Why “You’re Next” couldn’t happen to my family (s)

There’s always one thing with horror movies I always keep asking myself: “Why doesn’t at least one of them have a gun???” I’m not talking about the killers, I’m talking about the victims. For me, it’s a complete oddity at least one person in a group doesn’t have a gun either with them or quick access. It just doesn’t make sense. Someone aught to have a gun. Then I remember the movies were made by liberal idiots who think people don’t have a right to effective self defense. I mean, every character does what the anti-gun people say to do, and they all die at the hands of a guy with a fucking axe or crossbow. Yeah…fuck you morons. Moving on.

So I was flipping through the craptastic list Netflix currently has and I noticed “You’re Next”. I didn’t know anything about this movie going in except what I read on the synopsis…and we all know how useful and accurate Netflix makes those… I like a good horror movie, but this isn’t one of them. I’m not going to give a huge review here, don’t worry.

Basically, a family is having a get together, three guys start killing them, and they all die. During the entire thing, not one person has a gun. Oh, sure, they use meat tenderizers (I’m not kidding you) and a few kitchen knives to defend themselves, but everyone except for some chick who grew up in a “survivalist camp” (Why didn’t she have a gun???) dies.

I can’t speak for most families, but mine actually likes each other. Well, minus my wife’s side of the family who all but threw her out for marrying me and they don’t talk to us nor anyone in my family (No in-laws FTW!!!!). Even with my parents divorced and remarried, both sides of the family regularly get together and have fun. While you may think that’s odd, I find it odd other families get together just to fight during the holidays, resulting in more hatred toward each other.

Another thing about my family is just about everyone is armed. I’m armed, my uncles are armed, many of my aunts are armed, my cousins are armed, my wife is armed, my father is armed… The nieces and nephews are too young to carry themselves, that’s why they aren’t. There’s no way you could pull off the bullshit I saw in this, and many other, movie with us. One wrong move against us and the result Swiss human cheese. Here’s just a small example of what my family get togethers would look like if someone came in while we were dining together:

This is not an exaggeration, either. Now that many of us are in Colorado, even some of my British relatives will open carry when they get here. Hell, I even got married while my wife and I were wearing our guns. Her gun is up on her leg. Sexy, sexy. So even at our wedding, if someone decided to be a tard, they would have ended up having a very terrible day. Wouldn’t you want that for someone trying to hurt you and/or your family? For them to have the understated bad day of their life?

We aren’t gun nuts or even gun enthusiasts. If the amount of firearms I have makes me a gun nut, then you’re a towel nut and are obsessed with towels. I can promise anyone reading this has more towels in their house than I do firearms in mine. We enjoy shooting, we enjoy hunting, and we like the equalizing power it provides to everyone who wouldn’t be able to defend themselves otherwise. Sure it may be a tool, but it’s a bad ass and fun tool. If I’m a gun enthusiast, then you’re a couch enthusiast. You probably know more about your couch than I do about different guns between brands.

So, no, “You’re Next” couldn’t happen to me and my family. The first sign of some dumbass coming through a window would have resulted in them turning into ground hamburger. Or ground turkey for you low fat people. The movie isn’t bad, it’s just not the realistic horrorfest they billed it to be.

Things ruined by you people on the Internet

There are some really awesome things which have been ruined by all of you people out here on the Internet. Genuinely awesome things completely ruined. Every time you dipshits get a hold of something, you blast it up all over the Internet to the point of it becoming the most overused, annoying bullshit in the world.

Since you brain dead ‘tards like lists so you don’t have to think, here’s a list of 5 things ruined by you people on the Internet! (No particular order)

1. Bacon
Bacon rules, but you jackasses ruined it. Now everywhere you go on the Internet, someone has something posted up about god damn bacon and how it’s the best shit in the world. I mean, look at the irony here! I’m talking about how great bacon is while bitching about how you ruined it, while making references to how everyone has to post something about fucking bacon! Someone call the god damn irony police, because there’s a felony here!

There are TV shows about bacon, websites about bacon (most of which aren’t created by the actual manufacturer of the bacon itself), entire Internet memes about bacon, and even bacon costumes for pets. I know what you’re thinking…”But bacon IS awesome!” Yes, but now that it’s become a god damn Internet meme which refuses to die, I don’t even order it when I’m dining out anymore. Hell, there’s even a fucking Qdoba commercial talking about how their three cheese queso is better than bacon. It’s not. However, can’t blame them for bringing up the fact that bacon has been ruined. When someone asks me if I want bacon or sausage, I always tell them sausage. Why? Because bacon has been ruined thanks to you dipshits. Besides, you get more food when you order sausage.

2. Firearms
Firearms are the shit. They provide a great stress relief, a bonding opportunity for families, a means of collecting organic meats (do it yourself, you pussies), and self protection against psychotic assholes…most of which are you people out here on the Internet.

Guns don’t kill anyone. My pistol hasn’t killed anyone and I’ve had it since 1998, but you idiots sure seem to think they do. I have several older firearms which have never killed anyone as well. Guess it’s people killing people and not the firearms.

In addition to the dipshits out there who think that firearm laws are a magical kind of barrier (Connecticut mental health asshole who stole the guns from his mother took them onto school grounds, which is already against the law!!!!! WAKE THE FUCK UP!), there are all those idiots out there who post up firearm videos acting like…well…idiots. I’m not talking about people like FPS Russia, who has educational information and shows complete respect for the firearms he uses. I’m not talking about people posting up videos of them out target shooting, neither. Nope, I’m talking about the people who have videos up of them acting like they are in Call of Duty running around a target range, doing “combat rolls” and firing their weapons with no respect for the weapon nor others. You know the kind…many of you dipshits use it as examples of what gun owners are like. Guess what? Since the Internet is full of dipshits like you, the videos of some people with firearms are going to depict the same dipshits using firearms. It’s a ratio thing.

Want to take mine or other people’s firearms? Come and get them yourself, pussy. After all, you can throw a punch, right?

3. Midgets
Midgets used to be cool. There’s nothing like watching a midget do the “Lollipop Guild” dance in your backyard. Sorry, don’t have video of Matt Gogin doing that on my father’s 1/2 acre.

Now midgets are “protected”. When they aren’t being “protected”, they’re used ad nauseam in memes all over the Internet, or when someone is trying to troll. Trolling instantly ruins anything cool because everyone grasps it and decides to use it, too. Why? You guys are fucking dicks due to this. Now I can’t even admit I think midgets are cool because people talk about how “over midgets” they are!

Midgets were the first zombies. What do I mean by that? I mean midgets started popping up every where… Midgets were in forums, midgets were in video games, midgets were in movies, midgets were in books…the list goes on. They became so over used, there was a midget over saturation. There was a point when everyone was making suggestions to add midgets to everything, and people were getting fed up with it. Now it’s happening with zombies! You guys all suck. Kill yourselves.

4. Online Gaming
Now, to be fair, online gaming was ruined around the time of Quake Arena. Okay, okay, okay…that may have been the start of online gaming, but it was also the introduction into how terrible it was going to get in the future.

What’s really ruined online gaming is the introduction of online gaming to home consoles. The online community has been flooded with consoles given to spoiled little fuck ‘tards with a microphone. These are people who’s parents never beat the crap out of their child, no matter how bad they deserve it…and trust me, these kids need to be beat to shit.

The problem with many of these games is until recently there wasn’t a way to mute these dumb asses. Even when you can mute them, they still grief. When you grief them back, they scream, cry and then vote to kick you out…most of the time being successful because you’re the most effective person on a team. Remember, team work and skill are highly frowned upon when it comes to online gaming. No one likes someone who is actually good. They only like the people who talk as if they were good.

What needs to happen is someone needs to find these idiots, knock on their door, and destroy at least their headsets, if not burn their house to the ground. Don’t like that? Well, then don’t read a pseudo-comedy weblog.

5. Porn
Porn. thanks to porn on the Internet…well, let’s face it…it’s just been ruined. My sex life is more interesting than the porn on the Internet.

Well, there you have it! There are 5 things you people on the Internet have ruined. This is obviously not a full nor comprehensive list, but if you don’t get that, you’re one of the dipshits I’m talking about. Peace.

Posted 12/17/2012 at 4:18 PM on Xanga