Domestic Violence – Cure Has Been Found!

This is great! Like two scoops or raisins!
The greatest news from specialists at the “Mayo Labs” has been released yesterday, and we’re glad to be one of the first people to bring it to you, thanks to use completely disregarding our NDA!

Since the beginning of time, or rather 1994 in America, we’ve been doing everything we can to end domestic violence by calling attention to it with special laws. We’ve originally believed the issue was deep routed psychological issues, or even a learned behavior from previous generations. All the research in the world didn’t seem to help. That is until now! What is this miracle cure which is guaranteed to stop any and all domestic violence? Here it is:

Shut the Fuck Up!

Yep. That’s it! Think about how simple an instruction this is. You’d think everything would be much more complicated, but the facts prove it really isn’t. Checking with current and former domestic violence victims we can see everything stems from not just keeping their mouth shut unless asked directly for a response…and even then it might be better to just shut up.

The Core Principle
At its core the principle is simple and yet complicated. As human beings, we’re conditioned to speak with others and even provide responses. Those of us who have been wronged are often found trying to find defense with our words. This faulted evolutionary trait must be fought and controlled if we are to continue to evolve as a species while also ending domestic violence.

Imagine this scenario:
Your husband/boyfriend/brother/guy friend comes home and he’s already in a bad mood. He has a history of knocking in your teeth for being a “disrespectful bitch” and he is expecting, not only a nice dinner, but a deep vacuum of the entire place. You managed to get a 100% perfect job on vacuuming the carpet, but the broccoli is slightly cold in the middle, meaning you didn’t cook it well enough.

Man – “What the fuck is this?!”
You – “Dinner…”
Man – “No! THIS IS SHIT! It’s FROZEN in the middle!”
You – “I did it the way…”

Suddenly he jumps across the table and punches your stupid face into the ground.

This was your fault. You didn’t keep your mouth shut! You shouldn’t have said anything.

Now let’s look at how you should have handled the same situation, but keeping your mouth shut:

Man – “What the fuck is this?!”
You – “…”
Man – “You fucking IGNORING ME?!”
You – “…”
Man – “YOU DISRESPECTFUL BITCH!”

Suddenly he jumps across the table, grabs you by the throat for a second and then stops sighing.

Man – “At least you did the fucking vacuuming! I’m going out for dinner. Eat your shit or starve!”

He then leaves, bangs a random bar slut, gets an STD, and then fucks your brains out later that night to assert his dominance. You are in a much better position this time!

Psychology of the Cure
The only psychology involved is your own. Keeping your mouth shut takes tremendous mental strength. By doing exercises such as no longer speaking to friends and family nor communicating with anyone at all, you can eventually learn to keep your mouth shut unless specifically asked to respond. Even when asked to respond, you should know exactly what is expected of you. This can take years, so getting out of the relationship just because you’re weak is ill advised.

Testimonials from the Participants
We’ve acquired some testimonials from participants of the original study for your reading pleasure. You’ll see the subject’s names and read their experience with it all, including how long it lasted before hand.


Name: Sarah McKennis
Nationality: Irish
Current Residence: Missouri
Results According to Subject:
My husband, Mitchell, was one of the hardest hitters I had ever been with. He would beat me until I would fall unconscious constantly. No matter what the conversation was about, it would end with me getting slugged in the face like it was there for visible punctuation. The exclamation marks were his favorite. His cock though…oh my god! It’s the biggest reason I didn’t leave him, and besides, I’m a strong woman and not a quitter.

When I heard of this study I told Mitchell. “GOOD!” he told me and busted my face open so deeply I ended up with six staples across my face from biting a hole in my own face. I didn’t even wait for my mistake to heal and went straight to the study.

How are things now? Well, I’ve learned to keep my mouth closed and only speak when I should be replying. As for why I’m in this hospital bed giving my evaluation…well…I forgot to check attitude at the door when he made a comment about feeling old. Rule number one is to shut the fuck up, and I didn’t. I told him it’s okay if he gets old and I still love him. My mistake! However, the study still stands and I give it a 100%


Name: Timmy Ashford
Nationality: American
Current Residence: New Mexico
Results According to Subject:
Stephen is my step-dad. Well, he’s my step-dad in the sense he’s always having sex with my mother, lives with us, eats all our food, drinks all day, refuses to marry my mom and give me a father in a proper family setting, all the while beating my ass raw. I used to be a bad kid, but now I know my place. I no longer make the same mistakes as so many of my friends do. He even lets me call him Stephen now and not “Master”.

What started me in the trial is when Stephen had been asking me to clean my room five or six times in a single day. Like I said, I was a bad kid in those days, and refused to do anything he said because I was angry at him for just being around. So, after the fifth or sixth time of him screaming for me to clean up my room, I yelled back, “FUCK YOU STEPHEN! You’re not even my real dad!” You can imagine the three hour beating with a belt, a hot curling iron, and his fists. He got so tired my mother even had to take over beating me when he broke his hands on my ass!

My mommy had enough of my attitude and couldn’t take the stress anymore, just knowing I would continue to make Stephen mad, so she looked through the papers on where she could take me. She stumbled upon the trial and enrolled me right away. I got time away from Stephen and learned to keep my mouth shut for my own good!

A+ program and I highly suggest all other bad kids, which is all kids, to enroll!


Name: Tiffany-Sage Haddler
Nationality: British
Current Residence: Idaho
Results According to Subject:
My mummy always wants me to wear bright colours and act as a lady, but I just didn’t like it all too much. Mummy does know what is best, but in my silly head I could just not see that as a fact and I acted up just like all these spoiled American brats. No longer do I, however!

I would talk back to my mummy and ask her what she knew, and the result would be immediate and severe slaps among my face and fanny. She would constantly ask me how I would ever expect to please a husband if I spoke back all the time. My daft reasoning was that I did not want to be a stay at home mummy like mummy, who earned money by bringing in strange men and making me watch so they would both pay more and finish faster. Oh, what a sod I was!

Thanks to this program, I now know a proper woman is seen and not heard. She does exactly that and more. The more is what my mummy teaches me. I now have the skills and education early enough to carry me throughout my adult life in order to become a proper lady of the house!

I will raise many cups of tea in the honour of this program!


Name: Julian Nielson
Nationality: Ameri-queer
Current Residence: Gay Bay
Results According to Subject:
Mmmm…my name is Julian, but call me Sally RoughRider! I love long walks on the beach, blonds, and butt sex! Tee hee!!!! I know this isn’t a dating service, you giggly gooses!

My life partner, Bruce, who I always call “OH damn! THAT MAN!!!!” in a loving way, used to break a foot off in my ass, and I don’t mean in a fun gay way. Oh no. He’d kick the shit out of me almost every time I opened my whore mouth. That was the problem, you see, since as a gay man I don’t know when to shut up. It’s just genetics, and you can’t fight genetics, but you can control your nasty habits like talking all the time.

The last straw was when Bruce came home drunk and stinking of both strange men and vagina. Trust me, you can tell the difference in that smell! Well, once again I opened my stupid whore mouth and he beat me to the point of needing medical treatment for damn near a month. While laying out in the hospital, he was reading me the obituaries to remind me I could end up in there, when I caught a glimpse of this trial and knew I needed help.

Now I only open my mouth to suck dick! Great improvement! Much love!

I ♥ (‿|‿)!


There you have it, everyone! Keep your fucking mouth shut if you don’t want to get your ass beat by your significant other. Doesn’t just work for normal people and women: It’s obviously great for gays and children, too!

Know your place!

The Golden Age is Gone!

Fear. Panic. Annoyance. Death. Acceptance. Well, okay, maybe acceptance before death, but not always. Not always. As we all have been made aware, The Golden Age has officially come to an end as reported by our council of elders in their watch towers (AKA skyscraper business complexes in various states).

I am here for all of you in this trying time, so don’t worry. As a matter of fact, I am going to assist us in these trying times by offering the soothing voice which will guide many through the darkness in the coming days. Even with The Golden Age at a finish there is a silver lining. That is to say, the Silver Age, with a small “the”, is now here.

Silver, unlike gold, isn’t as pure nor as nice. Gold can do all kinds of things which silver cannot. This is going to be the worst thing for the Silver Age. You see, second place is generally a silver medal. Since second place is the first to lose then silver is the first to suck. Granted, the coming the Silver Age won’t suck as hard as the bronze Age, so there is that.

What can you expect in this the Silver Age? For one thing, you can be sure everything which came before will have been better: Movies, videogames, music, dancing, and food. None of this is going to be as good as The Golden Age, so brace yourself for that. Food will taste less delicious because everything considered “bad”, which gives it flavor, will be removed, leaving a bland, yet more healthy, food item. Movies will be less entertaining and nothing except remakes of great movies in the past without any of the understanding as to why the original was good to begin with. Music will be nothing more than disconnected sounds of cars slamming into each other while a modem screams a connection in the background. Dancing will simply be running around naked while doing the helicopter as dirt is poured from the ceiling, since soap suds has already been done. Videogames will be nothing more than fifteen minute adventures, which will require you to purchase the ability to continue playing after each three minutes for what will eventually become 2.5x what you ORIGINALLY bought the game for and you will also have to pay a monthly subscription fee on top of it as the game designers snort coke of high dollar hookers’ asses while never addressing game play nor hacking issues until it costs them money from said hackers.

the Silver Age may seem bleak, but it’s not going to be all bad. We will be smarter than those who are born during this time. As they grow older, they are moving toward the bronze Age and as such will have less and less common sense than those of us around right now. Eventually, sure, they will be in power, but the vast majority of them will be so mangled from their own stupidity, we will have a nice decline in population, also meaning we will be more beautiful than they are. Not to mention we will always be able to out exercise them due to their obesity and sedentary life style well into our 90’s.

We know Times are Changing simply for the sake of change, but I think we can do this. Allow me to be your guide, your guru, your guy who holds all your money because you can’t be trusted with it. You know this is true. Please, no checks. Cash only.

Together, we can do anything, because of me.

How To: Survive Living in a Haunted House


Survive Living in a Haunted House

Most of the time, living in a haunted house is pretty cool. The parties alone are always epic, what with the sudden breaking out into musical numbers to tunes such as Day-o by Banana Boat, to being randomly thrown around the room violently all against your will. For kids parties, that’s just awesome. Even with all the fun to be had, there are some steps you must take in order to ensure a happy union of home owner and ghost, lest you end up upsetting the spirit(s) and having your dream home turn into a nightmare.

This guide is going to give you some basic instructions on how to deal with living in a haunted house. While not an all inclusive guide, by the end of this guide you will have a decent understanding on how to have a reasonably quiet home.


1. Make sure the house is haunted
Before you even begin to make life awesome by living in a haunted house, make sure you actually have a haunted house. 8 out of 10 times what is being experienced can be explained away. There are a couple of ways for you to figure out if your house is haunted. I’m going to list a few, and if you have more than one of these occurring and also have more than one person reporting them, chances are high you have a ghost.

  1. Cupboards and doors opening or closing by themselves forcefully
  2. Footsteps when no one is walking
  3. Animals are staring at nothing / Growling at nothing / Chase nothing
  4. Electronics are turning on/off by themselves, but don’t have a remote control nor timer
  5. Banging on walls or windows
  6. Bed shaking
  7. Random shadows moving of their own accord
  8. Muted voices which may or may not be having a conversation or whispering your name
  9. Smell of unknown origin which may or may not be pleasant
  10. Feeling as though you’ve walked into, or had draped over you, spider webs
  11. Cold spots which move on their own
  12. Feeling of heaviness in areas which move on their own
  13. Items disappearing and/or moving on their own

If you have more than one of those things occurring in your home, chances are you have a ghost! Should you want to be validated, contact a local ghost hunting organization in your area. The ones on TV are usually booked solid, so you’ll want anyone else. Mediums, who are usually rather large, will be willing to check out your home for a price, but never, ever pay for an investigation.
 
 
2. Why your house may be haunted
There are several reasons for actually having a haunted house. While many theories abound, no one is actually 100% certain as to why. Some hold if a person has a tragic or sudden death, the soul hangs around. Another belief is if someone dies with unfinished business, they will try to get that goal accomplished in the after life before moving on. Others believe there are more scientific reasons behind it. Here’s a few theories and explanation as to why it’s believed.

i. Limestone and quartz deposits with running water
This here is one of the scientific reasons. Quartz is used in many electronic devices and is known to hold information, just like a computer hard drive. When it is combined with limestone and running water, high with minerals, is rubbed along it, the information is released, much like a movie projector.

ii. Someone died in your home…or close to it
Obviously if someone died in your home, they aren’t going to leave. After all, it was their home before yours. If it was someone who died in your house after you bought it, well…just try kicking them out now.

Should you have a ghost of someone, or a few different people, come into your home because they died near by, take it as a compliment! They like your drape and carpet scheme.

iii. They are attracted to you
You sexy thing, you.
 
 
3. Understanding the dynamics of a haunted house
Once you’ve decided your house is haunted, it’s time to start understanding it. There are many different things which happen in a haunted house and each of them are caused by very interesting anomalies. Even though these things are paranormal, there is an explanation for each one.

A. Banging/Knocks
These are some of the most common phenomena to occur in a haunted house. Often times the banging is happening because a ghost wants to communicate. Other times it’s because the ghost is trapped in the walls. A ghost trapped in the walls is reasonably pissed off and wants to get out.

B. Opening doors
Even though ghosts can pass through solid objects, they sometimes forget. The doors open because they are trying to copy you, much like your dog just wants to be part of your “pack”.

C. Cold spots
An incorrect belief is cold spots is caused by ghosts pulling energy from the area around them to manifest. Truth is, a cold spot is caused by a ghost farting. Sometimes you’ll even hear them ask, “Ya’ smell that?” Mist is often times a visual cue of a ghost fart!

D. Being pulled out of your bed
Don’t be afraid of this. Ghosts are like an invisible alarm clock, but they experience time differently. Think of this like a cat trying to tell you it’s time to eat.

E. Feeling compelled to do something
Have you ever been in the front room and suddenly thought, “Hey, I should go to the bathroom!” Only…you didn’t actually need to? Yep, that’s the ghost telling you to do it in order to make you see something having to do with ghosts. Sometimes you get what is known as “ghost turds”. That’s where you know you took a dump, there’s poop on the paper, but there’s no turd in the toilet.

F. Being scratched, pushed, pulled, or hit
Ghosts are assholes.
 
 
4. Activities ghosts will do
Ghosts are known to do a lot of different things. This guide has already listed a few of them, but that’s not all. Some of the activities ghosts partake in will seem strange to you and no one is certain as to why they do them. Here’s a small sample of what to expect from ghosts do for fun while hanging out in your home.

  • Spooky noises
    Ghosts will fly or walk around making spooky noises. This is the most classic of all ghost activities. They’re probably doing this for fun and are trying to scare you. Remember, every day is Halloween for ghosts!

  • Read books
    Perhaps the most confusing things ghosts do for fun is read books. They really like The Bible.

  • Throw raging keggers
    Ghosts like to party. When they aren’t drinking enough to kill a living person, they are usually getting high as fuck.

  • Hide and go seek
    Ghosts aren’t always around, and when they aren’t, they’re playing Hide and Go Seek with you. At times they’ll play this game with your keys, so if you can’t find them, chances are a ghost is making you find them for their amusement. When you’ve had enough, simply yell “Olly olly oxen free!” They’ll know the game is over for this match and return your item or come out of hiding.

  • Dance around in your underwear
    Why? Who knows, but ghost love your dirty underwear and will dance around all night in them.

 
5. Communicating with the ghost(s)
Ghosts don’t liked to be ignored…I mean, who does? Well, besides that strange dude who goes through your garbage at 1A.M. Seriously, though…what’s up with that asshole? It’s like, come on, I know you’re doing it. You’re not being that quiet or anything. If you want scraps, just say something and I may be nice enough to help out. The soup kitchen is open until 4A.M. Wait…why am I writing to you here? You don’t have internet access…

I. Ouija boards
These are like telephones, but for ghosts. Ouija boards are completely safe and fun! These can be used by anyone without any kind of worry what so ever! These are also known as angel boards, talking board, witch dialer, demon callers, and Satan’s cookbook. The last name there is a translation and something of the poetic nature was lost in the English words.

II. Just talking
Ever wonder why we tell ghost stories around the camp fire? That’s because ghosts like a nice fire side chat. So do actors. Just start chatting it up and wait for replies.

III. Automatic writing
I don’t mean like in the story Tommy Knockers by Stephen King. Automatic writing is where you close your eyes and suddenly you’ve written something in writing which isn’t your own. All you need to do is grab something to write with and then ask some questions.

IV. Polaroids
Yep, for some reason ghosts like to write on Polaroid pictures. No one quite knows why, but if there are ghosts present, they will write something out in Latin and maybe Welsh.

V. Special ghost phone
Nokia is currently in development of a special phone designed to talk directly to the dead. Be careful, though, the auto correct with the text messaging can really piss a ghost off!
 
 
6. Appeasing the ghost(s)
Many cultures have different ways of keeping ghosts happy. If the spirit(s) in your home are upset, then don’t expect to have a happy home. Unlike what Nintendo would have you believe, you cannot simply vacuum a ghost up! Since we are a few years away from having a working unlicensed positron accelerator packs available for a reasonable retail price, the best we can do is appease them. Here’s a few ways to make that happen.

/. Worship
Sometimes a spirit just wants to be worshiped. Just do it. I mean, it’s not like the Christian God said not to do that. Right?

/\. Leave offerings of food and/or tobacco
The Chinese believe if they leave feasts laying about randomly, wayward spirits will be appeased. Hell, I know if someone kept leaving me free Chinese food I’d be pleased as hell! Chinese food is awesome.

Tobacco is a personal call. I know plenty of people who enjoy a nice pipe, a relaxing cigarette, or a smooth cigar. For the modern age, leave out a freshly wrapped fatty. Ghosts love to get high, remember? Just make sure it’s legal where you are. If it’s not, don’t let the cops know about it. They’re not going to believe it’s for your ghost.

/\|. Sacrifice your pets
Your pets are always annoying your ghost, which is why your pets are always freaking out. Sad but true, you’re going to have to get rid of your pets. Selling them isn’t good enough. Nope, you need to ritually sacrifice your pets to the spirit(s) haunting your home. The more you love your pet before you kill it, the happier the ghost(s) will be and, in return, the happier you’ll be in your home.

Doing the same thing with your children yields even better results, but requires much more time and effort to do. Just stick with the pets.

/\|/. Have sex
Ghosts are not only assholes, but huge perverts. Now, one of the good things is if your spouse turns out to possessed, they may be possessed by a famous person. How cool would it be to learn about history from Abraham Lincoln while simultaneously nailing your loved one? It’s like a ménage à trois with no risk of after cheating because it’s your spouse’s body! “Four score, and I’m about to cum!”

Ghosts will always be watching you have sex. They may or may not participate, but they will be watching. Just be prepared for the occasional ghost pinky in your butthole. At least…they’ll say it’s a pinky…
 
 
7. Getting rid of your ghost(s)
Why would you do this? There’s no reason to. Besides, there is no getting rid of them. You’ll have to move. Oh, but sometimes they move with you.


So there you have it! An easy guide to survive living in a haunted house. Now you know…and knowing is like five tenths the battle!

Incredible Life Hacks

Sunrie's How To Guides
Life Hacks

Life…sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, and sometimes it needs to be hacked! We hack everything from bank accounts to PS3’s, so why not our own life? Whether its trying to untangle a mess of cables or getting out of paying child support, you can be sure there’s a life hack for it.

Unlike electronics, though, life hacks are more about thinking outside of the box rather than creating a script…though that may be part of a life hack. A script, I mean. You might need a script for life hacking a meeting with your boss. See? That’s outside the box a bit right there!

While there are nearly countless amounts of other sights on the Internet claiming to have incredible life hacks, with these proven methods from the respected How To Guide guru Sunrie, you are assured quality. You’ll also get a quantity of them. Also, unlike other sides, this guide is provided to you free of charge! Yes, that’s right, this incredible Sunrie How To Guide is completely free just like many others.

Listed below are 14 high quality life hacks for you to enjoy.


1. Perfect Garage Parking
Are you always just a little unsure of where you are when you pull into the garage because of the length of your car? Simply hang a tennis ball from the ceiling in the perfect place for it to rest gently against your windshield. This will ensure you are always far enough forward without going too far!
 
 
2. Holistic Heartburn Remedy
Have stubborn heartburn which won’t go away? Have high blood pressure and don’t want to take the store bought artificial crap? Need relief right away? Well, a cup of peppermint tea (hot or cold) will clear it right up! When has tea ever done you wrong?
 
 
3. Increased Audio from Integrated Computer Speakers
Are your computer speakers too quiet? Do you just want to hear it from further away? Well, take a plastic cup and cut it in half down the length of it. Place the two halves face down on your speakers for instant amplification!
 
 
4. Whiter Teeth for Cheaper
Want to have the benefit of expensive teeth whitening systems, but don’t want to shell out the crazy amounts of cash for them? Just add a dash of baking soda in.

Want to up it to the next level and have ballin’ white teeth like all the stars in Hollywood? Well, simply mix bleach with your dollar store toothpaste. Bleach works wonders with clothing and even more for your yellowed teeth!
 
 
5. Take Burns Over Stains on Motel/Hotel Matresses
I don’t think I really need to elaborate here…it’s kind of common sense. When you have a choice of a bed with a burn or a stain when you’re in a motel/hotel, always take the one with a burn. After all, you know what made the burn.
 
 
6. Sanitary Napkins are Versatile
Go ahead and ask any person riding a Harley-Davidson with saddle bags if they have maxi-pads in there. No, really, go ahead and ask. Almost every biker carries these for heavy road rash injuries.

In addition to that, they make great sticky notes for either home or vehicle use. Out of paper and someone parked like an idiot, and you just have to let them know? Write on the back of one and slam it on their windshield for a note which is guaranteed to not be blown away in the wind and will even increase the size of your writing if it gets wet!

Don’t have a note board or told someone “a million times” to do something? Writing the message on one of these puppies and stick it to the fridge or their door to get the message across you are fucking god damn serious about whatever it is you’re “on the rag” about!!!!!!!!
 
 
7. Covert Curtain Rods
Most curtain rods are hollow and the end caps can be removed. Kids, this is a great place to hide drugs or other illegal items from your parents! Even blinds will work, since the bar at the top usually has a cavity pointed up toward the top of the window out of view.
 
 
8. Forging a Signature with Ease
Do you need to forge someone’s signature? Do you want to make it seem like your boss authorized a pay raise or issued you a check? Do you need to make it seem like your parents signed something? Just want to fake a signature to make it seem like a real autograph?

Simply rub the back of the paper with a real signature already on it with pencil. Then, place the signature down where you need it and trace over the original signature. BAM! It’s now transferred in pencil where you can then trace over it once again in pen to make it permanent! Once the ink has dried, you can erase the pencil. Great for getting out of visiting your sick mother in the hospital.
 
 
9. Great Looking Abs For Wookies
Great looking abs are hard to get for anyone, but wookies have it particularly rough. With hair covering anywhere between 75% to 99% of their body, even with hard work, diet, and exercise their abs just don’t show through.

So, why bother exercising at all? Simply mark out the correct pattern in hair and take an electric razor to shave it down to skin. Instant Mike Chang’s Six Pack Abs without the work!

Remember: Physical attraction is all an illusion anyway. Drink the beer, eat the fat, and smoke those cigarettes. YOLO!
 
 
10. Battery Saving on Smart Phones
This works with any smart phone on any carrier. No, it doesn’t matter if you have an iOS, Android, or Windows based phone. It’s really simple: Put the fucking thing down for ten fucking minutes!

Not only does this tip help the battery last longer, you’re also not being a total asshole to the person or people you’re with because you’re giving them real attention! It’s a two-fer!
 
 
11. Lose Weight While Watching TV and Save Money
First, get rid of your 275 channel subscription service. You’re probably only watching four of the channels, at the most, and you’ll be saving an average of $65 a month! Since you will only have a few channels to chose from now, there won’t be any fighting over what to watch. It’ll shut your children the hell up as well as long as you beat them.

Trust me…when you have a limited amount of choice over what to watch and your children are screaming about it, you’re going to take your anger out on something or someone. Your wife can do things for you your children can’t…at least they shouldn’t be doing it! If you need help, you can always solicit my help. Click this sentence for more information (opens in a new window).

Next, get rid of your remote. Now every time you need to adjust the volume or change the channel you will be getting off your backside and walking to your television. Within weeks you could be five pounds lighter!
 
 
12. Free Paternity Tests
Children are disgusting creatures which give nothing back to you in return for all the time and money. Take it from me, I’m pretty sure my mother has some sadness in her heart over my existence given some of her reactions to just my writings online alone. You need to make sure a child is yours before you put down one red cent to help the woman’s mother raise it.

The Maury Povich Show, The Test, The Steve Wilkos Show, and many others will administer a paternity test free of charge. Just make sure you have a really good story and set up some drama. These shows won’t take you if you come across well educated and stable. you’re going to need at least one person screaming, someone munching on dirt, and another person to throw a chair in order to get a fight started.

Not only are you going to make sure the little bastard who is about to grow up without a father is yours to abandon and doesn’t belong to someone else, if the failed abortion does turn out to be the “good job” of someone else, then you got to show what a whore the chick is on national television!
 
 
13. Security for You and Your Loved Ones
Carry a gun with you. Honestly…why wouldn’t you? Cops are too heavy and depending on where you are, they could take thirty minutes or more to get to you. You’d be dead by then. I’ve had pizza delivered faster than the cops arrived at times.

Don’t like guns? Leave it to the professionals? Would you try to put yourself, your property, or another person on fire out, right? Why wouldn’t you just call the fire department and let professionals handle it?
 
 
14. Floral Arrangements on the Dime
Flowers are expensive and figuring out what a nice arrangement would be is a hassle. Luckily, graveyards are a great source for flowers already done up and they’re free to you!

Graveyards have some of the best floral arrangements you can find. Predictably, the graves of dead babies tend to have the absolute best bouquets to choose from. The fresher the better, too. The grave I mean, not the flowers.

If you don’t want to take it from the baby graves…honestly, though, they were babies if they even lived that long so what do they want with flowers…look for any grave which still has pictures of the deceased. You’re also looking for graves which have pristine looking headstones and soft dirt on top.

Really old people aren’t going to have nice floral arrangements since anyone related to them are most likely dead or are entitled shitheads. They also won’t be as likely to have the bouquets restocked as fast and readily as those dead babies.


Well, there you are, life hackers! Get out there and hack at your life for the better, or to ruin it for someone else!

How To Be A Jerk When Shopping

How To:
Be A Jerk When Shopping

A Sunrie Guide

Duuuuuuuuuurrrrrr!
Welcome to another great Sunrie’s How To Guide where many of your questions are answered. Today you’ll be learning how to act like a jerk when shopping. As with all of Sunrie’s How To Guides, you will be taught how to do this with finesse, cooth, and sophistication. You won’t be learning to run down around the store screaming like an idiot, but you will learn what to say when walking into a store and successfully blend into common society!

Just like a junior high school student being introduced to a drug dealer, this first taste is completely free of charge. Please remember you do not have to do all of these things, just some. Be creative: Mix and Match!

Without further ado, here is the guide.


Dumb dee-dumb dumb duuuuuuuuumb!1. Store workers are not people
This guide was going to start off with being instantly confrontational, but the utmost important thing to understand and accept in your brain is the people who work in a store are not people. Not even slightly.

If this guide is to be effective for you at maximum capacity, you must learn to believe those helping you get your precious retail item are dumber than you, slower than you, and not worth the air they are stealing from you. Just like waiters and waitresses, if the people working at the store were worth anything, they wouldn’t be working at the store! After all, anyone willing to assist you with something as mundane as getting a t-shirt is obviously a shit stain on the mark of humanity. If someone is helping you, then you are more important than them.
 
 
2. Be instantly confrontational
The moment you walk into a store, be confrontational for absolutely no reason what so ever. This is extremely effective if the retail establishment greets people as they enter. Great places to practice are Wal*Mart and American Eagle since they seem to always have someone at the entrances to politely welcome you in to the store.

What you don’t want to do is scream or yell at the person because doing so could get security called on you. Instead, you need to make snide remarks or a direct, fierce rebuttal to a genuine greeting. For instance, when someone welcomes you into the store, reply with something like, “Can’t I just look around?!” Make sure your voice is elevated as if they are trying to push a sale on you.

If any employee comes up and asks if there is anything they can help you find, throw your hands either up or down dramatically while sighing as loudly as possible, followed up with a statement such as, “I don’t need any help!”
 
 
3. Be confused to what store you’re in and what they sell
This is most important when going into store which sell a very specific item, like Guess Jeans, The Apple Store or a gun store. When going into these stores, you need to ask them if they sell the specific item they specialize in.

For instance, when you go into a gun store you need to look at one of the associates and ask, “Do you guys sell guns here?” When you walk into the Apple store, you should ask something like, “So, do you only sell Apple products here or something?” If you’re in Guess Jeans, you need to ask something along the lines of, “Is it possible to get jeans at this store?”

After the person stares at you for a moment, dumbfounded, wave your hands at them for a moment or snap your fingers impatiently. Regardless if you’re being serious or not the sales associate shouldn’t be so rude as to look at you in anything but a happy manner. You’re a guest, etiquette as a guest be damned!
 
 
4. Grab two shopping carts or hand baskets / Load your hands up with items
If you’re in a place which has shopping carts or hand baskets, then grab two of them. No, it doesn’t matter if you aren’t in the store to get enough items to fill them with things you want. What you will be doing is filling one with what you want, and then another with random things you have no intention of buying.

Should the store not have shopping carts or hand baskets, then you’ll want to carry as many things as possible around with you. This technique is best suited for clothing stores, where you can drape things over your arms. Anything you want to keep needs to be on top of everything, so you can easily set it aside before you toss everything else on the counter. More on all of this in section 9.
 
 
5. Make a stupid joke about what they can help you find…or just be mean
Your jokes never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever, never, never, never, ever, for any reason ever, never, ever get old for people working retail.

When someone asks if they can help you find anything, then give out a joke like, “A million dollars!!!” Be super excited about it, too! If you want to be proactive about it, when you’re greeted, ask something like, “I take it you don’t sell waffles here?!” See, you’re in a place which obviously would not be selling waffles, so it’s gonna be funny. Just make sure you’re in a place which wouldn’t be selling waffles like The Lego Store.

If someone asks how you’re doing, tell them something along the lines of, “I’ll be doing a lot better if you just let me look around.” Have almost no emotion behind it as well. This will instill a sense of dread in the polite employee. This leads us to the next section of the guide…
 
 
6. Immediately reject all offers for help
Sales associates are there to help you and are even punished by their employers for not offering assistance, so let them know your distaste for this practice by rejecting their help immediately when you’re approached. Make a bit of a deal out of it, too, as if they are insulting your intelligence level. Remember not to go completely ape-shit about it, though.

As pointed out in a previous section, being visibly upset and saying something along the lines of, “Can’t I just look around?!” loudly is effective, as is sighing so loud everyone in the vicinity can hear you. This lets others know they are encouraged to act in a similar manner, since most employees at retail stores are not allowed to say anything negatively back to you. After all, you don’t want a real confrontation on your hands…you’re a coward, otherwise you’d act like this with strangers in an area where they aren’t bound by corporate policy.
 
 
Obama/Biden for Fuhrer 20127. Complain no one is around to help you and don’t directly ask for help
Once you’ve completely rejected all offers for help, it’s time to start looking around for something you can’t find. Since you’ve established yourself as a total jerk who doesn’t want to be bothered, no one is going to help you. It is now your job to wander around like a lost puppy trying to find what you want, but don’t be happy about it.

Every person you come across, make statements about how you can’t find what you want in the store because it’s a terrible layout and then comment how the employees never seem to be helpful. Talk mention how the employees are more interested in talking to each other and running the register…when someone is at the register. I’ll talk more about this later.

Also, if you come across another employee who isn’t helping you and isn’t assisting someone else or stocking at ground level, don’t ask for their help. Instead, stand around with a confused look on your face, constantly looking over at the employee, and/or keep sighing. Another option is to keep walking toward the employee like you’re going to say something, but never do, and just keep walking by them. You don’t want them to know you can recognize who actually works there. This brings us to the next section of the guide…
 
 
8. Act like you don’t know who works at the store
The employees at retail stores usually wear a name tag with the store name, a radio, may even be in a specific uniform, and will be doing things such as running the register or stocking items from a flat bed cart full of boxes. IGNORE ALL OF THIS!!!

What you’ll need to do is ask random people in the store if they work there, then be surprised when they say no. If you don’t want to come across as a total idiot to random people and just a jerk, then only do this to the employees. If you see someone in a uniform and/or a stocking items while talking on the radio and/or helping customers, you will want to stare at them with total confusion and ask, “Um…do you work here?”

No one can expect you to use your brain…and besides, since the person you’re asking help from is there to assist you, they aren’t people and therefore their opinions don’t matter. That’s right, their opinion of you is just like a hooker trying to explain your moral shortcomings or a Muslim trying to teach peace…it doesn’t matter. Yep, you just read that. It happened.
 
 
9. Dump everything you don’t want on the cashier, be rude and request the price of each item as it is rung up
Now that you’re ready to pay for the few items you actually want, it’s time to dump everything you’ve collected up until this point on the cashier’s counter top if you’re carrying it. If you have two carts or two hand baskets, then make sure they know you have what you want in one, and the one which is completely over flowing with items is what you do not want. Never mind most people don’t collect things they don’t want into a shopping car/hand basket or carry it around awkwardly. What matters is the factyou did.

Don’t forget to tell the cashier how long everything has been taking if there was a line and how you’re in a hurry. Demand they tell their supervisors to add more cashiers, even if all the cash registers are being operated at the time. This is a very effective technique if there are only two registers going because there are only two registers in the entire store. If there are people out and about trying to help people shop, complain there is no one running the register! After all, you didn’t want their help out on the sales floor so they must not be busy. If there really was no staffing on the floor to help you, complain even more that there is no help in the store and demand the management do something about it. Don’t actually request to speak to a manager, and never mind the employee has no control of the situation, just demand the management do something about it.

If there is a long line, make sure the cashier takes care of your wants before your discards. If there is no line, then make them take care of your discards before your wants. Why? Well, making them take care of your wants first when there is a line ensures you’re out of there before someone in the line gets really upset and voices their disdain for you while making them continue to wait. If there is no line, then you can almost be assured by the time the cashier gets finished processing the discards and rings you up, there is now a long line forming behind you!

Make sure you tell the cashier you want the price of each item as they are ringing it up as well. Not only does this hold everyone else up, but you’re making more work for the cashier. As the price is being told to you, think about it for up to five seconds. Five seconds may not seem like a long time, but to the people waiting and the cashier, it will seem like an eternity. If all your items are around the same price, if something is ten cents more expensive than something else, tell them you don’t want it.

Once everything has been rung up and you’re given a total, shout the price in surprise and then ask, “How can that be?!” When the cashier tries to explain, go through your bag and ask them to once again read the price of each item. Be very upset when you give them the form of payment and tell them you can’t believe it’s so expensive for such a small amount of items. Once again demand the employee talk to “corporate” to be more reasonable, add more staff to help on the floor, add more cashiers, and how you’ll never shop there again. Which brings us to the last lesson of this guide…
 
 
I am angry for getting what I want!10. Claim you’ll never shop there again
Is it true? Hell no! You’ll be back in three days to return almost everything you bought and then again the following week to do this all over again! You aren’t in it for the abuse…you’re in it to abuse!


You did it! You’ve completed this free Sunrie’s How To Guide! For more free guides check these out:
The Writing Process: A Sunrie Guide
How to Troll: A Sunrie Guide
Driving Tips for One Day a Week Drivers
What To Actually Do in a Relationship
Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time
and…
Many More!

Islam peace? Muslims same as Christians and Jews? (s)

I’m so sick of people saying that either I or anyone else needs to be educated. I am well educated and I’m about to OWN YOU.

Please pass this around and help to educate everyone on our enemy in this war, why we fight this war, and what to expect if we simply run away.

This is all straight from the horses mouth! Islam itself!


Islam

Introduction
It has been said that knowledge is power. Certainly, we can know that ignorance (the lack of knowledge) renders one absolutely powerless. The truth of the Word of God shines out on American Christendom in the light of Hosea 4:6:
“..my people are destroyed for lack of knowledge…”

This is indicting us for our complacency and laziness in educating ourselves about the trends that present themselves in these latter days. One of these is the rise of Islam in the United States and the Western world. How much does your average professing Christian even know about the religion of Muhammad? How can church-goers know how to sort through the varying images and claims which present themselves to us about Islam? What is truth, and what is falsehood, as far as is being told to us about the Muslim religion? How can we know the lies that will invariably be told to us, and avoid them?
 
 
 
Explanation of terms:
Qur’an – The primary religious text in Islam. It is held by Muslims to be perfect, complete, and heavenly. The Qur’an forms the primary and most important source of authoritative doctrine in orthodox Islam.

Ahadith (sing. Hadith) – Collections of sayings, teachings, and doctrines formulated attributed to Muhammad, narrated by several of his companions, and collated by various compilers. Also considered a source of authority for doctrine, as they contain the sayings of Allah’s prophet, Muhammad. Many Muslim scholars even refer to several of what are widely held to be authentic ahadith as “second inspiration”, and place them nearly on par with the Qur’an as sources of doctrine and practice. Among this body of hadithic literature, the collections of Bukhari, Muslim, Malik, Tirmzi, Abu Dawud, Nasa’i, and Ibn Majah are the most widely viewed as authentic, and therefore canonical. However, examination of the ahadith and the sunnat (below) over the past few decades have cast serious doubt onto the absolute authenticity of these traditional records and commandments. The evidence put forth by scholarship suggests that at least a large portion even of the canonical collections listed above were probably invented, or at least embellished, during the socio-political struggles between Muslim factions which occurred in the two centuries following Muhammad’s death. Therefore, when the records of the ahadith are used to support a point made about Islamic dogma or practice, it must be implicitly understood that this work does not rely on these sources for their absolute authenticity. Rather, they are looked to because they serve as a record of what the views, beliefs, and actions of Muslim tradition were ideally meant to be in the eyes of the Muslim reciters and collectors who attempted to give their creations added legitimacy through appeal to the authority of Muhammad and/or his Companions.

Sunnah (pl. Sunnat) – Very similar to the ahadith, these are collections of rules which were said to be laid down by Muhammad, and which he lived his life by. The ahadith, on the other hand, are narrations about Muhammad’s life which provide object examples for Muslims. The Sunnah are very important to most orthodox Muslims, and they are also considered to be a prime source of Islamic jurisprudence. Most orthodox Muslim teachers consider both the Qu’ran and the sunnah/ahadith to be indispensable in the lives of good Muslims.

Surah (pl. Surat) – A division of the Quranic text which most closely approximates the concept of “chapter” in Western literature. There are 114 surat in the Qur’an as it now exists. Each surah is named after a different topical heading, though this is not necessarily related to the main point of the surah.

Ayah (pl. Ayat) – A subdivision of the surahs, an ayah is approximate to a verse as found in the Bible. Together, references in the Qur’an are most commonly given in the form of (Surah number:ayah number)

Jihad (ji(-häd’)
–noun
1.) An individual’s striving for spiritual self-perfection.
2.) A Muslim holy war or spiritual struggle against infidels.
3.) A crusade or struggle

——————————————————————————–

The origins of Mecca
In Old Testament times, Nabonidus, the last king of Babylon, built Tayma, Arabia as a center of Moon-god worship. When the popularity of the Moon-god waned elsewhere, the Arabs remained true to their conviction that the Moon-god was the greatest of all gods. While they worshipped 360 gods at the Kabah in Mecca, the Moon-god was the chief deity. Mecca was in fact built as a shrine for the Moon-god. The pagan Arabs worshipped the Moon-god Hubal (or Allah) by praying toward Mecca several times a day; making a pilgrimage to Mecca; running around the temple of the Moon-god called the Kabah; kissing the black stone; killing an animal in sacrifice to the Moon-god; throwing stones at the devil; fasting for the month which begins and ends with the crescent moon; giving alms to the poor, etc.
 
 
 
Facts about pre-Islamic Arab pagans

  1. Pagan Arabs in pre-Islamic times worshiped over 300 gods.
  2. The pagans Arabs worship the sun, moon and the stars.
  3. Arabs built temples to the Moon-god.
  4. Different Arab tribes gave the Moon-god different names/titles.
  5. Some of the names/titles given to the Moon-god: Hubal, Ilumquh, Sin, Al-ilah, Allah.
  6. The variable names (Sin, Hubal, llumquh, Al-ilah) of Moon-god were used by various tribes of pagan Arabs.
  7. The title “al-ilah” (the god) was used as the Moon-god.
  8. The word “Allah” is derived from “al-ilah”.
  9. The pagan “Allah” was the high god in a pantheon of deities.
  10. He was worshipped at the Kabah.
  11. Allah was only one of many Meccan gods.
  12. Pagan Arabs placed a statue of Hubal (Ilumquh, Sin, Al-ilah, Allah) on top of the Kabah.
  13. At that time Hubal (Ilumquh, Sin, Al-ilah, Allah) was called the Moon-god.
  14. The Kabah was the “house of the Moon-god”.
  15. The name “Allah” eventually replaced that of Hubal as the name of the Moon god.
  16. They called the Kabah the “house of Allah”.
  17. al-Lat, al-Uzza and Manat were called “the daughters of Allah”.


 
 
 
Facts about Islam

  1. The Qur’an at one point told Muslims to worship al-Lat, al-Uzza and Manat In Surah 53:19-20.
  2. Those verses have been abrogated out of the present Qur’an.
  3. Those verses are now called “The Satanic Verses”.
  4. “Islam” means “to surrender”. “Muslim” means “those who submit”.

——————————————————————————–

Observations of Islam
Ever since the Attack on America on September 11, 2001, we have heard a never-ending chorus of voices from government, academia, and the media assuring us that the Islamic terrorists who attacked the Trade Towers and the Pentagon are not repre­sentative of “true Islam.” We have been likewise assured by spiritual leaders — even some Christian spokesmen — that Islam is a religion of peace, and that Muslims worship the same God as Christians and Jews.

“Our war is not against Islam,” we have been told repeatedly. “Our war is against terrorism.”

Well, what about it?

  • Are Muslims the spiritual brothers and sisters of Christians and Jews?
  • Do we all worship the same God?
  • Are the Islamic holy scriptures, known as the Qur’an, inspired by God?
  • Is Islam another path to God by which one can attain eternal life?
  • Are the Islamic fundamentalists representative of true Islam, or are they a terrible aberration of an otherwise peace-loving religion?
  • Is our war really a political one against international terrorists, or is it a spiritual battle against a demonic, intolerant, militant, and imperialistic religion known as Islam?

——————————————————————————–
A Historical Perspective on Islam
Let’s begin our consideration of these questions with some historical background.

Muhammad, the man who dictated the Qur’an and gave birth to Islam, was born in Mecca in the Saudi Arabian peninsula in 570 A.D. His father died before he was born, and his mother died when he was six years old. He was raised first by a grand­father and later by an uncle.

Muhammad was illiterate throughout his life. Until the age of 25 he worked in caravans. During his extensive travels, he encountered many Christians and Jews. Through his conversations with them, he picked up bits and pieces of both Judaism and Christianity.

His life was radically changed at age 25 when he met a wealthy widow 40 years old who fell in love with him. Their marriage enabled Muhammad to live a life of leisure from that point on.
 
 
 
Muhammad’s Call
Fifteen years after his marriage, at age 40, Muhammad had a visitation from a spirit. Supposedly, this spirit told him that he was called of God to be a “prophet” and an “apostle.” It is interesting to note that there was no tradition in Arabian religions of either prophets or apostles. These terms were obviously used by Muhammad to appeal to Jews and Christians.

Muhammad continued to have spiritual visitations. They would throw him into a trance, and his utterances during the trances were written down by scribes. These ethereal statements became the Qur’an, but they were not compiled until after Muhammad’s death. When the compilation was made, the utterances were not organized either chronologically or by subject matter. The result was a jumble of disorganized and often incoherent sayings which are frequently contradictory.

For example, the Qur’an gives four conflicting accounts of Muhammad’s call to be a prophet [the word, Sura, means chapter]:

1. Suras 53 and 81 — God, or Allah as he is called in Arabic, personally appeared to Muhammad.
2. Suras 16 and 26 — The call was from the Holy Spirit.
3. Sura 15 — Angels issued the call.
4. Sura 2 — Gabriel was the one who appeared to him.
 
 
 
Muhammad’s Revelations
At the time Muhammad received his initial visitation, there were over 300 gods being worshiped in Mecca by pilgrims who came there each year to pray at the Ka’aba, a small cubic building that housed a black meteorite and effigies of the various gods. One of those gods was Hubal — or Allah, the Moon-god.

Muhammad proclaimed that there was only one god — and he selected Allah as that god. That’s the reason the crescent moon became the symbol of Islam. Muhammad also proclaimed that he was the prophet of Allah.

Initially, Muhammad expected both Jews and Christians to receive his new revelation. Thus, early passages in the Qur’an speak admiringly of “the people of the Book.” These are the passages that Muslims in the West quote in their effort to prove that Islam is a tolerant religion. An example is Sura 5:82 which says, “You will find that those who are nearest in love to the believers [Muslims] are those who say, ‘We are Christians.'”
 
 
 
Muhammad’s Rejection
But when Jews and Christians rejected Muhammad, he turned fiercely against them, and later passages in the Qur’an speak of them disparagingly:

  • Sura 5:51 commands Muslims not to take Jews and Christians as friends.
  • Sura 9:29 commands Muslims to fight against Jews and Christians until they either submit to Allah or else agree to pay a special tax.
  • Sura 2:65-66 and Sura 5:60 contain references to Jews as “apes and swine to be despised and rejected.”

Jews and Christians were not the only ones who rejected Muhammad’s new revelations. The people of his own tribe, the Quraysh, also rejected him. In response, Muhammad succumbed to the temptation to appease his tribe by announcing that it would be okay for them to worship the three daughters of Allah — named Al-Lat, Al-Uzza, and Ma­nat.

This declaration led to the infamous “Satanic verses” of the Qur’an which were later deleted when Muhammad reverted back to monotheism. Muslims have tried ever since to cover-up this diversion from the faith. In 1989 an Indian writer by the name of Salman Rushdie brought up this taboo topic when he wrote a novel entitled, “The Satanic Verses”. The Ayatollah Khomeini of Iran condemned him and called for his assassination. A three million dollar bounty was placed on his head, and he has been in hiding ever since.
 
 
 
Muhammad’s Trek
The opposition to Muhammad in his home town of Mecca continued to grow until he was forced to flee 250 miles to Medina where his message was received. The Islamic calendar dates from this year when Muhammad fled to Medina and found a receptive audience, resulting in the formal establishment of Islam as a religion. It was the year 622 A.D., and that date represents year one of the Muslim calendar, which is a lunar calendar. The year 2001 is the year 1422 in the Muslim dating system.

After the death of his wife, Muhammad married at least eleven other women (some sources place the total as high as sixteen). He also took several concubines. He married one girl who was only six years old and had sexual relations with her when she was nine. According to the Qur’an, only the prophet could have unlimited wives. All other Muslim men are limited to four (Sura 4:3).

Muhammad died on June 8, 632 A.D. in Medina at age 63. He left no successor, and Islam soon broke into warring sects such as the Shiites and the Sunnis.
 
 
 
The Spread of Islam
All of those who survived Muhammad took up the sword, as directed by the Qur’an, and devoted themselves to advancing Islam through military might. The resulting spread of the religion was phenomenal. Within a century, Islamic forces had conquered Saudi Arabia, the entire Middle East, Central Asia, and large parts of India. The armies raged through Egypt and across North Africa, destroying corrupt Byzantine Christianity in their path.

In 710 A.D. the Islamic armies crossed the Straits of Gibral­tar and quickly conquered three-fourths of Spain and Portugal. They then invaded France and took one-third of the nation. They were 125 miles from Paris when they were miraculously defeated at the Battle of Poitiers (also known as the Battle of Tours) in 732 A.D. by a French army led by Charles Martel. Their influence in Spain lived on for a few more centuries before they were slowly driven back to North Africa.

A second powerful attempt to subjugate all of Europe was made 900 years later in the 17th Century when the Turks began to expand their Ottoman Empire. They took Greece, Yugosla­via, Bulgaria, and parts of Romania and Hungary. By 1683 they had reached the gates of Vienna where once again the Western forces won a miraculous victory against overwhelming odds.

Following this second attempt to conquer Europe, Islam fell into a state of depression and stagnation until it was awakened in the 20th Century due to several factors:

  1. The Amassing of Great Wealth — due to the discovery of vast reservoirs of oil in Arab lands.
  2. The Re-establishment of the Nation of Israel — interpreted by Islamic clerics like Khomeini as a judgment of Allah due to Islamic stagnation and apostasy.
  3. The Positioning of U.S. Armed Forces — the placement during the 1990’s of American troops throughout the Middle East in response to the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait.
  4. The Encroachment of Western Culture into the Muslim World — due to the penetration of Western movies, television programs, and consumer goods.

 
 
 
The Cultural Nature of Islam
The encroachment of Western culture cannot be stressed too much. It seems trivial to most Westerners, but that is because of the failure to understand that Islam is a cultural religion that deifies 7th Century Arabian culture.

Westerners tend to view religion as something intensely personal and private, and not as a cultural phenomenon. For example, Christianity is “supra-cultural” in that it allows people to live, dress and eat in accordance with the culture in which they exist. This is not so with Islam. In Islam, there is no “secular realm” that is free of religion. Islam regulates every aspect of life to the point that religion, politics, and culture are inseparable. Islam is thus fueled by a subtle form of racism in which 7th Century Arab culture is to be imposed upon all other cultures.
 
 
 
Some examples of the cultural nature of Islam:
Political Structure — The tribalism of 7th Century Arabia is the political structure sanctioned by the Qur’an. The chief has absolute authority. There is no concept of civil rights. This principle is reflected today in the reality that all Islamic countries are ruled by dictators, and civil liberties, like freedom of speech and religion, do not exist.

Prayer — A Muslim is required to pray five times a day toward Mecca. This is a symbol of the underlying cultural imperialism that lies at the heart of Islam. Think of it — what if all Russian Orthodox throughout the world were required to pray toward Moscow? Or, if all Roman Catholics were required to face Rome when they prayed? What if Evangelical Christians were required to pray toward Jerusalem? Such requirements would imply a cultural attachment to the focal point of prayer.

Pilgrimage — A Muslim is required, despite the hardship and cost, to make a pilgrimage to Mecca in Saudi Arabia once in his lifetime. Again, what if all Christians were required to go to Rome once in their lifetimes?

Dietary Laws — The only foods allowable are those that were acceptable in 7th Century Arabia.

Women — What an illiterate, nomadic tribeswoman wore in the desert in 7th Century Arabia is what is mandated for Muslim women today. The plight of women in Islamic countries today is despicable. They can be kept prisoners in their homes. They cannot appear in public without a covering. They are usually denied the right to vote. They are often denied anything more than a rudimentary education. In strict Islamic countries, women are generally treated as sub-human. Sura 4:34 says, “Men are the managers of the affairs of women … Those women who are rebellious — admonish them, banish them to their couches, and beat them.”

Punishment — Cruel and unusual punishment is practiced throughout the Islamic world. Incarceration without due process is common. Punishments often include torture, the cutting off of body parts (hands, ears and tongues), the gouging out of eyes, beheading, and public flogging — all representative of 7th Century Arabian culture.

The Qur’an specifically commands that those who disobey Allah are to be tortured, as commanded in Sura 8:12-14:
“I will strike terror into the hearts of those who disbelieved. Smite them above the necks, and strike even every finger. This is what they have justly incurred by resisting Allah and his messenger. For those who resist Allah and his messenger, Allah’s retribution is severe. This is to punish the disbelievers; they have incurred the retribution of hell.”

Time magazine recently presented a chilling summary of the cultural nature of Islam as it is evidenced in the “moderate” Islamic nation of Saudi Arabia:

Despite the modernization that took place after the discovery of oil reserves in 1938, Saudi Arabia remains a land where rigid religious and traditional values are strictly enforced. Cinemas and discos are outlawed; men and women are separated in banks, schools, and fast-food restaurants; women must wear veils and are forbidden to drive. Public decency police known as “Muttawa” comb shopping malls searching for women whose loose scarves reveal a curl of hair and forcing store owners to shut down during prayer times. Unforgiving Saudi justice is on view after the main prayer every Friday, when a swordsman beheads blindfolded murderers, sorcerers, drug smugglers, and other criminals in Riyadh’s “Chop-chop Square.”
 
 
 
The Spiritual Nature of Islam
Islam is a typical works salvation religion centered around a false god. Its fundamental tenets deny the heart of the Christian Gospel, revealing its demonic origin.

The Qur’an — As previously pointed out, the holy book of Islam is riddled with contradictions. Consider, for example, what it says about creation. In one place it asserts that Allah created everything in “the twinkling of an eye” as stated in Sura 54:49-50:
“Everything we created is precisely measured. Our commands are done within the blink of an eye.”

Elsewhere it says that the time period of the creation was two days as stated in Sura 41:9 and Sura 41:12:
“41:9 Say (O Muhammad, unto the idolaters): Disbelieve ye verily in Him Who created the earth in two Days, and ascribe ye unto Him rivals ? He (and none else) is the Lord of the Worlds.”

“41:12 Then He ordained them seven heavens in two Days and inspired in each heaven its mandate; and We decked the nether heaven with lamps, and rendered it inviolable. That is the measuring of the Mighty, the Knower.”

In four days:
“41:10 He placed therein firm hills rising above it, and blessed it and measured therein its sustenance in four Days…”

In six days:
Sura 7:54 – “Your Lord is Allah Who created the heavens and the earth in six Days, then mounted He the Throne”

Sura 10:3 – “Your Lord is Allah Who created the heavens and the earth in six Days”

Sura 32:4 – “Allah is the One who created the heavens and the earth, and everything between them in six days”

In “a day equaling 1,000 years”:
Sura 32:5 – “To Him, the day is equivalent to one thousand of your years.”

And also in “50,000 years”:
Sura 70:4 – “Whereby the angels and the Spirit ascend unto him in a day whereof the span is fifty thousand years.”

That’s a total of six different time periods.

The Qur’an contains many scientific errors. A crude example is found in Sura 18:8-86 where it says that Alexander the Great followed the setting of the sun and discovered that it went down into the waters of a muddy spring.

The Qur’an is also full of historical errors. It presents Mary the mother of Jesus as the sister of Moses and Aaron (obiously confusing her with their sister, Miriam). The Noahic flood is placed in the time of Moses, and the claim is made that one of Noah’s sons refused to enter the Ark and was drowned.

The Qur’an also pictures Abraham as offering Ishmael as a sacrifice in Mecca, whereas the Biblical account has Abraham offering Isaac on Mt. Moriah in the area that would later become the heart of Jerusalem.

God — The Qur’an asserts that the god of Islam is the God of Christians and Jews as claimed in Sura 29:46:
“Do not argue with the people of the scripture (Jews, Christians, and Muslims) except in the nicest possible manner – unless they transgress – and say, ‘We believe in what was revealed to us and in what was revealed to you, and our god and your god is one and the same; to him we are submitters.'”

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

The god of Islam – Allah is most definitely not the God of the Bible. Allah is presented in the Qur’an as an autocratic ruler who is aloof and arbitrary as stated in Sura 5:40:
“Do you not know that Allah possesses the sovereignty of the heavens and the earth? He punishes whomever He wills, and forgives whomever He wills. Allah is Omnipotent.”

Allah is unknowable whereas the God of the Bible is knowable as stated in 2 Timothy 1:12:
“For I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day.”

Allah is impersonal, unlike the personal God the Scriptures reveal in 1 Peter 5:6-7:
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

Here is what the Qur’an says about the God of the Bible in Sura 4:171:
“Believe in Allah and say not ‘Trinity.’ Cease! It is better for you! Allah is only one god. Far is it removed from his transcendent majesty that he should have a son.”

Allah is capricious as stated in Sura 2:284:
“To Allah belongs everything in the heavens and the earth. Whether you declare your innermost thoughts, or keep them hidden, Allah holds you responsible for them. He forgives whomever he wills, and punishes whomever he wills. Allah is omnipotent.”

Whereas the God of the Bible is trustworthy. Nowhere is Allah presented as a god of love — which is the essence of the nature of the God of the Bible as stated in 1 John 4:7-16:
“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is Love. This is how God showed His love among us:
He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is Love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us.

We know that we live in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent His Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.”

Jesus — The Qur’an denies point blank that Jesus was the Son of God in Sura 112:2-3:
“The Absolute god. Never did he beget. Nor was he begotten.”

It also denies His atoning sacrifice by claiming that he never died in Sura 4:157:
“And for claiming that they killed the Messiah, Jesus, son of Mary, the Messenger of God. In fact, they never killed Him, they never crucified Him – they were made to think that they did. All factions who are disputing in this matter are full of doubt concerning this issue. They possess no knowledge; they only conjecture. For certain, they never killed Him.”

 
Sin – There is no concept of sin in Islam and therefore no need for forgiveness. Shame replaces sin. Everything is a matter of honor verses dishonor. In the Muslim view, man does not need redemption, he only needs some guidance so that he might develop the inherently pure nature with which the creator has endowed him.
 
Ethics – The situation determines the appropriate action, not a standard of right and wrong. As an example, Al Ghazzali (1058 – 1111), one of the greatest Muslim theologians, wrote: “Know that a lie is not wrong in itself. If a lie is the only way of obtaining a good result, it is permissible. We must lie when truth leads to unpleasant results.”

The Qur’an sanctions revenge in Sura 2:194:
“If anyone transgresses … against you, transgress likewise against him”.
 
Salvation – Islam is a religion of works. One obtains favor with Allah by performing the five pillars of the faith:[*]* Reciting the creed that there is one god, Allah, and his prophet is Muhammad.

  • Praying five times a day toward Mecca.
  • Giving alms to the poor.
  • Fasting from sunrise to sunset one month a year during the month of Ramadan.
  • Making a pilgrimage to Mecca.

Another way to reach Paradise is to die fighting for Allah as stated in Sura 3:157-158:
“Whether you get killed or die in the cause of Allah, the forgiveness from Allah, and mercy are far better than anything they hoard. Whether you die or get killed, you will be summoned before Allah.”

Islam is so works oriented that it teaches that good deeds cancel bad ones as in Sura 11:114:
“You shall observe the Contact Prayers (Salat) at both ends of the day, and during the night. The righteous works wipe out the evil works. This is a reminder for those who would take heed.”

In contrast to all this emphasis on works, the Biblical Word of God teaches that it is impossible to earn salvation because it is a gift of God’s grace that is received through faith in Jesus as Lord and Savior as stated in Ephesians 2:8-10:
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works [that we do], so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do [for Him].”
 
Heaven — The Islamic Paradise is a place of sensual pleasure consisting of gluttonous feasts and endless sex orgies:

Sura 52:17-24 –
“The righteous have deserved gardens and bliss. They enjoy what their lord has reserved for them; their lord has spared them the retribution of hell. Eat and drink happily, in return for your works. They relax on luxurious furnishings, and we match them with beautiful spouses. For those who believed, and their children also followed them in belief, we will have their children join them. We never fail to reward them for any work. Every person is paid for what he did. We will supply them with fruits and meats that they love. They will enjoy drinks that are never polluted, and never sinful to drink. Serving them will be servants like protected pearls.”

Sura 55:54-56 –
“While relaxing on furnishings lined with satin, the fruits are within reach. Which of your Lord’s marvels can you deny? Their beautiful mates were never touched by any human or jinn.”

Sura 78:32-34 –
“Orchards and grapes. Magnificent spouses. Delicious drinks.”

It is interesting to note that Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world today. Popular grounds of recruitment are commonly found in prisons and low-income neighborhoods. Could the idea of eternal orgies and feasts be a primary attraction for life-long criminals, and the poor to so easily convert to Islam?


Islam is a scary and terrible thing. Muslims are not peaceful and they don’t want to fit in. They want to control the world. It is a socio-poltical fascist movement disguised as a religion. God doesn’t need you to take anything back for him…He’s GOD! It’s already his!

This is from an older entry over at OpenDiary I used to have.


Posted 6/2/2013 at 12:45 PM on Xanga

The Writing Process: A Sunrie Guide

The Writing Process
A Sunrie Guide

 
The writing process can be a long, tedious, or even scary experience if you aren’t prepared for it. Many people find they wish they could write, but end up with severe writer’s block, or worse yet, they simply don’t have the talent. Fear not! For with this guide, Sunrie shall teach you how to write like a pro! Before you know it, you’ll be writing so much you won’t know how you ever got any work done.
 
 
1. Get Relaxed
The most important thing you can do for yourself as a writer is be relaxed. There’s nothing worse than being tense when sitting down to put your deep thoughts, as shallow as they may be, down on paper. Make sure you have a comfortable chair and either music which will stimulate those creative juices or absolute quiet, whichever you prefer. If you just can’t seem to get relaxed, step 2 just may help with that.
 
 
2. Get Wasted and/or Masturbate
Get yourself some booze and rub one out. Doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, just rub one out. Whatever kind of alcohol you want is what you’ll be using. I don’t care if it’s beer or tequila, just start downing the stuff. Hell, you can even rub one out while drinking for all I care.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “But, Sunrie…does alcohol really help with the writing process?”. The answer is, “Duh!” Ever drunk text someone or had someone drunk text you? Exactly. You get all kinds of ideas and write all kinds of shit when you’re wasted. It’s not going to matter if things are typed out all crazy right now. You can fix all of that later.
 
 
3. Get an Idea
If you’re having to write something demanded by a teacher, you shouldn’t be having issues with this as it is. After all, you know what you’re supposed to write about, then why aren’t you writing? Well…if you’re like me, you hate being told what to write and end up with brain lock on the subject. However, that is what the copious amounts of booze and masturbation is for.

You don’t need an idea to start off with thanks to step 2 if you don’t already have a topic given to you. Now that you’re good and wasted, or even sexually satisfied, it’s time to think of an idea. If you’re drunk, this comes pretty easy, but if you just got done spanking yourself, it may be a little more difficult. I can’t help give you ideas, but I can tell you what not to write about:

1. Zombies
2. A Writing Guide
3. Midgets
4. Liberal Propaganda
5. What You Had to Eat
6. The Fact You Just Fucked Yourself

Now, that’s not a full and complete list, obviously, but it’s a start of what you should be avoiding. Moving on!
 
 
4. Putting It All Down
This shouldn’t be difficult at this point, especially if you’re wasted. Just start typing what comes to mind. You’re going to edit this all later, so it’s all good in the hood.

Just start writing what comes to your head. Fuck all the need for correct grammar, structure, chronology, or even punctuation. If you don’t spill your thoughts down on paper now while you can still remember them, you’re going be screwed. Hell, if this is a critical paper you must write for a class, you might end up having to spew your brains out all over the walls. Wait…what am I saying…most of you “writers” out there aren’t armed…

Remember, you aren’t actually a pro, you’re just going to be writing like you were one, and all the greats write this way. Do you really think Tom Clancy or Stephen King don’t sit down with a glass of alcohol and just start writing? Seriously, if you do, then you’ve obviously never read any of their books. Tom Clancy’s writings are about as predictably paced and standardized as you can ever imagine and Stephen King’s writings can only come from someone wasted off their ass. Though, to be fair to Stephen King, he was using some awesome psychedelic drugs when he first started, but has cut back to hard booze, and his newer writings show.
 
 
5. Fix and Edit
Okay, you did it! You managed to spew all your thoughts onto the page and have completed what you wanted. At this point, you can either leave it, as I suggest, or you can go ahead and edit everything around to make more sense. The choice is yours.
 
 
Congratulations! Now all you need to do is repeat the process for each time you want or need to write. Get out there, next superstar of writing!


Posted 1/7/2013 at 4:16 AM on Xanga