Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts in 2016

It was that magical time of year again, and that means it’s time to highlight some problems. On Christmas morning and maybe even on morning of presents for Hanukkah, someone is going to be unlucky enough to have gotten one of these gifts. Just like every year, W.A.T.C.H. is hell bent on ruining Christmas morning like a Muslim in a gay nightclub. While they do highlight some issues with toys, W.A.T.C.H. always misses the worst of the worst and instead focuses on toys targeted at boys and girls simply for being “gender specific”. Here are the actual Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts in 2016 which were given.


My Very Own Alibi1. My Very Own Alibi
This toy line is said to have been inspired by the film franchise known as Home Alone, in which a rich white child goes on a killing spree of his neighbors while getting off completely free in protest of being left alone while his family goes out shopping. Pictured is the “Roller Puncture Derby” a la carte version of the toy. Others include the mouse trap with tack and shotgun shell and hand grenade on a sstring, the second best seller. Were do we really begin with this?

First off, the knife isn’t sharp as it needs to be in order to put someone down quickly. Some people might find this as a feature, but we find it to be a minus point to an otherwise ingenious product. Secondly, the skate is very rusty, but the knife is not. We’d give it points for adding tetanus with a dull knife, but since the rust is on the skate and note the blade, this is another minus point. Lastly, there is no ramp with My Very Own Alibi, but the packaging (not shown) clearly shows it flying off a ramp.

Kids have a great imagination, and this is just lazy. The toy has nothing to put together and basically just does one thing: Roll slowly and barely stab someone. Children are going to end up just throwing the toy, which defeats the purpose of what it is trying to accomplish. Stay away and if you get this as a present, get a gift receipt.


Pogoff To Space2. Pogoff Stick: To Space
Claims from the manufacturer:

Feeling XtReMe?! Want to KiSs the SkY?! Well now you can! After three successful pumps to prime the engines, the rockets will kick in and put you close enough to kiss the pilots of MH370 as they fly by on their infinite voyage around the world in space!

Aside from the tasteless reference to the fated Malaysia Flight MH370, there’s also a slightly veiled reference for drugs. Jimmie Hendrix used the term “kiss the sky” for getting intoxicated with drugs.

Even though almost any kid, and many adults, would love to ride on a rocket propelled pogo stick, the fact is, pogo sticks are dangerous. Ever get hit in the chin while riding on one? How about landing at an angle and falling or bouncing into a bush/tree? Imagine that at 147 MPH/236.574 KPH? Yeah, that’s going to leave one bad bump on your head and a pretty bad headache. I think we can all do without this. We don’t want another “Heat Seeking Lawn Darts” fiasco during a picnic, now do we?


My First Lynching Rope3. My First Lynching Rope: The Game
My First Lynching Rope: The Game is a choking hazard in disguise as a harmless family game. If you think The Game of Life is destined to kill your little ones who eat the cars or peg-people, then you’re not worried enough. This game is enough to kill every member of the family, especially any adopted black ones.

The game revolves around getting enough people on your posse in order to lynch the person next to you. Everyone takes turns rolling dice and taking cards while moving around a board. Think of this like Mouse Trap, except you’re the mouse, the noose is the trap, and your neck is the end game. If you can’t play your card fast enough, or have a good enough one, it’s lights out.

What the manufacturer didn’t count on is most of your homes aren’t equipped to have this hang high enough, so you’ll end up either wrapping it around each others necks and pulling, or using something like a door you’ll hope is strong enough to hold up old fat Grannie Christine. There just isn’t enough through going into this game and it shows. Pass this up.


Jihad Jerry4. Jihad Jerry
I mean…wow… This is the follow up the the Ibraheem Toys’ 2014 break out gift My First Jihad. While not directly marketed as an infidel holiday gift, they sure like to time it that way. The packaging is grotesque and 100% real.

Packaging claims it’s “Everything you’ll need to end the Jewish and Christian infidels of their lives!” It contains a child’s Qu’Ran, prayer mat, 4lbs of active dynamite, mask and robe, remote detonation backup device, and a map to local Jewish temples.

The interior booklet claims:

As your children grow and learn, they’ll want to up the destructive force for the glory of Allah. Use this as a great follow up to your My First Jihad toy kit. Praise be to Allah! DEATH TO ALL INFIDELS!

Who are they kidding? The previous kit is almost a 100% death sentence to both your child and their entire day care, so there is no “…grow and learn…” involved. We are talking about Islam, after all. Also, much of the dynamite in the packaging is pretty old and very volatile, meaning there’s a good chance it’ll explode before you put it in a vest and go to school the following day to show off your toy. Pass.


Coke Head Charlene5. Friday Night: Coke Head Charlene
At least your kids are leaning a valuable lesson here: Cocaine is a party and designer drug. Unlike the Medicate Me: Molly! doll from 2014, this doll knows how to “Fuck It Up”, as the box says. This is almost a buy.

What makes this almost a buy? It comes with real cocaine! However, it only comes with 1 gram and a very small straw the doll can use. There are no refills available from the manufacturers, either. This means to get the fix the doll needs to continue being fun you’ll have to go into bad areas or convince the local pharmacist to give you some. You know, for your “nose injury”. Good luck with that. Cocaine is also very expensive, especially for twice cut Colombian. That shit is awesome.

If necessary, a supplemental toy for this one would be the Barbie Spy Squad Cat Burglar Doll which will help your precious angel break into houses and steal her friend’s stash!


Well, there you have another five toys W.A.T.C.H. didn’t care enough to warn you about. We warn you about them, because we care for you. Wrap you child in cling wrap all over their head and paint over it so they never see the horrors of the world. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!

Spiritual Pressure Overload! (Most epic, best damn Power Rangers and Bleach fan fiction crossover ever written!)

Power Rangers: Multiverse - Spiritual Pressure Overload!

“O Lord, mask of blood and flesh, all creation, flutter wings, you who bears the name of Man, Inferno and Pandemonium, the sea barrier surges, march on to the south! Shakkahō!”

Streaking out across the sky, the red energy ball flies with incredible speed toward the hollow.

“Ichigo, now!” Rangiku shouts out as the blast smacks the beast in the face, blinding it and forcing it sliding backwards.

“ON IT! Rukia, back me up!” Ichicgo instructs as he rushes forward with a powerful shunpo.

“I’m with you!” Rukia called back, dashing to the backside of the creature from her flanking position.

They had been hunting this hollow for weeks now and they weren’t going to give it a chance to get away this time. Oddly, this hollow had the spiritual pressure close to most arrancar, but it wasn’t even a vasto lorde, let alone an adjucha. No one hunting it, even Mayuri Kurotsuchi, understood it, but he was excited for the opportunity to dissect it as quickly as possible. Having been named Glutton B by Shunsui Kyōraku, the hallow managed to make a mess of both Karakura Town and Kagomino City as well. Devouring around three hundred souls a week, Glutton B needed to be stopped immediately.

Converging on the hollow, both Ichigo and Rukia raised their weapons for a strike. Eyes flashing, Glutton B stopped mid-slide and stretched both arms out to its side while laughing. Just as the duo brought their zanpakuto down on it, a bright flash, followed by a massive air blast rang out, blinding everyone. When the dust settled, neither Ichigo, Rukia nor the hollow could be seen. Their spiritual pressure completely gone from detection.


At that same moment…
Blocking the kick aimed at his head, Dustin moved forward in counter attack, punching Sky directly in his balls. Sky tried to scream in pain, but couldn’t be heard, his voice in such a high registry humans couldn’t hear it. Several dogs began barking in terror and apathy of the agony they were hearing, however. Channeling his Ranger powers into his feet, Dustin jumped into the air, taking Sky with him by the crotch and dropped him off five feet higher than he was. With an epic back-flip finish, Dustin landed on the mat slightly before Sky did, who sounded like a sack of semi-rigid dicks upon impact.

Everyone in the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice Bar cheered at how awesome the fight they just watched was. It was literally one of the most epic non-morphed fight sequences witnessed, and that’s saying something. Imagine the best fight ever made by Proxicide, you know, the guy who made Street Fighter vs Mortal Kombat, and R1665, the guy who made Exiles, and then amp it to 11 from their 11, giving you about 23 with carrying over shitting yourself, and that’s what you’d have seen. Look, sometimes your imagination is better than what you’d read, so…yeah…

“I know someone who’s going to let her junk be treated like a punching bag!” Jen exclaimed, jumping up and down, clapping her hands. Walking away like a bad ass, Dustin simply shook the hand he used to give Sky the most permanent vasectomy ever provided. Throwing herself against Dustin, Jen started to dry hump him in front of everyone.

“That’s amazing… Ziggy, the power enhancers you had Doctor K create are some serious bad ass technology,” Tommy stated, giving Ziggy a high five for being so cool, but this was Ziggy Grover…the Ranger god, so Tommy was really just wanting to touch him.

“Of course. You’ll have half access to Ranger power at any time when not morphed. Understandably, you won’t ever be as powerful as me even still,” Ziggy stated, combing his hair back and fixing his sunglasses. Ziggy was so awesome he even wore the shades inside most of the time and no one ever said a word about it. It also helped his glasses doubled as a means to detect trouble and were completely clear when looking through them on the inside when necessary. Several people rushed over to help Sky by dragging him into a chair and placed a few whiskey sours in front of him. Sky’s eyes were rolled back into his head and a constant stream of drool spilled from his mouth.

“Ay dios mio! He doesn’t look good!” Carlos exclaimed, grabbing Sky’s wrist and checking his pulse, “Well, his heart is beating, but that swelling in his pants isn’t from a churro!” Groaning in a high pitched whine was Sky’s only response.

“Well, as long as he’s alive, he’ll be fine,” Dustin stated through the tongue bath Jen was currently giving him, “Come on, Jen. Let’s finish this in the bathroom like responsible young adults!” Jen simply giggled after jumping off Dustin and grabbed his wrist, dragging him into the men’s room.

“I hope they don’t slip on the mess in the men’s room. I don’t think anyone cleaned up since Jen and I were in there ten minutes ago. I feel bad for whoever has to as well. It’s dripping from the ceiling,” Ziggy stated, finally taking his glasses off and folding them into his pocket.

“What I don’t like is how quiet Evildron has been lately. We haven’t seen a monster attack in almost a month…” Carlos mused, scratching the back of his head.

“After the ass kicking we gave him last time, I think he may have given up!” Tommy stated, throwing a few awesome punches at nothing, “That ass will never be the same!”

“Funny,” Ziggy said flatly, walking toward the bar to get more alcohol, “Jen told me the same thing on our way out of the bathroom.” Through his pain, Sky manged a very high pitched, “Ew!”


In the villain’s base…
Evildron was serious the last time. He was now on vacation and nothing was going to ruin it for him. Granted, his vacation was watching intergalactic Netflix and drinking, but it was his way of relaxing. All the while, Sloan had been working tirelessly to get his creation up and running. Everything Evildron had was available to Sloan, but he wasn’t allowed to use any of the previously created monsters, and that included the lackeys, to attack the Rangers.

“Ah, that’s the ticket!” Evildron said to himself as he slammed back another beer from his twenty four pack next to his recliner, “What the hell has Sloan been up to all this time, I wonder…eh, fuck it. I need me more intergalactic ecchi!”

Down in the depths of the evil lair Sloan was still hard at work. Replacing the candles and bright spot lights for energy efficient LED lights for better visibility, he typed so quickly he was sweating.

“Just a few more lines of code and you’ll be finished!” Sloan exclaimed over to his monster, currently hidden in a large crate with numerous tubes attached to it, all of which smoked randomly. Almost in reply, the creation made an angry groaning noise. Sipping on a hot tea, Sloan entered in a few more keystrokes before a bright flashing “Sequence Finished” appeared on his screen, making him laugh like a possessed man. From no where, a pipe organ sounded off in a C chord, shaking the entire foundation, then was followed by heavy metal guitar riffs.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Evildron screamed as he was thrown from his chair. Picking himself up, he ran as quickly as he could down into the lair while plugging his ears and screaming in anger. Reaching Sloan, the music slowly faded out and came to an end. Twisting one of Sloan’s ears, Evildron began shouting directly into it.

“What did I tell you about the music?!” Evildron bellowed, “We agreed you would stop that every time you made a discovery, or finished making brownies!” Sloan groaned and twisted, desperately trying to get away from Evildron’s grasp. Finally slapping Evildron’s hand away, Sloan slinked toward the container housing his creation.

“Sorry! I thought with the completion of my ultimate monster I could have an exception. Besides, it just seemed like a cool thing to do…” Sloan whined, rubbing his sore ear, “Do you want to see it?” Shrugging and cracking open another beer he had carried in his hoodie pocket, Evildron motioned for Sloan to continue. Walking over the container, Sloan stretched his arms out to his sides, fingers clawed upwards.

“Gentleman! What you are about to see is my life’s work! An ultimate creation if you will! This will be my final thesis for my doctrine! The destruction of the Power Rangers will just be gravy on my mashed potatoes, in which I will also dip my turkey! BEHOLD!” Sloan shouted, pounding on the box. After the third pound, the hoses hooked up began to blow off their connection ports, spewing smoke, possibly toxic, around the room and blinding anyone near it, including Evildron.

Coughing like crazy and holding on to his beer while trying to cover his face, Evildron was already not amused at the theatrics Sloan was putting on. If he was trying to impress him, he wasn’t doing a very good job at it. With thunderous slams, which also cleared away the smoke due to the impact with the ground, the container fell open revealing a four story tall metal cat. Not a lion, but a cat. Like a calico or tabby. However, this cat was adorned in gold, silver, unobtainium, and black zirconium. There may have even been some mithril and adamentium in it, but those were extremely difficult to get a hold of, even for Evildron.

“Hmph,” Evildron said, hammering back his beer and tossing the empty container off to the side with a loud burp, “It’s okay, I guess…what do you call this…this…thing, anyway?”

“Isn’t it obvious? It’s the Large Operational Leonine Combat Attack Titan!” Sloan said happily, slapping his hands together in one loud clap.

“I don’t get it…” Evildron stated, scratching his growing beer gut.

“Really?” Sloan asked shocked, “Large Operational Leonine Combat Attack Titan? L.o.l. C.a.t!”

“L.o.l. C.a.t?” Evildron stated in half question before pointing an accusing finger right at Sloan, “NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!!”

“That’s not very nice… Well, look at it closer! It has it’s own intelligence! It’s basically living metal! Also, it can be combined with a pilot in a direct mental link to enhance it’s powers. Watch this,” Sloan instructed Evildron as he punched in a few codes into his wrist controller, which he took out of a coat pocket. In a small yellow light, Sloan was teleported away and into the L.o.l. C.a.t. Rearing back, it echoed out a half meow, half growl. “Impressed now?!” Sloan asked, his voice blasting out hidden speakers.

“I don’t know. It’s just lacking a certain aesthetic, really. No sexual nature. No questionable power connected to that sexual nature…” Evildron hummed. Suddenly, the entire ground started shaking once again, this time not caused by anything the villains were doing. Being forced to the ground as if gravity suddenly increased a hundred times, Evildron grunted and tried to force himself to stand to no avail.

“What’s going on Evildron?!” Sloan whined, unaffected to the pressure bearing down on them due to being in the L.o.l. C.a.t. The fabric of reality began to tear directly in front of them, revealing a pulsing dark, purple and black nothingness. Reaching out from it was a sickly white arm with a reverberating scream causing them both to cover their ears. Like glass shatter, the doorway exploded into countless shards and disappeared.

Standing where the portal appeared was a tall creature nearly as tall as the L.o.l. C.a.t, but almost completely white except for some black and orange tribal stripes scattered about its body. Instead of a regular face, the creature had what looked like a skull, but smoother. There were no eyes, just dark portals with small yellow dots. Opening its massive jaw to take a deep breath, the creature’s tongue snaked out of its body. Snapping the jaws shut, the creature exhaled a small blast of grey smoke from the nostril holes. Looking around the cave, the creature grabbed Evildron with one hand and effortlessly picked him up. Bringing him close to his skull, the hollow first sniffed Evildron and then licked him.

“Oh, that’s, just…just disgusting!” Evildron complained, kicking his legs trying to get away, drool running down his face. Looking Evildron over once again, the hollow tossed him to the side, obviously no impressed at all.

“Evildron! What is that thing?! What’s with the hole in the middle of its chest?!” Sloan shouted from inside his creation. Hearing the voice, Glutton B turned and grabbed the L.o.l. C.a.t. by the neck and started choking it, screaming in frustration. “Stop! STOP!” Sloan screamed in terror as the creature grabbed the L.o.l. C.a.t. even tighter and began to devour it face first. “NOOOOO!” Sloan shrieked Suddenly, there was another explosion of energy, this time a blinding white beam and a blast wave so fierce it blew off the ceiling, destroying Evildron’s house above.

“Oh, you mother fucker!” Evildron shouted in anger as he got up, “I’ll make you pay for that! I’ll…drown you in a bag in the river!” As everything settled, the hollow had merged with the L.o.l. C.a.t, taking on a more feline look. The pressure he felt when he first arrived was even stronger and once again pinned him to the ground. In a scream of victory, the hollow leapt from the deep crater to the rim with no effort. Turning its attention to the city, it began running with massive speed, its spear like tail whipping behind it as it ran.


Back at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice Bar…
Primal screams came from the men’s room as Dustin and Jen finished their savage screw session. Sky was finally feeling better, though the swelling in his crotch was still pretty bad, however, the whiskey sours were taking care of a lot of his pain.

“Glad to see you’re more among the living,” Tommy told him, slapping his shoulder, “You got knocked the fuck out, though!”

“Yeah, Dustin may be a dweeb, but he’s one hell of a fighter…always has been! Something’s been bothering me, though…with this injury to my balls Jen’s still…” Sky trailed off, believing his damaged sack meant Jen couldn’t possibly be his future relative.

“What are you talking about? Jen…” Tommy began to say, but was cut off sharply from their communicators springing to life.

“Rangers! Emergency! Evildron has just released his newest monster. It’s like nothing we’ve ever detected before!” Zorgon’s voice actually sounded stressed out.

“So much for the break,” Carlos stated disappointed, “We’ll take care of it Zordon, no problem.”

“Good, Rangers. The monster is heading for Angel Bay Crest Grove Municipal Park. Be careful! Alpha 5 and I are getting some really strange readings from this thing. Also, tell Dustin and Jen to finish in the bathroom. You might want to call a hazmat team for clean up,” Zordon instructed.

“What the hell, Zordon! You mean you’ve been spying on us?!” Dustin’s angry voice questioned over the communicators.

“I spy an all of you all the time. Remember that. Now get going!” Zordon demanded.

“Let’s see how good these power enhancers really are!” Sky stated, standing up slowly, “I’m going to try running there instead of just teleporting. Besides, it’ll look cool!” Looking at each other, both Tommy and Ziggy shrugged and then nod in agreement to Sky’s proposition.

Channeling all the Ranger power they could into their legs, the group, except for Jen, who was still too weak from the groin slamming she received, rushed out toward the park to help.


At the park…
L.o.l. Glutton slammed hard down onto the ground, watching people running away in terror. Thanks to the enhancements from Sloan’s creation, the hollow was even more terrifying than before. With Sloan being mentally connected to the L.o.l. C.a.t. a the time of being fused with it, this hollow now had a heightened intelligence as well. Several people, much more sensitive to spiritual pressure than others, were immediately pinned to the ground, causing L.o.l. Glutton to target and devour their souls, but not without batting them around a few times for fun first.

In color appropriate streaks, the Rangers arrived at the park, awestruck at the sight before them. They had never seen anything like this before, nor had they ever felt spiritual pressure. Fear ran down everyone’s spines when L.o.l. Glutton reared back its head, letting out a fierce hollow style scream, with an underlying cat meow.

“What…the…fuck?!” Sky stuttered out, feeling as though he were being pressed down with a massive weight across his entire body. Everyone felt the same and were now using most of their Ranger powers just to keep standing up.

“Hey guys! What did I..!” Jen said, rushing in and immediately being forced to the ground, her crotch making a squishing noise as she did, “WHAT IS THAT?!”

“It’s about to be dead, that’s what it is!” Ziggy shouted, “Get into mother fucking gear!” Following Ziggy’s lead, the Rangers performed their choreography and morphed, a massive power explosion behind them taking out half a block and killing ten people fleeing for their lives. Sensing a change in power, L.o.l. Glutton turned its attention to the Rangers and let out a loud hollow roar and was enveloped in a yellow light streaked with black energy. Now standing around 6’5″ tall, L.o.l. Glutton took on a more human like look with lithe feline characteristics, the tail pointed directly at the Rangers. Even though the creature was smaller now, the Rangers were having a hard time just standing. With an eye flash, L.o.l. Glutton sped through the Rangers faster than they could see. Now behind them, the hollow began to laugh as the Rangers each took significant damage, sparks flying off of their suits as they were tossed into the air like rag dolls.

“O Lord, mask of flesh and bone, all creation, flutter of wings, ye who bears the name of man, truth and temperance, upon this sinless wall of dreams unleash but slightly the wrath of your claws! Hado number thirty three: Sōkatsui!”

Blue energy blasted L.o.l. Glutton directly in its chest, but did nothing except create smoke. Looking down at where it was hit, the hollow simply scratched the area and looked around for the source of attack. Ichigo came down from the sky and brought down both blades of Zangetsu onto L.o.l. Glutton’s shoulders, striking as hard as he can, but the blades do nothing except come from a dead stop.

“What the?!” Ichicgo calls out as the hollow’s tail wraps around him and brings him face to face with the creature, ” What are you?!” Roaring in Ichigo’s face, L.o.l. Glutton tosses him to Rukia and increases its spiritual pressure. Reaching its full power, L.o.l. Glutton pinched its nipples, at least where its nipples would be, and laughed. Striking a pose similar to Michael Jackson in Beat It, it then began to moon walk before spinning in a circle, grabbing its groin, thrusting forward and blowing a kiss to both Ichigo and Rukia.

“That’s not normal behavior for a hollow… What’s going on here?” Rukia questioned Ichigo, her sword at the ready. As L.o.l. Glutton kept making lewd gestures, such as the international sign for eating pussy and sucking dick, the Power Rangers managed to shake off the damage they received and rushed in to attack. Sky was the firs to reach it and delivered a massive volley of fire enhanced kicks rapidly all over the creature before jumping away. Jen was next, striking the monster with attacks channeling water. Carlos arrived and used his Hispanic inspired personality to bash L.o.l. Glutton with wind based attacks, you know, because of lawn work such as leaf blowing. Dustin pummeled it with rapid punches wrapped in earth. Ziggy rushed in next and engulfed the hallow in almost total darkness, collapsing the pocket dimension he created, with Tommy following up with a blast similar to Goku full of light energy. L.o.l. Glutton was blown sideways and through a building, ending with an even more massive explosion of energy, which would have killed another ten or twelve people if they were still around.

“WOO!” Jen shouted and jumped into everyone’s arms, rapidly kissing them all through her helmet while dry humping Sky’s chest, “We did it!”

“Bueno! We kick in its culo!” Carlos shouted, taking a victory boob grab.

“Never fuck with a Power Ranger!” Tommy exclaimed, slapping Jen on the ass.

“Hey! What are you idiots doing?! What’s going on here?!” Ichigo yelled at them all as he and Rukia ran up to them. Instantly dropping the foreplay to their orgy, the Rangers all stood in a line, looking the two over.

“Who are we? We’re the ones who destroyed Evildron’s latest monster. Who the fuck are YOU?!” Sky asked, pointing directly at Ichigo.

“They don’t appear to be quincies and they’re obviously not shinigami…fullbringers maybe?” Rukia half asked, “We’re soul reapers! I’m surprised you can see us!”

“Of course we can see you. We’re the god damn Power Rangers, little girly. Now run along you before you get hurt, or pregnant,” Ziggy instructed, waving her off.

“How dare you! I am Rukia Kuchiki and have lived ten of your miserable lives! How dare you call me little girly or imply I’d be so easily knocked up!” Rukia screamed back, pointing her zanpakuto directly at him.

“Easy, Rukia. Don’t be so damn rude, you jerk. Look, we got off on the wrong foot. I’m Ichigo Kurasaki, what are your names?” Ichigo asked, attempting to break the tension.

Jumping into a quick huddle, the Rangers agree to introduce themselves and did so while shaking their hands. From the wreckage of the building destroyed when L.o.l. Glutton was knocked back, the hollow arose one again, screaming in anger, powered up even more than before, causing massive waves of spiritual pressure to come down on everyone.

“I…will…make…you all…eat…my dick!” L.o.l. Glutton moaned out in anger. Obviously due to Sloan’s influence the hollow as now able to talk; this was rare unless it was a much more powerful type, such as a vasto lorde.

“Oh no! Looks like you didn’t take care of it as well as you thought!” Ichigo exclaimed, the hollow rushing them all and coming to a sudden stop, a blast wave knocking them all backwards several hundred feet. Continuing to scream, L.o.l. Glutton began to grow in size and power, until it stood over the tallest buildings in the area. Leaning forward, it then inhaled sharply and began to suck up souls for miles around, causing his power to continuously grow.

Standing with lots of groaning and whining, the Rangers, along with the two soul reapers, looked up at the incredible image before them.

“This is bad…really, really bad!” Sky shouted, “We’re going to need the Megazords! Ziggy…I hope those enhancements to combine with our Zord are finished!”

“Obviously! Don’t worry. As long as you don’t fuck up, it’ll work!” Ziggy replied, “You two, just sit this one out!”

“Don’t count us out! Ichigo…we’re going to have to go bankai,” Rukia instructed. Resting his sword on his shoulder, Ichigo shook his head.

“I haven’t even tried going bankai with my new zanpakuto…I’m not even sure I can fully manifest it yet,” Ichigo replied, looking up at the hollow, “The last thing we need is for it to back fire…”

“I believe in you. Always move forward!” Rukia encouraged him, grabbing him by the collar and shaking him lightly.

“Okay, okay! But what about you? Your bankai only lasts four seconds and is good for one attack…” Ichigo said with concern. The last time he saw Rukia use her bankai, it nearly killed her.

“Don’t worry about me… I’ve been training really hard,” Rukia said with a smirk. Nodding, Ichigo brought both of his swords together while Rukia lined up Sode no Shirayuki.

“Bankai!” they both shouted at the same time, channeling as much power as possible. Energy swirled around them and exploded, blinding everyone. Dust continued to spin around them as their power released.

“Yami ni rirīsu Zangetsu…” Ichigo could be heard saying.

“Hakka no Togame…” Rukia’s voice was heard next. As the dust cleared and the wind stopped, Ichigo and Rukia stood in their bankai forms in this world: The Gold and Silver Rangers!

“What’s this?!” Ichigo asked, looking himself over rapidly, surprised at his new look.

“Yeah, this isn’t my bankai!” Rukia replied, equally shocked at the transformation. Everyone had communicators now, even Ichigo and Rukia, and the speaker sprang to life.

“Congratulations, soul reapers, on becoming Power Rangers! With your new powers comes new techniques. Call upon your Megazords and assist the other rangers in taking out your hollow!” Zordon’s voice shouted in happiness.

“RIGHT!” Ichigo and Rukia both shouted, turning back to back, with one foot raised and touching the heel of the other, one arm over their heads and pointing with both hands at the other Rangers.

“Rukia?” Ichigo asked.

“Yes, Ichigo..?” Rukai responded.

“What the hell are we doing?” Ichigo asked, jumping away and stomping his foot.

“I don’t…I don’t know…it just seemed so natural…” Rukia responded, “So…let’s just call these Megazords then… Let’s see here… There’s the command!” Without any noticible effect, both Rukia and Ichigo were in the Gold and Silver Megazords. Ichigo’s Megazord was like a ninja with a long, thin blade, much like his original bankai with Tensa Zangetsu. Rukia’s Megazord was like a geisha, only it had a traditional looking katana swirling with ice.

“Wow, look at those Megazords!” Jen shouted, pointing excitedly, “Let’s get our Megazord combined with Ziggy’s!” The two Megazords walked up to each other, and began to dance like two middle schoolers trying to twerk on each other. Spinning around and slapping the Megazord on the ass, Ziggy’s Ultimate Battlezord then fused with it. Standing there before them was a Megazord they decided was the Fucking Ultimate Battlezord Ascension Realized, or F.U.B.A.R. They weren’t very good at this.

“Kick ass!” Dustin screamed, seeing the awesome interior of the F.U.B.A.R, and instantly getting a massive boner, “This is some beautifully detailed work! It’ll be nice to beat up on Evildron’s creations in luxury!”

“That isn’t one of Evildron’s creations, you idiots,” Ichigo told them through their telepathic connections from the new Megazords, “That’s a hollow from our world! It eats souls to grow in strength. It may have managed to absorb something in this world to become as strong as it is now.”

“Who the shit cares? We’re going to knock its shit in…literally!” Ziggy shouted, followed by a, “RIGHT!” from every other Ranger in the F.U.B.A.R. Rushing toward the hollow, they punched it stomach, causing it to stop inhaling souls and bend forward. Placing a hand on the back of its neck, the Rangers spun around behind it and began to fist its ass repeatedly with their Power Fist of Justice.

“Pound that ass!” Ichigo shouted and then stopped, blinked, and looked over at Rukia, “What’s happening to me?”

“I don’t know, but I want in on this!” Rukia giggled and rushed L.o.l. Glutton and wrapped her legs around its face, “RIDE ‘EM GIRL!”

“See if you can hold on for more than eight seconds!” Ichigo laughed, completely gone at this point, “Time to plug its hole!” Jumping into the air while screaming, “YAHOO!”, Ichigo dropped down onto the hollow’s back and began to fist the hole while laughing like a mad man. Having enough of the attention given to him, L.o.l. Glutton reared back and blasted them all off of him with an area cero. All the Megazords were knocked across several buildings, killing hundreds who had gathered to watch, including half of the city’s news crews.

“I will devour all life!” L.o.l. Glutton screamed and began to power up once again.

“We need to end this NOW!” Ichigo shouted, “Let’s combine our attack!” The Megazords lined up, shoulder to shoulder.

“I’m transferring the chant to all of you! As soon as you receive it, repeat it together and we’ll combine it into one massive bakudo!” Rukia instructed. Punching in a few commands, the transmission was complete and they all chanted at once.

“You who is crowned with the name of Man, wearing a Mask of blood and flesh, flying on ten thousand fluttering wings, with Thunder’s carriage and an empty Spinning Wheel, break the Light into six pieces, carve a twin Lotus on a wall of Pale Blue Flames, and await the Blazing Fires to reach the Distant Heavens! Bakudo number sixty one: Rikujōkōrō!”

Six beams of light slammed into the hollow’s mid section, paralyzing it and holding it in place.

“NOW!” Tommy called out. Every Megazord let loose its ultimate attack, striking the hollow almost at the same time, causing it to scream in agony before slowly disappearing and the smaller particles exploding in the air, killing another twenty people with the shockwaves.

Back at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice Bar
A large party was awaiting the Rangers as they returned, full open bar, and all they could eat food. Ichigo and Rukia were feeling slightly more like themselves, but they couldn’t shake the impression this messed up universe was having on them.

“Excellente job, vatos!” Carlos said, slapping Ichigo on the back. Ichigo just gave him a thumbs up and a smile while taking a seat.

“ Thanks, uh, I think…we really should be going…” Rukia stated, pulling on Ichigo’s arm.

“But…I haven’t slut you up as a thank you, yet!” Jen stated, starting to dry hump Ichigo’s leg.

“Well, I guess we could…HEY!” Ichigo shouted as Rukia forcefully pulled him off the stool.

“You’ve all been wonderful. Take care!” Rukia shouted, opening a door to the soul society and dragging Ichigo with him before they were completely over taken by the dimension’s ability to mess with their heads.

“Well, pooh…” Jen stated. Sky slowly slid up to her, giving her a wink, and they both ran off to the men’s room.

“Glad to see everything ended up in our favor. Looks like we really taught Evildron a lesson again. Hopefully we won’t have to deal with any more of those hollows, or whatever they’re called,” Dustin said, slamming back a Bacardi and diet, finally manning up and drinking booze.

“Like Tommy always says, ‘Don’t fuck with the Rangers!’” Ziggy said, doing an even more epic spin kick than Tommy ever could.

“Speaking of fucking with Rangers…where’s Sky and Jen?” Tommy asked, looking around. Screams of agony and passion erupted from the bathroom as Sky finished Jen in record time and came out smiling and sweating.

“Wow…she is good!” Sky said, dropping into a chair exhausted.

“Uh, Sky..?” Tommy said slowly, “What, uh…what did you do?”

“Well, dumb ass, since my balls are busted, I realized she couldn’t possibly be my great, great, great granddaughter,” Sky said, putting his hand up for a high five.

“Sky…ALEX would be your biological descendant…Jen was married in to the family. So, technically, she’s still your granddaughter,” Tommy informed him, deadpanned look.

“…oh…shit…” Sky said, slumping forward and dropping his arm.


Back at the location the hollow was defeated
Evildron was looking over the destruction caused by Sloan’s failure. Shaking his head and drinking his fifth of Jack Daniels out of a brown paper bag (no open containers…not even with this amount of evil around. Can’t change all the laws) Evildron took note of all the impressive buildings and trees still standing. In front of him, a pile of rubble began to move on its own, so he stepped closer to investigate, kicking some of the debris away.

“Sloan?!” Evildron shouted as Sloan climbed out of the wreckage, “My word, you survived! Well…get off your ass and back to the lair. You have to rebuild my god damn house!” Reaching up and covered in dark energy, Sloan grabbed Evildron by the throat and began to inhale, pulling on his soul as did. Evildron felt the life leaving him when Sloan finally stopped, his soul snapping back into his body.

“No, Evildron. You will rebuild it, and you will rebuild it to my specifications. Just remember…I can do that any time I want!” Sloan stated, his voice deeper, his muscles larger (well, for a nerd), and his eyes burning with a dark fire.


WOW! EPIC AS SHIT! Where is this going next?! Will there ever be another Gold and Silver Ranger? Who the fuck knows..?

The Golden Age is Gone!

Fear. Panic. Annoyance. Death. Acceptance. Well, okay, maybe acceptance before death, but not always. Not always. As we all have been made aware, The Golden Age has officially come to an end as reported by our council of elders in their watch towers (AKA skyscraper business complexes in various states).

I am here for all of you in this trying time, so don’t worry. As a matter of fact, I am going to assist us in these trying times by offering the soothing voice which will guide many through the darkness in the coming days. Even with The Golden Age at a finish there is a silver lining. That is to say, the Silver Age, with a small “the”, is now here.

Silver, unlike gold, isn’t as pure nor as nice. Gold can do all kinds of things which silver cannot. This is going to be the worst thing for the Silver Age. You see, second place is generally a silver medal. Since second place is the first to lose then silver is the first to suck. Granted, the coming the Silver Age won’t suck as hard as the bronze Age, so there is that.

What can you expect in this the Silver Age? For one thing, you can be sure everything which came before will have been better: Movies, videogames, music, dancing, and food. None of this is going to be as good as The Golden Age, so brace yourself for that. Food will taste less delicious because everything considered “bad”, which gives it flavor, will be removed, leaving a bland, yet more healthy, food item. Movies will be less entertaining and nothing except remakes of great movies in the past without any of the understanding as to why the original was good to begin with. Music will be nothing more than disconnected sounds of cars slamming into each other while a modem screams a connection in the background. Dancing will simply be running around naked while doing the helicopter as dirt is poured from the ceiling, since soap suds has already been done. Videogames will be nothing more than fifteen minute adventures, which will require you to purchase the ability to continue playing after each three minutes for what will eventually become 2.5x what you ORIGINALLY bought the game for and you will also have to pay a monthly subscription fee on top of it as the game designers snort coke of high dollar hookers’ asses while never addressing game play nor hacking issues until it costs them money from said hackers.

the Silver Age may seem bleak, but it’s not going to be all bad. We will be smarter than those who are born during this time. As they grow older, they are moving toward the bronze Age and as such will have less and less common sense than those of us around right now. Eventually, sure, they will be in power, but the vast majority of them will be so mangled from their own stupidity, we will have a nice decline in population, also meaning we will be more beautiful than they are. Not to mention we will always be able to out exercise them due to their obesity and sedentary life style well into our 90’s.

We know Times are Changing simply for the sake of change, but I think we can do this. Allow me to be your guide, your guru, your guy who holds all your money because you can’t be trusted with it. You know this is true. Please, no checks. Cash only.

Together, we can do anything, because of me.

Revised Employee Handbook from Human Resources (Must Read)

Employee Handbook Revisions

Attention All Employees:

The following are revisions for the 2015 Employee Handbook. Each Employee is expected to read through each rule change and sign off, in agreement, on the bottom of this document. Failure to do so will be grounds of termination.


HR §141-22.4.4 – Work Attire – Ties (Men)
Previously listed as…

…solid colors only with no discernible patterns nor be offensively bright.

Now listed as…

…anything worn by those idiots from the Def Comedy Jam tour…you know what we mean!

 
 
HR §141-22.5.6 – Work Attire – Skirts (Women)
Bringing ourselves into the modern area, this section has been rewritten. Previously listed as…

Skirts for all women must be to the knee or lower. No skirt may be above the knee or have slits of any length.

To show we’re now hip and much more cool, the section now reads as the following:

Skirts for any person must be to the knee or lower. Skirts may not be above the knee, but may have up to a 3″, no longer, slit on one side of the leg or the other. All legs must be shaven.

We live in the now with you.
 
 
HR §215-11.2.3 – Usage of the water-cooler
This section has not been updated since 1952 and we never felt the need to, but we’re bringing ourselves up to the 2015 expectations of such a great company. Previously listed as…

Water coolers may be used by whites only. No niggers, no spics, no kikes! You shouldn’t even be working here if you’re one of those anyway.

It is now listed as…

Water coolers may be used white Caucasians only. No African-Americans, no Hispanics, and no Jews. You shouldn’t have been hired to begin with, except the Jews in our accounting department. Use your own water cooler.

 
 
HR §222-2.22.2.1 and – §222-2.22.2.2 Personal Item Displays in cubicle (NEW ADDITION)
It is important for people to feel comfortable at work and personal items are a great way to do this. We already allow small pictures and even a few toys on your desk, but in the wake of new portable technologies, we have added something new.

*-*.*.*.1- Any cooking item must be properly grounded when plugged in to prevent fires.
*-*.*.*.2- No deep friers are allowed since we like to keep employees somewhat thinner than the norm.

We like fried cheese as much as the next guy, but given we keep most you in your seat for up to twelve hours a day for little pay, we’re going to do our part in helping you stay healthy.
 
 
HR §311-M.D.K – Firearms and other weapons
In order to keep employees safer at the work place, we have revised this section. Previously listed as…

Firearms and other weapons, including but not limited to pocket knives, are prohibited for possession on company grounds. This includes, but is not limited to, the parking lot areas as well.

It is now listed as…

Firearms, other weapons, and anything which may be used as a weapon, such as your own personal pens, scissors, or staple removers, are prohibited to be in your personal possession without supervision from a Manager II or higher. This includes, but is not limited to, the unlit parking lot areas as well. The parking lot is now without lights to keep people from seeing you come and go, which makes you safer, since no one will know you’re there. We are also telling everyone through the media and using roadside billboards to let everyone know our employees pose no threat since they are completely unarmed.

Your safety is one of our top priorities!
 
 
HR §318-1.2.3 – Harassment (Sexual)
Sexual harassment is a real problem. Women don’t have to deal with it, so remember that. Originally listed as…

Any written or spoken comment, graphical depiction, unwanted look, touch or other action, or anything which may be interpreted as a sexual nature is prohibited.

Now listed as…

Just because you’re a fat, ugly or homely bitch doesn’t mean the woman getting more attention than you doesn’t like the attention she’s getting. Maybe she’s loving and asking for it. If you’re an attractive woman and you’re wearing a blouse which shows off 90% of your breast, expect people to look. Don’t wear it or shut the fuck up.

Stick with your own gender for workspace friends if you don’t like how one gender acts toward the other.
 
 
HR §525-2.1.1 – Internet Usage
As people have gotten used to the Internet, its attraction and mystery have begun to wane. As such, we have revised our Internet policy to reflect the changing attitudes of the people. Previously listed as…

Internet usage is to be limited to only work related items such as project research or sending e-mails. No personal web browsing is allowed. Any violation of this will be grounds for termination!

Now listed as…

Internet usage for pornography is to be limited to your 30 minute break. This ensures your finish as 10 minutes is too short. Usage of Facebook is limited to one wall post and one crop watering per day! You may only view on YouTube, but have unlimited time to view, Sunrie Gaming, Speedy and the Crew, and Vanoss Gaming since those guys are hilarious.

We feel this is the best compromise for personal use to balance work related items.
 
 
HR §666 HAIL SATAN!
No revisions. We’re just reminding you.


Please sign below indicating you have read, agree with, and promise to comply with all revisions of the company.

I, ________________________________________, do swear to uphold, with unrelenting courage, all rules and revisions presented to me. HAIL SATAN!

or

I, ________________________________________, formally resign and commend the dark lord to take my soul now. HAIL SATAN!

DC Comics characters with disabilities – Nerd Speak #1

For the first installment of Nerd Speak, we join Sunrie and Wyldfyre as they discuss DC Comic characters with disabilities which negate their super abilities.


#1 – Flash: Diabetes with no legs or has Parkinson

Sunrie: Imagine the Flash being so fat he ended up with Type II Diabetes! That super speed sure as hell isn’t helping now, is it, fatty? Seventy six hot dogs an hour isn’t exactly the best diet!

Wyldfyre: Or a the best for speed! Or even seventy six hot dogs a minute. I’m sure he can speed digest. I mean, I don’t know that…but…you know…

Sunrie: I know Michael Phelps has one hell of a caloric intake each day, but can you imagine what this guy must go through? What if no one told him about limiting his sugar intake?

Wyldfyre: He’s got, like, speed diabetes! He has to take those shots every five seconds. “Fuck! I broke that needle off in my asshole, guys!” Yeah, they’re super heroes, but they’re only human, too. Bad things can happen them at the worst times. “I’m fighting my arch-nemesis, but I got the dye-bet-as!”

Sunrie: True enough…what if he had that Michale J. Fox thing…Parkinsons?

Wyldfyre: Oh, god, dude. yes, he’d shake so fast he would end up, like, takING a nap and end up in dinosaur era, or some time in the future when everyone has his powers. The problem is, they wouldn’t have Parkinsons, so he could see what his life would be like. Better yet, he would phase! He’d shake so fast he’d end up in the center of the Earth. He’s phased before.

Sunrie: No shit…

Wyldfyre: Would lava hurt you if you’re phased? Would you just come out the other side like the Earth just cummed you out? You know, like the Earth just shit you out?

Sunrie: I think it’s time to move on…


#2 – Superman: Xeroderma pigmentosum

Sunrie: “Hey, guys, I’m powered by the sun, but that sun kills me. Fuck you! I’m only going out at night!”

Wyldfyre: “I’m the night time super hero! If a train goes off the cliff at noon, then you’re on your own, so fuck you!”

Sunrie: “Oh, the sun is so bright and scary…let the day time guys take care of that!”

Wyldfyre: “I”m not a man…I’m a SUPERMAN!” First, it’s a normal day for Clark Kent, but he walks out the door and beam of sunlight hits his arm catches on fire. He starts running, screaming cause he’s on fire… The very thing that gives him power is his second kryptonite.

Sunrie: He’d be a total night owl.

Wyldfyre: Yeah, he’d be a fat bastard like the Flash, jerking off to Internet porn all day. “Ooooooh, Louis Lane! I’d love to get with you, but the sun burns me!” Kind of like the Thundercats enemies who can’t go in the daytime. I mean…even the moon reflects the sun.

Sunrie: I don’t think as much…but if he’s out all night and not in the day I’m sure he could still get a suntan. Which brings up a good question I’ve always wondered: Why isn’t Superman at least as orange as one of those cock-suckers from Jersey Shore?

Wyldfyre: Yes…the good thing, though, is he doesn’t have to put up with Snooky. Fucking Superman.


#3 – Lex Luthor: Brain tumor

Wyldfyre: I can see this. All bad shit! I envision the Justice League seeing a 20K” TV, which Batman bought, and he laughs, “Hahahah, guys! I did…uh…something…to piss…uh…SOMEONE off…What did I do? Hold on, I got a phone call…uh, hello? Uh huh…yeah…what?” This is all going on during the screen time with the Justice League. It’s really awkward.

Sunrie: He’s around a level 9 intelligence or some bullshit, and his brain is being eaten away like Steven Hawking’s legs.

Wyldfyre: Dude…

Sunrie: What?

Wyldfyre: Nothing. I’m sure he did get cancer at one point.

Sunrie: No…I think the only reason he wore the suit to fight Superman, if that’s what you’re thinking.

Wyldfyre: No, he got cancer. Let me check the Wiki!

Sunrie: Oh dear god…

Wyldfyre: Says he cured cancer! Oh, this is about the wrestler…oh, no wait…no it isn’t. Turns out he did get cancer by wearing a kryptonite ring!

Sunrie: HAHAHAH! What a fucktard!

Wyldfyre: Why didn’t they realize there was some radiation if it was affecting Superman?

Sunrie: Uh…because DC and fuck you?


#4 – Batman: Afraid of the dark

Sunrie: Technically, bats don’t see in the dark, they use ultra-sonic…some shit or another…to find their way. It’s basically Doppler radar, but they don’t have to pay for it. It’s kind of cool. From what I can tell, Batman has all the features of a bat on his outfit, without the cool powers.

Wyldfyre: Pretty much. He’s, like, the spoiled rich bitch, who can order everything through E-bay. He can take down all the other characters, because they were stupid enough to tell him.

Sunrie: I would never tell anyone my weakness! Pussy doesn’t count, because I’m a man.

Wyldfyre: If Batman was afraid of a the dark, would he be screaming for Alfred to hold his hand as he goes back up to the mansion? He’d have to call himself Daywalker or something. “I am vengeance, I am the DAY!!! I AM DAYWALKER!”

Sunrie: I’m sure there is a super hero named Daywalker, but don’t quote me on that.

Wyldfyre: He’d HAVE to change his name! Birdman would suck, and he’s already an attorney. Lemur-Man? He’d have to be like Sunlight man. His outfit would have a smiling sun drawn by some four year old.

Sunrie: Captain Sunshine is probably what his name would be. He’d be the happiest super hero ever. He’d be Superman’s arch-enemy, too.

Wyldfyre: The Joker would just turn off the lights and cattle prod him to the penis. That’d suck. I’d hate to die like that. Rant over.

Sunrie: Dude…what the fuck?


#5 – Martian Manhunter: Xenophobe

Sunrie: I’ve never really understood or even know shit about Martian Manhunter. I know his name is John or some stupid shit…because, you know, that’s a god damn Martian name. Why are Martians always green? Even Cowboy Bebop had Spike who had green hair.

Wyldfyre: Spike wasn’t an alien, was he?

Sunrie: He was from Mars.

Wyldfyre: Oh, that’s right. Martian Manhunter is like the Charlie Brown of the DC Universe. He changes into a human to keep people from knowing aliens are among them, except, you know, SUPERMAN!

Sunrie: I was going to bring that up.

Wyldfyre: Yeah, in the animated series, I’m sure he’s a black guy, so, you know, equally useless.

Sunrie: I don’t know how to argue…

Wyldfyre: He’d hate all humans because, to him, WE are the aliens. He’d have a hick accent and speak like Foghorn Leghorn. His people taught us to build the pyramids!

Sunrie: Would he want us to leave?

Wyldfyre: Of course! His kind were here first! To him, we’re all higgers!

Sunrie: Higgers???

Wyldfyre: That’s what they call us!

Sunrie: Oh, that makes sense.

Wyldfyre: If he’s drinking at the bar, disguised as a black dude, and someone comes in while he’s drinking, he’d throw a fit because he’d refuse to pay for some higger giving him a drink.

Sunrie: I think we got a little side tracked.

Wyldfyre: Nope.


#6 – Wonder Woman: Afraid of heights

Sunrie: Wonder Woman is a joke, but not on purpose. What good is a lasso which makes people tell the truth? “I have you in a lasso which makes you tell the truth!” she says…followed by him going, “NICE FUCKING TITS!!! I WANT TO FUCK YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING!!!”

Wyldfyre: Let’s give her some arm things…and a god damn lasso, and an invisible god damn jet. That makes so much sense. What if she catches someone and asks something stupid like, “Do you have a crush on me?!” Does it work if you just touch it? Does she have to tell the truth all the time? That would be against the nature of women, anyway.

Sunrie: True, but that’s just a normal stupid thing about her, like the invisible jet itself. We’re going into things which would be a disability besides being a woman.

Wyldfyre: It’s like you don’t want to give her a disability since she was written by a retard, obviously. You have Batman, who’s amazing, you have Superman who’s the Goku of the DC universe, then you have Wonder Woman *retard voice* I have an invisible jet! */retard voice* Let’s just give her an invisible jet!

Sunrie: True. How does she even find that damn thing? I have a hard time imagining her feeling her way through the damn airfield for 20 minutes…or someone crashing into it.

Wyldfyre: If she was afraid of heights, since she can fly now, I can see it all, “Captain Cocksuck is getting away!’ She’d be running while everyone else is taking off and flying, even Batman who’s in his Bat-plane.

Sunrie: Captain Cocksuck???

Wyldfyre: I had to make up a vilian. How about Sergeant Cock’n’balls?

Sunrie: Not better…

Wyldfyre: Anyway, what if she had to climb a tower and was the only one who could get up there? Imagine a bomb which would destroy all time and space, but she’s the only hope. Would she shit herself after fifteen feet? Can you imagine shit through that g-string she wears? It’d be like a cheese grader!

Sunrie: It’d be chocolate rain…just don’t drink it.

Wyldfyre: Back on the plane: Why would someone from Greek mythology need an invisible JET?! I WANT TO KICK THE WRITER IN THE NUTS!!

Sunrie: Again, because DC and fuck you.

Wyldfyre: Batman’s like, “Everyone can fly now but me, what the fuck, man?”


#7 – Green Lantern: Germaphobe

Wyldfyre: So, would they have to put him in a bubble? Well, not everyone who has this disease is in a bubble, but what if they had to?

Sunrie: He’d be like a hamster in a wheel, which would be hilarious.

Wyldfyre: The act of him putting that ring on itself is what made him so sick. The aliens didn’t realize the human immune system was so fragile. Sadly, the bubble couldn’t be a construct of his own power, it has to be an actual bubble.

Sunrie: His powers also couldn’t go outside of the bubble. He’d never get with a woman…ever.

Wyldfyre: Yeah, he’d be all like, “All the day, and black of night, no woman will escape my sight!” He’d be fucking a green version of the chick he always wanted, but his dick is flopping all over the place.

Sunrie: It’d be like Game of Thrones, but his dick would be hard. Still, would his own dick snot make him sicker?

Wyldfyre: It is coming from him…he’d probably clean it up with some magic Mr. Clean who’s all green and shit.


#8 – Joker: Tree huger

Wyldfyre: I can actually kind of see this! Batman would be at a peace rally and Joker is chanting, “Stop this war! Stop this war!” Batman is just chilling when Joker turns to him and asks if he knows how he got the scars. Turns out Joker got the scars from hugging a tree and the bark cut his face up.

Sunrie: Well, Liberalism is a mental illness. So, this is plausible.

Wyldfyre: Joker would have to call himself like, Flower Spit, since he turned over a new leaf.

Sunrie: That’s a really bad pun…

Wyldfyre: Well, I like it…I really like it!

Sunrie: I’m just glad we didn’t go with the obvious of Joker not being funny.

Sunrie’s ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (AKA Crappy Night Before Christmas)

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house
Everyone was bitching,
Especially my spouse…With my sis in the whore house
And my bro smoking grass
I had just settled in
For a sweet piece of ass.

Then out on the lawn,
I heard such a clatter
That I jumped up from my whore,
To see what the fuck was the matter.

Away to the windows
I made that made dash!
But slipped on some precum,
And I busted my ass…

Then what to my stoned eyes did appear?
It was a rusted out sleigh,
And eight fucking reindeer!

There was a dirty old man,
He was beating his dick,
And I knew without doubt
Hey, it must be Saint Nick!

He bounced off a roof top
And over the house wall
Screaming, “Onward you fuckers or it’s off with your balls!

Then he came down the chimney,
Like a bat out of Hell…
I knew in that moment,
The fat fucker…he fell.

He said not a word,
Gave his cock a quick jerk,
Winked right at me,
And then got straight to work.

He filled up our stockings
With whiskey and beer!
Oh, and a big rubber cock,
For my brother…that queer.

That’s when he rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart…
That son of a bitch…
He blew my chimney apart!

He swore and cussed
As he swerved out of sight
Yelling, “Fuck all you bastards…
I’ve had a Hell of a night!”

——
This appeared on my old Geocities website (musashinobouken) as early as 1996 and has since be circulated around the Internet in incomplete forms.

————————
Posted 12/25/2010 at 2:23 AM on Xanga

A man climbed a mountain (s)

A long time ago, in a small village tucked away in the hills, a young man climbed the mountains behind his small village.  He did this as a test to prove that he was ready to be a grown man, as did all the other boys in the village.  Knowing little of the rest of the world, because they were settled in such a tiny place, everyone agreed that their mountain was the biggest and tallest of all of them.

After all, all the neighboring peaks were smaller than the one they lived next to.  Even others who would come to stop by the tiny village marveled at the height at which the mountain rose above them.  So, with great pride the villagers would send their youth up to the very peak in order to prove their worth.

Having been successful, the youth was expected to now help out the village by becoming a man that would bring them a constant high quality of life.  He attempted farming, fabric dying, and even weaving.  Sadly, he could not find something to which he could become proficient at.

One day a merchant entered into the village to sell his wares.  Impressed at the way in which the young man was able to articulate a deal, the merchant invited him to join him on his journeys across the land.  With the promise that the young man would one day be returning to the small village, and that the money he made would come back to his family, the man hungrily agreed to the idea of adventure.

Me and Lisa (work acquaintance) on top of Torrey's Peak)He knew that he would miss the friends he become dear to and also his loving family.  However, the idea of making a fortune while traveling the world was too much for the young man to possibly pass up.  Packing his bags, the young man said his goodbyes to both family and friends, picked up his things, and left, not knowing what he would find outside of what he had understood his entire world to be.

Skydog on Torrey's PeakThrough the years of travel, the young man matured and grew into a fine man.

All the while, he experienced wonders he never imagined where possible.  He saw groups of people from places he could not even pronounce and heard words spoken he could not understand.All the while, the man become stronger and smarter.  His mind was expanded to the greater expanse of the world.  It wasn’t for many years that he finally returned to his small village.

Me on top of Grey's PeakWhen the man finally returned home, he was greeted with great respect and admiration.  Everyone wanted to know more about the travels and the wonders he had seen.  With great vigor and detail the man explained all of it.  Someone finally asked the man if anything he had done could compare to climbing the large peak behind their village.

With a wide smile, the man explained that, while the people he met and the places he visited did not compare, he did climb a much larger mountain.  However, because none of the villagers knew about this mountain or if it was, in fact, larger than the one behind their tiny village, they either did not care or did not believe him.  Broken hearted and slightly enraged, the man took the small fortune he made and continued to travel the world, climbing ever larger and higher mountains in hope that one day those back in the tiny village would recognize his great achievements, and maybe even join him.

First Ascent On  Top (Torrey's Peak)

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Posted 7/28/2010 at 10:44 PM on Xanga