Little Known Legendary Creatures #3 – Cheese Goblin

Dreaded Cheese Goblin

In this install of Little Known Legendary Creatures we will be taking a look at the dreaded Cheese Goblin. No creature is more loathed among the French, save for the Vin Fantôme. Unlike the Butt Pirate or even the Buffalo Wing Fairy, the Cheese Goblin is still in the hearts and mind of every Frenchman.

Tales of the Cheese Goblin come from before written French history and even bear striking resemblance to tales found in Sweden and even found in journals of Austrian cheese makers. With 26% of the cheese in the world produced in America, there are even whispers of the Cheese Goblin making its rounds in the many dairies.

One recorded account by a cheese smelling Frenchman in 1645 had this to say in his diary (translated from French to English):

DAMN IT! Those stupid cheese goblins! They have ruined yet another fine dining experience for my children. We were to dine on fine cheese with rich wine, only to have one of those dreaded devils bite the nose off of my youngest son. My daughter…I am sure she is now pregnant. At least those damn wine phantoms have not defiled my wife with an ostrich feather.

In a more recent account, found in the Cheese Crazy In A Lazy Daze! blog, circa 2004, we find the author, CheeseHunk4197, has this to say in regards to a personal experience:

So, I kid you guys not… There I was, eating some damn good cheese curds up in Oregon, when all of a sudden this…I don’t know…cheese goblin jumps out of some emmental cheese and starts running around! This little bastard started biting the nose off of everyone it came in contact with…blood and screaming everywhere! No one believes me and the news won’t cover it! I REALLY wish I had some pictures of this little bastard. It almost…ALMOST…put me off of cheese!

This proves the Cheese Goblin is alive and well even in America, far away from France.

No one knows how the Cheese Goblins get into the cheese to begin with. Even in the modern era, there are those who propose the idea of anomalous generation, in which the simple act of making cheese is what brings these creatures into existence.

What we do know of the Cheese Goblin’s powers is that it has the ability to immediately jump out of cheese, usually emmental, such as Swiss cheese, and bite the nose off of the victim. The Cheese Goblin has never been known to eat any other body part, not even fingers, but legend does not say why. Take for instance this account in Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World:

Cheese Goblin is a low ranking marques and is extremely ferocious. He is known to rest silently in cheese, usually emmental, but not always, until his victim comes near. Like a snake inside a clay pot, Cheese Goblin then leaps from the delicious snack and bites the nose clean off the face.

He appeareth as though Kermit the Frog had sweaty, gooey, Broke Back Mountain butt sex with one of the gremlins from the movie Gremlins and produced a child. His temper is always raging and his teeth are full of razor sharp daggers, much like the terrible CGI abomination from the Steven King made for TV mini-series The Langoliers.

He understandeth both good and bad cheese, while ruling two legions of divils

According to some lore, the Cheese Goblin has the ability to disappear, while others claim it simply moves at an unbelievable speed making it appear to do so. According to Falsum Libro Daemones, the Even Lesser Key of Solomon the King:

The eitheenth hundred and sixth spirit is the Paneer Bhoot (पनीर भूत). He hides inside hardened dairy, which is pleasing to be placed on a cracker. Waiting for the non-careful to place their face close, it will leap from inside and remove the smelling part of the face. His look is that of a large frog with human hands and feet, with teeth full of swords which interlock perfectly in their spacing. His speed is like that of Barry Allen after getting is powers making it appear as though he turns invisible. He is in control of two legions.

…it lives in cheese. It’s in the name of the creature! There’s no where else… I mean, every single description talks about it. In the Mertvoye kniga iz Eksperta, author unknown, for instance just says this:

It lives in cheese. Duh!

Not every legendary and/or magical creature lives some place amazing.

Roll in Modern Society
With people on health kicks in the United States, it is unlikely we will see a large resurgence of the Cheese Goblin, which is not necessarily a bad thing. However, for those who work in the industry there is always a chance at glimpsing these creatures.

Those wishing to see one of these legendary creatures would do well to hang out near a dairy or live in a place trying to attract cheese aficionados such as Wisconsin. France is also another place for a good chance to see one in action. Besides, you’d be watching some French bastard get their nose bit off, and who can argue with that?

Protective Wards
One can protect themselves from the Cheese Goblin through simple actions, such as cutting cheese into thin slices before consuming it or even with spells from The Grimoire of Protection: Ulinzi Uhawi, Imamu Jirongo, circa 1975:

Dis is coo mon. Dem deh cheese goblins jerks. To protect yourself, you’ll need a few things. Firstly, get a chicken which isn’t deep friend. Second, get a lot of cow blood…and I mean a LOT of it. Then decorate your place with so many skulls and candles people will think it’s two in the afternoon when it’s midnight. Then for twenty minutes drink rum, spitting it in the air every so often, until you pass out. The Cheese Goblin will be exorcised. See it?

Given the option, it would be best to simply cut the cheese…as it were.

Summoning and Spiritual Rankings
No one knows how the Cheese Goblin is summoned as it always seems to be unintentional and no one in their right mind should seek to find one by getting next to a large slice or even a block of cheese. Do so at your own risk!

Rank: Lesser Marquis
Sign: 4° – 6.1.459° Pices (February 19 – March 20)
Time of Day: Sunrise and Sunset
Planet: Titan (moon)
Metal: Administratium
Command: 2 Legions
Tarot Card: Milked Cow


Little Known Legendary Creatures #2 – Butt Pirate

Legendary Butt Pirate

In the last installment of Little Known Legendary Creatures, we investigated the Buffalo Wing Fairy and what made it so special. Today, we are going to take a look at the often criticized, and now turned insult, Butt Pirate.

Origin stories of the Butt Pirate seem to date back as far as the 1600’s and were originally considered good luck. During that time, personal hygiene was a problem for people in general, but especially sailors who would be out at sea for months at a time without proper privies.

One sailor had this to say about the Butt Pirate in his sailing journal (cleaned for easier reading in current English):

We have been without port nearly three months and the smell of the crew was staggering. Nearly all members were about to start mutiny due to the unsanitary conditions we were forced to live with. Praise the Lord, however, when at dusk our look out spotted a ship near the horizon. At first fearful, we were alerted to the emblem on the flag, which we recognized: Butt Pirate! Quickly heading below deck to feign sleep, the Butt Pirate boarded us, collecting the fecal matter he uses for mysterious reasons, and our posteriors were cleaned.

This is not the first recorded incident of the Butt Pirate, but it does prove to be one of the best to show the creature was welcomed, not feared, nor used as an insult.

Butt Pirate is known to invade, both through consensual and non consensual contact, the butt of its target. What it does with these poop nuggets has long been up for debate as no one has seen what it does with them.

According to lore, the Butt Pirate has the ability to make his own ship, The Black Eel, appear and disappear at will. In addition to invisibility, records suggest the ship can also move across time and space to reach other destinations almost immediately. Take for instance this account in Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World:

Butt Pirate is not a marquis and is often shunned by the higher daemon lords. He is commonly known to sail among the world’s waters, including the Great Lakes in America and even a few times reported in Loch Ness.

Appearing as a regal naval officer with a hat portraying a skull and crossbones, he smells of sweat and feces. All except his head appears to be human and he has a hook for a hand on the right side. Where his face and head should be is what looks like a well fatted butt.

He has the ability to appear and disappear upon his magnificent ship, adorned with beauty, and preceded by the odor of fecal matter. The phantom smell of solid waste is an indication Butt Pirate is near, but there is no need to fear.

Cleaning the posterior waste exits, up to the colon, Butt Pirate was once welcomed by many, but that is quickly changing. What he does with the collection of feces is unknown.

He can only communicate with short bursts which sound like human flatulence.

He is known to hang out with The Poopsmith, categorized here: The Poopsmith: Who he is and what he’s doing now

With the ability to turn invisible and teleport, could he be an alien visitor? Ancient Astronaut Theorists, say yes!

While many legendary creatures have their own place of residence, Butt Pirate claims his home on the water masses of Earth. Not completely content on being out in the open all the time, however, there is record of it hiding in special areas outside of human sight.

In the book Historia de Mierda by Miranda Veracruz de la Hoya Cardinal, we learn Butt Pirate may have his own pirate get-a-way:

Between the rays of sunlight, past the swells in waters smooth and clear as polished crystal, Butt Pirate will moore his boat for times of rest and reflection. Inside a sea face cave, protected from sight, he will sip his high quality rum, often until throwing up, and relax after a long day of collecting booty from booty. He is a creature of simple pleasures.

Like other creatures of legend, it seems Butt Pirate can exist in an area inaccessible to us humans. The area does not sound like any known paradise, and as such, may even be a creation from Butt Pirate himself.

Roll in Modern Society
Unlike most forgotten or near forgotten legendary creatures, Butt Pirate has continued to this day in popular culture. Sadly, Butt Pirate has turned to a negative connotation and not something welcome as he was in the past.

Urban Dictionary has this listed as a definition for butt pirate as written by Bill B:

A ruddy queer man who likes to ram his schooner into another man’s glory hole; a sailor of anal ports.

See also: ass-rammer, jizz-junkie, cum gulper, butt-muncher, turd-burglar, peter-puffer.

Holy shit, Pete! Don’t be grabbing my arse, ya dirty butt pirate! ARGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Even though the definition of butt pirate remains similar as that of the original Butt Pirate, it has taken on a grand negative context. With the advent and availability of modern plumbing, Butt Pirate seems doomed to be forgotten as a positive, welcome force and forever branded as something vile. Time will tell if the trend will shift back to his original intent.

Summoning and Spiritual Ranking
There seems to be no sure way to summon Butt Pirate. All indication is he shows up at will to collect his bounty, and recently he is being reported at an exceedingly decreasing rate. Hopefully Butt Pirate will not turn to violent collection without having much chance to collect his bounties in the modern world.

Rank: Commoner
Sign: 1° – 6.11.4° Pisces (March 14 – April 14)
Time of Day: Any
Planet: Neptune
Metal: Bombastium
Command: 0 Legions
Tarot Card: None

Little Known Legendary Creatures #1 – Buffalo Wing Fairy

Legend of the Buffalo Wing Fairy

There are more things under Heaven…I could look up how the rest of this goes since I’m already on the Internet, but I’m too lazy to do it. Besides, I’m not here to quote Stephen Hawking, I’m here to talk about some little known legendary creatures.

Almost everyone knows about the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, The Boogey Man, and the Chanukah kawala, but how many of you out there know of the others? I’m talking about creatures such as the Cheese Goblin, or even the Buffalo Wing Fairy. How sad it is we have already begun to forget about these amazing creatures.

So, what I’m going to do is tell you about them here! First up, we’re going to learn about the Buffalo Wing Fairy!

Little is known of the origins for the Buffalo Wing Fairy. It first appeared in literature around 1968 in Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World. The book has this to say about the entity:

Buffalo Wing Fairy is a great and mighty marques. He is common among the fraternities in the Eastern seaboard area of the United States. He commeth abroad in the form of a love child between Chuck Norris and Bob Ross with multi-colored wings reminiscent of marshmallow fruit candies. Unlike the hidden fist bearded Chuck Norris and the happy painting Bob Ross, however, the creature produces deliciously fried chicken wings lightly battered and tossed in a fiery sauce which is pleasing to the palette. He understandeth all things good and bad with a fraternaty pledge and member alike, while he ruleth six legions of divils.

Still, there are suggestions he may be much older than that. Reading older texts shows a similar creature mentioned, but producing other items for consumption going back to 200BC. The book Falsum Libro Daemones, the Even Lesser Key of Solomon the King, writes about this creature and has this to say:

The one hundreth seventy first spirit is Bhainsa viṅga parī. He is summoned by placing a container of fermented wheat beneath a head resting while sleeping. In the night, he shall approach. Should you have been truly good and deserving, he shall accept your offering and in return place a plate of crispy delicacies upon your chest for consumption upon your awakening. He appears as being bathed in light, his faced adorned by a mighty beard which may or may not hide something and his head is crowned by a ball of dark brown, maybe red, hair which is both entertaining and happy. Upon his chest is a massive blue B against his off white robe, which only comes down to his mid thighs. He is in control of six legions of demons.

Were the “crispy delicacies” buffalo wings? We can’t say for sure, but it does some what match what we know now of the creature.

Originally the Buffalo Wing Fairy seemed to be only reported in America, but it is now being recorded wherever buffalo wings are being made.

The Buffalo Wing Fairy has some strange powers. Not only does the Buffalo Wing Fairy have the ability to enter into any structure in order to collect beer as an offering, it can appear in multiple locations at once. No amount of research has explained if there are many Buffalo Wing Fairies or if this is one creature existing in multiple areas at once.

The buffalo wings produced are said to be the greatest in existence. Because no one has been able to resist the urge to eat all of the wings upon waking up, there has been no research in examining what makes them so delicious. Many restaurants have opened in an attempt to produce the amazing flavors, but none have been successful, though it is worth noting the flavors they have come up with are wonderful.

All attempts to contact the Buffalo Wing Fairy have resulted in failure. Since the creature is obviously telepathic by some means, it can detect the traps set up and will refuse to collect the beer as an offering, meaning no buffalo wings. Children are also unable to contact the Buffalo Wing Fairy unless they are of legal drinking age in the area of the world in which they reside.

Like Santa Clause living in The North Pole, the Buffalo Wing Fairy has its own area of dominion. While little is known about where it resides, we do have this excerpt from Mertvoye kniga iz Eksperta, author unknown:

Flying into the homes to collect beer, but not hard liquor such as vodka, this creature is known to few. According to one account of a conversation, the creature said it comes from a land of bubbling oil and crumbs of many special breads. Dripping from the species of an unknown plant, the secretions are added to the chicken, after it is cooked, for the most amazing, and heavenly, of flavors. All the chicken used is free range, antibiotic free, and no artificial hormones are added, nor are there any extra preservatives. One must be truly good and deserving to taste the succulent treats it offers.

Could the unknown substance placed on the chicken wings from the plants be what the Greeks called ambrosia? It sure seems likely!

Role in Modern Society
With the decrease of many beliefs this day in age, the role of the Buffalo Wing Fairy seems to be one of tragic forgetfulness. Since people now prefer to simply drink all their beers rather than offer them to the creature in exchange for the wings, coupled with the ability to easily get buffalo wings, the Buffalo Wing Fairy could disappear into obscurity.

Still to this day many fraternities actively pursue the Buffalo Wing Fairy in order to bring them the delicious wings, and the trend is once again beginning to catch on with those who are hungry for wings and don’t wish to attend the travesty known as Buffalo Wild Wings. There have even been whispers of some sororities, such as Kappa Kappa Kappa and Ti Sto Diáolo participating in these practices.

Practice vs. Christianity
Christianity has a strong anti-occult practice rule. However, this has not stopped Christians from either ignoring this rule, or making an attempt to bring the secular into their religion, which is against their religion’s rules. Many Christians celebrate Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, and even allow their children to believe in the Tooth Fairy and/or Santa Clause, all of which are a pagan ritual at the core, and therefore, a huge sin against their rules.

So, why stop there? Allowing one self to offer beer to a slightly overweight man with wings who happens to wear an outfit so tiny even Peter Pan would blush seems right in line. There are even those out there who claim since this isn’t an actual worship, there is “no harm, no foul”. Believe what you wish.

Summoning and Spiritual Rankings
Summoning of the Buffalo Wing Fairy seems to require a beer which is cold in either a can or, preferably, a long neck container and placed under your pillow. At some time during the night, if you had been truly good and deserving, the Buffalo Wing Fairy will place a plate of buffalo wings on your chest so you can eat them upon waking. If the summoning isn’t true or you do not meet the requirements, the Buffalo Wing Fairy will not come, you will not have hot wings, and your beer will be ruined.

Rank: Marquis
Sign: 10° – 19.59.59° Virgo (September 14 – 22)
Time of Day: After Midnight, but before Dawn
Planet: Uranus
Metal: Bone and Skin (not really a metal, but considered)
Command: 6 Legions
Tarot Card: 2 of Jesters

The Magical Whistling Vagina

There are few actual magical things in this world: Love of a puppy, a full moon on a still summer night, and the strangling of a baby. Well, I’ve found one more thing: the whistling vagina. While it’s not mine anymore, I had the pleasure of experiencing it for a time in my life and I know I can die a happy man now.

How this all started was simple enough and hardly worth mentioning, but I will. I had just finished a nine mile round trip hike around a local mountain range when I spotted a black haired angel. She was only around five foot four inches, but she had a hard body, tight ass, and a pair of tits which betrayed her small figure. Banging lips, too, which I knew could suck a pair of balls straight out of a hard dick. Turns out, I was right about that, but let’s not focus on this.

We caught eyes as I approached, so I stopped and began some idle chat with her. She told her two annoying friends to go ahead without her, and we made plans to meet up later. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What about this magical whistling vagina?” I’m getting to that. Every story needs a good setup.

She must have called me fifteen times in two days to tell me how excited she was to meet up. Taking this as a cue, I decided to just invite her straight over to my place and have a date just like any other twenty three year old does. That is to say, put on Netflix, pretend to be interested in the movie on screen for five seconds, and then start making out for a few before banging each other until the sun comes up three days later. If you haven’t figured this is that kind of story yet, you’re dumber than even I figured you are.

The night in question comes around and she shows up in this tiny sun dress which barely covered her panties, which she actually wasn’t wearing, and was the description of “Holy shit, you fine!”. I popped some popcorn and we chatted as it finished up before flipping through Netflix to find something we were going to ignore. I don’t remember what it was, but sure enough, the make-out session started and she was aggressive in a good way.

Realizing this wasn’t going to be enough nor was the couch a good place to start the screwing, we both jumped up and ran to the bed room. All clothes came off and we got into the full swing of it. After about four strokes I realized I heard something strange, so I stopped and looked around. When I didn’t hear it again, I continued, only to realize the sound came back. She asked what was wrong and I told her, “I hear something odd…like…like a whistle that keeps changing as I’m nailing you.” She blushed and told me it was her. Well, not her, but her magical whistling vagina. I didn’t believe her and started trying different variations, which, sure enough, changed the pitch and length of each whistle.

From that moment on I was hooked! I couldn’t get enough of that magical whistling vagina. With her help, I explored all kinds of different musical tastes from Fredrick Francois Chopin to ZZ Top. From Waltz to Dubstep. Sadly, happiness can never truly last forever and she left one day for new adventures. I will always remember, and be grateful, for the time with that magical whistling vagina!

Revised Employee Handbook from Human Resources (Must Read)

Employee Handbook Revisions

Attention All Employees:

The following are revisions for the 2015 Employee Handbook. Each Employee is expected to read through each rule change and sign off, in agreement, on the bottom of this document. Failure to do so will be grounds of termination.

HR §141-22.4.4 – Work Attire – Ties (Men)
Previously listed as…

…solid colors only with no discernible patterns nor be offensively bright.

Now listed as…

…anything worn by those idiots from the Def Comedy Jam tour…you know what we mean!

HR §141-22.5.6 – Work Attire – Skirts (Women)
Bringing ourselves into the modern area, this section has been rewritten. Previously listed as…

Skirts for all women must be to the knee or lower. No skirt may be above the knee or have slits of any length.

To show we’re now hip and much more cool, the section now reads as the following:

Skirts for any person must be to the knee or lower. Skirts may not be above the knee, but may have up to a 3″, no longer, slit on one side of the leg or the other. All legs must be shaven.

We live in the now with you.
HR §215-11.2.3 – Usage of the water-cooler
This section has not been updated since 1952 and we never felt the need to, but we’re bringing ourselves up to the 2015 expectations of such a great company. Previously listed as…

Water coolers may be used by whites only. No niggers, no spics, no kikes! You shouldn’t even be working here if you’re one of those anyway.

It is now listed as…

Water coolers may be used white Caucasians only. No African-Americans, no Hispanics, and no Jews. You shouldn’t have been hired to begin with, except the Jews in our accounting department. Use your own water cooler.

HR §222- and – §222- Personal Item Displays in cubicle (NEW ADDITION)
It is important for people to feel comfortable at work and personal items are a great way to do this. We already allow small pictures and even a few toys on your desk, but in the wake of new portable technologies, we have added something new.

*-*.*.*.1- Any cooking item must be properly grounded when plugged in to prevent fires.
*-*.*.*.2- No deep friers are allowed since we like to keep employees somewhat thinner than the norm.

We like fried cheese as much as the next guy, but given we keep most you in your seat for up to twelve hours a day for little pay, we’re going to do our part in helping you stay healthy.
HR §311-M.D.K – Firearms and other weapons
In order to keep employees safer at the work place, we have revised this section. Previously listed as…

Firearms and other weapons, including but not limited to pocket knives, are prohibited for possession on company grounds. This includes, but is not limited to, the parking lot areas as well.

It is now listed as…

Firearms, other weapons, and anything which may be used as a weapon, such as your own personal pens, scissors, or staple removers, are prohibited to be in your personal possession without supervision from a Manager II or higher. This includes, but is not limited to, the unlit parking lot areas as well. The parking lot is now without lights to keep people from seeing you come and go, which makes you safer, since no one will know you’re there. We are also telling everyone through the media and using roadside billboards to let everyone know our employees pose no threat since they are completely unarmed.

Your safety is one of our top priorities!
HR §318-1.2.3 – Harassment (Sexual)
Sexual harassment is a real problem. Women don’t have to deal with it, so remember that. Originally listed as…

Any written or spoken comment, graphical depiction, unwanted look, touch or other action, or anything which may be interpreted as a sexual nature is prohibited.

Now listed as…

Just because you’re a fat, ugly or homely bitch doesn’t mean the woman getting more attention than you doesn’t like the attention she’s getting. Maybe she’s loving and asking for it. If you’re an attractive woman and you’re wearing a blouse which shows off 90% of your breast, expect people to look. Don’t wear it or shut the fuck up.

Stick with your own gender for workspace friends if you don’t like how one gender acts toward the other.
HR §525-2.1.1 – Internet Usage
As people have gotten used to the Internet, its attraction and mystery have begun to wane. As such, we have revised our Internet policy to reflect the changing attitudes of the people. Previously listed as…

Internet usage is to be limited to only work related items such as project research or sending e-mails. No personal web browsing is allowed. Any violation of this will be grounds for termination!

Now listed as…

Internet usage for pornography is to be limited to your 30 minute break. This ensures your finish as 10 minutes is too short. Usage of Facebook is limited to one wall post and one crop watering per day! You may only view on YouTube, but have unlimited time to view, Sunrie Gaming, Speedy and the Crew, and Vanoss Gaming since those guys are hilarious.

We feel this is the best compromise for personal use to balance work related items.
No revisions. We’re just reminding you.

Please sign below indicating you have read, agree with, and promise to comply with all revisions of the company.

I, ________________________________________, do swear to uphold, with unrelenting courage, all rules and revisions presented to me. HAIL SATAN!


I, ________________________________________, formally resign and commend the dark lord to take my soul now. HAIL SATAN!

Renegade Ranger to the Rescue! (An even more best damn Power Ranger fanfiction ever written!)

Power Rangers: Super Multiverse

Due to popular demand, I am writing another Power Ranger fanfiction set in the multiverse I originally setup. Because the last one I wrote was the absolute best Power Ranger…hell, the best fanfiction of anything…ever written, I swore I wouldn’t write another. However, after all the praise and uncountable death threats I’ve received for not continuing, I feel obligated to do so.

Angel Bay Crest Grove was under constant attack by Evildron and the Rangers weren’t getting much sleep. Every time the Rangers knocked down one monster, another one almost immediately took its place. Sure Evildron had been phoning the monsters in lately, as they were extremely easy to destroy, but the sheer volume of them was now taking its toll. If the Rangers didn’t get help or rest soon, they would die from exhaustion long before the town would remain safe.

“Oh, man! I just want some sueño! A nice little siesta for fifteen minutes!” Carlos screamed as the latest monster exploded. For once, the giant explosion didn’t kill anyone, since most of this area of the city was completely abandoned thanks to both people fleeing and so many people dying during other monster attacks.

“I know what you mean,” Jen agreed, “A nice fall in bed is all I can think about…Hell, I’m not even thinking of using it for sex, just sleep!”

“Damn, you are tired!” Tommy exclaimed, yawning under his helmet.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m done. I’m out. I’m not doing this again. Let the monster attack the fucking city for a few hours. I’m going to bed!” Dustin stated and jumped out of the Megazord. The moment his feet hit the ground, he de-morphed and began running home.

“What a dipshit,” Sky stated as they all left the Megazord as well and de-morphed, “He could have just teleported home. Guess he really is tired as hell.”

“Rangers!” Zordon’s voice cracked over the speaker on their communicators. With a deep sigh, Tommy answered the call.

“No, Zordon, we don’t give a shit if there is another monster attacking the city. Most of this place is trashed and abandoned. We’re getting some sleep!” Tommy shouted. Sky gave Tommy a high-five for being so god damn cool and saying exactly what everyone else was thinking.

“Of course, Tommy,” Zordon said. He knew better than to mouth off to Tommy. Zordon continued, “You get some sleep. I just wanted to let you know I am working on getting you some help.”

“About time, Zordon!” Jen clapped happily, “If you manage to do that, I’ll let you plug into Alpha 5 and slut you up a bit!”

“That would be wonderful!” Alpha’s voice shouted in the background, “We’ll be sure to get you that help!” The communicator went silent and everyone sighed with relief. They agreed to meet back up after a few hours of rest and wouldn’t answer their communicators no matter what.

Meanwhile, with the bad guys…
Deep inside Evildron’s layer he was busy creating his newest, and most powerful, monster ever. Neither the R.A.P.E.B.O.T. nor the M.O.T.H.E.R.F.U.C.K.E.R. had anything on this monster. Given how tired the Rangers were now, they could never hope to destroy this one given how advanced it was. If the R.A.P.E.B.O.T. was a monster design the Rangers had never faced before and the M.O.T.H.E.R.F.U.C.K.E.R. was a speed they had never faced before, this was not only a combination of the two, but it also had power. Evildron learned from his failures, which is a dangerous attribute for a villain.

“Evildron?!” Sloan called out to his master.

“Damn it! What is it, Sloan?!” Evildron screamed over his shoulder, having been startled after sitting in near silence for so long. Rushing into the building room of the lair, still lit by unnecessary candles scattered around for aroma therapy, Sloan rushed up to Evildron, almost out of breath. Sloan had taken Evildron’s habit of not taking many showers, so the candles helped with his smell. Evildron didn’t need many baths, since he didn’t actually sweat, but Sloan was beginning to become rather ripe. Instead of washing, Sloan believed Febreeze and deodorant was actually enough.

“Oh, for the love of god, man, take a shower!” Evildron commented, plugging his nose.

“But…I just did…” Sloan whined, opening his shirt and sniffing at his chest.

“Then take ten more! What do you want?!” Evildron asked, pushing Sloan back.

“Um…you sent me a text message on our two way pager and said you wanted to see me…” Sloan explained, looking down at the ground.

“Of course I did!” Evildron yelled, startling Sloan, “I want you to see as the newest, fastest, and most powerful monster I’ve ever made is finished!” Sloan’s eyes lit up with excitement and he pumped his fist a few time.

“I am so pumped up! Please let me see it!” Sloan begged, rushing over to the darkened bay where they kept the creations as they were being finished. Evildron reached over to his keyboard, entered the last few commands and slowly walked over to Sloan.

“As you know, we’ve been exhausting the Rangers to the point of…well…exhaustion. I have taken cues from our past two ultimate creations and made…uh…well…the ultimate creation!” Evildron said excitedly, slapping Sloan on the back, “Do the honors and hit the lights!” Sloan let out of a school girl like squeal of excitement as he reached over and flipped the large handle into the “on” position.

As the power ran through the lines, several lights turned on with a booming noise, revealing the ultimate creation Evildron had just finished. Taller than any other monster Evildron had created, it also had a form unlike any other monster used before. Sloan’s mouth gaped open as he stared up at it.

“Pretty impressive, eh?” Evildron asked, rubbing his hands together with satisfaction.

“It’s…a…it’s…oh my god…it looks like a blow up doll!” Sloan stated, his voice cracking a few times as he said the words, his throat drying up. Sure enough, the monster stood in humanoid shape with wide eyes and a very open, almost surprised, “O” mouth complete with bright red lips. The outward appearance was female, and it even had the shape of breasts, but no nipples. There was no obvious hole where the vagina or sphincter would be, however.

“Duh!” Evildron spat, “This is the best form for fighting another humanoid with the weapon I’ve equipped it with!” Evildron continued to smile up at his creation while Sloan remained speechless for a few moments.

“What do you call this one, then?” Sloan cautiously asked.

“Keep up now, Sloan. This is the Battalion Leveling, Optimized Weapon, Juggernaut: Oversied Bot! The B, L, O, W…J….O…..B,” Evildron stated, saying the last three letters slower than the previous. Evildron’s hands were slowly rubbing up his waist to his chest.

“Bl…blow job?!” Sloan hoarsely exclaimed, feeling so weak in his knees he actually had to squat down.

“Blow job,” Evildron said in a very slow, satisfied tone as he twisted his nipples. Sloan fell back on his own ass at this point, not exactly sure what to do. He couldn’t speak and his mind was going a mile a minute. Still rubbing his nipples, Evildron looked down at Sloan and raised his eyebrows rapidly a few times while smiling that epic eagle smile.

“This bad bitch has such a powerful weapon, one hit to that Megazord will destroy it!” Evildron said and pointed up at his creation, “Right there in the mouth is where I have it. Unlike the R.A.P.E.B.O.T. there are no ball to give a vasectomy to. Also, the M.O.T.H.E.R.F.U.C.K.E.R. had a problem in its logistics programming. I’ve corrected both issues with this design!” Sloan remained silent, his eyes huge and his mouth trying to form words, but not finding them. With a sigh, Evildron, pulled Sloan to his feet.

“Give the monster some attention, will you? I’m sure it’s feeling neglected,” Evildron instructed Sloan, “Pay special attention to the whole breast. I left the nipples out on purpose!”

Inside the Ranger’s Command Center
“Aye, yi, yi, yiiiiii!” Alpha whined out to Zordon.

“Relax, Alpha 5! I’m sure he got our message,” Zordon told Alpha, who was doing his stupid little robot panic dance.

“I sure hope so, Zordon. The Rangers are too exhausted to keep fighting today!” Alpha cried like a little bitch just as a notification beep began to sound out.

“You got our message!” Zordon said excitedly as Alpha answered the call.

“Yeah, I’m here Zordon. I would have messaged sooner, but I was in the middle of a fine ass bitch,” a voice rang out over the speakers, “So I take it your Rangers are too big of pussies to be able to handle this without my help?”

“Sadly, yes,” Zordon reluctantly admitted, “Without your help, I’m afraid Evildron will kill my Rangers, destroy what’s left of the city, and then soon take over the rest of the world!”

“That’s your worry!” the voice replied laughing, “Even if your Rangers were destroyed, I’d still be able to take Evildron out myself. The only reason I don’t do it right now is because it cuts into my bitches time.”

“Fair enough,” Zordon agreed, “Even still, would you please help us? If my Rangers are destroyed you’ll be taking care of it yourself and that will really cut into your bitches time.” There was a few moments of silence as Zordon’s words sank in. Zordon was speaking the truth, too. The Rangers were the only ones keeping Evildron at bay for now. As crazy and evil as Evildron was, he had O.C.D. and couldn’t multitask very well so he kept focusing almost his entire effort on Angel Bay Crest Grove.

“You would put it like that, wouldn’t you? Damn disembodied head…” the voice said, “Okay, expect me there in about five minutes.”

“Aye, yi, yi, yiiiiii! This is great news, Zordon!” Alpha said happily as he did his happy robot dance.

“Yes, Alpha 5, this will help us considerably to have a green ranger. Now, please focus in on the Rangers with the viewing globe so I can potentially perv on them,” Zordon instructed. Alpha did as he was told, tuning the viewing globe into the Rangers, who were all hanging out at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice Bar.

“At least there have been no monster attacks on the city. A nice seventeen hour sleep is what I needed,” Sky stated, double fisting whiskey sour.

“Yeah, you know I actually ran six miles home forgetting I could teleport?” Dustin asked, daintily sipping on a clear diet cola, “That’s how tired I actually was!” Reaching over, Tommy punched Dustin right in his face, forcing him to spill his drink.

“That’s what you get for being such a little bitch, bitch!” Tommy shouted as Dustin pulled himself back in his chair. Dustin gave Tommy a high-five for putting him in his place because he knew Tommy was right…and so damn cool.

“All I know is I’ve never spent so long in bed without someone else in there with me,” Jen said, finishing off her sixth glass of wine, “I mean, I went three hours before getting myself filled!” Sky didn’t know how to respond. Instead, he just stared at her wide eyed and his mouth open slightly before slowly putting another drink to his lips.

“I was all wrapped up in the sheets like a bean burrito. It was bueño,” Carlos stated with pride, tipping back a full bottle of tequila, “After I got down with Jen, anyway.” Sky was so surprise with the sudden confession from Carlos he actually shot whiskey sour out of his nose, causing him to groan in pain.

“Something wrong, Sky?” Tommy asked, confused since he was sure they had all tapped Jen at one point or another.

“No…not at all!” Sky stammered and then ran to the bar to get another drink. Suddenly a presence so heavy and noticeable washed over them, causing them to look toward the door. The happily yelling of women and a bad ass rock song began to fill the room as the presence got closer.

“Holy…fucking…shit… No…way…” Tommy said quietly. The voices and music got louder until finally the cause of it all entered into the room.

“Oh my god!” Dustin screamed. Jen sat transfixed at the sight before her. She was completely mesmorized and couldn’t take her eyes off the new guy. He was wearing wrap around black sun glasses, tight black jeans, a dark green shirt with a black leather jacket on top of it with a single dark green stripe running down the left side with a dark green “#1” on the right side, and his dark brown hair was slicked back in the coolest way possible. As he stood there, women were desperately trying to cling tighter to him, but his face just said, “These bitches want me, no shit, and I still don’t give a fuck.”

“Who’s he?!” Jen asked, rubbing herself under the table.

“The only person cooler than Tommy…Ziggy Grover!” Sky said getting back to the group and collapsed into his chair, “This is who Zordon got to help us?! He’s practically a Ranger GOD!” Tommy turned back to the table and slammed his fists down on the table as hard as he could, cracking it the entire length.

“Damn it!” Tommy muttered under his breath. Ziggy looked around, threw his arms out to the side and every woman and the music went quiet. Seeing the other Rangers, he pointed to the ground indicated for the women following him to remain where they were and began to groove over to the Rangers’ table.

“So you’re Zordon’s Rangers, huh? No wonder he needs my help,” Ziggy stated, snapping the sunglasses off his face, closing them and storing them inside his leather jacket. Jen jumped up from her chair and fell to his legs. She began rubbing his legs up and down while looking up at him like a begging puppy.

“Hi! I’m Jen!!!” she exclaimed, nuzzling his legs with her cheek.

“Of course you are,” Ziggy said, not trying to remove her. Jen just giggled and began kissing from his calf to his outer thigh repeatedly.

“Yeah, and you must be Doctor K’s Ranger,” Tommy replied snarkily without even turning around.

“Actually, I renamed her Doctor C, as in Doctor Can’t Take Anymore of this Dick Because I Wore The Bitch Out,” Ziggy explained, “So, you must be Tommy. The legend himself…disappointing.” Tommy flipped the table out of anger over how much cooler Ziggy was than himself. Folding his arms, Tommy began to sulk and shut his mouth.

“It’s an honor, amigo!” Carlos said, giving Ziggy a high-five while looking at Tommy in shame wondering how he ever found Tommy cool to begin with.

“It’s going to be nice having some help!’ Dustin said. Ziggy glared over at Dustin before kicking him in the chest, knocking him over two tables.

“Let’s get something straight, maggots: I am not here to help. I am the solution to your problem and then I’m gone. Don’t get in my fucking way and I won’t have to unblock you like a hair clog in a sink. Got it?” Ziggy asked. Jen giggled again and began to massage on Ziggy’s ass with joy. Sky said nothing and simply nodded.

“Understood…” Tommy whispered. Suddenly their communicators sprang to life as Zordon’s voice erupted through in a panic.

“Rangers! We have a serious problem! Evildron’s greatest creation to date is attacking! We need you!” Zordon exclaimed in more of a fit than they had ever heard.

“Don’t worry about it, Zordon,” Ziggy replied, “I’m here and I’ll stop this problem in about ten seconds.” Jen reached up and began to work Ziggy’s penis in his pants, but Ziggy stopped her. “You get to touch it when I allow you to,” Ziggy informed Jen as he forcefully pulled her off him. Reaching toward the sky and snapping his fingers, a bad ass beat began to play as Ziggy stepped back, causing the women to start screaming excitedly once again.

“Let’s do this shit!” Ziggy shouted and performed his morphing choreography, “Get in mother fucking gear!” In a green flash, complete with a massive explosion behind him, which unfortunately killed fifteen, maybe twenty, of the women who had been following him, Ziggy was now morphed into the most powerful Ranger of this universe. Giving the rest of the Rangers the middle finger, Ziggy teleported away to the fight.

“Fuck…he is cool,” Tommy said with a sigh as he faced palmed in shame.

At the area of attack…
“Wow, it is getting really hard to find somewhere to destroy and while killing people around here anymore…” Evildron said to himself, riding on the shoulder of the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. through the old downtown, “Maybe I should have held back a little…”

“Evildron! Evildron!” Sloan’s voice crackled over the dollar store two-way radio they stole in order to contact each other, “A Ranger is headed your way! Maybe you should get off the…the…”

“It’s the B.L.O.W.J.O.B, Sloan. Say it right or don’t say it at all!” Evildron firmly told Sloan, “Who cares if it’s just one Ranger, anyway?” Evildron cracked his knuckles and looked around at the mostly destroyed city. A small bit of sadness came over him, not for the loss of life or destruction in of itself, but the fact he wouldn’t have much to take over if he kept destroying everything. He made a note to himself to stop powering his creations with a highly explosive compound which also turned into a potentially fatal miasma.

“But…but…but…” Sloan stammered. It was too late, however, as Evildron saw exactly who was heading his way. Shrieking like a frightened eagle, Evildron jumped off and teleported to safety. Ziggy was inside the most epic, amazing, and just plain cool looking single Megazord anyone has ever seen, known as the Ultimate Battlezord, and he was hauling ass faster than any of the other Rangers could ever hope for.

“What the fuck?!” Ziggy shouted to himself as he got closer to Evildron’s creation, “Is that what I think it is?!” Leaning back, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. began to charge the weapon, but Ziggy saw it coming and dodged to the side just as the laser blasted past him. The exact moment the laser was coming to a finish, Ziggy jumped into the air and slammed a kick directly into the breast area of the creature, forcing it to stagger backwards, rubbing its chest.

“Titty fucker!” Evildron screamed, grabbing Sloan by the back of the neck and pointing to the fight, “Did you see that?! That is just rude!” Sloan just whined and groaned as he was forced to watch in the tight grip of Evildron’s hand.

“We’re here to help!” Ziggy heard Dustin’s voice ring out over his speakers.

“Don’t worry, we’ll keep it busy while you destroy it!” Tommy said as their Megazord rushed up to the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. and kneed it right in the face with a sick ass jumping knee strike. You know, like the one you can do in Double Dragon: Advanced on the Gameboy Advanced. That game was fucking awesome! Yeah, that type of flying knee attack. This caused the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. to fall to the ground backwards.

“Yeah, bitch! Who’s fucking who, now?!” Sky screamed. The Megazord then began to teabag the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. rapidly while Carlos sang, “Dip, dip, potato chip!”

“Get off of it!” Ziggy screamed as he saw the creature begin to charge up its weapon. The Megazord sat directly on the creature’s face looking toward Ziggy’s Ultimate Battlezord.

“Why? We’ve got our finger on the pussy trigger in this fight!” Jen giggled over the headset.

“What’s that sound?” Carlos asked, looking down at the floor. Before anyone could answer, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. let loose its weapon and forced the Megazord up into the air, legs spread, as if it were riding a long, red, never ending dildo into the air.

“You dumb, bitch! The only trigger you understand is the one on your vibrator!” Ziggy shouted to the other Rangers as he heard them screaming as they flew higher and higher into the air. When the laser came to an end, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. spread its legs wide, propped itself, and stood up in a battle stance. In a streak (do you see what I did there?), the creature was upon the Ultimate Battlezord and kicked it across town and over a mountain.

“Look, Sloan, look!” Evildron shouted happily, jerking Sloan around by the neck haphazardly, “Not even the Ranger god, Ziggy, is standing a chance! This is the ultimate creation!” Sloan was desperately trying to get Evildron to let go of him, but was having no luck doing so.

“Mother…fucker…” Ziggy said to himself as he stood his zord back up, “No more dicking around. I have bitches to get back to. Ultimate God Slayer!” With both hands out to the side, a powerful energy began to swirl around the hands of Ziggy’s Ultimate Battlezord. Thinking it saw a chance, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. rushed toward its enemy at break neck speed while charging up another shot.

“Imma firin’ mah lazor!” the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. screamed and let loose the blast. A blinding flash which could rival that of being at the center of a star exploding spread for hundreds of miles around. Thinking Ziggy was destroyed, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. let down its guard and stood straight up with pride. As the blinding light faded and the dust dissipated, the Ultimate Battlezord was still standing, both hands out in front of itself, now holding two of the most awesome looking swords ever, glowing in a powerful green energy.

“Suck on this one,” Ziggy said calmly. Before it could even react, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. was cut one thousand times in less than a second, causing it to explode while screaming in pain. Lucky for the Megazord, which was now falling to the ground at an unstoppable speed, the force of the explosion was so great, it created enough cushion of compacted air to slow it down and not be destroyed. The Ultimate Battlezord just stood in an even more badass “I don’t give a fuck!” stance than the Megazord ever could as this all happened.

“NO!” Evildron screamed, throwing Sloan to the ground, “NO! What the fuck?! I need a vacation!” Sloan looked up at Evildron and grabbed hold of his leg fast enough to be teleported away with him. Slowly the Megazord stood and the Ultimate Battlezord powered down.

“That…was…awesome!” Dustin screamed and clapped his hands together.

“Yeah…he’s fucking cool…cooler than me…” Tommy admitted out loud.

Evildron was pacing around and throwing whatever he could get his hands on against the wall in his lair.

“Damn it! Another creature destroyed!” Evildron screamed, kicking a door off the hinges, “You know what? I’m going on vacation!”

“Does that mean..?” Sloan asked.

“If you think it means you get time off, then you’re wrong!” Evildron said, calming down a bit and falling into his recliner, “You’re going to stay here and build me another creature. Let’s see what you can do.”

“Oh…okay…I guess I can do that…” Sloan said, sitting across from Evildron and turning on the TV.

“I’m thinking something along the lines of a Fully Upgraded, Controlled Kinetic, Digitally Operated Lethal Lackey,” Evildron said, folding his arms over his chest and focusing on the TV, now reporting his latest failure.

“F…u… Fuck doll?” Sloan asked, looking out of the corner of his eye toward Evildron.

“Fuck doll!” Evildron said happily while clapping and pointing with both hands at Sloan.

There you go! That’s even more of a best damn Power Ranger fanfiction than Evildron’s Master Plan is!

With how great this is, please stop threatening to kill me if I don’t write anymore. This has got to tie you over for at least another ten years it’s so good!

Trevor Belmot suspended from Castlevania amid controversial statements

Trevor Belmont, the current patriarch of the Belmont family and high ranking member to the Brotherhood of Light, has been suspended from Castlevania by Konami after allegations of hate speech.

During an interview with the Monster Hunter Monthly, Trevor Belmont was asked a few questions regarding his personal beliefs as a monster hunter. The interviewer asked Trevor Belmont what he thought was the biggest, most sinful monster he recently had slain was. Trevor Belmont responded with the following:

That’s a tough one, but let’s start with the witches and branch out from there to the vampires. Let’s not forget about the flea-men going around jumping on this guy, and that guy, and the next guy, and some lady. They’re annoying as hell.

Then there’s the fishmen… I don’t know how anyone can look at those things and think they’ve got more to offer than a pike! I mean, a pike has delicious meat to eat. A fishman is nothing but bones!

Lastly, I think we can all agree a dog is a lot more of a suitable pet than a warg or a werewolf. The warg is going to eat your family completely and a werewolf just wants to spread his sin all over the place.

The Order of Ecclesia, a civil rights group filled with those who practice magic and other witchcraft, had received notice of Trevor Belmont’s statement and immediately began their retaliatory remarks, speaking out against him.

It’s terrible a member of the Belmont family would spout off such ignorant and hate filled statements! Comparing us to vampires…the nerve! Implying that we suck the bodily juices from our victims out of their neck while turning them into a demon spawn, forced to live in darkness…inconceivable! We’re witches! We turn people into toads, lizards, and the like. If we need bodily juices, we either seduce it out of the men we target or we drain it out of cuts we make ourselves with silver daggers.

Even though more than 60% of the population of Wallachia agrees witches, and everything else Trevor Belmont listed, are evil, that hasn’t stopped Konami from removing Trevor Belmont from all future Castlevania games at this time. Still, this hasn’t stopped Konami from releasing multiple titles already developed for sale with Trevor Belmont making appearances in them. Konami has also slated a new game, Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2, to release with Trevor Belmont making multiple appearances.

When asked about the hypocrisy, Konami had this to say:

It’s terrible Trevor Belmont would say such hate filled things. However, we are going to keep the current games released and will release the future game with no changes. Why? Because reasons. Mostly money. He makes us money. We aren’t above raking in the tons of cash he has provided to us and we will continue to ride that boat until it sinks!

Konami would not answer any further questions.

The Order of Ecclesia was not the only one to speak out against Trevor Belmont. When several confused individuals sent out tweetie birds filled with tiny messages tied to their feet, one of Wallachia’s best known trolls, Manpox, began catching and eating the birds. He then sent messages back to the people who sent them. One such message Manpox sent out was the following:

Personal beliefs aren’t personal when you say them out loud! Does that make sense? Of course not, but I don’t care!

When large numbers of people began speaking out against his limited understanding on what happened, he simply began ignoring them…but kept eating the birds. When asked what he thought was going on, Manpox told us the following:

People have the freedom to say what they want, but if you say what I don’t agree with, them I’m going to rip out your entrails, sit on your chest, and shit in the cavity! I will continue to ignore people giving me facts. I will only send out copies of people agreeing with me! Also, blow me.

Manpox would not give us further information, and instead, started screaming we were Wiccaphobians, hated Wallachia, and then began to fling his own feces in our direction. Needless to say, we beat a hasty retreat.

All of this begs the question: When does personal belief equal a right to be fired from your job? Trevor Belmont is known as someone with firm beliefs and even in game has stated his distaste for those who hunt in the night. Why now, then, is this suddenly an issue? Unlike Trevor’s distaste for vampires in the games, it’s simply because he made claim against a different group of people…a group of people who hex those who don’t toe-the-line with their special interest. No one is upset over Trevor’s statements about flea-men, wargs, or anything else. They’re simply upset about the comment about witches. Witches have been pressing for special rights for years now, demanding equal treatment, but then screaming how unfair it is when they are treated as poorly as everyone else.

Trevor Belmont had this to say in conclusion:

Am I going to stop this? No. I am a warrior for the Brotherhood of Light. We are a quasi-Christian based organization. I am a Christian myself. We’re tasked to take out creatures and people who worship the darkness. It’s our job! People are acting like this is an attack on people rather than the murderous and sinful life style itself. Everyone keeps forgetting I married a magic user . My wife, Sypha, her maiden name was Belnades, is an amazing mage. Hell, I even let a Devil Forgemeister go because he was a decent person. It’s the person and what they choose to do, not the title itself.

I’m going to keep spreading my message all over the place. This is nothing new to Konami. They wanted to do a series based on my family for a reason.

All members of the Belmont family, including Gabriel Belmont, controversial in his own right, have begun to discuss if they are going to continue doing the game series at all after the release of Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2. Unlike Monster Hunter Monthly, we never feel people are “too free to speak their mind” and will continue to fight fascism in all its forms.