Dear Black People: Here’s a List of Things Everyone Wishes You’d Stop Doing

These are simple requests. Easy requests. But we’re not holding our breath.

Nigga, please!
There are a few things every race, nationality, ethnicity, sexual orientation…hell, EVERYONE…would like you to stop doing. They’re not complicated things. Just things that will benefit not everyone else around you, but your own race as well. By “benefit”, we all mean once you put these suggestions to use, it’ll make you tolerable person. Not a great person. Not a good person. Just a tolerable person. Being a tolerable person means people can stand to be around you for more than five seconds. It’s a win-meh situation. So just take a moment for the list below. Everyone will be glad you did.

1. Wash your hair. We’ve asked you this a million times. It doesn’t matter if you’re “growing out some sweet dreads/cornrows”. Either of those on an adult is proof positive you have absolutely no understanding between right and wrong at first glance.

2. Start understanding answers to questions. Stop going around in circles chasing your tail trying to confuse people into giving you something you don’t deserve.

3. Stop screaming in theatres. You’re there to watch what is going on during the movie and your flapping gums is not adding to the scenes. Shut the fuck up once in a while. We’d rather not listen to who you were recently fucking and how nasty he or she was while watching Star Wars.

4. Stop niggering up “white” foods. A tuna sandwich is just fine being a tuna sandwich. Collard greens are fucking disgusting. Sweet potatoes are like a desert and are even better with butter and cinnamon.

5. Stop claiming shit isn’t a trend when it obviously is. Like shaving your “rap name” into the back of your head or making cuts into your eyebrows to be different. That shit came and went. It’s not a culture so much as a moron trying to start something moronic.

6. Stop thinking only black people can make soul music. The only people who can’t create soul music are the Japanese and gingers because they don’t have souls.

7. Stop screaming “racism” every time someone who isn’t black does something you don’t like. Guess what? Someone might not like you just because you’re a piece of shit and it didn’t occur to them you’re focused on skin color. Stop being a racist piece of shit.

8. STOP MAKING OVER SEASONED FOOD! If your food was flavorful or good to begin with, you wouldn’t have to cover it with more seasoning than a Hindu village! Sometimes french fries taste good simply because they’re french fries!

9. Stop acting like Africa is the greatest place ever and how you’re so proud of it and we’ll all stop telling you to go back to it. If you’re from America, be proud to be an American. You don’t have to fucking claim to be African, especially if you’ve never been and six of your generations were born here.

10. Stop claiming everyone is a redneck. Not everyone is from the south. I’m originally from California. Sure it was southern California, so if anything I’m a wasp, not a redneck. I did my time in the south thanks to the military, and let me tell you, if you even suggest I belong down there in Missouri I’ll break your fucking face. Fuck Missouri.

11. Stop making up names to sound black. Up until the 1970’s those names didn’t exist and they don’t have a real root in African naming…and considering there are around 2000 languages in African, you’d be just as accurate naming yourself Jean Pierre instead of LaNyquil or even Martylenol.

12. Stop “deepest, darkest Africa” a neighborhood and then wonder why people don’t trust you and your demon spawn. You get defensive at everyone when crime goes up because of your extended or immediate family coming in and they’re mad about it. It’s the same situation as when Trayvon Martin went into Andrew Zimmerman’s neighborhood or the Germans went into Poland.

13. Mind your personal space. If you can pick our pocket, you’re too close, and you probably picked our pocket. Prepare to get shot. We carry guns because you steal guns. That and to protect ourselves from the democrats.

14. Stop saying you aren’t as good as everyone else and need special treatment. You are making yourselves victims, and denying that shows how stupid you are.

15. Stop thinking everything belongs to you. Stop stealing our shit. Stop with the drugs. Stop with raping. If you think you don’t, look at the crime statistics, especially in your own neighborhoods where a black man is highly likely to be killed by another black man.

16. Stop thinking the democrats are out to save you. Democrats started Jim Crow laws and fought to keep segregation for a long time. The Klu Klux Klan were founded as a Democrat organization. They keep saying you aren’t good enough and need “white man help”. You’re good enough on your own.

17. Please, for the love of god, use lotion and soap. We can smell you and it looks like you’re trying to salt everything with all the ash.

18. Stop acting like you should go first just because of your skin color and victim mentality. Yeah, we know you do it consciously.

19. Stop having fights at the dining table. The rest of us don’t want to have to kill someone in self defense because you can’t pay the fucking check or refuse to tip. But, since you do number 3, I guess it’s to be expected.

20. Stop throwing the fact your black in everyone’s face. We can see you’re black. Feel like be exclusive? Feel like acting like a retarded moron? We do hate you when you do this #niggernignignig

21. Stop resisting arrest while screaming about racism. Stop looting. Stop all the god damn riots every time a black man gets arrested. I’d say we don’t know where you find the time, but let’s face it, you don’t work.

22. Stop telling us how you can’t be racist. You are. More than most people. We don’t care if you don’t like white people or Chinese people, or even Jews. We get it. You don’t care about anyone who isn’t black. Move on. Grow up.

See? There’s nothing too tough or illogical about this list. This should be taught in elementary school, but according to your mentality and how you act, we’re sure you’d claim it’s too difficult for your negro brains to grasp, making it racist.

Sincerely,

Everyone on the planet.


This is a direct response to a moronic post highlighted by TheSafestSpace on Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheSafestSpace/status/781616441984479232

Renegade Ranger to the Rescue! (An even more best damn Power Ranger fanfiction ever written!)

Power Rangers: Super Multiverse

Due to popular demand, I am writing another Power Ranger fanfiction set in the multiverse I originally setup. Because the last one I wrote was the absolute best Power Ranger…hell, the best fanfiction of anything…ever written, I swore I wouldn’t write another. However, after all the praise and uncountable death threats I’ve received for not continuing, I feel obligated to do so.


Angel Bay Crest Grove was under constant attack by Evildron and the Rangers weren’t getting much sleep. Every time the Rangers knocked down one monster, another one almost immediately took its place. Sure Evildron had been phoning the monsters in lately, as they were extremely easy to destroy, but the sheer volume of them was now taking its toll. If the Rangers didn’t get help or rest soon, they would die from exhaustion long before the town would remain safe.

“Oh, man! I just want some sueño! A nice little siesta for fifteen minutes!” Carlos screamed as the latest monster exploded. For once, the giant explosion didn’t kill anyone, since most of this area of the city was completely abandoned thanks to both people fleeing and so many people dying during other monster attacks.

“I know what you mean,” Jen agreed, “A nice fall in bed is all I can think about…Hell, I’m not even thinking of using it for sex, just sleep!”

“Damn, you are tired!” Tommy exclaimed, yawning under his helmet.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m done. I’m out. I’m not doing this again. Let the monster attack the fucking city for a few hours. I’m going to bed!” Dustin stated and jumped out of the Megazord. The moment his feet hit the ground, he de-morphed and began running home.

“What a dipshit,” Sky stated as they all left the Megazord as well and de-morphed, “He could have just teleported home. Guess he really is tired as hell.”

“Rangers!” Zordon’s voice cracked over the speaker on their communicators. With a deep sigh, Tommy answered the call.

“No, Zordon, we don’t give a shit if there is another monster attacking the city. Most of this place is trashed and abandoned. We’re getting some sleep!” Tommy shouted. Sky gave Tommy a high-five for being so god damn cool and saying exactly what everyone else was thinking.

“Of course, Tommy,” Zordon said. He knew better than to mouth off to Tommy. Zordon continued, “You get some sleep. I just wanted to let you know I am working on getting you some help.”

“About time, Zordon!” Jen clapped happily, “If you manage to do that, I’ll let you plug into Alpha 5 and slut you up a bit!”

“That would be wonderful!” Alpha’s voice shouted in the background, “We’ll be sure to get you that help!” The communicator went silent and everyone sighed with relief. They agreed to meet back up after a few hours of rest and wouldn’t answer their communicators no matter what.

Meanwhile, with the bad guys…
Deep inside Evildron’s layer he was busy creating his newest, and most powerful, monster ever. Neither the R.A.P.E.B.O.T. nor the M.O.T.H.E.R.F.U.C.K.E.R. had anything on this monster. Given how tired the Rangers were now, they could never hope to destroy this one given how advanced it was. If the R.A.P.E.B.O.T. was a monster design the Rangers had never faced before and the M.O.T.H.E.R.F.U.C.K.E.R. was a speed they had never faced before, this was not only a combination of the two, but it also had power. Evildron learned from his failures, which is a dangerous attribute for a villain.

“Evildron?!” Sloan called out to his master.

“Damn it! What is it, Sloan?!” Evildron screamed over his shoulder, having been startled after sitting in near silence for so long. Rushing into the building room of the lair, still lit by unnecessary candles scattered around for aroma therapy, Sloan rushed up to Evildron, almost out of breath. Sloan had taken Evildron’s habit of not taking many showers, so the candles helped with his smell. Evildron didn’t need many baths, since he didn’t actually sweat, but Sloan was beginning to become rather ripe. Instead of washing, Sloan believed Febreeze and deodorant was actually enough.

“Oh, for the love of god, man, take a shower!” Evildron commented, plugging his nose.

“But…I just did…” Sloan whined, opening his shirt and sniffing at his chest.

“Then take ten more! What do you want?!” Evildron asked, pushing Sloan back.

“Um…you sent me a text message on our two way pager and said you wanted to see me…” Sloan explained, looking down at the ground.

“Of course I did!” Evildron yelled, startling Sloan, “I want you to see as the newest, fastest, and most powerful monster I’ve ever made is finished!” Sloan’s eyes lit up with excitement and he pumped his fist a few time.

“I am so pumped up! Please let me see it!” Sloan begged, rushing over to the darkened bay where they kept the creations as they were being finished. Evildron reached over to his keyboard, entered the last few commands and slowly walked over to Sloan.

“As you know, we’ve been exhausting the Rangers to the point of…well…exhaustion. I have taken cues from our past two ultimate creations and made…uh…well…the ultimate creation!” Evildron said excitedly, slapping Sloan on the back, “Do the honors and hit the lights!” Sloan let out of a school girl like squeal of excitement as he reached over and flipped the large handle into the “on” position.

As the power ran through the lines, several lights turned on with a booming noise, revealing the ultimate creation Evildron had just finished. Taller than any other monster Evildron had created, it also had a form unlike any other monster used before. Sloan’s mouth gaped open as he stared up at it.

“Pretty impressive, eh?” Evildron asked, rubbing his hands together with satisfaction.

“It’s…a…it’s…oh my god…it looks like a blow up doll!” Sloan stated, his voice cracking a few times as he said the words, his throat drying up. Sure enough, the monster stood in humanoid shape with wide eyes and a very open, almost surprised, “O” mouth complete with bright red lips. The outward appearance was female, and it even had the shape of breasts, but no nipples. There was no obvious hole where the vagina or sphincter would be, however.

“Duh!” Evildron spat, “This is the best form for fighting another humanoid with the weapon I’ve equipped it with!” Evildron continued to smile up at his creation while Sloan remained speechless for a few moments.

“What do you call this one, then?” Sloan cautiously asked.

“Keep up now, Sloan. This is the Battalion Leveling, Optimized Weapon, Juggernaut: Oversied Bot! The B, L, O, W…J….O…..B,” Evildron stated, saying the last three letters slower than the previous. Evildron’s hands were slowly rubbing up his waist to his chest.

“Bl…blow job?!” Sloan hoarsely exclaimed, feeling so weak in his knees he actually had to squat down.

“Blow job,” Evildron said in a very slow, satisfied tone as he twisted his nipples. Sloan fell back on his own ass at this point, not exactly sure what to do. He couldn’t speak and his mind was going a mile a minute. Still rubbing his nipples, Evildron looked down at Sloan and raised his eyebrows rapidly a few times while smiling that epic eagle smile.

“This bad bitch has such a powerful weapon, one hit to that Megazord will destroy it!” Evildron said and pointed up at his creation, “Right there in the mouth is where I have it. Unlike the R.A.P.E.B.O.T. there are no ball to give a vasectomy to. Also, the M.O.T.H.E.R.F.U.C.K.E.R. had a problem in its logistics programming. I’ve corrected both issues with this design!” Sloan remained silent, his eyes huge and his mouth trying to form words, but not finding them. With a sigh, Evildron, pulled Sloan to his feet.

“Give the monster some attention, will you? I’m sure it’s feeling neglected,” Evildron instructed Sloan, “Pay special attention to the whole breast. I left the nipples out on purpose!”

Inside the Ranger’s Command Center
“Aye, yi, yi, yiiiiii!” Alpha whined out to Zordon.

“Relax, Alpha 5! I’m sure he got our message,” Zordon told Alpha, who was doing his stupid little robot panic dance.

“I sure hope so, Zordon. The Rangers are too exhausted to keep fighting today!” Alpha cried like a little bitch just as a notification beep began to sound out.

“You got our message!” Zordon said excitedly as Alpha answered the call.

“Yeah, I’m here Zordon. I would have messaged sooner, but I was in the middle of a fine ass bitch,” a voice rang out over the speakers, “So I take it your Rangers are too big of pussies to be able to handle this without my help?”

“Sadly, yes,” Zordon reluctantly admitted, “Without your help, I’m afraid Evildron will kill my Rangers, destroy what’s left of the city, and then soon take over the rest of the world!”

“That’s your worry!” the voice replied laughing, “Even if your Rangers were destroyed, I’d still be able to take Evildron out myself. The only reason I don’t do it right now is because it cuts into my bitches time.”

“Fair enough,” Zordon agreed, “Even still, would you please help us? If my Rangers are destroyed you’ll be taking care of it yourself and that will really cut into your bitches time.” There was a few moments of silence as Zordon’s words sank in. Zordon was speaking the truth, too. The Rangers were the only ones keeping Evildron at bay for now. As crazy and evil as Evildron was, he had O.C.D. and couldn’t multitask very well so he kept focusing almost his entire effort on Angel Bay Crest Grove.

“You would put it like that, wouldn’t you? Damn disembodied head…” the voice said, “Okay, expect me there in about five minutes.”

“Aye, yi, yi, yiiiiii! This is great news, Zordon!” Alpha said happily as he did his happy robot dance.

“Yes, Alpha 5, this will help us considerably to have a green ranger. Now, please focus in on the Rangers with the viewing globe so I can potentially perv on them,” Zordon instructed. Alpha did as he was told, tuning the viewing globe into the Rangers, who were all hanging out at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice Bar.

“At least there have been no monster attacks on the city. A nice seventeen hour sleep is what I needed,” Sky stated, double fisting whiskey sour.

“Yeah, you know I actually ran six miles home forgetting I could teleport?” Dustin asked, daintily sipping on a clear diet cola, “That’s how tired I actually was!” Reaching over, Tommy punched Dustin right in his face, forcing him to spill his drink.

“That’s what you get for being such a little bitch, bitch!” Tommy shouted as Dustin pulled himself back in his chair. Dustin gave Tommy a high-five for putting him in his place because he knew Tommy was right…and so damn cool.

“All I know is I’ve never spent so long in bed without someone else in there with me,” Jen said, finishing off her sixth glass of wine, “I mean, I went three hours before getting myself filled!” Sky didn’t know how to respond. Instead, he just stared at her wide eyed and his mouth open slightly before slowly putting another drink to his lips.

“I was all wrapped up in the sheets like a bean burrito. It was bueño,” Carlos stated with pride, tipping back a full bottle of tequila, “After I got down with Jen, anyway.” Sky was so surprise with the sudden confession from Carlos he actually shot whiskey sour out of his nose, causing him to groan in pain.

“Something wrong, Sky?” Tommy asked, confused since he was sure they had all tapped Jen at one point or another.

“No…not at all!” Sky stammered and then ran to the bar to get another drink. Suddenly a presence so heavy and noticeable washed over them, causing them to look toward the door. The happily yelling of women and a bad ass rock song began to fill the room as the presence got closer.

“Holy…fucking…shit… No…way…” Tommy said quietly. The voices and music got louder until finally the cause of it all entered into the room.

“Oh my god!” Dustin screamed. Jen sat transfixed at the sight before her. She was completely mesmorized and couldn’t take her eyes off the new guy. He was wearing wrap around black sun glasses, tight black jeans, a dark green shirt with a black leather jacket on top of it with a single dark green stripe running down the left side with a dark green “#1” on the right side, and his dark brown hair was slicked back in the coolest way possible. As he stood there, women were desperately trying to cling tighter to him, but his face just said, “These bitches want me, no shit, and I still don’t give a fuck.”

“Who’s he?!” Jen asked, rubbing herself under the table.

“The only person cooler than Tommy…Ziggy Grover!” Sky said getting back to the group and collapsed into his chair, “This is who Zordon got to help us?! He’s practically a Ranger GOD!” Tommy turned back to the table and slammed his fists down on the table as hard as he could, cracking it the entire length.

“Damn it!” Tommy muttered under his breath. Ziggy looked around, threw his arms out to the side and every woman and the music went quiet. Seeing the other Rangers, he pointed to the ground indicated for the women following him to remain where they were and began to groove over to the Rangers’ table.

“So you’re Zordon’s Rangers, huh? No wonder he needs my help,” Ziggy stated, snapping the sunglasses off his face, closing them and storing them inside his leather jacket. Jen jumped up from her chair and fell to his legs. She began rubbing his legs up and down while looking up at him like a begging puppy.

“Hi! I’m Jen!!!” she exclaimed, nuzzling his legs with her cheek.

“Of course you are,” Ziggy said, not trying to remove her. Jen just giggled and began kissing from his calf to his outer thigh repeatedly.

“Yeah, and you must be Doctor K’s Ranger,” Tommy replied snarkily without even turning around.

“Actually, I renamed her Doctor C, as in Doctor Can’t Take Anymore of this Dick Because I Wore The Bitch Out,” Ziggy explained, “So, you must be Tommy. The legend himself…disappointing.” Tommy flipped the table out of anger over how much cooler Ziggy was than himself. Folding his arms, Tommy began to sulk and shut his mouth.

“It’s an honor, amigo!” Carlos said, giving Ziggy a high-five while looking at Tommy in shame wondering how he ever found Tommy cool to begin with.

“It’s going to be nice having some help!’ Dustin said. Ziggy glared over at Dustin before kicking him in the chest, knocking him over two tables.

“Let’s get something straight, maggots: I am not here to help. I am the solution to your problem and then I’m gone. Don’t get in my fucking way and I won’t have to unblock you like a hair clog in a sink. Got it?” Ziggy asked. Jen giggled again and began to massage on Ziggy’s ass with joy. Sky said nothing and simply nodded.

“Understood…” Tommy whispered. Suddenly their communicators sprang to life as Zordon’s voice erupted through in a panic.

“Rangers! We have a serious problem! Evildron’s greatest creation to date is attacking! We need you!” Zordon exclaimed in more of a fit than they had ever heard.

“Don’t worry about it, Zordon,” Ziggy replied, “I’m here and I’ll stop this problem in about ten seconds.” Jen reached up and began to work Ziggy’s penis in his pants, but Ziggy stopped her. “You get to touch it when I allow you to,” Ziggy informed Jen as he forcefully pulled her off him. Reaching toward the sky and snapping his fingers, a bad ass beat began to play as Ziggy stepped back, causing the women to start screaming excitedly once again.

“Let’s do this shit!” Ziggy shouted and performed his morphing choreography, “Get in mother fucking gear!” In a green flash, complete with a massive explosion behind him, which unfortunately killed fifteen, maybe twenty, of the women who had been following him, Ziggy was now morphed into the most powerful Ranger of this universe. Giving the rest of the Rangers the middle finger, Ziggy teleported away to the fight.

“Fuck…he is cool,” Tommy said with a sigh as he faced palmed in shame.

At the area of attack…
“Wow, it is getting really hard to find somewhere to destroy and while killing people around here anymore…” Evildron said to himself, riding on the shoulder of the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. through the old downtown, “Maybe I should have held back a little…”

“Evildron! Evildron!” Sloan’s voice crackled over the dollar store two-way radio they stole in order to contact each other, “A Ranger is headed your way! Maybe you should get off the…the…”

“It’s the B.L.O.W.J.O.B, Sloan. Say it right or don’t say it at all!” Evildron firmly told Sloan, “Who cares if it’s just one Ranger, anyway?” Evildron cracked his knuckles and looked around at the mostly destroyed city. A small bit of sadness came over him, not for the loss of life or destruction in of itself, but the fact he wouldn’t have much to take over if he kept destroying everything. He made a note to himself to stop powering his creations with a highly explosive compound which also turned into a potentially fatal miasma.

“But…but…but…” Sloan stammered. It was too late, however, as Evildron saw exactly who was heading his way. Shrieking like a frightened eagle, Evildron jumped off and teleported to safety. Ziggy was inside the most epic, amazing, and just plain cool looking single Megazord anyone has ever seen, known as the Ultimate Battlezord, and he was hauling ass faster than any of the other Rangers could ever hope for.

“What the fuck?!” Ziggy shouted to himself as he got closer to Evildron’s creation, “Is that what I think it is?!” Leaning back, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. began to charge the weapon, but Ziggy saw it coming and dodged to the side just as the laser blasted past him. The exact moment the laser was coming to a finish, Ziggy jumped into the air and slammed a kick directly into the breast area of the creature, forcing it to stagger backwards, rubbing its chest.

“Titty fucker!” Evildron screamed, grabbing Sloan by the back of the neck and pointing to the fight, “Did you see that?! That is just rude!” Sloan just whined and groaned as he was forced to watch in the tight grip of Evildron’s hand.

“We’re here to help!” Ziggy heard Dustin’s voice ring out over his speakers.

“Don’t worry, we’ll keep it busy while you destroy it!” Tommy said as their Megazord rushed up to the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. and kneed it right in the face with a sick ass jumping knee strike. You know, like the one you can do in Double Dragon: Advanced on the Gameboy Advanced. That game was fucking awesome! Yeah, that type of flying knee attack. This caused the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. to fall to the ground backwards.

“Yeah, bitch! Who’s fucking who, now?!” Sky screamed. The Megazord then began to teabag the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. rapidly while Carlos sang, “Dip, dip, potato chip!”

“Get off of it!” Ziggy screamed as he saw the creature begin to charge up its weapon. The Megazord sat directly on the creature’s face looking toward Ziggy’s Ultimate Battlezord.

“Why? We’ve got our finger on the pussy trigger in this fight!” Jen giggled over the headset.

“What’s that sound?” Carlos asked, looking down at the floor. Before anyone could answer, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. let loose its weapon and forced the Megazord up into the air, legs spread, as if it were riding a long, red, never ending dildo into the air.

“You dumb, bitch! The only trigger you understand is the one on your vibrator!” Ziggy shouted to the other Rangers as he heard them screaming as they flew higher and higher into the air. When the laser came to an end, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. spread its legs wide, propped itself, and stood up in a battle stance. In a streak (do you see what I did there?), the creature was upon the Ultimate Battlezord and kicked it across town and over a mountain.

“Look, Sloan, look!” Evildron shouted happily, jerking Sloan around by the neck haphazardly, “Not even the Ranger god, Ziggy, is standing a chance! This is the ultimate creation!” Sloan was desperately trying to get Evildron to let go of him, but was having no luck doing so.

“Mother…fucker…” Ziggy said to himself as he stood his zord back up, “No more dicking around. I have bitches to get back to. Ultimate God Slayer!” With both hands out to the side, a powerful energy began to swirl around the hands of Ziggy’s Ultimate Battlezord. Thinking it saw a chance, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. rushed toward its enemy at break neck speed while charging up another shot.

“Imma firin’ mah lazor!” the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. screamed and let loose the blast. A blinding flash which could rival that of being at the center of a star exploding spread for hundreds of miles around. Thinking Ziggy was destroyed, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. let down its guard and stood straight up with pride. As the blinding light faded and the dust dissipated, the Ultimate Battlezord was still standing, both hands out in front of itself, now holding two of the most awesome looking swords ever, glowing in a powerful green energy.

“Suck on this one,” Ziggy said calmly. Before it could even react, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. was cut one thousand times in less than a second, causing it to explode while screaming in pain. Lucky for the Megazord, which was now falling to the ground at an unstoppable speed, the force of the explosion was so great, it created enough cushion of compacted air to slow it down and not be destroyed. The Ultimate Battlezord just stood in an even more badass “I don’t give a fuck!” stance than the Megazord ever could as this all happened.

“NO!” Evildron screamed, throwing Sloan to the ground, “NO! What the fuck?! I need a vacation!” Sloan looked up at Evildron and grabbed hold of his leg fast enough to be teleported away with him. Slowly the Megazord stood and the Ultimate Battlezord powered down.

“That…was…awesome!” Dustin screamed and clapped his hands together.

“Yeah…he’s fucking cool…cooler than me…” Tommy admitted out loud.

&nbp;
Evildron was pacing around and throwing whatever he could get his hands on against the wall in his lair.

“Damn it! Another creature destroyed!” Evildron screamed, kicking a door off the hinges, “You know what? I’m going on vacation!”

“Does that mean..?” Sloan asked.

“If you think it means you get time off, then you’re wrong!” Evildron said, calming down a bit and falling into his recliner, “You’re going to stay here and build me another creature. Let’s see what you can do.”

“Oh…okay…I guess I can do that…” Sloan said, sitting across from Evildron and turning on the TV.

“I’m thinking something along the lines of a Fully Upgraded, Controlled Kinetic, Digitally Operated Lethal Lackey,” Evildron said, folding his arms over his chest and focusing on the TV, now reporting his latest failure.

“F…u… Fuck doll?” Sloan asked, looking out of the corner of his eye toward Evildron.

“Fuck doll!” Evildron said happily while clapping and pointing with both hands at Sloan.


There you go! That’s even more of a best damn Power Ranger fanfiction than Evildron’s Master Plan is!

With how great this is, please stop threatening to kill me if I don’t write anymore. This has got to tie you over for at least another ten years it’s so good!

Evildron’s Master Plan (Best Dang Power Ranger Fan Fiction Ever Written!)

Evildron’s Master Plan

The multiverse has collapsed thanks to one of the Rangerverse villains succeeding in a secret plan and this caused a mixing of multiple realities into one. Now Tommy, Sky, Jen, Dustin and Carlos must battle a new threat while trying to return all of reality back to the way it was. Unfortunately, their personalities are a serious mash up of almost every possible type, and they don’t act the way they should. Oh, and thanks to temporal-dimensional shielding Zordon and Alpha 5 were not only okay, also brought back to life to work as the Rangers’ leader.

This is just one story in a vast and populated mythos, so don’t worry about trying to know who everyone is. The story itself will give you all the information you need to know!


It’s a beautiful day in Angel Bay Crest Grove. To start off with, at least. For several weeks the Power Rangers had been suffering crippling defeat after crippling defeat, but they have finally turned the tied of battle once again. Reconstruction of the city was under way, and there had been no attacks for about three days. Under the suggestion of Jen, the Power Rangers were having a nice day at the beach. You know, sipping drinks, hanging out and shit. Life was good for right now.

Even the most perfect Brandy Bunch sunny day can have a cloud somewhere in the sky, however, and this cloud’s name was Evildron. At his dark and mysterious layer, Evildron was busy preparing to make life hell for the Power Rangers and the inhabitants of Angel Bay Crest Grove. He was always doing that, but this time, he meant business. For real business. The kind of business Hollywood loves to try and make up but they can’t, because this business is too fucking real.

As everyone knows, Evildron looked like a basketball player sized humanesque eagle, but instead of feathers, he was hairy like a wookie, except every so often there really were dark brown and black feathers in his fur. His eyes were always yellow, except when they turned red. He only had two outfits, but they were the exact same as each other: a red hoodie which said “Born To Be Bad Ass’ on the front (he never wore the hood up except when he was sneaking around rich neighborhoods at night) and jeans which were ripped up around the ankles giving an awesome “I don’t give a fuck about fashion!” look to them. Oh, and let’s not forget the neon green with yellow trim sneaks he wore. They even have Velcro instead of laces. He was pure evil.

Evildron was viciously typing away at his keyboard to finish up his latest creation. This had taken so much time to do, because it was his absolute best yet. He was proud of it, and he should be. This was something the Power Rangers had never faced before, and they would surely be frightened by it’s majesty.

“Evildron?” his human college aged assistant, Sloan, called out to him. Sloan was trying to fulfill his doctrine requirements through interning with Evildron. Even though Evildron was an evil asshole, the college recognized how much experience with quantum, mechanical, and biological theory working with him would provide, so they authorized the internship. Sloan wasn’t evil himself, he was just not really liked. He had self diagnosed himself with aspergers syndrome just so he didn’t have to apologize for being a dick. Sloan looked like you’d expect: nerdy glasses, a white lab coat, and stood all of 125 skinny pounds at 5’10”.

“Evildron?” Sloan called out again as he entered into the giant, cavernous area Evildron was busy working at. All around them were test tubes bubbling with who-remembers-what-or-why-in-the-first-place. Small candles flickered and danced, but they were only there for aroma therapy, since the work area was blasted with spot lights anyway.

“What do you want?!” half cawed, half yelled Evildron. He didn’t like to be interrupted, and Sloan was doing just that. Evildron’s voice was a mixture of James Cagney and Piggy from the Power Rangers: SPD story arc.

“Ah! There you are, Evildron. What have you been so busy with?” Sloan asked, looking over Evildron’s shoulders and fixing his glasses. The coding was zipping past his eyes on the screen, until a big green flashing text appeared which read, “FINISHED!!!!!” Evildron laughed maniacally and threw his hands in the air.

“It’s finished! At long last!” Evildron exclaimed, jumping to his feet and rushing over to a metallic archway that looked like it was put together by erector set pieces, “My greatest creation is something the Rangers have never dealt with before!” Sloan squinted, but couldn’t see in the darkness.

“Uh…what is it?” Sloan asked, crossing his arms as he tried to catch a glimpse of whatever was hiding in the veil of dark.

“Oh, you shall see, Sloan! You shall see!” Evildron chuckled as he threw on the lights, “Behold! My greatest creation!” The lights thundered on, one by one, until the magnificent new creation was visible to anyone inside the evil hideout.

“It…it’s a giant dick…” Sloan stated in a very horse almost whisper.

“Of course it is!” Evildron spat out in shock Sloan was even remotely surprised. If you’ve never seen an eagle smile, you’re missing out, because that’s exactly the look on Evildron’s face turned to. The mix of evil and awesome would be too much for any normal mortal to gaze upon.

“Um, I take it this thing is finished?” Sloan asked, blushing bright red. The entire thing was hairless, peach colored, and vein-y as hell.

“Not yet,” Evildron said with a sigh, “As soon as I finish up the balls, we’ll be ready to roll on the Rangers, though.” Stepping closer to Sloan, Evildron put an arm over Sloan’s closest shoulder and leaned in, almost whispering, “Tell me it won’t be fun to see the Rangers knock my junk around.” Sloan’s eyes were the size of dinner plates as he slowly turned to look at Evildron, who was raising what one could call his eyebrows up and down rapidly.

“Oookay…” Sloan said, swallowing hard, feeling very uncomfortable now and stepping back from Evildron, “What do you call a giant dick bot anyway?”

“Well, not a dick bot, obviously!” Evildron howled waiving his hands with anger in the air at such a stupid suggestion, “That would just be stupid! It’s the Remote Access Pilot Enhanced Battle Optomized Tron! The R, A, P, E, B, O, T!” Sloan scratched his chin mumbling for a few moments before he spoke.

“R, A, P, E, B, O, T? Rape Bot?!” Sloan questioned, feeling dizzy.

“IT’S A RAPE BOT!!!!” Evildron screamed while stomping his feet the moment Sloan had finished talking. Sloan was so shocked he actually jumped back because he though Evildron was going to pounce on him. “Now make yourself useful! While I finish construction on the balls, I need you to clean up the rest of it,” Evildron instructed Sloan while picking up a rag and a bucket of water, “It’s been unattended for three days. Polish up the shaft.”

Back in the Command Center
“That, Alpha 5, is where your baby robots come from,” Zordon informed Alpha 5 and ended his lecture, “Now, please, Alpha 5, scan the city for disturbances. Evildron has been much too quiet lately.”

“Aye, yi, yi, yiiiiii!” Alpha 5 cried out and waddled to the control panel, “That was not as exciting as I expected the story to be, Zordon! I guess robots are just built!”

“Exactly, Alpha 5. Is the city safe?” Zordon asked. Alpha 5 spun around and did a little happy robot jig.

“Yes, Zordon! Everything is just fine right now! I’m going to check in on the Rangers,” Alpha 5 said and activated the viewing globe, which tuned in directly to Jen’s breasts, “Aye, yi, yi, yi, yiiiii!” Zordon laughed and adjusted the viewing globe to show the entire scene at the beach.

Carlos was being a bad ass and surfing like a pro. Nothing in his previous incarnations would have really proven he was a surfer, but when the multiverse collapsed, he seemed to have the ability to shred waves like an epic pro. Dustin was making mad sand sculptures with the help of Tommy. Jen was busy playing volleyball and kicking everyone’s ass as a one person team. Sky, on the other hand, was practicing his yoga on the rocks above the beach, getting in touch with his spiritual side.

“Just one more part to this sculpture, Tommy, and we’ll be finished with a 1:1 reproduction of the Taj Mahal!” Dustin stated excitedly as he filled another bucket with sand.

“Yeah, this is going to be the greatest sand sculpture anyone has even made on this beach. No one beats a Ranger at doing ANYTHING!” Tommy boasted and did a wicked ass spinning jump kick in pride. Seeing Tommy do the spin kick made Dustin drop the bucket and give Tommy a high five for being so damn cool. None of the Rangers worried about having their identities in this collapsed multiverse discovered, so they never tried to hide the fact they were Power Rangers.

“Not bad, Tommy, but you’re no SPD recruit!” Sky taunted to Tommy from his rock. Tommy raised his middle finger up to Sky and just laughed.

“If you’re so awesome, then why were you always just a recruit even as a Ranger?!” Tommy teased back.

“Eat a sack of balls!” Sky shouted down to Tommy in jest as he picked up his yoga equipment and began making his way to everyone. Jen came bounding up next to Tommy just as Carlos was getting out of the water.

“I heard something about a sack of balls and I thought, ‘Yeah, I can get in on that!'” Jen laughed, looking around. Since she didn’t have to worry about Alex anymore, she became a huge slut. Not just any slut, the slut to end all sluts. She wasn’t a total slut about it, though. A thought always in the back of her mind was if Sky was her great, great, great grandpa or not. With the collapse of the multiverse, she couldn’t be sure, so she did her best not to slut him up.

“Hey, guys! Got room for one more bean in this Ranger burrito?!” Carlos jokingly asked, playing on the fact he was Hispanic. That had pretty much become his thing. Jen laughed once when he did it and he never stopped from that day on. They did all think it was pretty funny, though. “Wow! Nice Taj Mahal!” Carlos excitedly stated, looking over it all.

“I’ll say! Seriously, though, did someone mention a sack of balls? I could go for a snack!” Jen exclaimed, licking her lips.

“Here, gra…uh, ma’am,” Sky said, getting a hotdog out of the picnic basket and giving it to her, “This should keep you tied over.” Jen greedily took the hotdog and began to lick it and deep throat it, but gently nibbling it, too. Tommy, Dustin, and Carlos followed the movements of the hotdog with their heads, as well as their eyes. Sky, on the other hand, didn’t know what to think and just slowly backed away. He did, however, bump fists with Carlos, who never took his eyes off Jen manipulating the hotdog. Right when Jen began sliding the hotdog between her boobs, their morphers rang out with a familiar tune.

“Damn it! Right when my taquito was getting crunchy!” Carlos said, kicking sand around. Jen winked at him while sliding the hotdog back into her mouth and took a big bit.

“We read you, Zordon! What’s going on?” Sky asked into the communicator, thankful for the distraction.

“Rangers! We have trouble!” Zordon’s voice echoed out excitedly, “There’s some…well…some dick is trashing downtown!” The Rangers just looked at each other and shrugged. If Zordon thought they were going to take care of something the police should do, he had another thing coming.

“So what? We don’t deal with criminals. Call the cops,” Tommy forcefully said over his communicator. Jen gave him a high five for being so cool.

“Aye, yi, yi, yi, yiiii!” Alpha 5’s voice buzzed over the speakers, “No, Rangers! There literally is a huge dick destroying down town! Like…A PENIS!”

“PENIS?!” Jen excited asked, “We’re on it! Rather, I’ll try to get on it! It’s morphin’ time!” Jen immediately became the pink ranger before anyone else could even react. Jumping up and down excitedly, she begged at the other rangers, “Come on! We can’t let a massive phallus tear up our town and get all dirty, can we?!” With a shrug, the rest of the rangers activated their powers and teleported directly to their Zords.

Before the Rangers got to the R.A.P.E. B.O.T, Evildron was already high atop a building, watching his creation destroy the town. He couldn’t help but feel the pride every father felt at first sight of their child, except for, you know, those fathers who found out the child their wife delivered didn’t have a remote possibility of being theirs. Sloan was there as well, but he didn’t really want to be. Watching a giant dick flop around down town wasn’t his idea of a good time. Still, he did admire the craftsmanship of the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. Like a chair dildo, it was stiff up until approximately 1/4 of the shaft, at which point it could pivot and swing about wildly, which it used to maximize destruction. The shaft was somehow using the balls to move around almost like a snail, but much faster.

“It certainly is…” Sloan started to say, but trailed off before finishing. Evildron gave that epic eagle smile once again, arms folded and bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.

“Awesome? Epic? The greatest damn creature you’ve ever seen?” Evildron asked, not really wanting an answer, “Just wait until you see it in combat against those stupid Rangers!” Sloan didn’t know how to reply. He just sat in half awe, half agony as his throat remained dry. A roar in the distance snapped him out of his self induced trance and he looked to the left. That’s when he saw the multiverse version of the Megazord appear! Honestly, the Megazord is so awesome looking, it just cannot be described! So, imagine that!

“Here they are at last! Now my R.A.P.E. B.O.T. will destroy the Rangers, Sloan! Just wait and see,” Evildron told Sloan, punching him in the shoulder. Like a little bitch, Sloan groaned and rubbed his arm, which caused Evildron to punch him two more times while laughing.

Inside the most amazing Megazord of all time, the Rangers were finally able to see what they were about to face. Gasps came from Carlos, Tommy, and Dustin, but a single giddy shriek was heard from Jen, who also started clapping excitedly.

“Whoa! Zordon wasn’t kidding! That is the second biggest dick I’ve ever seen!” Dustin exclaimed, gripping his controls tighter. Everyone went instantly quiet and slowly looked at Dustin, who wasn’t even remotely kidding. No one asked, as this wasn’t the time, however, as to what the absolute biggest dick he had ever seen was.

“We’re going to have our hands full on this one, guys!” Tommy stated.

“That’s what I said!” Jen giggled, licking her lips in her helmet.

“Let’s wrap this up!” Sky shouted, just wanting the conversation and battle to end before it even started.

“Said the condom!” Carlos laughed out while slapping his knee, “We can take care of this no problem!”

“RIGHT!” the other four Rangers shouted out at the same time and pushed the Megazord into a faster speed. Upon reaching the R.A.P.E. B.O.T, they Megazord slammed into it with a force which caused a huge pressure wave to explode around them. The Megazord wrapped its arms around the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. and tried to toss it to the ground, but they only succeeded in making it flop about more. The giant dick repeatedly pounded them in the face, causing them to stagger. Like a cobra, the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. reared back and pointed its purple head directly at them.

“It’s no use! It’s too soft and floppy! It just keeps hitting us in the face!” Dustin cried.

“Now you assholes know how I feel!” Jen shouted to everyone, “Hey?! What’s it doing?!” Everyone turned their attention to the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. as it assumed the new menacing position.

“Yes! Excellent!” Evildron excitedly clapped while jumping up and down, “Do you see that, Sloan? It’s working! They can’t defeat it!” Sloan didn’t answer as he was in too much shock and awe over the entire incident. Suddenly the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. coiled backwards and let loose a spit of slimey goo all over the Megazord’s visual sensors.

“Perfect! Fuck them up by fucking them!” Evildron exclaimed at first, then lowered his voice while rubbing his right nipple in a circle, “Yes…yes, that’s good. That’s good.” Sloan was in a new state of horror as he first watched the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. attack the Rangers and then Evildron rubbing his own nipple. Sloan tried to talk, but he couldn’t.

“Oh my god!” screamed Tommy, “All visual sensors are offline! We’re blind, guys! What are going to do?!”

“Thank goodness the bay doors were closed!” Jen exclaimed, “You don’t want to go into this kind of thing unprotected!” Sky, blushing like crazy, just shook his head.

“Yeah, okay, let’s, uh…let’s think here! I’ve got it!” Sky shouted, “Call in the Super Megazord Flame Sabre!”

“What are you thinking, Sky?” Carlos asked, “This is no time for carne asada or even fajitas, hijo!” Tommy reached over at that point giving Carlos a high five for being so cool at that moment. Carlos felt a huge sense of pride, as any time Tommy treated you as cool, it meant something huge. I mean, Tommy was the definition of “cool”. Fonzy, who?

“There is one weakness to this monster,” Sky said. Before he could continue, Dustin interrupted him.

“You’re right! I think I saw it, too!” Dustin said, snapping is fingers, “It’s uncircumcised!”

“Brilliant, but that’s not what it could be, Dustin,” Jen chimed up, “That dick is circumcised. Trust me, I know!”

“Exactly, Jen! We’re going to attack the balls and if we can’t defeat it completely, we can at least put a hurt on it for a few days! We’ll at least be able to stop the goo attacks by giving it a vasectomy!” Sky said with all the excitement of a man with the best plan ever.

“Good plan, Sky! Let’s do it!” Tommy shouted. Everyone used their morphers to give the Megazord more power as they called upon the Super Megazord Flame Sabre.

“No! What are they doing?! What can they hope to accomplish?!” Evildron started screaming as he saw the flaming sword appear. Watching in terror, Evildron felt sick as he saw the Megazord poke directly into the balls of the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. “No!” Evildron screamed as his creation flailed about, “Retreat! We must retreat!”

“Master, why are we retreating?! I thought we were winning?” Sloan questioned, covering his nose to protect himself from the smell of burning flesh. Evildron grabbed Sloan by his shirt and began shaking him.

“No! They found my master plan’s one weakness! Also, the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. is only really good for two uses a day! Four if we took a week off,” Evildron explained to Sloan, “I took it out for a test drive earlier today. It needs to be rested!”

“Good job, Rangers! I think we definitely hit it!” Tommy congratulated everyone, “While it’s still sore, let’s finish it off!”

“Go, go, Power Rangers!” Carlos, Jen, Sky and Dustin all shouted out. With a mighty stomp, the Megazord stepped directly onto the balls while clearing the visual sensors the best they could. Even though the view from inside the Megazord stung their eyes, the Rangers were finally able to see once again! The R.A.P.E. B.O.T. was flopping around on the ground now, in absolute agony and unable to defend itself from further attack.

“Evildron! Your creation! The…the…” Sloan stuttered, pointing frantically toward the battle, quickly drawing to an end. Raising the Super Megazord Flame Sabre high in the air, the Rangers then repeatedly chopped up R.A.P.E. B.O.T. like a cucumber. Turning their back to it, in the classic “I don’t give a fuck!” pose, the monster exploded behind them in a fireball so large, it killed every human for six blocks in a 360 degree ring.

“No!” screamed Evildron in heartbreak.

“We have to get out of here before they find us!” Sloan cried as he hid against Evildron’s chest.

“Next time, Rangers! Next time!” Evildron screamed as started to fade out.

That night, the Rangers were having fun at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice bar in celebration of their victory. No one ever seemed to care when people were killed by the explosions of monsters, so the Rangers never thought anything of it either.

“That was a great fight, guys!” Sky said, tipping his red Dixie cup to everyone and slamming back a hard mixed drink.

“Yeah, I’m just glad we made it out of there all okay,” Tommy said, leaning back in his chair, “Not that I had any doubt.”

“If Evildron wants to keep fighting, we’ll keep fighting! No matter where he sends his monsters, we’ll hop to it like a bunch of Mexican jumping beans!” Carlos said with a grin and slammed back two tequila sours in rapid succession.

“Yeah, Evildron doesn’t know anything! If he really had any brains, he wouldn’t have sent a dick monster after us. A pussy would have been better, those things can take a beating!” Jen said, as she begin to suck on a pair of cherries as if she were working balls. Dustin coughed and started choking on his bitch diet drink as Tommy gave Jen a high five, filling her with pride, and making her give him a promising wink.

“So, Dustin,” Tommy started, slapping Dustin on the back, “What is the biggest dick, exactly, that you’ve seen?”


END SCENE! WOW! How awesome is that!? Yeah, I know, that’s the best fucking fan fiction you’ve ever read, isn’t it? I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before this becomes a canonical episode!

Real Life Trolling: Includes an actual bridge


Working in a restaurant can suck. Unlike in the movies, it isn’t the constant bed swap with everyone who works there. Sure, that happens, but it’s not one blur of an orgy I’d like it to be. There’s the long hours, little pay, and you always go home smelling like you rolled around in every mix of spice before deep frying yourself. Luckily, anytime someone wants any “thing” to relax, one person or another has it. Granted, it’s not all bad. Even for a cook.

Just so you guys remember, I’m in pretty good shape, but I chain smoke, and like to drink my beer as if it were grape Kool-Aide in south central Los Angeles. In other words, I down that shit like I had to keep my veins filled. I’ve got plenty of tattoos and a naturally sour disposition, so working in the restaurant is just perfect for me. The staff is generally as bitter as I am, but we like to have our fun by teasing each other.

If you’ve ever worked in a restaurant before, you know how there are certain rituals/routines you do, especially the late shift. My routine consisted of grabbing a 24 pack of cheap beer and meeting with the rest of the closers under a bridge crossing over the city river. We hang out, drink, make out, get high, and at least one “couple” gets a fuck or two in. It’s a great way to blow off steam, and generally speaking, no one bothers us since no one ever goes down there. Hell, we’re not even supposed to be down there, but whatever. Fuck the pigs. They would never be able to chase us all down, anyway.

Well on this particular night I was going to end up being alone. Most of the closing shift was also going to open, and those who didn’t either had class the next morning or other plans. “Fuck it,” I thought to myself, “No reason to waste a perfectly good spring night, right?” So, I took my beer and headed to the hang out spot, tucked myself up under the bridge, pulled my bandana lower on my brow, lit up a cigarette and cracked open a beer. I relished that beer. The dinner service was a night bred by the unholy sexcapade between the Twilight Zone and Satan’s asshole. I’m not kidding…it was odd, hot, and annoying. I closed my eyes, taking a long drag and slowly exhaled, imagining the smoke itself was all of the stress for the day…no, the god damn week escaping my body. As tranquility and the start of a buzz slowly began to set over me, as at this time I was eight beers in, my peace was disturbed by one of the most annoying sounds I have ever heard.

Have you ever heard SpongeBob SquarePants laugh, but with an odd Boston accent followed by guffaws belched out by retarded hicks trying to sound like they are 50 Cent? Be glad you haven’t, because my blood pressure instantly raised. The fact I hadn’t realized they were coming to my location wasn’t annoying enough, their laughing and voices did. Their echoed cackles off the concrete pierced my ears like a thousand rusty nails making it impossible, for the moment, for me to hear what they then continued to chatter on about. I remained in my perch, waiting for them to say something to me as they came under the bridge, but they didn’t. Instead, they stopped directly next to the edge of the concrete ledge and sat down. I realized at that moment, they had no idea I was there. So, I stayed quiet, and sipped on my beer.

Just so you know, the concrete spillway, which everyone called a river, was normally pretty close to empty. Thanks to an unusual amount of seasonal rain, the water was only about two feet below the edge. The water looked cold, but was obviously not flowing very fast…at least noticeably on the surface. I’m sure there was some undertow at work, but I’m not a fucking water scientist, so I don’t know. I’d just assume the water would be uncomfortable to swim in.

When my ears regained the ability to hear sounds again, I learned their names. Well, I kind of did. The obvious leader of the pack was named Chuck. The only reason I know this is because his little rat friend kept calling him “Chuck”. I’m not kidding…it was “Chuck” this and “Chuck” that, and “Okay, Chuck!” there, and “That’s funny, Chuck!” here. One thing was immediately obvious to me: I hated Chuck with all of my being. He was a huge piece of shit who got off on the little bit of power he had over that little rat faced punk and the girl. The douche bag wore a mostly white wife beater. The reason I say “mostly” is due to the yellow marks under the arm holes, which could be seen even in the terrible light provided by the over head street lamps. He accented the high taste in clothing by wearing pants sagged below his ass, where his red and blue stripped boxer shorts were visible. For shoes? Flip flops. Yeah…

The girl, who had an obvious red dye job and wore a tank top two sizes too tight and cut off shorts three sizes too small, was named “Bitch”. I don’t know if that was her actual name, but it’s all Chuck ever called her. The little rat faced bastard never referred to her as anything. She was also the source of the most offensively stereotypical Boston accent I had ever heard. At first I thought she was just pretending, but the more she talked the more I realized it never changed. Her voice always sucked, and almost the only thing she did was tell Chuck how great he was or repeat something he said, followed by that fucking SpongeBob laugh. If she wasn’t with these two dumb asses and didn’t have that voice, I’d have been more than happy to ruin her plumbing. That voice, though…eesh. The mere thought of her sex screams with that voice kept my penis softer than a feather.

Oh, and last but not least was Steve, also known as “dumb fuck / twat / dip shit / retard / faggot”, according to Chuck. “Bitch” was the only one to ever call him Steve, so I figure that was his God given name, not Chuck’s nicknames for him. From what I could tell, this kid was a bit younger than both Chuck and “Bitch”, but he was obviously smarter than both combined. What he was doing with both of them, I don’t know, but he always made sure not to correct Chuck or “Bitch” at any point during the conversation. Several times he had the look on his face which could be read as, “That’s…not right…but he’s the leader and she’s fucking him so I’ll be quiet!” Hell, he even dressed what I could consider “normal”. Because of his submissiveness, however, I hated him almost as much as Chuck, but not quite as much as “Bitch”…by a hair.

Yes, I had briefly thought about leaving, but since they didn’t know I was there, I figured there was no point. Over the course of about an hour, I drank the rest of my beer and watched the spectacle of the bottom of the gene pool in front of me. These geniuses discussed everything from the uber important “faggot ass cops” to “just print more money”. To say I was in awe would be an overstatement. It’s when Chuck announced he had to “take a mean fucking piss” things got interesting. Instead of going elsewhere, Chuck stood straight up, dropped his pants around his ankles, and began to pee into the water. At least at first.

See, Chuck was proving he was a big boy. With his hands on his hips, Chuck leaned backwards while pissing and let out this, “Argh wahahahahah argh!” Both Steve and “Bitch” laughed and cheered him on. In a move taken straight out of a German porn, Chuck turned toward Steve and began pissing on him. Steve did his best to block the stream from his face, but it wasn’t very effective. Whipping to the side, Chuck then began to piss on “Bitch”. Surprisingly, “Bitch” did nothing to get out of the way. Apparently she was used to being marked as territory, because she just laughed. I had enough at this point. It was time to take action.

I became a man with a mission. Deeply sucking in the last of my cigarette, I blew it out like a steam powered train before pulling my bandana over my mouth like a wild west bandit. I charged down the little hill towards them. They were still completely oblivious to my presence. I had the element of surprise!

For no reason I can fathom, perhaps fueled by my increasing inebriation, as I neared them I screamed out, “COBRA!!!!!” I was possessed by the 1980’s cartoon G.I. Joe enemies, guided by the dark hand of Cobra commander. Again, I don’t know why, but it just felt so right. It also had the desired effect of scaring the shit out of all three of them. I mean, three wannabe wiggers hanging out under a bridge at two in the morning suddenly being charged by a man in a bandana over his face is scary shit.

Chuck spun around in fear, the last bit of piss soaking his boxers and pants. He tried in vain to reach down in order to pull his pants up, but I was too fast. I jumped in the air and, using both knees against his upper body while pushing his head back with my arms, I knocked Chuck into the water. His, “WHAT THE FUCK!” was cut short as he hit the water hard. “Bitch” managed to stand and begin to run, but my main focus was Steve at this point, who was trying to scramble to his feet. I grabbed Steve by a fist full of hair, punched him in the ribs, and then threw him into the water as well, right next to Chuck. Before I could admire my work for too long, I realized “Bitch” was getting away. Like the mighty toro, I charged after her, cocked my hand back, and smacked her so hard on the ass I literally knocked her off her feet. She got a good foot or so of air as she grabbed her backside and screamed about her ass as she hit the floor. The funniest part about cracking her on the ass that hard, besides the extremely loud echo from the impact of my hand on her little butt, was how she screamed. Her accent made it sound something akin to, “Moyi awwss!”

Laughing, I beat back in the other direction, and saw Chuck desperately trying to get out of the water, but failing to do so due to his pants keeping him from pulling himself up. Steve, however, showed that small sign of intelligence and swam down stream a few yards where the ledge was shorter. It was a sign of independence and thought which would no doubt get him a severe beating by Chuck later, since Chuck saw Steve getting out of the water and began swimming his direction. Just as Steve got out of the water completely, I body slammed him back into the water, right on top of Chuck’s head. I continued to laugh as I ran towards the exit and my car. The entire time, I could hear Chuck screaming how he was going to find me and murder my family. Good luck with that buddy.

The moment I got in my car, I heard sirens in the distance. I am certain they weren’t coming for us, but I wanted to take no chances, and floored my Impala as hard as I could. That rebuilt LT1 growled to life as my tires smoked before gaining traction. All the way home I laughed. It was the best sleep and time under that bridge I had in a long time…and that includes all the fucking I had done there previously.

Diary of an Internet troll


Iz dA Sexy!

Dear Diary,
The days have meshed together with my nights.  I no longer know the date…I’m pretty sure it’s Friday some time.  I’ve seen no sunshine in weeks.  I had survived on Hot Pockets and Go Fast Energy Drinks.  Now that my Internet connection is working again, I am out on the prowl for that tasty treat known as forum board posters.  These noobs and faggots need to be taught a lesson…a lesson that only I can provide!

For instance, that one homo, known as ChillMega52 over at http://www.ILoveTheFatties.com, made the mistake of telling everyone that his mother was sick and possibly dying.  I couldn’t let that juicy bit of information go sympathized with.  No, I quickly informed him that this was God’s way of judging not only him, but also his entire family because of how much he sucks at life.

Mmmm…how his hate ran down the back of my throat like a thick steak as his tears provided me with the seasoning to make it that much more delicious!  As the rage filed in from the other homos such as MilkMan_Diddy, SarahTerra, BlueRobbin_Cabbage, Dillan_Dangerous and others I drank it down like the sweetest of the sweet teas my wonderful grandmother used to make.  DANCE, PUPPETS, DANCE!!!!

Even with such succulent morsels devoured, I was far from full.  Such hate and rage was but an appetizer for me, for my hunger is insatiable! Quickly, I headed over to the http://www.ApocoCattleTaco.com forum to see what kind of sickening group hug the community was giving each other while the wolf was away.

Let me tell you, diary, that what I saw was worse than ever.  Not only was everyone getting along, but they were having civil conversations.  Basically, they were jacking each other off through Internet text.  I knew these people were a bunch of faggots and sluts, but my word…this was just sick.

To keep peace from having a chance, I quickly began to spread word that their beef was tainted due to their cows licking their taints.  Further fanning the fires of hate, I made sure to point out that only bull dykes and queers were eating this meat.  Let’s face it, if you’re shoving these things down your throat, you gotta be gay!

How the Internet rage poured in!  It was like a seven course meal for me!  Even the resident Internet Tuff Guy, nicknamed TrentBlueRider2727, was out in full force trying to put me down.  It’s as if they know I starve and bring out the head chef to give me a special meal!

At this time, diary, I am tired and spent from masturbating to the new posts and Flickr images of Lara Croft all day, so I must retire back under my bridge…I mean into my bed.  Only for the lulz would I ever actually say that!


I’m an artist, you’re an ass!

Dear Diary,
I have begun branching out to new Internet sources.  No longer am I content to just sit around and spend my time trolling obvious websites.  The obvious websites, such as Gaming resources, are beginning to annoy me.  I know!  The irony is not lost on my massive brain!!!

The biggest problem I’m having is an influx of posers and noob queers thinking they have what it takes to steal my job from me.  Rather than contend with their vastly inferior tactics, I am going to leave them to the masses.  Those who are glad to see me leave will beg for me to return, as what I do is an art, and what they do is trivial ass drippings!  One day they’ll see that a post from me is a god send compared to the flood of shit sacks about to be presented.

These noobs have no finesse, no tact, no brain!  You can’t just come on and tell everyone you’re the greatest thing to exist.  No one will care.  You can’t just go into a forum and repeatedly post spam…that’s going to get you banned.  It’s like a five year old with a bucket of paint, kicking it over, and then finger painting on a wall.  It’s not really expression as much as it is a retard trying to fit into society.

Before my own rage turns inward, I will leave for the time being.


Who’s that trit-trotting over my bridge?!

Dear Diary,
My new virgin hunting grounds are fertile!  Just as I like my women: Untouched, unsuspecting, and willing to take it no matter how much it hurts!

The site in question is http://www.TheCancerSurvivor.com.  I am amazed no one has set up shop in these websites.  Honestly, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel…using a gun loaded fucking AIDS!  Simply stating anything other than these people are survivors or that you feel their pain of losing a loved one is an unending feast of hatred.

Having gone into a single thread that was ten pages long granted me the status I so desperately needed: Official Asshole.  They may not have referred to me as a troll, but that is because they are scared.  For to speak my name and of my nature is to bring in the wrath of Hell upon you!  I am “he whom they do not speak”.  For I am their demon.

Cancer may have been their worst enemy at one point, but I am now their unending nightmare.  They have beaten back the odds, but they can never beat me back.  Each post, each new member, is a delicate finger food which I shall snap up in a moment’s notice!


Kneel before your god!

Dear Diary,
HA!  I say again, HA!  One of those no titty sluts from the cancer forum has claimed she turned me into the authorities!  HA for once more!

So, instead of backing down, I came out full force.  I posted pictures of me giving them the middle finger, of my ass, and of course, the coup de grace, my penis!  At this point, she even sent me some fake notice, nicely Photoshopped, claiming to be from my local pig factory.  Like they give a damn!  Go fuck yourself, CancerBeater_14F!  I’ve got something you can beat on!  I AM A GOD AND YOU ARE SCUM!!!!

That’s strange…Diary, I will be back.  Some dumbass is pounding on my door and screaming.

—–

User account has been suspended pending legal investigation


Posted 4/17/2010 at 4:18 AM on Xanga

How To Troll: A Sunrie Guide

Yes, trolling. It’s an art. There’s a fine line between trolling, being a complete waste of bandwidth, and just looking like the pathetic moron that you are. However, do not fret, my friends! For with “Sunrie’s Guide to Trolling” you will multiple ways of being an effective Internet troll. This lesson, like all firsts tastes, is completely free! We’ll start off with the basics and then go on to specific types of trolls with brief overviews of each.
 
 
Trolling Basics

1. Communication
First and foremost, to be an effective troll, you must be able to communicate well. While this may seem counter intuitive to some, the effective troll knows how to get the intended reaction with well placed communication. This may be done with what appears to be terrible typing skills, deplorable grammar and syntax, abysmal spelling, or even with near perfect grammar, syntax, typing skills, and spelling. No matter what you choose, make sure that you’re doing it well.
 
 
2. Conducting Yourself Versus One/Multiple
Now, what you don’t want to do is go in with guns blazing at your intended target(s). Too many would be trolls make the mistake of going all out right away. You should avoid direct, instant insults to the target(s). For instance, if your target is talking about how many books s/he has read in the year so far, don’t go in there like this:

These books are fucking retarded just like you! Stupid cunt/assmunch! Fuck you!

It’s not effective and is only going to get you blocked. No one will care what you think when you go in like this. What you want to do is more of the following:

Who cares? This is what you’re doing with your time? Certainly explains a lot!

Why? Well, what you “asked” first is probably what 90% of all the other people reading what the target(s) have written anyway. The second and third part insinuate you, and possibly others, see the target(s) as stupid or uneducated in things outside the books, which is probably true. There will be a few people who will start a flame war against you trying to defend the target(s) and the target(s) will most like try to defend themselves, resulting in them looking more like a tool. This is your goal.
 
 
3. Conducting Yourself Versus Multiple
Now, if you’re going after multiple targets there are a few ways of going about it. One way is doing so from your own website or from a topic in which you create. Another way of doing it is by hijacking a topic created by another user, chatline, etc. Both are performed essentially the same and this is a very effective way to annoy or piss off many people at once.

Again, you won’t want to go in firing off everything at once. You need a little bit of subtlety with this. Here’s an example of what not to do:

Look at all the fucking retards here. Someone call the bitch police, because there’s nothing except for fucktards here!

You’ll just get ignored by the majority of the people. Sure one or two people will try to bitch back at you, but they, too, will mostly likely get kicked and/or banned. You need some finesse with this. What do I mean? Well, let’s say you’re in a chatline or an entry with a large group of people of the same mind set and all they are doing is jacking each other off about how smart they all are and how much they all agree with each other. You’ll want to call attention to that, but in an easy way:

Is everyone going to just stand around hugging each other? When you crybabies are done with the group therapy, let’s get to some big-boy talk.

Not only are you letting them know they are just going around and around with no actual thought, but you’re implying their intelligence is on par with a preschooler. Again, this is probably true.
 
 
4. Adding Shock Value
A really good way to do this is to start your own topic and make claims that are just enough to be believable. While you might not actually believe, say, absolutely every Muslim is a Jew beating, day care center bombing terrorist (no matter how true), you’re going to want to make statements which lead people to believe you do.

You don’t want to make the entire topic that outrageous, of course. There has to be a lot of other things which are completely believable and actually reflect your views, in a reasonable way, sprinkled through out. An example? Well, you just had one in the previous paragraph. Here it is emphasized for the slower learners:

While you might not actually believe, say, absolutely every Muslim is a Jew beating, day care center bombing terrorist (no matter how true), you’re going to want to make statements which lead people to believe you do.

The highlighted area is what I’m talking about. See how everything up until that point is somewhat reasonable and believable? Another example is when I made an entry about just saying Merry Christmas. I told people I would make up the letter to the Xanga staff for them. Here it is (bold sections are done as they were originally):

Dear Xanga Administration,This is about a user named Sunrie. He expresses an opinion which greatly differs from mine and that offends me. Like, greatly offends me. It offends me so bad that I cried harder than an African woman who just watched her entire family get carpet bombed in a tribe war.

Can you please delete his account? I believe that we should all have the right to say and feel the way that I think is the right way, and if you don’t then you should be removed. Thank you, I greatly appreciate it.

Sincerely,

(Put your Username)

P.S. If you don’t do this, then I will write an entry about how you guys don’t care about anyone. Thanks!

Do you see where the shock value is added up in there? Not only am I implying they are simply being moronic for being upset at a differing opinion, but the comment of “…I cried harder than an African woman who just watched her entire family get carpet bombed in a tribe war…” is there to make the reader offended and shocked…hence the purpose of shock value.
 
 
5. Stringing Along
This can be easy or hard depending on your trolling skills. If your bait is good enough, then you will have your target(s) on the line and you can just start reeling them in. With everything learned up until this point, you will want to continue doing it. Don’t start going overboard with insults or claims. You can make or break a great deal of effort here. The last thing you want to do is ruin what you have going.

If done right, you can have this go on for hours, days, weeks, or even months. A good example of keeping a fish on the line is here in two of my entries: Running the Poodle Parade and Psycho at MySpace. The Psycho at MySpace is a great example of being able to keep someone talking and coming back while you’re making outrageous claims against them.

What generally will happen is your target(s) will try their hardest to put you in your place, while trying to make themselves look better, and they just won’t let it go. Ideally you will sucker in someone else to join in the conversation because you and your target(s) are going at it for so long. They will feel the need to throw their hat into the ring, not realizing they are getting trolled along with your original target(s). Good job if you do this! It is most effective in a forum or chatline.
 
 
Types of Trolls

Now that you have a small understanding of the basics, it’s time to decide what kind of troll you want to be. Even though there are a few choices, most troll types are sub-species, and so I won’t list them here.
 
 
1. Sock Puppet
This type of troll creates doubt and arguments within the community at large. They enter into a conversation with a seemingly genuine interest in the subject matter while also criticizing the other people’s views. Xanga liberals and atheists are prime examples of this. They typically post up a bunch of brainwashed, inane bullshit in order to get their “enemies” to be upset. An example of how to start this type of trolling is the following:

I really like Singer X, but do you think s/he is strong with Song Types Y?

 
 
2. Newbie Sneaks
A type of troll who pretends to be new to either the subject matter or the workings of a site/game. The goal is to act as innocent as possible while creating a very hostile environment for everyone helping, thus getting others to start flinging insults. When this happens, the troll then starts pointing out how mean the target(s) is/are while keeping up the charade of the victim.
 
 
3. Flame Baiters
What everyone generally thinks of when the word troll is spoken. The troll does everything to get other people riled up and flinging insults at, not only the troll, but eventually each other as well. The discussion will eventually dive into a full fledged flame war, which is only put to an end when a moderator or administrator steps in and either bans users, or locks the topic.
 
 
4. Colluding Trolls
How to explain…basically a troll with no personal vendetta or target(s) and simply trolls because another troll is…well…trolling. Think of these trolls as something akin to ronin, or master less samurai. Even though that is an insult to ronin everywhere, it’s pretty much the same. The troll is out to cause problems, sees another troll causing problems, and joins in to help.

The colluding troll can either be doing so in order to take over the roll of main troll or can even try to make it seem like more people think the way the initial troll does. Said troll can eventually bring in so many other trolls entire communities, blogs, or servers can be shut down because of it. Colluding trolls aren’t talentless, just aimless.
 
 
Think Before You Troll!

I probably should have post this part earlier, but what do I care? I couldn’t care less about you people. You aren’t as good as I am, so don’t try to copy me.

With that said, you really should think before you troll. Don’t be a dumb ass about it. The last thing you want to do is have all your personal information and private life out there for people to pick apart. Granted, most of the time when people do such, they’re just being idiots grasping at straws, but do you really want to deal with it?

A great example of listing the personal information and private life of a troll in a good way was done by ItIsAllGravy on his entry listed here: Think Before You Troll. Without giving away too much of the entry, ItIsAllGravy basically throws it all out about the troll Explosive. Go read the entry, it’s great.

Explosive is a prime example of a failure as a troll. She has too much information about herself out there, doesn’t know how to be subtle, and just goes after the wrong people. Good job, dipshit, you made it on my entry as a bad example. At least you aren’t a complete waste. Oh, and ItIsAllGravy, keep it up, man!

Get On Out There!

Great! You have a basic understanding of how to troll and you have a list of trolling types. What are you waiting for?

————-
Posted 5/2/2011 at 2:53 AM on Xanga