Someone needs to nuke the whales

There are some times in this world when something needs to be nuked. Oh, sure, we have North Korea, China, Russia, and almost the entire Middle East, but…that’s so easy. So boring. So…obvious. Nukes are something to be taken seriously. You can’t hug your kids with nuclear arms. You bring down the wrath of God to your children with nuclear arms, after all.

I know what you’re thinking…you’re sitting here asking, “Why nuke the whales?!” The answer is simple enough: Whales have it coming. I’m a great mind reader and know you’re now asking, “HOW?! WHY?!” Well, I already told you the why, and as for the how? I ask you how is it not obvious? Whales think they are so cool. Even cooler than dolphins and three-toed sloths. Yeah, they have that kind of ego problem. Nothing is cooler than a three-toed sloth, not even a four balled midget.

We’ve known whales were a problem for a very long time, but people got lazy and figured we’d done enough of a number on them after the whaling crews drove them to near extinction. How’s that working out for us? Now whales are making a come back. They take over more space than any animal on Earth, and that’s bullshit. There’s also a ton of evidence to suggest they eat giant squid. Do you know how rare a giant squid is? Neither do I, but they must be pretty rare to have only been captured on camera once by the Discovery Channel.

In order to prevent the destruction and extinction as something noble and might as the giant squid, we must finish the job of our forefathers and strike NOW! We must put an end to the whale’s terror of sinking ships, swallowing helpless fish, and destroying the photo-plankton of our oceans! Think of the children, for god’s sake! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Besides…gotta nuke SOMETHING.

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Fixing my blog thanks to Photobucket’s bullshit (s)(t)

So, as many of you out there know, Photobucket has lost their god damn mind and decided people have to pay them $400 a year in order to access their photos and link them online. Unless, of course, you’ve already been paying for a premium service, in which case you can get access to everything until December 2017, then you need to pay the $400.

Photobucket can suck my balls and wipe my asshole with their tongue. For over a decade I’ve been using that service to provide images on my blogs and other sites, but now they decided that’s not good enough. Well, they’re not good enough for me. They aren’t good enough for you, either, especially with so many alternatives out there.

I’m in the process of fixing my blog and uploading my images to better hosting locations, but it’s slow going. I had over 500 images across this blog…holy shit… I’m not the only one furious with them over this, either. Many people have completely deleted their images and their accounts, that way there was nothing left for Photobucket to claim.

Fuck Photobucket. Give them enough room for their $400 elite sacks of shit by deleting everything off their site and deleting your account. This is a severe violation of UDAP (Unfair, Deceptive and Abusive Practices) which every business is held under. Fuck Photobucket in their ass.

If I see another person “dabbing” I’m breaking their testicles

Dabbing. It’s short for “I’m a fucking idiot”. I honestly don’t know how this whole thing got started and I’m not going to waste my time researching it. Why? Because I don’t give a damn how it started, but I’ll tell you how it is going to end: Me breaking their balls.

Not too long ago I finally managed to take a much needed vacation for almost a week. My wife and I spent four days and three nights at Disneyland. It was bad ass. However, I’m not here to talk about the trip in general. Why am I bringing it up? Have patience, little one, for a good story needs a good foundation and build up. Not everything can be handed to you snowflakes.

We had just enjoyed a nice trip through the tour in California Adventure with the sourdough when we decided to get a few pictures by the boardwalk themed section next to where you haul ass on California Screamin’. Blocking our way to taking the picture I wanted of my wife were urchins. Of course, by urchins I mean children. By children, I mean two 12 or 13 year old skeletons covered with skin who do nothing to aid in the progress of the species. The supposed mother of one of these bags of nothingness is encouraging their behavior of taking pointless pictures while blocking everyone’s paths up until one of them says he’s got “a great idea” for photo. What’s his great idea to hold us up with the greatest picture ever? It’s run over to the fake fishing net photo spot, kneel down, bounce up and do a dabbing pose. Yeah, because everyone can fucking see what you did by looking at a still photo, moron.

I wish I was kidding here. The woman took the picture THREE TIMES before they decided it would just be easier if he did the pose and held it while she took the picture. Just so you’re keeping count, two 12/13 year old boys and one woman in her 30’s is the brain power it took to figure this god damn shit out. I responded like any rational man: I grabbed her camera, toss him off the edge of the photo area and took his picture as he fell towards the track and was run over. I then headbutt the mother five times while simultaneously chopping the other one in the throat with the help of my wife who held him by the neck until he lost consciousness. After Security Guard Goofy informed us that was not acceptable and had us escorted out by Oswald Rabbit back into Disneyland, I realized I may have overreacted just a touch.

What I vow to do now is control myself and simply break the testicles of anyone stupid enough to be doing this. I’ve had critical success as of late with the technique as well. Anytime I’m in a club and I see someone doing this, it’s always some moron who thinks they are cool. Bam! One swift shot to the man eggs is all it takes to send a message I, and no one else, is going to put up with this bullshit.

Let’s face it, dabbing is the homosexual bastard with downs syndrome step-child no one actually loves of Tebowing. While Tebowing required a punch to the face, this more dramatic cure is required for something as stupid as dabbing. Putting your arms into a pose like you have cerebral palsy while simultaneously looking like you’re sniffing your own armpit is a sure fire way to signal you deserve what’s coming you way. BAM! Kick to the balls!

Remember, I could be anywhere. Do you really want to risk this? I didn’t think so. Even if I don’t, I’m sure I’ve encouraged someone, or maybe even an entire neighborhood, to just start dick kicking people they see dabbing. The cause is true. The cause is noble. The cause is everywhere. BAM! TESTICLE EXPLOSION!

This could be you. I will make it you. Don’t dab. The more you know!

Democrats might actually have it right for America

Hilary Clinton wins Presidency in Hell!
Turns out, the democrats might actually be on to something with the way they want to run the country. It’s hard for me to admit I’m wrong, so I’m not going to, especially since this is mostly just a thesis at this time. Hear me out and I will guide you into the enlightenment much like Marx did for all of Russia.

While Donald Trump is claiming he wants to make America great again, he’s not doing it in a way the democrats are. You see, the democrats know when America was great and what really made America great: Oppression and segregation of all mud races. KKK? Democrats started it. Segregation? Democrats made it happen. Slavery? Democrats ratified it and fought to keep it. Jim Crow? Democratically created. Government housing and subjugation of minorities? Democrats. Nazis? Left wing, “progressive” (aka Democrat) party. When was America great? When we had those darkies, wet backs, and all them other non-whites under the white man’s thumb. Donald Trump doesn’t want that…he wants to make America strong through hard work, fair international laws, and making people liable for their actions. Screw that when we can just blame the system and the minorities!

Another problem with America right now is it’s still the most appealing place in the world compared to all the other shit countries. Those lazy Mexicants wouldn’t keep coming here if the rich man in the neighborhood was just like where they came from: Owning a three legged goat. Also those dune coons, not to be confused with full on porch monkeys, wouldn’t want to keep bombing and murdering here if we were so financially destroyed that we didn’t want to spread the idea of freedom anymore. This is where the democrats have it right!

See, democrats are smart in the way they’re going to enslave non-whites. They’ve learned over the years people won’t put up with slapping chains on a nigger or beating a Mexican to near death in order to make him work. So, instead, the democrats are smart by making government programs forcing working people, ie the whites, pay them for not doing anything and encouraging them to do nothing. How is this enslaving them? Well, it once again puts them in dependence of the white man who has all the money to distribute. Once the white man once again decides they’re not going to take it anymore, the spear chuckers, sand niggers, spics, and others won’t have any skills in which to get a job to earn their own money, and will be so pathetic they’ll have to do whatever a white dude says in order to make a quarter. Fucking BRILLIANT!

Taking away the guns in America ensures only the criminals will use arms and will terrorize the majority of the citizens, just like down in Mexico where the cartels take over entire towns, rape anyone they feel like, and make people want to flee to America. When it’s happening here, why come here? It keeps people from wanting to come here illegally since there’s no reason to come here at all!

So, yeah, we all have democrats figured wrong. Before anyone gets really upset, remember, I’m a democrat now, so I can say these things. Fuck you, republicans for causing a slow death to America. At least we’re honest in our racism and hate for freedom.

What the shit do I have to do? (s)

So, it’s come to my attention several websites are blocked through network organizations such as Maraki or Apple stores for different reasons. One of these reasons is the classification of “Tasteless”. Some of these sites might be somewhat understandable, such as Ogrish, even if you don’t agree, but then there are others, such as Newgrounds, which don’t seem to fit. This brings me to my problem: Why the fuck am I not on there?

From what I can tell, there isn’t much difference between my writings and what are on most of those sites, especially the like of Something Awful or even Maddox. Sure you might argue the popularity or even writing style, but I swear I’ve stated some much more offensive things for the only reason of shocking someone. I’m kind of offended through all of my effort I haven’t been blocked on any of these filters yet. Hell, even in High School I had my Internet privileges revoked for a site I made which was hosted on the school server. I mean, I was still able to bypass all their security measures and use the Internet at school under a general user and password, but still.

Basically my goal has become this: By the end of the year, I want to be banned from viewing my own WordPress at work and/or on other networks, such as in an Apple store or even from Maraki in general.

This is going to take work. First of all, I won’t be displaying porn or dick picks. Secondly, it’s going to take writing a lot more often and a lot more “offensively”. Third…I don’t know… Fourth is profit in the discontent I have brought upon the world. You kids would do well to remember you measure your impact on the world not by the joy you bring to a few people in your life, but the amount of pain, anguish, and displeasure you have wrought upon a great number of people through both direct and indirect actions!

If I fail, then you all fail, because this is where you all come in. You’re going to need to spread this WordPress like SARS in a Japanese apartment building or AIDs in a San Francisco bakery. (There. That right there is what I was talking about earlier!) Let’s get on my dick to ride this bitch into the sun and take out the entire solar system. I’d say I’m counting on you, but I know I can only count on myself.

Forward. To the end of the world as I braise it in holy fire!

Christmas Songs: Analyzed and Insulted

Ah, Christmas time. I actually really love it. Even though I have more fun during Halloween…and I have yet to get a Christmas tree since I have just gotten home after being gone for a while…I do love Christmas. After all, like most people know, I’m not really a Jew, I’m just kind of Jew-ish.

The one thing which does annoy the hell out of me during this time of year, however, are some of the common Christmas songs we hear over and over and over again. There are some I like, such as Carol of the Bells with no vocals to ruin it, there are others which just annoy the ever living piss out of me. I’m not going to cover some of the ones already done by other popular authors, such as Maddox, so don’t expect to see “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” or “Rudolph: The Red Nose Reindeer”. I won’t even cover “The Grinch; Who Stole Christmas”.

Here are some of the Christmas carols I can’t stand and why. However, before I began, let me start off by saying the name of one of Santa’s reindeer is Dunder not Donner. It’s Dutch for Thunder, you fucking idiots. Lastly, it’s Blixem not Blitzen. His name means Lightening.


The Little Drummer Boy

You know what? Fuck that little drummer boy. He’s one of the reasons the night was anything but silent (I’ll get more on that later). Yeah, this is what every six hour old child wants: Some two year old little twat to show up and start smacking on a drum while they’re trying to sleep!

There’s a damn good reason why God sent Jesus and not me. See, if I was less than 24 hours hold and this asshole showed up banging on his drum while all I wanted to do was sleep after drinking me some breast milk, the world would be very different. I wouldn’t have gone to that cross. The Bible would be dramatically altered because of it. No one would have been saved.

That entire book written about Jesus would have been about three paragraphs long with me and that drummer boy involved. Basically, it would name the child so every future generation knew exactly who fucked it up for the entire world and no one would name their child anything close to it, then after about three sentences it would just be rambling.

Example:

It was then and there the savior was born. Sadness in our hearts, however, as two year old Amani Kivi Bahir came with his drum, pounding on it with all he could, which made the baby Sunrie realize there was nothing to save in this world. A world now forever stuck without the sacrifice of the lamb, we do live in, which meant the chill ass wise men who brought the gold, frankincense and mur never did get their pimped out party with the savior on his eighteenth birthday.

The next two sentences and two following paragraphs would be the scathing rant written by myself. I would not be kind, either. There would be nothing you could do about in religion, either, because the Bible is the word of God. You can’t censor that or you’d be in even bigger trouble than you’d already be in. Yeah. Let that sink in for a bit.


O’ Christmas Tree

Why are people singing to their trees? This is some major pagan bullshit, right here. I’m pretty sure God is pissed off any and every time you sing this. This may be one of those few things that’ll send you to hell!

Is this song to lull the tree into acceptance of it’s fate? You’ve chopped down a tree. You took the tree from its home, friends, and family. You’re making it die very slowly. The whole thing is a major dick move.

Really, the whole act is similar to beating a midget to an inch of its life, giving it an IV drip, dressing it up in a festive manner, and then watching him die an agonizing death. Come to think of it…I may have a new holiday tradition! No one will beat my “Elf on the Shelf”!


All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth

This song is beyond stupid. I don’t think the English language has a word foul enough to describe how annoying this song truly is. Not just the song, but the little girl who sings it, too! It’s so terrible I’m not even going to suggest you look it up when I normally would. Look, I know this is supposed to be a cute story during a time of innocence and simplicity, but I want to gut this kid like Jack the Ripper’s next victim!

The lyrics are annoying as all get out, too. At one point the little bitch actually complains that it’s been “…so long since I could say, ‘Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!'”. What…the…fuck? At what point should that ever come up in a conversation. Why the hell is “sister Susie” sitting on a god damn thistle?! Do I even want to know? I already know there was a time sex toys were near impossible to get, but come on! Even if that’s not the story here, why would it ever be appropriate to say this phrase?

For the love of it all…the whistling in the song takes top spot in the SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU GOD DAMN KID!!!!!! category. The whole thing is forced to make it sound like breath blowing through two missing front teeth. I’ve never known this to happen. Yes, some people have a whistle when they talk, but it’s usually less of a tooth issue and more of a how-the-tongue-is-being-held-in-the-mouth issue.

At the end of the song, bitch cakes tries saying “Wish you a Merry Christmas”, but keeps failing. Yeah, just like her parents failed at giving birth to a functional child who will ever hope to benefit society, she fails at saying a simple phrase. What does she do? Well, she screams, “A HAPPY NEW YEAR!” instead. Excuse me? How the fuck is that hard to say without missing any two front teeth? She obviously can do it no problem, and it’s completely out of line for the song itself.

I think for New Years she’s going to need all of her god damn teeth if she doesn’t keep her mouth shut around me.


Silent Night

Remember what I said about the night being anything but Silent? Yeah, this is it. The song talks about how it’s a silent night, but I know the truth, and now you will, too. You may want to take notes, but you can always use this as reference, so…whatever.

How the hell can there have been a silent night when we have, according to multiple other accounts through song, angels singing, a little boy banging his drum, Santa Clause shouting his catchphrase, reindeer rattling bells, a full on carol of bells, a woman screaming from child birth followed by a newborn screaming, three wise men chatting it up with the new parents, and a manger full of baying animals?! That night, much like the slow pending divorce of your parents, was anything but silent.

Honestly, how could anyone confuse the first Christmas, which wasn’t even on December 25th, with having a silent night? Sorry, but Franz Xaver Gruber was a total dipshit. A real song about that night would be screaming death metal along the lines of Schatten Aus Der Alexander Welt. What? The song is by a band called Bethlehem. Seems appropriate given the topic. Screw you.


I could go on a few more, but I’m sure you get the point. If you don’t, well, whatever, like I care.

Merry Christmas. Don’t let the Muslims blow you up.

Open letter from Rockstar Games marketing department

As an avid game journalist with one of the highest integrity ratings around, I was privy to receive an open letter to the gaming community from Rockstar Games, written by Take-Two Interactive’s marketing department. While the contents may shock some people, I’m not surprised with the attitude.

Rockstar Games was founded in 1998 to create the most innovative and progressive interactive entertainment, and some people have found ways of cheating in order to ruin the game for everyone else in a server…But it doesn’t matter, because our games are on the cover of multiple magazines and posters. Look how cool our characters from Grand Theft Auto V look holding those guns while surrounded by expensive cars. If you play our game online and give us more real money to afford our expensive virtual items, you’ll be that cool, too. And chicks will dig you.

At Rockstar Games, we allowed you to go online with a bunch of people, just like a bunch of other companies have done, dating back to 1996. However, ours is better, because we charge you astronomical prices for in game items in order to make you buy our Shark Cards. Because you suck, and we hate you.

You gave us $1.8 billion US in three days for Grand Theft Auto V. It may have been buggy, it still doesn’t include half the features we promised, and most of you can’t afford our in game items, but that’s your fault. If you were real fans and real gamers, you would love everything we’ve done to the game and to you. Once again, look at those new items we released in the Flight School update. You know you want those items. If you were a real gamer and a real fan, you would have enough money from grinding every hour of every day, only playing our game, or you’d buy our Shark Cards for $50 US a piece until you could afford it. And by the way, check out those cuts to the jobs we did for doing them fast and efficiently instead of wasting time. If you were really a true gamer and fan, you wouldn’t mind it. Plus, we interviewed 100 people and they all like it without complaining. Real fans would lick our boots clean, give us their entire paycheck, and tell everyone to do the same. If you don’t like it, that’s because you’re not a true fan nor gamer.

By the way, our expensive in game items like the Milijet and Buzzard Attack Chopper, are the bestest things ever, and totally worth the asinine scalped prices, but note that any other company which does this with their games, like Capcom, are commie jerks. Not that it matters, because you bought our game and we want more money from you. Because you suck, and we hate you, but you know you’ll keep coming back, eventually breaking down and buying our Shark Cards. We can continue to beat you down like Chris Brown does to Rhianna, but you’ll come back…you always do.

Buy more Shark Cards or we’ll keep removing your ability to earn money effectively in the game.

Sincerely

Take-Two Interactive Marketing Department by care of Rockstar Games. Because you suck. And we hate you.