Little Known Legendary Creatures #4 – Trouser Snake


In the fourth installment of Little Known Legendary Creatures, we take a look at the mysterious trouser snake. A creature, which unsurprisingly, has a very infamous stigma surrounding it. While the trouser snake may seem whimsical and friendly, it holds a deadly poison.


Origin
Coming from Norse mythology, the Trouser Snake is also known to the Aboriginals of Australia as the Hissing Serpent which is the unemployed younger brother, who lives in the space above their parent’s garage, of the Rainbow Serpent. The Norse speak stories of trouser snake being what became of a piece of torn flesh from Jörmungandr when Thor attempted to fish it up from the sea.

According to a written report by one fearful Viking:

I was so careful, but in the end, I was foolish. May the Valkyries take me to Valhalla now, though I am doubtful. There I was, teasing the woman, when I became very aroused and was about to make her mine when suddenly, from a sock and coiled away, the trouser snake did come out. Frothing at the mouth, the trouser snake spewed its white venom all over my wife, some even landing on my face and stomach as well. Going limp and hiding away, the trouser snake retreated, leaving my wife ill for months at a time, and gaining considerable weight for at least nine months.

Interestingly, there are accounts of multiple types of trouser snake as well. We find at least two different types in the Falsum Libro Daemones, the Even Lesser Key of Solomon the King:

The seventy sixth plus eleven times three spirit is the reiða bregða. This creature adorns itself in a stylish garment intended to cover the legs of men, and man like women, but only uses one hole. Pulling tension around the middle of the garment where the creature is nestled in to, it will bounce up and down while dancing, shift in warm weather, and even retract in the cold, all while coiled up deep inside.

Reiða bregða thrives in warm climates, such as Florida, and marks its territory by spitting in dark, damp caves a potent white venom. Often times it will swell up when faced with predators or when trying to impress a mate. The venom is known to make those who come in contact with it sick for months and gain weight until it is lost nine months later.

The first known reiða bregða is the one eyed variety. The second known reiða bregða is the hooded species. While the one eyed variety is very aware of its surroundings and often looks to be smiling, the hooded species likes to hide its face in its own neck while collecting cheese.

In modern day, the trouser snake is warned to be on the prowl in high schools and colleges.


Powers
Known to wear pants, the Trouser Snake gets them through magical, but mundane, means. Because Trouser Sanke is unemployed, the belief is he receives his pants as gifts from his parents or hand-me-downs from his older brother. Because he is a god level creature, his parents and brother have an endless supply of funds in which to purchase him new pants. Since Trouser Snake has no worshipers, he makes no money.

Every known variety of Trouser Snake is known to harness a potent poison, generally white unless it has eaten something which artificially changes the color. According to Mertvoye kniga iz Eksperta, author unknown:

Those of the largest trouser snake do not necessarily hold the most potent of venom. Usually an off white, it stains clothing while making it first sticky and then stiff once dry. Many times the smallest looking of the beasts appear to have the largest venom sacks, but this is not always the case. Should the trouser snake eat specific items, the white venom has been known to even glow in the dark.

Any number of trouser snake has the ability to strike with its venom, but not all of them actually harness the potent poison in their stream. In rare occasions, the venom delivery is simply there for show, and for whatever reason, the trouser snake does not have any potency.


Residency
They live all around the world, no matter the climate, and have gathered abilities in order to survive. The largest of the Trouser Snakes are said to make their home in Africa, while the smallest in Asian and Canada. Even when living in different environments, the one thing in common among them all is the fact they are housed inside trousers of some sort, hence the name.

Mertvoye kniga iz Eksperta, author unknown:

Living among every expanse of land humans do, the Trouser Snake shifts about in trousers where it hides from predators and attempts to entice mates. Trying to blend in, the youngest of the Trouser Snakes often over compensate and puff themselves up the most, making them the most noticeable, though they do not have the stamina to go toe-to-toe with the most experienced Trouser Snakes.

Unlike most other legendary creatures, this one does not have a specific home of its own and instead prefers to make its dwellings among everyone.


Summoning and Spiritual Rankings
Nothing special is needed to summon for the Trouser Snake. Simply walking down the street is enough to spot one if you’re looking for it. They are known to be drawn to large gatherings of people, especially dance clubs, where they will often rub up against you while puffing up to impress a mate.

Rank: Common Citizen
Sign: 1° – 69° Capricorn (December 24 to January 1)
Time of Day: Twilight (The night isn’t quite there; The Day isn’t quite over; Scott Baio is plowing some chick he doesn’t even know the name of)
Planet: Tau Boötis b
Command: Two stones and a helmet
Tarot Card: Laughing Giraffe

Dear Black People: Here’s a List of Things Everyone Wishes You’d Stop Doing

These are simple requests. Easy requests. But we’re not holding our breath.

Nigga, please!
There are a few things every race, nationality, ethnicity, sexual orientation…hell, EVERYONE…would like you to stop doing. They’re not complicated things. Just things that will benefit not everyone else around you, but your own race as well. By “benefit”, we all mean once you put these suggestions to use, it’ll make you tolerable person. Not a great person. Not a good person. Just a tolerable person. Being a tolerable person means people can stand to be around you for more than five seconds. It’s a win-meh situation. So just take a moment for the list below. Everyone will be glad you did.

1. Wash your hair. We’ve asked you this a million times. It doesn’t matter if you’re “growing out some sweet dreads/cornrows”. Either of those on an adult is proof positive you have absolutely no understanding between right and wrong at first glance.

2. Start understanding answers to questions. Stop going around in circles chasing your tail trying to confuse people into giving you something you don’t deserve.

3. Stop screaming in theatres. You’re there to watch what is going on during the movie and your flapping gums is not adding to the scenes. Shut the fuck up once in a while. We’d rather not listen to who you were recently fucking and how nasty he or she was while watching Star Wars.

4. Stop niggering up “white” foods. A tuna sandwich is just fine being a tuna sandwich. Collard greens are fucking disgusting. Sweet potatoes are like a desert and are even better with butter and cinnamon.

5. Stop claiming shit isn’t a trend when it obviously is. Like shaving your “rap name” into the back of your head or making cuts into your eyebrows to be different. That shit came and went. It’s not a culture so much as a moron trying to start something moronic.

6. Stop thinking only black people can make soul music. The only people who can’t create soul music are the Japanese and gingers because they don’t have souls.

7. Stop screaming “racism” every time someone who isn’t black does something you don’t like. Guess what? Someone might not like you just because you’re a piece of shit and it didn’t occur to them you’re focused on skin color. Stop being a racist piece of shit.

8. STOP MAKING OVER SEASONED FOOD! If your food was flavorful or good to begin with, you wouldn’t have to cover it with more seasoning than a Hindu village! Sometimes french fries taste good simply because they’re french fries!

9. Stop acting like Africa is the greatest place ever and how you’re so proud of it and we’ll all stop telling you to go back to it. If you’re from America, be proud to be an American. You don’t have to fucking claim to be African, especially if you’ve never been and six of your generations were born here.

10. Stop claiming everyone is a redneck. Not everyone is from the south. I’m originally from California. Sure it was southern California, so if anything I’m a wasp, not a redneck. I did my time in the south thanks to the military, and let me tell you, if you even suggest I belong down there in Missouri I’ll break your fucking face. Fuck Missouri.

11. Stop making up names to sound black. Up until the 1970’s those names didn’t exist and they don’t have a real root in African naming…and considering there are around 2000 languages in African, you’d be just as accurate naming yourself Jean Pierre instead of LaNyquil or even Martylenol.

12. Stop “deepest, darkest Africa” a neighborhood and then wonder why people don’t trust you and your demon spawn. You get defensive at everyone when crime goes up because of your extended or immediate family coming in and they’re mad about it. It’s the same situation as when Trayvon Martin went into Andrew Zimmerman’s neighborhood or the Germans went into Poland.

13. Mind your personal space. If you can pick our pocket, you’re too close, and you probably picked our pocket. Prepare to get shot. We carry guns because you steal guns. That and to protect ourselves from the democrats.

14. Stop saying you aren’t as good as everyone else and need special treatment. You are making yourselves victims, and denying that shows how stupid you are.

15. Stop thinking everything belongs to you. Stop stealing our shit. Stop with the drugs. Stop with raping. If you think you don’t, look at the crime statistics, especially in your own neighborhoods where a black man is highly likely to be killed by another black man.

16. Stop thinking the democrats are out to save you. Democrats started Jim Crow laws and fought to keep segregation for a long time. The Klu Klux Klan were founded as a Democrat organization. They keep saying you aren’t good enough and need “white man help”. You’re good enough on your own.

17. Please, for the love of god, use lotion and soap. We can smell you and it looks like you’re trying to salt everything with all the ash.

18. Stop acting like you should go first just because of your skin color and victim mentality. Yeah, we know you do it consciously.

19. Stop having fights at the dining table. The rest of us don’t want to have to kill someone in self defense because you can’t pay the fucking check or refuse to tip. But, since you do number 3, I guess it’s to be expected.

20. Stop throwing the fact your black in everyone’s face. We can see you’re black. Feel like be exclusive? Feel like acting like a retarded moron? We do hate you when you do this #niggernignignig

21. Stop resisting arrest while screaming about racism. Stop looting. Stop all the god damn riots every time a black man gets arrested. I’d say we don’t know where you find the time, but let’s face it, you don’t work.

22. Stop telling us how you can’t be racist. You are. More than most people. We don’t care if you don’t like white people or Chinese people, or even Jews. We get it. You don’t care about anyone who isn’t black. Move on. Grow up.

See? There’s nothing too tough or illogical about this list. This should be taught in elementary school, but according to your mentality and how you act, we’re sure you’d claim it’s too difficult for your negro brains to grasp, making it racist.

Sincerely,

Everyone on the planet.


This is a direct response to a moronic post highlighted by TheSafestSpace on Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheSafestSpace/status/781616441984479232

Inappropriate battle cries


Ah, yes, the battle cry! Nothing like striking terror into your enemy while also psyching yourself, and possibly others, up. Some cries are better than others, and unless you do a good war face with it, even the best battle cry won’t be used to its full potential. Your war face is up to you, since this is going to only be about battle cries.

Now, what you are NOT going to learn here are battle cries which are appropriate. What I’m going to be covering are battle cries, with or without context, just…well, they’re going to make everyone around you uncomfortable. Maybe these will be effective because it makes people uncomfortable, who knows?

If you’re wondering what the picture has to do with the article…nothing really. I just think pugs are fucking awesome.


Grease me up, I’m going in!
This battle cry would be best served when going after someone who is fat or into a crowd of people. I can’t imagine when this would ever be appropriate, even when chasing an actual pig. What I definitely like about this one is you can use it against any number of opponents and it works.
 
 
Shirts versus skins; Which team do you want?!
Really more of a one-on-one or a group-vs-group type of battle cry. For bonus points, you should think about already taking your shirt off as you say the second part. You can always add, “Skin versus Skin is fine with me!” To really drive it home, start taking off your pants, but leave your shirt alone.
 
 
Time to mount this asshole!
Unless you’re staring in a porno or about to literally slam some ass, there’s really no reason to ever scream this while being serious. If your opponent doesn’t look worried or even run, it’s time to have a serious thought if you want to fight them.
 
 
FOR AGATHA!!!!
I don’t know an Agatha and I have no idea why you’d scream it, but the confusion it will impart would be worth it. Seriously, though, people may think you’re a fan of Agatha Christie or something, which could mean you’re about to murder them.
 
 
Time to be MOIST!
Trust me, if you heard someone scream this as they are entering a fight, it’s time to just back the hell out. A man or woman screaming this is equally wrong on all levels. The last thing I’d want in a fight is someone being moist, regardless of context.
 
 
Stink finger!!!
Just like hearing someone shouting how they will be moist, anyone shouting this is bound to have serious problems. We all know what a stink finger is, and regardless of gender, if someone is excited about getting one, you’re in trouble. I…I honestly don’t even…
 
 
It’s huggin’ time!
Unless this is either Teddy Ruxpin or Whinnie the Pooh, fuck no…just, no…
 
 
I consulted my doctor!
Why and what for? Who the hell cares! For whatever reason someone consulted their doctor before joining the fight. Do you want to find out why? Does anyone? Nope…absolutely not…
 
 
Boners rule!
Uh…yeah. There is no reason for someone to scream this, and if they have one, well…just get out of the fight.
 
 
SURPRISE!!!!
This means there is either surprise sex in the process of occurring, or someone is getting donkey punched with a very heavy object.
 
 
Pppp..pppu…PUSSY POWER!
It’s along the same lines of “Boners rule!”, but a little more disturbing. A nice little take on “Ppppuuuppy power!” screamed by Scrappy Doo, it’s just not something you want to hear while engaging or preparing to engage in a fight. Should you hear this in conjunction with, “Time to be MOIST!”, just start shooting.
 
 
Three out of four dentists agree!
Agree on what? Why dentists? How come the fourth dentist didn’t agree on it? Am…am I high right now? Probably.
 
 
Troll balls!
As we all know, or should know, trolls have three pairs of balls and are generally sweaty. Is this something you want someone to be proudly yelling about before entering into the fight? No.
 
 
RED ROCKET!
If you don’t know what a red rocket is, Google it. Trust me, it’s not something you need to hear shouted with gusto. Chances are your kids will know what a red rocket is even if you don’t, so imagine them telling you what it’s all about. It’s like getting the sex talk from your child.
 
 
Powder me titties!
When a woman screams this, you’re in trouble. Reason being is they are a serious fighter and know a good powdering on their titties is going to help them fight longer. Bare fisted boxers powder their hands…it’s kinda the same thing.
 
 
Anything in Arabic or claiming Islam
If someone starts saying anything in Arabic or shouts anything about being a Muslim, start shooting without question. They’ll be in it to kill everyone and even if they aren’t, what jury in America will convict you? Well, except the pussies in California or New York.