Little Known Legendary Creatures #3 – Cheese Goblin

Dreaded Cheese Goblin

In this install of Little Known Legendary Creatures we will be taking a look at the dreaded Cheese Goblin. No creature is more loathed among the French, save for the Vin Fantôme. Unlike the Butt Pirate or even the Buffalo Wing Fairy, the Cheese Goblin is still in the hearts and mind of every Frenchman.


Origin
Tales of the Cheese Goblin come from before written French history and even bear striking resemblance to tales found in Sweden and even found in journals of Austrian cheese makers. With 26% of the cheese in the world produced in America, there are even whispers of the Cheese Goblin making its rounds in the many dairies.

One recorded account by a cheese smelling Frenchman in 1645 had this to say in his diary (translated from French to English):

DAMN IT! Those stupid cheese goblins! They have ruined yet another fine dining experience for my children. We were to dine on fine cheese with rich wine, only to have one of those dreaded devils bite the nose off of my youngest son. My daughter…I am sure she is now pregnant. At least those damn wine phantoms have not defiled my wife with an ostrich feather.

In a more recent account, found in the Cheese Crazy In A Lazy Daze! blog, circa 2004, we find the author, CheeseHunk4197, has this to say in regards to a personal experience:

So, I kid you guys not… There I was, eating some damn good cheese curds up in Oregon, when all of a sudden this…I don’t know…cheese goblin jumps out of some emmental cheese and starts running around! This little bastard started biting the nose off of everyone it came in contact with…blood and screaming everywhere! No one believes me and the news won’t cover it! I REALLY wish I had some pictures of this little bastard. It almost…ALMOST…put me off of cheese!

This proves the Cheese Goblin is alive and well even in America, far away from France.


Powers
No one knows how the Cheese Goblins get into the cheese to begin with. Even in the modern era, there are those who propose the idea of anomalous generation, in which the simple act of making cheese is what brings these creatures into existence.

What we do know of the Cheese Goblin’s powers is that it has the ability to immediately jump out of cheese, usually emmental, such as Swiss cheese, and bite the nose off of the victim. The Cheese Goblin has never been known to eat any other body part, not even fingers, but legend does not say why. Take for instance this account in Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World:

Cheese Goblin is a low ranking marques and is extremely ferocious. He is known to rest silently in cheese, usually emmental, but not always, until his victim comes near. Like a snake inside a clay pot, Cheese Goblin then leaps from the delicious snack and bites the nose clean off the face.

He appeareth as though Kermit the Frog had sweaty, gooey, Broke Back Mountain butt sex with one of the gremlins from the movie Gremlins and produced a child. His temper is always raging and his teeth are full of razor sharp daggers, much like the terrible CGI abomination from the Steven King made for TV mini-series The Langoliers.

He understandeth both good and bad cheese, while ruling two legions of divils

According to some lore, the Cheese Goblin has the ability to disappear, while others claim it simply moves at an unbelievable speed making it appear to do so. According to Falsum Libro Daemones, the Even Lesser Key of Solomon the King:

The eitheenth hundred and sixth spirit is the Paneer Bhoot (पनीर भूत). He hides inside hardened dairy, which is pleasing to be placed on a cracker. Waiting for the non-careful to place their face close, it will leap from inside and remove the smelling part of the face. His look is that of a large frog with human hands and feet, with teeth full of swords which interlock perfectly in their spacing. His speed is like that of Barry Allen after getting is powers making it appear as though he turns invisible. He is in control of two legions.


Residence
…it lives in cheese. It’s in the name of the creature! There’s no where else… I mean, every single description talks about it. In the Mertvoye kniga iz Eksperta, author unknown, for instance just says this:

It lives in cheese. Duh!

Not every legendary and/or magical creature lives some place amazing.


Roll in Modern Society
With people on health kicks in the United States, it is unlikely we will see a large resurgence of the Cheese Goblin, which is not necessarily a bad thing. However, for those who work in the industry there is always a chance at glimpsing these creatures.

Those wishing to see one of these legendary creatures would do well to hang out near a dairy or live in a place trying to attract cheese aficionados such as Wisconsin. France is also another place for a good chance to see one in action. Besides, you’d be watching some French bastard get their nose bit off, and who can argue with that?


Protective Wards
One can protect themselves from the Cheese Goblin through simple actions, such as cutting cheese into thin slices before consuming it or even with spells from The Grimoire of Protection: Ulinzi Uhawi, Imamu Jirongo, circa 1975:

Dis is coo mon. Dem deh cheese goblins jerks. To protect yourself, you’ll need a few things. Firstly, get a chicken which isn’t deep friend. Second, get a lot of cow blood…and I mean a LOT of it. Then decorate your place with so many skulls and candles people will think it’s two in the afternoon when it’s midnight. Then for twenty minutes drink rum, spitting it in the air every so often, until you pass out. The Cheese Goblin will be exorcised. See it?

Given the option, it would be best to simply cut the cheese…as it were.


Summoning and Spiritual Rankings
No one knows how the Cheese Goblin is summoned as it always seems to be unintentional and no one in their right mind should seek to find one by getting next to a large slice or even a block of cheese. Do so at your own risk!

Rank: Lesser Marquis
Sign: 4° – 6.1.459° Pices (February 19 – March 20)
Time of Day: Sunrise and Sunset
Planet: Titan (moon)
Metal: Administratium
Command: 2 Legions
Tarot Card: Milked Cow

Dirk “The Jerk” Swanson – Entry #542

Worship me like a god, you pricks!
Wassup, Swansonites! Of course, gotta start this off with telling anyone who is a faggot or fagette to get out of here. This is an awesome zone only, and you’re not allowed. That goes for all of you nerds as well! Get out of here, you nerds and geeks!

Now that the loser bus has pulled out of B.A. Town (the B stands for Bad and the A stands for Ass!), it’s time to get down to business like a hooker making rent money. I’m gonna go ahead and give a shout out right now to all my Swansonites helping me reach 542 entries in this awesome Wordcast. Yeah, you know I hate that term diary because it implies you’re some kind of nancy-boy, and we ain’t none! Blog means boring and, damn straight as a real man’s dick, I ain’t boring. Wordcast is so much more accurate, ammirite? Podcast means you’re talking. Vidcast means you’re videoing. Wordcast means you’re writing! Because I’m awesome, you’re awesome Swansonites.

Look, I know I said we’d get down to business, but foreplay is appreciated sometimes. I mean, I do like a good blow job before hand.

So, I just got done with my lunch time work out, right, and I’m heading into Shibuya Nakano’s to get some additional protein while carbing up a little. SN has an amazing deal where you get their chicken teriyaki bowl with veggies and brown rice for like $13 with a drink. Hell of a deal! Well, I like this place and, as you know, me and the bro’s and the bra’s head here a lot while our muscles twitch with justice after a killer work out. Unfortunately today must have been fat-boy Friday! As soon as I walked in, there was some major fat body eating a large bowl. Dude was about 5’10” and must have weighed about 165lbs with 18% body fat! DISGUSTING! His chick wasn’t much better, either. She must have been around 5’4″ and weighed 105lbs, but only had double B’s. Yeah, what a loser, but I guess he can only get what he can afford looking the way he does.

Thankfully I have a pretty iron clad stomach so I didn’t completely lose my appetite. Sadly, there was a real pitiful looking twat taking orders. This dude was nasty. Yeah, I mean, he was like 5’6″! There’s no reason a man should be under 6′. Hit a god damn gym, puny man! I got my order as fast as possible to go and got the hell out of there.

Work was pretty uneventful, like usual. Come on, guys, there’s only so much that can happen when selling protein and other sups’. Obviously there were total desk jockeys coming in thinking they can magically have the kind of build I enjoy without the genetics I do. I’m all natty, bro!

Went out to eat with my chick and two of her friends. They totally want to nail me, but she won’t let me have a four way with them. Probably just nail them individually later during a BBQ or baby shower or something. The waiter totally pissed me off! When I told him what I wanted, he acted like I was begging for the world. How hard is it to understand I want a steak, all fat removed, four pieces of broccoli, two carrot slices, and a 1/8th cup of rice?! Seriously, he was all like, “Sir, the steak has fat marbled through it and the chief won’t be able to remove all of it.” So I’m all like, “GO FUCK YOUR MOTHER! Cut that shit! I know what fat in a steak looks like! I cut that shit out all the time at home! Why can’t you do your job and he do his job?!” That set the little prick straight and my steak came out just right. It was so juicy and damp, too. People say you can’t get a steak juicy without fat, but I say they haven’t put the fear of god into the restaurant people enough to get it. Whatever they do there I can’t figure out when I’m at home, however, so I usually coat it in extra-extra virgin (how I like my women!) olive oil. I handled that situation appropriately, if you ask me, and I know you did. I may be nicknamed “The Jerk”, but I’m not without compassion.

There you have my day, Swansonites! I look forward to giving you another positive Wordcast again in the near future. Keep being awesome like me!

Little Known Legendary Creatures #2 – Butt Pirate

Legendary Butt Pirate

In the last installment of Little Known Legendary Creatures, we investigated the Buffalo Wing Fairy and what made it so special. Today, we are going to take a look at the often criticized, and now turned insult, Butt Pirate.


Origin
Origin stories of the Butt Pirate seem to date back as far as the 1600’s and were originally considered good luck. During that time, personal hygiene was a problem for people in general, but especially sailors who would be out at sea for months at a time without proper privies.

One sailor had this to say about the Butt Pirate in his sailing journal (cleaned for easier reading in current English):

We have been without port nearly three months and the smell of the crew was staggering. Nearly all members were about to start mutiny due to the unsanitary conditions we were forced to live with. Praise the Lord, however, when at dusk our look out spotted a ship near the horizon. At first fearful, we were alerted to the emblem on the flag, which we recognized: Butt Pirate! Quickly heading below deck to feign sleep, the Butt Pirate boarded us, collecting the fecal matter he uses for mysterious reasons, and our posteriors were cleaned.

This is not the first recorded incident of the Butt Pirate, but it does prove to be one of the best to show the creature was welcomed, not feared, nor used as an insult.


Powers
Butt Pirate is known to invade, both through consensual and non consensual contact, the butt of its target. What it does with these poop nuggets has long been up for debate as no one has seen what it does with them.

According to lore, the Butt Pirate has the ability to make his own ship, The Black Eel, appear and disappear at will. In addition to invisibility, records suggest the ship can also move across time and space to reach other destinations almost immediately. Take for instance this account in Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World:

Butt Pirate is not a marquis and is often shunned by the higher daemon lords. He is commonly known to sail among the world’s waters, including the Great Lakes in America and even a few times reported in Loch Ness.

Appearing as a regal naval officer with a hat portraying a skull and crossbones, he smells of sweat and feces. All except his head appears to be human and he has a hook for a hand on the right side. Where his face and head should be is what looks like a well fatted butt.

He has the ability to appear and disappear upon his magnificent ship, adorned with beauty, and preceded by the odor of fecal matter. The phantom smell of solid waste is an indication Butt Pirate is near, but there is no need to fear.

Cleaning the posterior waste exits, up to the colon, Butt Pirate was once welcomed by many, but that is quickly changing. What he does with the collection of feces is unknown.

He can only communicate with short bursts which sound like human flatulence.

He is known to hang out with The Poopsmith, categorized here: The Poopsmith: Who he is and what he’s doing now

With the ability to turn invisible and teleport, could he be an alien visitor? Ancient Astronaut Theorists, say yes!


Residence
While many legendary creatures have their own place of residence, Butt Pirate claims his home on the water masses of Earth. Not completely content on being out in the open all the time, however, there is record of it hiding in special areas outside of human sight.

In the book Historia de Mierda by Miranda Veracruz de la Hoya Cardinal, we learn Butt Pirate may have his own pirate get-a-way:

Between the rays of sunlight, past the swells in waters smooth and clear as polished crystal, Butt Pirate will moore his boat for times of rest and reflection. Inside a sea face cave, protected from sight, he will sip his high quality rum, often until throwing up, and relax after a long day of collecting booty from booty. He is a creature of simple pleasures.

Like other creatures of legend, it seems Butt Pirate can exist in an area inaccessible to us humans. The area does not sound like any known paradise, and as such, may even be a creation from Butt Pirate himself.


Roll in Modern Society
Unlike most forgotten or near forgotten legendary creatures, Butt Pirate has continued to this day in popular culture. Sadly, Butt Pirate has turned to a negative connotation and not something welcome as he was in the past.

Urban Dictionary has this listed as a definition for butt pirate as written by Bill B:

A ruddy queer man who likes to ram his schooner into another man’s glory hole; a sailor of anal ports.

See also: ass-rammer, jizz-junkie, cum gulper, butt-muncher, turd-burglar, peter-puffer.

Holy shit, Pete! Don’t be grabbing my arse, ya dirty butt pirate! ARGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Even though the definition of butt pirate remains similar as that of the original Butt Pirate, it has taken on a grand negative context. With the advent and availability of modern plumbing, Butt Pirate seems doomed to be forgotten as a positive, welcome force and forever branded as something vile. Time will tell if the trend will shift back to his original intent.


Summoning and Spiritual Ranking
There seems to be no sure way to summon Butt Pirate. All indication is he shows up at will to collect his bounty, and recently he is being reported at an exceedingly decreasing rate. Hopefully Butt Pirate will not turn to violent collection without having much chance to collect his bounties in the modern world.

Rank: Commoner
Sign: 1° – 6.11.4° Pisces (March 14 – April 14)
Time of Day: Any
Planet: Neptune
Metal: Bombastium
Command: 0 Legions
Tarot Card: None

Little Known Legendary Creatures #1 – Buffalo Wing Fairy

Legend of the Buffalo Wing Fairy

There are more things under Heaven…I could look up how the rest of this goes since I’m already on the Internet, but I’m too lazy to do it. Besides, I’m not here to quote Stephen Hawking, I’m here to talk about some little known legendary creatures.

Almost everyone knows about the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, The Boogey Man, and the Chanukah kawala, but how many of you out there know of the others? I’m talking about creatures such as the Cheese Goblin, or even the Buffalo Wing Fairy. How sad it is we have already begun to forget about these amazing creatures.

So, what I’m going to do is tell you about them here! First up, we’re going to learn about the Buffalo Wing Fairy!


Origin
Little is known of the origins for the Buffalo Wing Fairy. It first appeared in literature around 1968 in Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World. The book has this to say about the entity:

Buffalo Wing Fairy is a great and mighty marques. He is common among the fraternities in the Eastern seaboard area of the United States. He commeth abroad in the form of a love child between Chuck Norris and Bob Ross with multi-colored wings reminiscent of marshmallow fruit candies. Unlike the hidden fist bearded Chuck Norris and the happy painting Bob Ross, however, the creature produces deliciously fried chicken wings lightly battered and tossed in a fiery sauce which is pleasing to the palette. He understandeth all things good and bad with a fraternaty pledge and member alike, while he ruleth six legions of divils.

Still, there are suggestions he may be much older than that. Reading older texts shows a similar creature mentioned, but producing other items for consumption going back to 200BC. The book Falsum Libro Daemones, the Even Lesser Key of Solomon the King, writes about this creature and has this to say:

The one hundreth seventy first spirit is Bhainsa viṅga parī. He is summoned by placing a container of fermented wheat beneath a head resting while sleeping. In the night, he shall approach. Should you have been truly good and deserving, he shall accept your offering and in return place a plate of crispy delicacies upon your chest for consumption upon your awakening. He appears as being bathed in light, his faced adorned by a mighty beard which may or may not hide something and his head is crowned by a ball of dark brown, maybe red, hair which is both entertaining and happy. Upon his chest is a massive blue B against his off white robe, which only comes down to his mid thighs. He is in control of six legions of demons.

Were the “crispy delicacies” buffalo wings? We can’t say for sure, but it does some what match what we know now of the creature.

Originally the Buffalo Wing Fairy seemed to be only reported in America, but it is now being recorded wherever buffalo wings are being made.


Powers
The Buffalo Wing Fairy has some strange powers. Not only does the Buffalo Wing Fairy have the ability to enter into any structure in order to collect beer as an offering, it can appear in multiple locations at once. No amount of research has explained if there are many Buffalo Wing Fairies or if this is one creature existing in multiple areas at once.

The buffalo wings produced are said to be the greatest in existence. Because no one has been able to resist the urge to eat all of the wings upon waking up, there has been no research in examining what makes them so delicious. Many restaurants have opened in an attempt to produce the amazing flavors, but none have been successful, though it is worth noting the flavors they have come up with are wonderful.

All attempts to contact the Buffalo Wing Fairy have resulted in failure. Since the creature is obviously telepathic by some means, it can detect the traps set up and will refuse to collect the beer as an offering, meaning no buffalo wings. Children are also unable to contact the Buffalo Wing Fairy unless they are of legal drinking age in the area of the world in which they reside.


Residence
Like Santa Clause living in The North Pole, the Buffalo Wing Fairy has its own area of dominion. While little is known about where it resides, we do have this excerpt from Mertvoye kniga iz Eksperta, author unknown:

Flying into the homes to collect beer, but not hard liquor such as vodka, this creature is known to few. According to one account of a conversation, the creature said it comes from a land of bubbling oil and crumbs of many special breads. Dripping from the species of an unknown plant, the secretions are added to the chicken, after it is cooked, for the most amazing, and heavenly, of flavors. All the chicken used is free range, antibiotic free, and no artificial hormones are added, nor are there any extra preservatives. One must be truly good and deserving to taste the succulent treats it offers.

Could the unknown substance placed on the chicken wings from the plants be what the Greeks called ambrosia? It sure seems likely!


Role in Modern Society
With the decrease of many beliefs this day in age, the role of the Buffalo Wing Fairy seems to be one of tragic forgetfulness. Since people now prefer to simply drink all their beers rather than offer them to the creature in exchange for the wings, coupled with the ability to easily get buffalo wings, the Buffalo Wing Fairy could disappear into obscurity.

Still to this day many fraternities actively pursue the Buffalo Wing Fairy in order to bring them the delicious wings, and the trend is once again beginning to catch on with those who are hungry for wings and don’t wish to attend the travesty known as Buffalo Wild Wings. There have even been whispers of some sororities, such as Kappa Kappa Kappa and Ti Sto Diáolo participating in these practices.


Practice vs. Christianity
Christianity has a strong anti-occult practice rule. However, this has not stopped Christians from either ignoring this rule, or making an attempt to bring the secular into their religion, which is against their religion’s rules. Many Christians celebrate Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, and even allow their children to believe in the Tooth Fairy and/or Santa Clause, all of which are a pagan ritual at the core, and therefore, a huge sin against their rules.

So, why stop there? Allowing one self to offer beer to a slightly overweight man with wings who happens to wear an outfit so tiny even Peter Pan would blush seems right in line. There are even those out there who claim since this isn’t an actual worship, there is “no harm, no foul”. Believe what you wish.


Summoning and Spiritual Rankings
Summoning of the Buffalo Wing Fairy seems to require a beer which is cold in either a can or, preferably, a long neck container and placed under your pillow. At some time during the night, if you had been truly good and deserving, the Buffalo Wing Fairy will place a plate of buffalo wings on your chest so you can eat them upon waking. If the summoning isn’t true or you do not meet the requirements, the Buffalo Wing Fairy will not come, you will not have hot wings, and your beer will be ruined.

Rank: Marquis
Sign: 10° – 19.59.59° Virgo (September 14 – 22)
Time of Day: After Midnight, but before Dawn
Planet: Uranus
Metal: Bone and Skin (not really a metal, but considered)
Command: 6 Legions
Tarot Card: 2 of Jestershttp://imgur.com/TyGWjtc

Letter from my HOA over my fireworks

Look, Fourth of July is freaking awesome.  Almost as awesome as Halloween, but not quite…so probably on level with Christmas.  What’s not to love about lighting things on fire legally?

Well, I have been celebrating all week with a combination of Jack Daniels, Dr. McGillicuddy’s, and fireworks.  Yeah, I’ve been that excited over the book and Fourth of July.  Not sharing my enthusiasm for America’s independence, my HOA, Soul Suck HOA, has issued me to stop!  Can you believe that?!

Man, I hate HOA’s…they suck so bad.  Here’s a scanned copy of that letter they sent me (click for a larger view in a separate window):
Soul Suck HOA hates July 4th!

Man…fuck those guys!  What nazis!  Also, a SAFE 4th?  Unless someone lights their hair on fire or looses a finger, my night isn’t complete!

The Golden Age is Gone!

Fear. Panic. Annoyance. Death. Acceptance. Well, okay, maybe acceptance before death, but not always. Not always. As we all have been made aware, The Golden Age has officially come to an end as reported by our council of elders in their watch towers (AKA skyscraper business complexes in various states).

I am here for all of you in this trying time, so don’t worry. As a matter of fact, I am going to assist us in these trying times by offering the soothing voice which will guide many through the darkness in the coming days. Even with The Golden Age at a finish there is a silver lining. That is to say, the Silver Age, with a small “the”, is now here.

Silver, unlike gold, isn’t as pure nor as nice. Gold can do all kinds of things which silver cannot. This is going to be the worst thing for the Silver Age. You see, second place is generally a silver medal. Since second place is the first to lose then silver is the first to suck. Granted, the coming the Silver Age won’t suck as hard as the bronze Age, so there is that.

What can you expect in this the Silver Age? For one thing, you can be sure everything which came before will have been better: Movies, videogames, music, dancing, and food. None of this is going to be as good as The Golden Age, so brace yourself for that. Food will taste less delicious because everything considered “bad”, which gives it flavor, will be removed, leaving a bland, yet more healthy, food item. Movies will be less entertaining and nothing except remakes of great movies in the past without any of the understanding as to why the original was good to begin with. Music will be nothing more than disconnected sounds of cars slamming into each other while a modem screams a connection in the background. Dancing will simply be running around naked while doing the helicopter as dirt is poured from the ceiling, since soap suds has already been done. Videogames will be nothing more than fifteen minute adventures, which will require you to purchase the ability to continue playing after each three minutes for what will eventually become 2.5x what you ORIGINALLY bought the game for and you will also have to pay a monthly subscription fee on top of it as the game designers snort coke of high dollar hookers’ asses while never addressing game play nor hacking issues until it costs them money from said hackers.

the Silver Age may seem bleak, but it’s not going to be all bad. We will be smarter than those who are born during this time. As they grow older, they are moving toward the bronze Age and as such will have less and less common sense than those of us around right now. Eventually, sure, they will be in power, but the vast majority of them will be so mangled from their own stupidity, we will have a nice decline in population, also meaning we will be more beautiful than they are. Not to mention we will always be able to out exercise them due to their obesity and sedentary life style well into our 90’s.

We know Times are Changing simply for the sake of change, but I think we can do this. Allow me to be your guide, your guru, your guy who holds all your money because you can’t be trusted with it. You know this is true. Please, no checks. Cash only.

Together, we can do anything, because of me.

The Magical Whistling Vagina

There are few actual magical things in this world: Love of a puppy, a full moon on a still summer night, and the strangling of a baby. Well, I’ve found one more thing: the whistling vagina. While it’s not mine anymore, I had the pleasure of experiencing it for a time in my life and I know I can die a happy man now.

How this all started was simple enough and hardly worth mentioning, but I will. I had just finished a nine mile round trip hike around a local mountain range when I spotted a black haired angel. She was only around five foot four inches, but she had a hard body, tight ass, and a pair of tits which betrayed her small figure. Banging lips, too, which I knew could suck a pair of balls straight out of a hard dick. Turns out, I was right about that, but let’s not focus on this.

We caught eyes as I approached, so I stopped and began some idle chat with her. She told her two annoying friends to go ahead without her, and we made plans to meet up later. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What about this magical whistling vagina?” I’m getting to that. Every story needs a good setup.

She must have called me fifteen times in two days to tell me how excited she was to meet up. Taking this as a cue, I decided to just invite her straight over to my place and have a date just like any other twenty three year old does. That is to say, put on Netflix, pretend to be interested in the movie on screen for five seconds, and then start making out for a few before banging each other until the sun comes up three days later. If you haven’t figured this is that kind of story yet, you’re dumber than even I figured you are.

The night in question comes around and she shows up in this tiny sun dress which barely covered her panties, which she actually wasn’t wearing, and was the description of “Holy shit, you fine!”. I popped some popcorn and we chatted as it finished up before flipping through Netflix to find something we were going to ignore. I don’t remember what it was, but sure enough, the make-out session started and she was aggressive in a good way.

Realizing this wasn’t going to be enough nor was the couch a good place to start the screwing, we both jumped up and ran to the bed room. All clothes came off and we got into the full swing of it. After about four strokes I realized I heard something strange, so I stopped and looked around. When I didn’t hear it again, I continued, only to realize the sound came back. She asked what was wrong and I told her, “I hear something odd…like…like a whistle that keeps changing as I’m nailing you.” She blushed and told me it was her. Well, not her, but her magical whistling vagina. I didn’t believe her and started trying different variations, which, sure enough, changed the pitch and length of each whistle.

From that moment on I was hooked! I couldn’t get enough of that magical whistling vagina. With her help, I explored all kinds of different musical tastes from Fredrick Francois Chopin to ZZ Top. From Waltz to Dubstep. Sadly, happiness can never truly last forever and she left one day for new adventures. I will always remember, and be grateful, for the time with that magical whistling vagina!

Revised Employee Handbook from Human Resources (Must Read)

Employee Handbook Revisions

Attention All Employees:

The following are revisions for the 2015 Employee Handbook. Each Employee is expected to read through each rule change and sign off, in agreement, on the bottom of this document. Failure to do so will be grounds of termination.


HR §141-22.4.4 – Work Attire – Ties (Men)
Previously listed as…

…solid colors only with no discernible patterns nor be offensively bright.

Now listed as…

…anything worn by those idiots from the Def Comedy Jam tour…you know what we mean!

 
 
HR §141-22.5.6 – Work Attire – Skirts (Women)
Bringing ourselves into the modern area, this section has been rewritten. Previously listed as…

Skirts for all women must be to the knee or lower. No skirt may be above the knee or have slits of any length.

To show we’re now hip and much more cool, the section now reads as the following:

Skirts for any person must be to the knee or lower. Skirts may not be above the knee, but may have up to a 3″, no longer, slit on one side of the leg or the other. All legs must be shaven.

We live in the now with you.
 
 
HR §215-11.2.3 – Usage of the water-cooler
This section has not been updated since 1952 and we never felt the need to, but we’re bringing ourselves up to the 2015 expectations of such a great company. Previously listed as…

Water coolers may be used by whites only. No niggers, no spics, no kikes! You shouldn’t even be working here if you’re one of those anyway.

It is now listed as…

Water coolers may be used white Caucasians only. No African-Americans, no Hispanics, and no Jews. You shouldn’t have been hired to begin with, except the Jews in our accounting department. Use your own water cooler.

 
 
HR §222-2.22.2.1 and – §222-2.22.2.2 Personal Item Displays in cubicle (NEW ADDITION)
It is important for people to feel comfortable at work and personal items are a great way to do this. We already allow small pictures and even a few toys on your desk, but in the wake of new portable technologies, we have added something new.

*-*.*.*.1- Any cooking item must be properly grounded when plugged in to prevent fires.
*-*.*.*.2- No deep friers are allowed since we like to keep employees somewhat thinner than the norm.

We like fried cheese as much as the next guy, but given we keep most you in your seat for up to twelve hours a day for little pay, we’re going to do our part in helping you stay healthy.
 
 
HR §311-M.D.K – Firearms and other weapons
In order to keep employees safer at the work place, we have revised this section. Previously listed as…

Firearms and other weapons, including but not limited to pocket knives, are prohibited for possession on company grounds. This includes, but is not limited to, the parking lot areas as well.

It is now listed as…

Firearms, other weapons, and anything which may be used as a weapon, such as your own personal pens, scissors, or staple removers, are prohibited to be in your personal possession without supervision from a Manager II or higher. This includes, but is not limited to, the unlit parking lot areas as well. The parking lot is now without lights to keep people from seeing you come and go, which makes you safer, since no one will know you’re there. We are also telling everyone through the media and using roadside billboards to let everyone know our employees pose no threat since they are completely unarmed.

Your safety is one of our top priorities!
 
 
HR §318-1.2.3 – Harassment (Sexual)
Sexual harassment is a real problem. Women don’t have to deal with it, so remember that. Originally listed as…

Any written or spoken comment, graphical depiction, unwanted look, touch or other action, or anything which may be interpreted as a sexual nature is prohibited.

Now listed as…

Just because you’re a fat, ugly or homely bitch doesn’t mean the woman getting more attention than you doesn’t like the attention she’s getting. Maybe she’s loving and asking for it. If you’re an attractive woman and you’re wearing a blouse which shows off 90% of your breast, expect people to look. Don’t wear it or shut the fuck up.

Stick with your own gender for workspace friends if you don’t like how one gender acts toward the other.
 
 
HR §525-2.1.1 – Internet Usage
As people have gotten used to the Internet, its attraction and mystery have begun to wane. As such, we have revised our Internet policy to reflect the changing attitudes of the people. Previously listed as…

Internet usage is to be limited to only work related items such as project research or sending e-mails. No personal web browsing is allowed. Any violation of this will be grounds for termination!

Now listed as…

Internet usage for pornography is to be limited to your 30 minute break. This ensures your finish as 10 minutes is too short. Usage of Facebook is limited to one wall post and one crop watering per day! You may only view on YouTube, but have unlimited time to view, Sunrie Gaming, Speedy and the Crew, and Vanoss Gaming since those guys are hilarious.

We feel this is the best compromise for personal use to balance work related items.
 
 
HR §666 HAIL SATAN!
No revisions. We’re just reminding you.


Please sign below indicating you have read, agree with, and promise to comply with all revisions of the company.

I, ________________________________________, do swear to uphold, with unrelenting courage, all rules and revisions presented to me. HAIL SATAN!

or

I, ________________________________________, formally resign and commend the dark lord to take my soul now. HAIL SATAN!

Game Ranger 4 Interview (s) (t)

Captain R: The Game Ranger 4
Memories of a Lost Time
Interview

1. What is the story behind your latest creation?
Ron, who has been designated the Game Ranger, just made it back to the End of Time.  He’s moping around, refusing to do anything, especially after the events of Game Ranger 2 and 3.

However, he is forced into action by Janus and the wheels of his destiny begin to turn once again.

2. Who or what inspired you to begin your production?
As I always state, the original Captain N: The Game Master was the main influence behind the theme.The entire “Adventures of Ron” was started by my two friends and it grew from there.

The original “Adventures of Ron” were made in Swish using animated (loosely used) still images and exported to *.MOV files.  They were huge!  After learning how to use Flash, I offered to make an episode and, well…the rest is kind of history.

3. How long have you been working on it, and when do you expect to finish?
Game Ranger 4 has been worked on for about five months at this point.  Most of that hasn’t been animation, though.

There was a long writing process because the script changed around four or five times.  Ron was originally going to be in the Final Fantasy 6 world, then the Final Fantasy World with multiple characters from the different Final Fantasy games, just a Final Fantasy style world, and then finally we scraped that for the new story.

Then came the long audition process, which is actually still continuing.  There are a few characters which need actors.

As for when I expect it to be finished, that’s tough to say.  The actors we have are taking a while to get lines sent in and some of the less extravagant characters aren’t getting as many quality auditions.  So…when it’s done!

4. Do you feel that this is better than your previous work? If so, why?
This is far above and beyond anything I’ve produced thus far.  Having learned little tricks from all previous animations, this project is amazing.

I’m using a lot of the “advanced” sprite techniques in order to give a more professional look, I’m making custom sprite sequences, and I’m making my own backgrounds from composites of existing images, as well as animating them myself.

The entire feel of the animation is much tighter and the script is top notch.

5. Do you feel that this is something original? What have you done to make your creation different?
Again, obviously the premise isn’t completely original, but the way we go about it is.  I always wanted to parody Captain N in some way, and this was the best way to do it.

What sets this apart from other animations out there is that Captain R: The Game Ranger isn’t trying to be something it isn’t.  The series is about a lazy, balding, white trash racist guy who doesn’t even want to be there in the first place.  We don’t make it seem like Princess Willow is being held in Bowser’s castle, so you won’t be seeing Richter walking across a bridge, hitting an axe, and the bridge dropping out or anything like that.

We’re mixing and matching different video games together to make a vast, huge world in which Ron gets in to all kinds of trouble.  There’s no moral to the stories, at least not intentionally.


6. What has given you the most difficulty during the development process of your new creation?

That’s a good one, actually.  The biggest problem I’ve faced is getting the highest quality of actors with high quality microphones.  Many times I’d get a lot of excellent auditions with horrible audio or excellent audio with terrible auditions.

Then there’s the constant back and forth, mostly in a good way, with the other creator.  We’ll differ on something and have to come up with a happy medium.

Oh…and then there’s the whole “create custom sprites” when things aren’t available that I need.


7. Have you learned new techniques from making this, and do you plan to use them in the future?

I’m always learning something new when making these things.  Often times I’ll be working on another project and learn something new and go back to a different one to implement the techniques.

Thanks to the V-Cam, I can produce a lot of new effects, and in doing even that, I learn new techniques, such as “Add” in the “Blend” option of a movie clip.  Doing that provides a softer effect for the animation, much like you see in Street Fighter or the like.


8. Besides Flash, did you pull any other programs into the mix to deliver your desired effect?

I’m forever using other programs.  I’m using the following programs:

Fighter Maker
Sony Vegas Pro
Audicity
Firefox


9. How do you feel this creation will measure up to other submissions on Newgrounds.com?

This will smack the others out of the water, definitely.  That is, until Street Fighter vs Dragonball Z is released!


10. Any final thoughts or anything else you would like to say?

Be expecting something fun, hilarious, and a great ride.

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Posted 12/27/2010 at 5:39 PM on Xanga