Want to stop bullying? Ask me how!

People fight...deal with it!
This has been pissing me off for a while. Everyone is on this “anti-bullying” kick and it’s become nothing more than a fucking meme. I hate memes, fads, and bandwagons. What I hate more are a bunch of worthless, weak individuals who think crying about everything and waiting for others do things for them is the solution to problems. Along the same hate lines, I hate people who think they can push people around with absolutely no consequence, and do everything they can to make sure you can’t.

There are a ton, and I do mean a ton, of bullshit “inspirational” images out there on the web, articles in magazines, commercials and even stupid campaigns about bullying. They’re worthless. No matter how many commercials you have, no matter how many images you make, and no matter how many retarded pink shirts you all wear one day a year, you aren’t going to stop bullying. Why? Because it’s human nature and bullying is actually necessary.

Oh, and no, this write up won’t be in list form. I’m sick of that, too. This also isn’t a “How To Guide” in my traditional “How To Guide” sense.

Part of the problem with bullying these days is the fact almost everything is considered bullying. Did someone call someone stupid for asking how to chew gum? BULLYING! Did someone push a kid who was too scared to go down the slide and was frozen crying their eyes out down the slide to get them off of it? BULLYING! Did someone demand work get done as fast as possible all the time while never thanking anyone for them doing their job? BULLYING! Did someone get teased for doing not just one thing, but many things like a moron? BULLYING! Did someone get told their mismatched clothing, done on purpose, doesn’t look good? BULLYING! Did someone not get treated as a perfect, unique, beautiful snowflake? BULLYING!

Eat shit, nerd!None of that is bullying! Just because another person doesn’t like you and lets you know, does not mean you’re not being bullied.

Bullying is when a specific target is selected for constant physical, emotional and/or financial abuse without warrant with the specific intent to cause harm be it physically, emotionally and/or financially. If someone is constantly being beaten up and having their money stolen by the same person, then that’s bullying. If a person is constantly forced into a corner while they are berated with insults until they cry and it goes on every time they are seen by the individual doing the insults, that’s bullying. If a person is beaten up for no other reason than to be beaten up by the same person or people at all times randomly, that’s bullying. Basically, the democratic party if you want a political connection.

So, you’re probably wondering at this point when I’m going to get on about how to stop the actual bullying. I’m getting to that, you impatient bastards. ˂fake crying>Stop bullying me!!! WAAAAA!!!!˂/fake crying>

One for sure way to do it is to stop teaching people they are special and should be respected no matter what. Heads up, fuck heads, you aren’t special, you aren’t unique, and you sure as shit aren’t a beautiful snowflake to be cherished. Just because you are alive on this planet doesn’t mean you are worth it. Just because you are unique does not mean you are useful. Just because you are special does not mean you are welcome. Stop thinking your existence is enough to be left alone or not be bothered. Stop teaching your children they are special to the world. Very few will be and the vast majority of the population as a whole is only alive thanks to modern medicine and conveniences.

Boo hoo, bitch!  So long!Look at what happened to Rebecca Sedwick. She committed suicide because of bullies at school and on Facebook. Why she didn’t delete her Facebook or put it on private or anything else, I don’t know. Actually, I do know…she was a fucking idiot. One of the two girls arrested even claimed, “Yes ik I bullied REBECCA nd she killed her self but IDGAF”. Good for her. Do you people not understand these bullies don’t fucking care about you? Almost the entire god damn world doesn’t give a fuck about you. Welcome to the real world, Rebecca Sedwick, it’s too bad you couldn’t deal with it and left, but most of us aren’t even sad about it. One less overly emotional, bat shit crazy bitch to spread her weakness to future generations.

The ones to blame are Rebecca, her friends, and her family. Her parents not only should have been more active in her life, but they should have taught her to deal with it and fight back. Her death is on her parent’s hands. Mr and Mrs Sedwick, this message is for you: You’re 50% responsible for you daughter’s suicide while 5% of it goes to the “bullies”, 5% to her friends/extended family and 40% on Rebecca herself. She wasn’t a wonderful, beautiful girl with so much to offer.

Harsh? Too fucking bad. As I said, welcome to the real world. If you can’t hang, then hang yourself. If you need help, here’s some help: Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time! Link will open in a separate window.

We can’t end bullying by trying to force people to care about everyone. I can’t be bothered to give a shit about everyone on this planet. There’s really only so much love in a heart to give, and with God, family, a very select group of friends, and America, there’s really nothing left in there.

What we can do to help curb this behavior, is not only by no longer teaching people they should be respected just for living and coddling them, but teaching them how to deal with it better. You’re going to be made fun of, you’re going to learn most of the world doesn’t care if you live or die, you’re going to meet people who don’t like you and you’re going to never fit in with anything other than a specific, and often very small, group of people. I don’t mean by going out and hitting a punching bag or by crying to a psychologist (can’t spell psycho without psychologist), oh no. There are much better ways. One is getting physical either by yourself or with a large group of people who are fed up with it, or by understanding if you are intentionally putting yourself outside of the society norm, you’ll be treated that way.

If you’re dressing like a depressing fuck and talking about suicide, then people are going to fucking avoid you. If you’re only ever talking about My Little Pony and you’re a 13 year old boy, then you’re going to be teased! If you sit around with braces drooling, whining when you sneeze because it hurts, are allergic to your own snot, and try to get the jocks to play the most recent edition of Dungeons and Dragons, then expect to get pushed around. If you just cower and cry when your own shadow is in front of you, then you’re going to get your ass kicked! Humans don’t like anything not associated with “normal human”, and those things aren’t “normal human”. Not everyone has an IQ over 98 here in America and most jocks have an IQ even lower than that. My tested IQ with MENSA is 136 about two weeks prior to this writing, which explains why everyone around me seems so god damn stupid.

Try and take it, pussy!What you need to do is learn to not give one fuck about it. Don’t like the social norms? Fine, then do what you want, but don’t expect everyone to accept it. After all, you aren’t being like them because they are a certain way, so why get whiny over all of it when they act the way you are intentionally avoiding? Own what you are. When you don’t give one fuck about it, people don’t feel like bothering you. It’s only when you start giving an emotional response do they continue on. Some people tease me about the colored grip and coloring on my gun, but do you think I give a shit? Nope. I think it looks bad ass, and I shoot better than 90% of anyone I meet. Not to mention, how pissed off are you going to be if I drill you with a blue “sparkly” gun? Yeah…probably very. Not to mention, how confident must I be to open carry that? Yep. Very.

Learning to deal with it is the first step to being a well rounded individual with a healthy mental state.

One of the best, and my favorite ways, of fixing this problem is violence. Violence is always an answer, but it has to be done right. You can’t be like these twats who believe shooting up everyone is the answer. No, just violence against the person or people directly involved. If you feel violence is never an answer, then please give me your address so I can take over every aspect of your life. Just remember, you can’t fight back physically, as you are “better” than that.

What I’m getting at here is to teach people to fight the fuck back. People push others around because there are no consequences to them. A bully is a bully until they meet another bully. Then they are either friends or a pussy. Give a bully some consequence and they tend to calm the hell down. The reason people, in major cities especially, perform robberies in liquor stores or pedestrians is because they know people have been told to “Just give it up!” The clerk’s aren’t allowed to do anything except hand over money, and people on the street are so neutered, they don’t know how to fight back. States with Stand Your Ground laws kick ass and crime in legal citizens armed areas is always lower.

Fighting back kicks ass. Even though violence isn’t necessarily the first response, it should be at least the second option. You can’t reason with a bully. You can’t make nice with a bully. You can’t talk a bully down…unless you talk them down with a real threat of violence which won’t end well for them. Schools don’t seem to understand this.

I remember telling my youngest brother, who was attacked without provocation and was being suspended for simply being involved in a fight, even though he didn’t fight back, right in front of his principal the next time I have to come and get him for getting suspended over a fight, he better hit the kid in the back of the head with a brick. After all, if he was going to get suspended it better damn well be worth it.

The law says you can fight back. Fuck what you believe is polite or socially acceptable. Defend yourself and fight! Your happiness, well being, and safety is completely up to you. Even if you can get someone else to give a shit about any of that for you, they aren’t going to do it forever. You have to fight back.

Violence has solved most of the problems in the world. It’ll solve your bully problem, too.

Valentine’s Day is not really a holiday!

Let's Get Drunk and Screw
Ah yes, February 14th, better known as Valentine’s Day. At least, it’s better known to all those annoying women out there who are looking forward to getting more shit they don’t deserve, but not so much for us guys. There are a multitude of reasons why men simply hate this Hallmark holiday. The only reason men go through the motions of this moronic day is to get pussy around their dick. Yes, we only do it for sex.

First of all, when it comes to Valentine’s Day, men don’t like crap. Teddy bears, chocolate, romantic movies, flowers, expensive dinners, talking: You know, crap! None of these things were invented with a man in mind. Sure, every so often some queer will go along with you women to a romantic movie because they want to, but don’t get that confused with men going to see romantic movies.

While I’m talking about crap that are given as gifts on V-Day, this is another area men get screwed on, and not in the good way. We see it up to a week before Valentine’s: Some poor pussy whipped bitch of a man is running ragged trying to find that perfect gift for his unappreciative woman. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are a very small few of you chicks out there that actually don’t freak when a man doesn’t give you any thing except for a small box of candy hearts. I’m not talking to you.

Valentine’s Day is NOT supposed to be a quest for the perfect present. Yet, we always see the aforementioned guy having a hernia in fear that his gift isn’t going to get him poontang, so he buys three times the amount of gifts he should have. Sometimes, the ungrateful bitch STILL won’t put out!!!! The only thing you should expect is a smile and a “Happy Valentine’s Day!” when we see you. Just because you have a vagina doesn’t mean you are entitled to anything because of that fact.

As I’ve been saying, it’s a Hallmark holiday. That means it’s basically made up so certain people can make more money. Now, I’m all for businesses making money, but I’m not all for creating a holiday to do it. I’m not going to insist on a “Advertising Production Artists Day” in order to force people to give me more money. Like Hallmark hasn’t cornered the market enough as it is! There are cards ranging from “Get Well Soon” to “Commit Suicide, You Lazy Fuck”.

Hmm…I’m on the subject of Hallmark, who makes cards, and Valentine’s Day at the same time. Good time to bring up a damn good point when it comes to cards. Don’t expect us to write anything else in the fucking card nor get pissed when we don’t! There is already writing on the inside of the card, so there is no point in writing anything else. I’m not paying $5.95 for Hallmark to write what I was thinking or want you to believe what I was thinking, just so that I have to actually write something more in the damn card! If I wanted you to know what the hell I was thinking, I would tell you. Men don’t talk about their feelings, so Hallmark does it for us!

Come on, do women REALLY need a special day just for them? Of course not. This further places the idea in their head that they deserve something just for being women! The only thing they really deserve is to be at the end of your penis, and they should be damn happy to be there since you were even willing to talk to her.

Now, there are certain instances when Valentine’s Day an be good. Actually, only one, really…and that’s if the chick’s birthday is on Valentine’s Day. I know what you’re thinking guys, “But doesn’t that complicate matters even more?!” HELL NO! This is great! With minimal effort, both issues are dealt with at once. Not only are you giving her birthday presents, you’re also giving her V-Day presents. This makes you seem sweet when you’re still being a huge asshole to keep her self esteem down!

V-Day is the time to get your balls relieved, guys, because there are so many desperate and lonely women out there. Look, no one is saying that you have to hold their hand in the mall nor marry them, so it really doesn’t matter if she’s a 5 or a 6. This is a one time bang, or you can keep her around for later booty calls. Remember, you’re not looking for a relationship, now are you? Oh, fuck no. Besides, Valentine’s Day is the worst time to look for one anyway, since the women are desperate and usually turn very pyscho because of it.

There are only three things you need to remember. These are the three “F’s” of dating: Find them, Feed them, Fuck them. That’s it. Oh, and make sure you either do it at a willing buddy’s house or her place. You don’t want to let her know where you live. Also, keep it under $40 for the night. No reason to spend all that money on some cheap whore you picked up to just screw and/or keep around for booty calls. If she thinks you’re willing to spend money, she’ll hang around expecting you to spend it all on her. Don’t let her.

Well, there it is, out in the open, the truth about Valentine’s Day and why men hate it. If a guy gets you anything, ladies, you best at least suck his dick. Lord knows he did it just because he felt the responsibility to, and this means you now have a responsibility of your own!


Oiriginally posted 05/04/2006 by me on OpenDiary-“Ramblings of the Sunrie”

What is wrong with you gay groups?!


Seriously! What the hell is wrong with you gay groups?! Are you all so fucking sensitive and brain dead everything is a god damn fucking offense to you? Do you not know how to separate someone’s personal beliefs from a show, a business, or anything else?

SPOILER ALERT! No, you do NOT.

Just recently the special interest group known as GLAAD threw a huge shit-storm of butt hurt (see what I did there?) over a magazine interview of Phil Robertson, founder of Duck Commander and a star on the TV Show Duck Dynasty, in which he was asked his personal beliefs as to what he thought was a sin. His response was to start with homosexuality and then branch off from there.

So? He didn’t say the show stood for it. He didn’t say the business stood for it. He was asked his fucking, god damn personal beliefs! Yet these pieces of shit went out with pitchforks and torches after A&E to get him removed from the show. What…the…fuck…

Don’t like someone’s political or religious beliefs? EAT SHIT AND DEAL WITH IT. STOP strong arming your special interest and fascism on everyone else, you fucks!

You homosexuals/queers/faggots/flap-lickers/dikes don’t even know what you’re complaining and crying over anymore. You don’t know what the difference between tolerance and acceptance is, and you don’t have a fucking clue as to what equal rights actually is. No, it’s all about special treatments and semantics with you idiots. Maybe if you pulled your heads out of each other’s poop-chute/baby-canals for ten minutes you’d realize you aren’t being oppressed, you’re just a bunch of assholes.

Here’s a novel idea for a change: Claim you don’t agree with what was said, leave the show the fuck alone, and offer to provide information you feel is right to the person to help “educate” (sieg heil!) them on the issue. No, you won’t do that, though. You also won’t go after anyone else spewing hate speech because you agree with it. You pieces of shit claim to be going against hate and defamation, but you don’t go after people who burn churches, bomb abortion clinics, send death threats to Christian organizations, call for the death of certain celebrities, and many other hate filled occurrences.

You go after a chain of restaurants because someone who works there gave his personal beliefs, you go after actors who don’t believe in your homosexual lifestyle being natural (unless it’s someone like Alec Baldwin because you otherwise agree with his political views) when it’s not, and you go after a network to take off one of the off-and-on people for a show you have absolutely no right to after making a statement in an interview when asked his personal beliefs on what sin is. You people are terrible human beings. Not because of your lifestyle choices, but because of how you act.

Oh…what’s that you say? It’s not a choice? You’re born that way? Okay, then you have a birth defect. If GLAAD and other gay special interest groups admit to it being a birth defect, everyone would stop making fun of you so much. We’d understand the reason a lot of your male members are marching around in a parade for “pride” while wearing tiny shorts, makeup, and a dildo strapped to the outside of their ass while screaming, “oooooooOOOooooo!!!” is just because they have a birth defect and they can’t help it. After all, the general public doesn’t openly make fun of the poor kid with down-syndrome struggling to say he needs help with something. Yes, you’re the same as the kid with the water wings and a helmet running around the mall drooling on himself.

It’s a birth defect if you’re born with incorrect coding.

Yes, please leave messages. Please spread this around your little gay groups and blow this page up. It’s funny and you’ll be proving me right on how hate filled you are. You pieces of shit will focus on one or two words in this entire entry and use that to try to come at me. Good luck with that. My stats will go up, my Internet presence will go up, and more people will read my entries.

Be gay, I don’t give a damn, but stop being such a piece of shit.

Mancation…STOP THIS!

For the love of god, stop this “mancation” bullshit. Just because you’re male and going on a vacation, it does not mean you’re on a fucking mancation. You know…just stop combining words, you morons. You aren’t creative, you aren’t smart, and you aren’t being original. Unless it’s something like the unholy offspring of a coyote and an owl, there is no reason to make two words a smoosh into one.

From here on out, every time I hear someone use the term “mancation” I am going to take a huge dump on a newborn puppy and light a baby on fire. Yes, both, not just one, but both. If the person is close enough to me, I am first going to gut them and dump their body in an allyway. It’s going to be so frightening, the new guys will be puking their brains out while the detectives will hug every single child they meet from that day on, just to remind themselves things aren’t as bad as they think it is.

“What do you think happened here, man?”

“Well, his stomach has been ripped out and his tongue was pulled down from his throat, out the hole, and then shoved up his ass. The penis has been cut off, a stick making it erect, and shoved up his throat to make it look like a tongue. The eyeballs have been removed and glued to his head…”

“Best guess?”

“Yep, this dumbass used the term ‘mancation’. He got what he deserved. Justifiable homicide. No arrests are going to be needed. Let’s go get a pizza.”

That is how common it’ll become if you idiots keep using these moronic terms. Cops are going to take one look at the brutality and just not be affected by it anymore should this term become a household term. I will never be prosecuted even this day in age. I’ll just tell me, “Mancation was used!” and they’ll give me a fucking parade.

A mancation isn’t a bunch of guys going out on vacation. A mancation isn’t taking a trip to see family. A mancation isn’t going on a small trip with you buddies. A real mancation is doing something manly. Here’s a small example of what would should and shouldn’t be referenced as a fucking “mancation”.

Climb Mt. Everest with just a few guidesMANLY!
That would be a mancation. Climbing a 24K’ peak with no friends and just a few guides to make sure your dead body comes down the mountain is manly and can be considered a mancation. Hiking around a state park like Mt. Shasta is not a the same thing.

Deep sea dive into a newly discovered shipwreckMANLY!
Yes! This is MANLY! Extra bonus points for diving into a wreck thought lost hundreds of years ago and you helped to recently discovery it. This would be a mancation. However, if you’re doing it for a job, then it’s not a mancation.

Touring rose gardensBITCH STATUS!
This is NOT a mancation! I don’t give a damn if the gardens have taken months to grow into elaborate designs. There is nothing manly about flowers, unless you’re burning down a botanical garden.

Bull fight trainingMANLY!
Sure, if it’s not your job and you’re spending a few weeks learning how to become a bull fighter for no reason other than interest. Again, if it’s your job, it’s not a mancation. If it’s just one of your stops, it’s not a mancation…unless the vacation stops detail other things such as the next thing…

Sex tourMANLY!
Yep, this is manly and is therefore considered a mancation. If you’re a woman doing this, then it’s a slutcation, which isn’t quite the same thing.

Vegas trip with “the boys”NOT MANLY!*
Just going to Las Vegas with your friends to drink, do drugs, and gamble is not manly. Everyone does it.

*Now, if you’re going to Las Vegas with the plan of killing a hooker or two or three, knocking up every stripper in two strip clubs, locking a tiny Asian in a car trunk only to leave him in the desert to die, all the while firing off fully automatic firearms over a residential neighborhood…now that would be manly and classifiable as a mancation.

Going huntingNOT MANLY ENOUGH!
Going hunting isn’t a mancation…it’s just a camping trip with guns and killing an animal. That’s not manly enough to be a mancation. Plenty of men do it and women, too. If you’re going lion hunting with only a knife…well, that’s mancation worthy.

Road trip from anywhere to anywhereNOT MANLY!
No, taking a road trip, even by motorcycle, is not a mancation! You’re just driving or riding your motorcycle. Big fucking deal.

Horse back trip from one state to the next without using main roadsMANLY!
Traveling on horseback from one state to another, and maybe even more, is manly. Dealing with the constant butt rash alone is enough to classify this as manly. If you’re doing this as part of a job or some bullshit dude ranch tour, then it’s not a mancation. It’s also not a mancation if you have a ton of store bought mixes. No, you must get your supplies together and go way off the populated paths and stay off of them until you reach your destination.

Calling something a mancationNEGATES ALL POSSIBLE MANCATIONS STATUS!
Just because you call something a mancation doesn’t make it a mancation. Matter of fact, if you call something a mancation, you instantly make it a bitchcation. Period.
 
 
I could go on, but my head hurts and I need to skin a newborn.

Love advice from Love Guru Sunrie

Do you have love problems?  Do you have problems finding love?  Do you have problems just trying to understand how to do things?  Well, fear not!  For Guru Sunrie shall assist you in your love’s labour’s lost!  Unlike others out on the Internet, I am not charging you a single fraction of currency for this type of help.  I do this as a service of love and not a service of profit.

Not long ago I requested everyone on Xanga and on several other sites to send me their love problems so that I may help them.  I have finally been able to compile the answers to the most serious of all the questions.  Worry not, readers, for I have changed the names of all who submitted their problems.  Without further adieu, let’s begin!


Craig’s List Love
From: Wanky Panky
Help me out!

I’m a huge pervert, and so under pseduonyms, I posted ways to contact me for like minded people. I get a message from a guy, saying that his ex is a nympho. Loves sex. She has a boyfriend, but still fools around with him. She just can’t get enough. Heres the problem:  She tells him he should get guys from the internet for her. Turns out, I’m the first guy that he messaged, that is in the area, and isn’t a creep. She looks great, (great pics!) and they’d like to set up a meeting, (In a public place) where we all get to know each other. If things go well, and she likes me, I get to have lots of perverted sex with her.

So, should I go along with it? Or do you think its just a gay guy? Or are they going to rob me? (I have nothing to lose, except my pride.) Please, please, help me Dr. Sunrie.

Reply:
I thought you said they were looking for someone who wasn’t a creep?  Sounds pretty creepy to me. But, hey, I’ve been told that a guy spanking a Pikachu doll while drunk and naked shouldn’t judge.

I’d say send a friend in your place and watch from a distance.  That way, if they are looking to cut off his balls instead of letting him have sex with her, you can just pretend it’s a reality sex show…and you keep your balls.  If he does get some, then you can join in next time!


Milk Maid Love
From: Nonny
I met a girl at milk bar, but she looked at me like I was an idiot for coming to a bar that serves milk. So I followed her outside, we talked, and then we became girl friend and boy friend…

2 months later…We are still dating but she is acting as if I am not around.  What’s wrong?

Reply:
You’re obviously spending too much time with her.  Start ignoring her and go out with your friends instead.  Then, when she asks why you aren’t spending any time with her, simply let her know that you lost interest after trying to get her attention.  That or just screw her bestfriend/sister.  That’ll teach her.


Friend Zone
From:
Lovey Dovey Girl
i need some help this guy likes me & he keep’s flritng w/ me but he is going out w/ my friend & i told her wt he was doing but she just lafe at me & said “thats a good 1” but she did tell him to stop w/e he was doing………..i like him to & he’s cute & he just called me becaues she broke up w/ him 4 that but he only does it w/ me she said……so i dont no wt to do because he will proble ask me out tomarro! PLEZ HELP!

Reply:
Well, all you have to do is call him and say you’re naked when he gets there.  If he shows up, you know he likes you.  If he doesn’t…well he’s gay.


Dumping Ground
From: Junebug
A boy dumped me, and now is saying things that make it seem like he thinks we’re dating. How do I inform him that we aren’t dating, and haven’t been since he dumped me, without causing massive drama?

Reply:
Stop having sex with him.  That pretty much puts a complete stop to everything.  Don’t pretend you aren’t still screwing, either.


Harry and his Hendersons
From:
Not a Metro
I have been dating this girl for about 6 months now and we have a wonderful relationship. But she doesnt like that Im all hairy, she wants me to shave my back, chest, and…. well you know. Im not a fag, and I like being a manly man, but she wont have sex with me until I do. What should I do?

Reply:
I’m going to have to side with her on this one.  No one wants to sleep with a bear no matter what the supposed lesson of “Girl Sleeps with Beasts 3” porn wanted to teach you.

However, I’m not so sure you should be going shaving your junk.  I mean, that’s a mark of pride right there.  She should be rather proud of your man-mane.  Also, there’s little more painful than knicking the ‘ole alien brain, if you know what I mean.  Look at it this way: You’ll swim faster, run faster, and even slide out of bed easier.  Just don’t remove your lion’s hair.  Don’t want to look French or anything.  Lastly, you can’t be a big manly-man without having sex; so keep that in mind!


Handcuffs are Rings, Too
From:
Wed Locked
Here’s my situation. I’m married now.  Help me!

Reply:
Oh man…I’m sorry to hear that.  My only suggestion to you is role playing.  Yes, role playing.  I’m not talking about just any RP, I’m talking true to life, live action.  When she comes in wearing her sexy little genie outfit, put on your mage’s hat and robe, then cast level three sexuality on her.  You won’t be sorry.


Wishy Washy Wuv
From:
Red Almight
I need your advice..There is this girl I like who I get along with really well..I’ve talked to her about going out..But she seems to want to change the subject..But the thing is, Her freind tells me she likes me..Please..What in gods name am I supposed to do!?

Reply:
Fuck her friend.  That’ll teach the bitch.


The Ink is Permanent
From:
Worcester Sauce
Okay. I was with a girl for nearly 4 years (I was 11 when I met her), I promised her one day I would get a tattoo of her name somewhere on my body. So, on my 15th Birthday I decided to keep to my end of the bargain and got the tattoo, high up on the top meaty part of my thigh.

Obviously most relationships end on a sour note, and ours was no exception. We split, I wanted her back badly. I nagged and nagged and eventually gave up all hope. About 2 months after my ‘giving up’ she come’s back to me and tell’s me she want’s to give it another shot, I tell her to fuck off and we fall out of friendship as well as love.

Present day, I’m 19 and I still love her dearly. I still have the tattoo (which is three letters long ‘PEP’ short for Pepita. Feel free to make the Salt on one leg and pepper on the other joke). Problem is she aint at all bothered and only thinks of me as a mate. Should I get the bad boy covered up and move on? Should I continue having meaningless drunken one night stands? Or should I ask her father to sell her to me for a bag of magic beans?

Reply:
Cover it up and move on, are you kidding me?  This is your chance to get the tail you could only beg for, my friend.  This is a sure fire way to find out if the next woman is going to be worth it.  I am talking about, of course, an exciting threesome.  If the girl thinks it’s hot or sweet that you have her name on your leg, time to start asking about her sister or her best friend joining you both in the bedroom.  Remember to send me pictures.


Dirty Deeds
From:
Honker
Sunrie! Help! My girlfriend is mad at me because I told all my friends about us doing it in the “dirty” hole…you know…the dark ally in the back…  How can I calm her down?!

Reply:
Allow me to congratulate you on hitting her in the shitter.  Easiest way is to stick a cock in her mouth.  Otherwise, just dump her.  I mean, you already punched in her backdoor, so what more could there be?


There you have it from the mouth of a true master.  Remember, whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right!


Posted 2/18/2013 at 12:34 AM Xanga

Sultons of Sex with Osh and Gosh: Transcript 2

—The following is a partial transcript from the radio show “Sultans of Sex with Osh and Gosh” —

Gosh:
Hellllooooo, listeners!

Osh:
Yes, what’s up, our loyal minions.  You’re listening to Sultans of Sex with Osh and Gosh.  As if you didn’t know, I’m Osh.

Gosh:
So that obviously makes me Gosh.  Dr. Modjucawk won’t be joining us tonight.  I know, I know, it’s not a big deal.  I’m sure you’re as relieved as I am.

Osh:
What the hell is the problem between you two, anyway?

Gosh:
Philosophical differences, that’s all.

Osh:
Phili…what?!  We’ve never talked about philosophies on this program.

Gosh:
Look, if hanging out at the mall oggling jailbait and then masturbating about it later is wrong, I don’t give a damn to be right!

Osh:
Dude!

Gosh:
Moving on…

Osh:
Yes…good idea…  Like the Amber Alert here said, Dr. Modjucawk will not be with us.  In his place, we have behavioral specialist, Professor Hugh Morris.

Prof. Morris:
Thank you, guys, great to be here, thanks for having me!

Gosh:
Oh, you haven’t been had just yet, Professor.

Prof. Morris:
You know, Gosh, your obsession with sex doesn’t so much as intrigue me as it does have me concerned for you over your past.  Were you inappropriately touched when you were a child?

*five seconds of dead air*

*laughing from both Osh and Prof. Morris is heard as Gosh begins talking*

Gosh:
So, first caller, your name is Joann, from Austin, Texas.  For the record, it wasn’t inappropriate!

Joann:
Heeeey, guuuuys.

*Osh, Gosh, and Prof. Morris all speak at the same time*

Gosh:
Hey! Yeah, wow!

Osh:
Heeeeey yourself!

Prof. Morris:
Well, hello, Joann!

Joann:
Thanks.  It’s nice to actually get through to talk to you.  Um…yeah, so I have a few questions.

Osh:
Well, you only get one.  So what one do you REALLY want an answer to?

Gosh:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, because if we let everyone ask whatever and however many they wanted, it would be their show and not ours.

Joann:
Yeah, well, umm…okay…  I guess I should ask the important one.

Prof. Morris:
Okay, if I may?  Not that it matters here.

*Osh and Gosh can be heard laughing*

Prof. Morris:
This is obviously something bothering you and you’re embarrassed about it or else you wouldn’t be taking so long to ask it.  Come on.  Out with it.

*Joann can be heard sighing*

Joann:
Okay, so I finally did something with my boyfriend that we shouldn’t have probably done in the first place over a vacation and I know what it means to me, and …

*Gosh can be heard half-whispering in the background*

Gosh:
He so got laid!

Joann:
… I don’t know what it means to him, but to me …

*Osh can be heard half-whispering in the background*

Osh:
This chick is a whiner…

Joann:
… it means that he’ll actually propose.

Osh:
Joann…that isn’t a question.

Gosh:
Yeah, no kidding.  A question goes UP at the end.

*Prof. Morris can be heard with a moderately hard laugh*

Joann:
Up?  I don’t get it…  What does that mean?

*Osh and Gosh can be heard laughing very hard in the background*

Prof. Morris:
While my friends here have a conniption fit, let me explain what it probably means to him.  Obviously to you, it’s something you take very seriously and you’d only do it with someone you believe will be around forever, right?

Joann:
Right…

Prof. Morris:
Right.  Okay, well men are hard wired for sex, that much is pretty obvious to everyone.  Women, however, have all these emotions and ideals tied into it these days.  The point here is, it was an end to the work he put in.

Joann:
Oh…so, is he like going to …

Gosh:
Joann!

Joann:
… leave me now?

Gosh:
JOANN!

Joann:
…yes?

Prof. Morris:
Hold on there, Gosh.  Joann, how old are you?

Joann:
Seventeen…

Prof. Morris:
Okay, seriously, especially at that age, what a guys is looking …

Joann:
All we did was make out…

Gosh:
Excuse me?

Osh:
Seriously?!

Joann:
Well, I mean, I don’t just make out with anyone!

*three seconds of silence*

Joann:
Um…hello?

Prof. Morris:
No, we’re still here, Joann.  You’ve lived a sheltered life, haven’t you?

Joann:
Well…yeah, I mean, I just was moved down from a small town of twenty people up in the mountains a year ago.

*Osh, Gosh, and Prof. Morris all groan and laugh a little*

Prof. Morris:
Okay, then even more so, Joann.  Don’t worry about it.  I’m sure you’re fine.

Osh:
And I’m sure you’ll be pregnant in a week.

Joann:
Oh god!  Is that how it happens?!

*caller is hang up on*

Gosh:
ENOUGH!  Sorry to hang up on her…no, you know what?  Forget it, I’m NOT sorry.  I can’t take anymore from her.

Osh:
Okay, Prof. Morris, I gotta ask you…what’s up with people that shelter their children like that.

Prof. Morris:
These are generally people who had made a lot of mistakes in their own life and believe that by keeping their children in a little, windowless box, as it were, they will be better off for it and not make those same mistakes.

Gosh:
So, basically, whores.

Prof. Morris:
Uh, no, actually.  While there is no reason to believe that keeping your children sheltered from certain things will do them harm, there’s evidence to prove that other things children are exposed to will do them good.

Osh:
Okay, we’re done with this serious stuff.  Let’s take another caller.  Welcome to the Sultan’s of Sex!  James, I think it is.  You’re thirty five from Brick, New Jersey.  How are you, buddy?

James:
I’m actually doing great, guys!  How about you all?

Prof. Morris:
We’re doing fine here.  What is it that you need?

James:
Well, like you said, I’m thirty five.  I think I’m pretty good looking and …

Gosh:
It doesn’t matter what you think.

James:
What’s that?

Osh:
Nothing, James, continue.

James:
Yeah, so I met this little twenty year old hottie and she bangs like a god damn mink.

Gosh:
Hey, whoa, watch the language.  So what’s the problem?

James:
Oh, there’s no problem, I’m just telling EVERYONE.

*caller hangs up*

*Osh, Gosh, and Prof. Morris all laugh really hard as the caller hangs up*

Prof. Morris:
Do you want to know why that is so great to him?

Osh:
No, I’m sure that I can figure that one out.

*Prof. Morris laughs*

*Osh speaks in a bad New Jersey accent*

Osh:
Stinking, mook.

Gosh:
So, who else do we have on the line?

Prof. Morris:
Oh, I like this one.  Chris!

Chris:
Uh, hello?

Prof. Morris:
Yes, hello, Chris!  It says here that you think you might be a furry.

Chris:
Yeah, I’m starting to feel that way.

Gosh:
Hold on…what in the hell is a furry?  Like…a really hairy Italian?

Osh:
What have I told you about making fun of the dago-wops, Gosh?

Chris:
No, it’s someone who likes…well…

Prof. Morris:
Let me explain this one, Chris.  Imagine the hottest female you can, Gosh.

Gosh:
Done…and I’m getting a raging boner.

Prof. Morris:
Okay, good!  Good!

Gosh:
Not really, my pants are getting really, really short.

*Osh can be heard laughing in the background*

Prof. Morris:
Now, picture that women has all the same features and curves, but is actually a human sized and proportioned llama.

*there is two seconds of silence*

Gosh:
And my pants fit better once again.

Chris:
Well, I’m not actually into the llamas.

Osh:
Uh…good?  Why do you think that you might be a furry?

Gosh:
No, seriously, I think I just threw up a little.

Chris:
You don’t have to be rude about this!

Gosh:
Oh, I absolutely DO have to.  The reason …

*the sound of a hand being placed over a microphone is heard*

Prof. Morris:
Ignore him, Chris.  Go ahead and answer the question.

Chris:
Well, I saw a few of the drawings and I got turned on.  Now when I look for porn, I’m looking up the fur fetish.

Gosh:
So, let me get this straight…you want to nail an animal?

Chris:
No, it’s not like that.

Gosh:
Bull *censor beep*, man!  You’re looking up pictures of animals that look like humans to justify your bestiality!

Prof. Morris:
In a way, yes, but not exactly.

Osh:
Prof. Morris, don’t try to explain this one to Gosh.  It’s just not going to happen.

Chris:
It’s something that just started, too.  I haven’t always wanted to look at it and it wasn’t something that I actively looked for before.

Osh:
You know what?  There’s actually someone here who’s had an encounter with someone who was into this.

Prof. Morris:
Really?

Gosh:
Oh, god no…

Prof. Morris:
What’s going on?  Who?

Osh:
Is he here?  Yes?  Hey, come on in here, Bob.

Bob the Angry Midget:
Prepare for an ass raping!  It’s Bob, the angry midget!  How you *censor beep* doing?

Gosh:
Seriously?  Bob, you’ve had a bestiality experience?

Bob the Angry Midget:
No, you sloppy puto.  It was this hot chick I met in a bar.  She was a real freak.  Like banging a pampas bull, man.

Osh:
So, you’ve banged bulls?

Bob the Angry Midget:
*censor beep* you, man!  I’m just using that as an example for your little freak parade here.

Prof. Morris:
Is there a point to all of this?

Bob the Angry Midget:
Don’t question me, maggot!  I may be an angry wee person, but I will *censor beep* your mom and your sister in front of you!

*Osh and Gosh can be heard laughing extremely hard*

Prof. Morris:
Good lord…

Bob the Angry Midget:
Anyway, so it was this chick who was all freaky as hell, right?  I knew she liked it because she kept screaming like a cat in a stretcher, right?  Things were going great, but then started with this, “*censor beep* me like a pony!  *censor beep* me like a pony!”

Gosh:
…you’ve got to be kidding…

Bob the Angry Midget:
Hell no, bitch!  Listen to what I’m saying!  I was all like, “Damn right!”  It was all fine and I was just going with it.  It only got weird when I put the saddle on her and rode her around her living room from behind.

*Osh, Gosh, Prof. Morris and Chris can all be heard laughing*

Bob the Angry Midget:
It was like the wheel barrow, but she had a saddle on her back and bit in her mouth.  I normally talk about grabbing a chicks’ hair and using it like reigns…but I actually had a hold of some reigns!

Gosh:
Okay, okay…I guess it can’t be all that bad, then.

Bob the Angry Midget:
She was insane, but had a snatch like velvet candy!  Everyone has to afford baby formula some how!

*Osh, Gosh, Prof. Morris and Chris can be heard laughing again*

Prof. Morris:
Now that we all have a better understanding of…well, Bob’s sex life …

Bob the Angry Midget:
You don’t know the *censor beep* half of that *censor beep*, queer!

*Osh, Gosh, and Chris can be heard laughing*

Prof. Morris:
Okay, okay, okay!  Anyway, it’s probably just a phase you’re going through, Chris.  You’re still finding yourself and what gets you going.  There are a lot of websites and furry meets for you to attend to see if it’s something that you are actually into.

Chris:
Thanks, Prof. Morris.  Thanks Osh, thanks Gosh!

*caller hangs up*

Bob the Angry Midget:
What a prick!  He didn’t thank me!  I usually sell those stories to sex sites and I gave it to him for free.  *censor beep* you, Chris!  If you ever have a daughter, I will *censor beep* her in front of you!

Osh:
Well, I think it’s time for a commercial.  Coming up, more calls…duh!

*musical bump featuring “Animal I Have Become” by Three Days Grace begins*

Bob the Angry Midget:
I’m outta here, bitches.  Just let me know if you need more of my brain power!

*musical bump slowly fades out as commercial break begins*

*musical bump featuring “My Band” by D12 featuring Eminem slowly fades in*

Gosh:
You’re listening to Sultans of Sex with Osh and Gosh here on W-ASS, the only FM Talk Radio, 169.9 on your FM Dials.

*musical bump fades out*

Prof. Morris:
During the break we all started talking about the Japanese cartoons, hentai they call it, with all the fetishes because of the last caller.

Osh:
Hey, don’t knock it, man.  At least they are pretty open with all that.

Prof. Morris:
Actually, the Japanese …

Gosh:
BORING!  Let’s take a call.  Eeny, Meeny, Miny…MOE!  What’s going on!

Caller:
Are you talking to me?

Gosh:
No, I’m talking to Casper.

Caller:
Oh, sorry, I’m not Casper.

*caller hangs up*

Osh:
…I swear some of our callers hurt my brain.

Prof. Morris:
That might be a tumor.

Gosh:
Okay, caller, I’m talking directly to you, Sarah.

Sarah:
Hey, thanks guys.

Prof. Morris:
Hello, Sarah.  What’s your issue?

Sarah:
Well, I just moved in with my long term boyfriend.  We had been dating for around a year and didn’t have sex before last week…and his mom kind of walked in on us…

Gosh:
HA!  That’s gotta be as awkward for her as it is had you walked in on her having sex with her dude.

Sarah:
Yeah, it was, but what was weird is that my boyfriend looked back and saw her, but then turned back to me and just kept going, like it never even happened.

Osh:
Hey, that’s pretty impressive.  Most people would drop to at least half stalk when that happens.

Sarah:
…yeah…I guess..?

Gosh:
Wait…so why did his mom have access to you both?

Sarah:
Oh, he lives at home right now.  He lost his job about six months back.

Gosh:
Okay, this guy is a hero.  So you’ve been dating for around a year, he’s been unemployed for six months of that year, and moved back in with his parents.  After which time you also moved in with him AND had sex with him?

Sarah:
Basically…yeah…

Osh:
Wow.  Umm…huh…

*Gosh can be heard clapping in the background*

Prof. Morris:
What is it that you’re concerned with?  Did it crush your sex drive or something?

*caller is heard with a broken connection*

Sarah:
Well, I tho…an…strange he wou…don’t you think?

Gosh:
Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.  Hold on.  You broke up really bad there for a second.  Are you on a cell phone?

Sarah:
Yeah, I’m in the garage in the back of his car listening to you guys and kind of hiding to make the call.

Osh:
Okay.  That explains that.  Can you say all that again?

Sarah:
I was just saying it’s strange that he’d keep going.  Don’t you think?

Prof. Morris:
I’ll take it, guys.  Stop looking at me like that, Gosh.

*Osh and Gosh can be heard laughing in the background*

Prof. Morris:
To address your concern, yes, it’s definitely strange he’d keep going at you knowing his mother was watching.  Was it like a quick glance and she left or what?

Sarah:
No, and that’s the other thing that’s bothering me.  She stood there for what seemed like forever.  I’m sure it was only about ten seconds or so, but she was actually watching as he stared at her.

Gosh:
Okay, I threw up a little again.

Osh:
Sarah?

Sarah:
Yeah?

Osh:
What’s the phone number?

Sarah:
What phone number?

Osh:
To his mom’s place, because she’s a freak that obviously needs it.

*Sarah laughs a little bit*

Sarah:
Oh, that’s sick.

Prof. Morris:
There’s a little happier tone!  Well, it may be nothing to him.  Maybe he’s a little bit of an exhibitionist and you’re just noticing.  Maybe he has had that happen a few times in the past.  Just talk to him about it.

Sarah:
That’s all you got to suggest?

Prof. Morris:
What else do you want?  That he’s having sex with his mom?  I can’t make that call from the limited information.  What I can suggest is that you both get your own place.  At least you should get your own place.  It’s just not healthy.  Okay?

Sarah:
Okay…thanks for whatever…

*caller hangs up*

Gosh:
I think she should just have a three way with them both.

Osh:
DUDE!!!

Prof. Morris:
I agree, that’s just nasty, Gosh.

Osh:
Although, in his defense, I think that a three way with the freaky mom and Sarah would be just fine if it were me and not the son.

Prof. Morris:
Now I know why Dr. Modjucawk took a few days off.

*Prof. Morris laughs*

Osh:
Let’s go to the next call…Oh, and it says that it’s an emergency.

Gosh:
Hey, go ahead, what’s going on that’s so important?

Caller:
I need assistance at Paco’s on the corner of Lincoln and Colefax!

Prof. Morris:
Wait, what?

Caller:
They stole my damn dollars and won’t give me my damn tacos!

Osh:
Tacos?  What are you talking about?

Caller:
What did I say?  I want my dollar and my tacos!

Prof. Morris:
You…you’re having a problem with your taco?

Gosh:
Like…a pink taco?  The sloppy taco?

Caller:
The proprietor here…he took my damn money, refused to make my taco, and he kept my money!

Osh:
Okay, so a problem with a regular taco.

Caller:
The owner, bitch!

Osh, Gosh, Prof. Morris:
Whoa, whoa!

Caller:
I’m sorry.  I’m pissed off!

Prof. Morris:
Just calm down and tell us what’s going on.

Caller:
Aren’t you listening to me?!  I told you!  You aren’t listening to anything I’ve said!

Gosh:
Is this serious?

Caller:
Of course this is serious!  Are you going to help me or not?  Get your fat ass down here and help me out!

Osh:
First of all, my ass is not fat, and secondly, my ass is staying in the air conditioned station.

Caller:
Oh, so now you’re not going to help me!

*Osh, Gosh, and Prof. Morris can be heard laughing in the background*

Prof. Morris:
We’re trying to help you, but we need to know what’s going on and some information.  Where are you?

Caller:
I told you were I am!  What did I just say?!

Osh:
I know, I know, but tell me slower.  What’s your name as well?

Caller:
WHAT?!  I don’t have to give you that *censor beep*, bitch!

Gosh:
Ha!  Okay, what was actually wrong with the taco?

Caller:
That bean dog mother *censor beep* refused to give it to me!  He also won’t give me my money back!

Osh:
Well that ain’t right.

Caller:
No it ain’t!  My house is locked up, you mother *censor beep* Jew!  I only got one dollar and thirty five cents, and he took it!  Are you coming or not?

Gosh:
Uh…huh…um…well, as far as we’re concerned you can get whatever taco you want…even a chaco-taco.

Caller:
Good!  Now get down here and don’t send me no niggers.

*two seconds of silence*

Caller:
Hello?!

Gosh:
You mean you don’t want a black dude coming out there?

Caller:
That’s right!  I know some nigger is going to steal from me, too.  They have no respect for strong black women and will steal from me just like this pepper-gut!

Prof. Morris:
Lady, you need therapy.

Caller:
*censor beep* YOU!  If you won’t help, I’ll just do it myself!

*caller forcefully hangs up*

*Gosh can heard taking a deep sigh*

Osh:
Did she want the cops?  Did she think that she called the non-emergency number or something?

Gosh:
I need a really strong shower after that call.

*musical bump featuring Cupid Shuffle by Cupid fades in*

Osh:
I think we need a commercial.

Prof. Morris:
I completely agree, boys.

*musical bump fades out as commercial break begins*

—End Transcript—

Posted 6/9/2010 at 5:46 PM

Marriage is not in my future


Run!

I really wish people would quit telling me to not say I won’t get married and that marriage is not in my future.  It’s one of those things that pisses me off about people even more.

First off, I’m not really interested in marriage.  Marriage is called an institution…so is the state correctional facility.  I group the two together as I see them much the same.  I’m not really in to the idea of making sure with someone instead of just taking off on my motorcycle, a spontaneous fishing or hunting trip, or whither or not dropping four hundred bucks on the newest game system with new games is something that would be appreciated.

I’m also a very difficult person to get along with most of the time.  Not necessarily on purpose, but even my friends would agree with that statement.  I’m intentionally brash with people, have an easy temper (though I am slow into violence unless it is absolutely necessary), and I am the owner of a very strong Type A personality.  Seriously, I’m just an asshole and I rejoice in that fact.

All the crap people do through the dating, to the wedding, and then when they’re married is not something I want to be involved with.  My own past dating experiences suck as it is.  The people I see married are never very happy.  I mean like never.  Sure they have their moments, but most of the time they are on each other’s nerves.  Don’t give me the b.s. that only “happy and comfortable couples” fight.  Gee, if that’s happy and comfortable, I’ll stick with nailing random women who I never see again after a night or two.  At least I don’t have to deal with that.  I’ve also heard that, “Marriage is dealing with someone else’s crap.  That’s just what you do!”  Oh, really?  Thanks for the heads up so I can keep the hell out of there.

Now, along the lines of all that, is the fact that I can barely stand people for any length of time.  I’m slow to make friends, on purpose, and most of the women I meet are good for a short bit of company.  There have been a few who I did attempt to make a lasting partnership worked, but that just wasn’t going to happen.

Some people just aren’t marrying material.  I was once asked about a certain person, “What makes you think you aren’t her type?”  To which I easily answered, “I’m nobody’s type.”  As I’ve been told, is as I believe: I will always be alone, but not necessarily lonely.  I accept it, so you should, too.

You’ll regret keeping me around!

Posted 6/7/2010 at 8:15 PM on Xanga