It’s Just a Social Experiment!

tl;dr These normally go at the end of the story, but I’ll make it easier for you this time. This is only a social experiment. Would you give up the most important thing to you and give it to someone else to help them forever even if you don’t know what that thing you’re giving up is? Just answer yes now with your name or no down below!

 

It was the weekend before Fourth of July 2017 and I was headed down to Ruby’s At the End of The Pier in Huntington Beach, CA with my girlfriend and several other friends to eat and do some fishing. Thank god my best friend, Rodney, lived within walking distance, because the place was unbelievably packed. The smell of sun tan lotion, sun screen, beach foam, and salt water filled the my senses and relieved much needed stress just with the fact it was present. I needed this mini-vaycay. We were going into third-quarter at work and down on goal, so everyone was feeling the crunch. Shit rolls down hill and the bullshit was thick right now. None of that mattered today, of course, as the sun kissed my face and stroked my hair, letting me know everything would be fine. Not even the wind seemed to blow this day, knowing not to ruin such a perfect time.

As typical in this area of California, but not quite as crazy as Santa Monica, all kinds of vendors and street performers were out and about trying to make a quick buck. Everything from caricature artists to palm readers lined up with tables are just shouting out they were doing it. Huntington Beach Police are notoriously over aggressive so I don’t know why anyone would really want to risk the unrelenting beatings, but they can’t be everywhere at once and if you need money, then you need money I guess.

Cinthia (yes spelled correctly as she is 100% pure wasp descendant), my girlfriend, was chatting up with her friends Toreene and April about all the shopping they were going to do while “the boys” enjoyed their fishing after we ate. I was half tuning everyone out, including Rodney and James, as I was taking in the sights and enjoying myself, while simultaneously trying to keep my fishing equipment from spilling out all over the street or smacking people because of the density of the crowd. We were approaching the pier when I was suddenly pulled out of my self induced trance.

“…and you? What about you? Would you help?!” a happy go-lucky, almost sing song voice called out to me. How I knew it was for me I can’t say. There must have been a hundred people around me at the time, but I knew…I just knew this voice was directly at me specifically.

“Uh…I’m sorry, but help with what?” I asked, moving away from the group. At the time I didn’t think it odd there was a direct path to where the voice came from. Not one other person was walking in a manner which wold require me to alter my trek to this new destination. It just seemed right and normal. I saw before me a man, perhaps late twenties, not much older than myself, smiling at a table holding a clipboard and pen out to me. His auburn shaggy hair shone brightly in the sun and his skin was lightly sun kissed, unlike most gingers you’d see. He was smiling, but…I don’t know, something didn’t seem happy for him. Like something was missing.

“Oh, it’s just a social experiment! Would you be willing, right now, no questions asked, be wiling to give up the most important thing to you, even if you didn’t really know what that thing was, to help someone else out forever?” he asked again, in that same sing-song voice with a saccharin personality.

“I don’t understand what you’re asking, dude. Help someone forever? Most important thing to me?” I asked in a fog of confusion.

“Joel!” I heard my girlfriend call out, causing me to turn my head. Everyone was coming back over to me through the rest of the crowd, looking a little irritated.

“Hey, man, you know how Ruby’s gets. We’ll be waiting hours just for a fucking burger if we don’t hurry up. What are you doing?” Rodney questioned me.

“Sorry, this guy caught my attention. Wanted to know if I’d give up the most important thing in the world to me if it would helps someone out forever,” I explained to everyone.

“It’s just a social experiment,” the guy said once again looking at everyone, “So, is anyone willing to do it? You would be giving up the most important thing to you, even if you didn’t know what that was, but it would help else forever!” Everyone just kind of looked at each other in confusion and bewilderment at such a question.

“I don’t get it,” April stated, shaking her head.

“Oh god…is this going to be put on YouTube? I’m out,” James stated and waved to us as walked to the pier, “I’ll get us a spot to fish!”

“Yeah…if you don’t know what it is, then why would it matter, then?” Toreene asked in a way that she didn’t really care what the answer is.

“I…guess I would…I mean…that does make sense when she puts it that way…” I said half-halfheartedly.

“Oh, so you’re willing to give me up?!” Cinthia asked in a fake angry voice, teasing me.

“I assure you, it wouldn’t be you. No offense, but you may be the most important thing to him now, but not the most important thing to him completely,” the man chuckled. That chuckle…did not seem odd, forced or scary. Just an every day laugh at a small joke which wouldn’t be out of place for anyone.

“Screw it, sure. I could use some good karma!” I said, putting my things down and grabbing the pen and clipboard. There was a line for my printed name and signature. Not much to say about the paper or what was written on it. Pretty much exactly what the guy had said was what I read. With a shrug, I filled it out. Handing everything back to the man, I did feel a quick chill and couldn’t breath for a second, like something sucked my breath for a split moment in time, but nothing else. I don’t think I even noticed it at the time.

“Uh…uh…okay! Thank you!” the man said as he put the clipboard away and began to fold up the table and left in a hurry as I collected my belongings.

“Huh…I was the only signature on that paper…” I remarked off hand as we made our way down the pier to Ruby’s.

“He only needed one signature? For a social experiment?” Toreene asked, scrunching up her face in annoyance at such foolery.

“Maybe he’s sampling how many signatures versus time in different areas?” Rodney asked, not really caring by the way he asked it.

“Who cares? As long as he didn’t give me up!” Cinthia stated, punching my arm playfully. I made a mock painful face at her and gave her a quick kiss.

 

The rest of the trip was uneventful for anything else concerned. We had gotten our food, caught some fish while the girls shopped and went out to dinner at a chain further in town to avoid the crowds. I dropped Cinthia back off at her place and prepared to sleep deep and long well into Sunday morning. I’ve learned recently Ruby’s burned down…I hope this had nothing to do with this day…

I’ve never been one for nightmares or night terrors, but I had the worst dreams all night long. There is one which sticks with me the most because of how vivid it was… I was floating in…nothingness. That’s the only way I can describe it. Darkness would be something. Smoke would be something. A hole would be something. This was NOTHING. If you’ve never experienced it before, then you are lucky because it is one of the most horrifying things you can ever know. That’s not the worst part about it, though. In this nothing was something. I don’t know what it was, but it was fear and terror beyond what this nothing was creating. Agony and pure pain accompanied it. Screams came from inside my own skull until I realized, in my nightmare, *I* was the the one screaming from it all. I couldn’t wake up. I couldn’t stop it…and then I was awake.

I don’t remember waking. I don’t remember slowly opening my eyes. I didn’t shoot up in bed in a cold sweat. I wasn’t breathing heavy and jumping out of the sheets. None of it. I was just…awake, in my bathrobe, holding my coffee cup and staring into the black depths of my own reflection. How long had I been awake? I still don’t know. I chalked it all up to the stress and then being in the sun for so long the day before and got dressed.

I called up Cinthia to see what time she wanted me to pick her up for another day out, but she said April found out her boyfriend blew her off the day before not to spend time with his family, but to hook up with another girl, so she and Toreene were going to spend the day comforting her. I’m not made of stone, and I know how women can be, so I told her I understood and tired to call Rodney. No answer. Multiple times. Oh well, his loss I guess. James always worked Sundays, so he wasn’t going to be available to do anything.

This is when I noticed things on my life beginning to change. I suddenly had no interest in going to church. The people in my life, including Cinthia, began avoiding me. Even people outside of my life began avoiding me. When I would go to a restaurant, I’d be ignored until I made a big scene and even then the waiter or waitress would act like they didn’t see me. Doctor visits would result in me being ignored as well until I made a point to say I was there and needed to be seen. I couldn’t explain it. My clients wouldn’t call me back. My boss was off my back, but I also wasn’t making my commission. While everything wasn’t falling apart, I wasn’t happy and things weren’t great. They…just were. Like me in a state of simply existing.

The nightmares continued. That’s why I sought medical help at first. I was worried I had some kind of trouble with my brain…maybe even cancer…but that turned out to be false, thankfully. Psychiatric help didn’t help, either. I always though these shrinks wanted to find a way to help you. They don’t. At least not me. They simply acted like I was just…there. Again, this is how I felt. They offered little to no advice like removing caffeine from my diet and other silly things. No drugs to help. No life advice to give. Waste of money.

 

This has continued for almost a year now. A few weeks ago I was in the Westminster Mall when I noticed a familiar face. It was that man from Huntington Beach! He was in a nice looking outfit, talking on his cellphone with a brief case by his side as he sat on a bench. He was smiling and laughing every so often as he talked. I cautiously made my way over to him as he ended his conversation. He seemed to confused at first as I approached him, and then nervous once he must have realized why he recognized me. I put my hands up in a none threatening way to let him know I meant him no harm, which seemed to calm him.

“Hey, what’s going on?” I asked, standing a few feet from him.

“Oh, yeah, you…you’re the one who helped me with that…social…experiment…right?” he asked, a hand on his brief case now.

“Yeah…so…how’d it go..?” I inquired very curious and ready to dive deeper into what exactly the point of that day was for him. His smile, this time, and his eyes, seemed genuinely happy, unlike before. Something about him seemed so much more real and present and the last time I saw him.

“Oh, it went great. I really appreciate it. If you, uh…don’t mind…I…uh…I have to get going,” he said abruptly as he nearly jumped to his feet and began walking away.

“Hey, hold on…just what was the social experiment about anyway? I know what you asked, but I don’t get it. What was the point?” I asked rapidly, needing to know.

“It’s…you wouldn’t understand or believe me. It’s cool. Like I said, it was just a social experiment. Why would you believe you gave up a soul, anyway?” the man asked me slowly, looking me directly in my eyes.

A soul? What was he talking about?

“A…soul? Give me a break. What? Are you saying you’re the devil?” I laughed the best I could at such a moronic statement.

“No. I’m not the devil. Neither was the one I gave up my soul to,” the man said matter of fact, taking a few steps towards me. That’s when it finally hit me. That’s what was missing in my reflection. That’s what was now present in this man’s eyes unlike before: Spark of life. I wasn’t dead. I wasn’t a zombie…but the nightmares…the horrible nightmares and the fact i always felt like I was simply just present now made sense. I didn’t go to church because there was no point…what soul did I have to save if I didn’t have one?

“Then…but…I don’t…” I sputtered, until I was finally able to form a sentence, “My soul…if you’re not the devil, then who…what?”

“Oh, I’m human,” the man smirked and chuckled, “So was the person I gave my soul up to as well. I’m not the first and you won’t be the last. This has been a long time coming, ever since the first person sold their own soul to the devil almost six thousand years ago. It was the only way out of the contract. The one without the soul is the one who goes to Satan for all eternity. Right now, that’s you. Good luck. Find another sucker’s soul if you want to avoid your fate. Ta-ta for now!” With that, he turned and walked away. I was left too stunned to speak. Too stunned to do anything really.

tl;dr So, this is just a social experiment: Would you give up the most important thing to you, even if you didn’t know what that was, in order to help someone else out forever? Just say yes with your name or no down below.

_____
Originally posted by me on Reddit /nosleep date of 03/31/2108
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Cute Hitler Babies – Seven adorable children you’ll want to adopt!

Adolf Hitler was ahead of his time and was persecuted for ideas far too progressive for his era. Luckily we’re coming around to see things his way and the world is using politics and voting instead of an iron fist to ease people into it. Below you’ll find six adorable Hitler babies you’ll be crazy not to feel the desire to adopt right over the internet! Let’s begin…

1. Kyle Stephinson
How adorable is he?! Not only does Kyle have an amazing natural Hitler look about him, he’s almost saying, “I have a feeling your a kike!” with that face. Kyle is a natural born public speaker on top of it all. The parents of Kyle Stephinson aren’t willing to sell at this point, and who can blame them? If I had this natural Hitler, who has an 84% rating on “Am I Hitler Reborn?! dot com”, I would be holding on him as well.

Likes
1. Aryan history
2. Subjugation of non-whites
3. Hilary Clinton for President
4. Peeing in a clean diaper
5. Pooping in a diaper with Benjamin Netanyahu’s picture under his butt
6. Muslims when they kill everyone…except for whites who agree with their methods even if they aren’t part of their sociology-political beliefs

Dislikes
1. Kikes
2. Wops (unless they help purge the world of the mud races)
3. Any and all mud races, really
4. Muslim who kill everyone regardless if they agree with them
5. Republicans
6. Nuclear arms sanctions


2. Susy-May “Hitlereen” McCoy
What can we say about Susy-May other than she is so dedicated to the Hitler lifestyle since birth she has managed to grow a toothbrush mustache! On top of everything, she’s just the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen when she starts in on one of her baby babble speeches telling us all about the disgusting niggers ruining this great country of ours. She isn’t letting the fact the handicap she’s a girl keep her back from the world!

You may be wondering if it’s contradictory for a female to be an Adolf Hitler. Well, you would be if you aren’t a true follower of his great philosophy, so keep that kind of shit quiet unless you want her to cut your dick off and feed it to a rabid chink. She’d do it, too. Beneath that cute exterior and gorgeous hair is one fierce skin-head!

Likes
1. Meal time
2. Mr Floppy Bunny
3. Mass genocide
4. Consulting psychics for future battle plans
5. History channel when they feature WWI and WWII
6. Jihad

Dislikes
1. Beaners
2. Gooks
3. Broccoli
4. Ronald Reagan
5. Hippies
6. Nap time


3. William Smith
The absolute youngest of all on our list, William Smith is what we like to refer to as a “lifer”. Being so young is giving him a leg up on the competition over at “Am I Hitler Reborn?! dot com” with a 96%. Just look at this photo! It’s so advanced and he’s so dedicated, if you see him giving you the middle finger, it’s because he knows you aren’t a pure bred Aryan and deserve to be eradicated. Personally, I see him giving me the thumbs up while offering me all the guns and ammo I want to purge the world of the filth, so I hope you do as well. If not, keep it to yourself or we will find you.

Little William Smith isn’t speaking just yet, but his facial expressions and hand gestures are enough to get the message across. I mean, those eyes alone prove how perfect he really is. This child is 100% not a Jew and time will prove it as well.

Don’t you want to just snatch him up? Well, good news! For the low-low cost of this almost certainly reborn Hitler is going for only $98K! That’s a hell of a deal on a white baby anyway! Now, this is to a good Aryan home only, and the parents will be checking genetic markers to be certain.

Likes
1. The liberal agenda
2. Crushing prairie niggers with a rock
3. Peckerwoods
4. A warm bottle and a swaddling blanket
5. Pure bred Aryans
6. Witchcraft for power

Dislikes
1. Micks
2. Peace on Earth and a light hand
3. Tar babies
4. Shampoo that stings his eyes
5. Anti-racism school policies
6. Losing a fist fight


4. Gregory Adams
Being a runner up on the list for youngest doesn’t phase little Gregory Adams. Just look at how Aryan this little darling is! Those perfect blue eyes will just melt the heart of any Marquis while that golden hair will light the way to a more perfect, white future. Some would argue he isn’t as dedicated to the cause as much as some of the others since he has yet to participate in his first lynching, but his parents have been busy smoking pot using government money from their welfare. He has witnessed plenty of lynchings, however, so we can’t hold it against him for having lazy parents.

Since they are low on funds to buy Pabst Blue Ribbon and some high grade pot, you can adopt Gregory Adams today. The price is steep, set at $1.78 million (American currency only), but this little booger is just too cute to pass up if you’ve got the funds. Think of him like the sports car of all these little Hitler babies!

Likes
1. RAHOWA! (racial holy war)
2. The 14 Words
3. White Power
4. Southern Cops
5. Breast milk from a pure white woman
6. Colors and music from his toys

Dislikes
1. Republican congress
2. Gun control (but no one should like it)
3. Savage Nation radio show
4. Al Sharpton
5. Arrest and prosecution of lynch mobs
6. Strong women


5. Jimmy O’Keery
Ooh…sorry there, Jimmy…but you’re confusing Adolf Hitler with Vladimir Lenin. While there are a lot of similarities between the two, especially in Lenin’s replacement, Joseph Stalin, they aren’t the same people!

We can all appreciate the effort put out here, but we just can’t support Jimmy O’Keery as a cute Hitler baby. Sorry about that…


6. Wang Chung
Close, but no cigar there, chink-y! Your people are only good for one thing: Suicide plane attacks on an aircraft carrier.

See, we have to specify, because towel-heads are great at killing themselves in suicides as well.

I apologies…these people are also good at killing themselves by just killing themselves without hurting anyone else. Sometimes they even help each other!


7. Barak Antwaine Johnson
Wh…uh..wh…where the fuck do I even begin with how wrong this is? How did this nigger even get in here?

I’m going to fire whoever the hell did the image selection for this entry, I swear. We don’t put in pictures of minorities to show we’re “sensetive” and we most certainly don’t do it to come across not racist!

That does it…show me a picture of our goddess and queen!


Breast Cancer: Nature’s Lolcat

Breast Cancer is Nature's Lol Cat 1
Breast Cancer is Nature’s Lolcat

…according to the Susan B. Colmen Foundation, anyway. If you’re confused to what a lolcat is, it’s a meme in which an image macro of one or more cats has text that is idiosyncratic and grammatically shit. They’re also considered the number one most hilarious jokes ever created on the Internet, standing the tried and true test of time. Even ancient Egyptians had lolcats, going so far as to paint the walls of the pyramids with them in their resting chambers.

So, how does this all tie in? Well, breast cancer is pretty terrible and even ancient Egyptians dealt with it. In addition, breast cancer isn’t all that smart, just like cats, and even has pretty bad grammar. Nature throws breast cancer out, and it’s always a massively hilarious shock when you find out you have it. Especially when you’re a guy and get titty sickness! Oh, and let’s not forget cats get breast cancer, too. The joke keeps getting funnier!

The Susan B. Coleman Foundation every year recognizes the most hilarious breast cancer situations from around the world. They give out awards, called “Double D Dones”, to a handful of sufferers, with some of the most coveted trophies ever created. The Double D Dones go back to 1992 when the foundation first started the award ceremony. Thanks to advancement in the medical field women who receive the Double D Dones can actually get double d breasts back. One of the benefits of receiving the award is free breast augmentations. The best thing about the procedures is the breasts are completely fake, so the chance for cancer to take them again are almost zero.

Flat tittiesJust like every hilarious joke, the meme of breast cancer comedy jams has taken the world by storm. One would think there would be some negative backlash, but ever since the origin of the Internet, the meme of breast cancer comedy jams have been around. This completely predates Hampster Dance and even Nigger Chucking, the latter of which has fallen out of favor for Darkie Spear Dancing. With one search anyone can find a new breast cancer comedy jam almost every day!

Sadly, science is working on a 100% cure for breast cancer and they are getting extremely close. Right now there is a drug called tamoxifen being produced to prevent breast cancer with an 86% success rate. Obviously, this isn’t a popular outcome and people have been protesting in record numbers. The Susan B. Coleman Foundations has put up millions of dollars to prevent this terrible drug from coming to the masses, even going as far as suing doctors who give it to patients.

You can get involved in this protest and save the free augmented breasts by heading over to the Susan B. Coleman Foundation website and, the slightly less popular, Tat-tas for Da Wurld! website. Together we can keep breast cancer from becoming a legend, then a myth, and finally a religious justification to start a war!


Little Known Legendary Creatures #2 – Butt Pirate

Legendary Butt Pirate

In the last installment of Little Known Legendary Creatures, we investigated the Buffalo Wing Fairy and what made it so special. Today, we are going to take a look at the often criticized, and now turned insult, Butt Pirate.


Origin
Origin stories of the Butt Pirate seem to date back as far as the 1600’s and were originally considered good luck. During that time, personal hygiene was a problem for people in general, but especially sailors who would be out at sea for months at a time without proper privies.

One sailor had this to say about the Butt Pirate in his sailing journal (cleaned for easier reading in current English):

We have been without port nearly three months and the smell of the crew was staggering. Nearly all members were about to start mutiny due to the unsanitary conditions we were forced to live with. Praise the Lord, however, when at dusk our look out spotted a ship near the horizon. At first fearful, we were alerted to the emblem on the flag, which we recognized: Butt Pirate! Quickly heading below deck to feign sleep, the Butt Pirate boarded us, collecting the fecal matter he uses for mysterious reasons, and our posteriors were cleaned.

This is not the first recorded incident of the Butt Pirate, but it does prove to be one of the best to show the creature was welcomed, not feared, nor used as an insult.


Powers
Butt Pirate is known to invade, both through consensual and non consensual contact, the butt of its target. What it does with these poop nuggets has long been up for debate as no one has seen what it does with them.

According to lore, the Butt Pirate has the ability to make his own ship, The Black Eel, appear and disappear at will. In addition to invisibility, records suggest the ship can also move across time and space to reach other destinations almost immediately. Take for instance this account in Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World:

Butt Pirate is not a marquis and is often shunned by the higher daemon lords. He is commonly known to sail among the world’s waters, including the Great Lakes in America and even a few times reported in Loch Ness.

Appearing as a regal naval officer with a hat portraying a skull and crossbones, he smells of sweat and feces. All except his head appears to be human and he has a hook for a hand on the right side. Where his face and head should be is what looks like a well fatted butt.

He has the ability to appear and disappear upon his magnificent ship, adorned with beauty, and preceded by the odor of fecal matter. The phantom smell of solid waste is an indication Butt Pirate is near, but there is no need to fear.

Cleaning the posterior waste exits, up to the colon, Butt Pirate was once welcomed by many, but that is quickly changing. What he does with the collection of feces is unknown.

He can only communicate with short bursts which sound like human flatulence.

He is known to hang out with The Poopsmith, categorized here: The Poopsmith: Who he is and what he’s doing now

With the ability to turn invisible and teleport, could he be an alien visitor? Ancient Astronaut Theorists, say yes!


Residence
While many legendary creatures have their own place of residence, Butt Pirate claims his home on the water masses of Earth. Not completely content on being out in the open all the time, however, there is record of it hiding in special areas outside of human sight.

In the book Historia de Mierda by Miranda Veracruz de la Hoya Cardinal, we learn Butt Pirate may have his own pirate get-a-way:

Between the rays of sunlight, past the swells in waters smooth and clear as polished crystal, Butt Pirate will moore his boat for times of rest and reflection. Inside a sea face cave, protected from sight, he will sip his high quality rum, often until throwing up, and relax after a long day of collecting booty from booty. He is a creature of simple pleasures.

Like other creatures of legend, it seems Butt Pirate can exist in an area inaccessible to us humans. The area does not sound like any known paradise, and as such, may even be a creation from Butt Pirate himself.


Roll in Modern Society
Unlike most forgotten or near forgotten legendary creatures, Butt Pirate has continued to this day in popular culture. Sadly, Butt Pirate has turned to a negative connotation and not something welcome as he was in the past.

Urban Dictionary has this listed as a definition for butt pirate as written by Bill B:

A ruddy queer man who likes to ram his schooner into another man’s glory hole; a sailor of anal ports.

See also: ass-rammer, jizz-junkie, cum gulper, butt-muncher, turd-burglar, peter-puffer.

Holy shit, Pete! Don’t be grabbing my arse, ya dirty butt pirate! ARGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Even though the definition of butt pirate remains similar as that of the original Butt Pirate, it has taken on a grand negative context. With the advent and availability of modern plumbing, Butt Pirate seems doomed to be forgotten as a positive, welcome force and forever branded as something vile. Time will tell if the trend will shift back to his original intent.


Summoning and Spiritual Ranking
There seems to be no sure way to summon Butt Pirate. All indication is he shows up at will to collect his bounty, and recently he is being reported at an exceedingly decreasing rate. Hopefully Butt Pirate will not turn to violent collection without having much chance to collect his bounties in the modern world.

Rank: Commoner
Sign: 1° – 6.11.4° Pisces (March 14 – April 14)
Time of Day: Any
Planet: Neptune
Metal: Bombastium
Command: 0 Legions
Tarot Card: None

Little Known Legendary Creatures #1 – Buffalo Wing Fairy

Legend of the Buffalo Wing Fairy

There are more things under Heaven…I could look up how the rest of this goes since I’m already on the Internet, but I’m too lazy to do it. Besides, I’m not here to quote Stephen Hawking, I’m here to talk about some little known legendary creatures.

Almost everyone knows about the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, The Boogey Man, and the Chanukah kawala, but how many of you out there know of the others? I’m talking about creatures such as the Cheese Goblin, or even the Buffalo Wing Fairy. How sad it is we have already begun to forget about these amazing creatures.

So, what I’m going to do is tell you about them here! First up, we’re going to learn about the Buffalo Wing Fairy!


Origin
Little is known of the origins for the Buffalo Wing Fairy. It first appeared in literature around 1968 in Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World. The book has this to say about the entity:

Buffalo Wing Fairy is a great and mighty marques. He is common among the fraternities in the Eastern seaboard area of the United States. He commeth abroad in the form of a love child between Chuck Norris and Bob Ross with multi-colored wings reminiscent of marshmallow fruit candies. Unlike the hidden fist bearded Chuck Norris and the happy painting Bob Ross, however, the creature produces deliciously fried chicken wings lightly battered and tossed in a fiery sauce which is pleasing to the palette. He understandeth all things good and bad with a fraternaty pledge and member alike, while he ruleth six legions of divils.

Still, there are suggestions he may be much older than that. Reading older texts shows a similar creature mentioned, but producing other items for consumption going back to 200BC. The book Falsum Libro Daemones, the Even Lesser Key of Solomon the King, writes about this creature and has this to say:

The one hundreth seventy first spirit is Bhainsa viṅga parī. He is summoned by placing a container of fermented wheat beneath a head resting while sleeping. In the night, he shall approach. Should you have been truly good and deserving, he shall accept your offering and in return place a plate of crispy delicacies upon your chest for consumption upon your awakening. He appears as being bathed in light, his faced adorned by a mighty beard which may or may not hide something and his head is crowned by a ball of dark brown, maybe red, hair which is both entertaining and happy. Upon his chest is a massive blue B against his off white robe, which only comes down to his mid thighs. He is in control of six legions of demons.

Were the “crispy delicacies” buffalo wings? We can’t say for sure, but it does some what match what we know now of the creature.

Originally the Buffalo Wing Fairy seemed to be only reported in America, but it is now being recorded wherever buffalo wings are being made.


Powers
The Buffalo Wing Fairy has some strange powers. Not only does the Buffalo Wing Fairy have the ability to enter into any structure in order to collect beer as an offering, it can appear in multiple locations at once. No amount of research has explained if there are many Buffalo Wing Fairies or if this is one creature existing in multiple areas at once.

The buffalo wings produced are said to be the greatest in existence. Because no one has been able to resist the urge to eat all of the wings upon waking up, there has been no research in examining what makes them so delicious. Many restaurants have opened in an attempt to produce the amazing flavors, but none have been successful, though it is worth noting the flavors they have come up with are wonderful.

All attempts to contact the Buffalo Wing Fairy have resulted in failure. Since the creature is obviously telepathic by some means, it can detect the traps set up and will refuse to collect the beer as an offering, meaning no buffalo wings. Children are also unable to contact the Buffalo Wing Fairy unless they are of legal drinking age in the area of the world in which they reside.


Residence
Like Santa Clause living in The North Pole, the Buffalo Wing Fairy has its own area of dominion. While little is known about where it resides, we do have this excerpt from Mertvoye kniga iz Eksperta, author unknown:

Flying into the homes to collect beer, but not hard liquor such as vodka, this creature is known to few. According to one account of a conversation, the creature said it comes from a land of bubbling oil and crumbs of many special breads. Dripping from the species of an unknown plant, the secretions are added to the chicken, after it is cooked, for the most amazing, and heavenly, of flavors. All the chicken used is free range, antibiotic free, and no artificial hormones are added, nor are there any extra preservatives. One must be truly good and deserving to taste the succulent treats it offers.

Could the unknown substance placed on the chicken wings from the plants be what the Greeks called ambrosia? It sure seems likely!


Role in Modern Society
With the decrease of many beliefs this day in age, the role of the Buffalo Wing Fairy seems to be one of tragic forgetfulness. Since people now prefer to simply drink all their beers rather than offer them to the creature in exchange for the wings, coupled with the ability to easily get buffalo wings, the Buffalo Wing Fairy could disappear into obscurity.

Still to this day many fraternities actively pursue the Buffalo Wing Fairy in order to bring them the delicious wings, and the trend is once again beginning to catch on with those who are hungry for wings and don’t wish to attend the travesty known as Buffalo Wild Wings. There have even been whispers of some sororities, such as Kappa Kappa Kappa and Ti Sto Diáolo participating in these practices.


Practice vs. Christianity
Christianity has a strong anti-occult practice rule. However, this has not stopped Christians from either ignoring this rule, or making an attempt to bring the secular into their religion, which is against their religion’s rules. Many Christians celebrate Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, and even allow their children to believe in the Tooth Fairy and/or Santa Clause, all of which are a pagan ritual at the core, and therefore, a huge sin against their rules.

So, why stop there? Allowing one self to offer beer to a slightly overweight man with wings who happens to wear an outfit so tiny even Peter Pan would blush seems right in line. There are even those out there who claim since this isn’t an actual worship, there is “no harm, no foul”. Believe what you wish.


Summoning and Spiritual Rankings
Summoning of the Buffalo Wing Fairy seems to require a beer which is cold in either a can or, preferably, a long neck container and placed under your pillow. At some time during the night, if you had been truly good and deserving, the Buffalo Wing Fairy will place a plate of buffalo wings on your chest so you can eat them upon waking. If the summoning isn’t true or you do not meet the requirements, the Buffalo Wing Fairy will not come, you will not have hot wings, and your beer will be ruined.

Rank: Marquis
Sign: 10° – 19.59.59° Virgo (September 14 – 22)
Time of Day: After Midnight, but before Dawn
Planet: Uranus
Metal: Bone and Skin (not really a metal, but considered)
Command: 6 Legions
Tarot Card: 2 of Jestershttp://imgur.com/TyGWjtc

The Magical Whistling Vagina

There are few actual magical things in this world: Love of a puppy, a full moon on a still summer night, and the strangling of a baby. Well, I’ve found one more thing: the whistling vagina. While it’s not mine anymore, I had the pleasure of experiencing it for a time in my life and I know I can die a happy man now.

How this all started was simple enough and hardly worth mentioning, but I will. I had just finished a nine mile round trip hike around a local mountain range when I spotted a black haired angel. She was only around five foot four inches, but she had a hard body, tight ass, and a pair of tits which betrayed her small figure. Banging lips, too, which I knew could suck a pair of balls straight out of a hard dick. Turns out, I was right about that, but let’s not focus on this.

We caught eyes as I approached, so I stopped and began some idle chat with her. She told her two annoying friends to go ahead without her, and we made plans to meet up later. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What about this magical whistling vagina?” I’m getting to that. Every story needs a good setup.

She must have called me fifteen times in two days to tell me how excited she was to meet up. Taking this as a cue, I decided to just invite her straight over to my place and have a date just like any other twenty three year old does. That is to say, put on Netflix, pretend to be interested in the movie on screen for five seconds, and then start making out for a few before banging each other until the sun comes up three days later. If you haven’t figured this is that kind of story yet, you’re dumber than even I figured you are.

The night in question comes around and she shows up in this tiny sun dress which barely covered her panties, which she actually wasn’t wearing, and was the description of “Holy shit, you fine!”. I popped some popcorn and we chatted as it finished up before flipping through Netflix to find something we were going to ignore. I don’t remember what it was, but sure enough, the make-out session started and she was aggressive in a good way.

Realizing this wasn’t going to be enough nor was the couch a good place to start the screwing, we both jumped up and ran to the bed room. All clothes came off and we got into the full swing of it. After about four strokes I realized I heard something strange, so I stopped and looked around. When I didn’t hear it again, I continued, only to realize the sound came back. She asked what was wrong and I told her, “I hear something odd…like…like a whistle that keeps changing as I’m nailing you.” She blushed and told me it was her. Well, not her, but her magical whistling vagina. I didn’t believe her and started trying different variations, which, sure enough, changed the pitch and length of each whistle.

From that moment on I was hooked! I couldn’t get enough of that magical whistling vagina. With her help, I explored all kinds of different musical tastes from Fredrick Francois Chopin to ZZ Top. From Waltz to Dubstep. Sadly, happiness can never truly last forever and she left one day for new adventures. I will always remember, and be grateful, for the time with that magical whistling vagina!

Renegade Ranger to the Rescue! (An even more best damn Power Ranger fanfiction ever written!)

Power Rangers: Super Multiverse

Due to popular demand, I am writing another Power Ranger fanfiction set in the multiverse I originally setup. Because the last one I wrote was the absolute best Power Ranger…hell, the best fanfiction of anything…ever written, I swore I wouldn’t write another. However, after all the praise and uncountable death threats I’ve received for not continuing, I feel obligated to do so.


Angel Bay Crest Grove was under constant attack by Evildron and the Rangers weren’t getting much sleep. Every time the Rangers knocked down one monster, another one almost immediately took its place. Sure Evildron had been phoning the monsters in lately, as they were extremely easy to destroy, but the sheer volume of them was now taking its toll. If the Rangers didn’t get help or rest soon, they would die from exhaustion long before the town would remain safe.

“Oh, man! I just want some sueño! A nice little siesta for fifteen minutes!” Carlos screamed as the latest monster exploded. For once, the giant explosion didn’t kill anyone, since most of this area of the city was completely abandoned thanks to both people fleeing and so many people dying during other monster attacks.

“I know what you mean,” Jen agreed, “A nice fall in bed is all I can think about…Hell, I’m not even thinking of using it for sex, just sleep!”

“Damn, you are tired!” Tommy exclaimed, yawning under his helmet.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m done. I’m out. I’m not doing this again. Let the monster attack the fucking city for a few hours. I’m going to bed!” Dustin stated and jumped out of the Megazord. The moment his feet hit the ground, he de-morphed and began running home.

“What a dipshit,” Sky stated as they all left the Megazord as well and de-morphed, “He could have just teleported home. Guess he really is tired as hell.”

“Rangers!” Zordon’s voice cracked over the speaker on their communicators. With a deep sigh, Tommy answered the call.

“No, Zordon, we don’t give a shit if there is another monster attacking the city. Most of this place is trashed and abandoned. We’re getting some sleep!” Tommy shouted. Sky gave Tommy a high-five for being so god damn cool and saying exactly what everyone else was thinking.

“Of course, Tommy,” Zordon said. He knew better than to mouth off to Tommy. Zordon continued, “You get some sleep. I just wanted to let you know I am working on getting you some help.”

“About time, Zordon!” Jen clapped happily, “If you manage to do that, I’ll let you plug into Alpha 5 and slut you up a bit!”

“That would be wonderful!” Alpha’s voice shouted in the background, “We’ll be sure to get you that help!” The communicator went silent and everyone sighed with relief. They agreed to meet back up after a few hours of rest and wouldn’t answer their communicators no matter what.

Meanwhile, with the bad guys…
Deep inside Evildron’s layer he was busy creating his newest, and most powerful, monster ever. Neither the R.A.P.E.B.O.T. nor the M.O.T.H.E.R.F.U.C.K.E.R. had anything on this monster. Given how tired the Rangers were now, they could never hope to destroy this one given how advanced it was. If the R.A.P.E.B.O.T. was a monster design the Rangers had never faced before and the M.O.T.H.E.R.F.U.C.K.E.R. was a speed they had never faced before, this was not only a combination of the two, but it also had power. Evildron learned from his failures, which is a dangerous attribute for a villain.

“Evildron?!” Sloan called out to his master.

“Damn it! What is it, Sloan?!” Evildron screamed over his shoulder, having been startled after sitting in near silence for so long. Rushing into the building room of the lair, still lit by unnecessary candles scattered around for aroma therapy, Sloan rushed up to Evildron, almost out of breath. Sloan had taken Evildron’s habit of not taking many showers, so the candles helped with his smell. Evildron didn’t need many baths, since he didn’t actually sweat, but Sloan was beginning to become rather ripe. Instead of washing, Sloan believed Febreeze and deodorant was actually enough.

“Oh, for the love of god, man, take a shower!” Evildron commented, plugging his nose.

“But…I just did…” Sloan whined, opening his shirt and sniffing at his chest.

“Then take ten more! What do you want?!” Evildron asked, pushing Sloan back.

“Um…you sent me a text message on our two way pager and said you wanted to see me…” Sloan explained, looking down at the ground.

“Of course I did!” Evildron yelled, startling Sloan, “I want you to see as the newest, fastest, and most powerful monster I’ve ever made is finished!” Sloan’s eyes lit up with excitement and he pumped his fist a few time.

“I am so pumped up! Please let me see it!” Sloan begged, rushing over to the darkened bay where they kept the creations as they were being finished. Evildron reached over to his keyboard, entered the last few commands and slowly walked over to Sloan.

“As you know, we’ve been exhausting the Rangers to the point of…well…exhaustion. I have taken cues from our past two ultimate creations and made…uh…well…the ultimate creation!” Evildron said excitedly, slapping Sloan on the back, “Do the honors and hit the lights!” Sloan let out of a school girl like squeal of excitement as he reached over and flipped the large handle into the “on” position.

As the power ran through the lines, several lights turned on with a booming noise, revealing the ultimate creation Evildron had just finished. Taller than any other monster Evildron had created, it also had a form unlike any other monster used before. Sloan’s mouth gaped open as he stared up at it.

“Pretty impressive, eh?” Evildron asked, rubbing his hands together with satisfaction.

“It’s…a…it’s…oh my god…it looks like a blow up doll!” Sloan stated, his voice cracking a few times as he said the words, his throat drying up. Sure enough, the monster stood in humanoid shape with wide eyes and a very open, almost surprised, “O” mouth complete with bright red lips. The outward appearance was female, and it even had the shape of breasts, but no nipples. There was no obvious hole where the vagina or sphincter would be, however.

“Duh!” Evildron spat, “This is the best form for fighting another humanoid with the weapon I’ve equipped it with!” Evildron continued to smile up at his creation while Sloan remained speechless for a few moments.

“What do you call this one, then?” Sloan cautiously asked.

“Keep up now, Sloan. This is the Battalion Leveling, Optimized Weapon, Juggernaut: Oversied Bot! The B, L, O, W…J….O…..B,” Evildron stated, saying the last three letters slower than the previous. Evildron’s hands were slowly rubbing up his waist to his chest.

“Bl…blow job?!” Sloan hoarsely exclaimed, feeling so weak in his knees he actually had to squat down.

“Blow job,” Evildron said in a very slow, satisfied tone as he twisted his nipples. Sloan fell back on his own ass at this point, not exactly sure what to do. He couldn’t speak and his mind was going a mile a minute. Still rubbing his nipples, Evildron looked down at Sloan and raised his eyebrows rapidly a few times while smiling that epic eagle smile.

“This bad bitch has such a powerful weapon, one hit to that Megazord will destroy it!” Evildron said and pointed up at his creation, “Right there in the mouth is where I have it. Unlike the R.A.P.E.B.O.T. there are no ball to give a vasectomy to. Also, the M.O.T.H.E.R.F.U.C.K.E.R. had a problem in its logistics programming. I’ve corrected both issues with this design!” Sloan remained silent, his eyes huge and his mouth trying to form words, but not finding them. With a sigh, Evildron, pulled Sloan to his feet.

“Give the monster some attention, will you? I’m sure it’s feeling neglected,” Evildron instructed Sloan, “Pay special attention to the whole breast. I left the nipples out on purpose!”

Inside the Ranger’s Command Center
“Aye, yi, yi, yiiiiii!” Alpha whined out to Zordon.

“Relax, Alpha 5! I’m sure he got our message,” Zordon told Alpha, who was doing his stupid little robot panic dance.

“I sure hope so, Zordon. The Rangers are too exhausted to keep fighting today!” Alpha cried like a little bitch just as a notification beep began to sound out.

“You got our message!” Zordon said excitedly as Alpha answered the call.

“Yeah, I’m here Zordon. I would have messaged sooner, but I was in the middle of a fine ass bitch,” a voice rang out over the speakers, “So I take it your Rangers are too big of pussies to be able to handle this without my help?”

“Sadly, yes,” Zordon reluctantly admitted, “Without your help, I’m afraid Evildron will kill my Rangers, destroy what’s left of the city, and then soon take over the rest of the world!”

“That’s your worry!” the voice replied laughing, “Even if your Rangers were destroyed, I’d still be able to take Evildron out myself. The only reason I don’t do it right now is because it cuts into my bitches time.”

“Fair enough,” Zordon agreed, “Even still, would you please help us? If my Rangers are destroyed you’ll be taking care of it yourself and that will really cut into your bitches time.” There was a few moments of silence as Zordon’s words sank in. Zordon was speaking the truth, too. The Rangers were the only ones keeping Evildron at bay for now. As crazy and evil as Evildron was, he had O.C.D. and couldn’t multitask very well so he kept focusing almost his entire effort on Angel Bay Crest Grove.

“You would put it like that, wouldn’t you? Damn disembodied head…” the voice said, “Okay, expect me there in about five minutes.”

“Aye, yi, yi, yiiiiii! This is great news, Zordon!” Alpha said happily as he did his happy robot dance.

“Yes, Alpha 5, this will help us considerably to have a green ranger. Now, please focus in on the Rangers with the viewing globe so I can potentially perv on them,” Zordon instructed. Alpha did as he was told, tuning the viewing globe into the Rangers, who were all hanging out at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice Bar.

“At least there have been no monster attacks on the city. A nice seventeen hour sleep is what I needed,” Sky stated, double fisting whiskey sour.

“Yeah, you know I actually ran six miles home forgetting I could teleport?” Dustin asked, daintily sipping on a clear diet cola, “That’s how tired I actually was!” Reaching over, Tommy punched Dustin right in his face, forcing him to spill his drink.

“That’s what you get for being such a little bitch, bitch!” Tommy shouted as Dustin pulled himself back in his chair. Dustin gave Tommy a high-five for putting him in his place because he knew Tommy was right…and so damn cool.

“All I know is I’ve never spent so long in bed without someone else in there with me,” Jen said, finishing off her sixth glass of wine, “I mean, I went three hours before getting myself filled!” Sky didn’t know how to respond. Instead, he just stared at her wide eyed and his mouth open slightly before slowly putting another drink to his lips.

“I was all wrapped up in the sheets like a bean burrito. It was bueño,” Carlos stated with pride, tipping back a full bottle of tequila, “After I got down with Jen, anyway.” Sky was so surprise with the sudden confession from Carlos he actually shot whiskey sour out of his nose, causing him to groan in pain.

“Something wrong, Sky?” Tommy asked, confused since he was sure they had all tapped Jen at one point or another.

“No…not at all!” Sky stammered and then ran to the bar to get another drink. Suddenly a presence so heavy and noticeable washed over them, causing them to look toward the door. The happily yelling of women and a bad ass rock song began to fill the room as the presence got closer.

“Holy…fucking…shit… No…way…” Tommy said quietly. The voices and music got louder until finally the cause of it all entered into the room.

“Oh my god!” Dustin screamed. Jen sat transfixed at the sight before her. She was completely mesmorized and couldn’t take her eyes off the new guy. He was wearing wrap around black sun glasses, tight black jeans, a dark green shirt with a black leather jacket on top of it with a single dark green stripe running down the left side with a dark green “#1” on the right side, and his dark brown hair was slicked back in the coolest way possible. As he stood there, women were desperately trying to cling tighter to him, but his face just said, “These bitches want me, no shit, and I still don’t give a fuck.”

“Who’s he?!” Jen asked, rubbing herself under the table.

“The only person cooler than Tommy…Ziggy Grover!” Sky said getting back to the group and collapsed into his chair, “This is who Zordon got to help us?! He’s practically a Ranger GOD!” Tommy turned back to the table and slammed his fists down on the table as hard as he could, cracking it the entire length.

“Damn it!” Tommy muttered under his breath. Ziggy looked around, threw his arms out to the side and every woman and the music went quiet. Seeing the other Rangers, he pointed to the ground indicated for the women following him to remain where they were and began to groove over to the Rangers’ table.

“So you’re Zordon’s Rangers, huh? No wonder he needs my help,” Ziggy stated, snapping the sunglasses off his face, closing them and storing them inside his leather jacket. Jen jumped up from her chair and fell to his legs. She began rubbing his legs up and down while looking up at him like a begging puppy.

“Hi! I’m Jen!!!” she exclaimed, nuzzling his legs with her cheek.

“Of course you are,” Ziggy said, not trying to remove her. Jen just giggled and began kissing from his calf to his outer thigh repeatedly.

“Yeah, and you must be Doctor K’s Ranger,” Tommy replied snarkily without even turning around.

“Actually, I renamed her Doctor C, as in Doctor Can’t Take Anymore of this Dick Because I Wore The Bitch Out,” Ziggy explained, “So, you must be Tommy. The legend himself…disappointing.” Tommy flipped the table out of anger over how much cooler Ziggy was than himself. Folding his arms, Tommy began to sulk and shut his mouth.

“It’s an honor, amigo!” Carlos said, giving Ziggy a high-five while looking at Tommy in shame wondering how he ever found Tommy cool to begin with.

“It’s going to be nice having some help!’ Dustin said. Ziggy glared over at Dustin before kicking him in the chest, knocking him over two tables.

“Let’s get something straight, maggots: I am not here to help. I am the solution to your problem and then I’m gone. Don’t get in my fucking way and I won’t have to unblock you like a hair clog in a sink. Got it?” Ziggy asked. Jen giggled again and began to massage on Ziggy’s ass with joy. Sky said nothing and simply nodded.

“Understood…” Tommy whispered. Suddenly their communicators sprang to life as Zordon’s voice erupted through in a panic.

“Rangers! We have a serious problem! Evildron’s greatest creation to date is attacking! We need you!” Zordon exclaimed in more of a fit than they had ever heard.

“Don’t worry about it, Zordon,” Ziggy replied, “I’m here and I’ll stop this problem in about ten seconds.” Jen reached up and began to work Ziggy’s penis in his pants, but Ziggy stopped her. “You get to touch it when I allow you to,” Ziggy informed Jen as he forcefully pulled her off him. Reaching toward the sky and snapping his fingers, a bad ass beat began to play as Ziggy stepped back, causing the women to start screaming excitedly once again.

“Let’s do this shit!” Ziggy shouted and performed his morphing choreography, “Get in mother fucking gear!” In a green flash, complete with a massive explosion behind him, which unfortunately killed fifteen, maybe twenty, of the women who had been following him, Ziggy was now morphed into the most powerful Ranger of this universe. Giving the rest of the Rangers the middle finger, Ziggy teleported away to the fight.

“Fuck…he is cool,” Tommy said with a sigh as he faced palmed in shame.

At the area of attack…
“Wow, it is getting really hard to find somewhere to destroy and while killing people around here anymore…” Evildron said to himself, riding on the shoulder of the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. through the old downtown, “Maybe I should have held back a little…”

“Evildron! Evildron!” Sloan’s voice crackled over the dollar store two-way radio they stole in order to contact each other, “A Ranger is headed your way! Maybe you should get off the…the…”

“It’s the B.L.O.W.J.O.B, Sloan. Say it right or don’t say it at all!” Evildron firmly told Sloan, “Who cares if it’s just one Ranger, anyway?” Evildron cracked his knuckles and looked around at the mostly destroyed city. A small bit of sadness came over him, not for the loss of life or destruction in of itself, but the fact he wouldn’t have much to take over if he kept destroying everything. He made a note to himself to stop powering his creations with a highly explosive compound which also turned into a potentially fatal miasma.

“But…but…but…” Sloan stammered. It was too late, however, as Evildron saw exactly who was heading his way. Shrieking like a frightened eagle, Evildron jumped off and teleported to safety. Ziggy was inside the most epic, amazing, and just plain cool looking single Megazord anyone has ever seen, known as the Ultimate Battlezord, and he was hauling ass faster than any of the other Rangers could ever hope for.

“What the fuck?!” Ziggy shouted to himself as he got closer to Evildron’s creation, “Is that what I think it is?!” Leaning back, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. began to charge the weapon, but Ziggy saw it coming and dodged to the side just as the laser blasted past him. The exact moment the laser was coming to a finish, Ziggy jumped into the air and slammed a kick directly into the breast area of the creature, forcing it to stagger backwards, rubbing its chest.

“Titty fucker!” Evildron screamed, grabbing Sloan by the back of the neck and pointing to the fight, “Did you see that?! That is just rude!” Sloan just whined and groaned as he was forced to watch in the tight grip of Evildron’s hand.

“We’re here to help!” Ziggy heard Dustin’s voice ring out over his speakers.

“Don’t worry, we’ll keep it busy while you destroy it!” Tommy said as their Megazord rushed up to the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. and kneed it right in the face with a sick ass jumping knee strike. You know, like the one you can do in Double Dragon: Advanced on the Gameboy Advanced. That game was fucking awesome! Yeah, that type of flying knee attack. This caused the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. to fall to the ground backwards.

“Yeah, bitch! Who’s fucking who, now?!” Sky screamed. The Megazord then began to teabag the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. rapidly while Carlos sang, “Dip, dip, potato chip!”

“Get off of it!” Ziggy screamed as he saw the creature begin to charge up its weapon. The Megazord sat directly on the creature’s face looking toward Ziggy’s Ultimate Battlezord.

“Why? We’ve got our finger on the pussy trigger in this fight!” Jen giggled over the headset.

“What’s that sound?” Carlos asked, looking down at the floor. Before anyone could answer, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. let loose its weapon and forced the Megazord up into the air, legs spread, as if it were riding a long, red, never ending dildo into the air.

“You dumb, bitch! The only trigger you understand is the one on your vibrator!” Ziggy shouted to the other Rangers as he heard them screaming as they flew higher and higher into the air. When the laser came to an end, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. spread its legs wide, propped itself, and stood up in a battle stance. In a streak (do you see what I did there?), the creature was upon the Ultimate Battlezord and kicked it across town and over a mountain.

“Look, Sloan, look!” Evildron shouted happily, jerking Sloan around by the neck haphazardly, “Not even the Ranger god, Ziggy, is standing a chance! This is the ultimate creation!” Sloan was desperately trying to get Evildron to let go of him, but was having no luck doing so.

“Mother…fucker…” Ziggy said to himself as he stood his zord back up, “No more dicking around. I have bitches to get back to. Ultimate God Slayer!” With both hands out to the side, a powerful energy began to swirl around the hands of Ziggy’s Ultimate Battlezord. Thinking it saw a chance, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. rushed toward its enemy at break neck speed while charging up another shot.

“Imma firin’ mah lazor!” the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. screamed and let loose the blast. A blinding flash which could rival that of being at the center of a star exploding spread for hundreds of miles around. Thinking Ziggy was destroyed, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. let down its guard and stood straight up with pride. As the blinding light faded and the dust dissipated, the Ultimate Battlezord was still standing, both hands out in front of itself, now holding two of the most awesome looking swords ever, glowing in a powerful green energy.

“Suck on this one,” Ziggy said calmly. Before it could even react, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. was cut one thousand times in less than a second, causing it to explode while screaming in pain. Lucky for the Megazord, which was now falling to the ground at an unstoppable speed, the force of the explosion was so great, it created enough cushion of compacted air to slow it down and not be destroyed. The Ultimate Battlezord just stood in an even more badass “I don’t give a fuck!” stance than the Megazord ever could as this all happened.

“NO!” Evildron screamed, throwing Sloan to the ground, “NO! What the fuck?! I need a vacation!” Sloan looked up at Evildron and grabbed hold of his leg fast enough to be teleported away with him. Slowly the Megazord stood and the Ultimate Battlezord powered down.

“That…was…awesome!” Dustin screamed and clapped his hands together.

“Yeah…he’s fucking cool…cooler than me…” Tommy admitted out loud.

&nbp;
Evildron was pacing around and throwing whatever he could get his hands on against the wall in his lair.

“Damn it! Another creature destroyed!” Evildron screamed, kicking a door off the hinges, “You know what? I’m going on vacation!”

“Does that mean..?” Sloan asked.

“If you think it means you get time off, then you’re wrong!” Evildron said, calming down a bit and falling into his recliner, “You’re going to stay here and build me another creature. Let’s see what you can do.”

“Oh…okay…I guess I can do that…” Sloan said, sitting across from Evildron and turning on the TV.

“I’m thinking something along the lines of a Fully Upgraded, Controlled Kinetic, Digitally Operated Lethal Lackey,” Evildron said, folding his arms over his chest and focusing on the TV, now reporting his latest failure.

“F…u… Fuck doll?” Sloan asked, looking out of the corner of his eye toward Evildron.

“Fuck doll!” Evildron said happily while clapping and pointing with both hands at Sloan.


There you go! That’s even more of a best damn Power Ranger fanfiction than Evildron’s Master Plan is!

With how great this is, please stop threatening to kill me if I don’t write anymore. This has got to tie you over for at least another ten years it’s so good!