Revised Employee Handbook from Human Resources (Must Read)

Employee Handbook Revisions

Attention All Employees:

The following are revisions for the 2015 Employee Handbook. Each Employee is expected to read through each rule change and sign off, in agreement, on the bottom of this document. Failure to do so will be grounds of termination.


HR §141-22.4.4 – Work Attire – Ties (Men)
Previously listed as…

…solid colors only with no discernible patterns nor be offensively bright.

Now listed as…

…anything worn by those idiots from the Def Comedy Jam tour…you know what we mean!

 
 
HR §141-22.5.6 – Work Attire – Skirts (Women)
Bringing ourselves into the modern area, this section has been rewritten. Previously listed as…

Skirts for all women must be to the knee or lower. No skirt may be above the knee or have slits of any length.

To show we’re now hip and much more cool, the section now reads as the following:

Skirts for any person must be to the knee or lower. Skirts may not be above the knee, but may have up to a 3″, no longer, slit on one side of the leg or the other. All legs must be shaven.

We live in the now with you.
 
 
HR §215-11.2.3 – Usage of the water-cooler
This section has not been updated since 1952 and we never felt the need to, but we’re bringing ourselves up to the 2015 expectations of such a great company. Previously listed as…

Water coolers may be used by whites only. No niggers, no spics, no kikes! You shouldn’t even be working here if you’re one of those anyway.

It is now listed as…

Water coolers may be used white Caucasians only. No African-Americans, no Hispanics, and no Jews. You shouldn’t have been hired to begin with, except the Jews in our accounting department. Use your own water cooler.

 
 
HR §222-2.22.2.1 and – §222-2.22.2.2 Personal Item Displays in cubicle (NEW ADDITION)
It is important for people to feel comfortable at work and personal items are a great way to do this. We already allow small pictures and even a few toys on your desk, but in the wake of new portable technologies, we have added something new.

*-*.*.*.1- Any cooking item must be properly grounded when plugged in to prevent fires.
*-*.*.*.2- No deep friers are allowed since we like to keep employees somewhat thinner than the norm.

We like fried cheese as much as the next guy, but given we keep most you in your seat for up to twelve hours a day for little pay, we’re going to do our part in helping you stay healthy.
 
 
HR §311-M.D.K – Firearms and other weapons
In order to keep employees safer at the work place, we have revised this section. Previously listed as…

Firearms and other weapons, including but not limited to pocket knives, are prohibited for possession on company grounds. This includes, but is not limited to, the parking lot areas as well.

It is now listed as…

Firearms, other weapons, and anything which may be used as a weapon, such as your own personal pens, scissors, or staple removers, are prohibited to be in your personal possession without supervision from a Manager II or higher. This includes, but is not limited to, the unlit parking lot areas as well. The parking lot is now without lights to keep people from seeing you come and go, which makes you safer, since no one will know you’re there. We are also telling everyone through the media and using roadside billboards to let everyone know our employees pose no threat since they are completely unarmed.

Your safety is one of our top priorities!
 
 
HR §318-1.2.3 – Harassment (Sexual)
Sexual harassment is a real problem. Women don’t have to deal with it, so remember that. Originally listed as…

Any written or spoken comment, graphical depiction, unwanted look, touch or other action, or anything which may be interpreted as a sexual nature is prohibited.

Now listed as…

Just because you’re a fat, ugly or homely bitch doesn’t mean the woman getting more attention than you doesn’t like the attention she’s getting. Maybe she’s loving and asking for it. If you’re an attractive woman and you’re wearing a blouse which shows off 90% of your breast, expect people to look. Don’t wear it or shut the fuck up.

Stick with your own gender for workspace friends if you don’t like how one gender acts toward the other.
 
 
HR §525-2.1.1 – Internet Usage
As people have gotten used to the Internet, its attraction and mystery have begun to wane. As such, we have revised our Internet policy to reflect the changing attitudes of the people. Previously listed as…

Internet usage is to be limited to only work related items such as project research or sending e-mails. No personal web browsing is allowed. Any violation of this will be grounds for termination!

Now listed as…

Internet usage for pornography is to be limited to your 30 minute break. This ensures your finish as 10 minutes is too short. Usage of Facebook is limited to one wall post and one crop watering per day! You may only view on YouTube, but have unlimited time to view, Sunrie Gaming, Speedy and the Crew, and Vanoss Gaming since those guys are hilarious.

We feel this is the best compromise for personal use to balance work related items.
 
 
HR §666 HAIL SATAN!
No revisions. We’re just reminding you.


Please sign below indicating you have read, agree with, and promise to comply with all revisions of the company.

I, ________________________________________, do swear to uphold, with unrelenting courage, all rules and revisions presented to me. HAIL SATAN!

or

I, ________________________________________, formally resign and commend the dark lord to take my soul now. HAIL SATAN!

Advertisements

Banker started to draw a gun on me (s)


Let me start off by saying I actually really like my bank and the branch I always go to here. The tellers, personal bankers, and greeters generally recognize me, unless it’s a new hire or a time I don’t normally go in. They’re always friendly and offer to help me if I need it. I know most people have a problem with Wells Fargo, but they’ve always been great to me. Banks as a whole are terrible, so take that for what it’s worth.

Now it’s time for me to say the only real reason I am writing this is because Wells Fargo thought it would be “cute” to have every one of their Twitter accounts follow me on Twitter after I made this post: CroiDhubh on Twitter – February 20, 2014. Given how Wells Fargo has been known to close accounts involving anyone having anything to do with firearms, I’m not going to reveal too much of my personal information nor “DM”, as they asked me to do on Twitter. I’m also not going to reveal which branch it was at. They can read this here.

It’s no secret I live in Colorado and it’s no secret I carry every day, all the time, everywhere I can. By “everywhere I can”, I mean anywhere not prohibited by federal law and by “I carry every day”, I mean I open carry 100% of the time. Colorado is an open carry state and the only prohibitions are anywhere you cannot conceal carry under federal law (elementary schools, federally owned buildings, etc) and in the city/county of Denver, because…well…Denver likes to have victims. In this state, a sticker or sign does NOT equal a “gun free” (victim) zone. In order to have a true “gun free” (victim) zone all entrances and exits must be locked except those in active use and have metal detectors on those doors and have an armed security guard on duty.

I may not be a competition shooter, but I do combat handgun training at least once a month and put anywhere between 100 and 250 rounds through each of my own pistols every time I go. If I can, I will do a “casual” range day in addition to my pistol training as well. At one point I was going three times a month, but that’s expensive and the PS4 just released, which I bought…and love…not as much as my wife, but close. Now I’m only doing one to two trips a month.

With that said, since I carry at work and generally only go to the bank on my way to work, I carry. The employees at what has become my main branch have grown accustom to me and know I’m generally a good guy, am chatty and friendly, and try to make it as easy on them as they do for me to do deposits or get information. Today was a littler different, and kind of sent the tone for the rest of my day. Though not necessarily a bad thing.

I go in with my paycheck literally in hand to do a deposit. When I enter in, I’m greeted by one of the banker dudes (for lack of a better term and laziness on my part) welcomes me in as I’m heading over to the table in order to fill out a slip. He happily tells me I don’t have to fill one out and they can do it for me, which I am grateful for and follow him over to the teller counter. I recognize two of the ladies to my left, the one to my right, the personal banker behind the counter and say hi to them. The personal banker has helped me a few times and he’s training a new teller.

The new teller is as great as the others, being chatty and friendly, asking me the questions he’s required to without being annoying, and we all talk about different hings while being in a good mood. I get everything finished satisfactorily, I give my goodbyes, and start to head out. I hear the greeting banker dude tell me to enjoy the rest of my day, and I turn to tell him the same. It’s at this point I see one of the female personal bankers (FPB) coming out of the area they are usually in walking towards the teller area. I’m smiling, waving, and in a good mood telling the greeter, “Thanks, man! You too!” when I see the FPB stop dead in her tracks, take a wide stance, reach behind her with her right arm, slide her arm down and then move her arm back up. Her eyes are the size of dinner plates.

Now, I’m sure some of you out there are thinking, “Well, maybe she was just getting her cell phone or putting her wallet away or something?” That’s fine to consider if you aren’t a firearms person. Anyone who has been around firearms and people who carry firearms knows that motion. I’ve been in the military as military police, I was a police explorer for four years in high school, and I was a police officer as well. Almost my entire family carries as well. I know that motion and I know fear when I see it. This was fear and someone having a firearm ready to act.

I literally just chuckled and said, “Ma’am, that absolutely won’t be necessary. I’m obviously on my way out and my business has finished. Have a good one!” I was still nice and smiled when I said it. She watched me all the way out and didn’t move from her spot. The greeter looked at me and then her, and then me back, but I didn’t elaborate on it.

I am, beyond anything related with firearms, a believer in education and training more than anything else. If I wasn’t who I am, she may very well have ended up having a very terrible day. Her mentality at that moment was, “I have a gun! I must defend us!” What she needs is some force on force training and better education to begin with. With the situational awareness and common sense I was exercising at the moment made it obvious I didn’t need to freak out or attempt to defend myself. I’m glad she didn’t present her firearm in my direction, otherwise I would have responded appropriately.

If you’re going to carry a firearm for protection, you owe it, not only to yourself, but everyone else to have a good head on your shoulders. There’s no reason for her to have start that draw. If she really thought I was a possible threat (with my back to her and walking out), she should have sought out at least concealment if not good cover. Instead, she was out in the open, completely frozen in place with her hand on her firearm and unready to act. If she really felt the need to have the firearm that ready, it should have already been pointed at me while she screamed directions at me and more than likely already firing. She should be glad I’m not one of the bad guys.

Will I continue going to that branch? Hell yes! They generally kick ass and are a great bunch of employees. Just because one lady needs to get her head on straight and get some damn training under her belt doesn’t mean Wells Fargo or that branch is bad. I’ll keep doing what I do since it’s my right. I don’t even have a problem with the fact one of their employees was packing. I am glad they had an employee carrying a firearm. I only hope the lady takes this as an opportunity for herself to realize she needs some schooling on defensive firearms.

Things ruined by you people on the Internet

There are some really awesome things which have been ruined by all of you people out here on the Internet. Genuinely awesome things completely ruined. Every time you dipshits get a hold of something, you blast it up all over the Internet to the point of it becoming the most overused, annoying bullshit in the world.

Since you brain dead ‘tards like lists so you don’t have to think, here’s a list of 5 things ruined by you people on the Internet! (No particular order)


1. Bacon
Bacon rules, but you jackasses ruined it. Now everywhere you go on the Internet, someone has something posted up about god damn bacon and how it’s the best shit in the world. I mean, look at the irony here! I’m talking about how great bacon is while bitching about how you ruined it, while making references to how everyone has to post something about fucking bacon! Someone call the god damn irony police, because there’s a felony here!

There are TV shows about bacon, websites about bacon (most of which aren’t created by the actual manufacturer of the bacon itself), entire Internet memes about bacon, and even bacon costumes for pets. I know what you’re thinking…”But bacon IS awesome!” Yes, but now that it’s become a god damn Internet meme which refuses to die, I don’t even order it when I’m dining out anymore. Hell, there’s even a fucking Qdoba commercial talking about how their three cheese queso is better than bacon. It’s not. However, can’t blame them for bringing up the fact that bacon has been ruined. When someone asks me if I want bacon or sausage, I always tell them sausage. Why? Because bacon has been ruined thanks to you dipshits. Besides, you get more food when you order sausage.

2. Firearms
Firearms are the shit. They provide a great stress relief, a bonding opportunity for families, a means of collecting organic meats (do it yourself, you pussies), and self protection against psychotic assholes…most of which are you people out here on the Internet.

Guns don’t kill anyone. My pistol hasn’t killed anyone and I’ve had it since 1998, but you idiots sure seem to think they do. I have several older firearms which have never killed anyone as well. Guess it’s people killing people and not the firearms.

In addition to the dipshits out there who think that firearm laws are a magical kind of barrier (Connecticut mental health asshole who stole the guns from his mother took them onto school grounds, which is already against the law!!!!! WAKE THE FUCK UP!), there are all those idiots out there who post up firearm videos acting like…well…idiots. I’m not talking about people like FPS Russia, who has educational information and shows complete respect for the firearms he uses. I’m not talking about people posting up videos of them out target shooting, neither. Nope, I’m talking about the people who have videos up of them acting like they are in Call of Duty running around a target range, doing “combat rolls” and firing their weapons with no respect for the weapon nor others. You know the kind…many of you dipshits use it as examples of what gun owners are like. Guess what? Since the Internet is full of dipshits like you, the videos of some people with firearms are going to depict the same dipshits using firearms. It’s a ratio thing.

Want to take mine or other people’s firearms? Come and get them yourself, pussy. After all, you can throw a punch, right?

3. Midgets
Midgets used to be cool. There’s nothing like watching a midget do the “Lollipop Guild” dance in your backyard. Sorry, don’t have video of Matt Gogin doing that on my father’s 1/2 acre.

Now midgets are “protected”. When they aren’t being “protected”, they’re used ad nauseam in memes all over the Internet, or when someone is trying to troll. Trolling instantly ruins anything cool because everyone grasps it and decides to use it, too. Why? You guys are fucking dicks due to this. Now I can’t even admit I think midgets are cool because people talk about how “over midgets” they are!

Midgets were the first zombies. What do I mean by that? I mean midgets started popping up every where… Midgets were in forums, midgets were in video games, midgets were in movies, midgets were in books…the list goes on. They became so over used, there was a midget over saturation. There was a point when everyone was making suggestions to add midgets to everything, and people were getting fed up with it. Now it’s happening with zombies! You guys all suck. Kill yourselves.

4. Online Gaming
Now, to be fair, online gaming was ruined around the time of Quake Arena. Okay, okay, okay…that may have been the start of online gaming, but it was also the introduction into how terrible it was going to get in the future.

What’s really ruined online gaming is the introduction of online gaming to home consoles. The online community has been flooded with consoles given to spoiled little fuck ‘tards with a microphone. These are people who’s parents never beat the crap out of their child, no matter how bad they deserve it…and trust me, these kids need to be beat to shit.

The problem with many of these games is until recently there wasn’t a way to mute these dumb asses. Even when you can mute them, they still grief. When you grief them back, they scream, cry and then vote to kick you out…most of the time being successful because you’re the most effective person on a team. Remember, team work and skill are highly frowned upon when it comes to online gaming. No one likes someone who is actually good. They only like the people who talk as if they were good.

What needs to happen is someone needs to find these idiots, knock on their door, and destroy at least their headsets, if not burn their house to the ground. Don’t like that? Well, then don’t read a pseudo-comedy weblog.

5. Porn
Porn. thanks to porn on the Internet…well, let’s face it…it’s just been ruined. My sex life is more interesting than the porn on the Internet.

Well, there you have it! There are 5 things you people on the Internet have ruined. This is obviously not a full nor comprehensive list, but if you don’t get that, you’re one of the dipshits I’m talking about. Peace.


Posted 12/17/2012 at 4:18 PM on Xanga