Domestic Violence – Cure Has Been Found!

This is great! Like two scoops or raisins!
The greatest news from specialists at the “Mayo Labs” has been released yesterday, and we’re glad to be one of the first people to bring it to you, thanks to use completely disregarding our NDA!

Since the beginning of time, or rather 1994 in America, we’ve been doing everything we can to end domestic violence by calling attention to it with special laws. We’ve originally believed the issue was deep routed psychological issues, or even a learned behavior from previous generations. All the research in the world didn’t seem to help. That is until now! What is this miracle cure which is guaranteed to stop any and all domestic violence? Here it is:

Shut the Fuck Up!

Yep. That’s it! Think about how simple an instruction this is. You’d think everything would be much more complicated, but the facts prove it really isn’t. Checking with current and former domestic violence victims we can see everything stems from not just keeping their mouth shut unless asked directly for a response…and even then it might be better to just shut up.

The Core Principle
At its core the principle is simple and yet complicated. As human beings, we’re conditioned to speak with others and even provide responses. Those of us who have been wronged are often found trying to find defense with our words. This faulted evolutionary trait must be fought and controlled if we are to continue to evolve as a species while also ending domestic violence.

Imagine this scenario:
Your husband/boyfriend/brother/guy friend comes home and he’s already in a bad mood. He has a history of knocking in your teeth for being a “disrespectful bitch” and he is expecting, not only a nice dinner, but a deep vacuum of the entire place. You managed to get a 100% perfect job on vacuuming the carpet, but the broccoli is slightly cold in the middle, meaning you didn’t cook it well enough.

Man – “What the fuck is this?!”
You – “Dinner…”
Man – “No! THIS IS SHIT! It’s FROZEN in the middle!”
You – “I did it the way…”

Suddenly he jumps across the table and punches your stupid face into the ground.

This was your fault. You didn’t keep your mouth shut! You shouldn’t have said anything.

Now let’s look at how you should have handled the same situation, but keeping your mouth shut:

Man – “What the fuck is this?!”
You – “…”
Man – “You fucking IGNORING ME?!”
You – “…”
Man – “YOU DISRESPECTFUL BITCH!”

Suddenly he jumps across the table, grabs you by the throat for a second and then stops sighing.

Man – “At least you did the fucking vacuuming! I’m going out for dinner. Eat your shit or starve!”

He then leaves, bangs a random bar slut, gets an STD, and then fucks your brains out later that night to assert his dominance. You are in a much better position this time!

Psychology of the Cure
The only psychology involved is your own. Keeping your mouth shut takes tremendous mental strength. By doing exercises such as no longer speaking to friends and family nor communicating with anyone at all, you can eventually learn to keep your mouth shut unless specifically asked to respond. Even when asked to respond, you should know exactly what is expected of you. This can take years, so getting out of the relationship just because you’re weak is ill advised.

Testimonials from the Participants
We’ve acquired some testimonials from participants of the original study for your reading pleasure. You’ll see the subject’s names and read their experience with it all, including how long it lasted before hand.


Name: Sarah McKennis
Nationality: Irish
Current Residence: Missouri
Results According to Subject:
My husband, Mitchell, was one of the hardest hitters I had ever been with. He would beat me until I would fall unconscious constantly. No matter what the conversation was about, it would end with me getting slugged in the face like it was there for visible punctuation. The exclamation marks were his favorite. His cock though…oh my god! It’s the biggest reason I didn’t leave him, and besides, I’m a strong woman and not a quitter.

When I heard of this study I told Mitchell. “GOOD!” he told me and busted my face open so deeply I ended up with six staples across my face from biting a hole in my own face. I didn’t even wait for my mistake to heal and went straight to the study.

How are things now? Well, I’ve learned to keep my mouth closed and only speak when I should be replying. As for why I’m in this hospital bed giving my evaluation…well…I forgot to check attitude at the door when he made a comment about feeling old. Rule number one is to shut the fuck up, and I didn’t. I told him it’s okay if he gets old and I still love him. My mistake! However, the study still stands and I give it a 100%


Name: Timmy Ashford
Nationality: American
Current Residence: New Mexico
Results According to Subject:
Stephen is my step-dad. Well, he’s my step-dad in the sense he’s always having sex with my mother, lives with us, eats all our food, drinks all day, refuses to marry my mom and give me a father in a proper family setting, all the while beating my ass raw. I used to be a bad kid, but now I know my place. I no longer make the same mistakes as so many of my friends do. He even lets me call him Stephen now and not “Master”.

What started me in the trial is when Stephen had been asking me to clean my room five or six times in a single day. Like I said, I was a bad kid in those days, and refused to do anything he said because I was angry at him for just being around. So, after the fifth or sixth time of him screaming for me to clean up my room, I yelled back, “FUCK YOU STEPHEN! You’re not even my real dad!” You can imagine the three hour beating with a belt, a hot curling iron, and his fists. He got so tired my mother even had to take over beating me when he broke his hands on my ass!

My mommy had enough of my attitude and couldn’t take the stress anymore, just knowing I would continue to make Stephen mad, so she looked through the papers on where she could take me. She stumbled upon the trial and enrolled me right away. I got time away from Stephen and learned to keep my mouth shut for my own good!

A+ program and I highly suggest all other bad kids, which is all kids, to enroll!


Name: Tiffany-Sage Haddler
Nationality: British
Current Residence: Idaho
Results According to Subject:
My mummy always wants me to wear bright colours and act as a lady, but I just didn’t like it all too much. Mummy does know what is best, but in my silly head I could just not see that as a fact and I acted up just like all these spoiled American brats. No longer do I, however!

I would talk back to my mummy and ask her what she knew, and the result would be immediate and severe slaps among my face and fanny. She would constantly ask me how I would ever expect to please a husband if I spoke back all the time. My daft reasoning was that I did not want to be a stay at home mummy like mummy, who earned money by bringing in strange men and making me watch so they would both pay more and finish faster. Oh, what a sod I was!

Thanks to this program, I now know a proper woman is seen and not heard. She does exactly that and more. The more is what my mummy teaches me. I now have the skills and education early enough to carry me throughout my adult life in order to become a proper lady of the house!

I will raise many cups of tea in the honour of this program!


Name: Julian Nielson
Nationality: Ameri-queer
Current Residence: Gay Bay
Results According to Subject:
Mmmm…my name is Julian, but call me Sally RoughRider! I love long walks on the beach, blonds, and butt sex! Tee hee!!!! I know this isn’t a dating service, you giggly gooses!

My life partner, Bruce, who I always call “OH damn! THAT MAN!!!!” in a loving way, used to break a foot off in my ass, and I don’t mean in a fun gay way. Oh no. He’d kick the shit out of me almost every time I opened my whore mouth. That was the problem, you see, since as a gay man I don’t know when to shut up. It’s just genetics, and you can’t fight genetics, but you can control your nasty habits like talking all the time.

The last straw was when Bruce came home drunk and stinking of both strange men and vagina. Trust me, you can tell the difference in that smell! Well, once again I opened my stupid whore mouth and he beat me to the point of needing medical treatment for damn near a month. While laying out in the hospital, he was reading me the obituaries to remind me I could end up in there, when I caught a glimpse of this trial and knew I needed help.

Now I only open my mouth to suck dick! Great improvement! Much love!

I ♥ (‿|‿)!


There you have it, everyone! Keep your fucking mouth shut if you don’t want to get your ass beat by your significant other. Doesn’t just work for normal people and women: It’s obviously great for gays and children, too!

Know your place!

Evildron’s Master Plan (Best Dang Power Ranger Fan Fiction Ever Written!)

Evildron’s Master Plan

The multiverse has collapsed thanks to one of the Rangerverse villains succeeding in a secret plan and this caused a mixing of multiple realities into one. Now Tommy, Sky, Jen, Dustin and Carlos must battle a new threat while trying to return all of reality back to the way it was. Unfortunately, their personalities are a serious mash up of almost every possible type, and they don’t act the way they should. Oh, and thanks to temporal-dimensional shielding Zordon and Alpha 5 were not only okay, also brought back to life to work as the Rangers’ leader.

This is just one story in a vast and populated mythos, so don’t worry about trying to know who everyone is. The story itself will give you all the information you need to know!


It’s a beautiful day in Angel Bay Crest Grove. To start off with, at least. For several weeks the Power Rangers had been suffering crippling defeat after crippling defeat, but they have finally turned the tied of battle once again. Reconstruction of the city was under way, and there had been no attacks for about three days. Under the suggestion of Jen, the Power Rangers were having a nice day at the beach. You know, sipping drinks, hanging out and shit. Life was good for right now.

Even the most perfect Brandy Bunch sunny day can have a cloud somewhere in the sky, however, and this cloud’s name was Evildron. At his dark and mysterious layer, Evildron was busy preparing to make life hell for the Power Rangers and the inhabitants of Angel Bay Crest Grove. He was always doing that, but this time, he meant business. For real business. The kind of business Hollywood loves to try and make up but they can’t, because this business is too fucking real.

As everyone knows, Evildron looked like a basketball player sized humanesque eagle, but instead of feathers, he was hairy like a wookie, except every so often there really were dark brown and black feathers in his fur. His eyes were always yellow, except when they turned red. He only had two outfits, but they were the exact same as each other: a red hoodie which said “Born To Be Bad Ass’ on the front (he never wore the hood up except when he was sneaking around rich neighborhoods at night) and jeans which were ripped up around the ankles giving an awesome “I don’t give a fuck about fashion!” look to them. Oh, and let’s not forget the neon green with yellow trim sneaks he wore. They even have Velcro instead of laces. He was pure evil.

Evildron was viciously typing away at his keyboard to finish up his latest creation. This had taken so much time to do, because it was his absolute best yet. He was proud of it, and he should be. This was something the Power Rangers had never faced before, and they would surely be frightened by it’s majesty.

“Evildron?” his human college aged assistant, Sloan, called out to him. Sloan was trying to fulfill his doctrine requirements through interning with Evildron. Even though Evildron was an evil asshole, the college recognized how much experience with quantum, mechanical, and biological theory working with him would provide, so they authorized the internship. Sloan wasn’t evil himself, he was just not really liked. He had self diagnosed himself with aspergers syndrome just so he didn’t have to apologize for being a dick. Sloan looked like you’d expect: nerdy glasses, a white lab coat, and stood all of 125 skinny pounds at 5’10”.

“Evildron?” Sloan called out again as he entered into the giant, cavernous area Evildron was busy working at. All around them were test tubes bubbling with who-remembers-what-or-why-in-the-first-place. Small candles flickered and danced, but they were only there for aroma therapy, since the work area was blasted with spot lights anyway.

“What do you want?!” half cawed, half yelled Evildron. He didn’t like to be interrupted, and Sloan was doing just that. Evildron’s voice was a mixture of James Cagney and Piggy from the Power Rangers: SPD story arc.

“Ah! There you are, Evildron. What have you been so busy with?” Sloan asked, looking over Evildron’s shoulders and fixing his glasses. The coding was zipping past his eyes on the screen, until a big green flashing text appeared which read, “FINISHED!!!!!” Evildron laughed maniacally and threw his hands in the air.

“It’s finished! At long last!” Evildron exclaimed, jumping to his feet and rushing over to a metallic archway that looked like it was put together by erector set pieces, “My greatest creation is something the Rangers have never dealt with before!” Sloan squinted, but couldn’t see in the darkness.

“Uh…what is it?” Sloan asked, crossing his arms as he tried to catch a glimpse of whatever was hiding in the veil of dark.

“Oh, you shall see, Sloan! You shall see!” Evildron chuckled as he threw on the lights, “Behold! My greatest creation!” The lights thundered on, one by one, until the magnificent new creation was visible to anyone inside the evil hideout.

“It…it’s a giant dick…” Sloan stated in a very horse almost whisper.

“Of course it is!” Evildron spat out in shock Sloan was even remotely surprised. If you’ve never seen an eagle smile, you’re missing out, because that’s exactly the look on Evildron’s face turned to. The mix of evil and awesome would be too much for any normal mortal to gaze upon.

“Um, I take it this thing is finished?” Sloan asked, blushing bright red. The entire thing was hairless, peach colored, and vein-y as hell.

“Not yet,” Evildron said with a sigh, “As soon as I finish up the balls, we’ll be ready to roll on the Rangers, though.” Stepping closer to Sloan, Evildron put an arm over Sloan’s closest shoulder and leaned in, almost whispering, “Tell me it won’t be fun to see the Rangers knock my junk around.” Sloan’s eyes were the size of dinner plates as he slowly turned to look at Evildron, who was raising what one could call his eyebrows up and down rapidly.

“Oookay…” Sloan said, swallowing hard, feeling very uncomfortable now and stepping back from Evildron, “What do you call a giant dick bot anyway?”

“Well, not a dick bot, obviously!” Evildron howled waiving his hands with anger in the air at such a stupid suggestion, “That would just be stupid! It’s the Remote Access Pilot Enhanced Battle Optomized Tron! The R, A, P, E, B, O, T!” Sloan scratched his chin mumbling for a few moments before he spoke.

“R, A, P, E, B, O, T? Rape Bot?!” Sloan questioned, feeling dizzy.

“IT’S A RAPE BOT!!!!” Evildron screamed while stomping his feet the moment Sloan had finished talking. Sloan was so shocked he actually jumped back because he though Evildron was going to pounce on him. “Now make yourself useful! While I finish construction on the balls, I need you to clean up the rest of it,” Evildron instructed Sloan while picking up a rag and a bucket of water, “It’s been unattended for three days. Polish up the shaft.”

Back in the Command Center
“That, Alpha 5, is where your baby robots come from,” Zordon informed Alpha 5 and ended his lecture, “Now, please, Alpha 5, scan the city for disturbances. Evildron has been much too quiet lately.”

“Aye, yi, yi, yiiiiii!” Alpha 5 cried out and waddled to the control panel, “That was not as exciting as I expected the story to be, Zordon! I guess robots are just built!”

“Exactly, Alpha 5. Is the city safe?” Zordon asked. Alpha 5 spun around and did a little happy robot jig.

“Yes, Zordon! Everything is just fine right now! I’m going to check in on the Rangers,” Alpha 5 said and activated the viewing globe, which tuned in directly to Jen’s breasts, “Aye, yi, yi, yi, yiiiii!” Zordon laughed and adjusted the viewing globe to show the entire scene at the beach.

Carlos was being a bad ass and surfing like a pro. Nothing in his previous incarnations would have really proven he was a surfer, but when the multiverse collapsed, he seemed to have the ability to shred waves like an epic pro. Dustin was making mad sand sculptures with the help of Tommy. Jen was busy playing volleyball and kicking everyone’s ass as a one person team. Sky, on the other hand, was practicing his yoga on the rocks above the beach, getting in touch with his spiritual side.

“Just one more part to this sculpture, Tommy, and we’ll be finished with a 1:1 reproduction of the Taj Mahal!” Dustin stated excitedly as he filled another bucket with sand.

“Yeah, this is going to be the greatest sand sculpture anyone has even made on this beach. No one beats a Ranger at doing ANYTHING!” Tommy boasted and did a wicked ass spinning jump kick in pride. Seeing Tommy do the spin kick made Dustin drop the bucket and give Tommy a high five for being so damn cool. None of the Rangers worried about having their identities in this collapsed multiverse discovered, so they never tried to hide the fact they were Power Rangers.

“Not bad, Tommy, but you’re no SPD recruit!” Sky taunted to Tommy from his rock. Tommy raised his middle finger up to Sky and just laughed.

“If you’re so awesome, then why were you always just a recruit even as a Ranger?!” Tommy teased back.

“Eat a sack of balls!” Sky shouted down to Tommy in jest as he picked up his yoga equipment and began making his way to everyone. Jen came bounding up next to Tommy just as Carlos was getting out of the water.

“I heard something about a sack of balls and I thought, ‘Yeah, I can get in on that!'” Jen laughed, looking around. Since she didn’t have to worry about Alex anymore, she became a huge slut. Not just any slut, the slut to end all sluts. She wasn’t a total slut about it, though. A thought always in the back of her mind was if Sky was her great, great, great grandpa or not. With the collapse of the multiverse, she couldn’t be sure, so she did her best not to slut him up.

“Hey, guys! Got room for one more bean in this Ranger burrito?!” Carlos jokingly asked, playing on the fact he was Hispanic. That had pretty much become his thing. Jen laughed once when he did it and he never stopped from that day on. They did all think it was pretty funny, though. “Wow! Nice Taj Mahal!” Carlos excitedly stated, looking over it all.

“I’ll say! Seriously, though, did someone mention a sack of balls? I could go for a snack!” Jen exclaimed, licking her lips.

“Here, gra…uh, ma’am,” Sky said, getting a hotdog out of the picnic basket and giving it to her, “This should keep you tied over.” Jen greedily took the hotdog and began to lick it and deep throat it, but gently nibbling it, too. Tommy, Dustin, and Carlos followed the movements of the hotdog with their heads, as well as their eyes. Sky, on the other hand, didn’t know what to think and just slowly backed away. He did, however, bump fists with Carlos, who never took his eyes off Jen manipulating the hotdog. Right when Jen began sliding the hotdog between her boobs, their morphers rang out with a familiar tune.

“Damn it! Right when my taquito was getting crunchy!” Carlos said, kicking sand around. Jen winked at him while sliding the hotdog back into her mouth and took a big bit.

“We read you, Zordon! What’s going on?” Sky asked into the communicator, thankful for the distraction.

“Rangers! We have trouble!” Zordon’s voice echoed out excitedly, “There’s some…well…some dick is trashing downtown!” The Rangers just looked at each other and shrugged. If Zordon thought they were going to take care of something the police should do, he had another thing coming.

“So what? We don’t deal with criminals. Call the cops,” Tommy forcefully said over his communicator. Jen gave him a high five for being so cool.

“Aye, yi, yi, yi, yiiii!” Alpha 5’s voice buzzed over the speakers, “No, Rangers! There literally is a huge dick destroying down town! Like…A PENIS!”

“PENIS?!” Jen excited asked, “We’re on it! Rather, I’ll try to get on it! It’s morphin’ time!” Jen immediately became the pink ranger before anyone else could even react. Jumping up and down excitedly, she begged at the other rangers, “Come on! We can’t let a massive phallus tear up our town and get all dirty, can we?!” With a shrug, the rest of the rangers activated their powers and teleported directly to their Zords.

Before the Rangers got to the R.A.P.E. B.O.T, Evildron was already high atop a building, watching his creation destroy the town. He couldn’t help but feel the pride every father felt at first sight of their child, except for, you know, those fathers who found out the child their wife delivered didn’t have a remote possibility of being theirs. Sloan was there as well, but he didn’t really want to be. Watching a giant dick flop around down town wasn’t his idea of a good time. Still, he did admire the craftsmanship of the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. Like a chair dildo, it was stiff up until approximately 1/4 of the shaft, at which point it could pivot and swing about wildly, which it used to maximize destruction. The shaft was somehow using the balls to move around almost like a snail, but much faster.

“It certainly is…” Sloan started to say, but trailed off before finishing. Evildron gave that epic eagle smile once again, arms folded and bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.

“Awesome? Epic? The greatest damn creature you’ve ever seen?” Evildron asked, not really wanting an answer, “Just wait until you see it in combat against those stupid Rangers!” Sloan didn’t know how to reply. He just sat in half awe, half agony as his throat remained dry. A roar in the distance snapped him out of his self induced trance and he looked to the left. That’s when he saw the multiverse version of the Megazord appear! Honestly, the Megazord is so awesome looking, it just cannot be described! So, imagine that!

“Here they are at last! Now my R.A.P.E. B.O.T. will destroy the Rangers, Sloan! Just wait and see,” Evildron told Sloan, punching him in the shoulder. Like a little bitch, Sloan groaned and rubbed his arm, which caused Evildron to punch him two more times while laughing.

Inside the most amazing Megazord of all time, the Rangers were finally able to see what they were about to face. Gasps came from Carlos, Tommy, and Dustin, but a single giddy shriek was heard from Jen, who also started clapping excitedly.

“Whoa! Zordon wasn’t kidding! That is the second biggest dick I’ve ever seen!” Dustin exclaimed, gripping his controls tighter. Everyone went instantly quiet and slowly looked at Dustin, who wasn’t even remotely kidding. No one asked, as this wasn’t the time, however, as to what the absolute biggest dick he had ever seen was.

“We’re going to have our hands full on this one, guys!” Tommy stated.

“That’s what I said!” Jen giggled, licking her lips in her helmet.

“Let’s wrap this up!” Sky shouted, just wanting the conversation and battle to end before it even started.

“Said the condom!” Carlos laughed out while slapping his knee, “We can take care of this no problem!”

“RIGHT!” the other four Rangers shouted out at the same time and pushed the Megazord into a faster speed. Upon reaching the R.A.P.E. B.O.T, they Megazord slammed into it with a force which caused a huge pressure wave to explode around them. The Megazord wrapped its arms around the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. and tried to toss it to the ground, but they only succeeded in making it flop about more. The giant dick repeatedly pounded them in the face, causing them to stagger. Like a cobra, the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. reared back and pointed its purple head directly at them.

“It’s no use! It’s too soft and floppy! It just keeps hitting us in the face!” Dustin cried.

“Now you assholes know how I feel!” Jen shouted to everyone, “Hey?! What’s it doing?!” Everyone turned their attention to the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. as it assumed the new menacing position.

“Yes! Excellent!” Evildron excitedly clapped while jumping up and down, “Do you see that, Sloan? It’s working! They can’t defeat it!” Sloan didn’t answer as he was in too much shock and awe over the entire incident. Suddenly the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. coiled backwards and let loose a spit of slimey goo all over the Megazord’s visual sensors.

“Perfect! Fuck them up by fucking them!” Evildron exclaimed at first, then lowered his voice while rubbing his right nipple in a circle, “Yes…yes, that’s good. That’s good.” Sloan was in a new state of horror as he first watched the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. attack the Rangers and then Evildron rubbing his own nipple. Sloan tried to talk, but he couldn’t.

“Oh my god!” screamed Tommy, “All visual sensors are offline! We’re blind, guys! What are going to do?!”

“Thank goodness the bay doors were closed!” Jen exclaimed, “You don’t want to go into this kind of thing unprotected!” Sky, blushing like crazy, just shook his head.

“Yeah, okay, let’s, uh…let’s think here! I’ve got it!” Sky shouted, “Call in the Super Megazord Flame Sabre!”

“What are you thinking, Sky?” Carlos asked, “This is no time for carne asada or even fajitas, hijo!” Tommy reached over at that point giving Carlos a high five for being so cool at that moment. Carlos felt a huge sense of pride, as any time Tommy treated you as cool, it meant something huge. I mean, Tommy was the definition of “cool”. Fonzy, who?

“There is one weakness to this monster,” Sky said. Before he could continue, Dustin interrupted him.

“You’re right! I think I saw it, too!” Dustin said, snapping is fingers, “It’s uncircumcised!”

“Brilliant, but that’s not what it could be, Dustin,” Jen chimed up, “That dick is circumcised. Trust me, I know!”

“Exactly, Jen! We’re going to attack the balls and if we can’t defeat it completely, we can at least put a hurt on it for a few days! We’ll at least be able to stop the goo attacks by giving it a vasectomy!” Sky said with all the excitement of a man with the best plan ever.

“Good plan, Sky! Let’s do it!” Tommy shouted. Everyone used their morphers to give the Megazord more power as they called upon the Super Megazord Flame Sabre.

“No! What are they doing?! What can they hope to accomplish?!” Evildron started screaming as he saw the flaming sword appear. Watching in terror, Evildron felt sick as he saw the Megazord poke directly into the balls of the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. “No!” Evildron screamed as his creation flailed about, “Retreat! We must retreat!”

“Master, why are we retreating?! I thought we were winning?” Sloan questioned, covering his nose to protect himself from the smell of burning flesh. Evildron grabbed Sloan by his shirt and began shaking him.

“No! They found my master plan’s one weakness! Also, the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. is only really good for two uses a day! Four if we took a week off,” Evildron explained to Sloan, “I took it out for a test drive earlier today. It needs to be rested!”

“Good job, Rangers! I think we definitely hit it!” Tommy congratulated everyone, “While it’s still sore, let’s finish it off!”

“Go, go, Power Rangers!” Carlos, Jen, Sky and Dustin all shouted out. With a mighty stomp, the Megazord stepped directly onto the balls while clearing the visual sensors the best they could. Even though the view from inside the Megazord stung their eyes, the Rangers were finally able to see once again! The R.A.P.E. B.O.T. was flopping around on the ground now, in absolute agony and unable to defend itself from further attack.

“Evildron! Your creation! The…the…” Sloan stuttered, pointing frantically toward the battle, quickly drawing to an end. Raising the Super Megazord Flame Sabre high in the air, the Rangers then repeatedly chopped up R.A.P.E. B.O.T. like a cucumber. Turning their back to it, in the classic “I don’t give a fuck!” pose, the monster exploded behind them in a fireball so large, it killed every human for six blocks in a 360 degree ring.

“No!” screamed Evildron in heartbreak.

“We have to get out of here before they find us!” Sloan cried as he hid against Evildron’s chest.

“Next time, Rangers! Next time!” Evildron screamed as started to fade out.

That night, the Rangers were having fun at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice bar in celebration of their victory. No one ever seemed to care when people were killed by the explosions of monsters, so the Rangers never thought anything of it either.

“That was a great fight, guys!” Sky said, tipping his red Dixie cup to everyone and slamming back a hard mixed drink.

“Yeah, I’m just glad we made it out of there all okay,” Tommy said, leaning back in his chair, “Not that I had any doubt.”

“If Evildron wants to keep fighting, we’ll keep fighting! No matter where he sends his monsters, we’ll hop to it like a bunch of Mexican jumping beans!” Carlos said with a grin and slammed back two tequila sours in rapid succession.

“Yeah, Evildron doesn’t know anything! If he really had any brains, he wouldn’t have sent a dick monster after us. A pussy would have been better, those things can take a beating!” Jen said, as she begin to suck on a pair of cherries as if she were working balls. Dustin coughed and started choking on his bitch diet drink as Tommy gave Jen a high five, filling her with pride, and making her give him a promising wink.

“So, Dustin,” Tommy started, slapping Dustin on the back, “What is the biggest dick, exactly, that you’ve seen?”


END SCENE! WOW! How awesome is that!? Yeah, I know, that’s the best fucking fan fiction you’ve ever read, isn’t it? I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before this becomes a canonical episode!

A few ways games and designers can advance (s)


Here, in the cesspool known as the Internet, there is a huge out crying to videogame designers for certain changes in the way games are presented in terms of the characters. Some people are making claims such as, “It’s about time that we had XXX”, or even, “Why not make XXX a YYY just because?” Well, thank god the game designers don’t listen to those idiots.

However, just like a shiny piece of corn in an otherwise pile of muddy diarrhea, there is some small glimmer of intelligence in those requests. Unlike them, who present the notions and ideas like a child wearing a helmet licking glass in a candy store, I’m going to bring up them up in a way which actually makes sense. Made it past the “trolololo” intro? Good, you’re on your way to some enlightenment as a gamer and/or designer.

This isn’t going to be straight forward list, since I absolutely despise that “writing” style, so expect to read. I’ll also list a few games which got “it” right after each subject addressed.


1. More Male or Female Selections or Just Good Female Protagonists
I’m loving the fact more games are showcasing more females as leads. Not because it’s needed, it’s just a nice new take on things. I’ll admit to being a little burned out on playing the badass Rambo-esque guy. There are obviously games which need it, but let’s have some fresh takes on things. Games like Outlast, even though they feature a male lead, are excellent because you’re not a walking death-god. There was nothing scary about F.E.A.R. outside of jump scares because you could take out anything in your path. <– (A conversation for another entry)

What we do need is the ability in more games to choose if you’re male or female. There has to be a reason for it, though, and not a “just because”. Lara Croft, as the best example, has proven people don’t give a damn if you’re male or female in a game which doesn’t give you the option of choosing as long as the character is likeable and the gameplay is solid. Skullgirls was awesome and featured an all female cast.

We don’t need a female protagonist in Grand Theft Auto. Would it be an interesting change? Yes. It’s not needed, though. Is it really necessary to make your hero a woman? No, but if it fits, then do it. Don’t do it just because a bunch of whiny, hand out babies demand it.

Games which got it right:
Skyrim
Fable 1/2/3
Borderlands 1/2
Grand Theft Auto 5: GTA Online
Mass Effect 1/2/3
Skullgirls
Tomb Raider (all entries)
Neverwinter Nights 1/2
Dragon Age: Origins
Left 4 Dead 1/2


2. LB/GT Options and Characters
Before a lot of my reader base starts screaming at me over the fact I don’t support gay marriage: Shut up.

There, so anyway, as long as things are there for a reason, why not? I’m not interested in having my male character slam butts or having my female character slam clams, but there should be the option for those who do. Obviously this wouldn’t work in all games, but for open world games where we’re supposed to be making up our own version of the story this would make sense. Of course it wouldn’t make sense if it’s established characters such as Grand Theft Auto 5, so don’t start thinking along those lines.

How about some gay antagonists, such as Gay Tony from Grand Theft Auto 4: Episodes from Liberty City: The Ballad of Gay Tony? Say what you will, he was antagonist for sure. Maybe not directly to your character, but oh yeah, he was a bad guy. Or how about Silva from Skyfall? The enemy doesn’t have to be like he’s marching in a pride parade (a dildo strapped to and pointed into his butt while wearing a thong, fruit basket hat, and screaming, “I’m a pony! I’m a pony!”), but he could help make things uncomfortable. I know Silva sure made things creepy in Skyfall.

For the love of god, though, don’t go the damn Dr Who or, more specifically, Torchwood route where everyone is bi-sexual. Give me a damn break. Sorry, but Russell T. Davies only thinks he can write for adults. No, Anthony Burch, he doesn’t know how to write LB/GT characters and you need to stop taking writing cues from him. Oooh, I’m such a bitch.

Also, don’t force it on gamers. Don’t force gamers to engage in the activities, just leave it as an option if they so wish. Then again, forcing your player to deal with an LB/GT interaction to make them uncomfortable is okay. If the character is straight and suddenly they’re forced into a situation they have to get away from, then hey, that’s all fair enough.

Would I have a problem playing a lesbian or gay character in a narrative? Nope, just don’t force me to engage in sexual activities. We aren’t forced to engage in sexual activities in games with straight characters. Just be fucking mature about this and don’t think you HAVE to put those activities in the game just to emphasis the sexuality of the characters.

Games which got it right:
Fable 1/2/3
Skyrim
Grand Theft Auto 4: Episodes from Liberty City: The Ballad of Gay Tony


3. Racism and Sexism
Be it your protagonist, antagonist, or NPC, include it. Racism and sexism is real and should not be avoided. Father Comstock in Bioshock: Infinite was such an excellent antagonist because he was much more than a fist shaker. He had personality and his deep rooted racism helped define him. The racism portrayed by father Comstock helped give me reason to hate him.

I know what some of you are thinking: Vaas from Far Cry 3 made you hate him! Not really…I never had a reason to hate neither him nor Buck. I didn’t think they were good people and felt that gaming world was better off without them, but I never felt the deep seated urge to full on annihilate them.

Racism and sexism can both help the player to either despise or agree with someone. If you don’t think there are people out there who played Red Dead Redemption and agreed with Herbert Moon, well, you’re wrong. Also, making a character racist or sexist can give the character more flavor. It’s a great way to make the player feel a little uncomfortable. A character’s in-game friend who is one, either, or both can give the player that conflicting emotion in a game filled with choices, be them moral, ethical, or mission based.

What I’m very obviously not talking about here is anything like Ride to Hell. That’s just pure exploitism and provides nothing to the experience. Still, there would be nothing wrong with finding out the main villain or even an adversary is running a forced prostitution ring which needs to be broken up or something similar. What about a woman who hates men just because? No reason, she just hates men because of some stupid skewed view of the world? Yeah, paint feminism in that terrible light just like chauvinism.

Games which got it right:
Bioshock: Infinite
Red Dead Redemption
Skyrim
Mass Effect 1/2/3


4. Female Villains and Enemies
Right up there with the ability to choose a male or female character is to have more female enemies. Some women are just bad people and some women are bad people who actually hurt people or have them hurt. I find Brooke Augustine from Infamous: Second Son to be one of the best female antagonists ever. She was highly effective, extremely sure of herself, and even had the “I’m the good guy!” mentality. Another great villain was Astonema from Power Rangers: In Space. She was extremely effective and just kicked ass. Why aren’t we seeing more of this?

Also, there really does need to be more female enemies. I’m tired of shooting the same carbon copy men. Skyrim got this right with having female enemies show up in the mix. Trust me, only a very small group of people, who aren’t going to be playing your game anyway, will be having problems with killing female enemies. This isn’t a domestic violence issue. This isn’t a sensitivity issue (WTF doesn’t that mean anyway?). It’s a political and bias issue for not doing it. Looking at you, Anthony Birch, once again. Yep…gotta call you out on this bullshit.

If I’m going against a criminal organization, chances are, there’s going to be some females involved in the illegal activities by choice. Sex traders let women be in charge of looking after, forcing, and “educating” the women they kidnap into the trade. Let’s see that reflected in the games.

Want equality? Start giving it and stop looking away from making women or certain demographics be involved. Also, make the females human!

Game which got it right
Skyrim
Infamous: Second Son
Mass Effect 1/2/3
God of War 1/2/3
Left 4 Dead 1/2


There…there’s four ways you can mature and evolve in game design and story writing. Don’t let your political biases or personal whinings to limit you in it all.

How people are finding my entries (s)


Okay, people, seriously…what the fuck? I really like people finding my writings and reading them, but some of the search terms used to find me are pretty horrific. So, what I’m going to do for everyone is list some of the most “Dude, seriously?” of them here. All search strings are copypasta as they appeared with no editing!

Oh, and any link found on this entry will open to a new window so you can continue to read, while also referencing what I’m talking about.


shaving instant abs
What? Seriously? I guess this has to do with my Incredible Life Hacks entry in which I mention “great looking abs for wookies” and tell people to just shave abs into their fur. Still…why was someone looking this up?
 
 
confused monkey
How in the hell did I come up in a search with that string? Also, how deep must I be in those returned results to find me? Except for this page, I don’t think those two words appear directly next to each other in any of my entries…
 
 
guy who climbed a mountain with a t-bar
*laughing* Whaaaaat? Who the hell thought to look this up and what led them to think of it? I mean…I honestly don’t even know why someone would want to try to climb a mountain with a god damn t-bar…
 
 
i pray for a zombie apocolypse every day
Not only is apocalypse spelled wrong, the fact anyone is praying for it to happen every day is a little disturbing. I’m a fan of unrelenting carnage as much as the next sociopath, but come on…
 
 
mk 9 true skill
There is nothing on my sight to give you “true skill” in Mortal Kombat (9). Like, at all. I do have the fake tournament rules I did as a joke, but if you take any of that seriously, well, you’re a dumbass.
 
 
ejaculating into the ear
What the hell is wrong with you people?! Still…this is a new one for me! That means it’s time for a party:

 
 
well here goes nothin’
Huh? Is this like one of those “I Feel Lucky” things from Google? Nope, this is an actual search string used to locate my writings. Where this leads to and why I haven’t a single idea….at least it got people here, right?
 
 
when a guy says i don’t have to lie to you
While most of my writing is tongue in cheek, there is a bit of truth in everything I write. How I present the truth to people, however, is a terrible way to receive advice. This place is a writing site of satire and fun…not a real advice column, regardless of how the entry reads. So, to find this site using that search string…well…you’re better off just hitting the bottle and smiling, then tell him, “Well, I thought that was the best way to solve the issue!”

The truth is, though, if a guy says you don’t have to lie to him, then just fucking don’t lie. Stop lying, god damn it.
 
 
felicia day the other
*blink blink* Uh…huh..? I know I did the entry Who I Will Donkey Punch and Why, which had Felicia Day as one of the women, but this search string doesn’t make a lick of sense.
 
 
i was fucking myself using a broom does that mean im not a virgin anymore
I’m honestly at a loss of words…
 
 
 
fats food job to hard
Aww, is the little bitch finding working in “fats” food “to” hard? FYI, it’s “fast” and “too”, you fucking illiterate little shit. Given you feel working in the fast food industry is too hard and you can’t even use the correct word (fast, too), being in fast food is all you’re going to be experiencing. Don’t worry…four or five fast food jobs should be enough to scrape by while taking care of three kids with two separate women while living in your mother’s basement. Obama will come to your rescue.
 
 
vampire withstand daylight for at least 12hrs
Dick off, Cullen.
 
 
can i return something at macy’s i’ve worn
This may have to do with my Actual Customer Complaints (s) entry. That entry has to do with idiot customers…and this search string is probably done by a few of them.

Here’s a tip: Don’t buy something you don’t want or haven’t tried on…and this won’t be a problem!
 
 
sexyass site:wordpress.com/2013/06
It’s hard to argue my site is and does has a sexy ass. Still, I can’t figure out why someone was looking this up nor why it got them to my site. Then again, as I said, this site, and me included, does have a sexy ass!
 
 
what does it mean when someone screams at you that you ruined them
Once again, any advice you receive from this site isn’t really advice… Still, if you’re asking this question, you must be horribly brain dead. Generally in the moments preceding the statement you ruined them, the reason was talked about…and if it wasn’t, then the reason is going to be stated immediately following that you ruined them.
 
 
god created sex people ruined it
Once again: WHY?! I have never discussed this in any of my writings. There is nothing about my sex life at all, but rest assured, I’m awesome.
 
 
elyse levesque armpits
Da fuq?
 
 
if i dont call or text will he become reinterested/
I know how this found the site. It’s due to the entry called Just Because I Don’t Call You in Four Days…. I just think it’s funny someone was actually considering this and found my site in regards to it.
 
 
sexting per minute services
Really? You really needed this?
 
 
what does a jack of spades tattoo mean on a man
How come this is even a question? Does it have to mean anything? There’s some bullshit about the Queen of Spades and even the Ace of Spades, but it’s mostly bullshit.
 
 
disable pussies
Aside from three to seven days a month, why would you want to disable pussies? Pussies are awesome. I, myself, am quite a vagitarian. I even have an appropriate bib…kinda like a lobster bib, but with a picture of a naked chick spreading her legs.
 
 
hot one blowing a donkey
What is…I don’t even…
 
 
werewolves bang hot vsmpire chick
…good lord…
 
 
when you sneeze on your period meme
*sigh* Does this actually have to be a meme…and why does this link to my writings?
 
 
dirty sexy sweaty bestiality stories
Once again…the fuck, people?!
 
 
little pussy woman
o_0


Well…there’s the most screwed up search strings which have found my writings. You people need help…and I need a shower…

Rockstar Games announces GTA Online Realism update!


Grand Theft Auto has gained a reputation as being an incredible open world sand box game ever since the GTA 3. Some of the more recent games, however, haven’t been without their critics and problems, but things are beginning to smooth out. With the release of GTA V’s online mode, Rockstar Games has bombarded players with constant updates and new content in order to have even more fun. Rockstar Games has been relying on fans for making content and they have once again listened to complaints…but is it going to be fun?

While there has been a very vocal minority over how “too realsitic” GTA has become, most people felt the added realism made the experience that much more immersive. True the police online are extremely too aggressive and the low amounts of money given to players for doing odd jobs is laughable, however, everything else in the online mode has been extremely fun. Singleplayer is great for the story, and online is the best place to mess around with friends.

Unfortunately, things look like they’re about to take a step backwards in the fun department and further real players back from causing destruction. Rockstar Games has introduced their “Realism Update”, part of their on-going free expansion packs in the vain of Beach Bum and High Life. As a gamer myself, I don’t agree with the changes they are introducing. Here’s the changes coming to GTA Online.


Neighbors

  • Other players and NPC’s can now be seen roaming the hallways of your condos.
  • Players without condos and have houses instead should be mindful of closing their blinds in rooms while changing, else others can watch them and take pictures.
  • NPC’s and other players can call the police to register noise complaints against you. Be mindful how loud your TV and radio systems are, and don’t go running around your condo all the time. You have to be respectful to others!

 
 

Equal Rights

  • Players will have the ability to choose LBGT for their characters.
  • Players with LBGT selected will have to “live the lifestyle” by getting married to another LBGT character of the same sex. Every three in-game days, the LBGT characters must engage in some LBGT action or they will be flagged as pretenders.
  • Any player caught assaulting another character with the LBGT selected will get themselves a hate crime marker.
  • Players pretending to be LBGT in order to by-pass the hate crime markers will be flagged.
  • After three flags and/or hate crime markers, the player will be placed into a “Tolerance Server” and will only be able to play with LBGT NPC’s. If the player does not harm the NPC’s over the course of one real week, they will be once again allowed to participate in regular servers. This temporary ban is account wide.
  • If the player continues to hurt the NPC’s, they will be warned their continued actions will result in their account permanently tied to the “Tolerance Server” and never be allowed to play on other servers. Additionally, their account information will be turned over to the NSA, NAACP, and other groups for monitoring and shaming.

 
 
Taxes

  • Once every in-game year the player will be responsible for filing taxes.
  • Players are encouraged to keep track of their dealings on missions and other events in order to file correctly.
  • Failing to file the proper taxes will results in a raid on your properties.

 
 

Brady Checks and cooling off periods required on all firearm purchases

  • Because guns are bad, scary, kill people, and we must protect the children, players must perform a background check on all firearm purchases in-game.
  • A mandatory “cooling off” period of 10 in-game days is required before the check is performed.
  • After the 10 in-game cooling off period is complete, the FIB/Agency will then have up to three further in-game days to approve or deny your firearm purchase.
  • Be careful of your character names, as a similar name to another player with a criminal record may cause you to be delayed.
  • Characters which have a criminal record will no longer be able to purchase a firearm in the Ammu-Nation stores and must find them on the street.
  • If a character with a criminal record does attempt to purchase a firearm at Ammu-Nation and they are denied, an instant three star wanted level will occur. Even if the stars are out run, the characters will continue to be hunted by police and chased on sight until they are wasted by the police or FIB. Please keep in mind, other players killing you will not cause your character to lose the three star wanted level nor the police tracking.

 
 
Chocolatotaco

  • The Chocolatotaco is now available for player consumption.
  • Eating of the Chocolatotaco will slightly decrease the user’s stamina. This is to help the players make better choices for their in-game snacks.
  • Thank you, Michelle Obama!

 
 

In-game licensed products

  • Rockstar Games is proud to announce real life products will be available for purchase in-game!
  • The first available will be with the glorious and perfect Starbucks® with many more to follow.
  • All Bean Machine coffee stores and cups will now be retrofit with Starbucks® for players to enjoy.
  • Keep in mind the prices of all Starbucks® beverages will be adjusted accordingly with real-life to GTA$ conversion. A small in-game beverage will cost the player GTA$10. Pricing will be available for all others in-game.
  • Players will have the ability to make their order as simple or complicated as they wish, so remember your wait time behind another character will vary greatly. This is especially true if the NPC or player is highly demanding in the exact specifications of their perfect, glorious Starbucks® beverage.

 
 

Objectivity

  • All women will now be topless.
  • All men will now be bottomless.

Well, there you guys have it. Those are the new “Realism Update” patch notes. I don’t know if most of those are going to be good for the game or not. Personally, I don’t think they are. I mean…do I really want to run around with my dork hanging out all the time. Okay…so that’s a resounding, “YES!!!!!“, but still…

I’m his wife – Setting the record straight

Hello there, everyone. This is as he’s been calling himself on here Sunrie’s wife and I want to set the record straight with everyone. I was very shocked dismayed and surprised when I found his writings here and I want to let everyone know he’s actually a very nice man.

I knew he was writing things on the internet, but he was always quiet about what he was posting. He just said, “Fun random stuff.” Well, now I see what he is writing and…I am upset. He is actually just a sweet, nice guy, and I cannot understand why he is putting the things he does here! The tough guy talk, the grotesque descriptions about sexual acts, the woman hate, the borderline racism… It is all shocking to say the least.
 
 
What is the truth? The truth is he is a nice, sweet guy! He is romantic to a fault and is always making sure I am taken care of no matter what! These writings are terrible! He is not someone who hates woman I can tell you for sure! He loving and sweet and nice and lovely. He is just so nice. He feeds the homeless he does not punch them in the face. He pets puppies, he does not drown them. He absolutely loves children and would never beat them. He volunteers with big brothers and is always helping to take disadvantaged kids to amusement parks!
 
 
Why he is writing all of this is beyond my ability to understand. I have asked him, but he just goes quiet and keeps saying he is sorry. He should be sorry. The filth written on this site is terrible. For the sake of it all…he writes poetry! Yes, poetry! His expression in prose and rhyme are comparable to Shakespeare! I am going to make sure this site becomes a shrine to his multiple talents as a loving writer instead of a monument to the hate he currently expresses. This is so unlike him. Until then, know his wife is taking care of the situation and you do not have to worry any longer.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
April Fool’s, bitches!!!!!

Greetings cards I’d like to see

The greeting card industry is worth billions each year. Most card purchases are $2 to $4 a piece. Even with 1.65 billion being sold at Christmas time, we’re still looking at 4.85 billion greeting cards sold each year. That’s some serious walking around money there! There are greetings cards ranging from “It’s a boy!” to “We’re sorry for your loss…”, but even with so much variation, there are a few areas the industry seems to be missing out on.

By adding just these three types of cards I’d like to see on the market, we’d see greeting cards go from being 85% purchases by women to a 50/50 split with men. Even though I can make all this money by myself offering these cards, I’m willing to allow the big name players in the industry a try at these before I swoop in and kick their ass in sales.

Oh, and you can click on the cards to get a larger view in a separate window!


1. Sorry about the STD/Baby
Everyone has cards welcoming new babies into the world and congratulating the parents (as if it’s difficult if you don’t have a poisonous womb) on having a child. What if someone didn’t want a child or you aren’t happy about it? After all, babies are the absolute worst and most permanent STD you can have. The only relief from them are death.

“Do you mean the baby’s or the parents?!” – You
“Yes.” – Me
“You’re horrible!” – You
“Meh.” – Me

This card could go for a boy, a girl, a hermaphrodite, a premie, or aids. Hell, really any STD. Does someone have herpes? Get them a “Sorry about your STD!” card. Did you mean to give them an STD? Well, then there could even be a “Surprise! You have XXX STD!” or even, “HAHAHAHAH! You now have XXX! Thanks for the bang!”

Given how slutty women and undiscriminating men are these days, the retailers would have a hard time keeping these on the shelf.


2. Kill Yourself
Why these aren’t already on the market is beyond me. If ever there was a massive market for an unconventional card, it’s this. I can list at least ten people off the top of my head I would give this card to today. Eight of them I don’t even actually know on a personal level.

Quitting your job? Give your boss this type of card. Hate your co-worker? This card! Don’t like your adult child? This card! Hate your husband? This card! Annoying and depressed female “friend”? Yeah, you guessed it: THIS CARD!

I mean, seriously, these cards wouldn’t last a day once the word got out. There are just too many people these cards can go out to. Hell…the best use would be to send them to every member of congress regardless of political affiliation!


3.I’m a fool and you’re a slut
Yep, this is true. Relationships grow stale and people are so busy pretending to still care, everything falls apart. Why pretend and let things fester to the point of domestic violence when you can express your current feelings? Sure the laundry will still stink, but at least you know what’s up.

Let’s be honest…the real reason you got with that chick is because you thought she was a slut. Well, yeah, okay, so she is. Oh, don’t get upset. Everyone woman is a slut except for your mother, but your father thought she was and that’s why you were born. As for women, the reason you got with that guy is because you thought he was foolish enough to spend money on you while putting everything else by the wayside. Your father was a fool, and that’s why your mother had you. Yep, you read it and I don’t apologize for it.

These cards are great for your screw buddy. It doesn’t matter if it’s for a man or a woman, the card works either way. I guess it could even work for your server or chef, too. Options!


I’m waiting on the endless sea of phone calls I will undoubtedly be receiving soon for the rights to sell these. Everyone else, don’t bother calling because it’s going to end up going straight to voicemail I’ll be so busy…and we all know how I feel about voicemail.