Mortal Kombat 11 Review by Sunrie (s)(t)

Mortal Kombat, Bitches!!! This logo is awesome!
Nerd boners are raging hard right now with the release of Mortal Kombat 11. It’s been almost a solid four years since Mortal Kombat X was released and people have been begging for the next installment for years now. Was it worth the wait? You can either skip to the bottom like a loser, or you can read the entire review to form a more rounded opinion. Choice is yours.


Raiden looking better than ever!Plot

MKX left us with a very emo Raiden and Cassie Cage as the Earth’s victor. *sigh* Say what you will, that’s what happened in the last game. Now it’s several years later and Raiden is waging war on absolutely every realm which he finds to possibly, maybe, at some point, could be a threat to Earthrealm. With Liu Kang and Kitana ruling Netherrealm, Raiden feels he must attack them as soon as possible.

Enter Kronika, the game’s main antagonist. This new character is above the Elder Gods and she’s extremely powerful. Kind of…sort of…well, if she gets enough power to use her power, she’s extremely powerful. She controls time and weaves the destinies of all people in all the realms, but might also only be Earthrealm, unless you’ve visited Earthrealm… The game never really clears that up.

Look, to sum everything up, Kronika is beyond angry about Raiden shifting everything in total favor of Earthrealm and has decided to rebalance the universe by reversing time to a point in which Raiden could no longer exist. Good guys turn to bad guys, bad guys turn to good guys, and everything else is pretty gray.

Honestly, I’m doing a bad job representing the plot here. It works great in the game and is presented wonderfully.


I would still put my dick in her mouthStory

Ah, the story! MK 9 had an amazing story. MK X had a pretty “meh” story. Injustice 2 had a terrible story. MK 11? It has an amazing story! I don’t know if they reassigned the writing team to the original ones or they hired people back, or even fired the old ones and hired new ones, but damn the new story is interesting. It’s put together in a solid way, the fights make sense, the character interactions are fun, and it doesn’t feel like it’s dragging on nor needless.

I won’t provide spoilers, but let’s just say it had some interesting surprises and mentions. Character motivations don’t feel shoehorned in just to make them appear at times for a fight, which is the biggest thing for me. Unlike in MK X, I feel like this was handled with care and actually thought out again. With the exception of one character, anyone you fight is in the roster. Sure Ed Boon said no NPC fights…well that was a fucking lie…but with that one exception, everyone in the story is in the roster.

Kronika herself is an interesting character and her guiding hand is what lead to the events of all Mortal Kombat games across all timelines. This includes ones we weren’t familiar with, but get to see glimpses of in The Krypt and mentions by other characters.


Mmhmm...mhmm..mmmhmm...Johnny looking badassGraphics

Before I get into controls, audio, and things like that, let’s talk graphics. You see that Johnny Cage over there to the left? See how badass that looks? Well, the entire game is like that. The facial scanning technology is even better than in Injustice 2 and moves even more realistically.

Arenas are multilayered with all kinds of things to look at while never actually distracting from the fight you’re focusing on. In one arena, Shinnok’s severed head sits wedged in a wall and mounted like a trophy. In another arena, you’ll see both the present and the past fighting for dominance as you spray blood across the battle field. Is an NPC wandering a little too close to the fighting action? Grab them and throw them at your opponent!!! It feels so good taking a tarkatan warrior by the belt and bashing your enemy in the face with it.

Special moves glow and explode in pure eye candy. When characters get hit, they react much more realistically than even before, and crushing blows (moves which do enhanced damage based on specific triggers) act as a quasi-x-ray move which can happen either automatically, or when you opt for the “Hold A Button” option.

Blood is…very satisfying. Blood and other liquids (see: Kano introductions in the game) will seek its own level and cover not only the ground, but the entire arena and even coat your fighter’s outfits. While the blood may not pour like a faucet, what does flow out of fighters is more than satisfying. You won’t see the characters taking battle damage like in the past, but thanks to the improved blood physics, you won’t miss it.


Sonya taking it to the face in graphic detailGameplay/Controls

How does the game play? Faster than the beta and slower than MK X. I like it! I really, really like it. I don’t feel like I’m being rushed down constantly by the AI or other players. It’s much more methodical this time around.

Inputting combos is still a little “dial-a-hit”, but the timing is much tighter this time around. You have to be pretty precise, and that will either make you a better player, or will make you frustrated in the online battles. Personally, I like it being a little less forgiving, because it means button mashing is even less likely to get you anywhere. Is it noob friendly? Somewhat, I guess.

Honestly, the controls aren’t super crispy, but they feel satisfying. My fingers have gotten a work out, let’s put it that way. Doing the Tutorial section will help you out in a lot of ways. I highly suggest at least playing the Frame Data Tutorial. Granted, it means absolutely dick shit against the computer, since the AI breaks all the rules whenever it feels like (Dear Developers: Stop programming One Button Specials and Button Reading into your fighting games and learn how to program actual AI, you lazy assholes. Sincerely, Everyone), but it did make the entire concept understandable for me, so anyone can learn it.


Liu Kang's Fatalities have gotten goryAudio

Music is right on. It’s just catchy enough that you won’t be distracted by it, but you’ll definitely have your favorites. Thanks to the Krypt, which I will discuss mournfully later, you can unlock the tunes to listen to at any time. There’s some wild west influence in some of this music, and that’s not a bad thing.

Groans, grunts, screams, yelps, and laughs are fantastic. Beating your opponent mercilessly has never sounded this good. Ever. Period. I don’t care what other game you’re thinking of, this beats it.* Punching your enemy to bits like Liu Kang there will give you an instant boner no matter if you’re a boy or a girl. It’s that good.

Voice acting is good as well. I wouldn’t say it’s great, but it’s good. I know people complain about Rhonda Rousey’s acting as Sonya, but let me get something straight with everyone: No one else in the cast is Shakespeare level and no one is going to win an award for their work here. It all feels like it’s done on purpose to give it that old Kung Fu Theater vibe, and it’s fun.

*God of War (2018) is the one exception


Oh...Johnny and Sonya are back together, by the wayFeatures

It wouldn’t be a modern Mortal Kombat game without some additional features thrown in. Apart from Story, you have The Krypt, Towers of Time, Klassic Towers, Kollections, and Kustomize.

Story mode is your basic bread and butter mode to get you to understand what is going on and why. You get to play a variety of the characters, sometimes as a team, and other times alone. You do not get to play as the villians at all, which kind of sucks. You have the ability to go back and make other choices, when given to you, so you won’t miss out on anything. Nothing about the story changes, however, and it’s just there to give you another thing to experience. A lot of your costumes and accents are earned through this mode, so don’t skip it.

Towers of Time is much like the gimmick in Injustice 2 where you have a cretain amount of time to beat challenges to unlock gear and get konsumables. First off: FUCK KONSUMBABLES. Most of the towers can only be beaten by using these because the AI is completely jacked up. Netherrealm Studios has stated this is a mistake (I don’t believe them) and they are adjusting the difficulty. Whey do I think this is not a mistake? Because it makes you so infuriated you’ll want to buy “konsumable” items in packs through the online store. They just got so much backlash from this they are forced to change it. At least they acknowledged it. This goes for The Krypt, too, which I will address last, due to how angry I am over it.

Klassic Towers is exactly like the normal towers in MK X. You choose five through twelve fights to get your character’s endings, fight through an endurance tower where your health is carried over between each fight, and you have the unlimited battles tower to see just how far you can get against an increasingly cheating computer. Oh, did I forget to mention you can use konsumables in this selection of towers as well completely breaking everything? Yeah…fuck “konsumables”.

Kollections is just where you can view the items you’ve unlocked such as concept art and music. That’s all.

Kustomize is where you go to change out your costumes and adjust your skills and augments. It’s pretty cool, but extremely limited. You can’t adjust the colors yourself, so you’re forced to just pick the outfit and coloring you like the best with the items you’ve selected to accent your character. However, there is a lot to choose from, and you’ll pretty much be forced to either get extremely lucky to get the one you want, or you’ll just have to fork over the cash (up to $10 USA) for it. Why? Because of the fucked over Krypt.

Their faces say it allThe Krypt is a joke. There are more items than there are treasure chests, so you’ll have to spend even more of your first type of currency to reset the chests in order to have a slight chance to get what you want. It’s 2,000 gold pieces PER CHEST to reset, and with chests costing up to 25,000 gold to open, you’ll need a lot of gold. Then there’s the “Soul Tokens”, which you get at a very slow rate compared to gold. One area requires 2,00 souls in order to unlock it, and every other chest requires 100 souls. Guess how many souls you get by playing? Not enough.

Then there’s the Hearts…Except for “Special Chests”, which require 100 hearts, every other chest which takes hearts (these have Shao Kahn’s bust on them) requires 250 hearts. Problem with this? You get ONE HEART PER FATILITY and TWO HEARTS PER BRUTALITY. So, that means you have to beat, at minimum, 125 opponents and end the rounds with a Brutality, or defeat 250 characters with a Fatality just to open ONE CHEST, which contains an RNG character skin. Oh, and no, couch co-op does NOT give you hearts, so don’t try to cheat it that way.

That’s not the end of it, either…to use one of the items which is required to find certain chests and passageways, it costs you Soul Tokens to use. Every second it drains 2 Soul Tokens. So…pony up and pay, bitches. Again, Netherrealm Studios has acknowledged the backlash, so they are “adjusting the economy”. No one knows what this means as of now.


This is the real Mortal Kombat! Kontroversy!Kontroversy

I didn’t have to spell it with a “K”, I just wanted to.

Many, many, many man babies are crying over the fact the characters look more realistic. In any other videogame this would be a great thing, but not here in Mortal Kombat, I guess. They’re also complaining that the female fighters don’t have their tits, ass, and pussy hanging out of their costumes, but feel that the male characters are overly sexualized. These people are absolutely dumb shits. That is a fact, not an opinion. The characters have never looked better and the costume designs have never been more impressive.

The other thing is Ed Boon claimed there would be no loot boxes, but the game introduces three currencies, one of which is literally called a “premium currency”, much like those free to play mobile games. The entire economy of the game is based around microtransactions, and The Krypt is one big loot box filled with RNG bullshit no one wanted or asked for. You cannot, and I repeat cannot, go onto the internet and look up where to find what you want, since it will be different for everyone. Oh, but don’t worry, you can pay $5.00 (USA) for the outfit you want and up to $20.00 for a pack of them. Know what? Fuck you guys at Netherrealm Studios for doing this. I will not praise you fixing this, as it is a problem you created in the first place. Just get it fixed.

Let me not forget to mention how you 100% need to be online to keep any of the items you unlock. In order to “protect the online store”, the game has to access the servers in order to validate you actually have the right to have it. I’ve had the servers go down on me a few times, making me lose progress, and my internet took a dump on me another time, which made me lose progress as well. It’s infuriating and anti-consumer.


They're eager for the final scoreFINAL SCORE: 8/10 Nerd Boners

Even with The Krypt, Towers of Time, and the economy of the game completely fucked, it’s a solid 8 out of 10 nerd boners from me. Once the issues have been fixed, if they ever are correctly fixed, then I’ll give it a 10/10.

Should you rent or buy? If you love Mortal Kombat, then get it now. RIGHT NOW. If you like fighting games, then wait a year until the “full version” comes out, with all the fixes, adjustments, and characters available to you right away. I got the Kollector’s Edition and feel very satisfied with my purchase.

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Someone needs to nuke the whales

There are some times in this world when something needs to be nuked. Oh, sure, we have North Korea, China, Russia, and almost the entire Middle East, but…that’s so easy. So boring. So…obvious. Nukes are something to be taken seriously. You can’t hug your kids with nuclear arms. You bring down the wrath of God to your children with nuclear arms, after all.

I know what you’re thinking…you’re sitting here asking, “Why nuke the whales?!” The answer is simple enough: Whales have it coming. I’m a great mind reader and know you’re now asking, “HOW?! WHY?!” Well, I already told you the why, and as for the how? I ask you how is it not obvious? Whales think they are so cool. Even cooler than dolphins and three-toed sloths. Yeah, they have that kind of ego problem. Nothing is cooler than a three-toed sloth, not even a four balled midget.

We’ve known whales were a problem for a very long time, but people got lazy and figured we’d done enough of a number on them after the whaling crews drove them to near extinction. How’s that working out for us? Now whales are making a come back. They take over more space than any animal on Earth, and that’s bullshit. There’s also a ton of evidence to suggest they eat giant squid. Do you know how rare a giant squid is? Neither do I, but they must be pretty rare to have only been captured on camera once by the Discovery Channel.

In order to prevent the destruction and extinction as something noble and might as the giant squid, we must finish the job of our forefathers and strike NOW! We must put an end to the whale’s terror of sinking ships, swallowing helpless fish, and destroying the photo-plankton of our oceans! Think of the children, for god’s sake! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Besides…gotta nuke SOMETHING.

A change in lifestyle for a better life (Anyone can do it!)

Hello there, fellow Ramblers! Isn’t life wonderful? I sure know it is! I’ve been shown the light in my dark ways and have finally decided to do something about it: Change my lifestyle for a better life! Want to know the secret? The secret is that it’s no secret! ANYONE CAN DO THIS!

You see, I used to love fatty foods, sugar filled foods, and even caffeine. I’ve decided to cut all of that out and eat only bland foods. You see, with foods having no flavor, I have no drive to eat them. This in turn causes a lot of weight loss and prevention of gluttony. Things like celery and iceberg lettuce is key here. Eat a lot of it. Don’t add peanut butter, though, as it has sugar and flavor. Don’t eat meat, because meat is murder. Don’t believe me? Meat actually stands for Murder Every Animal Today! It’s TRUE! GOOGLE IT! The devil is in the details and the devil is what is making you desire it all.

I’ve also started to partake in more outdoor activities. Here I am sneaking up a deer, our friend in the animal kingdom. Exercise is a great way of getting exercise when you don’t even know it’s happening. By utilizing exercise, you’re losing more weight and working off your lettuce and celery. That’s SUPER important. Also with exercise, especially when you don’t know you’re getting exercise, you’ll meet lots of great people! Just like the people I met who helped me get into better exercise and understand my terrible way of life! It’s as if my brain has been scrubbed spotless and I’m all shiny inside now.

Something else I’ve been made to understand is sarcasm is deadly, deadly, deadly, and unwanted! You should never be sarcastic. It hurt’s people’s feelings and you’re not just lying to everyone you’re talking to, but to yourself as well. No one likes to be lied to, and that includes yourself to yourself. Talk about being rude! You shouldn’t do it. Just be honest. Unless you’re talking to the government, then just don’t talk. NEVER TALK! They’ll try, but you don’t want that to happen. Just keep your mouth shut! That’s like…six of the twenty rules I learned.

I’ve decided I needed guns. Lots and lots of guns. No, seriously, more guns. More guns than that. Having them for zombies is silly, unless you’re talking about the corporate zombies out there taking our wealth and not sharing it with the rest of us! I mean, come on! One of the first things you learn is a child is how to share, and these fat cats and government a-holes are hoarding it from us one penny at a time. We must all come to terms with this and take back what is rightfully ours! Well, it’s theirs, but it should be ours! ONE, TWO, TREE FOUR! ESCALATE THE CLASS WAR! FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT! KILL THE BOSSES AND FIGHT THE STATE!

With just a few easy changes to your life, you, too, can achieve this happiness! Join me and my new friends now. We’ll love to have you!


No Gods, No Masters!

Book Update – Low Def Cover Sample

Well, things are moving forward.  Everything is formatted and the front page cover art is completely finished!  Here’s a nice little sample of the book cover.  The back page (left) is a WIP while the front is done.

I am very excited about it all and cannot wait to get it up for everyone.  The book I mean…you knew that, though…I hope.

Remember when game developers cared? (s)

When people remember the good ‘ole days, it’s usually just because of nostalgia and not because things actually were better.  Well, it may have been better for them as a whole, like when really old people remember when it was better with blacks “in their place”, but that’s not what I’m talking about here.  Not to say all old people or old people in generally are racist.  Look, I know how you people on the Internet do with your moronic white knighting.  Chill out.

What I’m talking about in this entry is when game developers actually cared and did something about cheating or problems with their games. Yeah, believe it or not, there was a time when game developers would actively police their games to ensure a quality experience. Yep, that goes as far as banning cheaters almost immediately. You also didn’t get banned or suspended for playing the single player modes in ways you wanted to, or in ways the developers didn’t intend. Hell, half the time the fun was finding ways to break the game in your favor.

These days with instant hot patching and always on internet access, game developers are punishing players for playing the way they want in the single player modes and forcing people into their shitfest-second fiddle-thrown in just so they can claim to have a multiplayer experience-hack filled multiplayer while not addressing the hacking nor cheating. Look, multiplayer can be great, but game developers need to stop focusing on it or adding it just for fuck all’s reason.

I remember when UbiSoft cared about their multiplayer with Far Cry 1. I can’t speak for FC2 since I never touched the MP part of it. When people would hack and cheat, UbiSoft would ban accounts and even CD Keys. Now? Nope. FC3 and FC4 are filled with hacks and what does UbiSoft do? Suggest you play with friends. When people were hacking on Counter Strike, what did the devs do? MASSIVE ban waves every week! Battlefield 4 is full of hackers and what does DiCE do? Tell you not to make it public, use the Battlelog to submit the report, and then if the player doesn’t affect the leaderboard, they ignore it. Report enough cheaters, with evidence, and YOUR account gets suspended! The hacking and not giving a shit about it by DiCE is so bad, even mentioning the presence of cheating on their forums or on Battlelog gets the post removed almost immediately and your account deactivated for a minimum of 3 days. WTF, guys?!

It’s not just the developers, either. When did people who paid for something stop giving a shit about how unusable it is? When did people who paid for something and had the power to regulate its use stop giving a shit? What is wrong with ALL OF YOU?!

When the Vato Loco Gang clan on Battlefield 3 had a server, we policed it every day. There is a reason we were ranked #3 in the world for favorites and people constantly fought to get into the server, begging for VIP access and even offering to pay for premium spots. Why? Because we ran it like the game SHOULD have been. We banned cheaters, kicked laggers, and made sure people were having FUN rather than dealing with cheating fucks. These days, people are putting up rules for their server, and then not doing anything about it when people hack, cheat, glitch, or go against the server rules. If you aren’t going to enforce fair play, then don’t buy a server.

Destiny is so full of hackers, the PvP is pointless to play, but guess what? Bungie sure as hell forces you to play it. Do they care about it? Yes and no. Fuck no from the point of you enjoying it or banning cheaters. Yes in the way they balance EVERYTHING in the game, which is MMO based, to cater to PvP’tards who cry. Bungie has shown how little they give a shit about the actual RPG aspect of their RPG side, since their changes have made the PvE section a massive struggle thanks to mind boggling weapon balances (in order to cater to PvP’tards who cry), while demonstrating, through their own patch notes, they can EASILY separate PvP and PvE weapon damage! Oh, but don’t worry, they are banning people…who are listed as “unhelpful” or “inactive” on strikes. Not cheating, not lagging, not hacking…but unhelpful… Fuck you, Bungie. Three times. No lube.

Yes, I am RAGING right now. I am beyond fucking pissed off. What the fuck is wrong with developers these days? They act like WE need THEM, when in reality THEY need US, especially with bloated budgets and lowing profit margins. Fuck you, assholes. Start policing your god damn games instead of waiting until all of your expansions are out to get the extra money.

DC Comics characters with disabilities – Nerd Speak #1

For the first installment of Nerd Speak, we join Sunrie and Wyldfyre as they discuss DC Comic characters with disabilities which negate their super abilities.


#1 – Flash: Diabetes with no legs or has Parkinson

Sunrie: Imagine the Flash being so fat he ended up with Type II Diabetes! That super speed sure as hell isn’t helping now, is it, fatty? Seventy six hot dogs an hour isn’t exactly the best diet!

Wyldfyre: Or a the best for speed! Or even seventy six hot dogs a minute. I’m sure he can speed digest. I mean, I don’t know that…but…you know…

Sunrie: I know Michael Phelps has one hell of a caloric intake each day, but can you imagine what this guy must go through? What if no one told him about limiting his sugar intake?

Wyldfyre: He’s got, like, speed diabetes! He has to take those shots every five seconds. “Fuck! I broke that needle off in my asshole, guys!” Yeah, they’re super heroes, but they’re only human, too. Bad things can happen them at the worst times. “I’m fighting my arch-nemesis, but I got the dye-bet-as!”

Sunrie: True enough…what if he had that Michale J. Fox thing…Parkinsons?

Wyldfyre: Oh, god, dude. yes, he’d shake so fast he would end up, like, takING a nap and end up in dinosaur era, or some time in the future when everyone has his powers. The problem is, they wouldn’t have Parkinsons, so he could see what his life would be like. Better yet, he would phase! He’d shake so fast he’d end up in the center of the Earth. He’s phased before.

Sunrie: No shit…

Wyldfyre: Would lava hurt you if you’re phased? Would you just come out the other side like the Earth just cummed you out? You know, like the Earth just shit you out?

Sunrie: I think it’s time to move on…


#2 – Superman: Xeroderma pigmentosum

Sunrie: “Hey, guys, I’m powered by the sun, but that sun kills me. Fuck you! I’m only going out at night!”

Wyldfyre: “I’m the night time super hero! If a train goes off the cliff at noon, then you’re on your own, so fuck you!”

Sunrie: “Oh, the sun is so bright and scary…let the day time guys take care of that!”

Wyldfyre: “I”m not a man…I’m a SUPERMAN!” First, it’s a normal day for Clark Kent, but he walks out the door and beam of sunlight hits his arm catches on fire. He starts running, screaming cause he’s on fire… The very thing that gives him power is his second kryptonite.

Sunrie: He’d be a total night owl.

Wyldfyre: Yeah, he’d be a fat bastard like the Flash, jerking off to Internet porn all day. “Ooooooh, Louis Lane! I’d love to get with you, but the sun burns me!” Kind of like the Thundercats enemies who can’t go in the daytime. I mean…even the moon reflects the sun.

Sunrie: I don’t think as much…but if he’s out all night and not in the day I’m sure he could still get a suntan. Which brings up a good question I’ve always wondered: Why isn’t Superman at least as orange as one of those cock-suckers from Jersey Shore?

Wyldfyre: Yes…the good thing, though, is he doesn’t have to put up with Snooky. Fucking Superman.


#3 – Lex Luthor: Brain tumor

Wyldfyre: I can see this. All bad shit! I envision the Justice League seeing a 20K” TV, which Batman bought, and he laughs, “Hahahah, guys! I did…uh…something…to piss…uh…SOMEONE off…What did I do? Hold on, I got a phone call…uh, hello? Uh huh…yeah…what?” This is all going on during the screen time with the Justice League. It’s really awkward.

Sunrie: He’s around a level 9 intelligence or some bullshit, and his brain is being eaten away like Steven Hawking’s legs.

Wyldfyre: Dude…

Sunrie: What?

Wyldfyre: Nothing. I’m sure he did get cancer at one point.

Sunrie: No…I think the only reason he wore the suit to fight Superman, if that’s what you’re thinking.

Wyldfyre: No, he got cancer. Let me check the Wiki!

Sunrie: Oh dear god…

Wyldfyre: Says he cured cancer! Oh, this is about the wrestler…oh, no wait…no it isn’t. Turns out he did get cancer by wearing a kryptonite ring!

Sunrie: HAHAHAH! What a fucktard!

Wyldfyre: Why didn’t they realize there was some radiation if it was affecting Superman?

Sunrie: Uh…because DC and fuck you?


#4 – Batman: Afraid of the dark

Sunrie: Technically, bats don’t see in the dark, they use ultra-sonic…some shit or another…to find their way. It’s basically Doppler radar, but they don’t have to pay for it. It’s kind of cool. From what I can tell, Batman has all the features of a bat on his outfit, without the cool powers.

Wyldfyre: Pretty much. He’s, like, the spoiled rich bitch, who can order everything through E-bay. He can take down all the other characters, because they were stupid enough to tell him.

Sunrie: I would never tell anyone my weakness! Pussy doesn’t count, because I’m a man.

Wyldfyre: If Batman was afraid of a the dark, would he be screaming for Alfred to hold his hand as he goes back up to the mansion? He’d have to call himself Daywalker or something. “I am vengeance, I am the DAY!!! I AM DAYWALKER!”

Sunrie: I’m sure there is a super hero named Daywalker, but don’t quote me on that.

Wyldfyre: He’d HAVE to change his name! Birdman would suck, and he’s already an attorney. Lemur-Man? He’d have to be like Sunlight man. His outfit would have a smiling sun drawn by some four year old.

Sunrie: Captain Sunshine is probably what his name would be. He’d be the happiest super hero ever. He’d be Superman’s arch-enemy, too.

Wyldfyre: The Joker would just turn off the lights and cattle prod him to the penis. That’d suck. I’d hate to die like that. Rant over.

Sunrie: Dude…what the fuck?


#5 – Martian Manhunter: Xenophobe

Sunrie: I’ve never really understood or even know shit about Martian Manhunter. I know his name is John or some stupid shit…because, you know, that’s a god damn Martian name. Why are Martians always green? Even Cowboy Bebop had Spike who had green hair.

Wyldfyre: Spike wasn’t an alien, was he?

Sunrie: He was from Mars.

Wyldfyre: Oh, that’s right. Martian Manhunter is like the Charlie Brown of the DC Universe. He changes into a human to keep people from knowing aliens are among them, except, you know, SUPERMAN!

Sunrie: I was going to bring that up.

Wyldfyre: Yeah, in the animated series, I’m sure he’s a black guy, so, you know, equally useless.

Sunrie: I don’t know how to argue…

Wyldfyre: He’d hate all humans because, to him, WE are the aliens. He’d have a hick accent and speak like Foghorn Leghorn. His people taught us to build the pyramids!

Sunrie: Would he want us to leave?

Wyldfyre: Of course! His kind were here first! To him, we’re all higgers!

Sunrie: Higgers???

Wyldfyre: That’s what they call us!

Sunrie: Oh, that makes sense.

Wyldfyre: If he’s drinking at the bar, disguised as a black dude, and someone comes in while he’s drinking, he’d throw a fit because he’d refuse to pay for some higger giving him a drink.

Sunrie: I think we got a little side tracked.

Wyldfyre: Nope.


#6 – Wonder Woman: Afraid of heights

Sunrie: Wonder Woman is a joke, but not on purpose. What good is a lasso which makes people tell the truth? “I have you in a lasso which makes you tell the truth!” she says…followed by him going, “NICE FUCKING TITS!!! I WANT TO FUCK YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING!!!”

Wyldfyre: Let’s give her some arm things…and a god damn lasso, and an invisible god damn jet. That makes so much sense. What if she catches someone and asks something stupid like, “Do you have a crush on me?!” Does it work if you just touch it? Does she have to tell the truth all the time? That would be against the nature of women, anyway.

Sunrie: True, but that’s just a normal stupid thing about her, like the invisible jet itself. We’re going into things which would be a disability besides being a woman.

Wyldfyre: It’s like you don’t want to give her a disability since she was written by a retard, obviously. You have Batman, who’s amazing, you have Superman who’s the Goku of the DC universe, then you have Wonder Woman *retard voice* I have an invisible jet! */retard voice* Let’s just give her an invisible jet!

Sunrie: True. How does she even find that damn thing? I have a hard time imagining her feeling her way through the damn airfield for 20 minutes…or someone crashing into it.

Wyldfyre: If she was afraid of heights, since she can fly now, I can see it all, “Captain Cocksuck is getting away!’ She’d be running while everyone else is taking off and flying, even Batman who’s in his Bat-plane.

Sunrie: Captain Cocksuck???

Wyldfyre: I had to make up a vilian. How about Sergeant Cock’n’balls?

Sunrie: Not better…

Wyldfyre: Anyway, what if she had to climb a tower and was the only one who could get up there? Imagine a bomb which would destroy all time and space, but she’s the only hope. Would she shit herself after fifteen feet? Can you imagine shit through that g-string she wears? It’d be like a cheese grader!

Sunrie: It’d be chocolate rain…just don’t drink it.

Wyldfyre: Back on the plane: Why would someone from Greek mythology need an invisible JET?! I WANT TO KICK THE WRITER IN THE NUTS!!

Sunrie: Again, because DC and fuck you.

Wyldfyre: Batman’s like, “Everyone can fly now but me, what the fuck, man?”


#7 – Green Lantern: Germaphobe

Wyldfyre: So, would they have to put him in a bubble? Well, not everyone who has this disease is in a bubble, but what if they had to?

Sunrie: He’d be like a hamster in a wheel, which would be hilarious.

Wyldfyre: The act of him putting that ring on itself is what made him so sick. The aliens didn’t realize the human immune system was so fragile. Sadly, the bubble couldn’t be a construct of his own power, it has to be an actual bubble.

Sunrie: His powers also couldn’t go outside of the bubble. He’d never get with a woman…ever.

Wyldfyre: Yeah, he’d be all like, “All the day, and black of night, no woman will escape my sight!” He’d be fucking a green version of the chick he always wanted, but his dick is flopping all over the place.

Sunrie: It’d be like Game of Thrones, but his dick would be hard. Still, would his own dick snot make him sicker?

Wyldfyre: It is coming from him…he’d probably clean it up with some magic Mr. Clean who’s all green and shit.


#8 – Joker: Tree huger

Wyldfyre: I can actually kind of see this! Batman would be at a peace rally and Joker is chanting, “Stop this war! Stop this war!” Batman is just chilling when Joker turns to him and asks if he knows how he got the scars. Turns out Joker got the scars from hugging a tree and the bark cut his face up.

Sunrie: Well, Liberalism is a mental illness. So, this is plausible.

Wyldfyre: Joker would have to call himself like, Flower Spit, since he turned over a new leaf.

Sunrie: That’s a really bad pun…

Wyldfyre: Well, I like it…I really like it!

Sunrie: I’m just glad we didn’t go with the obvious of Joker not being funny.