Cars by Pixar is Stupid


Pixar has done well for themselves. Good for them. However, some of their movies just don’t make sense. I’m not talking about how the entire “play dead” mechanic in Toy Story could never work, or how I find it extremely unbelievable no one in the entire Monsters Inc universe didn’t realize laughing could provide so much power from 1313 until 2001. Even though there are quite a few worlds they have built which are just flat out broken, the one I’m going to focus on right now is Cars. I’m not going to recap the entire movie, but I will bring a few things up.

This movie…good lord. The premise itself just doesn’t work. Nothing about the world they made seems to make much sense. The catalyst of everything, Lightening McQueen (drawn above), gets separated from his vehicle hauler…okay, whoa, let me back up a bit because I literally just realized how dumb this is from right here because this ties into what I was going to bring up.

So, we have world populated by only vehicles. In this movie, it’s all motor vehicles, such as trucks, sedans, mini-vans, low-riders (racist stereotype being portrayed as Mexicans), and things like that. There is nothing in the world which explains how each vehicle ends up being the type of vehicle it is nor why. Are tow-trucks just born to be tow-trucks? Are mini-vans born to just be mini-vans? Are plows just born to be plows? Does what one of these things decide to do dictate what they look like…like Transformers??? Well, the answer is “Fuck you. Watch the movie and don’t ask questions.”

Lightening McQueen is a race car. He just is. He’s pretty much one of the best, but is getting cocky. There’s even a very strange and disturbing sexual skit early on in which two identical cars shine their headlamps at him. Yes, that’s right, two female cars literally flash our “hero”. He even reacts like he just saw boobies, too, and they giggle like teenagers, as it’s hinted that they are very young, and pretend to be embarrassed for all of a second.

The face says it allAnyway, our “hero” is preparing to get to his next race and drives into the rear end of his big-rig trailer. Remember, this is a world populated by nothing more than vehicles, so this is like Michael Phelps climbing into a backpack to be carried to his next swimming match by one of his assistants. I know this may seem like I’m stretching things a bit and reaching, but think about it…this isn’t the same as someone driving you. You don’t climb into or onto a person and have them move you to where you’re going under their own power. It’s exactly like pulling a small kid in a wagon or carrying an infant in a baby carrier that’s made of your own body parts or the body parts of other humans. Disturbing, right? I thought so, too.

This brings me back to where I was originally going to start. The movie pretty much kicks off once Lightening McQueen gets separated from the rig he was being transported in. He tries to catch up by driving extremely fast down the road, which gets the attention of a police car who chases him down to arrest him for speeding. I have a huge problem with this. Why is the police officer chasing him? Driving too fast? He’s a car…not a driver. This entire world is populated by vehicles, not people, and the vehicle is controlling itself. Just like the absurdity of crawling inside another being to get transported to someplace else (like a parasite, bacteria, or virus…), this is literally like the police chasing down Usain Bolt for being out on a run, or arresting people while jogging for exercise. Say what you will about the nature of police in America, but I’m just not seeing why this is even a thing in the universe of Cars.

Can you imagine being out on a morning 10K run for training and the next thing you know you’re getting your ass handed to you by the local police because you were moving too fast? That’s pretty much exactly what happens to our “hero” here. What fresh 1984 hell does Cars take place in?! It’s almost like Animal Farm, but stupid.

You're supposed to find this sexually appealing... Now let’s throw in my other problem with the movie, which is something I have an issue with in pretty much all movies, especially children’s movies: Romance Sub-Plot. Why, oh, god, why, is there a romance sub-plot? It’s a movie about sentient, sapient motor vehicles focused on a racer who is too cocky for his own good. Do we really need a sexualized vehicle for our “hero” to fawn all over? Does the target audience have the maturity range and experience to appreciate this nuance of the story? I’m pretty sure most of the target demographics still think boys/girls are gross and don’t even have the understanding their parents are a boy and a girl…they’re just “Mom” and “Dad” still.

Just like most other stories and movies with absolutely nothing else to motivate the main character or make anyone remotely likable, the entire point of this romantic sub-plot is to be motivation for the main character, Lightening McQueen and provide something for a female lead to do: Be pretty to drive the plot forward. After all, everyone knows a woman in these stories can’t be separate or provide a means forward in the story by herself, unless she’s the single focus character in her own story, and even then, she has to be so overwhelmed by the fact she’s even just living that we’re happy to see her reach mediocrity by anyone’s standards. Likewise, the main character in these types of stories simply cannot have the motivation for doing what he desires without doing it to provide a nice big ego boost and status symbol for the woman.

Wait…what? The movies Blade and Terminator 2 showed you don’t have to put this type of dynamic into a movie with strong female characters and one of them is the main focus character in the movie? Well, fuck my ass sideways on a Sunday while calling me Victoria! You’re right! It can be done!

Screw this movie and the world they built. The entire thing makes no sense and the only thing worse is Planes. Yes. That’s real.

The Little Mermaid: Why it sucks in retrospect

Let me start off by saying that I neither love nor hate Disney in anyway. I think Disney is just fine. Hell, I spent four days and three nights at Disney Land at the beginning of 2018 and loved every single moment of it. What I have a problem with is how Disney rips off the public domain, devours it, shits out a low effort version of a superior item, and then gives nothing in return to the public.

Oh, and yes, I drew, using a mouse in Flash 8 Pro, all images in this entry. Click on them to see them in their original size and transparent glory. You’re welcome.

Disney’s version of The Little Mermaid is no different. The original story is a cautionary tale of envy and greed coupled with the consequences of being so impulsive. Hell, there’s even a little tease to children who read the story at the end of the original story saying if they’re bad, then that little mermaid will get another year added on to her 300 year sentence, unable to get a soul and go to heaven. Oh, you didn’t know that? Well, go read the real story and ignore Disney’s craptastic version.

Originally, I kind of really liked this version of Little Mermaid. It has the three best songs ever to come out of Disney. The animation is colorful and fun. It has Sebastian and Ursula. Then I realized the only good thing about this movie is the fact is had the three best songs to ever come out of Disney and it has Sebastian and Ursula. Oh, and the movie poster has a penis in it. That’s…that’s awesome.

Starting off in the film we meet Ariel and her useless sidekick named Flounder…because he’s a fucking flounder… Great use of your imagination there, Disney…I bet that took at least five, or maybe six, Imagineers to dream that one up. We’re treated to a shark attack by the shark actor who eventually went on to win his Academy Award and Oscar winning role as Brucie in Finding Nemo. Unfortunately, Ariel nor Flounder gets eaten and saves us from the rest of the movie.

Huh? I skipped over the part of Ariel’s sisters being introduced? Well, guess what? After that opening scene, until the finale, so does Disney. Yup, they complete skip over the entire part of the little mermaid having other sisters who get her interested in the human world to begin with. What about her grandmother? Well, Disney tosses her out completely, so there is no grandmother. Who needs an extremely important character when you have Flounder, right?

We eventually meet Sebastian, the second best character of the movie. Originally supposed to be an English butler style character and was later changed to Jamaican. Best…decision…ever…this helps us get the most fun song ever to come out of Disney (which is one of the three best Disney songs ever). This delicious looking character is awesome and what he is put through is bullshit. Sebastian gets put in charge by King Triton, Ariel’s father, to keep an eye on Ariel and report back if she’s going too crazy over the human world.

This guy is a music composer and a conductor. I can’t imagine a worse task for someone who has so little to do with anyone’s life to get involved with this. It’s like Emperor Joseph I tasking Johann Sebastian Bach to be a private investigator! Why in the world would anyone think this is a good idea? Sure, he’s small and can get around easily, but there are plenty of other fish out there better suited, I’m sure!

To keep Ariel more interested in the world she lives in, Sebastian performs the most fun Disney song ever! Yes, I’m talking about Under the Sea. By far, this is the most fun song Disney has ever presented to us. Yes, I keep saying it’s the most fun song and I’m going to keep saying it. Under the Sea is so freaking awesome I can’t stand it. Matter of fact…I’m going to listen to it now.

Okay. I’m back. Trust me when I say I listened to it six times: Two times dancing, one time sitting, and three times dancing naked while smoking crack.

Do you think Ariel cares about the awesome song or the warnings of her father? Nope. She’s a spoiled shit of a child and couldn’t care less. King Triton is more interested in sitting around all day with that stupid look on his face until someone brings him bad news and he smites them with the fury of God himself. I’m not kidding…this son of a bitch loses his temper at the drop of his hat. He goes through more mood swings than a juiced up gorilla going through menopause.

When Sebastian brings him bad news, he goes from smiling and laughing, to almost killing the poor, awesome crab! This guy really needs some therapy. Or at least switching to decaff for a time being. For sure needs to lay off the meth…or maybe needs to bump again. I don’t know. I just know he’s kind of an asshole, even though he’s right through the entire movie.

Back with Ariel in her little hidden sea cave, we see her going over all the cool things she has. Now, earlier we see her in this place and get the most beautifully sung Disney song ever. I’m talking about Part of Your World. This is not one of the best Disney songs ever, it’s just the most beautifully sung. What do I mean? Well, the song is spot on with the vocals and is performed perfectly. What keeps it from being one of the best songs ever is the content.

You’re probably wondering what the problem is with a song about longing for something unreachable is. Well, the fact of the matter is the song says specifically what is wrong with it and shows a lot of the selfish, spiteful, greedy, envious wretch that Ariel is. Behold:

♪♪♪
Look at this stuff
Isn’t it neat?
Wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete?
Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl
The girl who has everything?

Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she’s got everything

I’ve got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I’ve got whozits and whatzits galore
You want things of above?
I’ve got twenty!

But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

♪♪♪

Emphasis mine.

This selfish piece of beach wash admits she has so much. She talks about how she’s got everything, and yet, despite all of that, she wants even more. She has it all, but that’s not good enough, oh no, not for Ariel! This is NOT the role model you want for your children, especially your daughters. While the song may be sung beautifully, it’s disgusting with the message.

You know what? Now I’m angry. I’ll be right back.

Okay, I’m back. I had to go light a kitten on fire.

Eventually King Triton shows up and sees Ariel basically dry humping…or would it be wet humping since they’re underwater(???)…the statue of the prince she rescued earlier in the movie. She has obsessed about him non-stop, knowing nothing of him. In the original story, a lot of time passes as the little mermaid learns more and more about him by…well…stalking him and hanging outside his bedroom window. Again, not a great role model for anyone.

After Ariel screams that she loves someone she rescued like…two days ago maximum in this version…King Triton becomes even more enraged and blows up the statue. While King Triton may be a tyrannical ass with the anger lit by a half inch fuse on old dynamite, he has a point. She has no business acting the way she does and most certainly does not LOVE him. She’s in love with an ideal and fantasy. Yeah, he over reacted by blowing up all her things, but honestly it was the only way to get her to move on and knock it the fuck off.

Things don’t go that way, of course, because this is a Disney movie and not only are parents always terrible people whom you don’t listen to, but also because we need to introduce the greatest character in Disney history, never to this day to be surpassed.

Of course I’m talking about Ursula, the sea witch! Based on a drag queen named Divine, who’s real name was Harris Glenn Milstead, Ursula steals the entire show. From her look, to her uncomfortably sexual movements, she’s just the god damn best thing Disney has ever designed. I cannot go on about how awesome Ursula is. Besides those three best songs ever from Disney, she is the reason to watch this movie.

What’s better than the best character ever designed by Disney? How about the best character ever designed by Disney singing the most BAD ASS song by Disney! Poor Unfortunate Souls is so amazing that I suggest using it to pump up for a fight. The pacing, the nudging, the vocals…oh my god, this is by far the best song from Disney hands down and the best out of the three. If Part of Your World shows Ariel’s character traits…this song tells you everything you need to know about Ursula. She hides nothing. She pretends to be nothing more than she is. The entire song is filled as a warning and all the reasons Ariel needs to go away. It’s also bouncy as shit. Just…go listen to it. Twenty or thirty times is necessary.

Again, does Ariel listen? Fuck no. She ignores all the warnings from everyone, including Ursula who kept basically telling her to think about it hard. Ariel even looks away from the contract when signing it. It’s a perfect allegory to her personality. I’m not going into detail since I’ve already done it so much. Just think about that for a moment.

She’s turned into human, gets rushed to the surface by Sebastian, who should have told King Triton right away instead of shucking that duty this once, and Flounder, and is “rescued” by Prince Eric. Up to this point there’s no point in talking about him or his name, so…there…his name is Eric.

Since Ariel has no voice, she’s forced to get the prince to fall in love with her through other means. Now, normally this would take months to years, but this is a Disney film and she only has three days per the contract. Originally there was no time limit aside from the prince marrying someone else…but then again, the original also had her wanting an immortal soul, so I guess they had to change things up a bit.

They go on adventures, play dress up, and just kind of hang out. This all leads us to the third and final best song from Disney ever: Kiss the Girl. Once again, one of the best characters from Disney ever delivers this. Sebastian sees his chance when the couple are out rowing about in a swamp area, which later is the scene of Princess and the Frog. I can’t prove that. It’s not even true. But you thought about it for a second. Admit it.

Kiss the Girl is calypso as all hell and is my second favorite song out of this. The scenery while the song is played matches the pacing and mood perfectly. Sebastian proves what a bad ass composer he is once again. Granted, it brings up the question if humans, or Eric for that matter, can understand what the wildlife are saying. Also, Ursula said it isn’t any kiss, but a kiss of true love, so it’s debatable if this would have worked if Floatsom and Jetsum, Ursula’s “babies”, interfered or not. I also love how pensive Eric is during this entire thing. He’s trying to be a gentleman and Ariel is the one pursuing him like a rabid dog. Them eyes on Ariel, though. Dayum.

Fast forward through unimportant crap and Ursula realizes her plan to take the throne back from her brother, King Triton…oh, what’s that? You didn’t know that was Ariel’s aunt? Yup. I guess family sucks is another lesson. Anyway, she realizes her plan to get back at him and take the throne by way of Ariel might fail, so she decides to use Ariel’s voice to make the prince love her instead, effectively screwing Ariel over.

Plan works until the sea shell containing Ariel’s voice is broken and Ariel is turned into a polyp. Yep, I know what they are because of Google. King Triton decides his daughter is better than his kingdom and signs the contract for Ariel, effectively making him pay the price for his terrible daughter. Why the change of heart from King Triton? I don’t know…Disney.

Eventually Ursula is killed by Eric in one of the most awesome ways possible: A stern through the chest. Uh huh, that’s right, Disney had their prince ram a ship into the heart of their villain, killer her off in what must have been an eternity of agony to Ursula. Pretty cool.

In the end Ariel gets everything she wanted. No one learns a lesson. No one has to pay for anyone’s mistake except for Ursula, who kept her end of the deal constantly. She was honest about who she was. She was honest about the deal. Sure she had another reason to do it, but Ariel knew the conditions of the contract and still signed away her life, literally.

I liked The Little Mermaid better when she died at the end, never gaining her immortal soul nor getting the guy. She had to learn a hard lesson and it’s a lesson people need to keep in mind. There are consequences for such impulsive and selfish behavior. That, my friends, is why this movie sucks overall.