How To: Survive Living in a Haunted House


Survive Living in a Haunted House

Most of the time, living in a haunted house is pretty cool. The parties alone are always epic, what with the sudden breaking out into musical numbers to tunes such as Day-o by Banana Boat, to being randomly thrown around the room violently all against your will. For kids parties, that’s just awesome. Even with all the fun to be had, there are some steps you must take in order to ensure a happy union of home owner and ghost, lest you end up upsetting the spirit(s) and having your dream home turn into a nightmare.

This guide is going to give you some basic instructions on how to deal with living in a haunted house. While not an all inclusive guide, by the end of this guide you will have a decent understanding on how to have a reasonably quiet home.


1. Make sure the house is haunted
Before you even begin to make life awesome by living in a haunted house, make sure you actually have a haunted house. 8 out of 10 times what is being experienced can be explained away. There are a couple of ways for you to figure out if your house is haunted. I’m going to list a few, and if you have more than one of these occurring and also have more than one person reporting them, chances are high you have a ghost.

  1. Cupboards and doors opening or closing by themselves forcefully
  2. Footsteps when no one is walking
  3. Animals are staring at nothing / Growling at nothing / Chase nothing
  4. Electronics are turning on/off by themselves, but don’t have a remote control nor timer
  5. Banging on walls or windows
  6. Bed shaking
  7. Random shadows moving of their own accord
  8. Muted voices which may or may not be having a conversation or whispering your name
  9. Smell of unknown origin which may or may not be pleasant
  10. Feeling as though you’ve walked into, or had draped over you, spider webs
  11. Cold spots which move on their own
  12. Feeling of heaviness in areas which move on their own
  13. Items disappearing and/or moving on their own

If you have more than one of those things occurring in your home, chances are you have a ghost! Should you want to be validated, contact a local ghost hunting organization in your area. The ones on TV are usually booked solid, so you’ll want anyone else. Mediums, who are usually rather large, will be willing to check out your home for a price, but never, ever pay for an investigation.
 
 
2. Why your house may be haunted
There are several reasons for actually having a haunted house. While many theories abound, no one is actually 100% certain as to why. Some hold if a person has a tragic or sudden death, the soul hangs around. Another belief is if someone dies with unfinished business, they will try to get that goal accomplished in the after life before moving on. Others believe there are more scientific reasons behind it. Here’s a few theories and explanation as to why it’s believed.

i. Limestone and quartz deposits with running water
This here is one of the scientific reasons. Quartz is used in many electronic devices and is known to hold information, just like a computer hard drive. When it is combined with limestone and running water, high with minerals, is rubbed along it, the information is released, much like a movie projector.

ii. Someone died in your home…or close to it
Obviously if someone died in your home, they aren’t going to leave. After all, it was their home before yours. If it was someone who died in your house after you bought it, well…just try kicking them out now.

Should you have a ghost of someone, or a few different people, come into your home because they died near by, take it as a compliment! They like your drape and carpet scheme.

iii. They are attracted to you
You sexy thing, you.
 
 
3. Understanding the dynamics of a haunted house
Once you’ve decided your house is haunted, it’s time to start understanding it. There are many different things which happen in a haunted house and each of them are caused by very interesting anomalies. Even though these things are paranormal, there is an explanation for each one.

A. Banging/Knocks
These are some of the most common phenomena to occur in a haunted house. Often times the banging is happening because a ghost wants to communicate. Other times it’s because the ghost is trapped in the walls. A ghost trapped in the walls is reasonably pissed off and wants to get out.

B. Opening doors
Even though ghosts can pass through solid objects, they sometimes forget. The doors open because they are trying to copy you, much like your dog just wants to be part of your “pack”.

C. Cold spots
An incorrect belief is cold spots is caused by ghosts pulling energy from the area around them to manifest. Truth is, a cold spot is caused by a ghost farting. Sometimes you’ll even hear them ask, “Ya’ smell that?” Mist is often times a visual cue of a ghost fart!

D. Being pulled out of your bed
Don’t be afraid of this. Ghosts are like an invisible alarm clock, but they experience time differently. Think of this like a cat trying to tell you it’s time to eat.

E. Feeling compelled to do something
Have you ever been in the front room and suddenly thought, “Hey, I should go to the bathroom!” Only…you didn’t actually need to? Yep, that’s the ghost telling you to do it in order to make you see something having to do with ghosts. Sometimes you get what is known as “ghost turds”. That’s where you know you took a dump, there’s poop on the paper, but there’s no turd in the toilet.

F. Being scratched, pushed, pulled, or hit
Ghosts are assholes.
 
 
4. Activities ghosts will do
Ghosts are known to do a lot of different things. This guide has already listed a few of them, but that’s not all. Some of the activities ghosts partake in will seem strange to you and no one is certain as to why they do them. Here’s a small sample of what to expect from ghosts do for fun while hanging out in your home.

  • Spooky noises
    Ghosts will fly or walk around making spooky noises. This is the most classic of all ghost activities. They’re probably doing this for fun and are trying to scare you. Remember, every day is Halloween for ghosts!

  • Read books
    Perhaps the most confusing things ghosts do for fun is read books. They really like The Bible.

  • Throw raging keggers
    Ghosts like to party. When they aren’t drinking enough to kill a living person, they are usually getting high as fuck.

  • Hide and go seek
    Ghosts aren’t always around, and when they aren’t, they’re playing Hide and Go Seek with you. At times they’ll play this game with your keys, so if you can’t find them, chances are a ghost is making you find them for their amusement. When you’ve had enough, simply yell “Olly olly oxen free!” They’ll know the game is over for this match and return your item or come out of hiding.

  • Dance around in your underwear
    Why? Who knows, but ghost love your dirty underwear and will dance around all night in them.

 
5. Communicating with the ghost(s)
Ghosts don’t liked to be ignored…I mean, who does? Well, besides that strange dude who goes through your garbage at 1A.M. Seriously, though…what’s up with that asshole? It’s like, come on, I know you’re doing it. You’re not being that quiet or anything. If you want scraps, just say something and I may be nice enough to help out. The soup kitchen is open until 4A.M. Wait…why am I writing to you here? You don’t have internet access…

I. Ouija boards
These are like telephones, but for ghosts. Ouija boards are completely safe and fun! These can be used by anyone without any kind of worry what so ever! These are also known as angel boards, talking board, witch dialer, demon callers, and Satan’s cookbook. The last name there is a translation and something of the poetic nature was lost in the English words.

II. Just talking
Ever wonder why we tell ghost stories around the camp fire? That’s because ghosts like a nice fire side chat. So do actors. Just start chatting it up and wait for replies.

III. Automatic writing
I don’t mean like in the story Tommy Knockers by Stephen King. Automatic writing is where you close your eyes and suddenly you’ve written something in writing which isn’t your own. All you need to do is grab something to write with and then ask some questions.

IV. Polaroids
Yep, for some reason ghosts like to write on Polaroid pictures. No one quite knows why, but if there are ghosts present, they will write something out in Latin and maybe Welsh.

V. Special ghost phone
Nokia is currently in development of a special phone designed to talk directly to the dead. Be careful, though, the auto correct with the text messaging can really piss a ghost off!
 
 
6. Appeasing the ghost(s)
Many cultures have different ways of keeping ghosts happy. If the spirit(s) in your home are upset, then don’t expect to have a happy home. Unlike what Nintendo would have you believe, you cannot simply vacuum a ghost up! Since we are a few years away from having a working unlicensed positron accelerator packs available for a reasonable retail price, the best we can do is appease them. Here’s a few ways to make that happen.

/. Worship
Sometimes a spirit just wants to be worshiped. Just do it. I mean, it’s not like the Christian God said not to do that. Right?

/\. Leave offerings of food and/or tobacco
The Chinese believe if they leave feasts laying about randomly, wayward spirits will be appeased. Hell, I know if someone kept leaving me free Chinese food I’d be pleased as hell! Chinese food is awesome.

Tobacco is a personal call. I know plenty of people who enjoy a nice pipe, a relaxing cigarette, or a smooth cigar. For the modern age, leave out a freshly wrapped fatty. Ghosts love to get high, remember? Just make sure it’s legal where you are. If it’s not, don’t let the cops know about it. They’re not going to believe it’s for your ghost.

/\|. Sacrifice your pets
Your pets are always annoying your ghost, which is why your pets are always freaking out. Sad but true, you’re going to have to get rid of your pets. Selling them isn’t good enough. Nope, you need to ritually sacrifice your pets to the spirit(s) haunting your home. The more you love your pet before you kill it, the happier the ghost(s) will be and, in return, the happier you’ll be in your home.

Doing the same thing with your children yields even better results, but requires much more time and effort to do. Just stick with the pets.

/\|/. Have sex
Ghosts are not only assholes, but huge perverts. Now, one of the good things is if your spouse turns out to possessed, they may be possessed by a famous person. How cool would it be to learn about history from Abraham Lincoln while simultaneously nailing your loved one? It’s like a ménage à trois with no risk of after cheating because it’s your spouse’s body! “Four score, and I’m about to cum!”

Ghosts will always be watching you have sex. They may or may not participate, but they will be watching. Just be prepared for the occasional ghost pinky in your butthole. At least…they’ll say it’s a pinky…
 
 
7. Getting rid of your ghost(s)
Why would you do this? There’s no reason to. Besides, there is no getting rid of them. You’ll have to move. Oh, but sometimes they move with you.


So there you have it! An easy guide to survive living in a haunted house. Now you know…and knowing is like five tenths the battle!

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Incredible Life Hacks

Sunrie's How To Guides

Life Hacks

Life…sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, and sometimes it needs to be hacked! We hack everything from bank accounts to PS3’s, so why not our own life? Whether its trying to untangle a mess of cables or getting out of paying child support, you can be sure there’s a life hack for it.

Unlike electronics, though, life hacks are more about thinking outside of the box rather than creating a script…though that may be part of a life hack. A script, I mean. You might need a script for life hacking a meeting with your boss. See? That’s outside the box a bit right there!

While there are nearly countless amounts of other sights on the Internet claiming to have incredible life hacks, with these proven methods from the respected How To Guide guru Sunrie, you are assured quality. You’ll also get a quantity of them. Also, unlike other sides, this guide is provided to you free of charge! Yes, that’s right, this incredible Sunrie How To Guide is completely free just like many others.

Listed below are 14 high quality life hacks for you to enjoy.


1. Perfect Garage Parking
Are you always just a little unsure of where you are when you pull into the garage because of the length of your car? Simply hang a tennis ball from the ceiling in the perfect place for it to rest gently against your windshield. This will ensure you are always far enough forward without going too far!
 
 
2. Holistic Heartburn Remedy
Have stubborn heartburn which won’t go away? Have high blood pressure and don’t want to take the store bought artificial crap? Need relief right away? Well, a cup of peppermint tea (hot or cold) will clear it right up! When has tea ever done you wrong?
 
 
3. Increased Audio from Integrated Computer Speakers
Are your computer speakers too quiet? Do you just want to hear it from further away? Well, take a plastic cup and cut it in half down the length of it. Place the two halves face down on your speakers for instant amplification!
 
 
4. Whiter Teeth for Cheaper
Want to have the benefit of expensive teeth whitening systems, but don’t want to shell out the crazy amounts of cash for them? Just add a dash of baking soda in.

Want to up it to the next level and have ballin’ white teeth like all the stars in Hollywood? Well, simply mix bleach with your dollar store toothpaste. Bleach works wonders with clothing and even more for your yellowed teeth!
 
 
5. Take Burns Over Stains on Motel/Hotel Matresses
I don’t think I really need to elaborate here…it’s kind of common sense. When you have a choice of a bed with a burn or a stain when you’re in a motel/hotel, always take the one with a burn. After all, you know what made the burn.
 
 
6. Sanitary Napkins are Versatile
Go ahead and ask any person riding a Harley-Davidson with saddle bags if they have maxi-pads in there. No, really, go ahead and ask. Almost every biker carries these for heavy road rash injuries.

In addition to that, they make great sticky notes for either home or vehicle use. Out of paper and someone parked like an idiot, and you just have to let them know? Write on the back of one and slam it on their windshield for a note which is guaranteed to not be blown away in the wind and will even increase the size of your writing if it gets wet!

Don’t have a note board or told someone “a million times” to do something? Writing the message on one of these puppies and stick it to the fridge or their door to get the message across you are fucking god damn serious about whatever it is you’re “on the rag” about!!!!!!!!
 
 
7. Covert Curtain Rods
Most curtain rods are hollow and the end caps can be removed. Kids, this is a great place to hide drugs or other illegal items from your parents! Even blinds will work, since the bar at the top usually has a cavity pointed up toward the top of the window out of view.
 
 
8. Forging a Signature with Ease
Do you need to forge someone’s signature? Do you want to make it seem like your boss authorized a pay raise or issued you a check? Do you need to make it seem like your parents signed something? Just want to fake a signature to make it seem like a real autograph?

Simply rub the back of the paper with a real signature already on it with pencil. Then, place the signature down where you need it and trace over the original signature. BAM! It’s now transferred in pencil where you can then trace over it once again in pen to make it permanent! Once the ink has dried, you can erase the pencil. Great for getting out of visiting your sick mother in the hospital.
 
 
9. Great Looking Abs For Wookies
Great looking abs are hard to get for anyone, but wookies have it particularly rough. With hair covering anywhere between 75% to 99% of their body, even with hard work, diet, and exercise their abs just don’t show through.

So, why bother exercising at all? Simply mark out the correct pattern in hair and take an electric razor to shave it down to skin. Instant Mike Chang’s Six Pack Abs without the work!

Remember: Physical attraction is all an illusion anyway. Drink the beer, eat the fat, and smoke those cigarettes. YOLO!
 
 
10. Battery Saving on Smart Phones
This works with any smart phone on any carrier. No, it doesn’t matter if you have an iOS, Android, or Windows based phone. It’s really simple: Put the fucking thing down for ten fucking minutes!

Not only does this tip help the battery last longer, you’re also not being a total asshole to the person or people you’re with because you’re giving them real attention! It’s a two-fer!
 
 
11. Lose Weight While Watching TV and Save Money
First, get rid of your 275 channel subscription service. You’re probably only watching four of the channels, at the most, and you’ll be saving an average of $65 a month! Since you will only have a few channels to chose from now, there won’t be any fighting over what to watch. It’ll shut your children the hell up as well as long as you beat them.

Trust me…when you have a limited amount of choice over what to watch and your children are screaming about it, you’re going to take your anger out on something or someone. Your wife can do things for you your children can’t…at least they shouldn’t be doing it! If you need help, you can always solicit my help. Click this sentence for more information (opens in a new window).

Next, get rid of your remote. Now every time you need to adjust the volume or change the channel you will be getting off your backside and walking to your television. Within weeks you could be five pounds lighter!
 
 
12. Free Paternity Tests
Children are disgusting creatures which give nothing back to you in return for all the time and money. Take it from me, I’m pretty sure my mother has some sadness in her heart over my existence given some of her reactions to just my writings online alone. You need to make sure a child is yours before you put down one red cent to help the woman’s mother raise it.

The Maury Povich Show, The Test, The Steve Wilkos Show, and many others will administer a paternity test free of charge. Just make sure you have a really good story and set up some drama. These shows won’t take you if you come across well educated and stable. you’re going to need at least one person screaming, someone munching on dirt, and another person to throw a chair in order to get a fight started.

Not only are you going to make sure the little bastard who is about to grow up without a father is yours to abandon and doesn’t belong to someone else, if the failed abortion does turn out to be the “good job” of someone else, then you got to show what a whore the chick is on national television!
 
 
13. Security for You and Your Loved Ones
Carry a gun with you. Honestly…why wouldn’t you? Cops are too heavy and depending on where you are, they could take thirty minutes or more to get to you. You’d be dead by then. I’ve had pizza delivered faster than the cops arrived at times.

Don’t like guns? Leave it to the professionals? Would you try to put yourself, your property, or another person on fire out, right? Why wouldn’t you just call the fire department and let professionals handle it?
 
 
14. Floral Arrangements on the Dime
Flowers are expensive and figuring out what a nice arrangement would be is a hassle. Luckily, graveyards are a great source for flowers already done up and they’re free to you!

Graveyards have some of the best floral arrangements you can find. Predictably, the graves of dead babies tend to have the absolute best bouquets to choose from. The fresher the better, too. The grave I mean, not the flowers.

If you don’t want to take it from the baby graves…honestly, though, they were babies if they even lived that long so what do they want with flowers…look for any grave which still has pictures of the deceased. You’re also looking for graves which have pristine looking headstones and soft dirt on top.

Really old people aren’t going to have nice floral arrangements since anyone related to them are most likely dead or are entitled shitheads. They also won’t be as likely to have the bouquets restocked as fast and readily as those dead babies.


Well, there you are, life hackers! Get out there and hack at your life for the better, or to ruin it for someone else!

How To Be A Jerk When Shopping

How To:
Be A Jerk When Shopping

A Sunrie Guide

Duuuuuuuuuurrrrrr!
Welcome to another great Sunrie’s How To Guide where many of your questions are answered. Today you’ll be learning how to act like a jerk when shopping. As with all of Sunrie’s How To Guides, you will be taught how to do this with finesse, cooth, and sophistication. You won’t be learning to run down around the store screaming like an idiot, but you will learn what to say when walking into a store and successfully blend into common society!

Just like a junior high school student being introduced to a drug dealer, this first taste is completely free of charge. Please remember you do not have to do all of these things, just some. Be creative: Mix and Match!

Without further ado, here is the guide.


Dumb dee-dumb dumb duuuuuuuuumb!1. Store workers are not people
This guide was going to start off with being instantly confrontational, but the utmost important thing to understand and accept in your brain is the people who work in a store are not people. Not even slightly.

If this guide is to be effective for you at maximum capacity, you must learn to believe those helping you get your precious retail item are dumber than you, slower than you, and not worth the air they are stealing from you. Just like waiters and waitresses, if the people working at the store were worth anything, they wouldn’t be working at the store! After all, anyone willing to assist you with something as mundane as getting a t-shirt is obviously a shit stain on the mark of humanity. If someone is helping you, then you are more important than them.
 
 
2. Be instantly confrontational
The moment you walk into a store, be confrontational for absolutely no reason what so ever. This is extremely effective if the retail establishment greets people as they enter. Great places to practice are Wal*Mart and American Eagle since they seem to always have someone at the entrances to politely welcome you in to the store.

What you don’t want to do is scream or yell at the person because doing so could get security called on you. Instead, you need to make snide remarks or a direct, fierce rebuttal to a genuine greeting. For instance, when someone welcomes you into the store, reply with something like, “Can’t I just look around?!” Make sure your voice is elevated as if they are trying to push a sale on you.

If any employee comes up and asks if there is anything they can help you find, throw your hands either up or down dramatically while sighing as loudly as possible, followed up with a statement such as, “I don’t need any help!”
 
 
3. Be confused to what store you’re in and what they sell
This is most important when going into store which sell a very specific item, like Guess Jeans, The Apple Store or a gun store. When going into these stores, you need to ask them if they sell the specific item they specialize in.

For instance, when you go into a gun store you need to look at one of the associates and ask, “Do you guys sell guns here?” When you walk into the Apple store, you should ask something like, “So, do you only sell Apple products here or something?” If you’re in Guess Jeans, you need to ask something along the lines of, “Is it possible to get jeans at this store?”

After the person stares at you for a moment, dumbfounded, wave your hands at them for a moment or snap your fingers impatiently. Regardless if you’re being serious or not the sales associate shouldn’t be so rude as to look at you in anything but a happy manner. You’re a guest, etiquette as a guest be damned!
 
 
4. Grab two shopping carts or hand baskets / Load your hands up with items
If you’re in a place which has shopping carts or hand baskets, then grab two of them. No, it doesn’t matter if you aren’t in the store to get enough items to fill them with things you want. What you will be doing is filling one with what you want, and then another with random things you have no intention of buying.

Should the store not have shopping carts or hand baskets, then you’ll want to carry as many things as possible around with you. This technique is best suited for clothing stores, where you can drape things over your arms. Anything you want to keep needs to be on top of everything, so you can easily set it aside before you toss everything else on the counter. More on all of this in section 9.
 
 
5. Make a stupid joke about what they can help you find…or just be mean
Your jokes never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever, never, never, never, ever, for any reason ever, never, ever get old for people working retail.

When someone asks if they can help you find anything, then give out a joke like, “A million dollars!!!” Be super excited about it, too! If you want to be proactive about it, when you’re greeted, ask something like, “I take it you don’t sell waffles here?!” See, you’re in a place which obviously would not be selling waffles, so it’s gonna be funny. Just make sure you’re in a place which wouldn’t be selling waffles like The Lego Store.

If someone asks how you’re doing, tell them something along the lines of, “I’ll be doing a lot better if you just let me look around.” Have almost no emotion behind it as well. This will instill a sense of dread in the polite employee. This leads us to the next section of the guide…
 
 
6. Immediately reject all offers for help
Sales associates are there to help you and are even punished by their employers for not offering assistance, so let them know your distaste for this practice by rejecting their help immediately when you’re approached. Make a bit of a deal out of it, too, as if they are insulting your intelligence level. Remember not to go completely ape-shit about it, though.

As pointed out in a previous section, being visibly upset and saying something along the lines of, “Can’t I just look around?!” loudly is effective, as is sighing so loud everyone in the vicinity can hear you. This lets others know they are encouraged to act in a similar manner, since most employees at retail stores are not allowed to say anything negatively back to you. After all, you don’t want a real confrontation on your hands…you’re a coward, otherwise you’d act like this with strangers in an area where they aren’t bound by corporate policy.
 
 
Obama/Biden for Fuhrer 20127. Complain no one is around to help you and don’t directly ask for help
Once you’ve completely rejected all offers for help, it’s time to start looking around for something you can’t find. Since you’ve established yourself as a total jerk who doesn’t want to be bothered, no one is going to help you. It is now your job to wander around like a lost puppy trying to find what you want, but don’t be happy about it.

Every person you come across, make statements about how you can’t find what you want in the store because it’s a terrible layout and then comment how the employees never seem to be helpful. Talk mention how the employees are more interested in talking to each other and running the register…when someone is at the register. I’ll talk more about this later.

Also, if you come across another employee who isn’t helping you and isn’t assisting someone else or stocking at ground level, don’t ask for their help. Instead, stand around with a confused look on your face, constantly looking over at the employee, and/or keep sighing. Another option is to keep walking toward the employee like you’re going to say something, but never do, and just keep walking by them. You don’t want them to know you can recognize who actually works there. This brings us to the next section of the guide…
 
 
8. Act like you don’t know who works at the store
The employees at retail stores usually wear a name tag with the store name, a radio, may even be in a specific uniform, and will be doing things such as running the register or stocking items from a flat bed cart full of boxes. IGNORE ALL OF THIS!!!

What you’ll need to do is ask random people in the store if they work there, then be surprised when they say no. If you don’t want to come across as a total idiot to random people and just a jerk, then only do this to the employees. If you see someone in a uniform and/or a stocking items while talking on the radio and/or helping customers, you will want to stare at them with total confusion and ask, “Um…do you work here?”

No one can expect you to use your brain…and besides, since the person you’re asking help from is there to assist you, they aren’t people and therefore their opinions don’t matter. That’s right, their opinion of you is just like a hooker trying to explain your moral shortcomings or a Muslim trying to teach peace…it doesn’t matter. Yep, you just read that. It happened.
 
 
9. Dump everything you don’t want on the cashier, be rude and request the price of each item as it is rung up
Now that you’re ready to pay for the few items you actually want, it’s time to dump everything you’ve collected up until this point on the cashier’s counter top if you’re carrying it. If you have two carts or two hand baskets, then make sure they know you have what you want in one, and the one which is completely over flowing with items is what you do not want. Never mind most people don’t collect things they don’t want into a shopping car/hand basket or carry it around awkwardly. What matters is the factyou did.

Don’t forget to tell the cashier how long everything has been taking if there was a line and how you’re in a hurry. Demand they tell their supervisors to add more cashiers, even if all the cash registers are being operated at the time. This is a very effective technique if there are only two registers going because there are only two registers in the entire store. If there are people out and about trying to help people shop, complain there is no one running the register! After all, you didn’t want their help out on the sales floor so they must not be busy. If there really was no staffing on the floor to help you, complain even more that there is no help in the store and demand the management do something about it. Don’t actually request to speak to a manager, and never mind the employee has no control of the situation, just demand the management do something about it.

If there is a long line, make sure the cashier takes care of your wants before your discards. If there is no line, then make them take care of your discards before your wants. Why? Well, making them take care of your wants first when there is a line ensures you’re out of there before someone in the line gets really upset and voices their disdain for you while making them continue to wait. If there is no line, then you can almost be assured by the time the cashier gets finished processing the discards and rings you up, there is now a long line forming behind you!

Make sure you tell the cashier you want the price of each item as they are ringing it up as well. Not only does this hold everyone else up, but you’re making more work for the cashier. As the price is being told to you, think about it for up to five seconds. Five seconds may not seem like a long time, but to the people waiting and the cashier, it will seem like an eternity. If all your items are around the same price, if something is ten cents more expensive than something else, tell them you don’t want it.

Once everything has been rung up and you’re given a total, shout the price in surprise and then ask, “How can that be?!” When the cashier tries to explain, go through your bag and ask them to once again read the price of each item. Be very upset when you give them the form of payment and tell them you can’t believe it’s so expensive for such a small amount of items. Once again demand the employee talk to “corporate” to be more reasonable, add more staff to help on the floor, add more cashiers, and how you’ll never shop there again. Which brings us to the last lesson of this guide…
 
 
I am angry for getting what I want!10. Claim you’ll never shop there again
Is it true? Hell no! You’ll be back in three days to return almost everything you bought and then again the following week to do this all over again! You aren’t in it for the abuse…you’re in it to abuse!


You did it! You’ve completed this free Sunrie’s How To Guide! For more free guides check these out:
The Writing Process: A Sunrie Guide
How to Troll: A Sunrie Guide
Driving Tips for One Day a Week Drivers
What To Actually Do in a Relationship
Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time
and…
Many More!

The Writing Process: A Sunrie Guide

The Writing Process
A Sunrie Guide

 
The writing process can be a long, tedious, or even scary experience if you aren’t prepared for it. Many people find they wish they could write, but end up with severe writer’s block, or worse yet, they simply don’t have the talent. Fear not! For with this guide, Sunrie shall teach you how to write like a pro! Before you know it, you’ll be writing so much you won’t know how you ever got any work done.
 
 
1. Get Relaxed
The most important thing you can do for yourself as a writer is be relaxed. There’s nothing worse than being tense when sitting down to put your deep thoughts, as shallow as they may be, down on paper. Make sure you have a comfortable chair and either music which will stimulate those creative juices or absolute quiet, whichever you prefer. If you just can’t seem to get relaxed, step 2 just may help with that.
 
 
2. Get Wasted and/or Masturbate
Get yourself some booze and rub one out. Doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, just rub one out. Whatever kind of alcohol you want is what you’ll be using. I don’t care if it’s beer or tequila, just start downing the stuff. Hell, you can even rub one out while drinking for all I care.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “But, Sunrie…does alcohol really help with the writing process?”. The answer is, “Duh!” Ever drunk text someone or had someone drunk text you? Exactly. You get all kinds of ideas and write all kinds of shit when you’re wasted. It’s not going to matter if things are typed out all crazy right now. You can fix all of that later.
 
 
3. Get an Idea
If you’re having to write something demanded by a teacher, you shouldn’t be having issues with this as it is. After all, you know what you’re supposed to write about, then why aren’t you writing? Well…if you’re like me, you hate being told what to write and end up with brain lock on the subject. However, that is what the copious amounts of booze and masturbation is for.

You don’t need an idea to start off with thanks to step 2 if you don’t already have a topic given to you. Now that you’re good and wasted, or even sexually satisfied, it’s time to think of an idea. If you’re drunk, this comes pretty easy, but if you just got done spanking yourself, it may be a little more difficult. I can’t help give you ideas, but I can tell you what not to write about:

1. Zombies
2. A Writing Guide
3. Midgets
4. Liberal Propaganda
5. What You Had to Eat
6. The Fact You Just Fucked Yourself

Now, that’s not a full and complete list, obviously, but it’s a start of what you should be avoiding. Moving on!
 
 
4. Putting It All Down
This shouldn’t be difficult at this point, especially if you’re wasted. Just start typing what comes to mind. You’re going to edit this all later, so it’s all good in the hood.

Just start writing what comes to your head. Fuck all the need for correct grammar, structure, chronology, or even punctuation. If you don’t spill your thoughts down on paper now while you can still remember them, you’re going be screwed. Hell, if this is a critical paper you must write for a class, you might end up having to spew your brains out all over the walls. Wait…what am I saying…most of you “writers” out there aren’t armed…

Remember, you aren’t actually a pro, you’re just going to be writing like you were one, and all the greats write this way. Do you really think Tom Clancy or Stephen King don’t sit down with a glass of alcohol and just start writing? Seriously, if you do, then you’ve obviously never read any of their books. Tom Clancy’s writings are about as predictably paced and standardized as you can ever imagine and Stephen King’s writings can only come from someone wasted off their ass. Though, to be fair to Stephen King, he was using some awesome psychedelic drugs when he first started, but has cut back to hard booze, and his newer writings show.
 
 
5. Fix and Edit
Okay, you did it! You managed to spew all your thoughts onto the page and have completed what you wanted. At this point, you can either leave it, as I suggest, or you can go ahead and edit everything around to make more sense. The choice is yours.
 
 
Congratulations! Now all you need to do is repeat the process for each time you want or need to write. Get out there, next superstar of writing!


Posted 1/7/2013 at 4:16 AM on Xanga

How I plan to survive the zombie apocolypse

Sure some people think about it jokingly, but do you really have a plan?  I sure as hell do, and I guarantee you that unlike the vast majority of people out there, my plan is actually going to keep me safe.  Why? Because I have enough sense to think in advance the problems there will be.  Here are a few of the points in my Zombie Apocalypse Plan.
 
 
1. Preparedness and Awareness
First off, I’m pretty well plugged in to what is going on.  I won’t be hanging out and acting like the characters in Shaun of the Dead.  No way.  Unlike them, I’m a perceptive son-of-a-bitch and will instantly know that there are zombies beginning to appear.  Yeah, kind of like a boy scout, but a man, a manly man who’s out to kick ass. A LOT of ass, actually.

The vast majority of people tend to be surprised when they see a cop on the freeway.  Why?  Because they don’t pay attention.  Nope, not me.  I’m always looking up, out, and around.  I usually spot cops and accidents WAY before everyone else comes up on them.  Yeah, I’m that guy.

Now, I’m not saying that I have a huge storage of food, water, toilet paper, or any of that kind of paranoid, pussy crap.  No!  I am mentally prepared, which is better than being regular prepared because I said so.  If you’re ready to do what it takes mentally, then you have what it takes to get shit done.  This brings me up to the next part of my plan.
 
 
2. Fit Mind and Body
<Keeanu Reeve’s voice>I know Kung Fu.</Keeanu Reeve’s voice> Well, okay, I know a few mixes of martial arts.  Hand to hand combat is essential for being able to stop a Zombie trying to eat your face at close range.

Know what else martial arts is good for?  Well, balance for one, and focus for another.  Being able to remain calm in a situation where someone or something is trying to kill you is key.  You don’t want to panic.  I won’t panic.  See, I can think at least one step ahead of the zombie, which probably isn’t thinking very much at all.

Another thing I have going for me is working out.  I do quite a bit of cardiovascular exercises and I lift weights.  I might not be huge, but I’m in better shape than most of you out there.  It’s kind of like out running a bear: I only have to run faster and longer than the person next to me.  Funny as it sounds, the movie Zombie Land had it right when he said his number one rule was cardio.  The fatties will definitely be the first to go.

Hell, think about it…would you keep chasing after an elk if it dropped a one pound hamburger with all your favorite fixings?  Well, I probably would only because I love the taste of elk meat, but I would pick up that burger on the way to do so.  If the elk is lucky enough, by the time I finish picking up the burger, I’ve lost it’s trail.  I will SO use you for that distraction, Fatty McFat Fat!

I know, I know, I know…you’re probably thinking, “Yeah, well, when someone is trying to eat your face ‘Crouching Tiger’ turns into ‘Crapping Pants’!  If you were getting eaten by a lion, you’d probably be freaking out.”  That’s true.  I’m not going to pretend otherwise.  This brings me to the other point of my plan.
 
 
3. Knowledge and Skill with Weapons
I like guns.  I own guns.  I know how to use guns effectively.  What’s the point of owning guns or running around with a gun if you can’t use it correctly?

My plan is to not only use my guns to my advantage, but use them smart.  How is that?  Well, first of all, don’t just spray and pray.  Only taking shots I know that I can make.

There are a few key notes when dealing with a zombie.  First off, they are like a human on PCP.  That is, they keep getting up and forcing themselves to move even when an arm or other limb is destroyed.  Zombies are always put down when shot in the head.  Head shots from a distance, especially with a pistol is very difficult.  Pistol shots should be reserved for extremely close quarters.

When a zombie is rushing and a pistol shot isn’t going to be a good idea, then go with the shotgun full of buck shot.  While slugs will offer more knock down power, they’re more like a rifle, meaning you have to be much more accurate.  Buck shot offers more shredding power, especially for a head shot.

For medium range, switch over to a good assault rifle.  The ability to riddle a zombie with bullets is nice and all, but you want to conserve your ammunition.  The real reason you want a good assault rifle is for crowd control.  Unlike in video games, one shotgun blast isn’t going to take down five zombies at a time.  A good AR is going to allow you to sweep a group, hopefully tagging each one close to the head or at least making them stagger.

What about a long range attack?  I WILL NOT DO IT!  What’s the point?  The zombies are going to be attracted by the noise of a battle anyway, and the worst thing I can think of is attracting more than I need to.  Why in the world would I try sniping zombies who are over two hundred yards away?  Sneaking is a much better option.

Close range combat is the biggest bitch of them all, but not the end of your life!  Remember what I said about zombies getting put down permanently when you destroy the brain?  Yep, that’s right, I’ll get a good melee weapon.

The staple of every zombie defense is the chainsaw.  However, there is one huge issue I see with using a chainsaw, and that is the noise it creates.  Also, you will run out of gas eventually.  Even if it’s powered by electricity, you aren’t in for a lot of killing, since you’re limited by your extension cord.  Not to mention the start up time.

See, I have swords…lots of swords.  I have two in particular which are made for actual combat.  I also have baseball bats.  Hell, I don’t even have to get my hands on any of those.  Anything is a good enough weapon if you’re thinking, which I know how to do, obviously.

Rock on the ground?  Pick it up and bash some skulls!  Is there a construction site nearby?  Well, grab yourself some wooden planks, hammers, wrenches, what have you and you’re set.  I think about this, which is why I’m going to survive.

Oh, and going back to that crowd thing…let me bring up my next point on how I plan to survive the coming Zombie Apocalypse.
 
 
4. Steer clear of the crowds
You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Run to the mall!” or even “Get to the gun store!”, but more than likely, “Get out of town!”

That is exactly why ~I~ am going to survive the Zombie Apocalypse and you are going to die!

I’m not saying to be a hermit.  Absolutely not.  What I’m saying is to be smart about things.  I understand that while the world is being eaten around everyone, they are going to panic.  When people panic, people get stupid, when people get stupid, they think less than they already do.  What will end up happening is everyone getting on the roads at  the same time.  One man’s traffic jam is a zombie’s buffet.  I also know how to ride a motorcycle both on and off road, which will aid me in maneuvering around everyone else.

Thanks to zombie films, people will want to rush over to the mall.  Doing so will be a fatal flaw in many people’s plans.  Since people are going to be rushing there, they will undoubtedly leave doors open, break open windows, and crowd together for a nice meal-in-a-box.  It’ll be the restaurant of zombie choice.  So, no thank you!

I had brought up how I will have some firearms with me in the previous part of my plan. Well, you’re stupid for thinking that you’re going to rush over to a gun store and just take some guns.  People who sell guns generally like guns, own guns, and know how to use guns.  They aren’t going to let you take their life line from them!  I sure as hell wouldn’t.  More than likely, you’ll have your face shot off before you even make it to the front door.  Besides, even if you do make it to the front door, what makes you think they’ll just let you in?

My plan is to know where my safer locations are and give it a few if I get caught up in the shit of it.  Once things start to calm down a little bit, I can move around much more safely and freely.  I’m not stupid enough to go up into the high country towns for some mountain living, either.  Nope, I’m good enough to survive in some of the deeper mines and caves in this state.  After getting a few essentials at some sport shops, I’ll be all hooked up.  Oh, and don’t confuse me with someone stupid enough to cook out in the open where the zombies can see the smoke and smell the food.
 
 
5. Final Survival Length
Well, I’d give myself until they all starved to death, except for one huge issue.  As one of my buddies once stated, he gives me a year before I remember that the H1Z3 virus is a sexually transmitted disease, and I catch it.

I mean, you’d eventually hit that ass to the right, too…right?

 
 


Obama: “They aren’t zombies, they are enemy eaters!”


Posted 4/27/2010 at 3:25 PM on Xanga

How To Troll: A Sunrie Guide

Yes, trolling. It’s an art. There’s a fine line between trolling, being a complete waste of bandwidth, and just looking like the pathetic moron that you are. However, do not fret, my friends! For with “Sunrie’s Guide to Trolling” you will multiple ways of being an effective Internet troll. This lesson, like all firsts tastes, is completely free! We’ll start off with the basics and then go on to specific types of trolls with brief overviews of each.
 
 
Trolling Basics

1. Communication
First and foremost, to be an effective troll, you must be able to communicate well. While this may seem counter intuitive to some, the effective troll knows how to get the intended reaction with well placed communication. This may be done with what appears to be terrible typing skills, deplorable grammar and syntax, abysmal spelling, or even with near perfect grammar, syntax, typing skills, and spelling. No matter what you choose, make sure that you’re doing it well.
 
 
2. Conducting Yourself Versus One/Multiple
Now, what you don’t want to do is go in with guns blazing at your intended target(s). Too many would be trolls make the mistake of going all out right away. You should avoid direct, instant insults to the target(s). For instance, if your target is talking about how many books s/he has read in the year so far, don’t go in there like this:

These books are fucking retarded just like you! Stupid cunt/assmunch! Fuck you!

It’s not effective and is only going to get you blocked. No one will care what you think when you go in like this. What you want to do is more of the following:

Who cares? This is what you’re doing with your time? Certainly explains a lot!

Why? Well, what you “asked” first is probably what 90% of all the other people reading what the target(s) have written anyway. The second and third part insinuate you, and possibly others, see the target(s) as stupid or uneducated in things outside the books, which is probably true. There will be a few people who will start a flame war against you trying to defend the target(s) and the target(s) will most like try to defend themselves, resulting in them looking more like a tool. This is your goal.
 
 
3. Conducting Yourself Versus Multiple
Now, if you’re going after multiple targets there are a few ways of going about it. One way is doing so from your own website or from a topic in which you create. Another way of doing it is by hijacking a topic created by another user, chatline, etc. Both are performed essentially the same and this is a very effective way to annoy or piss off many people at once.

Again, you won’t want to go in firing off everything at once. You need a little bit of subtlety with this. Here’s an example of what not to do:

Look at all the fucking retards here. Someone call the bitch police, because there’s nothing except for fucktards here!

You’ll just get ignored by the majority of the people. Sure one or two people will try to bitch back at you, but they, too, will mostly likely get kicked and/or banned. You need some finesse with this. What do I mean? Well, let’s say you’re in a chatline or an entry with a large group of people of the same mind set and all they are doing is jacking each other off about how smart they all are and how much they all agree with each other. You’ll want to call attention to that, but in an easy way:

Is everyone going to just stand around hugging each other? When you crybabies are done with the group therapy, let’s get to some big-boy talk.

Not only are you letting them know they are just going around and around with no actual thought, but you’re implying their intelligence is on par with a preschooler. Again, this is probably true.
 
 
4. Adding Shock Value
A really good way to do this is to start your own topic and make claims that are just enough to be believable. While you might not actually believe, say, absolutely every Muslim is a Jew beating, day care center bombing terrorist (no matter how true), you’re going to want to make statements which lead people to believe you do.

You don’t want to make the entire topic that outrageous, of course. There has to be a lot of other things which are completely believable and actually reflect your views, in a reasonable way, sprinkled through out. An example? Well, you just had one in the previous paragraph. Here it is emphasized for the slower learners:

While you might not actually believe, say, absolutely every Muslim is a Jew beating, day care center bombing terrorist (no matter how true), you’re going to want to make statements which lead people to believe you do.

The highlighted area is what I’m talking about. See how everything up until that point is somewhat reasonable and believable? Another example is when I made an entry about just saying Merry Christmas. I told people I would make up the letter to the Xanga staff for them. Here it is (bold sections are done as they were originally):

Dear Xanga Administration,This is about a user named Sunrie. He expresses an opinion which greatly differs from mine and that offends me. Like, greatly offends me. It offends me so bad that I cried harder than an African woman who just watched her entire family get carpet bombed in a tribe war.

Can you please delete his account? I believe that we should all have the right to say and feel the way that I think is the right way, and if you don’t then you should be removed. Thank you, I greatly appreciate it.

Sincerely,

(Put your Username)

P.S. If you don’t do this, then I will write an entry about how you guys don’t care about anyone. Thanks!

Do you see where the shock value is added up in there? Not only am I implying they are simply being moronic for being upset at a differing opinion, but the comment of “…I cried harder than an African woman who just watched her entire family get carpet bombed in a tribe war…” is there to make the reader offended and shocked…hence the purpose of shock value.
 
 
5. Stringing Along
This can be easy or hard depending on your trolling skills. If your bait is good enough, then you will have your target(s) on the line and you can just start reeling them in. With everything learned up until this point, you will want to continue doing it. Don’t start going overboard with insults or claims. You can make or break a great deal of effort here. The last thing you want to do is ruin what you have going.

If done right, you can have this go on for hours, days, weeks, or even months. A good example of keeping a fish on the line is here in two of my entries: Running the Poodle Parade and Psycho at MySpace. The Psycho at MySpace is a great example of being able to keep someone talking and coming back while you’re making outrageous claims against them.

What generally will happen is your target(s) will try their hardest to put you in your place, while trying to make themselves look better, and they just won’t let it go. Ideally you will sucker in someone else to join in the conversation because you and your target(s) are going at it for so long. They will feel the need to throw their hat into the ring, not realizing they are getting trolled along with your original target(s). Good job if you do this! It is most effective in a forum or chatline.
 
 
Types of Trolls

Now that you have a small understanding of the basics, it’s time to decide what kind of troll you want to be. Even though there are a few choices, most troll types are sub-species, and so I won’t list them here.
 
 
1. Sock Puppet
This type of troll creates doubt and arguments within the community at large. They enter into a conversation with a seemingly genuine interest in the subject matter while also criticizing the other people’s views. Xanga liberals and atheists are prime examples of this. They typically post up a bunch of brainwashed, inane bullshit in order to get their “enemies” to be upset. An example of how to start this type of trolling is the following:

I really like Singer X, but do you think s/he is strong with Song Types Y?

 
 
2. Newbie Sneaks
A type of troll who pretends to be new to either the subject matter or the workings of a site/game. The goal is to act as innocent as possible while creating a very hostile environment for everyone helping, thus getting others to start flinging insults. When this happens, the troll then starts pointing out how mean the target(s) is/are while keeping up the charade of the victim.
 
 
3. Flame Baiters
What everyone generally thinks of when the word troll is spoken. The troll does everything to get other people riled up and flinging insults at, not only the troll, but eventually each other as well. The discussion will eventually dive into a full fledged flame war, which is only put to an end when a moderator or administrator steps in and either bans users, or locks the topic.
 
 
4. Colluding Trolls
How to explain…basically a troll with no personal vendetta or target(s) and simply trolls because another troll is…well…trolling. Think of these trolls as something akin to ronin, or master less samurai. Even though that is an insult to ronin everywhere, it’s pretty much the same. The troll is out to cause problems, sees another troll causing problems, and joins in to help.

The colluding troll can either be doing so in order to take over the roll of main troll or can even try to make it seem like more people think the way the initial troll does. Said troll can eventually bring in so many other trolls entire communities, blogs, or servers can be shut down because of it. Colluding trolls aren’t talentless, just aimless.
 
 
Think Before You Troll!

I probably should have post this part earlier, but what do I care? I couldn’t care less about you people. You aren’t as good as I am, so don’t try to copy me.

With that said, you really should think before you troll. Don’t be a dumb ass about it. The last thing you want to do is have all your personal information and private life out there for people to pick apart. Granted, most of the time when people do such, they’re just being idiots grasping at straws, but do you really want to deal with it?

A great example of listing the personal information and private life of a troll in a good way was done by ItIsAllGravy on his entry listed here: Think Before You Troll. Without giving away too much of the entry, ItIsAllGravy basically throws it all out about the troll Explosive. Go read the entry, it’s great.

Explosive is a prime example of a failure as a troll. She has too much information about herself out there, doesn’t know how to be subtle, and just goes after the wrong people. Good job, dipshit, you made it on my entry as a bad example. At least you aren’t a complete waste. Oh, and ItIsAllGravy, keep it up, man!

Get On Out There!

Great! You have a basic understanding of how to troll and you have a list of trolling types. What are you waiting for?

————-
Posted 5/2/2011 at 2:53 AM on Xanga

Driving tips for one day a week drivers


Until I moved to Colorado, I believed the term “Sunday Driver” was just something one used in order to refer to a moronic driver without swearing in front of your children so you actually seem to give a damn about them.  Well, as it turns out, outside of California there really are a bunch of you idiots out there driving only one day a week and still think that you have reasonable driving skills to be on the road.  The fact is, you don’t.

Don’t worry, though.  I’m going to help change all of that.  Yes, with Professor Sunrie’s Patent Pending Driving Tips, you’re going to learn more in a few minutes of reading than you will driving for fifteen years.  Not only am I going to cover how not to be a complete shit head when behind the wheel, but I’m going to make sure you understand what a huge shit head you are for driving the way you currently do!  It’s so simple, that a 16 year old girl with a learner’s permit, who already drives better than you do, will be an expert driver in no time.
 
 
1. The Gas Pedal
I was going to start this off with “A Green Light Means Go”, but for the sheer fact that most of you don’t even remember where the gas pedal is I can’t help but start if off with this.  I’m sure there are people out there that claim they realize this, as it has always been the pedal furthest to the right, even in right side drive cars, it seems you have actually forgotten which pedal makes the car accelerate.

While someone who might actually care about you might stare at you lovingly across the middle console and give you big, twinkling, puppy-dog eyes while stating, “Oh, sweetie, it’s alright.  We all make mistakes, after all.  Your foot must of slipped.  Go ahead and accelerate through the light!”, I will not.  I am not going to sugar coat any of this for you dumb asses.  They may be worried about hurting your feelings, but I am completely unattached and don’t give a damn about you.  Unless you plow into my car, that is.

Let me not forget to mention that over time, even those who claim to care about your worthless existence are going to turn on you soon, too.  Rest assured that soft talk will quickly turn into, “What are you doing?!  The god damn gas pedal is the same fucking place since the invention of the automobile: ON THE RIGHT!  NOW GO!”

To make your vehicle accelerate, you vary pressure on the gas pedal.  Again, it’s the pedal to the furthest right.  You do know which direction is right…right?  Hold up your right hand.  Yep, that direction (This, too, will discussed later).  The more you press down on the gas pedal, the faster the car will accelerate.  If you continue to press down on the gas pedal, your car will continue to accelerate at a constant or more rapid pace as it gains speed.  This is extremely important when you need to continue through a green light, get on the freeway, keep up with traffic, or simply reach the speed limit (All these, too, will be discussed later).  When you take your foot off the gas pedal, your speed will continue to decrease and should you press on the brake pedal, which you seem to be completely familiar with, you can come to a full and complete stop.

Once you have grasped the full understanding of the function of the gas pedal versus the brake pedal, you can continue on.  Please do not continue on until your do understand, or you will be confused and very lost as we explore the other concepts of driving.
 
 
2. A Green Light Means Go
The most important color of all the lights in a traffic control device is Green.  When the light is anything except for Red, it means you can proceed in the chosen direction.  When you see the light as being Green, then you must either continue to press the gas pedal to proceed in your chosen direction, ease your pressure on the gas pedal to make your turn, or press on the gas pedal to accelerate from a stop.

Sometimes the light is “funny” and is a Yellow color.  Don’t worry!  Yellow is only an indication that the light will soon change to Red and serves as a warning only.  If you are about to enter into the intersection or make a turn when the light is Green and it turns to Yellow, do not press on the brake pedal in an attempt to stop!  This will cause a traffic collision.  Simply continue to proceed through your chosen direction of travel.

Other times when a Green light can seem “funny” is when it is an arrow instead of a solid circle.  Don’t panic at all, please.  This simply means you can turn in the direction of the arrow when the light is Green without having to worry about other vehicles coming at you full force.  Just be sure you’re checking to make sure the arrows are Green, because they function the same way as a regular traffic control device with three colored circles: Red on top, Yellow in the middle, and Green on the bottom.

Should you find yourself stopped when the light is Red, the moment the light turns Green, you must immediately accelerate in your chosen direction.  The Green light is not a warning or a suggestion like the Yellow light.  A Green light means you are to proceed immediately.  You are not to sit and ponder the meaning of the light or be distracted by the vast empty thoughts of your hollowed head.  Green will always, always, always, always mean you must go.  Red always means stop.  Yellow always means Red is coming and serves as a warning.  Again, Green always means go.
 
 
3. Lane Positioning
On the road there are sections marked by different colored lines.  Usually, these are white.  These white lines indicate “Lanes”.  You must drive your vehicle within the confines of these Lanes unless merging (This will be discussed later).  You may use the entire lane you have chosen to drive in, but you must not move into the adjacent lanes when attempting to drive in a straight path.

By not driving in your own lane, you are being greedy.  Mostly, though, you are being a huge ass munch who shouldn’t be on the road.  There are ways of making sure people are not going to keep passing you (This will be discussed later), but this isn’t one of them.

Your lane position is almost as important as accelerating at a green light.  By keeping inside the lines of your lane, you ensure you will not strike another vehicle to your side with your vehicle.  This also allows motorcycles to “lane split” when it is safe and legal to do so.  Motorcycles are like cars, only they only have two wheels, are much quicker to accelerate, are louder, use less gas and therefore better for the environment, and take up less space.  Trust me, you’ll encounter them, so be on the look out for them (This will be discussed later).

Another very important reason to keep within the confines of your lane is you don’t want to get pulled over by law enforcement.  This is going to add time to your trip you didn’t count on and cost you extra money.  With the shitty way you drive, you’re attracting enough attention already, so stay inside those god damn lines!
 
 
4. Using your Indicator/Turn Signal
I have to list this here instead of “Lane Changes and Merging on the Freeway/Expressway” because, like the Gas Pedal, you idiots don’t know how to use your Indicator/Turn Signal.  Also, from here on out, “Indicator” will be used to represent the term “Turn Signal” as well.  In other words, it’s the same god damn thing, okay?

Your Indicator is what you use in order to indicate (what a concept!) what your intended change in direction is going to be.  This enables other drivers to anticipate your next move and act accordingly.

If you’re Asian, then you’re probably extremely confused as to what I’m talking about right now.  Sure you’re smart with the numbers and making cell phones smaller, but for some reason you can’t comprehend the concept of the Indicator.  It’s usually located on the left side of the steering wheel and is operated via a lever.  Push the lever up and you signal that you want to move to the right.  Pull the lever down and you signal that you want to move left.

One way of figuring out when the appropriate time to use your Indicator is the following:
1. You wish to merge to the left/right lane
2. You wish to make a left/right turn

If you wish to do any of the previous listed actions, then you must use your Indicator.  When should you activate your Indicator when wishing to enact those actions?  A general rule is if you are going 40MPH/64.36KPH (← for you metric fucks) or slower then you should activate your Indicator at least 100 feet prior to your chosen action.  If you are going  If you are going 41MPH/65.6KPH or faster, then you should activate your Indicator at least 200 feet prior to your chosen action.
 
 
5. Paying Attention
Yep, you need to learn how to be aware of your surroundings.  There are many things that you need to be aware of:
1. Your Speed in Relation to the Speed Limit
2. Your Lane Positioning
3. Lane Positioning of Other Drivers
4. What Direction You Wish to Travel
5. Your Location in Relation to Where You’re Going
6. Motorcycles

The first thing you’re going to learn here is how to pay attention to the speed limit.  You finally have a firm understanding of the Gas Pedal, and if you don’t then you need to go back and keep reading that section, so understanding the speed limit should be much easier now.  Though, I do tend to give you morons too much credit…

Speed limit signs tend to be white with black lettering.  Speed limits are not suggestions.  Speed limits are the law.  If the speed limit is 65MPH/104KPH, then you must travel at least 65MPH/104KPH!  You are not to drive 55MPH/88KPH in order to stay within the law.  As a matter of fact, if you do drive slower than the speed limit, you are actually breaking another law, and said law is “Impeding the Flow of Traffic”.  So, just go the speed limit.

How do you know if you’re doing the speed limit?  Well, when you look down at your dashboard and behind your steering wheel, there is a cluster of gauges.  This tells you if you need gas, how fast you are traveling, and many other important pieces of information.  This is usually the absolute easiest way to tell if you are going the speed limit.  If the sign says 65MPH/104KPH and the gauge with numbers in marks of ten has a needle pointing at 65MPH/104KPH, then you’re going the speed limit: Congratulations!  If it is anything lower, then speed up.  If it is five miles an hour faster, then you are still okay, and said speed is actually the preferred pace of travel you should aim for.  However, five miles an hour slower is never to be allowed.  The other way of figuring out if you are going the speed limit is to check the pace of travel with the other cars.  If every other god damn fucking car is passing you constantly, then you need to speed the fuck up!  At no point should every vehicle on the highway be passing you!  If this is happening, then you are not going fast enough!  This is the best way to keep everyone from passing you.  Now you don’t have to straddle two lanes, you fucking mook!

In the same vain as making sure that you are following the speed limit, there is no day the law says you must travel at no faster than 25MPH/40KPH on the side streets and no faster than 45MPH/72KPH on the highway.  No, not even on Sunday does the speed limit drop lower than the posted sign limits.  The cops aren’t trying to trick you with the signs only to pull you over when you are following the speed limit instead of only doing 25MPH/40KPH.

If you aren’t used to driving, then the last thin you should be doing is talking on a cell phone, changing the radio, or drinking coffee.  Just wait until you can actually hold the steering wheel, drive, and think at the same time.

We’ve already discussed Lane Positioning, so I’m not going to put a lot of detail of that all in here.  Just make sure you’re in your own lane unless merging or changing lanes and always use your Indicator.  Always be aware of other people’s Lane Position as well, that way you won’t strike their vehicle with yours.

If you know that you need to travel in a straight line, then for god’s sake, travel in a straight line!  There is no reason to constantly switch lanes, especially when you’re going the speed limit.  If you know that you are going to need to turn right, get in to the furthest right lane as soon as possible!  One of the biggest mistakes you will make is when you are in the far left lane and need to make a right turn, and try to speed up to pass the other cars to get to the right turn…or vice versa.  Think about things for a moment…if you need to make a turn which is coming up quickly and you try to speed up in order to get in front of the car to your side, how easy will it be for you to get to that turn?  Yeah, not very, dumb shit.  Congratulations, you’ve just got one point in for reasoning.  Don’t get cocky, though, you’re still an idiot, which is why I’m trying to help you.  What you need to do is actually slow down in order to allow the other vehicle to get in front of you, then merge into the lane…of course while using your Indicator!

Knowing ahead of time which direction you wish to travel is incredibly important.  Road signs give a perfect explanation of what the roads are called so you can anticipate which direction you will need to go.

MOTORCYCLES….
I explained what a motorcycle is, so here’s a picture.  Also depicted is a rather typical motorcycle rider.  Why is this important?  Because he will drag you out of your car, beat you, make you impale yourself with your own head and then give you a “shit on the chest bonus”, followed by lighting your car on fire, raping your cat, skinning your dog, and then chopping the rest of your family into little pieces which he will feed to your grandmother as a stew.  Don’t fuck with the motorcycle driver.  Watch out for motorcycles.

There’s a really good reason motorcycles have loud pipes: You’re a fucking twat who can barely tell when there is another car present, so the loud noise serves as a warning to even your retarded self.  Motorcycles also travel with their head lamps on all the time and most of them flicker a little just to add more attention so you know they are there.  Remember, motorcycles are more fuel efficient and take up less space than your vehicle, and so are better for the environment meaning you should show as much respect to them as possible…and there’s always the fact the rider will probably kill you if you fuck with them.  Motorcyclists also tend to be more proud of this country than you are and do more to show their pride.  I’m getting a little side tracked with this, so we’ll move on.
 
 
6. Lane Changes and Merging on the Freeway/Expressway
Now things are about to get a little more complicated, aren’t they?  Shut up.  That was a rhetorical question.  This has a direct connection with having to using your indicator and pay attention which is why those were listed before this.

Not only must you be aware of your own lane position, but the position of all the other vehicles as well.  I listed why in the previous section, so if you don’t understand it, then go back and read this all over again from the very top.

To change lanes, you must use several of your senses: Sight, Hearing…okay, only two.  There are some things you must do in order to actually change lanes.  First you must activate your Indicator.  Second, you must look in your rear view mirror.  Third, you must check the mirror on the side of the vehicle in which the lane you wish to change in to is on.  Finally, you must turn your head to the side in order to ensure there is no one you could not previously see in the mirrors.  After the correct amount of distance with your Indicator active (this was discussed earlier) and it is both safe and prudent to do so, then you can move your vehicle in to the desired lane.

Sure it seems like there are a lot of steps you must take in order to change lanes, but this will keep you safe and from being a huge fucking idiot on the road.  Changing lanes is important to get where you’re going, so the more skill you have at it, the faster, easier, and safer you will be at doing it.  If you can master changing lanes, then you can begin to effectively merge onto the freeways/expressways.  Merging onto the freeway/expressway is a little more difficult, as there is an added rule you must learn, but don’t freak out too much.  You’re here to learn after all.

Absolutely the most important thing to remember when merging onto the freeway/expressway is this:
If you ain’t on the freeway/expressway, you ain’t shit!

People on the freeway/expressway have the right away and it is your responsibility to get on safely.  They do not have to do shit for you.  The drivers on the freeway/expressway do not have to merge over into an adjacent lane to allow you safe passage.  They drivers on the freeway/expressway do not have to slam on their brakes in order to allow you to merge onto the freeway/expressway.

You must not only do everything listed when changing lanes and where the gas pedal is located, but you must also adjust your speed in order to be fast enough to be on the freeway/expressway, and also time your entry so that you can actually get onto the freeway/expressway in a manner which does not put those already doing the speed limit or faster at risk.  If someone is being kind enough to slow down for you, then get the fuck up to speed as quickly as possible.  This ties back in to following the speed limit.  See how everything is connected?

The freeway/expressway is not for the faint of heart.  If you have a problem with speeds above 45MPH/72KPH then stay off the freeways/expressways.  Most freeways/expressways are set to have a speed at minimum of 55MPH/88KPH and many have speeds up to 80MPH/128KPH.  If you aren’t doing at least those speeds while you are on it, then get off.  You must be both a defensive and offensive driver on the freeway/expressway, so if you think that it’s nothing but a bunch of “Thunder Dome mental psychos”, then just stay the fuck off of it, okay?
 
 
7. Knowing Left and Right…
You’re probably thinking that I’m being faseshious, but really, so many of you people don’t know how to turn left or right.  Regardless of where you are facing, regardless of the direction in which you are traveling is, left is always left, right is always right.  You don’t need to know if you are fucking turning North, East, South, or West.  Just turn to the god damn, mother fucking left or right.

If you are told to exit the freeway/expressway at Church Street and turn left, does it really matter if that is fucking South or West or what-the-fuck-ever?  No!  It means turn fucking left!  For some reason every child, except for the one with the football helmet and water wings, in kindergarten can tell you which is left and right, but the moment you jack-offs get a driver’s license, you can’t navigate with Left and Right as directions.

If you are facing North and raise your left hand, then that is left, but if you are facing South and raise your left hand…then that is still left.  Same goes for Right.  Nothing in the history of man has changed the direction of Left and Right, not even the invention of the automobile.  If someone gives you directions and tells you to turn left or right, just raise your left or right hand and you’ll know which direction to go.  It’s not a complicated concept.  Hell, it’s the easiest of everything on here for god’s sake.
 
 
You’ve Finished!
Well, congratulations!  You’ve made it through the basics section!  You may not be a great driver, but at least now you know and understand the basic principles of driving.  Practice makes perfect.  I know it is scary out there in the world away from your couch, but you obviously have to drive places every so often or feel the need to drive some place at least one day a week.  The more you drive, the better you will be.  The better you are, the more you will see what a fucking retard you were before all the practice and reading this entry.  Now get out there and actually drive!

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Posted 2/11/2011 at 5:16 PM on Xanga