There are some times in this world when something needs to be nuked. Oh, sure, we have North Korea, China, Russia, and almost the entire Middle East, but…that’s so easy. So boring. So…obvious. Nukes are something to be taken seriously. You can’t hug your kids with nuclear arms. You bring down the wrath of God to your children with nuclear arms, after all.
I know what you’re thinking…you’re sitting here asking, “Why nuke the whales?!” The answer is simple enough: Whales have it coming. I’m a great mind reader and know you’re now asking, “HOW?! WHY?!” Well, I already told you the why, and as for the how? I ask you how is it not obvious? Whales think they are so cool. Even cooler than dolphins and three-toed sloths. Yeah, they have that kind of ego problem. Nothing is cooler than a three-toed sloth, not even a four balled midget.
We’ve known whales were a problem for a very long time, but people got lazy and figured we’d done enough of a number on them after the whaling crews drove them to near extinction. How’s that working out for us? Now whales are making a come back. They take over more space than any animal on Earth, and that’s bullshit. There’s also a ton of evidence to suggest they eat giant squid. Do you know how rare a giant squid is? Neither do I, but they must be pretty rare to have only been captured on camera once by the Discovery Channel.
In order to prevent the destruction and extinction as something noble and might as the giant squid, we must finish the job of our forefathers and strike NOW! We must put an end to the whale’s terror of sinking ships, swallowing helpless fish, and destroying the photo-plankton of our oceans! Think of the children, for god’s sake! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
Besides…gotta nuke SOMETHING.