Cars by Pixar is Stupid

Pixar has done well for themselves. Good for them. However, some of their movies just don’t make sense. I’m not talking about how the entire “play dead” mechanic in Toy Story could never work, or how I find it extremely unbelievable no one in the entire Monsters Inc universe didn’t realize laughing could provide so much power from 1313 until 2001. Even though there are quite a few worlds they have built which are just flat out broken, the one I’m going to focus on right now is Cars. I’m not going to recap the entire movie, but I will bring a few things up.

This movie…good lord. The premise itself just doesn’t work. Nothing about the world they made seems to make much sense. The catalyst of everything, Lightening McQueen (drawn above), gets separated from his vehicle hauler…okay, whoa, let me back up a bit because I literally just realized how dumb this is from right here because this ties into what I was going to bring up.

So, we have world populated by only vehicles. In this movie, it’s all motor vehicles, such as trucks, sedans, mini-vans, low-riders (racist stereotype being portrayed as Mexicans), and things like that. There is nothing in the world which explains how each vehicle ends up being the type of vehicle it is nor why. Are tow-trucks just born to be tow-trucks? Are mini-vans born to just be mini-vans? Are plows just born to be plows? Does what one of these things decide to do dictate what they look like…like Transformers??? Well, the answer is “Fuck you. Watch the movie and don’t ask questions.”

Lightening McQueen is a race car. He just is. He’s pretty much one of the best, but is getting cocky. There’s even a very strange and disturbing sexual skit early on in which two identical cars shine their headlamps at him. Yes, that’s right, two female cars literally flash our “hero”. He even reacts like he just saw boobies, too, and they giggle like teenagers, as it’s hinted that they are very young, and pretend to be embarrassed for all of a second.

The face says it allAnyway, our “hero” is preparing to get to his next race and drives into the rear end of his big-rig trailer. Remember, this is a world populated by nothing more than vehicles, so this is like Michael Phelps climbing into a backpack to be carried to his next swimming match by one of his assistants. I know this may seem like I’m stretching things a bit and reaching, but think about it…this isn’t the same as someone driving you. You don’t climb into or onto a person and have them move you to where you’re going under their own power. It’s exactly like pulling a small kid in a wagon or carrying an infant in a baby carrier that’s made of your own body parts or the body parts of other humans. Disturbing, right? I thought so, too.

This brings me back to where I was originally going to start. The movie pretty much kicks off once Lightening McQueen gets separated from the rig he was being transported in. He tries to catch up by driving extremely fast down the road, which gets the attention of a police car who chases him down to arrest him for speeding. I have a huge problem with this. Why is the police officer chasing him? Driving too fast? He’s a car…not a driver. This entire world is populated by vehicles, not people, and the vehicle is controlling itself. Just like the absurdity of crawling inside another being to get transported to someplace else (like a parasite, bacteria, or virus…), this is literally like the police chasing down Usain Bolt for being out on a run, or arresting people while jogging for exercise. Say what you will about the nature of police in America, but I’m just not seeing why this is even a thing in the universe of Cars.

Can you imagine being out on a morning 10K run for training and the next thing you know you’re getting your ass handed to you by the local police because you were moving too fast? That’s pretty much exactly what happens to our “hero” here. What fresh 1984 hell does Cars take place in?! It’s almost like Animal Farm, but stupid.

You're supposed to find this sexually appealing... Now let’s throw in my other problem with the movie, which is something I have an issue with in pretty much all movies, especially children’s movies: Romance Sub-Plot. Why, oh, god, why, is there a romance sub-plot? It’s a movie about sentient, sapient motor vehicles focused on a racer who is too cocky for his own good. Do we really need a sexualized vehicle for our “hero” to fawn all over? Does the target audience have the maturity range and experience to appreciate this nuance of the story? I’m pretty sure most of the target demographics still think boys/girls are gross and don’t even have the understanding their parents are a boy and a girl…they’re just “Mom” and “Dad” still.

Just like most other stories and movies with absolutely nothing else to motivate the main character or make anyone remotely likable, the entire point of this romantic sub-plot is to be motivation for the main character, Lightening McQueen and provide something for a female lead to do: Be pretty to drive the plot forward. After all, everyone knows a woman in these stories can’t be separate or provide a means forward in the story by herself, unless she’s the single focus character in her own story, and even then, she has to be so overwhelmed by the fact she’s even just living that we’re happy to see her reach mediocrity by anyone’s standards. Likewise, the main character in these types of stories simply cannot have the motivation for doing what he desires without doing it to provide a nice big ego boost and status symbol for the woman.

Wait…what? The movies Blade and Terminator 2 showed you don’t have to put this type of dynamic into a movie with strong female characters and one of them is the main focus character in the movie? Well, fuck my ass sideways on a Sunday while calling me Victoria! You’re right! It can be done!

Screw this movie and the world they built. The entire thing makes no sense and the only thing worse is Planes. Yes. That’s real.

The Little Mermaid: Why it sucks in retrospect

Let me start off by saying that I neither love nor hate Disney in anyway. I think Disney is just fine. Hell, I spent four days and three nights at Disney Land at the beginning of 2018 and loved every single moment of it. What I have a problem with is how Disney rips off the public domain, devours it, shits out a low effort version of a superior item, and then gives nothing in return to the public.

Oh, and yes, I drew, using a mouse in Flash 8 Pro, all images in this entry. Click on them to see them in their original size and transparent glory. You’re welcome.

Disney’s version of The Little Mermaid is no different. The original story is a cautionary tale of envy and greed coupled with the consequences of being so impulsive. Hell, there’s even a little tease to children who read the story at the end of the original story saying if they’re bad, then that little mermaid will get another year added on to her 300 year sentence, unable to get a soul and go to heaven. Oh, you didn’t know that? Well, go read the real story and ignore Disney’s craptastic version.

Originally, I kind of really liked this version of Little Mermaid. It has the three best songs ever to come out of Disney. The animation is colorful and fun. It has Sebastian and Ursula. Then I realized the only good thing about this movie is the fact is had the three best songs to ever come out of Disney and it has Sebastian and Ursula. Oh, and the movie poster has a penis in it. That’s…that’s awesome.

Starting off in the film we meet Ariel and her useless sidekick named Flounder…because he’s a fucking flounder… Great use of your imagination there, Disney…I bet that took at least five, or maybe six, Imagineers to dream that one up. We’re treated to a shark attack by the shark actor who eventually went on to win his Academy Award and Oscar winning role as Brucie in Finding Nemo. Unfortunately, Ariel nor Flounder gets eaten and saves us from the rest of the movie.

Huh? I skipped over the part of Ariel’s sisters being introduced? Well, guess what? After that opening scene, until the finale, so does Disney. Yup, they complete skip over the entire part of the little mermaid having other sisters who get her interested in the human world to begin with. What about her grandmother? Well, Disney tosses her out completely, so there is no grandmother. Who needs an extremely important character when you have Flounder, right?

We eventually meet Sebastian, the second best character of the movie. Originally supposed to be an English butler style character and was later changed to Jamaican. Best…decision…ever…this helps us get the most fun song ever to come out of Disney (which is one of the three best Disney songs ever). This delicious looking character is awesome and what he is put through is bullshit. Sebastian gets put in charge by King Triton, Ariel’s father, to keep an eye on Ariel and report back if she’s going too crazy over the human world.

This guy is a music composer and a conductor. I can’t imagine a worse task for someone who has so little to do with anyone’s life to get involved with this. It’s like Emperor Joseph I tasking Johann Sebastian Bach to be a private investigator! Why in the world would anyone think this is a good idea? Sure, he’s small and can get around easily, but there are plenty of other fish out there better suited, I’m sure!

To keep Ariel more interested in the world she lives in, Sebastian performs the most fun Disney song ever! Yes, I’m talking about Under the Sea. By far, this is the most fun song Disney has ever presented to us. Yes, I keep saying it’s the most fun song and I’m going to keep saying it. Under the Sea is so freaking awesome I can’t stand it. Matter of fact…I’m going to listen to it now.

Okay. I’m back. Trust me when I say I listened to it six times: Two times dancing, one time sitting, and three times dancing naked while smoking crack.

Do you think Ariel cares about the awesome song or the warnings of her father? Nope. She’s a spoiled shit of a child and couldn’t care less. King Triton is more interested in sitting around all day with that stupid look on his face until someone brings him bad news and he smites them with the fury of God himself. I’m not kidding…this son of a bitch loses his temper at the drop of his hat. He goes through more mood swings than a juiced up gorilla going through menopause.

When Sebastian brings him bad news, he goes from smiling and laughing, to almost killing the poor, awesome crab! This guy really needs some therapy. Or at least switching to decaff for a time being. For sure needs to lay off the meth…or maybe needs to bump again. I don’t know. I just know he’s kind of an asshole, even though he’s right through the entire movie.

Back with Ariel in her little hidden sea cave, we see her going over all the cool things she has. Now, earlier we see her in this place and get the most beautifully sung Disney song ever. I’m talking about Part of Your World. This is not one of the best Disney songs ever, it’s just the most beautifully sung. What do I mean? Well, the song is spot on with the vocals and is performed perfectly. What keeps it from being one of the best songs ever is the content.

You’re probably wondering what the problem is with a song about longing for something unreachable is. Well, the fact of the matter is the song says specifically what is wrong with it and shows a lot of the selfish, spiteful, greedy, envious wretch that Ariel is. Behold:

Look at this stuff
Isn’t it neat?
Wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete?
Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl
The girl who has everything?

Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she’s got everything

I’ve got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I’ve got whozits and whatzits galore
You want things of above?
I’ve got twenty!

But who cares?
No big deal
I want more


Emphasis mine.

This selfish piece of beach wash admits she has so much. She talks about how she’s got everything, and yet, despite all of that, she wants even more. She has it all, but that’s not good enough, oh no, not for Ariel! This is NOT the role model you want for your children, especially your daughters. While the song may be sung beautifully, it’s disgusting with the message.

You know what? Now I’m angry. I’ll be right back.

Okay, I’m back. I had to go light a kitten on fire.

Eventually King Triton shows up and sees Ariel basically dry humping…or would it be wet humping since they’re underwater(???)…the statue of the prince she rescued earlier in the movie. She has obsessed about him non-stop, knowing nothing of him. In the original story, a lot of time passes as the little mermaid learns more and more about him by…well…stalking him and hanging outside his bedroom window. Again, not a great role model for anyone.

After Ariel screams that she loves someone she rescued like…two days ago maximum in this version…King Triton becomes even more enraged and blows up the statue. While King Triton may be a tyrannical ass with the anger lit by a half inch fuse on old dynamite, he has a point. She has no business acting the way she does and most certainly does not LOVE him. She’s in love with an ideal and fantasy. Yeah, he over reacted by blowing up all her things, but honestly it was the only way to get her to move on and knock it the fuck off.

Things don’t go that way, of course, because this is a Disney movie and not only are parents always terrible people whom you don’t listen to, but also because we need to introduce the greatest character in Disney history, never to this day to be surpassed.

Of course I’m talking about Ursula, the sea witch! Based on a drag queen named Divine, who’s real name was Harris Glenn Milstead, Ursula steals the entire show. From her look, to her uncomfortably sexual movements, she’s just the god damn best thing Disney has ever designed. I cannot go on about how awesome Ursula is. Besides those three best songs ever from Disney, she is the reason to watch this movie.

What’s better than the best character ever designed by Disney? How about the best character ever designed by Disney singing the most BAD ASS song by Disney! Poor Unfortunate Souls is so amazing that I suggest using it to pump up for a fight. The pacing, the nudging, the vocals…oh my god, this is by far the best song from Disney hands down and the best out of the three. If Part of Your World shows Ariel’s character traits…this song tells you everything you need to know about Ursula. She hides nothing. She pretends to be nothing more than she is. The entire song is filled as a warning and all the reasons Ariel needs to go away. It’s also bouncy as shit. Just…go listen to it. Twenty or thirty times is necessary.

Again, does Ariel listen? Fuck no. She ignores all the warnings from everyone, including Ursula who kept basically telling her to think about it hard. Ariel even looks away from the contract when signing it. It’s a perfect allegory to her personality. I’m not going into detail since I’ve already done it so much. Just think about that for a moment.

She’s turned into human, gets rushed to the surface by Sebastian, who should have told King Triton right away instead of shucking that duty this once, and Flounder, and is “rescued” by Prince Eric. Up to this point there’s no point in talking about him or his name, so…there…his name is Eric.

Since Ariel has no voice, she’s forced to get the prince to fall in love with her through other means. Now, normally this would take months to years, but this is a Disney film and she only has three days per the contract. Originally there was no time limit aside from the prince marrying someone else…but then again, the original also had her wanting an immortal soul, so I guess they had to change things up a bit.

They go on adventures, play dress up, and just kind of hang out. This all leads us to the third and final best song from Disney ever: Kiss the Girl. Once again, one of the best characters from Disney ever delivers this. Sebastian sees his chance when the couple are out rowing about in a swamp area, which later is the scene of Princess and the Frog. I can’t prove that. It’s not even true. But you thought about it for a second. Admit it.

Kiss the Girl is calypso as all hell and is my second favorite song out of this. The scenery while the song is played matches the pacing and mood perfectly. Sebastian proves what a bad ass composer he is once again. Granted, it brings up the question if humans, or Eric for that matter, can understand what the wildlife are saying. Also, Ursula said it isn’t any kiss, but a kiss of true love, so it’s debatable if this would have worked if Floatsom and Jetsum, Ursula’s “babies”, interfered or not. I also love how pensive Eric is during this entire thing. He’s trying to be a gentleman and Ariel is the one pursuing him like a rabid dog. Them eyes on Ariel, though. Dayum.

Fast forward through unimportant crap and Ursula realizes her plan to take the throne back from her brother, King Triton…oh, what’s that? You didn’t know that was Ariel’s aunt? Yup. I guess family sucks is another lesson. Anyway, she realizes her plan to get back at him and take the throne by way of Ariel might fail, so she decides to use Ariel’s voice to make the prince love her instead, effectively screwing Ariel over.

Plan works until the sea shell containing Ariel’s voice is broken and Ariel is turned into a polyp. Yep, I know what they are because of Google. King Triton decides his daughter is better than his kingdom and signs the contract for Ariel, effectively making him pay the price for his terrible daughter. Why the change of heart from King Triton? I don’t know…Disney.

Eventually Ursula is killed by Eric in one of the most awesome ways possible: A stern through the chest. Uh huh, that’s right, Disney had their prince ram a ship into the heart of their villain, killer her off in what must have been an eternity of agony to Ursula. Pretty cool.

In the end Ariel gets everything she wanted. No one learns a lesson. No one has to pay for anyone’s mistake except for Ursula, who kept her end of the deal constantly. She was honest about who she was. She was honest about the deal. Sure she had another reason to do it, but Ariel knew the conditions of the contract and still signed away her life, literally.

I liked The Little Mermaid better when she died at the end, never gaining her immortal soul nor getting the guy. She had to learn a hard lesson and it’s a lesson people need to keep in mind. There are consequences for such impulsive and selfish behavior. That, my friends, is why this movie sucks overall.

Why “You’re Next” couldn’t happen to my family (s)

There’s always one thing with horror movies I always keep asking myself: “Why doesn’t at least one of them have a gun???” I’m not talking about the killers, I’m talking about the victims. For me, it’s a complete oddity at least one person in a group doesn’t have a gun either with them or quick access. It just doesn’t make sense. Someone aught to have a gun. Then I remember the movies were made by liberal idiots who think people don’t have a right to effective self defense. I mean, every character does what the anti-gun people say to do, and they all die at the hands of a guy with a fucking axe or crossbow. Yeah…fuck you morons. Moving on.

So I was flipping through the craptastic list Netflix currently has and I noticed “You’re Next”. I didn’t know anything about this movie going in except what I read on the synopsis…and we all know how useful and accurate Netflix makes those… I like a good horror movie, but this isn’t one of them. I’m not going to give a huge review here, don’t worry.

Basically, a family is having a get together, three guys start killing them, and they all die. During the entire thing, not one person has a gun. Oh, sure, they use meat tenderizers (I’m not kidding you) and a few kitchen knives to defend themselves, but everyone except for some chick who grew up in a “survivalist camp” (Why didn’t she have a gun???) dies.

I can’t speak for most families, but mine actually likes each other. Well, minus my wife’s side of the family who all but threw her out for marrying me and they don’t talk to us nor anyone in my family (No in-laws FTW!!!!). Even with my parents divorced and remarried, both sides of the family regularly get together and have fun. While you may think that’s odd, I find it odd other families get together just to fight during the holidays, resulting in more hatred toward each other.

Another thing about my family is just about everyone is armed. I’m armed, my uncles are armed, many of my aunts are armed, my cousins are armed, my wife is armed, my father is armed… The nieces and nephews are too young to carry themselves, that’s why they aren’t. There’s no way you could pull off the bullshit I saw in this, and many other, movie with us. One wrong move against us and the result Swiss human cheese. Here’s just a small example of what my family get togethers would look like if someone came in while we were dining together:

This is not an exaggeration, either. Now that many of us are in Colorado, even some of my British relatives will open carry when they get here. Hell, I even got married while my wife and I were wearing our guns. Her gun is up on her leg. Sexy, sexy. So even at our wedding, if someone decided to be a tard, they would have ended up having a very terrible day. Wouldn’t you want that for someone trying to hurt you and/or your family? For them to have the understated bad day of their life?

We aren’t gun nuts or even gun enthusiasts. If the amount of firearms I have makes me a gun nut, then you’re a towel nut and are obsessed with towels. I can promise anyone reading this has more towels in their house than I do firearms in mine. We enjoy shooting, we enjoy hunting, and we like the equalizing power it provides to everyone who wouldn’t be able to defend themselves otherwise. Sure it may be a tool, but it’s a bad ass and fun tool. If I’m a gun enthusiast, then you’re a couch enthusiast. You probably know more about your couch than I do about different guns between brands.

So, no, “You’re Next” couldn’t happen to me and my family. The first sign of some dumbass coming through a window would have resulted in them turning into ground hamburger. Or ground turkey for you low fat people. The movie isn’t bad, it’s just not the realistic horrorfest they billed it to be.

Reboots that are remakes aren’t wanted!

Reboots…some are good, most suck ass.  I don’t want to learn the origin of Batman or Spiderman every five years.  We get one film a year for four years with the new actors and storyline, then we’re suddenly sucker punched with a reboot of the series…I guess because you’re all too ADHD and must have the “newest and greatest”.

Then there are the reboots that are remakes.  What do I mean?  I mean things like the terrible Mortal Kombat: Legacy.  If you haven’t seen this steaming pile, I salute you.  I wouldn’t recommend looking this up, even for Jeri Ryan, made popular among Sci-Fi geeks having starred on Star Trek Voyager as Seven of Nine.  With all the information and source material available for something such as Mortal Kombat, how do you screw that up?  Well, some people on the Internet have found a way in the form of said web-series.

Now, there are other examples of completely screwing over something that was great to begin with in order to revamp it (Spiderman reboot looks god awful and Alice in Wonderland was disgusting), but let’s stick with just the subject matter here.  What goes through the writer’s minds when they are making these things?  I would call them the worst kind of fan fiction, but I’ve had the horrible, nightmare inducing chance to read some of the fan fiction out there.  Oh, and if you’re the one writing them…those feelings are NOT natural!

I blame a lot of you out there, too.  When these terrible reboots and re-imaginings are released, you eat it up like flies on dog shit.  Why are you idiots praising the MK: Legacy web series? It’s like taking War and Peace and making it just Peace or making it a romance comedy.

Now, case in point…Harry Potter.  There is a ton of information available for the mythos.  Everything from books, to interviews, and past movies.  One could argue the movies aren’t all that great, but then again, neither were the books.  Maybe that’s just me…but I doubt that.  Imagine how we could re-imagine this length of story using the creative license to make it even more epic!

Hogwarts is now a bio-mechanical corporation which is creating bio-engineered humans.  These humans, known as W.I.Z.A.R.D.S. (Weaponized Intelligant Zetetic Abditive Radiated Drone Students) are created in the Quidditch Pitch and can use special powers which resembles magic.  Failed experiments are called Squibs and are used for positions such as mail room clerks and janitorial duties.  The CEO of the company is known only as Dumbledore and has sat as head of the company for as long as anyone can remember.

Harry Potter wakes up on an express tram one day, groggy and a little disoriented.  The youth looks around him, but sees very little in way of other passengers.  The rhythmic clanking of the tracks can be heard and Harry stands to stretch.  It is then he sees a young girl not far from him, watching him from the corner of his eye.  Next to her is another young man, near his same age.  The pair seem to know each other.

The three end up talking and Harry comments that the train seems to be going on forever.  The boy looks nervous, as does the girl, but an announcement for the end of the line rings out and they are forced to depart.  As they exit the tram and Harry asks the girl and boy their names; The girl says she is called Hermione and the boy says his name is Ron.  Just as Harry is asking where they’re going, they are attacked by strange robots.  Harry is, at first, scared, and just runs, while Hermione and Ron try their best to fight them off.  While Harry is cornered, a power erupts from his hand in glowing green and the robot reels backward, melting as if it were drenched in acid.  Hermione and Ron eventually fend off their attackers and rush to Harry, who is shocked at what happened.

Over the course of the movie, we find out that Harry is actually a W.I.Z.A.R.D. in his testing phase.  He is the first pure blooded W.I.Z.A.R.D. to be produced.  Hermione and Ron are known as “Mudbloods”, which are M.U.G.G.L.E.s (Multi-unit Gamma Gallimaufry Living Entity), who are regular humans, mixed with the W.I.Z.A.R.D. process.  They are not nearly as strong as Harry, but they are there to watch over him.  They are part of the Gryffindor project which is one of four.

The robots and assassins were sent out by a being known as Voldemort.  Voldemort was passed off for the promotion for CEO and wants revenge on Dumbledore, as well as the stock investors.  With Voldemort trying to kill Harry, they all set out to destroy him and his minions.  Near the end, we find out Hermione and Ron were actually working for Voldemort, but grew an emotional attachment to Harry, and so they protect Harry no matter what.  They are considered failed experiments and are marked for death as well.

In the end they are triumphant, and we even learn that Harry Potter is basically a clone of Voldemort, seeing as much of Voldemort’s biological make up was used to create Harry in the first place.

How fucking epic is all that?  I know, right?!  Yeah, no.  Stop making these shitty re-imagining movies and series, people.  Do you know what the most ironic part of all this is?  Even though it’s called a re-imagining, there was no imagination involved here.  The hardest part for me was learning the names and locations of the Harry Potter mythos since I had to look it all up.

Stop this crap, people.  I mean it.

Posted 4/28/2011 at 1:47 PM on Xanga

Game Ranger 4 Interview (s) (t)

Captain R: The Game Ranger 4
Memories of a Lost Time

1. What is the story behind your latest creation?
Ron, who has been designated the Game Ranger, just made it back to the End of Time.  He’s moping around, refusing to do anything, especially after the events of Game Ranger 2 and 3.

However, he is forced into action by Janus and the wheels of his destiny begin to turn once again.

2. Who or what inspired you to begin your production?
As I always state, the original Captain N: The Game Master was the main influence behind the theme.The entire “Adventures of Ron” was started by my two friends and it grew from there.

The original “Adventures of Ron” were made in Swish using animated (loosely used) still images and exported to *.MOV files.  They were huge!  After learning how to use Flash, I offered to make an episode and, well…the rest is kind of history.

3. How long have you been working on it, and when do you expect to finish?
Game Ranger 4 has been worked on for about five months at this point.  Most of that hasn’t been animation, though.

There was a long writing process because the script changed around four or five times.  Ron was originally going to be in the Final Fantasy 6 world, then the Final Fantasy World with multiple characters from the different Final Fantasy games, just a Final Fantasy style world, and then finally we scraped that for the new story.

Then came the long audition process, which is actually still continuing.  There are a few characters which need actors.

As for when I expect it to be finished, that’s tough to say.  The actors we have are taking a while to get lines sent in and some of the less extravagant characters aren’t getting as many quality auditions.  So…when it’s done!

4. Do you feel that this is better than your previous work? If so, why?
This is far above and beyond anything I’ve produced thus far.  Having learned little tricks from all previous animations, this project is amazing.

I’m using a lot of the “advanced” sprite techniques in order to give a more professional look, I’m making custom sprite sequences, and I’m making my own backgrounds from composites of existing images, as well as animating them myself.

The entire feel of the animation is much tighter and the script is top notch.

5. Do you feel that this is something original? What have you done to make your creation different?
Again, obviously the premise isn’t completely original, but the way we go about it is.  I always wanted to parody Captain N in some way, and this was the best way to do it.

What sets this apart from other animations out there is that Captain R: The Game Ranger isn’t trying to be something it isn’t.  The series is about a lazy, balding, white trash racist guy who doesn’t even want to be there in the first place.  We don’t make it seem like Princess Willow is being held in Bowser’s castle, so you won’t be seeing Richter walking across a bridge, hitting an axe, and the bridge dropping out or anything like that.

We’re mixing and matching different video games together to make a vast, huge world in which Ron gets in to all kinds of trouble.  There’s no moral to the stories, at least not intentionally.

6. What has given you the most difficulty during the development process of your new creation?

That’s a good one, actually.  The biggest problem I’ve faced is getting the highest quality of actors with high quality microphones.  Many times I’d get a lot of excellent auditions with horrible audio or excellent audio with terrible auditions.

Then there’s the constant back and forth, mostly in a good way, with the other creator.  We’ll differ on something and have to come up with a happy medium.

Oh…and then there’s the whole “create custom sprites” when things aren’t available that I need.

7. Have you learned new techniques from making this, and do you plan to use them in the future?

I’m always learning something new when making these things.  Often times I’ll be working on another project and learn something new and go back to a different one to implement the techniques.

Thanks to the V-Cam, I can produce a lot of new effects, and in doing even that, I learn new techniques, such as “Add” in the “Blend” option of a movie clip.  Doing that provides a softer effect for the animation, much like you see in Street Fighter or the like.

8. Besides Flash, did you pull any other programs into the mix to deliver your desired effect?

I’m forever using other programs.  I’m using the following programs:

Fighter Maker
Sony Vegas Pro

9. How do you feel this creation will measure up to other submissions on

This will smack the others out of the water, definitely.  That is, until Street Fighter vs Dragonball Z is released!

10. Any final thoughts or anything else you would like to say?

Be expecting something fun, hilarious, and a great ride.

Posted 12/27/2010 at 5:39 PM on Xanga

Avatar review without the bias (s)

I know the movie has been out for a while now and there are several reviews out there on the Internet, but most of them are extremely liberally biased and/or praise James Camereon for the symbology (be it actual or made up by him).  What I’m going to do here is review the movie without all of that bias and offensive nature of Cameron’s statements, though I will talk about those later.

This will be slightly different from my past entries.  What I’m not going to do, is draw on outside references or make oddball comparisons.  No, you’ll get even more of a taste for the “every day me” instead of my comedic writing.  Also, I’m breaking this into sections.

Movie Plot
A corporation has found a unique material called “Unobtainium” on a planet designated “Pandora”.  Pandora also happens to be the home of a race of extremely tall, extremely strong humanoids called the “Na’Vi”.  When a former Marine’s twin brother ends up dead because of a mugging on Earth, he is enlisted to join the “Avatar Program” and journey to Pandora for a rather large paycheck over the course of six years.  What he learns when he arrives on Pandora changes his outlook on life and the fate of both the Na’Vi and the Earthlings, called “The Sky People” by the Na’Vi, are on his hands.

Basic Impression
Now, I saw the movie in IMax 3D and I was impressed.  Not only did the movie have excellent pacing which kept it from getting boring (perfect for a three hour movie), but the IMax 3D was amazing.  The movie had depth and added that extra dimension of realism I think would have been otherwise missing had I seen it as a traditional screening.

Avatar has great graphics.  The renderings are very impressive.  Now, I wasn’t completely blown away, but I think it’s because my computer routinely displays such amazing pictures back to me in my video games, thanks to my graphics card.  However, the people I went to see the movie with kept talking about how amazing the Avatars looked.  The 3D was awesome regardless, however, and kept my interest the entire time.

This is where Avatar really wanted to shine.  While it does in most ways, there are quite a few areas it needed improvement.  Obviously nothing is perfect, but when you’re trying to beat people over the head with the Liberal Stick, you need to be better at it.  As subtle as Avatar tries to be in the beginning, it turns into a tree hugging fest a few times, but the story quickly moves away for a moment or two.

The over all story is really good, and if nothing else, should be taken with a grain of salt in order to enjoy.  Yes, everyone gets it that the most precious resource and treasure is nature and not a rock, but a rock is also nature.  Thus, the logic is flawed.  After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, is it not?

Full Review
When I went to see the movie I didn’t know any kind of “message” Cameron was really trying to present.  I knew it was going to be about Earthlings “invading” a different world in order to get some mineral for their own use and that was it.  So, when I saw the movie, some of the “messages” took on different meanings for me, and not in the “Love the puppy and hug a tree!!!” way.

Before you get your panty-briefs in a twist, I’m saying that I did enjoy the movie.  It was a fun ride and worth the price for seeing it in 3D.  I wouldn’t have felt justified seeing it as a traditional screening, however.

Okay, back on track with the actual movie here.  For me, I didn’t consider the mercenaries to be a reflection on the military (mercs are hired guns after all and don’t have to play by a lot of the same rules), the corporation being the US government (it’s an independent entity out to make a profit, which is brought up a few times), nor the Avatar drivers being “gamers” (which Cameron has decided they are for some reason).  Also, the reason the rock is so valuable is NEVER explained.  Ever.

What I recognized in the armed combat unit in the movie is that many of them are there only to collect a paycheck while others are there because it’s a chance to explore, without having to deal with the military.  Being a former soldier myself, these hired guns in the movie didn’t reflect anything I had experienced in the past or in the present.  To me, it was more of a message “Blackwater BAD!!!!” than “The military is EVIL!!!”, which is, apparently, what Cameron wanted us to think.

I didn’t try and connect the entire corporation is the US government, either.  I also didn’t try to connect their ambitions to “Manifest Destiny”, which Cameron wanted us to do.  Instead, what I saw was the traditional “Corporations BAD!!!!” message and the message of “open your mind to other options”.  Manifest Destiny?  Hardly.  The corporation knew what was were and was going for it.  They weren’t trying to take the land from the Na’Vi, they just wanted what was in the ground.  Why the corporation simply didn’t use all their technology to dig a pit and then tunnel under the Na’Vi’s home is beyond me, but obviously Cameron wanted us to see mankind as only a destroyer and polluter.  After all, we’re made to see the ships used by the Earthlings blowing out HUGE pillars of black smoke and constantly strip-mining the area.  If this was supposed to be 2154, there would obviously be huge changes in mining techniques.

Probably one of the most offensive things thus far is that Cameron has decided the Avatar drivers are like people who play video games.  I’ll get more on his statement later, but let me talk about this part first.  I guess because people who play video games aren’t in their own bodies inside the game, and instead controlling something which cannot do anything on its own, they are just like someone playing Call of Duty.  This never, ever, not once, occurred to me the entire time I was watching the movie.  After all, several times in the movie the characters talk about how the Avatar program is there to get them in with the Na’Vi, learn their ways, get their trust, and let them allow the humans to strip mine the area.  Yeah, I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense, but whatever.  I don’t get how this is similar to gamers.  No, really, I don’t.  Hell, the first time you see Sigourney Weaver’s character, she asks for a cigarette while shouting obscenities to her employees.

Apparently this is where Cameron is trying to make a message: The character and gamers only care about their Avatar bodies and not their real ones, by drinking, smoking, and eating food that makes them fat.  Excuse me?  I run a mile every other day and do pushups, situps, and arm curls on the days I don’t run.  I don’t smoke, I drink extremely rarely, and I game 20+ hours a week often times.  Go sit on a piece of shattered glass sticking straight up, Cameron.

As the audience, we’re introduced to the material “Unobtainium” not long into the movie and told that it sells for $20 million a kilo.  Why is it so precious and expensive?  Who the hell knows and you’re not supposed to care.  Personally, I took it to be a great kind of metal with naturally super conductive abilities, which explains the reason it sold for so much.  My attitude towards it was, “Awesome!”  No, however…you’re supposed to see an ugly gray rock, and because there’s explanation as to why it is so expensive, you’re supposed to hate it and the people after it.  It’s supposed to make you wonder why you like gold, silver, diamonds, sapphires, enter-whatever-gem-metal-and-whatever-here.  I didn’t connect it to anything like that, and I personally don’t give a damn about any of those.  Sure they look cool, but I don’t go, “OH DIAMONDS!”  To me, it’s a shiny rock and don’t care, which is probably why I didn’t consider any of it.

Now, as far as the Avatars go…at one point there’s a romance scene between the “hero”, Jack Scully, and the Na’Vi girl, Neytiri.  I don’t know if Cameron wanted you to feel happy for the couple or try to make a new fetish, but it was kind of awkward and unneeded.  Yes, I did kind of feel the Na’Vi people were supposed to be like the American Indians, but not the real ones…the ones we are supposed to fantasize existed and lived in direct communion with nature…which most never did.  No, the American Indians were most often at war with each other and while they used most of the animals they killed, they had to in order to survive.

Now for the whole “invasion” thing…come on.  We are supposed to feel hatred toward the humans and sympathy for the Na’Vi.  I didn’t.  At least no more so than for anyone I would here on Earth.  I didn’t go away not like the humans in the movie and I didn’t go away thinking the Na’Vi were pure.  The humans are chastised and hated because they fight against the Na’Vi, but the Na’Vi go out of their way to kill the humans on sight, without provocation.  Sure later on in the movie they are defending themselves, but early on the audience is told they stalk you in the forest and kill you.  Oh, and the best part is, we see it to be true with Neytiri stalking Jack Scully’s Avatar in the forest, before she is stopped by a “message from their god”.

This brings me to the next part…we’re made to believe their god is real and basically that the “Christian” god is fake ideology.  When the Na’Vi are defending themselves, the reason is that the mercenary unit is out to blow up their most holy place.  Why are they doing this?  Because they’re hanging out there after having their home destroyed.  Again, this is supposed to make you think about the US Military fighting Islamists over in the Middle East.  Problem is, not even the United Nations would okay such a terrible act.

At one point we’re told that everything on Pandora is connected through a network of root systems and the Na’Vi can upload and download information, including what is considered consciousness, to this network.  I don’t know if this is supposed to be a reflection on the Internet, but maybe it is.  I didn’t consider it until just now typing this out, so again, Cameron fails.  Yes, it’s extremely cool that an entire ecosystem is connected like that, but it’s a tragic flaw for the planet…what happens when a virus gets spread amongst the plants?  Everything would die and so would the planet.  Oops, Cameron, didn’t think that one in, did you?  Obviously not, because the destruction of the biggest tree on Pandora didn’t cause massive problems for the planet, which you suggested it would.

Final Thoughts
Do I suggest you see the movie?  Yes, if nothing more for an entertaining ride.  Remember to take everything with a grain of salt and just enjoy the journey you’re put through.  However, if you’re an influential ass, such as one who watched Sideways and changed the way they thought of and drank wine, then stay the hell away because you’ll be reading way too much into things.  At least, you’ll be reading into nonsense that Cameron claims was there.

Oh, and, hey, Cameron!  If you wrote this “epic tale” over six years ago, then how can you possibly claim somethings, such as Sigourney Weaver’s character is a direct reflection of gamers when it’s just been a scant two years it’s become such a popular thing?  Yeah, you’re a hack intelligently, but at least you can make a movie.  However, you’ll never get the right to do “The Edmond Fitzgerald”, and rightfully so after Titanic.

See the movie in 3D and it’s worth the price you paid.

Posted 1/6/2010 at 4:9 PM on Xanga

Went to see Babalon A.D. (s)

Well, I went to see it last Sunday actually. Is it worth seeing? Yes, the movie is worth the price of admission as long as you see it as a matinee. If you don’t know anything about the story before hand, then prepare to be a little pissed at the ending. I’m not going to give anything away, of course.

Just go see it at a “discounted” price. Vin Diesel was really good in ti and the entire movie moved at a really good pace

Posted 9/11/2008 at 12:42 AM on Xanga