Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts in 2016

It was that magical time of year again, and that means it’s time to highlight some problems. On Christmas morning and maybe even on morning of presents for Hanukkah, someone is going to be unlucky enough to have gotten one of these gifts. Just like every year, W.A.T.C.H. is hell bent on ruining Christmas morning like a Muslim in a gay nightclub. While they do highlight some issues with toys, W.A.T.C.H. always misses the worst of the worst and instead focuses on toys targeted at boys and girls simply for being “gender specific”. Here are the actual Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts in 2016 which were given.


My Very Own Alibi1. My Very Own Alibi
This toy line is said to have been inspired by the film franchise known as Home Alone, in which a rich white child goes on a killing spree of his neighbors while getting off completely free in protest of being left alone while his family goes out shopping. Pictured is the “Roller Puncture Derby” a la carte version of the toy. Others include the mouse trap with tack and shotgun shell and hand grenade on a sstring, the second best seller. Were do we really begin with this?

First off, the knife isn’t sharp as it needs to be in order to put someone down quickly. Some people might find this as a feature, but we find it to be a minus point to an otherwise ingenious product. Secondly, the skate is very rusty, but the knife is not. We’d give it points for adding tetanus with a dull knife, but since the rust is on the skate and note the blade, this is another minus point. Lastly, there is no ramp with My Very Own Alibi, but the packaging (not shown) clearly shows it flying off a ramp.

Kids have a great imagination, and this is just lazy. The toy has nothing to put together and basically just does one thing: Roll slowly and barely stab someone. Children are going to end up just throwing the toy, which defeats the purpose of what it is trying to accomplish. Stay away and if you get this as a present, get a gift receipt.


Pogoff To Space2. Pogoff Stick: To Space
Claims from the manufacturer:

Feeling XtReMe?! Want to KiSs the SkY?! Well now you can! After three successful pumps to prime the engines, the rockets will kick in and put you close enough to kiss the pilots of MH370 as they fly by on their infinite voyage around the world in space!

Aside from the tasteless reference to the fated Malaysia Flight MH370, there’s also a slightly veiled reference for drugs. Jimmie Hendrix used the term “kiss the sky” for getting intoxicated with drugs.

Even though almost any kid, and many adults, would love to ride on a rocket propelled pogo stick, the fact is, pogo sticks are dangerous. Ever get hit in the chin while riding on one? How about landing at an angle and falling or bouncing into a bush/tree? Imagine that at 147 MPH/236.574 KPH? Yeah, that’s going to leave one bad bump on your head and a pretty bad headache. I think we can all do without this. We don’t want another “Heat Seeking Lawn Darts” fiasco during a picnic, now do we?


My First Lynching Rope3. My First Lynching Rope: The Game
My First Lynching Rope: The Game is a choking hazard in disguise as a harmless family game. If you think The Game of Life is destined to kill your little ones who eat the cars or peg-people, then you’re not worried enough. This game is enough to kill every member of the family, especially any adopted black ones.

The game revolves around getting enough people on your posse in order to lynch the person next to you. Everyone takes turns rolling dice and taking cards while moving around a board. Think of this like Mouse Trap, except you’re the mouse, the noose is the trap, and your neck is the end game. If you can’t play your card fast enough, or have a good enough one, it’s lights out.

What the manufacturer didn’t count on is most of your homes aren’t equipped to have this hang high enough, so you’ll end up either wrapping it around each others necks and pulling, or using something like a door you’ll hope is strong enough to hold up old fat Grannie Christine. There just isn’t enough through going into this game and it shows. Pass this up.


Jihad Jerry4. Jihad Jerry
I mean…wow… This is the follow up the the Ibraheem Toys’ 2014 break out gift My First Jihad. While not directly marketed as an infidel holiday gift, they sure like to time it that way. The packaging is grotesque and 100% real.

Packaging claims it’s “Everything you’ll need to end the Jewish and Christian infidels of their lives!” It contains a child’s Qu’Ran, prayer mat, 4lbs of active dynamite, mask and robe, remote detonation backup device, and a map to local Jewish temples.

The interior booklet claims:

As your children grow and learn, they’ll want to up the destructive force for the glory of Allah. Use this as a great follow up to your My First Jihad toy kit. Praise be to Allah! DEATH TO ALL INFIDELS!

Who are they kidding? The previous kit is almost a 100% death sentence to both your child and their entire day care, so there is no “…grow and learn…” involved. We are talking about Islam, after all. Also, much of the dynamite in the packaging is pretty old and very volatile, meaning there’s a good chance it’ll explode before you put it in a vest and go to school the following day to show off your toy. Pass.


Coke Head Charlene5. Friday Night: Coke Head Charlene
At least your kids are leaning a valuable lesson here: Cocaine is a party and designer drug. Unlike the Medicate Me: Molly! doll from 2014, this doll knows how to “Fuck It Up”, as the box says. This is almost a buy.

What makes this almost a buy? It comes with real cocaine! However, it only comes with 1 gram and a very small straw the doll can use. There are no refills available from the manufacturers, either. This means to get the fix the doll needs to continue being fun you’ll have to go into bad areas or convince the local pharmacist to give you some. You know, for your “nose injury”. Good luck with that. Cocaine is also very expensive, especially for twice cut Colombian. That shit is awesome.

If necessary, a supplemental toy for this one would be the Barbie Spy Squad Cat Burglar Doll which will help your precious angel break into houses and steal her friend’s stash!


Well, there you have another five toys W.A.T.C.H. didn’t care enough to warn you about. We warn you about them, because we care for you. Wrap you child in cling wrap all over their head and paint over it so they never see the horrors of the world. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!

Game Ranger 4 Interview

Captain R: The Game Ranger 4
Memories of a Lost Time
Interview

 
1. What is the story behind your latest creation?
Ron, who has been designated the Game Ranger, just made it back to the End of Time.  He’s moping around, refusing to do anything, especially after the events of Game Ranger 2 and 3.

However, he is forced into action by Janus and the wheels of his destiny begin to turn once again.
 
 
2. Who or what inspired you to begin your production?
As I always state, the original Captain N: The Game Master was the main influence behind the theme.The entire “Adventures of Ron” was started by my two friends and it grew from there.

The original “Adventures of Ron” were made in Swish using animated (loosely used) still images and exported to *.MOV files.  They were huge!  After learning how to use Flash, I offered to make an episode and, well…the rest is kind of history.
 
 
3. How long have you been working on it, and when do you expect to finish?
Game Ranger 4 has been worked on for about five months at this point.  Most of that hasn’t been animation, though.

There was a long writing process because the script changed around four or five times.  Ron was originally going to be in the Final Fantasy 6 world, then the Final Fantasy World with multiple characters from the different Final Fantasy games, just a Final Fantasy style world, and then finally we scraped that for the new story.

Then came the long audition process, which is actually still continuing.  There are a few characters which need actors.

As for when I expect it to be finished, that’s tough to say.  The actors we have are taking a while to get lines sent in and some of the less extravagant characters aren’t getting as many quality auditions.  So…when it’s done!
 
 
4. Do you feel that this is better than your previous work? If so, why?
This is far above and beyond anything I’ve produced thus far.  Having learned little tricks from all previous animations, this project is amazing.

I’m using a lot of the “advanced” sprite techniques in order to give a more professional look, I’m making custom sprite sequences, and I’m making my own backgrounds from composites of existing images, as well as animating them myself.

The entire feel of the animation is much tighter and the script is top notch.
 
 
5. Do you feel that this is something original? What have you done to make your creation different?
Again, obviously the premise isn’t completely original, but the way we go about it is.  I always wanted to parody Captain N in some way, and this was the best way to do it.

What sets this apart from other animations out there is that Captain R: The Game Ranger isn’t trying to be something it isn’t.  The series is about a lazy, balding, white trash racist guy who doesn’t even want to be there in the first place.  We don’t make it seem like Princess Willow is being held in Bowser’s castle, so you won’t be seeing Richter walking across a bridge, hitting an axe, and the bridge dropping out or anything like that.

We’re mixing and matching different video games together to make a vast, huge world in which Ron gets in to all kinds of trouble.  There’s no moral to the stories, at least not intentionally.
 
 

6. What has given you the most difficulty during the development process of your new creation?

That’s a good one, actually.  The biggest problem I’ve faced is getting the highest quality of actors with high quality microphones.  Many times I’d get a lot of excellent auditions with horrible audio or excellent audio with terrible auditions.

Then there’s the constant back and forth, mostly in a good way, with the other creator.  We’ll differ on something and have to come up with a happy medium.

Oh…and then there’s the whole “create custom sprites” when things aren’t available that I need.
 
 

7. Have you learned new techniques from making this, and do you plan to use them in the future?

I’m always learning something new when making these things.  Often times I’ll be working on another project and learn something new and go back to a different one to implement the techniques.

Thanks to the V-Cam, I can produce a lot of new effects, and in doing even that, I learn new techniques, such as “Add” in the “Blend” option of a movie clip.  Doing that provides a softer effect for the animation, much like you see in Street Fighter or the like.
 
 

8. Besides Flash, did you pull any other programs into the mix to deliver your desired effect?

I’m forever using other programs.  I’m using the following programs:

Fighter Maker
Sony Vegas Pro
Audicity
Firefox
 
 

9. How do you feel this creation will measure up to other submissions on Newgrounds.com?

This will smack the others out of the water, definitely.  That is, until Street Fighter vs Dragonball Z is released!
 
 

10. Any final thoughts or anything else you would like to say?

Be expecting something fun, hilarious, and a great ride.

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Posted 12/27/2010 at 5:39 PM on Xanga