How people are finding my entries (s)

Okay, people, seriously…what the fuck? I really like people finding my writings and reading them, but some of the search terms used to find me are pretty horrific. So, what I’m going to do for everyone is list some of the most “Dude, seriously?” of them here. All search strings are copypasta as they appeared with no editing!

Oh, and any link found on this entry will open to a new window so you can continue to read, while also referencing what I’m talking about.

shaving instant abs
What? Seriously? I guess this has to do with my Incredible Life Hacks entry in which I mention “great looking abs for wookies” and tell people to just shave abs into their fur. Still…why was someone looking this up?
confused monkey
How in the hell did I come up in a search with that string? Also, how deep must I be in those returned results to find me? Except for this page, I don’t think those two words appear directly next to each other in any of my entries…
guy who climbed a mountain with a t-bar
*laughing* Whaaaaat? Who the hell thought to look this up and what led them to think of it? I mean…I honestly don’t even know why someone would want to try to climb a mountain with a god damn t-bar…
i pray for a zombie apocolypse every day
Not only is apocalypse spelled wrong, the fact anyone is praying for it to happen every day is a little disturbing. I’m a fan of unrelenting carnage as much as the next sociopath, but come on…
mk 9 true skill
There is nothing on my sight to give you “true skill” in Mortal Kombat (9). Like, at all. I do have the fake tournament rules I did as a joke, but if you take any of that seriously, well, you’re a dumbass.
ejaculating into the ear
What the hell is wrong with you people?! Still…this is a new one for me! That means it’s time for a party:

well here goes nothin’
Huh? Is this like one of those “I Feel Lucky” things from Google? Nope, this is an actual search string used to locate my writings. Where this leads to and why I haven’t a single idea….at least it got people here, right?
when a guy says i don’t have to lie to you
While most of my writing is tongue in cheek, there is a bit of truth in everything I write. How I present the truth to people, however, is a terrible way to receive advice. This place is a writing site of satire and fun…not a real advice column, regardless of how the entry reads. So, to find this site using that search string…well…you’re better off just hitting the bottle and smiling, then tell him, “Well, I thought that was the best way to solve the issue!”

The truth is, though, if a guy says you don’t have to lie to him, then just fucking don’t lie. Stop lying, god damn it.
felicia day the other
*blink blink* Uh…huh..? I know I did the entry Who I Will Donkey Punch and Why, which had Felicia Day as one of the women, but this search string doesn’t make a lick of sense.
i was fucking myself using a broom does that mean im not a virgin anymore
I’m honestly at a loss of words…
fats food job to hard
Aww, is the little bitch finding working in “fats” food “to” hard? FYI, it’s “fast” and “too”, you fucking illiterate little shit. Given you feel working in the fast food industry is too hard and you can’t even use the correct word (fast, too), being in fast food is all you’re going to be experiencing. Don’t worry…four or five fast food jobs should be enough to scrape by while taking care of three kids with two separate women while living in your mother’s basement. Obama will come to your rescue.
vampire withstand daylight for at least 12hrs
Dick off, Cullen.
can i return something at macy’s i’ve worn
This may have to do with my Actual Customer Complaints (s) entry. That entry has to do with idiot customers…and this search string is probably done by a few of them.

Here’s a tip: Don’t buy something you don’t want or haven’t tried on…and this won’t be a problem!
It’s hard to argue my site is and does has a sexy ass. Still, I can’t figure out why someone was looking this up nor why it got them to my site. Then again, as I said, this site, and me included, does have a sexy ass!
what does it mean when someone screams at you that you ruined them
Once again, any advice you receive from this site isn’t really advice… Still, if you’re asking this question, you must be horribly brain dead. Generally in the moments preceding the statement you ruined them, the reason was talked about…and if it wasn’t, then the reason is going to be stated immediately following that you ruined them.
god created sex people ruined it
Once again: WHY?! I have never discussed this in any of my writings. There is nothing about my sex life at all, but rest assured, I’m awesome.
elyse levesque armpits
Da fuq?
if i dont call or text will he become reinterested/
I know how this found the site. It’s due to the entry called Just Because I Don’t Call You in Four Days…. I just think it’s funny someone was actually considering this and found my site in regards to it.
sexting per minute services
Really? You really needed this?
what does a jack of spades tattoo mean on a man
How come this is even a question? Does it have to mean anything? There’s some bullshit about the Queen of Spades and even the Ace of Spades, but it’s mostly bullshit.
disable pussies
Aside from three to seven days a month, why would you want to disable pussies? Pussies are awesome. I, myself, am quite a vagitarian. I even have an appropriate bib…kinda like a lobster bib, but with a picture of a naked chick spreading her legs.
hot one blowing a donkey
What is…I don’t even…
werewolves bang hot vsmpire chick
…good lord…
when you sneeze on your period meme
*sigh* Does this actually have to be a meme…and why does this link to my writings?
dirty sexy sweaty bestiality stories
Once again…the fuck, people?!
little pussy woman

Well…there’s the most screwed up search strings which have found my writings. You people need help…and I need a shower…


Want to stop bullying? Ask me how! (s)

People with it!
This has been pissing me off for a while. Everyone is on this “anti-bullying” kick and it’s become nothing more than a fucking meme. I hate memes, fads, and bandwagons. What I hate more are a bunch of worthless, weak individuals who think crying about everything and waiting for others do things for them is the solution to problems. Along the same hate lines, I hate people who think they can push people around with absolutely no consequence, and do everything they can to make sure you can’t.

There are a ton, and I do mean a ton, of bullshit “inspirational” images out there on the web, articles in magazines, commercials and even stupid campaigns about bullying. They’re worthless. No matter how many commercials you have, no matter how many images you make, and no matter how many retarded pink shirts you all wear one day a year, you aren’t going to stop bullying. Why? Because it’s human nature and bullying is actually necessary.

Oh, and no, this write up won’t be in list form. I’m sick of that, too. This also isn’t a “How To Guide” in my traditional “How To Guide” sense.

Part of the problem with bullying these days is the fact almost everything is considered bullying. Did someone call someone stupid for asking how to chew gum? BULLYING! Did someone push a kid who was too scared to go down the slide and was frozen crying their eyes out down the slide to get them off of it? BULLYING! Did someone demand work get done as fast as possible all the time while never thanking anyone for them doing their job? BULLYING! Did someone get teased for doing not just one thing, but many things like a moron? BULLYING! Did someone get told their mismatched clothing, done on purpose, doesn’t look good? BULLYING! Did someone not get treated as a perfect, unique, beautiful snowflake? BULLYING!

Eat shit, nerd!None of that is bullying! Just because another person doesn’t like you and lets you know, does not mean you’re not being bullied.

Bullying is when a specific target is selected for constant physical, emotional and/or financial abuse without warrant with the specific intent to cause harm be it physically, emotionally and/or financially. If someone is constantly being beaten up and having their money stolen by the same person, then that’s bullying. If a person is constantly forced into a corner while they are berated with insults until they cry and it goes on every time they are seen by the individual doing the insults, that’s bullying. If a person is beaten up for no other reason than to be beaten up by the same person or people at all times randomly, that’s bullying. Basically, the democratic party if you want a political connection.

So, you’re probably wondering at this point when I’m going to get on about how to stop the actual bullying. I’m getting to that, you impatient bastards. ˂fake crying>Stop bullying me!!! WAAAAA!!!!˂/fake crying>

One for sure way to do it is to stop teaching people they are special and should be respected no matter what. Heads up, fuck heads, you aren’t special, you aren’t unique, and you sure as shit aren’t a beautiful snowflake to be cherished. Just because you are alive on this planet doesn’t mean you are worth it. Just because you are unique does not mean you are useful. Just because you are special does not mean you are welcome. Stop thinking your existence is enough to be left alone or not be bothered. Stop teaching your children they are special to the world. Very few will be and the vast majority of the population as a whole is only alive thanks to modern medicine and conveniences.

Boo hoo, bitch!  So long!Look at what happened to Rebecca Sedwick. She committed suicide because of bullies at school and on Facebook. Why she didn’t delete her Facebook or put it on private or anything else, I don’t know. Actually, I do know…she was a fucking idiot. One of the two girls arrested even claimed, “Yes ik I bullied REBECCA nd she killed her self but IDGAF”. Good for her. Do you people not understand these bullies don’t fucking care about you? Almost the entire god damn world doesn’t give a fuck about you. Welcome to the real world, Rebecca Sedwick, it’s too bad you couldn’t deal with it and left, but most of us aren’t even sad about it. One less overly emotional, bat shit crazy bitch to spread her weakness to future generations.

The ones to blame are Rebecca, her friends, and her family. Her parents not only should have been more active in her life, but they should have taught her to deal with it and fight back. Her death is on her parent’s hands. Mr and Mrs Sedwick, this message is for you: You’re 50% responsible for you daughter’s suicide while 5% of it goes to the “bullies”, 5% to her friends/extended family and 40% on Rebecca herself. She wasn’t a wonderful, beautiful girl with so much to offer.

Harsh? Too fucking bad. As I said, welcome to the real world. If you can’t hang, then hang yourself. If you need help, here’s some help: Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time! Link will open in a separate window.

We can’t end bullying by trying to force people to care about everyone. I can’t be bothered to give a shit about everyone on this planet. There’s really only so much love in a heart to give, and with God, family, a very select group of friends, and America, there’s really nothing left in there.

What we can do to help curb this behavior, is not only by no longer teaching people they should be respected just for living and coddling them, but teaching them how to deal with it better. You’re going to be made fun of, you’re going to learn most of the world doesn’t care if you live or die, you’re going to meet people who don’t like you and you’re going to never fit in with anything other than a specific, and often very small, group of people. I don’t mean by going out and hitting a punching bag or by crying to a psychologist (can’t spell psycho without psychologist), oh no. There are much better ways. One is getting physical either by yourself or with a large group of people who are fed up with it, or by understanding if you are intentionally putting yourself outside of the society norm, you’ll be treated that way.

If you’re dressing like a depressing fuck and talking about suicide, then people are going to fucking avoid you. If you’re only ever talking about My Little Pony and you’re a 13 year old boy, then you’re going to be teased! If you sit around with braces drooling, whining when you sneeze because it hurts, are allergic to your own snot, and try to get the jocks to play the most recent edition of Dungeons and Dragons, then expect to get pushed around. If you just cower and cry when your own shadow is in front of you, then you’re going to get your ass kicked! Humans don’t like anything not associated with “normal human”, and those things aren’t “normal human”. Not everyone has an IQ over 98 here in America and most jocks have an IQ even lower than that. My tested IQ with MENSA is 136 about two weeks prior to this writing, which explains why everyone around me seems so god damn stupid.

Try and take it, pussy!What you need to do is learn to not give one fuck about it. Don’t like the social norms? Fine, then do what you want, but don’t expect everyone to accept it. After all, you aren’t being like them because they are a certain way, so why get whiny over all of it when they act the way you are intentionally avoiding? Own what you are. When you don’t give one fuck about it, people don’t feel like bothering you. It’s only when you start giving an emotional response do they continue on. Some people tease me about the colored grip and coloring on my gun, but do you think I give a shit? Nope. I think it looks bad ass, and I shoot better than 90% of anyone I meet. Not to mention, how pissed off are you going to be if I drill you with a blue “sparkly” gun? Yeah…probably very. Not to mention, how confident must I be to open carry that? Yep. Very.

Learning to deal with it is the first step to being a well rounded individual with a healthy mental state.

One of the best, and my favorite ways, of fixing this problem is violence. Violence is always an answer, but it has to be done right. You can’t be like these twats who believe shooting up everyone is the answer. No, just violence against the person or people directly involved. If you feel violence is never an answer, then please give me your address so I can take over every aspect of your life. Just remember, you can’t fight back physically, as you are “better” than that.

What I’m getting at here is to teach people to fight the fuck back. People push others around because there are no consequences to them. A bully is a bully until they meet another bully. Then they are either friends or a pussy. Give a bully some consequence and they tend to calm the hell down. The reason people, in major cities especially, perform robberies in liquor stores or pedestrians is because they know people have been told to “Just give it up!” The clerk’s aren’t allowed to do anything except hand over money, and people on the street are so neutered, they don’t know how to fight back. States with Stand Your Ground laws kick ass and crime in legal citizens armed areas is always lower.

Fighting back kicks ass. Even though violence isn’t necessarily the first response, it should be at least the second option. You can’t reason with a bully. You can’t make nice with a bully. You can’t talk a bully down…unless you talk them down with a real threat of violence which won’t end well for them. Schools don’t seem to understand this.

I remember telling my youngest brother, who was attacked without provocation and was being suspended for simply being involved in a fight, even though he didn’t fight back, right in front of his principal the next time I have to come and get him for getting suspended over a fight, he better hit the kid in the back of the head with a brick. After all, if he was going to get suspended it better damn well be worth it.

The law says you can fight back. Fuck what you believe is polite or socially acceptable. Defend yourself and fight! Your happiness, well being, and safety is completely up to you. Even if you can get someone else to give a shit about any of that for you, they aren’t going to do it forever. You have to fight back.

Violence has solved most of the problems in the world. It’ll solve your bully problem, too.

Stop apologizing for what you say and stop demanding apologies!

There’s nothing like the good ol’fashioned apology, now is there? You say or do something which hurts someone else, be it in a relationship, between family members, or a stranger and so you apologize. If someone does or says something you don’t like, you get an expect an apology from them. After all, that’s what is supposed to happen, right? Not always and mostly not.

The problem with apologies and apologizing in general these days is it’s a knee jerk reaction and isn’t necessary most of the time. I’m sick and tired of people demanding apologies from others simply because their feelings were hurt or something happened the offended didn’t like. I’m also sick of people apologizing for saying or doing something others don’t like. Knock this bullshit off! Stop apologizing and asking for an apology!

An apology is warranted only after something you honestly didn’t mean to happens does happen, usually physically. For instance, If you’re walking down the street not paying attention and you bump into someone, then apologize. If you say the wrong thing, such as ordering a six piece chicken nugget and you ask for a six inch chicken nugget, then apologize. If you’re trying to open a bag of chips and you back hand your wife as it finally snaps open, yeah, apologize, but only if she didn’t deserve it.

An apology isn’t warranted if you say something or do something and something you wanted to happen, or related happens. If you scream at someone and call them a slut, don’t apologize if that is how you feel. If you kick a third grader down a flight of stairs because they aren’t moving fast enough, then you shouldn’t apologize. Should someone start crying because your political views are different, don’t apologize for feeling the way you do. How you feel and what you say is you. When you do apologize for it, you’re apologize for being you.

The only time I apologize is when it’s warranted, and hardly ever do I find it warranted. My wife knows I don’t apologize unless I not only mean it, but it’s needed. Regardless of what you’re thinking right now, she absolutely is happy about it. Unlike most of the little pussies out there, she knows I’m a man and respects that. If your woman doesn’t respect the fact you’re a man, find a new woman or learn to be a man.
Too many people fall into the trap of apologizing when they shouldn’t. Hell, look at the hell with Paula Deen. There is absolutely no reason she should have apologized for anything. There is absolutely no reason anyone should have been screaming for her to be fired nor demanding an apology from her. It was all bullshit.

Did she call someone a nigger? Yes. Was it deserved? Yes. Some piece of shit black male (AKA a nigger) robbed her at gun point. At home, frustrated and scared, she recounted the incident to her husband and told him it was a nigger who did it. Well…yeah, I agree. There’s a huge difference between a nigger (eg Trayvon Martin) and a black man (eg Bill Cosby). In other words, trash is trash is trash, but we have words to describe certain types of trash (eg trailer trash, wop, and wetback).

The apology Paula Deen gave out should have gone something like this:

In the past I used a word which people find grotesquely offensive to their sensibilities. It is a word I used in anger, over forty years ago, and people are asking for my apology. My apology is this: I am sorry you’re all so fucking sensitive. Suck my old, puffy, gray pube covered, southern vagina. It’s spicy and cripsy! There’s as much butter down there as in my mashed potatoes.

Is it any surprise a southern woman used the word “nigger” when she was pissed off, frightened and alone with her husband? No, it shouldn’t be. Hell, look at the Trayvon Martin fiasco with Rachel “Dee Dee” Jeantel thinking calling white people “crackers” as a general term wasn’t racist. I’m not going to go on a rant about the dog and pony show which was the Zimmerman case, but I think we can see the difference here with Paula Deen and why she didn’t need to apologize.

Asking for a southern woman to apologize for being a southern woman is like asking a gang banging piece of shit to be sorry for being a gang banging piece of shit.
The man in the picture to the left is Bob Beckal. He’s a democrat and a contributor to Fox News. He also is one of the stars for The Five, a hilarious round table discussion show on the aforementioned network. While me may be bat shit crazy in most ways, this man does not apologize unless he 100% needs to. He also has my respect because he stands firm on his beliefs, even if I don’t agree with most of them.

The only time Bob Beckal makes an apology is when he says something which is actually wrong. For instance, if he made the claim of vanilla ice cream being the lowest selling ice cream in the United States, he’ll make an apology and correct himself. If he says someone is an idiot for believing in, let’s say, Santa Clause, he will not apologize for hurting someone’s feelings. Why? Because he honestly feels that way. Awesome.

What I really love is when he will bring up how people are asking him to apologize for something he said. He’ll look right at the camera and straight up tell them he refuses to apologize. He’s right for doing it, too. This man is one of the maybe three democrats I can respect.

Be more like me and Bob Beckal there. Stop apologizing for doing or saying shit. I’m tired of celebrities coming out and making a “Sorry!” post/video trying to make people’s pussy stop bleeding.

On that note, here’s Watsky with Ugly Faces:

“Sorry, not sorry.”

Ten lies employers and bosses will tell you

Getting a job sucks. I don’t mean having to work, I mean finding a job you think will prevent you from wanting to commit suicide every single day. The worst part of a job, aside from dealing with a myriad asshats on a daily basis, is going to be your boss. During your application process, you will undoubtedly have an interview with someone who will be your boss. They’re going to lie to you.

There are a lot of sites out there with a list of things employers will tell you when looking for a job. Those lists aren’t things which surprise anyone, so they’re mostly useless. Much like most people. What people need is a post of things your future boss will say to you during the hiring process which are full of absolute shit. Much like what your boss will be. Lucky for you, I have just such a list!

1. I can definitely work around your school schedule
100% absolute bullshit. Your employer isn’t hiring someone they need to work around, they are hiring someone to fill a position with specific requirements. The only way you’ll get hired is if you are close to the end of your semester and they only have to work around you for a few weeks to a month at most. After that, you can go ahead and turn in your updated schedule, but don’t expect for your boss to actually listen.

What is going to happen is you’ll be berated, belittled, and have your hours cut back so much it will be pointless for you to continue working there. Your boss was only willing to work around you when they thought you were going to be doing the same schedule until the end of time and/or you were going to be finished some time soon. Most bosses are stupid. They rise to their level of incompetence and that level is above you. There are exceptions to this rule, but they are far and few between.

No one wants to work around you when you are supposed to be helping with work.

2. I’m hiring you because you are the kind of person I can trust to let me know when I’m wrong
Oh, hell no. This should send up as many red flags you’ll be getting fucked in the ass against your will every ten minutes as a blind date with Robin Thicke. No one hires people to tell them they’re wrong. Your boss isn’t interested in new ways of doing things. They are interested in you doing what they say to do and usually only how they said to do it.

Who likes to be told they’re wrong? No one and your boss is no different. They may not rip you a new asshole right then and there, but your life is about to be made a living nightmare.

3. I’m looking forward to you providing new and interesting ideas
You have ideas? What will happen is you will come in with all these ideas, thinking this is what they want, and everything you come up with will instantly be ignored. Sure, they might “oooh” and “awe” over it, but things will never be implemented. Should your boss actually like your idea, don’t expect any kind of credit. Why would you get credit when they have to make it seem they should stay in their position while you are kept in yours?

4. I’m looking for someone who can become the next manager for the company
Managers are terrified of anyone who can do the job well because it makes them look even worse. Remember that people rise to their level of incompetency, and when you come across as competent, you will never advance. Never excel and you’ll exceed expectations.

When someone says they are looking for the next manager, what they mean is someone who does only what the policy says and things which are in no way company policy but they or the district manager says. District managers are even worse than a store manager in terms of being worthless, so keep that in mind. If you’re seen as someone who could possibly rise through hard work, dedication, and the real ability to do the job, you’re going to get fired.

No one wants someone to work for them who is better at the job all around.

5. I need someone who is a self starter and I don’t have to micromanage them
For most bosses, they love to micromanage. They’ll be on your butt ten times every minute about getting something done, only to pull you off of it and make you do something else. Lather, rinse, repeat…always repeat. I don’t get why…from the way I see it, they don’t have enough to do. Maybe it’s because they’re so incompetent they automatically assume everyone else is as well. If they couldn’t figure out how to do it without a rod up their ass, then you obviously can’t either.

As far as the “self starter” goes, you will never, ever, ever, never self start what they want you to do. No matter how important something seems or how badly something needs to be cleaned, the priority for your boss is different. Self starting means starting what the boss told you to do and not what you think you should do. You’ll always get in trouble for self starting something.

6. We all get along and like to have fun
*laughing uncontrollably* Okay…okay…*deep breath*…I’m…okay…*laughs uncontrollably again for the next fifteen minutes straight*

Phew…now that’s out of my system, let’s discuss this.

Your boss hates it when everyone gets along. Why? Because it’s easier for everyone to gang up against them and complain to the people who can do something about them. “Getting along” at the work site is not the same as getting along with people outside of it. When you’re told “…see people get along…” what they mean is you can work next to each other, saying as little as possible, not be actual friends inside nor, especially, outside of work, and not constantly ledge complaints against one another.

The moment people start to actually get along with each other, you can guarantee the next fake policy your boss comes up with is no one is supposed to be talking to each other while you work. Is it actually policy? Fuck no, but it’s a way of having power over everyone and making sure no one can get together against them. A group of people who get along is dangerous to them.

Having fun? Yeah, having fun means just doing your job, not making jokes, not complaining, and not talking to your co-workers outside of asking business related questions. Sometimes fun might include a pot luck or a pizza, but never laughing, smiling, or actually getting along. If you’re having fun, you obviously aren’t working hard enough and you’ll be punished with it by having more work given to you.

7. We appreciate hard work and reward it
Let me state the obvious: BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

No one rewards your hard work and the only one who appreciates it is you. You’re expected to work hard, so there’s never a reward at the end of the murder tunnel. Even the bright light is stolen before you can even enjoy passing on. You’ll never reach Heaven and Hell is locked off to you. You’re stuck in that deep, dark, damp, murder tunnel until you turn mad and start helping destroying the souls of the next traveler.

Do you want to know what hard work actually is? It’s getting your work done just in time for it to be on time, and, most importantly, getting in as friends with your boss and their boss. That’s it…that’s hard work. You don’t have to be actually good at your current job to be rewarded. You just have to be in with the higher ups in order to get promoted to your level of incompetency, that way you can make everyone under you suffer. You’ll be their boss and you can pass all your work on to them while taking all the credit.

With me, it’s not too much different, except if you try to be my friend I’ll devour your soul without sending you into the murder tunnel. I hate fakers and can recognize talent. If I can reward you, then I will, but if not, then fuck off and keep doing your job.

8. We always have advancement opportunities
Do I really have to explain why this is bullshit? There are never advancement opportunities for the vast majority of employees regardless of ability unless they are in with the higher ups. Period

9. The salary is very competitive
Honestly, what this translates into is, “If you don’t like our offer, good luck somewhere else!” There is no competition when it comes to salary. The jobs all pay the same. If they offer you $12 an hour, the place down the street is going to offer you $12 an hour. Not one company is going to salary match, so don’t even bother. If the shop down the street wants to give you $22.50 when they’re offering $22.00, then go down the god damn street. Trust me, no one wants you to work for them that bad.

You aren’t going to get into a bidding war for your worthless ass. They’re going to hire someone who is willing to take the lower offer even if they aren’t going to be as good as you. Why? Because it’s cheaper for the company every paycheck. Why spend the money on talent when they can get cheap?

10. I’m a very laid back boss
When you hear this, the nuclear attack alarms should be going off in your brain. If you hear a female boss say this, your world is actually going to be filled with the biggest terrors you can’t even picture. Anyone who feels the need to say this is trying to put you into a false sense of security. Once you think everything is all good and calm, your boss will jump out of a closet while wielding dual kama, face painted in blood, a child’s severed head on his belt, while the lights flicker on and off and they scream, “NINJA!!!!!”

The kind of crazy exhibited with these kinds of bosses is on the high end of the bat-shit-crazy-scale. Generally they have random mood swings and are always (I do mean always) drinking a bottle of water. Often times you will see them routinely licking their lips like a crack fiend, too. Nothing good ever comes from that.

If you’re two minutes late, you’ll be screamed at. If you turn a project in a day early, they lose it, get in trouble, blame you, and you’ll be screamed at. They will forget you’re you and not the guy next to you, and you’ll be screamed at, then they’ll turn to the person they thought was you and calmly explain why something was wrong. In general, their attitude is this: Fuck you. Not everyone else, just you.

That should do it for now. Be expecting more entries as they are done. Yes, that makes sense, fuck you.

Greetings cards I’d like to see

The greeting card industry is worth billions each year. Most card purchases are $2 to $4 a piece. Even with 1.65 billion being sold at Christmas time, we’re still looking at 4.85 billion greeting cards sold each year. That’s some serious walking around money there! There are greetings cards ranging from “It’s a boy!” to “We’re sorry for your loss…”, but even with so much variation, there are a few areas the industry seems to be missing out on.

By adding just these three types of cards I’d like to see on the market, we’d see greeting cards go from being 85% purchases by women to a 50/50 split with men. Even though I can make all this money by myself offering these cards, I’m willing to allow the big name players in the industry a try at these before I swoop in and kick their ass in sales.

Oh, and you can click on the cards to get a larger view in a separate window!

1. Sorry about the STD/Baby
Everyone has cards welcoming new babies into the world and congratulating the parents (as if it’s difficult if you don’t have a poisonous womb) on having a child. What if someone didn’t want a child or you aren’t happy about it? After all, babies are the absolute worst and most permanent STD you can have. The only relief from them are death.

“Do you mean the baby’s or the parents?!” – You
“Yes.” – Me
“You’re horrible!” – You
“Meh.” – Me

This card could go for a boy, a girl, a hermaphrodite, a premie, or aids. Hell, really any STD. Does someone have herpes? Get them a “Sorry about your STD!” card. Did you mean to give them an STD? Well, then there could even be a “Surprise! You have XXX STD!” or even, “HAHAHAHAH! You now have XXX! Thanks for the bang!”

Given how slutty women and undiscriminating men are these days, the retailers would have a hard time keeping these on the shelf.

2. Kill Yourself
Why these aren’t already on the market is beyond me. If ever there was a massive market for an unconventional card, it’s this. I can list at least ten people off the top of my head I would give this card to today. Eight of them I don’t even actually know on a personal level.

Quitting your job? Give your boss this type of card. Hate your co-worker? This card! Don’t like your adult child? This card! Hate your husband? This card! Annoying and depressed female “friend”? Yeah, you guessed it: THIS CARD!

I mean, seriously, these cards wouldn’t last a day once the word got out. There are just too many people these cards can go out to. Hell…the best use would be to send them to every member of congress regardless of political affiliation!

3.I’m a fool and you’re a slut
Yep, this is true. Relationships grow stale and people are so busy pretending to still care, everything falls apart. Why pretend and let things fester to the point of domestic violence when you can express your current feelings? Sure the laundry will still stink, but at least you know what’s up.

Let’s be honest…the real reason you got with that chick is because you thought she was a slut. Well, yeah, okay, so she is. Oh, don’t get upset. Everyone woman is a slut except for your mother, but your father thought she was and that’s why you were born. As for women, the reason you got with that guy is because you thought he was foolish enough to spend money on you while putting everything else by the wayside. Your father was a fool, and that’s why your mother had you. Yep, you read it and I don’t apologize for it.

These cards are great for your screw buddy. It doesn’t matter if it’s for a man or a woman, the card works either way. I guess it could even work for your server or chef, too. Options!

I’m waiting on the endless sea of phone calls I will undoubtedly be receiving soon for the rights to sell these. Everyone else, don’t bother calling because it’s going to end up going straight to voicemail I’ll be so busy…and we all know how I feel about voicemail.

Valentine’s Day is not really a holiday!

Let's Get Drunk and Screw
Ah yes, February 14th, better known as Valentine’s Day. At least, it’s better known to all those annoying women out there who are looking forward to getting more shit they don’t deserve, but not so much for us guys. There are a multitude of reasons why men simply hate this Hallmark holiday. The only reason men go through the motions of this moronic day is to get pussy around their dick. Yes, we only do it for sex.

First of all, when it comes to Valentine’s Day, men don’t like crap. Teddy bears, chocolate, romantic movies, flowers, expensive dinners, talking: You know, crap! None of these things were invented with a man in mind. Sure, every so often some queer will go along with you women to a romantic movie because they want to, but don’t get that confused with men going to see romantic movies.

While I’m talking about crap that are given as gifts on V-Day, this is another area men get screwed on, and not in the good way. We see it up to a week before Valentine’s: Some poor pussy whipped bitch of a man is running ragged trying to find that perfect gift for his unappreciative woman. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are a very small few of you chicks out there that actually don’t freak when a man doesn’t give you any thing except for a small box of candy hearts. I’m not talking to you.

Valentine’s Day is NOT supposed to be a quest for the perfect present. Yet, we always see the aforementioned guy having a hernia in fear that his gift isn’t going to get him poontang, so he buys three times the amount of gifts he should have. Sometimes, the ungrateful bitch STILL won’t put out!!!! The only thing you should expect is a smile and a “Happy Valentine’s Day!” when we see you. Just because you have a vagina doesn’t mean you are entitled to anything because of that fact.

As I’ve been saying, it’s a Hallmark holiday. That means it’s basically made up so certain people can make more money. Now, I’m all for businesses making money, but I’m not all for creating a holiday to do it. I’m not going to insist on a “Advertising Production Artists Day” in order to force people to give me more money. Like Hallmark hasn’t cornered the market enough as it is! There are cards ranging from “Get Well Soon” to “Commit Suicide, You Lazy Fuck”.

Hmm…I’m on the subject of Hallmark, who makes cards, and Valentine’s Day at the same time. Good time to bring up a damn good point when it comes to cards. Don’t expect us to write anything else in the fucking card nor get pissed when we don’t! There is already writing on the inside of the card, so there is no point in writing anything else. I’m not paying $5.95 for Hallmark to write what I was thinking or want you to believe what I was thinking, just so that I have to actually write something more in the damn card! If I wanted you to know what the hell I was thinking, I would tell you. Men don’t talk about their feelings, so Hallmark does it for us!

Come on, do women REALLY need a special day just for them? Of course not. This further places the idea in their head that they deserve something just for being women! The only thing they really deserve is to be at the end of your penis, and they should be damn happy to be there since you were even willing to talk to her.

Now, there are certain instances when Valentine’s Day an be good. Actually, only one, really…and that’s if the chick’s birthday is on Valentine’s Day. I know what you’re thinking guys, “But doesn’t that complicate matters even more?!” HELL NO! This is great! With minimal effort, both issues are dealt with at once. Not only are you giving her birthday presents, you’re also giving her V-Day presents. This makes you seem sweet when you’re still being a huge asshole to keep her self esteem down!

V-Day is the time to get your balls relieved, guys, because there are so many desperate and lonely women out there. Look, no one is saying that you have to hold their hand in the mall nor marry them, so it really doesn’t matter if she’s a 5 or a 6. This is a one time bang, or you can keep her around for later booty calls. Remember, you’re not looking for a relationship, now are you? Oh, fuck no. Besides, Valentine’s Day is the worst time to look for one anyway, since the women are desperate and usually turn very pyscho because of it.

There are only three things you need to remember. These are the three “F’s” of dating: Find them, Feed them, Fuck them. That’s it. Oh, and make sure you either do it at a willing buddy’s house or her place. You don’t want to let her know where you live. Also, keep it under $40 for the night. No reason to spend all that money on some cheap whore you picked up to just screw and/or keep around for booty calls. If she thinks you’re willing to spend money, she’ll hang around expecting you to spend it all on her. Don’t let her.

Well, there it is, out in the open, the truth about Valentine’s Day and why men hate it. If a guy gets you anything, ladies, you best at least suck his dick. Lord knows he did it just because he felt the responsibility to, and this means you now have a responsibility of your own!

Oiriginally posted 05/04/2006 by me on OpenDiary-“Ramblings of the Sunrie”

Trolling bad customers

Customers in America are generally stupid, entitled, and all around morons. For some reason, customer service in America has become calling the competition, calling phone numbers from customer phones on business lines to hide the customer’s phone number, bending over backward to get them something for free, and licking their dirty butt puckers. No thank you. Customer service is doing what the company has set forth as guidelines in the “you can do this, but not that” style policies. If the request cannot be done, it cannot be done and that sucks. I’m sure there’s something they will do for you instead, but you aren’t guaranteed to get what you want.

Well…I’ve trolled some bad customers in the past. I’m sure I’ll troll some bad ones in the future. Here’s a small list of things I’ve done, sometimes with the company I was at during the time, for your enjoyment.

Company: Santoro’s Pizzeria
Outcome: Unintentional Trolling and Apology to the Customer

I don’t always mean to troll and I usually have a filter. However, my personality doesn’t always allow me to not be flirty nor trolling. I don’t always troll just bad customers, either. Sometimes I troll good customers just for the fun of it if I know them well enough.

Well, the owners of the place allowed their ex-daughter-in-law to work there. She was not a very…well, she looked like an actual troll. Often times she’d have long hairs sticking out of a mole on her face or come to work with a massive white head, right on her face. She had two children; meaning, frighteningly, someone had sex with her at least twice…

Many times she would bring in her two crumb munchers. These things were pretty much out of control. I cannot tell you how many times I had to basically lock them in the fridge unit to keep them from running around and bother customers as they ate. If I wouldn’t be arrested for it, I would have tied them up to the fire hydrant outside like a couple of dogs.

On this particular day I came in for the closing shift and this lady wanted to talk to a manager. Well, the owners didn’t want any kind of hierarchy with their employees, but since I wasn’t the one with the kids causing problems, wasn’t one of the servers at the time, and I was the eldest out of all the others coming in, it was my problem now. I didn’t know exactly what happened, but figured it was the cause of one of these carpet mites, so I groaned and agreed to talk to the lady.

“Hello, ma’am. What is it I can do for you?” – Me
“First off all, I’m trying to eat my pizza with my daughter and these little kids are running around screaming the entire time! This is not a day care center!” – Her
“*I nod my head* I completely agree with you there. I didn’t know she was brought her kids in with her and she’s been asked to keep them in the back office. They shouldn’t be running around.” – Me
“Good! Well, I am sitting here, trying to eat while those kids run around screaming and they’re tossing pizza dough all over the place! The next thing I know, as I’m about to tell them to shut up, I’m smacked in the back of the head with dough! I feel as though I’ve been assaulted!!!!!!” – Her
…now…I was finishing the police academy at the time and I switched into “future cop” mode…
“Technically, ma’am, you’ve been battered.” – Me

There was a brief pause as we both looked at each other. She had a “” look on her face and I know I must have looked like someone pooped on a kitten right before me. The rest of the staff, behind the counter, all start cracking up uncontrollably. I just blink at her a few times, not sure what to say or do. Finally, I was able to speak.

“…I’m sorry, ma’am, I didn’t mean it to come out that way… I am finishing up a few courses at the police academy and I have the POST test coming up, my mind went to my schooling… We’re obviously not going to charge you for the meal.” – Me
“I…well…thank you…Thank you for doing the right thing!” – Her

At this point she wasn’t even upset. She seemed as fuddled as I was. Her daughter had her hands over her mouth, trying not to laugh too loudly. I was able to comp the check and get a tip from her, even though she wasn’t my customer.

Company: Almost every retail establishment ever
Outcome: Personal Satisfaction

For some reason, customers think they are not only funny, but original as well. I blame Saturday Night Live and YouTube for this. Oh, and parents who love them no matter what. I can’t imagine how screwed up I’d be if my parents loved me no matter what… Mommy…mommy..? Why are you making the wire hanger bright red on the stove, mommy?! Sorry, sometimes I like to remember how awesome my parents were.

Also, for some reason, customers are brain dead as hell. It’s as if we live in the Twighlight Zone and everyone except my immediate family, wife included, had their brain exchanged with a chipmunk. Then again, chipmunks seem to be able to function. I believe I’m thinking of a retarded chipmunk…yeah, that’s it.

Here are some of my favorite retorts to customer jokes and stupid questions or statements:
“Give me just a second to look for another one or find a reference number for this. It doesn’t have a scan tag on it.” – Me
“Well, then it must be free!!!!!!!!!!! *BURSTS INTO UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHER, SLAPPING THE COUNTER TOP*” – Them
“Policy dictates the price is triple current sales price to prevent fraud.” – Me

“Is there anything I can help you find?” – Me
“A million dollars! *shouts it in excitement like it’s never been said before*” – Them
“Why would I be wanting to serve you if I had or knew where to get a million dollars no strings attached?” – Me

“Thank you for calling [Location Name], how can I help you?” – Me
“Are you open?” – Them
“No, we’re closed. I have all after hours calls forwarded to my personal cellphone just to take care of people who need help when no one is in the store.” – Me

“Hey, welcome in! Is there anything I can help you with today?” – Me
“Do you think I can just look around?” – Them
“No. I’m required to sell something to everyone who comes in. Lucky for you, there’s $0.50 impulse items at the register.” – Me

“Why don’t you have [Some Stupid Shit] in stock?!” – Them
“They didn’t send any/We’re out.” – Me
“Why’s that?!” – Them
“I don’t know. Your question is above my pay grade.” – Me

“Will you tell ‘them’/the owners/corporate to start getting [Some Stupid Shit] in the store?” – Them
“Sure, I’ll ride my unicorn up there just so they know I’m serious, otherwise they won’t listen to me.” – Me

Company: BestBuy
Outcome: Scared Lady and 10% off

I spend too much money at BestBuy. Not just because their prices are a little high, but because I buy too many videogames and other electronics there. Believe it or not, the one in which this account takes place has really good employees and all around friendly staff. They also don’t freak out and understand it’s legal to open carry in Colorado.

I was waiting in line, the next to be up, when I hear this old bitch start shouting about how she refuses to show “some Mexican” her ID in order to purchase something.

“I don’t know where you get off asking to see MY ID! I don’t ask to see your green card!” – Her

The person ringing her up couldn’t have been older than 22 years old and was this cute little female. There was no way this girl was here illegally and, from the look of her, she obviously wasn’t Mexican decent, she was Indian decent.

“Your credit card doesn’t have a signature on it, so I have to get an ID or I can’t let you use it.” – Clerk
“This is so rude! I cannot believe you people are even allowed to ask for it, for ANY REASON!” – Her

So…having already had enough of this bullshit, and just wanting to buy my videogame, I start walking towards her.

“Ma’am, what’s the problem here?!” – Me
“This illegal wants to see my ID!” – Her
“She’s obviously not illegal, but if you don’t want her to see your ID, then maybe you can just let me see both cards and I’ll verify it to her?” – Me
“That’s fine. A nice American boy doing the right thing, thank you.” – Her

The clerk hands me the credit card, the woman hands her ID, I look at them and nod to the clerk. I don’t hand the lady back her ID, though.

“So…your name’s [NAME].” – Me
“Yes, that’s right.” – Her
“You live at [ADDRESS]?” – Me
“That’s what the ID says.” – Her
“Do you know my name?” – Me
“Uh, huh? No, I don’t, of course not. Don’t be silly. We just met.” – Her
“Do you know my address?” – Me
“Well obviously I wouldn’t. What’s your point?” – Her
“[HER FULL NAME] who lives at [ADDRESS], why would you give me your ID without knowing who I am, what I want, or what I would do with it? I know who you are and where you live now.” – Me

She just stares at me, speechless as I hand her back the card and the clerk gives her the items she came in to buy.

“Oh, and by the way, I’m a first generation American, you old bitch. So think about how badly you just screwed up as you walk back to your car. I’m not saying I would change my locks, I’m just saying I’d be smarter about things!” – Me

She leaves in a fluster, running out of the store, constantly looking over her shoulder. I give the clerk my items.

“I will be paying with a card, too, but you can always make sure it’s me by asking for my ID. She would have been pissed if someone had stolen that card and used it, but no one asked for ID.” – Me
“Thanks, I don’t even let it bother me anymore. My family has been here since the 30’s. I’m not even Mexican!” – Clerk
“You got me beat…my parents came over in the mid 60’s as children!” – Me

She and I both laugh and when I get the total, I thought I had missed a lower price on the item. Turns out she gave me a 10% off discount.

Company: Eddie Bauer
Outcome: Corporate Check Refund Against Corporate Policy

Just so everyone knows, if you buy something at Eddie Bauer they have to take it back no matter what. Have five year old underwear? They’ll take it back! If you have a receipt, you can get the full price you paid back! I highly suggest everyone takes advantage of this. Buy something, keep the receipt, beat the hell out of it for years, and then return it to either trade up or get the same thing brand new. If you don’t have the receipt, you can still get credit to use in the store in either a gift certificate or a merchandise credit. They aren’t allowed to care one way or another. We used to have people spill things like paint on their $300 down jacket and we had to either take it back or exchange it for a new one. Yep. Do it!

Being former city and military police, I always carried a recorder with me in my pocket. Any customer I talked to, I recorded. Yes, it’s totally legal, you idiots.

With that said, I was working as the temporary manager, since I was the key holder, on the men’s side and we were slammed. I was beginning the process to start an EMT program and needed something else, besides law enforcement, to do, which would give me the time to get everything done and that was it. Well, the manager on the women’s side tells me to just run the register, since I’m the fastest one in the store at it, and she will do her best to cover both sides. We only had two other people working the men’s department and corporate policy demanded there always been someone greeting at all entrances (there were two in this store) and someone on the register. Since the line was backing up into the women’s section, I didn’t have a choice.

For about fifteen minutes I’m cranking people out of the store and I can finally see the end of it all: Only 8 more people in line total! A man walks up with two arms full of clothing. He was holding something like four pairs of socks, three jeans and six shirts from what I recall. He’s obviously older than me, in his late thirties at least, but he has those boyish looks which makes you want to punch him even without getting to know him. With him is this tiny blond with so much jewelry on she could single-highhandedly wipe away Obama’s deficit.

“Hey, what can I do for you?” – Me
“Well, my secretary got me some things for my birthday and they aren’t my style. Most of them don’t even fit. I don’t shop at Eddie Bauer, I’ve never even been in one since before today. There’s nothing here that I would ever have an interest in.” – Him

Looking at this guy it was obvious he loved there was forests, but didn’t think anyone belonged in them. He would fight for free speech, but would demand you be disarmed. Don’t you dare search him or his car, but if you don’t have anything to hide, then you shouldn’t be worried about searches. You know…a libtard.

“Oh, that’s fine. Do you happen to have a gift receipt or the original receipt?” – Me
“No, of course I don’t. Why would I have a receipt? I told you these were gifts!” – Him
“Which is exactly why I asked if you had a gift receipt.” – Me
“I don’t. So I can’t return these?” – Him
“No, you can return them. Most of this stuff just went on sale today, so I’m not even going to mark these down to that. I seriously doubt you ran around grabbing this stuff and then brought it up to us.” – Me

I laugh and so does he. The blond isn’t even cracking a smile, just looking as dead any woman who bases how much she’s worth by how successful the man she’s with is. Most of the items I have to pull up in the terrible system in order to find numbers for and find what the price was before the day’s sale. I finish everything up and give him the amount.

“Okay, so what I can do is either provide a merchandise credit, in which case I will have to take a copy of your driver’s license, or I can do it on a gift card. Neither of them expire, but the gift card gives you the option of letting someone else use it.” – Me
“Unacceptable.” – Him
“Uh, what?” – Me
“Unacceptable. Are you fucking deaf?” – Him
“No, but I’m about to have selective hearing if you continue with that attitude.” – Me
“Just give me cash.” – Him
“I can’t. The system doesn’t even allow me to change the options.” – Me
“Then that whole thing about returns at any time is no problem up on the banner behind you is a god damn lie?!” – Him

He points to the banner, and yes, it does say “Return anything at any time!” It also said, “Eddie Bauer”, “First Ascent” and…underneath where it said “Return anything at anytime!” I pointed out the very slightly smaller print.

“It also says, right there, ‘Merchandise credit is given with no receipt.'” – Me
“No! I want MONEY CASH MONEY!” – Him
“I can’t.” – Me
“Let me talk to who’s in charge here!” – Him
“Me.” – Me as I tap my name tag which says “Manager”
“This is bullshit! PURE BULLSHIT! Just give me everything back!” – Him
“Very well. If you decide to bring it back in the future, if you don’t see me the person might not give you the full price for them and it’ll be the lowest sales price in the last ninety days instead.” – Me
“Oh, that’s fucking beautiful! FUCK ALL OF YOU! I am NEVER SHOPPING HERE AGAIN!” – Him
“Sir, you stated you never shopped here to begin with and this is the first time you’ve even been in our stores.” – Me

As he’s storming out, screaming, with his dead-in-the-soul blond in tow, he can’t help but scream, “FUCK YOU!” one more time. At this point, the female manager finally comes running over asking what’s going on. I fill her in and she starts freaking out about how we aren’t allowed to let people leave upset. She tries to find him, but can’t…that’s because someone called security and the guy was met by the cops who have a sub-station in the mall as well as mall security. They escorted him out of the mall because he was screaming in the commons at everyone.

The co-worker I was with backed me up on everything and how I was doing what corporate told us to do, as well as the store and district managers told us to do. During break, a bunch of people came up to talk to me about it and when I got to the part about how he said he was never shopping at Eddie Bauer again, I told them, “Remember how he said he never shopped here anyway. It’s like a vegetarian boycotting KFC. Who the fuck cares?”

A little over a week later, the store manager comes up to me and asks what happened. I tell her and she says, “Okay.” She then goes on to tell me how, even though I didn’t have the power to give him cash, I should have worked out a way to get him cash (WTF?!) and customers are never allowed to leave upset. Turns out he called corporate, screamed at them, they folded, gave him a full refund for all the items, allowed him to KEEP the items, and wanted me to sign a letter of apology. I refused and was threatened with a write up. I told her I cannot be written up for following company policy and then told her I had a recording of the encounter. She was shocked and surprised, then told me I wasn’t allowed to. Since there is no policy against it, I told her I would continue to do so and it’s to protect both me and the customer.

That recorder saved me two other times at that job and another time when I worked at Zales while doing my medical schooling after I left Eddie Bauer.

Well, that’s good enough for now. I may do another one in the future some time, but for now…it’s a wrap!