Character Diary #2 (GTA Online)

I have found religion. Well, I found it for about six days and then got bored. Still, I believe I now understand what it is that I am: A chosen one by god. How else can you explain my inability to die? I learned I am a holy warrior thanks to my friend Wyldfyre. Turns out…he’s also a chosen one.

So, pretty much, how this all came about was my buddy Wyldfyre calls me and says he wants me to help him “cleanse the unholy” as a “Jesus warrior”. I figure, “Yeah, fuck it, why not?”, because, honestly, why not?

Now, ideally, if you’re going to be a super hero, even one for Christ, you have absolutely need to be dressed correctly. The first place I meet up with Wyldfyre is the clothing shop. “Make sure you look good!” he tells me. We select the best suits we can find, kill the shop owner because they were greedy, and then head over to the barbershop. When we get there, we find another lost lamb. After allowing him to give us our super hero make-up, we try to explain why his life style choice is an affront to the Holy One. Sadly, he didn’t want to listen, so we had to baptize him with our holy rocket launcher. God’s grace kept shining on us! The evil force controlled by the devil was not hunting us at this time, so we were encouraged to continue our divine mission.

Driving down the night streets we looked for other lost souls who we were to save. What luck! Wyldfyre noticed a woman selling her body for money! Wyldfyre did his best to get her to understand her life choice was unclean and how Jesus did not approve. Realizing she wasn’t listening, I had to intervene. See, I can be very persuasive and I knew my diplomatic ways would reach her. Well, they would if she could be saved. The prostitute would hear nothing of the saving grace of Jesus. I knew what I had to do…I removed my blessed blade of righteousness and gut her like a fish. If she wished to be a hand of the devil, he could have her for a face-to-face talk!

Unfortunately, after taking down the dirty whore, I saw I was missing not only my baseball bat, but my crowbar, my axe, and my golf club. Where did they go? I have no idea, but I knew we had to get at least my golf club back. Okay, so we didn’t think about how it was around midnight when we got to the golf course. The positive side to this, however, is we found a lot of midnight golfers… HEATHENS! We made sure to cleanse the filth with molotov cocktails, which Wyldfyre assured me had been blessed by a priest, which made them holy or something.

The devil was now on to us! We heard the screaming of his demons in the distance. Obviously the cops were working as minions of Satan, because if they were under the influence of God, they wouldn’t be attacking us for doing Jesus’ work. If you’re wondering, no, I never did get a new golf club, but that’s fine. We had to get away from these demons. Luckily, Wyldfyre is a great driver, especially in my Zentorno. The cops were rushing us like mad men possessed by the devil…which we knew they were.

With the speed of God’s hand pushing us down the street, we did our best to keep the cops from getting us. I took to shooting out their tires and killing the most foul of them to great effect. The good ones were spared, however, by the grace of God! Nearing the airport, I told Wyldfyre to make his way to the runway so we could get in some planes and fly away like the angels we were. Unfortunately for the demons, they would not give up and sent helicopters our way. Leaning out of the window, I tossed C4 up to them and exploded the charge next to one of the choppers. SUCCESS! The explosion caused one to burst into fire, all demons on board falling to the ground. Before the helicopter blew up, it swerved into a second one and took it out for me. Two helicopters with one C4? Thank you, Jesus!

When we finally made it onto the runway, I could see the airplanes up ahead of us. I instructed Wyldfyre where to go, all the while killing the demon pigs chasing us. Like a mother fucking boss, I stepped out of the car as he pulled a hard turn and immediately began to keep him safe so he could get the airplane started. Seeing my chance, I ran into the passenger seat and Wyldfyre began to take off. “We’re getting out of here, Brother!” Wyldfyre told me. I was looking back, flipping off the cops on the ground, as I said, “Yes! Look to the sk…” As I brought my gaze back forward, a helicopter dropped from the sky and performed a text book kamikaze attack right into our airplane!

After a brief five seconds of darkness, the Good Lord placed us back on Earth in order to continue to do his bidding. Both Wyldfyre and I laughed for about three hours straight over how crazy that cop was. Damn, the devil sure wanted us! Finding a few fat people and killing them for the crime of gluttony and also a few people smoking, we took a car the Holy Spirit wished us to have. Where did we go? Where else? The Rainbow Unicorn, of course!

I didn’t beat around the bush on this one. Before entering, I stabbed the doorman with a broken bottle I found on the ground. Some how everyone inside knew what was coming and they began to charge out of the door, knocking me to the ground. Being the ever ready God Warrior he is, Wyldfyre made sure there was no one surviving this. I managed to put a shotgun into the back of two strippers’ heads and I felt proud. Even with the good work we put in, we were not finished here. I poured gasoline from the entrance into the main room, where I found one patron still cowering. Yes…yes I covered him in gasoline and shot the trail, setting the entire place ablaze, as well as cleansing him in the holy fire. Not surprisingly, the devil was really pissed off and sent his demons after us. Using the enlightenment from the Almighty, Wyldfyre found a way backstage, where we hid. Knowing we were protected, the Great Deceiver gave up after about a minute or so. We walked out knowing we had done God’s work.

After that we decided to run over those who needed to die and made the train smash some cars while we were in them. All in all, a productive time.

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Character Diary #1 (GTA Online)

Character Diary #1
Sunrie

My name is Sunrie. That’s all you need to fucking know, you god damn mooks. That’s the name my associates know me as. That’s the name my “employers” know me as. That’s the name the cops call me.

I’m doing this diary thing on advisement from my friend, Wyldfyre. Yeah, just Wyldfyre, deal with it. We’re all in agreement of no real names. It’d be stupid to do that. So, even for this diary, I’m using Sunrie, just in case someone ever finds and reads it.

Los Santos is a really fucked up place, let me tell you. I’m finding lucrative employment, though, so it’s working out. Still, the down swing in the economy means even my employers aren’t paying as much as they used to for a quick job well done. So, I just sit around milking it. The longer I take, the harder they think I worked, so…whatever.

Sorry, I’m new to this diary thing, so I may be rambling on a bit. Fucking sue me, diary, I dare you! Well…anyway…

I guess for my diary entry, I should recap how I met my two friends. Kind of to give you a taste of what my life has become since moving here. Oh, boy has it become something interesting. Not always good, but interesting.

When I first moved here to Los Santos, I didn’t have any real friends. That is, until I met Wyldfyre. I had been here for two months before this strange fucker entered the picture. Now he’s my bestfriend and I’d take a bullet for him. Actually, I have on a few occasions, thanks to him catching the attention of the cops. He’s even responsible for me getting my first hooker. Granted, I killed the bitch and took the money he paid her for servicing me, but whatever.

Then there’s Maximus. Again, just Maximus, so deal with it. If Wyldfyre is strange, Maximus is fucking insane. I don’t just mean crazy, I mean fucking insane. He’s a wildcard, period. Tell him to do something, and he may just ignore it and turn everything to shit on purpose.

For instance, Wyldfyre and I were showing Maximus around town since he had just arrived. Maximus was strapped for cash and the best way to get it is to steal it. Since the armored cars around the area were running dry, we decided to hit up a little road side store off the highway. Normally we go in, scare the clerk out of all his money, and then run away in a chopper we stole. Yeah, it is kind of strange no one thinks anything of three guys in a helicopter landing outside of a liquor store wearing masks, but…whatever…as I said, this place is fucked up. So I tell Maximus our plan: Go in, scream at the clerk while waving guns, then escape for fun and profit. He assures me he understands. Hell, even Wyldfyre believed him. We didn’t want any bloodshed, because the cops in Los Santos are fucking vicious assholes. The punishment for bumping into someone? Shot to death. The punishment for clipping their car? Shot to death. Every crime in this state is a god damn death sentence! The last thing we wanted was to have a bunch of cops chasing us in the helicopters. With everyone saying they were ready, I walked in totally casual. I asked the clerk how his day was going and then sprung my attack! The clerk put his hands in the air, telling me he was doing it as fast as he could, but I knew he was lying! Wyldfyre started screaming to do it faster when we heard a loud gun shot come from behind us. The clerk slammed against the wall in a bloody mess while Maximus just laughed. God damn that psycho! We didn’t even have the money yet, so I had to jump behind the counter and empty the register. The entire time I was doing this, Wyldfyre started laughing at whatever Maximus was saying, but I was too pissed off to listen. I screamed for everyone to get to the chopper as the cops were closing in. Jumping into the pilot seat, I started the engine and began the take off procedures when I heard Wyldfyre ask, “Uh, Max? What are you doi….OH GOD TAKE OFF!!!!” Not asking questions, I slammed the chopper into full power and began my ascent. Looking backward, I could see a grenade roll towards the gas pumps at the perfect moments the cops were rolling up. “I AM A VATO, BITCHES!” Maximus screamed. I can’t blame him for the shout out…we were the Vato Loco Gang, after all.

Thanks to my awesome chopper skills, I avoided the debris flying through the air, along with several cop bodies. If they weren’t pissed off before,t hey were now! I would say, on a scale of zero to five, with five being the most pissed off, they were a four. Making sure the throttle was cranked as high as it could go, I pushed forward on the stick to get our ass out of there. Suddenly, a bright spot light all but blinded me as the police helicopters circled in. Two of them! This wasn’t going to be easy, but with my skills, I knew I had a good chance to out fly them.

I told everyone to hang on as I was going to try some serious shit to get away. That’s when I heard gun fire coming from the back of the chopper. Yeah, Maximus was shooting at the cops with a god damn pistol as they chased us in a helicopter! It’s like he just wanted to get us put into the hospital. That shit is more expensive than the money we just took, plus we’d lose all the money we just got if we did! Wyldfyre’s laughing his ass off, which caused me to start laughing my ass off as we dove beneath bridges, hard cut around buildings and were trying to get away. Of course, every gun shot from Maximus let them know where we were, so it wasn’t going so well. To make matters worse, I noticed the engine was smoking like crazy. The helicopter was shaking like a baby in the hands of a British nanny and the alarms were going off. “Shit, shit, shit!” I screamed out to them, “Hold on! We’re going down, buddy!” Sure enough, the engine quickly cut power as we rounded a building, dropping us like a rock. By the hand of God or Buddha, the helicopter lifted up once more as we neared Vinewood Hills. Managing to put the chopper down, I screamed for everyone to run separate directions to distract the cops. Wyldyfre took off and so did I, but what did Maximus do? He followed me, randomly shooting pedestrians and cops alike! Okay, I thought that WAS pretty funny and it did give us a chance to steal a cop car.

I told Maximus I would drive since he drove like shit, and we began our get away. They damn cops were on us like stink on diarrhea. Every time I’d think we’d broken their sight of us, either Maximus would kill someone or the choppers would find us. Deciding there was nothing I could do about Maximus, I began to run people over for fun in the cop car. Wyldfyre, in touch with us through our headsets, kept screaming how the cops were on his ass, and his car was taking a harder pounding than a porn star. His words, not mine. Seeing a possibility for escape, I jumped the car into one of the many underground tunnels and begged Maximus to just stay quiet. Thank god he did because we lost the cops. The next thing I know, I hear Wyldfyre begging for help because he could only drive in reverse due to the damage on his car. I began to make my way out to him, but…I kind of got the car stuck in the tunnel. Just…don’t ask…it was wet, slippery and…well…it got stuck.

Maxiums told me to hang on and he’d help out. His idea of help? He stole a car and proceeded to try ramming me out of the ditch. Did it work? Well, if his intention was to get another car stuck, then yes. Getting out of the car and trying to figure out what to do next, Wyldfyre’s voice crackled over the headset like a madman. He was laughing his ass off how he just outran the cops, who were like a four out of five pissed off, in reverse with nothing more than a pistol and that fucked up car! Yeah, I don’t know how he did it, either! We are talking about the guy who would later shoot a chopper out of the sky with a pistol and another time with a musket so…whatever.

I split up our take and Maximus, the unbelievable psycho he is, wanted to hit another store. So…of course we did. After I stole another chopper, though.

So, there you go, diary, my first entry. I’ll write more in you from time to time as things happen.

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Just check out these reviews for Sunrie’s WordPress site:

“He’s…maybe not a racist!” – User13277

“WTF?!” – Wyldfyre

“Seriously? Why do you write this? I mean, really? That picture, too? Did you really need that, babe? That’s disgusting…No. No! God damn it, stop typing what I’m saying!” – Sunrie’s Wife

“Your father and I did our best.” – Sunrie’s Mother

If those aren’t endorsements, I don’t know what is!

The Tale of Henry Divor

The Tale of Henry Divor
By Anthony Passalacqua

The night had fast arrived, cloaking everything in it’s suffocating blanket of darkness. Looking up to the obsidian sky, Henry Divor could not even see the winking of a single star through the thick cushion of clouds. Pulling tightly at the hooded cloak wrapped about his neck, Henry scanned his surroundings, hoping to find a place to stay for the night. In the near distance a small flicking of light caught his attention and Henry could make out the outline of a farm house.

Grunting to himself, Henry strode toward the farm. To him, each step was an annoyance. He was accustomed to so much more luxury than he currently endured. Through a series of bad decisions he had wasted his great wealth down to absolutely nothing. The days of his greatest indignity of having been to wear the same coat twice in the same month was over. Now he had nothing more than the clothing on his back and the angry memories he wished he could erase. The lap of luxury had been soft and warming, but he was tossed down to the floor like an unwanted child without a second thought. Everyone had turned their backs on him, and so he was even without friends.

Taking another deep sigh, Henry felt something touch his cheek as he quickly moved toward that small beacon of light. A breeze as brisk as the deep winter blew about him and hundreds of snowflakes began to kiss his flesh. Henry quickened his step towards the farm house as the goddess Skadi attempted to wrap him into her frozen embrace. Each snowflake looked like a small star falling from the sky as it amplified what dim amount of light there was. The beauty of the scene would not have been lost to Henry if he wasn’t worried for his own life.

Just when he felt as though his legs would take him no further and the bony hand of death rest on his shoulder, Henry reached the door to the farm house. With three raps Henry notified the owner of his presence. Inside, he could hear a series of muted voices, almost as though from the realm of the dead, spoke to each other before he could hear a series of footsteps approach the door.

With a high pitched whine the door swung open very slowly to reveal a man of many seasons staring at Henry. Behind the seasoned man was a woman of equal state and three young children sitting about a table near a kitchen fire.

“Speak your business, traveler,” the man spoke to Henry, eying him up and down with caution.

“Please, sir, I beseech you, let me enter if just for the night. I am being braced up by death itself and I fear he shall take me in this weather,” Henry replied to the man through frozen lips and chattering teeth.

“I have only the floor to offer you, stranger, but you are welcome…under one condition,” the man informed Henry and opened the door slightly more on it’s crying hinges.

“I do not have much, but anything I can do I shall! Please, speak your price and allow me to stave off death!” Henry pleaded with the man, gripping the door frame with fingers so cold he could no longer feel them.

“I wish for only but a story told to me and mine. We are in dire need of a new one, and my children do enjoy them so,” the man said with a smile, believing his price was more than fair, especially to a desperate man in a snow storm.

“But I…” Henry gasped, holding a frozen hand to his chest with gruff, “But I have no stories to tell! I am nothing more than a man fallen from the lap of privileged. For I have never traveled far from home beside this night…I cannot pay your price. I will not and cannot pay!”

With a snort, the man closed the door more so once again, “I ask only for a story and you cannot even provide that. Even one so made up you refuse, so you will find no sanctuary here!”

Before Henry could speak, the man shut the door with such ferocity that it roared closed loudly even in the howling winds. Pulling the cloak as tightly about him as he could, Henry staggered away from the door and looked around for even a large tree in hopes to bed down behind. A moment of clarity in the storm allowed Henry to spy a large barn not far from the house. With little other option left, Henry began his labored trip to it’s doors.

A deep, bellowing moan came from the large barn door opened it’s gaping maw to allow Henry to enter. Closing the portal behind him, Henry found a small lantern, flint, and a steel knife. Lighting the lantern with his frost cursed hands, he inventoried his surroundings. The barn contained no animals, but had an uncountable amount of hay, some piled high, and a plethora of boxes undoubtedly housing tools or other feed. Walking as far back as he could access, Henry blew out the lantern and lay deep in the hay, where the the wind became his lullaby and he slept.
 
 
Henry did not know how long he slept, but he was now feeling much better and did not feel the Grim Reaper tapping his foot, counting down to the harvest. The winds outside no longer sang their tune of bitterness come and through a separation in the barn construction, Henry could almost make out the stars.

Suddenly he became of what had woken him from the tender cuddle of sleep: A series of voices rapidly approaching the barn. Like a prairie dog alerted to the incoming dangers, Henry buried himself into the stack of hay he was using as a bed.

Preceded by a series of laughs, the barn door swing open almost silently and with the speed of the wind. Quickly catching his breath in his throat, Henry did not see the farm owner nor his family. Instead, three giants stomped into the middle of the barn, trembling the ground as they walked. The largest of the giants would rival the old Titans in physique and had a long, white beard. The second of the giants had fiery red hair, a hooked nose, and was very skinny. The third giant, short as he may have been was still four heads taller than Henry, was chubby and was dragging a long white sack behind him.

“I told you this place would be useful,” the second of the giants spoke with a booming voice.

“Yes, it will suit our purpose for this night,” the largest of the giants spoke with a rich baritone, “Let us build the fire here.”

Dropping the white sack, the third of the giants began to help them build a pile of wood and hay in the middle of the barn.

“This one will taste delicious!” the smallest of the giants stated, wiping some drool from his chin.

“Yes, we were lucky to find him wandering about at such a night!” the largest of the giants said with a chuckle, slapping the smallest of the giants on the shoulder.

Deep fear pierced Henry’s entire being when he came to the understanding the contents of the sack were that of another human being. With the tightness of a noose, his throat closed, preventing him from swallowing even the smallest of droplets. Coughing, Henry quickly covered his mouth and gasped aloud, knowing that his hiding place would soon be discovered. All three giants turned and looked into his position and began their large strides to his sanctuary. The largest of the giants reached down into the hay, and with one hand lifted Henry into the air.

“This of you I do beg! Please, spare my life and I shall be forever in your debt! For not a soul I shall speak of this to!” Henry pleaded with widened eyes as he kicked about in the air.

“What is your name, puny man?” the largest of the giants questioned, bringing Henry ever closer into his face. The odor of breath from the giant was nearly unbearable to Henry and he gagged slightly at the pungent smell.

“Henry…Henry Divor!” Henry gave a muffled shout through his hands as he covered his nose and mouth.

The largest giant tossed Henry to the ground as though he were a sack of potatoes. Scurrying to get up, Henry looked over to see the body, still wrapped up, not more than an arm’s reach away.

“Well then, Henry, Henry Divor. Do our bidding and we will let you live. String this body and hoist it into the air, then build a fire and help us cook it, or else it will be your body next we be cooking!” the largest of the giants ordered.

Unable to speak and in dire fear for his life, Henry began to do as he was ordered. Quickly he tied a rope about the body and through it over the rafters. With the speed unmatched in his life, Henry then built a large hay pile in order to start the fire. Grunting to one another, the giants gave a nod and then headed out of the barn.

The second largest of the giants stopped and shouted back at Henry, “Cook him well for our return, or we will cook you next!”

Henry could think of nothing more than to obey these giants in exchange for his life, so he began to cook the body. The fires roared and heated the barn, but the flames began to lick the sack and rope which was keeping it held up. Before long, the sack began to burn and the rope caught fire, dropping the body into the flames before the tired Henry could do anything about it. Watching in horror as the body turned black with char, Henry’s eyes filled with pools of tears. Hearing the sound of the giants returning, Henry rushed out of the barn as fast as he could.
 
 
Working their twilight magic on him, the stars were making Henry more tired than he would be even with his full run down the moonlit road. He did not know how long he had been running away from the barn, but Henry knew it was not yet far enough, however, he could go no further. Crawling off the main path, Henry found a deep bush which would offer him shelter from both sight and from the night. Moments after settling down, Henry once again drifted off to sleep, assured he was now safe from the horrific scene which had played out to him.

Frantic dreams haunted him as he slept on the dampness of the ground. Shifting his position, whispers crawled through the night, tickling his hear. Stiffening his body like a rod of iron, he carefully peered through the thistle branches of the bush from where he was attempting to sleep. Shadows at first, three figures began to move ever closer as they chanted a haunting tune as they walked. Larger still the figures become, until Henry realized they were the giants who would most certainly punish him for ruining their dinner.

Each step of the three giants reverberated along the ground as they crashed through the snow riddled road. Acid rose up into Henry’s throat as his fear overtook him, and he gasped out loud. Pausing next to his bush, the giants began to look around.

“I know I heard something,” the second largest of the giants remarked, searching the sky.

“I did as well,” stated the largest of the giants, who began to scan the horizons.

“Oh, we most certainly did!” the smallest of the giants exclaimed. With speed unthinkable, the smallest of the giants reached into the bush and pulled Henry through the bush, cutting his skin on each of the needles. Throwing him to the ground, the smallest of the giants began laughing heartily.

“Well, now. Henry, Henry Divor!” the largest giant laughed, dropping the charred body to the ground, “You have made us miss our dinner!”

“Please, no! I beg of you! Show me mercy!” Henry begged on his knees.

“Mercy? We shall show you mercy…for a short time!” the second largest of the giants exclaimed, picking Henry up and handing him the burned body.

“Follow us now with the ruined meal, or we will eat you this moment!” the smallest of the giants reminded him. Saying nothing, Henry began to follow the giants through the night until they reached a small graveyard.

“Dig, Henry Divor!” the largest of the giants demanded as he thrust a shovel at him, “Dig a a grave for this ruined meal or it will be your grave we be digging next!” With trembling hands, Henry began to dig as feverishly as he could. Taking a few minutes to watch Henry work to make sure he was doing a good job, the giants moved further away and began to whisper amongst themselves.

As the night wore on and the hole began to grow up to his waist, Henry was trembling with exhaustion. His hands were blistered, bleeding, and in agony. his back felt as though it would snap and he could no longer stand straight up. He long ago stopped crying simply because he had not the hydration in his body to continue doing so.

Soft as a mouse squeak, he heard a sound he was familiar with, and so he paused at his work. The three giants sat back to back, arms folded, heads down, deep in the world of sleep. At first Henry believed this to be a trap and feared to move even his eyelids. Watching the rhythmic raise and fall of each giants chest, he grew braver and began to walk towards them, as they were between him and the exit to the fenced in graveyard.

When the giants did not move as he stepped over the second largest’s legs, he began to run as fast and hard as his broken body would allow. The soothing morning’s light was beginning to shine its golden hue across the sky, lifting his spirits with each step. Close in the distance was a small town, and so he quickened his pace, desperate for the freedom and security he hoped it would provide.
 
 
For four years Henry Divor worked in the small town, learning new trades, and once again building a comfortable life. Each winter brings those dreaded memories back to him, as he relives that cursed night every time his head lays upon his pillow during a snow storm. He tries to push it aside, but feels the tapping of the reaper with each passing second during the memory.

This day, however, was a bright spring day filled with excitement. Henry Divor was being honored tomorrow in the town for his contributions over these years. Once a stranger, and now a welcomed member of their community.

Needing a new outfit for the ceremony, Henry hurried that morning to a tailor in the next town over. The trip itself was unremarkable through the green hills, save for a few passing caravans. Upon reaching his destination, Henry hopped down from his cart and tied his horse to the post. It was then fear struck Henry almost into paralyzation once again.

As the door to the tailor’s opened, the largest of the three giants stepped from the shop, dressed in a fine suit. Henry’s mouth became dry, his knees quaked, and the sweat fell instantly from his brow like rain from a storm cloud. Hearing a gasp, the giant turned his head and looked Henry straight in the eye.

“Well, now! Henry Divor!” the giant laughed and reached for him.

“No! No, please!” Henry screamed and began to run with a new found energy. His legs moved so quickly, he nearly tripped himself multiple times as he dashed between people on the street. No matter how fast he ran, no matter how loud his heart beating in his head was, the giant’s footsteps were always directly behind him.

“Got you!” the giant exclaimed as he grabbed Henry by the shoulder and spun him around.”

“No, please! I am sorry for everything those many years ago! Please, do not kill me!” Henry begged. The giant simply let out a hearty laugh and rubbed Henry’s head.

“No, Mr. Divor, I am not going to kill you. Nor am I going to give you labors,” the giant stated with a soft smile.

“Then…I don’t understand…” Henry quivered, falling to his knees.

“Mr. Divor, I am glad you remember me!” the giant chuckled helping him up, “Now when asked, you have a good story to tell! And if you don’t mind coming over for dinner…my family and brothers would love to hear your version of events!”

How to survive in Modern Warfare 2

Okay, there are a ton of guides out there on Xanga now ranging from how to survive a zombie apocalypse to surviving an economic downturn. Some of these a funny, most are not. Let’s face it, most of you can’t write and the few of you that can, I give comments and Xanga props to.

I’m sick and tired of a lot of things. Duh. However, I’m really sick of hearing people complain during gaming sessions on Modern Warfare 2. I’m going to teach you how to survive and win without being a moron. Oh, and this is more of a “serious” entry.

What makes me qualified to write this? Well, considering I have a 2.28/1 Kill/Death ratio and most of you have under 1/1, I’m better than you. Also, I generally score in the top three every match.
 
 
1. Use the Grenade Launcher
Use the damn thing! It gets lots of kills, it pisses people off, and it’s easy to use. Who’s more of a noob: the person using the worst gun in the game and getting 14/55 to be “pro” or the person using the grenade launcher and getting 22/8?

Yeah, that’s right, you pansy, you’re the noob for not using something which kills fast, efficiently, and easily. Use everything to your advantage. If that means grouping the grenade launcher with the Thumper, then do it. If you’re scoring extremely well using this set up, then keep doing it. You’re doing the team good.

“I iz up in ur face, grenading jo0!!!!”

For those of you complaining about the grenade launcher, think for a moment, will you?! There is a bit of quiet between reloads, which means you move then. There is also the fact that you should run TOWARDS the grenade launcher in order to get away from it. Most people will over shoot, either because of lag or they expect you to try to run backward.
 
 
2. Camp and Attack
Yes, camp out if it’s working for you.

Pros and cons of camping are as follows:
Pros:
– Can net a lot of kills
– Great “GOTCHA!” moments
– You have a good vantage point
– Pisses people off

Cons:
– People know where you are all the time…it’s like a permanent UAV
– Generally restricted movement if many people come after you
– You will become the target of everyone you keep killing
– Not a valid tactic on all maps, such as Rust

“Who wants to do some fishing next?”

If you’re camping and killing people, then you’re doing better than the person running around the map trying to be a hero who keeps feeding the enemy team. If you keep getting killed by a camper, then figure something else out! You’re an idiot if you keep doing the same thing, time after time, in order to “get back” at the camper.

Think of it…if every time you came around a corner I hit you in the face with a frying pan, would you keep coming around the same corner the same way? Well, I know most of you idiots would, but the point is still you should do something different.Best tips for camping is to get two or three kills in one spot and then move slightly. Don’t hang out like an dumb ass in one position the entire time. What will generally happen is one or more jack offs will come gunning for your ass, but you’ve already moved. You should have a clear view of where you used to be as well. What will generally happen is someone will jump around the corner, firing into an empty area, and you mow everyone down from a new spot. The moment you kill everyone, move immediately from your new spot! Now find a different area and let them survive a little longer, and pick them off one by one. This lets you camp the new spot for a while.

“Why has I kept being ownzed???”

As far as taking out campers goes, you know where they are, so do something about it! No camping spot is perfect, you brainless twat. If you learn where the camping spots are, you can learn better ways to counter the campers.

For instance, on the map “Invasion”, one of the best camping spots is ~inside~ the Ranger building. From inside, you’re protected from air strikes and most grenades. The far end of the building has a small window opening and a couch, which adds to bullet protection. The Achilles’ heel to this area? There’s a back stairway most people don’t check, which provides access to the camper in that section and the long hallway which leads to the exposed sniper’s nest. Also, the camper needs to run back and forth between two windows in order to watch both flanks. It’s not too hard to watch for the person to leave the window, sneak up behind, and then knife them when they return, allowing you to kill anyone else up there undetected.

Also, the kill cam is ALWAYS active unless you’re playing on hardcore game modes, so it’s not like you couldn’t have known.

Now that you know, stop being a whining bitch about campers.
 
 
3. CHECK YOUR DAMN MINI MAP!!!!

Red means enemy, retard 😉

 
 
*deep breath* Okay…*further exhale* You have a mini map which is ALWAYS present, so use the thing! Guess what? A red spot means an enemy is there! Don’t go rushing past an enemy marker and get shot in the back, damn it.

I’ve seen way too many people go in a group of three or more run past a red dot on the mini map, which is very obvious, and get mowed down by a single person from behind. You have to be a real fucking idiot to let this happen.The field of view on Modern Warfare 2 is limited to 60° so it’s extremely important to keep an eye on your mini map. If someone is firing in a spot, and you notice it on your mini map, go after them! Chances are they don’t know you’re there and you can get an easy kill.Silencers make the mini map less useful, but so don’t count on it. Just like the heartbeat sensor isn’t something you should completely depend on. What you should take away from this is, don’t just concentrate on what’s directly in front of you. Snipers are the worst about this. It’s very satisfying to sneak up on a camper watching who is watching directly in front of them or a sniper and knife them in the back of the head.
 
 
4. Three perks to choose from…three perks to rule them…and three perks to bring them all and in the ownage, bind them!
There are three perks you set up on your character, and not all of them are very useful. Here are some of the best combinations:

Assault Rifle/Shotgun Setup
– Scavenger (Pro)
– Stopping Power (Pro)
– Ninja (Pro)

This setup allows you to continuously replenish your ammo as you kill people. Even when you camp, this is important. There will be lulls in the fire fight allowing you to rush out, grab the ammo, and then hide again. This setup is even great for people who “Run’N’Gun”, because you will always have ammo. Also, you will get additional secondary equipment, such as flash grenades or throwing knives.

Really want to piss people off? Set yourself up with a grenade launcher and this perk list. You’ll always have a grenade ready to launch in the face of everyone you come across, getting lots of kills and a ton of people really, really mad.

Sniper Setup
– Sleight of Hand (Pro)
– Cold-Blooded (Pro)
– Sitrep (Pro) / Steady Aim (Pro)

Okay, why? It should be obvious, even to you deadpans. Sleight of Hand not only allows for faster reloading, but it also allows for faster aiming when you get the Pro version. You NEED THIS as a sniper! Even just the regular Sleight of Hand with faster reloading is important to a sniper. Reloading in this game takes forever, and when you’re a sniper, one of the most hated classes, you don’t want to be left reloading.

Cold-Blooded keeps enemy kill streaks from targeting your ass. When you’re sitting outside, hiding, you don’t want a chopper, a predator missile, harrier, or anything like that being able to target you. Without out it, you show up with a red square around your ass, basically screaming, “SHOOT ME IN THE FACE!!!”

Sitrep allows you to see tactical inserts, claymores, flash grenades, and any other secondary item, besides a throwing knife, as a bright red mark on your screen.

Stead Aim is also great when you get the Pro version because you can hold your breath longer. Do I really need to explain why this is important to a sniper?
 
 
5. Jump, crouch, and insta-prone
People hate bunny hopping. You get a bonus to aim when you crouch. People don’t shoot towards your feet. Get the picture?

“If we catch hell, someone hacked!!!!”

Bunny Hopping is when someone jumps around the map hoping to get away with not dying, but killing you. Some people try to argue that bunny hopping is not possible in Call of Duty because after the first jump, your character does not continue jumping the same height each time. This is bull shit. Bunny hopping is repeated jumping. Period.<

Why do they think this works? Well, because of the latency issue. The higher the lag, the more likely it is to seem that bunny hopping is actually working. It is, to an extent, but it's not nearly as useful tactic as the user believes. Most of the time what happens is the hit boxes get messed up and either trail the in game character or distort completely, meaning you think you're hitting someone but you aren't. MW2, and many other games, use what's called "Normalizing", so even the latency isn't too much of an issue.

Trust me, don't bunny hop. You only die in the air. It's not effective and it screws up your aim. However, when you know, for 100% certain, someone is around a corner, it's not always a bad idea to jump around it and fire. Try to toss a flash grenade first, though.

When you crouch, you gain an IMMEDIATE accuracy bonus. This should be your firing position of choice when moving around the map. Whenever you stop to scan an area, crouch. Also, it obviously makes you a smaller target. So, why not do it? Your speed might decrease when moving, but so what? Your accuracy more than makes up for that. Also, most people will end up shooting over you. This brings me to my next point.

INSTANTLY GO PRONE IN A FIRE FIGHT! Not only do you gain a higher accuracy bonus, but most people are expecting you to run around or jump, because they're morons. Because so many people think that jumping is the way to go, most people will aim high. More often than not, you will mow your opponent down, leaving them to rage that you went prone instead of jumping. Also, anyone coming to help your victim will more than likely fire at mid height thinking that's where you are. The mini map doesn't show what position the person firing is in, and that's to your advantage.

Oh, and lastly…serpentine! Don't be a jack ass and rush your opponent head on…zig-zag, you moron. A moving target is more difficult to hit than a standing one, so move about.
 
 
6. Do everything to win…EVERYTHING

“Kick him in the nards!!!”

For the love of god…if it’s in the game and not an exploit, a hack, or a glitch, use it! Get over the mentality that something is cheap. Nothing is cheap. If it’s getting you a high number of kills, then it’s a worthwhile tactic. If camping is netting you more kills than the person running around the map, then keep camping. If you running around the camp is getting more kills than any camper, keep running around.

Have the warrior mentality of “winning at all costs”. No, the game is not “Serious Business”, but it is your duty, in game, to win the match. If you’re playing a deathmatch, then your job is to kill as many people as possible while dying as less often as possible. So, if you need to use a grenade launcher to achieve that goal, then by god you better do it. If you’re playing an objective based game, then find the best way to get points for your team and use the best tactics to do so.

Should you find yourself on the ass end of a ass whipping, then you better figure something else out. Don’t keep doing the same thing getting you killed! Learn how to identify, adapt, and overcome. If you can’t do that, then you aren’t as good at this game as you think you are.

This all applies to life as well. In a street fight, you’re fighting for your life, so poke out eyeballs, go for crotch shots, and use everything in your immediate area. EVERYTHING is a weapon if you put your mind to it.

Don’t complain about someone’s tactics unless you know for a fact they are hacking. In which case, do what you can to own them like crazy. Sadly, in MW2, this is all we can do since Infinity Ward has decided to not allow vote kicking. Until then, just do what you can to make their existence in the server miserable. This includes using as many grenade launcher rounds and flash grenades as possible to make it so they can’t see.

Like I said, just do everything you can to win. Only you know yourself and your limitations, so get rid of your faults as much as possible.
————
That’s it for now. If you don’t agree with this, you’re an idiot. Warriors try and nobs cry. Don’t be a noob.

Most of you still don’t get the hint

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Posted 1/14/2010 at 6:4 PM on Xanga

Game Ranger 3 Interview (s)

Here’s the Newgrounds.com interview for you all!

1. What is the story behind your latest creation?

Sunrie:
At the end of the last Captain R: The Game Ranger, Ron was found in a trash bin by Sonic and Shadow.  The two heroes of the Sonic the Hedgehog series carried Ron into their world where they want him to fight Evil K.

Evil K has been given a lot of power by Broly to enslave worlds.  It’s now up to Ron, Sonic, and Shadow to defeat Evil K before he destroys their world.  Ron is really going to have to pull a win out of his butt!

Wyldfyre:
Actually, you basically just said everything I wanted to say *laughs a little*

2. Who or what inspired you to begin your production?

Wyldfyre:
Well a lot of inspiration went into this.  Of course, a lot of things from Captain N: The Game Master.  We’ve taken stuff….well, not really TAKEN stuff, we’ve used stuff we’ve seen from other Flash animations and kind of used the ideas to expand on what we have.

Sunrie:
Certainly some things we always found amazing were Alvin-Earthworm’s “Super Marios Bros Z” and Chrono Trigger: Unglued.  During the fight with Evil K, we’ve tried to implement some of the ideas Alvin-Earthworm has done in his series.

3. How long have you been working on it and when do you expect to finish?

Sunrie:
I’ll take this one *laughs*  We’ve been working on it for about two weeks at this point.  Wyldfyre and I have been passing the script back and forth until it was finalized.  After that, we held open auditions for various characters.  Evil K was the last character we placed.

Wyldfyre:
Pretty much, we’ll be done when we’re done!

4. We keep hearing the name Evil K.  Who is Evil K?  Is it Ken, Kefka, Kano…or a “K” we haven’t thought of?

Wyldfyre:
Well, you’re going to have to watch the next one and find out!  We’re not giving too much information out.  Even the voice actors really don’t know who Evil K is.  Basically, you’ll see him when you see him and it’s meant to be pretty funny.  Personally, when we first thought it up, I laughed!

Sunrie:
Yeah, you can’t expect us to give away the biggest secret!  I won’t even say, “Yes”, to the question, just to confuse people even more *laughs*

5. Oh, you guys tease way too much.  But, back on track, do you feel this is better than your previous work?  If so, why?

Sunrie:
I hate to say it’s better, because I oddly feel that means we weren’t good before!  *laughs a little*  I know what you mean, though, and so I’ll have to say, “Yes.”  The animation is going to run a lot more smoothly, the audio is going to be clearer, the pace is much quicker, and there’s a lot more action going on.

Additionally, we have more voice actors we’re working with.  We had nearly thirty people audition for five parts.  We weren’t expecting that, to be honest.  Well…at least I wasn’t.  We’re doing some things with the animation we hadn’t been able to do before because we couldn’t figure it out.  I’m actually really excited.

Wyldfyre:
One world:  Progression.  I think we’ve progressed in many ways: As voice actors, as producers, as animators.  In the long run, I think you’ll like it.

6. Obviously this is the third episode, but do you still feel this is something original?

Sunrie:
It’s original in the sense that it’s Captain R: The Game Ranger, and we’re not going to make it anything else.  You still have a cussing, balding, redneck of a hero.  We’re expanding on the idea and making things more professional, but it’s still going to be the same tried and true Captain R.

Wyldfyre:
Of course the original idea behind it isn’t original.  However, where we’re going with it is definitely original.  I think the way we put the characters together, the way we’re making them sound, and everything just flows together.  That’s the true originality behind this project.

7. There were some obvious questions left unanswered in the last episode.  Will these be explained?

Wyldfyre:
Yeah, some of them to an extent.  We can’t give you everything in just three episodes.  I think the original idea was to make this series three episodes long, but it’s progressed into something MUCH bigger.  Sunrie and myself would like to bring out the answers in the next few episodes after this, with a lot of hard work.

Sunrie:
The way we do things, however, is with a question answered, there will be at least one more “asked”.  We’ll be explaining about why Sonic kept teasing Shadow about finding the Chaos Emerald and why Shadow was having a hard time actually locating it.  Don’t forget you find out who Evil K is!

8. So more episodes?  Excellent!  Have you learned new techniques so far making this?

Sunrie:
Absolutely, even already.  I’ve done some animation tests and proof of concepts just to try things out, and doing just those, there were little things I learned how to do or how to do easier.

Wyldfyre:
Well, of course I’m learning music left and right.  I don’t know if I’ll be composing anything for this episode like I did for the remake of the original.  As far as techniques, yeah, Sunrie has been learning a lot of things and hopefully soon I’ll be able to help him.  We do our best, damn it! *laughs*

9. So I take it you use other programs in addition to Flash.  What ones do you use?

Wyldfyre:
Paintshop Pro, Vegas 6.0 Professional, Audicity, Voco Edit Pro, or whatever it’s called…  I think that’s all of them!

10. What has given you the most problems making this animation so far?

Sunrie:
Knock on wood, we haven’t had many.  Some of the problems came with the way I was importing the sprite sheets, but I know how to correct that.

The biggest problem I think we’ll run in to is keeping the file size down and both the length and quality high enough.

11. After it is all said and done, how do you think this will measure up to the other submissions on Newgrounds.com?

Wyldfyre:
Being that there’s only a billion, trillion, krachillion submissions on Newgrounds, it’s hard to say.  I think it will stand out in it’s own way.  Our fans, the ones who have watched from day one, will definitely stick with it.  I think that’s what will matter in the long run.

Sunrie:
The original, the remake, and the second episode were very well received.  I don’t see anything other than people finding this one even better and spreading the word about the series.  Captain R: The Game Ranger episodes continue to climb in score every day, so I’m sure it will do just fine.

12. Are there any final thoughts or anything else you’d like to say?

Sunrie:
Besides watch or die? *laughs*  This episode is going to showcase a lot of what has been learned and get people cheering, I think.  We’re not trying to be Super Mario Bros Z or anything like that.  We’re being Captain R: The Game Ranger with more spit shine and polish.  So, check it out, bitches!

Wyldfyre:
Yeah, watch the fucking movie!  If you haven’t seen the other episodes, go watch those.  Listen to my music, too.  It’s upon the Newgrounds.com Audio Portal.  Oh, and world peace is good….uh…yeah!

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Posted 7/18/2008 at 2:14 AM on Xanga.com