Blue Dawn: Recounting the Smurf War

Pride. They say pride comes before the fall. The Bible says in Proverbs 16:5, “Everyone who is proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD; Assuredly, he will not be unpunished.” Pride is even defined by Merriam-Webster as “A feeling that you are more important or better than other people.” It is pride  exactly why the world suffered the tragedies during what we now call The Blue Dawn when we battled against the Smurfs. Tragedy is a soft word compared to the horrendous nature of the event, and only those who fought, survived, and are now haunted by the event can tell the true nature of what actually happened.

Recounted here is but one soldier’s experience during the war. Yes, it is heavily abridged, as the tale is long and melts the iciest of hearts. The information comes from many points of view and are woven together in this yarn as one cohesive piece told from the first person. As the dawn gives way to the twilight, so to does the darkness give way to light, even if the soothing morning light feels more distant and slower to come than the blanketing of darkness. We will live. We will heal. We must never forget.


Blue on Black: When it began

BRRZ! BRRZ! BRRZ! The alarm set on my cell phone next to my bed screamed as though it were a banshee alerting the world to its arrival, while the vibration function I always had set caused the phone to dance on the wireless charging port. Groaning, I turned and picked the wicked thing up, desperately trying to slide the screen to “off”. With so much fog in my head and blurring in my eyes, my phone fought with me all the way to the bathroom. I swear, this damned device knew me too well to simply be allowed to shut off right away.

Managing to silence this accursed device, I looked down as I began to brush my teeth. 4:01 AM Central European Time Zone (GMT+1). Formation would be at 5:00 AM and I couldn’t be late. I was never late. I’m sure everyone wants to know…and yes…I was stuck with a “bad company”, but not because I was a screw up or a criminal. Don’t get me wrong, most of the people I served with were. I just had a “bad attitude” and pissed off the wrong people enough times to end up here. They thought it would be hilarious to make me a corporal instead of a sergeant and put me in charge of a squad of people who were both accused and convicted of crimes, but their efficiency and penchant for acceptable violence would have been wasted in the stockade over in Leavenworth. The one blessing, however, is I was at Caserma Del Din, attached as back up for the 173rd Airborne Brigade Combat Team.

I had just jumped into the shower and allowed the warm water to massage my body, washing away the previous day and cleansing me for the new to day to come, when I first felt it.

Rattle. Rattle. Small shake.

At first I payed little attention to it, rationalizing it as me being still in the process of waking up.

Rattle. Stronger shake. Rattle. Rattle.

There it was again. This time, a little heavier and more obnoxious. I stepped forward in the shower, the water still hitting my back, and touched the wall. Maybe it was just the water heater or the pipes?

Boom followed by an extremely large tremor then rattling and shaking. I heard the sirens going off, so I swiped the razor down my face one last time and leapt out of the shower with the fury of a honey badger. I had never dressed so fast in my life and I left the house with such fever that I didn’t even bother to lock my door.

My god. The world was on fire! Explosions rocked the area not far from me and the smoke was filling the sky. Many of the families were screaming and making their way to the designated safe zones.

“Calahan! WAIT UP!” I called out to one of my platoon mates and jumped into the street as I saw him rushing up in a jeep.

“Abromoff! You’re alive!” Calahan screamed after his vehicle came to a screeching halt, “Get the fuck in!!!” I didn’t need any convincing, and I jumped into his HMVEE. I was barely inside when he took off down the street. Looking around, I saw several of my squad mates in the vehicle as well, looking as confused and amped up as I was.

“God damn Muslim invasion?!” Murai asked, looking around at the chaos outside.

“No fucking way, dude!” Garney stated, as if he already knew, “There’s no way they could catch us that off guard! Not here, man!”

“Then what the hell is going on? Who’s attacking us?!” I asked, knowing full well no one else knew, but I couldn’t help it. I was nervous and angry. Calahan was doing one hell of a job as he drove through the bits of upturned asphalt and pot holes. There was  suddenly flash of light and pressure. I remember hearing Calahan say, “Oh sh..” before the noise deafened me.

What is it like to be in an explosion? Pressure, heat, and chaos. It is all pressure, heat and chaos my dear friends. If ever in my life I had known I was to avoid Hell at all costs, this was it. The ringing in my ears was unbearable and I was so disoriented I couldn’t even understand that I was still alive, and relatively unhurt. I crawled several feet through the wreckage before having enough strength to push myself up onto my knees, belly down. Strange how in these moments you can remember some things so clearly and focus on something that seems so irrelevant… Below me was a piece of yellow paper. I reached down and picked it up.

“Wrapping paper?” I thought as I wrinkled it in my fist. I must have blacked out at that moment, because the next thing I remember is being draped across Captain Santos’ shoulder as he ran down the street and into a building. Guess I made some kind of noise, because he set me down gently in a chair and knelled in front of me.

“Abromoff? You with me? Hey! You with me soldier?” Santos asked, gently slapping me on the face. I could hear again. Thank God. Still, I could only nod in affirmative and weakly salute.

“Good!” he stated and stood up, and looked around the room, “Now listen up, assholes. We’re obviously being invaded. Every major military installation across the world is being hit right now.”

“God damn sand niggers!” I heard a voice in the back call out.

“Shut your god damn cock holster, private! This is no Islamic Jihad! When I say EVERY major military installation across the world is being hit, I mean EVERY nation and EVERY military is being hit! Terrorist training camps are being wiped out left and right,” Captain Santos informed everyone. There was a hush which actually helped me snap out of my daze.

“If it’s not a Jihad, what is this, sir?” I asked, finally able to speak and sitting up straighter.

“I saw it,” I heard Calahan say. He was alive? Oh thank god…so was Murai and Garney! Those three were always the luckiest sons of bitches I had ever known. Their luck must have rubbed off on me.

“What did you see, private?” Captain Santos asked with absolute interest.

“What’s attacking us. Well, I didn’t see it really clearly, but, I swear to you god…Look, I’m not trying to get a fucking section 8 here, okay?” Calahan stated, waiving his hands at everyone, “I’m not a fucking lunatic, got it?”

“Well, what the hell did you see?!” Winther, one of our sergeants asked, “That’s an order. OUT WITH IT!”

“Okay, look…it was small so I didn’t see it all that well, but it right before the explosion I swear I saw something blue running away just before from where the explosion happened,” Calahan told him.

“What?!!” a voice I didn’t recognize at the time shouted from behind me.

“That’s all I’m saying!” Calahan stated and sat back down.

“Right. At least it’s something. We’re two blocks from the armory. Everyone stick together and move like a god damn trained platoon of soldiers, got it?!” Captain Santos shouted and moved toward the back door indicating everyone to follow him.


Truth is a Stranger Thing Than Fiction

Two months. It had been two months since the start of the attack and we still couldn’t believe what was happening. The Smurfs. The god damn fucking Smurfs were attacking us all around the world. Many people didn’t even believe they existed, or even knew, kind of how some people thought Narwhals are mythical creatures, even in this modern day. What did we really know about them anyway? The information we had said there was only one village in a place called The Forbidden Forest, either in France or England. Story goes only the Smurfs and Mother Nature knew the actual location. There was a place in Juzcar, Spain nicknamed The Smurf Village because of the blue houses. We thought they were doing it as a joke and a simple reference. No one thought it was to appease the ever growing angry and violent Smurfs in the area. How were we supposed to know there was more than one Smurf village?

We had been moved to RAF Lakenheath to get briefed on a counter attack in order to take back London. This entire thing was a shit show from the beginning. We had been caught with our pants down because we thought the Smurfs were beneath us, in stature, in resourcefulness, and in technology. Smurfs are 3 inches to 7.5 inches tall? My ass. These things were proportioned like the cartoon drawings of them, but stood on average four feet tall. Strong as hell, too. What they lacked in pure military training they made up for in pure aggression. No idea how many of these things they were. They seemed endless.

All said and done, my battalion had lost over 100 men and we were nearing bare bones in supplies. This was going to be one last ditch effort to get a supply line back as well as take back a major city. We were beginning to see success in many locations by changing our tactics. War was never going to be the same, because if World War II didn’t end all wars, this was simply teaching every military regime in the world a different way to fight…and human nature always proves we’ll use it against each other rather than a realization we need to stop fighting all together.

Every time we had a briefing it was depressing. We were being told we were going to fight, but then we never would. Every briefing ended the same: Promises of action followed by waiting around. The Army motto really should just officially change to “Hurry and Wait!”

“Something has been bothering me,” Garney stated as we made our way to the briefing room.

“Just one thing?” I asked mockingly.

“Oh, fuck you,” Garney said in defense, “Remember when this all started and Calahan said he saw something small run away from where the explosion happened? Then why are we fighting Smurfs the size of middle school kid?” This was a fair question, and one no one even seemed to consider or bring up. Why were the Smurfs so tall? Did we just have the wrong information? Were there smaller Smurfs sent out for recon? If so, then how could we ever know if we were being watched? They’d be like rats sneaking in to the pantry through the tiniest hole.

“Look, what I saw was small. I don’t know why these ones are big, okay?” Calahan stated flatly.

“Who cares. Just let me kill more. I haven’t killed enough of those peyos!” Murai stated and pounded his chest. It was a sentiment I agreed with, but never actually said out loud. We had taken to offensively naming them peyo after the scientist who first recorded them back in the 1950’s and published the earliest research papers about them. Before that, they were either considered extinct or a myth. Like the coelacanth.

We reached the briefing room and took our usual seats. That’s strange…leading today’s briefing was as colonel leading the briefing today. Colonel Finch, actually. She had earned a reputation for going out into the field and fighting, actually leading charges, rather than sitting back and drinking while wondering if there really was a battle even actually going on. This woman had bigger and badder balls than most of the people I knew. Probably even myself.

“No way!” I heard Murai whisper as he saw the colonel standing at the front and beginning the presentation, “If she’s here…we might actually get to do something.”

“Alright. Everyone shut up and listen because this is important, I out rank you, and we’re going full battle rattle after this!” Colonel Finch belted out. It was like she was wearing a microphone with how powerful her voice projected, “We’re taking London back. TODAY. I will not settle for anything less than complete victory and no casualties. This is a four part strike mission. You are part three of this four part attack and we don’t have much time for me to go over this. Starting at 0200 this morning and continuing on was the first part of the campaign. Leading the attack was the 302d Fighter Squadron, The Red Devils, accompanied by the 77th Fighter Squadron, The Gamblers to take down the outside air patrols. At 0300 this morning the 6th Bombardment Squadron, Very Heavy, North Field, started a two hour bombing campaign to take out strategic locations around London. Yes, we did confirm the use of portals by the Smurfs, however, it seems these portals are tied to specific locations and if the integrity is not maintained, the portals shut down…seemingly for good. Now it’s your turn, soldiers. You’re all going in with heavy ground support to mop up any left over resistance. Report to your commanding officers for deployment order and what armor division you will be escorted by. MOVE YOUR ASSES OUT NOW!!!”

Everyone leapt from their seat and began to file out. We already had our gear ready for us, so it was a simple matter of picking it all up, getting hemmed up and in line. We were greeted by Captain Santos ordering everyone as close to him as possible instead of us getting to formation.

“Listen up, you sacks! We’re moving in first. That’s what being in a bad company means! I have been informed once this is all over, anyone surviving this bullshit is getting a full pardon and an honorable discharge…if they want to leave. Just remember that if you’re thinking about dying! Die and you’re still a criminal, got that?!” he shouted out. Everyone shouted a loud, “Yes, sir!” and he continued, “Alright, we’re moving out with the 40th Armor Division. They’ll watch our asses, so you make sure they don’t get blown to shit, got that?! NOW MOVE!!!”

We all ran to the APC closest to us and crammed in.

“God damn…we’re really putting our trust in a bunch of weekend warriors form California?!” I heard a familiar voice ask.

“When was the last time any of us had time off? Do you really think people are only here on the fucking weekends now? Shut the fuck up!” I heard Sargent Winther shout out from somewhere in the APC.

“Point taken!” the voice familiar voice said again. This time, I had peeked around Garney and saw who was talking. God damn…it was Sergeant Bennett. He was smiling like a maniac and holding his M24. We had a sniper on our team and it was one of the best I had ever known. I felt better.

The entire ride into London was silent. At least inside the APC. Outside, explosions and gun fire rank out like it was a birthday party gone crazy. Once the doors opened, the silence was shattered with screams and the thunder of foot steps as we piled out and made our way to cover. Captain Santos gave the orders on where each squad was to move into and we moved without question. We were going to clear standing buildings looking for surviving peyo…I mean Smurfs and either take them out or capture them. It was our discretion. We knew no one in my squad was doing to take anything alive. I wasn’t about to make them and I had no desire to.

For hours we cleared the way and killed any Smurf we came across. All around us the sound of gun fire became more and more sparse and the skies were cleared of any opposition. Silence was once again beginning to become normal until an explosion rocked on of our HMVEE ahead of us, killing everyone inside. Was it a mortar? No…we didn’t hear it fall…and the blast had been directed toward the car…this was an IED. God damn Smurfs were starting to play dirty again.

“Fuck, man! What the fuck!” Murai shouted, as we hunkered behind some rubble, regrouping.

“Anyone see who did it? Anything?!” I shouted at my squad. No one had seen anything except the explosion. Fluttering down like a peaceful snowflake in front of me was something yellow on one side and white on another. I reached out and grabbed it. “Wrapping paper?” I asked out loud in thought. Suddenly the memory of the beginning of the war spring board to the front of my mind.

“It’s what?” Garney asked, reaching for the paper, “It is wrapping paper…”

“This is the same thing I saw back when we were hit in Italy…must be the same mother fucker!” I seethed in anger, gripping my weapon.

“There! Off to the side! Two blocks up!” one of my squad mates shouted. I looked over the rubble pile and saw a Smurf running down the road carrying a yellow box with a red bow. He placed it down at the side of the road and began running toward us again…reaching behind him and producing another box of the same nature. He must have been using some kind of portal to bring the boxes to him, because there’s no way he was carrying these things in a pocket.

“That’s the son of a bitch putting down IEDs!” I said and grabbed the radio, “Hey, Sargent Bennett! About two blocks up! Smurf running with an IED! Yellow box and red bow! WE gotta stop him!” I didn’t receive a response on radio, instead, I heard the report of a rifle followed by a large explosion from where the Smurf was. Pieces of blue flesh rained down on us for a few seconds.

“I got that joker. Thought he was fucking funny, did he?” I heard Sargent Bennett report over the radio. After that…everything went quiet and we regrouped.


Hammer of Thor: Lightening Doesn’t Need to Strike Twice

We thought we had won. We thought we were victorious. We were so sure of ourselves that we let down our guard and didn’t see we were exactly where the enemy wanted us. The true enemy. The one who was pulling all the strings. Pride is a bitch.

Everyone had just sat down to have some nice HOT A’s and to relax when there was a commotion from the helicopter landing pads. Jumping up, I rushed past everyone to see what was going on. The heftiest Smurf I had ever seen beating soldiers with his bare hands. Others had opened fire on him, but it seemed to be doing little. That’s when I saw it, but no one else had. Some Smurf with more brains than brawn jumped into one of the Blackhawks and was taking off. There was no way I was going to get to the helicopter before it took off, but I knew being down even one chopper at this point would be extremely handicapping and something so mobile in the hands of the Smurfs would be disastrous. What could I do, though? The Blackhawk was already taking off and leaving the area. I happened to look past the fighting soldiers and saw an RPG…it must have been brought in by one of the Smurfs! Faster than I had ever run in my life, I ran to that RPG and grabbed it, checking to make sure everything was ready. I dropped to one knee, aligned the chopper and fired.

The rocket roared forth in anger, spewing fire and smoke as if it were a dragon hellbent on revenge. As though guided by the hand of God, the I watched as the rocket made contact with the side of the Blackhawk and it exploded. Wrenching sideways and bellowing hell fire, the chopper spin like an out of control top as it plummeted to earth in the same fashion Icarus surely did as he flew too close to the sun. Luckily, it crashed in an area devoid of anyone else. About the same time, the berserk smurf was finally killed…but so were six of our own.

“Stop where you are!” I heard a voice from one of the towers call out over the fence. Looking over, I saw a figure in the distance, distorted by heat haze and smoke. I numbly dropped the RPG and made my way to the gate, grabbing a dropped rifle on the way. Whoever, or whatever, this was too big to be a Smurf. Funny how I thought that, given we didn’t know the Smurfs could be as tall as we witnessed. However, whoever, or whatever, this was didn’t have a hat on like the others. It seemed to walk slightly hunched over, and it was carrying something…a book?

The warning sirens went off once again and everyone prepared for the worst. I stayed at the guard shack, weapon at the ready. I heard them ordering the figure to halt repeatedly, but it continued toward us until I could finally see it clearly. A man. Just a man. He stood just under six feet tall, had a slouched back, and wore what I could only describe as an old fashioned black monk’s robe. Around his waist, holding everything closed, was a rope and he had red shoes on, not unsimilar to what the Smurfs wore. His face was slightly twisted, almost like a demon with a piked nose, and what hair he had on his balding head was greasy.

He stood in the middle of the road, one hand behind him and the other out in front of him, holding a book. If you have believed anything in this tale, then believe me when I saw the book seemed to move…the book was alive and looked to be in disgust, almost agony, of being in his possession. He grinned wickedly. I could hear his words as his voice echoed out only fifty yards from my position.

“I am so glad you were all able to join me at the appointed time!” he laughed out, waiving the book in front of him, “It is so nice when guests arrive at the proper time and numbers!”

“State your business!” I heard Colonel Finch over the speaker? She was alive? Of course she was…she was too tough to die. I should have known that… “Do not approach any closer!”

“What do you know of my business!? What could you possibly comprehend?! NOTHING!  YOU ARE ALL NOTHING! You have done everything I have wanted and more! The only thing I have left is to close up some loose ends!” the person shouted and suddenly flipped the book to look at him, “Great Book of Spells! I, Gargamel, your master and owner demand of you this day, being the last phase of the full moon, to grant me the spell I seek!”

“What is it you seek, foolish one!” the book stated back.

“I demand a spell to make me the biggest, and greatest wizard of them all! I wish to stand above all others and squish my enemies!” Gargamel shouted with a laugh to the book.

“Another selfish and pointless request! Stomp three times, turn twice, and then your enemies shall seem small as mice!” the book instructed back. Gargamel did just that…and in a flash of white energy surrounding him he began to grow. He did not stop growing until he towered above all the buildings like a video game end boss. His voice boomed out in a deafening tone as he laughed and began to smash everything around him. “Everyone, including the Smurfs, thought they were better than me! Outcast me! TURNED ME AWAY LIKE A FREAK! Now I will make you all pay!” he shouted out in a voice so loud it hurt my ears.

“NOW!” I heard Colonel Finh’s voice once again over the speaker. I can hardly explain what happened next. I saw lightening fly across the darkened, but cloudless sky, straight for Gargamel. At first, he was laughing, but his face twisted to an even more disgusted look and he began screaming in pain. He attempted to block the lightening hitting him constantly in the chest, but his fingers were burned through and fell from his body. That lightening began to eat through his body until he had an large hole in his chest. No blood. The wound had been cauterized by the heat. He toppled backwards and began to shrink back to normal size as he did so, until he landed like a sack of potatoes on the ground. The entire base began to cheer.


Conflict’s End

It was weeks before I learned it was none other than Captain Santos who fired that shot. The weapon was the fourth stage in the strike and had been nicknamed Thor’s Hammer. Someone had learned there was a force driving the Smurfs to start the war, but wasn’t exactly sure who it was, however, they knew they were hiding in London. We were there to drive them out of hiding, and hopefully, put a stop to all of it. The fighting had immediately stopped after Gargamel was killed, and the Smurfs went back into hiding, but not before someone designated Papa Smurf presented conditions of peace and agreed to never cause problems again. The USA, at least, agreed to leave the Smurfs alone and ordered both a no visit and no fly zone where the Smurfs were actually located. No civilian was ever told the specific spot they lived.

Those of us who have fought and lived through this are the ones most affected. Closing my eyes at night brings sweats and I can’t have any thing blue around me. The Blue Man Group was officially exonerated of all charges of being spies for the Smurfs when the truth had come out, but they had to be disbanded because no one trusted them anymore.

This was the worst war since the one fought by a soldier, who’s letters my father found in the wall of his own home. Makes me think my cousin was right about this Chuck E. Cheese place…wonder how he’s doing…


I had promised to post this so many times…it came to me when I was drugged up to have a double wisdom tooth extraction. I also saw a giant purple turkey, but that isn’t as exciting as this. I’ve turned this into a short story, and when I tell it verbally, it’s a bit different of course.

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Renegade Ranger to the Rescue! (An even more best damn Power Ranger fanfiction ever written!)

Power Rangers: Super Multiverse

Due to popular demand, I am writing another Power Ranger fanfiction set in the multiverse I originally setup. Because the last one I wrote was the absolute best Power Ranger…hell, the best fanfiction of anything…ever written, I swore I wouldn’t write another. However, after all the praise and uncountable death threats I’ve received for not continuing, I feel obligated to do so.


Angel Bay Crest Grove was under constant attack by Evildron and the Rangers weren’t getting much sleep. Every time the Rangers knocked down one monster, another one almost immediately took its place. Sure Evildron had been phoning the monsters in lately, as they were extremely easy to destroy, but the sheer volume of them was now taking its toll. If the Rangers didn’t get help or rest soon, they would die from exhaustion long before the town would remain safe.

“Oh, man! I just want some sueño! A nice little siesta for fifteen minutes!” Carlos screamed as the latest monster exploded. For once, the giant explosion didn’t kill anyone, since most of this area of the city was completely abandoned thanks to both people fleeing and so many people dying during other monster attacks.

“I know what you mean,” Jen agreed, “A nice fall in bed is all I can think about…Hell, I’m not even thinking of using it for sex, just sleep!”

“Damn, you are tired!” Tommy exclaimed, yawning under his helmet.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m done. I’m out. I’m not doing this again. Let the monster attack the fucking city for a few hours. I’m going to bed!” Dustin stated and jumped out of the Megazord. The moment his feet hit the ground, he de-morphed and began running home.

“What a dipshit,” Sky stated as they all left the Megazord as well and de-morphed, “He could have just teleported home. Guess he really is tired as hell.”

“Rangers!” Zordon’s voice cracked over the speaker on their communicators. With a deep sigh, Tommy answered the call.

“No, Zordon, we don’t give a shit if there is another monster attacking the city. Most of this place is trashed and abandoned. We’re getting some sleep!” Tommy shouted. Sky gave Tommy a high-five for being so god damn cool and saying exactly what everyone else was thinking.

“Of course, Tommy,” Zordon said. He knew better than to mouth off to Tommy. Zordon continued, “You get some sleep. I just wanted to let you know I am working on getting you some help.”

“About time, Zordon!” Jen clapped happily, “If you manage to do that, I’ll let you plug into Alpha 5 and slut you up a bit!”

“That would be wonderful!” Alpha’s voice shouted in the background, “We’ll be sure to get you that help!” The communicator went silent and everyone sighed with relief. They agreed to meet back up after a few hours of rest and wouldn’t answer their communicators no matter what.

Meanwhile, with the bad guys…
Deep inside Evildron’s layer he was busy creating his newest, and most powerful, monster ever. Neither the R.A.P.E.B.O.T. nor the M.O.T.H.E.R.F.U.C.K.E.R. had anything on this monster. Given how tired the Rangers were now, they could never hope to destroy this one given how advanced it was. If the R.A.P.E.B.O.T. was a monster design the Rangers had never faced before and the M.O.T.H.E.R.F.U.C.K.E.R. was a speed they had never faced before, this was not only a combination of the two, but it also had power. Evildron learned from his failures, which is a dangerous attribute for a villain.

“Evildron?!” Sloan called out to his master.

“Damn it! What is it, Sloan?!” Evildron screamed over his shoulder, having been startled after sitting in near silence for so long. Rushing into the building room of the lair, still lit by unnecessary candles scattered around for aroma therapy, Sloan rushed up to Evildron, almost out of breath. Sloan had taken Evildron’s habit of not taking many showers, so the candles helped with his smell. Evildron didn’t need many baths, since he didn’t actually sweat, but Sloan was beginning to become rather ripe. Instead of washing, Sloan believed Febreeze and deodorant was actually enough.

“Oh, for the love of god, man, take a shower!” Evildron commented, plugging his nose.

“But…I just did…” Sloan whined, opening his shirt and sniffing at his chest.

“Then take ten more! What do you want?!” Evildron asked, pushing Sloan back.

“Um…you sent me a text message on our two way pager and said you wanted to see me…” Sloan explained, looking down at the ground.

“Of course I did!” Evildron yelled, startling Sloan, “I want you to see as the newest, fastest, and most powerful monster I’ve ever made is finished!” Sloan’s eyes lit up with excitement and he pumped his fist a few time.

“I am so pumped up! Please let me see it!” Sloan begged, rushing over to the darkened bay where they kept the creations as they were being finished. Evildron reached over to his keyboard, entered the last few commands and slowly walked over to Sloan.

“As you know, we’ve been exhausting the Rangers to the point of…well…exhaustion. I have taken cues from our past two ultimate creations and made…uh…well…the ultimate creation!” Evildron said excitedly, slapping Sloan on the back, “Do the honors and hit the lights!” Sloan let out of a school girl like squeal of excitement as he reached over and flipped the large handle into the “on” position.

As the power ran through the lines, several lights turned on with a booming noise, revealing the ultimate creation Evildron had just finished. Taller than any other monster Evildron had created, it also had a form unlike any other monster used before. Sloan’s mouth gaped open as he stared up at it.

“Pretty impressive, eh?” Evildron asked, rubbing his hands together with satisfaction.

“It’s…a…it’s…oh my god…it looks like a blow up doll!” Sloan stated, his voice cracking a few times as he said the words, his throat drying up. Sure enough, the monster stood in humanoid shape with wide eyes and a very open, almost surprised, “O” mouth complete with bright red lips. The outward appearance was female, and it even had the shape of breasts, but no nipples. There was no obvious hole where the vagina or sphincter would be, however.

“Duh!” Evildron spat, “This is the best form for fighting another humanoid with the weapon I’ve equipped it with!” Evildron continued to smile up at his creation while Sloan remained speechless for a few moments.

“What do you call this one, then?” Sloan cautiously asked.

“Keep up now, Sloan. This is the Battalion Leveling, Optimized Weapon, Juggernaut: Oversied Bot! The B, L, O, W…J….O…..B,” Evildron stated, saying the last three letters slower than the previous. Evildron’s hands were slowly rubbing up his waist to his chest.

“Bl…blow job?!” Sloan hoarsely exclaimed, feeling so weak in his knees he actually had to squat down.

“Blow job,” Evildron said in a very slow, satisfied tone as he twisted his nipples. Sloan fell back on his own ass at this point, not exactly sure what to do. He couldn’t speak and his mind was going a mile a minute. Still rubbing his nipples, Evildron looked down at Sloan and raised his eyebrows rapidly a few times while smiling that epic eagle smile.

“This bad bitch has such a powerful weapon, one hit to that Megazord will destroy it!” Evildron said and pointed up at his creation, “Right there in the mouth is where I have it. Unlike the R.A.P.E.B.O.T. there are no ball to give a vasectomy to. Also, the M.O.T.H.E.R.F.U.C.K.E.R. had a problem in its logistics programming. I’ve corrected both issues with this design!” Sloan remained silent, his eyes huge and his mouth trying to form words, but not finding them. With a sigh, Evildron, pulled Sloan to his feet.

“Give the monster some attention, will you? I’m sure it’s feeling neglected,” Evildron instructed Sloan, “Pay special attention to the whole breast. I left the nipples out on purpose!”

Inside the Ranger’s Command Center
“Aye, yi, yi, yiiiiii!” Alpha whined out to Zordon.

“Relax, Alpha 5! I’m sure he got our message,” Zordon told Alpha, who was doing his stupid little robot panic dance.

“I sure hope so, Zordon. The Rangers are too exhausted to keep fighting today!” Alpha cried like a little bitch just as a notification beep began to sound out.

“You got our message!” Zordon said excitedly as Alpha answered the call.

“Yeah, I’m here Zordon. I would have messaged sooner, but I was in the middle of a fine ass bitch,” a voice rang out over the speakers, “So I take it your Rangers are too big of pussies to be able to handle this without my help?”

“Sadly, yes,” Zordon reluctantly admitted, “Without your help, I’m afraid Evildron will kill my Rangers, destroy what’s left of the city, and then soon take over the rest of the world!”

“That’s your worry!” the voice replied laughing, “Even if your Rangers were destroyed, I’d still be able to take Evildron out myself. The only reason I don’t do it right now is because it cuts into my bitches time.”

“Fair enough,” Zordon agreed, “Even still, would you please help us? If my Rangers are destroyed you’ll be taking care of it yourself and that will really cut into your bitches time.” There was a few moments of silence as Zordon’s words sank in. Zordon was speaking the truth, too. The Rangers were the only ones keeping Evildron at bay for now. As crazy and evil as Evildron was, he had O.C.D. and couldn’t multitask very well so he kept focusing almost his entire effort on Angel Bay Crest Grove.

“You would put it like that, wouldn’t you? Damn disembodied head…” the voice said, “Okay, expect me there in about five minutes.”

“Aye, yi, yi, yiiiiii! This is great news, Zordon!” Alpha said happily as he did his happy robot dance.

“Yes, Alpha 5, this will help us considerably to have a green ranger. Now, please focus in on the Rangers with the viewing globe so I can potentially perv on them,” Zordon instructed. Alpha did as he was told, tuning the viewing globe into the Rangers, who were all hanging out at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice Bar.

“At least there have been no monster attacks on the city. A nice seventeen hour sleep is what I needed,” Sky stated, double fisting whiskey sour.

“Yeah, you know I actually ran six miles home forgetting I could teleport?” Dustin asked, daintily sipping on a clear diet cola, “That’s how tired I actually was!” Reaching over, Tommy punched Dustin right in his face, forcing him to spill his drink.

“That’s what you get for being such a little bitch, bitch!” Tommy shouted as Dustin pulled himself back in his chair. Dustin gave Tommy a high-five for putting him in his place because he knew Tommy was right…and so damn cool.

“All I know is I’ve never spent so long in bed without someone else in there with me,” Jen said, finishing off her sixth glass of wine, “I mean, I went three hours before getting myself filled!” Sky didn’t know how to respond. Instead, he just stared at her wide eyed and his mouth open slightly before slowly putting another drink to his lips.

“I was all wrapped up in the sheets like a bean burrito. It was bueño,” Carlos stated with pride, tipping back a full bottle of tequila, “After I got down with Jen, anyway.” Sky was so surprise with the sudden confession from Carlos he actually shot whiskey sour out of his nose, causing him to groan in pain.

“Something wrong, Sky?” Tommy asked, confused since he was sure they had all tapped Jen at one point or another.

“No…not at all!” Sky stammered and then ran to the bar to get another drink. Suddenly a presence so heavy and noticeable washed over them, causing them to look toward the door. The happily yelling of women and a bad ass rock song began to fill the room as the presence got closer.

“Holy…fucking…shit… No…way…” Tommy said quietly. The voices and music got louder until finally the cause of it all entered into the room.

“Oh my god!” Dustin screamed. Jen sat transfixed at the sight before her. She was completely mesmorized and couldn’t take her eyes off the new guy. He was wearing wrap around black sun glasses, tight black jeans, a dark green shirt with a black leather jacket on top of it with a single dark green stripe running down the left side with a dark green “#1” on the right side, and his dark brown hair was slicked back in the coolest way possible. As he stood there, women were desperately trying to cling tighter to him, but his face just said, “These bitches want me, no shit, and I still don’t give a fuck.”

“Who’s he?!” Jen asked, rubbing herself under the table.

“The only person cooler than Tommy…Ziggy Grover!” Sky said getting back to the group and collapsed into his chair, “This is who Zordon got to help us?! He’s practically a Ranger GOD!” Tommy turned back to the table and slammed his fists down on the table as hard as he could, cracking it the entire length.

“Damn it!” Tommy muttered under his breath. Ziggy looked around, threw his arms out to the side and every woman and the music went quiet. Seeing the other Rangers, he pointed to the ground indicated for the women following him to remain where they were and began to groove over to the Rangers’ table.

“So you’re Zordon’s Rangers, huh? No wonder he needs my help,” Ziggy stated, snapping the sunglasses off his face, closing them and storing them inside his leather jacket. Jen jumped up from her chair and fell to his legs. She began rubbing his legs up and down while looking up at him like a begging puppy.

“Hi! I’m Jen!!!” she exclaimed, nuzzling his legs with her cheek.

“Of course you are,” Ziggy said, not trying to remove her. Jen just giggled and began kissing from his calf to his outer thigh repeatedly.

“Yeah, and you must be Doctor K’s Ranger,” Tommy replied snarkily without even turning around.

“Actually, I renamed her Doctor C, as in Doctor Can’t Take Anymore of this Dick Because I Wore The Bitch Out,” Ziggy explained, “So, you must be Tommy. The legend himself…disappointing.” Tommy flipped the table out of anger over how much cooler Ziggy was than himself. Folding his arms, Tommy began to sulk and shut his mouth.

“It’s an honor, amigo!” Carlos said, giving Ziggy a high-five while looking at Tommy in shame wondering how he ever found Tommy cool to begin with.

“It’s going to be nice having some help!’ Dustin said. Ziggy glared over at Dustin before kicking him in the chest, knocking him over two tables.

“Let’s get something straight, maggots: I am not here to help. I am the solution to your problem and then I’m gone. Don’t get in my fucking way and I won’t have to unblock you like a hair clog in a sink. Got it?” Ziggy asked. Jen giggled again and began to massage on Ziggy’s ass with joy. Sky said nothing and simply nodded.

“Understood…” Tommy whispered. Suddenly their communicators sprang to life as Zordon’s voice erupted through in a panic.

“Rangers! We have a serious problem! Evildron’s greatest creation to date is attacking! We need you!” Zordon exclaimed in more of a fit than they had ever heard.

“Don’t worry about it, Zordon,” Ziggy replied, “I’m here and I’ll stop this problem in about ten seconds.” Jen reached up and began to work Ziggy’s penis in his pants, but Ziggy stopped her. “You get to touch it when I allow you to,” Ziggy informed Jen as he forcefully pulled her off him. Reaching toward the sky and snapping his fingers, a bad ass beat began to play as Ziggy stepped back, causing the women to start screaming excitedly once again.

“Let’s do this shit!” Ziggy shouted and performed his morphing choreography, “Get in mother fucking gear!” In a green flash, complete with a massive explosion behind him, which unfortunately killed fifteen, maybe twenty, of the women who had been following him, Ziggy was now morphed into the most powerful Ranger of this universe. Giving the rest of the Rangers the middle finger, Ziggy teleported away to the fight.

“Fuck…he is cool,” Tommy said with a sigh as he faced palmed in shame.

At the area of attack…
“Wow, it is getting really hard to find somewhere to destroy and while killing people around here anymore…” Evildron said to himself, riding on the shoulder of the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. through the old downtown, “Maybe I should have held back a little…”

“Evildron! Evildron!” Sloan’s voice crackled over the dollar store two-way radio they stole in order to contact each other, “A Ranger is headed your way! Maybe you should get off the…the…”

“It’s the B.L.O.W.J.O.B, Sloan. Say it right or don’t say it at all!” Evildron firmly told Sloan, “Who cares if it’s just one Ranger, anyway?” Evildron cracked his knuckles and looked around at the mostly destroyed city. A small bit of sadness came over him, not for the loss of life or destruction in of itself, but the fact he wouldn’t have much to take over if he kept destroying everything. He made a note to himself to stop powering his creations with a highly explosive compound which also turned into a potentially fatal miasma.

“But…but…but…” Sloan stammered. It was too late, however, as Evildron saw exactly who was heading his way. Shrieking like a frightened eagle, Evildron jumped off and teleported to safety. Ziggy was inside the most epic, amazing, and just plain cool looking single Megazord anyone has ever seen, known as the Ultimate Battlezord, and he was hauling ass faster than any of the other Rangers could ever hope for.

“What the fuck?!” Ziggy shouted to himself as he got closer to Evildron’s creation, “Is that what I think it is?!” Leaning back, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. began to charge the weapon, but Ziggy saw it coming and dodged to the side just as the laser blasted past him. The exact moment the laser was coming to a finish, Ziggy jumped into the air and slammed a kick directly into the breast area of the creature, forcing it to stagger backwards, rubbing its chest.

“Titty fucker!” Evildron screamed, grabbing Sloan by the back of the neck and pointing to the fight, “Did you see that?! That is just rude!” Sloan just whined and groaned as he was forced to watch in the tight grip of Evildron’s hand.

“We’re here to help!” Ziggy heard Dustin’s voice ring out over his speakers.

“Don’t worry, we’ll keep it busy while you destroy it!” Tommy said as their Megazord rushed up to the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. and kneed it right in the face with a sick ass jumping knee strike. You know, like the one you can do in Double Dragon: Advanced on the Gameboy Advanced. That game was fucking awesome! Yeah, that type of flying knee attack. This caused the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. to fall to the ground backwards.

“Yeah, bitch! Who’s fucking who, now?!” Sky screamed. The Megazord then began to teabag the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. rapidly while Carlos sang, “Dip, dip, potato chip!”

“Get off of it!” Ziggy screamed as he saw the creature begin to charge up its weapon. The Megazord sat directly on the creature’s face looking toward Ziggy’s Ultimate Battlezord.

“Why? We’ve got our finger on the pussy trigger in this fight!” Jen giggled over the headset.

“What’s that sound?” Carlos asked, looking down at the floor. Before anyone could answer, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. let loose its weapon and forced the Megazord up into the air, legs spread, as if it were riding a long, red, never ending dildo into the air.

“You dumb, bitch! The only trigger you understand is the one on your vibrator!” Ziggy shouted to the other Rangers as he heard them screaming as they flew higher and higher into the air. When the laser came to an end, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. spread its legs wide, propped itself, and stood up in a battle stance. In a streak (do you see what I did there?), the creature was upon the Ultimate Battlezord and kicked it across town and over a mountain.

“Look, Sloan, look!” Evildron shouted happily, jerking Sloan around by the neck haphazardly, “Not even the Ranger god, Ziggy, is standing a chance! This is the ultimate creation!” Sloan was desperately trying to get Evildron to let go of him, but was having no luck doing so.

“Mother…fucker…” Ziggy said to himself as he stood his zord back up, “No more dicking around. I have bitches to get back to. Ultimate God Slayer!” With both hands out to the side, a powerful energy began to swirl around the hands of Ziggy’s Ultimate Battlezord. Thinking it saw a chance, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. rushed toward its enemy at break neck speed while charging up another shot.

“Imma firin’ mah lazor!” the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. screamed and let loose the blast. A blinding flash which could rival that of being at the center of a star exploding spread for hundreds of miles around. Thinking Ziggy was destroyed, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. let down its guard and stood straight up with pride. As the blinding light faded and the dust dissipated, the Ultimate Battlezord was still standing, both hands out in front of itself, now holding two of the most awesome looking swords ever, glowing in a powerful green energy.

“Suck on this one,” Ziggy said calmly. Before it could even react, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. was cut one thousand times in less than a second, causing it to explode while screaming in pain. Lucky for the Megazord, which was now falling to the ground at an unstoppable speed, the force of the explosion was so great, it created enough cushion of compacted air to slow it down and not be destroyed. The Ultimate Battlezord just stood in an even more badass “I don’t give a fuck!” stance than the Megazord ever could as this all happened.

“NO!” Evildron screamed, throwing Sloan to the ground, “NO! What the fuck?! I need a vacation!” Sloan looked up at Evildron and grabbed hold of his leg fast enough to be teleported away with him. Slowly the Megazord stood and the Ultimate Battlezord powered down.

“That…was…awesome!” Dustin screamed and clapped his hands together.

“Yeah…he’s fucking cool…cooler than me…” Tommy admitted out loud.

&nbp;
Evildron was pacing around and throwing whatever he could get his hands on against the wall in his lair.

“Damn it! Another creature destroyed!” Evildron screamed, kicking a door off the hinges, “You know what? I’m going on vacation!”

“Does that mean..?” Sloan asked.

“If you think it means you get time off, then you’re wrong!” Evildron said, calming down a bit and falling into his recliner, “You’re going to stay here and build me another creature. Let’s see what you can do.”

“Oh…okay…I guess I can do that…” Sloan said, sitting across from Evildron and turning on the TV.

“I’m thinking something along the lines of a Fully Upgraded, Controlled Kinetic, Digitally Operated Lethal Lackey,” Evildron said, folding his arms over his chest and focusing on the TV, now reporting his latest failure.

“F…u… Fuck doll?” Sloan asked, looking out of the corner of his eye toward Evildron.

“Fuck doll!” Evildron said happily while clapping and pointing with both hands at Sloan.


There you go! That’s even more of a best damn Power Ranger fanfiction than Evildron’s Master Plan is!

With how great this is, please stop threatening to kill me if I don’t write anymore. This has got to tie you over for at least another ten years it’s so good!

Evildron’s Master Plan (Best Dang Power Ranger Fan Fiction Ever Written!)

Evildron’s Master Plan

The multiverse has collapsed thanks to one of the Rangerverse villains succeeding in a secret plan and this caused a mixing of multiple realities into one. Now Tommy, Sky, Jen, Dustin and Carlos must battle a new threat while trying to return all of reality back to the way it was. Unfortunately, their personalities are a serious mash up of almost every possible type, and they don’t act the way they should. Oh, and thanks to temporal-dimensional shielding Zordon and Alpha 5 were not only okay, also brought back to life to work as the Rangers’ leader.

This is just one story in a vast and populated mythos, so don’t worry about trying to know who everyone is. The story itself will give you all the information you need to know!


It’s a beautiful day in Angel Bay Crest Grove. To start off with, at least. For several weeks the Power Rangers had been suffering crippling defeat after crippling defeat, but they have finally turned the tied of battle once again. Reconstruction of the city was under way, and there had been no attacks for about three days. Under the suggestion of Jen, the Power Rangers were having a nice day at the beach. You know, sipping drinks, hanging out and shit. Life was good for right now.

Even the most perfect Brandy Bunch sunny day can have a cloud somewhere in the sky, however, and this cloud’s name was Evildron. At his dark and mysterious layer, Evildron was busy preparing to make life hell for the Power Rangers and the inhabitants of Angel Bay Crest Grove. He was always doing that, but this time, he meant business. For real business. The kind of business Hollywood loves to try and make up but they can’t, because this business is too fucking real.

As everyone knows, Evildron looked like a basketball player sized humanesque eagle, but instead of feathers, he was hairy like a wookie, except every so often there really were dark brown and black feathers in his fur. His eyes were always yellow, except when they turned red. He only had two outfits, but they were the exact same as each other: a red hoodie which said “Born To Be Bad Ass’ on the front (he never wore the hood up except when he was sneaking around rich neighborhoods at night) and jeans which were ripped up around the ankles giving an awesome “I don’t give a fuck about fashion!” look to them. Oh, and let’s not forget the neon green with yellow trim sneaks he wore. They even have Velcro instead of laces. He was pure evil.

Evildron was viciously typing away at his keyboard to finish up his latest creation. This had taken so much time to do, because it was his absolute best yet. He was proud of it, and he should be. This was something the Power Rangers had never faced before, and they would surely be frightened by it’s majesty.

“Evildron?” his human college aged assistant, Sloan, called out to him. Sloan was trying to fulfill his doctrine requirements through interning with Evildron. Even though Evildron was an evil asshole, the college recognized how much experience with quantum, mechanical, and biological theory working with him would provide, so they authorized the internship. Sloan wasn’t evil himself, he was just not really liked. He had self diagnosed himself with aspergers syndrome just so he didn’t have to apologize for being a dick. Sloan looked like you’d expect: nerdy glasses, a white lab coat, and stood all of 125 skinny pounds at 5’10”.

“Evildron?” Sloan called out again as he entered into the giant, cavernous area Evildron was busy working at. All around them were test tubes bubbling with who-remembers-what-or-why-in-the-first-place. Small candles flickered and danced, but they were only there for aroma therapy, since the work area was blasted with spot lights anyway.

“What do you want?!” half cawed, half yelled Evildron. He didn’t like to be interrupted, and Sloan was doing just that. Evildron’s voice was a mixture of James Cagney and Piggy from the Power Rangers: SPD story arc.

“Ah! There you are, Evildron. What have you been so busy with?” Sloan asked, looking over Evildron’s shoulders and fixing his glasses. The coding was zipping past his eyes on the screen, until a big green flashing text appeared which read, “FINISHED!!!!!” Evildron laughed maniacally and threw his hands in the air.

“It’s finished! At long last!” Evildron exclaimed, jumping to his feet and rushing over to a metallic archway that looked like it was put together by erector set pieces, “My greatest creation is something the Rangers have never dealt with before!” Sloan squinted, but couldn’t see in the darkness.

“Uh…what is it?” Sloan asked, crossing his arms as he tried to catch a glimpse of whatever was hiding in the veil of dark.

“Oh, you shall see, Sloan! You shall see!” Evildron chuckled as he threw on the lights, “Behold! My greatest creation!” The lights thundered on, one by one, until the magnificent new creation was visible to anyone inside the evil hideout.

“It…it’s a giant dick…” Sloan stated in a very horse almost whisper.

“Of course it is!” Evildron spat out in shock Sloan was even remotely surprised. If you’ve never seen an eagle smile, you’re missing out, because that’s exactly the look on Evildron’s face turned to. The mix of evil and awesome would be too much for any normal mortal to gaze upon.

“Um, I take it this thing is finished?” Sloan asked, blushing bright red. The entire thing was hairless, peach colored, and vein-y as hell.

“Not yet,” Evildron said with a sigh, “As soon as I finish up the balls, we’ll be ready to roll on the Rangers, though.” Stepping closer to Sloan, Evildron put an arm over Sloan’s closest shoulder and leaned in, almost whispering, “Tell me it won’t be fun to see the Rangers knock my junk around.” Sloan’s eyes were the size of dinner plates as he slowly turned to look at Evildron, who was raising what one could call his eyebrows up and down rapidly.

“Oookay…” Sloan said, swallowing hard, feeling very uncomfortable now and stepping back from Evildron, “What do you call a giant dick bot anyway?”

“Well, not a dick bot, obviously!” Evildron howled waiving his hands with anger in the air at such a stupid suggestion, “That would just be stupid! It’s the Remote Access Pilot Enhanced Battle Optomized Tron! The R, A, P, E, B, O, T!” Sloan scratched his chin mumbling for a few moments before he spoke.

“R, A, P, E, B, O, T? Rape Bot?!” Sloan questioned, feeling dizzy.

“IT’S A RAPE BOT!!!!” Evildron screamed while stomping his feet the moment Sloan had finished talking. Sloan was so shocked he actually jumped back because he though Evildron was going to pounce on him. “Now make yourself useful! While I finish construction on the balls, I need you to clean up the rest of it,” Evildron instructed Sloan while picking up a rag and a bucket of water, “It’s been unattended for three days. Polish up the shaft.”

Back in the Command Center
“That, Alpha 5, is where your baby robots come from,” Zordon informed Alpha 5 and ended his lecture, “Now, please, Alpha 5, scan the city for disturbances. Evildron has been much too quiet lately.”

“Aye, yi, yi, yiiiiii!” Alpha 5 cried out and waddled to the control panel, “That was not as exciting as I expected the story to be, Zordon! I guess robots are just built!”

“Exactly, Alpha 5. Is the city safe?” Zordon asked. Alpha 5 spun around and did a little happy robot jig.

“Yes, Zordon! Everything is just fine right now! I’m going to check in on the Rangers,” Alpha 5 said and activated the viewing globe, which tuned in directly to Jen’s breasts, “Aye, yi, yi, yi, yiiiii!” Zordon laughed and adjusted the viewing globe to show the entire scene at the beach.

Carlos was being a bad ass and surfing like a pro. Nothing in his previous incarnations would have really proven he was a surfer, but when the multiverse collapsed, he seemed to have the ability to shred waves like an epic pro. Dustin was making mad sand sculptures with the help of Tommy. Jen was busy playing volleyball and kicking everyone’s ass as a one person team. Sky, on the other hand, was practicing his yoga on the rocks above the beach, getting in touch with his spiritual side.

“Just one more part to this sculpture, Tommy, and we’ll be finished with a 1:1 reproduction of the Taj Mahal!” Dustin stated excitedly as he filled another bucket with sand.

“Yeah, this is going to be the greatest sand sculpture anyone has even made on this beach. No one beats a Ranger at doing ANYTHING!” Tommy boasted and did a wicked ass spinning jump kick in pride. Seeing Tommy do the spin kick made Dustin drop the bucket and give Tommy a high five for being so damn cool. None of the Rangers worried about having their identities in this collapsed multiverse discovered, so they never tried to hide the fact they were Power Rangers.

“Not bad, Tommy, but you’re no SPD recruit!” Sky taunted to Tommy from his rock. Tommy raised his middle finger up to Sky and just laughed.

“If you’re so awesome, then why were you always just a recruit even as a Ranger?!” Tommy teased back.

“Eat a sack of balls!” Sky shouted down to Tommy in jest as he picked up his yoga equipment and began making his way to everyone. Jen came bounding up next to Tommy just as Carlos was getting out of the water.

“I heard something about a sack of balls and I thought, ‘Yeah, I can get in on that!'” Jen laughed, looking around. Since she didn’t have to worry about Alex anymore, she became a huge slut. Not just any slut, the slut to end all sluts. She wasn’t a total slut about it, though. A thought always in the back of her mind was if Sky was her great, great, great grandpa or not. With the collapse of the multiverse, she couldn’t be sure, so she did her best not to slut him up.

“Hey, guys! Got room for one more bean in this Ranger burrito?!” Carlos jokingly asked, playing on the fact he was Hispanic. That had pretty much become his thing. Jen laughed once when he did it and he never stopped from that day on. They did all think it was pretty funny, though. “Wow! Nice Taj Mahal!” Carlos excitedly stated, looking over it all.

“I’ll say! Seriously, though, did someone mention a sack of balls? I could go for a snack!” Jen exclaimed, licking her lips.

“Here, gra…uh, ma’am,” Sky said, getting a hotdog out of the picnic basket and giving it to her, “This should keep you tied over.” Jen greedily took the hotdog and began to lick it and deep throat it, but gently nibbling it, too. Tommy, Dustin, and Carlos followed the movements of the hotdog with their heads, as well as their eyes. Sky, on the other hand, didn’t know what to think and just slowly backed away. He did, however, bump fists with Carlos, who never took his eyes off Jen manipulating the hotdog. Right when Jen began sliding the hotdog between her boobs, their morphers rang out with a familiar tune.

“Damn it! Right when my taquito was getting crunchy!” Carlos said, kicking sand around. Jen winked at him while sliding the hotdog back into her mouth and took a big bit.

“We read you, Zordon! What’s going on?” Sky asked into the communicator, thankful for the distraction.

“Rangers! We have trouble!” Zordon’s voice echoed out excitedly, “There’s some…well…some dick is trashing downtown!” The Rangers just looked at each other and shrugged. If Zordon thought they were going to take care of something the police should do, he had another thing coming.

“So what? We don’t deal with criminals. Call the cops,” Tommy forcefully said over his communicator. Jen gave him a high five for being so cool.

“Aye, yi, yi, yi, yiiii!” Alpha 5’s voice buzzed over the speakers, “No, Rangers! There literally is a huge dick destroying down town! Like…A PENIS!”

“PENIS?!” Jen excited asked, “We’re on it! Rather, I’ll try to get on it! It’s morphin’ time!” Jen immediately became the pink ranger before anyone else could even react. Jumping up and down excitedly, she begged at the other rangers, “Come on! We can’t let a massive phallus tear up our town and get all dirty, can we?!” With a shrug, the rest of the rangers activated their powers and teleported directly to their Zords.

Before the Rangers got to the R.A.P.E. B.O.T, Evildron was already high atop a building, watching his creation destroy the town. He couldn’t help but feel the pride every father felt at first sight of their child, except for, you know, those fathers who found out the child their wife delivered didn’t have a remote possibility of being theirs. Sloan was there as well, but he didn’t really want to be. Watching a giant dick flop around down town wasn’t his idea of a good time. Still, he did admire the craftsmanship of the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. Like a chair dildo, it was stiff up until approximately 1/4 of the shaft, at which point it could pivot and swing about wildly, which it used to maximize destruction. The shaft was somehow using the balls to move around almost like a snail, but much faster.

“It certainly is…” Sloan started to say, but trailed off before finishing. Evildron gave that epic eagle smile once again, arms folded and bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.

“Awesome? Epic? The greatest damn creature you’ve ever seen?” Evildron asked, not really wanting an answer, “Just wait until you see it in combat against those stupid Rangers!” Sloan didn’t know how to reply. He just sat in half awe, half agony as his throat remained dry. A roar in the distance snapped him out of his self induced trance and he looked to the left. That’s when he saw the multiverse version of the Megazord appear! Honestly, the Megazord is so awesome looking, it just cannot be described! So, imagine that!

“Here they are at last! Now my R.A.P.E. B.O.T. will destroy the Rangers, Sloan! Just wait and see,” Evildron told Sloan, punching him in the shoulder. Like a little bitch, Sloan groaned and rubbed his arm, which caused Evildron to punch him two more times while laughing.

Inside the most amazing Megazord of all time, the Rangers were finally able to see what they were about to face. Gasps came from Carlos, Tommy, and Dustin, but a single giddy shriek was heard from Jen, who also started clapping excitedly.

“Whoa! Zordon wasn’t kidding! That is the second biggest dick I’ve ever seen!” Dustin exclaimed, gripping his controls tighter. Everyone went instantly quiet and slowly looked at Dustin, who wasn’t even remotely kidding. No one asked, as this wasn’t the time, however, as to what the absolute biggest dick he had ever seen was.

“We’re going to have our hands full on this one, guys!” Tommy stated.

“That’s what I said!” Jen giggled, licking her lips in her helmet.

“Let’s wrap this up!” Sky shouted, just wanting the conversation and battle to end before it even started.

“Said the condom!” Carlos laughed out while slapping his knee, “We can take care of this no problem!”

“RIGHT!” the other four Rangers shouted out at the same time and pushed the Megazord into a faster speed. Upon reaching the R.A.P.E. B.O.T, they Megazord slammed into it with a force which caused a huge pressure wave to explode around them. The Megazord wrapped its arms around the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. and tried to toss it to the ground, but they only succeeded in making it flop about more. The giant dick repeatedly pounded them in the face, causing them to stagger. Like a cobra, the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. reared back and pointed its purple head directly at them.

“It’s no use! It’s too soft and floppy! It just keeps hitting us in the face!” Dustin cried.

“Now you assholes know how I feel!” Jen shouted to everyone, “Hey?! What’s it doing?!” Everyone turned their attention to the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. as it assumed the new menacing position.

“Yes! Excellent!” Evildron excitedly clapped while jumping up and down, “Do you see that, Sloan? It’s working! They can’t defeat it!” Sloan didn’t answer as he was in too much shock and awe over the entire incident. Suddenly the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. coiled backwards and let loose a spit of slimey goo all over the Megazord’s visual sensors.

“Perfect! Fuck them up by fucking them!” Evildron exclaimed at first, then lowered his voice while rubbing his right nipple in a circle, “Yes…yes, that’s good. That’s good.” Sloan was in a new state of horror as he first watched the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. attack the Rangers and then Evildron rubbing his own nipple. Sloan tried to talk, but he couldn’t.

“Oh my god!” screamed Tommy, “All visual sensors are offline! We’re blind, guys! What are going to do?!”

“Thank goodness the bay doors were closed!” Jen exclaimed, “You don’t want to go into this kind of thing unprotected!” Sky, blushing like crazy, just shook his head.

“Yeah, okay, let’s, uh…let’s think here! I’ve got it!” Sky shouted, “Call in the Super Megazord Flame Sabre!”

“What are you thinking, Sky?” Carlos asked, “This is no time for carne asada or even fajitas, hijo!” Tommy reached over at that point giving Carlos a high five for being so cool at that moment. Carlos felt a huge sense of pride, as any time Tommy treated you as cool, it meant something huge. I mean, Tommy was the definition of “cool”. Fonzy, who?

“There is one weakness to this monster,” Sky said. Before he could continue, Dustin interrupted him.

“You’re right! I think I saw it, too!” Dustin said, snapping is fingers, “It’s uncircumcised!”

“Brilliant, but that’s not what it could be, Dustin,” Jen chimed up, “That dick is circumcised. Trust me, I know!”

“Exactly, Jen! We’re going to attack the balls and if we can’t defeat it completely, we can at least put a hurt on it for a few days! We’ll at least be able to stop the goo attacks by giving it a vasectomy!” Sky said with all the excitement of a man with the best plan ever.

“Good plan, Sky! Let’s do it!” Tommy shouted. Everyone used their morphers to give the Megazord more power as they called upon the Super Megazord Flame Sabre.

“No! What are they doing?! What can they hope to accomplish?!” Evildron started screaming as he saw the flaming sword appear. Watching in terror, Evildron felt sick as he saw the Megazord poke directly into the balls of the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. “No!” Evildron screamed as his creation flailed about, “Retreat! We must retreat!”

“Master, why are we retreating?! I thought we were winning?” Sloan questioned, covering his nose to protect himself from the smell of burning flesh. Evildron grabbed Sloan by his shirt and began shaking him.

“No! They found my master plan’s one weakness! Also, the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. is only really good for two uses a day! Four if we took a week off,” Evildron explained to Sloan, “I took it out for a test drive earlier today. It needs to be rested!”

“Good job, Rangers! I think we definitely hit it!” Tommy congratulated everyone, “While it’s still sore, let’s finish it off!”

“Go, go, Power Rangers!” Carlos, Jen, Sky and Dustin all shouted out. With a mighty stomp, the Megazord stepped directly onto the balls while clearing the visual sensors the best they could. Even though the view from inside the Megazord stung their eyes, the Rangers were finally able to see once again! The R.A.P.E. B.O.T. was flopping around on the ground now, in absolute agony and unable to defend itself from further attack.

“Evildron! Your creation! The…the…” Sloan stuttered, pointing frantically toward the battle, quickly drawing to an end. Raising the Super Megazord Flame Sabre high in the air, the Rangers then repeatedly chopped up R.A.P.E. B.O.T. like a cucumber. Turning their back to it, in the classic “I don’t give a fuck!” pose, the monster exploded behind them in a fireball so large, it killed every human for six blocks in a 360 degree ring.

“No!” screamed Evildron in heartbreak.

“We have to get out of here before they find us!” Sloan cried as he hid against Evildron’s chest.

“Next time, Rangers! Next time!” Evildron screamed as started to fade out.

That night, the Rangers were having fun at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice bar in celebration of their victory. No one ever seemed to care when people were killed by the explosions of monsters, so the Rangers never thought anything of it either.

“That was a great fight, guys!” Sky said, tipping his red Dixie cup to everyone and slamming back a hard mixed drink.

“Yeah, I’m just glad we made it out of there all okay,” Tommy said, leaning back in his chair, “Not that I had any doubt.”

“If Evildron wants to keep fighting, we’ll keep fighting! No matter where he sends his monsters, we’ll hop to it like a bunch of Mexican jumping beans!” Carlos said with a grin and slammed back two tequila sours in rapid succession.

“Yeah, Evildron doesn’t know anything! If he really had any brains, he wouldn’t have sent a dick monster after us. A pussy would have been better, those things can take a beating!” Jen said, as she begin to suck on a pair of cherries as if she were working balls. Dustin coughed and started choking on his bitch diet drink as Tommy gave Jen a high five, filling her with pride, and making her give him a promising wink.

“So, Dustin,” Tommy started, slapping Dustin on the back, “What is the biggest dick, exactly, that you’ve seen?”


END SCENE! WOW! How awesome is that!? Yeah, I know, that’s the best fucking fan fiction you’ve ever read, isn’t it? I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before this becomes a canonical episode!