Domestic Violence – Cure Has Been Found!

This is great! Like two scoops or raisins!
The greatest news from specialists at the “Mayo Labs” has been released yesterday, and we’re glad to be one of the first people to bring it to you, thanks to use completely disregarding our NDA!

Since the beginning of time, or rather 1994 in America, we’ve been doing everything we can to end domestic violence by calling attention to it with special laws. We’ve originally believed the issue was deep routed psychological issues, or even a learned behavior from previous generations. All the research in the world didn’t seem to help. That is until now! What is this miracle cure which is guaranteed to stop any and all domestic violence? Here it is:

Shut the Fuck Up!

Yep. That’s it! Think about how simple an instruction this is. You’d think everything would be much more complicated, but the facts prove it really isn’t. Checking with current and former domestic violence victims we can see everything stems from not just keeping their mouth shut unless asked directly for a response…and even then it might be better to just shut up.

The Core Principle
At its core the principle is simple and yet complicated. As human beings, we’re conditioned to speak with others and even provide responses. Those of us who have been wronged are often found trying to find defense with our words. This faulted evolutionary trait must be fought and controlled if we are to continue to evolve as a species while also ending domestic violence.

Imagine this scenario:
Your husband/boyfriend/brother/guy friend comes home and he’s already in a bad mood. He has a history of knocking in your teeth for being a “disrespectful bitch” and he is expecting, not only a nice dinner, but a deep vacuum of the entire place. You managed to get a 100% perfect job on vacuuming the carpet, but the broccoli is slightly cold in the middle, meaning you didn’t cook it well enough.

Man – “What the fuck is this?!”
You – “Dinner…”
Man – “No! THIS IS SHIT! It’s FROZEN in the middle!”
You – “I did it the way…”

Suddenly he jumps across the table and punches your stupid face into the ground.

This was your fault. You didn’t keep your mouth shut! You shouldn’t have said anything.

Now let’s look at how you should have handled the same situation, but keeping your mouth shut:

Man – “What the fuck is this?!”
You – “…”
Man – “You fucking IGNORING ME?!”
You – “…”
Man – “YOU DISRESPECTFUL BITCH!”

Suddenly he jumps across the table, grabs you by the throat for a second and then stops sighing.

Man – “At least you did the fucking vacuuming! I’m going out for dinner. Eat your shit or starve!”

He then leaves, bangs a random bar slut, gets an STD, and then fucks your brains out later that night to assert his dominance. You are in a much better position this time!

Psychology of the Cure
The only psychology involved is your own. Keeping your mouth shut takes tremendous mental strength. By doing exercises such as no longer speaking to friends and family nor communicating with anyone at all, you can eventually learn to keep your mouth shut unless specifically asked to respond. Even when asked to respond, you should know exactly what is expected of you. This can take years, so getting out of the relationship just because you’re weak is ill advised.

Testimonials from the Participants
We’ve acquired some testimonials from participants of the original study for your reading pleasure. You’ll see the subject’s names and read their experience with it all, including how long it lasted before hand.


Name: Sarah McKennis
Nationality: Irish
Current Residence: Missouri
Results According to Subject:
My husband, Mitchell, was one of the hardest hitters I had ever been with. He would beat me until I would fall unconscious constantly. No matter what the conversation was about, it would end with me getting slugged in the face like it was there for visible punctuation. The exclamation marks were his favorite. His cock though…oh my god! It’s the biggest reason I didn’t leave him, and besides, I’m a strong woman and not a quitter.

When I heard of this study I told Mitchell. “GOOD!” he told me and busted my face open so deeply I ended up with six staples across my face from biting a hole in my own face. I didn’t even wait for my mistake to heal and went straight to the study.

How are things now? Well, I’ve learned to keep my mouth closed and only speak when I should be replying. As for why I’m in this hospital bed giving my evaluation…well…I forgot to check attitude at the door when he made a comment about feeling old. Rule number one is to shut the fuck up, and I didn’t. I told him it’s okay if he gets old and I still love him. My mistake! However, the study still stands and I give it a 100%


Name: Timmy Ashford
Nationality: American
Current Residence: New Mexico
Results According to Subject:
Stephen is my step-dad. Well, he’s my step-dad in the sense he’s always having sex with my mother, lives with us, eats all our food, drinks all day, refuses to marry my mom and give me a father in a proper family setting, all the while beating my ass raw. I used to be a bad kid, but now I know my place. I no longer make the same mistakes as so many of my friends do. He even lets me call him Stephen now and not “Master”.

What started me in the trial is when Stephen had been asking me to clean my room five or six times in a single day. Like I said, I was a bad kid in those days, and refused to do anything he said because I was angry at him for just being around. So, after the fifth or sixth time of him screaming for me to clean up my room, I yelled back, “FUCK YOU STEPHEN! You’re not even my real dad!” You can imagine the three hour beating with a belt, a hot curling iron, and his fists. He got so tired my mother even had to take over beating me when he broke his hands on my ass!

My mommy had enough of my attitude and couldn’t take the stress anymore, just knowing I would continue to make Stephen mad, so she looked through the papers on where she could take me. She stumbled upon the trial and enrolled me right away. I got time away from Stephen and learned to keep my mouth shut for my own good!

A+ program and I highly suggest all other bad kids, which is all kids, to enroll!


Name: Tiffany-Sage Haddler
Nationality: British
Current Residence: Idaho
Results According to Subject:
My mummy always wants me to wear bright colours and act as a lady, but I just didn’t like it all too much. Mummy does know what is best, but in my silly head I could just not see that as a fact and I acted up just like all these spoiled American brats. No longer do I, however!

I would talk back to my mummy and ask her what she knew, and the result would be immediate and severe slaps among my face and fanny. She would constantly ask me how I would ever expect to please a husband if I spoke back all the time. My daft reasoning was that I did not want to be a stay at home mummy like mummy, who earned money by bringing in strange men and making me watch so they would both pay more and finish faster. Oh, what a sod I was!

Thanks to this program, I now know a proper woman is seen and not heard. She does exactly that and more. The more is what my mummy teaches me. I now have the skills and education early enough to carry me throughout my adult life in order to become a proper lady of the house!

I will raise many cups of tea in the honour of this program!


Name: Julian Nielson
Nationality: Ameri-queer
Current Residence: Gay Bay
Results According to Subject:
Mmmm…my name is Julian, but call me Sally RoughRider! I love long walks on the beach, blonds, and butt sex! Tee hee!!!! I know this isn’t a dating service, you giggly gooses!

My life partner, Bruce, who I always call “OH damn! THAT MAN!!!!” in a loving way, used to break a foot off in my ass, and I don’t mean in a fun gay way. Oh no. He’d kick the shit out of me almost every time I opened my whore mouth. That was the problem, you see, since as a gay man I don’t know when to shut up. It’s just genetics, and you can’t fight genetics, but you can control your nasty habits like talking all the time.

The last straw was when Bruce came home drunk and stinking of both strange men and vagina. Trust me, you can tell the difference in that smell! Well, once again I opened my stupid whore mouth and he beat me to the point of needing medical treatment for damn near a month. While laying out in the hospital, he was reading me the obituaries to remind me I could end up in there, when I caught a glimpse of this trial and knew I needed help.

Now I only open my mouth to suck dick! Great improvement! Much love!

I ♥ (‿|‿)!


There you have it, everyone! Keep your fucking mouth shut if you don’t want to get your ass beat by your significant other. Doesn’t just work for normal people and women: It’s obviously great for gays and children, too!

Know your place!

The Magical Whistling Vagina

There are few actual magical things in this world: Love of a puppy, a full moon on a still summer night, and the strangling of a baby. Well, I’ve found one more thing: the whistling vagina. While it’s not mine anymore, I had the pleasure of experiencing it for a time in my life and I know I can die a happy man now.

How this all started was simple enough and hardly worth mentioning, but I will. I had just finished a nine mile round trip hike around a local mountain range when I spotted a black haired angel. She was only around five foot four inches, but she had a hard body, tight ass, and a pair of tits which betrayed her small figure. Banging lips, too, which I knew could suck a pair of balls straight out of a hard dick. Turns out, I was right about that, but let’s not focus on this.

We caught eyes as I approached, so I stopped and began some idle chat with her. She told her two annoying friends to go ahead without her, and we made plans to meet up later. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What about this magical whistling vagina?” I’m getting to that. Every story needs a good setup.

She must have called me fifteen times in two days to tell me how excited she was to meet up. Taking this as a cue, I decided to just invite her straight over to my place and have a date just like any other twenty three year old does. That is to say, put on Netflix, pretend to be interested in the movie on screen for five seconds, and then start making out for a few before banging each other until the sun comes up three days later. If you haven’t figured this is that kind of story yet, you’re dumber than even I figured you are.

The night in question comes around and she shows up in this tiny sun dress which barely covered her panties, which she actually wasn’t wearing, and was the description of “Holy shit, you fine!”. I popped some popcorn and we chatted as it finished up before flipping through Netflix to find something we were going to ignore. I don’t remember what it was, but sure enough, the make-out session started and she was aggressive in a good way.

Realizing this wasn’t going to be enough nor was the couch a good place to start the screwing, we both jumped up and ran to the bed room. All clothes came off and we got into the full swing of it. After about four strokes I realized I heard something strange, so I stopped and looked around. When I didn’t hear it again, I continued, only to realize the sound came back. She asked what was wrong and I told her, “I hear something odd…like…like a whistle that keeps changing as I’m nailing you.” She blushed and told me it was her. Well, not her, but her magical whistling vagina. I didn’t believe her and started trying different variations, which, sure enough, changed the pitch and length of each whistle.

From that moment on I was hooked! I couldn’t get enough of that magical whistling vagina. With her help, I explored all kinds of different musical tastes from Fredrick Francois Chopin to ZZ Top. From Waltz to Dubstep. Sadly, happiness can never truly last forever and she left one day for new adventures. I will always remember, and be grateful, for the time with that magical whistling vagina!

How people are finding my entries (s)


Okay, people, seriously…what the fuck? I really like people finding my writings and reading them, but some of the search terms used to find me are pretty horrific. So, what I’m going to do for everyone is list some of the most “Dude, seriously?” of them here. All search strings are copypasta as they appeared with no editing!

Oh, and any link found on this entry will open to a new window so you can continue to read, while also referencing what I’m talking about.


shaving instant abs
What? Seriously? I guess this has to do with my Incredible Life Hacks entry in which I mention “great looking abs for wookies” and tell people to just shave abs into their fur. Still…why was someone looking this up?
 
 
confused monkey
How in the hell did I come up in a search with that string? Also, how deep must I be in those returned results to find me? Except for this page, I don’t think those two words appear directly next to each other in any of my entries…
 
 
guy who climbed a mountain with a t-bar
*laughing* Whaaaaat? Who the hell thought to look this up and what led them to think of it? I mean…I honestly don’t even know why someone would want to try to climb a mountain with a god damn t-bar…
 
 
i pray for a zombie apocolypse every day
Not only is apocalypse spelled wrong, the fact anyone is praying for it to happen every day is a little disturbing. I’m a fan of unrelenting carnage as much as the next sociopath, but come on…
 
 
mk 9 true skill
There is nothing on my sight to give you “true skill” in Mortal Kombat (9). Like, at all. I do have the fake tournament rules I did as a joke, but if you take any of that seriously, well, you’re a dumbass.
 
 
ejaculating into the ear
What the hell is wrong with you people?! Still…this is a new one for me! That means it’s time for a party:

 
 
well here goes nothin’
Huh? Is this like one of those “I Feel Lucky” things from Google? Nope, this is an actual search string used to locate my writings. Where this leads to and why I haven’t a single idea….at least it got people here, right?
 
 
when a guy says i don’t have to lie to you
While most of my writing is tongue in cheek, there is a bit of truth in everything I write. How I present the truth to people, however, is a terrible way to receive advice. This place is a writing site of satire and fun…not a real advice column, regardless of how the entry reads. So, to find this site using that search string…well…you’re better off just hitting the bottle and smiling, then tell him, “Well, I thought that was the best way to solve the issue!”

The truth is, though, if a guy says you don’t have to lie to him, then just fucking don’t lie. Stop lying, god damn it.
 
 
felicia day the other
*blink blink* Uh…huh..? I know I did the entry Who I Will Donkey Punch and Why, which had Felicia Day as one of the women, but this search string doesn’t make a lick of sense.
 
 
i was fucking myself using a broom does that mean im not a virgin anymore
I’m honestly at a loss of words…
 
 
 
fats food job to hard
Aww, is the little bitch finding working in “fats” food “to” hard? FYI, it’s “fast” and “too”, you fucking illiterate little shit. Given you feel working in the fast food industry is too hard and you can’t even use the correct word (fast, too), being in fast food is all you’re going to be experiencing. Don’t worry…four or five fast food jobs should be enough to scrape by while taking care of three kids with two separate women while living in your mother’s basement. Obama will come to your rescue.
 
 
vampire withstand daylight for at least 12hrs
Dick off, Cullen.
 
 
can i return something at macy’s i’ve worn
This may have to do with my Actual Customer Complaints (s) entry. That entry has to do with idiot customers…and this search string is probably done by a few of them.

Here’s a tip: Don’t buy something you don’t want or haven’t tried on…and this won’t be a problem!
 
 
sexyass site:wordpress.com/2013/06
It’s hard to argue my site is and does has a sexy ass. Still, I can’t figure out why someone was looking this up nor why it got them to my site. Then again, as I said, this site, and me included, does have a sexy ass!
 
 
what does it mean when someone screams at you that you ruined them
Once again, any advice you receive from this site isn’t really advice… Still, if you’re asking this question, you must be horribly brain dead. Generally in the moments preceding the statement you ruined them, the reason was talked about…and if it wasn’t, then the reason is going to be stated immediately following that you ruined them.
 
 
god created sex people ruined it
Once again: WHY?! I have never discussed this in any of my writings. There is nothing about my sex life at all, but rest assured, I’m awesome.
 
 
elyse levesque armpits
Da fuq?
 
 
if i dont call or text will he become reinterested/
I know how this found the site. It’s due to the entry called Just Because I Don’t Call You in Four Days…. I just think it’s funny someone was actually considering this and found my site in regards to it.
 
 
sexting per minute services
Really? You really needed this?
 
 
what does a jack of spades tattoo mean on a man
How come this is even a question? Does it have to mean anything? There’s some bullshit about the Queen of Spades and even the Ace of Spades, but it’s mostly bullshit.
 
 
disable pussies
Aside from three to seven days a month, why would you want to disable pussies? Pussies are awesome. I, myself, am quite a vagitarian. I even have an appropriate bib…kinda like a lobster bib, but with a picture of a naked chick spreading her legs.
 
 
hot one blowing a donkey
What is…I don’t even…
 
 
werewolves bang hot vsmpire chick
…good lord…
 
 
when you sneeze on your period meme
*sigh* Does this actually have to be a meme…and why does this link to my writings?
 
 
dirty sexy sweaty bestiality stories
Once again…the fuck, people?!
 
 
little pussy woman
o_0


Well…there’s the most screwed up search strings which have found my writings. You people need help…and I need a shower…

I’m his wife – Setting the record straight

Hello there, everyone. This is as he’s been calling himself on here Sunrie’s wife and I want to set the record straight with everyone. I was very shocked dismayed and surprised when I found his writings here and I want to let everyone know he’s actually a very nice man.

I knew he was writing things on the internet, but he was always quiet about what he was posting. He just said, “Fun random stuff.” Well, now I see what he is writing and…I am upset. He is actually just a sweet, nice guy, and I cannot understand why he is putting the things he does here! The tough guy talk, the grotesque descriptions about sexual acts, the woman hate, the borderline racism… It is all shocking to say the least.
 
 
What is the truth? The truth is he is a nice, sweet guy! He is romantic to a fault and is always making sure I am taken care of no matter what! These writings are terrible! He is not someone who hates woman I can tell you for sure! He loving and sweet and nice and lovely. He is just so nice. He feeds the homeless he does not punch them in the face. He pets puppies, he does not drown them. He absolutely loves children and would never beat them. He volunteers with big brothers and is always helping to take disadvantaged kids to amusement parks!
 
 
Why he is writing all of this is beyond my ability to understand. I have asked him, but he just goes quiet and keeps saying he is sorry. He should be sorry. The filth written on this site is terrible. For the sake of it all…he writes poetry! Yes, poetry! His expression in prose and rhyme are comparable to Shakespeare! I am going to make sure this site becomes a shrine to his multiple talents as a loving writer instead of a monument to the hate he currently expresses. This is so unlike him. Until then, know his wife is taking care of the situation and you do not have to worry any longer.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
April Fool’s, bitches!!!!!

Valentine’s Day is not really a holiday!

Let's Get Drunk and Screw
Ah yes, February 14th, better known as Valentine’s Day. At least, it’s better known to all those annoying women out there who are looking forward to getting more shit they don’t deserve, but not so much for us guys. There are a multitude of reasons why men simply hate this Hallmark holiday. The only reason men go through the motions of this moronic day is to get pussy around their dick. Yes, we only do it for sex.

First of all, when it comes to Valentine’s Day, men don’t like crap. Teddy bears, chocolate, romantic movies, flowers, expensive dinners, talking: You know, crap! None of these things were invented with a man in mind. Sure, every so often some queer will go along with you women to a romantic movie because they want to, but don’t get that confused with men going to see romantic movies.

While I’m talking about crap that are given as gifts on V-Day, this is another area men get screwed on, and not in the good way. We see it up to a week before Valentine’s: Some poor pussy whipped bitch of a man is running ragged trying to find that perfect gift for his unappreciative woman. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are a very small few of you chicks out there that actually don’t freak when a man doesn’t give you any thing except for a small box of candy hearts. I’m not talking to you.

Valentine’s Day is NOT supposed to be a quest for the perfect present. Yet, we always see the aforementioned guy having a hernia in fear that his gift isn’t going to get him poontang, so he buys three times the amount of gifts he should have. Sometimes, the ungrateful bitch STILL won’t put out!!!! The only thing you should expect is a smile and a “Happy Valentine’s Day!” when we see you. Just because you have a vagina doesn’t mean you are entitled to anything because of that fact.

As I’ve been saying, it’s a Hallmark holiday. That means it’s basically made up so certain people can make more money. Now, I’m all for businesses making money, but I’m not all for creating a holiday to do it. I’m not going to insist on a “Advertising Production Artists Day” in order to force people to give me more money. Like Hallmark hasn’t cornered the market enough as it is! There are cards ranging from “Get Well Soon” to “Commit Suicide, You Lazy Fuck”.

Hmm…I’m on the subject of Hallmark, who makes cards, and Valentine’s Day at the same time. Good time to bring up a damn good point when it comes to cards. Don’t expect us to write anything else in the fucking card nor get pissed when we don’t! There is already writing on the inside of the card, so there is no point in writing anything else. I’m not paying $5.95 for Hallmark to write what I was thinking or want you to believe what I was thinking, just so that I have to actually write something more in the damn card! If I wanted you to know what the hell I was thinking, I would tell you. Men don’t talk about their feelings, so Hallmark does it for us!

Come on, do women REALLY need a special day just for them? Of course not. This further places the idea in their head that they deserve something just for being women! The only thing they really deserve is to be at the end of your penis, and they should be damn happy to be there since you were even willing to talk to her.

Now, there are certain instances when Valentine’s Day an be good. Actually, only one, really…and that’s if the chick’s birthday is on Valentine’s Day. I know what you’re thinking guys, “But doesn’t that complicate matters even more?!” HELL NO! This is great! With minimal effort, both issues are dealt with at once. Not only are you giving her birthday presents, you’re also giving her V-Day presents. This makes you seem sweet when you’re still being a huge asshole to keep her self esteem down!

V-Day is the time to get your balls relieved, guys, because there are so many desperate and lonely women out there. Look, no one is saying that you have to hold their hand in the mall nor marry them, so it really doesn’t matter if she’s a 5 or a 6. This is a one time bang, or you can keep her around for later booty calls. Remember, you’re not looking for a relationship, now are you? Oh, fuck no. Besides, Valentine’s Day is the worst time to look for one anyway, since the women are desperate and usually turn very pyscho because of it.

There are only three things you need to remember. These are the three “F’s” of dating: Find them, Feed them, Fuck them. That’s it. Oh, and make sure you either do it at a willing buddy’s house or her place. You don’t want to let her know where you live. Also, keep it under $40 for the night. No reason to spend all that money on some cheap whore you picked up to just screw and/or keep around for booty calls. If she thinks you’re willing to spend money, she’ll hang around expecting you to spend it all on her. Don’t let her.

Well, there it is, out in the open, the truth about Valentine’s Day and why men hate it. If a guy gets you anything, ladies, you best at least suck his dick. Lord knows he did it just because he felt the responsibility to, and this means you now have a responsibility of your own!


Oiriginally posted 05/04/2006 by me on OpenDiary-“Ramblings of the Sunrie”

Love advice from Love Guru Sunrie

Do you have love problems?  Do you have problems finding love?  Do you have problems just trying to understand how to do things?  Well, fear not!  For Guru Sunrie shall assist you in your love’s labour’s lost!  Unlike others out on the Internet, I am not charging you a single fraction of currency for this type of help.  I do this as a service of love and not a service of profit.

Not long ago I requested everyone on Xanga and on several other sites to send me their love problems so that I may help them.  I have finally been able to compile the answers to the most serious of all the questions.  Worry not, readers, for I have changed the names of all who submitted their problems.  Without further adieu, let’s begin!


Craig’s List Love
From: Wanky Panky
Help me out!

I’m a huge pervert, and so under pseduonyms, I posted ways to contact me for like minded people. I get a message from a guy, saying that his ex is a nympho. Loves sex. She has a boyfriend, but still fools around with him. She just can’t get enough. Heres the problem:  She tells him he should get guys from the internet for her. Turns out, I’m the first guy that he messaged, that is in the area, and isn’t a creep. She looks great, (great pics!) and they’d like to set up a meeting, (In a public place) where we all get to know each other. If things go well, and she likes me, I get to have lots of perverted sex with her.

So, should I go along with it? Or do you think its just a gay guy? Or are they going to rob me? (I have nothing to lose, except my pride.) Please, please, help me Dr. Sunrie.

Reply:
I thought you said they were looking for someone who wasn’t a creep?  Sounds pretty creepy to me. But, hey, I’ve been told that a guy spanking a Pikachu doll while drunk and naked shouldn’t judge.

I’d say send a friend in your place and watch from a distance.  That way, if they are looking to cut off his balls instead of letting him have sex with her, you can just pretend it’s a reality sex show…and you keep your balls.  If he does get some, then you can join in next time!


Milk Maid Love
From: Nonny
I met a girl at milk bar, but she looked at me like I was an idiot for coming to a bar that serves milk. So I followed her outside, we talked, and then we became girl friend and boy friend…

2 months later…We are still dating but she is acting as if I am not around.  What’s wrong?

Reply:
You’re obviously spending too much time with her.  Start ignoring her and go out with your friends instead.  Then, when she asks why you aren’t spending any time with her, simply let her know that you lost interest after trying to get her attention.  That or just screw her bestfriend/sister.  That’ll teach her.


Friend Zone
From:
Lovey Dovey Girl
i need some help this guy likes me & he keep’s flritng w/ me but he is going out w/ my friend & i told her wt he was doing but she just lafe at me & said “thats a good 1” but she did tell him to stop w/e he was doing………..i like him to & he’s cute & he just called me becaues she broke up w/ him 4 that but he only does it w/ me she said……so i dont no wt to do because he will proble ask me out tomarro! PLEZ HELP!

Reply:
Well, all you have to do is call him and say you’re naked when he gets there.  If he shows up, you know he likes you.  If he doesn’t…well he’s gay.


Dumping Ground
From: Junebug
A boy dumped me, and now is saying things that make it seem like he thinks we’re dating. How do I inform him that we aren’t dating, and haven’t been since he dumped me, without causing massive drama?

Reply:
Stop having sex with him.  That pretty much puts a complete stop to everything.  Don’t pretend you aren’t still screwing, either.


Harry and his Hendersons
From:
Not a Metro
I have been dating this girl for about 6 months now and we have a wonderful relationship. But she doesnt like that Im all hairy, she wants me to shave my back, chest, and…. well you know. Im not a fag, and I like being a manly man, but she wont have sex with me until I do. What should I do?

Reply:
I’m going to have to side with her on this one.  No one wants to sleep with a bear no matter what the supposed lesson of “Girl Sleeps with Beasts 3” porn wanted to teach you.

However, I’m not so sure you should be going shaving your junk.  I mean, that’s a mark of pride right there.  She should be rather proud of your man-mane.  Also, there’s little more painful than knicking the ‘ole alien brain, if you know what I mean.  Look at it this way: You’ll swim faster, run faster, and even slide out of bed easier.  Just don’t remove your lion’s hair.  Don’t want to look French or anything.  Lastly, you can’t be a big manly-man without having sex; so keep that in mind!


Handcuffs are Rings, Too
From:
Wed Locked
Here’s my situation. I’m married now.  Help me!

Reply:
Oh man…I’m sorry to hear that.  My only suggestion to you is role playing.  Yes, role playing.  I’m not talking about just any RP, I’m talking true to life, live action.  When she comes in wearing her sexy little genie outfit, put on your mage’s hat and robe, then cast level three sexuality on her.  You won’t be sorry.


Wishy Washy Wuv
From:
Red Almight
I need your advice..There is this girl I like who I get along with really well..I’ve talked to her about going out..But she seems to want to change the subject..But the thing is, Her freind tells me she likes me..Please..What in gods name am I supposed to do!?

Reply:
Fuck her friend.  That’ll teach the bitch.


The Ink is Permanent
From:
Worcester Sauce
Okay. I was with a girl for nearly 4 years (I was 11 when I met her), I promised her one day I would get a tattoo of her name somewhere on my body. So, on my 15th Birthday I decided to keep to my end of the bargain and got the tattoo, high up on the top meaty part of my thigh.

Obviously most relationships end on a sour note, and ours was no exception. We split, I wanted her back badly. I nagged and nagged and eventually gave up all hope. About 2 months after my ‘giving up’ she come’s back to me and tell’s me she want’s to give it another shot, I tell her to fuck off and we fall out of friendship as well as love.

Present day, I’m 19 and I still love her dearly. I still have the tattoo (which is three letters long ‘PEP’ short for Pepita. Feel free to make the Salt on one leg and pepper on the other joke). Problem is she aint at all bothered and only thinks of me as a mate. Should I get the bad boy covered up and move on? Should I continue having meaningless drunken one night stands? Or should I ask her father to sell her to me for a bag of magic beans?

Reply:
Cover it up and move on, are you kidding me?  This is your chance to get the tail you could only beg for, my friend.  This is a sure fire way to find out if the next woman is going to be worth it.  I am talking about, of course, an exciting threesome.  If the girl thinks it’s hot or sweet that you have her name on your leg, time to start asking about her sister or her best friend joining you both in the bedroom.  Remember to send me pictures.


Dirty Deeds
From:
Honker
Sunrie! Help! My girlfriend is mad at me because I told all my friends about us doing it in the “dirty” hole…you know…the dark ally in the back…  How can I calm her down?!

Reply:
Allow me to congratulate you on hitting her in the shitter.  Easiest way is to stick a cock in her mouth.  Otherwise, just dump her.  I mean, you already punched in her backdoor, so what more could there be?


There you have it from the mouth of a true master.  Remember, whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right!


Posted 2/18/2013 at 12:34 AM Xanga

Sultons of Sex with Osh and Gosh: Transcript 2

—The following is a partial transcript from the radio show “Sultans of Sex with Osh and Gosh” —

Gosh:
Hellllooooo, listeners!

Osh:
Yes, what’s up, our loyal minions.  You’re listening to Sultans of Sex with Osh and Gosh.  As if you didn’t know, I’m Osh.

Gosh:
So that obviously makes me Gosh.  Dr. Modjucawk won’t be joining us tonight.  I know, I know, it’s not a big deal.  I’m sure you’re as relieved as I am.

Osh:
What the hell is the problem between you two, anyway?

Gosh:
Philosophical differences, that’s all.

Osh:
Phili…what?!  We’ve never talked about philosophies on this program.

Gosh:
Look, if hanging out at the mall oggling jailbait and then masturbating about it later is wrong, I don’t give a damn to be right!

Osh:
Dude!

Gosh:
Moving on…

Osh:
Yes…good idea…  Like the Amber Alert here said, Dr. Modjucawk will not be with us.  In his place, we have behavioral specialist, Professor Hugh Morris.

Prof. Morris:
Thank you, guys, great to be here, thanks for having me!

Gosh:
Oh, you haven’t been had just yet, Professor.

Prof. Morris:
You know, Gosh, your obsession with sex doesn’t so much as intrigue me as it does have me concerned for you over your past.  Were you inappropriately touched when you were a child?

*five seconds of dead air*

*laughing from both Osh and Prof. Morris is heard as Gosh begins talking*

Gosh:
So, first caller, your name is Joann, from Austin, Texas.  For the record, it wasn’t inappropriate!

Joann:
Heeeey, guuuuys.

*Osh, Gosh, and Prof. Morris all speak at the same time*

Gosh:
Hey! Yeah, wow!

Osh:
Heeeeey yourself!

Prof. Morris:
Well, hello, Joann!

Joann:
Thanks.  It’s nice to actually get through to talk to you.  Um…yeah, so I have a few questions.

Osh:
Well, you only get one.  So what one do you REALLY want an answer to?

Gosh:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, because if we let everyone ask whatever and however many they wanted, it would be their show and not ours.

Joann:
Yeah, well, umm…okay…  I guess I should ask the important one.

Prof. Morris:
Okay, if I may?  Not that it matters here.

*Osh and Gosh can be heard laughing*

Prof. Morris:
This is obviously something bothering you and you’re embarrassed about it or else you wouldn’t be taking so long to ask it.  Come on.  Out with it.

*Joann can be heard sighing*

Joann:
Okay, so I finally did something with my boyfriend that we shouldn’t have probably done in the first place over a vacation and I know what it means to me, and …

*Gosh can be heard half-whispering in the background*

Gosh:
He so got laid!

Joann:
… I don’t know what it means to him, but to me …

*Osh can be heard half-whispering in the background*

Osh:
This chick is a whiner…

Joann:
… it means that he’ll actually propose.

Osh:
Joann…that isn’t a question.

Gosh:
Yeah, no kidding.  A question goes UP at the end.

*Prof. Morris can be heard with a moderately hard laugh*

Joann:
Up?  I don’t get it…  What does that mean?

*Osh and Gosh can be heard laughing very hard in the background*

Prof. Morris:
While my friends here have a conniption fit, let me explain what it probably means to him.  Obviously to you, it’s something you take very seriously and you’d only do it with someone you believe will be around forever, right?

Joann:
Right…

Prof. Morris:
Right.  Okay, well men are hard wired for sex, that much is pretty obvious to everyone.  Women, however, have all these emotions and ideals tied into it these days.  The point here is, it was an end to the work he put in.

Joann:
Oh…so, is he like going to …

Gosh:
Joann!

Joann:
… leave me now?

Gosh:
JOANN!

Joann:
…yes?

Prof. Morris:
Hold on there, Gosh.  Joann, how old are you?

Joann:
Seventeen…

Prof. Morris:
Okay, seriously, especially at that age, what a guys is looking …

Joann:
All we did was make out…

Gosh:
Excuse me?

Osh:
Seriously?!

Joann:
Well, I mean, I don’t just make out with anyone!

*three seconds of silence*

Joann:
Um…hello?

Prof. Morris:
No, we’re still here, Joann.  You’ve lived a sheltered life, haven’t you?

Joann:
Well…yeah, I mean, I just was moved down from a small town of twenty people up in the mountains a year ago.

*Osh, Gosh, and Prof. Morris all groan and laugh a little*

Prof. Morris:
Okay, then even more so, Joann.  Don’t worry about it.  I’m sure you’re fine.

Osh:
And I’m sure you’ll be pregnant in a week.

Joann:
Oh god!  Is that how it happens?!

*caller is hang up on*

Gosh:
ENOUGH!  Sorry to hang up on her…no, you know what?  Forget it, I’m NOT sorry.  I can’t take anymore from her.

Osh:
Okay, Prof. Morris, I gotta ask you…what’s up with people that shelter their children like that.

Prof. Morris:
These are generally people who had made a lot of mistakes in their own life and believe that by keeping their children in a little, windowless box, as it were, they will be better off for it and not make those same mistakes.

Gosh:
So, basically, whores.

Prof. Morris:
Uh, no, actually.  While there is no reason to believe that keeping your children sheltered from certain things will do them harm, there’s evidence to prove that other things children are exposed to will do them good.

Osh:
Okay, we’re done with this serious stuff.  Let’s take another caller.  Welcome to the Sultan’s of Sex!  James, I think it is.  You’re thirty five from Brick, New Jersey.  How are you, buddy?

James:
I’m actually doing great, guys!  How about you all?

Prof. Morris:
We’re doing fine here.  What is it that you need?

James:
Well, like you said, I’m thirty five.  I think I’m pretty good looking and …

Gosh:
It doesn’t matter what you think.

James:
What’s that?

Osh:
Nothing, James, continue.

James:
Yeah, so I met this little twenty year old hottie and she bangs like a god damn mink.

Gosh:
Hey, whoa, watch the language.  So what’s the problem?

James:
Oh, there’s no problem, I’m just telling EVERYONE.

*caller hangs up*

*Osh, Gosh, and Prof. Morris all laugh really hard as the caller hangs up*

Prof. Morris:
Do you want to know why that is so great to him?

Osh:
No, I’m sure that I can figure that one out.

*Prof. Morris laughs*

*Osh speaks in a bad New Jersey accent*

Osh:
Stinking, mook.

Gosh:
So, who else do we have on the line?

Prof. Morris:
Oh, I like this one.  Chris!

Chris:
Uh, hello?

Prof. Morris:
Yes, hello, Chris!  It says here that you think you might be a furry.

Chris:
Yeah, I’m starting to feel that way.

Gosh:
Hold on…what in the hell is a furry?  Like…a really hairy Italian?

Osh:
What have I told you about making fun of the dago-wops, Gosh?

Chris:
No, it’s someone who likes…well…

Prof. Morris:
Let me explain this one, Chris.  Imagine the hottest female you can, Gosh.

Gosh:
Done…and I’m getting a raging boner.

Prof. Morris:
Okay, good!  Good!

Gosh:
Not really, my pants are getting really, really short.

*Osh can be heard laughing in the background*

Prof. Morris:
Now, picture that women has all the same features and curves, but is actually a human sized and proportioned llama.

*there is two seconds of silence*

Gosh:
And my pants fit better once again.

Chris:
Well, I’m not actually into the llamas.

Osh:
Uh…good?  Why do you think that you might be a furry?

Gosh:
No, seriously, I think I just threw up a little.

Chris:
You don’t have to be rude about this!

Gosh:
Oh, I absolutely DO have to.  The reason …

*the sound of a hand being placed over a microphone is heard*

Prof. Morris:
Ignore him, Chris.  Go ahead and answer the question.

Chris:
Well, I saw a few of the drawings and I got turned on.  Now when I look for porn, I’m looking up the fur fetish.

Gosh:
So, let me get this straight…you want to nail an animal?

Chris:
No, it’s not like that.

Gosh:
Bull *censor beep*, man!  You’re looking up pictures of animals that look like humans to justify your bestiality!

Prof. Morris:
In a way, yes, but not exactly.

Osh:
Prof. Morris, don’t try to explain this one to Gosh.  It’s just not going to happen.

Chris:
It’s something that just started, too.  I haven’t always wanted to look at it and it wasn’t something that I actively looked for before.

Osh:
You know what?  There’s actually someone here who’s had an encounter with someone who was into this.

Prof. Morris:
Really?

Gosh:
Oh, god no…

Prof. Morris:
What’s going on?  Who?

Osh:
Is he here?  Yes?  Hey, come on in here, Bob.

Bob the Angry Midget:
Prepare for an ass raping!  It’s Bob, the angry midget!  How you *censor beep* doing?

Gosh:
Seriously?  Bob, you’ve had a bestiality experience?

Bob the Angry Midget:
No, you sloppy puto.  It was this hot chick I met in a bar.  She was a real freak.  Like banging a pampas bull, man.

Osh:
So, you’ve banged bulls?

Bob the Angry Midget:
*censor beep* you, man!  I’m just using that as an example for your little freak parade here.

Prof. Morris:
Is there a point to all of this?

Bob the Angry Midget:
Don’t question me, maggot!  I may be an angry wee person, but I will *censor beep* your mom and your sister in front of you!

*Osh and Gosh can be heard laughing extremely hard*

Prof. Morris:
Good lord…

Bob the Angry Midget:
Anyway, so it was this chick who was all freaky as hell, right?  I knew she liked it because she kept screaming like a cat in a stretcher, right?  Things were going great, but then started with this, “*censor beep* me like a pony!  *censor beep* me like a pony!”

Gosh:
…you’ve got to be kidding…

Bob the Angry Midget:
Hell no, bitch!  Listen to what I’m saying!  I was all like, “Damn right!”  It was all fine and I was just going with it.  It only got weird when I put the saddle on her and rode her around her living room from behind.

*Osh, Gosh, Prof. Morris and Chris can all be heard laughing*

Bob the Angry Midget:
It was like the wheel barrow, but she had a saddle on her back and bit in her mouth.  I normally talk about grabbing a chicks’ hair and using it like reigns…but I actually had a hold of some reigns!

Gosh:
Okay, okay…I guess it can’t be all that bad, then.

Bob the Angry Midget:
She was insane, but had a snatch like velvet candy!  Everyone has to afford baby formula some how!

*Osh, Gosh, Prof. Morris and Chris can be heard laughing again*

Prof. Morris:
Now that we all have a better understanding of…well, Bob’s sex life …

Bob the Angry Midget:
You don’t know the *censor beep* half of that *censor beep*, queer!

*Osh, Gosh, and Chris can be heard laughing*

Prof. Morris:
Okay, okay, okay!  Anyway, it’s probably just a phase you’re going through, Chris.  You’re still finding yourself and what gets you going.  There are a lot of websites and furry meets for you to attend to see if it’s something that you are actually into.

Chris:
Thanks, Prof. Morris.  Thanks Osh, thanks Gosh!

*caller hangs up*

Bob the Angry Midget:
What a prick!  He didn’t thank me!  I usually sell those stories to sex sites and I gave it to him for free.  *censor beep* you, Chris!  If you ever have a daughter, I will *censor beep* her in front of you!

Osh:
Well, I think it’s time for a commercial.  Coming up, more calls…duh!

*musical bump featuring “Animal I Have Become” by Three Days Grace begins*

Bob the Angry Midget:
I’m outta here, bitches.  Just let me know if you need more of my brain power!

*musical bump slowly fades out as commercial break begins*

*musical bump featuring “My Band” by D12 featuring Eminem slowly fades in*

Gosh:
You’re listening to Sultans of Sex with Osh and Gosh here on W-ASS, the only FM Talk Radio, 169.9 on your FM Dials.

*musical bump fades out*

Prof. Morris:
During the break we all started talking about the Japanese cartoons, hentai they call it, with all the fetishes because of the last caller.

Osh:
Hey, don’t knock it, man.  At least they are pretty open with all that.

Prof. Morris:
Actually, the Japanese …

Gosh:
BORING!  Let’s take a call.  Eeny, Meeny, Miny…MOE!  What’s going on!

Caller:
Are you talking to me?

Gosh:
No, I’m talking to Casper.

Caller:
Oh, sorry, I’m not Casper.

*caller hangs up*

Osh:
…I swear some of our callers hurt my brain.

Prof. Morris:
That might be a tumor.

Gosh:
Okay, caller, I’m talking directly to you, Sarah.

Sarah:
Hey, thanks guys.

Prof. Morris:
Hello, Sarah.  What’s your issue?

Sarah:
Well, I just moved in with my long term boyfriend.  We had been dating for around a year and didn’t have sex before last week…and his mom kind of walked in on us…

Gosh:
HA!  That’s gotta be as awkward for her as it is had you walked in on her having sex with her dude.

Sarah:
Yeah, it was, but what was weird is that my boyfriend looked back and saw her, but then turned back to me and just kept going, like it never even happened.

Osh:
Hey, that’s pretty impressive.  Most people would drop to at least half stalk when that happens.

Sarah:
…yeah…I guess..?

Gosh:
Wait…so why did his mom have access to you both?

Sarah:
Oh, he lives at home right now.  He lost his job about six months back.

Gosh:
Okay, this guy is a hero.  So you’ve been dating for around a year, he’s been unemployed for six months of that year, and moved back in with his parents.  After which time you also moved in with him AND had sex with him?

Sarah:
Basically…yeah…

Osh:
Wow.  Umm…huh…

*Gosh can be heard clapping in the background*

Prof. Morris:
What is it that you’re concerned with?  Did it crush your sex drive or something?

*caller is heard with a broken connection*

Sarah:
Well, I tho…an…strange he wou…don’t you think?

Gosh:
Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.  Hold on.  You broke up really bad there for a second.  Are you on a cell phone?

Sarah:
Yeah, I’m in the garage in the back of his car listening to you guys and kind of hiding to make the call.

Osh:
Okay.  That explains that.  Can you say all that again?

Sarah:
I was just saying it’s strange that he’d keep going.  Don’t you think?

Prof. Morris:
I’ll take it, guys.  Stop looking at me like that, Gosh.

*Osh and Gosh can be heard laughing in the background*

Prof. Morris:
To address your concern, yes, it’s definitely strange he’d keep going at you knowing his mother was watching.  Was it like a quick glance and she left or what?

Sarah:
No, and that’s the other thing that’s bothering me.  She stood there for what seemed like forever.  I’m sure it was only about ten seconds or so, but she was actually watching as he stared at her.

Gosh:
Okay, I threw up a little again.

Osh:
Sarah?

Sarah:
Yeah?

Osh:
What’s the phone number?

Sarah:
What phone number?

Osh:
To his mom’s place, because she’s a freak that obviously needs it.

*Sarah laughs a little bit*

Sarah:
Oh, that’s sick.

Prof. Morris:
There’s a little happier tone!  Well, it may be nothing to him.  Maybe he’s a little bit of an exhibitionist and you’re just noticing.  Maybe he has had that happen a few times in the past.  Just talk to him about it.

Sarah:
That’s all you got to suggest?

Prof. Morris:
What else do you want?  That he’s having sex with his mom?  I can’t make that call from the limited information.  What I can suggest is that you both get your own place.  At least you should get your own place.  It’s just not healthy.  Okay?

Sarah:
Okay…thanks for whatever…

*caller hangs up*

Gosh:
I think she should just have a three way with them both.

Osh:
DUDE!!!

Prof. Morris:
I agree, that’s just nasty, Gosh.

Osh:
Although, in his defense, I think that a three way with the freaky mom and Sarah would be just fine if it were me and not the son.

Prof. Morris:
Now I know why Dr. Modjucawk took a few days off.

*Prof. Morris laughs*

Osh:
Let’s go to the next call…Oh, and it says that it’s an emergency.

Gosh:
Hey, go ahead, what’s going on that’s so important?

Caller:
I need assistance at Paco’s on the corner of Lincoln and Colefax!

Prof. Morris:
Wait, what?

Caller:
They stole my damn dollars and won’t give me my damn tacos!

Osh:
Tacos?  What are you talking about?

Caller:
What did I say?  I want my dollar and my tacos!

Prof. Morris:
You…you’re having a problem with your taco?

Gosh:
Like…a pink taco?  The sloppy taco?

Caller:
The proprietor here…he took my damn money, refused to make my taco, and he kept my money!

Osh:
Okay, so a problem with a regular taco.

Caller:
The owner, bitch!

Osh, Gosh, Prof. Morris:
Whoa, whoa!

Caller:
I’m sorry.  I’m pissed off!

Prof. Morris:
Just calm down and tell us what’s going on.

Caller:
Aren’t you listening to me?!  I told you!  You aren’t listening to anything I’ve said!

Gosh:
Is this serious?

Caller:
Of course this is serious!  Are you going to help me or not?  Get your fat ass down here and help me out!

Osh:
First of all, my ass is not fat, and secondly, my ass is staying in the air conditioned station.

Caller:
Oh, so now you’re not going to help me!

*Osh, Gosh, and Prof. Morris can be heard laughing in the background*

Prof. Morris:
We’re trying to help you, but we need to know what’s going on and some information.  Where are you?

Caller:
I told you were I am!  What did I just say?!

Osh:
I know, I know, but tell me slower.  What’s your name as well?

Caller:
WHAT?!  I don’t have to give you that *censor beep*, bitch!

Gosh:
Ha!  Okay, what was actually wrong with the taco?

Caller:
That bean dog mother *censor beep* refused to give it to me!  He also won’t give me my money back!

Osh:
Well that ain’t right.

Caller:
No it ain’t!  My house is locked up, you mother *censor beep* Jew!  I only got one dollar and thirty five cents, and he took it!  Are you coming or not?

Gosh:
Uh…huh…um…well, as far as we’re concerned you can get whatever taco you want…even a chaco-taco.

Caller:
Good!  Now get down here and don’t send me no niggers.

*two seconds of silence*

Caller:
Hello?!

Gosh:
You mean you don’t want a black dude coming out there?

Caller:
That’s right!  I know some nigger is going to steal from me, too.  They have no respect for strong black women and will steal from me just like this pepper-gut!

Prof. Morris:
Lady, you need therapy.

Caller:
*censor beep* YOU!  If you won’t help, I’ll just do it myself!

*caller forcefully hangs up*

*Gosh can heard taking a deep sigh*

Osh:
Did she want the cops?  Did she think that she called the non-emergency number or something?

Gosh:
I need a really strong shower after that call.

*musical bump featuring Cupid Shuffle by Cupid fades in*

Osh:
I think we need a commercial.

Prof. Morris:
I completely agree, boys.

*musical bump fades out as commercial break begins*

—End Transcript—

Posted 6/9/2010 at 5:46 PM