Horrors on the Internet

Let’s face it…there are some creepy things out there on the Internet, and not all of them creepy in that strange, fun way. No, I’m talking about the kind of creepy that makes you go, “What are they doing that for?” or even the all common, “What the hell?!”

For some people, it’s their job to make creepy things, but they do it in purpose. For other people, they are creepy and don’t understand how or why. This brings me to my current write up.

There’s a lady who will take your kids, do a horrible Photoshop job on it, and turn them into grotesque plastic representations of their true selves. Yes, for too much money, you can have your ugly, fat, troll baby turned into a plastic, stiff, ugly, fat, troll baby in a picture. Let’s take a look at some of the examples here…

To the right you can easily see a horribly washed out photo of a child as she tries to be as happy as possible after being forced to dress up for the camera. As if this wasn’t torture enough for everyone involved, Mommy and Daddy have decided they want their child to be turned into a “perfect picture”. The result?

This horrible abomination to the left. See, Mommy and Daddy obviously aren’t happy just to have a picture of their little girl. Oh, no, they must have all the imperfections of their little girl smashed out of the picture with a clone tool. Now they have someone and something to be really proud of when they show off their child. Too bad their child now looks like she’s had wax melted across her face and had it reshaped how they think it should be. They even touched up the hair to make it seem more perfect.

You sick fucks for parents! There’s more torture of this poor girl. I’m thinking this wasn’t Mom’s idea, either.

Okay, seriously, what the hell? It wasn’t bad enough to make her look like hell in the previous pictures…you had to do this? Who the hell, in their right mind, has their child dress up like this, and then edited to look even more grown-up and plastic?

Really, the photo should be this:

Jordenn2 Editl-Right SideAmber alert, fifteen minutes.

Now, some of you might be thinking it’s not really all that bad. First off, you’re sick in the head for thinking so, and second off, I’m just getting started here.

Smashed Faced Lauren It’s not just little kids, it’s older kids. Here’s what must be a girl who was run over by a truck and had her face smashed flat! Seriously, it cannot be just me who thinks she looks like she’s a Hannah-Barbarra character and just got bashed in the face with a frying pan. What the hell is up with her eyes, too?

It’s like someone said, “Hey, I’ve got this daughter who just isn’t quite up to par…so what I want you to do is stretch the few good patches of skin all over her face. Oh, and she has this wicked lazy eye and I want you to pull that into place using a photo editing program. No, I don’t care how much it costs…and do the same thing with the rose I want her to pose with. Make it look like everything in the picture is that way, so it makes her look, you know, natural!”

Ashlyn WhoreWhat do you do when your daughter is already a little guido princess bitch? You let Alycia Collins make her look like a little guido princess whore! Yes, that’s right, you too can have your daughter edited to look like the slut you knew in high school. This gives everyone a great “heads up” as to your knowledge of her future extra-curricular activities as she enter puberty.

Jar-Jar JessicaHave a child with down syndrome and you’re ashamed? Well, don’t worry, because Supreme Pageant Photos has you covered there, too. You can have your child’s face smashed, smooshed, and morphed to look as normal as possible. Of course…this “normal” looks a lot like this:


Vianne Collins - PumpkinFaceYou know…this kid just doesn’t look like a pumpkin quite enough yet! I know I’m not as good as this Alycia Collins (I mean, she has an AOL e-mail address for her professional business after all), but I’m going to try my hand at it.

Well, look at that! The kid’s all ready for Halloween! I guess I’m better at this than I originally thought, huh?!

Horror Child Holy crap… Yes, this is the edited image! Like this kid isn’t horrifying enough! I mean…I can be cruel, but what could I possibly say that would make the parents of this little afterbirth feel worse??? Yeah, I can’t think of anything either!

Posted 10/3/2008 at 5:47 PM on Xanga