Driving tips for one day a week drivers

Until I moved to Colorado, I believed the term “Sunday Driver” was just something one used in order to refer to a moronic driver without swearing in front of your children so you actually seem to give a damn about them.  Well, as it turns out, outside of California there really are a bunch of you idiots out there driving only one day a week and still think that you have reasonable driving skills to be on the road.  The fact is, you don’t.

Don’t worry, though.  I’m going to help change all of that.  Yes, with Professor Sunrie’s Patent Pending Driving Tips, you’re going to learn more in a few minutes of reading than you will driving for fifteen years.  Not only am I going to cover how not to be a complete shit head when behind the wheel, but I’m going to make sure you understand what a huge shit head you are for driving the way you currently do!  It’s so simple, that a 16 year old girl with a learner’s permit, who already drives better than you do, will be an expert driver in no time.
1. The Gas Pedal
I was going to start this off with “A Green Light Means Go”, but for the sheer fact that most of you don’t even remember where the gas pedal is I can’t help but start if off with this.  I’m sure there are people out there that claim they realize this, as it has always been the pedal furthest to the right, even in right side drive cars, it seems you have actually forgotten which pedal makes the car accelerate.

While someone who might actually care about you might stare at you lovingly across the middle console and give you big, twinkling, puppy-dog eyes while stating, “Oh, sweetie, it’s alright.  We all make mistakes, after all.  Your foot must of slipped.  Go ahead and accelerate through the light!”, I will not.  I am not going to sugar coat any of this for you dumb asses.  They may be worried about hurting your feelings, but I am completely unattached and don’t give a damn about you.  Unless you plow into my car, that is.

Let me not forget to mention that over time, even those who claim to care about your worthless existence are going to turn on you soon, too.  Rest assured that soft talk will quickly turn into, “What are you doing?!  The god damn gas pedal is the same fucking place since the invention of the automobile: ON THE RIGHT!  NOW GO!”

To make your vehicle accelerate, you vary pressure on the gas pedal.  Again, it’s the pedal to the furthest right.  You do know which direction is right…right?  Hold up your right hand.  Yep, that direction (This, too, will discussed later).  The more you press down on the gas pedal, the faster the car will accelerate.  If you continue to press down on the gas pedal, your car will continue to accelerate at a constant or more rapid pace as it gains speed.  This is extremely important when you need to continue through a green light, get on the freeway, keep up with traffic, or simply reach the speed limit (All these, too, will be discussed later).  When you take your foot off the gas pedal, your speed will continue to decrease and should you press on the brake pedal, which you seem to be completely familiar with, you can come to a full and complete stop.

Once you have grasped the full understanding of the function of the gas pedal versus the brake pedal, you can continue on.  Please do not continue on until your do understand, or you will be confused and very lost as we explore the other concepts of driving.
2. A Green Light Means Go
The most important color of all the lights in a traffic control device is Green.  When the light is anything except for Red, it means you can proceed in the chosen direction.  When you see the light as being Green, then you must either continue to press the gas pedal to proceed in your chosen direction, ease your pressure on the gas pedal to make your turn, or press on the gas pedal to accelerate from a stop.

Sometimes the light is “funny” and is a Yellow color.  Don’t worry!  Yellow is only an indication that the light will soon change to Red and serves as a warning only.  If you are about to enter into the intersection or make a turn when the light is Green and it turns to Yellow, do not press on the brake pedal in an attempt to stop!  This will cause a traffic collision.  Simply continue to proceed through your chosen direction of travel.

Other times when a Green light can seem “funny” is when it is an arrow instead of a solid circle.  Don’t panic at all, please.  This simply means you can turn in the direction of the arrow when the light is Green without having to worry about other vehicles coming at you full force.  Just be sure you’re checking to make sure the arrows are Green, because they function the same way as a regular traffic control device with three colored circles: Red on top, Yellow in the middle, and Green on the bottom.

Should you find yourself stopped when the light is Red, the moment the light turns Green, you must immediately accelerate in your chosen direction.  The Green light is not a warning or a suggestion like the Yellow light.  A Green light means you are to proceed immediately.  You are not to sit and ponder the meaning of the light or be distracted by the vast empty thoughts of your hollowed head.  Green will always, always, always, always mean you must go.  Red always means stop.  Yellow always means Red is coming and serves as a warning.  Again, Green always means go.
3. Lane Positioning
On the road there are sections marked by different colored lines.  Usually, these are white.  These white lines indicate “Lanes”.  You must drive your vehicle within the confines of these Lanes unless merging (This will be discussed later).  You may use the entire lane you have chosen to drive in, but you must not move into the adjacent lanes when attempting to drive in a straight path.

By not driving in your own lane, you are being greedy.  Mostly, though, you are being a huge ass munch who shouldn’t be on the road.  There are ways of making sure people are not going to keep passing you (This will be discussed later), but this isn’t one of them.

Your lane position is almost as important as accelerating at a green light.  By keeping inside the lines of your lane, you ensure you will not strike another vehicle to your side with your vehicle.  This also allows motorcycles to “lane split” when it is safe and legal to do so.  Motorcycles are like cars, only they only have two wheels, are much quicker to accelerate, are louder, use less gas and therefore better for the environment, and take up less space.  Trust me, you’ll encounter them, so be on the look out for them (This will be discussed later).

Another very important reason to keep within the confines of your lane is you don’t want to get pulled over by law enforcement.  This is going to add time to your trip you didn’t count on and cost you extra money.  With the shitty way you drive, you’re attracting enough attention already, so stay inside those god damn lines!
4. Using your Indicator/Turn Signal
I have to list this here instead of “Lane Changes and Merging on the Freeway/Expressway” because, like the Gas Pedal, you idiots don’t know how to use your Indicator/Turn Signal.  Also, from here on out, “Indicator” will be used to represent the term “Turn Signal” as well.  In other words, it’s the same god damn thing, okay?

Your Indicator is what you use in order to indicate (what a concept!) what your intended change in direction is going to be.  This enables other drivers to anticipate your next move and act accordingly.

If you’re Asian, then you’re probably extremely confused as to what I’m talking about right now.  Sure you’re smart with the numbers and making cell phones smaller, but for some reason you can’t comprehend the concept of the Indicator.  It’s usually located on the left side of the steering wheel and is operated via a lever.  Push the lever up and you signal that you want to move to the right.  Pull the lever down and you signal that you want to move left.

One way of figuring out when the appropriate time to use your Indicator is the following:
1. You wish to merge to the left/right lane
2. You wish to make a left/right turn

If you wish to do any of the previous listed actions, then you must use your Indicator.  When should you activate your Indicator when wishing to enact those actions?  A general rule is if you are going 40MPH/64.36KPH (← for you metric fucks) or slower then you should activate your Indicator at least 100 feet prior to your chosen action.  If you are going  If you are going 41MPH/65.6KPH or faster, then you should activate your Indicator at least 200 feet prior to your chosen action.
5. Paying Attention
Yep, you need to learn how to be aware of your surroundings.  There are many things that you need to be aware of:
1. Your Speed in Relation to the Speed Limit
2. Your Lane Positioning
3. Lane Positioning of Other Drivers
4. What Direction You Wish to Travel
5. Your Location in Relation to Where You’re Going
6. Motorcycles

The first thing you’re going to learn here is how to pay attention to the speed limit.  You finally have a firm understanding of the Gas Pedal, and if you don’t then you need to go back and keep reading that section, so understanding the speed limit should be much easier now.  Though, I do tend to give you morons too much credit…

Speed limit signs tend to be white with black lettering.  Speed limits are not suggestions.  Speed limits are the law.  If the speed limit is 65MPH/104KPH, then you must travel at least 65MPH/104KPH!  You are not to drive 55MPH/88KPH in order to stay within the law.  As a matter of fact, if you do drive slower than the speed limit, you are actually breaking another law, and said law is “Impeding the Flow of Traffic”.  So, just go the speed limit.

How do you know if you’re doing the speed limit?  Well, when you look down at your dashboard and behind your steering wheel, there is a cluster of gauges.  This tells you if you need gas, how fast you are traveling, and many other important pieces of information.  This is usually the absolute easiest way to tell if you are going the speed limit.  If the sign says 65MPH/104KPH and the gauge with numbers in marks of ten has a needle pointing at 65MPH/104KPH, then you’re going the speed limit: Congratulations!  If it is anything lower, then speed up.  If it is five miles an hour faster, then you are still okay, and said speed is actually the preferred pace of travel you should aim for.  However, five miles an hour slower is never to be allowed.  The other way of figuring out if you are going the speed limit is to check the pace of travel with the other cars.  If every other god damn fucking car is passing you constantly, then you need to speed the fuck up!  At no point should every vehicle on the highway be passing you!  If this is happening, then you are not going fast enough!  This is the best way to keep everyone from passing you.  Now you don’t have to straddle two lanes, you fucking mook!

In the same vain as making sure that you are following the speed limit, there is no day the law says you must travel at no faster than 25MPH/40KPH on the side streets and no faster than 45MPH/72KPH on the highway.  No, not even on Sunday does the speed limit drop lower than the posted sign limits.  The cops aren’t trying to trick you with the signs only to pull you over when you are following the speed limit instead of only doing 25MPH/40KPH.

If you aren’t used to driving, then the last thin you should be doing is talking on a cell phone, changing the radio, or drinking coffee.  Just wait until you can actually hold the steering wheel, drive, and think at the same time.

We’ve already discussed Lane Positioning, so I’m not going to put a lot of detail of that all in here.  Just make sure you’re in your own lane unless merging or changing lanes and always use your Indicator.  Always be aware of other people’s Lane Position as well, that way you won’t strike their vehicle with yours.

If you know that you need to travel in a straight line, then for god’s sake, travel in a straight line!  There is no reason to constantly switch lanes, especially when you’re going the speed limit.  If you know that you are going to need to turn right, get in to the furthest right lane as soon as possible!  One of the biggest mistakes you will make is when you are in the far left lane and need to make a right turn, and try to speed up to pass the other cars to get to the right turn…or vice versa.  Think about things for a moment…if you need to make a turn which is coming up quickly and you try to speed up in order to get in front of the car to your side, how easy will it be for you to get to that turn?  Yeah, not very, dumb shit.  Congratulations, you’ve just got one point in for reasoning.  Don’t get cocky, though, you’re still an idiot, which is why I’m trying to help you.  What you need to do is actually slow down in order to allow the other vehicle to get in front of you, then merge into the lane…of course while using your Indicator!

Knowing ahead of time which direction you wish to travel is incredibly important.  Road signs give a perfect explanation of what the roads are called so you can anticipate which direction you will need to go.

I explained what a motorcycle is, so here’s a picture.  Also depicted is a rather typical motorcycle rider.  Why is this important?  Because he will drag you out of your car, beat you, make you impale yourself with your own head and then give you a “shit on the chest bonus”, followed by lighting your car on fire, raping your cat, skinning your dog, and then chopping the rest of your family into little pieces which he will feed to your grandmother as a stew.  Don’t fuck with the motorcycle driver.  Watch out for motorcycles.

There’s a really good reason motorcycles have loud pipes: You’re a fucking twat who can barely tell when there is another car present, so the loud noise serves as a warning to even your retarded self.  Motorcycles also travel with their head lamps on all the time and most of them flicker a little just to add more attention so you know they are there.  Remember, motorcycles are more fuel efficient and take up less space than your vehicle, and so are better for the environment meaning you should show as much respect to them as possible…and there’s always the fact the rider will probably kill you if you fuck with them.  Motorcyclists also tend to be more proud of this country than you are and do more to show their pride.  I’m getting a little side tracked with this, so we’ll move on.
6. Lane Changes and Merging on the Freeway/Expressway
Now things are about to get a little more complicated, aren’t they?  Shut up.  That was a rhetorical question.  This has a direct connection with having to using your indicator and pay attention which is why those were listed before this.

Not only must you be aware of your own lane position, but the position of all the other vehicles as well.  I listed why in the previous section, so if you don’t understand it, then go back and read this all over again from the very top.

To change lanes, you must use several of your senses: Sight, Hearing…okay, only two.  There are some things you must do in order to actually change lanes.  First you must activate your Indicator.  Second, you must look in your rear view mirror.  Third, you must check the mirror on the side of the vehicle in which the lane you wish to change in to is on.  Finally, you must turn your head to the side in order to ensure there is no one you could not previously see in the mirrors.  After the correct amount of distance with your Indicator active (this was discussed earlier) and it is both safe and prudent to do so, then you can move your vehicle in to the desired lane.

Sure it seems like there are a lot of steps you must take in order to change lanes, but this will keep you safe and from being a huge fucking idiot on the road.  Changing lanes is important to get where you’re going, so the more skill you have at it, the faster, easier, and safer you will be at doing it.  If you can master changing lanes, then you can begin to effectively merge onto the freeways/expressways.  Merging onto the freeway/expressway is a little more difficult, as there is an added rule you must learn, but don’t freak out too much.  You’re here to learn after all.

Absolutely the most important thing to remember when merging onto the freeway/expressway is this:
If you ain’t on the freeway/expressway, you ain’t shit!

People on the freeway/expressway have the right away and it is your responsibility to get on safely.  They do not have to do shit for you.  The drivers on the freeway/expressway do not have to merge over into an adjacent lane to allow you safe passage.  They drivers on the freeway/expressway do not have to slam on their brakes in order to allow you to merge onto the freeway/expressway.

You must not only do everything listed when changing lanes and where the gas pedal is located, but you must also adjust your speed in order to be fast enough to be on the freeway/expressway, and also time your entry so that you can actually get onto the freeway/expressway in a manner which does not put those already doing the speed limit or faster at risk.  If someone is being kind enough to slow down for you, then get the fuck up to speed as quickly as possible.  This ties back in to following the speed limit.  See how everything is connected?

The freeway/expressway is not for the faint of heart.  If you have a problem with speeds above 45MPH/72KPH then stay off the freeways/expressways.  Most freeways/expressways are set to have a speed at minimum of 55MPH/88KPH and many have speeds up to 80MPH/128KPH.  If you aren’t doing at least those speeds while you are on it, then get off.  You must be both a defensive and offensive driver on the freeway/expressway, so if you think that it’s nothing but a bunch of “Thunder Dome mental psychos”, then just stay the fuck off of it, okay?
7. Knowing Left and Right…
You’re probably thinking that I’m being faseshious, but really, so many of you people don’t know how to turn left or right.  Regardless of where you are facing, regardless of the direction in which you are traveling is, left is always left, right is always right.  You don’t need to know if you are fucking turning North, East, South, or West.  Just turn to the god damn, mother fucking left or right.

If you are told to exit the freeway/expressway at Church Street and turn left, does it really matter if that is fucking South or West or what-the-fuck-ever?  No!  It means turn fucking left!  For some reason every child, except for the one with the football helmet and water wings, in kindergarten can tell you which is left and right, but the moment you jack-offs get a driver’s license, you can’t navigate with Left and Right as directions.

If you are facing North and raise your left hand, then that is left, but if you are facing South and raise your left hand…then that is still left.  Same goes for Right.  Nothing in the history of man has changed the direction of Left and Right, not even the invention of the automobile.  If someone gives you directions and tells you to turn left or right, just raise your left or right hand and you’ll know which direction to go.  It’s not a complicated concept.  Hell, it’s the easiest of everything on here for god’s sake.
You’ve Finished!
Well, congratulations!  You’ve made it through the basics section!  You may not be a great driver, but at least now you know and understand the basic principles of driving.  Practice makes perfect.  I know it is scary out there in the world away from your couch, but you obviously have to drive places every so often or feel the need to drive some place at least one day a week.  The more you drive, the better you will be.  The better you are, the more you will see what a fucking retard you were before all the practice and reading this entry.  Now get out there and actually drive!

Posted 2/11/2011 at 5:16 PM on Xanga

The Warrior Mentality as it applies to Modern Warfare 2 (s)


Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2
Warrior Mentality FAQ v1.0

Last Update: 11/12/09

Author: Sunrie


Table of Contents

1. Introduction (~1~)
– Legal Information (~i~)

2. Warrior Strategies(~2~)
– Studying yourself (~ii~)
– Studying your enemy (~iii~)
– Identify, Adapt, Overcome (~iv~)

3. Warriors Try, Noobs Cry (~3~)
– Being the best (~v~)
– Sacraficing for the Better (~vi~)
– No Limits (~vii~)

4. Ending Notes

Hello and welcome to the Warrior Mentality FAQ. As you probably read up on top, my user name is Sunrie on GameFAQs.com and Steam. What prompted me to write such an FAQ? Well, the reason is to help people get in to a better frame of mind and get their head into the game. To be specific: Identify, Adapt, Overcome.

I am of the full belief that anything given to you as a tool in the game is of valid use as a tactic. As long as one isn’t hacking/glitching/cheating, the tactics used by one gamer is just as valid as the next.

You can find what you’re looking for by typing in the tag (i.e. (~1~) ) after each section in your “Find” (crtl+F) toolbar.

-(~i~)Legal Information
This may not be reproduced in any way, shape, or form except for private, personal use. This may not be placed on any website other than GameFaqs.com, Xanga.com/Sunrie/, Sunrie.Wordpress.com/, or MySpace.com/Blackhead.

Any other public display of this work is strictly prohibited and is a violation of the copyright.

(~2~)Warrior Mentality Basics
“The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge while an ordinary man takes everything either as a blessing or a curse.” – Carlos Casteneda, American author, 1925-1998

What does this mean? It means you will learn take the reasons why you lost and hold them to a better understanding as to why you won the last time. It’s easy to recognize why you won, but do you always understand why you lost? Was it because of some “noob” camping with a grenade launcher every time you came around the same corner killed you? Was it because of some “noob” going prone the moment you engaged him and riddling you with bullets?

(~ii~) Studying Yourself>
“Four elements make up the climate of war: danger, exertion, uncertainty and chance. Courage, above all things, is the first quality of a warrior.” – Carl von Clausewitz, On War

The first thing you need to do is study yourself. What makes you tick? What is your gaming style? Do you want to use the most difficult weapons to use effectively or do you want to use what is easy to mow down hundreds right away and stick with it? No matter what you choose, you’re going to have to understand your playing style better than anyone else.

Find out what your weaknesses are as quickly as possible and learn to overcome them. Obviously this involves you getting out there in the middle of the engagements and learning what you did wrong in contrast to what you are doing right. What you are doing right is always easy to spot.

-(~iii~)Study Your Enemy
“The only way you can understand the truth about killing an enemy in combat is by killing an enemy in combat.” – Miyamoto Musashi, The Book of Five Rings, 1643

Okay, you understand yourself and your own short comings, now it’s time to study your enemy. Again, this requires you to get out there in the middle of the battle and watch your adversaries.

If someone is using a tactic which seems to be highly effective against you, learn that tactic and use it against the enemy. With any luck, they won’t understand the draw backs of the tactic they are using and you won’t be punished by them for doing the same. In addition to picking up a new tactic to use against the enemy, you are going to learn more about the drawbacks in your position/strategy (more in the Identify, Adapt, Overcome section).

Recognize what enemies are using jumping to try and avoid fire as well as other tactics. When you come across the enemy again, you immediately know what their defensive strategy is. In Modern Warfare 2, it’s only 6v6, so you will run in to the same adversary multiple times, making it easy to memorize who is going to do what.

A hopping enemy is easily defeated by aiming at the high upper torso/throat of their avatar. This will cause them to jump into your bullets. An opponent who automatically goes prone to fire is not only limiting their mobility, but by aiming at their hip you force them to drop into your bullets for a quick headshot.

-(~iv~)Identify, Adapt, Overcome
“I’ll tell you in two words what the battle was: Murder and fear, murder and fear. I know I’ll never be the same person again. All the things that used to bother me are so small and silly. I know what life is worth, now that I’ve seen so much death.” – Israeli paratrooper, 1967

Now that you can better understand the short comings in your tactics and your enemy’s tactics, it’s time to use it against them. As stated before, a jumping and prone enemy are easy to defeat once you remember who is doing what. There is always a drawback in every strategy and the sooner you learn how to recognize it, the better you will become.

People like to complain about the use of the Grenade Launcher or a camping sniper. These people tend to not use counter tactics in order to achieve victory over their adversary.

For instance, an adversary using a grenade launcher cannot attack too closely or else risking a death. In addition, there are only two shots per grenade launcher in multiplayer. So, getting close to an adversary with a grenade launcher and forcing them to use their two shots unwisely puts you in a higher chance of victory. Rushing a grenade launcher user is not only highly effective, but it forces them to panic slightly, as this is not what most people do.

Imagine going through your local drive-thru. What do you normally do? You pull up to the box, someone asks to take your order, you place it, and pull up to the window where you pick it up. Now, what do you think your reaction would be if you pulled up to that box and instead of having your order taken, a blast of cold air and a stream of water hits you in the face. More than likely you’d sit shocked, not sure what to do.

This is a shock to the brain many people would experience. You wouldn’t be the first nor last person to experience this. What you need to do is fight through that sensation and simply react.

It is your duty in the game to identify your shortcomings, adapt a better strategy and overcome the obstacle. You are doing NO ONE any good by not figuring out a counter strategy to the sniper, the grenade spammer, the grenade launcher, or the riot shields. If you are ineffective in doing what you are continuing to do, then you need to figure out a new way of doing it. This often means switching out your class or going a different direction.

(~3~)Warriors Try, Noobs Cry
“Of every one hundred men in battle, ten should not even be there. Eighty, are nothing but targets. Nine are the real fighters, we are lucky to have them since they make the battle. Ah, but the one—one is the Warrior—and he brings the others home.” – Heracletus, 500 BC

There are many weapons and tools available to you for use in game. Everyone of them is legit and given to you for use. Just because you don’t want to use one or feel that it is counter productive to your method of style does not change that fact. By crying against the usage, you are showing how weak you actually are.

Do not limit yourself to some imaginary rules. Use EVERYTHING to your advantage. Just because something kills many people easily does not mean it is “stupid” or “pathetic”. A warrior uses everything to their advantage. There are no noobs in war. The noobs are the ones who want to hide in their own little shell of what they think is right and wrong.

Your job in this game is to beat the enemy. Your job is NOT to decide how each person accomplishes that mission using the tools available. If a well timed grenade launcher takes out an entire team, that person is effective. By prohibiting yourself to using such “noob tactics” repeatedly costs you victory, you are the noob.

Use what you can to beat the other team. If doing so means spamming grenades, then do it. If doing so means using two weapons with a grenade launcher, do it. If doing so means camping in one tight spot across the map and sniping everyone, then do it. Warriors try and noobs cry. Do not be a noob in war.

(~v~)Being the Best
“Casualties many. Percentage of dead not known. Combat efficiency: we are winning.” – Colonel David M. Shoup, USMC, Tarawa, November 21, 1943

Being the best is a mental state. You don’t have to know you’re going to score the highest, you don’t have to take down as many people as possible, and you don’t have to score the winning point. Being the best means that you have the idea in your mind that no matter what happens, you will be the top player.

You don’t have to brag, you don’t have to insult, you just have to believe. Braggarts are trying to reassure themselves they are the best, not actually provide further proof they scored the most. Allow yourself to play the best and be the best in your mind constantly. You may score the least, but if you know that you played 100%, then know you gave everything.

-(~vi~)Sacraficing for the Better
“Samson said, ‘Let me die with the Philistines!’ Then he pushed with all his might, and down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it. Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived.” – Judges 16:30

Don’t care about your K/D ratio! Often times it’s better to sacrifice in order to lead out a tough opposition rather than attempt to take it on yourself.

Many times I have had someone following me and I knew that another player was waiting. My strategy has always been to sacrifice then wait to respawn by luring the person out of hiding so that my teammate can take them out.

How does this help in TDM? It forces the person in question to respawn and find a new position, which can lead them to being killed repeatedly while attempting to do so.

No one except for you cares about your K/D ratio. What’s more important is your accuracy. Learn to take a chance by keeping a warrior mentality in order to give your team the advantage in the end.

-(~vii~)No Limits
“The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet, notwithstanding, go out to meet it.” – Thucydides

Allow yourself to use all the tools. Allow yourself to know the tactics. Allow yourself to play as fierce as if the game meant your life. You do not have to not have fun while doing it, just keep the mind set.

By not keeping yourself limited, you gain the flexibility to overcome your obstacles. While you are probably not going to be crowned the best person to ever play the game, that is not the objective. No, the objective is to play the best you can and assist your team to victory.

(~4~)Closing Notes
“They were frustrated by what they expected to do and could not do and horrified by what they were sure they would never do and then began to do. They grew to respect and even admire the enemy, but they went on killing him – and took satisfaction from it. They loved and longed for their families but grew to resent and to distrust and to want to punish many at home. They became more and more reliant on their comrades – and then watched them die. They yearned for the end of the war, never realizing that it would truly end for them only years later, when they surrendered the war they had fought to the war civilian society insisted they had fought.” – Gerald Linderman

Many of the things stated are not the most popular and I know that. I was not going in to this with the intention of being popular, I was going in to it to help people get in to the proper mind set. Tools are there to be used, so use them. If you want to limit yourself, then don’t complain when another doesn’t.

I wouldn’t try to build a bike with only a hammer and call someone who uses power tools of all kinds a “noob” since my way is more difficult.

Get out there and get winning, warriors!

Posted 5/21/2010 at 9:33 PM on Xanga

How to survive in Modern Warfare 2

Okay, there are a ton of guides out there on Xanga now ranging from how to survive a zombie apocalypse to surviving an economic downturn. Some of these a funny, most are not. Let’s face it, most of you can’t write and the few of you that can, I give comments and Xanga props to.

I’m sick and tired of a lot of things. Duh. However, I’m really sick of hearing people complain during gaming sessions on Modern Warfare 2. I’m going to teach you how to survive and win without being a moron. Oh, and this is more of a “serious” entry.

What makes me qualified to write this? Well, considering I have a 2.28/1 Kill/Death ratio and most of you have under 1/1, I’m better than you. Also, I generally score in the top three every match.
1. Use the Grenade Launcher
Use the damn thing! It gets lots of kills, it pisses people off, and it’s easy to use. Who’s more of a noob: the person using the worst gun in the game and getting 14/55 to be “pro” or the person using the grenade launcher and getting 22/8?

Yeah, that’s right, you pansy, you’re the noob for not using something which kills fast, efficiently, and easily. Use everything to your advantage. If that means grouping the grenade launcher with the Thumper, then do it. If you’re scoring extremely well using this set up, then keep doing it. You’re doing the team good.

“I iz up in ur face, grenading jo0!!!!”

For those of you complaining about the grenade launcher, think for a moment, will you?! There is a bit of quiet between reloads, which means you move then. There is also the fact that you should run TOWARDS the grenade launcher in order to get away from it. Most people will over shoot, either because of lag or they expect you to try to run backward.
2. Camp and Attack
Yes, camp out if it’s working for you.

Pros and cons of camping are as follows:
– Can net a lot of kills
– Great “GOTCHA!” moments
– You have a good vantage point
– Pisses people off

– People know where you are all the time…it’s like a permanent UAV
– Generally restricted movement if many people come after you
– You will become the target of everyone you keep killing
– Not a valid tactic on all maps, such as Rust

“Who wants to do some fishing next?”

If you’re camping and killing people, then you’re doing better than the person running around the map trying to be a hero who keeps feeding the enemy team. If you keep getting killed by a camper, then figure something else out! You’re an idiot if you keep doing the same thing, time after time, in order to “get back” at the camper.

Think of it…if every time you came around a corner I hit you in the face with a frying pan, would you keep coming around the same corner the same way? Well, I know most of you idiots would, but the point is still you should do something different.Best tips for camping is to get two or three kills in one spot and then move slightly. Don’t hang out like an dumb ass in one position the entire time. What will generally happen is one or more jack offs will come gunning for your ass, but you’ve already moved. You should have a clear view of where you used to be as well. What will generally happen is someone will jump around the corner, firing into an empty area, and you mow everyone down from a new spot. The moment you kill everyone, move immediately from your new spot! Now find a different area and let them survive a little longer, and pick them off one by one. This lets you camp the new spot for a while.

Why has I kept being ownzed???”

As far as taking out campers goes, you know where they are, so do something about it! No camping spot is perfect, you brainless twat. If you learn where the camping spots are, you can learn better ways to counter the campers.

For instance, on the map “Invasion”, one of the best camping spots is ~inside~ the Ranger building. From inside, you’re protected from air strikes and most grenades. The far end of the building has a small window opening and a couch, which adds to bullet protection. The Achilles’ heel to this area? There’s a back stairway most people don’t check, which provides access to the camper in that section and the long hallway which leads to the exposed sniper’s nest. Also, the camper needs to run back and forth between two windows in order to watch both flanks. It’s not too hard to watch for the person to leave the window, sneak up behind, and then knife them when they return, allowing you to kill anyone else up there undetected.

Also, the kill cam is ALWAYS active unless you’re playing on hardcore game modes, so it’s not like you couldn’t have known.

Now that you know, stop being a whining bitch about campers.

Red means enemy, retard 😉

*deep breath* Okay…*further exhale* You have a mini map which is ALWAYS present, so use the thing! Guess what? A red spot means an enemy is there! Don’t go rushing past an enemy marker and get shot in the back, damn it.

I’ve seen way too many people go in a group of three or more run past a red dot on the mini map, which is very obvious, and get mowed down by a single person from behind. You have to be a real fucking idiot to let this happen.The field of view on Modern Warfare 2 is limited to 60° so it’s extremely important to keep an eye on your mini map. If someone is firing in a spot, and you notice it on your mini map, go after them! Chances are they don’t know you’re there and you can get an easy kill.Silencers make the mini map less useful, but so don’t count on it. Just like the heartbeat sensor isn’t something you should completely depend on. What you should take away from this is, don’t just concentrate on what’s directly in front of you. Snipers are the worst about this. It’s very satisfying to sneak up on a camper watching who is watching directly in front of them or a sniper and knife them in the back of the head.
4. Three perks to choose from…three perks to rule them…and three perks to bring them all and in the ownage, bind them!
There are three perks you set up on your character, and not all of them are very useful. Here are some of the best combinations:

Assault Rifle/Shotgun Setup
– Scavenger (Pro)
– Stopping Power (Pro)
– Ninja (Pro)

This setup allows you to continuously replenish your ammo as you kill people. Even when you camp, this is important. There will be lulls in the fire fight allowing you to rush out, grab the ammo, and then hide again. This setup is even great for people who “Run’N’Gun”, because you will always have ammo. Also, you will get additional secondary equipment, such as flash grenades or throwing knives.

Really want to piss people off? Set yourself up with a grenade launcher and this perk list. You’ll always have a grenade ready to launch in the face of everyone you come across, getting lots of kills and a ton of people really, really mad.

Sniper Setup
– Sleight of Hand (Pro)
– Cold-Blooded (Pro)
– Sitrep (Pro) / Steady Aim (Pro)

Okay, why? It should be obvious, even to you deadpans. Sleight of Hand not only allows for faster reloading, but it also allows for faster aiming when you get the Pro version. You NEED THIS as a sniper! Even just the regular Sleight of Hand with faster reloading is important to a sniper. Reloading in this game takes forever, and when you’re a sniper, one of the most hated classes, you don’t want to be left reloading.

Cold-Blooded keeps enemy kill streaks from targeting your ass. When you’re sitting outside, hiding, you don’t want a chopper, a predator missile, harrier, or anything like that being able to target you. Without out it, you show up with a red square around your ass, basically screaming, “SHOOT ME IN THE FACE!!!”

Sitrep allows you to see tactical inserts, claymores, flash grenades, and any other secondary item, besides a throwing knife, as a bright red mark on your screen.

Stead Aim is also great when you get the Pro version because you can hold your breath longer. Do I really need to explain why this is important to a sniper?
5. Jump, crouch, and insta-prone
People hate bunny hopping. You get a bonus to aim when you crouch. People don’t shoot towards your feet. Get the picture?

“If we catch hell, someone hacked!!!!”

Bunny Hopping is when someone jumps around the map hoping to get away with not dying, but killing you. Some people try to argue that bunny hopping is not possible in Call of Duty because after the first jump, your character does not continue jumping the same height each time. This is bull shit. Bunny hopping is repeated jumping. Period.<

Why do they think this works? Well, because of the latency issue. The higher the lag, the more likely it is to seem that bunny hopping is actually working. It is, to an extent, but it's not nearly as useful tactic as the user believes. Most of the time what happens is the hit boxes get messed up and either trail the in game character or distort completely, meaning you think you're hitting someone but you aren't. MW2, and many other games, use what's called "Normalizing", so even the latency isn't too much of an issue.

Trust me, don't bunny hop. You only die in the air. It's not effective and it screws up your aim. However, when you know, for 100% certain, someone is around a corner, it's not always a bad idea to jump around it and fire. Try to toss a flash grenade first, though.

When you crouch, you gain an IMMEDIATE accuracy bonus. This should be your firing position of choice when moving around the map. Whenever you stop to scan an area, crouch. Also, it obviously makes you a smaller target. So, why not do it? Your speed might decrease when moving, but so what? Your accuracy more than makes up for that. Also, most people will end up shooting over you. This brings me to my next point.

INSTANTLY GO PRONE IN A FIRE FIGHT! Not only do you gain a higher accuracy bonus, but most people are expecting you to run around or jump, because they're morons. Because so many people think that jumping is the way to go, most people will aim high. More often than not, you will mow your opponent down, leaving them to rage that you went prone instead of jumping. Also, anyone coming to help your victim will more than likely fire at mid height thinking that's where you are. The mini map doesn't show what position the person firing is in, and that's to your advantage.

Oh, and lastly…serpentine! Don't be a jack ass and rush your opponent head on…zig-zag, you moron. A moving target is more difficult to hit than a standing one, so move about.
6. Do everything to win…EVERYTHING

“Kick him in the nards!!!”

For the love of god…if it’s in the game and not an exploit, a hack, or a glitch, use it! Get over the mentality that something is cheap. Nothing is cheap. If it’s getting you a high number of kills, then it’s a worthwhile tactic. If camping is netting you more kills than the person running around the map, then keep camping. If you running around the camp is getting more kills than any camper, keep running around.

Have the warrior mentality of “winning at all costs”. No, the game is not “Serious Business”, but it is your duty, in game, to win the match. If you’re playing a deathmatch, then your job is to kill as many people as possible while dying as less often as possible. So, if you need to use a grenade launcher to achieve that goal, then by god you better do it. If you’re playing an objective based game, then find the best way to get points for your team and use the best tactics to do so.

Should you find yourself on the ass end of a ass whipping, then you better figure something else out. Don’t keep doing the same thing getting you killed! Learn how to identify, adapt, and overcome. If you can’t do that, then you aren’t as good at this game as you think you are.

This all applies to life as well. In a street fight, you’re fighting for your life, so poke out eyeballs, go for crotch shots, and use everything in your immediate area. EVERYTHING is a weapon if you put your mind to it.

Don’t complain about someone’s tactics unless you know for a fact they are hacking. In which case, do what you can to own them like crazy. Sadly, in MW2, this is all we can do since Infinity Ward has decided to not allow vote kicking. Until then, just do what you can to make their existence in the server miserable. This includes using as many grenade launcher rounds and flash grenades as possible to make it so they can’t see.

Like I said, just do everything you can to win. Only you know yourself and your limitations, so get rid of your faults as much as possible.
That’s it for now. If you don’t agree with this, you’re an idiot. Warriors try and nobs cry. Don’t be a noob.

Most of you still don’t get the hint

Posted 1/14/2010 at 6:4 PM on Xanga

Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time

There are way too many emos and attention whores out there for my taste, so I’ve decided to help everyone along. You’re a failure at life, so what makes you think you can succeed in death? I’ll tell you what makes you think that: This article! Here are some ways to get your butt kicked off of this mortal coil.

We’ll start off with the basics and then move on to creativity. Each one is listed with coolness and style points to help you pick the best one.

1. Drink Yourself to Death
Chugalug, you pussy!No, I don’t mean to become an alcoholic who destroys their liver over twenty years like your grandfather, no! I’m talking about good old fashioned, just turned 21 and getting hazed into college drinking yourself to death. How do you do it? It’s rather simple in its execution, actually, but a bit more difficult in application.

First of all, you need to have access to a lot of booze. My suggestion is going out like a playboy and getting your friends together at some kind of kick ass bar or club where they make the Jack and Cokes look like Lipton iced tea. Tell everyone that you are starting a tab and give the bartender your credit card. This way you don’t have to keep paying and possibly run out of bills before you’re dead.

Secondly, you keep ordering drinks…a lot of drinks. Hell, even order some for your friends because you’re about to be dead, so who cares who actually pays?

Don’t let anyone try to tell you to stop drinking, either. If the bartender is a real pussy and says he can’t serve you anymore, give permission to one of your friends to order off your tab, then keep giving you drinks.

Now third, you shouldn’t be mixing your alcohol like nobody’s business as well. The more you mix your booze, the more likely you are to get sick and throw up before you have a chance to get alcohol poisoning. Keep hitting the hard, heavy, and expensive shit because you’ll get hammered faster.

Lastly, make sure that your friends are willing to screw around and pour more drinks down your throat after you “pass out” in order to ensure death. Oh, and don’t forget to write a “Do Not Resuscitate!” note. Can’t have people trying to bring you back, now can we?

The only down side to this is you really need to either be 21 or have someone willing to supply you with an ungodly amount of booze.

Coolness: 8
Style: 9

2. Slit Your Wrist
Down and not across!Sure it’s been done before and it’s nothing unique, but you can’t beat a classic! Too many retarded 14 year old girls can’t seem to get this one right, so it’s time to get some help on this one.

Remember, this isn’t to be trifled with and should only be done by the dedicated!

First you need to find a good, sharp blade. It doesn’t have to be metal, it doesn’t have to be a razor blade, and it doesn’t have to be any longer than two inches. For all it matters, you could use a long shear of broken glass. Just make sure it’s very sharp!

Second, get a grip on said instrument and hold it at a 45º angle and hold it at the top of your wrist. The exact location is two fingers down from where your wrist and palm meet.

The third step here is the most important! Cut DOWN the arm, not across it. A good cadence to remember is either “Down the freeway, not across the street!” or “Flow of a river, not the way of a crow!”

Yes it’s going to hurt, but try not to start and stop too many times, or else the paramedics, coroner and your family will see that you are a pussy in death, just like in life. These are called “hesitation tracks” and are a clear sign that you just weren’t serious enough the first time or few times… That is just as bad as being the failure you are in life in death.

Coolness: 5
Style: 5

3. Jump Off a Tall Spot
Jump like Super Mario!However, don’t be an attention whore about it. For instance, it’s a really bad idea to stand on top of a bridge over a freeway during rush hour. Sure it seems like a great performance idea, but when you think about it, it’s really stupid. Traffic is bad enough without a jumper and since so many people will see you doing it, the cops will be on your ass before you can blink, effectively stopping you.

First off you need to think about the highest place you can easily climb up on. Ideally it’s going to be at least four stories high with nothing for you to hit on the way down. If you were REALLY serious, you’d drive up to the mountains, find a cliff, and then throw yourself off.

Secondly you’re going to need a good running start. Forget that holding on to the edge bullshit, that’s for people who aren’t serious, and you are damn it! No, back up the needed distance for you to reach full running speed.

The third instruction comes as you are running at full speed at right at the edge. Said instruction is JUMP!

This is going to leave a huge mess, which will rule for you and suck for anyone left with the clean up. People will know you were serious when they see your skeleton popped out of your head from the force of you hitting the ground.

Coolness: 6
Style: 6 if regular or 8 if done with a bitchin’ back flip

4. Self-Inflicted Gunshot to the Head
Click, Click, BoomDo it like Kurt Cobain anyway you can! It doesn’t have to be a shotgun. Get yourself a good old fashioned handgun and blow your own brains out. Again, this one is a classic, but not everyone can do it just right.

First off, make sure you have a LOADED gun. You don’t want to feel stupid and have time to think about it after you learn the gun doesn’t have a round chambered.

Next, put the gun under your chin, not in your mouth like the douche nozzle in the picture. If it’s in your mouth, there’s a chance the angle will be incorrect. Also, you don’t want to point it to the side of your head, because if you flinch then you run the risk of being a retarded vegetable instead of a corpse.

All you need to do in the last step is pull the trigger. If it’s under your chin, you’re not going to miss, and if you do, you’ve failed at yet another thing in life: Your own death.

Coolness: 9
Style: 7

5. Drug Yourself with Pills
Consult your local drug dealer, kidsThe staple of the suicider! Over the counter medication is cheap, easy to get, and can be deadly in the right combination. The trick is to not throw up, much like drinking yourself to death, so that you’re forced to die. There’s really only two things to this one.

You need to buy serious OTC medicine. Bad ideas are Tylonal, Excedrin, aspirin, and things like that. No, you want grotesque amounts of NyQuil, DayQuil, and then mix them with antihistamines.

Really the only other step is you need to choke them all down like a whore at a dick sucking contest. If you really want to help things along, chug it down with booze.

A few tips would be that after you swallow it all down, tape your mouth shut really tightly with duct tape. This prevents you from puking it out and ruining your death. Hell, it might even help things along since the vomit will lodge in your sinus cavities.

Coolness: 3
Style: 4 for regular or 6 with the duct tape


6. Feed Yourself to the Blob
Blobs hate cold things...this chick is hot!How cool is that?! Not only do you get to off yourself, but you’re feeding an endangered species as it is. Also, since you’re feeding it, the damn thing grows and will go on to kill your annoying neighbor. Blobs rock and you want to die, so die in a cool way.

The hardest thing to do is find a blob. These things are always around when you don’t want them to be, but the moment you start looking, they are no where to be found. I suggest looking in places like the National Inquirer to find one.

Once found, these things are nothing more than eating machines. Still, there are some important rules to remember when dealing with blobs. The most important thing to remember is that blobs do, in fact, hate anything cold. Try not to be too frigid when you meet one or else it may turn away from you. Also, it is rumored, but not confirmed, that blobs won’t eat something if it is really raunchy and stinky. So, take a shower and make sure you are all clean. Every creature deserves a good, clean meal!

Coolness: 9
Style: 6

7. Use Your Own Hands to Choke Yourself
Keep going, tough guy!So…fucking…manly! Once thought to be impossible, it shouldn’t be for those who are dedicated. This has to be one of the greatest ways to prove that you were worth more to the world than it allowed you to be. There isn’t a man alive who wouldn’t salute you for pulling this one off.

What you need is to have hands, obviously, but they must be your own! You’ll need to grasp your throat as if your hand was a pit bull’s jaw and lock up. The proper way to do this is to make a V over your neck, find your wind pipe, and try to wrap your hand around it while squeezing.

Second step is to give it your all and do not let go.The last thing you need is to wake up in the hospital with doctors looking at you like an idiot while you explain your failure. This is basically like failing at failing, which is the ultimate shit for a suicider.

Like I said earlier, this is the manliest way to go out. Not all suicide has to be messy or anything like that, so why not do something an extremely small amount of others have done? Join their ranks and prove your worth!

Coolness: 10!!!!!!!!!!
Style: 10!!!!!!!!!!

8. Porno Fisting Session Gone Wrong
Love Fist, baby!This one will make a mess, so be warned. You want to die, but you also want to feel good, so why not go out feeling good? I know it’s a bit of a contradiction, but hear me out on this, alright? This gives the phrase “Taping that ass!” new meaning!

Basically you either go to a professional porn studio or an amatuer one and tell them you want to star in the newest fisting movie. Since it’s not a huge liking to most porn stars, you’ll get the part no problem. Just lube up really well.

Now that you’re in, it’s time to get someone in you. Chicks get two choices, but guys…you only get one! As the fisting starts, give the camera something to work with, but act like you’re messing up a lot, and get them to do a lot of takes.During the fifth or sixth take, start screaming for “HARDER!”, “MORE!” and the extremely important, “I WANT FOUR FISTS AT ONCE!!!!!!!” Then ride those fists until your insides are made out of jelly. This shouldn’t be a long process when four or more fists are punching your colon at the same time.

Remember when I said this will make a mess? Well, expect to be spitting ass and blood all over the place. Your co-stars are going to be shoving their fists so far up you that they’ll puncture your bowels, causing all sorts of stuff to fire out like a firehose. Make sure no one trims their nails!

Coolness: 3
Style: 9

9. Ultimate Beat Down
This one is simple to do as a man and requires not picture help. Simply walk up to a bunch of UFC fighters in a gym, drop your pants, and scream, “You are all faggots who want to suck this cock!”

Females will need to be wearing a strap on. Simply tell them that they are all faggots and that they want to be screwed with the strap on you’re wearing. Continue to scream at them and one of them will beat you hard enough to kill you.

Coolness: 10
Style: 4 for guys 8 for girls

10. Backdraft Fart
Burn, baby, burn! Disco inferno!This one is also a great way to go out and create a nasty mess for the paramedics. All you need is some really bad gas and a lighter. Oh, and a video camera, because no one is going to believe you took yourself out with your own farts unless you record it. After all, you don’t want to end up as one of those unbelievable e-mail stories, do you?

The beans you eat are very important. Don’t eat something like Bush’s Baked Beans because they suck ass. Refried beans are always a sure bet. Aside from beans, look into eating a lot of broccoli and cheese, cabbage, and anything else that’s going to gas you up. You know your body better than I do, so get to it!

Now, you’ll want to be naked. There’s no point in accidentally lighting yourself on fire, now is there? You’ve chosen one of the coolest ways to die and you don’t want anything to get in the way of that! Lay back on the floor and try to get your ass slightly elevated above your head with your legs apart. Hold the lighter at least an inch from yourself and then let one go.

The trick here is to keep your butthole loose as the fart ends so that the flame enters the rectum and ignites the gas inside. Once it’s done that, clinch extremely hard!!!! Know what happens when gas has to expand and can’t? That’s right, you get an explosion! HOW FUCKING AWESOME IS THAT?!

Coolness: 20
Style: 20

Well, that’s it for today. Pick and choose carefully, and make sure you do it right. Don’t fail at dying, you pathetic fucks. It pisses off the paramedics, cops, and family. It also only goes to show what a horrible piece of shit you are and everybody else was right about you.
Posted 4/28/2007 at 1:37 AM on Xanga

How to be a Jerk When Dining Out

There are few things in this life that really piss me the hell off like douche bags at a restaurant.  I know, far be it from me to talk about how there are so many jackasses out there, especially in public places like a restaurant, but I feel compelled this time to actually bring it up.  So, here I go.  I’m going to detail what the most annoying, rude, real-dick-move things to do are, so you, too can understand what a prick you are when you do these things.

1. Request a booth regardless of current occupancy
If you are fat and out of shape, requesting a booth is only going to further the talking that will be going on behind your fat ass.If you’re by yourself, you should still expect to get a booth, so just demand one.  Honestly, you’re lazy and self absorbed so you  need to have one!
2. Make an ironic joke about how empty it is
This one never gets old!  When the only people in the place are you, the employees, and maybe one or two other tables, make the comment, “Yeah, if you can find room for us!”  Trust me, the employees love this joke and they will never have heard it before.
3. Never be specific/Never answer with the correct reply
When the host makes the statement, “Hello.  How can I help you?”  Reply with something like, “I’m doing great, thanks for asking!”When the host makes the statement, “How are you this morning/afternoon/evening?” Reply with something like, “I’d like to dine-in/take out.”When the host makes the statement, “Will you be dining in or taking out?” Reply with something like, “I’d like to get breakfast/lunch/dinner, if I can.”When the host makes the statement, “What is it that we may do for you?” Reply with something like, “Two.”  More on this later.

The point is, whenever you are asked a question, that is NEVER the question that the person means to ask you, so it’s your job to make sure your answer has nothing to do with it.  Also, the “If I can” is very, very, very important, because you never know when you are allowed to actually eat at a restaurant.  It’s not like that’s the reason the place is there!
4. Say as little as possible and only talk with your hands
Forget using your words when it’s easier to just throw your hands in some stranger’s face in order to reply to a perfectly valid question.  When asked how many people there will be, simply stare coldly at the person and raise your hand with the number of people, but do not actually say the number.
5. Make vague statements to questions when you do talk
Remember I said, “More on this later”?  Well, never, ever, never, ever, ever give complete sentences when you actually do make a comment…aside from the “If you can find room for us!”…if you can avoid it.

You don’t need to tell people that there will be X number of people in your party, when you can simply say the number, with no indication to what you are talking about.At a decent place like Red Lobster?  When greeted, simply look at them and say, “Three, please.”  They will automatically know what the you are talking about.  Three lobsters?  Three cheddar biscuits?  Three shrimp?  Why should you care that you’re being vague?  They should be mind readers.
6. Don’t remember what you and your friend ordered
Trust me, it’s more fun for the people who bring out your food to figure out, through telepathy, what you both ordered.  This is especially true if you both ordered something completely different from each other.

At a pizza parlor?  If you order a pizza and your friend orders a salad, be completely clueless when the order is brought out to you in regards to who had what.  The person who brings out your food probably has no idea what you ordered, but they should be able to automatically, magically know what goes to which person, since you obviously have no clue.
7. Remind the person who brought your food that you had other items on the order
This ties in with the last one and applies heavily when the person/people who bring your food out are not the one(s) who took your order.

Did you order two hamburgers, a side of fried cheese, and chips with salsa, but the person is only carrying two burgers in each hand and balancing the fried cheese?  Promptly and sternly remind them that you ordered the chips with salsa and you’re expecting it.  They should be able to carry everything at once, right?Ordered two steak sandwiches, a taco, and a fish sandwich, but only the taco, fish sandwich and one of the steak sandwiches came out?

When the person is asking who had each thing, when they get to the steak sandwich, point out that you had TWO steak sandwiches, not just one.  This is, of course, after they magically figure out what each person ordered because you forgot who had what.
8. Bitch about your food before you eat any of it/Eat all of it then demand a refund
Before you even take a bite, complain about how the food looks, the food smells, and the food feels!  Sure you haven’t even tasted any of the food yet, but that’s not the point.  The point is you are already not satisfied and you should get the food for free.  Again, forget the fact that you haven’t even tried it!

After you are finished eating, if you haven’t complained about the food in anyway, now is the perfect time to whine.  You wolfed down the food, so now you should get it for free.  Never mind that you could have easily had your food re-prepared to a manner in which you could have complained about before you tasted it.  Instead just talk about how so many things about the food were awful, even though you ate it, and demand it for free.  This way you get full and keep your wallet full.
9. Bring children…then ignore them!
The little crumb munchers that are your children aren’t your problem when you’re dining out.  I mean, that’s the entire point of dining out with the bastards, isn’t it? You don’t have to cook, you don’t have to clean, and from the view of many “parents”, you don’t have to do any parenting.Baby screaming, crying, and throwing things?  It’s not your place!  Other people having their meals interrupted?  Screw them!  It’s a baby for God’s sake, so they should just deal with it since you’re out to eat.

No matter what restaurant you are at, it’s just like Chuck E. “Fucking” Cheese.  Children are welcome to run around, throw things, scream, yell, and stare at other people intensely while making snot covered faces at them.If your child is running around (and why wouldn’t they be?) and gets hurt, it is the fault of the restaurant staff, not yours.  Remember this especially if your child is a big wuss and starts coughing on hot sauce then starts crying.  Scream that you will sue them for not dropping everything and act like your child is the second coming of Christ who must be protected at all cost.
10. Don’t hand over your payment politely
Chances are, if you dine at a smaller restaurant, you will have to take your receipt over to the host/cashier.  This is a major inconvenience on your fat ass, so there’s no reason to be polite.

When read back the amount due, if you pay with a credit card, you must throw it at them.  When feeling slightly less rude, simply drop the card in front of you and look at them with the, “Pick it up, asshole!” stare.If you’re actually paying by cash, never hand them the money.  Instead, you have to put it at the edge of the counter top and leave it.  Don’t look at the person after doing so, either, because then it’s considered a challenge of territory…you don’t want that, after all.

You can, to a lesser degree, throw the money as well.  Of course, it’s more making sure all the bills are folded, but not together, and then dropping it from chest height so that it spreads apart in the air.  This forces them to either try and catch it, or end up bending over/kneeling down to pick it up like the slaves you believe them to be.
11. Make one last snide remark to the host
No matter what, you must, must, must make one last snide remark to the otherwise polite host.  Bitch that they aren’t smiling large enough, they aren’t laughing hard enough at your lame jokes, they aren’t spending thirty minutes having a conversation with your group, or that when you came in, there were twenty five people waiting before you and so you had to wait forty five minutes for a table, so you aren’t happy.

Also, always demand that the host tell the owners about anything you are complaining about…because they have so much influence in things.  Lighting not right?  Wait too long when you showed up during rush time?  Prices too expensive?  Hot sauce too much for you and you started crying?  Demand that the host tell the owners immediately to correct the problem.

There are a lot more things, I know, but right now, I’m giving myself a headache thinking about it.  Now if only being stupid hurt the people that do these things instead of the rest of us…