Ten Alternative Super Bowl Party Ideas

Are you all ready for some football?!?!?!?!!?!?!??! Yeah, me neither, but it’s Super Bowl LII, which is apparently NOT pronounced Super Bowl “Lee”, “El Eye Eye” nor “Lye”, which means I’ll watch it. Kind of. A little bit. Just the commercials for sure…on YouTube a few days to weeks later.

If you’re like me and only care about the Super Bowl as far as the commercials and free food from people are concerned, but don’t want anyone to think you’re anti-social, or want to a be hip to the new hipster scene, then you’ve come to a great place! While this isn’t a “How To Guide” since I’m not going to being telling you how to do these, you’ll still get some great alternative party ideas. Think of these as jumping off points. Much like how most people need to jump off a very high bridge into a dry river bed.

Oh, and let’s not forget that any advertisers, unless they’ve paid out the ass and are official sponsors, can’t call the Super Bowl the Super Bowl without permission. Yes, I’m serious. They’ve also sued churches for holding parties in which people can watch the Super Bowl. Again, yes, I’m serious.

Anyway, on with the list of ideas!


1. Commercials Only

Let’s start off with the most obvious type of alternate party, the Commercials Only. With this party, you only un-mute the television during the commercials and then mute them again during the game. You do everything in your power to keep people from actually watching the Super Bowl. Get out Uno, Twister (nude if necessary), Cards Against Humanity…it doesn’t matter, really. When halftime comes around, turn off the halftime performance and watch something like The Puppy Bowl instead. Make sure to hoot and holler at great commercials!


2. Pants Off-Dance Off for All Touchdowns

Kind of self explanatory. Any time “your” team scores a touchdown, then you take off your pants and dance in celebration. If you don’t care about what team is the favorite, or don’t have a team you care about yourself, just do it for any and all touchdowns. Bonus points for doing your dance on a table and lightening round double daily bonus for doing it on the table where people are eating when they are eating.


3. Shot Down!

To do this, you must take a shot of any alcohol for every first down. The harder the alcohol the more screwed up you’ll get quickly, so you might want to pace yourself. It’s something like the Highlander Drinking Game, but you’ll get a lot more wasted. Unless, of course, each team really sucks and there’s hardly any progress made on the field. I don’t know who’s playing and I don’t care enough to find out, so…this might happen this year. I don’t know.

This is an alcoholic’s favorite!


4. Pee Wee Super Bowl

Don’t watch the actual Super Bowl, and instead watch little league football, which I just found out is called Pee Wee. While I would never suggest inviting Paul Reuben over under normal circumstances, I’d say this is the best time to do so. Still don’t invite Jared, the Subway guy, though. Seriously. Don’t. I won’t be held responsible if you do.

 

5. The “Super” Bowl

“What the fuck is this?!” you’re thinking. I know, because I’m psychic, remember? Or, rather, I know you’re more than likely reading this silently in your brain, which makes you think it. Mind blown. I know. Why, yes I am amazing. Again, I know.

This super bowl is an actual super bowl. You and all your “friends” (see: cult followers) will gather around a bowl which will be adorned with an attractive color scheme, a cape, and underwear on the outside. Fill it with tasty snacks of your choosing and drop to your knees in prayer, thanks, fear, gratitude, and worship for every bite you take of said snacks.

Don’t forget the psalm of worship to bring forth luck and keep away its porcelain wrath. According to Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World:

Giver of snacks
Container which never lacks
Keep us full and in high spirits
We shall never falter in our praise
Not once in all of our days!

COME FORTH, GOOD LUCK!
FUCK OFF, ANNOYING CUCKS!

When the super bowl is empty, you can either toss it back and forth between each other or wash it out for use in the next year.

 

6. Reenactment Party

Oh boy, is this one fun! You also get to trash not only the place, but your fellow party goers, too. For every play made, you reenact it in the area you’re watching the game in. If you’re in the basement, then you do it there. If you’re in the living room, then you do it there. If you’re some kind of amazing stuntman and watching it from trapeze wires, then more power to you…but you have to do it there with everyone else.

You may be sued by the NFL, but you’ll win in court if you can afford the legal fees to fight it. After all, it’s a live interpretation and alteration of what’s actually going on. Basically, it’s fair use. The injuries, however, are not open to be paid for by the NFL, even when you do win your case.

 

7. Get High – Get Fucked Party

Get high and get fucked. You don’t even have to watch the party. You will, however, need enough snacks and beverages packed with electrolytes to keep people going. Trust me, you don’t want to run out of food and hydration in the middle of an orgy. Things get awkward fast. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do.

 

8. Murder Mystery

Everyone loves a mystery and this is going to be talked about for years to come! You invite everyone over for what seems to be a normal Super Bowl party, but with one twist…every time the ball changes teams, someone dies! Make sure you aren’t the killer, though, because that’s too obvious. Get one of your guests whom you know will be down for this and have them take someone out and hide the bodies. Hell, even don’t hide the bodies, I don’t care. It’s your call.

As the game goes on, everyone will be scrambling to figure out “Who Done It?!” By the final minutes of the game, gather everyone into another room and have everyone who’s left write down who they think the killer is and why. If the majority of the people guess right, then that they get a prize! A prize besides getting to live, that is.

Oh, and to do this game right, you may just want to confiscate everyone’s cell phones and make sure you don’t have a land line. Also, nail down all your windows and make it so no one can escape. You don’t want some party pooper ruining the game by getting the police involved. Clean up may be a bitch, however, so make sure you rent a carpet cleaner with steam.

 

9. Swords, Knives and Guns Party

What does this have to do with the Super Bowl? The pregame! This is the only pregame idea in all of this, mind you. Let’s face it, you and everyone else is getting wasted before the game even begins, so you’ll need something to do to entertain yourselves before the game. The pregame always sucks, but this will make it better.

Start off just by showing off your swords, knives, and guns. Then you’ll progress to swinging them around and chambering rounds. Semi-final will be showing off what you can do, or if it works how awesome it would be. Finally, you end up with someone holding a rather large sausage or hotdog in their mouth and you take it out with either a sword, a knife, or your gun. Keep in mind for the gun you’ll have to shoot it, so it’s technically the bullet doing the job.

 

10. Just Masturbate Party

Ignore the game altogether and focus on the cheerleaders, or the commercials, and just spank it for three hours and fifty three minutes. Get snacks and beverages with lots of electrolytes.


There you have it! What kind of party are you going to throw? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to mix in meth with some RedHot Buffalo Dip. I put that on everything!

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Domestic Violence – Cure Has Been Found!

This is great! Like two scoops or raisins!
The greatest news from specialists at the “Mayo Labs” has been released yesterday, and we’re glad to be one of the first people to bring it to you, thanks to use completely disregarding our NDA!

Since the beginning of time, or rather 1994 in America, we’ve been doing everything we can to end domestic violence by calling attention to it with special laws. We’ve originally believed the issue was deep routed psychological issues, or even a learned behavior from previous generations. All the research in the world didn’t seem to help. That is until now! What is this miracle cure which is guaranteed to stop any and all domestic violence? Here it is:

Shut the Fuck Up!

Yep. That’s it! Think about how simple an instruction this is. You’d think everything would be much more complicated, but the facts prove it really isn’t. Checking with current and former domestic violence victims we can see everything stems from not just keeping their mouth shut unless asked directly for a response…and even then it might be better to just shut up.

The Core Principle
At its core the principle is simple and yet complicated. As human beings, we’re conditioned to speak with others and even provide responses. Those of us who have been wronged are often found trying to find defense with our words. This faulted evolutionary trait must be fought and controlled if we are to continue to evolve as a species while also ending domestic violence.

Imagine this scenario:
Your husband/boyfriend/brother/guy friend comes home and he’s already in a bad mood. He has a history of knocking in your teeth for being a “disrespectful bitch” and he is expecting, not only a nice dinner, but a deep vacuum of the entire place. You managed to get a 100% perfect job on vacuuming the carpet, but the broccoli is slightly cold in the middle, meaning you didn’t cook it well enough.

Man – “What the fuck is this?!”
You – “Dinner…”
Man – “No! THIS IS SHIT! It’s FROZEN in the middle!”
You – “I did it the way…”

Suddenly he jumps across the table and punches your stupid face into the ground.

This was your fault. You didn’t keep your mouth shut! You shouldn’t have said anything.

Now let’s look at how you should have handled the same situation, but keeping your mouth shut:

Man – “What the fuck is this?!”
You – “…”
Man – “You fucking IGNORING ME?!”
You – “…”
Man – “YOU DISRESPECTFUL BITCH!”

Suddenly he jumps across the table, grabs you by the throat for a second and then stops sighing.

Man – “At least you did the fucking vacuuming! I’m going out for dinner. Eat your shit or starve!”

He then leaves, bangs a random bar slut, gets an STD, and then fucks your brains out later that night to assert his dominance. You are in a much better position this time!

Psychology of the Cure
The only psychology involved is your own. Keeping your mouth shut takes tremendous mental strength. By doing exercises such as no longer speaking to friends and family nor communicating with anyone at all, you can eventually learn to keep your mouth shut unless specifically asked to respond. Even when asked to respond, you should know exactly what is expected of you. This can take years, so getting out of the relationship just because you’re weak is ill advised.

Testimonials from the Participants
We’ve acquired some testimonials from participants of the original study for your reading pleasure. You’ll see the subject’s names and read their experience with it all, including how long it lasted before hand.


Name: Sarah McKennis
Nationality: Irish
Current Residence: Missouri
Results According to Subject:
My husband, Mitchell, was one of the hardest hitters I had ever been with. He would beat me until I would fall unconscious constantly. No matter what the conversation was about, it would end with me getting slugged in the face like it was there for visible punctuation. The exclamation marks were his favorite. His cock though…oh my god! It’s the biggest reason I didn’t leave him, and besides, I’m a strong woman and not a quitter.

When I heard of this study I told Mitchell. “GOOD!” he told me and busted my face open so deeply I ended up with six staples across my face from biting a hole in my own face. I didn’t even wait for my mistake to heal and went straight to the study.

How are things now? Well, I’ve learned to keep my mouth closed and only speak when I should be replying. As for why I’m in this hospital bed giving my evaluation…well…I forgot to check attitude at the door when he made a comment about feeling old. Rule number one is to shut the fuck up, and I didn’t. I told him it’s okay if he gets old and I still love him. My mistake! However, the study still stands and I give it a 100%


Name: Timmy Ashford
Nationality: American
Current Residence: New Mexico
Results According to Subject:
Stephen is my step-dad. Well, he’s my step-dad in the sense he’s always having sex with my mother, lives with us, eats all our food, drinks all day, refuses to marry my mom and give me a father in a proper family setting, all the while beating my ass raw. I used to be a bad kid, but now I know my place. I no longer make the same mistakes as so many of my friends do. He even lets me call him Stephen now and not “Master”.

What started me in the trial is when Stephen had been asking me to clean my room five or six times in a single day. Like I said, I was a bad kid in those days, and refused to do anything he said because I was angry at him for just being around. So, after the fifth or sixth time of him screaming for me to clean up my room, I yelled back, “FUCK YOU STEPHEN! You’re not even my real dad!” You can imagine the three hour beating with a belt, a hot curling iron, and his fists. He got so tired my mother even had to take over beating me when he broke his hands on my ass!

My mommy had enough of my attitude and couldn’t take the stress anymore, just knowing I would continue to make Stephen mad, so she looked through the papers on where she could take me. She stumbled upon the trial and enrolled me right away. I got time away from Stephen and learned to keep my mouth shut for my own good!

A+ program and I highly suggest all other bad kids, which is all kids, to enroll!


Name: Tiffany-Sage Haddler
Nationality: British
Current Residence: Idaho
Results According to Subject:
My mummy always wants me to wear bright colours and act as a lady, but I just didn’t like it all too much. Mummy does know what is best, but in my silly head I could just not see that as a fact and I acted up just like all these spoiled American brats. No longer do I, however!

I would talk back to my mummy and ask her what she knew, and the result would be immediate and severe slaps among my face and fanny. She would constantly ask me how I would ever expect to please a husband if I spoke back all the time. My daft reasoning was that I did not want to be a stay at home mummy like mummy, who earned money by bringing in strange men and making me watch so they would both pay more and finish faster. Oh, what a sod I was!

Thanks to this program, I now know a proper woman is seen and not heard. She does exactly that and more. The more is what my mummy teaches me. I now have the skills and education early enough to carry me throughout my adult life in order to become a proper lady of the house!

I will raise many cups of tea in the honour of this program!


Name: Julian Nielson
Nationality: Ameri-queer
Current Residence: Gay Bay
Results According to Subject:
Mmmm…my name is Julian, but call me Sally RoughRider! I love long walks on the beach, blonds, and butt sex! Tee hee!!!! I know this isn’t a dating service, you giggly gooses!

My life partner, Bruce, who I always call “OH damn! THAT MAN!!!!” in a loving way, used to break a foot off in my ass, and I don’t mean in a fun gay way. Oh no. He’d kick the shit out of me almost every time I opened my whore mouth. That was the problem, you see, since as a gay man I don’t know when to shut up. It’s just genetics, and you can’t fight genetics, but you can control your nasty habits like talking all the time.

The last straw was when Bruce came home drunk and stinking of both strange men and vagina. Trust me, you can tell the difference in that smell! Well, once again I opened my stupid whore mouth and he beat me to the point of needing medical treatment for damn near a month. While laying out in the hospital, he was reading me the obituaries to remind me I could end up in there, when I caught a glimpse of this trial and knew I needed help.

Now I only open my mouth to suck dick! Great improvement! Much love!

I ♥ (‿|‿)!


There you have it, everyone! Keep your fucking mouth shut if you don’t want to get your ass beat by your significant other. Doesn’t just work for normal people and women: It’s obviously great for gays and children, too!

Know your place!

The Golden Age is Gone!

Fear. Panic. Annoyance. Death. Acceptance. Well, okay, maybe acceptance before death, but not always. Not always. As we all have been made aware, The Golden Age has officially come to an end as reported by our council of elders in their watch towers (AKA skyscraper business complexes in various states).

I am here for all of you in this trying time, so don’t worry. As a matter of fact, I am going to assist us in these trying times by offering the soothing voice which will guide many through the darkness in the coming days. Even with The Golden Age at a finish there is a silver lining. That is to say, the Silver Age, with a small “the”, is now here.

Silver, unlike gold, isn’t as pure nor as nice. Gold can do all kinds of things which silver cannot. This is going to be the worst thing for the Silver Age. You see, second place is generally a silver medal. Since second place is the first to lose then silver is the first to suck. Granted, the coming the Silver Age won’t suck as hard as the bronze Age, so there is that.

What can you expect in this the Silver Age? For one thing, you can be sure everything which came before will have been better: Movies, videogames, music, dancing, and food. None of this is going to be as good as The Golden Age, so brace yourself for that. Food will taste less delicious because everything considered “bad”, which gives it flavor, will be removed, leaving a bland, yet more healthy, food item. Movies will be less entertaining and nothing except remakes of great movies in the past without any of the understanding as to why the original was good to begin with. Music will be nothing more than disconnected sounds of cars slamming into each other while a modem screams a connection in the background. Dancing will simply be running around naked while doing the helicopter as dirt is poured from the ceiling, since soap suds has already been done. Videogames will be nothing more than fifteen minute adventures, which will require you to purchase the ability to continue playing after each three minutes for what will eventually become 2.5x what you ORIGINALLY bought the game for and you will also have to pay a monthly subscription fee on top of it as the game designers snort coke of high dollar hookers’ asses while never addressing game play nor hacking issues until it costs them money from said hackers.

the Silver Age may seem bleak, but it’s not going to be all bad. We will be smarter than those who are born during this time. As they grow older, they are moving toward the bronze Age and as such will have less and less common sense than those of us around right now. Eventually, sure, they will be in power, but the vast majority of them will be so mangled from their own stupidity, we will have a nice decline in population, also meaning we will be more beautiful than they are. Not to mention we will always be able to out exercise them due to their obesity and sedentary life style well into our 90’s.

We know Times are Changing simply for the sake of change, but I think we can do this. Allow me to be your guide, your guru, your guy who holds all your money because you can’t be trusted with it. You know this is true. Please, no checks. Cash only.

Together, we can do anything, because of me.

Islam peace? Muslims same as Christians and Jews? (s)

I’m so sick of people saying that either I or anyone else needs to be educated. I am well educated and I’m about to OWN YOU.

Please pass this around and help to educate everyone on our enemy in this war, why we fight this war, and what to expect if we simply run away.

This is all straight from the horses mouth! Islam itself!


Islam

Introduction
It has been said that knowledge is power. Certainly, we can know that ignorance (the lack of knowledge) renders one absolutely powerless. The truth of the Word of God shines out on American Christendom in the light of Hosea 4:6:
“..my people are destroyed for lack of knowledge…”

This is indicting us for our complacency and laziness in educating ourselves about the trends that present themselves in these latter days. One of these is the rise of Islam in the United States and the Western world. How much does your average professing Christian even know about the religion of Muhammad? How can church-goers know how to sort through the varying images and claims which present themselves to us about Islam? What is truth, and what is falsehood, as far as is being told to us about the Muslim religion? How can we know the lies that will invariably be told to us, and avoid them?
 
 
 
Explanation of terms:
Qur’an – The primary religious text in Islam. It is held by Muslims to be perfect, complete, and heavenly. The Qur’an forms the primary and most important source of authoritative doctrine in orthodox Islam.

Ahadith (sing. Hadith) – Collections of sayings, teachings, and doctrines formulated attributed to Muhammad, narrated by several of his companions, and collated by various compilers. Also considered a source of authority for doctrine, as they contain the sayings of Allah’s prophet, Muhammad. Many Muslim scholars even refer to several of what are widely held to be authentic ahadith as “second inspiration”, and place them nearly on par with the Qur’an as sources of doctrine and practice. Among this body of hadithic literature, the collections of Bukhari, Muslim, Malik, Tirmzi, Abu Dawud, Nasa’i, and Ibn Majah are the most widely viewed as authentic, and therefore canonical. However, examination of the ahadith and the sunnat (below) over the past few decades have cast serious doubt onto the absolute authenticity of these traditional records and commandments. The evidence put forth by scholarship suggests that at least a large portion even of the canonical collections listed above were probably invented, or at least embellished, during the socio-political struggles between Muslim factions which occurred in the two centuries following Muhammad’s death. Therefore, when the records of the ahadith are used to support a point made about Islamic dogma or practice, it must be implicitly understood that this work does not rely on these sources for their absolute authenticity. Rather, they are looked to because they serve as a record of what the views, beliefs, and actions of Muslim tradition were ideally meant to be in the eyes of the Muslim reciters and collectors who attempted to give their creations added legitimacy through appeal to the authority of Muhammad and/or his Companions.

Sunnah (pl. Sunnat) – Very similar to the ahadith, these are collections of rules which were said to be laid down by Muhammad, and which he lived his life by. The ahadith, on the other hand, are narrations about Muhammad’s life which provide object examples for Muslims. The Sunnah are very important to most orthodox Muslims, and they are also considered to be a prime source of Islamic jurisprudence. Most orthodox Muslim teachers consider both the Qu’ran and the sunnah/ahadith to be indispensable in the lives of good Muslims.

Surah (pl. Surat) – A division of the Quranic text which most closely approximates the concept of “chapter” in Western literature. There are 114 surat in the Qur’an as it now exists. Each surah is named after a different topical heading, though this is not necessarily related to the main point of the surah.

Ayah (pl. Ayat) – A subdivision of the surahs, an ayah is approximate to a verse as found in the Bible. Together, references in the Qur’an are most commonly given in the form of (Surah number:ayah number)

Jihad (ji(-häd’)
–noun
1.) An individual’s striving for spiritual self-perfection.
2.) A Muslim holy war or spiritual struggle against infidels.
3.) A crusade or struggle

——————————————————————————–

The origins of Mecca
In Old Testament times, Nabonidus, the last king of Babylon, built Tayma, Arabia as a center of Moon-god worship. When the popularity of the Moon-god waned elsewhere, the Arabs remained true to their conviction that the Moon-god was the greatest of all gods. While they worshipped 360 gods at the Kabah in Mecca, the Moon-god was the chief deity. Mecca was in fact built as a shrine for the Moon-god. The pagan Arabs worshipped the Moon-god Hubal (or Allah) by praying toward Mecca several times a day; making a pilgrimage to Mecca; running around the temple of the Moon-god called the Kabah; kissing the black stone; killing an animal in sacrifice to the Moon-god; throwing stones at the devil; fasting for the month which begins and ends with the crescent moon; giving alms to the poor, etc.
 
 
 
Facts about pre-Islamic Arab pagans

  1. Pagan Arabs in pre-Islamic times worshiped over 300 gods.
  2. The pagans Arabs worship the sun, moon and the stars.
  3. Arabs built temples to the Moon-god.
  4. Different Arab tribes gave the Moon-god different names/titles.
  5. Some of the names/titles given to the Moon-god: Hubal, Ilumquh, Sin, Al-ilah, Allah.
  6. The variable names (Sin, Hubal, llumquh, Al-ilah) of Moon-god were used by various tribes of pagan Arabs.
  7. The title “al-ilah” (the god) was used as the Moon-god.
  8. The word “Allah” is derived from “al-ilah”.
  9. The pagan “Allah” was the high god in a pantheon of deities.
  10. He was worshipped at the Kabah.
  11. Allah was only one of many Meccan gods.
  12. Pagan Arabs placed a statue of Hubal (Ilumquh, Sin, Al-ilah, Allah) on top of the Kabah.
  13. At that time Hubal (Ilumquh, Sin, Al-ilah, Allah) was called the Moon-god.
  14. The Kabah was the “house of the Moon-god”.
  15. The name “Allah” eventually replaced that of Hubal as the name of the Moon god.
  16. They called the Kabah the “house of Allah”.
  17. al-Lat, al-Uzza and Manat were called “the daughters of Allah”.


 
 
 
Facts about Islam

  1. The Qur’an at one point told Muslims to worship al-Lat, al-Uzza and Manat In Surah 53:19-20.
  2. Those verses have been abrogated out of the present Qur’an.
  3. Those verses are now called “The Satanic Verses”.
  4. “Islam” means “to surrender”. “Muslim” means “those who submit”.

——————————————————————————–

Observations of Islam
Ever since the Attack on America on September 11, 2001, we have heard a never-ending chorus of voices from government, academia, and the media assuring us that the Islamic terrorists who attacked the Trade Towers and the Pentagon are not repre­sentative of “true Islam.” We have been likewise assured by spiritual leaders — even some Christian spokesmen — that Islam is a religion of peace, and that Muslims worship the same God as Christians and Jews.

“Our war is not against Islam,” we have been told repeatedly. “Our war is against terrorism.”

Well, what about it?

  • Are Muslims the spiritual brothers and sisters of Christians and Jews?
  • Do we all worship the same God?
  • Are the Islamic holy scriptures, known as the Qur’an, inspired by God?
  • Is Islam another path to God by which one can attain eternal life?
  • Are the Islamic fundamentalists representative of true Islam, or are they a terrible aberration of an otherwise peace-loving religion?
  • Is our war really a political one against international terrorists, or is it a spiritual battle against a demonic, intolerant, militant, and imperialistic religion known as Islam?

——————————————————————————–
A Historical Perspective on Islam
Let’s begin our consideration of these questions with some historical background.

Muhammad, the man who dictated the Qur’an and gave birth to Islam, was born in Mecca in the Saudi Arabian peninsula in 570 A.D. His father died before he was born, and his mother died when he was six years old. He was raised first by a grand­father and later by an uncle.

Muhammad was illiterate throughout his life. Until the age of 25 he worked in caravans. During his extensive travels, he encountered many Christians and Jews. Through his conversations with them, he picked up bits and pieces of both Judaism and Christianity.

His life was radically changed at age 25 when he met a wealthy widow 40 years old who fell in love with him. Their marriage enabled Muhammad to live a life of leisure from that point on.
 
 
 
Muhammad’s Call
Fifteen years after his marriage, at age 40, Muhammad had a visitation from a spirit. Supposedly, this spirit told him that he was called of God to be a “prophet” and an “apostle.” It is interesting to note that there was no tradition in Arabian religions of either prophets or apostles. These terms were obviously used by Muhammad to appeal to Jews and Christians.

Muhammad continued to have spiritual visitations. They would throw him into a trance, and his utterances during the trances were written down by scribes. These ethereal statements became the Qur’an, but they were not compiled until after Muhammad’s death. When the compilation was made, the utterances were not organized either chronologically or by subject matter. The result was a jumble of disorganized and often incoherent sayings which are frequently contradictory.

For example, the Qur’an gives four conflicting accounts of Muhammad’s call to be a prophet [the word, Sura, means chapter]:

1. Suras 53 and 81 — God, or Allah as he is called in Arabic, personally appeared to Muhammad.
2. Suras 16 and 26 — The call was from the Holy Spirit.
3. Sura 15 — Angels issued the call.
4. Sura 2 — Gabriel was the one who appeared to him.
 
 
 
Muhammad’s Revelations
At the time Muhammad received his initial visitation, there were over 300 gods being worshiped in Mecca by pilgrims who came there each year to pray at the Ka’aba, a small cubic building that housed a black meteorite and effigies of the various gods. One of those gods was Hubal — or Allah, the Moon-god.

Muhammad proclaimed that there was only one god — and he selected Allah as that god. That’s the reason the crescent moon became the symbol of Islam. Muhammad also proclaimed that he was the prophet of Allah.

Initially, Muhammad expected both Jews and Christians to receive his new revelation. Thus, early passages in the Qur’an speak admiringly of “the people of the Book.” These are the passages that Muslims in the West quote in their effort to prove that Islam is a tolerant religion. An example is Sura 5:82 which says, “You will find that those who are nearest in love to the believers [Muslims] are those who say, ‘We are Christians.'”
 
 
 
Muhammad’s Rejection
But when Jews and Christians rejected Muhammad, he turned fiercely against them, and later passages in the Qur’an speak of them disparagingly:

  • Sura 5:51 commands Muslims not to take Jews and Christians as friends.
  • Sura 9:29 commands Muslims to fight against Jews and Christians until they either submit to Allah or else agree to pay a special tax.
  • Sura 2:65-66 and Sura 5:60 contain references to Jews as “apes and swine to be despised and rejected.”

Jews and Christians were not the only ones who rejected Muhammad’s new revelations. The people of his own tribe, the Quraysh, also rejected him. In response, Muhammad succumbed to the temptation to appease his tribe by announcing that it would be okay for them to worship the three daughters of Allah — named Al-Lat, Al-Uzza, and Ma­nat.

This declaration led to the infamous “Satanic verses” of the Qur’an which were later deleted when Muhammad reverted back to monotheism. Muslims have tried ever since to cover-up this diversion from the faith. In 1989 an Indian writer by the name of Salman Rushdie brought up this taboo topic when he wrote a novel entitled, “The Satanic Verses”. The Ayatollah Khomeini of Iran condemned him and called for his assassination. A three million dollar bounty was placed on his head, and he has been in hiding ever since.
 
 
 
Muhammad’s Trek
The opposition to Muhammad in his home town of Mecca continued to grow until he was forced to flee 250 miles to Medina where his message was received. The Islamic calendar dates from this year when Muhammad fled to Medina and found a receptive audience, resulting in the formal establishment of Islam as a religion. It was the year 622 A.D., and that date represents year one of the Muslim calendar, which is a lunar calendar. The year 2001 is the year 1422 in the Muslim dating system.

After the death of his wife, Muhammad married at least eleven other women (some sources place the total as high as sixteen). He also took several concubines. He married one girl who was only six years old and had sexual relations with her when she was nine. According to the Qur’an, only the prophet could have unlimited wives. All other Muslim men are limited to four (Sura 4:3).

Muhammad died on June 8, 632 A.D. in Medina at age 63. He left no successor, and Islam soon broke into warring sects such as the Shiites and the Sunnis.
 
 
 
The Spread of Islam
All of those who survived Muhammad took up the sword, as directed by the Qur’an, and devoted themselves to advancing Islam through military might. The resulting spread of the religion was phenomenal. Within a century, Islamic forces had conquered Saudi Arabia, the entire Middle East, Central Asia, and large parts of India. The armies raged through Egypt and across North Africa, destroying corrupt Byzantine Christianity in their path.

In 710 A.D. the Islamic armies crossed the Straits of Gibral­tar and quickly conquered three-fourths of Spain and Portugal. They then invaded France and took one-third of the nation. They were 125 miles from Paris when they were miraculously defeated at the Battle of Poitiers (also known as the Battle of Tours) in 732 A.D. by a French army led by Charles Martel. Their influence in Spain lived on for a few more centuries before they were slowly driven back to North Africa.

A second powerful attempt to subjugate all of Europe was made 900 years later in the 17th Century when the Turks began to expand their Ottoman Empire. They took Greece, Yugosla­via, Bulgaria, and parts of Romania and Hungary. By 1683 they had reached the gates of Vienna where once again the Western forces won a miraculous victory against overwhelming odds.

Following this second attempt to conquer Europe, Islam fell into a state of depression and stagnation until it was awakened in the 20th Century due to several factors:

  1. The Amassing of Great Wealth — due to the discovery of vast reservoirs of oil in Arab lands.
  2. The Re-establishment of the Nation of Israel — interpreted by Islamic clerics like Khomeini as a judgment of Allah due to Islamic stagnation and apostasy.
  3. The Positioning of U.S. Armed Forces — the placement during the 1990’s of American troops throughout the Middle East in response to the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait.
  4. The Encroachment of Western Culture into the Muslim World — due to the penetration of Western movies, television programs, and consumer goods.

 
 
 
The Cultural Nature of Islam
The encroachment of Western culture cannot be stressed too much. It seems trivial to most Westerners, but that is because of the failure to understand that Islam is a cultural religion that deifies 7th Century Arabian culture.

Westerners tend to view religion as something intensely personal and private, and not as a cultural phenomenon. For example, Christianity is “supra-cultural” in that it allows people to live, dress and eat in accordance with the culture in which they exist. This is not so with Islam. In Islam, there is no “secular realm” that is free of religion. Islam regulates every aspect of life to the point that religion, politics, and culture are inseparable. Islam is thus fueled by a subtle form of racism in which 7th Century Arab culture is to be imposed upon all other cultures.
 
 
 
Some examples of the cultural nature of Islam:
Political Structure — The tribalism of 7th Century Arabia is the political structure sanctioned by the Qur’an. The chief has absolute authority. There is no concept of civil rights. This principle is reflected today in the reality that all Islamic countries are ruled by dictators, and civil liberties, like freedom of speech and religion, do not exist.

Prayer — A Muslim is required to pray five times a day toward Mecca. This is a symbol of the underlying cultural imperialism that lies at the heart of Islam. Think of it — what if all Russian Orthodox throughout the world were required to pray toward Moscow? Or, if all Roman Catholics were required to face Rome when they prayed? What if Evangelical Christians were required to pray toward Jerusalem? Such requirements would imply a cultural attachment to the focal point of prayer.

Pilgrimage — A Muslim is required, despite the hardship and cost, to make a pilgrimage to Mecca in Saudi Arabia once in his lifetime. Again, what if all Christians were required to go to Rome once in their lifetimes?

Dietary Laws — The only foods allowable are those that were acceptable in 7th Century Arabia.

Women — What an illiterate, nomadic tribeswoman wore in the desert in 7th Century Arabia is what is mandated for Muslim women today. The plight of women in Islamic countries today is despicable. They can be kept prisoners in their homes. They cannot appear in public without a covering. They are usually denied the right to vote. They are often denied anything more than a rudimentary education. In strict Islamic countries, women are generally treated as sub-human. Sura 4:34 says, “Men are the managers of the affairs of women … Those women who are rebellious — admonish them, banish them to their couches, and beat them.”

Punishment — Cruel and unusual punishment is practiced throughout the Islamic world. Incarceration without due process is common. Punishments often include torture, the cutting off of body parts (hands, ears and tongues), the gouging out of eyes, beheading, and public flogging — all representative of 7th Century Arabian culture.

The Qur’an specifically commands that those who disobey Allah are to be tortured, as commanded in Sura 8:12-14:
“I will strike terror into the hearts of those who disbelieved. Smite them above the necks, and strike even every finger. This is what they have justly incurred by resisting Allah and his messenger. For those who resist Allah and his messenger, Allah’s retribution is severe. This is to punish the disbelievers; they have incurred the retribution of hell.”

Time magazine recently presented a chilling summary of the cultural nature of Islam as it is evidenced in the “moderate” Islamic nation of Saudi Arabia:

Despite the modernization that took place after the discovery of oil reserves in 1938, Saudi Arabia remains a land where rigid religious and traditional values are strictly enforced. Cinemas and discos are outlawed; men and women are separated in banks, schools, and fast-food restaurants; women must wear veils and are forbidden to drive. Public decency police known as “Muttawa” comb shopping malls searching for women whose loose scarves reveal a curl of hair and forcing store owners to shut down during prayer times. Unforgiving Saudi justice is on view after the main prayer every Friday, when a swordsman beheads blindfolded murderers, sorcerers, drug smugglers, and other criminals in Riyadh’s “Chop-chop Square.”
 
 
 
The Spiritual Nature of Islam
Islam is a typical works salvation religion centered around a false god. Its fundamental tenets deny the heart of the Christian Gospel, revealing its demonic origin.

The Qur’an — As previously pointed out, the holy book of Islam is riddled with contradictions. Consider, for example, what it says about creation. In one place it asserts that Allah created everything in “the twinkling of an eye” as stated in Sura 54:49-50:
“Everything we created is precisely measured. Our commands are done within the blink of an eye.”

Elsewhere it says that the time period of the creation was two days as stated in Sura 41:9 and Sura 41:12:
“41:9 Say (O Muhammad, unto the idolaters): Disbelieve ye verily in Him Who created the earth in two Days, and ascribe ye unto Him rivals ? He (and none else) is the Lord of the Worlds.”

“41:12 Then He ordained them seven heavens in two Days and inspired in each heaven its mandate; and We decked the nether heaven with lamps, and rendered it inviolable. That is the measuring of the Mighty, the Knower.”

In four days:
“41:10 He placed therein firm hills rising above it, and blessed it and measured therein its sustenance in four Days…”

In six days:
Sura 7:54 – “Your Lord is Allah Who created the heavens and the earth in six Days, then mounted He the Throne”

Sura 10:3 – “Your Lord is Allah Who created the heavens and the earth in six Days”

Sura 32:4 – “Allah is the One who created the heavens and the earth, and everything between them in six days”

In “a day equaling 1,000 years”:
Sura 32:5 – “To Him, the day is equivalent to one thousand of your years.”

And also in “50,000 years”:
Sura 70:4 – “Whereby the angels and the Spirit ascend unto him in a day whereof the span is fifty thousand years.”

That’s a total of six different time periods.

The Qur’an contains many scientific errors. A crude example is found in Sura 18:8-86 where it says that Alexander the Great followed the setting of the sun and discovered that it went down into the waters of a muddy spring.

The Qur’an is also full of historical errors. It presents Mary the mother of Jesus as the sister of Moses and Aaron (obiously confusing her with their sister, Miriam). The Noahic flood is placed in the time of Moses, and the claim is made that one of Noah’s sons refused to enter the Ark and was drowned.

The Qur’an also pictures Abraham as offering Ishmael as a sacrifice in Mecca, whereas the Biblical account has Abraham offering Isaac on Mt. Moriah in the area that would later become the heart of Jerusalem.

God — The Qur’an asserts that the god of Islam is the God of Christians and Jews as claimed in Sura 29:46:
“Do not argue with the people of the scripture (Jews, Christians, and Muslims) except in the nicest possible manner – unless they transgress – and say, ‘We believe in what was revealed to us and in what was revealed to you, and our god and your god is one and the same; to him we are submitters.'”

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

The god of Islam – Allah is most definitely not the God of the Bible. Allah is presented in the Qur’an as an autocratic ruler who is aloof and arbitrary as stated in Sura 5:40:
“Do you not know that Allah possesses the sovereignty of the heavens and the earth? He punishes whomever He wills, and forgives whomever He wills. Allah is Omnipotent.”

Allah is unknowable whereas the God of the Bible is knowable as stated in 2 Timothy 1:12:
“For I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day.”

Allah is impersonal, unlike the personal God the Scriptures reveal in 1 Peter 5:6-7:
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

Here is what the Qur’an says about the God of the Bible in Sura 4:171:
“Believe in Allah and say not ‘Trinity.’ Cease! It is better for you! Allah is only one god. Far is it removed from his transcendent majesty that he should have a son.”

Allah is capricious as stated in Sura 2:284:
“To Allah belongs everything in the heavens and the earth. Whether you declare your innermost thoughts, or keep them hidden, Allah holds you responsible for them. He forgives whomever he wills, and punishes whomever he wills. Allah is omnipotent.”

Whereas the God of the Bible is trustworthy. Nowhere is Allah presented as a god of love — which is the essence of the nature of the God of the Bible as stated in 1 John 4:7-16:
“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is Love. This is how God showed His love among us:
He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is Love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us.

We know that we live in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent His Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.”

Jesus — The Qur’an denies point blank that Jesus was the Son of God in Sura 112:2-3:
“The Absolute god. Never did he beget. Nor was he begotten.”

It also denies His atoning sacrifice by claiming that he never died in Sura 4:157:
“And for claiming that they killed the Messiah, Jesus, son of Mary, the Messenger of God. In fact, they never killed Him, they never crucified Him – they were made to think that they did. All factions who are disputing in this matter are full of doubt concerning this issue. They possess no knowledge; they only conjecture. For certain, they never killed Him.”

 
Sin – There is no concept of sin in Islam and therefore no need for forgiveness. Shame replaces sin. Everything is a matter of honor verses dishonor. In the Muslim view, man does not need redemption, he only needs some guidance so that he might develop the inherently pure nature with which the creator has endowed him.
 
Ethics – The situation determines the appropriate action, not a standard of right and wrong. As an example, Al Ghazzali (1058 – 1111), one of the greatest Muslim theologians, wrote: “Know that a lie is not wrong in itself. If a lie is the only way of obtaining a good result, it is permissible. We must lie when truth leads to unpleasant results.”

The Qur’an sanctions revenge in Sura 2:194:
“If anyone transgresses … against you, transgress likewise against him”.
 
Salvation – Islam is a religion of works. One obtains favor with Allah by performing the five pillars of the faith:[*]* Reciting the creed that there is one god, Allah, and his prophet is Muhammad.

  • Praying five times a day toward Mecca.
  • Giving alms to the poor.
  • Fasting from sunrise to sunset one month a year during the month of Ramadan.
  • Making a pilgrimage to Mecca.

Another way to reach Paradise is to die fighting for Allah as stated in Sura 3:157-158:
“Whether you get killed or die in the cause of Allah, the forgiveness from Allah, and mercy are far better than anything they hoard. Whether you die or get killed, you will be summoned before Allah.”

Islam is so works oriented that it teaches that good deeds cancel bad ones as in Sura 11:114:
“You shall observe the Contact Prayers (Salat) at both ends of the day, and during the night. The righteous works wipe out the evil works. This is a reminder for those who would take heed.”

In contrast to all this emphasis on works, the Biblical Word of God teaches that it is impossible to earn salvation because it is a gift of God’s grace that is received through faith in Jesus as Lord and Savior as stated in Ephesians 2:8-10:
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works [that we do], so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do [for Him].”
 
Heaven — The Islamic Paradise is a place of sensual pleasure consisting of gluttonous feasts and endless sex orgies:

Sura 52:17-24 –
“The righteous have deserved gardens and bliss. They enjoy what their lord has reserved for them; their lord has spared them the retribution of hell. Eat and drink happily, in return for your works. They relax on luxurious furnishings, and we match them with beautiful spouses. For those who believed, and their children also followed them in belief, we will have their children join them. We never fail to reward them for any work. Every person is paid for what he did. We will supply them with fruits and meats that they love. They will enjoy drinks that are never polluted, and never sinful to drink. Serving them will be servants like protected pearls.”

Sura 55:54-56 –
“While relaxing on furnishings lined with satin, the fruits are within reach. Which of your Lord’s marvels can you deny? Their beautiful mates were never touched by any human or jinn.”

Sura 78:32-34 –
“Orchards and grapes. Magnificent spouses. Delicious drinks.”

It is interesting to note that Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world today. Popular grounds of recruitment are commonly found in prisons and low-income neighborhoods. Could the idea of eternal orgies and feasts be a primary attraction for life-long criminals, and the poor to so easily convert to Islam?


Islam is a scary and terrible thing. Muslims are not peaceful and they don’t want to fit in. They want to control the world. It is a socio-poltical fascist movement disguised as a religion. God doesn’t need you to take anything back for him…He’s GOD! It’s already his!

This is from an older entry over at OpenDiary I used to have.


Posted 6/2/2013 at 12:45 PM on Xanga

The Writing Process: A Sunrie Guide

The Writing Process
A Sunrie Guide

 
The writing process can be a long, tedious, or even scary experience if you aren’t prepared for it. Many people find they wish they could write, but end up with severe writer’s block, or worse yet, they simply don’t have the talent. Fear not! For with this guide, Sunrie shall teach you how to write like a pro! Before you know it, you’ll be writing so much you won’t know how you ever got any work done.
 
 
1. Get Relaxed
The most important thing you can do for yourself as a writer is be relaxed. There’s nothing worse than being tense when sitting down to put your deep thoughts, as shallow as they may be, down on paper. Make sure you have a comfortable chair and either music which will stimulate those creative juices or absolute quiet, whichever you prefer. If you just can’t seem to get relaxed, step 2 just may help with that.
 
 
2. Get Wasted and/or Masturbate
Get yourself some booze and rub one out. Doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, just rub one out. Whatever kind of alcohol you want is what you’ll be using. I don’t care if it’s beer or tequila, just start downing the stuff. Hell, you can even rub one out while drinking for all I care.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “But, Sunrie…does alcohol really help with the writing process?”. The answer is, “Duh!” Ever drunk text someone or had someone drunk text you? Exactly. You get all kinds of ideas and write all kinds of shit when you’re wasted. It’s not going to matter if things are typed out all crazy right now. You can fix all of that later.
 
 
3. Get an Idea
If you’re having to write something demanded by a teacher, you shouldn’t be having issues with this as it is. After all, you know what you’re supposed to write about, then why aren’t you writing? Well…if you’re like me, you hate being told what to write and end up with brain lock on the subject. However, that is what the copious amounts of booze and masturbation is for.

You don’t need an idea to start off with thanks to step 2 if you don’t already have a topic given to you. Now that you’re good and wasted, or even sexually satisfied, it’s time to think of an idea. If you’re drunk, this comes pretty easy, but if you just got done spanking yourself, it may be a little more difficult. I can’t help give you ideas, but I can tell you what not to write about:

1. Zombies
2. A Writing Guide
3. Midgets
4. Liberal Propaganda
5. What You Had to Eat
6. The Fact You Just Fucked Yourself

Now, that’s not a full and complete list, obviously, but it’s a start of what you should be avoiding. Moving on!
 
 
4. Putting It All Down
This shouldn’t be difficult at this point, especially if you’re wasted. Just start typing what comes to mind. You’re going to edit this all later, so it’s all good in the hood.

Just start writing what comes to your head. Fuck all the need for correct grammar, structure, chronology, or even punctuation. If you don’t spill your thoughts down on paper now while you can still remember them, you’re going be screwed. Hell, if this is a critical paper you must write for a class, you might end up having to spew your brains out all over the walls. Wait…what am I saying…most of you “writers” out there aren’t armed…

Remember, you aren’t actually a pro, you’re just going to be writing like you were one, and all the greats write this way. Do you really think Tom Clancy or Stephen King don’t sit down with a glass of alcohol and just start writing? Seriously, if you do, then you’ve obviously never read any of their books. Tom Clancy’s writings are about as predictably paced and standardized as you can ever imagine and Stephen King’s writings can only come from someone wasted off their ass. Though, to be fair to Stephen King, he was using some awesome psychedelic drugs when he first started, but has cut back to hard booze, and his newer writings show.
 
 
5. Fix and Edit
Okay, you did it! You managed to spew all your thoughts onto the page and have completed what you wanted. At this point, you can either leave it, as I suggest, or you can go ahead and edit everything around to make more sense. The choice is yours.
 
 
Congratulations! Now all you need to do is repeat the process for each time you want or need to write. Get out there, next superstar of writing!


Posted 1/7/2013 at 4:16 AM on Xanga

How I plan to survive the zombie apocolypse

Sure some people think about it jokingly, but do you really have a plan?  I sure as hell do, and I guarantee you that unlike the vast majority of people out there, my plan is actually going to keep me safe.  Why? Because I have enough sense to think in advance the problems there will be.  Here are a few of the points in my Zombie Apocalypse Plan.
 
 
1. Preparedness and Awareness
First off, I’m pretty well plugged in to what is going on.  I won’t be hanging out and acting like the characters in Shaun of the Dead.  No way.  Unlike them, I’m a perceptive son-of-a-bitch and will instantly know that there are zombies beginning to appear.  Yeah, kind of like a boy scout, but a man, a manly man who’s out to kick ass. A LOT of ass, actually.

The vast majority of people tend to be surprised when they see a cop on the freeway.  Why?  Because they don’t pay attention.  Nope, not me.  I’m always looking up, out, and around.  I usually spot cops and accidents WAY before everyone else comes up on them.  Yeah, I’m that guy.

Now, I’m not saying that I have a huge storage of food, water, toilet paper, or any of that kind of paranoid, pussy crap.  No!  I am mentally prepared, which is better than being regular prepared because I said so.  If you’re ready to do what it takes mentally, then you have what it takes to get shit done.  This brings me up to the next part of my plan.
 
 
2. Fit Mind and Body
<Keeanu Reeve’s voice>I know Kung Fu.</Keeanu Reeve’s voice> Well, okay, I know a few mixes of martial arts.  Hand to hand combat is essential for being able to stop a Zombie trying to eat your face at close range.

Know what else martial arts is good for?  Well, balance for one, and focus for another.  Being able to remain calm in a situation where someone or something is trying to kill you is key.  You don’t want to panic.  I won’t panic.  See, I can think at least one step ahead of the zombie, which probably isn’t thinking very much at all.

Another thing I have going for me is working out.  I do quite a bit of cardiovascular exercises and I lift weights.  I might not be huge, but I’m in better shape than most of you out there.  It’s kind of like out running a bear: I only have to run faster and longer than the person next to me.  Funny as it sounds, the movie Zombie Land had it right when he said his number one rule was cardio.  The fatties will definitely be the first to go.

Hell, think about it…would you keep chasing after an elk if it dropped a one pound hamburger with all your favorite fixings?  Well, I probably would only because I love the taste of elk meat, but I would pick up that burger on the way to do so.  If the elk is lucky enough, by the time I finish picking up the burger, I’ve lost it’s trail.  I will SO use you for that distraction, Fatty McFat Fat!

I know, I know, I know…you’re probably thinking, “Yeah, well, when someone is trying to eat your face ‘Crouching Tiger’ turns into ‘Crapping Pants’!  If you were getting eaten by a lion, you’d probably be freaking out.”  That’s true.  I’m not going to pretend otherwise.  This brings me to the other point of my plan.
 
 
3. Knowledge and Skill with Weapons
I like guns.  I own guns.  I know how to use guns effectively.  What’s the point of owning guns or running around with a gun if you can’t use it correctly?

My plan is to not only use my guns to my advantage, but use them smart.  How is that?  Well, first of all, don’t just spray and pray.  Only taking shots I know that I can make.

There are a few key notes when dealing with a zombie.  First off, they are like a human on PCP.  That is, they keep getting up and forcing themselves to move even when an arm or other limb is destroyed.  Zombies are always put down when shot in the head.  Head shots from a distance, especially with a pistol is very difficult.  Pistol shots should be reserved for extremely close quarters.

When a zombie is rushing and a pistol shot isn’t going to be a good idea, then go with the shotgun full of buck shot.  While slugs will offer more knock down power, they’re more like a rifle, meaning you have to be much more accurate.  Buck shot offers more shredding power, especially for a head shot.

For medium range, switch over to a good assault rifle.  The ability to riddle a zombie with bullets is nice and all, but you want to conserve your ammunition.  The real reason you want a good assault rifle is for crowd control.  Unlike in video games, one shotgun blast isn’t going to take down five zombies at a time.  A good AR is going to allow you to sweep a group, hopefully tagging each one close to the head or at least making them stagger.

What about a long range attack?  I WILL NOT DO IT!  What’s the point?  The zombies are going to be attracted by the noise of a battle anyway, and the worst thing I can think of is attracting more than I need to.  Why in the world would I try sniping zombies who are over two hundred yards away?  Sneaking is a much better option.

Close range combat is the biggest bitch of them all, but not the end of your life!  Remember what I said about zombies getting put down permanently when you destroy the brain?  Yep, that’s right, I’ll get a good melee weapon.

The staple of every zombie defense is the chainsaw.  However, there is one huge issue I see with using a chainsaw, and that is the noise it creates.  Also, you will run out of gas eventually.  Even if it’s powered by electricity, you aren’t in for a lot of killing, since you’re limited by your extension cord.  Not to mention the start up time.

See, I have swords…lots of swords.  I have two in particular which are made for actual combat.  I also have baseball bats.  Hell, I don’t even have to get my hands on any of those.  Anything is a good enough weapon if you’re thinking, which I know how to do, obviously.

Rock on the ground?  Pick it up and bash some skulls!  Is there a construction site nearby?  Well, grab yourself some wooden planks, hammers, wrenches, what have you and you’re set.  I think about this, which is why I’m going to survive.

Oh, and going back to that crowd thing…let me bring up my next point on how I plan to survive the coming Zombie Apocalypse.
 
 
4. Steer clear of the crowds
You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Run to the mall!” or even “Get to the gun store!”, but more than likely, “Get out of town!”

That is exactly why ~I~ am going to survive the Zombie Apocalypse and you are going to die!

I’m not saying to be a hermit.  Absolutely not.  What I’m saying is to be smart about things.  I understand that while the world is being eaten around everyone, they are going to panic.  When people panic, people get stupid, when people get stupid, they think less than they already do.  What will end up happening is everyone getting on the roads at  the same time.  One man’s traffic jam is a zombie’s buffet.  I also know how to ride a motorcycle both on and off road, which will aid me in maneuvering around everyone else.

Thanks to zombie films, people will want to rush over to the mall.  Doing so will be a fatal flaw in many people’s plans.  Since people are going to be rushing there, they will undoubtedly leave doors open, break open windows, and crowd together for a nice meal-in-a-box.  It’ll be the restaurant of zombie choice.  So, no thank you!

I had brought up how I will have some firearms with me in the previous part of my plan. Well, you’re stupid for thinking that you’re going to rush over to a gun store and just take some guns.  People who sell guns generally like guns, own guns, and know how to use guns.  They aren’t going to let you take their life line from them!  I sure as hell wouldn’t.  More than likely, you’ll have your face shot off before you even make it to the front door.  Besides, even if you do make it to the front door, what makes you think they’ll just let you in?

My plan is to know where my safer locations are and give it a few if I get caught up in the shit of it.  Once things start to calm down a little bit, I can move around much more safely and freely.  I’m not stupid enough to go up into the high country towns for some mountain living, either.  Nope, I’m good enough to survive in some of the deeper mines and caves in this state.  After getting a few essentials at some sport shops, I’ll be all hooked up.  Oh, and don’t confuse me with someone stupid enough to cook out in the open where the zombies can see the smoke and smell the food.
 
 
5. Final Survival Length
Well, I’d give myself until they all starved to death, except for one huge issue.  As one of my buddies once stated, he gives me a year before I remember that the H1Z3 virus is a sexually transmitted disease, and I catch it.

I mean, you’d eventually hit that ass to the right, too…right?

 
 


Obama: “They aren’t zombies, they are enemy eaters!”


Posted 4/27/2010 at 3:25 PM on Xanga

How To Troll: A Sunrie Guide

Yes, trolling. It’s an art. There’s a fine line between trolling, being a complete waste of bandwidth, and just looking like the pathetic moron that you are. However, do not fret, my friends! For with “Sunrie’s Guide to Trolling” you will multiple ways of being an effective Internet troll. This lesson, like all firsts tastes, is completely free! We’ll start off with the basics and then go on to specific types of trolls with brief overviews of each.
 
 
Trolling Basics

1. Communication
First and foremost, to be an effective troll, you must be able to communicate well. While this may seem counter intuitive to some, the effective troll knows how to get the intended reaction with well placed communication. This may be done with what appears to be terrible typing skills, deplorable grammar and syntax, abysmal spelling, or even with near perfect grammar, syntax, typing skills, and spelling. No matter what you choose, make sure that you’re doing it well.
 
 
2. Conducting Yourself Versus One/Multiple
Now, what you don’t want to do is go in with guns blazing at your intended target(s). Too many would be trolls make the mistake of going all out right away. You should avoid direct, instant insults to the target(s). For instance, if your target is talking about how many books s/he has read in the year so far, don’t go in there like this:

These books are fucking retarded just like you! Stupid cunt/assmunch! Fuck you!

It’s not effective and is only going to get you blocked. No one will care what you think when you go in like this. What you want to do is more of the following:

Who cares? This is what you’re doing with your time? Certainly explains a lot!

Why? Well, what you “asked” first is probably what 90% of all the other people reading what the target(s) have written anyway. The second and third part insinuate you, and possibly others, see the target(s) as stupid or uneducated in things outside the books, which is probably true. There will be a few people who will start a flame war against you trying to defend the target(s) and the target(s) will most like try to defend themselves, resulting in them looking more like a tool. This is your goal.
 
 
3. Conducting Yourself Versus Multiple
Now, if you’re going after multiple targets there are a few ways of going about it. One way is doing so from your own website or from a topic in which you create. Another way of doing it is by hijacking a topic created by another user, chatline, etc. Both are performed essentially the same and this is a very effective way to annoy or piss off many people at once.

Again, you won’t want to go in firing off everything at once. You need a little bit of subtlety with this. Here’s an example of what not to do:

Look at all the fucking retards here. Someone call the bitch police, because there’s nothing except for fucktards here!

You’ll just get ignored by the majority of the people. Sure one or two people will try to bitch back at you, but they, too, will mostly likely get kicked and/or banned. You need some finesse with this. What do I mean? Well, let’s say you’re in a chatline or an entry with a large group of people of the same mind set and all they are doing is jacking each other off about how smart they all are and how much they all agree with each other. You’ll want to call attention to that, but in an easy way:

Is everyone going to just stand around hugging each other? When you crybabies are done with the group therapy, let’s get to some big-boy talk.

Not only are you letting them know they are just going around and around with no actual thought, but you’re implying their intelligence is on par with a preschooler. Again, this is probably true.
 
 
4. Adding Shock Value
A really good way to do this is to start your own topic and make claims that are just enough to be believable. While you might not actually believe, say, absolutely every Muslim is a Jew beating, day care center bombing terrorist (no matter how true), you’re going to want to make statements which lead people to believe you do.

You don’t want to make the entire topic that outrageous, of course. There has to be a lot of other things which are completely believable and actually reflect your views, in a reasonable way, sprinkled through out. An example? Well, you just had one in the previous paragraph. Here it is emphasized for the slower learners:

While you might not actually believe, say, absolutely every Muslim is a Jew beating, day care center bombing terrorist (no matter how true), you’re going to want to make statements which lead people to believe you do.

The highlighted area is what I’m talking about. See how everything up until that point is somewhat reasonable and believable? Another example is when I made an entry about just saying Merry Christmas. I told people I would make up the letter to the Xanga staff for them. Here it is (bold sections are done as they were originally):

Dear Xanga Administration,This is about a user named Sunrie. He expresses an opinion which greatly differs from mine and that offends me. Like, greatly offends me. It offends me so bad that I cried harder than an African woman who just watched her entire family get carpet bombed in a tribe war.

Can you please delete his account? I believe that we should all have the right to say and feel the way that I think is the right way, and if you don’t then you should be removed. Thank you, I greatly appreciate it.

Sincerely,

(Put your Username)

P.S. If you don’t do this, then I will write an entry about how you guys don’t care about anyone. Thanks!

Do you see where the shock value is added up in there? Not only am I implying they are simply being moronic for being upset at a differing opinion, but the comment of “…I cried harder than an African woman who just watched her entire family get carpet bombed in a tribe war…” is there to make the reader offended and shocked…hence the purpose of shock value.
 
 
5. Stringing Along
This can be easy or hard depending on your trolling skills. If your bait is good enough, then you will have your target(s) on the line and you can just start reeling them in. With everything learned up until this point, you will want to continue doing it. Don’t start going overboard with insults or claims. You can make or break a great deal of effort here. The last thing you want to do is ruin what you have going.

If done right, you can have this go on for hours, days, weeks, or even months. A good example of keeping a fish on the line is here in two of my entries: Running the Poodle Parade and Psycho at MySpace. The Psycho at MySpace is a great example of being able to keep someone talking and coming back while you’re making outrageous claims against them.

What generally will happen is your target(s) will try their hardest to put you in your place, while trying to make themselves look better, and they just won’t let it go. Ideally you will sucker in someone else to join in the conversation because you and your target(s) are going at it for so long. They will feel the need to throw their hat into the ring, not realizing they are getting trolled along with your original target(s). Good job if you do this! It is most effective in a forum or chatline.
 
 
Types of Trolls

Now that you have a small understanding of the basics, it’s time to decide what kind of troll you want to be. Even though there are a few choices, most troll types are sub-species, and so I won’t list them here.
 
 
1. Sock Puppet
This type of troll creates doubt and arguments within the community at large. They enter into a conversation with a seemingly genuine interest in the subject matter while also criticizing the other people’s views. Xanga liberals and atheists are prime examples of this. They typically post up a bunch of brainwashed, inane bullshit in order to get their “enemies” to be upset. An example of how to start this type of trolling is the following:

I really like Singer X, but do you think s/he is strong with Song Types Y?

 
 
2. Newbie Sneaks
A type of troll who pretends to be new to either the subject matter or the workings of a site/game. The goal is to act as innocent as possible while creating a very hostile environment for everyone helping, thus getting others to start flinging insults. When this happens, the troll then starts pointing out how mean the target(s) is/are while keeping up the charade of the victim.
 
 
3. Flame Baiters
What everyone generally thinks of when the word troll is spoken. The troll does everything to get other people riled up and flinging insults at, not only the troll, but eventually each other as well. The discussion will eventually dive into a full fledged flame war, which is only put to an end when a moderator or administrator steps in and either bans users, or locks the topic.
 
 
4. Colluding Trolls
How to explain…basically a troll with no personal vendetta or target(s) and simply trolls because another troll is…well…trolling. Think of these trolls as something akin to ronin, or master less samurai. Even though that is an insult to ronin everywhere, it’s pretty much the same. The troll is out to cause problems, sees another troll causing problems, and joins in to help.

The colluding troll can either be doing so in order to take over the roll of main troll or can even try to make it seem like more people think the way the initial troll does. Said troll can eventually bring in so many other trolls entire communities, blogs, or servers can be shut down because of it. Colluding trolls aren’t talentless, just aimless.
 
 
Think Before You Troll!

I probably should have post this part earlier, but what do I care? I couldn’t care less about you people. You aren’t as good as I am, so don’t try to copy me.

With that said, you really should think before you troll. Don’t be a dumb ass about it. The last thing you want to do is have all your personal information and private life out there for people to pick apart. Granted, most of the time when people do such, they’re just being idiots grasping at straws, but do you really want to deal with it?

A great example of listing the personal information and private life of a troll in a good way was done by ItIsAllGravy on his entry listed here: Think Before You Troll. Without giving away too much of the entry, ItIsAllGravy basically throws it all out about the troll Explosive. Go read the entry, it’s great.

Explosive is a prime example of a failure as a troll. She has too much information about herself out there, doesn’t know how to be subtle, and just goes after the wrong people. Good job, dipshit, you made it on my entry as a bad example. At least you aren’t a complete waste. Oh, and ItIsAllGravy, keep it up, man!

Get On Out There!

Great! You have a basic understanding of how to troll and you have a list of trolling types. What are you waiting for?

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Posted 5/2/2011 at 2:53 AM on Xanga