the searches in Google and never came up with my site. I have no idea how deep I’m buried. I can only imagine this is some how in reference to my Psychology Is Junk Science article. That…or someone is REALLY into Nazi porn.


do guys like donkey punching?

Are they asking because they want to know if it’s something they should be used to, something to expect, or something they want to try? My mind is going a mile a minute trying to comprehend this one. I mean, the answer is YES to all of those, but I like to know the finer details such as, “Do you mind if it’s an all knuckles punch?”


how to fuck your employer

Usually just bringing it up in conversation works. You can always just start off slowly with a casual date and feel it out. If that doesn’t work, a brick to the back of the head works. If it’s a guy, the brick still works if you hit them hard enough to ensure an priapism.


redmist entj kickass

What? That illustrated novel and so-so movie? What?


red hair bitch backside

Just the backside? If so, then what does the red hair have to do with it? I know I’m on the internet and there are some really specific fetishes out there, but this one is oddly specific and not in a fun way. Just a…that’s boring kind of way.


sorry i only post about my daughter

…go on… ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


ziggy grover gay fanfiction

Okay, so I wrote a few fake really bad fan fiction about Power Rangers, which I’m probably going to conclude with one more entry, but in no way was the Ziggy Grover character I had in the stories gay. Besides that, why the fuck? This person was looking for this unironically I guarantee it.


brittany blue preggo

Why?


xy.hot.4minat.videos

I’m not on the deep nor the dark web, you morons. Though, I seriously doubt whoever this was either heard about it and thought that’s how you type it in without using an onion router or…they’re just that far too stupid. I’m going with the latter, unfortunately.


how to tell your employer to fuck off and let me shit

Personally? I’d take them out to a nice lunch. You know, one with candles and Italian food. I’d stroke their hand, laugh at their jokes, and bring it up as part of a natural flow in the conversation. On the other hand, you could always just do it like you stated the search query.


fuckdoll faggot makeup

0_o


boss forcly fucking his employer

Again, you people have some really specific fetishes. I’m sure there’s plenty of clearnet porn out there with this. What it has to do with me? I don’t know exactly, though. Good lord…


hitler south park fags

This…this was something someone looked up in their spare time. I’m picturing this dumb ass sitting there expecting some great revelation only to find them saying things on the show and being so mad they masturbate to pictures of their own anus for hours.


love guru how to press a girl boobs when we meet

If I may? I’d start with “Hello”.


stop bullying, your giving a shit!

Is this like “taking the piss”, but far, far more stupid a phrase? That’s cultural appropriation, and that’s wrong. It’s not, but…whatever.


“wolfman” “douche nozzle”

Again, why is this a thing being looked for? I’m not even going to bother trying to find out where I fall in the search results. You can do it yourselves.


telepathic cat siggy creepypasta

How…why…I don’t even…


employer boss come at dinner to his employer and fucking to.is wifevidos

This can’t get any stranger…


soda show webcam????????????? no no no … not me :3 she sexy more than me :d

I can’t do this anymore…I’m fucking done…


Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go scrub my eyes and brain with Drain-O….fuck….

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If I see another person “dabbing” I’m breaking their testicles

Dabbing. It’s short for “I’m a fucking idiot”. I honestly don’t know how this whole thing got started and I’m not going to waste my time researching it. Why? Because I don’t give a damn how it started, but I’ll tell you how it is going to end: Me breaking their balls.

Not too long ago I finally managed to take a much needed vacation for almost a week. My wife and I spent four days and three nights at Disneyland. It was bad ass. However, I’m not here to talk about the trip in general. Why am I bringing it up? Have patience, little one, for a good story needs a good foundation and build up. Not everything can be handed to you snowflakes.

We had just enjoyed a nice trip through the tour in California Adventure with the sourdough when we decided to get a few pictures by the boardwalk themed section next to where you haul ass on California Screamin’. Blocking our way to taking the picture I wanted of my wife were urchins. Of course, by urchins I mean children. By children, I mean two 12 or 13 year old skeletons covered with skin who do nothing to aid in the progress of the species. The supposed mother of one of these bags of nothingness is encouraging their behavior of taking pointless pictures while blocking everyone’s paths up until one of them says he’s got “a great idea” for photo. What’s his great idea to hold us up with the greatest picture ever? It’s run over to the fake fishing net photo spot, kneel down, bounce up and do a dabbing pose. Yeah, because everyone can fucking see what you did by looking at a still photo, moron.

I wish I was kidding here. The woman took the picture THREE TIMES before they decided it would just be easier if he did the pose and held it while she took the picture. Just so you’re keeping count, two 12/13 year old boys and one woman in her 30’s is the brain power it took to figure this god damn shit out. I responded like any rational man: I grabbed her camera, toss him off the edge of the photo area and took his picture as he fell towards the track and was run over. I then headbutt the mother five times while simultaneously chopping the other one in the throat with the help of my wife who held him by the neck until he lost consciousness. After Security Guard Goofy informed us that was not acceptable and had us escorted out by Oswald Rabbit back into Disneyland, I realized I may have overreacted just a touch.

What I vow to do now is control myself and simply break the testicles of anyone stupid enough to be doing this. I’ve had critical success as of late with the technique as well. Anytime I’m in a club and I see someone doing this, it’s always some moron who thinks they are cool. Bam! One swift shot to the man eggs is all it takes to send a message I, and no one else, is going to put up with this bullshit.

Let’s face it, dabbing is the homosexual bastard with downs syndrome step-child no one actually loves of Tebowing. While Tebowing required a punch to the face, this more dramatic cure is required for something as stupid as dabbing. Putting your arms into a pose like you have cerebral palsy while simultaneously looking like you’re sniffing your own armpit is a sure fire way to signal you deserve what’s coming you way. BAM! Kick to the balls!

Remember, I could be anywhere. Do you really want to risk this? I didn’t think so. Even if I don’t, I’m sure I’ve encouraged someone, or maybe even an entire neighborhood, to just start dick kicking people they see dabbing. The cause is true. The cause is noble. The cause is everywhere. BAM! TESTICLE EXPLOSION!

This could be you. I will make it you. Don’t dab. The more you know!

Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts in 2016

It was that magical time of year again, and that means it’s time to highlight some problems. On Christmas morning and maybe even on morning of presents for Hanukkah, someone is going to be unlucky enough to have gotten one of these gifts. Just like every year, W.A.T.C.H. is hell bent on ruining Christmas morning like a Muslim in a gay nightclub. While they do highlight some issues with toys, W.A.T.C.H. always misses the worst of the worst and instead focuses on toys targeted at boys and girls simply for being “gender specific”. Here are the actual Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts in 2016 which were given.


My Very Own Alibi1. My Very Own Alibi
This toy line is said to have been inspired by the film franchise known as Home Alone, in which a rich white child goes on a killing spree of his neighbors while getting off completely free in protest of being left alone while his family goes out shopping. Pictured is the “Roller Puncture Derby” a la carte version of the toy. Others include the mouse trap with tack and shotgun shell and hand grenade on a sstring, the second best seller. Were do we really begin with this?

First off, the knife isn’t sharp as it needs to be in order to put someone down quickly. Some people might find this as a feature, but we find it to be a minus point to an otherwise ingenious product. Secondly, the skate is very rusty, but the knife is not. We’d give it points for adding tetanus with a dull knife, but since the rust is on the skate and note the blade, this is another minus point. Lastly, there is no ramp with My Very Own Alibi, but the packaging (not shown) clearly shows it flying off a ramp.

Kids have a great imagination, and this is just lazy. The toy has nothing to put together and basically just does one thing: Roll slowly and barely stab someone. Children are going to end up just throwing the toy, which defeats the purpose of what it is trying to accomplish. Stay away and if you get this as a present, get a gift receipt.


Pogoff To Space2. Pogoff Stick: To Space
Claims from the manufacturer:

Feeling XtReMe?! Want to KiSs the SkY?! Well now you can! After three successful pumps to prime the engines, the rockets will kick in and put you close enough to kiss the pilots of MH370 as they fly by on their infinite voyage around the world in space!

Aside from the tasteless reference to the fated Malaysia Flight MH370, there’s also a slightly veiled reference for drugs. Jimmie Hendrix used the term “kiss the sky” for getting intoxicated with drugs.

Even though almost any kid, and many adults, would love to ride on a rocket propelled pogo stick, the fact is, pogo sticks are dangerous. Ever get hit in the chin while riding on one? How about landing at an angle and falling or bouncing into a bush/tree? Imagine that at 147 MPH/236.574 KPH? Yeah, that’s going to leave one bad bump on your head and a pretty bad headache. I think we can all do without this. We don’t want another “Heat Seeking Lawn Darts” fiasco during a picnic, now do we?


My First Lynching Rope3. My First Lynching Rope: The Game
My First Lynching Rope: The Game is a choking hazard in disguise as a harmless family game. If you think The Game of Life is destined to kill your little ones who eat the cars or peg-people, then you’re not worried enough. This game is enough to kill every member of the family, especially any adopted black ones.

The game revolves around getting enough people on your posse in order to lynch the person next to you. Everyone takes turns rolling dice and taking cards while moving around a board. Think of this like Mouse Trap, except you’re the mouse, the noose is the trap, and your neck is the end game. If you can’t play your card fast enough, or have a good enough one, it’s lights out.

What the manufacturer didn’t count on is most of your homes aren’t equipped to have this hang high enough, so you’ll end up either wrapping it around each others necks and pulling, or using something like a door you’ll hope is strong enough to hold up old fat Grannie Christine. There just isn’t enough through going into this game and it shows. Pass this up.


Jihad Jerry4. Jihad Jerry
I mean…wow… This is the follow up the the Ibraheem Toys’ 2014 break out gift My First Jihad. While not directly marketed as an infidel holiday gift, they sure like to time it that way. The packaging is grotesque and 100% real.

Packaging claims it’s “Everything you’ll need to end the Jewish and Christian infidels of their lives!” It contains a child’s Qu’Ran, prayer mat, 4lbs of active dynamite, mask and robe, remote detonation backup device, and a map to local Jewish temples.

The interior booklet claims:

As your children grow and learn, they’ll want to up the destructive force for the glory of Allah. Use this as a great follow up to your My First Jihad toy kit. Praise be to Allah! DEATH TO ALL INFIDELS!

Who are they kidding? The previous kit is almost a 100% death sentence to both your child and their entire day care, so there is no “…grow and learn…” involved. We are talking about Islam, after all. Also, much of the dynamite in the packaging is pretty old and very volatile, meaning there’s a good chance it’ll explode before you put it in a vest and go to school the following day to show off your toy. Pass.


Coke Head Charlene5. Friday Night: Coke Head Charlene
At least your kids are leaning a valuable lesson here: Cocaine is a party and designer drug. Unlike the Medicate Me: Molly! doll from 2014, this doll knows how to “Fuck It Up”, as the box says. This is almost a buy.

What makes this almost a buy? It comes with real cocaine! However, it only comes with 1 gram and a very small straw the doll can use. There are no refills available from the manufacturers, either. This means to get the fix the doll needs to continue being fun you’ll have to go into bad areas or convince the local pharmacist to give you some. You know, for your “nose injury”. Good luck with that. Cocaine is also very expensive, especially for twice cut Colombian. That shit is awesome.

If necessary, a supplemental toy for this one would be the Barbie Spy Squad Cat Burglar Doll which will help your precious angel break into houses and steal her friend’s stash!


Well, there you have another five toys W.A.T.C.H. didn’t care enough to warn you about. We warn you about them, because we care for you. Wrap you child in cling wrap all over their head and paint over it so they never see the horrors of the world. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!

Foodie Review – TGI Friday’s Ghost Pepper Wings (s) (t)

Before I really get into this review, let me introduce a new title modifier, the “(t)”! After talking to someone in person who reads my blog, I was told it was extremely difficult to tell when something on here is true. I can understand that. I’m a massively sarcastic asshole, so it can be difficult to tell when something is both true and serious. So, the “(t)” modifier tells you it’s true. The “(s)” still means it’s serious, which I figured covered true as well, but I guess it doesn’t have to include it.

Yes, this entry is both serious and true. I’m not writing satire. How I feel about these wings is true.

A quick history:
Growing up in Southern California allowed me to exposed to a lot of good cuisine. I was also able to sample a lot of different spices. I’m not shitting you when I say I’ve eaten some moronically hot stuff. When I would go into the garment district of L.A, my family and I would buy chorizo breakfast burritos so hot they would burn your eyes just walking up to the roach coach. Sure the Mexicans would laugh at us as we’d sweat and snot, but damn they were good! I eat both raw and cooked jalapenos like candy. I once had a teaspoon of hot sauce put directly into my mouth which was so hot you had to sign a waiver to buy it and it was required to be in glass to keep it from eating through the plastic. Yes, really. It literally ate a hole through the paper plate. It hurt and I will probably never eat it again. I regularly eat habanero hot wings, though I don’t shovel them into my mouth. Several of my friends can testify to watching me eating wasabi straight off of chop sticks with no problem. One friend can even testify to seeing me do that with the REAL wasabi you get in Japan which costs 100$ a pound.

I don’t seek out and devour hot stuff, but I like to be tested. I was hoping to be tested this day. I was not. My list goes from “no heat” (for example Del Taco’s Inferno sauce) to “fucking hot” (like a habanero). Before anyone says it, I’m not claiming to be a chili head nor someone who has a tough mouth.

In the same vain, it’s interesting to note CS gas doesn’t affect me, but pepper spray does. If it gets in my eyes anyway.


TGI Friday’s has brought back the changeable all you can eat appetizer awesomeness. It’s fucking amazing. Those pot stickers, baby…those pot stickers. Eat more than two plates and its paid for itself. The whole thing is one of the best deals they’ve ever done.

I was excited to see they added new items, even if most of them I’m not interested in. It’s good stuff, don’t get me wrong, as the bites I took from my wife’s plate were delicious, just not something I’d get for myself. While trying to decided what we’d order next for ourselves, I picked up the table topper and noticed the flavors of wings listed. My eyes lit up, my soul began to sing, and I pointed out they had ghost pepper wings!

My wife also got excited. Not because she was going to have any since anything hotter than a few splashes of red pepper makes her cry, but because she knew I could eat pretty hot food and wanted to see me do it. Yes, we’re strange, and that’s one of the reasons the marriage works. Sorry fan-girls. Please don’t commit suicide over this.

When the waitress asked what we wanted to put in for the next round of appetizers, I excitedly told her I wanted those ghost pepper wings. Now, in my mind I was expecting something mouth hurting. You know, somewhere between the Blazin flavor at BWW and a habanero sauce. Because, well, ghost peppers are very much hotter than a habenero and I consider those to be fucking hot at 100,000 to 350,000 Scoville.

When the ghost pepper wings arrived on the table, the smell stung my nose and my eyes a little. On top of these blood red wings covered in sauce were some jalapenos. As a joke I told my wife they were there to seem like they weren’t hot and were palette cleansers. Picking one up on a fork, I was excited. Taking a deep wiff my nose cleared and my eyes actually burned a very little bit.

Smiling, I took a bite and…meh. Now, don’t get me wrong, the flavor of these things is AMAZING. They are DELICIOUS. They are not, however, hot. I’d put them around my medium. I was very disappointed with the heat level.

Honestly, these need to be hotter. My wife believes they were toned down due to legal reasons, but I believe they aren’t really ghost pepper infused. See, the reason for this is because of the jalapenos on it. I think these are definitely hotter than their traditional wings, and they aren’t vinegary in the least, which I loved.

So, yes, they are very delicious and I would order them again any time, but if you’re looking for something hot, don’t look here. I know I’m in the minority with how hot I can eat (I’ve also eaten Thai chilis straight and claimed they were in my hot range for sure), but these just made me sad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to be crapping fire later…just not the blood I was expecting.

Should you get them? If you want to say you ate ghost chili wings and pretend you’re awesome to those who haven’t had them, do it. If you like hot food and want something with flavor, go for it without hesitation. My wife thought they were hot and coughed on them, but she sweats eating a chili rellano (poblano chilis are what they use) sometimes and those are only rated at 2000 Scoville.

Good food. Disappointing heat.

The Golden Age is Gone!

Fear. Panic. Annoyance. Death. Acceptance. Well, okay, maybe acceptance before death, but not always. Not always. As we all have been made aware, The Golden Age has officially come to an end as reported by our council of elders in their watch towers (AKA skyscraper business complexes in various states).

I am here for all of you in this trying time, so don’t worry. As a matter of fact, I am going to assist us in these trying times by offering the soothing voice which will guide many through the darkness in the coming days. Even with The Golden Age at a finish there is a silver lining. That is to say, the Silver Age, with a small “the”, is now here.

Silver, unlike gold, isn’t as pure nor as nice. Gold can do all kinds of things which silver cannot. This is going to be the worst thing for the Silver Age. You see, second place is generally a silver medal. Since second place is the first to lose then silver is the first to suck. Granted, the coming the Silver Age won’t suck as hard as the bronze Age, so there is that.

What can you expect in this the Silver Age? For one thing, you can be sure everything which came before will have been better: Movies, videogames, music, dancing, and food. None of this is going to be as good as The Golden Age, so brace yourself for that. Food will taste less delicious because everything considered “bad”, which gives it flavor, will be removed, leaving a bland, yet more healthy, food item. Movies will be less entertaining and nothing except remakes of great movies in the past without any of the understanding as to why the original was good to begin with. Music will be nothing more than disconnected sounds of cars slamming into each other while a modem screams a connection in the background. Dancing will simply be running around naked while doing the helicopter as dirt is poured from the ceiling, since soap suds has already been done. Videogames will be nothing more than fifteen minute adventures, which will require you to purchase the ability to continue playing after each three minutes for what will eventually become 2.5x what you ORIGINALLY bought the game for and you will also have to pay a monthly subscription fee on top of it as the game designers snort coke of high dollar hookers’ asses while never addressing game play nor hacking issues until it costs them money from said hackers.

the Silver Age may seem bleak, but it’s not going to be all bad. We will be smarter than those who are born during this time. As they grow older, they are moving toward the bronze Age and as such will have less and less common sense than those of us around right now. Eventually, sure, they will be in power, but the vast majority of them will be so mangled from their own stupidity, we will have a nice decline in population, also meaning we will be more beautiful than they are. Not to mention we will always be able to out exercise them due to their obesity and sedentary life style well into our 90’s.

We know Times are Changing simply for the sake of change, but I think we can do this. Allow me to be your guide, your guru, your guy who holds all your money because you can’t be trusted with it. You know this is true. Please, no checks. Cash only.

Together, we can do anything, because of me.

Thank you for choosing Blue Raven Séance

Dear customer,

Thank you very much for your interest in my séance services. I know in the competitive market for contacting the spirit world, you have a lot of choices, and you have chosen to use Blue Raven Séance! Through your diligent research, you have seen I am the best choice for you and understand we have a psychic pairing already.

Before you sign on with me as your séance provider, there are a list of rules we must go over. Do not worry, as this is all standard procedure and helps to eliminate some questions you may already have. I appreciate you taking the time to go over these, and look forward to hearing from you once you are finished.


1. At least three people must attend
Three people are required to summon the spirits in order for us to speak with them. You know the saying “Two’s a company and three’s a crowd”? Well, maybe for a date, but during a séance that saying is malarkey. You see, three people help with the psychic vibrations spirits use to find their way to us. Two people, one of which is the psychic, just isn’t strong enough to get their attention.
 
 
2. Have an idea who you would like to talk to
You wouldn’t just start dialing random numbers when you want to speak to Pizza Hut, would you? No, of course not! If you don’t have an idea who you would like to talk to, we’re just dialing randomly and could end up with a really nasty fellow on the other line. It’s like ringing the line of someone who is not only getting into the shower at the time, but are also ready to bone down on a real hottie. It’s just rude and dangerous, since the spirits can “trace the call” into your living room.
 
 
3. Have each guest write down a few questions and submit them to me
It’s just nice to have an idea on what you’d like me to focus the conversation on with the spirits. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to use this in order to do research and get things staged… You believe me, right? Of course you do. I’m psychic after all!
 
 
4. Respect the circle
This includes your other guests, the spirits, and most importantly: ME! You will not speak out of turn and you will not get up and move around. This makes sure the only thing you hear is what I want you to hear. What I mean, of course, is the spirits and what not…yeah…
 
 
5. No video or audio taping
Look, this is a séance and not an amateur sex tape, okay? Respect the privacy of the spirits and don’t record this in anyway. You won’t be allowed to have cell phones, since an active cell phone is known to be very dangerous to ghosts. I’m not kidding! Getting a text message or phone call when a ghost is in the area is just like killing them all over again. Spirits do not like to come back as the spirit of a spirit. It makes things very complicated when they get sorted through on the way back to the after life.
 
 
6. Candles…lots and lots of candles
I’m talking a metric ass load (which is the professional term) of candles. I will need so many candles your neighbors will call the fire department because they think the place is completely engulfed with flames on the inside. Don’t use candles which are for aroma therapy. You’ll want to smell what the ghosts are cooking.
 
 
7. I will not speak to animals
I’m sad to even feel the need to include this, but after an encounter with a lady’s dead cat, this is a must. Did I say cat? I mean bangle fucking tiger! Yeah, no shit! This lady calls me over to her place to speak to “Mr. Cuddle Butt”, her dead “cat”, and was willing to pay me an ungodly amount of money, so I was all like, “Hell yeah!” Well, when I get there and do the séance, I was able to make contact. Rather, it made contact with my scrotum with a nailed claw. Never…ever…again!
 
 
8. Time of the séance is extremely important
Unlike most Hollywood troupes, the time of the séance really is extremely important. From 11:30PM until 02:30AM is the time to do this. As such, I will require many accommodations made so I can prepare when I reach your home around 02:00PM. These are highlighted below.
 
 
9. Accommodation requirements
Since I will need time to set up, you will be providing me with a room to sleep in and all meals. If you don’t give this to me things won’t go well during the séance. I’m not in to Taco Bell or Domino’s Pizza. No, you will provide me with either mid-quality dining such as Chili’s or TGI Friday’s, or you will make for me a grand homemade dinner. However, if the person making the homemade meal is not a good cook, don’t bother! Look, I’ll even take going to a buffet such as Golden Corral. It better be a nice Golden Corral, though.

I’m also going to need full access to a complete gym. If your idea of a gym is a few free weights, a treadmill, and maybe a yoga ball, you need to get a membership to a better gym.
 
 
10. No children under the age of 13
Look, kids suck and they fuck everything up. Okay? Good.
 
 
11. I have no liability if things go wrong
I’m not going to lie… A séance is really dangerous. I’m serious! A few houses have been sucked in to another plain of existence all together during a séance. There’s also the risk of possession, mass murder, and a lifetime of being haunted by evil spirits. Don’t even get me started on how the pathway can remain open and how your home can be flooded with demons or even your soul being like fly paper in which they stick to you until you die, dragging you to limbo. So, yeah, no, I’m not responsible for any of that. This is your choice to do this. Understood?
 
 
12. Consultation and Deposit required up front
Because this is considered a consultation, you need to pay me $45 right now for all of this. Also, you’ll have to give me the initial deposit of…I don’t know…let’s say $250 right now. None of this is refundable. Thanks!


Those are my general rules for using my services. I’m sure we’ll have a great working relationship.

Sincerely,

Blue Raven

Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts 2014

Every year the Boston Group releases their Top Ten Most Dangerous Toys. While the Boston Group is hell bent on ruining people’s childhood like a drunk step-father who is noticing his new 12 year old step-daughter entering puberty, this year their toy list isn’t as complete as it could be. For some reason, while the Boston Group has listed fun and harmless items, they intentionally and negligently ignored the toys I’m listing here.


1. Slashy Ruxpin
According to the manufacturer, Slashy Ruxpin is the failed adventuring Teddy Ruxpin after children stopped caring. Each story starts off with him either finding a dead body in his car, drinking in a bar, finishing sex with a hooker, or waking up after a weekend of drug use.

This new toy is being marketed as the “next great story telling plush animal and a unique interactive experience”. What make Slashy Ruxpin so interactive? Well, apparently as he tells the story, you must fuel him with alcohol or else he gets violent and starts to swing his knife. The truth is, he will get violent and swing with his knife randomly during each story session anyway.

Personally, no matter how much I’m told this toy is safe by the manufacturer, I’m not going to believe it. Sure, it says you are safe to insert the knife tip into your bare anus seventeen times for that alone, but is it really true? I seriously doubt it. Also, lighting him on fire when he screams for you to end his life is supposed to make him run around the house in a frenzy. How is that okay?!


2. HammerTime Harry
Coming from the box: “HammerTime Harry is the coolest, most depressed guy you know! When he’s not dancing to beatbox hits, he’s fanning the hammer on his favorite pistol in minority neighborhoods.” Included in the packaging is the “action figure” itself, two outfits (one for dancing and the other for mandatory court appearances) and a live fire gun, which shoots real bullets.

Where do I even start with this? First off, it’s teaching kids its okay to just saunter into minority neighborhoods. That right there is a dangerous lesson. Just like minorities should stay out of the well-to-do neighborhoods, the rest of us should stay out of their HUD controlled crack dens. Secondly, I’m pretty sure that’s designed to look like a striker fired gun, so there is no hammer to speak of. Kids already don’t know enough about guns, so leave it to the professionals to teach them, not some plastic doll. Thirdly, the gun shoots .22lr rounds, which are still pretty hard to find. Think finding a D-cell battery is difficult? Try finding .22lr in vast quantities.

Does a person with depression really warrant an “action figure”? You’d think more people would be up in arms over this kind of thing, but I guess not. This is why I do these consumer reports, because unlike the media, I actually care about you all.


3. Un-Nerf Flamethrower
If there was ever a toy I used to want, it would be this. However, now that I am older, I see this thing for what it is: A lawsuit waiting to happen.

Don’t be confused with the name of this toy! This isn’t made by Nerf. Nope. The title is to trick you into believing you’re getting something safe and secure. The Boston Group listed a toy bow which shoots a plastic arrow, but they ignored this? What the hell is wrong with them? I, for one, don’t need a bunch of kids running around the neighborhood burninating everything they come across. I shutter to think of the “flame tag” games which will undoubtedly turn entire metropolitan areas into ash!


4. My First Suicide Kit
This “toy” says it contains everything you’ll need to remove yourself from this mortal coil. Now, I don’t know about you, but should kids really be using this kind of product? Sure it contains cyanide tablets, a sharp knife, a noose, and even a .38Spl loaded with low pressure rounds plus a light weight trigger, but suicide is serious business. It’s not a game. A game means there is room for failure, and when you’re going for suicide you have to get it right the first time. You don’t want to fail at something like suicide!

Even more than the seriousness of this “toy” in the hands of your child, think how dangerous this would be for your child will discover it at a friend’s house. Do you really want them going into this kind of thing unprepared? They may think it’s a game! What happens if their friend decides to test it out on your precious little baby? Yeah, the Boston Group messed up big time when they over looked this literal death trap. This is a bigger oversight on their part since they forgot to include the Official Baby Death Trap!!!!


5. Medicate Me! Molly
Medicate Me! Molly is here to teach your darling daughter how to and the importance of self medicating. Don’t confuse this with Puking Pauline (learn about that one, here) as this toy is actually dangerous for your child.

Just about every popular upper and downer medication since the 1950’s makes its presence here: Valium, imipramine, venalfaxine, ketamine, K2/spice, adderall and oxycodone are all there. Similar to real life, the pills themselves aren’t marked as to what they are, but that’s not what the dangerous and dumb part of this toy is, oh no. You see, when Medicate Me! Molly vomits, one of those pills expels from her mouth for your child to eat. The only way to know which pill came out is to eat it. The manufacturer exclaims there are a total of 24 “colored treats” for your daughter to “enjoy”.

Self medicating is a real issue in this country, as well as many others, so to find a toy company trying to cash in on the trend is disgusting. Okay, yeah, sure, the fact an unlicensed toy company is providing prescription only level narcotics to children is an issue, too. Making each pill a colorful treat is unprofessional. Kids could confuse candy such as Skittles with a quick narcotic bump, only to be disappointed and become more violent. A kid who needs their high is a kid you need to avoid, especially if they have one of those HammerTime Harry toys!


Well, there you have five toys the Boston Group didn’t include. I have no idea why. Maybe they just don’t care as much as they say they do. I think they just want kids to grow up wrapped up in bubble wrap and go after the toy companies who have the deepest wallets. Fuck off guys, seriously.