Blue Dawn: Recounting the Smurf War

Pride. They say pride comes before the fall. The Bible says in Proverbs 16:5, “Everyone who is proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD; Assuredly, he will not be unpunished.” Pride is even defined by Merriam-Webster as “A feeling that you are more important or better than other people.” It is pride  exactly why the world suffered the tragedies during what we now call The Blue Dawn when we battled against the Smurfs. Tragedy is a soft word compared to the horrendous nature of the event, and only those who fought, survived, and are now haunted by the event can tell the true nature of what actually happened.

Recounted here is but one soldier’s experience during the war. Yes, it is heavily abridged, as the tale is long and melts the iciest of hearts. The information comes from many points of view and are woven together in this yarn as one cohesive piece told from the first person. As the dawn gives way to the twilight, so to does the darkness give way to light, even if the soothing morning light feels more distant and slower to come than the blanketing of darkness. We will live. We will heal. We must never forget.


Blue on Black: When it began

BRRZ! BRRZ! BRRZ! The alarm set on my cell phone next to my bed screamed as though it were a banshee alerting the world to its arrival, while the vibration function I always had set caused the phone to dance on the wireless charging port. Groaning, I turned and picked the wicked thing up, desperately trying to slide the screen to “off”. With so much fog in my head and blurring in my eyes, my phone fought with me all the way to the bathroom. I swear, this damned device knew me too well to simply be allowed to shut off right away.

Managing to silence this accursed device, I looked down as I began to brush my teeth. 4:01 AM Central European Time Zone (GMT+1). Formation would be at 5:00 AM and I couldn’t be late. I was never late. I’m sure everyone wants to know…and yes…I was stuck with a “bad company”, but not because I was a screw up or a criminal. Don’t get me wrong, most of the people I served with were. I just had a “bad attitude” and pissed off the wrong people enough times to end up here. They thought it would be hilarious to make me a corporal instead of a sergeant and put me in charge of a squad of people who were both accused and convicted of crimes, but their efficiency and penchant for acceptable violence would have been wasted in the stockade over in Leavenworth. The one blessing, however, is I was at Caserma Del Din, attached as back up for the 173rd Airborne Brigade Combat Team.

I had just jumped into the shower and allowed the warm water to massage my body, washing away the previous day and cleansing me for the new to day to come, when I first felt it.

Rattle. Rattle. Small shake.

At first I payed little attention to it, rationalizing it as me being still in the process of waking up.

Rattle. Stronger shake. Rattle. Rattle.

There it was again. This time, a little heavier and more obnoxious. I stepped forward in the shower, the water still hitting my back, and touched the wall. Maybe it was just the water heater or the pipes?

Boom followed by an extremely large tremor then rattling and shaking. I heard the sirens going off, so I swiped the razor down my face one last time and leapt out of the shower with the fury of a honey badger. I had never dressed so fast in my life and I left the house with such fever that I didn’t even bother to lock my door.

My god. The world was on fire! Explosions rocked the area not far from me and the smoke was filling the sky. Many of the families were screaming and making their way to the designated safe zones.

“Calahan! WAIT UP!” I called out to one of my platoon mates and jumped into the street as I saw him rushing up in a jeep.

“Abromoff! You’re alive!” Calahan screamed after his vehicle came to a screeching halt, “Get the fuck in!!!” I didn’t need any convincing, and I jumped into his HMVEE. I was barely inside when he took off down the street. Looking around, I saw several of my squad mates in the vehicle as well, looking as confused and amped up as I was.

“God damn Muslim invasion?!” Murai asked, looking around at the chaos outside.

“No fucking way, dude!” Garney stated, as if he already knew, “There’s no way they could catch us that off guard! Not here, man!”

“Then what the hell is going on? Who’s attacking us?!” I asked, knowing full well no one else knew, but I couldn’t help it. I was nervous and angry. Calahan was doing one hell of a job as he drove through the bits of upturned asphalt and pot holes. There was  suddenly flash of light and pressure. I remember hearing Calahan say, “Oh sh..” before the noise deafened me.

What is it like to be in an explosion? Pressure, heat, and chaos. It is all pressure, heat and chaos my dear friends. If ever in my life I had known I was to avoid Hell at all costs, this was it. The ringing in my ears was unbearable and I was so disoriented I couldn’t even understand that I was still alive, and relatively unhurt. I crawled several feet through the wreckage before having enough strength to push myself up onto my knees, belly down. Strange how in these moments you can remember some things so clearly and focus on something that seems so irrelevant… Below me was a piece of yellow paper. I reached down and picked it up.

“Wrapping paper?” I thought as I wrinkled it in my fist. I must have blacked out at that moment, because the next thing I remember is being draped across Captain Santos’ shoulder as he ran down the street and into a building. Guess I made some kind of noise, because he set me down gently in a chair and knelled in front of me.

“Abromoff? You with me? Hey! You with me soldier?” Santos asked, gently slapping me on the face. I could hear again. Thank God. Still, I could only nod in affirmative and weakly salute.

“Good!” he stated and stood up, and looked around the room, “Now listen up, assholes. We’re obviously being invaded. Every major military installation across the world is being hit right now.”

“God damn sand niggers!” I heard a voice in the back call out.

“Shut your god damn cock holster, private! This is no Islamic Jihad! When I say EVERY major military installation across the world is being hit, I mean EVERY nation and EVERY military is being hit! Terrorist training camps are being wiped out left and right,” Captain Santos informed everyone. There was a hush which actually helped me snap out of my daze.

“If it’s not a Jihad, what is this, sir?” I asked, finally able to speak and sitting up straighter.

“I saw it,” I heard Calahan say. He was alive? Oh thank god…so was Murai and Garney! Those three were always the luckiest sons of bitches I had ever known. Their luck must have rubbed off on me.

“What did you see, private?” Captain Santos asked with absolute interest.

“What’s attacking us. Well, I didn’t see it really clearly, but, I swear to you god…Look, I’m not trying to get a fucking section 8 here, okay?” Calahan stated, waiving his hands at everyone, “I’m not a fucking lunatic, got it?”

“Well, what the hell did you see?!” Winther, one of our sergeants asked, “That’s an order. OUT WITH IT!”

“Okay, look…it was small so I didn’t see it all that well, but it right before the explosion I swear I saw something blue running away just before from where the explosion happened,” Calahan told him.

“What?!!” a voice I didn’t recognize at the time shouted from behind me.

“That’s all I’m saying!” Calahan stated and sat back down.

“Right. At least it’s something. We’re two blocks from the armory. Everyone stick together and move like a god damn trained platoon of soldiers, got it?!” Captain Santos shouted and moved toward the back door indicating everyone to follow him.


Truth is a Stranger Thing Than Fiction

Two months. It had been two months since the start of the attack and we still couldn’t believe what was happening. The Smurfs. The god damn fucking Smurfs were attacking us all around the world. Many people didn’t even believe they existed, or even knew, kind of how some people thought Narwhals are mythical creatures, even in this modern day. What did we really know about them anyway? The information we had said there was only one village in a place called The Forbidden Forest, either in France or England. Story goes only the Smurfs and Mother Nature knew the actual location. There was a place in Juzcar, Spain nicknamed The Smurf Village because of the blue houses. We thought they were doing it as a joke and a simple reference. No one thought it was to appease the ever growing angry and violent Smurfs in the area. How were we supposed to know there was more than one Smurf village?

We had been moved to RAF Lakenheath to get briefed on a counter attack in order to take back London. This entire thing was a shit show from the beginning. We had been caught with our pants down because we thought the Smurfs were beneath us, in stature, in resourcefulness, and in technology. Smurfs are 3 inches to 7.5 inches tall? My ass. These things were proportioned like the cartoon drawings of them, but stood on average four feet tall. Strong as hell, too. What they lacked in pure military training they made up for in pure aggression. No idea how many of these things they were. They seemed endless.

All said and done, my battalion had lost over 100 men and we were nearing bare bones in supplies. This was going to be one last ditch effort to get a supply line back as well as take back a major city. We were beginning to see success in many locations by changing our tactics. War was never going to be the same, because if World War II didn’t end all wars, this was simply teaching every military regime in the world a different way to fight…and human nature always proves we’ll use it against each other rather than a realization we need to stop fighting all together.

Every time we had a briefing it was depressing. We were being told we were going to fight, but then we never would. Every briefing ended the same: Promises of action followed by waiting around. The Army motto really should just officially change to “Hurry and Wait!”

“Something has been bothering me,” Garney stated as we made our way to the briefing room.

“Just one thing?” I asked mockingly.

“Oh, fuck you,” Garney said in defense, “Remember when this all started and Calahan said he saw something small run away from where the explosion happened? Then why are we fighting Smurfs the size of middle school kid?” This was a fair question, and one no one even seemed to consider or bring up. Why were the Smurfs so tall? Did we just have the wrong information? Were there smaller Smurfs sent out for recon? If so, then how could we ever know if we were being watched? They’d be like rats sneaking in to the pantry through the tiniest hole.

“Look, what I saw was small. I don’t know why these ones are big, okay?” Calahan stated flatly.

“Who cares. Just let me kill more. I haven’t killed enough of those peyos!” Murai stated and pounded his chest. It was a sentiment I agreed with, but never actually said out loud. We had taken to offensively naming them peyo after the scientist who first recorded them back in the 1950’s and published the earliest research papers about them. Before that, they were either considered extinct or a myth. Like the coelacanth.

We reached the briefing room and took our usual seats. That’s strange…leading today’s briefing was as colonel leading the briefing today. Colonel Finch, actually. She had earned a reputation for going out into the field and fighting, actually leading charges, rather than sitting back and drinking while wondering if there really was a battle even actually going on. This woman had bigger and badder balls than most of the people I knew. Probably even myself.

“No way!” I heard Murai whisper as he saw the colonel standing at the front and beginning the presentation, “If she’s here…we might actually get to do something.”

“Alright. Everyone shut up and listen because this is important, I out rank you, and we’re going full battle rattle after this!” Colonel Finch belted out. It was like she was wearing a microphone with how powerful her voice projected, “We’re taking London back. TODAY. I will not settle for anything less than complete victory and no casualties. This is a four part strike mission. You are part three of this four part attack and we don’t have much time for me to go over this. Starting at 0200 this morning and continuing on was the first part of the campaign. Leading the attack was the 302d Fighter Squadron, The Red Devils, accompanied by the 77th Fighter Squadron, The Gamblers to take down the outside air patrols. At 0300 this morning the 6th Bombardment Squadron, Very Heavy, North Field, started a two hour bombing campaign to take out strategic locations around London. Yes, we did confirm the use of portals by the Smurfs, however, it seems these portals are tied to specific locations and if the integrity is not maintained, the portals shut down…seemingly for good. Now it’s your turn, soldiers. You’re all going in with heavy ground support to mop up any left over resistance. Report to your commanding officers for deployment order and what armor division you will be escorted by. MOVE YOUR ASSES OUT NOW!!!”

Everyone leapt from their seat and began to file out. We already had our gear ready for us, so it was a simple matter of picking it all up, getting hemmed up and in line. We were greeted by Captain Santos ordering everyone as close to him as possible instead of us getting to formation.

“Listen up, you sacks! We’re moving in first. That’s what being in a bad company means! I have been informed once this is all over, anyone surviving this bullshit is getting a full pardon and an honorable discharge…if they want to leave. Just remember that if you’re thinking about dying! Die and you’re still a criminal, got that?!” he shouted out. Everyone shouted a loud, “Yes, sir!” and he continued, “Alright, we’re moving out with the 40th Armor Division. They’ll watch our asses, so you make sure they don’t get blown to shit, got that?! NOW MOVE!!!”

We all ran to the APC closest to us and crammed in.

“God damn…we’re really putting our trust in a bunch of weekend warriors form California?!” I heard a familiar voice ask.

“When was the last time any of us had time off? Do you really think people are only here on the fucking weekends now? Shut the fuck up!” I heard Sargent Winther shout out from somewhere in the APC.

“Point taken!” the voice familiar voice said again. This time, I had peeked around Garney and saw who was talking. God damn…it was Sergeant Bennett. He was smiling like a maniac and holding his M24. We had a sniper on our team and it was one of the best I had ever known. I felt better.

The entire ride into London was silent. At least inside the APC. Outside, explosions and gun fire rank out like it was a birthday party gone crazy. Once the doors opened, the silence was shattered with screams and the thunder of foot steps as we piled out and made our way to cover. Captain Santos gave the orders on where each squad was to move into and we moved without question. We were going to clear standing buildings looking for surviving peyo…I mean Smurfs and either take them out or capture them. It was our discretion. We knew no one in my squad was doing to take anything alive. I wasn’t about to make them and I had no desire to.

For hours we cleared the way and killed any Smurf we came across. All around us the sound of gun fire became more and more sparse and the skies were cleared of any opposition. Silence was once again beginning to become normal until an explosion rocked on of our HMVEE ahead of us, killing everyone inside. Was it a mortar? No…we didn’t hear it fall…and the blast had been directed toward the car…this was an IED. God damn Smurfs were starting to play dirty again.

“Fuck, man! What the fuck!” Murai shouted, as we hunkered behind some rubble, regrouping.

“Anyone see who did it? Anything?!” I shouted at my squad. No one had seen anything except the explosion. Fluttering down like a peaceful snowflake in front of me was something yellow on one side and white on another. I reached out and grabbed it. “Wrapping paper?” I asked out loud in thought. Suddenly the memory of the beginning of the war spring board to the front of my mind.

“It’s what?” Garney asked, reaching for the paper, “It is wrapping paper…”

“This is the same thing I saw back when we were hit in Italy…must be the same mother fucker!” I seethed in anger, gripping my weapon.

“There! Off to the side! Two blocks up!” one of my squad mates shouted. I looked over the rubble pile and saw a Smurf running down the road carrying a yellow box with a red bow. He placed it down at the side of the road and began running toward us again…reaching behind him and producing another box of the same nature. He must have been using some kind of portal to bring the boxes to him, because there’s no way he was carrying these things in a pocket.

“That’s the son of a bitch putting down IEDs!” I said and grabbed the radio, “Hey, Sargent Bennett! About two blocks up! Smurf running with an IED! Yellow box and red bow! WE gotta stop him!” I didn’t receive a response on radio, instead, I heard the report of a rifle followed by a large explosion from where the Smurf was. Pieces of blue flesh rained down on us for a few seconds.

“I got that joker. Thought he was fucking funny, did he?” I heard Sargent Bennett report over the radio. After that…everything went quiet and we regrouped.


Hammer of Thor: Lightening Doesn’t Need to Strike Twice

We thought we had won. We thought we were victorious. We were so sure of ourselves that we let down our guard and didn’t see we were exactly where the enemy wanted us. The true enemy. The one who was pulling all the strings. Pride is a bitch.

Everyone had just sat down to have some nice HOT A’s and to relax when there was a commotion from the helicopter landing pads. Jumping up, I rushed past everyone to see what was going on. The heftiest Smurf I had ever seen beating soldiers with his bare hands. Others had opened fire on him, but it seemed to be doing little. That’s when I saw it, but no one else had. Some Smurf with more brains than brawn jumped into one of the Blackhawks and was taking off. There was no way I was going to get to the helicopter before it took off, but I knew being down even one chopper at this point would be extremely handicapping and something so mobile in the hands of the Smurfs would be disastrous. What could I do, though? The Blackhawk was already taking off and leaving the area. I happened to look past the fighting soldiers and saw an RPG…it must have been brought in by one of the Smurfs! Faster than I had ever run in my life, I ran to that RPG and grabbed it, checking to make sure everything was ready. I dropped to one knee, aligned the chopper and fired.

The rocket roared forth in anger, spewing fire and smoke as if it were a dragon hellbent on revenge. As though guided by the hand of God, the I watched as the rocket made contact with the side of the Blackhawk and it exploded. Wrenching sideways and bellowing hell fire, the chopper spin like an out of control top as it plummeted to earth in the same fashion Icarus surely did as he flew too close to the sun. Luckily, it crashed in an area devoid of anyone else. About the same time, the berserk smurf was finally killed…but so were six of our own.

“Stop where you are!” I heard a voice from one of the towers call out over the fence. Looking over, I saw a figure in the distance, distorted by heat haze and smoke. I numbly dropped the RPG and made my way to the gate, grabbing a dropped rifle on the way. Whoever, or whatever, this was too big to be a Smurf. Funny how I thought that, given we didn’t know the Smurfs could be as tall as we witnessed. However, whoever, or whatever, this was didn’t have a hat on like the others. It seemed to walk slightly hunched over, and it was carrying something…a book?

The warning sirens went off once again and everyone prepared for the worst. I stayed at the guard shack, weapon at the ready. I heard them ordering the figure to halt repeatedly, but it continued toward us until I could finally see it clearly. A man. Just a man. He stood just under six feet tall, had a slouched back, and wore what I could only describe as an old fashioned black monk’s robe. Around his waist, holding everything closed, was a rope and he had red shoes on, not unsimilar to what the Smurfs wore. His face was slightly twisted, almost like a demon with a piked nose, and what hair he had on his balding head was greasy.

He stood in the middle of the road, one hand behind him and the other out in front of him, holding a book. If you have believed anything in this tale, then believe me when I saw the book seemed to move…the book was alive and looked to be in disgust, almost agony, of being in his possession. He grinned wickedly. I could hear his words as his voice echoed out only fifty yards from my position.

“I am so glad you were all able to join me at the appointed time!” he laughed out, waiving the book in front of him, “It is so nice when guests arrive at the proper time and numbers!”

“State your business!” I heard Colonel Finch over the speaker? She was alive? Of course she was…she was too tough to die. I should have known that… “Do not approach any closer!”

“What do you know of my business!? What could you possibly comprehend?! NOTHING!  YOU ARE ALL NOTHING! You have done everything I have wanted and more! The only thing I have left is to close up some loose ends!” the person shouted and suddenly flipped the book to look at him, “Great Book of Spells! I, Gargamel, your master and owner demand of you this day, being the last phase of the full moon, to grant me the spell I seek!”

“What is it you seek, foolish one!” the book stated back.

“I demand a spell to make me the biggest, and greatest wizard of them all! I wish to stand above all others and squish my enemies!” Gargamel shouted with a laugh to the book.

“Another selfish and pointless request! Stomp three times, turn twice, and then your enemies shall seem small as mice!” the book instructed back. Gargamel did just that…and in a flash of white energy surrounding him he began to grow. He did not stop growing until he towered above all the buildings like a video game end boss. His voice boomed out in a deafening tone as he laughed and began to smash everything around him. “Everyone, including the Smurfs, thought they were better than me! Outcast me! TURNED ME AWAY LIKE A FREAK! Now I will make you all pay!” he shouted out in a voice so loud it hurt my ears.

“NOW!” I heard Colonel Finh’s voice once again over the speaker. I can hardly explain what happened next. I saw lightening fly across the darkened, but cloudless sky, straight for Gargamel. At first, he was laughing, but his face twisted to an even more disgusted look and he began screaming in pain. He attempted to block the lightening hitting him constantly in the chest, but his fingers were burned through and fell from his body. That lightening began to eat through his body until he had an large hole in his chest. No blood. The wound had been cauterized by the heat. He toppled backwards and began to shrink back to normal size as he did so, until he landed like a sack of potatoes on the ground. The entire base began to cheer.


Conflict’s End

It was weeks before I learned it was none other than Captain Santos who fired that shot. The weapon was the fourth stage in the strike and had been nicknamed Thor’s Hammer. Someone had learned there was a force driving the Smurfs to start the war, but wasn’t exactly sure who it was, however, they knew they were hiding in London. We were there to drive them out of hiding, and hopefully, put a stop to all of it. The fighting had immediately stopped after Gargamel was killed, and the Smurfs went back into hiding, but not before someone designated Papa Smurf presented conditions of peace and agreed to never cause problems again. The USA, at least, agreed to leave the Smurfs alone and ordered both a no visit and no fly zone where the Smurfs were actually located. No civilian was ever told the specific spot they lived.

Those of us who have fought and lived through this are the ones most affected. Closing my eyes at night brings sweats and I can’t have any thing blue around me. The Blue Man Group was officially exonerated of all charges of being spies for the Smurfs when the truth had come out, but they had to be disbanded because no one trusted them anymore.

This was the worst war since the one fought by a soldier, who’s letters my father found in the wall of his own home. Makes me think my cousin was right about this Chuck E. Cheese place…wonder how he’s doing…


I had promised to post this so many times…it came to me when I was drugged up to have a double wisdom tooth extraction. I also saw a giant purple turkey, but that isn’t as exciting as this. I’ve turned this into a short story, and when I tell it verbally, it’s a bit different of course.

Advertisements

Spiritual Pressure Overload! (Most epic, best damn Power Rangers and Bleach fan fiction crossover ever written!)

Power Rangers: Multiverse - Spiritual Pressure Overload!

“O Lord, mask of blood and flesh, all creation, flutter wings, you who bears the name of Man, Inferno and Pandemonium, the sea barrier surges, march on to the south! Shakkahō!”

Streaking out across the sky, the red energy ball flies with incredible speed toward the hollow.

“Ichigo, now!” Rangiku shouts out as the blast smacks the beast in the face, blinding it and forcing it sliding backwards.

“ON IT! Rukia, back me up!” Ichicgo instructs as he rushes forward with a powerful shunpo.

“I’m with you!” Rukia called back, dashing to the backside of the creature from her flanking position.

They had been hunting this hollow for weeks now and they weren’t going to give it a chance to get away this time. Oddly, this hollow had the spiritual pressure close to most arrancar, but it wasn’t even a vasto lorde, let alone an adjucha. No one hunting it, even Mayuri Kurotsuchi, understood it, but he was excited for the opportunity to dissect it as quickly as possible. Having been named Glutton B by Shunsui Kyōraku, the hallow managed to make a mess of both Karakura Town and Kagomino City as well. Devouring around three hundred souls a week, Glutton B needed to be stopped immediately.

Converging on the hollow, both Ichigo and Rukia raised their weapons for a strike. Eyes flashing, Glutton B stopped mid-slide and stretched both arms out to its side while laughing. Just as the duo brought their zanpakuto down on it, a bright flash, followed by a massive air blast rang out, blinding everyone. When the dust settled, neither Ichigo, Rukia nor the hollow could be seen. Their spiritual pressure completely gone from detection.

At that same moment…
Blocking the kick aimed at his head, Dustin moved forward in counter attack, punching Sky directly in his balls. Sky tried to scream in pain, but couldn’t be heard, his voice in such a high registry humans couldn’t hear it. Several dogs began barking in terror and apathy of the agony they were hearing, however. Channeling his Ranger powers into his feet, Dustin jumped into the air, taking Sky with him by the crotch and dropped him off five feet higher than he was. With an epic back-flip finish, Dustin landed on the mat slightly before Sky did, who sounded like a sack of semi-rigid dicks upon impact.

Everyone in the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice Bar cheered at how awesome the fight they just watched was. It was literally one of the most epic non-morphed fight sequences witnessed, and that’s saying something. Imagine the best fight ever made by Proxicide, you know, the guy who made Street Fighter vs Mortal Kombat, and R1665, the guy who made Exiles, and then amp it to 11 from their 11, giving you about 23 with carrying over shitting yourself, and that’s what you’d have seen. Look, sometimes your imagination is better than what you’d read, so…yeah…

“I know someone who’s going to let her junk be treated like a punching bag!” Jen exclaimed, jumping up and down, clapping her hands. Walking away like a bad ass, Dustin simply shook the hand he used to give Sky the most permanent vasectomy ever provided. Throwing herself against Dustin, Jen started to dry hump him in front of everyone.

“That’s amazing… Ziggy, the power enhancers you had Doctor K create are some serious bad ass technology,” Tommy stated, giving Ziggy a high five for being so cool, but this was Ziggy Grover…the Ranger god, so Tommy was really just wanting to touch him.

“Of course. You’ll have half access to Ranger power at any time when not morphed. Understandably, you won’t ever be as powerful as me even still,” Ziggy stated, combing his hair back and fixing his sunglasses. Ziggy was so awesome he even wore the shades inside most of the time and no one ever said a word about it. It also helped his glasses doubled as a means to detect trouble and were completely clear when looking through them on the inside when necessary. Several people rushed over to help Sky by dragging him into a chair and placed a few whiskey sours in front of him. Sky’s eyes were rolled back into his head and a constant stream of drool spilled from his mouth.

“Ay dios mio! He doesn’t look good!” Carlos exclaimed, grabbing Sky’s wrist and checking his pulse, “Well, his heart is beating, but that swelling in his pants isn’t from a churro!” Groaning in a high pitched whine was Sky’s only response.

“Well, as long as he’s alive, he’ll be fine,” Dustin stated through the tongue bath Jen was currently giving him, “Come on, Jen. Let’s finish this in the bathroom like responsible young adults!” Jen simply giggled after jumping off Dustin and grabbed his wrist, dragging him into the men’s room.

“I hope they don’t slip on the mess in the men’s room. I don’t think anyone cleaned up since Jen and I were in there ten minutes ago. I feel bad for whoever has to as well. It’s dripping from the ceiling,” Ziggy stated, finally taking his glasses off and folding them into his pocket.

“What I don’t like is how quiet Evildron has been lately. We haven’t seen a monster attack in almost a month…” Carlos mused, scratching the back of his head.

“After the ass kicking we gave him last time, I think he may have given up!” Tommy stated, throwing a few awesome punches at nothing, “That ass will never be the same!”

“Funny,” Ziggy said flatly, walking toward the bar to get more alcohol, “Jen told me the same thing on our way out of the bathroom.” Through his pain, Sky manged a very high pitched, “Ew!”

In the villain’s base…
Evildron was serious the last time. He was now on vacation and nothing was going to ruin it for him. Granted, his vacation was watching intergalactic Netflix and drinking, but it was his way of relaxing. All the while, Sloan had been working tirelessly to get his creation up and running. Everything Evildron had was available to Sloan, but he wasn’t allowed to use any of the previously created monsters, and that included the lackeys, to attack the Rangers.

“Ah, that’s the ticket!” Evildron said to himself as he slammed back another beer from his twenty four pack next to his recliner, “What the hell has Sloan been up to all this time, I wonder…eh, fuck it. I need me more intergalactic ecchi!”

Down in the depths of the evil lair Sloan was still hard at work. Replacing the candles and bright spot lights for energy efficient LED lights for better visibility, he typed so quickly he was sweating.

“Just a few more lines of code and you’ll be finished!” Sloan exclaimed over to his monster, currently hidden in a large crate with numerous tubes attached to it, all of which smoked randomly. Almost in reply, the creation made an angry groaning noise. Sipping on a hot tea, Sloan entered in a few more keystrokes before a bright flashing “Sequence Finished” appeared on his screen, making him laugh like a possessed man. From no where, a pipe organ sounded off in a C chord, shaking the entire foundation, then was followed by heavy metal guitar riffs.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Evildron screamed as he was thrown from his chair. Picking himself up, he ran as quickly as he could down into the lair while plugging his ears and screaming in anger. Reaching Sloan, the music slowly faded out and came to an end. Twisting one of Sloan’s ears, Evildron began shouting directly into it.

“What did I tell you about the music?!” Evildron bellowed, “We agreed you would stop that every time you made a discovery, or finished making brownies!” Sloan groaned and twisted, desperately trying to get away from Evildron’s grasp. Finally slapping Evildron’s hand away, Sloan slinked toward the container housing his creation.

“Sorry! I thought with the completion of my ultimate monster I could have an exception. Besides, it just seemed like a cool thing to do…” Sloan whined, rubbing his sore ear, “Do you want to see it?” Shrugging and cracking open another beer he had carried in his hoodie pocket, Evildron motioned for Sloan to continue. Walking over the container, Sloan stretched his arms out to his sides, fingers clawed upwards.

“Gentleman! What you are about to see is my life’s work! An ultimate creation if you will! This will be my final thesis for my doctrine! The destruction of the Power Rangers will just be gravy on my mashed potatoes, in which I will also dip my turkey! BEHOLD!” Sloan shouted, pounding on the box. After the third pound, the hoses hooked up began to blow off their connection ports, spewing smoke, possibly toxic, around the room and blinding anyone near it, including Evildron.

Coughing like crazy and holding on to his beer while trying to cover his face, Evildron was already not amused at the theatrics Sloan was putting on. If he was trying to impress him, he wasn’t doing a very good job at it. With thunderous slams, which also cleared away the smoke due to the impact with the ground, the container fell open revealing a four story tall metal cat. Not a lion, but a cat. Like a calico or tabby. However, this cat was adorned in gold, silver, unobtainium, and black zirconium. There may have even been some mithril and adamentium in it, but those were extremely difficult to get a hold of, even for Evildron.

“Hmph,” Evildron said, hammering back his beer and tossing the empty container off to the side with a loud burp, “It’s okay, I guess…what do you call this…this…thing, anyway?”

“Isn’t it obvious? It’s the Large Operational Leonine Combat Attack Titan!” Sloan said happily, slapping his hands together in one loud clap.

“I don’t get it…” Evildron stated, scratching his growing beer gut.

“Really?” Sloan asked shocked, “Large Operational Leonine Combat Attack Titan? L.o.l. C.a.t!”

“L.o.l. C.a.t?” Evildron stated in half question before pointing an accusing finger right at Sloan, “NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!!”

“That’s not very nice… Well, look at it closer! It has it’s own intelligence! It’s basically living metal! Also, it can be combined with a pilot in a direct mental link to enhance it’s powers. Watch this,” Sloan instructed Evildron as he punched in a few codes into his wrist controller, which he took out of a coat pocket. In a small yellow light, Sloan was teleported away and into the L.o.l. C.a.t. Rearing back, it echoed out a half meow, half growl. “Impressed now?!” Sloan asked, his voice blasting out hidden speakers.

“I don’t know. It’s just lacking a certain aesthetic, really. No sexual nature. No questionable power connected to that sexual nature…” Evildron hummed. Suddenly, the entire ground started shaking once again, this time not caused by anything the villains were doing. Being forced to the ground as if gravity suddenly increased a hundred times, Evildron grunted and tried to force himself to stand to no avail.

“What’s going on Evildron?!” Sloan whined, unaffected to the pressure bearing down on them due to being in the L.o.l. C.a.t. The fabric of reality began to tear directly in front of them, revealing a pulsing dark, purple and black nothingness. Reaching out from it was a sickly white arm with a reverberating scream causing them both to cover their ears. Like glass shatter, the doorway exploded into countless shards and disappeared.

Standing where the portal appeared was a tall creature nearly as tall as the L.o.l. C.a.t, but almost completely white except for some black and orange tribal stripes scattered about its body. Instead of a regular face, the creature had what looked like a skull, but smoother. There were no eyes, just dark portals with small yellow dots. Opening its massive jaw to take a deep breath, the creature’s tongue snaked out of its body. Snapping the jaws shut, the creature exhaled a small blast of grey smoke from the nostril holes. Looking around the cave, the creature grabbed Evildron with one hand and effortlessly picked him up. Bringing him close to his skull, the hollow first sniffed Evildron and then licked him.

“Oh, that’s, just…just disgusting!” Evildron complained, kicking his legs trying to get away, drool running down his face. Looking Evildron over once again, the hollow tossed him to the side, obviously no impressed at all.

“Evildron! What is that thing?! What’s with the hole in the middle of its chest?!” Sloan shouted from inside his creation. Hearing the voice, Glutton B turned and grabbed the L.o.l. C.a.t. by the neck and started choking it, screaming in frustration. “Stop! STOP!” Sloan screamed in terror as the creature grabbed the L.o.l. C.a.t. even tighter and began to devour it face first. “NOOOOO!” Sloan shrieked Suddenly, there was another explosion of energy, this time a blinding white beam and a blast wave so fierce it blew off the ceiling, destroying Evildron’s house above.

“Oh, you mother fucker!” Evildron shouted in anger as he got up, “I’ll make you pay for that! I’ll…drown you in a bag in the river!” As everything settled, the hollow had merged with the L.o.l. C.a.t, taking on a more feline look. The pressure he felt when he first arrived was even stronger and once again pinned him to the ground. In a scream of victory, the hollow leapt from the deep crater to the rim with no effort. Turning its attention to the city, it began running with massive speed, its spear like tail whipping behind it as it ran.

Back at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice Bar…
Primal screams came from the men’s room as Dustin and Jen finished their savage screw session. Sky was finally feeling better, though the swelling in his crotch was still pretty bad, however, the whiskey sours were taking care of a lot of his pain.

“Glad to see you’re more among the living,” Tommy told him, slapping his shoulder, “You got knocked the fuck out, though!”

“Yeah, Dustin may be a dweeb, but he’s one hell of a fighter…always has been! Something’s been bothering me, though…with this injury to my balls Jen’s still…” Sky trailed off, believing his damaged sack meant Jen couldn’t possibly be his future relative.

“What are you talking about? Jen…” Tommy began to say, but was cut off sharply from their communicators springing to life.

“Rangers! Emergency! Evildron has just released his newest monster. It’s like nothing we’ve ever detected before!” Zorgon’s voice actually sounded stressed out.

“So much for the break,” Carlos stated disappointed, “We’ll take care of it Zordon, no problem.”

“Good, Rangers. The monster is heading for Angel Bay Crest Grove Municipal Park. Be careful! Alpha 5 and I are getting some really strange readings from this thing. Also, tell Dustin and Jen to finish in the bathroom. You might want to call a hazmat team for clean up,” Zordon instructed.

“What the hell, Zordon! You mean you’ve been spying on us?!” Dustin’s angry voice questioned over the communicators.

“I spy an all of you all the time. Remember that. Now get going!” Zordon demanded.

“Let’s see how good these power enhancers really are!” Sky stated, standing up slowly, “I’m going to try running there instead of just teleporting. Besides, it’ll look cool!” Looking at each other, both Tommy and Ziggy shrugged and then nod in agreement to Sky’s proposition.

Channeling all the Ranger power they could into their legs, the group, except for Jen, who was still too weak from the groin slamming she received, rushed out toward the park to help.

At the park…
L.o.l. Glutton slammed hard down onto the ground, watching people running away in terror. Thanks to the enhancements from Sloan’s creation, the hollow was even more terrifying than before. With Sloan being mentally connected to the L.o.l. C.a.t. a the time of being fused with it, this hollow now had a heightened intelligence as well. Several people, much more sensitive to spiritual pressure than others, were immediately pinned to the ground, causing L.o.l. Glutton to target and devour their souls, but not without batting them around a few times for fun first.

In color appropriate streaks, the Rangers arrived at the park, awestruck at the sight before them. They had never seen anything like this before, nor had they ever felt spiritual pressure. Fear ran down everyone’s spines when L.o.l. Glutton reared back its head, letting out a fierce hollow style scream, with an underlying cat meow.

“What…the…fuck?!” Sky stuttered out, feeling as though he were being pressed down with a massive weight across his entire body. Everyone felt the same and were now using most of their Ranger powers just to keep standing up.

“Hey guys! What did I..!” Jen said, rushing in and immediately being forced to the ground, her crotch making a squishing noise as she did, “WHAT IS THAT?!”

“It’s about to be dead, that’s what it is!” Ziggy shouted, “Get into mother fucking gear!” Following Ziggy’s lead, the Rangers performed their choreography and morphed, a massive power explosion behind them taking out half a block and killing ten people fleeing for their lives. Sensing a change in power, L.o.l. Glutton turned its attention to the Rangers and let out a loud hollow roar and was enveloped in a yellow light streaked with black energy. Now standing around 6’5″ tall, L.o.l. Glutton took on a more human like look with lithe feline characteristics, the tail pointed directly at the Rangers. Even though the creature was smaller now, the Rangers were having a hard time just standing. With an eye flash, L.o.l. Glutton sped through the Rangers faster than they could see. Now behind them, the hollow began to laugh as the Rangers each took significant damage, sparks flying off of their suits as they were tossed into the air like rag dolls.

“O Lord, mask of flesh and bone, all creation, flutter of wings, ye who bears the name of man, truth and temperance, upon this sinless wall of dreams unleash but slightly the wrath of your claws! Hado number thirty three: Sōkatsui!”

Blue energy blasted L.o.l. Glutton directly in its chest, but did nothing except create smoke. Looking down at where it was hit, the hollow simply scratched the area and looked around for the source of attack. Ichigo came down from the sky and brought down both blades of Zangetsu onto L.o.l. Glutton’s shoulders, striking as hard as he can, but the blades do nothing except come from a dead stop.

“What the?!” Ichicgo calls out as the hollow’s tail wraps around him and brings him face to face with the creature, ” What are you?!” Roaring in Ichigo’s face, L.o.l. Glutton tosses him to Rukia and increases its spiritual pressure. Reaching its full power, L.o.l. Glutton pinched its nipples, at least where its nipples would be, and laughed. Striking a pose similar to Michael Jackson in Beat It, it then began to moon walk before spinning in a circle, grabbing its groin, thrusting forward and blowing a kiss to both Ichigo and Rukia.

“That’s not normal behavior for a hollow… What’s going on here?” Rukia questioned Ichigo, her sword at the ready. As L.o.l. Glutton kept making lewd gestures, such as the international sign for eating pussy and sucking dick, the Power Rangers managed to shake off the damage they received and rushed in to attack. Sky was the firs to reach it and delivered a massive volley of fire enhanced kicks rapidly all over the creature before jumping away. Jen was next, striking the monster with attacks channeling water. Carlos arrived and used his Hispanic inspired personality to bash L.o.l. Glutton with wind based attacks, you know, because of lawn work such as leaf blowing. Dustin pummeled it with rapid punches wrapped in earth. Ziggy rushed in next and engulfed the hallow in almost total darkness, collapsing the pocket dimension he created, with Tommy following up with a blast similar to Goku full of light energy. L.o.l. Glutton was blown sideways and through a building, ending with an even more massive explosion of energy, which would have killed another ten or twelve people if they were still around.

“WOO!” Jen shouted and jumped into everyone’s arms, rapidly kissing them all through her helmet while dry humping Sky’s chest, “We did it!”

“Bueno! We kick in its culo!” Carlos shouted, taking a victory boob grab.

“Never fuck with a Power Ranger!” Tommy exclaimed, slapping Jen on the ass.

“Hey! What are you idiots doing?! What’s going on here?!” Ichigo yelled at them all as he and Rukia ran up to them. Instantly dropping the foreplay to their orgy, the Rangers all stood in a line, looking the two over.

“Who are we? We’re the ones who destroyed Evildron’s latest monster. Who the fuck are YOU?!” Sky asked, pointing directly at Ichigo.

“They don’t appear to be quincies and they’re obviously not shinigami…fullbringers maybe?” Rukia half asked, “We’re soul reapers! I’m surprised you can see us!”

“Of course we can see you. We’re the god damn Power Rangers, little girly. Now run along you before you get hurt, or pregnant,” Ziggy instructed, waving her off.

“How dare you! I am Rukia Kuchiki and have lived ten of your miserable lives! How dare you call me little girly or imply I’d be so easily knocked up!” Rukia screamed back, pointing her zanpakuto directly at him.

“Easy, Rukia. Don’t be so damn rude, you jerk. Look, we got off on the wrong foot. I’m Ichigo Kurasaki, what are your names?” Ichigo asked, attempting to break the tension.

Jumping into a quick huddle, the Rangers agree to introduce themselves and did so while shaking their hands. From the wreckage of the building destroyed when L.o.l. Glutton was knocked back, the hollow arose one again, screaming in anger, powered up even more than before, causing massive waves of spiritual pressure to come down on everyone.

“I…will…make…you all…eat…my dick!” L.o.l. Glutton moaned out in anger. Obviously due to Sloan’s influence the hollow as now able to talk; this was rare unless it was a much more powerful type, such as a vasto lorde.

“Oh no! Looks like you didn’t take care of it as well as you thought!” Ichigo exclaimed, the hollow rushing them all and coming to a sudden stop, a blast wave knocking them all backwards several hundred feet. Continuing to scream, L.o.l. Glutton began to grow in size and power, until it stood over the tallest buildings in the area. Leaning forward, it then inhaled sharply and began to suck up souls for miles around, causing his power to continuously grow.

Standing with lots of groaning and whining, the Rangers, along with the two soul reapers, looked up at the incredible image before them.

“This is bad…really, really bad!” Sky shouted, “We’re going to need the Megazords! Ziggy…I hope those enhancements to combine with our Zord are finished!”

“Obviously! Don’t worry. As long as you don’t fuck up, it’ll work!” Ziggy replied, “You two, just sit this one out!”

“Don’t count us out! Ichigo…we’re going to have to go bankai,” Rukia instructed. Resting his sword on his shoulder, Ichigo shook his head.

“I haven’t even tried going bankai with my new zanpakuto…I’m not even sure I can fully manifest it yet,” Ichigo replied, looking up at the hollow, “The last thing we need is for it to back fire…”

“I believe in you. Always move forward!” Rukia encouraged him, grabbing him by the collar and shaking him lightly.

“Okay, okay! But what about you? Your bankai only lasts four seconds and is good for one attack…” Ichigo said with concern. The last time he saw Rukia use her bankai, it nearly killed her.

“Don’t worry about me… I’ve been training really hard,” Rukia said with a smirk. Nodding, Ichigo brought both of his swords together while Rukia lined up Sode no Shirayuki.

“Bankai!” they both shouted at the same time, channeling as much power as possible. Energy swirled around them and exploded, blinding everyone. Dust continued to spin around them as their power released.

“Yami ni rirīsu Zangetsu…” Ichigo could be heard saying.

“Hakka no Togame…” Rukia’s voice was heard next. As the dust cleared and the wind stopped, Ichigo and Rukia stood in their bankai forms in this world: The Gold and Silver Rangers!

“What’s this?!” Ichigo asked, looking himself over rapidly, surprised at his new look.

“Yeah, this isn’t my bankai!” Rukia replied, equally shocked at the transformation. Everyone had communicators now, even Ichigo and Rukia, and the speaker sprang to life.

“Congratulations, soul reapers, on becoming Power Rangers! With your new powers comes new techniques. Call upon your Megazords and assist the other rangers in taking out your hollow!” Zordon’s voice shouted in happiness.

“RIGHT!” Ichigo and Rukia both shouted, turning back to back, with one foot raised and touching the heel of the other, one arm over their heads and pointing with both hands at the other Rangers.

“Rukia?” Ichigo asked.

“Yes, Ichigo..?” Rukai responded.

“What the hell are we doing?” Ichigo asked, jumping away and stomping his foot.

“I don’t…I don’t know…it just seemed so natural…” Rukia responded, “So…let’s just call these Megazords then… Let’s see here… There’s the command!” Without any noticible effect, both Rukia and Ichigo were in the Gold and Silver Megazords. Ichigo’s Megazord was like a ninja with a long, thin blade, much like his original bankai with Tensa Zangetsu. Rukia’s Megazord was like a geisha, only it had a traditional looking katana swirling with ice.

“Wow, look at those Megazords!” Jen shouted, pointing excitedly, “Let’s get our Megazord combined with Ziggy’s!” The two Megazords walked up to each other, and began to dance like two middle schoolers trying to twerk on each other. Spinning around and slapping the Megazord on the ass, Ziggy’s Ultimate Battlezord then fused with it. Standing there before them was a Megazord they decided was the Fucking Ultimate Battlezord Ascension Realized, or F.U.B.A.R. They weren’t very good at this.

“Kick ass!” Dustin screamed, seeing the awesome interior of the F.U.B.A.R, and instantly getting a massive boner, “This is some beautifully detailed work! It’ll be nice to beat up on Evildron’s creations in luxury!”

“That isn’t one of Evildron’s creations, you idiots,” Ichigo told them through their telepathic connections from the new Megazords, “That’s a hollow from our world! It eats souls to grow in strength. It may have managed to absorb something in this world to become as strong as it is now.”

“Who the shit cares? We’re going to knock its shit in…literally!” Ziggy shouted, followed by a, “RIGHT!” from every other Ranger in the F.U.B.A.R. Rushing toward the hollow, they punched it stomach, causing it to stop inhaling souls and bend forward. Placing a hand on the back of its neck, the Rangers spun around behind it and began to fist its ass repeatedly with their Power Fist of Justice.

“Pound that ass!” Ichigo shouted and then stopped, blinked, and looked over at Rukia, “What’s happening to me?”

“I don’t know, but I want in on this!” Rukia giggled and rushed L.o.l. Glutton and wrapped her legs around its face, “RIDE ‘EM GIRL!”

“See if you can hold on for more than eight seconds!” Ichigo laughed, completely gone at this point, “Time to plug its hole!” Jumping into the air while screaming, “YAHOO!”, Ichigo dropped down onto the hollow’s back and began to fist the hole while laughing like a mad man. Having enough of the attention given to him, L.o.l. Glutton reared back and blasted them all off of him with an area cero. All the Megazords were knocked across several buildings, killing hundreds who had gathered to watch, including half of the city’s news crews.

“I will devour all life!” L.o.l. Glutton screamed and began to power up once again.

“We need to end this NOW!” Ichigo shouted, “Let’s combine our attack!” The Megazords lined up, shoulder to shoulder.

“I’m transferring the chant to all of you! As soon as you receive it, repeat it together and we’ll combine it into one massive bakudo!” Rukia instructed. Punching in a few commands, the transmission was complete and they all chanted at once.

“You who is crowned with the name of Man, wearing a Mask of blood and flesh, flying on ten thousand fluttering wings, with Thunder’s carriage and an empty Spinning Wheel, break the Light into six pieces, carve a twin Lotus on a wall of Pale Blue Flames, and await the Blazing Fires to reach the Distant Heavens! Bakudo number sixty one: Rikujōkōrō!”

Six beams of light slammed into the hollow’s mid section, paralyzing it and holding it in place.

“NOW!” Tommy called out. Every Megazord let loose its ultimate attack, striking the hollow almost at the same time, causing it to scream in agony before slowly disappearing and the smaller particles exploding in the air, killing another twenty people with the shockwaves.

Back at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice Bar
A large party was awaiting the Rangers as they returned, full open bar, and all they could eat food. Ichigo and Rukia were feeling slightly more like themselves, but they couldn’t shake the impression this messed up universe was having on them.

“Excellente job, vatos!” Carlos said, slapping Ichigo on the back. Ichigo just gave him a thumbs up and a smile while taking a seat.

“ Thanks, uh, I think…we really should be going…” Rukia stated, pulling on Ichigo’s arm.

“But…I haven’t slut you up as a thank you, yet!” Jen stated, starting to dry hump Ichigo’s leg.

“Well, I guess we could…HEY!” Ichigo shouted as Rukia forcefully pulled him off the stool.

“You’ve all been wonderful. Take care!” Rukia shouted, opening a door to the soul society and dragging Ichigo with him before they were completely over taken by the dimension’s ability to mess with their heads.

“Well, pooh…” Jen stated. Sky slowly slid up to her, giving her a wink, and they both ran off to the men’s room.

“Glad to see everything ended up in our favor. Looks like we really taught Evildron a lesson again. Hopefully we won’t have to deal with any more of those hollows, or whatever they’re called,” Dustin said, slamming back a Bacardi and diet, finally manning up and drinking booze.

“Like Tommy always says, ‘Don’t fuck with the Rangers!’” Ziggy said, doing an even more epic spin kick than Tommy ever could.

“Speaking of fucking with Rangers…where’s Sky and Jen?” Tommy asked, looking around. Screams of agony and passion erupted from the bathroom as Sky finished Jen in record time and came out smiling and sweating.

“Wow…she is good!” Sky said, dropping into a chair exhausted.

“Uh, Sky..?” Tommy said slowly, “What, uh…what did you do?”

“Well, dumb ass, since my balls are busted, I realized she couldn’t possibly be my great, great, great granddaughter,” Sky said, putting his hand up for a high five.

“Sky…ALEX would be your biological descendant…Jen was married in to the family. So, technically, she’s still your granddaughter,” Tommy informed him, deadpanned look.

“…oh…shit…” Sky said, slumping forward and dropping his arm.

Back at the location the hollow was defeated
Evildron was looking over the destruction caused by Sloan’s failure. Shaking his head and drinking his fifth of Jack Daniels out of a brown paper bag (no open containers…not even with this amount of evil around. Can’t change all the laws) Evildron took note of all the impressive buildings and trees still standing. In front of him, a pile of rubble began to move on its own, so he stepped closer to investigate, kicking some of the debris away.

“Sloan?!” Evildron shouted as Sloan climbed out of the wreckage, “My word, you survived! Well…get off your ass and back to the lair. You have to rebuild my god damn house!” Reaching up and covered in dark energy, Sloan grabbed Evildron by the throat and began to inhale, pulling on his soul as did. Evildron felt the life leaving him when Sloan finally stopped, his soul snapping back into his body.

“No, Evildron. You will rebuild it, and you will rebuild it to my specifications. Just remember…I can do that any time I want!” Sloan stated, his voice deeper, his muscles larger (well, for a nerd), and his eyes burning with a dark fire.


WOW! EPIC AS SHIT! Where is this going next?! Will there ever be another Gold and Silver Ranger? Who the fuck knows..?