Domestic Violence – Cure Has Been Found!

This is great! Like two scoops or raisins!
The greatest news from specialists at the “Mayo Labs” has been released yesterday, and we’re glad to be one of the first people to bring it to you, thanks to use completely disregarding our NDA!

Since the beginning of time, or rather 1994 in America, we’ve been doing everything we can to end domestic violence by calling attention to it with special laws. We’ve originally believed the issue was deep routed psychological issues, or even a learned behavior from previous generations. All the research in the world didn’t seem to help. That is until now! What is this miracle cure which is guaranteed to stop any and all domestic violence? Here it is:

Shut the Fuck Up!

Yep. That’s it! Think about how simple an instruction this is. You’d think everything would be much more complicated, but the facts prove it really isn’t. Checking with current and former domestic violence victims we can see everything stems from not just keeping their mouth shut unless asked directly for a response…and even then it might be better to just shut up.

The Core Principle
At its core the principle is simple and yet complicated. As human beings, we’re conditioned to speak with others and even provide responses. Those of us who have been wronged are often found trying to find defense with our words. This faulted evolutionary trait must be fought and controlled if we are to continue to evolve as a species while also ending domestic violence.

Imagine this scenario:
Your husband/boyfriend/brother/guy friend comes home and he’s already in a bad mood. He has a history of knocking in your teeth for being a “disrespectful bitch” and he is expecting, not only a nice dinner, but a deep vacuum of the entire place. You managed to get a 100% perfect job on vacuuming the carpet, but the broccoli is slightly cold in the middle, meaning you didn’t cook it well enough.

Man – “What the fuck is this?!”
You – “Dinner…”
Man – “No! THIS IS SHIT! It’s FROZEN in the middle!”
You – “I did it the way…”

Suddenly he jumps across the table and punches your stupid face into the ground.

This was your fault. You didn’t keep your mouth shut! You shouldn’t have said anything.

Now let’s look at how you should have handled the same situation, but keeping your mouth shut:

Man – “What the fuck is this?!”
You – “…”
Man – “You fucking IGNORING ME?!”
You – “…”
Man – “YOU DISRESPECTFUL BITCH!”

Suddenly he jumps across the table, grabs you by the throat for a second and then stops sighing.

Man – “At least you did the fucking vacuuming! I’m going out for dinner. Eat your shit or starve!”

He then leaves, bangs a random bar slut, gets an STD, and then fucks your brains out later that night to assert his dominance. You are in a much better position this time!

Psychology of the Cure
The only psychology involved is your own. Keeping your mouth shut takes tremendous mental strength. By doing exercises such as no longer speaking to friends and family nor communicating with anyone at all, you can eventually learn to keep your mouth shut unless specifically asked to respond. Even when asked to respond, you should know exactly what is expected of you. This can take years, so getting out of the relationship just because you’re weak is ill advised.

Testimonials from the Participants
We’ve acquired some testimonials from participants of the original study for your reading pleasure. You’ll see the subject’s names and read their experience with it all, including how long it lasted before hand.


Name: Sarah McKennis
Nationality: Irish
Current Residence: Missouri
Results According to Subject:
My husband, Mitchell, was one of the hardest hitters I had ever been with. He would beat me until I would fall unconscious constantly. No matter what the conversation was about, it would end with me getting slugged in the face like it was there for visible punctuation. The exclamation marks were his favorite. His cock though…oh my god! It’s the biggest reason I didn’t leave him, and besides, I’m a strong woman and not a quitter.

When I heard of this study I told Mitchell. “GOOD!” he told me and busted my face open so deeply I ended up with six staples across my face from biting a hole in my own face. I didn’t even wait for my mistake to heal and went straight to the study.

How are things now? Well, I’ve learned to keep my mouth closed and only speak when I should be replying. As for why I’m in this hospital bed giving my evaluation…well…I forgot to check attitude at the door when he made a comment about feeling old. Rule number one is to shut the fuck up, and I didn’t. I told him it’s okay if he gets old and I still love him. My mistake! However, the study still stands and I give it a 100%


Name: Timmy Ashford
Nationality: American
Current Residence: New Mexico
Results According to Subject:
Stephen is my step-dad. Well, he’s my step-dad in the sense he’s always having sex with my mother, lives with us, eats all our food, drinks all day, refuses to marry my mom and give me a father in a proper family setting, all the while beating my ass raw. I used to be a bad kid, but now I know my place. I no longer make the same mistakes as so many of my friends do. He even lets me call him Stephen now and not “Master”.

What started me in the trial is when Stephen had been asking me to clean my room five or six times in a single day. Like I said, I was a bad kid in those days, and refused to do anything he said because I was angry at him for just being around. So, after the fifth or sixth time of him screaming for me to clean up my room, I yelled back, “FUCK YOU STEPHEN! You’re not even my real dad!” You can imagine the three hour beating with a belt, a hot curling iron, and his fists. He got so tired my mother even had to take over beating me when he broke his hands on my ass!

My mommy had enough of my attitude and couldn’t take the stress anymore, just knowing I would continue to make Stephen mad, so she looked through the papers on where she could take me. She stumbled upon the trial and enrolled me right away. I got time away from Stephen and learned to keep my mouth shut for my own good!

A+ program and I highly suggest all other bad kids, which is all kids, to enroll!


Name: Tiffany-Sage Haddler
Nationality: British
Current Residence: Idaho
Results According to Subject:
My mummy always wants me to wear bright colours and act as a lady, but I just didn’t like it all too much. Mummy does know what is best, but in my silly head I could just not see that as a fact and I acted up just like all these spoiled American brats. No longer do I, however!

I would talk back to my mummy and ask her what she knew, and the result would be immediate and severe slaps among my face and fanny. She would constantly ask me how I would ever expect to please a husband if I spoke back all the time. My daft reasoning was that I did not want to be a stay at home mummy like mummy, who earned money by bringing in strange men and making me watch so they would both pay more and finish faster. Oh, what a sod I was!

Thanks to this program, I now know a proper woman is seen and not heard. She does exactly that and more. The more is what my mummy teaches me. I now have the skills and education early enough to carry me throughout my adult life in order to become a proper lady of the house!

I will raise many cups of tea in the honour of this program!


Name: Julian Nielson
Nationality: Ameri-queer
Current Residence: Gay Bay
Results According to Subject:
Mmmm…my name is Julian, but call me Sally RoughRider! I love long walks on the beach, blonds, and butt sex! Tee hee!!!! I know this isn’t a dating service, you giggly gooses!

My life partner, Bruce, who I always call “OH damn! THAT MAN!!!!” in a loving way, used to break a foot off in my ass, and I don’t mean in a fun gay way. Oh no. He’d kick the shit out of me almost every time I opened my whore mouth. That was the problem, you see, since as a gay man I don’t know when to shut up. It’s just genetics, and you can’t fight genetics, but you can control your nasty habits like talking all the time.

The last straw was when Bruce came home drunk and stinking of both strange men and vagina. Trust me, you can tell the difference in that smell! Well, once again I opened my stupid whore mouth and he beat me to the point of needing medical treatment for damn near a month. While laying out in the hospital, he was reading me the obituaries to remind me I could end up in there, when I caught a glimpse of this trial and knew I needed help.

Now I only open my mouth to suck dick! Great improvement! Much love!

I ♥ (‿|‿)!


There you have it, everyone! Keep your fucking mouth shut if you don’t want to get your ass beat by your significant other. Doesn’t just work for normal people and women: It’s obviously great for gays and children, too!

Know your place!

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Spiritual Pressure Overload! (Most epic, best damn Power Rangers and Bleach fan fiction crossover ever written!)

Power Rangers: Multiverse - Spiritual Pressure Overload!

“O Lord, mask of blood and flesh, all creation, flutter wings, you who bears the name of Man, Inferno and Pandemonium, the sea barrier surges, march on to the south! Shakkahō!”

Streaking out across the sky, the red energy ball flies with incredible speed toward the hollow.

“Ichigo, now!” Rangiku shouts out as the blast smacks the beast in the face, blinding it and forcing it sliding backwards.

“ON IT! Rukia, back me up!” Ichicgo instructs as he rushes forward with a powerful shunpo.

“I’m with you!” Rukia called back, dashing to the backside of the creature from her flanking position.

They had been hunting this hollow for weeks now and they weren’t going to give it a chance to get away this time. Oddly, this hollow had the spiritual pressure close to most arrancar, but it wasn’t even a vasto lorde, let alone an adjucha. No one hunting it, even Mayuri Kurotsuchi, understood it, but he was excited for the opportunity to dissect it as quickly as possible. Having been named Glutton B by Shunsui Kyōraku, the hallow managed to make a mess of both Karakura Town and Kagomino City as well. Devouring around three hundred souls a week, Glutton B needed to be stopped immediately.

Converging on the hollow, both Ichigo and Rukia raised their weapons for a strike. Eyes flashing, Glutton B stopped mid-slide and stretched both arms out to its side while laughing. Just as the duo brought their zanpakuto down on it, a bright flash, followed by a massive air blast rang out, blinding everyone. When the dust settled, neither Ichigo, Rukia nor the hollow could be seen. Their spiritual pressure completely gone from detection.

At that same moment…
Blocking the kick aimed at his head, Dustin moved forward in counter attack, punching Sky directly in his balls. Sky tried to scream in pain, but couldn’t be heard, his voice in such a high registry humans couldn’t hear it. Several dogs began barking in terror and apathy of the agony they were hearing, however. Channeling his Ranger powers into his feet, Dustin jumped into the air, taking Sky with him by the crotch and dropped him off five feet higher than he was. With an epic back-flip finish, Dustin landed on the mat slightly before Sky did, who sounded like a sack of semi-rigid dicks upon impact.

Everyone in the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice Bar cheered at how awesome the fight they just watched was. It was literally one of the most epic non-morphed fight sequences witnessed, and that’s saying something. Imagine the best fight ever made by Proxicide, you know, the guy who made Street Fighter vs Mortal Kombat, and R1665, the guy who made Exiles, and then amp it to 11 from their 11, giving you about 23 with carrying over shitting yourself, and that’s what you’d have seen. Look, sometimes your imagination is better than what you’d read, so…yeah…

“I know someone who’s going to let her junk be treated like a punching bag!” Jen exclaimed, jumping up and down, clapping her hands. Walking away like a bad ass, Dustin simply shook the hand he used to give Sky the most permanent vasectomy ever provided. Throwing herself against Dustin, Jen started to dry hump him in front of everyone.

“That’s amazing… Ziggy, the power enhancers you had Doctor K create are some serious bad ass technology,” Tommy stated, giving Ziggy a high five for being so cool, but this was Ziggy Grover…the Ranger god, so Tommy was really just wanting to touch him.

“Of course. You’ll have half access to Ranger power at any time when not morphed. Understandably, you won’t ever be as powerful as me even still,” Ziggy stated, combing his hair back and fixing his sunglasses. Ziggy was so awesome he even wore the shades inside most of the time and no one ever said a word about it. It also helped his glasses doubled as a means to detect trouble and were completely clear when looking through them on the inside when necessary. Several people rushed over to help Sky by dragging him into a chair and placed a few whiskey sours in front of him. Sky’s eyes were rolled back into his head and a constant stream of drool spilled from his mouth.

“Ay dios mio! He doesn’t look good!” Carlos exclaimed, grabbing Sky’s wrist and checking his pulse, “Well, his heart is beating, but that swelling in his pants isn’t from a churro!” Groaning in a high pitched whine was Sky’s only response.

“Well, as long as he’s alive, he’ll be fine,” Dustin stated through the tongue bath Jen was currently giving him, “Come on, Jen. Let’s finish this in the bathroom like responsible young adults!” Jen simply giggled after jumping off Dustin and grabbed his wrist, dragging him into the men’s room.

“I hope they don’t slip on the mess in the men’s room. I don’t think anyone cleaned up since Jen and I were in there ten minutes ago. I feel bad for whoever has to as well. It’s dripping from the ceiling,” Ziggy stated, finally taking his glasses off and folding them into his pocket.

“What I don’t like is how quiet Evildron has been lately. We haven’t seen a monster attack in almost a month…” Carlos mused, scratching the back of his head.

“After the ass kicking we gave him last time, I think he may have given up!” Tommy stated, throwing a few awesome punches at nothing, “That ass will never be the same!”

“Funny,” Ziggy said flatly, walking toward the bar to get more alcohol, “Jen told me the same thing on our way out of the bathroom.” Through his pain, Sky manged a very high pitched, “Ew!”

In the villain’s base…
Evildron was serious the last time. He was now on vacation and nothing was going to ruin it for him. Granted, his vacation was watching intergalactic Netflix and drinking, but it was his way of relaxing. All the while, Sloan had been working tirelessly to get his creation up and running. Everything Evildron had was available to Sloan, but he wasn’t allowed to use any of the previously created monsters, and that included the lackeys, to attack the Rangers.

“Ah, that’s the ticket!” Evildron said to himself as he slammed back another beer from his twenty four pack next to his recliner, “What the hell has Sloan been up to all this time, I wonder…eh, fuck it. I need me more intergalactic ecchi!”

Down in the depths of the evil lair Sloan was still hard at work. Replacing the candles and bright spot lights for energy efficient LED lights for better visibility, he typed so quickly he was sweating.

“Just a few more lines of code and you’ll be finished!” Sloan exclaimed over to his monster, currently hidden in a large crate with numerous tubes attached to it, all of which smoked randomly. Almost in reply, the creation made an angry groaning noise. Sipping on a hot tea, Sloan entered in a few more keystrokes before a bright flashing “Sequence Finished” appeared on his screen, making him laugh like a possessed man. From no where, a pipe organ sounded off in a C chord, shaking the entire foundation, then was followed by heavy metal guitar riffs.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Evildron screamed as he was thrown from his chair. Picking himself up, he ran as quickly as he could down into the lair while plugging his ears and screaming in anger. Reaching Sloan, the music slowly faded out and came to an end. Twisting one of Sloan’s ears, Evildron began shouting directly into it.

“What did I tell you about the music?!” Evildron bellowed, “We agreed you would stop that every time you made a discovery, or finished making brownies!” Sloan groaned and twisted, desperately trying to get away from Evildron’s grasp. Finally slapping Evildron’s hand away, Sloan slinked toward the container housing his creation.

“Sorry! I thought with the completion of my ultimate monster I could have an exception. Besides, it just seemed like a cool thing to do…” Sloan whined, rubbing his sore ear, “Do you want to see it?” Shrugging and cracking open another beer he had carried in his hoodie pocket, Evildron motioned for Sloan to continue. Walking over the container, Sloan stretched his arms out to his sides, fingers clawed upwards.

“Gentleman! What you are about to see is my life’s work! An ultimate creation if you will! This will be my final thesis for my doctrine! The destruction of the Power Rangers will just be gravy on my mashed potatoes, in which I will also dip my turkey! BEHOLD!” Sloan shouted, pounding on the box. After the third pound, the hoses hooked up began to blow off their connection ports, spewing smoke, possibly toxic, around the room and blinding anyone near it, including Evildron.

Coughing like crazy and holding on to his beer while trying to cover his face, Evildron was already not amused at the theatrics Sloan was putting on. If he was trying to impress him, he wasn’t doing a very good job at it. With thunderous slams, which also cleared away the smoke due to the impact with the ground, the container fell open revealing a four story tall metal cat. Not a lion, but a cat. Like a calico or tabby. However, this cat was adorned in gold, silver, unobtainium, and black zirconium. There may have even been some mithril and adamentium in it, but those were extremely difficult to get a hold of, even for Evildron.

“Hmph,” Evildron said, hammering back his beer and tossing the empty container off to the side with a loud burp, “It’s okay, I guess…what do you call this…this…thing, anyway?”

“Isn’t it obvious? It’s the Large Operational Leonine Combat Attack Titan!” Sloan said happily, slapping his hands together in one loud clap.

“I don’t get it…” Evildron stated, scratching his growing beer gut.

“Really?” Sloan asked shocked, “Large Operational Leonine Combat Attack Titan? L.o.l. C.a.t!”

“L.o.l. C.a.t?” Evildron stated in half question before pointing an accusing finger right at Sloan, “NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!!”

“That’s not very nice… Well, look at it closer! It has it’s own intelligence! It’s basically living metal! Also, it can be combined with a pilot in a direct mental link to enhance it’s powers. Watch this,” Sloan instructed Evildron as he punched in a few codes into his wrist controller, which he took out of a coat pocket. In a small yellow light, Sloan was teleported away and into the L.o.l. C.a.t. Rearing back, it echoed out a half meow, half growl. “Impressed now?!” Sloan asked, his voice blasting out hidden speakers.

“I don’t know. It’s just lacking a certain aesthetic, really. No sexual nature. No questionable power connected to that sexual nature…” Evildron hummed. Suddenly, the entire ground started shaking once again, this time not caused by anything the villains were doing. Being forced to the ground as if gravity suddenly increased a hundred times, Evildron grunted and tried to force himself to stand to no avail.

“What’s going on Evildron?!” Sloan whined, unaffected to the pressure bearing down on them due to being in the L.o.l. C.a.t. The fabric of reality began to tear directly in front of them, revealing a pulsing dark, purple and black nothingness. Reaching out from it was a sickly white arm with a reverberating scream causing them both to cover their ears. Like glass shatter, the doorway exploded into countless shards and disappeared.

Standing where the portal appeared was a tall creature nearly as tall as the L.o.l. C.a.t, but almost completely white except for some black and orange tribal stripes scattered about its body. Instead of a regular face, the creature had what looked like a skull, but smoother. There were no eyes, just dark portals with small yellow dots. Opening its massive jaw to take a deep breath, the creature’s tongue snaked out of its body. Snapping the jaws shut, the creature exhaled a small blast of grey smoke from the nostril holes. Looking around the cave, the creature grabbed Evildron with one hand and effortlessly picked him up. Bringing him close to his skull, the hollow first sniffed Evildron and then licked him.

“Oh, that’s, just…just disgusting!” Evildron complained, kicking his legs trying to get away, drool running down his face. Looking Evildron over once again, the hollow tossed him to the side, obviously no impressed at all.

“Evildron! What is that thing?! What’s with the hole in the middle of its chest?!” Sloan shouted from inside his creation. Hearing the voice, Glutton B turned and grabbed the L.o.l. C.a.t. by the neck and started choking it, screaming in frustration. “Stop! STOP!” Sloan screamed in terror as the creature grabbed the L.o.l. C.a.t. even tighter and began to devour it face first. “NOOOOO!” Sloan shrieked Suddenly, there was another explosion of energy, this time a blinding white beam and a blast wave so fierce it blew off the ceiling, destroying Evildron’s house above.

“Oh, you mother fucker!” Evildron shouted in anger as he got up, “I’ll make you pay for that! I’ll…drown you in a bag in the river!” As everything settled, the hollow had merged with the L.o.l. C.a.t, taking on a more feline look. The pressure he felt when he first arrived was even stronger and once again pinned him to the ground. In a scream of victory, the hollow leapt from the deep crater to the rim with no effort. Turning its attention to the city, it began running with massive speed, its spear like tail whipping behind it as it ran.

Back at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice Bar…
Primal screams came from the men’s room as Dustin and Jen finished their savage screw session. Sky was finally feeling better, though the swelling in his crotch was still pretty bad, however, the whiskey sours were taking care of a lot of his pain.

“Glad to see you’re more among the living,” Tommy told him, slapping his shoulder, “You got knocked the fuck out, though!”

“Yeah, Dustin may be a dweeb, but he’s one hell of a fighter…always has been! Something’s been bothering me, though…with this injury to my balls Jen’s still…” Sky trailed off, believing his damaged sack meant Jen couldn’t possibly be his future relative.

“What are you talking about? Jen…” Tommy began to say, but was cut off sharply from their communicators springing to life.

“Rangers! Emergency! Evildron has just released his newest monster. It’s like nothing we’ve ever detected before!” Zorgon’s voice actually sounded stressed out.

“So much for the break,” Carlos stated disappointed, “We’ll take care of it Zordon, no problem.”

“Good, Rangers. The monster is heading for Angel Bay Crest Grove Municipal Park. Be careful! Alpha 5 and I are getting some really strange readings from this thing. Also, tell Dustin and Jen to finish in the bathroom. You might want to call a hazmat team for clean up,” Zordon instructed.

“What the hell, Zordon! You mean you’ve been spying on us?!” Dustin’s angry voice questioned over the communicators.

“I spy an all of you all the time. Remember that. Now get going!” Zordon demanded.

“Let’s see how good these power enhancers really are!” Sky stated, standing up slowly, “I’m going to try running there instead of just teleporting. Besides, it’ll look cool!” Looking at each other, both Tommy and Ziggy shrugged and then nod in agreement to Sky’s proposition.

Channeling all the Ranger power they could into their legs, the group, except for Jen, who was still too weak from the groin slamming she received, rushed out toward the park to help.

At the park…
L.o.l. Glutton slammed hard down onto the ground, watching people running away in terror. Thanks to the enhancements from Sloan’s creation, the hollow was even more terrifying than before. With Sloan being mentally connected to the L.o.l. C.a.t. a the time of being fused with it, this hollow now had a heightened intelligence as well. Several people, much more sensitive to spiritual pressure than others, were immediately pinned to the ground, causing L.o.l. Glutton to target and devour their souls, but not without batting them around a few times for fun first.

In color appropriate streaks, the Rangers arrived at the park, awestruck at the sight before them. They had never seen anything like this before, nor had they ever felt spiritual pressure. Fear ran down everyone’s spines when L.o.l. Glutton reared back its head, letting out a fierce hollow style scream, with an underlying cat meow.

“What…the…fuck?!” Sky stuttered out, feeling as though he were being pressed down with a massive weight across his entire body. Everyone felt the same and were now using most of their Ranger powers just to keep standing up.

“Hey guys! What did I..!” Jen said, rushing in and immediately being forced to the ground, her crotch making a squishing noise as she did, “WHAT IS THAT?!”

“It’s about to be dead, that’s what it is!” Ziggy shouted, “Get into mother fucking gear!” Following Ziggy’s lead, the Rangers performed their choreography and morphed, a massive power explosion behind them taking out half a block and killing ten people fleeing for their lives. Sensing a change in power, L.o.l. Glutton turned its attention to the Rangers and let out a loud hollow roar and was enveloped in a yellow light streaked with black energy. Now standing around 6’5″ tall, L.o.l. Glutton took on a more human like look with lithe feline characteristics, the tail pointed directly at the Rangers. Even though the creature was smaller now, the Rangers were having a hard time just standing. With an eye flash, L.o.l. Glutton sped through the Rangers faster than they could see. Now behind them, the hollow began to laugh as the Rangers each took significant damage, sparks flying off of their suits as they were tossed into the air like rag dolls.

“O Lord, mask of flesh and bone, all creation, flutter of wings, ye who bears the name of man, truth and temperance, upon this sinless wall of dreams unleash but slightly the wrath of your claws! Hado number thirty three: Sōkatsui!”

Blue energy blasted L.o.l. Glutton directly in its chest, but did nothing except create smoke. Looking down at where it was hit, the hollow simply scratched the area and looked around for the source of attack. Ichigo came down from the sky and brought down both blades of Zangetsu onto L.o.l. Glutton’s shoulders, striking as hard as he can, but the blades do nothing except come from a dead stop.

“What the?!” Ichicgo calls out as the hollow’s tail wraps around him and brings him face to face with the creature, ” What are you?!” Roaring in Ichigo’s face, L.o.l. Glutton tosses him to Rukia and increases its spiritual pressure. Reaching its full power, L.o.l. Glutton pinched its nipples, at least where its nipples would be, and laughed. Striking a pose similar to Michael Jackson in Beat It, it then began to moon walk before spinning in a circle, grabbing its groin, thrusting forward and blowing a kiss to both Ichigo and Rukia.

“That’s not normal behavior for a hollow… What’s going on here?” Rukia questioned Ichigo, her sword at the ready. As L.o.l. Glutton kept making lewd gestures, such as the international sign for eating pussy and sucking dick, the Power Rangers managed to shake off the damage they received and rushed in to attack. Sky was the firs to reach it and delivered a massive volley of fire enhanced kicks rapidly all over the creature before jumping away. Jen was next, striking the monster with attacks channeling water. Carlos arrived and used his Hispanic inspired personality to bash L.o.l. Glutton with wind based attacks, you know, because of lawn work such as leaf blowing. Dustin pummeled it with rapid punches wrapped in earth. Ziggy rushed in next and engulfed the hallow in almost total darkness, collapsing the pocket dimension he created, with Tommy following up with a blast similar to Goku full of light energy. L.o.l. Glutton was blown sideways and through a building, ending with an even more massive explosion of energy, which would have killed another ten or twelve people if they were still around.

“WOO!” Jen shouted and jumped into everyone’s arms, rapidly kissing them all through her helmet while dry humping Sky’s chest, “We did it!”

“Bueno! We kick in its culo!” Carlos shouted, taking a victory boob grab.

“Never fuck with a Power Ranger!” Tommy exclaimed, slapping Jen on the ass.

“Hey! What are you idiots doing?! What’s going on here?!” Ichigo yelled at them all as he and Rukia ran up to them. Instantly dropping the foreplay to their orgy, the Rangers all stood in a line, looking the two over.

“Who are we? We’re the ones who destroyed Evildron’s latest monster. Who the fuck are YOU?!” Sky asked, pointing directly at Ichigo.

“They don’t appear to be quincies and they’re obviously not shinigami…fullbringers maybe?” Rukia half asked, “We’re soul reapers! I’m surprised you can see us!”

“Of course we can see you. We’re the god damn Power Rangers, little girly. Now run along you before you get hurt, or pregnant,” Ziggy instructed, waving her off.

“How dare you! I am Rukia Kuchiki and have lived ten of your miserable lives! How dare you call me little girly or imply I’d be so easily knocked up!” Rukia screamed back, pointing her zanpakuto directly at him.

“Easy, Rukia. Don’t be so damn rude, you jerk. Look, we got off on the wrong foot. I’m Ichigo Kurasaki, what are your names?” Ichigo asked, attempting to break the tension.

Jumping into a quick huddle, the Rangers agree to introduce themselves and did so while shaking their hands. From the wreckage of the building destroyed when L.o.l. Glutton was knocked back, the hollow arose one again, screaming in anger, powered up even more than before, causing massive waves of spiritual pressure to come down on everyone.

“I…will…make…you all…eat…my dick!” L.o.l. Glutton moaned out in anger. Obviously due to Sloan’s influence the hollow as now able to talk; this was rare unless it was a much more powerful type, such as a vasto lorde.

“Oh no! Looks like you didn’t take care of it as well as you thought!” Ichigo exclaimed, the hollow rushing them all and coming to a sudden stop, a blast wave knocking them all backwards several hundred feet. Continuing to scream, L.o.l. Glutton began to grow in size and power, until it stood over the tallest buildings in the area. Leaning forward, it then inhaled sharply and began to suck up souls for miles around, causing his power to continuously grow.

Standing with lots of groaning and whining, the Rangers, along with the two soul reapers, looked up at the incredible image before them.

“This is bad…really, really bad!” Sky shouted, “We’re going to need the Megazords! Ziggy…I hope those enhancements to combine with our Zord are finished!”

“Obviously! Don’t worry. As long as you don’t fuck up, it’ll work!” Ziggy replied, “You two, just sit this one out!”

“Don’t count us out! Ichigo…we’re going to have to go bankai,” Rukia instructed. Resting his sword on his shoulder, Ichigo shook his head.

“I haven’t even tried going bankai with my new zanpakuto…I’m not even sure I can fully manifest it yet,” Ichigo replied, looking up at the hollow, “The last thing we need is for it to back fire…”

“I believe in you. Always move forward!” Rukia encouraged him, grabbing him by the collar and shaking him lightly.

“Okay, okay! But what about you? Your bankai only lasts four seconds and is good for one attack…” Ichigo said with concern. The last time he saw Rukia use her bankai, it nearly killed her.

“Don’t worry about me… I’ve been training really hard,” Rukia said with a smirk. Nodding, Ichigo brought both of his swords together while Rukia lined up Sode no Shirayuki.

“Bankai!” they both shouted at the same time, channeling as much power as possible. Energy swirled around them and exploded, blinding everyone. Dust continued to spin around them as their power released.

“Yami ni rirīsu Zangetsu…” Ichigo could be heard saying.

“Hakka no Togame…” Rukia’s voice was heard next. As the dust cleared and the wind stopped, Ichigo and Rukia stood in their bankai forms in this world: The Gold and Silver Rangers!

“What’s this?!” Ichigo asked, looking himself over rapidly, surprised at his new look.

“Yeah, this isn’t my bankai!” Rukia replied, equally shocked at the transformation. Everyone had communicators now, even Ichigo and Rukia, and the speaker sprang to life.

“Congratulations, soul reapers, on becoming Power Rangers! With your new powers comes new techniques. Call upon your Megazords and assist the other rangers in taking out your hollow!” Zordon’s voice shouted in happiness.

“RIGHT!” Ichigo and Rukia both shouted, turning back to back, with one foot raised and touching the heel of the other, one arm over their heads and pointing with both hands at the other Rangers.

“Rukia?” Ichigo asked.

“Yes, Ichigo..?” Rukai responded.

“What the hell are we doing?” Ichigo asked, jumping away and stomping his foot.

“I don’t…I don’t know…it just seemed so natural…” Rukia responded, “So…let’s just call these Megazords then… Let’s see here… There’s the command!” Without any noticible effect, both Rukia and Ichigo were in the Gold and Silver Megazords. Ichigo’s Megazord was like a ninja with a long, thin blade, much like his original bankai with Tensa Zangetsu. Rukia’s Megazord was like a geisha, only it had a traditional looking katana swirling with ice.

“Wow, look at those Megazords!” Jen shouted, pointing excitedly, “Let’s get our Megazord combined with Ziggy’s!” The two Megazords walked up to each other, and began to dance like two middle schoolers trying to twerk on each other. Spinning around and slapping the Megazord on the ass, Ziggy’s Ultimate Battlezord then fused with it. Standing there before them was a Megazord they decided was the Fucking Ultimate Battlezord Ascension Realized, or F.U.B.A.R. They weren’t very good at this.

“Kick ass!” Dustin screamed, seeing the awesome interior of the F.U.B.A.R, and instantly getting a massive boner, “This is some beautifully detailed work! It’ll be nice to beat up on Evildron’s creations in luxury!”

“That isn’t one of Evildron’s creations, you idiots,” Ichigo told them through their telepathic connections from the new Megazords, “That’s a hollow from our world! It eats souls to grow in strength. It may have managed to absorb something in this world to become as strong as it is now.”

“Who the shit cares? We’re going to knock its shit in…literally!” Ziggy shouted, followed by a, “RIGHT!” from every other Ranger in the F.U.B.A.R. Rushing toward the hollow, they punched it stomach, causing it to stop inhaling souls and bend forward. Placing a hand on the back of its neck, the Rangers spun around behind it and began to fist its ass repeatedly with their Power Fist of Justice.

“Pound that ass!” Ichigo shouted and then stopped, blinked, and looked over at Rukia, “What’s happening to me?”

“I don’t know, but I want in on this!” Rukia giggled and rushed L.o.l. Glutton and wrapped her legs around its face, “RIDE ‘EM GIRL!”

“See if you can hold on for more than eight seconds!” Ichigo laughed, completely gone at this point, “Time to plug its hole!” Jumping into the air while screaming, “YAHOO!”, Ichigo dropped down onto the hollow’s back and began to fist the hole while laughing like a mad man. Having enough of the attention given to him, L.o.l. Glutton reared back and blasted them all off of him with an area cero. All the Megazords were knocked across several buildings, killing hundreds who had gathered to watch, including half of the city’s news crews.

“I will devour all life!” L.o.l. Glutton screamed and began to power up once again.

“We need to end this NOW!” Ichigo shouted, “Let’s combine our attack!” The Megazords lined up, shoulder to shoulder.

“I’m transferring the chant to all of you! As soon as you receive it, repeat it together and we’ll combine it into one massive bakudo!” Rukia instructed. Punching in a few commands, the transmission was complete and they all chanted at once.

“You who is crowned with the name of Man, wearing a Mask of blood and flesh, flying on ten thousand fluttering wings, with Thunder’s carriage and an empty Spinning Wheel, break the Light into six pieces, carve a twin Lotus on a wall of Pale Blue Flames, and await the Blazing Fires to reach the Distant Heavens! Bakudo number sixty one: Rikujōkōrō!”

Six beams of light slammed into the hollow’s mid section, paralyzing it and holding it in place.

“NOW!” Tommy called out. Every Megazord let loose its ultimate attack, striking the hollow almost at the same time, causing it to scream in agony before slowly disappearing and the smaller particles exploding in the air, killing another twenty people with the shockwaves.

Back at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice Bar
A large party was awaiting the Rangers as they returned, full open bar, and all they could eat food. Ichigo and Rukia were feeling slightly more like themselves, but they couldn’t shake the impression this messed up universe was having on them.

“Excellente job, vatos!” Carlos said, slapping Ichigo on the back. Ichigo just gave him a thumbs up and a smile while taking a seat.

“ Thanks, uh, I think…we really should be going…” Rukia stated, pulling on Ichigo’s arm.

“But…I haven’t slut you up as a thank you, yet!” Jen stated, starting to dry hump Ichigo’s leg.

“Well, I guess we could…HEY!” Ichigo shouted as Rukia forcefully pulled him off the stool.

“You’ve all been wonderful. Take care!” Rukia shouted, opening a door to the soul society and dragging Ichigo with him before they were completely over taken by the dimension’s ability to mess with their heads.

“Well, pooh…” Jen stated. Sky slowly slid up to her, giving her a wink, and they both ran off to the men’s room.

“Glad to see everything ended up in our favor. Looks like we really taught Evildron a lesson again. Hopefully we won’t have to deal with any more of those hollows, or whatever they’re called,” Dustin said, slamming back a Bacardi and diet, finally manning up and drinking booze.

“Like Tommy always says, ‘Don’t fuck with the Rangers!’” Ziggy said, doing an even more epic spin kick than Tommy ever could.

“Speaking of fucking with Rangers…where’s Sky and Jen?” Tommy asked, looking around. Screams of agony and passion erupted from the bathroom as Sky finished Jen in record time and came out smiling and sweating.

“Wow…she is good!” Sky said, dropping into a chair exhausted.

“Uh, Sky..?” Tommy said slowly, “What, uh…what did you do?”

“Well, dumb ass, since my balls are busted, I realized she couldn’t possibly be my great, great, great granddaughter,” Sky said, putting his hand up for a high five.

“Sky…ALEX would be your biological descendant…Jen was married in to the family. So, technically, she’s still your granddaughter,” Tommy informed him, deadpanned look.

“…oh…shit…” Sky said, slumping forward and dropping his arm.

Back at the location the hollow was defeated
Evildron was looking over the destruction caused by Sloan’s failure. Shaking his head and drinking his fifth of Jack Daniels out of a brown paper bag (no open containers…not even with this amount of evil around. Can’t change all the laws) Evildron took note of all the impressive buildings and trees still standing. In front of him, a pile of rubble began to move on its own, so he stepped closer to investigate, kicking some of the debris away.

“Sloan?!” Evildron shouted as Sloan climbed out of the wreckage, “My word, you survived! Well…get off your ass and back to the lair. You have to rebuild my god damn house!” Reaching up and covered in dark energy, Sloan grabbed Evildron by the throat and began to inhale, pulling on his soul as did. Evildron felt the life leaving him when Sloan finally stopped, his soul snapping back into his body.

“No, Evildron. You will rebuild it, and you will rebuild it to my specifications. Just remember…I can do that any time I want!” Sloan stated, his voice deeper, his muscles larger (well, for a nerd), and his eyes burning with a dark fire.


WOW! EPIC AS SHIT! Where is this going next?! Will there ever be another Gold and Silver Ranger? Who the fuck knows..?

Little Known Legendary Creatures #1 – Buffalo Wing Fairy

Legend of the Buffalo Wing Fairy

There are more things under Heaven…I could look up how the rest of this goes since I’m already on the Internet, but I’m too lazy to do it. Besides, I’m not here to quote Stephen Hawking, I’m here to talk about some little known legendary creatures.

Almost everyone knows about the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, The Boogey Man, and the Chanukah kawala, but how many of you out there know of the others? I’m talking about creatures such as the Cheese Goblin, or even the Buffalo Wing Fairy. How sad it is we have already begun to forget about these amazing creatures.

So, what I’m going to do is tell you about them here! First up, we’re going to learn about the Buffalo Wing Fairy!


Origin
Little is known of the origins for the Buffalo Wing Fairy. It first appeared in literature around 1968 in Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World. The book has this to say about the entity:

Buffalo Wing Fairy is a great and mighty marques. He is common among the fraternities in the Eastern seaboard area of the United States. He commeth abroad in the form of a love child between Chuck Norris and Bob Ross with multi-colored wings reminiscent of marshmallow fruit candies. Unlike the hidden fist bearded Chuck Norris and the happy painting Bob Ross, however, the creature produces deliciously fried chicken wings lightly battered and tossed in a fiery sauce which is pleasing to the palette. He understandeth all things good and bad with a fraternaty pledge and member alike, while he ruleth six legions of divils.

Still, there are suggestions he may be much older than that. Reading older texts shows a similar creature mentioned, but producing other items for consumption going back to 200BC. The book Falsum Libro Daemones, the Even Lesser Key of Solomon the King, writes about this creature and has this to say:

The one hundreth seventy first spirit is Bhainsa viṅga parī. He is summoned by placing a container of fermented wheat beneath a head resting while sleeping. In the night, he shall approach. Should you have been truly good and deserving, he shall accept your offering and in return place a plate of crispy delicacies upon your chest for consumption upon your awakening. He appears as being bathed in light, his faced adorned by a mighty beard which may or may not hide something and his head is crowned by a ball of dark brown, maybe red, hair which is both entertaining and happy. Upon his chest is a massive blue B against his off white robe, which only comes down to his mid thighs. He is in control of six legions of demons.

Were the “crispy delicacies” buffalo wings? We can’t say for sure, but it does some what match what we know now of the creature.

Originally the Buffalo Wing Fairy seemed to be only reported in America, but it is now being recorded wherever buffalo wings are being made.


Powers
The Buffalo Wing Fairy has some strange powers. Not only does the Buffalo Wing Fairy have the ability to enter into any structure in order to collect beer as an offering, it can appear in multiple locations at once. No amount of research has explained if there are many Buffalo Wing Fairies or if this is one creature existing in multiple areas at once.

The buffalo wings produced are said to be the greatest in existence. Because no one has been able to resist the urge to eat all of the wings upon waking up, there has been no research in examining what makes them so delicious. Many restaurants have opened in an attempt to produce the amazing flavors, but none have been successful, though it is worth noting the flavors they have come up with are wonderful.

All attempts to contact the Buffalo Wing Fairy have resulted in failure. Since the creature is obviously telepathic by some means, it can detect the traps set up and will refuse to collect the beer as an offering, meaning no buffalo wings. Children are also unable to contact the Buffalo Wing Fairy unless they are of legal drinking age in the area of the world in which they reside.


Residence
Like Santa Clause living in The North Pole, the Buffalo Wing Fairy has its own area of dominion. While little is known about where it resides, we do have this excerpt from Mertvoye kniga iz Eksperta, author unknown:

Flying into the homes to collect beer, but not hard liquor such as vodka, this creature is known to few. According to one account of a conversation, the creature said it comes from a land of bubbling oil and crumbs of many special breads. Dripping from the species of an unknown plant, the secretions are added to the chicken, after it is cooked, for the most amazing, and heavenly, of flavors. All the chicken used is free range, antibiotic free, and no artificial hormones are added, nor are there any extra preservatives. One must be truly good and deserving to taste the succulent treats it offers.

Could the unknown substance placed on the chicken wings from the plants be what the Greeks called ambrosia? It sure seems likely!


Role in Modern Society
With the decrease of many beliefs this day in age, the role of the Buffalo Wing Fairy seems to be one of tragic forgetfulness. Since people now prefer to simply drink all their beers rather than offer them to the creature in exchange for the wings, coupled with the ability to easily get buffalo wings, the Buffalo Wing Fairy could disappear into obscurity.

Still to this day many fraternities actively pursue the Buffalo Wing Fairy in order to bring them the delicious wings, and the trend is once again beginning to catch on with those who are hungry for wings and don’t wish to attend the travesty known as Buffalo Wild Wings. There have even been whispers of some sororities, such as Kappa Kappa Kappa and Ti Sto Diáolo participating in these practices.


Practice vs. Christianity
Christianity has a strong anti-occult practice rule. However, this has not stopped Christians from either ignoring this rule, or making an attempt to bring the secular into their religion, which is against their religion’s rules. Many Christians celebrate Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, and even allow their children to believe in the Tooth Fairy and/or Santa Clause, all of which are a pagan ritual at the core, and therefore, a huge sin against their rules.

So, why stop there? Allowing one self to offer beer to a slightly overweight man with wings who happens to wear an outfit so tiny even Peter Pan would blush seems right in line. There are even those out there who claim since this isn’t an actual worship, there is “no harm, no foul”. Believe what you wish.


Summoning and Spiritual Rankings
Summoning of the Buffalo Wing Fairy seems to require a beer which is cold in either a can or, preferably, a long neck container and placed under your pillow. At some time during the night, if you had been truly good and deserving, the Buffalo Wing Fairy will place a plate of buffalo wings on your chest so you can eat them upon waking. If the summoning isn’t true or you do not meet the requirements, the Buffalo Wing Fairy will not come, you will not have hot wings, and your beer will be ruined.

Rank: Marquis
Sign: 10° – 19.59.59° Virgo (September 14 – 22)
Time of Day: After Midnight, but before Dawn
Planet: Uranus
Metal: Bone and Skin (not really a metal, but considered)
Command: 6 Legions
Tarot Card: 2 of Jestershttp://imgur.com/TyGWjtc

Letter from my HOA over my fireworks

Look, Fourth of July is freaking awesome.  Almost as awesome as Halloween, but not quite…so probably on level with Christmas.  What’s not to love about lighting things on fire legally?

Well, I have been celebrating all week with a combination of Jack Daniels, Dr. McGillicuddy’s, and fireworks.  Yeah, I’ve been that excited over the book and Fourth of July.  Not sharing my enthusiasm for America’s independence, my HOA, Soul Suck HOA, has issued me to stop!  Can you believe that?!

Man, I hate HOA’s…they suck so bad.  Here’s a scanned copy of that letter they sent me (click for a larger view in a separate window):
Soul Suck HOA hates July 4th!

Man…fuck those guys!  What nazis!  Also, a SAFE 4th?  Unless someone lights their hair on fire or looses a finger, my night isn’t complete!

The worst Tuesday night! (Nighter Life Blog)

Welcome back, Nighters.  First of all I’d like to thank all of you.  I’m glad you’ve all been enjoying my entries and made the Nighter Life Blog so popular!  When I first started this blog, I just knew there were others like me out there, I just didn’t realize there were so many of you!  Now I know I’m not alone out there in the Nighter scene and the 2015 Meet-n-Greet was a huge success.  Sure Chuck E. Cheese may not seem as fun at 3AM to other people, but you’re still in their parking lot and you can ogle the cool attractions inside.  Besides, warming their pizza on our car engines made it taste much better.

Sadly, fellow Nighters, I have to tell you about the absolute worst Tuesday night I’ve ever experienced.  This may be a bit of a long story, so grab yourself some coffee, a snack, strip to your underwear and prepare your eyes for the horrors I’m about to tell you.  Yeah, it was really that bad.  Just because I’m a Nighter doesn’t mean I can’t have a bad “day”, as I’m sure you have experienced as well.

This all started when I was startled out of bed at 5PM by my neighbors in my apartment building getting home.  Come one!  It’s 5PM!  People are trying to sleep, am I right?!  I don’t care if you’ve been up for hours, I have not.  Walking around echoing halls while laughing and having a conversation is completely unacceptable this early and it instantly put me in a bad mood.  I tossed and turned for almost an hour, but couldn’t get back to sleep, because I could hear people cooking and honking in traffic outside.

“Fuck it!” I figured and threw the covers off of me.  I wasn’t going to be able to sleep, so I get into the kitchen to make myself up some coffee.  Well, fuck my life because I was out.  Being as groggy as I was this early I didn’t feel I would be safe to drive to get some more.  After all, I don’t normally get up quite this early, especially after not being able to sleep.  Instead I decided to make some tea.  Only problem is, I only had iced tea bags, so the flavor was…well…it tasted okay, I guess, but it was just sort of meh.

Since this was my Saturday  I didn’t have to work.  I clicked on the TV and saw all the early news broadcasts.  I hate early news broadcasts, though.  They’re too long and never get to the point.  That’s why I like the late broadcasts shown around 6AM.

Time was fast approaching to get out of the house and have some fun!  Being a fisherman myself, I grabbed my fishing poles and head out for some mid-early fishing!  Catfish and carp are active during this time, as well as massive walleye, and the moon was full.  Thanks to that cancer causing fireball in the sky from earlier, the temperature was lovely.  Hell there wasn’t even a chilling breeze.  I managed to get some beer  before the day walker catered/Nighter biased store closed.

As I said, the weather was perfect.  My beer was chilled and my line was in the water.  The best part of this was no one else was on the lake.  I know…you’re wondering why this was the worst Tuesday night…I’m getting to that.

Well, just so happens the lake wasn’t empty for very long.  A bunch of teenagers showed up to party on the shore a little way down.  These weren’t Nighters, these were just kids on summer break looking to get shit faced.  Well, their bonfire was so bright, my retinas are actually damaged!  On top of that, my skin turned red from glow.  Sure I put on enough sun block to sit under a full moon, but the bonfire was so out of control, my defenses failed.

Being done with their rude interruptions, I decided to pack up my things and move down the shore to a more secluded spot.  While I was looking for a new spot, thanks to my damaged eyes from the light, I fell into a deep pothole and twisted my leg.  Did the teenagers help?  No, they mocked my screaming and turned up their music!  I swear they were implying I was complaining about their music choice, when in reality I needed help.  So, for two hours I drug myself through the mud, dirt, and grass towards the road.  When I finally reached it, a Nighter squirrel, for lack of a better name for it, must have believed I was an invader in their territory and repeatedly bit my face.  Lying on the ground, beaten and bitten, the squirrel decided to pee in my eye socket as one last insult.

“How can this get any worse?!” I thought to myself.  Turns out…when you’re on the ground in a dark area and a car is traveling at approximately sixty miles an hour, you’re hard to see.  The car ran over my left out stretched hand with both the front and rear passenger side tires!  Screaming once again, both blood and squirrel piss running down my face, I was suddenly illuminated by  bright light.

“Oh, thank you god!” I thought and shouted out loud, believing I was to be saved.  No.  If you remember from KickleMcGickle’s post about a month ago, there have been many sightings of strange objects in the sky at night here.  I can testify now these sightings are all absolutely true!  Before my very pee stained eyes an alien vessel descended down upon me and used some kind of light beam to get me on board.

Now, I don’t remember what happened between floating up to the ship and suddenly being inside, but when I woke up, I was completely naked.  I don’t mean to brag, but given what I bring to the party, I’ve never been too worried about being naked in front of anyone…or anything.  These things must have been wearing space suits, because I couldn’t really make out any features except what people must think are their large eyes and small nose and mouth.  There’s no way this was their skin.

I couldn’t understand what they were saying, but one of them helped me off the table and motioned for me to follow.  It’s not like I had a choice or anything, though.  So, with my dork on full display, I walked down a few hallways, seeing many other people and animals in strange rooms.  We finally got to a room which had several strange shapes, I assume their language, and what looked like two aliens screwing.

“Well, at least it shouldn’t be too bad!” is what I thought entering in.  There were aroma therapy candles, a large bed with what seemed to be silk sheets, and Barry Manilow music playing.  Look, I know what you’re thinking, but the sexy lighting, smell of the candles, and Barry Manilow singing gave me an instant, very impressive boner.  This seemed to make the alien happy, because it jumped back a bit and started clapping.

Again, I know you’re wondering how this still turned into the worst Tuesday ever.  I’m getting to that.

Thinking I was about to get some hot human on human or human on alien sex action, I walked to the bed and sat down with one leg up, letting my huge dong be on full display.  The alien left and I heard the door lock.  At this point I didn’t know what to think.  A tone sounded, followed by alien chatter, and a hole opened on the wall too high for me to use as a glory hole.

Guess what?  It wasn’t a glory hole anyway.  From the hole the same god damn squirrel which bit my face and pissed in my eye came flying through and landed on the table in the middle of the room.  “What the fuck?” I asked out loud.  The alien chatter came through, but I didn’t understand.  After being yelled at a few times,somehow I was administered several shocks around my butt and genitals.  As I got closer to the squirrel the voice began demanding something again.

“I’m not fucking a squirrel!” I screamed.  Once again I was shocked, more violently than before, and the squirrel seemed to be hypnotized and presented itself to me.  At this point I was balling my eyes out and the voice was screaming while I got shocked.

For six hours I was forced to have sex with that squirrel.  I was only allowed fifteen seconds to drink a sports drink between screwing sessions, which lasted a minimum of twenty minutes a piece.  The hard and more erotic I made it seem while I had sex with the squirrel, the less I was shouted at, so that’s what I did.  Collapsing on the bed after six hours of sweaty squirrel sex, I passed out.

When I awoke, it was Thursday!  I woke up in my own bed at 7PM.  I had marks on my face and pink eye from the piss.  I cried all day yesterday and today, even as I type this to you all.  The worst part of all of this is I had a knock on my door extremely early today, around 1PM.  I was served legal papers for a DNA test in regards to paternity!  The issuer wishes to remain anonymous until I provide the sample, but I have a feeling it’s that fucking squirrel!  Bitch already had my nuts and now it wants everything else!

So…there you have it…my absolute worst Tuesday night of my life…and this comes on the tail of getting locked inside a full porta-potty in the middle of a mosh pit with it getting tossed around at a Limp Bizkit concert!

Thank you for choosing Blue Raven Séance

Dear customer,

Thank you very much for your interest in my séance services. I know in the competitive market for contacting the spirit world, you have a lot of choices, and you have chosen to use Blue Raven Séance! Through your diligent research, you have seen I am the best choice for you and understand we have a psychic pairing already.

Before you sign on with me as your séance provider, there are a list of rules we must go over. Do not worry, as this is all standard procedure and helps to eliminate some questions you may already have. I appreciate you taking the time to go over these, and look forward to hearing from you once you are finished.


1. At least three people must attend
Three people are required to summon the spirits in order for us to speak with them. You know the saying “Two’s a company and three’s a crowd”? Well, maybe for a date, but during a séance that saying is malarkey. You see, three people help with the psychic vibrations spirits use to find their way to us. Two people, one of which is the psychic, just isn’t strong enough to get their attention.
 
 
2. Have an idea who you would like to talk to
You wouldn’t just start dialing random numbers when you want to speak to Pizza Hut, would you? No, of course not! If you don’t have an idea who you would like to talk to, we’re just dialing randomly and could end up with a really nasty fellow on the other line. It’s like ringing the line of someone who is not only getting into the shower at the time, but are also ready to bone down on a real hottie. It’s just rude and dangerous, since the spirits can “trace the call” into your living room.
 
 
3. Have each guest write down a few questions and submit them to me
It’s just nice to have an idea on what you’d like me to focus the conversation on with the spirits. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to use this in order to do research and get things staged… You believe me, right? Of course you do. I’m psychic after all!
 
 
4. Respect the circle
This includes your other guests, the spirits, and most importantly: ME! You will not speak out of turn and you will not get up and move around. This makes sure the only thing you hear is what I want you to hear. What I mean, of course, is the spirits and what not…yeah…
 
 
5. No video or audio taping
Look, this is a séance and not an amateur sex tape, okay? Respect the privacy of the spirits and don’t record this in anyway. You won’t be allowed to have cell phones, since an active cell phone is known to be very dangerous to ghosts. I’m not kidding! Getting a text message or phone call when a ghost is in the area is just like killing them all over again. Spirits do not like to come back as the spirit of a spirit. It makes things very complicated when they get sorted through on the way back to the after life.
 
 
6. Candles…lots and lots of candles
I’m talking a metric ass load (which is the professional term) of candles. I will need so many candles your neighbors will call the fire department because they think the place is completely engulfed with flames on the inside. Don’t use candles which are for aroma therapy. You’ll want to smell what the ghosts are cooking.
 
 
7. I will not speak to animals
I’m sad to even feel the need to include this, but after an encounter with a lady’s dead cat, this is a must. Did I say cat? I mean bangle fucking tiger! Yeah, no shit! This lady calls me over to her place to speak to “Mr. Cuddle Butt”, her dead “cat”, and was willing to pay me an ungodly amount of money, so I was all like, “Hell yeah!” Well, when I get there and do the séance, I was able to make contact. Rather, it made contact with my scrotum with a nailed claw. Never…ever…again!
 
 
8. Time of the séance is extremely important
Unlike most Hollywood troupes, the time of the séance really is extremely important. From 11:30PM until 02:30AM is the time to do this. As such, I will require many accommodations made so I can prepare when I reach your home around 02:00PM. These are highlighted below.
 
 
9. Accommodation requirements
Since I will need time to set up, you will be providing me with a room to sleep in and all meals. If you don’t give this to me things won’t go well during the séance. I’m not in to Taco Bell or Domino’s Pizza. No, you will provide me with either mid-quality dining such as Chili’s or TGI Friday’s, or you will make for me a grand homemade dinner. However, if the person making the homemade meal is not a good cook, don’t bother! Look, I’ll even take going to a buffet such as Golden Corral. It better be a nice Golden Corral, though.

I’m also going to need full access to a complete gym. If your idea of a gym is a few free weights, a treadmill, and maybe a yoga ball, you need to get a membership to a better gym.
 
 
10. No children under the age of 13
Look, kids suck and they fuck everything up. Okay? Good.
 
 
11. I have no liability if things go wrong
I’m not going to lie… A séance is really dangerous. I’m serious! A few houses have been sucked in to another plain of existence all together during a séance. There’s also the risk of possession, mass murder, and a lifetime of being haunted by evil spirits. Don’t even get me started on how the pathway can remain open and how your home can be flooded with demons or even your soul being like fly paper in which they stick to you until you die, dragging you to limbo. So, yeah, no, I’m not responsible for any of that. This is your choice to do this. Understood?
 
 
12. Consultation and Deposit required up front
Because this is considered a consultation, you need to pay me $45 right now for all of this. Also, you’ll have to give me the initial deposit of…I don’t know…let’s say $250 right now. None of this is refundable. Thanks!


Those are my general rules for using my services. I’m sure we’ll have a great working relationship.

Sincerely,

Blue Raven

Character Diary #2 (GTA Online)

Holy warriors doing the Lord's work!
I have found religion. Well, I found it for about six days and then got bored. Still, I believe I now understand what it is that I am: A chosen one by god. How else can you explain my inability to die? I learned I am a holy warrior thanks to my friend Wyldfyre. Turns out…he’s also a chosen one.

So, pretty much, how this all came about was my buddy Wyldfyre calls me and says he wants me to help him “cleanse the unholy” as a “Jesus warrior”. I figure, “Yeah, fuck it, why not?”, because, honestly, why not?

Now, ideally, if you’re going to be a super hero, even one for Christ, you have absolutely need to be dressed correctly. The first place I meet up with Wyldfyre is the clothing shop. “Make sure you look good!” he tells me. We select the best suits we can find, kill the shop owner because they were greedy, and then head over to the barbershop. When we get there, we find another lost lamb. After allowing him to give us our super hero make-up, we try to explain why his life style choice is an affront to the Holy One. Sadly, he didn’t want to listen, so we had to baptize him with our holy rocket launcher. God’s grace kept shining on us! The evil force controlled by the devil was not hunting us at this time, so we were encouraged to continue our divine mission.

Driving down the night streets we looked for other lost souls who we were to save. What luck! Wyldfyre noticed a woman selling her body for money! Wyldfyre did his best to get her to understand her life choice was unclean and how Jesus did not approve. Realizing she wasn’t listening, I had to intervene. See, I can be very persuasive and I knew my diplomatic ways would reach her. Well, they would if she could be saved. The prostitute would hear nothing of the saving grace of Jesus. I knew what I had to do…I removed my blessed blade of righteousness and gut her like a fish. If she wished to be a hand of the devil, he could have her for a face-to-face talk!

Unfortunately, after taking down the dirty whore, I saw I was missing not only my baseball bat, but my crowbar, my axe, and my golf club. Where did they go? I have no idea, but I knew we had to get at least my golf club back. Okay, so we didn’t think about how it was around midnight when we got to the golf course. The positive side to this, however, is we found a lot of midnight golfers… HEATHENS! We made sure to cleanse the filth with molotov cocktails, which Wyldfyre assured me had been blessed by a priest, which made them holy or something.

The devil was now on to us! We heard the screaming of his demons in the distance. Obviously the cops were working as minions of Satan, because if they were under the influence of God, they wouldn’t be attacking us for doing Jesus’ work. If you’re wondering, no, I never did get a new golf club, but that’s fine. We had to get away from these demons. Luckily, Wyldfyre is a great driver, especially in my Zentorno. The cops were rushing us like mad men possessed by the devil…which we knew they were.

With the speed of God’s hand pushing us down the street, we did our best to keep the cops from getting us. I took to shooting out their tires and killing the most foul of them to great effect. The good ones were spared, however, by the grace of God! Nearing the airport, I told Wyldfyre to make his way to the runway so we could get in some planes and fly away like the angels we were. Unfortunately for the demons, they would not give up and sent helicopters our way. Leaning out of the window, I tossed C4 up to them and exploded the charge next to one of the choppers. SUCCESS! The explosion caused one to burst into fire, all demons on board falling to the ground. Before the helicopter blew up, it swerved into a second one and took it out for me. Two helicopters with one C4? Thank you, Jesus!

When we finally made it onto the runway, I could see the airplanes up ahead of us. I instructed Wyldfyre where to go, all the while killing the demon pigs chasing us. Like a mother fucking boss, I stepped out of the car as he pulled a hard turn and immediately began to keep him safe so he could get the airplane started. Seeing my chance, I ran into the passenger seat and Wyldfyre began to take off. “We’re getting out of here, Brother!” Wyldfyre told me. I was looking back, flipping off the cops on the ground, as I said, “Yes! Look to the sk…” As I brought my gaze back forward, a helicopter dropped from the sky and performed a text book kamikaze attack right into our airplane!

After a brief five seconds of darkness, the Good Lord placed us back on Earth in order to continue to do his bidding. Both Wyldfyre and I laughed for about three hours straight over how crazy that cop was. Damn, the devil sure wanted us! Finding a few fat people and killing them for the crime of gluttony and also a few people smoking, we took a car the Holy Spirit wished us to have. Where did we go? Where else? The Rainbow Unicorn, of course!

I didn’t beat around the bush on this one. Before entering, I stabbed the doorman with a broken bottle I found on the ground. Some how everyone inside knew what was coming and they began to charge out of the door, knocking me to the ground. Being the ever ready God Warrior he is, Wyldfyre made sure there was no one surviving this. I managed to put a shotgun into the back of two strippers’ heads and I felt proud. Even with the good work we put in, we were not finished here. I poured gasoline from the entrance into the main room, where I found one patron still cowering. Yes…yes I covered him in gasoline and shot the trail, setting the entire place ablaze, as well as cleansing him in the holy fire. Not surprisingly, the devil was really pissed off and sent his demons after us. Using the enlightenment from the Almighty, Wyldfyre found a way backstage, where we hid. Knowing we were protected, the Great Deceiver gave up after about a minute or so. We walked out knowing we had done God’s work.

After that we decided to run over those who needed to die and made the train smash some cars while we were in them. All in all, a productive time.