Foodie Review – TGI Friday’s Ghost Pepper Wings (s) (t)

Before I really get into this review, let me introduce a new title modifier, the “(t)”! After talking to someone in person who reads my blog, I was told it was extremely difficult to tell when something on here is true. I can understand that. I’m a massively sarcastic asshole, so it can be difficult to tell when something is both true and serious. So, the “(t)” modifier tells you it’s true. The “(s)” still means it’s serious, which I figured covered true as well, but I guess it doesn’t have to include it.

Yes, this entry is both serious and true. I’m not writing satire. How I feel about these wings is true.

A quick history:
Growing up in Southern California allowed me to exposed to a lot of good cuisine. I was also able to sample a lot of different spices. I’m not shitting you when I say I’ve eaten some moronically hot stuff. When I would go into the garment district of L.A, my family and I would buy chorizo breakfast burritos so hot they would burn your eyes just walking up to the roach coach. Sure the Mexicans would laugh at us as we’d sweat and snot, but damn they were good! I eat both raw and cooked jalapenos like candy. I once had a teaspoon of hot sauce put directly into my mouth which was so hot you had to sign a waiver to buy it and it was required to be in glass to keep it from eating through the plastic. Yes, really. It literally ate a hole through the paper plate. It hurt and I will probably never eat it again. I regularly eat habanero hot wings, though I don’t shovel them into my mouth. Several of my friends can testify to watching me eating wasabi straight off of chop sticks with no problem. One friend can even testify to seeing me do that with the REAL wasabi you get in Japan which costs 100$ a pound.

I don’t seek out and devour hot stuff, but I like to be tested. I was hoping to be tested this day. I was not. My list goes from “no heat” (for example Del Taco’s Inferno sauce) to “fucking hot” (like a habanero). Before anyone says it, I’m not claiming to be a chili head nor someone who has a tough mouth.

In the same vain, it’s interesting to note CS gas doesn’t affect me, but pepper spray does. If it gets in my eyes anyway.

TGI Friday’s has brought back the changeable all you can eat appetizer awesomeness. It’s fucking amazing. Those pot stickers, baby…those pot stickers. Eat more than two plates and its paid for itself. The whole thing is one of the best deals they’ve ever done.

I was excited to see they added new items, even if most of them I’m not interested in. It’s good stuff, don’t get me wrong, as the bites I took from my wife’s plate were delicious, just not something I’d get for myself. While trying to decided what we’d order next for ourselves, I picked up the table topper and noticed the flavors of wings listed. My eyes lit up, my soul began to sing, and I pointed out they had ghost pepper wings!

My wife also got excited. Not because she was going to have any since anything hotter than a few splashes of red pepper makes her cry, but because she knew I could eat pretty hot food and wanted to see me do it. Yes, we’re strange, and that’s one of the reasons the marriage works. Sorry fan-girls. Please don’t commit suicide over this.

When the waitress asked what we wanted to put in for the next round of appetizers, I excitedly told her I wanted those ghost pepper wings. Now, in my mind I was expecting something mouth hurting. You know, somewhere between the Blazin flavor at BWW and a habanero sauce. Because, well, ghost peppers are very much hotter than a habenero and I consider those to be fucking hot at 100,000 to 350,000 Scoville.

When the ghost pepper wings arrived on the table, the smell stung my nose and my eyes a little. On top of these blood red wings covered in sauce were some jalapenos. As a joke I told my wife they were there to seem like they weren’t hot and were palette cleansers. Picking one up on a fork, I was excited. Taking a deep wiff my nose cleared and my eyes actually burned a very little bit.

Smiling, I took a bite and…meh. Now, don’t get me wrong, the flavor of these things is AMAZING. They are DELICIOUS. They are not, however, hot. I’d put them around my medium. I was very disappointed with the heat level.

Honestly, these need to be hotter. My wife believes they were toned down due to legal reasons, but I believe they aren’t really ghost pepper infused. See, the reason for this is because of the jalapenos on it. I think these are definitely hotter than their traditional wings, and they aren’t vinegary in the least, which I loved.

So, yes, they are very delicious and I would order them again any time, but if you’re looking for something hot, don’t look here. I know I’m in the minority with how hot I can eat (I’ve also eaten Thai chilis straight and claimed they were in my hot range for sure), but these just made me sad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to be crapping fire later…just not the blood I was expecting.

Should you get them? If you want to say you ate ghost chili wings and pretend you’re awesome to those who haven’t had them, do it. If you like hot food and want something with flavor, go for it without hesitation. My wife thought they were hot and coughed on them, but she sweats eating a chili rellano (poblano chilis are what they use) sometimes and those are only rated at 2000 Scoville.

Good food. Disappointing heat.


Little Known Legendary Creatures #1 – Buffalo Wing Fairy

Legend of the Buffalo Wing Fairy

There are more things under Heaven…I could look up how the rest of this goes since I’m already on the Internet, but I’m too lazy to do it. Besides, I’m not here to quote Stephen Hawking, I’m here to talk about some little known legendary creatures.

Almost everyone knows about the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, The Boogey Man, and the Chanukah kawala, but how many of you out there know of the others? I’m talking about creatures such as the Cheese Goblin, or even the Buffalo Wing Fairy. How sad it is we have already begun to forget about these amazing creatures.

So, what I’m going to do is tell you about them here! First up, we’re going to learn about the Buffalo Wing Fairy!

Little is known of the origins for the Buffalo Wing Fairy. It first appeared in literature around 1968 in Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World. The book has this to say about the entity:

Buffalo Wing Fairy is a great and mighty marques. He is common among the fraternities in the Eastern seaboard area of the United States. He commeth abroad in the form of a love child between Chuck Norris and Bob Ross with multi-colored wings reminiscent of marshmallow fruit candies. Unlike the hidden fist bearded Chuck Norris and the happy painting Bob Ross, however, the creature produces deliciously fried chicken wings lightly battered and tossed in a fiery sauce which is pleasing to the palette. He understandeth all things good and bad with a fraternaty pledge and member alike, while he ruleth six legions of divils.

Still, there are suggestions he may be much older than that. Reading older texts shows a similar creature mentioned, but producing other items for consumption going back to 200BC. The book Falsum Libro Daemones, the Even Lesser Key of Solomon the King, writes about this creature and has this to say:

The one hundreth seventy first spirit is Bhainsa viṅga parī. He is summoned by placing a container of fermented wheat beneath a head resting while sleeping. In the night, he shall approach. Should you have been truly good and deserving, he shall accept your offering and in return place a plate of crispy delicacies upon your chest for consumption upon your awakening. He appears as being bathed in light, his faced adorned by a mighty beard which may or may not hide something and his head is crowned by a ball of dark brown, maybe red, hair which is both entertaining and happy. Upon his chest is a massive blue B against his off white robe, which only comes down to his mid thighs. He is in control of six legions of demons.

Were the “crispy delicacies” buffalo wings? We can’t say for sure, but it does some what match what we know now of the creature.

Originally the Buffalo Wing Fairy seemed to be only reported in America, but it is now being recorded wherever buffalo wings are being made.

The Buffalo Wing Fairy has some strange powers. Not only does the Buffalo Wing Fairy have the ability to enter into any structure in order to collect beer as an offering, it can appear in multiple locations at once. No amount of research has explained if there are many Buffalo Wing Fairies or if this is one creature existing in multiple areas at once.

The buffalo wings produced are said to be the greatest in existence. Because no one has been able to resist the urge to eat all of the wings upon waking up, there has been no research in examining what makes them so delicious. Many restaurants have opened in an attempt to produce the amazing flavors, but none have been successful, though it is worth noting the flavors they have come up with are wonderful.

All attempts to contact the Buffalo Wing Fairy have resulted in failure. Since the creature is obviously telepathic by some means, it can detect the traps set up and will refuse to collect the beer as an offering, meaning no buffalo wings. Children are also unable to contact the Buffalo Wing Fairy unless they are of legal drinking age in the area of the world in which they reside.

Like Santa Clause living in The North Pole, the Buffalo Wing Fairy has its own area of dominion. While little is known about where it resides, we do have this excerpt from Mertvoye kniga iz Eksperta, author unknown:

Flying into the homes to collect beer, but not hard liquor such as vodka, this creature is known to few. According to one account of a conversation, the creature said it comes from a land of bubbling oil and crumbs of many special breads. Dripping from the species of an unknown plant, the secretions are added to the chicken, after it is cooked, for the most amazing, and heavenly, of flavors. All the chicken used is free range, antibiotic free, and no artificial hormones are added, nor are there any extra preservatives. One must be truly good and deserving to taste the succulent treats it offers.

Could the unknown substance placed on the chicken wings from the plants be what the Greeks called ambrosia? It sure seems likely!

Role in Modern Society
With the decrease of many beliefs this day in age, the role of the Buffalo Wing Fairy seems to be one of tragic forgetfulness. Since people now prefer to simply drink all their beers rather than offer them to the creature in exchange for the wings, coupled with the ability to easily get buffalo wings, the Buffalo Wing Fairy could disappear into obscurity.

Still to this day many fraternities actively pursue the Buffalo Wing Fairy in order to bring them the delicious wings, and the trend is once again beginning to catch on with those who are hungry for wings and don’t wish to attend the travesty known as Buffalo Wild Wings. There have even been whispers of some sororities, such as Kappa Kappa Kappa and Ti Sto Diáolo participating in these practices.

Practice vs. Christianity
Christianity has a strong anti-occult practice rule. However, this has not stopped Christians from either ignoring this rule, or making an attempt to bring the secular into their religion, which is against their religion’s rules. Many Christians celebrate Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, and even allow their children to believe in the Tooth Fairy and/or Santa Clause, all of which are a pagan ritual at the core, and therefore, a huge sin against their rules.

So, why stop there? Allowing one self to offer beer to a slightly overweight man with wings who happens to wear an outfit so tiny even Peter Pan would blush seems right in line. There are even those out there who claim since this isn’t an actual worship, there is “no harm, no foul”. Believe what you wish.

Summoning and Spiritual Rankings
Summoning of the Buffalo Wing Fairy seems to require a beer which is cold in either a can or, preferably, a long neck container and placed under your pillow. At some time during the night, if you had been truly good and deserving, the Buffalo Wing Fairy will place a plate of buffalo wings on your chest so you can eat them upon waking. If the summoning isn’t true or you do not meet the requirements, the Buffalo Wing Fairy will not come, you will not have hot wings, and your beer will be ruined.

Rank: Marquis
Sign: 10° – 19.59.59° Virgo (September 14 – 22)
Time of Day: After Midnight, but before Dawn
Planet: Uranus
Metal: Bone and Skin (not really a metal, but considered)
Command: 6 Legions
Tarot Card: 2 of Jesters

Just got out of the hospital (s) (t)

Yes, I’m serious.  This is not a cry for help.  Why would it be when I say that I’m OUT of and not “bound for”.  I have to get that kind of thing situated out because, aside from the people I allow to friend me, there are a lot of morons out there.

It started Monday.  I was graced with the day off because I worked Sunday.  It would be the only day this week that I worked.  Around two thirty when I decide that I’m bored as Hell and need to eat.  Well, being the health conscience guy I am, I decide to head to Chili’s and have their happy hour chips and salsa for an appetizer (it’s free during the day in the bar area), an Arnold Palmer to drink, and a buffalo chicken sandwich.  The health part is a joke in this instance.  Do you get that part?  Yes?  Are you SURE?  Moving on.

I finish up and head over to Best Buy in order to pick up a few movies.  I hadn’t really decided which ones yet, but I had thought about picking up the collections of Afro Samurai (after discovering that it actually was awesome), Shaolin Soccer (it’s funny and has good choreography) and possibly Kung-Fu Hustle (again, awesome).  Well, as I looked around I happened to glance in the video game area and see that the PS3 is now…$299.99 for a 120GB model.

The first thought in my mind was, “Ah fuck…they dropped the price again and I have the money…”  After a lot of deliberation I pick it up, along with a $20 bluetooth headset, which I can also use with my phone, and Red Dead Redemption.  Yes, I know I already have it for my X360, but it has faster load times I’ve noticed, a little smoother play, and a much better online community…plus most of my friends have the PS3 and now I can play for free with them instead of paying $60 a year to play with strangers…fucking assholes.

Anyway, it’s around 6PM and I start feeling nauseous and the sun is starting to glare my TV anyway, so I tell my buddy that I’m going to stop playing for a while.  I figure that I gave myself simulation sickness from using Dead Eye too much and making the camera whip around so much…I’m mean when I play online and do NOT fuck around.

Taking a few deep breaths, I start to feel a little better.  Now it’s around seven and I decide to take a shower.  As soon as I open the curtains…all hell breaks loose.  I spin around, throwing the toilet open and the spew starts…without mercy.  The moment that the spew stops I have to turn around and blow mud all over the toilet.

I have never been that violently ill.  At one point, it’s literally so bad, that I’m sitting on the toilet with my head in the shower.  It got so bad that I actually had to call my mother over to help me because I was so weak.  Do you have any fucking idea how horrible it is at my age to have your mother help you to and from the restroom to throw up and other things?

I ruined one of my deep pans because I couldn’t keep vomiting in the shower.  No, I’m NOT fucking kidding, it was that bad.  I couldn’t keep water down, let alone the Pedialyte.

Until about three in the morning on Tuesday the vomiting continued without mercy.  I was so weak I could barely walk.  After passing out I woke up and the nauseousness finally ceased.  I couldn’t eat, my stomach hurt beyond description, and I had knots through out my back and neck.  Light hurt my eyes, the sound of the house settling hurt my ears, and everything ached.

Figuring the worst was over, I simply called out from work and told them I would be in the next day as I got over this.  The diarrhea continued.  Almost no solid waste.  It was like the water was going straight through me.  I was starving, but couldn’t actually eat.  I would want food, but the moment anything, including plain noodles were in front of me, I couldn’t eat more than a bite.

I toughed it out through the day and went into work on Wednesday.  After being there for less than an hour and using the restroom five times, I was graciously sent home (they understand that when I am not well, I am not just playing around and are willing to work out a solution with me because of it).  At this point my mother is considering canceling going to Cali to see the rest of the family for the week, but I assure her that I am finally starting to pee a little again and I will be fine.  She and my step-father leave, and I was wrong.

I ended up in the emergency care, thanks to my grandmother and cousin being close enough to come get me, because I was so dehydrated.  The doctors were afraid that my kidneys were damaged from the severity of it all, and because I had not urinated since Monday before I had eaten.  They are still a little worried about my liver, but not a lot, because some people’s livers are just naturally slightly bigger than others, and mine didn’t seem sensitive.  Maybe that is why when I was younger I never got hangovers when I drank so much?  Not that I did that very often.

I spent hours hooked up to IV’s to get hydrated and had two failed blood tests because my veins wouldn’t cooperate *LOL*  Good news is, I’m fine now.  My kidneys no longer hurt, I’m able to keep rice and plain things like that down, and I’m just drinking Pedialyte along with water throughout the day to keep hydrated.

Now I know how people can actually die from food poisoning.  Lesson is, go to the fucking doctor’s people.  You don’t want to end up on TheDarkCreature’s table.

Posted 6/25/2010 at 1:18 PM on Xanga