Gambit Prime – Quick Reference Guide! (s)(t)

I wrote up how I love Gambit Prime, even as a solo player, and I still do. However, people don’t seem to understand the simple mechanics. Yes, simple mechanics are at play in Gambit Prime. It’s also really easy to recognize who wants to do what. I am keeping this all positive, too! Please keep in mind this is not an in depth guide.

So, I’m here to write up some SGA on how to quickly and easily identify people (it may be a little more difficult for color blind people as I don’t know if any setting in Destiny 2 to make it easier) who have decided to dedicate themselves to a specific role and why you should just let them do it, as well as how a general “how to play” the role.

Oh, and do keep in mind…if you aren’t pulling your weight, someone else might step up and take over one of these roles from you.


Invader

  • Has armor with red highlights and is generally black or very dark overall

  • Can have a red aura above their head

  • Generally provides long range support to Reaper and Collector while provide close support for Sentry
    -This means they will be camping near the portal, often on high ground

  • Should be rapidly killing ads during the opening round before first invasion portal and providing fire support between invasion phases

  • Assist in killing invaders with Sentry between invasion phases

  • Kill as many opposing guardians as possible

  • Harass opposing team as much as possible

  • Given priority on heavy weapon ammo*
    CONSTANTLY invading, healing the primeval, and being a massive pain in the ass in general

*Sentry and Invader are both about as important having heavy ammo during the normal phases. Once it gets down to killing the primeval, Reaper takes priority followed by Invader

Invaders are awesome when you have a good one. Having a bad Invader or having no one being an Invader is bad. It’s also extremely bad to want “your turn” Invading. If you have a dedicated Invader, and they’re constantly getting kills when they Invade, BACK THE FU** OFF! Do not race them to the invasion portal. Do not decide “Well, they’re still running to the portal which just opened, so I’ll invade!” LET THE INVADER INVADE!!!

A great Invader will be able to stall the enemy team long enough for you to get your own primeval up and a chance to win. This isn’t like the original Gambit where you just need to invade no matter what. Great Invaders know when to time an Invasion and maximize the harassment of the enemy team.

General “How To Play As”
If you want to be an Invader, learn the timing and rhythm of invasions by watching the enemy bar at the top. Lots of white (not empty) bar and you guys just dropped two to four blockers? GET IN THERE AND KILL!!!! Not only are you able to slow down the enemy team from killing off the blockers, you’re draining their bank and they’re distracted enough for you to get some quick kills. Has the enemy called up their primeval? Well, get in there ASAP and stall them from killing envoys. Then what you need to do is start timing your invasions to their damage phase and make them waste that time. Most people don’t understand you can jump out of the well and keep the buff for several seconds, so it’s a great time to take down EVERYONE at once.

You’ll probably have the LEAST amount of motes deposited. Any hate you get over this means whoever is complaining is an moron who doesn’t understand the role and importance of an Invader. Just ignore them. They’re so special they’re considered a “protected class” of people.

Weapon Choice
Long range weapons are your best friend. I’ve seen some really successful Invaders use sniper rifles. I’ve seen really successful Invaders use Hammerhead as well. I personally don’t use Hammerhead in Gambit Prime, but to each their own. I personally like using a 180RPM scout rifle like Distant Relation (Explosive Payload+Outlaw). A “You Are Satan” choice is The Colony, as you can lob the rounds across the map and they will rush the enemy team before they know what is going on, as most people do not expect it. Pair it with a burst weapon like Bygones (Kill Clip+Outlaw is great) for closer range combat and you have a beautiful setup for being hateful. I’ve seen Jotunn used, but I find the tracking to be inconsistent.

Class Choice
What class makes the best Invader? I’d have to say it’s Warlocks with Nova Bomb setup followed by Hunters using either Golden Gun or Blade Barrage. Using a Nightstalker with Spectral Blades isn’t a bad idea and using Orpheus Rig can be dire to a team standing in a well. I have personally never seen a successful Invader who was a Titan.

Not going to lie here: Invader is my favorite role to play. I average 17 guardian kills per Gambit Prime match and I’ve caused several timeouts in which we’ve won and at least two “Draws” resulting in another round. Yes, I’m a Hunter main since D1.


Sentry

  • Has armor with yellow highlights and is usually more brown all over

  • Can have a yellow aura over their head

  • Generally provides close support to the bank and the people depositing while working with the Invader as a long range suppressor
    This means they will be down on the ground where the blockers come in

  • Kills as many Blockers and Invaders as possible
    -Being a general pain in the ass to the enemy and breaking their fantasy of quick, easy kills

  • Makes sure Invader doesn’t have a chance to go after the entire team

  • Given priority on heavy weapon ammo*

*Sentry and Invader are both about as important having heavy ammo during the normal phases. Once it gets down to killing the primeval, Reaper takes priority followed by Invader

Sentry players are the unsung heroes of Gambit Prime. The role can be boring, but the importance of a great Sentry cannot be stressed enough. It’s an extremely thankless job most players don’t consider or take for granted. Without a dedicated Sentry, you’re going to bleed motes constantly and you’re always going to have a bad time clearing blockers, when you could be banking and collecting. Let’s not forget that a Sentry with the right setup can actually SHOW(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)where the Invader is to THE ENTIRE TEAM! Yeah, you read that right, the moment a Sentry with the right gear rating hits an Invader, the entire team knows where the Invader is!

General “How To Play As”
You’re going to be hanging out at the bank most of the match. Not all of, just most of it. You need to pay attention to the bar at the top and calculate when you need to bust your butt back to the Bank in order to start clearing Blockers. Any time you hear the bell, act like Pavlov’s dog and run back to the bank. PERIOD. You need to make sure those blockers are gone ASAP. The second role you’re playing is Invader killer. You are responsible for knowing when and where that Invader is coming from and marking them. Marking them does require a high enough Sentry ranking, but that’s easily achieved with four pieces of +2 and using a Sentry Mote. The moment you hit the Invader, your entire team can now see where they are. You’ll generally have more motes banked than a Invader, so once again ignore any mentally challenged person who complains that you “didn’t bank enough motes compared to me”.

Weapon Selection
Right now for elemental: SOLAR. PERIOD! Why? Because Medium Blockers all have solar shields and you need to drop them as fast as possible. You’re gonna want a weapon you can use up close and personal, such as a shotgun with solar, and a medium/long range weapon. Assault rifles are fine as long as they are 600RPM and slower, otherwise you won’t do enough damage to the shields and enemy fast enough. I prefer Right Side of Wrong (Outlaw+Rampage/Kill Clip) as a pulse rifle, since you can do quick damage with a 4 round burst and it is great for use against invaders, even at distance. Jotunn is a pretty decent choice here as well, but when used against an Invader, as I’ve said, I find the tracking to be inconsistent. Any heavy will do, as long as you can rock a lot of ammo with it. You’re one of the heavy dealers of damage to the primeval, after all, behind a Reaper.

Class Selection
I know it’s cliche, but Titans make the best Sentry followed by Warlocks. Warlocks can use the Nova Bomb spam to really clear off the area and harass an Invader, and I have seen amazing work by bubble Titans who manage to mark the enemy and clear off the Blockers with ease. Hands down Hunters are the worst Sentry, as their supers do not have enough oomph to get the job done, even with Blade Barrage and Golden Gun. You’d think having a Nightstalker would make up the difference, but unless your team rushes in to help you, you cannot clean up fast enough as Hunter. Trust me. I know.


Reaper

  • Has armor with green highlights and is generally black overall or very dark

  • Can have a green aura over their head

  • Will be with or just ahead of the Collector murdering everything

  • Will be up the NPC enemy butthole and shooting their way out at every chance they get

  • Seeks out powerful enemies to take down as fast as possible
    -This can mean leaving the Collector in order to hunt a High Value Target

  • Cleans up any motes left behind by the Collector

  • Assists the Sentry, when possible, to clear Blockers

  • Given priority on heavy weapon ammo*

*Sentry and Invader are both about as important having heavy ammo during the normal phases. Once it gets down to killing the primeval, Reaper takes priority followed by Invader

Reapers are animals who enjoy killing everything. Everything. Did I mention how they kill everything? Think the definition of a ninja from that Real Ultimate Power website. Reapers are going to be your primary DPS for all the enemies on the field and the primeval. Playing a reaper is pretty fun! It’s more than just “killing things”, it’s about being as efficient as possible and as fast as possible. A great reaper can make getting your primeval summoned extremely fast.

General “How To Play”
You are the number one DPS machine on your team. You’re going to want the highest power level possible and the highest resilience/recovery as possible since you’re going to be up the back side of everything which moves in the game. The moment you hear there’s a high value target on the field, you need to find it ASAP. PERIOD. You’re going to make sure your Collector has the chance to pick up as many motes as fast a possible, and you’re going to make sure you collect anything they can’t, as well as get your other teammates motes to collect. Being a Reaper is all about F.A.S.T: Find – Annihilate – Sh** On Their Corpse – Take It To The Bank. (The original “T” was “Tea Bag”, but after you sh** on a corpse it’s probably not a good idea)

Weapon Selection
Anything which has a high DPS. Stay away from high rate of fire auto rifles (720RPM…600 is alright, but the slower firing provides more bang for your buck). I love Breakneck for being a Reaper. Thorn is great. If you have Maleficence, bless your heart and get to work! Just make sure you have a back up for regular enemies. Your heavy weapon needs to be something you can load up with ammo and has heavy destructive power. It’s a toss up here…while you can run something like Thunderlord or Hammerhead to clear ads fast, it won’t do much good against the bosses. It’s up to you: Faster ad clear with heavy or harder hitting single target for primeval. Personally, I’d stay with heavy hitting single target weapons to burn down that primeval.

User GilgameshP46 on reddit brought up a good point about swords: They’re fast and you can stun lock a primeval, allowing your team to really hammer them down like crazy.

Class Selection
ANY! The good news is, any class makes a great Reaper. Warlocks take top spot followed by Hunters and trailed in third by Titans. Warlocks can take out a large group of enemies fast with their supers and Hunters have some multi-target supers as well. Both have great supers to take on the primeval. Titans, sadly, just don’t have the supers to deal with a group on their own, but have a pretty nice natural resilience to their advantage, and a punch Titan or OEM wearing bastard can make life miserable for the NPCs.


Collector

  • Has armor with white highlights and usually brown over all

  • Can have a white aura over their head

  • Will be running with the Reaper for most of the match and hardly ever alone

  • Will be collecting as many motes can fit in their pockets, mouth, and any other open hole as possible as fast as possible

  • Secondary DPS to the Reaper for clearing ads, but not necessarily the primeval

  • Assists Reaper, when possible, in killing High Value Targets

  • Leaves no motes behind as much as possible

  • Hides when an Invader comes in and doesn’t engage directly if at all possible

  • Least priority for heavy ammo*

*Sentry and Invader are both about as important having heavy ammo during the normal phases. Once it gets down to killing the primeval, Reaper takes priority followed by Invader

Collectors are your vanilla bean flavors. This means while everyone is expected to collect motes at certain times, your Collector is just plain better at it. A great Collector grabs as many motes as fast as possible, never letting any go to waste, and is pounding that bank with high level blockers. It is everyone else’s job to pay attention to the Collector in order to have the most efficient Blockers sent to the enemy team and drain those motes!

General “How To Play”
You need to be fast. You need to be efficient. You need to be aware at all times. You are the #1 target of the enemy Invader. They are coming for you specifically. If you like sweaty, scary, fast paced action, then you need to be a Collector. Any and every mote goes in your pockets. A Collector with the right setup can drop a mini-primeval style Blocker on the enemy team, and it’s more than a little annoying to take down. You need to know when an Invader is coming and plan accordingly. You need to know when there are Blockers and when there will be Invaders. You are going to be hunted like a little rabbit and you need to be storing motes as fast as possible at all costs. Watch where the NPC enemies are at all times and where the damage is coming from. Do not be losing motes! This is one of the sweatiest roles to fill and can be a lot of fun. Mobility and resilience are extremely important. When you hear the Drift say it’s time for a primeval, then you need to get to the bank right away. PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weapon Selection
You need weapons which allow you to move fast, and do enough damage quickly to burn down ads. Submachine guns are great for this, and so are fast firing pulse rifles, such as Bygones (which is great for defending yourself against an Invader who manged to get too close). Shotguns are another option for you. Heavy weapons are going to be anything allowing you to take down a cluster of enemies fast, such as a rocket launcher with cluster bombs or machine guns. These will also help make an Invader think twice from getting up on you.

Class Selection
ANY! Any class makes a great collector. As long as you are fast and you have a situational awareness better than a ham sandwich, you’ll be fine.


Well, there you have it! A nice little guide on how to identify people who are taking on a specific role, what that role details, and a quick, easy to swallow taste of how to play each role. There are always much more detailed tactics, but that isn’t what this was about. Get out there, Guardians, and “cook that primeval! Drifter’s hungry!”

How To: Youtube Gaming Channel!


Youtube Gaming Channel

Over the years YouTube has gone from being a place to illegally upload full episodes of TV shows broken into five minute segments, to webcams of fat idiots demanding moronic changes in society, to softcore jailbait porn, to people’s jobs thanks to profit sharing. Money is king and YouTube is like a duke or duchess, or something, and now you can make all kinds of money if you have the know how by making videos.

If you want to get into this profitable business, you need the skills to make a video, get likes and subscribers. This is easier said than done, but that’s where your soft lap Uncle Sunrie comes in. Come on over and sit on my lap as I slowly rub your back and give you the tools necessary to succeed! Just don’t tell anyone. This’ll be our secret, okay?

Unlike some of my other How To Guides, this is a complete lesson. Obviously this is free of charge, just like the others.

As always, links will open in a separate window. Before you read on, here’s an example on how it all should look:


Video on YouTube. SMASH THOSE LIKES!


Purpose of this Guide
For this guide, we’re going to focus on making a specific type of successful channel on YouTube: Gaming.

There are many types of gaming channels on YouTube. These channels consist of the following types:

  • Let’s Play
  • Prediction
  • Funny/Fail Moment Montages
  • Stunt Montages
  • Impressions
  • Strategies
  • Review

Because there is a lot of cross over with each style, no matter what you do, you’re going to want the format shown in this guide.
 
 
Profit sharing and sponsors
Before you actually begin, make sure you turn on the profit sharing option in your YouTube account. This will ensure you not only get money based on clicks, views, subscriptions, and likes, you’ll also have an ad on your movie before it actually plays.

These ads will be anywhere between 15 seconds (and unable to be skipped) to four minutes or longer (able to be skipped after 15 seconds). This is how you’re getting paid, and the longer the ads in front of your movie, the more you’ll make. You’re going to be so popular, it won’t matter how long the ad is to your video, since people will be falling all over your genitals just because you uploaded something. Trust me, they’ll wait and they’ll like it!

Sadly, though, YouTube has changed they way they’ve done profit sharing and the amount has come down quite a bit. Don’t worry, you can always get sponsors. When you do, they’ll require you to have a certain content rating for your videos. That’s just life of a profit sharing, money making, YouTube artist like yourself, though.

For your sponsors, make sure you not only put in at least a picture of one of their products, if not another short video, explaining who they are, what they do, what’s being sold, and any special discounts the viewer will get by adding coupon codes to their purchase on the sponsor’s website. These short ads should be at least thirty seconds long, and up to 1.5 minutes.
 
 
Have a badass animated opening
You need to capture people attention, and the absolute best way to do that is to have a long, killer animated opening sequence. How do you? Follow the advice below! Make sure this happens AFTER all ads and sponsor information, though.

Special Effects
Don’t chince on the special effects. This should have more over production than a Michael Bay movie! Lens flare, flashing colors, animated words, and pounding music. For extra credit, make sure something in the opening sequence pulses in time with the music playing.

Music
Use something either everyone or no one has ever heard of. Forget if you have permission to use the song on your profit sharing channel or not, this is the Internet and you don’t need permission, right?

The type of music you use should be something ear pounding and/or extremely annoying. Use the absolute most over modulated, poorly optimized dubstep you can find. Alternatively, use scream metal. An example of that is Schatten Aus Der Alexander Welt. Drive home the point you’re extreme and awesome!
 
 
Content
Now it’s time to start some kind of content, but not the actual promised content itself. No, you have to beg first, since everyone loves a person begging before the content of the video actually starts.

An astrix marks something which is optional.

Showing yourself*
This is totally optional. Face reveals are sometimes good, but it doesn’t matter. If you’re going to show yourself, though, there are a few rules to follow to ensure you’re going to do it correctly.

Lots of empty white space behind you
You don’t want to have a nice backdrop and you don’t want to be zoomed in too close to yourself. Make sure your head takes up about half the screen width and almost the entire height, but leave a little so your skull isn’t cut off. Remember, the less going on behind you, the more focused people are on you.

Huge ass microphone*
Nothing says you’re a serious speaker like having a microphone the size of something from the 1920’s Radio Music Hall with a wind screen bigger than your face.

Headphone microphone*
If you don’t have a huge ass microphone, make sure you’re doing the responsible thing and using a microphone on your headsets. keep it extremely close to your mouth so every breath you take is recorded and every word is over buzzed when excited.

Huge headphones
Just like having a big mic, make sure when you’re showing yourself, you have massive headphones on. Why would you have headphones one? Who the hell cares! What’s important is you have them on, showing you’re serious about recording!

Huge ass smile and bouncing around
Whenever you’re showing your face, make sure you bounce around a lot and always have a grin on your face like you just screwed someone’s daughter while her parents were in the living room and you were both in the bathroom.

Sitting still means you’re bored and if you’re bored, people will see you as boring. Always sway back and forth, make spastic movments (a la Avril Lavigne’s video Hello Kitty). So, pretty much move like Michael J. Fox without his medication while starring as the creepy little girl from The Ring.

Messy hair, unshaven – Overweight*
Nothing says “ARTIST!” like seeming as if you don’t give a fuck about how you look. Make sure your hair isn’t done up, you have a five o’clock (or later) shadow, you’re over 25 and you aren’t really that skinny. Oh, and wear “Dad” clothing even if you aren’t a parent.

Punk inspired hair done neatly, shaven, nice clothing – Skinny*
If you aren’t any of the previous, do it right and make sure you’re auditioning for a modern day Beatles band membership. You want to be super clean cut, with a somewhat hipster style hairdo, and wear clothing from places such as American Eagle. Try to look even younger than you are, and be “oh so cool”.

Begging and delaying
Before any other content aside from your ads, sponsor information, and intro begins, it’s time to now beg. What will you be begging for? Check out below!

Thank people for watching
Start off by thanking people for watching, even though they haven’t watched anything of value yet. This lulls them into a false sense of safety, promise of content, and makes them feel welcome.

Subscribers
You’ll want to instantly go into asking for people to subscribe to your channel. Promise them content, based on likes (more detail below) and subscribes. Talk about how many you currently have and then reference how many you want to have. Tell them how it only takes a moment of their time while they’re watching. I mean, hey, they aren’t actually watching anything yet and so it should be no big deal to scroll down and hit that subscribe button.

Reference your last video
Talk about how well the last video did and thank people for liking it. Reference the link in your description and in your video on how to view it. If you want more likes on it, then tell people to go to it and click that like button.

Now let’s talk about those “likes”.

Likes
Talk about how many likes your last video had and how you want more likes on that video, and the desire to beat the last video with likes on this video.

Promise people if they like this video with X amount of likes, then you’ll upload another video. Beg people to “mash/smash/trash/hammer/etc” that like button in order to drive the likes up to the desired level.

Sharing
Now’s the time to start telling people to share your channel and/or video with other people in order to get even more subscribers and likes. Tell them to share it with everyone they know and have them tell anyone they share the video with to not only like it, but subscribe to the channel as well.

Get them to go onto other channels and link to your videos. You’re going to be doing this yourself as well, but it never hurts to have all your subscribers bomb other videos in order to drive more traffic to your channel, which results in more likes and subscribes.

Talking
You’ll need to do a lot of talking. There is a proper and improper way of doing this to make your channel popular.

Mispronounce common words
When you talk, make sure you say common words incorrectly. The more common and basic a word, the more you have to screw up with how you say it. For example, instead of saying “word” start saying “worb”.

If it’s something to do with a game, such as a proper name, no matter how many times the in-game voice actors say the name, use the wrong pronunciation. Who cares if the creators and original dialect don’t say it the way you do. Fuck them. For example, say “Die ah bLow’ instead of “Dee Awb low” when talking about the series Diablo. Or even the now common, “Bet ah field” instead of “Battle Field” for the Battlefield series.

The more you screw up what you’re saying the better.

Have an accent which is an insult to your region*
This is most important for anyone who is from England. People like a British accent, but even if your version of the accent is the spawn of Satan himself, make sure you talk over everything. The worst you sound, the better for these videos.

If you’re a kid, talk extremely fast with your high pitched voice*
Just like the British accent, the one thing people can’t get enough is a squeaker. There are bonus points here for being a squeaker and having a such a terrible accent you’re almost unintelligible.

Talk over absolutely 100% of the video
As the video plays, you’re going to want to talk over 100% of it. Doesn’t matter if the audio is important or anything like that, just keep talking and don’t stop.

Remember, if you’re doing a Funny/Fail Montage, the video isn’t what people want to see and laugh about, it’s your endless commentary on the subject matter. Don’t let the video stand on its own, because it can’t. You’re funny, not the funny moment.

Ramble on before getting to what’s going on*
You’ll want to ramble on about random things, like someone making you banana bread. Don’t actually talk about the video right away. That cuts down on your video time and that is stupid.

Get distracted by in-game content*
If you’re talking about something in the game or even if you’re doing a montage of some kind, you’ll want to be distracted by things going on in the game, which has nothing to do with what your video is about.

For instance, if you’re talking about a glitch in Skyrim, just randomly start screaming at the NPC’s who are walking by and saying scripting comments. Don’t just focus on what you’re doing, go out of your way to add extra things! People will see this as an added value and not a detraction or annoyance in anyway.

The Clip
The clip or clips you’re showing shouldn’t be any longer than 35 to 45 seconds for actual content. The longer you spend doing everything else, the shorter the content should actually need to be.

For instance, if you’re talking about how to upgrade a skill in Grand Theft Auto: Online, the clip showing how to do it should take about five minutes, when the explanation is actually only about 15 seconds. This is all helped to be stretched out because of what was discussed in “Talking”, so you shouldn’t have an issue at this point.

If you are doing just a quick clip, make sure it’s very quick. Your introduction and ads should be longer than the actual video you want to show.
 
 
Outtro
The outtro is just as important as your intro. If you don’t get this right, you’re going to lose potential subscribers.

Act like it was the best video ever
You must keep up the excitement so people will want to watch more from you. Say something like, “Wow, wasn’t that freaking amazing?!” Then go onto the rest.

Thank people again
Don’t forget to thank your views once again for watching the video. If you don’t, they won’t feel loved after the quick video they just watched and will have forgotten you already thanked them.

Begging
Once again, beg and delay the credits. Remind them to subscribe, like, and comment once again. Don’t forget to tell them to send it out to all their friends and link to the video in other people’s videos.

Credits
These should be a single, static frame which lasts for all of five seconds before the end of the video. There should be no music and no voice over, either.
 
 
Promoting
You need to get your channel out there. Don’t leave it all up to your subscribers, whom you begged, to do it for you. Get out there on every other gaming channel and promote the hell out of your channel. Tell them how you make better ones or ones just as funny and link to yourself. Take it to Twitter and Facebook as well.

Do this three, four, ten times a day on each and every channel on as many of their videos as you can! It’s not spam if it’s content!


Well, there you have it! This comprehensive guide is your gateway to YouTube fame. The success or failure of using this guide is up to you. Follow it, and you’ll go places, kid. You’ll go places. Places I tell you. Places.

The Writing Process: A Sunrie Guide

The Writing Process
A Sunrie Guide

 
The writing process can be a long, tedious, or even scary experience if you aren’t prepared for it. Many people find they wish they could write, but end up with severe writer’s block, or worse yet, they simply don’t have the talent. Fear not! For with this guide, Sunrie shall teach you how to write like a pro! Before you know it, you’ll be writing so much you won’t know how you ever got any work done.
 
 
1. Get Relaxed
The most important thing you can do for yourself as a writer is be relaxed. There’s nothing worse than being tense when sitting down to put your deep thoughts, as shallow as they may be, down on paper. Make sure you have a comfortable chair and either music which will stimulate those creative juices or absolute quiet, whichever you prefer. If you just can’t seem to get relaxed, step 2 just may help with that.
 
 
2. Get Wasted and/or Masturbate
Get yourself some booze and rub one out. Doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, just rub one out. Whatever kind of alcohol you want is what you’ll be using. I don’t care if it’s beer or tequila, just start downing the stuff. Hell, you can even rub one out while drinking for all I care.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “But, Sunrie…does alcohol really help with the writing process?”. The answer is, “Duh!” Ever drunk text someone or had someone drunk text you? Exactly. You get all kinds of ideas and write all kinds of shit when you’re wasted. It’s not going to matter if things are typed out all crazy right now. You can fix all of that later.
 
 
3. Get an Idea
If you’re having to write something demanded by a teacher, you shouldn’t be having issues with this as it is. After all, you know what you’re supposed to write about, then why aren’t you writing? Well…if you’re like me, you hate being told what to write and end up with brain lock on the subject. However, that is what the copious amounts of booze and masturbation is for.

You don’t need an idea to start off with thanks to step 2 if you don’t already have a topic given to you. Now that you’re good and wasted, or even sexually satisfied, it’s time to think of an idea. If you’re drunk, this comes pretty easy, but if you just got done spanking yourself, it may be a little more difficult. I can’t help give you ideas, but I can tell you what not to write about:

1. Zombies
2. A Writing Guide
3. Midgets
4. Liberal Propaganda
5. What You Had to Eat
6. The Fact You Just Fucked Yourself

Now, that’s not a full and complete list, obviously, but it’s a start of what you should be avoiding. Moving on!
 
 
4. Putting It All Down
This shouldn’t be difficult at this point, especially if you’re wasted. Just start typing what comes to mind. You’re going to edit this all later, so it’s all good in the hood.

Just start writing what comes to your head. Fuck all the need for correct grammar, structure, chronology, or even punctuation. If you don’t spill your thoughts down on paper now while you can still remember them, you’re going be screwed. Hell, if this is a critical paper you must write for a class, you might end up having to spew your brains out all over the walls. Wait…what am I saying…most of you “writers” out there aren’t armed…

Remember, you aren’t actually a pro, you’re just going to be writing like you were one, and all the greats write this way. Do you really think Tom Clancy or Stephen King don’t sit down with a glass of alcohol and just start writing? Seriously, if you do, then you’ve obviously never read any of their books. Tom Clancy’s writings are about as predictably paced and standardized as you can ever imagine and Stephen King’s writings can only come from someone wasted off their ass. Though, to be fair to Stephen King, he was using some awesome psychedelic drugs when he first started, but has cut back to hard booze, and his newer writings show.
 
 
5. Fix and Edit
Okay, you did it! You managed to spew all your thoughts onto the page and have completed what you wanted. At this point, you can either leave it, as I suggest, or you can go ahead and edit everything around to make more sense. The choice is yours.
 
 
Congratulations! Now all you need to do is repeat the process for each time you want or need to write. Get out there, next superstar of writing!


Posted 1/7/2013 at 4:16 AM on Xanga

Love advice from Love Guru Sunrie

Do you have love problems?  Do you have problems finding love?  Do you have problems just trying to understand how to do things?  Well, fear not!  For Guru Sunrie shall assist you in your love’s labour’s lost!  Unlike others out on the Internet, I am not charging you a single fraction of currency for this type of help.  I do this as a service of love and not a service of profit.

Not long ago I requested everyone on Xanga and on several other sites to send me their love problems so that I may help them.  I have finally been able to compile the answers to the most serious of all the questions.  Worry not, readers, for I have changed the names of all who submitted their problems.  Without further adieu, let’s begin!


Craig’s List Love
From: Wanky Panky
Help me out!

I’m a huge pervert, and so under pseduonyms, I posted ways to contact me for like minded people. I get a message from a guy, saying that his ex is a nympho. Loves sex. She has a boyfriend, but still fools around with him. She just can’t get enough. Heres the problem:  She tells him he should get guys from the internet for her. Turns out, I’m the first guy that he messaged, that is in the area, and isn’t a creep. She looks great, (great pics!) and they’d like to set up a meeting, (In a public place) where we all get to know each other. If things go well, and she likes me, I get to have lots of perverted sex with her.

So, should I go along with it? Or do you think its just a gay guy? Or are they going to rob me? (I have nothing to lose, except my pride.) Please, please, help me Dr. Sunrie.

Reply:
I thought you said they were looking for someone who wasn’t a creep?  Sounds pretty creepy to me. But, hey, I’ve been told that a guy spanking a Pikachu doll while drunk and naked shouldn’t judge.

I’d say send a friend in your place and watch from a distance.  That way, if they are looking to cut off his balls instead of letting him have sex with her, you can just pretend it’s a reality sex show…and you keep your balls.  If he does get some, then you can join in next time!


Milk Maid Love
From: Nonny
I met a girl at milk bar, but she looked at me like I was an idiot for coming to a bar that serves milk. So I followed her outside, we talked, and then we became girl friend and boy friend…

2 months later…We are still dating but she is acting as if I am not around.  What’s wrong?

Reply:
You’re obviously spending too much time with her.  Start ignoring her and go out with your friends instead.  Then, when she asks why you aren’t spending any time with her, simply let her know that you lost interest after trying to get her attention.  That or just screw her bestfriend/sister.  That’ll teach her.


Friend Zone
From:
Lovey Dovey Girl
i need some help this guy likes me & he keep’s flritng w/ me but he is going out w/ my friend & i told her wt he was doing but she just lafe at me & said “thats a good 1” but she did tell him to stop w/e he was doing………..i like him to & he’s cute & he just called me becaues she broke up w/ him 4 that but he only does it w/ me she said……so i dont no wt to do because he will proble ask me out tomarro! PLEZ HELP!

Reply:
Well, all you have to do is call him and say you’re naked when he gets there.  If he shows up, you know he likes you.  If he doesn’t…well he’s gay.


Dumping Ground
From: Junebug
A boy dumped me, and now is saying things that make it seem like he thinks we’re dating. How do I inform him that we aren’t dating, and haven’t been since he dumped me, without causing massive drama?

Reply:
Stop having sex with him.  That pretty much puts a complete stop to everything.  Don’t pretend you aren’t still screwing, either.


Harry and his Hendersons
From:
Not a Metro
I have been dating this girl for about 6 months now and we have a wonderful relationship. But she doesnt like that Im all hairy, she wants me to shave my back, chest, and…. well you know. Im not a fag, and I like being a manly man, but she wont have sex with me until I do. What should I do?

Reply:
I’m going to have to side with her on this one.  No one wants to sleep with a bear no matter what the supposed lesson of “Girl Sleeps with Beasts 3” porn wanted to teach you.

However, I’m not so sure you should be going shaving your junk.  I mean, that’s a mark of pride right there.  She should be rather proud of your man-mane.  Also, there’s little more painful than knicking the ‘ole alien brain, if you know what I mean.  Look at it this way: You’ll swim faster, run faster, and even slide out of bed easier.  Just don’t remove your lion’s hair.  Don’t want to look French or anything.  Lastly, you can’t be a big manly-man without having sex; so keep that in mind!


Handcuffs are Rings, Too
From:
Wed Locked
Here’s my situation. I’m married now.  Help me!

Reply:
Oh man…I’m sorry to hear that.  My only suggestion to you is role playing.  Yes, role playing.  I’m not talking about just any RP, I’m talking true to life, live action.  When she comes in wearing her sexy little genie outfit, put on your mage’s hat and robe, then cast level three sexuality on her.  You won’t be sorry.


Wishy Washy Wuv
From:
Red Almight
I need your advice..There is this girl I like who I get along with really well..I’ve talked to her about going out..But she seems to want to change the subject..But the thing is, Her freind tells me she likes me..Please..What in gods name am I supposed to do!?

Reply:
Fuck her friend.  That’ll teach the bitch.


The Ink is Permanent
From:
Worcester Sauce
Okay. I was with a girl for nearly 4 years (I was 11 when I met her), I promised her one day I would get a tattoo of her name somewhere on my body. So, on my 15th Birthday I decided to keep to my end of the bargain and got the tattoo, high up on the top meaty part of my thigh.

Obviously most relationships end on a sour note, and ours was no exception. We split, I wanted her back badly. I nagged and nagged and eventually gave up all hope. About 2 months after my ‘giving up’ she come’s back to me and tell’s me she want’s to give it another shot, I tell her to fuck off and we fall out of friendship as well as love.

Present day, I’m 19 and I still love her dearly. I still have the tattoo (which is three letters long ‘PEP’ short for Pepita. Feel free to make the Salt on one leg and pepper on the other joke). Problem is she aint at all bothered and only thinks of me as a mate. Should I get the bad boy covered up and move on? Should I continue having meaningless drunken one night stands? Or should I ask her father to sell her to me for a bag of magic beans?

Reply:
Cover it up and move on, are you kidding me?  This is your chance to get the tail you could only beg for, my friend.  This is a sure fire way to find out if the next woman is going to be worth it.  I am talking about, of course, an exciting threesome.  If the girl thinks it’s hot or sweet that you have her name on your leg, time to start asking about her sister or her best friend joining you both in the bedroom.  Remember to send me pictures.


Dirty Deeds
From:
Honker
Sunrie! Help! My girlfriend is mad at me because I told all my friends about us doing it in the “dirty” hole…you know…the dark ally in the back…  How can I calm her down?!

Reply:
Allow me to congratulate you on hitting her in the shitter.  Easiest way is to stick a cock in her mouth.  Otherwise, just dump her.  I mean, you already punched in her backdoor, so what more could there be?


There you have it from the mouth of a true master.  Remember, whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right!


Posted 2/18/2013 at 12:34 AM Xanga

How I plan to survive the zombie apocolypse

Sure some people think about it jokingly, but do you really have a plan?  I sure as hell do, and I guarantee you that unlike the vast majority of people out there, my plan is actually going to keep me safe.  Why? Because I have enough sense to think in advance the problems there will be.  Here are a few of the points in my Zombie Apocalypse Plan.
 
 
1. Preparedness and Awareness
First off, I’m pretty well plugged in to what is going on.  I won’t be hanging out and acting like the characters in Shaun of the Dead.  No way.  Unlike them, I’m a perceptive son-of-a-bitch and will instantly know that there are zombies beginning to appear.  Yeah, kind of like a boy scout, but a man, a manly man who’s out to kick ass. A LOT of ass, actually.

The vast majority of people tend to be surprised when they see a cop on the freeway.  Why?  Because they don’t pay attention.  Nope, not me.  I’m always looking up, out, and around.  I usually spot cops and accidents WAY before everyone else comes up on them.  Yeah, I’m that guy.

Now, I’m not saying that I have a huge storage of food, water, toilet paper, or any of that kind of paranoid, pussy crap.  No!  I am mentally prepared, which is better than being regular prepared because I said so.  If you’re ready to do what it takes mentally, then you have what it takes to get shit done.  This brings me up to the next part of my plan.
 
 
2. Fit Mind and Body
<Keeanu Reeve’s voice>I know Kung Fu.</Keeanu Reeve’s voice> Well, okay, I know a few mixes of martial arts.  Hand to hand combat is essential for being able to stop a Zombie trying to eat your face at close range.

Know what else martial arts is good for?  Well, balance for one, and focus for another.  Being able to remain calm in a situation where someone or something is trying to kill you is key.  You don’t want to panic.  I won’t panic.  See, I can think at least one step ahead of the zombie, which probably isn’t thinking very much at all.

Another thing I have going for me is working out.  I do quite a bit of cardiovascular exercises and I lift weights.  I might not be huge, but I’m in better shape than most of you out there.  It’s kind of like out running a bear: I only have to run faster and longer than the person next to me.  Funny as it sounds, the movie Zombie Land had it right when he said his number one rule was cardio.  The fatties will definitely be the first to go.

Hell, think about it…would you keep chasing after an elk if it dropped a one pound hamburger with all your favorite fixings?  Well, I probably would only because I love the taste of elk meat, but I would pick up that burger on the way to do so.  If the elk is lucky enough, by the time I finish picking up the burger, I’ve lost it’s trail.  I will SO use you for that distraction, Fatty McFat Fat!

I know, I know, I know…you’re probably thinking, “Yeah, well, when someone is trying to eat your face ‘Crouching Tiger’ turns into ‘Crapping Pants’!  If you were getting eaten by a lion, you’d probably be freaking out.”  That’s true.  I’m not going to pretend otherwise.  This brings me to the other point of my plan.
 
 
3. Knowledge and Skill with Weapons
I like guns.  I own guns.  I know how to use guns effectively.  What’s the point of owning guns or running around with a gun if you can’t use it correctly?

My plan is to not only use my guns to my advantage, but use them smart.  How is that?  Well, first of all, don’t just spray and pray.  Only taking shots I know that I can make.

There are a few key notes when dealing with a zombie.  First off, they are like a human on PCP.  That is, they keep getting up and forcing themselves to move even when an arm or other limb is destroyed.  Zombies are always put down when shot in the head.  Head shots from a distance, especially with a pistol is very difficult.  Pistol shots should be reserved for extremely close quarters.

When a zombie is rushing and a pistol shot isn’t going to be a good idea, then go with the shotgun full of buck shot.  While slugs will offer more knock down power, they’re more like a rifle, meaning you have to be much more accurate.  Buck shot offers more shredding power, especially for a head shot.

For medium range, switch over to a good assault rifle.  The ability to riddle a zombie with bullets is nice and all, but you want to conserve your ammunition.  The real reason you want a good assault rifle is for crowd control.  Unlike in video games, one shotgun blast isn’t going to take down five zombies at a time.  A good AR is going to allow you to sweep a group, hopefully tagging each one close to the head or at least making them stagger.

What about a long range attack?  I WILL NOT DO IT!  What’s the point?  The zombies are going to be attracted by the noise of a battle anyway, and the worst thing I can think of is attracting more than I need to.  Why in the world would I try sniping zombies who are over two hundred yards away?  Sneaking is a much better option.

Close range combat is the biggest bitch of them all, but not the end of your life!  Remember what I said about zombies getting put down permanently when you destroy the brain?  Yep, that’s right, I’ll get a good melee weapon.

The staple of every zombie defense is the chainsaw.  However, there is one huge issue I see with using a chainsaw, and that is the noise it creates.  Also, you will run out of gas eventually.  Even if it’s powered by electricity, you aren’t in for a lot of killing, since you’re limited by your extension cord.  Not to mention the start up time.

See, I have swords…lots of swords.  I have two in particular which are made for actual combat.  I also have baseball bats.  Hell, I don’t even have to get my hands on any of those.  Anything is a good enough weapon if you’re thinking, which I know how to do, obviously.

Rock on the ground?  Pick it up and bash some skulls!  Is there a construction site nearby?  Well, grab yourself some wooden planks, hammers, wrenches, what have you and you’re set.  I think about this, which is why I’m going to survive.

Oh, and going back to that crowd thing…let me bring up my next point on how I plan to survive the coming Zombie Apocalypse.
 
 
4. Steer clear of the crowds
You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Run to the mall!” or even “Get to the gun store!”, but more than likely, “Get out of town!”

That is exactly why ~I~ am going to survive the Zombie Apocalypse and you are going to die!

I’m not saying to be a hermit.  Absolutely not.  What I’m saying is to be smart about things.  I understand that while the world is being eaten around everyone, they are going to panic.  When people panic, people get stupid, when people get stupid, they think less than they already do.  What will end up happening is everyone getting on the roads at  the same time.  One man’s traffic jam is a zombie’s buffet.  I also know how to ride a motorcycle both on and off road, which will aid me in maneuvering around everyone else.

Thanks to zombie films, people will want to rush over to the mall.  Doing so will be a fatal flaw in many people’s plans.  Since people are going to be rushing there, they will undoubtedly leave doors open, break open windows, and crowd together for a nice meal-in-a-box.  It’ll be the restaurant of zombie choice.  So, no thank you!

I had brought up how I will have some firearms with me in the previous part of my plan. Well, you’re stupid for thinking that you’re going to rush over to a gun store and just take some guns.  People who sell guns generally like guns, own guns, and know how to use guns.  They aren’t going to let you take their life line from them!  I sure as hell wouldn’t.  More than likely, you’ll have your face shot off before you even make it to the front door.  Besides, even if you do make it to the front door, what makes you think they’ll just let you in?

My plan is to know where my safer locations are and give it a few if I get caught up in the shit of it.  Once things start to calm down a little bit, I can move around much more safely and freely.  I’m not stupid enough to go up into the high country towns for some mountain living, either.  Nope, I’m good enough to survive in some of the deeper mines and caves in this state.  After getting a few essentials at some sport shops, I’ll be all hooked up.  Oh, and don’t confuse me with someone stupid enough to cook out in the open where the zombies can see the smoke and smell the food.
 
 
5. Final Survival Length
Well, I’d give myself until they all starved to death, except for one huge issue.  As one of my buddies once stated, he gives me a year before I remember that the H1Z3 virus is a sexually transmitted disease, and I catch it.

I mean, you’d eventually hit that ass to the right, too…right?

 
 


Obama: “They aren’t zombies, they are enemy eaters!”


Posted 4/27/2010 at 3:25 PM on Xanga

How To Troll: A Sunrie Guide

Yes, trolling. It’s an art. There’s a fine line between trolling, being a complete waste of bandwidth, and just looking like the pathetic moron that you are. However, do not fret, my friends! For with “Sunrie’s Guide to Trolling” you will multiple ways of being an effective Internet troll. This lesson, like all firsts tastes, is completely free! We’ll start off with the basics and then go on to specific types of trolls with brief overviews of each.
 
 
Trolling Basics

1. Communication
First and foremost, to be an effective troll, you must be able to communicate well. While this may seem counter intuitive to some, the effective troll knows how to get the intended reaction with well placed communication. This may be done with what appears to be terrible typing skills, deplorable grammar and syntax, abysmal spelling, or even with near perfect grammar, syntax, typing skills, and spelling. No matter what you choose, make sure that you’re doing it well.
 
 
2. Conducting Yourself Versus One/Multiple
Now, what you don’t want to do is go in with guns blazing at your intended target(s). Too many would be trolls make the mistake of going all out right away. You should avoid direct, instant insults to the target(s). For instance, if your target is talking about how many books s/he has read in the year so far, don’t go in there like this:

These books are fucking retarded just like you! Stupid cunt/assmunch! Fuck you!

It’s not effective and is only going to get you blocked. No one will care what you think when you go in like this. What you want to do is more of the following:

Who cares? This is what you’re doing with your time? Certainly explains a lot!

Why? Well, what you “asked” first is probably what 90% of all the other people reading what the target(s) have written anyway. The second and third part insinuate you, and possibly others, see the target(s) as stupid or uneducated in things outside the books, which is probably true. There will be a few people who will start a flame war against you trying to defend the target(s) and the target(s) will most like try to defend themselves, resulting in them looking more like a tool. This is your goal.
 
 
3. Conducting Yourself Versus Multiple
Now, if you’re going after multiple targets there are a few ways of going about it. One way is doing so from your own website or from a topic in which you create. Another way of doing it is by hijacking a topic created by another user, chatline, etc. Both are performed essentially the same and this is a very effective way to annoy or piss off many people at once.

Again, you won’t want to go in firing off everything at once. You need a little bit of subtlety with this. Here’s an example of what not to do:

Look at all the fucking retards here. Someone call the bitch police, because there’s nothing except for fucktards here!

You’ll just get ignored by the majority of the people. Sure one or two people will try to bitch back at you, but they, too, will mostly likely get kicked and/or banned. You need some finesse with this. What do I mean? Well, let’s say you’re in a chatline or an entry with a large group of people of the same mind set and all they are doing is jacking each other off about how smart they all are and how much they all agree with each other. You’ll want to call attention to that, but in an easy way:

Is everyone going to just stand around hugging each other? When you crybabies are done with the group therapy, let’s get to some big-boy talk.

Not only are you letting them know they are just going around and around with no actual thought, but you’re implying their intelligence is on par with a preschooler. Again, this is probably true.
 
 
4. Adding Shock Value
A really good way to do this is to start your own topic and make claims that are just enough to be believable. While you might not actually believe, say, absolutely every Muslim is a Jew beating, day care center bombing terrorist (no matter how true), you’re going to want to make statements which lead people to believe you do.

You don’t want to make the entire topic that outrageous, of course. There has to be a lot of other things which are completely believable and actually reflect your views, in a reasonable way, sprinkled through out. An example? Well, you just had one in the previous paragraph. Here it is emphasized for the slower learners:

While you might not actually believe, say, absolutely every Muslim is a Jew beating, day care center bombing terrorist (no matter how true), you’re going to want to make statements which lead people to believe you do.

The highlighted area is what I’m talking about. See how everything up until that point is somewhat reasonable and believable? Another example is when I made an entry about just saying Merry Christmas. I told people I would make up the letter to the Xanga staff for them. Here it is (bold sections are done as they were originally):

Dear Xanga Administration,This is about a user named Sunrie. He expresses an opinion which greatly differs from mine and that offends me. Like, greatly offends me. It offends me so bad that I cried harder than an African woman who just watched her entire family get carpet bombed in a tribe war.

Can you please delete his account? I believe that we should all have the right to say and feel the way that I think is the right way, and if you don’t then you should be removed. Thank you, I greatly appreciate it.

Sincerely,

(Put your Username)

P.S. If you don’t do this, then I will write an entry about how you guys don’t care about anyone. Thanks!

Do you see where the shock value is added up in there? Not only am I implying they are simply being moronic for being upset at a differing opinion, but the comment of “…I cried harder than an African woman who just watched her entire family get carpet bombed in a tribe war…” is there to make the reader offended and shocked…hence the purpose of shock value.
 
 
5. Stringing Along
This can be easy or hard depending on your trolling skills. If your bait is good enough, then you will have your target(s) on the line and you can just start reeling them in. With everything learned up until this point, you will want to continue doing it. Don’t start going overboard with insults or claims. You can make or break a great deal of effort here. The last thing you want to do is ruin what you have going.

If done right, you can have this go on for hours, days, weeks, or even months. A good example of keeping a fish on the line is here in two of my entries: Running the Poodle Parade and Psycho at MySpace. The Psycho at MySpace is a great example of being able to keep someone talking and coming back while you’re making outrageous claims against them.

What generally will happen is your target(s) will try their hardest to put you in your place, while trying to make themselves look better, and they just won’t let it go. Ideally you will sucker in someone else to join in the conversation because you and your target(s) are going at it for so long. They will feel the need to throw their hat into the ring, not realizing they are getting trolled along with your original target(s). Good job if you do this! It is most effective in a forum or chatline.
 
 
Types of Trolls

Now that you have a small understanding of the basics, it’s time to decide what kind of troll you want to be. Even though there are a few choices, most troll types are sub-species, and so I won’t list them here.
 
 
1. Sock Puppet
This type of troll creates doubt and arguments within the community at large. They enter into a conversation with a seemingly genuine interest in the subject matter while also criticizing the other people’s views. Xanga liberals and atheists are prime examples of this. They typically post up a bunch of brainwashed, inane bullshit in order to get their “enemies” to be upset. An example of how to start this type of trolling is the following:

I really like Singer X, but do you think s/he is strong with Song Types Y?

 
 
2. Newbie Sneaks
A type of troll who pretends to be new to either the subject matter or the workings of a site/game. The goal is to act as innocent as possible while creating a very hostile environment for everyone helping, thus getting others to start flinging insults. When this happens, the troll then starts pointing out how mean the target(s) is/are while keeping up the charade of the victim.
 
 
3. Flame Baiters
What everyone generally thinks of when the word troll is spoken. The troll does everything to get other people riled up and flinging insults at, not only the troll, but eventually each other as well. The discussion will eventually dive into a full fledged flame war, which is only put to an end when a moderator or administrator steps in and either bans users, or locks the topic.
 
 
4. Colluding Trolls
How to explain…basically a troll with no personal vendetta or target(s) and simply trolls because another troll is…well…trolling. Think of these trolls as something akin to ronin, or master less samurai. Even though that is an insult to ronin everywhere, it’s pretty much the same. The troll is out to cause problems, sees another troll causing problems, and joins in to help.

The colluding troll can either be doing so in order to take over the roll of main troll or can even try to make it seem like more people think the way the initial troll does. Said troll can eventually bring in so many other trolls entire communities, blogs, or servers can be shut down because of it. Colluding trolls aren’t talentless, just aimless.
 
 
Think Before You Troll!

I probably should have post this part earlier, but what do I care? I couldn’t care less about you people. You aren’t as good as I am, so don’t try to copy me.

With that said, you really should think before you troll. Don’t be a dumb ass about it. The last thing you want to do is have all your personal information and private life out there for people to pick apart. Granted, most of the time when people do such, they’re just being idiots grasping at straws, but do you really want to deal with it?

A great example of listing the personal information and private life of a troll in a good way was done by ItIsAllGravy on his entry listed here: Think Before You Troll. Without giving away too much of the entry, ItIsAllGravy basically throws it all out about the troll Explosive. Go read the entry, it’s great.

Explosive is a prime example of a failure as a troll. She has too much information about herself out there, doesn’t know how to be subtle, and just goes after the wrong people. Good job, dipshit, you made it on my entry as a bad example. At least you aren’t a complete waste. Oh, and ItIsAllGravy, keep it up, man!

Get On Out There!

Great! You have a basic understanding of how to troll and you have a list of trolling types. What are you waiting for?

————-
Posted 5/2/2011 at 2:53 AM on Xanga

Driving tips for one day a week drivers


Until I moved to Colorado, I believed the term “Sunday Driver” was just something one used in order to refer to a moronic driver without swearing in front of your children so you actually seem to give a damn about them.  Well, as it turns out, outside of California there really are a bunch of you idiots out there driving only one day a week and still think that you have reasonable driving skills to be on the road.  The fact is, you don’t.

Don’t worry, though.  I’m going to help change all of that.  Yes, with Professor Sunrie’s Patent Pending Driving Tips, you’re going to learn more in a few minutes of reading than you will driving for fifteen years.  Not only am I going to cover how not to be a complete shit head when behind the wheel, but I’m going to make sure you understand what a huge shit head you are for driving the way you currently do!  It’s so simple, that a 16 year old girl with a learner’s permit, who already drives better than you do, will be an expert driver in no time.
 
 
1. The Gas Pedal
I was going to start this off with “A Green Light Means Go”, but for the sheer fact that most of you don’t even remember where the gas pedal is I can’t help but start if off with this.  I’m sure there are people out there that claim they realize this, as it has always been the pedal furthest to the right, even in right side drive cars, it seems you have actually forgotten which pedal makes the car accelerate.

While someone who might actually care about you might stare at you lovingly across the middle console and give you big, twinkling, puppy-dog eyes while stating, “Oh, sweetie, it’s alright.  We all make mistakes, after all.  Your foot must of slipped.  Go ahead and accelerate through the light!”, I will not.  I am not going to sugar coat any of this for you dumb asses.  They may be worried about hurting your feelings, but I am completely unattached and don’t give a damn about you.  Unless you plow into my car, that is.

Let me not forget to mention that over time, even those who claim to care about your worthless existence are going to turn on you soon, too.  Rest assured that soft talk will quickly turn into, “What are you doing?!  The god damn gas pedal is the same fucking place since the invention of the automobile: ON THE RIGHT!  NOW GO!”

To make your vehicle accelerate, you vary pressure on the gas pedal.  Again, it’s the pedal to the furthest right.  You do know which direction is right…right?  Hold up your right hand.  Yep, that direction (This, too, will discussed later).  The more you press down on the gas pedal, the faster the car will accelerate.  If you continue to press down on the gas pedal, your car will continue to accelerate at a constant or more rapid pace as it gains speed.  This is extremely important when you need to continue through a green light, get on the freeway, keep up with traffic, or simply reach the speed limit (All these, too, will be discussed later).  When you take your foot off the gas pedal, your speed will continue to decrease and should you press on the brake pedal, which you seem to be completely familiar with, you can come to a full and complete stop.

Once you have grasped the full understanding of the function of the gas pedal versus the brake pedal, you can continue on.  Please do not continue on until your do understand, or you will be confused and very lost as we explore the other concepts of driving.
 
 
2. A Green Light Means Go
The most important color of all the lights in a traffic control device is Green.  When the light is anything except for Red, it means you can proceed in the chosen direction.  When you see the light as being Green, then you must either continue to press the gas pedal to proceed in your chosen direction, ease your pressure on the gas pedal to make your turn, or press on the gas pedal to accelerate from a stop.

Sometimes the light is “funny” and is a Yellow color.  Don’t worry!  Yellow is only an indication that the light will soon change to Red and serves as a warning only.  If you are about to enter into the intersection or make a turn when the light is Green and it turns to Yellow, do not press on the brake pedal in an attempt to stop!  This will cause a traffic collision.  Simply continue to proceed through your chosen direction of travel.

Other times when a Green light can seem “funny” is when it is an arrow instead of a solid circle.  Don’t panic at all, please.  This simply means you can turn in the direction of the arrow when the light is Green without having to worry about other vehicles coming at you full force.  Just be sure you’re checking to make sure the arrows are Green, because they function the same way as a regular traffic control device with three colored circles: Red on top, Yellow in the middle, and Green on the bottom.

Should you find yourself stopped when the light is Red, the moment the light turns Green, you must immediately accelerate in your chosen direction.  The Green light is not a warning or a suggestion like the Yellow light.  A Green light means you are to proceed immediately.  You are not to sit and ponder the meaning of the light or be distracted by the vast empty thoughts of your hollowed head.  Green will always, always, always, always mean you must go.  Red always means stop.  Yellow always means Red is coming and serves as a warning.  Again, Green always means go.
 
 
3. Lane Positioning
On the road there are sections marked by different colored lines.  Usually, these are white.  These white lines indicate “Lanes”.  You must drive your vehicle within the confines of these Lanes unless merging (This will be discussed later).  You may use the entire lane you have chosen to drive in, but you must not move into the adjacent lanes when attempting to drive in a straight path.

By not driving in your own lane, you are being greedy.  Mostly, though, you are being a huge ass munch who shouldn’t be on the road.  There are ways of making sure people are not going to keep passing you (This will be discussed later), but this isn’t one of them.

Your lane position is almost as important as accelerating at a green light.  By keeping inside the lines of your lane, you ensure you will not strike another vehicle to your side with your vehicle.  This also allows motorcycles to “lane split” when it is safe and legal to do so.  Motorcycles are like cars, only they only have two wheels, are much quicker to accelerate, are louder, use less gas and therefore better for the environment, and take up less space.  Trust me, you’ll encounter them, so be on the look out for them (This will be discussed later).

Another very important reason to keep within the confines of your lane is you don’t want to get pulled over by law enforcement.  This is going to add time to your trip you didn’t count on and cost you extra money.  With the shitty way you drive, you’re attracting enough attention already, so stay inside those god damn lines!
 
 
4. Using your Indicator/Turn Signal
I have to list this here instead of “Lane Changes and Merging on the Freeway/Expressway” because, like the Gas Pedal, you idiots don’t know how to use your Indicator/Turn Signal.  Also, from here on out, “Indicator” will be used to represent the term “Turn Signal” as well.  In other words, it’s the same god damn thing, okay?

Your Indicator is what you use in order to indicate (what a concept!) what your intended change in direction is going to be.  This enables other drivers to anticipate your next move and act accordingly.

If you’re Asian, then you’re probably extremely confused as to what I’m talking about right now.  Sure you’re smart with the numbers and making cell phones smaller, but for some reason you can’t comprehend the concept of the Indicator.  It’s usually located on the left side of the steering wheel and is operated via a lever.  Push the lever up and you signal that you want to move to the right.  Pull the lever down and you signal that you want to move left.

One way of figuring out when the appropriate time to use your Indicator is the following:
1. You wish to merge to the left/right lane
2. You wish to make a left/right turn

If you wish to do any of the previous listed actions, then you must use your Indicator.  When should you activate your Indicator when wishing to enact those actions?  A general rule is if you are going 40MPH/64.36KPH (← for you metric fucks) or slower then you should activate your Indicator at least 100 feet prior to your chosen action.  If you are going  If you are going 41MPH/65.6KPH or faster, then you should activate your Indicator at least 200 feet prior to your chosen action.
 
 
5. Paying Attention
Yep, you need to learn how to be aware of your surroundings.  There are many things that you need to be aware of:
1. Your Speed in Relation to the Speed Limit
2. Your Lane Positioning
3. Lane Positioning of Other Drivers
4. What Direction You Wish to Travel
5. Your Location in Relation to Where You’re Going
6. Motorcycles

The first thing you’re going to learn here is how to pay attention to the speed limit.  You finally have a firm understanding of the Gas Pedal, and if you don’t then you need to go back and keep reading that section, so understanding the speed limit should be much easier now.  Though, I do tend to give you morons too much credit…

Speed limit signs tend to be white with black lettering.  Speed limits are not suggestions.  Speed limits are the law.  If the speed limit is 65MPH/104KPH, then you must travel at least 65MPH/104KPH!  You are not to drive 55MPH/88KPH in order to stay within the law.  As a matter of fact, if you do drive slower than the speed limit, you are actually breaking another law, and said law is “Impeding the Flow of Traffic”.  So, just go the speed limit.

How do you know if you’re doing the speed limit?  Well, when you look down at your dashboard and behind your steering wheel, there is a cluster of gauges.  This tells you if you need gas, how fast you are traveling, and many other important pieces of information.  This is usually the absolute easiest way to tell if you are going the speed limit.  If the sign says 65MPH/104KPH and the gauge with numbers in marks of ten has a needle pointing at 65MPH/104KPH, then you’re going the speed limit: Congratulations!  If it is anything lower, then speed up.  If it is five miles an hour faster, then you are still okay, and said speed is actually the preferred pace of travel you should aim for.  However, five miles an hour slower is never to be allowed.  The other way of figuring out if you are going the speed limit is to check the pace of travel with the other cars.  If every other god damn fucking car is passing you constantly, then you need to speed the fuck up!  At no point should every vehicle on the highway be passing you!  If this is happening, then you are not going fast enough!  This is the best way to keep everyone from passing you.  Now you don’t have to straddle two lanes, you fucking mook!

In the same vain as making sure that you are following the speed limit, there is no day the law says you must travel at no faster than 25MPH/40KPH on the side streets and no faster than 45MPH/72KPH on the highway.  No, not even on Sunday does the speed limit drop lower than the posted sign limits.  The cops aren’t trying to trick you with the signs only to pull you over when you are following the speed limit instead of only doing 25MPH/40KPH.

If you aren’t used to driving, then the last thin you should be doing is talking on a cell phone, changing the radio, or drinking coffee.  Just wait until you can actually hold the steering wheel, drive, and think at the same time.

We’ve already discussed Lane Positioning, so I’m not going to put a lot of detail of that all in here.  Just make sure you’re in your own lane unless merging or changing lanes and always use your Indicator.  Always be aware of other people’s Lane Position as well, that way you won’t strike their vehicle with yours.

If you know that you need to travel in a straight line, then for god’s sake, travel in a straight line!  There is no reason to constantly switch lanes, especially when you’re going the speed limit.  If you know that you are going to need to turn right, get in to the furthest right lane as soon as possible!  One of the biggest mistakes you will make is when you are in the far left lane and need to make a right turn, and try to speed up to pass the other cars to get to the right turn…or vice versa.  Think about things for a moment…if you need to make a turn which is coming up quickly and you try to speed up in order to get in front of the car to your side, how easy will it be for you to get to that turn?  Yeah, not very, dumb shit.  Congratulations, you’ve just got one point in for reasoning.  Don’t get cocky, though, you’re still an idiot, which is why I’m trying to help you.  What you need to do is actually slow down in order to allow the other vehicle to get in front of you, then merge into the lane…of course while using your Indicator!

Knowing ahead of time which direction you wish to travel is incredibly important.  Road signs give a perfect explanation of what the roads are called so you can anticipate which direction you will need to go.

MOTORCYCLES….
I explained what a motorcycle is, so here’s a picture.  Also depicted is a rather typical motorcycle rider.  Why is this important?  Because he will drag you out of your car, beat you, make you impale yourself with your own head and then give you a “shit on the chest bonus”, followed by lighting your car on fire, raping your cat, skinning your dog, and then chopping the rest of your family into little pieces which he will feed to your grandmother as a stew.  Don’t fuck with the motorcycle driver.  Watch out for motorcycles.

There’s a really good reason motorcycles have loud pipes: You’re a fucking twat who can barely tell when there is another car present, so the loud noise serves as a warning to even your retarded self.  Motorcycles also travel with their head lamps on all the time and most of them flicker a little just to add more attention so you know they are there.  Remember, motorcycles are more fuel efficient and take up less space than your vehicle, and so are better for the environment meaning you should show as much respect to them as possible…and there’s always the fact the rider will probably kill you if you fuck with them.  Motorcyclists also tend to be more proud of this country than you are and do more to show their pride.  I’m getting a little side tracked with this, so we’ll move on.
 
 
6. Lane Changes and Merging on the Freeway/Expressway
Now things are about to get a little more complicated, aren’t they?  Shut up.  That was a rhetorical question.  This has a direct connection with having to using your indicator and pay attention which is why those were listed before this.

Not only must you be aware of your own lane position, but the position of all the other vehicles as well.  I listed why in the previous section, so if you don’t understand it, then go back and read this all over again from the very top.

To change lanes, you must use several of your senses: Sight, Hearing…okay, only two.  There are some things you must do in order to actually change lanes.  First you must activate your Indicator.  Second, you must look in your rear view mirror.  Third, you must check the mirror on the side of the vehicle in which the lane you wish to change in to is on.  Finally, you must turn your head to the side in order to ensure there is no one you could not previously see in the mirrors.  After the correct amount of distance with your Indicator active (this was discussed earlier) and it is both safe and prudent to do so, then you can move your vehicle in to the desired lane.

Sure it seems like there are a lot of steps you must take in order to change lanes, but this will keep you safe and from being a huge fucking idiot on the road.  Changing lanes is important to get where you’re going, so the more skill you have at it, the faster, easier, and safer you will be at doing it.  If you can master changing lanes, then you can begin to effectively merge onto the freeways/expressways.  Merging onto the freeway/expressway is a little more difficult, as there is an added rule you must learn, but don’t freak out too much.  You’re here to learn after all.

Absolutely the most important thing to remember when merging onto the freeway/expressway is this:
If you ain’t on the freeway/expressway, you ain’t shit!

People on the freeway/expressway have the right away and it is your responsibility to get on safely.  They do not have to do shit for you.  The drivers on the freeway/expressway do not have to merge over into an adjacent lane to allow you safe passage.  They drivers on the freeway/expressway do not have to slam on their brakes in order to allow you to merge onto the freeway/expressway.

You must not only do everything listed when changing lanes and where the gas pedal is located, but you must also adjust your speed in order to be fast enough to be on the freeway/expressway, and also time your entry so that you can actually get onto the freeway/expressway in a manner which does not put those already doing the speed limit or faster at risk.  If someone is being kind enough to slow down for you, then get the fuck up to speed as quickly as possible.  This ties back in to following the speed limit.  See how everything is connected?

The freeway/expressway is not for the faint of heart.  If you have a problem with speeds above 45MPH/72KPH then stay off the freeways/expressways.  Most freeways/expressways are set to have a speed at minimum of 55MPH/88KPH and many have speeds up to 80MPH/128KPH.  If you aren’t doing at least those speeds while you are on it, then get off.  You must be both a defensive and offensive driver on the freeway/expressway, so if you think that it’s nothing but a bunch of “Thunder Dome mental psychos”, then just stay the fuck off of it, okay?
 
 
7. Knowing Left and Right…
You’re probably thinking that I’m being faseshious, but really, so many of you people don’t know how to turn left or right.  Regardless of where you are facing, regardless of the direction in which you are traveling is, left is always left, right is always right.  You don’t need to know if you are fucking turning North, East, South, or West.  Just turn to the god damn, mother fucking left or right.

If you are told to exit the freeway/expressway at Church Street and turn left, does it really matter if that is fucking South or West or what-the-fuck-ever?  No!  It means turn fucking left!  For some reason every child, except for the one with the football helmet and water wings, in kindergarten can tell you which is left and right, but the moment you jack-offs get a driver’s license, you can’t navigate with Left and Right as directions.

If you are facing North and raise your left hand, then that is left, but if you are facing South and raise your left hand…then that is still left.  Same goes for Right.  Nothing in the history of man has changed the direction of Left and Right, not even the invention of the automobile.  If someone gives you directions and tells you to turn left or right, just raise your left or right hand and you’ll know which direction to go.  It’s not a complicated concept.  Hell, it’s the easiest of everything on here for god’s sake.
 
 
You’ve Finished!
Well, congratulations!  You’ve made it through the basics section!  You may not be a great driver, but at least now you know and understand the basic principles of driving.  Practice makes perfect.  I know it is scary out there in the world away from your couch, but you obviously have to drive places every so often or feel the need to drive some place at least one day a week.  The more you drive, the better you will be.  The better you are, the more you will see what a fucking retard you were before all the practice and reading this entry.  Now get out there and actually drive!

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Posted 2/11/2011 at 5:16 PM on Xanga