Monetization practice for Borderlands 3 has been leaked…and it’s not good news

When Borderlands 3 was announced to release on September 13, 2019 the Internet lost their minds. This made not only Randy Pitchford happy to the point he actually discouraged his employees from openly insulting any customers for 24 hours on Twitter, but Strauss Zelneck (CEO of Take-Two Interactive) was so overwhelmed by the reactions he immediately began shoving endangered species full of money to preserve them on his walls and smoking cigars wrapped in $100 (USA) bills.

Microtransactions have been the source of massive contention in the gaming world for consumers. Few games lend themselves to the absolutely abusive nature as the Borderlands franchise. As if we needed specific proof to the greed of Take-Two Interactive and the gaming industry in general, the monetization practice for Borderlands 3 has been leaked and let’s just say it’s not good for the consumers. Originally released by Kojaku Magazine, a somewhat controversial gaming webzine, these are the following microtransactions they claim will be available in the upcoming Borderlands 3 game.

  • Eridium in blocks of 5, 10, 20, and 100
    Players will have the option to purchase the first premium currency, Eridium, in groups to make upgrades at a faster rate.

  • Seriph Crystals in blocks of 1, 5, and 10
    Players will have the option to purchase the upgraded premium currency, Seriph Crystals, which are required to update guns to higher levels and provide increased bank and player backpack space.

  • 100% Upgraded Backpack Space
    Players will be able to upgrade their Vault Hunter to carry the maximum number of weapons and items immediately, however, until the player reaches level 25 in game, the space will be provided at intervals every 5 levels until they reach their maximum. This frees up Seriph Crystals for use in other areas.

  • 100% Bank Space Upgrade
    Players will be able to upgrade their bank space to maximum immediately.

  • Gun Upgrade in blocks of 1, 3, and 5
    Players will be able to purchase an immediate upgrade to their weapon, bringing the power and stats up to their current level. Players can purchase one, three, or five upgrades at a time in order bring up to five guns to their current level.

  • Increased Ammo Capacity (All Weapons)
    Players have the option to purchase the ability to carry the maximum amount of ammo immediately instead of collecting Eridium for the upgrade in-game. Until level 25, players will be given the upgrade every 5 levels until the maximum has been reached.

  • Area Unlocks
    Players will be able to unlock other areas in the game without having to collect Eridium to power the keys.

  • Character Level +1, +5, +10
    Players have the option to level up their characters by one, five, or ten levels in order to beat areas they may be having trouble with. 

  • Skill Points +1, +2, +3
    Players have the option to get skill points without having to level up. This does not add skill points to characters, and instead grants the skill points early.

  • Retro Warriors (Individual/Group Pass)
    Not included in the Season Pass, this allows players to buy characters from past games to use in the Borderlands 3 during a New Game+*.

  • New Game+
    This allows a player to start the game all over, as a level 1, but with access to all weapons, items, and areas previously unlocked. All items, weapons, and areas will maintain their original power and levels, but will be usable immediately.

  • Remove Level Requirement
    Playesr have the option to remove the level requirement from a weapon they have found if they do not currently meet it.

  • Ultimate Vault Hunter
    This allows the most aggressive challenge to those who want it! Enemies level scale as high as your character does and provides increasingly better loot.

  • Second Active Character
    Players have the ability to run two character saves at the same time instead of having to archive their previous character.

  • New Characters To Be Announced
    These will be available separate from the season pass and will be announced at a future date.

Are we honestly surprised at this point to the extent of greed these gaming companies have? Maybe things can be changed much like the EA Star Wars: Battlefront 2 fiasco was. Only time will tell.


ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Sunrie is the editor-in-chief and head writer for Ramblings From the Sunrie and has been since the founding of the site since it first appeared on Open Diary, then on Xanga, and now on WordPress.

Understanding the Dangers of Furries – Think of the Children!!!

Mmm *moan* Oh yeah! Look at that anthropomorphic wolf up there. Does that turn you on? Yes? Then congrats…you’re a furry! No? Then, according to the furry community, you’re just a hater and uneducated. It’s time for you to get to know about furries, my dear reader, and think of the children.

People who find animals sexually interesting are known by a few names:

  • Furries
  • Fursons
  • Fur Fags
  • Sick Individuals with a Bestiality Fetish

All of these are fitting. Yes, even the third one. Why? Because the biggest group of people who are into this fetish are homosexual males. That’s not important, though. Why not? Because I’m writing this and I said so!

Here’s a break down on each of those bullet points above:


Furries

fur·ry
/ˈfərē/
noun (informal)
noun: furry; plural noun: furries

1. an enthusiast for animal characters with human characteristics, in particular a person who dresses up in costume as such a character or uses one as an avatar online.

Furries will create and wear costumes in order to live out an anonymous fantasy. You will see them shopping, eating, working, and skipping down the street. Just because they call themselves furries, it does not mean the animal they “become” actually needs to have fur. A subgroup of the furries is the Other Kin members who are sexually attracted to any type of animal, such as sharks or hairless moles.

Most of the community will also engage in massive orgies, known as Yiffing, while wearing the outfits they made. In true hedonism, they will gorge themselves on wine and food before exploding into a flood of ravage sexual acts. If you are in the area when the Yiffing starts, then you will often be pulled into against your will.

Online, you will find communities dedicated to the fetish. Several of these websites are dedicated to hiding the true nature of furries by pretending they are just in it for “escapism” (more on this in Fursons). Nothing could be further from the truth. The furries are known to hijack entire kid friendly programs and turn them into a highly sexualized version targeted to lure in children and groom them to the lifestyle. Of all the examples, the most profound is what they have done to My Little Pony and have called themselves Bronies. Again, the vast majority of the fan base is homosexual males trying to attract underage children.


Fursona

A combination of the word “person” and “furry”. Furries believe a person who wants to be an animal, or feels they are actually an animal trapped in a human body, or just wants to have sex with animals without actually having sex with animals, should be a protected class and another “sexual spectrum”, such as homosexuality. They do this in order to normalize their behavior and groom children.

Expanding on the Furson definition is what’s called a Fursona. The Fursona is what the person becomes, or as they claim “what the person actually is”, when wearing the outfit or engaging in the fetish. This is a combination of the words “persona” and “furry”. Seeing a trend here with the naming scheme they have come up with?

Furries claim this is all nothing more than a form of escapism. A person’s Fursona can be an “on all the time” issue even when not in costume. Because furries believe they really are these animals, they will often behave in the same way, always being their Fursona. You’ll see them chasing cats if they “are” a dog, hissing at dogs if they “are” a cat, or masturbating up to eight hours in one sitting if they “are” a mink.


Fur Fags

As mentioned before, the largest group involved in this fetish is homosexual males. The ratio of homosexual males to the rest of the community currently sits at 9:1, followed by homosexual females at 3:1, bi-sexual sitting at 2.8:1 and heterosexual sitting at 0.3:1. These numbers should come as no surprise to anyone, and is the origin for the term.

A large number of the furry community wear the term Fur Fag as a badge of honor and will identify themselves as such instead of being a furry. Even when being a furry and/or being a homosexual has nothing to do with what is at hand, they will quickly identify themselves as such and make sure you understand being a homosexual and a furry is everything they are. Again, they do this to normalize homosexuality, bestiality, and to groom children.

One of the most famous furry fetish members is known as Sonic Roxy Foxy, real name Damion MacDean. He is a high level fighting video game competitor, and almost always wears his furry costume to the tournaments. When he wins, he throws his controller down and screams, “YOU GOT BEAT BY A FURRY AND A FAGGOT!!!!!” His entire personality is that of a furry and a homosexual. Damion MacDean is pushed by many fighting game communities as someone to look up to, further pushing the agenda on children. The Street Fighter Pro-Tournament, Mortal Kombat World Tournament, and Tekken: Iron Fist Match Makers Tournament all use him as a draw to get people watching.


Sick Individuals with a Bestiality Fetish

As mentioned before, one of the biggest reasons people get into the furry community is to act out ravenous sexual conduct with as many anonymous partners as possible, but that’s not all. The entire community is rife with antisemitism and anti-Christianity ideology. The furry fetish is sick on many levels.

First off, the sexual deviation. Furry conventions are literal breeding grounds. Members show up, start to over indulge in food and alcohol, often large amounts of illicit drugs are used, and entire side rooms are filled with multiple partners having sex with each other with no other attempt at privacy. Since everyone is encouraged to join in at anytime, doors will be left wide open for the viewing pleasure of those walking by.

Bestiality is at the core of it all, as most furries will admit to being unable to find the human form attractive. While they often don’t have a preference for their sexual partner’s costume (being a wolf doesn’t mean they will not have sex with a rabbit, for instance), they simply cannot have sex without the other person being in animal form. Most drawings and photos of furries within their communities, therefore, are done in this way. The front sides of communities are often done in a seemingly family friendly way in order to bait children deeper in their depravity.

Antisemitism runs rampant in the furry community. Often times they will draw their characters in Nazi-esque style outfits when they actually wear clothing. Their favorite stories are claimed to be 1984 and Animal Farm by George Orwell. They do not see those stories as cautionary tales, however, and instead refer to them as “basic guides on how to build an ideal world”. Their favorite documentary/non-fiction is always listed as Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler as well. Most of this is hidden from the direct eyes of the public as they require “initiations” to be part of the deeper community in order to keep out prying eyes.


I hope you certainly have a more detailed understanding to the dangers of furries and will think of the children! I certainly am.


Okay…some of you really need to stop thinking of the children! That’s not what I meant!!!

Comic Heroes No One Wants!

Not too long ago I once again rediscovered my love for comics. Actually, not comics as much as graphic novels. I did, however, enjoy Injustice vs The Masters of the Universe and the Mortal Kombat X comic. I only got to issue of 26 of Preacher before I had to stop reading. The Killing Joke was amazing for being a comic which began and ended in its own single volume, but wasn’t as long as a graphic novel. I loved Kick Ass and desperately awaiting the ability to read the next installment, which I believe is issue 4. Watchmen was pretty dang good, too.

Because I am a writer I recognize what it takes to write a good story and present a great comic character. I may not be a great illustrator, but I have my own style which I find satisfying enough. With all this talent, I have been trying to get a few comics launched through DC, Marvel, and Dark Horse. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here…no one wants my creations! Here, take a look at these ones. I’m sure once you do, you’ll demand any number of comic publishers to let me make these on a large scale.

Clicking on the images will open a new tab allowing you to view the image in full HD glory!


Name: Razor Willi
Power: Super Strength, Phallus Turns Into A Scythe, Immunity to General STDs and AIDS
Secret Identity: Peter Dickson (Stage name, actually Liam Karlsson)
Nation: Swedish, but currently living in America
Day Job: Porn Star
Age: 27 years old
Catch Phrase: “When I unleash the main vain, it’s time for some pain!!!”
Background: His impoverished family left Sweden in search of a promise and a dream. Once they reached America, they found the dream and promise to be everything they hoped for. His father soon ran a chain of popular adult shops and used it to seed a second business, in which his mother ran, where they made a line of extremely popular vibrators. Not wanting to be nothing more than a figure head for either business, Liam decided to use his natural talents (those being able to get an erection at will…and a rather large one) in order to pursue a new course in life: Mega porn star.

Tragedy struck the first day of his premier role, however. Several armed thugs entered into the house they were filming, demanding everyone into one room. Turns out, the director and producer owed some really seedy people some money for all the investments they made in the movies. When one of the gunmen stated they were there to collect from everyone to recuperate some of the funds or kill those who couldn’t pay something up, Liam sprang into action and so did his penis. The increased blood pressure and fury channeled straight to his dick and it immediately grew to an offensive side, as well as taking on the shape of a scythe. One gunman was instantly beheaded and the other had both his hands cut off. Liam had saved the day!

From that day on, he began to make super hero themed porn movies, but quickly grew tired of only pretending. Now he takes to the streets using his super hero name, Razor Willi, and continues to star in porn under the name Peter Dickson. When asked why he doesn’t have a true secret identity, he simply tells people, “What’s the point of hiding when you have this much meat?”


Name: Jihad Jimmy the Fabulous
Power: Immune to Suicide Bombing (Specifically, not all explosions), Immune to Sand Storms, Immune to Waterboarding
Secret Identity: Azhaan Kakazai
Nation: Pakistan
Day Job: Resident Imam
Age: 34 years old (Earth Time) / 87 years old (All Time)
Catch Phrase: “Strong. Fierce. FABULOUS! ALLAH HU-AKBAR!”
Background: Azhaan Kakazai was heading to a Jewish preschool in order to do his Islamic duty of murdering them all when his truck was struck by a meteor. Unbeknownst to him, a forbidden power was residing in this meteor. He was taken to the land between and held in meeting by the alien virus, Glugarnock. Azhaan spent fifty two years in conference with Glugarnock in which they came to an agreement which satisfied both. Glugarnock agreed to provide immunity to self inflicted explosions, all sand storms, and to be immune to waterboarding, however, Azhaan would be forced to reveal his true self to all anytime he used his powers.

Azhaan Kakazai knew this would be a death sentence, as his true self was a huge, flaming homosexual. He did everything he could to keep it a secret, as Islam forbid homosexuality upon the very real threat of death. Glugarnock promised he would provide him with the ability to continue hiding his true self until the power was about to be used. Azhaan agreed and so, Jihad Jimmy the Fabulous was born…or should we say converted.

Jihad Jimmy the Fabulous continues to fight against all infidels who will not convert to his way of thinking. The irony of being considered an infidel since he’s so obviously overtly and openly gay is completely lost to him. The only thing which matters is those who aren’t Muslim are killed, and since he can blow himself up as much as he wants, he doesn’t ever really worry about being discovered. Those who have witnessed him in action often describe a colorful blur followed by a massive explosion. He’s a true hero to the Muslim children and the most progressive super hero ever written.


Name: Pink Blackhole
Power: Creates a Singularity from her Gaping Vagina
Secret Identity: Brittany Pfifer
Nation: America
Day Job: Secretary
Age: 191/2 years old
Catch Phrase: “I have a pussy pass and I’m going to use it!” and “DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY!”
Background: Brittany Pfifer was a slut. That is to say she was the slut to end all sluts. The sluttiest slut to ever slut up a slut for another slut. That’s how much of a slut she was. Not to slut shame her, though, as how much a slut she was is a recorded fact. Just so everyone understands, by the time Brittany was 16 she had been with 127 different boys and men, multiple times each. Unfortunately for Brittany, by the time she turned 19 and had been with 398 different boys and men, as well as three women, two goats, and five horses, she met her 399th “man”. This man was actually Stephan Vika Dronbox from the Piscium system and wanted her for his own.

At first (the three hours they were alone together for the first day) she went along with it, but began to slut around again. Stephan Vika Dronbox was not a creature to be trifled with, and upon finding her in the bathroom of a Wendy’s fast food restaurant screwing one of the workers, her 400th, he lost all control. He killed the coworker, blew up everyone else in the Wendy’s and beamed them both to his ship in orbit.

Brittany thought it was going to be all fun and games when she was strapped down to a table, unable to move, until Stephan Vika Dronbox told her that if she felt she could never have her pussy full enough, he was going to make sure it was never full again. She didn’t know what he meant until she awoke later and went to cram a cucumber her her snatch as an appetizer. Before her very eyes, her vagina opened up into a blackhole and sucked the cucumber deep into the event horizon, never to be seen again.

Brittany has vowed to “break the patriarchy for doing this to her” and used her curse as a blessing to do so. She screams out at pro-life rallies and literally swallows mean whole into her infinitely vast cunt if they so much as ask her to dance or ask her out on a date. It’s her body, therefore her choice, so she uses her female privilege and misconception of gender equality to get what she wants. Well, that and her pink taco blackhole.


Name: Iron Baker
Power: Entire Body Turns to Iron (except head), Secretes Olive Oil from Hands and Feet, Turn Baking Tools Into Deadly Weapons
Secret Identity: Jabari Jackson
Nation: America
Day Job: Baker
Age: 24 years old
Catch Phrase: “Let’s make it a baker’s dozen!”
Background: Jabari Jackson was well on his way to making a name for himself in the Wisconsin baking world when tragedy struck. He had been promised some exotic ingredients by a supplier he had never heard of before. Jabari was extremely excited to get started using these new ingredients in order to skyrocket to first place during a baking tournament. He just knew he was going to come up with flavor profiles no one had ever tasted before.

When the ingredients arrived, he tore open the boxes and was hit in the face by multidimensional beams of light, transforming his body and filling him with black rage. His body turned hard as iron, except for his head, and he began to uncontrollably secrete olive oil from his feet and hands. The whisk and measuring spoon he was holding transformed into fearsome weapons of power. Running into the night in a fit of black rage, he took down three muggers and stopped a bank robbery.

Over time, Jabari learned to harness his powers and black rage to his advantage. It has come in handy several times during a traffic stop, preventing him from being murdered by a trigger happy police officer. He’s also able to use his fearsome weapons to churn out baked goods no one else can reproduce and has become more famous than Julia Child and Gordon Ramsay.


So, how about that?! I’m sure you agree with me it’s confusing as all get out why the big three publishers won’t touch my creations. Let’s get a petition started. With the release of Captain Marvel, you’d think they’d be all over Pink Blackhole at least!

10 Things You Didn’t Know You Can Do in Red Dead Redemption 2 – Number 9 Will Blow You Away!


The latest epic by Rockstar Games has been out for some time now, and it’s no surprise there are a ton of things players have found out you can do that wasn’t stated outright. Just like in Grand Theft Auto 5, many secrets have been found and solved. Everything from actual aliens to Yetis has been proven to be in the game. We’re not here to talk about Easter eggs, though. Here’s a list of things players have found out they can do in epic, and realistic, fashion.

Oh, and there will be spoilers on number ten. Be warned!


1. Use your lasso on larger animals for quick, clean kill
Tired of tying to get the perfect shot on deer, elk, pigs, bears, goats, sheep, and dogs? Toss out your lasso and walk towards them. They will be locked in place and enable you too get a clean kill with a prompt once you are close enough. Don’t run out of stamina, though!

 

2. Herd Sheep / Become a Shepard
Ever wanted to live your life not as an outlaw, but as a Shepard? Well, now you can! Yes, that’s right. You can epic murder a family running a farm and take it over. Afterward, you can herd their sheep or sheep you have found in the world into corrals and raise them. There is an incredibly detailed breeding system built into the game, almost as if Rockstar Games was hoping you would find this and play the game this way. Once you’ve figured out the breeding, you’ll want to start entering them into animal shows and selling off wool, as well as mutton, for money. It’s the fastest way to get a wife in the game as well.

 

3. You can change your horse follow distance with a whistle
Want your horse to be right up on your butt? Then tap the up arrow. Want your horse to follow a bit further back? Then hold the up arrow. This gives you distance options at the tap or hold of a button.

 

4. Self Reflection and Loathing
There are a lot of deep themes in RDR2. Players have found out Arthur Morgan can self narrate and find loathing in his actions by looking in a mirror. If you rent a hotel room for the night, you will be given the ability to look at the mirror. Arthur Morgan will then go on a monologue, the length of which will depend on how long it’s been since your last self confession. Be warned, though, if you’re in the epilogue and haven’t done this, the dialogue will be at least thirty minutes long…even longer if you’ve played an outlaw.

 

5. Punch Horse in the Testicles / Vagina for Funny Dialogue Options
Rockstar Games was very happy and proud of itself when they talked about how the testicles on a horse would shrink in the cold weather. What they didn’t tell people, however, is the hilarious dialogue options you get when you punch a horse in the testicles or the vagina! Here’s a video and transcript of it happening when out with oft hated Micha:

*Arthur Morgan punches his horse in the testicles*
Arthur Morgan: HAHAHA! Look at ’em go!
Micha: You know they’re good for more than punching, Morgan.
Arthur Morgan: What the hell are you on about now, Micha?
Micha: I’m just saying you can do more than, you know, punch them like that. There’s more you can do to a horse’s dangling bits.
Arthur Morgan: Micha…you’re too god damn strange for me.
*Arthur Morgan then kicks Micha’s horse in the vagina. Micha is bucked off and the horse begins to prance around making lots of noise*

 

Arthur Morgan: HAHAHAHAHA! I guess you’re right, Micha


6. Have Lunch with a Soiled Dove
Probably the most controversial of all mechanics in the newest Red Dead Redemption game is how you must keep Arthur’s weight up by eating and drinking. Turns out, it opens up a lot of options players didn’t know about before. Playing as a nice person as opposed to a rogue allows you to have lunch with several prostitutes, known as soiled doves at the time. As long as you helped to build the church in the second free range mission of the game (and attended at least two of the sermons), you will be able to hire one of these girls and…have lunch with them in order to talk about the wonders of Jesus. If your charisma stat is high enough when you do this, you will be able to save the soil of one of these once damned ladies. The “redemption” part of Red Dead Redemption 2 isn’t just about Arthur Morgan after all.

 

7. Use the Restrooms
Eat too much and you’ll be forced into one of the many standing outhouses.

8. Ride with a Gang
One of the biggest surprises in the game is the ability to ride with an gang of outlaws! That’s right! You no longer have to play the character in a linear fashion. Unlike the first game in the series, in which you played Jack Marston (who is in the game as a little kid, by the way), as you left your banking job for a life on the prairie to be a farmer, you can now choose to be a gang member instead. This does, however, require you to play the game like a rogue almost all the time. You’ll be doing everything from kidnapping to burning down farms, plus everything in between. While you may never get to be the leader of the gang, no matter how high your intelligence and charisma stat, the leader is a charismatic person. Just have some god damn faith in him.

 

9. Shoot Guns!!!
It’s not easy to learn how, but once you figure it out, you’ll have the time of your life shooting guns! Rockstar Games avoided the majority of the controversy by allowing your character to actually be able to not only shoot but buy and legally own firearms at all (not even a background check to keep everyone safe!!!) by making it hard to figure out. Not only can you buy guns, but also the bullets to use them! This is all thanks to the game taking place in a fantastical American setting. Once you locate the buildings which sell the guns, you can simply walk in, buy one, buy the bullets, and walk out of the building with it…in mere seconds. It was truly the Wild West!

 

10. Fly Like Superman
The strangest of all things people have figured out. Turns out…Arthur Morgan is a super hero! Why most players didn’t realize this is not completely surprising. There is a very quick mention of it during the tenth mission in Level 8, which comes in around 10 hours of gameplay without doing side missions:

Annabelle: Oh, Mister Morgan…I just wish you’d fly me out of here like you did in the old days.
Arthur Morgan: You and I both know that was a long time ago. This bird is caged…not that I don’t think about it every now and again, mind you.
Annabelle: Well, if you ever find those happy thoughts again, let me know. I remember sitting on top of that waterfall with you for hours.

Most everyone figured this was just poetic imagery between the two ill-fated love birds. Nope! Turns out, if you go to Donner Falls during the exploration phase, you get a prompt to “meditate” and a pretty cool cutscene. We won’t spoil it all here, though. Go see if for yourself. Fast travel was cut because you don’t need it when you can fly at high speeds!


Well, there you have it. Ten things you probably didn’t know you can do in Red Dead Redemption 2. Are there any we missed? Are there anymore you have discovered? Let’s us know in the comments!

Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts in 2018

It’s Christmas time once again! Snow is falling. Children are trying their best to be good. Parents are doing their best to beat people to the “must have toy” of the year. And once again W.A.T.C.H. has put out their Christmas list for the most dangerous toys of 2018…but they missed the most obvious ones. Why? Because they’re more concerned with what is going to make the most money and being a hater than actually caring about the children. Why won’t anyone else besides me think of the children!?

If you find any of these under your tree, instantly call child services on Santa.


1. Omega Spay and Neuter Kit: For Science!
This toy comes with multiple clamps, scissors and scalpels. Included are full color detailed instructions on how to spay and neuter multiple kinds of animals. Everything anyone could ever want in order to start performing surgery is included thanks to the “bonus tools” supplied. This is made by the company, Omega, who is responsible for the Planned Parenthood toy line, which includes the “Home Abortion Kit” and “Margaret Sanger with baby karate chopping action”.

I mean, seriously? W.A.T.C.H. puts out a buyer beware over a plastic knife and magnetic fruit, but doesn’t even care about this? Sure the toy line might not be all that popular, given that Planned Parenthood is about killing babies before they can be old enough to play with the toys, but the fact this comes with real metal tools is just a little more than concerning. I can’t even imagine what’s going to happen when the little ones run out of neighborhood pets to have “fun” on. Once they realize the tools work on any and all creatures, there’s sure to be a rash of surprise vasectomy and tubal ligation come New Year’s Day! Nice over look there, W.A.T.C.H!


2. Ariel’s Expression Exercise Pole
“When Ariel lost her voice, she had to find a way to get the Prince to kiss her…and she found a way to do so while earning her keep!” reads the back of the package. This is a regulation sized “exercise pole” and comes with techno remixes of Under The Sea, Kiss the Girl, and Poor Unfortunate Souls, along with eight stacks of hundred dollar bills in order to “make it rain up in here”.

I’m all for women expressing themselves be it in the kitchen or in the bedroom, but this is not an exercise pole. Let’s call it what it is, a dangerous metal rod capable of blunt force trauma and serious fall injuries! There is ZERO safety equipment to keep the little ones from falling as their sliding up and down or spinning around this pole. Adults have the developed muscles in order to make this safer, and sexier, but children do not. This whole thing is a law suit waiting to happen. Let’s hear it for another Disney fuck up.


3. Plasma Blaster 2700
According to the box: You’ll be the talk of the town with your authentic plasma blaster! This bad boy produces enough power to drop any future threat thanks to producing a balmy 57,762,237.76 degrees Kelvin plasma charge. The founding fathers didn’t fight to give you the right to own just muskets and for hunting! Rated ages 5 and up. Brought to you by your friends at the The Oneiroi Collective.

I’m all for having cool weapons, but are five year olds really responsible enough to handle something which produces energy around five tons of TNT? While I’m impressed they were able to get the energy to produce this weapon in such a small device, I just don’t feel that melting your target is great for the environment. Not to mention the replacement cartridges are extremely expensive, and are quite heavy. This should be a pass. Instead, think about getting a laser pointer for the kid and tell them to make “Pew Pew!” noises.


4. Bunny Snapper
We’re supposed to believe this is actually a game for the entire family to enjoy while teaching you to be cautions. What I believe is this toy teaches is distrust of rabbits. Nothing good can come of this and the rabbit is not robust enough for very many plays. The value versus dollar amount here is just not high enough to recommend it.

Probably the worst part of this game is how rusty the trap is. While sharp, the jaws on the trap are also incredibly rusty. I can’t help but feel the manufacturer simply went into the woods and collected a bunch of abandoned traps or even went to an antique store to save money instead of making their own. Tetanus is a real threat and this game is going to lose what fun there is the moment anyone catches it.


5. Cat-apult Ultra 7
Let’s start off with the obvious, shall we? This isn’t a catapult…this is an RPG launcher. That alone is a red flag. I mean, if the manufacturer can’t even tell the difference between a catapult and what is essentially an RPG-7, but for cats, then how do they know safety? Spoiler alert: They don’t and can’t.

Almost everything about this stupid toy is wrong! Not only did they name it wrong, but the images shows the cat getting launched from what should be the back of the launcher! I know some concessions had to be made in order to cram a full grown cat into the thing, but this is an oversight that cannot be ignored. The trigger system is clumsy to use, resulting in firing the furry critters when and where you don’t intend to do so.

We test every toy we review, and let me tell you, I lost count how many cats I slammed into the outside testing fence instead of launching them over it because of the awkward design of this product. Also, anything smaller than a full grown cat isn’t very effecting and can result in injuries and damage to those around you, as well as the toy. Large squirrels work if they are smashed down far enough, as well as larger puppies, such as Labradors, but anything smaller, such as kittens, chihuahuas or even young pugs just don’t work right.


Well, there you have the actual most dangerous and dumb Christmas presents of 2018. I don’t understand how every other watch group out there keeps missing these or just flat out ignoring them. I actually care about people and toys which cause harm, so I will continue to bring these to you as needed. Merry Christmas!!!

Want to group up for the Last Wish Raid? Here’s the rules for LFG!

If you want to join the raid, these are the requirements:

  1. Raid 25+ clears (THIS RAID ONLY!!!!!! and I check)
  2. 610 Light – if you don’t know how to do this, then you don’t need to raid
  3. Crucible K/D of 2.87 (not KA/D!!!!!! and I check)
  4. 45+ flawless Trials (I check)
  5. Microphone with a feedback problem
  6. Scream at your girlfriend/wife who is upset about the baby is crying while the dogs are barking and a secondary TV is playing in the background so loud you can’t understand what’s playing, but sounds like it’s in our own living room
  7. Leave the group while screaming profanities after causing the first wipe
  8. “BRB. Food” after first encounter while you make your character run in circles to prevent an AFK kick and take 60+ minutes to come back since you left to go get something two towns over
  9. Explain an encounter strategy in almost unintelligible English while basically swallowing your mic to ensure it’s over modulated and then refuse to explain it again while insulting everyone else in perfect English then leave
  10. Take a bong rip every 2 minutes during encounters and then cough so loud no can one hear the call outs
  11. Talk to people on your stream with an open mic to the raid encounter confusing all of us as to what is going on and then make fun of us with your subscribers as we get upset at you
  12. Between encounters, take your wireless headset with you into the bathroom and give birth to a massive chocolate mud baby…please, please, please be sure to make lots of noise and do not wash your hands – if we hear running water besides the flush you will be kicked
  13. HAVE FUN!!!!!

By the way, I am fireteam leader and have never done a raid before on any game. I’ll need you to Sherpa me. I do NOT have a microphone. We will run it five to six times for gear. Thanks! NO NOOBS!

Originally posted by me on /r/destiny2

Ten Alternative Super Bowl Party Ideas

Are you all ready for some football?!?!?!?!!?!?!??! Yeah, me neither, but it’s Super Bowl LII, which is apparently NOT pronounced Super Bowl “Lee”, “El Eye Eye” nor “Lye”, which means I’ll watch it. Kind of. A little bit. Just the commercials for sure…on YouTube a few days to weeks later.

If you’re like me and only care about the Super Bowl as far as the commercials and free food from people are concerned, but don’t want anyone to think you’re anti-social, or want to a be hip to the new hipster scene, then you’ve come to a great place! While this isn’t a “How To Guide” since I’m not going to being telling you how to do these, you’ll still get some great alternative party ideas. Think of these as jumping off points. Much like how most people need to jump off a very high bridge into a dry river bed.

Oh, and let’s not forget that any advertisers, unless they’ve paid out the ass and are official sponsors, can’t call the Super Bowl the Super Bowl without permission. Yes, I’m serious. They’ve also sued churches for holding parties in which people can watch the Super Bowl. Again, yes, I’m serious.

Anyway, on with the list of ideas!


1. Commercials Only

Let’s start off with the most obvious type of alternate party, the Commercials Only. With this party, you only un-mute the television during the commercials and then mute them again during the game. You do everything in your power to keep people from actually watching the Super Bowl. Get out Uno, Twister (nude if necessary), Cards Against Humanity…it doesn’t matter, really. When halftime comes around, turn off the halftime performance and watch something like The Puppy Bowl instead. Make sure to hoot and holler at great commercials!


2. Pants Off-Dance Off for All Touchdowns

Kind of self explanatory. Any time “your” team scores a touchdown, then you take off your pants and dance in celebration. If you don’t care about what team is the favorite, or don’t have a team you care about yourself, just do it for any and all touchdowns. Bonus points for doing your dance on a table and lightening round double daily bonus for doing it on the table where people are eating when they are eating.


3. Shot Down!

To do this, you must take a shot of any alcohol for every first down. The harder the alcohol the more screwed up you’ll get quickly, so you might want to pace yourself. It’s something like the Highlander Drinking Game, but you’ll get a lot more wasted. Unless, of course, each team really sucks and there’s hardly any progress made on the field. I don’t know who’s playing and I don’t care enough to find out, so…this might happen this year. I don’t know.

This is an alcoholic’s favorite!


4. Pee Wee Super Bowl

Don’t watch the actual Super Bowl, and instead watch little league football, which I just found out is called Pee Wee. While I would never suggest inviting Paul Reuben over under normal circumstances, I’d say this is the best time to do so. Still don’t invite Jared, the Subway guy, though. Seriously. Don’t. I won’t be held responsible if you do.

 

5. The “Super” Bowl

“What the fuck is this?!” you’re thinking. I know, because I’m psychic, remember? Or, rather, I know you’re more than likely reading this silently in your brain, which makes you think it. Mind blown. I know. Why, yes I am amazing. Again, I know.

This super bowl is an actual super bowl. You and all your “friends” (see: cult followers) will gather around a bowl which will be adorned with an attractive color scheme, a cape, and underwear on the outside. Fill it with tasty snacks of your choosing and drop to your knees in prayer, thanks, fear, gratitude, and worship for every bite you take of said snacks.

Don’t forget the psalm of worship to bring forth luck and keep away its porcelain wrath. According to Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World:

Giver of snacks
Container which never lacks
Keep us full and in high spirits
We shall never falter in our praise
Not once in all of our days!

COME FORTH, GOOD LUCK!
FUCK OFF, ANNOYING CUCKS!

When the super bowl is empty, you can either toss it back and forth between each other or wash it out for use in the next year.

 

6. Reenactment Party

Oh boy, is this one fun! You also get to trash not only the place, but your fellow party goers, too. For every play made, you reenact it in the area you’re watching the game in. If you’re in the basement, then you do it there. If you’re in the living room, then you do it there. If you’re some kind of amazing stuntman and watching it from trapeze wires, then more power to you…but you have to do it there with everyone else.

You may be sued by the NFL, but you’ll win in court if you can afford the legal fees to fight it. After all, it’s a live interpretation and alteration of what’s actually going on. Basically, it’s fair use. The injuries, however, are not open to be paid for by the NFL, even when you do win your case.

 

7. Get High – Get Fucked Party

Get high and get fucked. You don’t even have to watch the party. You will, however, need enough snacks and beverages packed with electrolytes to keep people going. Trust me, you don’t want to run out of food and hydration in the middle of an orgy. Things get awkward fast. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do.

 

8. Murder Mystery

Everyone loves a mystery and this is going to be talked about for years to come! You invite everyone over for what seems to be a normal Super Bowl party, but with one twist…every time the ball changes teams, someone dies! Make sure you aren’t the killer, though, because that’s too obvious. Get one of your guests whom you know will be down for this and have them take someone out and hide the bodies. Hell, even don’t hide the bodies, I don’t care. It’s your call.

As the game goes on, everyone will be scrambling to figure out “Who Done It?!” By the final minutes of the game, gather everyone into another room and have everyone who’s left write down who they think the killer is and why. If the majority of the people guess right, then that they get a prize! A prize besides getting to live, that is.

Oh, and to do this game right, you may just want to confiscate everyone’s cell phones and make sure you don’t have a land line. Also, nail down all your windows and make it so no one can escape. You don’t want some party pooper ruining the game by getting the police involved. Clean up may be a bitch, however, so make sure you rent a carpet cleaner with steam.

 

9. Swords, Knives and Guns Party

What does this have to do with the Super Bowl? The pregame! This is the only pregame idea in all of this, mind you. Let’s face it, you and everyone else is getting wasted before the game even begins, so you’ll need something to do to entertain yourselves before the game. The pregame always sucks, but this will make it better.

Start off just by showing off your swords, knives, and guns. Then you’ll progress to swinging them around and chambering rounds. Semi-final will be showing off what you can do, or if it works how awesome it would be. Finally, you end up with someone holding a rather large sausage or hotdog in their mouth and you take it out with either a sword, a knife, or your gun. Keep in mind for the gun you’ll have to shoot it, so it’s technically the bullet doing the job.

 

10. Just Masturbate Party

Ignore the game altogether and focus on the cheerleaders, or the commercials, and just spank it for three hours and fifty three minutes. Get snacks and beverages with lots of electrolytes.


There you have it! What kind of party are you going to throw? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to mix in meth with some RedHot Buffalo Dip. I put that on everything!