Want to group up for the Last Wish Raid? Here’s the rules for LFG!

If you want to join the raid, these are the requirements:

  1. Raid 25+ clears (THIS RAID ONLY!!!!!! and I check)
  2. 610 Light – if you don’t know how to do this, then you don’t need to raid
  3. Crucible K/D of 2.87 (not KA/D!!!!!! and I check)
  4. 45+ flawless Trials (I check)
  5. Microphone with a feedback problem
  6. Scream at your girlfriend/wife who is upset about the baby is crying while the dogs are barking and a secondary TV is playing in the background so loud you can’t understand what’s playing, but sounds like it’s in our own living room
  7. Leave the group while screaming profanities after causing the first wipe
  8. “BRB. Food” after first encounter while you make your character run in circles to prevent an AFK kick and take 60+ minutes to come back since you left to go get something two towns over
  9. Explain an encounter strategy in almost unintelligible English while basically swallowing your mic to ensure it’s over modulated and then refuse to explain it again while insulting everyone else in perfect English then leave
  10. Take a bong rip every 2 minutes during encounters and then cough so loud no can one hear the call outs
  11. Talk to people on your stream with an open mic to the raid encounter confusing all of us as to what is going on and then make fun of us with your subscribers as we get upset at you
  12. Between encounters, take your wireless headset with you into the bathroom and give birth to a massive chocolate mud baby…please, please, please be sure to make lots of noise and do not wash your hands – if we hear running water besides the flush you will be kicked
  13. HAVE FUN!!!!!

By the way, I am fireteam leader and have never done a raid before on any game. I’ll need you to Sherpa me. I do NOT have a microphone. We will run it five to six times for gear. Thanks! NO NOOBS!

Originally posted by me on /r/destiny2

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It’s Just a Social Experiment!

tl;dr These normally go at the end of the story, but I’ll make it easier for you this time. This is only a social experiment. Would you give up the most important thing to you and give it to someone else to help them forever even if you don’t know what that thing you’re giving up is? Just answer yes now with your name or no down below!

 

It was the weekend before Fourth of July 2017 and I was headed down to Ruby’s At the End of The Pier in Huntington Beach, CA with my girlfriend and several other friends to eat and do some fishing. Thank god my best friend, Rodney, lived within walking distance, because the place was unbelievably packed. The smell of sun tan lotion, sun screen, beach foam, and salt water filled the my senses and relieved much needed stress just with the fact it was present. I needed this mini-vaycay. We were going into third-quarter at work and down on goal, so everyone was feeling the crunch. Shit rolls down hill and the bullshit was thick right now. None of that mattered today, of course, as the sun kissed my face and stroked my hair, letting me know everything would be fine. Not even the wind seemed to blow this day, knowing not to ruin such a perfect time.

As typical in this area of California, but not quite as crazy as Santa Monica, all kinds of vendors and street performers were out and about trying to make a quick buck. Everything from caricature artists to palm readers lined up with tables are just shouting out they were doing it. Huntington Beach Police are notoriously over aggressive so I don’t know why anyone would really want to risk the unrelenting beatings, but they can’t be everywhere at once and if you need money, then you need money I guess.

Cinthia (yes spelled correctly as she is 100% pure wasp descendant), my girlfriend, was chatting up with her friends Toreene and April about all the shopping they were going to do while “the boys” enjoyed their fishing after we ate. I was half tuning everyone out, including Rodney and James, as I was taking in the sights and enjoying myself, while simultaneously trying to keep my fishing equipment from spilling out all over the street or smacking people because of the density of the crowd. We were approaching the pier when I was suddenly pulled out of my self induced trance.

“…and you? What about you? Would you help?!” a happy go-lucky, almost sing song voice called out to me. How I knew it was for me I can’t say. There must have been a hundred people around me at the time, but I knew…I just knew this voice was directly at me specifically.

“Uh…I’m sorry, but help with what?” I asked, moving away from the group. At the time I didn’t think it odd there was a direct path to where the voice came from. Not one other person was walking in a manner which wold require me to alter my trek to this new destination. It just seemed right and normal. I saw before me a man, perhaps late twenties, not much older than myself, smiling at a table holding a clipboard and pen out to me. His auburn shaggy hair shone brightly in the sun and his skin was lightly sun kissed, unlike most gingers you’d see. He was smiling, but…I don’t know, something didn’t seem happy for him. Like something was missing.

“Oh, it’s just a social experiment! Would you be willing, right now, no questions asked, be wiling to give up the most important thing to you, even if you didn’t really know what that thing was, to help someone else out forever?” he asked again, in that same sing-song voice with a saccharin personality.

“I don’t understand what you’re asking, dude. Help someone forever? Most important thing to me?” I asked in a fog of confusion.

“Joel!” I heard my girlfriend call out, causing me to turn my head. Everyone was coming back over to me through the rest of the crowd, looking a little irritated.

“Hey, man, you know how Ruby’s gets. We’ll be waiting hours just for a fucking burger if we don’t hurry up. What are you doing?” Rodney questioned me.

“Sorry, this guy caught my attention. Wanted to know if I’d give up the most important thing in the world to me if it would helps someone out forever,” I explained to everyone.

“It’s just a social experiment,” the guy said once again looking at everyone, “So, is anyone willing to do it? You would be giving up the most important thing to you, even if you didn’t know what that was, but it would help else forever!” Everyone just kind of looked at each other in confusion and bewilderment at such a question.

“I don’t get it,” April stated, shaking her head.

“Oh god…is this going to be put on YouTube? I’m out,” James stated and waved to us as walked to the pier, “I’ll get us a spot to fish!”

“Yeah…if you don’t know what it is, then why would it matter, then?” Toreene asked in a way that she didn’t really care what the answer is.

“I…guess I would…I mean…that does make sense when she puts it that way…” I said half-halfheartedly.

“Oh, so you’re willing to give me up?!” Cinthia asked in a fake angry voice, teasing me.

“I assure you, it wouldn’t be you. No offense, but you may be the most important thing to him now, but not the most important thing to him completely,” the man chuckled. That chuckle…did not seem odd, forced or scary. Just an every day laugh at a small joke which wouldn’t be out of place for anyone.

“Screw it, sure. I could use some good karma!” I said, putting my things down and grabbing the pen and clipboard. There was a line for my printed name and signature. Not much to say about the paper or what was written on it. Pretty much exactly what the guy had said was what I read. With a shrug, I filled it out. Handing everything back to the man, I did feel a quick chill and couldn’t breath for a second, like something sucked my breath for a split moment in time, but nothing else. I don’t think I even noticed it at the time.

“Uh…uh…okay! Thank you!” the man said as he put the clipboard away and began to fold up the table and left in a hurry as I collected my belongings.

“Huh…I was the only signature on that paper…” I remarked off hand as we made our way down the pier to Ruby’s.

“He only needed one signature? For a social experiment?” Toreene asked, scrunching up her face in annoyance at such foolery.

“Maybe he’s sampling how many signatures versus time in different areas?” Rodney asked, not really caring by the way he asked it.

“Who cares? As long as he didn’t give me up!” Cinthia stated, punching my arm playfully. I made a mock painful face at her and gave her a quick kiss.

 

The rest of the trip was uneventful for anything else concerned. We had gotten our food, caught some fish while the girls shopped and went out to dinner at a chain further in town to avoid the crowds. I dropped Cinthia back off at her place and prepared to sleep deep and long well into Sunday morning. I’ve learned recently Ruby’s burned down…I hope this had nothing to do with this day…

I’ve never been one for nightmares or night terrors, but I had the worst dreams all night long. There is one which sticks with me the most because of how vivid it was… I was floating in…nothingness. That’s the only way I can describe it. Darkness would be something. Smoke would be something. A hole would be something. This was NOTHING. If you’ve never experienced it before, then you are lucky because it is one of the most horrifying things you can ever know. That’s not the worst part about it, though. In this nothing was something. I don’t know what it was, but it was fear and terror beyond what this nothing was creating. Agony and pure pain accompanied it. Screams came from inside my own skull until I realized, in my nightmare, *I* was the the one screaming from it all. I couldn’t wake up. I couldn’t stop it…and then I was awake.

I don’t remember waking. I don’t remember slowly opening my eyes. I didn’t shoot up in bed in a cold sweat. I wasn’t breathing heavy and jumping out of the sheets. None of it. I was just…awake, in my bathrobe, holding my coffee cup and staring into the black depths of my own reflection. How long had I been awake? I still don’t know. I chalked it all up to the stress and then being in the sun for so long the day before and got dressed.

I called up Cinthia to see what time she wanted me to pick her up for another day out, but she said April found out her boyfriend blew her off the day before not to spend time with his family, but to hook up with another girl, so she and Toreene were going to spend the day comforting her. I’m not made of stone, and I know how women can be, so I told her I understood and tired to call Rodney. No answer. Multiple times. Oh well, his loss I guess. James always worked Sundays, so he wasn’t going to be available to do anything.

This is when I noticed things on my life beginning to change. I suddenly had no interest in going to church. The people in my life, including Cinthia, began avoiding me. Even people outside of my life began avoiding me. When I would go to a restaurant, I’d be ignored until I made a big scene and even then the waiter or waitress would act like they didn’t see me. Doctor visits would result in me being ignored as well until I made a point to say I was there and needed to be seen. I couldn’t explain it. My clients wouldn’t call me back. My boss was off my back, but I also wasn’t making my commission. While everything wasn’t falling apart, I wasn’t happy and things weren’t great. They…just were. Like me in a state of simply existing.

The nightmares continued. That’s why I sought medical help at first. I was worried I had some kind of trouble with my brain…maybe even cancer…but that turned out to be false, thankfully. Psychiatric help didn’t help, either. I always though these shrinks wanted to find a way to help you. They don’t. At least not me. They simply acted like I was just…there. Again, this is how I felt. They offered little to no advice like removing caffeine from my diet and other silly things. No drugs to help. No life advice to give. Waste of money.

 

This has continued for almost a year now. A few weeks ago I was in the Westminster Mall when I noticed a familiar face. It was that man from Huntington Beach! He was in a nice looking outfit, talking on his cellphone with a brief case by his side as he sat on a bench. He was smiling and laughing every so often as he talked. I cautiously made my way over to him as he ended his conversation. He seemed to confused at first as I approached him, and then nervous once he must have realized why he recognized me. I put my hands up in a none threatening way to let him know I meant him no harm, which seemed to calm him.

“Hey, what’s going on?” I asked, standing a few feet from him.

“Oh, yeah, you…you’re the one who helped me with that…social…experiment…right?” he asked, a hand on his brief case now.

“Yeah…so…how’d it go..?” I inquired very curious and ready to dive deeper into what exactly the point of that day was for him. His smile, this time, and his eyes, seemed genuinely happy, unlike before. Something about him seemed so much more real and present and the last time I saw him.

“Oh, it went great. I really appreciate it. If you, uh…don’t mind…I…uh…I have to get going,” he said abruptly as he nearly jumped to his feet and began walking away.

“Hey, hold on…just what was the social experiment about anyway? I know what you asked, but I don’t get it. What was the point?” I asked rapidly, needing to know.

“It’s…you wouldn’t understand or believe me. It’s cool. Like I said, it was just a social experiment. Why would you believe you gave up a soul, anyway?” the man asked me slowly, looking me directly in my eyes.

A soul? What was he talking about?

“A…soul? Give me a break. What? Are you saying you’re the devil?” I laughed the best I could at such a moronic statement.

“No. I’m not the devil. Neither was the one I gave up my soul to,” the man said matter of fact, taking a few steps towards me. That’s when it finally hit me. That’s what was missing in my reflection. That’s what was now present in this man’s eyes unlike before: Spark of life. I wasn’t dead. I wasn’t a zombie…but the nightmares…the horrible nightmares and the fact i always felt like I was simply just present now made sense. I didn’t go to church because there was no point…what soul did I have to save if I didn’t have one?

“Then…but…I don’t…” I sputtered, until I was finally able to form a sentence, “My soul…if you’re not the devil, then who…what?”

“Oh, I’m human,” the man smirked and chuckled, “So was the person I gave my soul up to as well. I’m not the first and you won’t be the last. This has been a long time coming, ever since the first person sold their own soul to the devil almost six thousand years ago. It was the only way out of the contract. The one without the soul is the one who goes to Satan for all eternity. Right now, that’s you. Good luck. Find another sucker’s soul if you want to avoid your fate. Ta-ta for now!” With that, he turned and walked away. I was left too stunned to speak. Too stunned to do anything really.

tl;dr So, this is just a social experiment: Would you give up the most important thing to you, even if you didn’t know what that was, in order to help someone else out forever? Just say yes with your name or no down below.

_____
Originally posted by me on Reddit /nosleep date of 03/31/2108

Ten Alternative Super Bowl Party Ideas

Are you all ready for some football?!?!?!?!!?!?!??! Yeah, me neither, but it’s Super Bowl LII, which is apparently NOT pronounced Super Bowl “Lee”, “El Eye Eye” nor “Lye”, which means I’ll watch it. Kind of. A little bit. Just the commercials for sure…on YouTube a few days to weeks later.

If you’re like me and only care about the Super Bowl as far as the commercials and free food from people are concerned, but don’t want anyone to think you’re anti-social, or want to a be hip to the new hipster scene, then you’ve come to a great place! While this isn’t a “How To Guide” since I’m not going to being telling you how to do these, you’ll still get some great alternative party ideas. Think of these as jumping off points. Much like how most people need to jump off a very high bridge into a dry river bed.

Oh, and let’s not forget that any advertisers, unless they’ve paid out the ass and are official sponsors, can’t call the Super Bowl the Super Bowl without permission. Yes, I’m serious. They’ve also sued churches for holding parties in which people can watch the Super Bowl. Again, yes, I’m serious.

Anyway, on with the list of ideas!


1. Commercials Only

Let’s start off with the most obvious type of alternate party, the Commercials Only. With this party, you only un-mute the television during the commercials and then mute them again during the game. You do everything in your power to keep people from actually watching the Super Bowl. Get out Uno, Twister (nude if necessary), Cards Against Humanity…it doesn’t matter, really. When halftime comes around, turn off the halftime performance and watch something like The Puppy Bowl instead. Make sure to hoot and holler at great commercials!


2. Pants Off-Dance Off for All Touchdowns

Kind of self explanatory. Any time “your” team scores a touchdown, then you take off your pants and dance in celebration. If you don’t care about what team is the favorite, or don’t have a team you care about yourself, just do it for any and all touchdowns. Bonus points for doing your dance on a table and lightening round double daily bonus for doing it on the table where people are eating when they are eating.


3. Shot Down!

To do this, you must take a shot of any alcohol for every first down. The harder the alcohol the more screwed up you’ll get quickly, so you might want to pace yourself. It’s something like the Highlander Drinking Game, but you’ll get a lot more wasted. Unless, of course, each team really sucks and there’s hardly any progress made on the field. I don’t know who’s playing and I don’t care enough to find out, so…this might happen this year. I don’t know.

This is an alcoholic’s favorite!


4. Pee Wee Super Bowl

Don’t watch the actual Super Bowl, and instead watch little league football, which I just found out is called Pee Wee. While I would never suggest inviting Paul Reuben over under normal circumstances, I’d say this is the best time to do so. Still don’t invite Jared, the Subway guy, though. Seriously. Don’t. I won’t be held responsible if you do.

 

5. The “Super” Bowl

“What the fuck is this?!” you’re thinking. I know, because I’m psychic, remember? Or, rather, I know you’re more than likely reading this silently in your brain, which makes you think it. Mind blown. I know. Why, yes I am amazing. Again, I know.

This super bowl is an actual super bowl. You and all your “friends” (see: cult followers) will gather around a bowl which will be adorned with an attractive color scheme, a cape, and underwear on the outside. Fill it with tasty snacks of your choosing and drop to your knees in prayer, thanks, fear, gratitude, and worship for every bite you take of said snacks.

Don’t forget the psalm of worship to bring forth luck and keep away its porcelain wrath. According to Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World:

Giver of snacks
Container which never lacks
Keep us full and in high spirits
We shall never falter in our praise
Not once in all of our days!

COME FORTH, GOOD LUCK!
FUCK OFF, ANNOYING CUCKS!

When the super bowl is empty, you can either toss it back and forth between each other or wash it out for use in the next year.

 

6. Reenactment Party

Oh boy, is this one fun! You also get to trash not only the place, but your fellow party goers, too. For every play made, you reenact it in the area you’re watching the game in. If you’re in the basement, then you do it there. If you’re in the living room, then you do it there. If you’re some kind of amazing stuntman and watching it from trapeze wires, then more power to you…but you have to do it there with everyone else.

You may be sued by the NFL, but you’ll win in court if you can afford the legal fees to fight it. After all, it’s a live interpretation and alteration of what’s actually going on. Basically, it’s fair use. The injuries, however, are not open to be paid for by the NFL, even when you do win your case.

 

7. Get High – Get Fucked Party

Get high and get fucked. You don’t even have to watch the party. You will, however, need enough snacks and beverages packed with electrolytes to keep people going. Trust me, you don’t want to run out of food and hydration in the middle of an orgy. Things get awkward fast. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do.

 

8. Murder Mystery

Everyone loves a mystery and this is going to be talked about for years to come! You invite everyone over for what seems to be a normal Super Bowl party, but with one twist…every time the ball changes teams, someone dies! Make sure you aren’t the killer, though, because that’s too obvious. Get one of your guests whom you know will be down for this and have them take someone out and hide the bodies. Hell, even don’t hide the bodies, I don’t care. It’s your call.

As the game goes on, everyone will be scrambling to figure out “Who Done It?!” By the final minutes of the game, gather everyone into another room and have everyone who’s left write down who they think the killer is and why. If the majority of the people guess right, then that they get a prize! A prize besides getting to live, that is.

Oh, and to do this game right, you may just want to confiscate everyone’s cell phones and make sure you don’t have a land line. Also, nail down all your windows and make it so no one can escape. You don’t want some party pooper ruining the game by getting the police involved. Clean up may be a bitch, however, so make sure you rent a carpet cleaner with steam.

 

9. Swords, Knives and Guns Party

What does this have to do with the Super Bowl? The pregame! This is the only pregame idea in all of this, mind you. Let’s face it, you and everyone else is getting wasted before the game even begins, so you’ll need something to do to entertain yourselves before the game. The pregame always sucks, but this will make it better.

Start off just by showing off your swords, knives, and guns. Then you’ll progress to swinging them around and chambering rounds. Semi-final will be showing off what you can do, or if it works how awesome it would be. Finally, you end up with someone holding a rather large sausage or hotdog in their mouth and you take it out with either a sword, a knife, or your gun. Keep in mind for the gun you’ll have to shoot it, so it’s technically the bullet doing the job.

 

10. Just Masturbate Party

Ignore the game altogether and focus on the cheerleaders, or the commercials, and just spank it for three hours and fifty three minutes. Get snacks and beverages with lots of electrolytes.


There you have it! What kind of party are you going to throw? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to mix in meth with some RedHot Buffalo Dip. I put that on everything!

The Little Mermaid: Why it sucks in retrospect

Let me start off by saying that I neither love nor hate Disney in anyway. I think Disney is just fine. Hell, I spent four days and three nights at Disney Land at the beginning of 2018 and loved every single moment of it. What I have a problem with is how Disney rips off the public domain, devours it, shits out a low effort version of a superior item, and then gives nothing in return to the public.

Oh, and yes, I drew, using a mouse in Flash 8 Pro, all images in this entry. Click on them to see them in their original size and transparent glory. You’re welcome.

Disney’s version of The Little Mermaid is no different. The original story is a cautionary tale of envy and greed coupled with the consequences of being so impulsive. Hell, there’s even a little tease to children who read the story at the end of the original story saying if they’re bad, then that little mermaid will get another year added on to her 300 year sentence, unable to get a soul and go to heaven. Oh, you didn’t know that? Well, go read the real story and ignore Disney’s craptastic version.

Originally, I kind of really liked this version of Little Mermaid. It has the three best songs ever to come out of Disney. The animation is colorful and fun. It has Sebastian and Ursula. Then I realized the only good thing about this movie is the fact is had the three best songs to ever come out of Disney and it has Sebastian and Ursula. Oh, and the movie poster has a penis in it. That’s…that’s awesome.

Starting off in the film we meet Ariel and her useless sidekick named Flounder…because he’s a fucking flounder… Great use of your imagination there, Disney…I bet that took at least five, or maybe six, Imagineers to dream that one up. We’re treated to a shark attack by the shark actor who eventually went on to win his Academy Award and Oscar winning role as Brucie in Finding Nemo. Unfortunately, Ariel nor Flounder gets eaten and saves us from the rest of the movie.

Huh? I skipped over the part of Ariel’s sisters being introduced? Well, guess what? After that opening scene, until the finale, so does Disney. Yup, they complete skip over the entire part of the little mermaid having other sisters who get her interested in the human world to begin with. What about her grandmother? Well, Disney tosses her out completely, so there is no grandmother. Who needs an extremely important character when you have Flounder, right?

We eventually meet Sebastian, the second best character of the movie. Originally supposed to be an English butler style character and was later changed to Jamaican. Best…decision…ever…this helps us get the most fun song ever to come out of Disney (which is one of the three best Disney songs ever). This delicious looking character is awesome and what he is put through is bullshit. Sebastian gets put in charge by King Triton, Ariel’s father, to keep an eye on Ariel and report back if she’s going too crazy over the human world.

This guy is a music composer and a conductor. I can’t imagine a worse task for someone who has so little to do with anyone’s life to get involved with this. It’s like Emperor Joseph I tasking Johann Sebastian Bach to be a private investigator! Why in the world would any think this is a good idea? Sure, he’s small and can get around easily, but there are plenty of other fish out there better suited, I’m sure!

To keep Ariel more interested in the world she lives in, Sebastian performs the most fun Disney song ever! Yes, I’m talking about Under the Sea. By far, this is the most fun song Disney has ever presented to us. Yes, I keep saying it’s the most fun song and I’m going to keep saying it. Under the Sea is so freaking awesome I can’t stand it. Matter of fact…I’m going to listen to it now.

Okay. I’m back. Trust me when I say I listened to it six times: Two times dancing, one time sitting, and three times dancing naked.

Do you think Ariel cares about the awesome song or the warnings of her father? Nope. She’s a spoiled shit of a child and couldn’t care less. King Triton is more interested in sitting around all day with that stupid look on his face until someone brings him bad news and he smites them with the fury of God himself. I’m not kidding…this son of a bitch loses his temper at the drop of his hat. He goes through more mood swings than a juiced up gorilla going through menopause.

When Sebastian brings him bad news, he goes from smiling and laughing, to almost killing the poor, awesome crab! This guy really needs some therapy. Or at least switching to decaff for a time being. For sure needs to lay off the meth…or maybe needs to bump again. I don’t know. I just know he’s kind of an asshole, even though he’s right through the entire movie.

Back with Ariel in her little hidden sea cave, we see her going over all the cool things she has. Now, earlier we see her in this place and get the most beautifully sung Disney song ever. I’m talking about Part of Your World. This is not one of the best Disney songs ever, it’s just the most beautifully sung. What do I mean? Well, the song is spot on with the vocals and is performed perfectly. What keeps it from being one of the best songs ever is the content.

You’re probably wondering what the problem is with a song about longing for something unreachable is. Well, the fact of the matter is the song says specifically what is wrong with it and shows a lot of the selfish, spiteful, greedy, envious wretch that Ariel is. Behold:

♪♪♪
Look at this stuff
Isn’t it neat?
Wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete?
Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl
The girl who has everything?

Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she’s got everything

I’ve got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I’ve got whozits and whatzits galore
You want things of above?
I’ve got twenty!

But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

♪♪♪

Emphasis mine.

This selfish piece of beach wash admits she has so much. She talks about how she’s got everything, and yet, despite all of that, she wants even more. She has it all, but that’s not good enough, oh no, not for Ariel! This is NOT the role model you want for your children, especially your daughters. While the song may be sung beautifully, it’s disgusting with the message.

You know what? Now I’m angry. I’ll be right back.

Okay, I’m back. I had to go light a kitten on fire.

Eventually King Triton shows up and sees Ariel basically dry humping…or would it be wet humping since they’re underwater(???)…the statue of the prince she rescued earlier in the movie. She has obsessed about him non-stop, knowing nothing of him. In the original story, a lot of time passes as the little mermaid learns more and more about him by…well…stalking him and hanging outside his bedroom window. Again, not a great role model for anyone.

After Ariel screams that she loves someone she rescued like…two days ago maximum in this version…King Triton becomes even more enraged and blows up the statue. While King Triton may be a tyrannical ass with the anger lit by a half inch fuse on old dynamite, he has a point. She has no business acting the way she does and most certainly does not LOVE him. She’s in love with an ideal and fantasy. Yeah, he over reacted by blowing up all her things, but honestly it was the only way to get her to move on and knock it the fuck off.

Things don’t go that way, of course, because this is a Disney movie and not only are parents always terrible people whom you don’t listen to, but also because we need to introduce the greatest character in Disney history, never to this day to be surpassed.

Of course I’m talking about Ursula, the sea witch! Based on a drag queen named Divine, who’s real name was Harris Glenn Milstead, Ursula steals the entire show. From her look, to her uncomfortably sexual movements, she’s just the god damn best thing Disney has ever designed. I cannot go on about how awesome Ursula is. Besides those three best songs ever from Disney, she is the reason to watch this movie.

What’s better than the best character ever designed by Disney? How about the best character ever designed by Disney singing the most BAD ASS song by Disney! Poor Unfortunate Souls is so amazing that I suggest using it to pump up for a fight. The pacing, the nudging, the vocals…oh my god, this is by far the best song from Disney hands down and the best out of the three. If Part of Your World shows Ariel’s character traits…this song tells you everything you need to know about Ursula. She hides nothing. She pretends to be nothing more than she is. The entire song is filled as a warning and all the reasons Ariel needs to go away. It’s also bouncy as shit. Just…go listen to it. Twenty or thirty times is necessary.

Again, does Ariel listen? Fuck no. She ignores all the warnings from everyone, including Ursula who kept basically telling her to think about it hard. Ariel even looks away from the contract when signing it. It’s a perfect allegory to her personality. I’m not going into detail since I’ve already done it so much. Just think about that for a moment.

She’s turned into human, gets rushed to the surface by Sebastian, who should have told King Triton right away instead of shucking that duty this once, and Flounder, and is “rescued” by Prince Eric. Up to this point there’s no point in talking about him or his name, so…there…his name is Eric.

Since Ariel has no voice, she’s forced to get the prince to fall in love with her through other means. Now, normally this would take months to years, but this is a Disney film and she only has three days per the contract. Originally there was no time limit aside from the prince marrying someone else…but then again, the original also had her wanting an immortal soul, so I guess they had to change things up a bit.

They go on adventures, play dress up, and just kind of hang out. This all leads us to the third and final best song from Disney ever: Kiss the Girl. Once again, one of the best characters from Disney ever delivers this. Sebastian sees his chance when the couple are out rowing about in a swamp area, which later is the scene of Princess and the Frog. I can’t prove that. It’s not even true. But you thought about it for a second. Admit it.

Kiss the Girl is calypso as all hell and is my second favorite song out of this. The scenery while the song is played matches the pacing and mood perfectly. Sebastian proves what a bad ass composer he is once again. Granted, it brings up the question if humans, or Eric for that matter, can understand what the wildlife are saying. Also, Ursula said it isn’t any kiss, but a kiss of true love, so it’s debatable if this would have worked if Floatsom and Jetsum, Ursula’s “babies”, interfered or not. I also love how pensive Eric is during this entire thing. He’s trying to be a gentleman and Ariel is the one pursuing him like a rabid dog. Them eyes on Ariel, though. Dayum.

Fast forward through unimportant crap and Ursula realizes her plan to take the throne back from her brother, King Triton…oh, what’s that? You didn’t know that was Ariel’s aunt? Yup. I guess family sucks is another lesson. Anyway, she realizes her plan to get back at him and take the throne by way of Ariel might fail, so she decides to use Ariel’s voice to make the prince love her instead, effectively screwing Ariel over.

Plan works until the sea shell containing Ariel’s voice is broken and Ariel is turned into a polyp. Yep, I know what they are because of Google. King Triton decides his daughter is better than his kingdom and signs the contract for Ariel, effectively making him pay the price for his terrible daughter. Why the change of heart from King Triton? I don’t know…Disney.

Eventually Ursula is killed by Eric in one of the most awesome ways possible: A stern through the chest. Uh huh, that’s right, Disney had their prince ram a ship into the heart of their villain, killer her off in what must have been an eternity of agony to Ursula. Pretty cool.

In the end Ariel gets everything she wanted. No one learns a lesson. No one has to pay for anyone’s mistake except for Ursula, who kept her end of the deal constantly. She was honest about who she was. She was honest about the deal. Sure she had another reason to do it, but Ariel knew the conditions of the contract and still signed away her life, literally.

I liked The Little Mermaid better when she died at the end, never gaining her immortal soul nor getting the guy. She had to learn a hard lesson and it’s a lesson people need to keep in mind. There are consequences for such impulsive and selfish behavior. That, my friends, is why this movie sucks overall.

Someone needs to nuke the whales

There are some times in this world when something needs to be nuked. Oh, sure, we have North Korea, China, Russia, and almost the entire Middle East, but…that’s so easy. So boring. So…obvious. Nukes are something to be taken seriously. You can’t hug your kids with nuclear arms. You bring down the wrath of God to your children with nuclear arms, after all.

I know what you’re thinking…you’re sitting here asking, “Why nuke the whales?!” The answer is simple enough: Whales have it coming. I’m a great mind reader and know you’re now asking, “HOW?! WHY?!” Well, I already told you the why, and as for the how? I ask you how is it not obvious? Whales think they are so cool. Even cooler than dolphins and three-toed sloths. Yeah, they have that kind of ego problem. Nothing is cooler than a three-toed sloth, not even a four balled midget.

We’ve known whales were a problem for a very long time, but people got lazy and figured we’d done enough of a number on them after the whaling crews drove them to near extinction. How’s that working out for us? Now whales are making a come back. They take over more space than any animal on Earth, and that’s bullshit. There’s also a ton of evidence to suggest they eat giant squid. Do you know how rare a giant squid is? Neither do I, but they must be pretty rare to have only been captured on camera once by the Discovery Channel.

In order to prevent the destruction and extinction as something noble and might as the giant squid, we must finish the job of our forefathers and strike NOW! We must put an end to the whale’s terror of sinking ships, swallowing helpless fish, and destroying the photo-plankton of our oceans! Think of the children, for god’s sake! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Besides…gotta nuke SOMETHING.

Fixing my blog thanks to Photobucket’s bullshit (s)(t)

So, as many of you out there know, Photobucket has lost their god damn mind and decided people have to pay them $400 a year in order to access their photos and link them online. Unless, of course, you’ve already been paying for a premium service, in which case you can get access to everything until December 2017, then you need to pay the $400.

Photobucket can suck my balls and wipe my asshole with their tongue. For over a decade I’ve been using that service to provide images on my blogs and other sites, but now they decided that’s not good enough. Well, they’re not good enough for me. They aren’t good enough for you, either, especially with so many alternatives out there.

I’m in the process of fixing my blog and uploading my images to better hosting locations, but it’s slow going. I had over 500 images across this blog…holy shit… I’m not the only one furious with them over this, either. Many people have completely deleted their images and their accounts, that way there was nothing left for Photobucket to claim.

Fuck Photobucket. Give them enough room for their $400 elite sacks of shit by deleting everything off their site and deleting your account. This is a severe violation of UDAP (Unfair, Deceptive and Abusive Practices) which every business is held under. Fuck Photobucket in their ass.

How People are Finding my Entries Part 2 (s)(t)

So, quite some time ago I wrote about how people were finding my entires. Some of them were…frightening to say the least. Again, I love people finding my writings. Really, I do. If I didn’t, I shouldn’t be writing. It’s just…for fuck’s sake, people. What is wrong with you?

Once again, here’s how people have been finding my site…lord have mercy…


kau injak, aku diam kau gauli, aku diam kau rampas, aku masih diam kau hancurkan sampai ulu hati, hanya ada geming tersisa when u destroy me, u kill yourself in the first place.
What the shit? I have no idea what the hell any of this is supposed to be. When I ran the search in Google, my writings didn’t even come up. It has to do with some scare tactic bullshit, worse than the Weather Channel, claiming video games are telling your children to kill themselves. They aren’t. I am, though.

how to be professional in mortal kombat
Nothing on my site is going to tell you how to actually do this. However, this makes sense because of my fake entry New Professional Mortal Kombat 9 Tournament Rules


it’s already valentine’s day and i dont know what to get myself yet

How about cyanide and a nice cold drink, you loser? Seriously, wtf? Now you’re supposed to get yourself something for Valentine’s Day? Please tell me this isn’t something actually happening!


strangle

No, really, that’s all they searched for and found me. I have no idea why…


sieg fuck

*blink blink* Uhm…okay, sure thing there, buddy. I went ten pages deep in the searches in Google and never came up with my site. I have no idea how deep I’m buried. I can only imagine this is some how in reference to my Psychology Is Junk Science article. That…or someone is REALLY into Nazi porn.


do guys like donkey punching?

Are they asking because they want to know if it’s something they should be used to, something to expect, or something they want to try? My mind is going a mile a minute trying to comprehend this one. I mean, the answer is YES to all of those, but I like to know the finer details such as, “Do you mind if it’s an all knuckles punch?”


how to fuck your employer

Usually just bringing it up in conversation works. You can always just start off slowly with a casual date and feel it out. If that doesn’t work, a brick to the back of the head works. If it’s a guy, the brick still works if you hit them hard enough to ensure an priapism.


redmist entj kickass

What? That illustrated novel and so-so movie? What?


red hair bitch backside

Just the backside? If so, then what does the red hair have to do with it? I know I’m on the internet and there are some really specific fetishes out there, but this one is oddly specific and not in a fun way. Just a…that’s boring kind of way.


sorry i only post about my daughter

…go on… ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


ziggy grover gay fanfiction

Okay, so I wrote a few fake really bad fan fiction about Power Rangers, which I’m probably going to conclude with one more entry, but in no way was the Ziggy Grover character I had in the stories gay. Besides that, why the fuck? This person was looking for this unironically I guarantee it.


brittany blue preggo

Why?


xy.hot.4minat.videos

I’m not on the deep nor the dark web, you morons. Though, I seriously doubt whoever this was either heard about it and thought that’s how you type it in without using an onion router or…they’re just that far too stupid. I’m going with the latter, unfortunately.


how to tell your employer to fuck off and let me shit

Personally? I’d take them out to a nice lunch. You know, one with candles and Italian food. I’d stroke their hand, laugh at their jokes, and bring it up as part of a natural flow in the conversation. On the other hand, you could always just do it like you stated the search query.


fuckdoll faggot makeup

0_o


boss forcly fucking his employer

Again, you people have some really specific fetishes. I’m sure there’s plenty of clearnet porn out there with this. What it has to do with me? I don’t know exactly, though. Good lord…


hitler south park fags

This…this was something someone looked up in their spare time. I’m picturing this dumb ass sitting there expecting some great revelation only to find them saying things on the show and being so mad they masturbate to pictures of their own anus for hours.


love guru how to press a girl boobs when we meet

If I may? I’d start with “Hello”.


stop bullying, your giving a shit!

Is this like “taking the piss”, but far, far more stupid a phrase? That’s cultural appropriation, and that’s wrong. It’s not, but…whatever.


“wolfman” “douche nozzle”

Again, why is this a thing being looked for? I’m not even going to bother trying to find out where I fall in the search results. You can do it yourselves.


telepathic cat siggy creepypasta

How…why…I don’t even…


employer boss come at dinner to his employer and fucking to.is wifevidos

This can’t get any stranger…


soda show webcam????????????? no no no … not me :3 she sexy more than me :d

I can’t do this anymore…I’m fucking done…


Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go scrub my eyes and brain with Drain-O….fuck….