Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts in 2016

It was that magical time of year again, and that means it’s time to highlight some problems. On Christmas morning and maybe even on morning of presents for Hanukkah, someone is going to be unlucky enough to have gotten one of these gifts. Just like every year, W.A.T.C.H. is hell bent on ruining Christmas morning like a Muslim in a gay nightclub. While they do highlight some issues with toys, W.A.T.C.H. always misses the worst of the worst and instead focuses on toys targeted at boys and girls simply for being “gender specific”. Here are the actual Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts in 2016 which were given.


My Very Own Alibi1. My Very Own Alibi
This toy line is said to have been inspired by the film franchise known as Home Alone, in which a rich white child goes on a killing spree of his neighbors while getting off completely free in protest of being left alone while his family goes out shopping. Pictured is the “Roller Puncture Derby” a la carte version of the toy. Others include the mouse trap with tack and shotgun shell and hand grenade on a sstring, the second best seller. Were do we really begin with this?

First off, the knife isn’t sharp as it needs to be in order to put someone down quickly. Some people might find this as a feature, but we find it to be a minus point to an otherwise ingenious product. Secondly, the skate is very rusty, but the knife is not. We’d give it points for adding tetanus with a dull knife, but since the rust is on the skate and note the blade, this is another minus point. Lastly, there is no ramp with My Very Own Alibi, but the packaging (not shown) clearly shows it flying off a ramp.

Kids have a great imagination, and this is just lazy. The toy has nothing to put together and basically just does one thing: Roll slowly and barely stab someone. Children are going to end up just throwing the toy, which defeats the purpose of what it is trying to accomplish. Stay away and if you get this as a present, get a gift receipt.


Pogoff To Space2. Pogoff Stick: To Space
Claims from the manufacturer:

Feeling XtReMe?! Want to KiSs the SkY?! Well now you can! After three successful pumps to prime the engines, the rockets will kick in and put you close enough to kiss the pilots of MH370 as they fly by on their infinite voyage around the world in space!

Aside from the tasteless reference to the fated Malaysia Flight MH370, there’s also a slightly veiled reference for drugs. Jimmie Hendrix used the term “kiss the sky” for getting intoxicated with drugs.

Even though almost any kid, and many adults, would love to ride on a rocket propelled pogo stick, the fact is, pogo sticks are dangerous. Ever get hit in the chin while riding on one? How about landing at an angle and falling or bouncing into a bush/tree? Imagine that at 147 MPH/236.574 KPH? Yeah, that’s going to leave one bad bump on your head and a pretty bad headache. I think we can all do without this. We don’t want another “Heat Seeking Lawn Darts” fiasco during a picnic, now do we?


My First Lynching Rope3. My First Lynching Rope: The Game
My First Lynching Rope: The Game is a choking hazard in disguise as a harmless family game. If you think The Game of Life is destined to kill your little ones who eat the cars or peg-people, then you’re not worried enough. This game is enough to kill every member of the family, especially any adopted black ones.

The game revolves around getting enough people on your posse in order to lynch the person next to you. Everyone takes turns rolling dice and taking cards while moving around a board. Think of this like Mouse Trap, except you’re the mouse, the noose is the trap, and your neck is the end game. If you can’t play your card fast enough, or have a good enough one, it’s lights out.

What the manufacturer didn’t count on is most of your homes aren’t equipped to have this hang high enough, so you’ll end up either wrapping it around each others necks and pulling, or using something like a door you’ll hope is strong enough to hold up old fat Grannie Christine. There just isn’t enough through going into this game and it shows. Pass this up.


Jihad Jerry4. Jihad Jerry
I mean…wow… This is the follow up the the Ibraheem Toys’ 2014 break out gift My First Jihad. While not directly marketed as an infidel holiday gift, they sure like to time it that way. The packaging is grotesque and 100% real.

Packaging claims it’s “Everything you’ll need to end the Jewish and Christian infidels of their lives!” It contains a child’s Qu’Ran, prayer mat, 4lbs of active dynamite, mask and robe, remote detonation backup device, and a map to local Jewish temples.

The interior booklet claims:

As your children grow and learn, they’ll want to up the destructive force for the glory of Allah. Use this as a great follow up to your My First Jihad toy kit. Praise be to Allah! DEATH TO ALL INFIDELS!

Who are they kidding? The previous kit is almost a 100% death sentence to both your child and their entire day care, so there is no “…grow and learn…” involved. We are talking about Islam, after all. Also, much of the dynamite in the packaging is pretty old and very volatile, meaning there’s a good chance it’ll explode before you put it in a vest and go to school the following day to show off your toy. Pass.


Coke Head Charlene5. Friday Night: Coke Head Charlene
At least your kids are leaning a valuable lesson here: Cocaine is a party and designer drug. Unlike the Medicate Me: Molly! doll from 2014, this doll knows how to “Fuck It Up”, as the box says. This is almost a buy.

What makes this almost a buy? It comes with real cocaine! However, it only comes with 1 gram and a very small straw the doll can use. There are no refills available from the manufacturers, either. This means to get the fix the doll needs to continue being fun you’ll have to go into bad areas or convince the local pharmacist to give you some. You know, for your “nose injury”. Good luck with that. Cocaine is also very expensive, especially for twice cut Colombian. That shit is awesome.

If necessary, a supplemental toy for this one would be the Barbie Spy Squad Cat Burglar Doll which will help your precious angel break into houses and steal her friend’s stash!


Well, there you have another five toys W.A.T.C.H. didn’t care enough to warn you about. We warn you about them, because we care for you. Wrap you child in cling wrap all over their head and paint over it so they never see the horrors of the world. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!

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Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts 2014

Every year the Boston Group releases their Top Ten Most Dangerous Toys. While the Boston Group is hell bent on ruining people’s childhood like a drunk step-father who is noticing his new 12 year old step-daughter entering puberty, this year their toy list isn’t as complete as it could be. For some reason, while the Boston Group has listed fun and harmless items, they intentionally and negligently ignored the toys I’m listing here.


1. Slashy Ruxpin
According to the manufacturer, Slashy Ruxpin is the failed adventuring Teddy Ruxpin after children stopped caring. Each story starts off with him either finding a dead body in his car, drinking in a bar, finishing sex with a hooker, or waking up after a weekend of drug use.

This new toy is being marketed as the “next great story telling plush animal and a unique interactive experience”. What make Slashy Ruxpin so interactive? Well, apparently as he tells the story, you must fuel him with alcohol or else he gets violent and starts to swing his knife. The truth is, he will get violent and swing with his knife randomly during each story session anyway.

Personally, no matter how much I’m told this toy is safe by the manufacturer, I’m not going to believe it. Sure, it says you are safe to insert the knife tip into your bare anus seventeen times for that alone, but is it really true? I seriously doubt it. Also, lighting him on fire when he screams for you to end his life is supposed to make him run around the house in a frenzy. How is that okay?!


2. HammerTime Harry
Coming from the box: “HammerTime Harry is the coolest, most depressed guy you know! When he’s not dancing to beatbox hits, he’s fanning the hammer on his favorite pistol in minority neighborhoods.” Included in the packaging is the “action figure” itself, two outfits (one for dancing and the other for mandatory court appearances) and a live fire gun, which shoots real bullets.

Where do I even start with this? First off, it’s teaching kids its okay to just saunter into minority neighborhoods. That right there is a dangerous lesson. Just like minorities should stay out of the well-to-do neighborhoods, the rest of us should stay out of their HUD controlled crack dens. Secondly, I’m pretty sure that’s designed to look like a striker fired gun, so there is no hammer to speak of. Kids already don’t know enough about guns, so leave it to the professionals to teach them, not some plastic doll. Thirdly, the gun shoots .22lr rounds, which are still pretty hard to find. Think finding a D-cell battery is difficult? Try finding .22lr in vast quantities.

Does a person with depression really warrant an “action figure”? You’d think more people would be up in arms over this kind of thing, but I guess not. This is why I do these consumer reports, because unlike the media, I actually care about you all.


3. Un-Nerf Flamethrower
If there was ever a toy I used to want, it would be this. However, now that I am older, I see this thing for what it is: A lawsuit waiting to happen.

Don’t be confused with the name of this toy! This isn’t made by Nerf. Nope. The title is to trick you into believing you’re getting something safe and secure. The Boston Group listed a toy bow which shoots a plastic arrow, but they ignored this? What the hell is wrong with them? I, for one, don’t need a bunch of kids running around the neighborhood burninating everything they come across. I shutter to think of the “flame tag” games which will undoubtedly turn entire metropolitan areas into ash!


4. My First Suicide Kit
This “toy” says it contains everything you’ll need to remove yourself from this mortal coil. Now, I don’t know about you, but should kids really be using this kind of product? Sure it contains cyanide tablets, a sharp knife, a noose, and even a .38Spl loaded with low pressure rounds plus a light weight trigger, but suicide is serious business. It’s not a game. A game means there is room for failure, and when you’re going for suicide you have to get it right the first time. You don’t want to fail at something like suicide!

Even more than the seriousness of this “toy” in the hands of your child, think how dangerous this would be for your child will discover it at a friend’s house. Do you really want them going into this kind of thing unprepared? They may think it’s a game! What happens if their friend decides to test it out on your precious little baby? Yeah, the Boston Group messed up big time when they over looked this literal death trap. This is a bigger oversight on their part since they forgot to include the Official Baby Death Trap!!!!


5. Medicate Me! Molly
Medicate Me! Molly is here to teach your darling daughter how to and the importance of self medicating. Don’t confuse this with Puking Pauline (learn about that one, here) as this toy is actually dangerous for your child.

Just about every popular upper and downer medication since the 1950’s makes its presence here: Valium, imipramine, venalfaxine, ketamine, K2/spice, adderall and oxycodone are all there. Similar to real life, the pills themselves aren’t marked as to what they are, but that’s not what the dangerous and dumb part of this toy is, oh no. You see, when Medicate Me! Molly vomits, one of those pills expels from her mouth for your child to eat. The only way to know which pill came out is to eat it. The manufacturer exclaims there are a total of 24 “colored treats” for your daughter to “enjoy”.

Self medicating is a real issue in this country, as well as many others, so to find a toy company trying to cash in on the trend is disgusting. Okay, yeah, sure, the fact an unlicensed toy company is providing prescription only level narcotics to children is an issue, too. Making each pill a colorful treat is unprofessional. Kids could confuse candy such as Skittles with a quick narcotic bump, only to be disappointed and become more violent. A kid who needs their high is a kid you need to avoid, especially if they have one of those HammerTime Harry toys!


Well, there you have five toys the Boston Group didn’t include. I have no idea why. Maybe they just don’t care as much as they say they do. I think they just want kids to grow up wrapped up in bubble wrap and go after the toy companies who have the deepest wallets. Fuck off guys, seriously.