Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts in 2016

It was that magical time of year again, and that means it’s time to highlight some problems. On Christmas morning and maybe even on morning of presents for Hanukkah, someone is going to be unlucky enough to have gotten one of these gifts. Just like every year, W.A.T.C.H. is hell bent on ruining Christmas morning like a Muslim in a gay nightclub. While they do highlight some issues with toys, W.A.T.C.H. always misses the worst of the worst and instead focuses on toys targeted at boys and girls simply for being “gender specific”. Here are the actual Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts in 2016 which were given.

My Very Own Alibi1. My Very Own Alibi
This toy line is said to have been inspired by the film franchise known as Home Alone, in which a rich white child goes on a killing spree of his neighbors while getting off completely free in protest of being left alone while his family goes out shopping. Pictured is the “Roller Puncture Derby” a la carte version of the toy. Others include the mouse trap with tack and shotgun shell and hand grenade on a sstring, the second best seller. Were do we really begin with this?

First off, the knife isn’t sharp as it needs to be in order to put someone down quickly. Some people might find this as a feature, but we find it to be a minus point to an otherwise ingenious product. Secondly, the skate is very rusty, but the knife is not. We’d give it points for adding tetanus with a dull knife, but since the rust is on the skate and note the blade, this is another minus point. Lastly, there is no ramp with My Very Own Alibi, but the packaging (not shown) clearly shows it flying off a ramp.

Kids have a great imagination, and this is just lazy. The toy has nothing to put together and basically just does one thing: Roll slowly and barely stab someone. Children are going to end up just throwing the toy, which defeats the purpose of what it is trying to accomplish. Stay away and if you get this as a present, get a gift receipt.

Pogoff To Space2. Pogoff Stick: To Space
Claims from the manufacturer:

Feeling XtReMe?! Want to KiSs the SkY?! Well now you can! After three successful pumps to prime the engines, the rockets will kick in and put you close enough to kiss the pilots of MH370 as they fly by on their infinite voyage around the world in space!

Aside from the tasteless reference to the fated Malaysia Flight MH370, there’s also a slightly veiled reference for drugs. Jimmie Hendrix used the term “kiss the sky” for getting intoxicated with drugs.

Even though almost any kid, and many adults, would love to ride on a rocket propelled pogo stick, the fact is, pogo sticks are dangerous. Ever get hit in the chin while riding on one? How about landing at an angle and falling or bouncing into a bush/tree? Imagine that at 147 MPH/236.574 KPH? Yeah, that’s going to leave one bad bump on your head and a pretty bad headache. I think we can all do without this. We don’t want another “Heat Seeking Lawn Darts” fiasco during a picnic, now do we?

My First Lynching Rope3. My First Lynching Rope: The Game
My First Lynching Rope: The Game is a choking hazard in disguise as a harmless family game. If you think The Game of Life is destined to kill your little ones who eat the cars or peg-people, then you’re not worried enough. This game is enough to kill every member of the family, especially any adopted black ones.

The game revolves around getting enough people on your posse in order to lynch the person next to you. Everyone takes turns rolling dice and taking cards while moving around a board. Think of this like Mouse Trap, except you’re the mouse, the noose is the trap, and your neck is the end game. If you can’t play your card fast enough, or have a good enough one, it’s lights out.

What the manufacturer didn’t count on is most of your homes aren’t equipped to have this hang high enough, so you’ll end up either wrapping it around each others necks and pulling, or using something like a door you’ll hope is strong enough to hold up old fat Grannie Christine. There just isn’t enough through going into this game and it shows. Pass this up.

Jihad Jerry4. Jihad Jerry
I mean…wow… This is the follow up the the Ibraheem Toys’ 2014 break out gift My First Jihad. While not directly marketed as an infidel holiday gift, they sure like to time it that way. The packaging is grotesque and 100% real.

Packaging claims it’s “Everything you’ll need to end the Jewish and Christian infidels of their lives!” It contains a child’s Qu’Ran, prayer mat, 4lbs of active dynamite, mask and robe, remote detonation backup device, and a map to local Jewish temples.

The interior booklet claims:

As your children grow and learn, they’ll want to up the destructive force for the glory of Allah. Use this as a great follow up to your My First Jihad toy kit. Praise be to Allah! DEATH TO ALL INFIDELS!

Who are they kidding? The previous kit is almost a 100% death sentence to both your child and their entire day care, so there is no “…grow and learn…” involved. We are talking about Islam, after all. Also, much of the dynamite in the packaging is pretty old and very volatile, meaning there’s a good chance it’ll explode before you put it in a vest and go to school the following day to show off your toy. Pass.

Coke Head Charlene5. Friday Night: Coke Head Charlene
At least your kids are leaning a valuable lesson here: Cocaine is a party and designer drug. Unlike the Medicate Me: Molly! doll from 2014, this doll knows how to “Fuck It Up”, as the box says. This is almost a buy.

What makes this almost a buy? It comes with real cocaine! However, it only comes with 1 gram and a very small straw the doll can use. There are no refills available from the manufacturers, either. This means to get the fix the doll needs to continue being fun you’ll have to go into bad areas or convince the local pharmacist to give you some. You know, for your “nose injury”. Good luck with that. Cocaine is also very expensive, especially for twice cut Colombian. That shit is awesome.

If necessary, a supplemental toy for this one would be the Barbie Spy Squad Cat Burglar Doll which will help your precious angel break into houses and steal her friend’s stash!

Well, there you have another five toys W.A.T.C.H. didn’t care enough to warn you about. We warn you about them, because we care for you. Wrap you child in cling wrap all over their head and paint over it so they never see the horrors of the world. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!

What to actually do in a relationship

Yeah, this is kind of a response to something on another Xanga about the Top 10 Tings Not To Do In A Relationship.  Well, this is the actual list which will give you the edge in a relationship.

1)  Don’t let them think your kisses are only for them
This makes them feel special.  Let them think you’ll go out and kiss other people.  Just don’t do it…unless you have the opportunity with someone much hotter.  Let them know you can have someone else in the back pocket by the end of the week if they aren’t willing to play ball.

2)  Use your Special Other’s (S/O) hot family for a date when your S/O is away
If you need a date, at least ask your S/O’s hot family member out.  Spring it on them, too, and if at all possible, keep it a secret yourself so it spills out at a family get together they have later on.  Besides, if you’re dating someone who isn’t giving it up and you nail their hot relative, that’ll teach ’em good.

3)  Don’t date a Psychopath
No one is going to argue that psycho bitch sex isn’t some of the best you can ever have.  What you need to understand is that you shouldn’t be dating them.  Sexing them up over and over isn’t the same thing as going on dates, buying them gifts, and letting them stay over at your place.

Don’t let them meet your family, either.  The last thing you want them to think is that you’re willing to get serious with them.  Watch their eyes…psycho eyes are easy to spot.

4)  Don’t immediately answer your S/O’s phone calls/texts/e-mails/etc
No one likes a nagger.  Chances are, you’re going to be nagging your special someone when you are contacting them so much.  More than likely, you’re not someone that’s all that great to talk to.  Trust me on this: Just because you found someone doesn’t mean they want to listen to you bitch or talk about how great your nails are.

On a related note, you don’t want to ignore them completely.  Just let them know that you aren’t as interested as they think you should be.  After a while, they will shut the hell up and leave you be, meaning you have more time for the good stuff.

5)  Don’t give your S/O all your attention in public
Ignoring them makes them feel completely worthless, and this is a key point in a relationship.  As a man, you don’t want her to think she’s great, because she’ll look for someone better than you, even if she isn’t capable of getting it…no, especially if she isn’t capable of getting it.  Oh, and as a guy, trust me, you are never going to find a chick as hot as the one you are currently dating, so don’t think you’re going to go out there and find better.  You aren’t.

6)  Don’t let your emotions out
If you are feeling hurt or angry, don’t keep it inside and let it fester for months.  That is the only time you should let it out and throw it in their face.  Most people are dumb founded when this happens and it lets you get it out.

Any other time, keep your mouth shut.  The person who cares the most in a relationship is the weak link and at the disadvantage.  The person who doesn’t care as much has the power of the other person.  The best relationship you can have is when you don’t care as much, and as such, have no chance of getting hurt.

Another advantage to keeping your mouth shut is they will try ever harder each day to convince you to feel otherwise.  This means more gifts for you girls and more sex for you guys.

7)  Don’t hang on every word
Act like you’re listening, but let them know you’ve tuned them out.  Like anyone got into a relationship because someone was great to talk to…

8)  NEVER take the blame
Things are the other person’s fault most of the time.  Don’t yell because domestic violence laws are getting to the point where you can’t argue vocally anymore.  If someone else is at fault, make sure they know it and point it out in a logical sense.  Not chick logic, but actual logic.

Men state what they mean.  We don’t speak in riddles or have other motives.  If we ask, “What?” we mean “What?”  Don’t read into anything except face value.

9)  Stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy if sex is good
Don’t leave a relationship when the sex is killer.  Don’t do it.  The sex is good, so don’t leave.  Make sure you understand in your mind the relationship part is over, so you have other options.

The key here is to let them think they’re still in a relationship when you really aren’t.  This keeps that sex coming and makes the inevitable break up all that more tragic when she finds out you’re fucking her friend.

10)  Don’t get in a relationship as early and young as possible
Don’t be stupid and have a relationship in your young college years…shit even before 30 for you guys and maybe 24 for you women.  It’s the worst thing you can do.

Posted 3/29/2010 at 2:11 AM on Xanga