Who thinks of these ads?!

There are a ton of stupid ads out there in the world, but some of them are stupid because people find something idiotically offensive instead of when it actually is offensive. I’m not talking about offensive ads (Obama gave tax payer money to make this, by the way, which further shows what he thinks of all you who voted for him), though. No, I’m talking about an ad where the logic is so baffling that it made me want to slap my own grandma.

I first saw the ad in question during one of the rare occasions when I wasn’t out doing charity work (punching homeless people in the face to chase them out of the state, lighting fires in a neighbor’s trashcan to cut down on the bulk of waste going to the dump, making fun of children who can’t speak correctly…you know, the usual) and was watching television instead. Imagine my surprise to realize NetZero was not only still in business, but they had enough money to run a commercial! It was when Chairman and CEO Mark Goldston (I have no idea if he’s real or not, because there’s no message from him or anything like that on their website) came on and opened his mouth I knew that NetZero was actually desperate.

“Here’s a plan to save America’s broadband users $16 billion dollars a year AND $300 individually!” his voice over talks out while being further punctuated with an onscreen display of exactly what he’s saying. At that point I was thinking, “Huh…NetZero’s going with cheap broadband. Probably just going to be limited use like their dial up was at first.”

Oh, to my amusement, that is not what happened. No, instead, he suggests that people switch BACK to dial up! Yes, let’s all switch back to dial up because it’s SO much fun waiting twenty minutes for a three meg song to stream. I have QWest and I still wouldn’t go back to dial up.

What’s a further reason not to do this completely stupid move? Most people, if their computer is around two years old or newer, don’t even have a modem installed in their computer! When I first got my computer, of course it did…SIX YEARS AGO. Mind you, I’m talking about the first computer I bought, not the first computer I had. I’ve been on the Internet since 1996, idiot. After my first upgrade, I never had one installed again. Not to mention I now build my own personal gaming computers and would never, ever, ever take up space with a dinosaur like a 56Kb/s modem.

Like I said, I have no idea if Mark Goldston is a real person or just a gimmick like Flo (the Geico lizard is real, by the way, so screw you if you that’s where I was going), but he needs to be fired. Imagine a satellite company telling you that you could save money by not switching from cable over to their service, but back to basic channels. Or better yet, the local channels saying you could save on electricity by getting rid of your TV.

If you’re a stock holder (NZRO) then demand this man be fired. He’s an idiot and as such, is the reason you aren’t making any money.

Here’s the jest of what is going on here…NetZero is saying to pay them for the privilege of donkey punching yourself. You can’t blame NetZero for the donkey punching. No, you know what’s happening when you sign up for them, they aren’t trying to hide anything. After all, they are offering an inferior service just by saying the words dial up. You have only yourself to blame if you’re willing to switch over.

Now, if you don’t mind, it’s trash day and I have some fires to light. You know, to help the planet.

Posted 1/6/2010 at 2:27 PM on Xanga