How To: Survive Living in a Haunted House

Survive Living in a Haunted House

Most of the time, living in a haunted house is pretty cool. The parties alone are always epic, what with the sudden breaking out into musical numbers to tunes such as Day-o by Banana Boat, to being randomly thrown around the room violently all against your will. For kids parties, that’s just awesome. Even with all the fun to be had, there are some steps you must take in order to ensure a happy union of home owner and ghost, lest you end up upsetting the spirit(s) and having your dream home turn into a nightmare.

This guide is going to give you some basic instructions on how to deal with living in a haunted house. While not an all inclusive guide, by the end of this guide you will have a decent understanding on how to have a reasonably quiet home.

1. Make sure the house is haunted
Before you even begin to make life awesome by living in a haunted house, make sure you actually have a haunted house. 8 out of 10 times what is being experienced can be explained away. There are a couple of ways for you to figure out if your house is haunted. I’m going to list a few, and if you have more than one of these occurring and also have more than one person reporting them, chances are high you have a ghost.

  1. Cupboards and doors opening or closing by themselves forcefully
  2. Footsteps when no one is walking
  3. Animals are staring at nothing / Growling at nothing / Chase nothing
  4. Electronics are turning on/off by themselves, but don’t have a remote control nor timer
  5. Banging on walls or windows
  6. Bed shaking
  7. Random shadows moving of their own accord
  8. Muted voices which may or may not be having a conversation or whispering your name
  9. Smell of unknown origin which may or may not be pleasant
  10. Feeling as though you’ve walked into, or had draped over you, spider webs
  11. Cold spots which move on their own
  12. Feeling of heaviness in areas which move on their own
  13. Items disappearing and/or moving on their own

If you have more than one of those things occurring in your home, chances are you have a ghost! Should you want to be validated, contact a local ghost hunting organization in your area. The ones on TV are usually booked solid, so you’ll want anyone else. Mediums, who are usually rather large, will be willing to check out your home for a price, but never, ever pay for an investigation.
2. Why your house may be haunted
There are several reasons for actually having a haunted house. While many theories abound, no one is actually 100% certain as to why. Some hold if a person has a tragic or sudden death, the soul hangs around. Another belief is if someone dies with unfinished business, they will try to get that goal accomplished in the after life before moving on. Others believe there are more scientific reasons behind it. Here’s a few theories and explanation as to why it’s believed.

i. Limestone and quartz deposits with running water
This here is one of the scientific reasons. Quartz is used in many electronic devices and is known to hold information, just like a computer hard drive. When it is combined with limestone and running water, high with minerals, is rubbed along it, the information is released, much like a movie projector.

ii. Someone died in your home…or close to it
Obviously if someone died in your home, they aren’t going to leave. After all, it was their home before yours. If it was someone who died in your house after you bought it, well…just try kicking them out now.

Should you have a ghost of someone, or a few different people, come into your home because they died near by, take it as a compliment! They like your drape and carpet scheme.

iii. They are attracted to you
You sexy thing, you.
3. Understanding the dynamics of a haunted house
Once you’ve decided your house is haunted, it’s time to start understanding it. There are many different things which happen in a haunted house and each of them are caused by very interesting anomalies. Even though these things are paranormal, there is an explanation for each one.

A. Banging/Knocks
These are some of the most common phenomena to occur in a haunted house. Often times the banging is happening because a ghost wants to communicate. Other times it’s because the ghost is trapped in the walls. A ghost trapped in the walls is reasonably pissed off and wants to get out.

B. Opening doors
Even though ghosts can pass through solid objects, they sometimes forget. The doors open because they are trying to copy you, much like your dog just wants to be part of your “pack”.

C. Cold spots
An incorrect belief is cold spots is caused by ghosts pulling energy from the area around them to manifest. Truth is, a cold spot is caused by a ghost farting. Sometimes you’ll even hear them ask, “Ya’ smell that?” Mist is often times a visual cue of a ghost fart!

D. Being pulled out of your bed
Don’t be afraid of this. Ghosts are like an invisible alarm clock, but they experience time differently. Think of this like a cat trying to tell you it’s time to eat.

E. Feeling compelled to do something
Have you ever been in the front room and suddenly thought, “Hey, I should go to the bathroom!” Only…you didn’t actually need to? Yep, that’s the ghost telling you to do it in order to make you see something having to do with ghosts. Sometimes you get what is known as “ghost turds”. That’s where you know you took a dump, there’s poop on the paper, but there’s no turd in the toilet.

F. Being scratched, pushed, pulled, or hit
Ghosts are assholes.
4. Activities ghosts will do
Ghosts are known to do a lot of different things. This guide has already listed a few of them, but that’s not all. Some of the activities ghosts partake in will seem strange to you and no one is certain as to why they do them. Here’s a small sample of what to expect from ghosts do for fun while hanging out in your home.

  • Spooky noises
    Ghosts will fly or walk around making spooky noises. This is the most classic of all ghost activities. They’re probably doing this for fun and are trying to scare you. Remember, every day is Halloween for ghosts!

  • Read books
    Perhaps the most confusing things ghosts do for fun is read books. They really like The Bible.

  • Throw raging keggers
    Ghosts like to party. When they aren’t drinking enough to kill a living person, they are usually getting high as fuck.

  • Hide and go seek
    Ghosts aren’t always around, and when they aren’t, they’re playing Hide and Go Seek with you. At times they’ll play this game with your keys, so if you can’t find them, chances are a ghost is making you find them for their amusement. When you’ve had enough, simply yell “Olly olly oxen free!” They’ll know the game is over for this match and return your item or come out of hiding.

  • Dance around in your underwear
    Why? Who knows, but ghost love your dirty underwear and will dance around all night in them.

5. Communicating with the ghost(s)
Ghosts don’t liked to be ignored…I mean, who does? Well, besides that strange dude who goes through your garbage at 1A.M. Seriously, though…what’s up with that asshole? It’s like, come on, I know you’re doing it. You’re not being that quiet or anything. If you want scraps, just say something and I may be nice enough to help out. The soup kitchen is open until 4A.M. Wait…why am I writing to you here? You don’t have internet access…

I. Ouija boards
These are like telephones, but for ghosts. Ouija boards are completely safe and fun! These can be used by anyone without any kind of worry what so ever! These are also known as angel boards, talking board, witch dialer, demon callers, and Satan’s cookbook. The last name there is a translation and something of the poetic nature was lost in the English words.

II. Just talking
Ever wonder why we tell ghost stories around the camp fire? That’s because ghosts like a nice fire side chat. So do actors. Just start chatting it up and wait for replies.

III. Automatic writing
I don’t mean like in the story Tommy Knockers by Stephen King. Automatic writing is where you close your eyes and suddenly you’ve written something in writing which isn’t your own. All you need to do is grab something to write with and then ask some questions.

IV. Polaroids
Yep, for some reason ghosts like to write on Polaroid pictures. No one quite knows why, but if there are ghosts present, they will write something out in Latin and maybe Welsh.

V. Special ghost phone
Nokia is currently in development of a special phone designed to talk directly to the dead. Be careful, though, the auto correct with the text messaging can really piss a ghost off!
6. Appeasing the ghost(s)
Many cultures have different ways of keeping ghosts happy. If the spirit(s) in your home are upset, then don’t expect to have a happy home. Unlike what Nintendo would have you believe, you cannot simply vacuum a ghost up! Since we are a few years away from having a working unlicensed positron accelerator packs available for a reasonable retail price, the best we can do is appease them. Here’s a few ways to make that happen.

/. Worship
Sometimes a spirit just wants to be worshiped. Just do it. I mean, it’s not like the Christian God said not to do that. Right?

/\. Leave offerings of food and/or tobacco
The Chinese believe if they leave feasts laying about randomly, wayward spirits will be appeased. Hell, I know if someone kept leaving me free Chinese food I’d be pleased as hell! Chinese food is awesome.

Tobacco is a personal call. I know plenty of people who enjoy a nice pipe, a relaxing cigarette, or a smooth cigar. For the modern age, leave out a freshly wrapped fatty. Ghosts love to get high, remember? Just make sure it’s legal where you are. If it’s not, don’t let the cops know about it. They’re not going to believe it’s for your ghost.

/\|. Sacrifice your pets
Your pets are always annoying your ghost, which is why your pets are always freaking out. Sad but true, you’re going to have to get rid of your pets. Selling them isn’t good enough. Nope, you need to ritually sacrifice your pets to the spirit(s) haunting your home. The more you love your pet before you kill it, the happier the ghost(s) will be and, in return, the happier you’ll be in your home.

Doing the same thing with your children yields even better results, but requires much more time and effort to do. Just stick with the pets.

/\|/. Have sex
Ghosts are not only assholes, but huge perverts. Now, one of the good things is if your spouse turns out to possessed, they may be possessed by a famous person. How cool would it be to learn about history from Abraham Lincoln while simultaneously nailing your loved one? It’s like a ménage à trois with no risk of after cheating because it’s your spouse’s body! “Four score, and I’m about to cum!”

Ghosts will always be watching you have sex. They may or may not participate, but they will be watching. Just be prepared for the occasional ghost pinky in your butthole. At least…they’ll say it’s a pinky…
7. Getting rid of your ghost(s)
Why would you do this? There’s no reason to. Besides, there is no getting rid of them. You’ll have to move. Oh, but sometimes they move with you.

So there you have it! An easy guide to survive living in a haunted house. Now you know…and knowing is like five tenths the battle!


Helping Parents Understand Their Gamer Child

Does your child play a lot of videgames and you just can’t seem to connect to them? Are you attempting to understand games more so you can relate? Is your intention to understand the “videogame culture”? Well, you’ve come to the right place. My intention for this entry is to help parents, and others, how to understand the niche world of videogames. You’ll learn how to understand the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) and the different terminology used in reference to different things having to do with videogames.

Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB)
We’ll start off with one of the most confusing, complicated, and worthless of information: the ESRB.

The ESRB is a board of random people who volunteer, much like the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA). Developers submit their game to the board and, based off a list of items, decide what the game will be rated at. While there is no law mandating a game be submitted to be ESRB, just like no law requires an MPAA rating for a movie, most “brick-and-mortar” retailers will not carry videogames without one.

On the back of every game is the ESRB rating.

Unlike the MPAA, the ESRB is a confusing system. See, while the MPAA is very obvious with ratings such as G, PG, PG-13, NC-17 (same as an R rating…so….), R, and X/XX/XX with no additional information as to why these are rated the way they are, the ESRB not only puts the rating on the box such as E (everyone), E10+, T (teen), M (mature), and AO (Adult Only), they also put all the reasons why a game is rated the way it is.

So much information is always confusing. I mean, how can you understand a game rating when it says E10+ and lists comedic violence, animated blood, and crude humor as well? Shouldn’t it just be like the MPAA where a rating is given with no explanation? After all, an R rating is an R rating with no difference between movies. The 40 Year Old Virgin is the same R rating as The Expendables, so they are obviously rated R for the same reasons.

Actually…just ignore the rating system all together. It’s worthless. Buy any game you want and never ask questions.
General Slang
Gamers use a lot of slang in reference to many things in the culture. While some slang is similar to words used by the vast majority of others, the meanings are not the same. It is important to remember that. Also, this is not an all inclusive list. What I have here are the most important ones.

The term “gamer” is hotly debated amongst the gaming community. Some people argue the fact someone plays any videogame makes them a gamer, that is not the accepted definition. The general consensus on the term “gamer” is the following:

Any person who’s main hobby is playing a wide variety of videogame genres in lieu of other activities

So, if your child only plays Skylanders, they aren’t a gamer, they are just playing a game. If your child is only playing Call of Duty: Ghosts, not only do they have poor choices in games, they are not a gamer, they just play a game.

Said as the individual letters, this one is another confusing term. If the game in question has to do with shooting brown people until they stop moving, then it means “First Person Shooter”. If FPS is in reference to how well the game is running, it means “Frames Per Second”.

Not to be confused with the Klan (KKK), a clan is a group of players who play together either for fun or competition against other clans. This is a micro-community within the minor-community (game specific). If your child has a small series of letters, between three and four, before their gaming name, chances are they are part of a clan.

This is all healthy and expected among many players in certain types of games. FPS, for example, have a heavy reliance on clans. So do massive multiplayer online (detailed further down) games. Don’t worry, there have only been sixteen recorded instances of mass suicides in regards to gaming clans.

It’s not a sound a cow makes! Just like FPS, this is said as the individual letters and means “massive multiplayer online”. Generally these games are role-playing games set in a fantasy or science fiction universe.

Most of the appeal of an MMO comes from pretending you’re a strong/important person if you’re worthless, pretending you’re a female when you’re a male, and pretending you’re an underage girl if you’re the FBI. For some people, the allure of interaction with others without any of the actual interaction is a draw. As for the games…they consist of running from town to a far off area, collecting something, bringing it back, and doing so for the next 300 hours all for a $15 a month price tag just to play.

Lag is a massive delay in what is happening in the game to what you are seeing. It’s also known as “God damn fucking bullshit / Fuck this shit / What the fuck / Fucking lag / I’ll fucking kill these fucking fuckholes”.

Lag is to gaming what Colorado drivers are to the road: Ruins the experience of being there.

Gamer Specific Slang
Now on to more specific gamer slang. Just like before, this is not an all inclusive list, and is just a list to help you on your way.

Someone who is new and is terrible at the game. Noobs can make a team lose by the simple act of being present on the team. There are even times when people have tens of hours into a game and they are still noobs.

Ignore anyone calling someone a noob because they are using a certain strategy which is working against them. They’re idiots.

A young child who’s voice sounds like a dog’s squeaking toy every time they open their mouths, making people’s ears figuratively, and sometimes actually, bleed. No one likes a squeaker. If your child hasn’t gone through puberty yet, take the microphone away from them. Chances are, they’re just calling people niggers anyway.

Bears are people who like to focus on MMO’s. Regardless of what character type and gender a person is playing, if they play MMO’s as their main form of videogame entertainment, they are a bear.

There are different kinds of bears, too:

  • Brown Bear
    -Someone who enjoys playing as an animal tamer

  • Black Bear
    -Someone who enjoys playing as a girl when they’re a boy

  • Sticky Bear
    -Someone who enjoys playing as a boy when they’re a girl

  • Honey Bear
    -Someone who enjoys playing as a thief

  • Golden Bear
    -FBI pretending to be an underage girl

Should your child like to dress up as a bear, they aren’t a “bear” in the gamer sense…they’re a “fur fag”, which is totally different.

Remember when I said some words are similar, but have different meanings? This is one of them! The word faggot refers to anyone who is cheating in the game. Usually when asked, “What is wrong?” after hearing someone screaming about “This fucking faggot!!!”, they will say, “Someone’s hacking!” Hacking and cheating are pretty much the same thing, and faggot means someone doing either of them.

When used in the gaming culture, faggot does not have anything to do with homosexuality. Gamers don’t care if another gamer is gay, only if they are black. This is why the word nigger means exactly the same thing, but faggot does not. FOR SOME REASON, GAMERS HATE BLACK PEOPLE.

Power Top
Players in an FPS can be extremely aggressive. While not abnormal, the most aggressive and in charge players are known as “power tops”.

Power tops generally want to always be number one in the game, be the reason their team was rallied to victory, and lead the squad or team. A power top will be the one most likely pointing out the faggots, yelling at the noobs, and calling out people for simply sucking badly. If your child exhibits these behaviors, chances are they are a power top and will appreciate being called one.
What You Can do to Get in With Your Kid
Kids crave attention, and if they aren’t getting it from you, they’re going to get it from the guy the FBI is trying to catch.

At the very least you should watch them from a distance at first. As you learn more about their gaming habits, you can start to encroach a little more each time. Eventually you’ll want to be sitting down with them and either just watch them or play.

As you slowly make your way into their world, make references to how they are a power top, or a bear, or how the faggots are ruining the game for them. It goes a long way to a gamer when a parent shows understanding and interest in their hobbies. They don’t expect you to join them, they just want your acceptance.

If you do decide to join them, however, you’re in for a treat! The easiest way to do so in get on a gaming console and become their friend under a gaming alias. Gaming as a family provides hours of entertainment and valuable family time. If you do go the alias route, only reveal yourself when you feel they’re ready.

If You Decide You Like Gaming
Gaming is as addictive as highly refined cocaine, some psychologists want you believe, so caution must be taken. There are many tales of people losing their minds and lives mid game for reasons science is still researching.

One case in point is of the woman to the right. Her name is Alexandra Tobias and she is serving six life sentences for the mutilation of her three year old daughter. Alexandra was so lost in the fantasy of playing Dig Dug, she lost all hold of reality. Taking a rubber hose, she put it into her daughter’s mouth and blew her up like a balloon. The scene was so devastating and grotesque, several first responders committed suicide just days after witnessing it.

Another case is James Rolf. What happened? Well, James Rolf was so obsessed with beating the game Dr. Jykell and Mr. Hyde he wouldn’t eat, sleep or bathe. Finally, after a two week marathon of gaming, he dropped dead from exhaustion, only two screens from his goal.
Watch yourself and start getting some time with your child. If you can manage the addictive nature of the gaming, you’re in for a long life of happiness!

How To: Youtube Gaming Channel!

Youtube Gaming Channel

Over the years YouTube has gone from being a place to illegally upload full episodes of TV shows broken into five minute segments, to webcams of fat idiots demanding moronic changes in society, to softcore jailbait porn, to people’s jobs thanks to profit sharing. Money is king and YouTube is like a duke or duchess, or something, and now you can make all kinds of money if you have the know how by making videos.

If you want to get into this profitable business, you need the skills to make a video, get likes and subscribers. This is easier said than done, but that’s where your soft lap Uncle Sunrie comes in. Come on over and sit on my lap as I slowly rub your back and give you the tools necessary to succeed! Just don’t tell anyone. This’ll be our secret, okay?

Unlike some of my other How To Guides, this is a complete lesson. Obviously this is free of charge, just like the others.

As always, links will open in a separate window. Before you read on, here’s an example on how it all should look:

Video on YouTube. SMASH THOSE LIKES!

Purpose of this Guide
For this guide, we’re going to focus on making a specific type of successful channel on YouTube: Gaming.

There are many types of gaming channels on YouTube. These channels consist of the following types:

  • Let’s Play
  • Prediction
  • Funny/Fail Moment Montages
  • Stunt Montages
  • Impressions
  • Strategies
  • Review

Because there is a lot of cross over with each style, no matter what you do, you’re going to want the format shown in this guide.
Profit sharing and sponsors
Before you actually begin, make sure you turn on the profit sharing option in your YouTube account. This will ensure you not only get money based on clicks, views, subscriptions, and likes, you’ll also have an ad on your movie before it actually plays.

These ads will be anywhere between 15 seconds (and unable to be skipped) to four minutes or longer (able to be skipped after 15 seconds). This is how you’re getting paid, and the longer the ads in front of your movie, the more you’ll make. You’re going to be so popular, it won’t matter how long the ad is to your video, since people will be falling all over your genitals just because you uploaded something. Trust me, they’ll wait and they’ll like it!

Sadly, though, YouTube has changed they way they’ve done profit sharing and the amount has come down quite a bit. Don’t worry, you can always get sponsors. When you do, they’ll require you to have a certain content rating for your videos. That’s just life of a profit sharing, money making, YouTube artist like yourself, though.

For your sponsors, make sure you not only put in at least a picture of one of their products, if not another short video, explaining who they are, what they do, what’s being sold, and any special discounts the viewer will get by adding coupon codes to their purchase on the sponsor’s website. These short ads should be at least thirty seconds long, and up to 1.5 minutes.
Have a badass animated opening
You need to capture people attention, and the absolute best way to do that is to have a long, killer animated opening sequence. How do you? Follow the advice below! Make sure this happens AFTER all ads and sponsor information, though.

Special Effects
Don’t chince on the special effects. This should have more over production than a Michael Bay movie! Lens flare, flashing colors, animated words, and pounding music. For extra credit, make sure something in the opening sequence pulses in time with the music playing.

Use something either everyone or no one has ever heard of. Forget if you have permission to use the song on your profit sharing channel or not, this is the Internet and you don’t need permission, right?

The type of music you use should be something ear pounding and/or extremely annoying. Use the absolute most over modulated, poorly optimized dubstep you can find. Alternatively, use scream metal. An example of that is Schatten Aus Der Alexander Welt. Drive home the point you’re extreme and awesome!
Now it’s time to start some kind of content, but not the actual promised content itself. No, you have to beg first, since everyone loves a person begging before the content of the video actually starts.

An astrix marks something which is optional.

Showing yourself*
This is totally optional. Face reveals are sometimes good, but it doesn’t matter. If you’re going to show yourself, though, there are a few rules to follow to ensure you’re going to do it correctly.

Lots of empty white space behind you
You don’t want to have a nice backdrop and you don’t want to be zoomed in too close to yourself. Make sure your head takes up about half the screen width and almost the entire height, but leave a little so your skull isn’t cut off. Remember, the less going on behind you, the more focused people are on you.

Huge ass microphone*
Nothing says you’re a serious speaker like having a microphone the size of something from the 1920’s Radio Music Hall with a wind screen bigger than your face.

Headphone microphone*
If you don’t have a huge ass microphone, make sure you’re doing the responsible thing and using a microphone on your headsets. keep it extremely close to your mouth so every breath you take is recorded and every word is over buzzed when excited.

Huge headphones
Just like having a big mic, make sure when you’re showing yourself, you have massive headphones on. Why would you have headphones one? Who the hell cares! What’s important is you have them on, showing you’re serious about recording!

Huge ass smile and bouncing around
Whenever you’re showing your face, make sure you bounce around a lot and always have a grin on your face like you just screwed someone’s daughter while her parents were in the living room and you were both in the bathroom.

Sitting still means you’re bored and if you’re bored, people will see you as boring. Always sway back and forth, make spastic movments (a la Avril Lavigne’s video Hello Kitty). So, pretty much move like Michael J. Fox without his medication while starring as the creepy little girl from The Ring.

Messy hair, unshaven – Overweight*
Nothing says “ARTIST!” like seeming as if you don’t give a fuck about how you look. Make sure your hair isn’t done up, you have a five o’clock (or later) shadow, you’re over 25 and you aren’t really that skinny. Oh, and wear “Dad” clothing even if you aren’t a parent.

Punk inspired hair done neatly, shaven, nice clothing – Skinny*
If you aren’t any of the previous, do it right and make sure you’re auditioning for a modern day Beatles band membership. You want to be super clean cut, with a somewhat hipster style hairdo, and wear clothing from places such as American Eagle. Try to look even younger than you are, and be “oh so cool”.

Begging and delaying
Before any other content aside from your ads, sponsor information, and intro begins, it’s time to now beg. What will you be begging for? Check out below!

Thank people for watching
Start off by thanking people for watching, even though they haven’t watched anything of value yet. This lulls them into a false sense of safety, promise of content, and makes them feel welcome.

You’ll want to instantly go into asking for people to subscribe to your channel. Promise them content, based on likes (more detail below) and subscribes. Talk about how many you currently have and then reference how many you want to have. Tell them how it only takes a moment of their time while they’re watching. I mean, hey, they aren’t actually watching anything yet and so it should be no big deal to scroll down and hit that subscribe button.

Reference your last video
Talk about how well the last video did and thank people for liking it. Reference the link in your description and in your video on how to view it. If you want more likes on it, then tell people to go to it and click that like button.

Now let’s talk about those “likes”.

Talk about how many likes your last video had and how you want more likes on that video, and the desire to beat the last video with likes on this video.

Promise people if they like this video with X amount of likes, then you’ll upload another video. Beg people to “mash/smash/trash/hammer/etc” that like button in order to drive the likes up to the desired level.

Now’s the time to start telling people to share your channel and/or video with other people in order to get even more subscribers and likes. Tell them to share it with everyone they know and have them tell anyone they share the video with to not only like it, but subscribe to the channel as well.

Get them to go onto other channels and link to your videos. You’re going to be doing this yourself as well, but it never hurts to have all your subscribers bomb other videos in order to drive more traffic to your channel, which results in more likes and subscribes.

You’ll need to do a lot of talking. There is a proper and improper way of doing this to make your channel popular.

Mispronounce common words
When you talk, make sure you say common words incorrectly. The more common and basic a word, the more you have to screw up with how you say it. For example, instead of saying “word” start saying “worb”.

If it’s something to do with a game, such as a proper name, no matter how many times the in-game voice actors say the name, use the wrong pronunciation. Who cares if the creators and original dialect don’t say it the way you do. Fuck them. For example, say “Die ah bLow’ instead of “Dee Awb low” when talking about the series Diablo. Or even the now common, “Bet ah field” instead of “Battle Field” for the Battlefield series.

The more you screw up what you’re saying the better.

Have an accent which is an insult to your region*
This is most important for anyone who is from England. People like a British accent, but even if your version of the accent is the spawn of Satan himself, make sure you talk over everything. The worst you sound, the better for these videos.

If you’re a kid, talk extremely fast with your high pitched voice*
Just like the British accent, the one thing people can’t get enough is a squeaker. There are bonus points here for being a squeaker and having a such a terrible accent you’re almost unintelligible.

Talk over absolutely 100% of the video
As the video plays, you’re going to want to talk over 100% of it. Doesn’t matter if the audio is important or anything like that, just keep talking and don’t stop.

Remember, if you’re doing a Funny/Fail Montage, the video isn’t what people want to see and laugh about, it’s your endless commentary on the subject matter. Don’t let the video stand on its own, because it can’t. You’re funny, not the funny moment.

Ramble on before getting to what’s going on*
You’ll want to ramble on about random things, like someone making you banana bread. Don’t actually talk about the video right away. That cuts down on your video time and that is stupid.

Get distracted by in-game content*
If you’re talking about something in the game or even if you’re doing a montage of some kind, you’ll want to be distracted by things going on in the game, which has nothing to do with what your video is about.

For instance, if you’re talking about a glitch in Skyrim, just randomly start screaming at the NPC’s who are walking by and saying scripting comments. Don’t just focus on what you’re doing, go out of your way to add extra things! People will see this as an added value and not a detraction or annoyance in anyway.

The Clip
The clip or clips you’re showing shouldn’t be any longer than 35 to 45 seconds for actual content. The longer you spend doing everything else, the shorter the content should actually need to be.

For instance, if you’re talking about how to upgrade a skill in Grand Theft Auto: Online, the clip showing how to do it should take about five minutes, when the explanation is actually only about 15 seconds. This is all helped to be stretched out because of what was discussed in “Talking”, so you shouldn’t have an issue at this point.

If you are doing just a quick clip, make sure it’s very quick. Your introduction and ads should be longer than the actual video you want to show.
The outtro is just as important as your intro. If you don’t get this right, you’re going to lose potential subscribers.

Act like it was the best video ever
You must keep up the excitement so people will want to watch more from you. Say something like, “Wow, wasn’t that freaking amazing?!” Then go onto the rest.

Thank people again
Don’t forget to thank your views once again for watching the video. If you don’t, they won’t feel loved after the quick video they just watched and will have forgotten you already thanked them.

Once again, beg and delay the credits. Remind them to subscribe, like, and comment once again. Don’t forget to tell them to send it out to all their friends and link to the video in other people’s videos.

These should be a single, static frame which lasts for all of five seconds before the end of the video. There should be no music and no voice over, either.
You need to get your channel out there. Don’t leave it all up to your subscribers, whom you begged, to do it for you. Get out there on every other gaming channel and promote the hell out of your channel. Tell them how you make better ones or ones just as funny and link to yourself. Take it to Twitter and Facebook as well.

Do this three, four, ten times a day on each and every channel on as many of their videos as you can! It’s not spam if it’s content!

Well, there you have it! This comprehensive guide is your gateway to YouTube fame. The success or failure of using this guide is up to you. Follow it, and you’ll go places, kid. You’ll go places. Places I tell you. Places.

Incredible Life Hacks

Sunrie's How To Guides

Life Hacks

Life…sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, and sometimes it needs to be hacked! We hack everything from bank accounts to PS3’s, so why not our own life? Whether its trying to untangle a mess of cables or getting out of paying child support, you can be sure there’s a life hack for it.

Unlike electronics, though, life hacks are more about thinking outside of the box rather than creating a script…though that may be part of a life hack. A script, I mean. You might need a script for life hacking a meeting with your boss. See? That’s outside the box a bit right there!

While there are nearly countless amounts of other sights on the Internet claiming to have incredible life hacks, with these proven methods from the respected How To Guide guru Sunrie, you are assured quality. You’ll also get a quantity of them. Also, unlike other sides, this guide is provided to you free of charge! Yes, that’s right, this incredible Sunrie How To Guide is completely free just like many others.

Listed below are 14 high quality life hacks for you to enjoy.

1. Perfect Garage Parking
Are you always just a little unsure of where you are when you pull into the garage because of the length of your car? Simply hang a tennis ball from the ceiling in the perfect place for it to rest gently against your windshield. This will ensure you are always far enough forward without going too far!
2. Holistic Heartburn Remedy
Have stubborn heartburn which won’t go away? Have high blood pressure and don’t want to take the store bought artificial crap? Need relief right away? Well, a cup of peppermint tea (hot or cold) will clear it right up! When has tea ever done you wrong?
3. Increased Audio from Integrated Computer Speakers
Are your computer speakers too quiet? Do you just want to hear it from further away? Well, take a plastic cup and cut it in half down the length of it. Place the two halves face down on your speakers for instant amplification!
4. Whiter Teeth for Cheaper
Want to have the benefit of expensive teeth whitening systems, but don’t want to shell out the crazy amounts of cash for them? Just add a dash of baking soda in.

Want to up it to the next level and have ballin’ white teeth like all the stars in Hollywood? Well, simply mix bleach with your dollar store toothpaste. Bleach works wonders with clothing and even more for your yellowed teeth!
5. Take Burns Over Stains on Motel/Hotel Matresses
I don’t think I really need to elaborate here…it’s kind of common sense. When you have a choice of a bed with a burn or a stain when you’re in a motel/hotel, always take the one with a burn. After all, you know what made the burn.
6. Sanitary Napkins are Versatile
Go ahead and ask any person riding a Harley-Davidson with saddle bags if they have maxi-pads in there. No, really, go ahead and ask. Almost every biker carries these for heavy road rash injuries.

In addition to that, they make great sticky notes for either home or vehicle use. Out of paper and someone parked like an idiot, and you just have to let them know? Write on the back of one and slam it on their windshield for a note which is guaranteed to not be blown away in the wind and will even increase the size of your writing if it gets wet!

Don’t have a note board or told someone “a million times” to do something? Writing the message on one of these puppies and stick it to the fridge or their door to get the message across you are fucking god damn serious about whatever it is you’re “on the rag” about!!!!!!!!
7. Covert Curtain Rods
Most curtain rods are hollow and the end caps can be removed. Kids, this is a great place to hide drugs or other illegal items from your parents! Even blinds will work, since the bar at the top usually has a cavity pointed up toward the top of the window out of view.
8. Forging a Signature with Ease
Do you need to forge someone’s signature? Do you want to make it seem like your boss authorized a pay raise or issued you a check? Do you need to make it seem like your parents signed something? Just want to fake a signature to make it seem like a real autograph?

Simply rub the back of the paper with a real signature already on it with pencil. Then, place the signature down where you need it and trace over the original signature. BAM! It’s now transferred in pencil where you can then trace over it once again in pen to make it permanent! Once the ink has dried, you can erase the pencil. Great for getting out of visiting your sick mother in the hospital.
9. Great Looking Abs For Wookies
Great looking abs are hard to get for anyone, but wookies have it particularly rough. With hair covering anywhere between 75% to 99% of their body, even with hard work, diet, and exercise their abs just don’t show through.

So, why bother exercising at all? Simply mark out the correct pattern in hair and take an electric razor to shave it down to skin. Instant Mike Chang’s Six Pack Abs without the work!

Remember: Physical attraction is all an illusion anyway. Drink the beer, eat the fat, and smoke those cigarettes. YOLO!
10. Battery Saving on Smart Phones
This works with any smart phone on any carrier. No, it doesn’t matter if you have an iOS, Android, or Windows based phone. It’s really simple: Put the fucking thing down for ten fucking minutes!

Not only does this tip help the battery last longer, you’re also not being a total asshole to the person or people you’re with because you’re giving them real attention! It’s a two-fer!
11. Lose Weight While Watching TV and Save Money
First, get rid of your 275 channel subscription service. You’re probably only watching four of the channels, at the most, and you’ll be saving an average of $65 a month! Since you will only have a few channels to chose from now, there won’t be any fighting over what to watch. It’ll shut your children the hell up as well as long as you beat them.

Trust me…when you have a limited amount of choice over what to watch and your children are screaming about it, you’re going to take your anger out on something or someone. Your wife can do things for you your children can’t…at least they shouldn’t be doing it! If you need help, you can always solicit my help. Click this sentence for more information (opens in a new window).

Next, get rid of your remote. Now every time you need to adjust the volume or change the channel you will be getting off your backside and walking to your television. Within weeks you could be five pounds lighter!
12. Free Paternity Tests
Children are disgusting creatures which give nothing back to you in return for all the time and money. Take it from me, I’m pretty sure my mother has some sadness in her heart over my existence given some of her reactions to just my writings online alone. You need to make sure a child is yours before you put down one red cent to help the woman’s mother raise it.

The Maury Povich Show, The Test, The Steve Wilkos Show, and many others will administer a paternity test free of charge. Just make sure you have a really good story and set up some drama. These shows won’t take you if you come across well educated and stable. you’re going to need at least one person screaming, someone munching on dirt, and another person to throw a chair in order to get a fight started.

Not only are you going to make sure the little bastard who is about to grow up without a father is yours to abandon and doesn’t belong to someone else, if the failed abortion does turn out to be the “good job” of someone else, then you got to show what a whore the chick is on national television!
13. Security for You and Your Loved Ones
Carry a gun with you. Honestly…why wouldn’t you? Cops are too heavy and depending on where you are, they could take thirty minutes or more to get to you. You’d be dead by then. I’ve had pizza delivered faster than the cops arrived at times.

Don’t like guns? Leave it to the professionals? Would you try to put yourself, your property, or another person on fire out, right? Why wouldn’t you just call the fire department and let professionals handle it?
14. Floral Arrangements on the Dime
Flowers are expensive and figuring out what a nice arrangement would be is a hassle. Luckily, graveyards are a great source for flowers already done up and they’re free to you!

Graveyards have some of the best floral arrangements you can find. Predictably, the graves of dead babies tend to have the absolute best bouquets to choose from. The fresher the better, too. The grave I mean, not the flowers.

If you don’t want to take it from the baby graves…honestly, though, they were babies if they even lived that long so what do they want with flowers…look for any grave which still has pictures of the deceased. You’re also looking for graves which have pristine looking headstones and soft dirt on top.

Really old people aren’t going to have nice floral arrangements since anyone related to them are most likely dead or are entitled shitheads. They also won’t be as likely to have the bouquets restocked as fast and readily as those dead babies.

Well, there you are, life hackers! Get out there and hack at your life for the better, or to ruin it for someone else!

How To Be A Jerk When Shopping

How To:
Be A Jerk When Shopping

A Sunrie Guide

Welcome to another great Sunrie’s How To Guide where many of your questions are answered. Today you’ll be learning how to act like a jerk when shopping. As with all of Sunrie’s How To Guides, you will be taught how to do this with finesse, cooth, and sophistication. You won’t be learning to run down around the store screaming like an idiot, but you will learn what to say when walking into a store and successfully blend into common society!

Just like a junior high school student being introduced to a drug dealer, this first taste is completely free of charge. Please remember you do not have to do all of these things, just some. Be creative: Mix and Match!

Without further ado, here is the guide.

Dumb dee-dumb dumb duuuuuuuuumb!1. Store workers are not people
This guide was going to start off with being instantly confrontational, but the utmost important thing to understand and accept in your brain is the people who work in a store are not people. Not even slightly.

If this guide is to be effective for you at maximum capacity, you must learn to believe those helping you get your precious retail item are dumber than you, slower than you, and not worth the air they are stealing from you. Just like waiters and waitresses, if the people working at the store were worth anything, they wouldn’t be working at the store! After all, anyone willing to assist you with something as mundane as getting a t-shirt is obviously a shit stain on the mark of humanity. If someone is helping you, then you are more important than them.
2. Be instantly confrontational
The moment you walk into a store, be confrontational for absolutely no reason what so ever. This is extremely effective if the retail establishment greets people as they enter. Great places to practice are Wal*Mart and American Eagle since they seem to always have someone at the entrances to politely welcome you in to the store.

What you don’t want to do is scream or yell at the person because doing so could get security called on you. Instead, you need to make snide remarks or a direct, fierce rebuttal to a genuine greeting. For instance, when someone welcomes you into the store, reply with something like, “Can’t I just look around?!” Make sure your voice is elevated as if they are trying to push a sale on you.

If any employee comes up and asks if there is anything they can help you find, throw your hands either up or down dramatically while sighing as loudly as possible, followed up with a statement such as, “I don’t need any help!”
3. Be confused to what store you’re in and what they sell
This is most important when going into store which sell a very specific item, like Guess Jeans, The Apple Store or a gun store. When going into these stores, you need to ask them if they sell the specific item they specialize in.

For instance, when you go into a gun store you need to look at one of the associates and ask, “Do you guys sell guns here?” When you walk into the Apple store, you should ask something like, “So, do you only sell Apple products here or something?” If you’re in Guess Jeans, you need to ask something along the lines of, “Is it possible to get jeans at this store?”

After the person stares at you for a moment, dumbfounded, wave your hands at them for a moment or snap your fingers impatiently. Regardless if you’re being serious or not the sales associate shouldn’t be so rude as to look at you in anything but a happy manner. You’re a guest, etiquette as a guest be damned!
4. Grab two shopping carts or hand baskets / Load your hands up with items
If you’re in a place which has shopping carts or hand baskets, then grab two of them. No, it doesn’t matter if you aren’t in the store to get enough items to fill them with things you want. What you will be doing is filling one with what you want, and then another with random things you have no intention of buying.

Should the store not have shopping carts or hand baskets, then you’ll want to carry as many things as possible around with you. This technique is best suited for clothing stores, where you can drape things over your arms. Anything you want to keep needs to be on top of everything, so you can easily set it aside before you toss everything else on the counter. More on all of this in section 9.
5. Make a stupid joke about what they can help you find…or just be mean
Your jokes never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever, never, never, never, ever, for any reason ever, never, ever get old for people working retail.

When someone asks if they can help you find anything, then give out a joke like, “A million dollars!!!” Be super excited about it, too! If you want to be proactive about it, when you’re greeted, ask something like, “I take it you don’t sell waffles here?!” See, you’re in a place which obviously would not be selling waffles, so it’s gonna be funny. Just make sure you’re in a place which wouldn’t be selling waffles like The Lego Store.

If someone asks how you’re doing, tell them something along the lines of, “I’ll be doing a lot better if you just let me look around.” Have almost no emotion behind it as well. This will instill a sense of dread in the polite employee. This leads us to the next section of the guide…
6. Immediately reject all offers for help
Sales associates are there to help you and are even punished by their employers for not offering assistance, so let them know your distaste for this practice by rejecting their help immediately when you’re approached. Make a bit of a deal out of it, too, as if they are insulting your intelligence level. Remember not to go completely ape-shit about it, though.

As pointed out in a previous section, being visibly upset and saying something along the lines of, “Can’t I just look around?!” loudly is effective, as is sighing so loud everyone in the vicinity can hear you. This lets others know they are encouraged to act in a similar manner, since most employees at retail stores are not allowed to say anything negatively back to you. After all, you don’t want a real confrontation on your hands…you’re a coward, otherwise you’d act like this with strangers in an area where they aren’t bound by corporate policy.
Obama/Biden for Fuhrer 20127. Complain no one is around to help you and don’t directly ask for help
Once you’ve completely rejected all offers for help, it’s time to start looking around for something you can’t find. Since you’ve established yourself as a total jerk who doesn’t want to be bothered, no one is going to help you. It is now your job to wander around like a lost puppy trying to find what you want, but don’t be happy about it.

Every person you come across, make statements about how you can’t find what you want in the store because it’s a terrible layout and then comment how the employees never seem to be helpful. Talk mention how the employees are more interested in talking to each other and running the register…when someone is at the register. I’ll talk more about this later.

Also, if you come across another employee who isn’t helping you and isn’t assisting someone else or stocking at ground level, don’t ask for their help. Instead, stand around with a confused look on your face, constantly looking over at the employee, and/or keep sighing. Another option is to keep walking toward the employee like you’re going to say something, but never do, and just keep walking by them. You don’t want them to know you can recognize who actually works there. This brings us to the next section of the guide…
8. Act like you don’t know who works at the store
The employees at retail stores usually wear a name tag with the store name, a radio, may even be in a specific uniform, and will be doing things such as running the register or stocking items from a flat bed cart full of boxes. IGNORE ALL OF THIS!!!

What you’ll need to do is ask random people in the store if they work there, then be surprised when they say no. If you don’t want to come across as a total idiot to random people and just a jerk, then only do this to the employees. If you see someone in a uniform and/or a stocking items while talking on the radio and/or helping customers, you will want to stare at them with total confusion and ask, “Um…do you work here?”

No one can expect you to use your brain…and besides, since the person you’re asking help from is there to assist you, they aren’t people and therefore their opinions don’t matter. That’s right, their opinion of you is just like a hooker trying to explain your moral shortcomings or a Muslim trying to teach peace…it doesn’t matter. Yep, you just read that. It happened.
9. Dump everything you don’t want on the cashier, be rude and request the price of each item as it is rung up
Now that you’re ready to pay for the few items you actually want, it’s time to dump everything you’ve collected up until this point on the cashier’s counter top if you’re carrying it. If you have two carts or two hand baskets, then make sure they know you have what you want in one, and the one which is completely over flowing with items is what you do not want. Never mind most people don’t collect things they don’t want into a shopping car/hand basket or carry it around awkwardly. What matters is the factyou did.

Don’t forget to tell the cashier how long everything has been taking if there was a line and how you’re in a hurry. Demand they tell their supervisors to add more cashiers, even if all the cash registers are being operated at the time. This is a very effective technique if there are only two registers going because there are only two registers in the entire store. If there are people out and about trying to help people shop, complain there is no one running the register! After all, you didn’t want their help out on the sales floor so they must not be busy. If there really was no staffing on the floor to help you, complain even more that there is no help in the store and demand the management do something about it. Don’t actually request to speak to a manager, and never mind the employee has no control of the situation, just demand the management do something about it.

If there is a long line, make sure the cashier takes care of your wants before your discards. If there is no line, then make them take care of your discards before your wants. Why? Well, making them take care of your wants first when there is a line ensures you’re out of there before someone in the line gets really upset and voices their disdain for you while making them continue to wait. If there is no line, then you can almost be assured by the time the cashier gets finished processing the discards and rings you up, there is now a long line forming behind you!

Make sure you tell the cashier you want the price of each item as they are ringing it up as well. Not only does this hold everyone else up, but you’re making more work for the cashier. As the price is being told to you, think about it for up to five seconds. Five seconds may not seem like a long time, but to the people waiting and the cashier, it will seem like an eternity. If all your items are around the same price, if something is ten cents more expensive than something else, tell them you don’t want it.

Once everything has been rung up and you’re given a total, shout the price in surprise and then ask, “How can that be?!” When the cashier tries to explain, go through your bag and ask them to once again read the price of each item. Be very upset when you give them the form of payment and tell them you can’t believe it’s so expensive for such a small amount of items. Once again demand the employee talk to “corporate” to be more reasonable, add more staff to help on the floor, add more cashiers, and how you’ll never shop there again. Which brings us to the last lesson of this guide…
I am angry for getting what I want!10. Claim you’ll never shop there again
Is it true? Hell no! You’ll be back in three days to return almost everything you bought and then again the following week to do this all over again! You aren’t in it for the abuse…you’re in it to abuse!

You did it! You’ve completed this free Sunrie’s How To Guide! For more free guides check these out:
The Writing Process: A Sunrie Guide
How to Troll: A Sunrie Guide
Driving Tips for One Day a Week Drivers
What To Actually Do in a Relationship
Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time
Many More!

The Writing Process: A Sunrie Guide

The Writing Process
A Sunrie Guide

The writing process can be a long, tedious, or even scary experience if you aren’t prepared for it. Many people find they wish they could write, but end up with severe writer’s block, or worse yet, they simply don’t have the talent. Fear not! For with this guide, Sunrie shall teach you how to write like a pro! Before you know it, you’ll be writing so much you won’t know how you ever got any work done.
1. Get Relaxed
The most important thing you can do for yourself as a writer is be relaxed. There’s nothing worse than being tense when sitting down to put your deep thoughts, as shallow as they may be, down on paper. Make sure you have a comfortable chair and either music which will stimulate those creative juices or absolute quiet, whichever you prefer. If you just can’t seem to get relaxed, step 2 just may help with that.
2. Get Wasted and/or Masturbate
Get yourself some booze and rub one out. Doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, just rub one out. Whatever kind of alcohol you want is what you’ll be using. I don’t care if it’s beer or tequila, just start downing the stuff. Hell, you can even rub one out while drinking for all I care.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “But, Sunrie…does alcohol really help with the writing process?”. The answer is, “Duh!” Ever drunk text someone or had someone drunk text you? Exactly. You get all kinds of ideas and write all kinds of shit when you’re wasted. It’s not going to matter if things are typed out all crazy right now. You can fix all of that later.
3. Get an Idea
If you’re having to write something demanded by a teacher, you shouldn’t be having issues with this as it is. After all, you know what you’re supposed to write about, then why aren’t you writing? Well…if you’re like me, you hate being told what to write and end up with brain lock on the subject. However, that is what the copious amounts of booze and masturbation is for.

You don’t need an idea to start off with thanks to step 2 if you don’t already have a topic given to you. Now that you’re good and wasted, or even sexually satisfied, it’s time to think of an idea. If you’re drunk, this comes pretty easy, but if you just got done spanking yourself, it may be a little more difficult. I can’t help give you ideas, but I can tell you what not to write about:

1. Zombies
2. A Writing Guide
3. Midgets
4. Liberal Propaganda
5. What You Had to Eat
6. The Fact You Just Fucked Yourself

Now, that’s not a full and complete list, obviously, but it’s a start of what you should be avoiding. Moving on!
4. Putting It All Down
This shouldn’t be difficult at this point, especially if you’re wasted. Just start typing what comes to mind. You’re going to edit this all later, so it’s all good in the hood.

Just start writing what comes to your head. Fuck all the need for correct grammar, structure, chronology, or even punctuation. If you don’t spill your thoughts down on paper now while you can still remember them, you’re going be screwed. Hell, if this is a critical paper you must write for a class, you might end up having to spew your brains out all over the walls. Wait…what am I saying…most of you “writers” out there aren’t armed…

Remember, you aren’t actually a pro, you’re just going to be writing like you were one, and all the greats write this way. Do you really think Tom Clancy or Stephen King don’t sit down with a glass of alcohol and just start writing? Seriously, if you do, then you’ve obviously never read any of their books. Tom Clancy’s writings are about as predictably paced and standardized as you can ever imagine and Stephen King’s writings can only come from someone wasted off their ass. Though, to be fair to Stephen King, he was using some awesome psychedelic drugs when he first started, but has cut back to hard booze, and his newer writings show.
5. Fix and Edit
Okay, you did it! You managed to spew all your thoughts onto the page and have completed what you wanted. At this point, you can either leave it, as I suggest, or you can go ahead and edit everything around to make more sense. The choice is yours.
Congratulations! Now all you need to do is repeat the process for each time you want or need to write. Get out there, next superstar of writing!

Posted 1/7/2013 at 4:16 AM on Xanga

Love advice from Love Guru Sunrie

Do you have love problems?  Do you have problems finding love?  Do you have problems just trying to understand how to do things?  Well, fear not!  For Guru Sunrie shall assist you in your love’s labour’s lost!  Unlike others out on the Internet, I am not charging you a single fraction of currency for this type of help.  I do this as a service of love and not a service of profit.

Not long ago I requested everyone on Xanga and on several other sites to send me their love problems so that I may help them.  I have finally been able to compile the answers to the most serious of all the questions.  Worry not, readers, for I have changed the names of all who submitted their problems.  Without further adieu, let’s begin!

Craig’s List Love
From: Wanky Panky
Help me out!

I’m a huge pervert, and so under pseduonyms, I posted ways to contact me for like minded people. I get a message from a guy, saying that his ex is a nympho. Loves sex. She has a boyfriend, but still fools around with him. She just can’t get enough. Heres the problem:  She tells him he should get guys from the internet for her. Turns out, I’m the first guy that he messaged, that is in the area, and isn’t a creep. She looks great, (great pics!) and they’d like to set up a meeting, (In a public place) where we all get to know each other. If things go well, and she likes me, I get to have lots of perverted sex with her.

So, should I go along with it? Or do you think its just a gay guy? Or are they going to rob me? (I have nothing to lose, except my pride.) Please, please, help me Dr. Sunrie.

I thought you said they were looking for someone who wasn’t a creep?  Sounds pretty creepy to me. But, hey, I’ve been told that a guy spanking a Pikachu doll while drunk and naked shouldn’t judge.

I’d say send a friend in your place and watch from a distance.  That way, if they are looking to cut off his balls instead of letting him have sex with her, you can just pretend it’s a reality sex show…and you keep your balls.  If he does get some, then you can join in next time!

Milk Maid Love
From: Nonny
I met a girl at milk bar, but she looked at me like I was an idiot for coming to a bar that serves milk. So I followed her outside, we talked, and then we became girl friend and boy friend…

2 months later…We are still dating but she is acting as if I am not around.  What’s wrong?

You’re obviously spending too much time with her.  Start ignoring her and go out with your friends instead.  Then, when she asks why you aren’t spending any time with her, simply let her know that you lost interest after trying to get her attention.  That or just screw her bestfriend/sister.  That’ll teach her.

Friend Zone
Lovey Dovey Girl
i need some help this guy likes me & he keep’s flritng w/ me but he is going out w/ my friend & i told her wt he was doing but she just lafe at me & said “thats a good 1” but she did tell him to stop w/e he was doing………..i like him to & he’s cute & he just called me becaues she broke up w/ him 4 that but he only does it w/ me she said……so i dont no wt to do because he will proble ask me out tomarro! PLEZ HELP!

Well, all you have to do is call him and say you’re naked when he gets there.  If he shows up, you know he likes you.  If he doesn’t…well he’s gay.

Dumping Ground
From: Junebug
A boy dumped me, and now is saying things that make it seem like he thinks we’re dating. How do I inform him that we aren’t dating, and haven’t been since he dumped me, without causing massive drama?

Stop having sex with him.  That pretty much puts a complete stop to everything.  Don’t pretend you aren’t still screwing, either.

Harry and his Hendersons
Not a Metro
I have been dating this girl for about 6 months now and we have a wonderful relationship. But she doesnt like that Im all hairy, she wants me to shave my back, chest, and…. well you know. Im not a fag, and I like being a manly man, but she wont have sex with me until I do. What should I do?

I’m going to have to side with her on this one.  No one wants to sleep with a bear no matter what the supposed lesson of “Girl Sleeps with Beasts 3” porn wanted to teach you.

However, I’m not so sure you should be going shaving your junk.  I mean, that’s a mark of pride right there.  She should be rather proud of your man-mane.  Also, there’s little more painful than knicking the ‘ole alien brain, if you know what I mean.  Look at it this way: You’ll swim faster, run faster, and even slide out of bed easier.  Just don’t remove your lion’s hair.  Don’t want to look French or anything.  Lastly, you can’t be a big manly-man without having sex; so keep that in mind!

Handcuffs are Rings, Too
Wed Locked
Here’s my situation. I’m married now.  Help me!

Oh man…I’m sorry to hear that.  My only suggestion to you is role playing.  Yes, role playing.  I’m not talking about just any RP, I’m talking true to life, live action.  When she comes in wearing her sexy little genie outfit, put on your mage’s hat and robe, then cast level three sexuality on her.  You won’t be sorry.

Wishy Washy Wuv
Red Almight
I need your advice..There is this girl I like who I get along with really well..I’ve talked to her about going out..But she seems to want to change the subject..But the thing is, Her freind tells me she likes me..Please..What in gods name am I supposed to do!?

Fuck her friend.  That’ll teach the bitch.

The Ink is Permanent
Worcester Sauce
Okay. I was with a girl for nearly 4 years (I was 11 when I met her), I promised her one day I would get a tattoo of her name somewhere on my body. So, on my 15th Birthday I decided to keep to my end of the bargain and got the tattoo, high up on the top meaty part of my thigh.

Obviously most relationships end on a sour note, and ours was no exception. We split, I wanted her back badly. I nagged and nagged and eventually gave up all hope. About 2 months after my ‘giving up’ she come’s back to me and tell’s me she want’s to give it another shot, I tell her to fuck off and we fall out of friendship as well as love.

Present day, I’m 19 and I still love her dearly. I still have the tattoo (which is three letters long ‘PEP’ short for Pepita. Feel free to make the Salt on one leg and pepper on the other joke). Problem is she aint at all bothered and only thinks of me as a mate. Should I get the bad boy covered up and move on? Should I continue having meaningless drunken one night stands? Or should I ask her father to sell her to me for a bag of magic beans?

Cover it up and move on, are you kidding me?  This is your chance to get the tail you could only beg for, my friend.  This is a sure fire way to find out if the next woman is going to be worth it.  I am talking about, of course, an exciting threesome.  If the girl thinks it’s hot or sweet that you have her name on your leg, time to start asking about her sister or her best friend joining you both in the bedroom.  Remember to send me pictures.

Dirty Deeds
Sunrie! Help! My girlfriend is mad at me because I told all my friends about us doing it in the “dirty” hole…you know…the dark ally in the back…  How can I calm her down?!

Allow me to congratulate you on hitting her in the shitter.  Easiest way is to stick a cock in her mouth.  Otherwise, just dump her.  I mean, you already punched in her backdoor, so what more could there be?

There you have it from the mouth of a true master.  Remember, whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right!

Posted 2/18/2013 at 12:34 AM Xanga