Revised Employee Handbook from Human Resources (Must Read)

Employee Handbook Revisions

Attention All Employees:

The following are revisions for the 2015 Employee Handbook. Each Employee is expected to read through each rule change and sign off, in agreement, on the bottom of this document. Failure to do so will be grounds of termination.


HR §141-22.4.4 – Work Attire – Ties (Men)
Previously listed as…

…solid colors only with no discernible patterns nor be offensively bright.

Now listed as…

…anything worn by those idiots from the Def Comedy Jam tour…you know what we mean!

 
 
HR §141-22.5.6 – Work Attire – Skirts (Women)
Bringing ourselves into the modern area, this section has been rewritten. Previously listed as…

Skirts for all women must be to the knee or lower. No skirt may be above the knee or have slits of any length.

To show we’re now hip and much more cool, the section now reads as the following:

Skirts for any person must be to the knee or lower. Skirts may not be above the knee, but may have up to a 3″, no longer, slit on one side of the leg or the other. All legs must be shaven.

We live in the now with you.
 
 
HR §215-11.2.3 – Usage of the water-cooler
This section has not been updated since 1952 and we never felt the need to, but we’re bringing ourselves up to the 2015 expectations of such a great company. Previously listed as…

Water coolers may be used by whites only. No niggers, no spics, no kikes! You shouldn’t even be working here if you’re one of those anyway.

It is now listed as…

Water coolers may be used white Caucasians only. No African-Americans, no Hispanics, and no Jews. You shouldn’t have been hired to begin with, except the Jews in our accounting department. Use your own water cooler.

 
 
HR §222-2.22.2.1 and – §222-2.22.2.2 Personal Item Displays in cubicle (NEW ADDITION)
It is important for people to feel comfortable at work and personal items are a great way to do this. We already allow small pictures and even a few toys on your desk, but in the wake of new portable technologies, we have added something new.

*-*.*.*.1- Any cooking item must be properly grounded when plugged in to prevent fires.
*-*.*.*.2- No deep friers are allowed since we like to keep employees somewhat thinner than the norm.

We like fried cheese as much as the next guy, but given we keep most you in your seat for up to twelve hours a day for little pay, we’re going to do our part in helping you stay healthy.
 
 
HR §311-M.D.K – Firearms and other weapons
In order to keep employees safer at the work place, we have revised this section. Previously listed as…

Firearms and other weapons, including but not limited to pocket knives, are prohibited for possession on company grounds. This includes, but is not limited to, the parking lot areas as well.

It is now listed as…

Firearms, other weapons, and anything which may be used as a weapon, such as your own personal pens, scissors, or staple removers, are prohibited to be in your personal possession without supervision from a Manager II or higher. This includes, but is not limited to, the unlit parking lot areas as well. The parking lot is now without lights to keep people from seeing you come and go, which makes you safer, since no one will know you’re there. We are also telling everyone through the media and using roadside billboards to let everyone know our employees pose no threat since they are completely unarmed.

Your safety is one of our top priorities!
 
 
HR §318-1.2.3 – Harassment (Sexual)
Sexual harassment is a real problem. Women don’t have to deal with it, so remember that. Originally listed as…

Any written or spoken comment, graphical depiction, unwanted look, touch or other action, or anything which may be interpreted as a sexual nature is prohibited.

Now listed as…

Just because you’re a fat, ugly or homely bitch doesn’t mean the woman getting more attention than you doesn’t like the attention she’s getting. Maybe she’s loving and asking for it. If you’re an attractive woman and you’re wearing a blouse which shows off 90% of your breast, expect people to look. Don’t wear it or shut the fuck up.

Stick with your own gender for workspace friends if you don’t like how one gender acts toward the other.
 
 
HR §525-2.1.1 – Internet Usage
As people have gotten used to the Internet, its attraction and mystery have begun to wane. As such, we have revised our Internet policy to reflect the changing attitudes of the people. Previously listed as…

Internet usage is to be limited to only work related items such as project research or sending e-mails. No personal web browsing is allowed. Any violation of this will be grounds for termination!

Now listed as…

Internet usage for pornography is to be limited to your 30 minute break. This ensures your finish as 10 minutes is too short. Usage of Facebook is limited to one wall post and one crop watering per day! You may only view on YouTube, but have unlimited time to view, Sunrie Gaming, Speedy and the Crew, and Vanoss Gaming since those guys are hilarious.

We feel this is the best compromise for personal use to balance work related items.
 
 
HR §666 HAIL SATAN!
No revisions. We’re just reminding you.


Please sign below indicating you have read, agree with, and promise to comply with all revisions of the company.

I, ________________________________________, do swear to uphold, with unrelenting courage, all rules and revisions presented to me. HAIL SATAN!

or

I, ________________________________________, formally resign and commend the dark lord to take my soul now. HAIL SATAN!

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Ten lies employers and bosses will tell you


Getting a job sucks. I don’t mean having to work, I mean finding a job you think will prevent you from wanting to commit suicide every single day. The worst part of a job, aside from dealing with a myriad asshats on a daily basis, is going to be your boss. During your application process, you will undoubtedly have an interview with someone who will be your boss. They’re going to lie to you.

There are a lot of sites out there with a list of things employers will tell you when looking for a job. Those lists aren’t things which surprise anyone, so they’re mostly useless. Much like most people. What people need is a post of things your future boss will say to you during the hiring process which are full of absolute shit. Much like what your boss will be. Lucky for you, I have just such a list!


1. I can definitely work around your school schedule
100% absolute bullshit. Your employer isn’t hiring someone they need to work around, they are hiring someone to fill a position with specific requirements. The only way you’ll get hired is if you are close to the end of your semester and they only have to work around you for a few weeks to a month at most. After that, you can go ahead and turn in your updated schedule, but don’t expect for your boss to actually listen.

What is going to happen is you’ll be berated, belittled, and have your hours cut back so much it will be pointless for you to continue working there. Your boss was only willing to work around you when they thought you were going to be doing the same schedule until the end of time and/or you were going to be finished some time soon. Most bosses are stupid. They rise to their level of incompetence and that level is above you. There are exceptions to this rule, but they are far and few between.

No one wants to work around you when you are supposed to be helping with work.


2. I’m hiring you because you are the kind of person I can trust to let me know when I’m wrong
Oh, hell no. This should send up as many red flags you’ll be getting fucked in the ass against your will every ten minutes as a blind date with Robin Thicke. No one hires people to tell them they’re wrong. Your boss isn’t interested in new ways of doing things. They are interested in you doing what they say to do and usually only how they said to do it.

Who likes to be told they’re wrong? No one and your boss is no different. They may not rip you a new asshole right then and there, but your life is about to be made a living nightmare.


3. I’m looking forward to you providing new and interesting ideas
You have ideas? What will happen is you will come in with all these ideas, thinking this is what they want, and everything you come up with will instantly be ignored. Sure, they might “oooh” and “awe” over it, but things will never be implemented. Should your boss actually like your idea, don’t expect any kind of credit. Why would you get credit when they have to make it seem they should stay in their position while you are kept in yours?


4. I’m looking for someone who can become the next manager for the company
Managers are terrified of anyone who can do the job well because it makes them look even worse. Remember that people rise to their level of incompetency, and when you come across as competent, you will never advance. Never excel and you’ll exceed expectations.

When someone says they are looking for the next manager, what they mean is someone who does only what the policy says and things which are in no way company policy but they or the district manager says. District managers are even worse than a store manager in terms of being worthless, so keep that in mind. If you’re seen as someone who could possibly rise through hard work, dedication, and the real ability to do the job, you’re going to get fired.

No one wants someone to work for them who is better at the job all around.


5. I need someone who is a self starter and I don’t have to micromanage them
For most bosses, they love to micromanage. They’ll be on your butt ten times every minute about getting something done, only to pull you off of it and make you do something else. Lather, rinse, repeat…always repeat. I don’t get why…from the way I see it, they don’t have enough to do. Maybe it’s because they’re so incompetent they automatically assume everyone else is as well. If they couldn’t figure out how to do it without a rod up their ass, then you obviously can’t either.

As far as the “self starter” goes, you will never, ever, ever, never self start what they want you to do. No matter how important something seems or how badly something needs to be cleaned, the priority for your boss is different. Self starting means starting what the boss told you to do and not what you think you should do. You’ll always get in trouble for self starting something.


6. We all get along and like to have fun
*laughing uncontrollably* Okay…okay…*deep breath*…I’m…okay…*laughs uncontrollably again for the next fifteen minutes straight*

Phew…now that’s out of my system, let’s discuss this.

Your boss hates it when everyone gets along. Why? Because it’s easier for everyone to gang up against them and complain to the people who can do something about them. “Getting along” at the work site is not the same as getting along with people outside of it. When you’re told “…see people get along…” what they mean is you can work next to each other, saying as little as possible, not be actual friends inside nor, especially, outside of work, and not constantly ledge complaints against one another.

The moment people start to actually get along with each other, you can guarantee the next fake policy your boss comes up with is no one is supposed to be talking to each other while you work. Is it actually policy? Fuck no, but it’s a way of having power over everyone and making sure no one can get together against them. A group of people who get along is dangerous to them.

Having fun? Yeah, having fun means just doing your job, not making jokes, not complaining, and not talking to your co-workers outside of asking business related questions. Sometimes fun might include a pot luck or a pizza, but never laughing, smiling, or actually getting along. If you’re having fun, you obviously aren’t working hard enough and you’ll be punished with it by having more work given to you.


7. We appreciate hard work and reward it
Let me state the obvious: BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

No one rewards your hard work and the only one who appreciates it is you. You’re expected to work hard, so there’s never a reward at the end of the murder tunnel. Even the bright light is stolen before you can even enjoy passing on. You’ll never reach Heaven and Hell is locked off to you. You’re stuck in that deep, dark, damp, murder tunnel until you turn mad and start helping destroying the souls of the next traveler.

Do you want to know what hard work actually is? It’s getting your work done just in time for it to be on time, and, most importantly, getting in as friends with your boss and their boss. That’s it…that’s hard work. You don’t have to be actually good at your current job to be rewarded. You just have to be in with the higher ups in order to get promoted to your level of incompetency, that way you can make everyone under you suffer. You’ll be their boss and you can pass all your work on to them while taking all the credit.

With me, it’s not too much different, except if you try to be my friend I’ll devour your soul without sending you into the murder tunnel. I hate fakers and can recognize talent. If I can reward you, then I will, but if not, then fuck off and keep doing your job.


8. We always have advancement opportunities
Do I really have to explain why this is bullshit? There are never advancement opportunities for the vast majority of employees regardless of ability unless they are in with the higher ups. Period


9. The salary is very competitive
Honestly, what this translates into is, “If you don’t like our offer, good luck somewhere else!” There is no competition when it comes to salary. The jobs all pay the same. If they offer you $12 an hour, the place down the street is going to offer you $12 an hour. Not one company is going to salary match, so don’t even bother. If the shop down the street wants to give you $22.50 when they’re offering $22.00, then go down the god damn street. Trust me, no one wants you to work for them that bad.

You aren’t going to get into a bidding war for your worthless ass. They’re going to hire someone who is willing to take the lower offer even if they aren’t going to be as good as you. Why? Because it’s cheaper for the company every paycheck. Why spend the money on talent when they can get cheap?


10. I’m a very laid back boss
When you hear this, the nuclear attack alarms should be going off in your brain. If you hear a female boss say this, your world is actually going to be filled with the biggest terrors you can’t even picture. Anyone who feels the need to say this is trying to put you into a false sense of security. Once you think everything is all good and calm, your boss will jump out of a closet while wielding dual kama, face painted in blood, a child’s severed head on his belt, while the lights flicker on and off and they scream, “NINJA!!!!!”

The kind of crazy exhibited with these kinds of bosses is on the high end of the bat-shit-crazy-scale. Generally they have random mood swings and are always (I do mean always) drinking a bottle of water. Often times you will see them routinely licking their lips like a crack fiend, too. Nothing good ever comes from that.

If you’re two minutes late, you’ll be screamed at. If you turn a project in a day early, they lose it, get in trouble, blame you, and you’ll be screamed at. They will forget you’re you and not the guy next to you, and you’ll be screamed at, then they’ll turn to the person they thought was you and calmly explain why something was wrong. In general, their attitude is this: Fuck you. Not everyone else, just you.


That should do it for now. Be expecting more entries as they are done. Yes, that makes sense, fuck you.

Fast food workers: How hard is your job?

Seriously…why is it so difficult for people to simply do their job?  I’m not looking for people to meet my standard or any other person’s standard.  I just want them to do the standard written down for them.  Nothing more, nothing less.

The other day I broke down and decided to go to Taco Bell in a neighboring town.  Having not eaten nor slept in over 24 hours because of my work schedule, I got the idea to get myself the Bell Grande meal in order to eliminate the need to go out and get food later as well.

I pulled up and this is how it played out:

“Welcome to Taco Bell.  Would you like to try a value meal today?” -Drive-Thru

“No thank you.  I’d actually like the Bell Grande meal with a Mexican pizza, please.” -Me

“Okay, what combination on that would you like?” -DT

“I’ll do five soft tacos and five burritos with no onions, please.” -Me

“Okay, that’ll be $XX.xx at the second window.” -DT

Now, I heard the total and thought it was a little odd, but hey, I’m tired as hell at this point, starving my brains out, and I just want to get back home.  So, I pull up, pay, and when I’m given my order I notice there is no Mexican pizza.  Am I pissed?  Yes.  Do I say anything?  No.  Why?  Because it was one of those times if I had opened my mouth I would have chewed the guy and I didn’t want to open that can of worms.  I was still in a slight bit of mind set to understand when I don’t need to haul off on someone.

So, figuring that I saved some money, I get home and start to go to town on one of the burritos.  Guess what?  Yeah, there’s onions in there, too.  What…the…hell…  Seriously, what the hell?  There was no person in the restaurant dining in when I drove by, there was one car in front of me and one behind me.  It’s not like they were busy.  How do you screw up an order as simple as mine was?

Working in fast food is NOT rocket science.  Really, it takes no brain power what so ever.  The order is up on the screen and you do what it says.  There are no life or death situations, there is no worrying if your screw up is going to get someone hurt, and here are no career ending actions if you stay within the basic guidelines.

Sure there are some times when the place is slammed to the walls and mistakes can happen.  During those times I can forgive, but I do draw the line.

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Posted 7/8/2008 at 6:1 PM on Xanga