Greetings cards I’d like to see

The greeting card industry is worth billions each year. Most card purchases are $2 to $4 a piece. Even with 1.65 billion being sold at Christmas time, we’re still looking at 4.85 billion greeting cards sold each year. That’s some serious walking around money there! There are greetings cards ranging from “It’s a boy!” to “We’re sorry for your loss…”, but even with so much variation, there are a few areas the industry seems to be missing out on.

By adding just these three types of cards I’d like to see on the market, we’d see greeting cards go from being 85% purchases by women to a 50/50 split with men. Even though I can make all this money by myself offering these cards, I’m willing to allow the big name players in the industry a try at these before I swoop in and kick their ass in sales.

Oh, and you can click on the cards to get a larger view in a separate window!

1. Sorry about the STD/Baby
Everyone has cards welcoming new babies into the world and congratulating the parents (as if it’s difficult if you don’t have a poisonous womb) on having a child. What if someone didn’t want a child or you aren’t happy about it? After all, babies are the absolute worst and most permanent STD you can have. The only relief from them are death.

“Do you mean the baby’s or the parents?!” – You
“Yes.” – Me
“You’re horrible!” – You
“Meh.” – Me

This card could go for a boy, a girl, a hermaphrodite, a premie, or aids. Hell, really any STD. Does someone have herpes? Get them a “Sorry about your STD!” card. Did you mean to give them an STD? Well, then there could even be a “Surprise! You have XXX STD!” or even, “HAHAHAHAH! You now have XXX! Thanks for the bang!”

Given how slutty women and undiscriminating men are these days, the retailers would have a hard time keeping these on the shelf.

2. Kill Yourself
Why these aren’t already on the market is beyond me. If ever there was a massive market for an unconventional card, it’s this. I can list at least ten people off the top of my head I would give this card to today. Eight of them I don’t even actually know on a personal level.

Quitting your job? Give your boss this type of card. Hate your co-worker? This card! Don’t like your adult child? This card! Hate your husband? This card! Annoying and depressed female “friend”? Yeah, you guessed it: THIS CARD!

I mean, seriously, these cards wouldn’t last a day once the word got out. There are just too many people these cards can go out to. Hell…the best use would be to send them to every member of congress regardless of political affiliation!

3.I’m a fool and you’re a slut
Yep, this is true. Relationships grow stale and people are so busy pretending to still care, everything falls apart. Why pretend and let things fester to the point of domestic violence when you can express your current feelings? Sure the laundry will still stink, but at least you know what’s up.

Let’s be honest…the real reason you got with that chick is because you thought she was a slut. Well, yeah, okay, so she is. Oh, don’t get upset. Everyone woman is a slut except for your mother, but your father thought she was and that’s why you were born. As for women, the reason you got with that guy is because you thought he was foolish enough to spend money on you while putting everything else by the wayside. Your father was a fool, and that’s why your mother had you. Yep, you read it and I don’t apologize for it.

These cards are great for your screw buddy. It doesn’t matter if it’s for a man or a woman, the card works either way. I guess it could even work for your server or chef, too. Options!

I’m waiting on the endless sea of phone calls I will undoubtedly be receiving soon for the rights to sell these. Everyone else, don’t bother calling because it’s going to end up going straight to voicemail I’ll be so busy…and we all know how I feel about voicemail.