Letter from my HOA over my fireworks

Look, Fourth of July is freaking awesome.  Almost as awesome as Halloween, but not quite…so probably on level with Christmas.  What’s not to love about lighting things on fire legally?

Well, I have been celebrating all week with a combination of Jack Daniels, Dr. McGillicuddy’s, and fireworks.  Yeah, I’ve been that excited over the book and Fourth of July.  Not sharing my enthusiasm for America’s independence, my HOA, Soul Suck HOA, has issued me to stop!  Can you believe that?!

Man, I hate HOA’s…they suck so bad.  Here’s a scanned copy of that letter they sent me (click for a larger view in a separate window):
Soul Suck HOA hates July 4th!

Man…fuck those guys!  What nazis!  Also, a SAFE 4th?  Unless someone lights their hair on fire or looses a finger, my night isn’t complete!

Why “You’re Next” couldn’t happen to my family (s)

There’s always one thing with horror movies I always keep asking myself: “Why doesn’t at least one of them have a gun???” I’m not talking about the killers, I’m talking about the victims. For me, it’s a complete oddity at least one person in a group doesn’t have a gun either with them or quick access. It just doesn’t make sense. Someone aught to have a gun. Then I remember the movies were made by liberal idiots who think people don’t have a right to effective self defense. I mean, every character does what the anti-gun people say to do, and they all die at the hands of a guy with a fucking axe or crossbow. Yeah…fuck you morons. Moving on.

So I was flipping through the craptastic list Netflix currently has and I noticed “You’re Next”. I didn’t know anything about this movie going in except what I read on the synopsis…and we all know how useful and accurate Netflix makes those… I like a good horror movie, but this isn’t one of them. I’m not going to give a huge review here, don’t worry.

Basically, a family is having a get together, three guys start killing them, and they all die. During the entire thing, not one person has a gun. Oh, sure, they use meat tenderizers (I’m not kidding you) and a few kitchen knives to defend themselves, but everyone except for some chick who grew up in a “survivalist camp” (Why didn’t she have a gun???) dies.

I can’t speak for most families, but mine actually likes each other. Well, minus my wife’s side of the family who all but threw her out for marrying me and they don’t talk to us nor anyone in my family (No in-laws FTW!!!!). Even with my parents divorced and remarried, both sides of the family regularly get together and have fun. While you may think that’s odd, I find it odd other families get together just to fight during the holidays, resulting in more hatred toward each other.

Another thing about my family is just about everyone is armed. I’m armed, my uncles are armed, many of my aunts are armed, my cousins are armed, my wife is armed, my father is armed… The nieces and nephews are too young to carry themselves, that’s why they aren’t. There’s no way you could pull off the bullshit I saw in this, and many other, movie with us. One wrong move against us and the result Swiss human cheese. Here’s just a small example of what my family get togethers would look like if someone came in while we were dining together:

This is not an exaggeration, either. Now that many of us are in Colorado, even some of my British relatives will open carry when they get here. Hell, I even got married while my wife and I were wearing our guns. Her gun is up on her leg. Sexy, sexy. So even at our wedding, if someone decided to be a tard, they would have ended up having a very terrible day. Wouldn’t you want that for someone trying to hurt you and/or your family? For them to have the understated bad day of their life?

We aren’t gun nuts or even gun enthusiasts. If the amount of firearms I have makes me a gun nut, then you’re a towel nut and are obsessed with towels. I can promise anyone reading this has more towels in their house than I do firearms in mine. We enjoy shooting, we enjoy hunting, and we like the equalizing power it provides to everyone who wouldn’t be able to defend themselves otherwise. Sure it may be a tool, but it’s a bad ass and fun tool. If I’m a gun enthusiast, then you’re a couch enthusiast. You probably know more about your couch than I do about different guns between brands.

So, no, “You’re Next” couldn’t happen to me and my family. The first sign of some dumbass coming through a window would have resulted in them turning into ground hamburger. Or ground turkey for you low fat people. The movie isn’t bad, it’s just not the realistic horrorfest they billed it to be.

Why Grand Theft Auto Takes Place in the Cities it Does

Grand Theft Auto stands as one of the greatest franchises in the video game industry.  The open world format was introduced to most of us through the series, even though it wasn’t necessarily the first to use the formula.  Over the years, the series has grown and even matured more than many others.

What makes the game so great?  Besides the almost unbridled ability to do what you want whenever you want, it’s the sense of power you have as a character.  Most of the time, said power has to do with being able to rain down destruction on the numerous NPCs which litter the landscape using the obscene amount of weapons available.

Think about that…  Your enjoyment of the game comes from your sense of freedom and power.  How do you feel that freedom and power?  You have weapons which you can unleash on the populace at any time, with the only real worry being other criminal organizations or law enforcement there to “spoil” your fun.  I mean, really, the only ones in these games are generally criminals and law enforcement who use weapons, aside from the player.

This is why the games take place in the cities in which they do.  What cities are we talking about here?  Well, the games are based off of Los Angeles, San Francisco, London, New York, New Jersey and Miami in the 1980’s.

I know what you’re thinking. “No shit, Sunrie.  Everyone knows that!”  Pay attention, idiot, because I’m about to blow your tiny little mind with this.  What do all of these cities have in common?  They are pinnacles of the gun control world.  Why is this important?  For the reason why I stated you feel powerful in these games.  After all, you cannot have the player feel powerful and free to do what they wish if every five seconds someone will take them out for opening fire on an unarmed pedestrian.

I’ve seen people making suggestions to put the GTA games in places like Texas or Colorado.  This will never, ever, happen.  Why?  Because here in Colorado we have open carry rights and a shall issue for concealed permits.  You cannot put a GTA game here in Colorado, because if you pull out a gun in the game to cause problems, chances are, you’re going to have people pulling their guns on your ass to take you down.  Same goes in Texas, though they do not have open carry rights.  Want to see the games make a return to Vice City?  Fat chance!  Florida has the excellent “Stand Your Ground” laws, in which shit buckets such as Trayvon Martin get what they deserve.

Rockstar attempts to counter the player by adding law enforcement every ten feet in their games instead of having a rash of armed citizens with open or concealed carry.  This prevents you from feeling unstoppable, but still gives you the ability to take out the random NPCs at will with little chance they will take you down in return.  What Rockstar is really saying in these games with this method is exactly what the sheep liberals and power hungry politicians are saying, “The people have no power, and so the ‘law’ is there to respond to their plights.  Those who are important have the rights to be protected, but the ‘common rabble’ do not.”

Bad news for all of you brain dead, anti-Constitutional morons out there who don’t understand why firearms are important to your own protection: The Supreme Court of the United States has ruled law enforcement has zero responsibility to save your life.  Law enforcement is there to enforce the law, not protect the people.  When was the last time you actually saw “To Serve and Protect” on a police car?  Probably early eighties, wasn’t it?

Along the same lines as GTA is Red Dead Redemption.  Ah, yes, RDR…taking everything which was started in GTA and perfected!  The world felt larger, there was more going on, and who doesn’t like a tragic western?  Your argument up to this point may have been, “Well, didn’t RDR take place in New Austin, which is modeled after Texas? Proves you wrong!’

Incorrect in said argument and for good reason!  Red Dead Redemption may take place in a Texas style area, but at no time do you really have the feeling of ultimate power as you do in the GTA games.  To give you a sense of overwhelming power, the game has “dead eye”, but limits the ability to use it.  Almost every NPC in the game is armed and does what they can to take you out if you do something wrong.  Hell, even just pointing a gun at someone for a second or two will get you shot at by another NPC, and then have the NPC you drew your weapon on attack you.

The only two places in the game which aren’t held to the same mechanics are Thieves Landing and Blackwater.  Thieves Landing has no law enforcement and the citizens of the town are much more lenient, only firing when fired upon.  Blackwater is as close to a big city as you will find in the game, and the citizens are generally as neutered as common big cities; Relying on the local law enforcement to end a menace instead of doing so themselves.  It is easily the best town to take out civilians without them shooting back!

Soon the new Grand Theft Auto game will be released.  Will it be good?  Hell yes it will be.  Once again we’re taken back to San Andreas and the game mechanics have been reworked one more time.  The changes look positive and fun.

One of the mechanics is the ability to do missions in different play styles.  Do you want to sneak or be loud?  Do you want to go in with a full team or try to run a skeleton crew for a bigger take?  All of that sounds freaking awesome to me.  We’re also given the ability to customize not only the characters and cars, but weapons, too!

Yes, I got a little side tracked on how awesome this game will be, so what?   If you made it this far, good for you.  This game wouldn’t work anywhere other than coming back to San Andreas since we’re kind of sick of Liberty City and Rockstar cannot send the game back to Vice City due to “shall issue” laws in Florida for concealed weapons and their kick ass “Stand Your Ground” statutes.  No…in California, you have a responsibility to flee and there is no Castle Doctrine to worry about, so the player can have that unbridled power and freedom they have gotten used to.

While I’d love to see a GTA game in a Denver style setting or even a modern Austin, it just will never happen.  The citizenry has too much power in those areas, and you cannot have that if you’re going to have a player feel powerful by only allowing law enforcement and criminals to have the guns.

Remember, you’re never really a good guy in the GTA games.  When guns are outlawed, only the outlaws will have guns!  That is absolutely necessary for a Grand Theft Auto game and it will never change.

Needling: Deadly New Teen Trend

Needling – A Deadly New Teen Trend
New trend can lead to disease
By Morton Dillon

Denver, CO – Jillian Meadows was, by every account, a normal sixteen year old girl. She had a good part time job, was on the cheerleading team, and helped out at the retirement community. No one had anything negative to say to her, and she was never in any kind of trouble.

Jillian, however, had a dark secret. A secret so concealed that not even her parents knew about it. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t until July 6th, at around five in the afternoon when Jillian’s parents rushed her to the hospital after finding her unconscious on her bedroom floor did anyone even have an idea something was wrong. She died at approximately midnight. The cause of death was a large scale staph infection.

It’s called “Needling”, and it’s becoming more and more popular among teenagers. Your son or daughter might even be doing it right now.
A growing problem
Joey Martinez admits to needling like a teenagerIt’s the latest in trends among teenagers and even adults with Aspergers. Rather than cutting themselves, your children are repeatedly pricking themselves with needles. There are hundreds of website dedicated to “Needling”. These sites teach children how to keep their needles sharp, clean, and where to prick to get the biggest high out of the pain. Many websites even try to hide the truth by claiming it is a valid, medical procedure. However, if you venture into their forums, you’ll find the truth.

Just last year alone we were shocked to learn that nearly fifty teenagers in Denver alone were rushed to the hospital with severe staph infections and blood clots due to “Needling”. With fatalities originating at zero and shooting up to even just one, we feel the need to bring this to every parent’s attention.

What you might not know is how shocking the numbers are. When asking at a local area high school, we found that nearly seventy percent of students are either a “needler” or knows someone who is. Even more surprising is that teenagers are willing to turn a blind eye to this new trend, because it doesn’t leave tell tale markings like cutting does.
How 'Needling' Works and the TermsEven though it’s called “Needling”, a needle isn’t necessarily required. When asked, ninth grader, Timothy McAdams stated, “It’s not that difficult to do without a needle. While sitting in class I will use a sharpened paperclip or even just the end of my mechanical pencil.” This is the most shocking of all: Needlers are using anything they can get a hold of to perform the “Needling”.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Samantha Fanell, of a Highlands Ranch school told a reporter, “It’s not like it leaves scars like cutting does. You don’t even know who’s doing it. I could be a needler and you wouldn’t even know it, now would you?” Samantha showed us up and down her arms, and even her legs to prove it. Was Samantha a needler? She never did give us a straight answer.
Surviving the Pressure
Sarah Winchester, a junior at RMH, came to us with her story of surviving the pressure of “Needling”. Sara is one of many teenagers dealing with this new trend amongst her friends. Sarah tells us the following:

I was at a party last September with a lot of my friends. I didn’t know everyone who was there, but that’s just the way it is most of the time. Pretty much the usual was going on at the party until I noticed a group of people in the corner. I figured they were just playing Beer Pong or something.

When I approached them, I couldn’t see what was going on, so I asked someone. “They’re needling. We’re waiting our turn,” I was told. I had no idea what needling was, so I asked. I was horrified to find out they were jabbing themselves in the neck and arm with sharp points!

When offered to join them, I ran out of there as fast as possible. The worst thing I’m going to touch is a cigarette, thank you very much.
From Whence It Came
No one is really sure when “Needling” became a hot trend amongst teenagers. Most people believe that it started off as an Internet fetish, but was quickly picked up by depressed teenagers as a means to inflict pain in order to raise endorphin levels, resulting in a small high.

“Almost everyone uses the Internet as a means to communicate with colleagues and check their e-mail. However, a small group of people use it to spread cancerous ideas around. And, like cancer, these ideas are almost impossible to destroy,” attorney Mark Stundall claims, “Teenagers and pedophiles see the Internet in this way. We really need heavy government regulation of the Internet. Soon we’ll see your children recruited into terrorist training camps through the Internet thanks to lax laws.”

One can monitor many of the needlers through Facebook and Twitter. Hundreds of “Needlers” like to post updates on their “Needling” on Twitter for their friends to follow.

#nf Needling tonight at midnight to hide from rents!
#nf Frakeing ❤ teh nedls!!!!!!!
#nf Needled my dog, lolololololololo!!11!

It’s not just the depressed kids and adults with Aspergers anymore. Even pop stars are keen on this trend. Not long ago, Miley Cyrus spoke out against “Needling” on the Oprah Winfrey show.

“It’s not something that adults are really tuned in to be able to pick up,” Miley tells Oprah, “however, kids are going to see that it produces a small high, or even balances you out. I’ve never tried it myself. Yes, I can promise that.”
Law Enforcement’s Involvement
Even though we sent copy of the Twitter feeds to the Summit County Sheriff’s office, they seem to be both powerless and apathetic to this trend.

“It’s not that we don’t care,” Sheriff Kenney Boone stated, “it’s just that there really isn’t a law against it. Much like suicide, it’s not something we can charge someone with. The law is pretty clear here in Colorado: It’s your body and you can do what you want.”

This begs just one question: How many more must suffer before the law steps in and helps our children?

Posted 8/8/2010 at 11:54 PM on Xanga

So, I was at A Taste of Colorado…disgusting people (s)

If anyone happened to be at Taste of Colorado last night, you probably saw me but didn’t know it *L*

I do have to rant a little about the event, however… First off, the security was moronic. At the entrance was basically two Middle Eastern dudes who’s first words as I walked up with my group was, “Purses!! We need to check your purses!” to the two females of the group. I was then told, “Okay. Do you have any guns and knives on you, if not, come on in.”

Yes, that was all in one sentence. I didn’t show a badge, I didn’t say I was a cop.

I walked right in fully armed (including a three inch flip knife not hidden on my pocket) and my cousin had his knife. I was a little more than “humored” at this. My other cousin and his girlfriend didn’t know I came armed and when I told them, they started laughing. My aunt stated she started showing him her purse and the guy told her, “No, that’s okay. I believe you, come on in.” In the course of thirty minutes I saw six pistols and only two of those were on cops. The other four were on black gang-banging-pieces-of-shit. A lot of knives on retarded rednecks as well.

Secondly, when I start to go into a place like “A Taste of Colorado”, I don’t want to be jumped by your political views, regardless of side. What makes it worse is the fact that how they were presenting how great it would be. They were selling t-shirts and paintings which showed Obama in familiar pose right next to(are you ready for this) Che Guevara. The messages were different on each one, but they all had the word Hope and Revolution on it. Several of them said “Revolution for Hope and Change!” To me, that really just kind of says it all for the trash.

As if that wasn’t enough, most of the time we would pass one of those supporters, they were arguing with someone! Not over political views, no! They were arguing about trivial shit. “What, mother fucka! You just gna do me like dat?! I said the water only a dolla! Wer you from they treat peeps like that?! SHIT!”

Yes…I typed it as phonetically as I could to mimic the way they said it. No, they didn’t have Haitian accents or anything like that, these were Americans. Don’t let me forget to mention the CONSTANT shouting of “nigger/nigga” throughout the event…not by white people.

I really hate being in LoDo after 11:30…but that’s another topic.

Posted 8/31/2008 at 1:27 PM on Xanga