If I see another person “dabbing” I’m breaking their testicles

Dabbing. It’s short for “I’m a fucking idiot”. I honestly don’t know how this whole thing got started and I’m not going to waste my time researching it. Why? Because I don’t give a damn how it started, but I’ll tell you how it is going to end: Me breaking their balls.

Not too long ago I finally managed to take a much needed vacation for almost a week. My wife and I spent four days and three nights at Disneyland. It was bad ass. However, I’m not here to talk about the trip in general. Why am I bringing it up? Have patience, little one, for a good story needs a good foundation and build up. Not everything can be handed to you snowflakes.

We had just enjoyed a nice trip through the tour in California Adventure with the sourdough when we decided to get a few pictures by the boardwalk themed section next to where you haul ass on California Screamin’. Blocking our way to taking the picture I wanted of my wife were urchins. Of course, by urchins I mean children. By children, I mean two 12 or 13 year old skeletons covered with skin who do nothing to aid in the progress of the species. The supposed mother of one of these bags of nothingness is encouraging their behavior of taking pointless pictures while blocking everyone’s paths up until one of them says he’s got “a great idea” for photo. What’s his great idea to hold us up with the greatest picture ever? It’s run over to the fake fishing net photo spot, kneel down, bounce up and do a dabbing pose. Yeah, because everyone can fucking see what you did by looking at a still photo, moron.

I wish I was kidding here. The woman took the picture THREE TIMES before they decided it would just be easier if he did the pose and held it while she took the picture. Just so you’re keeping count, two 12/13 year old boys and one woman in her 30’s is the brain power it took to figure this god damn shit out. I responded like any rational man: I grabbed her camera, toss him off the edge of the photo area and took his picture as he fell towards the track and was run over. I then headbutt the mother five times while simultaneously chopping the other one in the throat with the help of my wife who held him by the neck until he lost consciousness. After Security Guard Goofy informed us that was not acceptable and had us escorted out by Oswald Rabbit back into Disneyland, I realized I may have overreacted just a touch.

What I vow to do now is control myself and simply break the testicles of anyone stupid enough to be doing this. I’ve had critical success as of late with the technique as well. Anytime I’m in a club and I see someone doing this, it’s always some moron who thinks they are cool. Bam! One swift shot to the man eggs is all it takes to send a message I, and no one else, is going to put up with this bullshit.

Let’s face it, dabbing is the homosexual bastard with downs syndrome step-child no one actually loves of Tebowing. While Tebowing required a punch to the face, this more dramatic cure is required for something as stupid as dabbing. Putting your arms into a pose like you have cerebral palsy while simultaneously looking like you’re sniffing your own armpit is a sure fire way to signal you deserve what’s coming you way. BAM! Kick to the balls!

Remember, I could be anywhere. Do you really want to risk this? I didn’t think so. Even if I don’t, I’m sure I’ve encouraged someone, or maybe even an entire neighborhood, to just start dick kicking people they see dabbing. The cause is true. The cause is noble. The cause is everywhere. BAM! TESTICLE EXPLOSION!

This could be you. I will make it you. Don’t dab. The more you know!

FINALLY BANNED IN AN ENTIRE COUNTRY! (s)(t)

OH HAPPY DAYS! I got an e-mail from the WordPress admin staff!

SUBJECT: [WordPress #2810472]: Important information regarding your WordPress.com blog
Sal P. – WordPress.com
Mon 8/29, 3:32 PM

 

Hello,

A Russian authority — the Federal Service for Supervision in the Sphere of Telecom, Information Technologies and Mass Communications (ROSKOMNADZOR) — has demanded that we disable the following content on your WordPress.com site:

https://sunrie.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/suicide-getting-it-right-the-first-time/

Unfortunately, we must comply in order to keep WordPress.com accessible for everyone in Russia. We have disabled this content only for Internet visitors originating from Russia. Visitors from other countries are not affected.

You and your readers may be interested in the following document for suggestions on bypassing Internet restrictions:
http://en.support.wordpress.com/bypassing-internet-restrictions/

For your reference, we have included a copy of the complaint below. No reply is necessary, but please let us know if you have any questions.

-– BEGIN NOTICE –-
Направляется уведомление о внесении в «Единый реестр доменных имен, указателей страниц сайтов в сети «Интернет» и сетевых адресов, позволяющих идентифицировать сайты в сети «Интернет», содержащие информацию, распространение которой в Российской Федерации запрещено» следующего(их) указателя (указателей) страницы (страниц) сайта в сети «Интернет»:https://sunrie.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/suicide-getting-it-right-the-first-time/ .

В случае непринятия провайдером хостинга и (или) владельцем сайта мер по удалению запрещенной информации и (или) ограничению доступа к сайту в сети «Интернет», будет принято решение о включении в единый реестр сетевого адреса, позволяющего идентифицировать сайт в сети «Интернет», содержащий информацию, распространение которой в Российской Федерации запрещено, а доступ к нему будет ограничен.

Сведения о включении доменных имен, указателей страниц сайтов сети «Интернет» и сетевых адресов доступны круглосуточно в сети «Интернет» по адресу http://eais.rkn.gov.ru .

С уважением,
ФЕДЕРАЛЬНАЯ СЛУЖБА ПО НАДЗОРУ В СФЕРЕ СВЯЗИ, ИНФОРМАЦИОННЫХ ТЕХНОЛОГИЙ И МАССОВЫХ КОММУНИКАЦИЙ.

It is notice of making an entry into the “Unified register of domain names, Internet web-site page links and network addresses enabling to identify the Internet web-sites containing the information prohibited for public distribution in the Russian Federation” the Internet web-site page (s) link (s): https://sunrie.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/suicide-getting-it-right-the-first-time/ .

In case the hosting provider and (or) the Internet web-site owner fail to take these measures, the network address enabling to identify Internet web-sites containing the information prohibited for distribution in the Russian Federation will be decided to be entered into the Register and access will be limited.

The information about entering the domain names, Internet web-site page links and network addresses into the Register shall be available on a 24-hour basis at the following Internet address: http://eais.rkn.gov.ru/en/ .

Federal Service for Supervision in the Sphere of Telecom, Information Technologies and Mass Communications (ROSKOMNADZOR).
–- END NOTICE –-

Regards,

Sal P. | Community Guardian | WordPress.com

I’m so fucking happy I could cry! So…guess I’m back to writing whatever, whenever, instead of just trying to be shocking for a specific reason. YAY!!!

Domestic Violence – Cure Has Been Found!

This is great! Like two scoops or raisins!
The greatest news from specialists at the “Mayo Labs” has been released yesterday, and we’re glad to be one of the first people to bring it to you, thanks to use completely disregarding our NDA!

Since the beginning of time, or rather 1994 in America, we’ve been doing everything we can to end domestic violence by calling attention to it with special laws. We’ve originally believed the issue was deep routed psychological issues, or even a learned behavior from previous generations. All the research in the world didn’t seem to help. That is until now! What is this miracle cure which is guaranteed to stop any and all domestic violence? Here it is:

Shut the Fuck Up!

Yep. That’s it! Think about how simple an instruction this is. You’d think everything would be much more complicated, but the facts prove it really isn’t. Checking with current and former domestic violence victims we can see everything stems from not just keeping their mouth shut unless asked directly for a response…and even then it might be better to just shut up.

The Core Principle
At its core the principle is simple and yet complicated. As human beings, we’re conditioned to speak with others and even provide responses. Those of us who have been wronged are often found trying to find defense with our words. This faulted evolutionary trait must be fought and controlled if we are to continue to evolve as a species while also ending domestic violence.

Imagine this scenario:
Your husband/boyfriend/brother/guy friend comes home and he’s already in a bad mood. He has a history of knocking in your teeth for being a “disrespectful bitch” and he is expecting, not only a nice dinner, but a deep vacuum of the entire place. You managed to get a 100% perfect job on vacuuming the carpet, but the broccoli is slightly cold in the middle, meaning you didn’t cook it well enough.

Man – “What the fuck is this?!”
You – “Dinner…”
Man – “No! THIS IS SHIT! It’s FROZEN in the middle!”
You – “I did it the way…”

Suddenly he jumps across the table and punches your stupid face into the ground.

This was your fault. You didn’t keep your mouth shut! You shouldn’t have said anything.

Now let’s look at how you should have handled the same situation, but keeping your mouth shut:

Man – “What the fuck is this?!”
You – “…”
Man – “You fucking IGNORING ME?!”
You – “…”
Man – “YOU DISRESPECTFUL BITCH!”

Suddenly he jumps across the table, grabs you by the throat for a second and then stops sighing.

Man – “At least you did the fucking vacuuming! I’m going out for dinner. Eat your shit or starve!”

He then leaves, bangs a random bar slut, gets an STD, and then fucks your brains out later that night to assert his dominance. You are in a much better position this time!

Psychology of the Cure
The only psychology involved is your own. Keeping your mouth shut takes tremendous mental strength. By doing exercises such as no longer speaking to friends and family nor communicating with anyone at all, you can eventually learn to keep your mouth shut unless specifically asked to respond. Even when asked to respond, you should know exactly what is expected of you. This can take years, so getting out of the relationship just because you’re weak is ill advised.

Testimonials from the Participants
We’ve acquired some testimonials from participants of the original study for your reading pleasure. You’ll see the subject’s names and read their experience with it all, including how long it lasted before hand.


Name: Sarah McKennis
Nationality: Irish
Current Residence: Missouri
Results According to Subject:
My husband, Mitchell, was one of the hardest hitters I had ever been with. He would beat me until I would fall unconscious constantly. No matter what the conversation was about, it would end with me getting slugged in the face like it was there for visible punctuation. The exclamation marks were his favorite. His cock though…oh my god! It’s the biggest reason I didn’t leave him, and besides, I’m a strong woman and not a quitter.

When I heard of this study I told Mitchell. “GOOD!” he told me and busted my face open so deeply I ended up with six staples across my face from biting a hole in my own face. I didn’t even wait for my mistake to heal and went straight to the study.

How are things now? Well, I’ve learned to keep my mouth closed and only speak when I should be replying. As for why I’m in this hospital bed giving my evaluation…well…I forgot to check attitude at the door when he made a comment about feeling old. Rule number one is to shut the fuck up, and I didn’t. I told him it’s okay if he gets old and I still love him. My mistake! However, the study still stands and I give it a 100%


Name: Timmy Ashford
Nationality: American
Current Residence: New Mexico
Results According to Subject:
Stephen is my step-dad. Well, he’s my step-dad in the sense he’s always having sex with my mother, lives with us, eats all our food, drinks all day, refuses to marry my mom and give me a father in a proper family setting, all the while beating my ass raw. I used to be a bad kid, but now I know my place. I no longer make the same mistakes as so many of my friends do. He even lets me call him Stephen now and not “Master”.

What started me in the trial is when Stephen had been asking me to clean my room five or six times in a single day. Like I said, I was a bad kid in those days, and refused to do anything he said because I was angry at him for just being around. So, after the fifth or sixth time of him screaming for me to clean up my room, I yelled back, “FUCK YOU STEPHEN! You’re not even my real dad!” You can imagine the three hour beating with a belt, a hot curling iron, and his fists. He got so tired my mother even had to take over beating me when he broke his hands on my ass!

My mommy had enough of my attitude and couldn’t take the stress anymore, just knowing I would continue to make Stephen mad, so she looked through the papers on where she could take me. She stumbled upon the trial and enrolled me right away. I got time away from Stephen and learned to keep my mouth shut for my own good!

A+ program and I highly suggest all other bad kids, which is all kids, to enroll!


Name: Tiffany-Sage Haddler
Nationality: British
Current Residence: Idaho
Results According to Subject:
My mummy always wants me to wear bright colours and act as a lady, but I just didn’t like it all too much. Mummy does know what is best, but in my silly head I could just not see that as a fact and I acted up just like all these spoiled American brats. No longer do I, however!

I would talk back to my mummy and ask her what she knew, and the result would be immediate and severe slaps among my face and fanny. She would constantly ask me how I would ever expect to please a husband if I spoke back all the time. My daft reasoning was that I did not want to be a stay at home mummy like mummy, who earned money by bringing in strange men and making me watch so they would both pay more and finish faster. Oh, what a sod I was!

Thanks to this program, I now know a proper woman is seen and not heard. She does exactly that and more. The more is what my mummy teaches me. I now have the skills and education early enough to carry me throughout my adult life in order to become a proper lady of the house!

I will raise many cups of tea in the honour of this program!


Name: Julian Nielson
Nationality: Ameri-queer
Current Residence: Gay Bay
Results According to Subject:
Mmmm…my name is Julian, but call me Sally RoughRider! I love long walks on the beach, blonds, and butt sex! Tee hee!!!! I know this isn’t a dating service, you giggly gooses!

My life partner, Bruce, who I always call “OH damn! THAT MAN!!!!” in a loving way, used to break a foot off in my ass, and I don’t mean in a fun gay way. Oh no. He’d kick the shit out of me almost every time I opened my whore mouth. That was the problem, you see, since as a gay man I don’t know when to shut up. It’s just genetics, and you can’t fight genetics, but you can control your nasty habits like talking all the time.

The last straw was when Bruce came home drunk and stinking of both strange men and vagina. Trust me, you can tell the difference in that smell! Well, once again I opened my stupid whore mouth and he beat me to the point of needing medical treatment for damn near a month. While laying out in the hospital, he was reading me the obituaries to remind me I could end up in there, when I caught a glimpse of this trial and knew I needed help.

Now I only open my mouth to suck dick! Great improvement! Much love!

I ♥ (‿|‿)!


There you have it, everyone! Keep your fucking mouth shut if you don’t want to get your ass beat by your significant other. Doesn’t just work for normal people and women: It’s obviously great for gays and children, too!

Know your place!

Breast Cancer: Nature’s Lolcat

Breast Cancer is Nature's Lol Cat 1
Breast Cancer is Nature’s Lolcat

…according to the Susan B. Colmen Foundation, anyway. If you’re confused to what a lolcat is, it’s a meme in which an image macro of one or more cats has text that is idiosyncratic and grammatically shit. They’re also considered the number one most hilarious jokes ever created on the Internet, standing the tried and true test of time. Even ancient Egyptians had lolcats, going so far as to paint the walls of the pyramids with them in their resting chambers.

So, how does this all tie in? Well, breast cancer is pretty terrible and even ancient Egyptians dealt with it. In addition, breast cancer isn’t all that smart, just like cats, and even has pretty bad grammar. Nature throws breast cancer out, and it’s always a massively hilarious shock when you find out you have it. Especially when you’re a guy and get titty sickness! Oh, and let’s not forget cats get breast cancer, too. The joke keeps getting funnier!

The Susan B. Coleman Foundation every year recognizes the most hilarious breast cancer situations from around the world. They give out awards, called “Double D Dones”, to a handful of sufferers, with some of the most coveted trophies ever created. The Double D Dones go back to 1992 when the foundation first started the award ceremony. Thanks to advancement in the medical field women who receive the Double D Dones can actually get double d breasts back. One of the benefits of receiving the award is free breast augmentations. The best thing about the procedures is the breasts are completely fake, so the chance for cancer to take them again are almost zero.

Flat tittiesJust like every hilarious joke, the meme of breast cancer comedy jams has taken the world by storm. One would think there would be some negative backlash, but ever since the origin of the Internet, the meme of breast cancer comedy jams have been around. This completely predates Hampster Dance and even Nigger Chucking, the latter of which has fallen out of favor for Darkie Spear Dancing. With one search anyone can find a new breast cancer comedy jam almost every day!

Sadly, science is working on a 100% cure for breast cancer and they are getting extremely close. Right now there is a drug called tamoxifen being produced to prevent breast cancer with an 86% success rate. Obviously, this isn’t a popular outcome and people have been protesting in record numbers. The Susan B. Coleman Foundations has put up millions of dollars to prevent this terrible drug from coming to the masses, even going as far as suing doctors who give it to patients.

You can get involved in this protest and save the free augmented breasts by heading over to the Susan B. Coleman Foundation website and, the slightly less popular, Tat-tas for Da Wurld! website. Together we can keep breast cancer from becoming a legend, then a myth, and finally a religious justification to start a war!


What the shit do I have to do? (s)

So, it’s come to my attention several websites are blocked through network organizations such as Maraki or Apple stores for different reasons. One of these reasons is the classification of “Tasteless”. Some of these sites might be somewhat understandable, such as Ogrish, even if you don’t agree, but then there are others, such as Newgrounds, which don’t seem to fit. This brings me to my problem: Why the fuck am I not on there?

From what I can tell, there isn’t much difference between my writings and what are on most of those sites, especially the like of Something Awful or even Maddox. Sure you might argue the popularity or even writing style, but I swear I’ve stated some much more offensive things for the only reason of shocking someone. I’m kind of offended through all of my effort I haven’t been blocked on any of these filters yet. Hell, even in High School I had my Internet privileges revoked for a site I made which was hosted on the school server. I mean, I was still able to bypass all their security measures and use the Internet at school under a general user and password, but still.

Basically my goal has become this: By the end of the year, I want to be banned from viewing my own WordPress at work and/or on other networks, such as in an Apple store or even from Maraki in general.

This is going to take work. First of all, I won’t be displaying porn or dick picks. Secondly, it’s going to take writing a lot more often and a lot more “offensively”. Third…I don’t know… Fourth is profit in the discontent I have brought upon the world. You kids would do well to remember you measure your impact on the world not by the joy you bring to a few people in your life, but the amount of pain, anguish, and displeasure you have wrought upon a great number of people through both direct and indirect actions!

If I fail, then you all fail, because this is where you all come in. You’re going to need to spread this WordPress like SARS in a Japanese apartment building or AIDs in a San Francisco bakery. (There. That right there is what I was talking about earlier!) Let’s get on my dick to ride this bitch into the sun and take out the entire solar system. I’d say I’m counting on you, but I know I can only count on myself.

Forward. To the end of the world as I braise it in holy fire!

Open letter from Rockstar Games marketing department

As an avid game journalist with one of the highest integrity ratings around, I was privy to receive an open letter to the gaming community from Rockstar Games, written by Take-Two Interactive’s marketing department. While the contents may shock some people, I’m not surprised with the attitude.

Rockstar Games was founded in 1998 to create the most innovative and progressive interactive entertainment, and some people have found ways of cheating in order to ruin the game for everyone else in a server…But it doesn’t matter, because our games are on the cover of multiple magazines and posters. Look how cool our characters from Grand Theft Auto V look holding those guns while surrounded by expensive cars. If you play our game online and give us more real money to afford our expensive virtual items, you’ll be that cool, too. And chicks will dig you.

At Rockstar Games, we allowed you to go online with a bunch of people, just like a bunch of other companies have done, dating back to 1996. However, ours is better, because we charge you astronomical prices for in game items in order to make you buy our Shark Cards. Because you suck, and we hate you.

You gave us $1.8 billion US in three days for Grand Theft Auto V. It may have been buggy, it still doesn’t include half the features we promised, and most of you can’t afford our in game items, but that’s your fault. If you were real fans and real gamers, you would love everything we’ve done to the game and to you. Once again, look at those new items we released in the Flight School update. You know you want those items. If you were a real gamer and a real fan, you would have enough money from grinding every hour of every day, only playing our game, or you’d buy our Shark Cards for $50 US a piece until you could afford it. And by the way, check out those cuts to the jobs we did for doing them fast and efficiently instead of wasting time. If you were really a true gamer and fan, you wouldn’t mind it. Plus, we interviewed 100 people and they all like it without complaining. Real fans would lick our boots clean, give us their entire paycheck, and tell everyone to do the same. If you don’t like it, that’s because you’re not a true fan nor gamer.

By the way, our expensive in game items like the Milijet and Buzzard Attack Chopper, are the bestest things ever, and totally worth the asinine scalped prices, but note that any other company which does this with their games, like Capcom, are commie jerks. Not that it matters, because you bought our game and we want more money from you. Because you suck, and we hate you, but you know you’ll keep coming back, eventually breaking down and buying our Shark Cards. We can continue to beat you down like Chris Brown does to Rhianna, but you’ll come back…you always do.

Buy more Shark Cards or we’ll keep removing your ability to earn money effectively in the game.

Sincerely

Take-Two Interactive Marketing Department by care of Rockstar Games. Because you suck. And we hate you.

Fuck you, Google (s) – Scary stuff!!!!!! (rage)

Do you people read your agreements when allowing an update? Yeah, I know most of you don’t. I wager 99% of people don’t. Most of the time I don’t, either, but when so much attention is given to a company with how in bed they are with the Federal Government, I pay more attention. Today we’re looking at Google.

At this time, I have an android based phone, which is a favorite of Google. Almost every application on my phone requires Google in one way or another. From the Play Store (application download area) to even just watching YouTube on the phone, I need to have Google activated. Well, fuck you, Google, it’s not going to happen. Why? Well, here’s what you allow Google to do with your phone when you allow access to their services. All of the things I am listing is 100% true and I am getting off of my phone since Google won’t stop spam fucking me with “You need to turn this on!” to use my phone. I’ve finally hacked around it.

Be afraid. Be very, very afraid!


Permissions
This app can access the following data on your device. To improve performance and reduce memory usage, these permissions are available to (Insert Google service) services because it runs the same process as Google Bookmarks Sync, Google Contacts Sync, Google Backup Transport, Google Services Framework and Google Account Manager:

1. Read phone status and identity
—Yes, you grant them the ability to monitor who you are calling, how long, what the status of the connection is, and even monitor your phone conversation as it happens live. Remember, they aren’t your service provider, it’s just Google monitoring you so they can provide information to the NSA.

2. Read instant messages / Write instant messages
—So, not only can they now listen in to and monitor your phone calls, they also have the right to the same information with your text messages. In addition, they can send out texts using your account to anyone on your contact list.

3. Take pictures and videos
—Here you are granting them full rights and access to your camera to use at any time. Think they can’t do it? You’re wrong. They have the ability to do so with your phone since you have it linked to your Google account. They know what phone you have and, from what you’ll see, know exactly where you are when you’re walking around with it.

4. Record audio
—So, not only can they access your camera, they can actively monitor what is being said around you, even outside of a phone call! This allows them to even more discreetly spy on you.

5. Approximate location (network-based) / Precise location (GPS and network-based)
—Yep, you let them know exactly where you are at any time. If your GPS isn’t enabled on android based phones, you can’t even use your weather programs like you could in the past. There is no reason for this to be here.

It only gets more fucked up from here!

6. Modify your contacts / Read your contacts / Read your social stream / Write to your social stream
—Not only can they now know who is listed on your phone, but you give them the right to add, delete and otherwise change those contacts. Think the NSA doesn’t just love this? Also, anything you use in association with your phone, be it Facebook, Twitter, or what-have-you, they can now go in and alter it however they see fit.

7. Activity recognition / Modify your own contact card / Read your own contact card
—Here you are giving them the ability to monitor ANY activity to your phone and give them the right to alter your “contact card” (how other phones associate with you)!

8. Read your web bookmarks and history / Write web bookmarks and history
—Anything you do online through the search program on your phone, you give them the right to track and change. Think this can’t be used for evil? Yeah, prove you aren’t visiting certain sites since they can now change your bookmarks and history however they want. This is how an NSA wet dream starts.

9. Modify or delete the contents of your USB storage / Read the contents of your USB storage
—Holy fucking shit!!!!! Think this isn’t bad? Ever hook up your phone to your computer? Guess what? That computer is recognized as USB storage by the phone! Whenever your computer is hooked up and the phone is on, you are giving Google, and whoever they grant the access to, the right to check out everything on that computer! On top of that, they can add or delete anything on there they don’t like! I’m sure Google wouldn’t mind altering all your searches to default on Google and any government agency is stroking themselves to the thought of being able to check out your computer without a warrant since you’re giving consent to it!

As if the previous stuff wasn’t scary enough!

10. Add or remove accounts / Contacts data in Google accounts / Create accounts and set passwords / Find accounts on the device / Google mail / Read Google service configuration / Use accounts on the device / View configured accounts / YouTube / YouTube usernames
—Yep…any account you have on your device they can change. It doesn’t matter what kind, they can do it.

11. Modify secure system settings / Read sensitive log data / Retrieve system internal state
—There is absolutely no reason for Google to have the right to any of this. If you have anything with Google activated, they can go into your phone, make deep root changes to anything they see fit. Trying to encrypt something on your phone? Well, Google has the right to unencrypted it and then block it. Your phone usage and past history? Yep, they have access to that. Simply turned Google services off? Yep, they can turn it back on. They are also allowed now to see if the phone is on, off, charging, draining, hooked up to a USB, sleeping, reseting, turning off, turning on, and when all the times you did that are.

Think your WiFi is safe? Try again!

12. Change network connectivity / Connect and disconnect from Wi-Fi / Download files without notification / Full network access / Receive data from Internet / View network connections / View Wi-Fi connections
—Are you kidding me?! So Google would have the right to disconnect me from my WiFi, bug my phone, monitor and use the network I am connected to, monitor any and all data being used on that network, see who else is connected to that WiFi and check what other WiFi connections would be possible? FUCK YOU!!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!! There is no reason you need this!

13. Access Bluetooth settings / Pair with Bluetooth devices
—Aaaaaaand now you’re allowing them to monitor any Bluetooth device in the area and even connect to it! Yes, this means other phones as well!

14. Make app always run / Run at startup
—So, they can not only bug your phone and use it to monitor your entire life, but they can make it so you can NEVER turn it off and it will always run at the startup. Fuck you, Google.

15. Draw over other apps
—You also allow them to make it so an app always runs on top of your phone, which is a way for them to block access to anything else on your phone. Bitchin’.

16. Control vibration / Prevent phone from sleeping
—Oh, so now the phone won’t go into sleep and will always be lit up, which helps prevent applications from turning off? Awesome.

And the fucked up continues!

17. Read sync settings / Read sync statistics / Toggle sync on and off
—-Have Yahoo! programs running? Are you running a different mail program than Gmail? Yep, they can shut that down, check the status of it, and use it to their advantage.

18. Interact across users / Modify system settings / Read subscribed feeds / Retrieve app ops statistics / Send sticky broadcast / Write subscribed feeds
—Oh, and here’s even more “fuck you” to the user. So, you have a feed on Twitter? They can read it and write to it. Have other people on your phone or in your phone plan? Well, they can now monitor them, too. The biggest, “Oh fuck, me!” of this, however, is the fact they can change your system settings. At any time they can go in and change your phone to be whatever they want.


There you have it. Google wants to track your every, precise god damn moment around that phone. Don’t forget, they’re in bed with the NSA and are more than happy to turn over any and all information to them (Google on Offensive over NSA scandal). If you think they’re standing with the people, you’re a fucking idiot.

What you need to do is disable and delete anything associated with Google and KNOX on your android device. If you don’t, then the consequence is on you.

How people are finding my entries (s)


Okay, people, seriously…what the fuck? I really like people finding my writings and reading them, but some of the search terms used to find me are pretty horrific. So, what I’m going to do for everyone is list some of the most “Dude, seriously?” of them here. All search strings are copypasta as they appeared with no editing!

Oh, and any link found on this entry will open to a new window so you can continue to read, while also referencing what I’m talking about.


shaving instant abs
What? Seriously? I guess this has to do with my Incredible Life Hacks entry in which I mention “great looking abs for wookies” and tell people to just shave abs into their fur. Still…why was someone looking this up?
 
 
confused monkey
How in the hell did I come up in a search with that string? Also, how deep must I be in those returned results to find me? Except for this page, I don’t think those two words appear directly next to each other in any of my entries…
 
 
guy who climbed a mountain with a t-bar
*laughing* Whaaaaat? Who the hell thought to look this up and what led them to think of it? I mean…I honestly don’t even know why someone would want to try to climb a mountain with a god damn t-bar…
 
 
i pray for a zombie apocolypse every day
Not only is apocalypse spelled wrong, the fact anyone is praying for it to happen every day is a little disturbing. I’m a fan of unrelenting carnage as much as the next sociopath, but come on…
 
 
mk 9 true skill
There is nothing on my sight to give you “true skill” in Mortal Kombat (9). Like, at all. I do have the fake tournament rules I did as a joke, but if you take any of that seriously, well, you’re a dumbass.
 
 
ejaculating into the ear
What the hell is wrong with you people?! Still…this is a new one for me! That means it’s time for a party:

 
 
well here goes nothin’
Huh? Is this like one of those “I Feel Lucky” things from Google? Nope, this is an actual search string used to locate my writings. Where this leads to and why I haven’t a single idea….at least it got people here, right?
 
 
when a guy says i don’t have to lie to you
While most of my writing is tongue in cheek, there is a bit of truth in everything I write. How I present the truth to people, however, is a terrible way to receive advice. This place is a writing site of satire and fun…not a real advice column, regardless of how the entry reads. So, to find this site using that search string…well…you’re better off just hitting the bottle and smiling, then tell him, “Well, I thought that was the best way to solve the issue!”

The truth is, though, if a guy says you don’t have to lie to him, then just fucking don’t lie. Stop lying, god damn it.
 
 
felicia day the other
*blink blink* Uh…huh..? I know I did the entry Who I Will Donkey Punch and Why, which had Felicia Day as one of the women, but this search string doesn’t make a lick of sense.
 
 
i was fucking myself using a broom does that mean im not a virgin anymore
I’m honestly at a loss of words…
 
 
 
fats food job to hard
Aww, is the little bitch finding working in “fats” food “to” hard? FYI, it’s “fast” and “too”, you fucking illiterate little shit. Given you feel working in the fast food industry is too hard and you can’t even use the correct word (fast, too), being in fast food is all you’re going to be experiencing. Don’t worry…four or five fast food jobs should be enough to scrape by while taking care of three kids with two separate women while living in your mother’s basement. Obama will come to your rescue.
 
 
vampire withstand daylight for at least 12hrs
Dick off, Cullen.
 
 
can i return something at macy’s i’ve worn
This may have to do with my Actual Customer Complaints (s) entry. That entry has to do with idiot customers…and this search string is probably done by a few of them.

Here’s a tip: Don’t buy something you don’t want or haven’t tried on…and this won’t be a problem!
 
 
sexyass site:wordpress.com/2013/06
It’s hard to argue my site is and does has a sexy ass. Still, I can’t figure out why someone was looking this up nor why it got them to my site. Then again, as I said, this site, and me included, does have a sexy ass!
 
 
what does it mean when someone screams at you that you ruined them
Once again, any advice you receive from this site isn’t really advice… Still, if you’re asking this question, you must be horribly brain dead. Generally in the moments preceding the statement you ruined them, the reason was talked about…and if it wasn’t, then the reason is going to be stated immediately following that you ruined them.
 
 
god created sex people ruined it
Once again: WHY?! I have never discussed this in any of my writings. There is nothing about my sex life at all, but rest assured, I’m awesome.
 
 
elyse levesque armpits
Da fuq?
 
 
if i dont call or text will he become reinterested/
I know how this found the site. It’s due to the entry called Just Because I Don’t Call You in Four Days…. I just think it’s funny someone was actually considering this and found my site in regards to it.
 
 
sexting per minute services
Really? You really needed this?
 
 
what does a jack of spades tattoo mean on a man
How come this is even a question? Does it have to mean anything? There’s some bullshit about the Queen of Spades and even the Ace of Spades, but it’s mostly bullshit.
 
 
disable pussies
Aside from three to seven days a month, why would you want to disable pussies? Pussies are awesome. I, myself, am quite a vagitarian. I even have an appropriate bib…kinda like a lobster bib, but with a picture of a naked chick spreading her legs.
 
 
hot one blowing a donkey
What is…I don’t even…
 
 
werewolves bang hot vsmpire chick
…good lord…
 
 
when you sneeze on your period meme
*sigh* Does this actually have to be a meme…and why does this link to my writings?
 
 
dirty sexy sweaty bestiality stories
Once again…the fuck, people?!
 
 
little pussy woman
o_0


Well…there’s the most screwed up search strings which have found my writings. You people need help…and I need a shower…

Ten lies employers and bosses will tell you


Getting a job sucks. I don’t mean having to work, I mean finding a job you think will prevent you from wanting to commit suicide every single day. The worst part of a job, aside from dealing with a myriad asshats on a daily basis, is going to be your boss. During your application process, you will undoubtedly have an interview with someone who will be your boss. They’re going to lie to you.

There are a lot of sites out there with a list of things employers will tell you when looking for a job. Those lists aren’t things which surprise anyone, so they’re mostly useless. Much like most people. What people need is a post of things your future boss will say to you during the hiring process which are full of absolute shit. Much like what your boss will be. Lucky for you, I have just such a list!


1. I can definitely work around your school schedule
100% absolute bullshit. Your employer isn’t hiring someone they need to work around, they are hiring someone to fill a position with specific requirements. The only way you’ll get hired is if you are close to the end of your semester and they only have to work around you for a few weeks to a month at most. After that, you can go ahead and turn in your updated schedule, but don’t expect for your boss to actually listen.

What is going to happen is you’ll be berated, belittled, and have your hours cut back so much it will be pointless for you to continue working there. Your boss was only willing to work around you when they thought you were going to be doing the same schedule until the end of time and/or you were going to be finished some time soon. Most bosses are stupid. They rise to their level of incompetence and that level is above you. There are exceptions to this rule, but they are far and few between.

No one wants to work around you when you are supposed to be helping with work.


2. I’m hiring you because you are the kind of person I can trust to let me know when I’m wrong
Oh, hell no. This should send up as many red flags you’ll be getting fucked in the ass against your will every ten minutes as a blind date with Robin Thicke. No one hires people to tell them they’re wrong. Your boss isn’t interested in new ways of doing things. They are interested in you doing what they say to do and usually only how they said to do it.

Who likes to be told they’re wrong? No one and your boss is no different. They may not rip you a new asshole right then and there, but your life is about to be made a living nightmare.


3. I’m looking forward to you providing new and interesting ideas
You have ideas? What will happen is you will come in with all these ideas, thinking this is what they want, and everything you come up with will instantly be ignored. Sure, they might “oooh” and “awe” over it, but things will never be implemented. Should your boss actually like your idea, don’t expect any kind of credit. Why would you get credit when they have to make it seem they should stay in their position while you are kept in yours?


4. I’m looking for someone who can become the next manager for the company
Managers are terrified of anyone who can do the job well because it makes them look even worse. Remember that people rise to their level of incompetency, and when you come across as competent, you will never advance. Never excel and you’ll exceed expectations.

When someone says they are looking for the next manager, what they mean is someone who does only what the policy says and things which are in no way company policy but they or the district manager says. District managers are even worse than a store manager in terms of being worthless, so keep that in mind. If you’re seen as someone who could possibly rise through hard work, dedication, and the real ability to do the job, you’re going to get fired.

No one wants someone to work for them who is better at the job all around.


5. I need someone who is a self starter and I don’t have to micromanage them
For most bosses, they love to micromanage. They’ll be on your butt ten times every minute about getting something done, only to pull you off of it and make you do something else. Lather, rinse, repeat…always repeat. I don’t get why…from the way I see it, they don’t have enough to do. Maybe it’s because they’re so incompetent they automatically assume everyone else is as well. If they couldn’t figure out how to do it without a rod up their ass, then you obviously can’t either.

As far as the “self starter” goes, you will never, ever, ever, never self start what they want you to do. No matter how important something seems or how badly something needs to be cleaned, the priority for your boss is different. Self starting means starting what the boss told you to do and not what you think you should do. You’ll always get in trouble for self starting something.


6. We all get along and like to have fun
*laughing uncontrollably* Okay…okay…*deep breath*…I’m…okay…*laughs uncontrollably again for the next fifteen minutes straight*

Phew…now that’s out of my system, let’s discuss this.

Your boss hates it when everyone gets along. Why? Because it’s easier for everyone to gang up against them and complain to the people who can do something about them. “Getting along” at the work site is not the same as getting along with people outside of it. When you’re told “…see people get along…” what they mean is you can work next to each other, saying as little as possible, not be actual friends inside nor, especially, outside of work, and not constantly ledge complaints against one another.

The moment people start to actually get along with each other, you can guarantee the next fake policy your boss comes up with is no one is supposed to be talking to each other while you work. Is it actually policy? Fuck no, but it’s a way of having power over everyone and making sure no one can get together against them. A group of people who get along is dangerous to them.

Having fun? Yeah, having fun means just doing your job, not making jokes, not complaining, and not talking to your co-workers outside of asking business related questions. Sometimes fun might include a pot luck or a pizza, but never laughing, smiling, or actually getting along. If you’re having fun, you obviously aren’t working hard enough and you’ll be punished with it by having more work given to you.


7. We appreciate hard work and reward it
Let me state the obvious: BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

No one rewards your hard work and the only one who appreciates it is you. You’re expected to work hard, so there’s never a reward at the end of the murder tunnel. Even the bright light is stolen before you can even enjoy passing on. You’ll never reach Heaven and Hell is locked off to you. You’re stuck in that deep, dark, damp, murder tunnel until you turn mad and start helping destroying the souls of the next traveler.

Do you want to know what hard work actually is? It’s getting your work done just in time for it to be on time, and, most importantly, getting in as friends with your boss and their boss. That’s it…that’s hard work. You don’t have to be actually good at your current job to be rewarded. You just have to be in with the higher ups in order to get promoted to your level of incompetency, that way you can make everyone under you suffer. You’ll be their boss and you can pass all your work on to them while taking all the credit.

With me, it’s not too much different, except if you try to be my friend I’ll devour your soul without sending you into the murder tunnel. I hate fakers and can recognize talent. If I can reward you, then I will, but if not, then fuck off and keep doing your job.


8. We always have advancement opportunities
Do I really have to explain why this is bullshit? There are never advancement opportunities for the vast majority of employees regardless of ability unless they are in with the higher ups. Period


9. The salary is very competitive
Honestly, what this translates into is, “If you don’t like our offer, good luck somewhere else!” There is no competition when it comes to salary. The jobs all pay the same. If they offer you $12 an hour, the place down the street is going to offer you $12 an hour. Not one company is going to salary match, so don’t even bother. If the shop down the street wants to give you $22.50 when they’re offering $22.00, then go down the god damn street. Trust me, no one wants you to work for them that bad.

You aren’t going to get into a bidding war for your worthless ass. They’re going to hire someone who is willing to take the lower offer even if they aren’t going to be as good as you. Why? Because it’s cheaper for the company every paycheck. Why spend the money on talent when they can get cheap?


10. I’m a very laid back boss
When you hear this, the nuclear attack alarms should be going off in your brain. If you hear a female boss say this, your world is actually going to be filled with the biggest terrors you can’t even picture. Anyone who feels the need to say this is trying to put you into a false sense of security. Once you think everything is all good and calm, your boss will jump out of a closet while wielding dual kama, face painted in blood, a child’s severed head on his belt, while the lights flicker on and off and they scream, “NINJA!!!!!”

The kind of crazy exhibited with these kinds of bosses is on the high end of the bat-shit-crazy-scale. Generally they have random mood swings and are always (I do mean always) drinking a bottle of water. Often times you will see them routinely licking their lips like a crack fiend, too. Nothing good ever comes from that.

If you’re two minutes late, you’ll be screamed at. If you turn a project in a day early, they lose it, get in trouble, blame you, and you’ll be screamed at. They will forget you’re you and not the guy next to you, and you’ll be screamed at, then they’ll turn to the person they thought was you and calmly explain why something was wrong. In general, their attitude is this: Fuck you. Not everyone else, just you.


That should do it for now. Be expecting more entries as they are done. Yes, that makes sense, fuck you.

Redbox requests people no longer put sticky notes in their movies


Redbox, the insanely popular movie rental service, has noticed a trend they are not happy with and wants it to stop. Said trend is people putting sticky notes with messages into the movie boxes when returned. These notes have been ranging from quick movie reviews to very lewd messages. Predictably, Redbox has confiscated some of these messages and gave a few examples of them. Here’s a longer list of things found in Redbox movie cases:


Movie: A River Runs Through It
Message: I rented this while contagious


Movie: Disney’s Frost
Message: The stains on this DVD are not from a spilled Pepsi!


Movie: What to Expect When You’re Expecting
Message: It was not what I expected when I expected it…


Movie: Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Message: They spend so long making the porno, there isn’t enough time to actually show the porno they made! This is a total god damn rip off. Just return it immediately and get your dollar back!


Movie: Total Recall
Message: If people watched this masterpiece, there would be no wars


Movie: Thor: The Dark World
Message: Look, I’m not racist, but when it says “The Dark World” and only has one black person in the entire movie, I get upset. Yes, I’m black. Wanna fight about it?


Movie: Enders Game
Message: Your mother can change the world


Movie: Flight
Message: This was so good I punched my cat in the face!


Movie: The Butler
Message: Laurence Fishburn is one awesome house nigger African American


Movie: Despicable Me 2
Message: Turns out people CAN pick up things with their butt cheeks!


Movie: You’re Next
Message: The title is a warning…I am everywhere


Movie: Kick Ass 2
Message: Full frontal at 31m:42s! I think she’s still under age so it’s child porn, though…


Movie: Insidious Chapter 2
Message:Keep your religious force feeding out of Redbox!


Movie: Jobs
Message: If you think this is a documentary about the current unemployment crises, you’ll be disappointed. However, it was neat to see an actual snuff film in Redbox. Watching Steve Jobs, someone no one has heard of, slowly die of cancer is a film tour-de-force!


Movie: R.I.P.D
Message: Turns out I can carry 29 of these without using my hands


Movie: Pacific Rim
Message: Those brown markings aren’t from Hersey’s bars!


Movie: The Purge
Message: I like turtles…I mean…REALLY like turtles


Movie: Barbie and Her Sisters In A Pony Tale
Message: Sorry…I was really high when I rented this, so my tongue left a lot of streaks on the underside of the DVD. My bad, my bad


Movie: Girl Most Likely
Message: Honestly, I still have my doubts…


Movie: The 40 Year Old Virgin (Unrated)
Message: Save your soul. Buy bonds!


Movie: The Black Dhalia
Message: Where can I get hetero-genized milk so I don’t turn gay?


Movie: After Earth
Message: About two years ago I met this woman. She was amazing: Big boobs, toned ass, hour glass body, perfect lips, shining eyes, flowing hair, exceptional personality, great sense of humor. We hit it off pretty well and started dating exclusively shortly after. Things went well up until a week ago. When I came home, I found her in bed with my next door neighbor’s teenaged son. Yeah, I freaked out. I lost my cool and screamed all over the place. I mean, how could she? She won’t let me bang their teenage daughter, only my neighbor’s wife! How stupid is that? Anyway, now that I have gotten that off of my chest, and their son off of my wife’s, my words of advice are this: Never smoke in a firework factory.


Maybe I should start leaving notes, too? What am I saying? I have Netflix. Fuck you, Redbox!