Domestic Violence – Cure Has Been Found!

This is great! Like two scoops or raisins!
The greatest news from specialists at the “Mayo Labs” has been released yesterday, and we’re glad to be one of the first people to bring it to you, thanks to use completely disregarding our NDA!

Since the beginning of time, or rather 1994 in America, we’ve been doing everything we can to end domestic violence by calling attention to it with special laws. We’ve originally believed the issue was deep routed psychological issues, or even a learned behavior from previous generations. All the research in the world didn’t seem to help. That is until now! What is this miracle cure which is guaranteed to stop any and all domestic violence? Here it is:

Shut the Fuck Up!

Yep. That’s it! Think about how simple an instruction this is. You’d think everything would be much more complicated, but the facts prove it really isn’t. Checking with current and former domestic violence victims we can see everything stems from not just keeping their mouth shut unless asked directly for a response…and even then it might be better to just shut up.

The Core Principle
At its core the principle is simple and yet complicated. As human beings, we’re conditioned to speak with others and even provide responses. Those of us who have been wronged are often found trying to find defense with our words. This faulted evolutionary trait must be fought and controlled if we are to continue to evolve as a species while also ending domestic violence.

Imagine this scenario:
Your husband/boyfriend/brother/guy friend comes home and he’s already in a bad mood. He has a history of knocking in your teeth for being a “disrespectful bitch” and he is expecting, not only a nice dinner, but a deep vacuum of the entire place. You managed to get a 100% perfect job on vacuuming the carpet, but the broccoli is slightly cold in the middle, meaning you didn’t cook it well enough.

Man – “What the fuck is this?!”
You – “Dinner…”
Man – “No! THIS IS SHIT! It’s FROZEN in the middle!”
You – “I did it the way…”

Suddenly he jumps across the table and punches your stupid face into the ground.

This was your fault. You didn’t keep your mouth shut! You shouldn’t have said anything.

Now let’s look at how you should have handled the same situation, but keeping your mouth shut:

Man – “What the fuck is this?!”
You – “…”
Man – “You fucking IGNORING ME?!”
You – “…”
Man – “YOU DISRESPECTFUL BITCH!”

Suddenly he jumps across the table, grabs you by the throat for a second and then stops sighing.

Man – “At least you did the fucking vacuuming! I’m going out for dinner. Eat your shit or starve!”

He then leaves, bangs a random bar slut, gets an STD, and then fucks your brains out later that night to assert his dominance. You are in a much better position this time!

Psychology of the Cure
The only psychology involved is your own. Keeping your mouth shut takes tremendous mental strength. By doing exercises such as no longer speaking to friends and family nor communicating with anyone at all, you can eventually learn to keep your mouth shut unless specifically asked to respond. Even when asked to respond, you should know exactly what is expected of you. This can take years, so getting out of the relationship just because you’re weak is ill advised.

Testimonials from the Participants
We’ve acquired some testimonials from participants of the original study for your reading pleasure. You’ll see the subject’s names and read their experience with it all, including how long it lasted before hand.


Name: Sarah McKennis
Nationality: Irish
Current Residence: Missouri
Results According to Subject:
My husband, Mitchell, was one of the hardest hitters I had ever been with. He would beat me until I would fall unconscious constantly. No matter what the conversation was about, it would end with me getting slugged in the face like it was there for visible punctuation. The exclamation marks were his favorite. His cock though…oh my god! It’s the biggest reason I didn’t leave him, and besides, I’m a strong woman and not a quitter.

When I heard of this study I told Mitchell. “GOOD!” he told me and busted my face open so deeply I ended up with six staples across my face from biting a hole in my own face. I didn’t even wait for my mistake to heal and went straight to the study.

How are things now? Well, I’ve learned to keep my mouth closed and only speak when I should be replying. As for why I’m in this hospital bed giving my evaluation…well…I forgot to check attitude at the door when he made a comment about feeling old. Rule number one is to shut the fuck up, and I didn’t. I told him it’s okay if he gets old and I still love him. My mistake! However, the study still stands and I give it a 100%


Name: Timmy Ashford
Nationality: American
Current Residence: New Mexico
Results According to Subject:
Stephen is my step-dad. Well, he’s my step-dad in the sense he’s always having sex with my mother, lives with us, eats all our food, drinks all day, refuses to marry my mom and give me a father in a proper family setting, all the while beating my ass raw. I used to be a bad kid, but now I know my place. I no longer make the same mistakes as so many of my friends do. He even lets me call him Stephen now and not “Master”.

What started me in the trial is when Stephen had been asking me to clean my room five or six times in a single day. Like I said, I was a bad kid in those days, and refused to do anything he said because I was angry at him for just being around. So, after the fifth or sixth time of him screaming for me to clean up my room, I yelled back, “FUCK YOU STEPHEN! You’re not even my real dad!” You can imagine the three hour beating with a belt, a hot curling iron, and his fists. He got so tired my mother even had to take over beating me when he broke his hands on my ass!

My mommy had enough of my attitude and couldn’t take the stress anymore, just knowing I would continue to make Stephen mad, so she looked through the papers on where she could take me. She stumbled upon the trial and enrolled me right away. I got time away from Stephen and learned to keep my mouth shut for my own good!

A+ program and I highly suggest all other bad kids, which is all kids, to enroll!


Name: Tiffany-Sage Haddler
Nationality: British
Current Residence: Idaho
Results According to Subject:
My mummy always wants me to wear bright colours and act as a lady, but I just didn’t like it all too much. Mummy does know what is best, but in my silly head I could just not see that as a fact and I acted up just like all these spoiled American brats. No longer do I, however!

I would talk back to my mummy and ask her what she knew, and the result would be immediate and severe slaps among my face and fanny. She would constantly ask me how I would ever expect to please a husband if I spoke back all the time. My daft reasoning was that I did not want to be a stay at home mummy like mummy, who earned money by bringing in strange men and making me watch so they would both pay more and finish faster. Oh, what a sod I was!

Thanks to this program, I now know a proper woman is seen and not heard. She does exactly that and more. The more is what my mummy teaches me. I now have the skills and education early enough to carry me throughout my adult life in order to become a proper lady of the house!

I will raise many cups of tea in the honour of this program!


Name: Julian Nielson
Nationality: Ameri-queer
Current Residence: Gay Bay
Results According to Subject:
Mmmm…my name is Julian, but call me Sally RoughRider! I love long walks on the beach, blonds, and butt sex! Tee hee!!!! I know this isn’t a dating service, you giggly gooses!

My life partner, Bruce, who I always call “OH damn! THAT MAN!!!!” in a loving way, used to break a foot off in my ass, and I don’t mean in a fun gay way. Oh no. He’d kick the shit out of me almost every time I opened my whore mouth. That was the problem, you see, since as a gay man I don’t know when to shut up. It’s just genetics, and you can’t fight genetics, but you can control your nasty habits like talking all the time.

The last straw was when Bruce came home drunk and stinking of both strange men and vagina. Trust me, you can tell the difference in that smell! Well, once again I opened my stupid whore mouth and he beat me to the point of needing medical treatment for damn near a month. While laying out in the hospital, he was reading me the obituaries to remind me I could end up in there, when I caught a glimpse of this trial and knew I needed help.

Now I only open my mouth to suck dick! Great improvement! Much love!

I ♥ (‿|‿)!


There you have it, everyone! Keep your fucking mouth shut if you don’t want to get your ass beat by your significant other. Doesn’t just work for normal people and women: It’s obviously great for gays and children, too!

Know your place!

Democrats might actually have it right for America

Hilary Clinton wins Presidency in Hell!
Turns out, the democrats might actually be on to something with the way they want to run the country. It’s hard for me to admit I’m wrong, so I’m not going to, especially since this is mostly just a thesis at this time. Hear me out and I will guide you into the enlightenment much like Marx did for all of Russia.

While Donald Trump is claiming he wants to make America great again, he’s not doing it in a way the democrats are. You see, the democrats know when America was great and what really made America great: Oppression and segregation of all mud races. KKK? Democrats started it. Segregation? Democrats made it happen. Slavery? Democrats ratified it and fought to keep it. Jim Crow? Democratically created. Government housing and subjugation of minorities? Democrats. Nazis? Left wing, “progressive” (aka Democrat) party. When was America great? When we had those darkies, wet backs, and all them other non-whites under the white man’s thumb. Donald Trump doesn’t want that…he wants to make America strong through hard work, fair international laws, and making people liable for their actions. Screw that when we can just blame the system and the minorities!

Another problem with America right now is it’s still the most appealing place in the world compared to all the other shit countries. Those lazy Mexicants wouldn’t keep coming here if the rich man in the neighborhood was just like where they came from: Owning a three legged goat. Also those dune coons, not to be confused with full on porch monkeys, wouldn’t want to keep bombing and murdering here if we were so financially destroyed that we didn’t want to spread the idea of freedom anymore. This is where the democrats have it right!

See, democrats are smart in the way they’re going to enslave non-whites. They’ve learned over the years people won’t put up with slapping chains on a nigger or beating a Mexican to near death in order to make him work. So, instead, the democrats are smart by making government programs forcing working people, ie the whites, pay them for not doing anything and encouraging them to do nothing. How is this enslaving them? Well, it once again puts them in dependence of the white man who has all the money to distribute. Once the white man once again decides they’re not going to take it anymore, the spear chuckers, sand niggers, spics, and others won’t have any skills in which to get a job to earn their own money, and will be so pathetic they’ll have to do whatever a white dude says in order to make a quarter. Fucking BRILLIANT!

Taking away the guns in America ensures only the criminals will use arms and will terrorize the majority of the citizens, just like down in Mexico where the cartels take over entire towns, rape anyone they feel like, and make people want to flee to America. When it’s happening here, why come here? It keeps people from wanting to come here illegally since there’s no reason to come here at all!

So, yeah, we all have democrats figured wrong. Before anyone gets really upset, remember, I’m a democrat now, so I can say these things. Fuck you, republicans for causing a slow death to America. At least we’re honest in our racism and hate for freedom.

How people are finding my entries (s)


Okay, people, seriously…what the fuck? I really like people finding my writings and reading them, but some of the search terms used to find me are pretty horrific. So, what I’m going to do for everyone is list some of the most “Dude, seriously?” of them here. All search strings are copypasta as they appeared with no editing!

Oh, and any link found on this entry will open to a new window so you can continue to read, while also referencing what I’m talking about.


shaving instant abs
What? Seriously? I guess this has to do with my Incredible Life Hacks entry in which I mention “great looking abs for wookies” and tell people to just shave abs into their fur. Still…why was someone looking this up?
 
 
confused monkey
How in the hell did I come up in a search with that string? Also, how deep must I be in those returned results to find me? Except for this page, I don’t think those two words appear directly next to each other in any of my entries…
 
 
guy who climbed a mountain with a t-bar
*laughing* Whaaaaat? Who the hell thought to look this up and what led them to think of it? I mean…I honestly don’t even know why someone would want to try to climb a mountain with a god damn t-bar…
 
 
i pray for a zombie apocolypse every day
Not only is apocalypse spelled wrong, the fact anyone is praying for it to happen every day is a little disturbing. I’m a fan of unrelenting carnage as much as the next sociopath, but come on…
 
 
mk 9 true skill
There is nothing on my sight to give you “true skill” in Mortal Kombat (9). Like, at all. I do have the fake tournament rules I did as a joke, but if you take any of that seriously, well, you’re a dumbass.
 
 
ejaculating into the ear
What the hell is wrong with you people?! Still…this is a new one for me! That means it’s time for a party:

 
 
well here goes nothin’
Huh? Is this like one of those “I Feel Lucky” things from Google? Nope, this is an actual search string used to locate my writings. Where this leads to and why I haven’t a single idea….at least it got people here, right?
 
 
when a guy says i don’t have to lie to you
While most of my writing is tongue in cheek, there is a bit of truth in everything I write. How I present the truth to people, however, is a terrible way to receive advice. This place is a writing site of satire and fun…not a real advice column, regardless of how the entry reads. So, to find this site using that search string…well…you’re better off just hitting the bottle and smiling, then tell him, “Well, I thought that was the best way to solve the issue!”

The truth is, though, if a guy says you don’t have to lie to him, then just fucking don’t lie. Stop lying, god damn it.
 
 
felicia day the other
*blink blink* Uh…huh..? I know I did the entry Who I Will Donkey Punch and Why, which had Felicia Day as one of the women, but this search string doesn’t make a lick of sense.
 
 
i was fucking myself using a broom does that mean im not a virgin anymore
I’m honestly at a loss of words…
 
 
 
fats food job to hard
Aww, is the little bitch finding working in “fats” food “to” hard? FYI, it’s “fast” and “too”, you fucking illiterate little shit. Given you feel working in the fast food industry is too hard and you can’t even use the correct word (fast, too), being in fast food is all you’re going to be experiencing. Don’t worry…four or five fast food jobs should be enough to scrape by while taking care of three kids with two separate women while living in your mother’s basement. Obama will come to your rescue.
 
 
vampire withstand daylight for at least 12hrs
Dick off, Cullen.
 
 
can i return something at macy’s i’ve worn
This may have to do with my Actual Customer Complaints (s) entry. That entry has to do with idiot customers…and this search string is probably done by a few of them.

Here’s a tip: Don’t buy something you don’t want or haven’t tried on…and this won’t be a problem!
 
 
sexyass site:wordpress.com/2013/06
It’s hard to argue my site is and does has a sexy ass. Still, I can’t figure out why someone was looking this up nor why it got them to my site. Then again, as I said, this site, and me included, does have a sexy ass!
 
 
what does it mean when someone screams at you that you ruined them
Once again, any advice you receive from this site isn’t really advice… Still, if you’re asking this question, you must be horribly brain dead. Generally in the moments preceding the statement you ruined them, the reason was talked about…and if it wasn’t, then the reason is going to be stated immediately following that you ruined them.
 
 
god created sex people ruined it
Once again: WHY?! I have never discussed this in any of my writings. There is nothing about my sex life at all, but rest assured, I’m awesome.
 
 
elyse levesque armpits
Da fuq?
 
 
if i dont call or text will he become reinterested/
I know how this found the site. It’s due to the entry called Just Because I Don’t Call You in Four Days…. I just think it’s funny someone was actually considering this and found my site in regards to it.
 
 
sexting per minute services
Really? You really needed this?
 
 
what does a jack of spades tattoo mean on a man
How come this is even a question? Does it have to mean anything? There’s some bullshit about the Queen of Spades and even the Ace of Spades, but it’s mostly bullshit.
 
 
disable pussies
Aside from three to seven days a month, why would you want to disable pussies? Pussies are awesome. I, myself, am quite a vagitarian. I even have an appropriate bib…kinda like a lobster bib, but with a picture of a naked chick spreading her legs.
 
 
hot one blowing a donkey
What is…I don’t even…
 
 
werewolves bang hot vsmpire chick
…good lord…
 
 
when you sneeze on your period meme
*sigh* Does this actually have to be a meme…and why does this link to my writings?
 
 
dirty sexy sweaty bestiality stories
Once again…the fuck, people?!
 
 
little pussy woman
o_0


Well…there’s the most screwed up search strings which have found my writings. You people need help…and I need a shower…

What happened to Malaysia Flight 370 solved!


It’s been some time since the Malaysian Flight 370 went dark. There had been all kinds of conspiracy theories running wild, but now, finally now, we know what happened. It wasn’t easy to get the info with all the cover ups and incompetency going on, but we now know the truth. Still, the truth is hard to accept and follow. Everything now has changed, and the world will never be the same.

We do well to remember the words of the fictional, and yet influential, character known as Sherlock Holmes: “Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.” Everyone does well keeping that in mind with the mystery now being solved.

As crazy as it may seem, Malaysia Flight 370 encountered not one, but two problems leading up to their final, tragic, fate. From the start, two passengers used fake passports in hopes of hijacking the plane to use in a future terror plot. The plan was to steal the plane, under funding of a Chinese (not Islamic) terrorist group, land the plane in one of the many old Cambodian airports no longer in use, kill all the passengers except the 20 employees of the company Freescale Semiconductor, and then use the technology those employees have been developing to cloak the plane to detonate a nuclear bomb above the United States.

Then there’s the issue with the plane turning into a random direction. The lead pilot, Capt. Zaharie Ahmad Shah, and first officer (co-pilot), Fariq Ab Hamid, were heading to their flight ceiling when a problem arose with the aircraft, before the two terrorists could activate their plan. A small hole in the plane caused a dramatic loss of cabin pressure, resulting in hypoxia with everyone on board. The passengers began to pass out, unable to answer their cell phones, and drastic measures needed to be taken. With severe hypoxia rapidly setting in, the Fariq Ab Hamid, tried to contact anyone he could, but began to mumble incoherently, except for the fated, “Alright, roger that.” Fariq Ab Hamid was attempting to turn the plane around, when he, too, passed out.

Then All Hell Broke Loose
This is where things get weird, however, so brace yourselves. Even I, the respected and never joking journalist that I am, find things…hard to swallow. Like a first day Malaysian prostitute with an NBA star.

Turns out, the employees of Freescale Semiconductor hooked up the airliner as a live test for their military contract for their cloaking technology caused the small hole in the plane when it overloaded. This also resulted in the transponders to be corrupted and shut down, meaning no one could track the plane any longer. The strangest part of all of this comes from the report of the technology going critical and forming a small black hole in which the plane was now headed.

I think the hardest for us to follow in all of this, is the resulting contact with extraterrestrials. Hollywood normally portrays contact with interstellar beings as hostile, but such a thing is from our own prejudices. These alien visitors, sensing the airliner’s distress, showed up and wrapped the ship in a sub-space warp field, allowing it to pass unharmed through the even horizon. Like all black holes, it is a two way street, or wormhole, allowing travel over vast distances.

Reports are every passenger is safe, living in the Xentaris (Zin Tear Ees) system (the extraterrestrials’ name for their home system), but cannot return. The energy required to return them to our solar system is even beyond the ability of the Xentarians. Messages from the Xentarian leaders claim they are willing to house our citizens as their own and look forward to a day in which our cultures can exchange spices in person.

Families of the lost are still disheartened, knowing they will never see their loved ones again, but they do find comfort in knowing they are safe.

Want to stop bullying? Ask me how!

People fight...deal with it!
This has been pissing me off for a while. Everyone is on this “anti-bullying” kick and it’s become nothing more than a fucking meme. I hate memes, fads, and bandwagons. What I hate more are a bunch of worthless, weak individuals who think crying about everything and waiting for others do things for them is the solution to problems. Along the same hate lines, I hate people who think they can push people around with absolutely no consequence, and do everything they can to make sure you can’t.

There are a ton, and I do mean a ton, of bullshit “inspirational” images out there on the web, articles in magazines, commercials and even stupid campaigns about bullying. They’re worthless. No matter how many commercials you have, no matter how many images you make, and no matter how many retarded pink shirts you all wear one day a year, you aren’t going to stop bullying. Why? Because it’s human nature and bullying is actually necessary.

Oh, and no, this write up won’t be in list form. I’m sick of that, too. This also isn’t a “How To Guide” in my traditional “How To Guide” sense.

Part of the problem with bullying these days is the fact almost everything is considered bullying. Did someone call someone stupid for asking how to chew gum? BULLYING! Did someone push a kid who was too scared to go down the slide and was frozen crying their eyes out down the slide to get them off of it? BULLYING! Did someone demand work get done as fast as possible all the time while never thanking anyone for them doing their job? BULLYING! Did someone get teased for doing not just one thing, but many things like a moron? BULLYING! Did someone get told their mismatched clothing, done on purpose, doesn’t look good? BULLYING! Did someone not get treated as a perfect, unique, beautiful snowflake? BULLYING!

Eat shit, nerd!None of that is bullying! Just because another person doesn’t like you and lets you know, does not mean you’re not being bullied.

Bullying is when a specific target is selected for constant physical, emotional and/or financial abuse without warrant with the specific intent to cause harm be it physically, emotionally and/or financially. If someone is constantly being beaten up and having their money stolen by the same person, then that’s bullying. If a person is constantly forced into a corner while they are berated with insults until they cry and it goes on every time they are seen by the individual doing the insults, that’s bullying. If a person is beaten up for no other reason than to be beaten up by the same person or people at all times randomly, that’s bullying. Basically, the democratic party if you want a political connection.

So, you’re probably wondering at this point when I’m going to get on about how to stop the actual bullying. I’m getting to that, you impatient bastards. ˂fake crying>Stop bullying me!!! WAAAAA!!!!˂/fake crying>

One for sure way to do it is to stop teaching people they are special and should be respected no matter what. Heads up, fuck heads, you aren’t special, you aren’t unique, and you sure as shit aren’t a beautiful snowflake to be cherished. Just because you are alive on this planet doesn’t mean you are worth it. Just because you are unique does not mean you are useful. Just because you are special does not mean you are welcome. Stop thinking your existence is enough to be left alone or not be bothered. Stop teaching your children they are special to the world. Very few will be and the vast majority of the population as a whole is only alive thanks to modern medicine and conveniences.

Boo hoo, bitch!  So long!Look at what happened to Rebecca Sedwick. She committed suicide because of bullies at school and on Facebook. Why she didn’t delete her Facebook or put it on private or anything else, I don’t know. Actually, I do know…she was a fucking idiot. One of the two girls arrested even claimed, “Yes ik I bullied REBECCA nd she killed her self but IDGAF”. Good for her. Do you people not understand these bullies don’t fucking care about you? Almost the entire god damn world doesn’t give a fuck about you. Welcome to the real world, Rebecca Sedwick, it’s too bad you couldn’t deal with it and left, but most of us aren’t even sad about it. One less overly emotional, bat shit crazy bitch to spread her weakness to future generations.

The ones to blame are Rebecca, her friends, and her family. Her parents not only should have been more active in her life, but they should have taught her to deal with it and fight back. Her death is on her parent’s hands. Mr and Mrs Sedwick, this message is for you: You’re 50% responsible for you daughter’s suicide while 5% of it goes to the “bullies”, 5% to her friends/extended family and 40% on Rebecca herself. She wasn’t a wonderful, beautiful girl with so much to offer.

Harsh? Too fucking bad. As I said, welcome to the real world. If you can’t hang, then hang yourself. If you need help, here’s some help: Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time! Link will open in a separate window.

We can’t end bullying by trying to force people to care about everyone. I can’t be bothered to give a shit about everyone on this planet. There’s really only so much love in a heart to give, and with God, family, a very select group of friends, and America, there’s really nothing left in there.

What we can do to help curb this behavior, is not only by no longer teaching people they should be respected just for living and coddling them, but teaching them how to deal with it better. You’re going to be made fun of, you’re going to learn most of the world doesn’t care if you live or die, you’re going to meet people who don’t like you and you’re going to never fit in with anything other than a specific, and often very small, group of people. I don’t mean by going out and hitting a punching bag or by crying to a psychologist (can’t spell psycho without psychologist), oh no. There are much better ways. One is getting physical either by yourself or with a large group of people who are fed up with it, or by understanding if you are intentionally putting yourself outside of the society norm, you’ll be treated that way.

If you’re dressing like a depressing fuck and talking about suicide, then people are going to fucking avoid you. If you’re only ever talking about My Little Pony and you’re a 13 year old boy, then you’re going to be teased! If you sit around with braces drooling, whining when you sneeze because it hurts, are allergic to your own snot, and try to get the jocks to play the most recent edition of Dungeons and Dragons, then expect to get pushed around. If you just cower and cry when your own shadow is in front of you, then you’re going to get your ass kicked! Humans don’t like anything not associated with “normal human”, and those things aren’t “normal human”. Not everyone has an IQ over 98 here in America and most jocks have an IQ even lower than that. My tested IQ with MENSA is 136 about two weeks prior to this writing, which explains why everyone around me seems so god damn stupid.

Try and take it, pussy!What you need to do is learn to not give one fuck about it. Don’t like the social norms? Fine, then do what you want, but don’t expect everyone to accept it. After all, you aren’t being like them because they are a certain way, so why get whiny over all of it when they act the way you are intentionally avoiding? Own what you are. When you don’t give one fuck about it, people don’t feel like bothering you. It’s only when you start giving an emotional response do they continue on. Some people tease me about the colored grip and coloring on my gun, but do you think I give a shit? Nope. I think it looks bad ass, and I shoot better than 90% of anyone I meet. Not to mention, how pissed off are you going to be if I drill you with a blue “sparkly” gun? Yeah…probably very. Not to mention, how confident must I be to open carry that? Yep. Very.

Learning to deal with it is the first step to being a well rounded individual with a healthy mental state.

One of the best, and my favorite ways, of fixing this problem is violence. Violence is always an answer, but it has to be done right. You can’t be like these twats who believe shooting up everyone is the answer. No, just violence against the person or people directly involved. If you feel violence is never an answer, then please give me your address so I can take over every aspect of your life. Just remember, you can’t fight back physically, as you are “better” than that.

What I’m getting at here is to teach people to fight the fuck back. People push others around because there are no consequences to them. A bully is a bully until they meet another bully. Then they are either friends or a pussy. Give a bully some consequence and they tend to calm the hell down. The reason people, in major cities especially, perform robberies in liquor stores or pedestrians is because they know people have been told to “Just give it up!” The clerk’s aren’t allowed to do anything except hand over money, and people on the street are so neutered, they don’t know how to fight back. States with Stand Your Ground laws kick ass and crime in legal citizens armed areas is always lower.

Fighting back kicks ass. Even though violence isn’t necessarily the first response, it should be at least the second option. You can’t reason with a bully. You can’t make nice with a bully. You can’t talk a bully down…unless you talk them down with a real threat of violence which won’t end well for them. Schools don’t seem to understand this.

I remember telling my youngest brother, who was attacked without provocation and was being suspended for simply being involved in a fight, even though he didn’t fight back, right in front of his principal the next time I have to come and get him for getting suspended over a fight, he better hit the kid in the back of the head with a brick. After all, if he was going to get suspended it better damn well be worth it.

The law says you can fight back. Fuck what you believe is polite or socially acceptable. Defend yourself and fight! Your happiness, well being, and safety is completely up to you. Even if you can get someone else to give a shit about any of that for you, they aren’t going to do it forever. You have to fight back.

Violence has solved most of the problems in the world. It’ll solve your bully problem, too.

Stop apologizing for what you say and stop demanding apologies!


There’s nothing like the good ol’fashioned apology, now is there? You say or do something which hurts someone else, be it in a relationship, between family members, or a stranger and so you apologize. If someone does or says something you don’t like, you get an expect an apology from them. After all, that’s what is supposed to happen, right? Not always and mostly not.

The problem with apologies and apologizing in general these days is it’s a knee jerk reaction and isn’t necessary most of the time. I’m sick and tired of people demanding apologies from others simply because their feelings were hurt or something happened the offended didn’t like. I’m also sick of people apologizing for saying or doing something others don’t like. Knock this bullshit off! Stop apologizing and asking for an apology!

An apology is warranted only after something you honestly didn’t mean to happens does happen, usually physically. For instance, If you’re walking down the street not paying attention and you bump into someone, then apologize. If you say the wrong thing, such as ordering a six piece chicken nugget and you ask for a six inch chicken nugget, then apologize. If you’re trying to open a bag of chips and you back hand your wife as it finally snaps open, yeah, apologize, but only if she didn’t deserve it.

An apology isn’t warranted if you say something or do something and something you wanted to happen, or related happens. If you scream at someone and call them a slut, don’t apologize if that is how you feel. If you kick a third grader down a flight of stairs because they aren’t moving fast enough, then you shouldn’t apologize. Should someone start crying because your political views are different, don’t apologize for feeling the way you do. How you feel and what you say is you. When you do apologize for it, you’re apologize for being you.

The only time I apologize is when it’s warranted, and hardly ever do I find it warranted. My wife knows I don’t apologize unless I not only mean it, but it’s needed. Regardless of what you’re thinking right now, she absolutely is happy about it. Unlike most of the little pussies out there, she knows I’m a man and respects that. If your woman doesn’t respect the fact you’re a man, find a new woman or learn to be a man.
 
 
Too many people fall into the trap of apologizing when they shouldn’t. Hell, look at the hell with Paula Deen. There is absolutely no reason she should have apologized for anything. There is absolutely no reason anyone should have been screaming for her to be fired nor demanding an apology from her. It was all bullshit.

Did she call someone a nigger? Yes. Was it deserved? Yes. Some piece of shit black male (AKA a nigger) robbed her at gun point. At home, frustrated and scared, she recounted the incident to her husband and told him it was a nigger who did it. Well…yeah, I agree. There’s a huge difference between a nigger (eg Trayvon Martin) and a black man (eg Bill Cosby). In other words, trash is trash is trash, but we have words to describe certain types of trash (eg trailer trash, wop, and wetback).

The apology Paula Deen gave out should have gone something like this:

In the past I used a word which people find grotesquely offensive to their sensibilities. It is a word I used in anger, over forty years ago, and people are asking for my apology. My apology is this: I am sorry you’re all so fucking sensitive. Suck my old, puffy, gray pube covered, southern vagina. It’s spicy and cripsy! There’s as much butter down there as in my mashed potatoes.

Is it any surprise a southern woman used the word “nigger” when she was pissed off, frightened and alone with her husband? No, it shouldn’t be. Hell, look at the Trayvon Martin fiasco with Rachel “Dee Dee” Jeantel thinking calling white people “crackers” as a general term wasn’t racist. I’m not going to go on a rant about the dog and pony show which was the Zimmerman case, but I think we can see the difference here with Paula Deen and why she didn’t need to apologize.

Asking for a southern woman to apologize for being a southern woman is like asking a gang banging piece of shit to be sorry for being a gang banging piece of shit.
 
 
The man in the picture to the left is Bob Beckal. He’s a democrat and a contributor to Fox News. He also is one of the stars for The Five, a hilarious round table discussion show on the aforementioned network. While me may be bat shit crazy in most ways, this man does not apologize unless he 100% needs to. He also has my respect because he stands firm on his beliefs, even if I don’t agree with most of them.

The only time Bob Beckal makes an apology is when he says something which is actually wrong. For instance, if he made the claim of vanilla ice cream being the lowest selling ice cream in the United States, he’ll make an apology and correct himself. If he says someone is an idiot for believing in, let’s say, Santa Clause, he will not apologize for hurting someone’s feelings. Why? Because he honestly feels that way. Awesome.

What I really love is when he will bring up how people are asking him to apologize for something he said. He’ll look right at the camera and straight up tell them he refuses to apologize. He’s right for doing it, too. This man is one of the maybe three democrats I can respect.

Be more like me and Bob Beckal there. Stop apologizing for doing or saying shit. I’m tired of celebrities coming out and making a “Sorry!” post/video trying to make people’s pussy stop bleeding.

On that note, here’s Watsky with Ugly Faces:


“Sorry, not sorry.”

Banker started to draw a gun on me (s)


Let me start off by saying I actually really like my bank and the branch I always go to here. The tellers, personal bankers, and greeters generally recognize me, unless it’s a new hire or a time I don’t normally go in. They’re always friendly and offer to help me if I need it. I know most people have a problem with Wells Fargo, but they’ve always been great to me. Banks as a whole are terrible, so take that for what it’s worth.

Now it’s time for me to say the only real reason I am writing this is because Wells Fargo thought it would be “cute” to have every one of their Twitter accounts follow me on Twitter after I made this post: CroiDhubh on Twitter – February 20, 2014. Given how Wells Fargo has been known to close accounts involving anyone having anything to do with firearms, I’m not going to reveal too much of my personal information nor “DM”, as they asked me to do on Twitter. I’m also not going to reveal which branch it was at. They can read this here.

It’s no secret I live in Colorado and it’s no secret I carry every day, all the time, everywhere I can. By “everywhere I can”, I mean anywhere not prohibited by federal law and by “I carry every day”, I mean I open carry 100% of the time. Colorado is an open carry state and the only prohibitions are anywhere you cannot conceal carry under federal law (elementary schools, federally owned buildings, etc) and in the city/county of Denver, because…well…Denver likes to have victims. In this state, a sticker or sign does NOT equal a “gun free” (victim) zone. In order to have a true “gun free” (victim) zone all entrances and exits must be locked except those in active use and have metal detectors on those doors and have an armed security guard on duty.

I may not be a competition shooter, but I do combat handgun training at least once a month and put anywhere between 100 and 250 rounds through each of my own pistols every time I go. If I can, I will do a “casual” range day in addition to my pistol training as well. At one point I was going three times a month, but that’s expensive and the PS4 just released, which I bought…and love…not as much as my wife, but close. Now I’m only doing one to two trips a month.

With that said, since I carry at work and generally only go to the bank on my way to work, I carry. The employees at what has become my main branch have grown accustom to me and know I’m generally a good guy, am chatty and friendly, and try to make it as easy on them as they do for me to do deposits or get information. Today was a littler different, and kind of sent the tone for the rest of my day. Though not necessarily a bad thing.

I go in with my paycheck literally in hand to do a deposit. When I enter in, I’m greeted by one of the banker dudes (for lack of a better term and laziness on my part) welcomes me in as I’m heading over to the table in order to fill out a slip. He happily tells me I don’t have to fill one out and they can do it for me, which I am grateful for and follow him over to the teller counter. I recognize two of the ladies to my left, the one to my right, the personal banker behind the counter and say hi to them. The personal banker has helped me a few times and he’s training a new teller.

The new teller is as great as the others, being chatty and friendly, asking me the questions he’s required to without being annoying, and we all talk about different hings while being in a good mood. I get everything finished satisfactorily, I give my goodbyes, and start to head out. I hear the greeting banker dude tell me to enjoy the rest of my day, and I turn to tell him the same. It’s at this point I see one of the female personal bankers (FPB) coming out of the area they are usually in walking towards the teller area. I’m smiling, waving, and in a good mood telling the greeter, “Thanks, man! You too!” when I see the FPB stop dead in her tracks, take a wide stance, reach behind her with her right arm, slide her arm down and then move her arm back up. Her eyes are the size of dinner plates.

Now, I’m sure some of you out there are thinking, “Well, maybe she was just getting her cell phone or putting her wallet away or something?” That’s fine to consider if you aren’t a firearms person. Anyone who has been around firearms and people who carry firearms knows that motion. I’ve been in the military as military police, I was a police explorer for four years in high school, and I was a police officer as well. Almost my entire family carries as well. I know that motion and I know fear when I see it. This was fear and someone having a firearm ready to act.

I literally just chuckled and said, “Ma’am, that absolutely won’t be necessary. I’m obviously on my way out and my business has finished. Have a good one!” I was still nice and smiled when I said it. She watched me all the way out and didn’t move from her spot. The greeter looked at me and then her, and then me back, but I didn’t elaborate on it.

I am, beyond anything related with firearms, a believer in education and training more than anything else. If I wasn’t who I am, she may very well have ended up having a very terrible day. Her mentality at that moment was, “I have a gun! I must defend us!” What she needs is some force on force training and better education to begin with. With the situational awareness and common sense I was exercising at the moment made it obvious I didn’t need to freak out or attempt to defend myself. I’m glad she didn’t present her firearm in my direction, otherwise I would have responded appropriately.

If you’re going to carry a firearm for protection, you owe it, not only to yourself, but everyone else to have a good head on your shoulders. There’s no reason for her to have start that draw. If she really thought I was a possible threat (with my back to her and walking out), she should have sought out at least concealment if not good cover. Instead, she was out in the open, completely frozen in place with her hand on her firearm and unready to act. If she really felt the need to have the firearm that ready, it should have already been pointed at me while she screamed directions at me and more than likely already firing. She should be glad I’m not one of the bad guys.

Will I continue going to that branch? Hell yes! They generally kick ass and are a great bunch of employees. Just because one lady needs to get her head on straight and get some damn training under her belt doesn’t mean Wells Fargo or that branch is bad. I’ll keep doing what I do since it’s my right. I don’t even have a problem with the fact one of their employees was packing. I am glad they had an employee carrying a firearm. I only hope the lady takes this as an opportunity for herself to realize she needs some schooling on defensive firearms.

Valentine’s Day is not really a holiday!

Let's Get Drunk and Screw
Ah yes, February 14th, better known as Valentine’s Day. At least, it’s better known to all those annoying women out there who are looking forward to getting more shit they don’t deserve, but not so much for us guys. There are a multitude of reasons why men simply hate this Hallmark holiday. The only reason men go through the motions of this moronic day is to get pussy around their dick. Yes, we only do it for sex.

First of all, when it comes to Valentine’s Day, men don’t like crap. Teddy bears, chocolate, romantic movies, flowers, expensive dinners, talking: You know, crap! None of these things were invented with a man in mind. Sure, every so often some queer will go along with you women to a romantic movie because they want to, but don’t get that confused with men going to see romantic movies.

While I’m talking about crap that are given as gifts on V-Day, this is another area men get screwed on, and not in the good way. We see it up to a week before Valentine’s: Some poor pussy whipped bitch of a man is running ragged trying to find that perfect gift for his unappreciative woman. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are a very small few of you chicks out there that actually don’t freak when a man doesn’t give you any thing except for a small box of candy hearts. I’m not talking to you.

Valentine’s Day is NOT supposed to be a quest for the perfect present. Yet, we always see the aforementioned guy having a hernia in fear that his gift isn’t going to get him poontang, so he buys three times the amount of gifts he should have. Sometimes, the ungrateful bitch STILL won’t put out!!!! The only thing you should expect is a smile and a “Happy Valentine’s Day!” when we see you. Just because you have a vagina doesn’t mean you are entitled to anything because of that fact.

As I’ve been saying, it’s a Hallmark holiday. That means it’s basically made up so certain people can make more money. Now, I’m all for businesses making money, but I’m not all for creating a holiday to do it. I’m not going to insist on a “Advertising Production Artists Day” in order to force people to give me more money. Like Hallmark hasn’t cornered the market enough as it is! There are cards ranging from “Get Well Soon” to “Commit Suicide, You Lazy Fuck”.

Hmm…I’m on the subject of Hallmark, who makes cards, and Valentine’s Day at the same time. Good time to bring up a damn good point when it comes to cards. Don’t expect us to write anything else in the fucking card nor get pissed when we don’t! There is already writing on the inside of the card, so there is no point in writing anything else. I’m not paying $5.95 for Hallmark to write what I was thinking or want you to believe what I was thinking, just so that I have to actually write something more in the damn card! If I wanted you to know what the hell I was thinking, I would tell you. Men don’t talk about their feelings, so Hallmark does it for us!

Come on, do women REALLY need a special day just for them? Of course not. This further places the idea in their head that they deserve something just for being women! The only thing they really deserve is to be at the end of your penis, and they should be damn happy to be there since you were even willing to talk to her.

Now, there are certain instances when Valentine’s Day an be good. Actually, only one, really…and that’s if the chick’s birthday is on Valentine’s Day. I know what you’re thinking guys, “But doesn’t that complicate matters even more?!” HELL NO! This is great! With minimal effort, both issues are dealt with at once. Not only are you giving her birthday presents, you’re also giving her V-Day presents. This makes you seem sweet when you’re still being a huge asshole to keep her self esteem down!

V-Day is the time to get your balls relieved, guys, because there are so many desperate and lonely women out there. Look, no one is saying that you have to hold their hand in the mall nor marry them, so it really doesn’t matter if she’s a 5 or a 6. This is a one time bang, or you can keep her around for later booty calls. Remember, you’re not looking for a relationship, now are you? Oh, fuck no. Besides, Valentine’s Day is the worst time to look for one anyway, since the women are desperate and usually turn very pyscho because of it.

There are only three things you need to remember. These are the three “F’s” of dating: Find them, Feed them, Fuck them. That’s it. Oh, and make sure you either do it at a willing buddy’s house or her place. You don’t want to let her know where you live. Also, keep it under $40 for the night. No reason to spend all that money on some cheap whore you picked up to just screw and/or keep around for booty calls. If she thinks you’re willing to spend money, she’ll hang around expecting you to spend it all on her. Don’t let her.

Well, there it is, out in the open, the truth about Valentine’s Day and why men hate it. If a guy gets you anything, ladies, you best at least suck his dick. Lord knows he did it just because he felt the responsibility to, and this means you now have a responsibility of your own!


Oiriginally posted 05/04/2006 by me on OpenDiary-“Ramblings of the Sunrie”

Trolling bad customers


Customers in America are generally stupid, entitled, and all around morons. For some reason, customer service in America has become calling the competition, calling phone numbers from customer phones on business lines to hide the customer’s phone number, bending over backward to get them something for free, and licking their dirty butt puckers. No thank you. Customer service is doing what the company has set forth as guidelines in the “you can do this, but not that” style policies. If the request cannot be done, it cannot be done and that sucks. I’m sure there’s something they will do for you instead, but you aren’t guaranteed to get what you want.

Well…I’ve trolled some bad customers in the past. I’m sure I’ll troll some bad ones in the future. Here’s a small list of things I’ve done, sometimes with the company I was at during the time, for your enjoyment.


Case: THE BATTERED WOMAN
Company: Santoro’s Pizzeria
Outcome: Unintentional Trolling and Apology to the Customer

I don’t always mean to troll and I usually have a filter. However, my personality doesn’t always allow me to not be flirty nor trolling. I don’t always troll just bad customers, either. Sometimes I troll good customers just for the fun of it if I know them well enough.

Well, the owners of the place allowed their ex-daughter-in-law to work there. She was not a very…well, she looked like an actual troll. Often times she’d have long hairs sticking out of a mole on her face or come to work with a massive white head, right on her face. She had two children; meaning, frighteningly, someone had sex with her at least twice…

Many times she would bring in her two crumb munchers. These things were pretty much out of control. I cannot tell you how many times I had to basically lock them in the fridge unit to keep them from running around and bother customers as they ate. If I wouldn’t be arrested for it, I would have tied them up to the fire hydrant outside like a couple of dogs.

On this particular day I came in for the closing shift and this lady wanted to talk to a manager. Well, the owners didn’t want any kind of hierarchy with their employees, but since I wasn’t the one with the kids causing problems, wasn’t one of the servers at the time, and I was the eldest out of all the others coming in, it was my problem now. I didn’t know exactly what happened, but figured it was the cause of one of these carpet mites, so I groaned and agreed to talk to the lady.

“Hello, ma’am. What is it I can do for you?” – Me
“First off all, I’m trying to eat my pizza with my daughter and these little kids are running around screaming the entire time! This is not a day care center!” – Her
“*I nod my head* I completely agree with you there. I didn’t know she was brought her kids in with her and she’s been asked to keep them in the back office. They shouldn’t be running around.” – Me
“Good! Well, I am sitting here, trying to eat while those kids run around screaming and they’re tossing pizza dough all over the place! The next thing I know, as I’m about to tell them to shut up, I’m smacked in the back of the head with dough! I feel as though I’ve been assaulted!!!!!!” – Her
…now…I was finishing the police academy at the time and I switched into “future cop” mode…
“Technically, ma’am, you’ve been battered.” – Me

There was a brief pause as we both looked at each other. She had a “..wtf..?” look on her face and I know I must have looked like someone pooped on a kitten right before me. The rest of the staff, behind the counter, all start cracking up uncontrollably. I just blink at her a few times, not sure what to say or do. Finally, I was able to speak.

“…I’m sorry, ma’am, I didn’t mean it to come out that way… I am finishing up a few courses at the police academy and I have the POST test coming up, my mind went to my schooling… We’re obviously not going to charge you for the meal.” – Me
“I…well…thank you…Thank you for doing the right thing!” – Her

At this point she wasn’t even upset. She seemed as fuddled as I was. Her daughter had her hands over her mouth, trying not to laugh too loudly. I was able to comp the check and get a tip from her, even though she wasn’t my customer.


Case: THE JOKE(ST)ER and BRAIN(DEAD)IAC
Company: Almost every retail establishment ever
Outcome: Personal Satisfaction

For some reason, customers think they are not only funny, but original as well. I blame Saturday Night Live and YouTube for this. Oh, and parents who love them no matter what. I can’t imagine how screwed up I’d be if my parents loved me no matter what… Mommy…mommy..? Why are you making the wire hanger bright red on the stove, mommy?! Sorry, sometimes I like to remember how awesome my parents were.

Also, for some reason, customers are brain dead as hell. It’s as if we live in the Twighlight Zone and everyone except my immediate family, wife included, had their brain exchanged with a chipmunk. Then again, chipmunks seem to be able to function. I believe I’m thinking of a retarded chipmunk…yeah, that’s it.

Here are some of my favorite retorts to customer jokes and stupid questions or statements:
“Give me just a second to look for another one or find a reference number for this. It doesn’t have a scan tag on it.” – Me
“Well, then it must be free!!!!!!!!!!! *BURSTS INTO UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHER, SLAPPING THE COUNTER TOP*” – Them
“Policy dictates the price is triple current sales price to prevent fraud.” – Me

“Is there anything I can help you find?” – Me
“A million dollars! *shouts it in excitement like it’s never been said before*” – Them
“Why would I be wanting to serve you if I had or knew where to get a million dollars no strings attached?” – Me

“Thank you for calling [Location Name], how can I help you?” – Me
“Are you open?” – Them
“No, we’re closed. I have all after hours calls forwarded to my personal cellphone just to take care of people who need help when no one is in the store.” – Me

“Hey, welcome in! Is there anything I can help you with today?” – Me
“Do you think I can just look around?” – Them
“No. I’m required to sell something to everyone who comes in. Lucky for you, there’s $0.50 impulse items at the register.” – Me

“Why don’t you have [Some Stupid Shit] in stock?!” – Them
“They didn’t send any/We’re out.” – Me
“Why’s that?!” – Them
“I don’t know. Your question is above my pay grade.” – Me

“Will you tell ‘them’/the owners/corporate to start getting [Some Stupid Shit] in the store?” – Them
“Sure, I’ll ride my unicorn up there just so they know I’m serious, otherwise they won’t listen to me.” – Me


Case: SHOWING ME YOUR RACE CARD
Company: BestBuy
Outcome: Scared Lady and 10% off

I spend too much money at BestBuy. Not just because their prices are a little high, but because I buy too many videogames and other electronics there. Believe it or not, the one in which this account takes place has really good employees and all around friendly staff. They also don’t freak out and understand it’s legal to open carry in Colorado.

I was waiting in line, the next to be up, when I hear this old bitch start shouting about how she refuses to show “some Mexican” her ID in order to purchase something.

“I don’t know where you get off asking to see MY ID! I don’t ask to see your green card!” – Her

The person ringing her up couldn’t have been older than 22 years old and was this cute little female. There was no way this girl was here illegally and, from the look of her, she obviously wasn’t Mexican decent, she was Indian decent.

“Your credit card doesn’t have a signature on it, so I have to get an ID or I can’t let you use it.” – Clerk
“This is so rude! I cannot believe you people are even allowed to ask for it, for ANY REASON!” – Her

So…having already had enough of this bullshit, and just wanting to buy my videogame, I start walking towards her.

“Ma’am, what’s the problem here?!” – Me
“This illegal wants to see my ID!” – Her
“She’s obviously not illegal, but if you don’t want her to see your ID, then maybe you can just let me see both cards and I’ll verify it to her?” – Me
“That’s fine. A nice American boy doing the right thing, thank you.” – Her

The clerk hands me the credit card, the woman hands her ID, I look at them and nod to the clerk. I don’t hand the lady back her ID, though.

“So…your name’s [NAME].” – Me
“Yes, that’s right.” – Her
“You live at [ADDRESS]?” – Me
“That’s what the ID says.” – Her
“Do you know my name?” – Me
“Uh, huh? No, I don’t, of course not. Don’t be silly. We just met.” – Her
“Do you know my address?” – Me
“Well obviously I wouldn’t. What’s your point?” – Her
“[HER FULL NAME] who lives at [ADDRESS], why would you give me your ID without knowing who I am, what I want, or what I would do with it? I know who you are and where you live now.” – Me

She just stares at me, speechless as I hand her back the card and the clerk gives her the items she came in to buy.

“Oh, and by the way, I’m a first generation American, you old bitch. So think about how badly you just screwed up as you walk back to your car. I’m not saying I would change my locks, I’m just saying I’d be smarter about things!” – Me

She leaves in a fluster, running out of the store, constantly looking over her shoulder. I give the clerk my items.

“I will be paying with a card, too, but you can always make sure it’s me by asking for my ID. She would have been pissed if someone had stolen that card and used it, but no one asked for ID.” – Me
“Thanks, I don’t even let it bother me anymore. My family has been here since the 30’s. I’m not even Mexican!” – Clerk
“You got me beat…my parents came over in the mid 60’s as children!” – Me

She and I both laugh and when I get the total, I thought I had missed a lower price on the item. Turns out she gave me a 10% off discount.


Case: BOYISH BOYCOTTER
Company: Eddie Bauer
Outcome: Corporate Check Refund Against Corporate Policy

Just so everyone knows, if you buy something at Eddie Bauer they have to take it back no matter what. Have five year old underwear? They’ll take it back! If you have a receipt, you can get the full price you paid back! I highly suggest everyone takes advantage of this. Buy something, keep the receipt, beat the hell out of it for years, and then return it to either trade up or get the same thing brand new. If you don’t have the receipt, you can still get credit to use in the store in either a gift certificate or a merchandise credit. They aren’t allowed to care one way or another. We used to have people spill things like paint on their $300 down jacket and we had to either take it back or exchange it for a new one. Yep. Do it!

Being former city and military police, I always carried a recorder with me in my pocket. Any customer I talked to, I recorded. Yes, it’s totally legal, you idiots.

With that said, I was working as the temporary manager, since I was the key holder, on the men’s side and we were slammed. I was beginning the process to start an EMT program and needed something else, besides law enforcement, to do, which would give me the time to get everything done and that was it. Well, the manager on the women’s side tells me to just run the register, since I’m the fastest one in the store at it, and she will do her best to cover both sides. We only had two other people working the men’s department and corporate policy demanded there always been someone greeting at all entrances (there were two in this store) and someone on the register. Since the line was backing up into the women’s section, I didn’t have a choice.

For about fifteen minutes I’m cranking people out of the store and I can finally see the end of it all: Only 8 more people in line total! A man walks up with two arms full of clothing. He was holding something like four pairs of socks, three jeans and six shirts from what I recall. He’s obviously older than me, in his late thirties at least, but he has those boyish looks which makes you want to punch him even without getting to know him. With him is this tiny blond with so much jewelry on she could single-highhandedly wipe away Obama’s deficit.

“Hey, what can I do for you?” – Me
“Well, my secretary got me some things for my birthday and they aren’t my style. Most of them don’t even fit. I don’t shop at Eddie Bauer, I’ve never even been in one since before today. There’s nothing here that I would ever have an interest in.” – Him

Looking at this guy it was obvious he loved there was forests, but didn’t think anyone belonged in them. He would fight for free speech, but would demand you be disarmed. Don’t you dare search him or his car, but if you don’t have anything to hide, then you shouldn’t be worried about searches. You know…a libtard.

“Oh, that’s fine. Do you happen to have a gift receipt or the original receipt?” – Me
“No, of course I don’t. Why would I have a receipt? I told you these were gifts!” – Him
“Which is exactly why I asked if you had a gift receipt.” – Me
“I don’t. So I can’t return these?” – Him
“No, you can return them. Most of this stuff just went on sale today, so I’m not even going to mark these down to that. I seriously doubt you ran around grabbing this stuff and then brought it up to us.” – Me

I laugh and so does he. The blond isn’t even cracking a smile, just looking as dead any woman who bases how much she’s worth by how successful the man she’s with is. Most of the items I have to pull up in the terrible system in order to find numbers for and find what the price was before the day’s sale. I finish everything up and give him the amount.

“Okay, so what I can do is either provide a merchandise credit, in which case I will have to take a copy of your driver’s license, or I can do it on a gift card. Neither of them expire, but the gift card gives you the option of letting someone else use it.” – Me
“Unacceptable.” – Him
“Uh, what?” – Me
“Unacceptable. Are you fucking deaf?” – Him
“No, but I’m about to have selective hearing if you continue with that attitude.” – Me
“Just give me cash.” – Him
“I can’t. The system doesn’t even allow me to change the options.” – Me
“Then that whole thing about returns at any time is no problem up on the banner behind you is a god damn lie?!” – Him

He points to the banner, and yes, it does say “Return anything at any time!” It also said, “Eddie Bauer”, “First Ascent” and…underneath where it said “Return anything at anytime!” I pointed out the very slightly smaller print.

“It also says, right there, ‘Merchandise credit is given with no receipt.'” – Me
“No! I want MONEY CASH MONEY!” – Him
“I can’t.” – Me
“Let me talk to who’s in charge here!” – Him
“Me.” – Me as I tap my name tag which says “Manager”
“This is bullshit! PURE BULLSHIT! Just give me everything back!” – Him
“Very well. If you decide to bring it back in the future, if you don’t see me the person might not give you the full price for them and it’ll be the lowest sales price in the last ninety days instead.” – Me
“Oh, that’s fucking beautiful! FUCK ALL OF YOU! I am NEVER SHOPPING HERE AGAIN!” – Him
“Sir, you stated you never shopped here to begin with and this is the first time you’ve even been in our stores.” – Me

As he’s storming out, screaming, with his dead-in-the-soul blond in tow, he can’t help but scream, “FUCK YOU!” one more time. At this point, the female manager finally comes running over asking what’s going on. I fill her in and she starts freaking out about how we aren’t allowed to let people leave upset. She tries to find him, but can’t…that’s because someone called security and the guy was met by the cops who have a sub-station in the mall as well as mall security. They escorted him out of the mall because he was screaming in the commons at everyone.

The co-worker I was with backed me up on everything and how I was doing what corporate told us to do, as well as the store and district managers told us to do. During break, a bunch of people came up to talk to me about it and when I got to the part about how he said he was never shopping at Eddie Bauer again, I told them, “Remember how he said he never shopped here anyway. It’s like a vegetarian boycotting KFC. Who the fuck cares?”

A little over a week later, the store manager comes up to me and asks what happened. I tell her and she says, “Okay.” She then goes on to tell me how, even though I didn’t have the power to give him cash, I should have worked out a way to get him cash (WTF?!) and customers are never allowed to leave upset. Turns out he called corporate, screamed at them, they folded, gave him a full refund for all the items, allowed him to KEEP the items, and wanted me to sign a letter of apology. I refused and was threatened with a write up. I told her I cannot be written up for following company policy and then told her I had a recording of the encounter. She was shocked and surprised, then told me I wasn’t allowed to. Since there is no policy against it, I told her I would continue to do so and it’s to protect both me and the customer.

That recorder saved me two other times at that job and another time when I worked at Zales while doing my medical schooling after I left Eddie Bauer.


Well, that’s good enough for now. I may do another one in the future some time, but for now…it’s a wrap!

Don’t reply to my comments on other blogs (s)


Because I’m not going to respond. Morons.

When I leave a comment on another blog, I am not interested in what you have to say in response if you’re not the author. Hell, a lot of the time, I don’t even care what the author has to say in response. If I’m leaving you a comment in response to something you said, I don’t give a shit what you think about it.

Ironic? Only if you’re an idiot.

If you care what I say in response to you, then you lose and I win. Most of the time when I’m leaving you a message, it’s to point out what a dumb shit you are. If I’m agreeing with you, take it with a grain of salt and not as a trophy.

Honestly, why would I respond to you? All I do when I see the little icon lit up in the corner of my screen is click on it to clear it. I don’t read it. The one of the only times I read a response was when it was someone simply saying, “I’m blocking you!” Well, good for you. You approved my comment only to say you’re going to block me. Problem is, now everyone can see that post from both me and you. You come across as the dumb ass looking for attention.

Just because I don’t respond doesn’t mean you’ve won. I have at least ten cases in the past where I’ve seen the icon stating I have a comment, only to find out it’s someone constantly posting a “reply” asking why I’m not responding, and trying to claim victory. Just because I’m not arguing with an idiot doesn’t mean the idiot is winning. You aren’t winning, I am. Every time you post I get another point.

Thinking about responding to a comment I made on another blog on one of my entries? Well, I’m just going to delete it. Why? Because it’s out of place for the entry and I consider that spam. Continue to do so, and I’m going to block you on the principle of you posting spam in my blog and I’ll report you. You’re free to comment on the current content or even to other people in my entries, but that’s it. Otherwise, I could not care less what you have to say down there in the comments, especially if it’s entertaining.