Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time

There are way too many emos and attention whores out there for my taste, so I’ve decided to help everyone along. You’re a failure at life, so what makes you think you can succeed in death? I’ll tell you what makes you think that: This article! Here are some ways to get your butt kicked off of this mortal coil.

We’ll start off with the basics and then move on to creativity. Each one is listed with coolness and style points to help you pick the best one.

1. Drink Yourself to Death
Chugalug, you pussy!No, I don’t mean to become an alcoholic who destroys their liver over twenty years like your grandfather, no! I’m talking about good old fashioned, just turned 21 and getting hazed into college drinking yourself to death. How do you do it? It’s rather simple in its execution, actually, but a bit more difficult in application.

First of all, you need to have access to a lot of booze. My suggestion is going out like a playboy and getting your friends together at some kind of kick ass bar or club where they make the Jack and Cokes look like Lipton iced tea. Tell everyone that you are starting a tab and give the bartender your credit card. This way you don’t have to keep paying and possibly run out of bills before you’re dead.

Secondly, you keep ordering drinks…a lot of drinks. Hell, even order some for your friends because you’re about to be dead, so who cares who actually pays?

Don’t let anyone try to tell you to stop drinking, either. If the bartender is a real pussy and says he can’t serve you anymore, give permission to one of your friends to order off your tab, then keep giving you drinks.

Now third, you shouldn’t be mixing your alcohol like nobody’s business as well. The more you mix your booze, the more likely you are to get sick and throw up before you have a chance to get alcohol poisoning. Keep hitting the hard, heavy, and expensive shit because you’ll get hammered faster.

Lastly, make sure that your friends are willing to screw around and pour more drinks down your throat after you “pass out” in order to ensure death. Oh, and don’t forget to write a “Do Not Resuscitate!” note. Can’t have people trying to bring you back, now can we?

The only down side to this is you really need to either be 21 or have someone willing to supply you with an ungodly amount of booze.

Coolness: 8
Style: 9

2. Slit Your Wrist
Down and not across!Sure it’s been done before and it’s nothing unique, but you can’t beat a classic! Too many retarded 14 year old girls can’t seem to get this one right, so it’s time to get some help on this one.

Remember, this isn’t to be trifled with and should only be done by the dedicated!

First you need to find a good, sharp blade. It doesn’t have to be metal, it doesn’t have to be a razor blade, and it doesn’t have to be any longer than two inches. For all it matters, you could use a long shear of broken glass. Just make sure it’s very sharp!

Second, get a grip on said instrument and hold it at a 45ยบ angle and hold it at the top of your wrist. The exact location is two fingers down from where your wrist and palm meet.

The third step here is the most important! Cut DOWN the arm, not across it. A good cadence to remember is either “Down the freeway, not across the street!” or “Flow of a river, not the way of a crow!”

Yes it’s going to hurt, but try not to start and stop too many times, or else the paramedics, coroner and your family will see that you are a pussy in death, just like in life. These are called “hesitation tracks” and are a clear sign that you just weren’t serious enough the first time or few times… That is just as bad as being the failure you are in life in death.

Coolness: 5
Style: 5

3. Jump Off a Tall Spot
Jump like Super Mario!However, don’t be an attention whore about it. For instance, it’s a really bad idea to stand on top of a bridge over a freeway during rush hour. Sure it seems like a great performance idea, but when you think about it, it’s really stupid. Traffic is bad enough without a jumper and since so many people will see you doing it, the cops will be on your ass before you can blink, effectively stopping you.

First off you need to think about the highest place you can easily climb up on. Ideally it’s going to be at least four stories high with nothing for you to hit on the way down. If you were REALLY serious, you’d drive up to the mountains, find a cliff, and then throw yourself off.

Secondly you’re going to need a good running start. Forget that holding on to the edge bullshit, that’s for people who aren’t serious, and you are damn it! No, back up the needed distance for you to reach full running speed.

The third instruction comes as you are running at full speed at right at the edge. Said instruction is JUMP!

This is going to leave a huge mess, which will rule for you and suck for anyone left with the clean up. People will know you were serious when they see your skeleton popped out of your head from the force of you hitting the ground.

Coolness: 6
Style: 6 if regular or 8 if done with a bitchin’ back flip

4. Self-Inflicted Gunshot to the Head
Click, Click, BoomDo it like Kurt Cobain anyway you can! It doesn’t have to be a shotgun. Get yourself a good old fashioned handgun and blow your own brains out. Again, this one is a classic, but not everyone can do it just right.

First off, make sure you have a LOADED gun. You don’t want to feel stupid and have time to think about it after you learn the gun doesn’t have a round chambered.

Next, put the gun under your chin, not in your mouth like the douche nozzle in the picture. If it’s in your mouth, there’s a chance the angle will be incorrect. Also, you don’t want to point it to the side of your head, because if you flinch then you run the risk of being a retarded vegetable instead of a corpse.

All you need to do in the last step is pull the trigger. If it’s under your chin, you’re not going to miss, and if you do, you’ve failed at yet another thing in life: Your own death.

Coolness: 9
Style: 7

5. Drug Yourself with Pills
Consult your local drug dealer, kidsThe staple of the suicider! Over the counter medication is cheap, easy to get, and can be deadly in the right combination. The trick is to not throw up, much like drinking yourself to death, so that you’re forced to die. There’s really only two things to this one.

You need to buy serious OTC medicine. Bad ideas are Tylonal, Excedrin, aspirin, and things like that. No, you want grotesque amounts of NyQuil, DayQuil, and then mix them with antihistamines.

Really the only other step is you need to choke them all down like a whore at a dick sucking contest. If you really want to help things along, chug it down with booze.

A few tips would be that after you swallow it all down, tape your mouth shut really tightly with duct tape. This prevents you from puking it out and ruining your death. Hell, it might even help things along since the vomit will lodge in your sinus cavities.

Coolness: 3
Style: 4 for regular or 6 with the duct tape


6. Feed Yourself to the Blob
Blobs hate cold things...this chick is hot!How cool is that?! Not only do you get to off yourself, but you’re feeding an endangered species as it is. Also, since you’re feeding it, the damn thing grows and will go on to kill your annoying neighbor. Blobs rock and you want to die, so die in a cool way.

The hardest thing to do is find a blob. These things are always around when you don’t want them to be, but the moment you start looking, they are no where to be found. I suggest looking in places like the National Inquirer to find one.

Once found, these things are nothing more than eating machines. Still, there are some important rules to remember when dealing with blobs. The most important thing to remember is that blobs do, in fact, hate anything cold. Try not to be too frigid when you meet one or else it may turn away from you. Also, it is rumored, but not confirmed, that blobs won’t eat something if it is really raunchy and stinky. So, take a shower and make sure you are all clean. Every creature deserves a good, clean meal!

Coolness: 9
Style: 6

7. Use Your Own Hands to Choke Yourself
Keep going, tough guy!So…fucking…manly! Once thought to be impossible, it shouldn’t be for those who are dedicated. This has to be one of the greatest ways to prove that you were worth more to the world than it allowed you to be. There isn’t a man alive who wouldn’t salute you for pulling this one off.

What you need is to have hands, obviously, but they must be your own! You’ll need to grasp your throat as if your hand was a pit bull’s jaw and lock up. The proper way to do this is to make a V over your neck, find your wind pipe, and try to wrap your hand around it while squeezing.

Second step is to give it your all and do not let go.The last thing you need is to wake up in the hospital with doctors looking at you like an idiot while you explain your failure. This is basically like failing at failing, which is the ultimate shit for a suicider.

Like I said earlier, this is the manliest way to go out. Not all suicide has to be messy or anything like that, so why not do something an extremely small amount of others have done? Join their ranks and prove your worth!

Coolness: 10!!!!!!!!!!
Style: 10!!!!!!!!!!

8. Porno Fisting Session Gone Wrong
Love Fist, baby!This one will make a mess, so be warned. You want to die, but you also want to feel good, so why not go out feeling good? I know it’s a bit of a contradiction, but hear me out on this, alright? This gives the phrase “Taping that ass!” new meaning!

Basically you either go to a professional porn studio or an amatuer one and tell them you want to star in the newest fisting movie. Since it’s not a huge liking to most porn stars, you’ll get the part no problem. Just lube up really well.

Now that you’re in, it’s time to get someone in you. Chicks get two choices, but guys…you only get one! As the fisting starts, give the camera something to work with, but act like you’re messing up a lot, and get them to do a lot of takes.During the fifth or sixth take, start screaming for “HARDER!”, “MORE!” and the extremely important, “I WANT FOUR FISTS AT ONCE!!!!!!!” Then ride those fists until your insides are made out of jelly. This shouldn’t be a long process when four or more fists are punching your colon at the same time.

Remember when I said this will make a mess? Well, expect to be spitting ass and blood all over the place. Your co-stars are going to be shoving their fists so far up you that they’ll puncture your bowels, causing all sorts of stuff to fire out like a firehose. Make sure no one trims their nails!

Coolness: 3
Style: 9

9. Ultimate Beat Down
This one is simple to do as a man and requires not picture help. Simply walk up to a bunch of UFC fighters in a gym, drop your pants, and scream, “You are all faggots who want to suck this cock!”

Females will need to be wearing a strap on. Simply tell them that they are all faggots and that they want to be screwed with the strap on you’re wearing. Continue to scream at them and one of them will beat you hard enough to kill you.

Coolness: 10
Style: 4 for guys 8 for girls

10. Backdraft Fart
Burn, baby, burn! Disco inferno!This one is also a great way to go out and create a nasty mess for the paramedics. All you need is some really bad gas and a lighter. Oh, and a video camera, because no one is going to believe you took yourself out with your own farts unless you record it. After all, you don’t want to end up as one of those unbelievable e-mail stories, do you?

The beans you eat are very important. Don’t eat something like Bush’s Baked Beans because they suck ass. Refried beans are always a sure bet. Aside from beans, look into eating a lot of broccoli and cheese, cabbage, and anything else that’s going to gas you up. You know your body better than I do, so get to it!

Now, you’ll want to be naked. There’s no point in accidentally lighting yourself on fire, now is there? You’ve chosen one of the coolest ways to die and you don’t want anything to get in the way of that! Lay back on the floor and try to get your ass slightly elevated above your head with your legs apart. Hold the lighter at least an inch from yourself and then let one go.

The trick here is to keep your butthole loose as the fart ends so that the flame enters the rectum and ignites the gas inside. Once it’s done that, clinch extremely hard!!!! Know what happens when gas has to expand and can’t? That’s right, you get an explosion! HOW FUCKING AWESOME IS THAT?!

Coolness: 20
Style: 20

Well, that’s it for today. Pick and choose carefully, and make sure you do it right. Don’t fail at dying, you pathetic fucks. It pisses off the paramedics, cops, and family. It also only goes to show what a horrible piece of shit you are and everybody else was right about you.
Posted 4/28/2007 at 1:37 AM on Xanga