Little Known Legendary Creatures # 5 – Chihullama

The Noble Chihullma
In the fifth installment of Lesser Known Legendary Creatures we take a look at the noble Chihullama. Of all discussed legendary creatures thus far, this creature is the least remembered and is the origin of how chihuahuas and llamas came into existence as separate creatures.


Origin
Where the legend originates is a bit of a mystery. Both the Peruvians and Mexicans have different stories of how the chihullama came to seperate into both the chihuahua and the llama, as well as where the creature was originally.

According to Mexican folklore documented in Libro Tonto de Los Muertos, written by Elver Galarga, the chihullama originated in Mexico and went south to Peru, becoming more of the llama (presented in original as written in Pidgin):

As the creature continued to move painimautim south, parts of the kaikai long belo began to disappear karamapim tok more of the llama began to take over. The large, rough terrain as horrible on the poor chihullama with its short blut i kamap karamapim tok legs. Longer fur karamapim tok wanpela longer blut i kamap was needed to keep the anka moving karamapim tok warm in the colder climates as it moved to the mountainous regions. Over time, balus bamim the llama remained karamapim tok that is why those lusim peruvians have llamas!

The Peruvians believe quite the opposite, feeling that the creature started completely as a llama and began to change into the chihuahua on its way to Mexico. Written in the historical document, Libro Masivo de Criaturas Locas, written by Pachuco Pollito el Hermoso, in the opening message to the reader:

Darlings, what is most important to remember about the chihullama is that it is a transitional creature, much like me. Originally nothing more than a llama, the magnificent creature was nothing more than a llama, but as the terrain changed to be more fit for the dirty, lazy streets of Mexico where it became the chihuahua, forced to hunt mice, sweethearts. Lazy wetbacks changed our noble creature into a street urchin!

Unsurprising, the occult book written by Reginald Scot, titled Demons in the New World, records the creature but in a slightly different light:

Chihullama are less of a demon and more of guiding spirit, helping those who travel up and down the connecting land between North and South America. Originally confined to El Salvador, the spirits were often trapped and taken with merchants to keep them company on the long trips, as well as ward off evil entities such as the El Cucuy and Luz Mala. Adapting to its new environments, the chihullama became smaller and more dog like moving into Mexico and more llama like moving down into Peru. Both people continue to fight over its origins.


Powers
Known to have different powers depending on individual creatures itself, the chihullama is the original inspiration for The Little Ponies: Magical Friends. Each chihullama was said to possess one specific power, such as bringing rain, regulating sunshine, and even picking apples.

According to Falsum Libro Daemones, the Even Lesser Key of Solomon the King:

The fifteenth hundred point two spirit is the Chihullama. It is a mighty and noble creature with one of many abilities assigned to it at birth. While one chihullama may regulate the hours of the day, another may deliver mail. Dashing rainbows across the sky may be the signature of one creature, while making sculptures may be another. Each chihullama has but one power it can possess, but that does not limit the amount of creatures which may also have that particular power.


Residence
As discussed before, there is some disagreement on where the chihullama originated to become the two creatures we know today, but one thing everyone agrees on is that Central America is where the creature was found in its full chihullama configuration. Because it is a mixture of the chihuahua and the llama, everyone also agrees it lived in more mountainous regions of Central America.

In modern day there have been reports of the creature in Volcán Tajumulco and Montañas Peña Blanca. People claim to see both the mostly black and the brown versions of the creature. Taken from one of the guest logs at the Cerro Chirripó visitor’s station, author unknown:

I couldn’t believe it! There my girlfriend and I were enjoying the view when suddenly the most noble creature I have ever seen came walking out of the tree line below us. At first my girlfriend and I didn’t believe what we were seeing, being that we were stoned out of our mind, but sure enough it was the chihullama! It had a long, shaggy neck like a llama, but the coloring, body, and head of a chihuahua. I’m pretty sure that’s good luck seeing it!!!


Role in Modern Society
There isn’t much role for the creature in modern society as most people are happy with either a chihuahua or a llama. While the creature would be a great source of warmth thanks to a plush, thick coat and be unbelievably adorable, the mixture of a chihuahua barking out of control along with the humming of a llama would be unbearably annoying. Also, because the creature is somewhere between the size of a full grown llama and a chihuahua, it would be impossible to put one in a purse.

For those wishing to see the creature, it is absolutely inadvisable to try mating a llama with a chihuahua! Instead, book a trip to one of Central America’s many famous mountain ranges and believe with all your heart. Llamas like broccoli and chihuahuas actually really like cheese. Just be sure not to present cheese infested with Cheese Goblins. That would just be rude.


Summoning and Spiritual Ranks
There is no known direct method of summoning the chihullama and they may even simply be attracted to a person with enough belief and love in their hearts for the creature.

Rank: Exousia
Sign: 29° – 53.32° Leo (July 23 – July 24)
Time of Day: Midday
Planet: Chiron
Metal: Densinium
Command: 8 Platoons
Tarot Card: Squatting Donkey

Blue Dawn: Recounting the Smurf War

Pride. They say pride comes before the fall. The Bible says in Proverbs 16:5, “Everyone who is proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD; Assuredly, he will not be unpunished.” Pride is even defined by Merriam-Webster as “A feeling that you are more important or better than other people.” It is pride  exactly why the world suffered the tragedies during what we now call The Blue Dawn when we battled against the Smurfs. Tragedy is a soft word compared to the horrendous nature of the event, and only those who fought, survived, and are now haunted by the event can tell the true nature of what actually happened.

Recounted here is but one soldier’s experience during the war. Yes, it is heavily abridged, as the tale is long and melts the iciest of hearts. The information comes from many points of view and are woven together in this yarn as one cohesive piece told from the first person. As the dawn gives way to the twilight, so to does the darkness give way to light, even if the soothing morning light feels more distant and slower to come than the blanketing of darkness. We will live. We will heal. We must never forget.


Blue on Black: When it began

BRRZ! BRRZ! BRRZ! The alarm set on my cell phone next to my bed screamed as though it were a banshee alerting the world to its arrival, while the vibration function I always had set caused the phone to dance on the wireless charging port. Groaning, I turned and picked the wicked thing up, desperately trying to slide the screen to “off”. With so much fog in my head and blurring in my eyes, my phone fought with me all the way to the bathroom. I swear, this damned device knew me too well to simply be allowed to shut off right away.

Managing to silence this accursed device, I looked down as I began to brush my teeth. 4:01 AM Central European Time Zone (GMT+1). Formation would be at 5:00 AM and I couldn’t be late. I was never late. I’m sure everyone wants to know…and yes…I was stuck with a “bad company”, but not because I was a screw up or a criminal. Don’t get me wrong, most of the people I served with were. I just had a “bad attitude” and pissed off the wrong people enough times to end up here. They thought it would be hilarious to make me a corporal instead of a sergeant and put me in charge of a squad of people who were both accused and convicted of crimes, but their efficiency and penchant for acceptable violence would have been wasted in the stockade over in Leavenworth. The one blessing, however, is I was at Caserma Del Din, attached as back up for the 173rd Airborne Brigade Combat Team.

I had just jumped into the shower and allowed the warm water to massage my body, washing away the previous day and cleansing me for the new to day to come, when I first felt it.

Rattle. Rattle. Small shake.

At first I payed little attention to it, rationalizing it as me being still in the process of waking up.

Rattle. Stronger shake. Rattle. Rattle.

There it was again. This time, a little heavier and more obnoxious. I stepped forward in the shower, the water still hitting my back, and touched the wall. Maybe it was just the water heater or the pipes?

Boom followed by an extremely large tremor then rattling and shaking. I heard the sirens going off, so I swiped the razor down my face one last time and leapt out of the shower with the fury of a honey badger. I had never dressed so fast in my life and I left the house with such fever that I didn’t even bother to lock my door.

My god. The world was on fire! Explosions rocked the area not far from me and the smoke was filling the sky. Many of the families were screaming and making their way to the designated safe zones.

“Calahan! WAIT UP!” I called out to one of my platoon mates and jumped into the street as I saw him rushing up in a jeep.

“Abromoff! You’re alive!” Calahan screamed after his vehicle came to a screeching halt, “Get the fuck in!!!” I didn’t need any convincing, and I jumped into his HMVEE. I was barely inside when he took off down the street. Looking around, I saw several of my squad mates in the vehicle as well, looking as confused and amped up as I was.

“God damn Muslim invasion?!” Murai asked, looking around at the chaos outside.

“No fucking way, dude!” Garney stated, as if he already knew, “There’s no way they could catch us that off guard! Not here, man!”

“Then what the hell is going on? Who’s attacking us?!” I asked, knowing full well no one else knew, but I couldn’t help it. I was nervous and angry. Calahan was doing one hell of a job as he drove through the bits of upturned asphalt and pot holes. There was  suddenly flash of light and pressure. I remember hearing Calahan say, “Oh sh..” before the noise deafened me.

What is it like to be in an explosion? Pressure, heat, and chaos. It is all pressure, heat and chaos my dear friends. If ever in my life I had known I was to avoid Hell at all costs, this was it. The ringing in my ears was unbearable and I was so disoriented I couldn’t even understand that I was still alive, and relatively unhurt. I crawled several feet through the wreckage before having enough strength to push myself up onto my knees, belly down. Strange how in these moments you can remember some things so clearly and focus on something that seems so irrelevant… Below me was a piece of yellow paper. I reached down and picked it up.

“Wrapping paper?” I thought as I wrinkled it in my fist. I must have blacked out at that moment, because the next thing I remember is being draped across Captain Santos’ shoulder as he ran down the street and into a building. Guess I made some kind of noise, because he set me down gently in a chair and knelled in front of me.

“Abromoff? You with me? Hey! You with me soldier?” Santos asked, gently slapping me on the face. I could hear again. Thank God. Still, I could only nod in affirmative and weakly salute.

“Good!” he stated and stood up, and looked around the room, “Now listen up, assholes. We’re obviously being invaded. Every major military installation across the world is being hit right now.”

“God damn sand niggers!” I heard a voice in the back call out.

“Shut your god damn cock holster, private! This is no Islamic Jihad! When I say EVERY major military installation across the world is being hit, I mean EVERY nation and EVERY military is being hit! Terrorist training camps are being wiped out left and right,” Captain Santos informed everyone. There was a hush which actually helped me snap out of my daze.

“If it’s not a Jihad, what is this, sir?” I asked, finally able to speak and sitting up straighter.

“I saw it,” I heard Calahan say. He was alive? Oh thank god…so was Murai and Garney! Those three were always the luckiest sons of bitches I had ever known. Their luck must have rubbed off on me.

“What did you see, private?” Captain Santos asked with absolute interest.

“What’s attacking us. Well, I didn’t see it really clearly, but, I swear to you god…Look, I’m not trying to get a fucking section 8 here, okay?” Calahan stated, waiving his hands at everyone, “I’m not a fucking lunatic, got it?”

“Well, what the hell did you see?!” Winther, one of our sergeants asked, “That’s an order. OUT WITH IT!”

“Okay, look…it was small so I didn’t see it all that well, but it right before the explosion I swear I saw something blue running away just before from where the explosion happened,” Calahan told him.

“What?!!” a voice I didn’t recognize at the time shouted from behind me.

“That’s all I’m saying!” Calahan stated and sat back down.

“Right. At least it’s something. We’re two blocks from the armory. Everyone stick together and move like a god damn trained platoon of soldiers, got it?!” Captain Santos shouted and moved toward the back door indicating everyone to follow him.


Truth is a Stranger Thing Than Fiction

Two months. It had been two months since the start of the attack and we still couldn’t believe what was happening. The Smurfs. The god damn fucking Smurfs were attacking us all around the world. Many people didn’t even believe they existed, or even knew, kind of how some people thought Narwhals are mythical creatures, even in this modern day. What did we really know about them anyway? The information we had said there was only one village in a place called The Forbidden Forest, either in France or England. Story goes only the Smurfs and Mother Nature knew the actual location. There was a place in Juzcar, Spain nicknamed The Smurf Village because of the blue houses. We thought they were doing it as a joke and a simple reference. No one thought it was to appease the ever growing angry and violent Smurfs in the area. How were we supposed to know there was more than one Smurf village?

We had been moved to RAF Lakenheath to get briefed on a counter attack in order to take back London. This entire thing was a shit show from the beginning. We had been caught with our pants down because we thought the Smurfs were beneath us, in stature, in resourcefulness, and in technology. Smurfs are 3 inches to 7.5 inches tall? My ass. These things were proportioned like the cartoon drawings of them, but stood on average four feet tall. Strong as hell, too. What they lacked in pure military training they made up for in pure aggression. No idea how many of these things they were. They seemed endless.

All said and done, my battalion had lost over 100 men and we were nearing bare bones in supplies. This was going to be one last ditch effort to get a supply line back as well as take back a major city. We were beginning to see success in many locations by changing our tactics. War was never going to be the same, because if World War II didn’t end all wars, this was simply teaching every military regime in the world a different way to fight…and human nature always proves we’ll use it against each other rather than a realization we need to stop fighting all together.

Every time we had a briefing it was depressing. We were being told we were going to fight, but then we never would. Every briefing ended the same: Promises of action followed by waiting around. The Army motto really should just officially change to “Hurry and Wait!”

“Something has been bothering me,” Garney stated as we made our way to the briefing room.

“Just one thing?” I asked mockingly.

“Oh, fuck you,” Garney said in defense, “Remember when this all started and Calahan said he saw something small run away from where the explosion happened? Then why are we fighting Smurfs the size of middle school kid?” This was a fair question, and one no one even seemed to consider or bring up. Why were the Smurfs so tall? Did we just have the wrong information? Were there smaller Smurfs sent out for recon? If so, then how could we ever know if we were being watched? They’d be like rats sneaking in to the pantry through the tiniest hole.

“Look, what I saw was small. I don’t know why these ones are big, okay?” Calahan stated flatly.

“Who cares. Just let me kill more. I haven’t killed enough of those peyos!” Murai stated and pounded his chest. It was a sentiment I agreed with, but never actually said out loud. We had taken to offensively naming them peyo after the scientist who first recorded them back in the 1950’s and published the earliest research papers about them. Before that, they were either considered extinct or a myth. Like the coelacanth.

We reached the briefing room and took our usual seats. That’s strange…leading today’s briefing was as colonel leading the briefing today. Colonel Finch, actually. She had earned a reputation for going out into the field and fighting, actually leading charges, rather than sitting back and drinking while wondering if there really was a battle even actually going on. This woman had bigger and badder balls than most of the people I knew. Probably even myself.

“No way!” I heard Murai whisper as he saw the colonel standing at the front and beginning the presentation, “If she’s here…we might actually get to do something.”

“Alright. Everyone shut up and listen because this is important, I out rank you, and we’re going full battle rattle after this!” Colonel Finch belted out. It was like she was wearing a microphone with how powerful her voice projected, “We’re taking London back. TODAY. I will not settle for anything less than complete victory and no casualties. This is a four part strike mission. You are part three of this four part attack and we don’t have much time for me to go over this. Starting at 0200 this morning and continuing on was the first part of the campaign. Leading the attack was the 302d Fighter Squadron, The Red Devils, accompanied by the 77th Fighter Squadron, The Gamblers to take down the outside air patrols. At 0300 this morning the 6th Bombardment Squadron, Very Heavy, North Field, started a two hour bombing campaign to take out strategic locations around London. Yes, we did confirm the use of portals by the Smurfs, however, it seems these portals are tied to specific locations and if the integrity is not maintained, the portals shut down…seemingly for good. Now it’s your turn, soldiers. You’re all going in with heavy ground support to mop up any left over resistance. Report to your commanding officers for deployment order and what armor division you will be escorted by. MOVE YOUR ASSES OUT NOW!!!”

Everyone leapt from their seat and began to file out. We already had our gear ready for us, so it was a simple matter of picking it all up, getting hemmed up and in line. We were greeted by Captain Santos ordering everyone as close to him as possible instead of us getting to formation.

“Listen up, you sacks! We’re moving in first. That’s what being in a bad company means! I have been informed once this is all over, anyone surviving this bullshit is getting a full pardon and an honorable discharge…if they want to leave. Just remember that if you’re thinking about dying! Die and you’re still a criminal, got that?!” he shouted out. Everyone shouted a loud, “Yes, sir!” and he continued, “Alright, we’re moving out with the 40th Armor Division. They’ll watch our asses, so you make sure they don’t get blown to shit, got that?! NOW MOVE!!!”

We all ran to the APC closest to us and crammed in.

“God damn…we’re really putting our trust in a bunch of weekend warriors form California?!” I heard a familiar voice ask.

“When was the last time any of us had time off? Do you really think people are only here on the fucking weekends now? Shut the fuck up!” I heard Sargent Winther shout out from somewhere in the APC.

“Point taken!” the voice familiar voice said again. This time, I had peeked around Garney and saw who was talking. God damn…it was Sergeant Bennett. He was smiling like a maniac and holding his M24. We had a sniper on our team and it was one of the best I had ever known. I felt better.

The entire ride into London was silent. At least inside the APC. Outside, explosions and gun fire rank out like it was a birthday party gone crazy. Once the doors opened, the silence was shattered with screams and the thunder of foot steps as we piled out and made our way to cover. Captain Santos gave the orders on where each squad was to move into and we moved without question. We were going to clear standing buildings looking for surviving peyo…I mean Smurfs and either take them out or capture them. It was our discretion. We knew no one in my squad was doing to take anything alive. I wasn’t about to make them and I had no desire to.

For hours we cleared the way and killed any Smurf we came across. All around us the sound of gun fire became more and more sparse and the skies were cleared of any opposition. Silence was once again beginning to become normal until an explosion rocked on of our HMVEE ahead of us, killing everyone inside. Was it a mortar? No…we didn’t hear it fall…and the blast had been directed toward the car…this was an IED. God damn Smurfs were starting to play dirty again.

“Fuck, man! What the fuck!” Murai shouted, as we hunkered behind some rubble, regrouping.

“Anyone see who did it? Anything?!” I shouted at my squad. No one had seen anything except the explosion. Fluttering down like a peaceful snowflake in front of me was something yellow on one side and white on another. I reached out and grabbed it. “Wrapping paper?” I asked out loud in thought. Suddenly the memory of the beginning of the war spring board to the front of my mind.

“It’s what?” Garney asked, reaching for the paper, “It is wrapping paper…”

“This is the same thing I saw back when we were hit in Italy…must be the same mother fucker!” I seethed in anger, gripping my weapon.

“There! Off to the side! Two blocks up!” one of my squad mates shouted. I looked over the rubble pile and saw a Smurf running down the road carrying a yellow box with a red bow. He placed it down at the side of the road and began running toward us again…reaching behind him and producing another box of the same nature. He must have been using some kind of portal to bring the boxes to him, because there’s no way he was carrying these things in a pocket.

“That’s the son of a bitch putting down IEDs!” I said and grabbed the radio, “Hey, Sargent Bennett! About two blocks up! Smurf running with an IED! Yellow box and red bow! WE gotta stop him!” I didn’t receive a response on radio, instead, I heard the report of a rifle followed by a large explosion from where the Smurf was. Pieces of blue flesh rained down on us for a few seconds.

“I got that joker. Thought he was fucking funny, did he?” I heard Sargent Bennett report over the radio. After that…everything went quiet and we regrouped.


Hammer of Thor: Lightening Doesn’t Need to Strike Twice

We thought we had won. We thought we were victorious. We were so sure of ourselves that we let down our guard and didn’t see we were exactly where the enemy wanted us. The true enemy. The one who was pulling all the strings. Pride is a bitch.

Everyone had just sat down to have some nice HOT A’s and to relax when there was a commotion from the helicopter landing pads. Jumping up, I rushed past everyone to see what was going on. The heftiest Smurf I had ever seen beating soldiers with his bare hands. Others had opened fire on him, but it seemed to be doing little. That’s when I saw it, but no one else had. Some Smurf with more brains than brawn jumped into one of the Blackhawks and was taking off. There was no way I was going to get to the helicopter before it took off, but I knew being down even one chopper at this point would be extremely handicapping and something so mobile in the hands of the Smurfs would be disastrous. What could I do, though? The Blackhawk was already taking off and leaving the area. I happened to look past the fighting soldiers and saw an RPG…it must have been brought in by one of the Smurfs! Faster than I had ever run in my life, I ran to that RPG and grabbed it, checking to make sure everything was ready. I dropped to one knee, aligned the chopper and fired.

The rocket roared forth in anger, spewing fire and smoke as if it were a dragon hellbent on revenge. As though guided by the hand of God, the I watched as the rocket made contact with the side of the Blackhawk and it exploded. Wrenching sideways and bellowing hell fire, the chopper spin like an out of control top as it plummeted to earth in the same fashion Icarus surely did as he flew too close to the sun. Luckily, it crashed in an area devoid of anyone else. About the same time, the berserk smurf was finally killed…but so were six of our own.

“Stop where you are!” I heard a voice from one of the towers call out over the fence. Looking over, I saw a figure in the distance, distorted by heat haze and smoke. I numbly dropped the RPG and made my way to the gate, grabbing a dropped rifle on the way. Whoever, or whatever, this was too big to be a Smurf. Funny how I thought that, given we didn’t know the Smurfs could be as tall as we witnessed. However, whoever, or whatever, this was didn’t have a hat on like the others. It seemed to walk slightly hunched over, and it was carrying something…a book?

The warning sirens went off once again and everyone prepared for the worst. I stayed at the guard shack, weapon at the ready. I heard them ordering the figure to halt repeatedly, but it continued toward us until I could finally see it clearly. A man. Just a man. He stood just under six feet tall, had a slouched back, and wore what I could only describe as an old fashioned black monk’s robe. Around his waist, holding everything closed, was a rope and he had red shoes on, not unsimilar to what the Smurfs wore. His face was slightly twisted, almost like a demon with a piked nose, and what hair he had on his balding head was greasy.

He stood in the middle of the road, one hand behind him and the other out in front of him, holding a book. If you have believed anything in this tale, then believe me when I saw the book seemed to move…the book was alive and looked to be in disgust, almost agony, of being in his possession. He grinned wickedly. I could hear his words as his voice echoed out only fifty yards from my position.

“I am so glad you were all able to join me at the appointed time!” he laughed out, waiving the book in front of him, “It is so nice when guests arrive at the proper time and numbers!”

“State your business!” I heard Colonel Finch over the speaker? She was alive? Of course she was…she was too tough to die. I should have known that… “Do not approach any closer!”

“What do you know of my business!? What could you possibly comprehend?! NOTHING!  YOU ARE ALL NOTHING! You have done everything I have wanted and more! The only thing I have left is to close up some loose ends!” the person shouted and suddenly flipped the book to look at him, “Great Book of Spells! I, Gargamel, your master and owner demand of you this day, being the last phase of the full moon, to grant me the spell I seek!”

“What is it you seek, foolish one!” the book stated back.

“I demand a spell to make me the biggest, and greatest wizard of them all! I wish to stand above all others and squish my enemies!” Gargamel shouted with a laugh to the book.

“Another selfish and pointless request! Stomp three times, turn twice, and then your enemies shall seem small as mice!” the book instructed back. Gargamel did just that…and in a flash of white energy surrounding him he began to grow. He did not stop growing until he towered above all the buildings like a video game end boss. His voice boomed out in a deafening tone as he laughed and began to smash everything around him. “Everyone, including the Smurfs, thought they were better than me! Outcast me! TURNED ME AWAY LIKE A FREAK! Now I will make you all pay!” he shouted out in a voice so loud it hurt my ears.

“NOW!” I heard Colonel Finh’s voice once again over the speaker. I can hardly explain what happened next. I saw lightening fly across the darkened, but cloudless sky, straight for Gargamel. At first, he was laughing, but his face twisted to an even more disgusted look and he began screaming in pain. He attempted to block the lightening hitting him constantly in the chest, but his fingers were burned through and fell from his body. That lightening began to eat through his body until he had an large hole in his chest. No blood. The wound had been cauterized by the heat. He toppled backwards and began to shrink back to normal size as he did so, until he landed like a sack of potatoes on the ground. The entire base began to cheer.


Conflict’s End

It was weeks before I learned it was none other than Captain Santos who fired that shot. The weapon was the fourth stage in the strike and had been nicknamed Thor’s Hammer. Someone had learned there was a force driving the Smurfs to start the war, but wasn’t exactly sure who it was, however, they knew they were hiding in London. We were there to drive them out of hiding, and hopefully, put a stop to all of it. The fighting had immediately stopped after Gargamel was killed, and the Smurfs went back into hiding, but not before someone designated Papa Smurf presented conditions of peace and agreed to never cause problems again. The USA, at least, agreed to leave the Smurfs alone and ordered both a no visit and no fly zone where the Smurfs were actually located. No civilian was ever told the specific spot they lived.

Those of us who have fought and lived through this are the ones most affected. Closing my eyes at night brings sweats and I can’t have any thing blue around me. The Blue Man Group was officially exonerated of all charges of being spies for the Smurfs when the truth had come out, but they had to be disbanded because no one trusted them anymore.

This was the worst war since the one fought by a soldier, who’s letters my father found in the wall of his own home. Makes me think my cousin was right about this Chuck E. Cheese place…wonder how he’s doing…


I had promised to post this so many times…it came to me when I was drugged up to have a double wisdom tooth extraction. I also saw a giant purple turkey, but that isn’t as exciting as this. I’ve turned this into a short story, and when I tell it verbally, it’s a bit different of course.

Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts in 2018

It’s Christmas time once again! Snow is falling. Children are trying their best to be good. Parents are doing their best to beat people to the “must have toy” of the year. And once again W.A.T.C.H. has put out their Christmas list for the most dangerous toys of 2018…but they missed the most obvious ones. Why? Because they’re more concerned with what is going to make the most money and being a hater than actually caring about the children. Why won’t anyone else besides me think of the children!?

If you find any of these under your tree, instantly call child services on Santa.


1. Omega Spay and Neuter Kit: For Science!
This toy comes with multiple clamps, scissors and scalpels. Included are full color detailed instructions on how to spay and neuter multiple kinds of animals. Everything anyone could ever want in order to start performing surgery is included thanks to the “bonus tools” supplied. This is made by the company, Omega, who is responsible for the Planned Parenthood toy line, which includes the “Home Abortion Kit” and “Margaret Sanger with baby karate chopping action”.

I mean, seriously? W.A.T.C.H. puts out a buyer beware over a plastic knife and magnetic fruit, but doesn’t even care about this? Sure the toy line might not be all that popular, given that Planned Parenthood is about killing babies before they can be old enough to play with the toys, but the fact this comes with real metal tools is just a little more than concerning. I can’t even imagine what’s going to happen when the little ones run out of neighborhood pets to have “fun” on. Once they realize the tools work on any and all creatures, there’s sure to be a rash of surprise vasectomy and tubal ligation come New Year’s Day! Nice over look there, W.A.T.C.H!


2. Ariel’s Expression Exercise Pole
“When Ariel lost her voice, she had to find a way to get the Prince to kiss her…and she found a way to do so while earning her keep!” reads the back of the package. This is a regulation sized “exercise pole” and comes with techno remixes of Under The Sea, Kiss the Girl, and Poor Unfortunate Souls, along with eight stacks of hundred dollar bills in order to “make it rain up in here”.

I’m all for women expressing themselves be it in the kitchen or in the bedroom, but this is not an exercise pole. Let’s call it what it is, a dangerous metal rod capable of blunt force trauma and serious fall injuries! There is ZERO safety equipment to keep the little ones from falling as their sliding up and down or spinning around this pole. Adults have the developed muscles in order to make this safer, and sexier, but children do not. This whole thing is a law suit waiting to happen. Let’s hear it for another Disney fuck up.


3. Plasma Blaster 2700
According to the box: You’ll be the talk of the town with your authentic plasma blaster! This bad boy produces enough power to drop any future threat thanks to producing a balmy 57,762,237.76 degrees Kelvin plasma charge. The founding fathers didn’t fight to give you the right to own just muskets and for hunting! Rated ages 5 and up. Brought to you by your friends at the The Oneiroi Collective.

I’m all for having cool weapons, but are five year olds really responsible enough to handle something which produces energy around five tons of TNT? While I’m impressed they were able to get the energy to produce this weapon in such a small device, I just don’t feel that melting your target is great for the environment. Not to mention the replacement cartridges are extremely expensive, and are quite heavy. This should be a pass. Instead, think about getting a laser pointer for the kid and tell them to make “Pew Pew!” noises.


4. Bunny Snapper
We’re supposed to believe this is actually a game for the entire family to enjoy while teaching you to be cautions. What I believe is this toy teaches is distrust of rabbits. Nothing good can come of this and the rabbit is not robust enough for very many plays. The value versus dollar amount here is just not high enough to recommend it.

Probably the worst part of this game is how rusty the trap is. While sharp, the jaws on the trap are also incredibly rusty. I can’t help but feel the manufacturer simply went into the woods and collected a bunch of abandoned traps or even went to an antique store to save money instead of making their own. Tetanus is a real threat and this game is going to lose what fun there is the moment anyone catches it.


5. Cat-apult Ultra 7
Let’s start off with the obvious, shall we? This isn’t a catapult…this is an RPG launcher. That alone is a red flag. I mean, if the manufacturer can’t even tell the difference between a catapult and what is essentially an RPG-7, but for cats, then how do they know safety? Spoiler alert: They don’t and can’t.

Almost everything about this stupid toy is wrong! Not only did they name it wrong, but the images shows the cat getting launched from what should be the back of the launcher! I know some concessions had to be made in order to cram a full grown cat into the thing, but this is an oversight that cannot be ignored. The trigger system is clumsy to use, resulting in firing the furry critters when and where you don’t intend to do so.

We test every toy we review, and let me tell you, I lost count how many cats I slammed into the outside testing fence instead of launching them over it because of the awkward design of this product. Also, anything smaller than a full grown cat isn’t very effecting and can result in injuries and damage to those around you, as well as the toy. Large squirrels work if they are smashed down far enough, as well as larger puppies, such as Labradors, but anything smaller, such as kittens, chihuahuas or even young pugs just don’t work right.


Well, there you have the actual most dangerous and dumb Christmas presents of 2018. I don’t understand how every other watch group out there keeps missing these or just flat out ignoring them. I actually care about people and toys which cause harm, so I will continue to bring these to you as needed. Merry Christmas!!!

Domestic Violence – Cure Has Been Found!

This is great! Like two scoops or raisins!
The greatest news from specialists at the “Mayo Labs” has been released yesterday, and we’re glad to be one of the first people to bring it to you, thanks to use completely disregarding our NDA!

Since the beginning of time, or rather 1994 in America, we’ve been doing everything we can to end domestic violence by calling attention to it with special laws. We’ve originally believed the issue was deep routed psychological issues, or even a learned behavior from previous generations. All the research in the world didn’t seem to help. That is until now! What is this miracle cure which is guaranteed to stop any and all domestic violence? Here it is:

Shut the Fuck Up!

Yep. That’s it! Think about how simple an instruction this is. You’d think everything would be much more complicated, but the facts prove it really isn’t. Checking with current and former domestic violence victims we can see everything stems from not just keeping their mouth shut unless asked directly for a response…and even then it might be better to just shut up.

The Core Principle
At its core the principle is simple and yet complicated. As human beings, we’re conditioned to speak with others and even provide responses. Those of us who have been wronged are often found trying to find defense with our words. This faulted evolutionary trait must be fought and controlled if we are to continue to evolve as a species while also ending domestic violence.

Imagine this scenario:
Your husband/boyfriend/brother/guy friend comes home and he’s already in a bad mood. He has a history of knocking in your teeth for being a “disrespectful bitch” and he is expecting, not only a nice dinner, but a deep vacuum of the entire place. You managed to get a 100% perfect job on vacuuming the carpet, but the broccoli is slightly cold in the middle, meaning you didn’t cook it well enough.

Man – “What the fuck is this?!”
You – “Dinner…”
Man – “No! THIS IS SHIT! It’s FROZEN in the middle!”
You – “I did it the way…”

Suddenly he jumps across the table and punches your stupid face into the ground.

This was your fault. You didn’t keep your mouth shut! You shouldn’t have said anything.

Now let’s look at how you should have handled the same situation, but keeping your mouth shut:

Man – “What the fuck is this?!”
You – “…”
Man – “You fucking IGNORING ME?!”
You – “…”
Man – “YOU DISRESPECTFUL BITCH!”

Suddenly he jumps across the table, grabs you by the throat for a second and then stops sighing.

Man – “At least you did the fucking vacuuming! I’m going out for dinner. Eat your shit or starve!”

He then leaves, bangs a random bar slut, gets an STD, and then fucks your brains out later that night to assert his dominance. You are in a much better position this time!

Psychology of the Cure
The only psychology involved is your own. Keeping your mouth shut takes tremendous mental strength. By doing exercises such as no longer speaking to friends and family nor communicating with anyone at all, you can eventually learn to keep your mouth shut unless specifically asked to respond. Even when asked to respond, you should know exactly what is expected of you. This can take years, so getting out of the relationship just because you’re weak is ill advised.

Testimonials from the Participants
We’ve acquired some testimonials from participants of the original study for your reading pleasure. You’ll see the subject’s names and read their experience with it all, including how long it lasted before hand.


Name: Sarah McKennis
Nationality: Irish
Current Residence: Missouri
Results According to Subject:
My husband, Mitchell, was one of the hardest hitters I had ever been with. He would beat me until I would fall unconscious constantly. No matter what the conversation was about, it would end with me getting slugged in the face like it was there for visible punctuation. The exclamation marks were his favorite. His cock though…oh my god! It’s the biggest reason I didn’t leave him, and besides, I’m a strong woman and not a quitter.

When I heard of this study I told Mitchell. “GOOD!” he told me and busted my face open so deeply I ended up with six staples across my face from biting a hole in my own face. I didn’t even wait for my mistake to heal and went straight to the study.

How are things now? Well, I’ve learned to keep my mouth closed and only speak when I should be replying. As for why I’m in this hospital bed giving my evaluation…well…I forgot to check attitude at the door when he made a comment about feeling old. Rule number one is to shut the fuck up, and I didn’t. I told him it’s okay if he gets old and I still love him. My mistake! However, the study still stands and I give it a 100%


Name: Timmy Ashford
Nationality: American
Current Residence: New Mexico
Results According to Subject:
Stephen is my step-dad. Well, he’s my step-dad in the sense he’s always having sex with my mother, lives with us, eats all our food, drinks all day, refuses to marry my mom and give me a father in a proper family setting, all the while beating my ass raw. I used to be a bad kid, but now I know my place. I no longer make the same mistakes as so many of my friends do. He even lets me call him Stephen now and not “Master”.

What started me in the trial is when Stephen had been asking me to clean my room five or six times in a single day. Like I said, I was a bad kid in those days, and refused to do anything he said because I was angry at him for just being around. So, after the fifth or sixth time of him screaming for me to clean up my room, I yelled back, “FUCK YOU STEPHEN! You’re not even my real dad!” You can imagine the three hour beating with a belt, a hot curling iron, and his fists. He got so tired my mother even had to take over beating me when he broke his hands on my ass!

My mommy had enough of my attitude and couldn’t take the stress anymore, just knowing I would continue to make Stephen mad, so she looked through the papers on where she could take me. She stumbled upon the trial and enrolled me right away. I got time away from Stephen and learned to keep my mouth shut for my own good!

A+ program and I highly suggest all other bad kids, which is all kids, to enroll!


Name: Tiffany-Sage Haddler
Nationality: British
Current Residence: Idaho
Results According to Subject:
My mummy always wants me to wear bright colours and act as a lady, but I just didn’t like it all too much. Mummy does know what is best, but in my silly head I could just not see that as a fact and I acted up just like all these spoiled American brats. No longer do I, however!

I would talk back to my mummy and ask her what she knew, and the result would be immediate and severe slaps among my face and fanny. She would constantly ask me how I would ever expect to please a husband if I spoke back all the time. My daft reasoning was that I did not want to be a stay at home mummy like mummy, who earned money by bringing in strange men and making me watch so they would both pay more and finish faster. Oh, what a sod I was!

Thanks to this program, I now know a proper woman is seen and not heard. She does exactly that and more. The more is what my mummy teaches me. I now have the skills and education early enough to carry me throughout my adult life in order to become a proper lady of the house!

I will raise many cups of tea in the honour of this program!


Name: Julian Nielson
Nationality: Ameri-queer
Current Residence: Gay Bay
Results According to Subject:
Mmmm…my name is Julian, but call me Sally RoughRider! I love long walks on the beach, blonds, and butt sex! Tee hee!!!! I know this isn’t a dating service, you giggly gooses!

My life partner, Bruce, who I always call “OH damn! THAT MAN!!!!” in a loving way, used to break a foot off in my ass, and I don’t mean in a fun gay way. Oh no. He’d kick the shit out of me almost every time I opened my whore mouth. That was the problem, you see, since as a gay man I don’t know when to shut up. It’s just genetics, and you can’t fight genetics, but you can control your nasty habits like talking all the time.

The last straw was when Bruce came home drunk and stinking of both strange men and vagina. Trust me, you can tell the difference in that smell! Well, once again I opened my stupid whore mouth and he beat me to the point of needing medical treatment for damn near a month. While laying out in the hospital, he was reading me the obituaries to remind me I could end up in there, when I caught a glimpse of this trial and knew I needed help.

Now I only open my mouth to suck dick! Great improvement! Much love!

I ♥ (‿|‿)!


There you have it, everyone! Keep your fucking mouth shut if you don’t want to get your ass beat by your significant other. Doesn’t just work for normal people and women: It’s obviously great for gays and children, too!

Know your place!

Cute Hitler Babies – Seven adorable children you’ll want to adopt!

Adolf Hitler was ahead of his time and was persecuted for ideas far too progressive for his era. Luckily we’re coming around to see things his way and the world is using politics and voting instead of an iron fist to ease people into it. Below you’ll find six adorable Hitler babies you’ll be crazy not to feel the desire to adopt right over the internet! Let’s begin…

1. Kyle Stephinson
How adorable is he?! Not only does Kyle have an amazing natural Hitler look about him, he’s almost saying, “I have a feeling your a kike!” with that face. Kyle is a natural born public speaker on top of it all. The parents of Kyle Stephinson aren’t willing to sell at this point, and who can blame them? If I had this natural Hitler, who has an 84% rating on “Am I Hitler Reborn?! dot com”, I would be holding on him as well.

Likes
1. Aryan history
2. Subjugation of non-whites
3. Hilary Clinton for President
4. Peeing in a clean diaper
5. Pooping in a diaper with Benjamin Netanyahu’s picture under his butt
6. Muslims when they kill everyone…except for whites who agree with their methods even if they aren’t part of their sociology-political beliefs

Dislikes
1. Kikes
2. Wops (unless they help purge the world of the mud races)
3. Any and all mud races, really
4. Muslim who kill everyone regardless if they agree with them
5. Republicans
6. Nuclear arms sanctions


2. Susy-May “Hitlereen” McCoy
What can we say about Susy-May other than she is so dedicated to the Hitler lifestyle since birth she has managed to grow a toothbrush mustache! On top of everything, she’s just the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen when she starts in on one of her baby babble speeches telling us all about the disgusting niggers ruining this great country of ours. She isn’t letting the fact the handicap she’s a girl keep her back from the world!

You may be wondering if it’s contradictory for a female to be an Adolf Hitler. Well, you would be if you aren’t a true follower of his great philosophy, so keep that kind of shit quiet unless you want her to cut your dick off and feed it to a rabid chink. She’d do it, too. Beneath that cute exterior and gorgeous hair is one fierce skin-head!

Likes
1. Meal time
2. Mr Floppy Bunny
3. Mass genocide
4. Consulting psychics for future battle plans
5. History channel when they feature WWI and WWII
6. Jihad

Dislikes
1. Beaners
2. Gooks
3. Broccoli
4. Ronald Reagan
5. Hippies
6. Nap time


3. William Smith
The absolute youngest of all on our list, William Smith is what we like to refer to as a “lifer”. Being so young is giving him a leg up on the competition over at “Am I Hitler Reborn?! dot com” with a 96%. Just look at this photo! It’s so advanced and he’s so dedicated, if you see him giving you the middle finger, it’s because he knows you aren’t a pure bred Aryan and deserve to be eradicated. Personally, I see him giving me the thumbs up while offering me all the guns and ammo I want to purge the world of the filth, so I hope you do as well. If not, keep it to yourself or we will find you.

Little William Smith isn’t speaking just yet, but his facial expressions and hand gestures are enough to get the message across. I mean, those eyes alone prove how perfect he really is. This child is 100% not a Jew and time will prove it as well.

Don’t you want to just snatch him up? Well, good news! For the low-low cost of this almost certainly reborn Hitler is going for only $98K! That’s a hell of a deal on a white baby anyway! Now, this is to a good Aryan home only, and the parents will be checking genetic markers to be certain.

Likes
1. The liberal agenda
2. Crushing prairie niggers with a rock
3. Peckerwoods
4. A warm bottle and a swaddling blanket
5. Pure bred Aryans
6. Witchcraft for power

Dislikes
1. Micks
2. Peace on Earth and a light hand
3. Tar babies
4. Shampoo that stings his eyes
5. Anti-racism school policies
6. Losing a fist fight


4. Gregory Adams
Being a runner up on the list for youngest doesn’t phase little Gregory Adams. Just look at how Aryan this little darling is! Those perfect blue eyes will just melt the heart of any Marquis while that golden hair will light the way to a more perfect, white future. Some would argue he isn’t as dedicated to the cause as much as some of the others since he has yet to participate in his first lynching, but his parents have been busy smoking pot using government money from their welfare. He has witnessed plenty of lynchings, however, so we can’t hold it against him for having lazy parents.

Since they are low on funds to buy Pabst Blue Ribbon and some high grade pot, you can adopt Gregory Adams today. The price is steep, set at $1.78 million (American currency only), but this little booger is just too cute to pass up if you’ve got the funds. Think of him like the sports car of all these little Hitler babies!

Likes
1. RAHOWA! (racial holy war)
2. The 14 Words
3. White Power
4. Southern Cops
5. Breast milk from a pure white woman
6. Colors and music from his toys

Dislikes
1. Republican congress
2. Gun control (but no one should like it)
3. Savage Nation radio show
4. Al Sharpton
5. Arrest and prosecution of lynch mobs
6. Strong women


5. Jimmy O’Keery
Ooh…sorry there, Jimmy…but you’re confusing Adolf Hitler with Vladimir Lenin. While there are a lot of similarities between the two, especially in Lenin’s replacement, Joseph Stalin, they aren’t the same people!

We can all appreciate the effort put out here, but we just can’t support Jimmy O’Keery as a cute Hitler baby. Sorry about that…


6. Wang Chung
Close, but no cigar there, chink-y! Your people are only good for one thing: Suicide plane attacks on an aircraft carrier.

See, we have to specify, because towel-heads are great at killing themselves in suicides as well.

I apologies…these people are also good at killing themselves by just killing themselves without hurting anyone else. Sometimes they even help each other!


7. Barak Antwaine Johnson
Wh…uh..wh…where the fuck do I even begin with how wrong this is? How did this nigger even get in here?

I’m going to fire whoever the hell did the image selection for this entry, I swear. We don’t put in pictures of minorities to show we’re “sensetive” and we most certainly don’t do it to come across not racist!

That does it…show me a picture of our goddess and queen!


Breast Cancer: Nature’s Lolcat

Breast Cancer is Nature's Lol Cat 1
Breast Cancer is Nature’s Lolcat

…according to the Susan B. Colmen Foundation, anyway. If you’re confused to what a lolcat is, it’s a meme in which an image macro of one or more cats has text that is idiosyncratic and grammatically shit. They’re also considered the number one most hilarious jokes ever created on the Internet, standing the tried and true test of time. Even ancient Egyptians had lolcats, going so far as to paint the walls of the pyramids with them in their resting chambers.

So, how does this all tie in? Well, breast cancer is pretty terrible and even ancient Egyptians dealt with it. In addition, breast cancer isn’t all that smart, just like cats, and even has pretty bad grammar. Nature throws breast cancer out, and it’s always a massively hilarious shock when you find out you have it. Especially when you’re a guy and get titty sickness! Oh, and let’s not forget cats get breast cancer, too. The joke keeps getting funnier!

The Susan B. Coleman Foundation every year recognizes the most hilarious breast cancer situations from around the world. They give out awards, called “Double D Dones”, to a handful of sufferers, with some of the most coveted trophies ever created. The Double D Dones go back to 1992 when the foundation first started the award ceremony. Thanks to advancement in the medical field women who receive the Double D Dones can actually get double d breasts back. One of the benefits of receiving the award is free breast augmentations. The best thing about the procedures is the breasts are completely fake, so the chance for cancer to take them again are almost zero.

Flat tittiesJust like every hilarious joke, the meme of breast cancer comedy jams has taken the world by storm. One would think there would be some negative backlash, but ever since the origin of the Internet, the meme of breast cancer comedy jams have been around. This completely predates Hampster Dance and even Nigger Chucking, the latter of which has fallen out of favor for Darkie Spear Dancing. With one search anyone can find a new breast cancer comedy jam almost every day!

Sadly, science is working on a 100% cure for breast cancer and they are getting extremely close. Right now there is a drug called tamoxifen being produced to prevent breast cancer with an 86% success rate. Obviously, this isn’t a popular outcome and people have been protesting in record numbers. The Susan B. Coleman Foundations has put up millions of dollars to prevent this terrible drug from coming to the masses, even going as far as suing doctors who give it to patients.

You can get involved in this protest and save the free augmented breasts by heading over to the Susan B. Coleman Foundation website and, the slightly less popular, Tat-tas for Da Wurld! website. Together we can keep breast cancer from becoming a legend, then a myth, and finally a religious justification to start a war!


What the shit do I have to do? (s)

So, it’s come to my attention several websites are blocked through network organizations such as Maraki or Apple stores for different reasons. One of these reasons is the classification of “Tasteless”. Some of these sites might be somewhat understandable, such as Ogrish, even if you don’t agree, but then there are others, such as Newgrounds, which don’t seem to fit. This brings me to my problem: Why the fuck am I not on there?

From what I can tell, there isn’t much difference between my writings and what are on most of those sites, especially the like of Something Awful or even Maddox. Sure you might argue the popularity or even writing style, but I swear I’ve stated some much more offensive things for the only reason of shocking someone. I’m kind of offended through all of my effort I haven’t been blocked on any of these filters yet. Hell, even in High School I had my Internet privileges revoked for a site I made which was hosted on the school server. I mean, I was still able to bypass all their security measures and use the Internet at school under a general user and password, but still.

Basically my goal has become this: By the end of the year, I want to be banned from viewing my own WordPress at work and/or on other networks, such as in an Apple store or even from Maraki in general.

This is going to take work. First of all, I won’t be displaying porn or dick picks. Secondly, it’s going to take writing a lot more often and a lot more “offensively”. Third…I don’t know… Fourth is profit in the discontent I have brought upon the world. You kids would do well to remember you measure your impact on the world not by the joy you bring to a few people in your life, but the amount of pain, anguish, and displeasure you have wrought upon a great number of people through both direct and indirect actions!

If I fail, then you all fail, because this is where you all come in. You’re going to need to spread this WordPress like SARS in a Japanese apartment building or AIDs in a San Francisco bakery. (There. That right there is what I was talking about earlier!) Let’s get on my dick to ride this bitch into the sun and take out the entire solar system. I’d say I’m counting on you, but I know I can only count on myself.

Forward. To the end of the world as I braise it in holy fire!