The Magical Whistling Vagina

There are few actual magical things in this world: Love of a puppy, a full moon on a still summer night, and the strangling of a baby. Well, I’ve found one more thing: the whistling vagina. While it’s not mine anymore, I had the pleasure of experiencing it for a time in my life and I know I can die a happy man now.

How this all started was simple enough and hardly worth mentioning, but I will. I had just finished a nine mile round trip hike around a local mountain range when I spotted a black haired angel. She was only around five foot four inches, but she had a hard body, tight ass, and a pair of tits which betrayed her small figure. Banging lips, too, which I knew could suck a pair of balls straight out of a hard dick. Turns out, I was right about that, but let’s not focus on this.

We caught eyes as I approached, so I stopped and began some idle chat with her. She told her two annoying friends to go ahead without her, and we made plans to meet up later. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What about this magical whistling vagina?” I’m getting to that. Every story needs a good setup.

She must have called me fifteen times in two days to tell me how excited she was to meet up. Taking this as a cue, I decided to just invite her straight over to my place and have a date just like any other twenty three year old does. That is to say, put on Netflix, pretend to be interested in the movie on screen for five seconds, and then start making out for a few before banging each other until the sun comes up three days later. If you haven’t figured this is that kind of story yet, you’re dumber than even I figured you are.

The night in question comes around and she shows up in this tiny sun dress which barely covered her panties, which she actually wasn’t wearing, and was the description of “Holy shit, you fine!”. I popped some popcorn and we chatted as it finished up before flipping through Netflix to find something we were going to ignore. I don’t remember what it was, but sure enough, the make-out session started and she was aggressive in a good way.

Realizing this wasn’t going to be enough nor was the couch a good place to start the screwing, we both jumped up and ran to the bed room. All clothes came off and we got into the full swing of it. After about four strokes I realized I heard something strange, so I stopped and looked around. When I didn’t hear it again, I continued, only to realize the sound came back. She asked what was wrong and I told her, “I hear something odd…like…like a whistle that keeps changing as I’m nailing you.” She blushed and told me it was her. Well, not her, but her magical whistling vagina. I didn’t believe her and started trying different variations, which, sure enough, changed the pitch and length of each whistle.

From that moment on I was hooked! I couldn’t get enough of that magical whistling vagina. With her help, I explored all kinds of different musical tastes from Fredrick Francois Chopin to ZZ Top. From Waltz to Dubstep. Sadly, happiness can never truly last forever and she left one day for new adventures. I will always remember, and be grateful, for the time with that magical whistling vagina!

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I’m not hitting on your daughter! If I was…

…you’d know.  This actually came up today, and I figure it’s a good write up.  Now, I’m a naturally flirty person.  It’s just who I am and what I do.  I’ve been accused of hitting on my waitress in front of my date on numerous occasions, and lord knows I’m not actually hitting on them.

Personally, I’ve never had a problem guessing that age of a girl being legal and I’m generally not in the habit of picking up random women at…well…anywhere.  Especially at the mall.  Yes, the mall.  Shut the hell up, I don’t have to justify myself to you people and I won’t.  This does, however, bring me to the point of this article.  Damn straight I have a point.  Why…what did you hear?

So I’m at the mall, at Eddie Bauer if you must know, and I end up striking up a quick conversation with a cute chick.  Actually, she struck it up with me.  She’s got those nice tits of a younger woman who hasn’t had sagging issues yet.  I had made some comment to her mom and dad about the jeans he was deciding through.  They asked me if I thought the pants the father had would make him look like he’s acting too young.

She kept eyeballing me, and I asked where they were from and they commented they were from Alaska.  No, I will NOT make any Sarah Palin jokes.  Go fuck yourself.  Obviously, it’s not above me to make a John McCain joke, though.  Anyway, I asked if they moved to here, being Colorado, or if they are moving to Alaska.

Well, turns out they were actually moving from Alaska to Colorado.  The mother makes the comment that the daughter is moving out in April and they will follow a few months after.  So, I look over at the chick and ask, “Oh, so you’re going to do the school thing out here or just for a change of scenery.”  She laughs and tells me, “No, for school.  I’ll be going to D.U. just down the way.  Not far from here.”  Okay, just to let you know, at this point, the father was not near us.  The mother, however, looks at her daughter, who’s looking at me and smiling, and quickly qualifies it with, “Well, whens she GRADUATES she’s going to be going to the school anyway.”

I was confused at first to the mother’s quick statement and then started laughing on the inside.  The father, suddenly shows up behind the mother and goes, “You go to school around here?”  I’m dying from laughter even harder inside, but not showing it except for a sarcastic smile on my face and let him know, “Actually, I was in California for most of the time and came out this way following my family.  I put myself through *insert career choice here*.”

I won’t say that I think I look that young.  Oddly enough, I do get carded ALL THE TIME when I go out to drink.  People my age know I’m my age, older people put me at a lot younger, and younger people tend to put me quite a bit older…it’s funny.

Well, that all seemed to placate the two parents and they start to leave, the daughter hanging back for a second to let her parents walk off, to which she then tells me quickly as she’s leaving, “Don’t mind them, I’m 18.”

Now, honestly, I wasn’t hitting on their daughter, and I knew she was at least 18 years old, and if I was, it would have looked a lot different.  All I can say to the parents is that I can’t help it if your attractive daughters think I’m good looking.  Hell, it’s even worse for you when your 18+ year old daughters think I’m an attractive bastard.  Have kids that grow up to ugly adults if you don’t want them hitting on others because, believe me, if she was unattractive, I would have done all I could to not have any words with her.

With that, come on…if I was hitting on her, it would have been really obvious.  I don’t dick around.  It would have been directly in their face, not me talking to either of them.  I even had one of the employees there make a comment that if they didn’t want their daughter hit on, they should have ugly kids.  That actually made me laugh out loud.  The guy told me he was checking her out, too, and when I said “Man, I wasn’t even hitting on her.” he stated that was obvious to at least him.

So, no, when I’m out, I’m not hitting on you, your sister, your cousin, or even your mother.  You’d know it if I was.  Me acting disinterested is pretty genuine.  I have a pretty specific idea of women who I like to mess around with, and chances are, you aren’t it.  It’s not about taste.  Oh no, because you all taste the same.  Well…the clean ones.

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Posted 3/29/2010 at 1:15 AM on Xanga

No, I don’t feel like dating, thanks!

When will some people get it through their head I will get a girlfriend or start dating when ~I~ feel like it, if I ever do again? Oh, no! Sunrie hasn’t really been dating for quite some time! No, no, no! Sunrie hasn’t had a girlfriend in a while!

Who…cares…really? Well, granted, the ones asking when I’m going to find some “nice girl” or I’d “meet someone if” I “went out places more often.” Yes, because everyone wants to meet some tramp in a place like Coyote Ugly to take home to the family.

Most of the time my family doesn’t like the females I introduce to them anyway, so why are they some of the people bothering me about it? When I feel like I don’t care how much money I go out and spend while picking up women again, I will do it. It’s just not me to do that anymore anyway.

When I’m out and some chick wants to talk to me, then it’ll happen. I just don’t feel the desire to go out of my way to pick someone up and I probably still won’t in quite some time. If someone is really that interested in me, they’d strike up the conversation or call me.

I’m quite content riding my motorcycle when I want to, working on my comics when I want to, and if I have the time, playing up to 20 hours of video games a week. Yes, that’s a part time job at those hours, and it’s so damn worth it.

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Posted 8/11/2008 at 11:45 PM on Xanga