Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts in 2018

It’s Christmas time once again! Snow is falling. Children are trying their best to be good. Parents are doing their best to beat people to the “must have toy” of the year. And once again W.A.T.C.H. has put out their Christmas list for the most dangerous toys of 2018…but they missed the most obvious ones. Why? Because they’re more concerned with what is going to make the most money and being a hater than actually caring about the children. Why won’t anyone else besides me think of the children!?

If you find any of these under your tree, instantly call child services on Santa.


1. Omega Spay and Neuter Kit: For Science!
This toy comes with multiple clamps, scissors and scalpels. Included are full color detailed instructions on how to spay and neuter multiple kinds of animals. Everything anyone could ever want in order to start performing surgery is included thanks to the “bonus tools” supplied. This is made by the company, Omega, who is responsible for the Planned Parenthood toy line, which includes the “Home Abortion Kit” and “Margaret Sanger with baby karate chopping action”.

I mean, seriously? W.A.T.C.H. puts out a buyer beware over a plastic knife and magnetic fruit, but doesn’t even care about this? Sure the toy line might not be all that popular, given that Planned Parenthood is about killing babies before they can be old enough to play with the toys, but the fact this comes with real metal tools is just a little more than concerning. I can’t even imagine what’s going to happen when the little ones run out of neighborhood pets to have “fun” on. Once they realize the tools work on any and all creatures, there’s sure to be a rash of surprise vasectomy and tubal ligation come New Year’s Day! Nice over look there, W.A.T.C.H!


2. Ariel’s Expression Exercise Pole
“When Ariel lost her voice, she had to find a way to get the Prince to kiss her…and she found a way to do so while earning her keep!” reads the back of the package. This is a regulation sized “exercise pole” and comes with techno remixes of Under The Sea, Kiss the Girl, and Poor Unfortunate Souls, along with eight stacks of hundred dollar bills in order to “make it rain up in here”.

I’m all for women expressing themselves be it in the kitchen or in the bedroom, but this is not an exercise pole. Let’s call it what it is, a dangerous metal rod capable of blunt force trauma and serious fall injuries! There is ZERO safety equipment to keep the little ones from falling as their sliding up and down or spinning around this pole. Adults have the developed muscles in order to make this safer, and sexier, but children do not. This whole thing is a law suit waiting to happen. Let’s hear it for another Disney fuck up.


3. Plasma Blaster 2700
According to the box: You’ll be the talk of the town with your authentic plasma blaster! This bad boy produces enough power to drop any future threat thanks to producing a balmy 57,762,237.76 degrees Kelvin plasma charge. The founding fathers didn’t fight to give you the right to own just muskets and for hunting! Rated ages 5 and up. Brought to you by your friends at the The Oneiroi Collective.

I’m all for having cool weapons, but are five year olds really responsible enough to handle something which produces energy around five tons of TNT? While I’m impressed they were able to get the energy to produce this weapon in such a small device, I just don’t feel that melting your target is great for the environment. Not to mention the replacement cartridges are extremely expensive, and are quite heavy. This should be a pass. Instead, think about getting a laser pointer for the kid and tell them to make “Pew Pew!” noises.


4. Bunny Snapper
We’re supposed to believe this is actually a game for the entire family to enjoy while teaching you to be cautions. What I believe is this toy teaches is distrust of rabbits. Nothing good can come of this and the rabbit is not robust enough for very many plays. The value versus dollar amount here is just not high enough to recommend it.

Probably the worst part of this game is how rusty the trap is. While sharp, the jaws on the trap are also incredibly rusty. I can’t help but feel the manufacturer simply went into the woods and collected a bunch of abandoned traps or even went to an antique store to save money instead of making their own. Tetanus is a real threat and this game is going to lose what fun there is the moment anyone catches it.


5. Cat-apult Ultra 7
Let’s start off with the obvious, shall we? This isn’t a catapult…this is an RPG launcher. That alone is a red flag. I mean, if the manufacturer can’t even tell the difference between a catapult and what is essentially an RPG-7, but for cats, then how do they know safety? Spoiler alert: They don’t and can’t.

Almost everything about this stupid toy is wrong! Not only did they name it wrong, but the images shows the cat getting launched from what should be the back of the launcher! I know some concessions had to be made in order to cram a full grown cat into the thing, but this is an oversight that cannot be ignored. The trigger system is clumsy to use, resulting in firing the furry critters when and where you don’t intend to do so.

We test every toy we review, and let me tell you, I lost count how many cats I slammed into the outside testing fence instead of launching them over it because of the awkward design of this product. Also, anything smaller than a full grown cat isn’t very effecting and can result in injuries and damage to those around you, as well as the toy. Large squirrels work if they are smashed down far enough, as well as larger puppies, such as Labradors, but anything smaller, such as kittens, chihuahuas or even young pugs just don’t work right.


Well, there you have the actual most dangerous and dumb Christmas presents of 2018. I don’t understand how every other watch group out there keeps missing these or just flat out ignoring them. I actually care about people and toys which cause harm, so I will continue to bring these to you as needed. Merry Christmas!!!

Just Say Merry Christmas: It’s the only one left!

You've all been naughty!Seriously now.  It’s three days until Christmas Day, people.  It’s the only holiday left in this year.  Stop with this “politically correct” bullshit and say “Merry Christmas”, not “Happy Holidays” to people or don’t say a god damn thing at all.

You’re not in politics and talking to me isn’t a political situation.  Even if you were, you shouldn’t be afraid to state your personal beliefs! There is absolutely no reason why you need to tell me to have happy holidays after Thanksgiving.  I’m only going to be celebrating one other holiday after Thanksgiving.  It’s not like I’m going to be celebrating Hanukkah and then Christmas.  I’m also obviously not going to be celebrating the made up Kwanzaa.

Where you people are screwing up massively in this “Have a happy holiday!” bullshit is assuming that I’m even going to be celebrating Christmas.  By wishing me a “Happy Holiday”, meaning the upcoming Christmas, you’re assuming that’s what I’m going to be celebrating.  For all you know, I celebrated Hanukkah.  Not all Jewish sects wear yarmulke all the time, morons.  By wishing me a happy holiday, you’d still be offending me.  You may as well just say merry Christmas, or rather happy Christmas, at that point because you’re implying the same exact thing.

(I know this is a little slow on the start, but give me a few paragraphs.  It’s been some time since I last wrote)

What’s so scary about Christmas?  Oh, that’s right, most of you people are afraid of Christianity.  After all, Christianity, or rather the belief in the Bible as the word of God and a one true God, gives a road map of morals and ethics.  For shame that anyone ever tell you what to do or how to live.  After all, you’re a grown ass adult and not a child, right?  For those out there that are Christians (hell, you Catholics, too) who are not saying it at this point are afraid of being attacked or berated by people who are not Christians for expressing a “Christian belief”.  You sicken me and I’m sure Jesus isn’t too happy about it either.  Bet you’re tolerant of baby bombing Muslims, though.

See you TO HellIf Christmas is so terrible, then why are the malls closed on Christmas?  If Christmas is such a scary time, then why do people get paid for it with “holiday pay” even when they don’t work?  If Christmas is such a dirty word, then why do we see Christmas lights put up all over town, even by H.O.A.’s?  What’s so offensive about a baby Jew in a manager next to a horse, anyway?  Most other religious holidays don’t involve doing any of that.  Let’s not forget that Christmas isn’t really a Christian holiday as much as it is an American tradition.  Yes, you heard me, you rat bastards.  It’s not a Christian holiday here in America, it’s an American holiday.  Most of what we identify as Christmas decorations have nothing to do with Christianity.  I don’t remember reading that the magi hung up decorations, sang carols, and set up a pine tree in the fucking manger.  Don’t bother going to read the Bible to check.  Trust me, it’s not in there.

If you look at the history of Christmas, especially Christmas in America, you’ll see that most of what we do here in America is something that we Americans have made up.  I’m not saying that Christmas was always like that.  I know it wasn’t.  I’m talking about now.

Then there’s also the issue that even most of you anti-religion, anti-god, hate-the-Christians-but-hug-a-person-who-puts-bombs-on-a-baby-Muslim sickos still celebrate Christmas.  You still set up decorations, you still go out and buy a crap ton of presents for people, and still open those gifts up on December 25th.  Yeah, you people are the worst.  You people are the ones who want to relentlessly beat tolerance into everyone’s head, but the minute you don’t like something, you get to bitch and complain, go to court, and sue because a god damn pine tree has a star on it.  Fuck you five times with a moblin’s three dick crotch.  Don’t get the reference?  Too bad, ignorant bastard.  You probably think the Nazis were a right wing group, too.

Get down with Disco SantaLook, I love Christmas.  I even love Easter, though I don’t celebrate it.  That’s right, I celebrate Pass Over, but don’t try and side track me here.  Christmas time is the shit!  The only thing I like more than Christmas time is Halloween.  Ironic?  Only if you’re an uneducated bastard…like most of you getting offended at this entry and supporting the “What’s wrong with Happy Holidays???” crowd.  Carol of the Bells is probably one of the best Christmas songs out there, and when it’s done in a Victorian Gothic style choir, that’s even better.  Hell, I even blast the Trans Siberian Orchestra version of it when I get the time.

Don’t even get me started on the Charley Brown Christmas Special.  Awesome.  Almost as bad ass as the Muppets Christmas Carol.  Gonzo and Rizzo as narrators with Michael Cain as Scrooge?  EPIC!  The old Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer stop motion special and Frosty the Snowman cartoon?  That’s just classic.  Chopping down a tree, decorating it, and letting it slowly rot in your living room?  Well, that’s just the most manly thing you can do to a tree.  It’s like, “Hey, tree, I just killed you, dressed you up, and I’m going to watch you rot far away from home.  So, fuck you.”

Yes, I can hear some of you morons now, “Sunrie!  There’s still New Years!”  Guess what?  New Years isn’t an actual holiday and it’s the start of a new year.  Don’t you get that?  It’s the damn name of the celebration for crying out loud!  So, get off that, because if you bring it up I will make fun of you so damn much that you’ll go crying to WordPress or even the government about how mean I am.  No, you know what?  Let me just draft that up for you right now:


Dear WordPress Administration/Government,
This is about a user named Sunrie.  He expresses an opinion which greatly differs from mine and that offends me.  Like, greatly offends me.  It offends me so bad that I cried harder than an African woman who just watched her entire family get carpet bombed in a tribe war.

Can you please delete his account/arrest him?  I believe that we should all have the right to say and feel the way that I think is the right way, and if you don’t then you should be removed.  Thank you, I greatly appreciate it.

Sincerely,
(Put your Username)

P.S. If you don’t do this, then I will write an entry about how you guys don’t care about anyone.
Thanks!


Well, with all that said and done, I’m out of here.  I know I haven’t written in a while, but that’s because I’ve been moving, working on animation projects, and having great sex with my 18 year old girlfriend.  Yeah, that’s right.  You keep hating more because I’m 30 and banging a pretty 18 year old. Merry Christmas!  As a gift, here’s a pallet cleanser:


Foamy courtesy of Ill Will Press

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Posted 12/23/2010 at 1:32 PM on Xanga