Remember when game developers cared? (s)

When people remember the good ‘ole days, it’s usually just because of nostalgia and not because things actually were better.  Well, it may have been better for them as a whole, like when really old people remember when it was better with blacks “in their place”, but that’s not what I’m talking about here.  Not to say all old people or old people in generally are racist.  Look, I know how you people on the Internet do with your moronic white knighting.  Chill out.

What I’m talking about in this entry is when game developers actually cared and did something about cheating or problems with their games. Yeah, believe it or not, there was a time when game developers would actively police their games to ensure a quality experience. Yep, that goes as far as banning cheaters almost immediately. You also didn’t get banned or suspended for playing the single player modes in ways you wanted to, or in ways the developers didn’t intend. Hell, half the time the fun was finding ways to break the game in your favor.

These days with instant hot patching and always on internet access, game developers are punishing players for playing the way they want in the single player modes and forcing people into their shitfest-second fiddle-thrown in just so they can claim to have a multiplayer experience-hack filled multiplayer while not addressing the hacking nor cheating. Look, multiplayer can be great, but game developers need to stop focusing on it or adding it just for fuck all’s reason.

I remember when UbiSoft cared about their multiplayer with Far Cry 1. I can’t speak for FC2 since I never touched the MP part of it. When people would hack and cheat, UbiSoft would ban accounts and even CD Keys. Now? Nope. FC3 and FC4 are filled with hacks and what does UbiSoft do? Suggest you play with friends. When people were hacking on Counter Strike, what did the devs do? MASSIVE ban waves every week! Battlefield 4 is full of hackers and what does DiCE do? Tell you not to make it public, use the Battlelog to submit the report, and then if the player doesn’t affect the leaderboard, they ignore it. Report enough cheaters, with evidence, and YOUR account gets suspended! The hacking and not giving a shit about it by DiCE is so bad, even mentioning the presence of cheating on their forums or on Battlelog gets the post removed almost immediately and your account deactivated for a minimum of 3 days. WTF, guys?!

It’s not just the developers, either. When did people who paid for something stop giving a shit about how unusable it is? When did people who paid for something and had the power to regulate its use stop giving a shit? What is wrong with ALL OF YOU?!

When the Vato Loco Gang clan on Battlefield 3 had a server, we policed it every day. There is a reason we were ranked #3 in the world for favorites and people constantly fought to get into the server, begging for VIP access and even offering to pay for premium spots. Why? Because we ran it like the game SHOULD have been. We banned cheaters, kicked laggers, and made sure people were having FUN rather than dealing with cheating fucks. These days, people are putting up rules for their server, and then not doing anything about it when people hack, cheat, glitch, or go against the server rules. If you aren’t going to enforce fair play, then don’t buy a server.

Destiny is so full of hackers, the PvP is pointless to play, but guess what? Bungie sure as hell forces you to play it. Do they care about it? Yes and no. Fuck no from the point of you enjoying it or banning cheaters. Yes in the way they balance EVERYTHING in the game, which is MMO based, to cater to PvP’tards who cry. Bungie has shown how little they give a shit about the actual RPG aspect of their RPG side, since their changes have made the PvE section a massive struggle thanks to mind boggling weapon balances (in order to cater to PvP’tards who cry), while demonstrating, through their own patch notes, they can EASILY separate PvP and PvE weapon damage! Oh, but don’t worry, they are banning people…who are listed as “unhelpful” or “inactive” on strikes. Not cheating, not lagging, not hacking…but unhelpful… Fuck you, Bungie. Three times. No lube.

Yes, I am RAGING right now. I am beyond fucking pissed off. What the fuck is wrong with developers these days? They act like WE need THEM, when in reality THEY need US, especially with bloated budgets and lowing profit margins. Fuck you, assholes. Start policing your god damn games instead of waiting until all of your expansions are out to get the extra money.

Commander’s Journal – Metro (BF4)

Russian Side

January 16th, 2020
I am happy to have been joined to the task force in France in charge of finally taking the metro station away from the American swine. Fighting in this area has been happening for years, but with a true commander now on site, I know things will change in our favor.

The pathetic Americans have been trapped inside the rotting infrastructure for much too long now and I am sure their moral is crashing. They have only two areas of control left, and I shall rip that from their clutches!

On the day of victory, I shall open up the pallet of vodka I had brought in secretly and my comrades shall drink until we pass out!
January 19th, 2020
I have arrived at the metro station and am shocked at the destruction. Most of the buildings have been reduced to near ruble and the metro station itself is in shambles. The men, however, are all in high spirits. Their upper position has granted them a remarkable advantage in this fight. From the ungodly high pile of dead enemy soldiers lining the hallways and alleyway, they are doing very well, indeed.

As is tradition, my men have all acquired nicknames and so I address them as such. Squad C’s leader, IGetStfDunn (as he likes to be referred to by), greeted me and began to introduce me to everyone. While he seemed a strong leader, the rest were just your average soldier who was lucky to get the position. When I asked about the incompetency of the other squads, he shrugged and simply stated, “They were the best at drinking vodka.” Nothing new or interesting there.

It was, however, when I became introduced to FunkyMonkey493 I saw a sight to truly behold. He had light brown hair, periwinkle eyes that would light up the room, a strapping jaw which could cut through concrete, a toned upper body which just would make you feel safe because of his strong arms and you’d just want to stay there forever…. Sorry, I find myself rambling at times.
January 21st, 2020
The fighting is always intense. I make sure to provide drone support to my men. My men mean everything to me. They are my men, after all. Watching them fight gets me so hard…up for battle.

Speaking of drones…how they have been managing to penetrate the deep concrete of the metro to show my men where the enemy is is truly astonishing. Hehe…penetrate…hehe…my men.
January 27th, 2020
I have been getting to know FunkyMonkey493 much better. Did you know he likes chocolates, killing the enemy, walks on the beach, and vodka? Well, you do now! He’s great. I watch him running about and laughing with my men, especially in the shower. Should a squad leader die, I will promote him to being my top man…or at least to the top of a squad.
February 2nd, 2020
For the life of me, I can’t figure out why we have engineers and snipers here. All of the fighting has been taking place inside the metro station. The enemy has also taken to the habit of riding the elevators up and down while firing rockets. It’s hilarious! Most of the time they don’t hit any thing except a wall and my gunners chop them to pieces in a matter of seconds. Even though the snipers seem useless, it’s rather entertaining to see them line the elevators with C4 and blow up the enemy as they get inside of it. Crazy thing, them elevators…no matter how much explosive ordinance is placed and detonated inside, they always function. I guess the French got SOMETHING right.

Know who else likes to go up and down it turns out? Yes, that is right: FunkyMonkey493. He has the most excellent trick where he pretends to have a snake bite and…well, I’m rambling again.
February 11th, 2020
I’m going to ask FunkyMonkey493 to be my Valentine!
February 14th, 2020
♥FunkeyMonkey493 + Commander = 4 EVR♥ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
February 15th, 2020
I had given the opportunity for FunkyMonkey493 to be a permanent member upon my staff. Of course he said yes.
February 20th, 2020
I suppose I have been neglecting my other duties, as the enemy has overrun us. How and why is beyond me, but then again, I did stop paying attention to the fighting and focused all my attention on FunkyMonkey493.

As I write this in a prisoner lock-up, I am counting down the time until my conjugal visit promised to me by the Americans. At least they recognize love when they see it, so it’s not all that bad.

Until my next entry, dasvidaniya, comrades!


Send in your other suggestions and we’ll keep this going.

Commader’s Journal – Hainan Resort (BF4)

July 18th, 2020
I have been deployed to the US base in the south China region known as Hainan Resort. While of course I was aware of the fierce battles going on in the region, a part of me was looking forward to the constant sunshine. Having a base located in a luxury hotel was going to be a nice change of pace from the muddy BIVOUAC sites I was uncomfortably getting used to.

Upon my arrival to Hainan I was introduced to the current ranking team leader, who insisted I call him by his nickname, JimmyJamJamWow123. I was obviously taken back by the strange nickname and refusal acknowledgment of his true name, but whatever…these men have seen hell and I was not going to demoralize them anymore than they already were. The damnedest thing, though, was when I inquired about their previous commander. He and the other men he introduced me to would break into hysterical laughter, but upon realizing I was serious, go immediately quiet and change the subject. Well…whatever…
July 24th, 2020
During my routine walks amongst the troops I noticed a sudden realization I hadn’t seen most of them. Thinking they were slacking off somewhere, I searched frantically for them, but could not locate the missing ones. I knew they were around, since they showed up for every scheduled chow and first inspection. Since I was still new around this base, I didn’t press the matter too much, as everything seemed to be getting done.
July 25th, 2020
Today was the first time the enemy attacked us since I arrived! The battle was intense and they rushed us with everything they had. Once again, I was at a loss as to where many of the men were, as the hotel was constantly being overrun, and only a handful of soldiers would appear to defend our base! I was beyond angry as to what I found out what was happening.

I repeatedly issued order after order for air support….oh and I got it…kind of. The jet pilots locked into fierce dog fights, at insanely low altitudes, with the enemy. Insanely low isn’t even the term for it. Remember the scene in Top Gun where they buzzed the tower? Yeah, imagine being on the third floor of a damn hotel room and seeing a fucking formation of jets go screaming past the windows with full guns and missiles firing!!! We lost more fighter pilots to palm trees that day than to enemy fire!

Where were the choppers? …sigh… For some reason, any one is allowed to fly these things! Half of the helicopters were lost in the first five minutes of fighting, and about an eighth of our soldiers, because of some idiot jumping into a chopper, going as fast and high as possible, then bailing out to hang out on the roof! I watched as Blackhawk after Blackhawk raced to the roof of the hotel, full of people, and the pilot would just…he’d…OH GOD!
August 3rd, 2020
I am up to six lunch beers and thinking of opening a seventh. I…I don’t know how much more I can take. We’re down to one jet and one chopper. JimmyJamJamWow123 and Prokinshires (not his real name) keep assuring me I’m doing a good job, so I just keep promoting them…I mean fuck it, right? Why not…I am the commander after all and their squads are getting the best results.
August 6th, 2020
A small victory, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH!!!!!!!!!!! I am near bald, and I am drinking fifteen beers a meal, but I AM THE WIZARD KING!!!!!! Using the last helicopter and the last jet, my men rushed to the top of the hotel as we were being attacked and stayed up there! They all picked up sniper rifles and went to town! Sure I lost more than sixty percent of them to a sweeping fire of hell from a chopper, but they managed to hold the enemy back!

As they rushed to the roof, all holding a sniper rifle, I gave them the thumbs up. Perching themselves against the railing, I heard their ultimate battle cry, “MAKE IT RAIN, YOU SOB’S!!!!!!!!” Then, like a mixture of thunder and those little monster snap things wrapped in tissue paper, they repeatedly began to fire their DMR’s and straight pull sniper rifles. CARNAGE!! CAAAAAARNAGE!!!! I feel sorry for that one, poor, dear ammo totting soldier supporting them. He died of a heart attack an hour into the battle just running back and forth giving them ammo. I also had no idea one medic could resurrect over one hundred people in fifteen minutes with just one defibrillator! I will miss that kid…he was good.
August 7th, 2020
As we cleaned up the bodies of the fallen enemy off our door steps, some of the soldiers began to pull their pants down and repeatedly squat, putting their genitals against the mouth of the dead enemy, while shouting racist slurs. Freaking hilarious…another beer…and this heroin is AWESOME!
September 1st, 2020
They’re coming to take me away, hehee, the men in their little white jackets, HEHHOOOOO!!!!!