How I plan to survive the zombie apocolypse

Sure some people think about it jokingly, but do you really have a plan?  I sure as hell do, and I guarantee you that unlike the vast majority of people out there, my plan is actually going to keep me safe.  Why? Because I have enough sense to think in advance the problems there will be.  Here are a few of the points in my Zombie Apocalypse Plan.
1. Preparedness and Awareness
First off, I’m pretty well plugged in to what is going on.  I won’t be hanging out and acting like the characters in Shaun of the Dead.  No way.  Unlike them, I’m a perceptive son-of-a-bitch and will instantly know that there are zombies beginning to appear.  Yeah, kind of like a boy scout, but a man, a manly man who’s out to kick ass. A LOT of ass, actually.

The vast majority of people tend to be surprised when they see a cop on the freeway.  Why?  Because they don’t pay attention.  Nope, not me.  I’m always looking up, out, and around.  I usually spot cops and accidents WAY before everyone else comes up on them.  Yeah, I’m that guy.

Now, I’m not saying that I have a huge storage of food, water, toilet paper, or any of that kind of paranoid, pussy crap.  No!  I am mentally prepared, which is better than being regular prepared because I said so.  If you’re ready to do what it takes mentally, then you have what it takes to get shit done.  This brings me up to the next part of my plan.
2. Fit Mind and Body
<Keeanu Reeve’s voice>I know Kung Fu.</Keeanu Reeve’s voice> Well, okay, I know a few mixes of martial arts.  Hand to hand combat is essential for being able to stop a Zombie trying to eat your face at close range.

Know what else martial arts is good for?  Well, balance for one, and focus for another.  Being able to remain calm in a situation where someone or something is trying to kill you is key.  You don’t want to panic.  I won’t panic.  See, I can think at least one step ahead of the zombie, which probably isn’t thinking very much at all.

Another thing I have going for me is working out.  I do quite a bit of cardiovascular exercises and I lift weights.  I might not be huge, but I’m in better shape than most of you out there.  It’s kind of like out running a bear: I only have to run faster and longer than the person next to me.  Funny as it sounds, the movie Zombie Land had it right when he said his number one rule was cardio.  The fatties will definitely be the first to go.

Hell, think about it…would you keep chasing after an elk if it dropped a one pound hamburger with all your favorite fixings?  Well, I probably would only because I love the taste of elk meat, but I would pick up that burger on the way to do so.  If the elk is lucky enough, by the time I finish picking up the burger, I’ve lost it’s trail.  I will SO use you for that distraction, Fatty McFat Fat!

I know, I know, I know…you’re probably thinking, “Yeah, well, when someone is trying to eat your face ‘Crouching Tiger’ turns into ‘Crapping Pants’!  If you were getting eaten by a lion, you’d probably be freaking out.”  That’s true.  I’m not going to pretend otherwise.  This brings me to the other point of my plan.
3. Knowledge and Skill with Weapons
I like guns.  I own guns.  I know how to use guns effectively.  What’s the point of owning guns or running around with a gun if you can’t use it correctly?

My plan is to not only use my guns to my advantage, but use them smart.  How is that?  Well, first of all, don’t just spray and pray.  Only taking shots I know that I can make.

There are a few key notes when dealing with a zombie.  First off, they are like a human on PCP.  That is, they keep getting up and forcing themselves to move even when an arm or other limb is destroyed.  Zombies are always put down when shot in the head.  Head shots from a distance, especially with a pistol is very difficult.  Pistol shots should be reserved for extremely close quarters.

When a zombie is rushing and a pistol shot isn’t going to be a good idea, then go with the shotgun full of buck shot.  While slugs will offer more knock down power, they’re more like a rifle, meaning you have to be much more accurate.  Buck shot offers more shredding power, especially for a head shot.

For medium range, switch over to a good assault rifle.  The ability to riddle a zombie with bullets is nice and all, but you want to conserve your ammunition.  The real reason you want a good assault rifle is for crowd control.  Unlike in video games, one shotgun blast isn’t going to take down five zombies at a time.  A good AR is going to allow you to sweep a group, hopefully tagging each one close to the head or at least making them stagger.

What about a long range attack?  I WILL NOT DO IT!  What’s the point?  The zombies are going to be attracted by the noise of a battle anyway, and the worst thing I can think of is attracting more than I need to.  Why in the world would I try sniping zombies who are over two hundred yards away?  Sneaking is a much better option.

Close range combat is the biggest bitch of them all, but not the end of your life!  Remember what I said about zombies getting put down permanently when you destroy the brain?  Yep, that’s right, I’ll get a good melee weapon.

The staple of every zombie defense is the chainsaw.  However, there is one huge issue I see with using a chainsaw, and that is the noise it creates.  Also, you will run out of gas eventually.  Even if it’s powered by electricity, you aren’t in for a lot of killing, since you’re limited by your extension cord.  Not to mention the start up time.

See, I have swords…lots of swords.  I have two in particular which are made for actual combat.  I also have baseball bats.  Hell, I don’t even have to get my hands on any of those.  Anything is a good enough weapon if you’re thinking, which I know how to do, obviously.

Rock on the ground?  Pick it up and bash some skulls!  Is there a construction site nearby?  Well, grab yourself some wooden planks, hammers, wrenches, what have you and you’re set.  I think about this, which is why I’m going to survive.

Oh, and going back to that crowd thing…let me bring up my next point on how I plan to survive the coming Zombie Apocalypse.
4. Steer clear of the crowds
You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Run to the mall!” or even “Get to the gun store!”, but more than likely, “Get out of town!”

That is exactly why ~I~ am going to survive the Zombie Apocalypse and you are going to die!

I’m not saying to be a hermit.  Absolutely not.  What I’m saying is to be smart about things.  I understand that while the world is being eaten around everyone, they are going to panic.  When people panic, people get stupid, when people get stupid, they think less than they already do.  What will end up happening is everyone getting on the roads at  the same time.  One man’s traffic jam is a zombie’s buffet.  I also know how to ride a motorcycle both on and off road, which will aid me in maneuvering around everyone else.

Thanks to zombie films, people will want to rush over to the mall.  Doing so will be a fatal flaw in many people’s plans.  Since people are going to be rushing there, they will undoubtedly leave doors open, break open windows, and crowd together for a nice meal-in-a-box.  It’ll be the restaurant of zombie choice.  So, no thank you!

I had brought up how I will have some firearms with me in the previous part of my plan. Well, you’re stupid for thinking that you’re going to rush over to a gun store and just take some guns.  People who sell guns generally like guns, own guns, and know how to use guns.  They aren’t going to let you take their life line from them!  I sure as hell wouldn’t.  More than likely, you’ll have your face shot off before you even make it to the front door.  Besides, even if you do make it to the front door, what makes you think they’ll just let you in?

My plan is to know where my safer locations are and give it a few if I get caught up in the shit of it.  Once things start to calm down a little bit, I can move around much more safely and freely.  I’m not stupid enough to go up into the high country towns for some mountain living, either.  Nope, I’m good enough to survive in some of the deeper mines and caves in this state.  After getting a few essentials at some sport shops, I’ll be all hooked up.  Oh, and don’t confuse me with someone stupid enough to cook out in the open where the zombies can see the smoke and smell the food.
5. Final Survival Length
Well, I’d give myself until they all starved to death, except for one huge issue.  As one of my buddies once stated, he gives me a year before I remember that the H1Z3 virus is a sexually transmitted disease, and I catch it.

I mean, you’d eventually hit that ass to the right, too…right?


Obama: “They aren’t zombies, they are enemy eaters!”

Posted 4/27/2010 at 3:25 PM on Xanga

Why monsters aren’t scary

Let’s face it, all monsters suck.  What’s so scary about monsters anyway?  Every single one of them have a huge weakness which can be exploited in order to survive.  Most of these weaknesses are things accessible to a child in kindergarten.  I’m going to map all these things out so you can all stop crapping your pants when you encounter or think you’re about to encounter one of these pathetic creatures.

          1. Zombies

            Alleged Scariness
            Never ending hoard of flesh eating undead.

            Zombies aren’t scary and you’re pathetic if you think they are.  Sure, they might seem to never tire, but generally they move extremely slow.  Even when they are depicted as moving very quickly, zombies are one of the most pathetic monsters ever.

            Running from zombies?  Just bash one in the freaking skull and it dies.  One bullet to the brain is all it takes.  Low on ammunition?  Throw a few ribs you got from the grocery store to distract it.  Gee…so scary!

          2. Vampires

            Alleged Scariness
            They stalk the night, hiding around every corner.  Once bitten, you turn into one of their kind, forever living and drinking the blood of others to survive.

            Not as pathetic as zombies, but you’re still a wuss if you’re scared of vampires.  Vampires can’t survive in the daylight, so there’s at least 12 hours you’re safe from them.  Hell, depending on where you live, there’s possibly months where you could go without having to worry.  Sure there would be months of these things crawling around, but there’s other defenses.  Just put up some freaking UV lamps!  Thousands of potheads who grow their stash in their houses are already set up to defend themselves.

            You can be rest assured there would never, ever be an Italian vampire.  Why?  Because vampires hate garlic and seem to die if they get near it.  Ever meet an Italian who doesn’t like garlic or smell like garlic?  Yeah, me neither, and that goes for myself, being the sexy Italian I am.

            Oh, and back to the daylight…vampires sleep during the day and seem to be pretty much powerless.  A wooden stake through the heart does them in rather quickly.  Kicking one over on a wooden fence would do the trick.  Pretty pathetic death if you ask me.

            Religious symbols often kill or force vampires away as well.  So, pretty much mark a cross on your neck with a crayon or permanent marker and you’re protected.

            Running from a vampire?  It’s like running from a bear: You only have to outrun the other guy.  The vampire is going to attack whoever is the slowest, much like any other creature in existence.

            Lastly, most vampires are pretty much simply interested in sex, so there’s not much to be worried about.  Let’s face it, while oddballs by nature, vampire chicks are hot as hell and I’d be willing to bang the hell out of one for immortality.  Don’t try to lie, either, because you would, too.

          3. Wolfman

            Alleged Scariness
            During the full moon, the cursed transforms into a ravage wolf, killing all who get in the way!

            Are you seriously afraid of this thing?  Wow…once a month (twice a month every once in a while), huh?  So, one or two days out of thirty I have to look around for this thing?  Yeah, I’m not too worried.

            Look, it’s basically a giant dog.  There’s two things right off the bat you can do.  One is simply carry around a tennis ball.  When the werewolf is coming near you, throw the ball.  The natural instinct of the dog part of the wolfman will force the creature to go chasing after it.  You now have more than enough time to escape.  The other option right off the bat is to simply throw some lunch meat on the ground and run.  You think the werewolf is going to chase you instead of stopping for the easy meal?  I sure as hell wouldn’t.  If I was chasing a chicken and it threw down some hotdogs, I’m going to get those damn hotdogs first.

            Silver kills wolfmen, and there is nothing in the rules saying it has to be a silver bullet.  Carry a silver fork around with you and jab the thing.  Once that’s done, the wolfman will transform back into what they look like the rest of the month: Fat, balding business man who gets absolutely no respect at their pencil pushing job.

          4. The Blob 

            Alleged Scariness
            It creeps and leaps and glides and slides across the floor.  Right through the door and all around the wall.  A splotch, a blotch!

            The blob is just plain stupid.  Simply get something cold and the blob retreats, if not turning into a crystal.  Get yourself a fire extinguisher and you’re fine.  If you’re anywhere that remains cold for any length of time (even Summit County, Colorado), there is no need to ever worry about this monster.

          5. Fishmen/Lagoon Creatures

            Alleged Scariness
            Hides in the water, clawing and mauling all who come near.

            It’s a fucking fish-man!  Dumping milk into the water can kill these things.  Just stay out of the lagoon these things reside in.

So, really there you have it.  As you can see, if you’re afraid of any of these things, you’re a huge ‘tard.  There’s nothing to be worried about now when you encounter any of these things.  You can send me a check for the advice later.

Posted 6/14/2008 at 4:24 AM on Xanga