Dear Black People: Here’s a List of Things Everyone Wishes You’d Stop Doing

These are simple requests. Easy requests. But we’re not holding our breath.

Nigga, please!
There are a few things every race, nationality, ethnicity, sexual orientation…hell, EVERYONE…would like you to stop doing. They’re not complicated things. Just things that will benefit not everyone else around you, but your own race as well. By “benefit”, we all mean once you put these suggestions to use, it’ll make you tolerable person. Not a great person. Not a good person. Just a tolerable person. Being a tolerable person means people can stand to be around you for more than five seconds. It’s a win-meh situation. So just take a moment for the list below. Everyone will be glad you did.

1. Wash your hair. We’ve asked you this a million times. It doesn’t matter if you’re “growing out some sweet dreads/cornrows”. Either of those on an adult is proof positive you have absolutely no understanding between right and wrong at first glance.

2. Start understanding answers to questions. Stop going around in circles chasing your tail trying to confuse people into giving you something you don’t deserve.

3. Stop screaming in theatres. You’re there to watch what is going on during the movie and your flapping gums is not adding to the scenes. Shut the fuck up once in a while. We’d rather not listen to who you were recently fucking and how nasty he or she was while watching Star Wars.

4. Stop niggering up “white” foods. A tuna sandwich is just fine being a tuna sandwich. Collard greens are fucking disgusting. Sweet potatoes are like a desert and are even better with butter and cinnamon.

5. Stop claiming shit isn’t a trend when it obviously is. Like shaving your “rap name” into the back of your head or making cuts into your eyebrows to be different. That shit came and went. It’s not a culture so much as a moron trying to start something moronic.

6. Stop thinking only black people can make soul music. The only people who can’t create soul music are the Japanese and gingers because they don’t have souls.

7. Stop screaming “racism” every time someone who isn’t black does something you don’t like. Guess what? Someone might not like you just because you’re a piece of shit and it didn’t occur to them you’re focused on skin color. Stop being a racist piece of shit.

8. STOP MAKING OVER SEASONED FOOD! If your food was flavorful or good to begin with, you wouldn’t have to cover it with more seasoning than a Hindu village! Sometimes french fries taste good simply because they’re french fries!

9. Stop acting like Africa is the greatest place ever and how you’re so proud of it and we’ll all stop telling you to go back to it. If you’re from America, be proud to be an American. You don’t have to fucking claim to be African, especially if you’ve never been and six of your generations were born here.

10. Stop claiming everyone is a redneck. Not everyone is from the south. I’m originally from California. Sure it was southern California, so if anything I’m a wasp, not a redneck. I did my time in the south thanks to the military, and let me tell you, if you even suggest I belong down there in Missouri I’ll break your fucking face. Fuck Missouri.

11. Stop making up names to sound black. Up until the 1970’s those names didn’t exist and they don’t have a real root in African naming…and considering there are around 2000 languages in African, you’d be just as accurate naming yourself Jean Pierre instead of LaNyquil or even Martylenol.

12. Stop “deepest, darkest Africa” a neighborhood and then wonder why people don’t trust you and your demon spawn. You get defensive at everyone when crime goes up because of your extended or immediate family coming in and they’re mad about it. It’s the same situation as when Trayvon Martin went into Andrew Zimmerman’s neighborhood or the Germans went into Poland.

13. Mind your personal space. If you can pick our pocket, you’re too close, and you probably picked our pocket. Prepare to get shot. We carry guns because you steal guns. That and to protect ourselves from the democrats.

14. Stop saying you aren’t as good as everyone else and need special treatment. You are making yourselves victims, and denying that shows how stupid you are.

15. Stop thinking everything belongs to you. Stop stealing our shit. Stop with the drugs. Stop with raping. If you think you don’t, look at the crime statistics, especially in your own neighborhoods where a black man is highly likely to be killed by another black man.

16. Stop thinking the democrats are out to save you. Democrats started Jim Crow laws and fought to keep segregation for a long time. The Klu Klux Klan were founded as a Democrat organization. They keep saying you aren’t good enough and need “white man help”. You’re good enough on your own.

17. Please, for the love of god, use lotion and soap. We can smell you and it looks like you’re trying to salt everything with all the ash.

18. Stop acting like you should go first just because of your skin color and victim mentality. Yeah, we know you do it consciously.

19. Stop having fights at the dining table. The rest of us don’t want to have to kill someone in self defense because you can’t pay the fucking check or refuse to tip. But, since you do number 3, I guess it’s to be expected.

20. Stop throwing the fact your black in everyone’s face. We can see you’re black. Feel like be exclusive? Feel like acting like a retarded moron? We do hate you when you do this #niggernignignig

21. Stop resisting arrest while screaming about racism. Stop looting. Stop all the god damn riots every time a black man gets arrested. I’d say we don’t know where you find the time, but let’s face it, you don’t work.

22. Stop telling us how you can’t be racist. You are. More than most people. We don’t care if you don’t like white people or Chinese people, or even Jews. We get it. You don’t care about anyone who isn’t black. Move on. Grow up.

See? There’s nothing too tough or illogical about this list. This should be taught in elementary school, but according to your mentality and how you act, we’re sure you’d claim it’s too difficult for your negro brains to grasp, making it racist.


Everyone on the planet.

This is a direct response to a moronic post highlighted by TheSafestSpace on Twitter:

Evildron’s Master Plan (Best Dang Power Ranger Fan Fiction Ever Written!)

Evildron’s Master Plan

The multiverse has collapsed thanks to one of the Rangerverse villains succeeding in a secret plan and this caused a mixing of multiple realities into one. Now Tommy, Sky, Jen, Dustin and Carlos must battle a new threat while trying to return all of reality back to the way it was. Unfortunately, their personalities are a serious mash up of almost every possible type, and they don’t act the way they should. Oh, and thanks to temporal-dimensional shielding Zordon and Alpha 5 were not only okay, also brought back to life to work as the Rangers’ leader.

This is just one story in a vast and populated mythos, so don’t worry about trying to know who everyone is. The story itself will give you all the information you need to know!

It’s a beautiful day in Angel Bay Crest Grove. To start off with, at least. For several weeks the Power Rangers had been suffering crippling defeat after crippling defeat, but they have finally turned the tied of battle once again. Reconstruction of the city was under way, and there had been no attacks for about three days. Under the suggestion of Jen, the Power Rangers were having a nice day at the beach. You know, sipping drinks, hanging out and shit. Life was good for right now.

Even the most perfect Brandy Bunch sunny day can have a cloud somewhere in the sky, however, and this cloud’s name was Evildron. At his dark and mysterious layer, Evildron was busy preparing to make life hell for the Power Rangers and the inhabitants of Angel Bay Crest Grove. He was always doing that, but this time, he meant business. For real business. The kind of business Hollywood loves to try and make up but they can’t, because this business is too fucking real.

As everyone knows, Evildron looked like a basketball player sized humanesque eagle, but instead of feathers, he was hairy like a wookie, except every so often there really were dark brown and black feathers in his fur. His eyes were always yellow, except when they turned red. He only had two outfits, but they were the exact same as each other: a red hoodie which said “Born To Be Bad Ass’ on the front (he never wore the hood up except when he was sneaking around rich neighborhoods at night) and jeans which were ripped up around the ankles giving an awesome “I don’t give a fuck about fashion!” look to them. Oh, and let’s not forget the neon green with yellow trim sneaks he wore. They even have Velcro instead of laces. He was pure evil.

Evildron was viciously typing away at his keyboard to finish up his latest creation. This had taken so much time to do, because it was his absolute best yet. He was proud of it, and he should be. This was something the Power Rangers had never faced before, and they would surely be frightened by it’s majesty.

“Evildron?” his human college aged assistant, Sloan, called out to him. Sloan was trying to fulfill his doctrine requirements through interning with Evildron. Even though Evildron was an evil asshole, the college recognized how much experience with quantum, mechanical, and biological theory working with him would provide, so they authorized the internship. Sloan wasn’t evil himself, he was just not really liked. He had self diagnosed himself with aspergers syndrome just so he didn’t have to apologize for being a dick. Sloan looked like you’d expect: nerdy glasses, a white lab coat, and stood all of 125 skinny pounds at 5’10”.

“Evildron?” Sloan called out again as he entered into the giant, cavernous area Evildron was busy working at. All around them were test tubes bubbling with who-remembers-what-or-why-in-the-first-place. Small candles flickered and danced, but they were only there for aroma therapy, since the work area was blasted with spot lights anyway.

“What do you want?!” half cawed, half yelled Evildron. He didn’t like to be interrupted, and Sloan was doing just that. Evildron’s voice was a mixture of James Cagney and Piggy from the Power Rangers: SPD story arc.

“Ah! There you are, Evildron. What have you been so busy with?” Sloan asked, looking over Evildron’s shoulders and fixing his glasses. The coding was zipping past his eyes on the screen, until a big green flashing text appeared which read, “FINISHED!!!!!” Evildron laughed maniacally and threw his hands in the air.

“It’s finished! At long last!” Evildron exclaimed, jumping to his feet and rushing over to a metallic archway that looked like it was put together by erector set pieces, “My greatest creation is something the Rangers have never dealt with before!” Sloan squinted, but couldn’t see in the darkness.

“Uh…what is it?” Sloan asked, crossing his arms as he tried to catch a glimpse of whatever was hiding in the veil of dark.

“Oh, you shall see, Sloan! You shall see!” Evildron chuckled as he threw on the lights, “Behold! My greatest creation!” The lights thundered on, one by one, until the magnificent new creation was visible to anyone inside the evil hideout.

“It…it’s a giant dick…” Sloan stated in a very horse almost whisper.

“Of course it is!” Evildron spat out in shock Sloan was even remotely surprised. If you’ve never seen an eagle smile, you’re missing out, because that’s exactly the look on Evildron’s face turned to. The mix of evil and awesome would be too much for any normal mortal to gaze upon.

“Um, I take it this thing is finished?” Sloan asked, blushing bright red. The entire thing was hairless, peach colored, and vein-y as hell.

“Not yet,” Evildron said with a sigh, “As soon as I finish up the balls, we’ll be ready to roll on the Rangers, though.” Stepping closer to Sloan, Evildron put an arm over Sloan’s closest shoulder and leaned in, almost whispering, “Tell me it won’t be fun to see the Rangers knock my junk around.” Sloan’s eyes were the size of dinner plates as he slowly turned to look at Evildron, who was raising what one could call his eyebrows up and down rapidly.

“Oookay…” Sloan said, swallowing hard, feeling very uncomfortable now and stepping back from Evildron, “What do you call a giant dick bot anyway?”

“Well, not a dick bot, obviously!” Evildron howled waiving his hands with anger in the air at such a stupid suggestion, “That would just be stupid! It’s the Remote Access Pilot Enhanced Battle Optomized Tron! The R, A, P, E, B, O, T!” Sloan scratched his chin mumbling for a few moments before he spoke.

“R, A, P, E, B, O, T? Rape Bot?!” Sloan questioned, feeling dizzy.

“IT’S A RAPE BOT!!!!” Evildron screamed while stomping his feet the moment Sloan had finished talking. Sloan was so shocked he actually jumped back because he though Evildron was going to pounce on him. “Now make yourself useful! While I finish construction on the balls, I need you to clean up the rest of it,” Evildron instructed Sloan while picking up a rag and a bucket of water, “It’s been unattended for three days. Polish up the shaft.”

Back in the Command Center
“That, Alpha 5, is where your baby robots come from,” Zordon informed Alpha 5 and ended his lecture, “Now, please, Alpha 5, scan the city for disturbances. Evildron has been much too quiet lately.”

“Aye, yi, yi, yiiiiii!” Alpha 5 cried out and waddled to the control panel, “That was not as exciting as I expected the story to be, Zordon! I guess robots are just built!”

“Exactly, Alpha 5. Is the city safe?” Zordon asked. Alpha 5 spun around and did a little happy robot jig.

“Yes, Zordon! Everything is just fine right now! I’m going to check in on the Rangers,” Alpha 5 said and activated the viewing globe, which tuned in directly to Jen’s breasts, “Aye, yi, yi, yi, yiiiii!” Zordon laughed and adjusted the viewing globe to show the entire scene at the beach.

Carlos was being a bad ass and surfing like a pro. Nothing in his previous incarnations would have really proven he was a surfer, but when the multiverse collapsed, he seemed to have the ability to shred waves like an epic pro. Dustin was making mad sand sculptures with the help of Tommy. Jen was busy playing volleyball and kicking everyone’s ass as a one person team. Sky, on the other hand, was practicing his yoga on the rocks above the beach, getting in touch with his spiritual side.

“Just one more part to this sculpture, Tommy, and we’ll be finished with a 1:1 reproduction of the Taj Mahal!” Dustin stated excitedly as he filled another bucket with sand.

“Yeah, this is going to be the greatest sand sculpture anyone has even made on this beach. No one beats a Ranger at doing ANYTHING!” Tommy boasted and did a wicked ass spinning jump kick in pride. Seeing Tommy do the spin kick made Dustin drop the bucket and give Tommy a high five for being so damn cool. None of the Rangers worried about having their identities in this collapsed multiverse discovered, so they never tried to hide the fact they were Power Rangers.

“Not bad, Tommy, but you’re no SPD recruit!” Sky taunted to Tommy from his rock. Tommy raised his middle finger up to Sky and just laughed.

“If you’re so awesome, then why were you always just a recruit even as a Ranger?!” Tommy teased back.

“Eat a sack of balls!” Sky shouted down to Tommy in jest as he picked up his yoga equipment and began making his way to everyone. Jen came bounding up next to Tommy just as Carlos was getting out of the water.

“I heard something about a sack of balls and I thought, ‘Yeah, I can get in on that!'” Jen laughed, looking around. Since she didn’t have to worry about Alex anymore, she became a huge slut. Not just any slut, the slut to end all sluts. She wasn’t a total slut about it, though. A thought always in the back of her mind was if Sky was her great, great, great grandpa or not. With the collapse of the multiverse, she couldn’t be sure, so she did her best not to slut him up.

“Hey, guys! Got room for one more bean in this Ranger burrito?!” Carlos jokingly asked, playing on the fact he was Hispanic. That had pretty much become his thing. Jen laughed once when he did it and he never stopped from that day on. They did all think it was pretty funny, though. “Wow! Nice Taj Mahal!” Carlos excitedly stated, looking over it all.

“I’ll say! Seriously, though, did someone mention a sack of balls? I could go for a snack!” Jen exclaimed, licking her lips.

“Here, gra…uh, ma’am,” Sky said, getting a hotdog out of the picnic basket and giving it to her, “This should keep you tied over.” Jen greedily took the hotdog and began to lick it and deep throat it, but gently nibbling it, too. Tommy, Dustin, and Carlos followed the movements of the hotdog with their heads, as well as their eyes. Sky, on the other hand, didn’t know what to think and just slowly backed away. He did, however, bump fists with Carlos, who never took his eyes off Jen manipulating the hotdog. Right when Jen began sliding the hotdog between her boobs, their morphers rang out with a familiar tune.

“Damn it! Right when my taquito was getting crunchy!” Carlos said, kicking sand around. Jen winked at him while sliding the hotdog back into her mouth and took a big bit.

“We read you, Zordon! What’s going on?” Sky asked into the communicator, thankful for the distraction.

“Rangers! We have trouble!” Zordon’s voice echoed out excitedly, “There’s some…well…some dick is trashing downtown!” The Rangers just looked at each other and shrugged. If Zordon thought they were going to take care of something the police should do, he had another thing coming.

“So what? We don’t deal with criminals. Call the cops,” Tommy forcefully said over his communicator. Jen gave him a high five for being so cool.

“Aye, yi, yi, yi, yiiii!” Alpha 5’s voice buzzed over the speakers, “No, Rangers! There literally is a huge dick destroying down town! Like…A PENIS!”

“PENIS?!” Jen excited asked, “We’re on it! Rather, I’ll try to get on it! It’s morphin’ time!” Jen immediately became the pink ranger before anyone else could even react. Jumping up and down excitedly, she begged at the other rangers, “Come on! We can’t let a massive phallus tear up our town and get all dirty, can we?!” With a shrug, the rest of the rangers activated their powers and teleported directly to their Zords.

Before the Rangers got to the R.A.P.E. B.O.T, Evildron was already high atop a building, watching his creation destroy the town. He couldn’t help but feel the pride every father felt at first sight of their child, except for, you know, those fathers who found out the child their wife delivered didn’t have a remote possibility of being theirs. Sloan was there as well, but he didn’t really want to be. Watching a giant dick flop around down town wasn’t his idea of a good time. Still, he did admire the craftsmanship of the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. Like a chair dildo, it was stiff up until approximately 1/4 of the shaft, at which point it could pivot and swing about wildly, which it used to maximize destruction. The shaft was somehow using the balls to move around almost like a snail, but much faster.

“It certainly is…” Sloan started to say, but trailed off before finishing. Evildron gave that epic eagle smile once again, arms folded and bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.

“Awesome? Epic? The greatest damn creature you’ve ever seen?” Evildron asked, not really wanting an answer, “Just wait until you see it in combat against those stupid Rangers!” Sloan didn’t know how to reply. He just sat in half awe, half agony as his throat remained dry. A roar in the distance snapped him out of his self induced trance and he looked to the left. That’s when he saw the multiverse version of the Megazord appear! Honestly, the Megazord is so awesome looking, it just cannot be described! So, imagine that!

“Here they are at last! Now my R.A.P.E. B.O.T. will destroy the Rangers, Sloan! Just wait and see,” Evildron told Sloan, punching him in the shoulder. Like a little bitch, Sloan groaned and rubbed his arm, which caused Evildron to punch him two more times while laughing.

Inside the most amazing Megazord of all time, the Rangers were finally able to see what they were about to face. Gasps came from Carlos, Tommy, and Dustin, but a single giddy shriek was heard from Jen, who also started clapping excitedly.

“Whoa! Zordon wasn’t kidding! That is the second biggest dick I’ve ever seen!” Dustin exclaimed, gripping his controls tighter. Everyone went instantly quiet and slowly looked at Dustin, who wasn’t even remotely kidding. No one asked, as this wasn’t the time, however, as to what the absolute biggest dick he had ever seen was.

“We’re going to have our hands full on this one, guys!” Tommy stated.

“That’s what I said!” Jen giggled, licking her lips in her helmet.

“Let’s wrap this up!” Sky shouted, just wanting the conversation and battle to end before it even started.

“Said the condom!” Carlos laughed out while slapping his knee, “We can take care of this no problem!”

“RIGHT!” the other four Rangers shouted out at the same time and pushed the Megazord into a faster speed. Upon reaching the R.A.P.E. B.O.T, they Megazord slammed into it with a force which caused a huge pressure wave to explode around them. The Megazord wrapped its arms around the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. and tried to toss it to the ground, but they only succeeded in making it flop about more. The giant dick repeatedly pounded them in the face, causing them to stagger. Like a cobra, the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. reared back and pointed its purple head directly at them.

“It’s no use! It’s too soft and floppy! It just keeps hitting us in the face!” Dustin cried.

“Now you assholes know how I feel!” Jen shouted to everyone, “Hey?! What’s it doing?!” Everyone turned their attention to the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. as it assumed the new menacing position.

“Yes! Excellent!” Evildron excitedly clapped while jumping up and down, “Do you see that, Sloan? It’s working! They can’t defeat it!” Sloan didn’t answer as he was in too much shock and awe over the entire incident. Suddenly the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. coiled backwards and let loose a spit of slimey goo all over the Megazord’s visual sensors.

“Perfect! Fuck them up by fucking them!” Evildron exclaimed at first, then lowered his voice while rubbing his right nipple in a circle, “Yes…yes, that’s good. That’s good.” Sloan was in a new state of horror as he first watched the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. attack the Rangers and then Evildron rubbing his own nipple. Sloan tried to talk, but he couldn’t.

“Oh my god!” screamed Tommy, “All visual sensors are offline! We’re blind, guys! What are going to do?!”

“Thank goodness the bay doors were closed!” Jen exclaimed, “You don’t want to go into this kind of thing unprotected!” Sky, blushing like crazy, just shook his head.

“Yeah, okay, let’s, uh…let’s think here! I’ve got it!” Sky shouted, “Call in the Super Megazord Flame Sabre!”

“What are you thinking, Sky?” Carlos asked, “This is no time for carne asada or even fajitas, hijo!” Tommy reached over at that point giving Carlos a high five for being so cool at that moment. Carlos felt a huge sense of pride, as any time Tommy treated you as cool, it meant something huge. I mean, Tommy was the definition of “cool”. Fonzy, who?

“There is one weakness to this monster,” Sky said. Before he could continue, Dustin interrupted him.

“You’re right! I think I saw it, too!” Dustin said, snapping is fingers, “It’s uncircumcised!”

“Brilliant, but that’s not what it could be, Dustin,” Jen chimed up, “That dick is circumcised. Trust me, I know!”

“Exactly, Jen! We’re going to attack the balls and if we can’t defeat it completely, we can at least put a hurt on it for a few days! We’ll at least be able to stop the goo attacks by giving it a vasectomy!” Sky said with all the excitement of a man with the best plan ever.

“Good plan, Sky! Let’s do it!” Tommy shouted. Everyone used their morphers to give the Megazord more power as they called upon the Super Megazord Flame Sabre.

“No! What are they doing?! What can they hope to accomplish?!” Evildron started screaming as he saw the flaming sword appear. Watching in terror, Evildron felt sick as he saw the Megazord poke directly into the balls of the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. “No!” Evildron screamed as his creation flailed about, “Retreat! We must retreat!”

“Master, why are we retreating?! I thought we were winning?” Sloan questioned, covering his nose to protect himself from the smell of burning flesh. Evildron grabbed Sloan by his shirt and began shaking him.

“No! They found my master plan’s one weakness! Also, the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. is only really good for two uses a day! Four if we took a week off,” Evildron explained to Sloan, “I took it out for a test drive earlier today. It needs to be rested!”

“Good job, Rangers! I think we definitely hit it!” Tommy congratulated everyone, “While it’s still sore, let’s finish it off!”

“Go, go, Power Rangers!” Carlos, Jen, Sky and Dustin all shouted out. With a mighty stomp, the Megazord stepped directly onto the balls while clearing the visual sensors the best they could. Even though the view from inside the Megazord stung their eyes, the Rangers were finally able to see once again! The R.A.P.E. B.O.T. was flopping around on the ground now, in absolute agony and unable to defend itself from further attack.

“Evildron! Your creation! The…the…” Sloan stuttered, pointing frantically toward the battle, quickly drawing to an end. Raising the Super Megazord Flame Sabre high in the air, the Rangers then repeatedly chopped up R.A.P.E. B.O.T. like a cucumber. Turning their back to it, in the classic “I don’t give a fuck!” pose, the monster exploded behind them in a fireball so large, it killed every human for six blocks in a 360 degree ring.

“No!” screamed Evildron in heartbreak.

“We have to get out of here before they find us!” Sloan cried as he hid against Evildron’s chest.

“Next time, Rangers! Next time!” Evildron screamed as started to fade out.

That night, the Rangers were having fun at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice bar in celebration of their victory. No one ever seemed to care when people were killed by the explosions of monsters, so the Rangers never thought anything of it either.

“That was a great fight, guys!” Sky said, tipping his red Dixie cup to everyone and slamming back a hard mixed drink.

“Yeah, I’m just glad we made it out of there all okay,” Tommy said, leaning back in his chair, “Not that I had any doubt.”

“If Evildron wants to keep fighting, we’ll keep fighting! No matter where he sends his monsters, we’ll hop to it like a bunch of Mexican jumping beans!” Carlos said with a grin and slammed back two tequila sours in rapid succession.

“Yeah, Evildron doesn’t know anything! If he really had any brains, he wouldn’t have sent a dick monster after us. A pussy would have been better, those things can take a beating!” Jen said, as she begin to suck on a pair of cherries as if she were working balls. Dustin coughed and started choking on his bitch diet drink as Tommy gave Jen a high five, filling her with pride, and making her give him a promising wink.

“So, Dustin,” Tommy started, slapping Dustin on the back, “What is the biggest dick, exactly, that you’ve seen?”

END SCENE! WOW! How awesome is that!? Yeah, I know, that’s the best fucking fan fiction you’ve ever read, isn’t it? I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before this becomes a canonical episode!

How To Troll: A Sunrie Guide

Yes, trolling. It’s an art. There’s a fine line between trolling, being a complete waste of bandwidth, and just looking like the pathetic moron that you are. However, do not fret, my friends! For with “Sunrie’s Guide to Trolling” you will multiple ways of being an effective Internet troll. This lesson, like all firsts tastes, is completely free! We’ll start off with the basics and then go on to specific types of trolls with brief overviews of each.
Trolling Basics

1. Communication
First and foremost, to be an effective troll, you must be able to communicate well. While this may seem counter intuitive to some, the effective troll knows how to get the intended reaction with well placed communication. This may be done with what appears to be terrible typing skills, deplorable grammar and syntax, abysmal spelling, or even with near perfect grammar, syntax, typing skills, and spelling. No matter what you choose, make sure that you’re doing it well.
2. Conducting Yourself Versus One/Multiple
Now, what you don’t want to do is go in with guns blazing at your intended target(s). Too many would be trolls make the mistake of going all out right away. You should avoid direct, instant insults to the target(s). For instance, if your target is talking about how many books s/he has read in the year so far, don’t go in there like this:

These books are fucking retarded just like you! Stupid cunt/assmunch! Fuck you!

It’s not effective and is only going to get you blocked. No one will care what you think when you go in like this. What you want to do is more of the following:

Who cares? This is what you’re doing with your time? Certainly explains a lot!

Why? Well, what you “asked” first is probably what 90% of all the other people reading what the target(s) have written anyway. The second and third part insinuate you, and possibly others, see the target(s) as stupid or uneducated in things outside the books, which is probably true. There will be a few people who will start a flame war against you trying to defend the target(s) and the target(s) will most like try to defend themselves, resulting in them looking more like a tool. This is your goal.
3. Conducting Yourself Versus Multiple
Now, if you’re going after multiple targets there are a few ways of going about it. One way is doing so from your own website or from a topic in which you create. Another way of doing it is by hijacking a topic created by another user, chatline, etc. Both are performed essentially the same and this is a very effective way to annoy or piss off many people at once.

Again, you won’t want to go in firing off everything at once. You need a little bit of subtlety with this. Here’s an example of what not to do:

Look at all the fucking retards here. Someone call the bitch police, because there’s nothing except for fucktards here!

You’ll just get ignored by the majority of the people. Sure one or two people will try to bitch back at you, but they, too, will mostly likely get kicked and/or banned. You need some finesse with this. What do I mean? Well, let’s say you’re in a chatline or an entry with a large group of people of the same mind set and all they are doing is jacking each other off about how smart they all are and how much they all agree with each other. You’ll want to call attention to that, but in an easy way:

Is everyone going to just stand around hugging each other? When you crybabies are done with the group therapy, let’s get to some big-boy talk.

Not only are you letting them know they are just going around and around with no actual thought, but you’re implying their intelligence is on par with a preschooler. Again, this is probably true.
4. Adding Shock Value
A really good way to do this is to start your own topic and make claims that are just enough to be believable. While you might not actually believe, say, absolutely every Muslim is a Jew beating, day care center bombing terrorist (no matter how true), you’re going to want to make statements which lead people to believe you do.

You don’t want to make the entire topic that outrageous, of course. There has to be a lot of other things which are completely believable and actually reflect your views, in a reasonable way, sprinkled through out. An example? Well, you just had one in the previous paragraph. Here it is emphasized for the slower learners:

While you might not actually believe, say, absolutely every Muslim is a Jew beating, day care center bombing terrorist (no matter how true), you’re going to want to make statements which lead people to believe you do.

The highlighted area is what I’m talking about. See how everything up until that point is somewhat reasonable and believable? Another example is when I made an entry about just saying Merry Christmas. I told people I would make up the letter to the Xanga staff for them. Here it is (bold sections are done as they were originally):

Dear Xanga Administration,This is about a user named Sunrie. He expresses an opinion which greatly differs from mine and that offends me. Like, greatly offends me. It offends me so bad that I cried harder than an African woman who just watched her entire family get carpet bombed in a tribe war.

Can you please delete his account? I believe that we should all have the right to say and feel the way that I think is the right way, and if you don’t then you should be removed. Thank you, I greatly appreciate it.


(Put your Username)

P.S. If you don’t do this, then I will write an entry about how you guys don’t care about anyone. Thanks!

Do you see where the shock value is added up in there? Not only am I implying they are simply being moronic for being upset at a differing opinion, but the comment of “…I cried harder than an African woman who just watched her entire family get carpet bombed in a tribe war…” is there to make the reader offended and shocked…hence the purpose of shock value.
5. Stringing Along
This can be easy or hard depending on your trolling skills. If your bait is good enough, then you will have your target(s) on the line and you can just start reeling them in. With everything learned up until this point, you will want to continue doing it. Don’t start going overboard with insults or claims. You can make or break a great deal of effort here. The last thing you want to do is ruin what you have going.

If done right, you can have this go on for hours, days, weeks, or even months. A good example of keeping a fish on the line is here in two of my entries: Running the Poodle Parade and Psycho at MySpace. The Psycho at MySpace is a great example of being able to keep someone talking and coming back while you’re making outrageous claims against them.

What generally will happen is your target(s) will try their hardest to put you in your place, while trying to make themselves look better, and they just won’t let it go. Ideally you will sucker in someone else to join in the conversation because you and your target(s) are going at it for so long. They will feel the need to throw their hat into the ring, not realizing they are getting trolled along with your original target(s). Good job if you do this! It is most effective in a forum or chatline.
Types of Trolls

Now that you have a small understanding of the basics, it’s time to decide what kind of troll you want to be. Even though there are a few choices, most troll types are sub-species, and so I won’t list them here.
1. Sock Puppet
This type of troll creates doubt and arguments within the community at large. They enter into a conversation with a seemingly genuine interest in the subject matter while also criticizing the other people’s views. Xanga liberals and atheists are prime examples of this. They typically post up a bunch of brainwashed, inane bullshit in order to get their “enemies” to be upset. An example of how to start this type of trolling is the following:

I really like Singer X, but do you think s/he is strong with Song Types Y?

2. Newbie Sneaks
A type of troll who pretends to be new to either the subject matter or the workings of a site/game. The goal is to act as innocent as possible while creating a very hostile environment for everyone helping, thus getting others to start flinging insults. When this happens, the troll then starts pointing out how mean the target(s) is/are while keeping up the charade of the victim.
3. Flame Baiters
What everyone generally thinks of when the word troll is spoken. The troll does everything to get other people riled up and flinging insults at, not only the troll, but eventually each other as well. The discussion will eventually dive into a full fledged flame war, which is only put to an end when a moderator or administrator steps in and either bans users, or locks the topic.
4. Colluding Trolls
How to explain…basically a troll with no personal vendetta or target(s) and simply trolls because another troll is…well…trolling. Think of these trolls as something akin to ronin, or master less samurai. Even though that is an insult to ronin everywhere, it’s pretty much the same. The troll is out to cause problems, sees another troll causing problems, and joins in to help.

The colluding troll can either be doing so in order to take over the roll of main troll or can even try to make it seem like more people think the way the initial troll does. Said troll can eventually bring in so many other trolls entire communities, blogs, or servers can be shut down because of it. Colluding trolls aren’t talentless, just aimless.
Think Before You Troll!

I probably should have post this part earlier, but what do I care? I couldn’t care less about you people. You aren’t as good as I am, so don’t try to copy me.

With that said, you really should think before you troll. Don’t be a dumb ass about it. The last thing you want to do is have all your personal information and private life out there for people to pick apart. Granted, most of the time when people do such, they’re just being idiots grasping at straws, but do you really want to deal with it?

A great example of listing the personal information and private life of a troll in a good way was done by ItIsAllGravy on his entry listed here: Think Before You Troll. Without giving away too much of the entry, ItIsAllGravy basically throws it all out about the troll Explosive. Go read the entry, it’s great.

Explosive is a prime example of a failure as a troll. She has too much information about herself out there, doesn’t know how to be subtle, and just goes after the wrong people. Good job, dipshit, you made it on my entry as a bad example. At least you aren’t a complete waste. Oh, and ItIsAllGravy, keep it up, man!

Get On Out There!

Great! You have a basic understanding of how to troll and you have a list of trolling types. What are you waiting for?

Posted 5/2/2011 at 2:53 AM on Xanga

Desperate for a date MySpace psycho attack

Desperate For a Date Psycho Attack!

       It’s 1:55PM Pacific Standard Time, the year is 2006, and I just finished deleting my third porn spam of the day.  Over the past two weeks I have recieved 23 such items.  Well, suddenly there is an e-mail from some chick.  Since I don’t have the original e-mail, I’ll just have to summarize it and say it was asking to meet up with me in Colorado.  At first I was just telling her off.  Since she came back for more, I took it up a notch and decided to kind of make fun of her while giving her several chances to end it all…which she didn’t.  I decided to just start pranking on her really hard.  Here is the first of what is sure to be many e-mail conversations from MySpace.    As if it’s not obvious enough, understand that the “running commentary” is all a joke.  I didn’t once ever actually want this chick to want my jock nor did I want to meet her.  I’ll probably get some funny ass e-mails out of this that I will be able to place on the other section of “Welcome to My Face”, though!  

Checking the profile made me start laughing my ass off.  I thought it was another fake MySpace message to get me into a porn spam list.  Instead, it’s much…much worse…or funnier, depending on you look at it.  Turns out, it’s some 23 year old single mother of two, still going through a divorce, and “so ready to date”!  For some reason, having put I live in Colorado started a flood of such messages.

            ----------------- Original Message -----------------   
     From:       (USERNAME OMMITTED)
     Date:      Jan 7, 2006 1:55 PM
Look, take care of your children.  Don't be selfish.  Wait until they are 18 before you start dating again.If you weren't 23 with two kids, I'd have a different reply, possibly, but absolutely not.  

With my peace said, I figured there was one of two things that would happen-

  1. She’d ignore me
  2. She’d be so turned on that she couldn’t POSSIBLY resist me now!
After all, women LOVE the truth right?  That’s why they always admitt when they are on or off the pill truthfully and why all men can trust them.  Boy, I was hoping she wanted me so I had someone to talk to!

     ----------------- Original Message -----------------   
      From:       Christine
      Date:      Jan 7, 2006 2:21 PM

I dont really know what your problem is but all im looking for is friends nothing more. My kids are my world an I do everything for them. If you're to good to make a friend i'm sorry but thats really shallow of you.  

YES!  She wanted me!!!  I could tell that I was going to get everywhere fast with this chick, so I had to turn up the charm, or I’d lose this beauty!  I mean…she obviously has many charms about her.  So, I did what I knew I had to do!


     ----------------- Original Message -----------------   
      From:       (USERNAME OMMITTED)
     Jan 7, 2006 2:35 PM

Shallow?  That took balls, sweetheart.  Obviously, your kids aren't your world.

You're not looking for "friends".  Your profile tells another story.

Admittedly from your profile, you claim you want someone to come home to.  YOU DO have someone to come home to.  TWO someones, actually.  If they were your world, you would focus on them instead of building up your MySpace and looking for "just friends".

Also, according to you, you're not even through the divorce and you are "so ready to get back into dating again".  

My problem is women and people like you.  You're right in saying that your children should be your life, well, get off of MySpace and looking for male friends.  Take care of the crumb munchers with the best job you can on a high school education.

You're 23 with two kids...why the hell did you decide to start thinking NOW?  

By the way, are they even from the same daddy?  

PHEW!  Crises AVERTED!  There was no way in fucking hell now that the bitch was going to resist ME!  I mean, come on!  I’m the fucking down and dirty, sweet talking homie!  With lines like that, who could possibly resist me?  Shit, I know just by reading this the males in my audience are taking notes as we speak.  Hell, some are taking notes as I type this…now THAT is fucking dedication!


     ----------------- Original Message -----------------   
      From:       Christine
      Date:      Jan 7, 2006 2:44 PM

for your information I am in college, an no they're aren't from the same father to tell you the truth if you must know when I lived here in Denver about 7 years ago right before I moved I was Raped my 8 guys only one in which I knew. I got pregnant an wouldnt give up a life by killing him by abortion, an i wouldnt just give him away to someone who wouldn't treat him right. I got through school though no one said I could with a child at 16. I am the only child,grand child, great grandchild in my family to ever graduate an with a kid on top of that. do dont tell me I can't do anything. an yes my other son was from my ex husband whom I only saw once in awhile when he was home from work an not sleeping around. an on top of that i usually didnt want him home that often becouse i didnt enjoy getting the shit beat out of me for no reason. so yes I do want my devorce final an I want friends an yes I do want male friends so I can show my kids that not all guys are pieces of shit.  

She sure has a lot to say…and to me no less!  Throw in the fact that she responded so quickly, and you have a damn fine recipe for hot lovin’!  Which is EXACTLY what I knew she wanted.  The entire tenth time I read this, having needed to make sure I understood all the “hot lovin’ action” she was promising me, I knew that I couldn’t just reply with some kind of geeky dribble.  Sure she’s smart and must have a hundered I.Q. points on me, but I couldn’t go off on a nerd’s tirade.  No, this would take finess!


     ----------------- Original Message -----------------   
      From:       (USERNAME OMMITTED)
      Date: Jan 7, 2006 3:04 PM

*can't stop laughing*  Okay....okay okay...let me read between the lines on this one and tell you what you already know, which is what really happened with all this.

I'm not saying you can't do ANYTHING, I'm just saying to be a mommy.  You owe it to your children.

You fucked some guy, called rape, and he ended up in prison now.  You didn't get an abortion for one reason or another, which is probably to further stick it to this poor guy.  Seems like you have a family history of this kind of thing as well, from what you're saying.

Saw him once in a while?  Sounds like he was in the military or something like a truck driver.  I know your kind.  Saw it all the time as Military Police when I was in the Army. 

Why did he sleep around, if he even did to begin with?  Probably got tired of your lazy ass telling him to make his own dinner, crying that you don't have enough money, telling him that your parents say you could do better, saying your friends mention you deserve more than him, and two screaming kids who are out of control due to lack of discipline.

You're e-mailing the wrong house.  I don't have any sympathy for your kind.  Try somewhere else.

You're trying to play a victim here.  It ain't gonna work, sweetheart.  Don't like abuse?  You obviously do because you keep coming back for more.  

Smooth as any speech Jesus himself ever gave!  Yeah, tell me I ain’t got skills and you will get burned, know what I’m saying, shiznight?!  I AM THE SHIZZLE when it comes to my bitches and how to treat them.  This was my concrete way into this bitch’s pants.  WHOOO WHOOO!!!  Train is on it’s way to “Laid’s Ville” and the price has been paid in full!


     ----------------- Original Message -----------------   
      From:       Christine
      Date:      Jan 7, 2006 3:16 PM
no unlike most people like you I actually tell the truth an I don't belive in calling rape unless it were true I've heard to many chicks call rape see unlike them I do have proof of all 8 guys. they admit to it an take full responsability of it. as for my ass hole ex husband he is a crane opp. for an oil field I also have proof of him sleeping around an he an his bitches admit to it. I have medical bills for every time i was put in the hospitol for his shit. an I never once didnt cook clean or do anythign he asked being hit or not. but i was smart for getting out becouse his new bitch is still in the hospitol for his shit so dont tell me you know everything its people like you that make women who do get raped or hit scared to tell anyone. youre the reason why those girls get killed for staying becouse just as they think no one will care they run into someone like you an wind up dead when all they were doing is asking for help. an no i dont want you as a friend becouse as they say who needs enemys with friends like you. Id rather have real friends then someone who thinks his shit dont stink an hes better then anyone.  

Mmhmm…See?!  The whore can barely contain herself here!  At this point, I’m sure she was fucking herself with a broom handle and a condom just thinking about how much of the main man I am.  If you weren’t taking notes before, I know you are taking notes now.  Yeah, that’s it, bow before my greatness…now get up because you sicken me!  Now was the time to “Seal the Deal” as it were and firmly plant myself between her legs.


     ----------------- Original Message -----------------   
      From:       (USERNAME OMMITTED)
      Date: Jan 7, 2006 3:29 PM

Nah, I'm not better than anyone else.  I just know better than you, sweetheart.  Of the better people, you just aren't one of them.

Ah, yes, like I said, a job where he isn't around that much but is making bank...still not good enough for you, eh?  You deserve "so much more", don't you?

You made your beds and you had to lay in them.  Now that's not good enough for you.

Claming he beat you so bad, and yet you kept fucking him and got knocked up with someone you knew was that bad.  You're a TERRIBLE mother for placing your kids in that environment.  Not too smart if you ask me.

It took one light mark on an exfriend for me to put the guy in a hospital for three weeks with the help of four friends, so don't go talking to me about "not caring".

Know one real good reason I know you weren't raped?  You kept the alleged rape child.  Every time you look at him would remind you of the terror you allegedly faced.  Don't give me your lies.

Also, this is a pattern with you, isn't it?  Get knocked up and leave, milking the guy dry, then you get knocked up again and do it all over agin.

What's funny about all this is that I've stated everything truthfully.  I can rip through your deception and that's what has you so fumed.  Can't bullshit the bullshitter, sweetheart.

You know, you can end this all by simply ending the conversation.  Then again, you do seem to have glutteny for punishment.  

Booyah, baby!  If that didn’t reserve a space in her pants and between her thighs, I don’t know what will.  There obviously isn’t a lot I don’t know, so this would be the first time…or one of those odd times I didn’t know I didn’t know something. Makes you think, huh?


     ----------------- Original Message -----------------   
      From:       Christine
      Date:      Jan 7, 2006 3:40 PM

ohhh no you still dont know shit. you think you know everything but you dont not one thing ive said is a lie though you think you know everything whatever. an as for the money shit all i asked for in the divorce was full custidy of my son. I moved to get away from him he kept everything else house $$$ everything but my kids. so dont tell me i was in it for the $$$ I could care less about $$ as long as there is a roof over my kids head,s an food in their mouths, an they dont have to worry about my ex coming home an them seeing me bveat up or getting in the middle an something happening to them Im fine I dont need him or you. your no better then he is I wouldnt be a bit suprised if you were a fucking hipacrit an beat women up yourself. but try to act the hero so not to get caught  yeah ive dealt with your kind too. an as for likeing punishmet thats not it at all i just stand up for myself like alot of women cant.  

See what I mean?  Judging from this e-mail, which was hard for me to get at first, thanks to how intellectual she is, I have a reservation to munch poontang, party of one.  Well…she may invite friends over, since she seems very kinky and all, so I may get a seven course meal!  Mmm….seven courses of poontang, my favorite!!!  Like any gentleman, I had to confirm my reservation.


     ----------------- Original Message -----------------   
      From:       (USERNAME OMMITTED)
      Date: Jan 7, 2006 3:52 PM

You say your kids are your world, but you'll spend two hours it to bullshit with some anonymous guy over the Internet.  There's a difference between "standing up for yourself" and whining.

Said you knew one guy and then you said you got all eight busted...only thing busted here is you, in many ways.

Yeah, okay, you convinced me, you're a victim.

Maybe we should meet up.  You sound easy.  I already know you like the gangbang orgy.  Tell me, are you into anal fisting?  

With my reservation confirmation submitted, I had to be patient.  I wanted to be quick with it because she fires back so quickly to all my attention.  I mean, it would be rude of me to do so otherwise.


     ----------------- Original Message -----------------   
      From:       Christine
      Date:      Jan 7, 2006 4:02 PM

an Im not a victom im a survivor theres a difference an I dont need your approvel. as for us meeting you wish, Im not easy ask anyone whos I dont meet assholes would rather tell a women thats been raped that she deserved it. becouse no one deserves no anal is only for guys like you, who like to shove it in anyone ass.

as for my kids they are my world weather to belive it or not I gave up everything to protect them an if you think i would give up either of them youre crazy. weather they are from a rape or a bad marrage they are my kids an no one will ever take them from me they will have what they ..need an they will never be anything like you they will respect people an have compassion. they will both know everything when the time is right an they will grow stronger from it as i have I only wish you had the pleasure of knowing how it feels to have a heart an be loved no matter what but wonderful kids like mine. they are better then you will ever be.  

What the..?!  I think she confused me with someone else along the way, or she was trying to get me into something really kinky, which I’m not really into.  Whoever she was talking to is a real sick fuck who needs therapy.  Now…is it just me, or was she trying to say she’s fucking her kids?  Just to be sure, I had to lay some ground rules before I laid her.


     ----------------- Original Message -----------------   
      From:       (USERNAME OMMITTED)
      Date:      Jan 7, 2006 4:53 PM

I can hear your panties sloshing from here.  It's a good thing and nothing to be ashamed of.  Many woman use a broom handle with a condom.  Come to think of it...that happens a lot when I talk to women.  They just get so hot and bothered, they just suddenly send me a voice message with all kinds of moaning while doing it.

Lots people love the anal orgasm.  They show up for the company and stay for the butt sex.

Well, I'd all be for helping to tell your kid where his roots lie.  I mean, his natural instincts for the raping should be explained.  That way he won't think that he's a freak or anything.

Many times we reminded that everyone that we shouldn't love children like that.  Look at what happened to Michael Jackson.  I mean...he didn't molest them, he made love to them, but they still tried to put him away...racist bastards.  No, I'll stay away from kids, thanks.  That's no kind of "pleasure" I have interest in.

I'll thank you for no longer trying to tempt me with that kind of sick shit.  

Seeing as she knows, that I know, that she knows, that I know she’s been diddling herself while talking to me, she has to give into all the demands I set forth now.  I mean…come one…getting all freaky is one thing, but to include your kids?  That’s just fucking sick!  On a lighter note, I knew that a voice file of her screwing herself with a broom was coming (much like her) in the next e-mail message.  Damn, I’m a fucking pimp!


     ----------------- Original Message -----------------   
      From:       Christine
      Date:      Jan 7, 2006 5:20 PM

you are a sick ass bastard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!you need to grow up an get a fucking life an then maybe you have aplace inthis world.only low life SOB's like you are the reason people have to go through what i have.i just hope god can forgive the shit you do.   

And then the bitch does this 180 on me!  She’s fucking herself with a broom and ~I~ am the sick bastard?!  I mean…what the fuck?!  I’ve been nothing but kind and sensitive for her sexual desires!  Once again, I’m sure she has me confused with some pervert, so I set the record straight with her once and for all!


     ----------------- Original Message -----------------   
      From:       (USERNAME OMMITTED)
      Date:      Jan 7, 2006 5:36 PM

I am not sick, nor is my ass.  I go to the doctor's for regular check ups, thank you very much!  Also, your obssession with anal sex is getting on my nerves now.  Enough talk about the butt sex and anal orgasms.

I'm 5'9", and while that isn't tall, it's not short.  I mean, at my age how much more growing can you expect me to do???  People pretty much stop growing after about 22.

There is a place for me.  It's very nice and nothing like a cellar with rats and mice for pets...or are you saying that because you heard something?  So help me, if I find out "he" fucking said ANYTHING to you about where I live!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not low life, I'm living the high life.  Sure, it's not the Millar High Life, but I like it.  Many of the rats and mice are well trained by this time.  Often times I make moss man figures to recreate famous battles throughout history.  Cheesy, my favorite little mouse, is a serious commanding officer who knows his history like nobodies business.  The guy always makes sure the battles are recreated accurately.

Well...guess you're kind of right...I mean, I've been putting you through so much, but you're the one that keeps messaging me.  If it weren't for people like me, when you message people, you might not spend four or five hours trying to convince an anonymous person over the Internet that you're who and what you say you to be me, I guess...but you're the one suffereing here, I suppose.

Lastly, God forgives the shit I do.  Nailing a chick from behind is far from a sin, unless your Catholic.  I think it's a sin then...oh, and the Military says it's against their law, too.  It's true, look it up!

I say it's a woman's right to choose...Missionary or Doggy Style!  Women didn't fight to have a choice for nothing!  

Thus, with the record straight, I waited for my love to answer me back, but alas, it did not happen.  In the uber chaos of a super intense, volcanic, world destroying orgasm, she must have given herself amnesia and forgot who she was talking to at the time.  Oh well…lesson learned.  I’m just too fucking sexy

       And so ends my mystical, magical, sexy tale.  It wasn’t until AFTER I sent that last message she finally stopped talking to me and blocked me.  I know it was afterwards because that e-mail went through and I couldn’t contact her after that.  I gave her MANY times to just walk away and end it.      Why didn’t ~I~ walk away?  I was having fun and had this in mind when I did the e-mailing.  Well, I did after the first time she e-mailed me back.  No clue as to why I didn’t do this before when people sent me requests…  Promise to do it from now on!  
Posted 1/21/2010 at 2:22 AM on Xanga