A change in lifestyle for a better life (Anyone can do it!)

Hello there, fellow Ramblers! Isn’t life wonderful? I sure know it is! I’ve been shown the light in my dark ways and have finally decided to do something about it: Change my lifestyle for a better life! Want to know the secret? The secret is that it’s no secret! ANYONE CAN DO THIS!

You see, I used to love fatty foods, sugar filled foods, and even caffeine. I’ve decided to cut all of that out and eat only bland foods. You see, with foods having no flavor, I have no drive to eat them. This in turn causes a lot of weight loss and prevention of gluttony. Things like celery and iceberg lettuce is key here. Eat a lot of it. Don’t add peanut butter, though, as it has sugar and flavor. Don’t eat meat, because meat is murder. Don’t believe me? Meat actually stands for Murder Every Animal Today! It’s TRUE! GOOGLE IT! The devil is in the details and the devil is what is making you desire it all.

I’ve also started to partake in more outdoor activities. Here I am sneaking up a deer, our friend in the animal kingdom. Exercise is a great way of getting exercise when you don’t even know it’s happening. By utilizing exercise, you’re losing more weight and working off your lettuce and celery. That’s SUPER important. Also with exercise, especially when you don’t know you’re getting exercise, you’ll meet lots of great people! Just like the people I met who helped me get into better exercise and understand my terrible way of life! It’s as if my brain has been scrubbed spotless and I’m all shiny inside now.

Something else I’ve been made to understand is sarcasm is deadly, deadly, deadly, and unwanted! You should never be sarcastic. It hurt’s people’s feelings and you’re not just lying to everyone you’re talking to, but to yourself as well. No one likes to be lied to, and that includes yourself to yourself. Talk about being rude! You shouldn’t do it. Just be honest. Unless you’re talking to the government, then just don’t talk. NEVER TALK! They’ll try, but you don’t want that to happen. Just keep your mouth shut! That’s like…six of the twenty rules I learned.

I’ve decided I needed guns. Lots and lots of guns. No, seriously, more guns. More guns than that. Having them for zombies is silly, unless you’re talking about the corporate zombies out there taking our wealth and not sharing it with the rest of us! I mean, come on! One of the first things you learn is a child is how to share, and these fat cats and government a-holes are hoarding it from us one penny at a time. We must all come to terms with this and take back what is rightfully ours! Well, it’s theirs, but it should be ours! ONE, TWO, TREE FOUR! ESCALATE THE CLASS WAR! FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT! KILL THE BOSSES AND FIGHT THE STATE!

With just a few easy changes to your life, you, too, can achieve this happiness! Join me and my new friends now. We’ll love to have you!


No Gods, No Masters!

Book Update – Low Def Cover Sample

Well, things are moving forward.  Everything is formatted and the front page cover art is completely finished!  Here’s a nice little sample of the book cover.  The back page (left) is a WIP while the front is done.

I am very excited about it all and cannot wait to get it up for everyone.  The book I mean…you knew that, though…I hope.

Remember when game developers cared? (s)

When people remember the good ‘ole days, it’s usually just because of nostalgia and not because things actually were better.  Well, it may have been better for them as a whole, like when really old people remember when it was better with blacks “in their place”, but that’s not what I’m talking about here.  Not to say all old people or old people in generally are racist.  Look, I know how you people on the Internet do with your moronic white knighting.  Chill out.

What I’m talking about in this entry is when game developers actually cared and did something about cheating or problems with their games. Yeah, believe it or not, there was a time when game developers would actively police their games to ensure a quality experience. Yep, that goes as far as banning cheaters almost immediately. You also didn’t get banned or suspended for playing the single player modes in ways you wanted to, or in ways the developers didn’t intend. Hell, half the time the fun was finding ways to break the game in your favor.

These days with instant hot patching and always on internet access, game developers are punishing players for playing the way they want in the single player modes and forcing people into their shitfest-second fiddle-thrown in just so they can claim to have a multiplayer experience-hack filled multiplayer while not addressing the hacking nor cheating. Look, multiplayer can be great, but game developers need to stop focusing on it or adding it just for fuck all’s reason.

I remember when UbiSoft cared about their multiplayer with Far Cry 1. I can’t speak for FC2 since I never touched the MP part of it. When people would hack and cheat, UbiSoft would ban accounts and even CD Keys. Now? Nope. FC3 and FC4 are filled with hacks and what does UbiSoft do? Suggest you play with friends. When people were hacking on Counter Strike, what did the devs do? MASSIVE ban waves every week! Battlefield 4 is full of hackers and what does DiCE do? Tell you not to make it public, use the Battlelog to submit the report, and then if the player doesn’t affect the leaderboard, they ignore it. Report enough cheaters, with evidence, and YOUR account gets suspended! The hacking and not giving a shit about it by DiCE is so bad, even mentioning the presence of cheating on their forums or on Battlelog gets the post removed almost immediately and your account deactivated for a minimum of 3 days. WTF, guys?!

It’s not just the developers, either. When did people who paid for something stop giving a shit about how unusable it is? When did people who paid for something and had the power to regulate its use stop giving a shit? What is wrong with ALL OF YOU?!

When the Vato Loco Gang clan on Battlefield 3 had a server, we policed it every day. There is a reason we were ranked #3 in the world for favorites and people constantly fought to get into the server, begging for VIP access and even offering to pay for premium spots. Why? Because we ran it like the game SHOULD have been. We banned cheaters, kicked laggers, and made sure people were having FUN rather than dealing with cheating fucks. These days, people are putting up rules for their server, and then not doing anything about it when people hack, cheat, glitch, or go against the server rules. If you aren’t going to enforce fair play, then don’t buy a server.

Destiny is so full of hackers, the PvP is pointless to play, but guess what? Bungie sure as hell forces you to play it. Do they care about it? Yes and no. Fuck no from the point of you enjoying it or banning cheaters. Yes in the way they balance EVERYTHING in the game, which is MMO based, to cater to PvP’tards who cry. Bungie has shown how little they give a shit about the actual RPG aspect of their RPG side, since their changes have made the PvE section a massive struggle thanks to mind boggling weapon balances (in order to cater to PvP’tards who cry), while demonstrating, through their own patch notes, they can EASILY separate PvP and PvE weapon damage! Oh, but don’t worry, they are banning people…who are listed as “unhelpful” or “inactive” on strikes. Not cheating, not lagging, not hacking…but unhelpful… Fuck you, Bungie. Three times. No lube.

Yes, I am RAGING right now. I am beyond fucking pissed off. What the fuck is wrong with developers these days? They act like WE need THEM, when in reality THEY need US, especially with bloated budgets and lowing profit margins. Fuck you, assholes. Start policing your god damn games instead of waiting until all of your expansions are out to get the extra money.

Thank you for choosing Blue Raven Séance

Dear customer,

Thank you very much for your interest in my séance services. I know in the competitive market for contacting the spirit world, you have a lot of choices, and you have chosen to use Blue Raven Séance! Through your diligent research, you have seen I am the best choice for you and understand we have a psychic pairing already.

Before you sign on with me as your séance provider, there are a list of rules we must go over. Do not worry, as this is all standard procedure and helps to eliminate some questions you may already have. I appreciate you taking the time to go over these, and look forward to hearing from you once you are finished.


1. At least three people must attend
Three people are required to summon the spirits in order for us to speak with them. You know the saying “Two’s a company and three’s a crowd”? Well, maybe for a date, but during a séance that saying is malarkey. You see, three people help with the psychic vibrations spirits use to find their way to us. Two people, one of which is the psychic, just isn’t strong enough to get their attention.
 
 
2. Have an idea who you would like to talk to
You wouldn’t just start dialing random numbers when you want to speak to Pizza Hut, would you? No, of course not! If you don’t have an idea who you would like to talk to, we’re just dialing randomly and could end up with a really nasty fellow on the other line. It’s like ringing the line of someone who is not only getting into the shower at the time, but are also ready to bone down on a real hottie. It’s just rude and dangerous, since the spirits can “trace the call” into your living room.
 
 
3. Have each guest write down a few questions and submit them to me
It’s just nice to have an idea on what you’d like me to focus the conversation on with the spirits. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to use this in order to do research and get things staged… You believe me, right? Of course you do. I’m psychic after all!
 
 
4. Respect the circle
This includes your other guests, the spirits, and most importantly: ME! You will not speak out of turn and you will not get up and move around. This makes sure the only thing you hear is what I want you to hear. What I mean, of course, is the spirits and what not…yeah…
 
 
5. No video or audio taping
Look, this is a séance and not an amateur sex tape, okay? Respect the privacy of the spirits and don’t record this in anyway. You won’t be allowed to have cell phones, since an active cell phone is known to be very dangerous to ghosts. I’m not kidding! Getting a text message or phone call when a ghost is in the area is just like killing them all over again. Spirits do not like to come back as the spirit of a spirit. It makes things very complicated when they get sorted through on the way back to the after life.
 
 
6. Candles…lots and lots of candles
I’m talking a metric ass load (which is the professional term) of candles. I will need so many candles your neighbors will call the fire department because they think the place is completely engulfed with flames on the inside. Don’t use candles which are for aroma therapy. You’ll want to smell what the ghosts are cooking.
 
 
7. I will not speak to animals
I’m sad to even feel the need to include this, but after an encounter with a lady’s dead cat, this is a must. Did I say cat? I mean bangle fucking tiger! Yeah, no shit! This lady calls me over to her place to speak to “Mr. Cuddle Butt”, her dead “cat”, and was willing to pay me an ungodly amount of money, so I was all like, “Hell yeah!” Well, when I get there and do the séance, I was able to make contact. Rather, it made contact with my scrotum with a nailed claw. Never…ever…again!
 
 
8. Time of the séance is extremely important
Unlike most Hollywood troupes, the time of the séance really is extremely important. From 11:30PM until 02:30AM is the time to do this. As such, I will require many accommodations made so I can prepare when I reach your home around 02:00PM. These are highlighted below.
 
 
9. Accommodation requirements
Since I will need time to set up, you will be providing me with a room to sleep in and all meals. If you don’t give this to me things won’t go well during the séance. I’m not in to Taco Bell or Domino’s Pizza. No, you will provide me with either mid-quality dining such as Chili’s or TGI Friday’s, or you will make for me a grand homemade dinner. However, if the person making the homemade meal is not a good cook, don’t bother! Look, I’ll even take going to a buffet such as Golden Corral. It better be a nice Golden Corral, though.

I’m also going to need full access to a complete gym. If your idea of a gym is a few free weights, a treadmill, and maybe a yoga ball, you need to get a membership to a better gym.
 
 
10. No children under the age of 13
Look, kids suck and they fuck everything up. Okay? Good.
 
 
11. I have no liability if things go wrong
I’m not going to lie… A séance is really dangerous. I’m serious! A few houses have been sucked in to another plain of existence all together during a séance. There’s also the risk of possession, mass murder, and a lifetime of being haunted by evil spirits. Don’t even get me started on how the pathway can remain open and how your home can be flooded with demons or even your soul being like fly paper in which they stick to you until you die, dragging you to limbo. So, yeah, no, I’m not responsible for any of that. This is your choice to do this. Understood?
 
 
12. Consultation and Deposit required up front
Because this is considered a consultation, you need to pay me $45 right now for all of this. Also, you’ll have to give me the initial deposit of…I don’t know…let’s say $250 right now. None of this is refundable. Thanks!


Those are my general rules for using my services. I’m sure we’ll have a great working relationship.

Sincerely,

Blue Raven

DC Comics characters with disabilities – Nerd Speak #1

For the first installment of Nerd Speak, we join Sunrie and Wyldfyre as they discuss DC Comic characters with disabilities which negate their super abilities.


#1 – Flash: Diabetes with no legs or has Parkinson

Sunrie: Imagine the Flash being so fat he ended up with Type II Diabetes! That super speed sure as hell isn’t helping now, is it, fatty? Seventy six hot dogs an hour isn’t exactly the best diet!

Wyldfyre: Or a the best for speed! Or even seventy six hot dogs a minute. I’m sure he can speed digest. I mean, I don’t know that…but…you know…

Sunrie: I know Michael Phelps has one hell of a caloric intake each day, but can you imagine what this guy must go through? What if no one told him about limiting his sugar intake?

Wyldfyre: He’s got, like, speed diabetes! He has to take those shots every five seconds. “Fuck! I broke that needle off in my asshole, guys!” Yeah, they’re super heroes, but they’re only human, too. Bad things can happen them at the worst times. “I’m fighting my arch-nemesis, but I got the dye-bet-as!”

Sunrie: True enough…what if he had that Michale J. Fox thing…Parkinsons?

Wyldfyre: Oh, god, dude. yes, he’d shake so fast he would end up, like, takING a nap and end up in dinosaur era, or some time in the future when everyone has his powers. The problem is, they wouldn’t have Parkinsons, so he could see what his life would be like. Better yet, he would phase! He’d shake so fast he’d end up in the center of the Earth. He’s phased before.

Sunrie: No shit…

Wyldfyre: Would lava hurt you if you’re phased? Would you just come out the other side like the Earth just cummed you out? You know, like the Earth just shit you out?

Sunrie: I think it’s time to move on…


#2 – Superman: Xeroderma pigmentosum

Sunrie: “Hey, guys, I’m powered by the sun, but that sun kills me. Fuck you! I’m only going out at night!”

Wyldfyre: “I’m the night time super hero! If a train goes off the cliff at noon, then you’re on your own, so fuck you!”

Sunrie: “Oh, the sun is so bright and scary…let the day time guys take care of that!”

Wyldfyre: “I”m not a man…I’m a SUPERMAN!” First, it’s a normal day for Clark Kent, but he walks out the door and beam of sunlight hits his arm catches on fire. He starts running, screaming cause he’s on fire… The very thing that gives him power is his second kryptonite.

Sunrie: He’d be a total night owl.

Wyldfyre: Yeah, he’d be a fat bastard like the Flash, jerking off to Internet porn all day. “Ooooooh, Louis Lane! I’d love to get with you, but the sun burns me!” Kind of like the Thundercats enemies who can’t go in the daytime. I mean…even the moon reflects the sun.

Sunrie: I don’t think as much…but if he’s out all night and not in the day I’m sure he could still get a suntan. Which brings up a good question I’ve always wondered: Why isn’t Superman at least as orange as one of those cock-suckers from Jersey Shore?

Wyldfyre: Yes…the good thing, though, is he doesn’t have to put up with Snooky. Fucking Superman.


#3 – Lex Luthor: Brain tumor

Wyldfyre: I can see this. All bad shit! I envision the Justice League seeing a 20K” TV, which Batman bought, and he laughs, “Hahahah, guys! I did…uh…something…to piss…uh…SOMEONE off…What did I do? Hold on, I got a phone call…uh, hello? Uh huh…yeah…what?” This is all going on during the screen time with the Justice League. It’s really awkward.

Sunrie: He’s around a level 9 intelligence or some bullshit, and his brain is being eaten away like Steven Hawking’s legs.

Wyldfyre: Dude…

Sunrie: What?

Wyldfyre: Nothing. I’m sure he did get cancer at one point.

Sunrie: No…I think the only reason he wore the suit to fight Superman, if that’s what you’re thinking.

Wyldfyre: No, he got cancer. Let me check the Wiki!

Sunrie: Oh dear god…

Wyldfyre: Says he cured cancer! Oh, this is about the wrestler…oh, no wait…no it isn’t. Turns out he did get cancer by wearing a kryptonite ring!

Sunrie: HAHAHAH! What a fucktard!

Wyldfyre: Why didn’t they realize there was some radiation if it was affecting Superman?

Sunrie: Uh…because DC and fuck you?


#4 – Batman: Afraid of the dark

Sunrie: Technically, bats don’t see in the dark, they use ultra-sonic…some shit or another…to find their way. It’s basically Doppler radar, but they don’t have to pay for it. It’s kind of cool. From what I can tell, Batman has all the features of a bat on his outfit, without the cool powers.

Wyldfyre: Pretty much. He’s, like, the spoiled rich bitch, who can order everything through E-bay. He can take down all the other characters, because they were stupid enough to tell him.

Sunrie: I would never tell anyone my weakness! Pussy doesn’t count, because I’m a man.

Wyldfyre: If Batman was afraid of a the dark, would he be screaming for Alfred to hold his hand as he goes back up to the mansion? He’d have to call himself Daywalker or something. “I am vengeance, I am the DAY!!! I AM DAYWALKER!”

Sunrie: I’m sure there is a super hero named Daywalker, but don’t quote me on that.

Wyldfyre: He’d HAVE to change his name! Birdman would suck, and he’s already an attorney. Lemur-Man? He’d have to be like Sunlight man. His outfit would have a smiling sun drawn by some four year old.

Sunrie: Captain Sunshine is probably what his name would be. He’d be the happiest super hero ever. He’d be Superman’s arch-enemy, too.

Wyldfyre: The Joker would just turn off the lights and cattle prod him to the penis. That’d suck. I’d hate to die like that. Rant over.

Sunrie: Dude…what the fuck?


#5 – Martian Manhunter: Xenophobe

Sunrie: I’ve never really understood or even know shit about Martian Manhunter. I know his name is John or some stupid shit…because, you know, that’s a god damn Martian name. Why are Martians always green? Even Cowboy Bebop had Spike who had green hair.

Wyldfyre: Spike wasn’t an alien, was he?

Sunrie: He was from Mars.

Wyldfyre: Oh, that’s right. Martian Manhunter is like the Charlie Brown of the DC Universe. He changes into a human to keep people from knowing aliens are among them, except, you know, SUPERMAN!

Sunrie: I was going to bring that up.

Wyldfyre: Yeah, in the animated series, I’m sure he’s a black guy, so, you know, equally useless.

Sunrie: I don’t know how to argue…

Wyldfyre: He’d hate all humans because, to him, WE are the aliens. He’d have a hick accent and speak like Foghorn Leghorn. His people taught us to build the pyramids!

Sunrie: Would he want us to leave?

Wyldfyre: Of course! His kind were here first! To him, we’re all higgers!

Sunrie: Higgers???

Wyldfyre: That’s what they call us!

Sunrie: Oh, that makes sense.

Wyldfyre: If he’s drinking at the bar, disguised as a black dude, and someone comes in while he’s drinking, he’d throw a fit because he’d refuse to pay for some higger giving him a drink.

Sunrie: I think we got a little side tracked.

Wyldfyre: Nope.


#6 – Wonder Woman: Afraid of heights

Sunrie: Wonder Woman is a joke, but not on purpose. What good is a lasso which makes people tell the truth? “I have you in a lasso which makes you tell the truth!” she says…followed by him going, “NICE FUCKING TITS!!! I WANT TO FUCK YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING!!!”

Wyldfyre: Let’s give her some arm things…and a god damn lasso, and an invisible god damn jet. That makes so much sense. What if she catches someone and asks something stupid like, “Do you have a crush on me?!” Does it work if you just touch it? Does she have to tell the truth all the time? That would be against the nature of women, anyway.

Sunrie: True, but that’s just a normal stupid thing about her, like the invisible jet itself. We’re going into things which would be a disability besides being a woman.

Wyldfyre: It’s like you don’t want to give her a disability since she was written by a retard, obviously. You have Batman, who’s amazing, you have Superman who’s the Goku of the DC universe, then you have Wonder Woman *retard voice* I have an invisible jet! */retard voice* Let’s just give her an invisible jet!

Sunrie: True. How does she even find that damn thing? I have a hard time imagining her feeling her way through the damn airfield for 20 minutes…or someone crashing into it.

Wyldfyre: If she was afraid of heights, since she can fly now, I can see it all, “Captain Cocksuck is getting away!’ She’d be running while everyone else is taking off and flying, even Batman who’s in his Bat-plane.

Sunrie: Captain Cocksuck???

Wyldfyre: I had to make up a vilian. How about Sergeant Cock’n’balls?

Sunrie: Not better…

Wyldfyre: Anyway, what if she had to climb a tower and was the only one who could get up there? Imagine a bomb which would destroy all time and space, but she’s the only hope. Would she shit herself after fifteen feet? Can you imagine shit through that g-string she wears? It’d be like a cheese grader!

Sunrie: It’d be chocolate rain…just don’t drink it.

Wyldfyre: Back on the plane: Why would someone from Greek mythology need an invisible JET?! I WANT TO KICK THE WRITER IN THE NUTS!!

Sunrie: Again, because DC and fuck you.

Wyldfyre: Batman’s like, “Everyone can fly now but me, what the fuck, man?”


#7 – Green Lantern: Germaphobe

Wyldfyre: So, would they have to put him in a bubble? Well, not everyone who has this disease is in a bubble, but what if they had to?

Sunrie: He’d be like a hamster in a wheel, which would be hilarious.

Wyldfyre: The act of him putting that ring on itself is what made him so sick. The aliens didn’t realize the human immune system was so fragile. Sadly, the bubble couldn’t be a construct of his own power, it has to be an actual bubble.

Sunrie: His powers also couldn’t go outside of the bubble. He’d never get with a woman…ever.

Wyldfyre: Yeah, he’d be all like, “All the day, and black of night, no woman will escape my sight!” He’d be fucking a green version of the chick he always wanted, but his dick is flopping all over the place.

Sunrie: It’d be like Game of Thrones, but his dick would be hard. Still, would his own dick snot make him sicker?

Wyldfyre: It is coming from him…he’d probably clean it up with some magic Mr. Clean who’s all green and shit.


#8 – Joker: Tree huger

Wyldfyre: I can actually kind of see this! Batman would be at a peace rally and Joker is chanting, “Stop this war! Stop this war!” Batman is just chilling when Joker turns to him and asks if he knows how he got the scars. Turns out Joker got the scars from hugging a tree and the bark cut his face up.

Sunrie: Well, Liberalism is a mental illness. So, this is plausible.

Wyldfyre: Joker would have to call himself like, Flower Spit, since he turned over a new leaf.

Sunrie: That’s a really bad pun…

Wyldfyre: Well, I like it…I really like it!

Sunrie: I’m just glad we didn’t go with the obvious of Joker not being funny.

My GTA online Character Diary #3

Inside the mind of Wyldfyre1

Dear Diary,

I was at the Airport with my friend Sunrie today and we were pretty much messing around. Driving around the air port. I Thought i would be kinda funny and poured a lot of gasoline around an airplane to perhaps set it on fire. Yeah, I can be quite the firebug when I wanna be but the cops don’t seem to care unless something explodes so why does it matter?

Anyway, I had noticed that the actual stream of gasoline was really close to my buddy’s motorcycle. Well I shot it hoping to blow up the plane and Sunrie realized his bike was on fire. All i could hear was “OH MY GOD!” as he drives off quickly hoping that the wind would put out the fire. All i could see in the distance was fire moving quickly and then I hear “stop, drop, and roll” from the…

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