Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts in 2016

It was that magical time of year again, and that means it’s time to highlight some problems. On Christmas morning and maybe even on morning of presents for Hanukkah, someone is going to be unlucky enough to have gotten one of these gifts. Just like every year, W.A.T.C.H. is hell bent on ruining Christmas morning like a Muslim in a gay nightclub. While they do highlight some issues with toys, W.A.T.C.H. always misses the worst of the worst and instead focuses on toys targeted at boys and girls simply for being “gender specific”. Here are the actual Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts in 2016 which were given.


My Very Own Alibi1. My Very Own Alibi
This toy line is said to have been inspired by the film franchise known as Home Alone, in which a rich white child goes on a killing spree of his neighbors while getting off completely free in protest of being left alone while his family goes out shopping. Pictured is the “Roller Puncture Derby” a la carte version of the toy. Others include the mouse trap with tack and shotgun shell and hand grenade on a sstring, the second best seller. Were do we really begin with this?

First off, the knife isn’t sharp as it needs to be in order to put someone down quickly. Some people might find this as a feature, but we find it to be a minus point to an otherwise ingenious product. Secondly, the skate is very rusty, but the knife is not. We’d give it points for adding tetanus with a dull knife, but since the rust is on the skate and note the blade, this is another minus point. Lastly, there is no ramp with My Very Own Alibi, but the packaging (not shown) clearly shows it flying off a ramp.

Kids have a great imagination, and this is just lazy. The toy has nothing to put together and basically just does one thing: Roll slowly and barely stab someone. Children are going to end up just throwing the toy, which defeats the purpose of what it is trying to accomplish. Stay away and if you get this as a present, get a gift receipt.


Pogoff To Space2. Pogoff Stick: To Space
Claims from the manufacturer:

Feeling XtReMe?! Want to KiSs the SkY?! Well now you can! After three successful pumps to prime the engines, the rockets will kick in and put you close enough to kiss the pilots of MH370 as they fly by on their infinite voyage around the world in space!

Aside from the tasteless reference to the fated Malaysia Flight MH370, there’s also a slightly veiled reference for drugs. Jimmie Hendrix used the term “kiss the sky” for getting intoxicated with drugs.

Even though almost any kid, and many adults, would love to ride on a rocket propelled pogo stick, the fact is, pogo sticks are dangerous. Ever get hit in the chin while riding on one? How about landing at an angle and falling or bouncing into a bush/tree? Imagine that at 147 MPH/236.574 KPH? Yeah, that’s going to leave one bad bump on your head and a pretty bad headache. I think we can all do without this. We don’t want another “Heat Seeking Lawn Darts” fiasco during a picnic, now do we?


My First Lynching Rope3. My First Lynching Rope: The Game
My First Lynching Rope: The Game is a choking hazard in disguise as a harmless family game. If you think The Game of Life is destined to kill your little ones who eat the cars or peg-people, then you’re not worried enough. This game is enough to kill every member of the family, especially any adopted black ones.

The game revolves around getting enough people on your posse in order to lynch the person next to you. Everyone takes turns rolling dice and taking cards while moving around a board. Think of this like Mouse Trap, except you’re the mouse, the noose is the trap, and your neck is the end game. If you can’t play your card fast enough, or have a good enough one, it’s lights out.

What the manufacturer didn’t count on is most of your homes aren’t equipped to have this hang high enough, so you’ll end up either wrapping it around each others necks and pulling, or using something like a door you’ll hope is strong enough to hold up old fat Grannie Christine. There just isn’t enough through going into this game and it shows. Pass this up.


Jihad Jerry4. Jihad Jerry
I mean…wow… This is the follow up the the Ibraheem Toys’ 2014 break out gift My First Jihad. While not directly marketed as an infidel holiday gift, they sure like to time it that way. The packaging is grotesque and 100% real.

Packaging claims it’s “Everything you’ll need to end the Jewish and Christian infidels of their lives!” It contains a child’s Qu’Ran, prayer mat, 4lbs of active dynamite, mask and robe, remote detonation backup device, and a map to local Jewish temples.

The interior booklet claims:

As your children grow and learn, they’ll want to up the destructive force for the glory of Allah. Use this as a great follow up to your My First Jihad toy kit. Praise be to Allah! DEATH TO ALL INFIDELS!

Who are they kidding? The previous kit is almost a 100% death sentence to both your child and their entire day care, so there is no “…grow and learn…” involved. We are talking about Islam, after all. Also, much of the dynamite in the packaging is pretty old and very volatile, meaning there’s a good chance it’ll explode before you put it in a vest and go to school the following day to show off your toy. Pass.


Coke Head Charlene5. Friday Night: Coke Head Charlene
At least your kids are leaning a valuable lesson here: Cocaine is a party and designer drug. Unlike the Medicate Me: Molly! doll from 2014, this doll knows how to “Fuck It Up”, as the box says. This is almost a buy.

What makes this almost a buy? It comes with real cocaine! However, it only comes with 1 gram and a very small straw the doll can use. There are no refills available from the manufacturers, either. This means to get the fix the doll needs to continue being fun you’ll have to go into bad areas or convince the local pharmacist to give you some. You know, for your “nose injury”. Good luck with that. Cocaine is also very expensive, especially for twice cut Colombian. That shit is awesome.

If necessary, a supplemental toy for this one would be the Barbie Spy Squad Cat Burglar Doll which will help your precious angel break into houses and steal her friend’s stash!


Well, there you have another five toys W.A.T.C.H. didn’t care enough to warn you about. We warn you about them, because we care for you. Wrap you child in cling wrap all over their head and paint over it so they never see the horrors of the world. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!

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Little Known Legendary Creatures #1 – Buffalo Wing Fairy

Legend of the Buffalo Wing Fairy

There are more things under Heaven…I could look up how the rest of this goes since I’m already on the Internet, but I’m too lazy to do it. Besides, I’m not here to quote Stephen Hawking, I’m here to talk about some little known legendary creatures.

Almost everyone knows about the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, The Boogey Man, and the Chanukah kawala, but how many of you out there know of the others? I’m talking about creatures such as the Cheese Goblin, or even the Buffalo Wing Fairy. How sad it is we have already begun to forget about these amazing creatures.

So, what I’m going to do is tell you about them here! First up, we’re going to learn about the Buffalo Wing Fairy!


Origin
Little is known of the origins for the Buffalo Wing Fairy. It first appeared in literature around 1968 in Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World. The book has this to say about the entity:

Buffalo Wing Fairy is a great and mighty marques. He is common among the fraternities in the Eastern seaboard area of the United States. He commeth abroad in the form of a love child between Chuck Norris and Bob Ross with multi-colored wings reminiscent of marshmallow fruit candies. Unlike the hidden fist bearded Chuck Norris and the happy painting Bob Ross, however, the creature produces deliciously fried chicken wings lightly battered and tossed in a fiery sauce which is pleasing to the palette. He understandeth all things good and bad with a fraternaty pledge and member alike, while he ruleth six legions of divils.

Still, there are suggestions he may be much older than that. Reading older texts shows a similar creature mentioned, but producing other items for consumption going back to 200BC. The book Falsum Libro Daemones, the Even Lesser Key of Solomon the King, writes about this creature and has this to say:

The one hundreth seventy first spirit is Bhainsa viṅga parī. He is summoned by placing a container of fermented wheat beneath a head resting while sleeping. In the night, he shall approach. Should you have been truly good and deserving, he shall accept your offering and in return place a plate of crispy delicacies upon your chest for consumption upon your awakening. He appears as being bathed in light, his faced adorned by a mighty beard which may or may not hide something and his head is crowned by a ball of dark brown, maybe red, hair which is both entertaining and happy. Upon his chest is a massive blue B against his off white robe, which only comes down to his mid thighs. He is in control of six legions of demons.

Were the “crispy delicacies” buffalo wings? We can’t say for sure, but it does some what match what we know now of the creature.

Originally the Buffalo Wing Fairy seemed to be only reported in America, but it is now being recorded wherever buffalo wings are being made.


Powers
The Buffalo Wing Fairy has some strange powers. Not only does the Buffalo Wing Fairy have the ability to enter into any structure in order to collect beer as an offering, it can appear in multiple locations at once. No amount of research has explained if there are many Buffalo Wing Fairies or if this is one creature existing in multiple areas at once.

The buffalo wings produced are said to be the greatest in existence. Because no one has been able to resist the urge to eat all of the wings upon waking up, there has been no research in examining what makes them so delicious. Many restaurants have opened in an attempt to produce the amazing flavors, but none have been successful, though it is worth noting the flavors they have come up with are wonderful.

All attempts to contact the Buffalo Wing Fairy have resulted in failure. Since the creature is obviously telepathic by some means, it can detect the traps set up and will refuse to collect the beer as an offering, meaning no buffalo wings. Children are also unable to contact the Buffalo Wing Fairy unless they are of legal drinking age in the area of the world in which they reside.


Residence
Like Santa Clause living in The North Pole, the Buffalo Wing Fairy has its own area of dominion. While little is known about where it resides, we do have this excerpt from Mertvoye kniga iz Eksperta, author unknown:

Flying into the homes to collect beer, but not hard liquor such as vodka, this creature is known to few. According to one account of a conversation, the creature said it comes from a land of bubbling oil and crumbs of many special breads. Dripping from the species of an unknown plant, the secretions are added to the chicken, after it is cooked, for the most amazing, and heavenly, of flavors. All the chicken used is free range, antibiotic free, and no artificial hormones are added, nor are there any extra preservatives. One must be truly good and deserving to taste the succulent treats it offers.

Could the unknown substance placed on the chicken wings from the plants be what the Greeks called ambrosia? It sure seems likely!


Role in Modern Society
With the decrease of many beliefs this day in age, the role of the Buffalo Wing Fairy seems to be one of tragic forgetfulness. Since people now prefer to simply drink all their beers rather than offer them to the creature in exchange for the wings, coupled with the ability to easily get buffalo wings, the Buffalo Wing Fairy could disappear into obscurity.

Still to this day many fraternities actively pursue the Buffalo Wing Fairy in order to bring them the delicious wings, and the trend is once again beginning to catch on with those who are hungry for wings and don’t wish to attend the travesty known as Buffalo Wild Wings. There have even been whispers of some sororities, such as Kappa Kappa Kappa and Ti Sto Diáolo participating in these practices.


Practice vs. Christianity
Christianity has a strong anti-occult practice rule. However, this has not stopped Christians from either ignoring this rule, or making an attempt to bring the secular into their religion, which is against their religion’s rules. Many Christians celebrate Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, and even allow their children to believe in the Tooth Fairy and/or Santa Clause, all of which are a pagan ritual at the core, and therefore, a huge sin against their rules.

So, why stop there? Allowing one self to offer beer to a slightly overweight man with wings who happens to wear an outfit so tiny even Peter Pan would blush seems right in line. There are even those out there who claim since this isn’t an actual worship, there is “no harm, no foul”. Believe what you wish.


Summoning and Spiritual Rankings
Summoning of the Buffalo Wing Fairy seems to require a beer which is cold in either a can or, preferably, a long neck container and placed under your pillow. At some time during the night, if you had been truly good and deserving, the Buffalo Wing Fairy will place a plate of buffalo wings on your chest so you can eat them upon waking. If the summoning isn’t true or you do not meet the requirements, the Buffalo Wing Fairy will not come, you will not have hot wings, and your beer will be ruined.

Rank: Marquis
Sign: 10° – 19.59.59° Virgo (September 14 – 22)
Time of Day: After Midnight, but before Dawn
Planet: Uranus
Metal: Bone and Skin (not really a metal, but considered)
Command: 6 Legions
Tarot Card: 2 of Jestershttp://imgur.com/TyGWjtc

Christmas Songs: Analyzed and Insulted

Ah, Christmas time. I actually really love it. Even though I have more fun during Halloween…and I have yet to get a Christmas tree since I have just gotten home after being gone for a while…I do love Christmas. After all, like most people know, I’m not really a Jew, I’m just kind of Jew-ish.

The one thing which does annoy the hell out of me during this time of year, however, are some of the common Christmas songs we hear over and over and over again. There are some I like, such as Carol of the Bells with no vocals to ruin it, there are others which just annoy the ever living piss out of me. I’m not going to cover some of the ones already done by other popular authors, such as Maddox, so don’t expect to see “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” or “Rudolph: The Red Nose Reindeer”. I won’t even cover “The Grinch; Who Stole Christmas”.

Here are some of the Christmas carols I can’t stand and why. However, before I began, let me start off by saying the name of one of Santa’s reindeer is Dunder not Donner. It’s Dutch for Thunder, you fucking idiots. Lastly, it’s Blixem not Blitzen. His name means Lightening.


The Little Drummer Boy

You know what? Fuck that little drummer boy. He’s one of the reasons the night was anything but silent (I’ll get more on that later). Yeah, this is what every six hour old child wants: Some two year old little twat to show up and start smacking on a drum while they’re trying to sleep!

There’s a damn good reason why God sent Jesus and not me. See, if I was less than 24 hours hold and this asshole showed up banging on his drum while all I wanted to do was sleep after drinking me some breast milk, the world would be very different. I wouldn’t have gone to that cross. The Bible would be dramatically altered because of it. No one would have been saved.

That entire book written about Jesus would have been about three paragraphs long with me and that drummer boy involved. Basically, it would name the child so every future generation knew exactly who fucked it up for the entire world and no one would name their child anything close to it, then after about three sentences it would just be rambling.

Example:

It was then and there the savior was born. Sadness in our hearts, however, as two year old Amani Kivi Bahir came with his drum, pounding on it with all he could, which made the baby Sunrie realize there was nothing to save in this world. A world now forever stuck without the sacrifice of the lamb, we do live in, which meant the chill ass wise men who brought the gold, frankincense and mur never did get their pimped out party with the savior on his eighteenth birthday.

The next two sentences and two following paragraphs would be the scathing rant written by myself. I would not be kind, either. There would be nothing you could do about in religion, either, because the Bible is the word of God. You can’t censor that or you’d be in even bigger trouble than you’d already be in. Yeah. Let that sink in for a bit.


O’ Christmas Tree

Why are people singing to their trees? This is some major pagan bullshit, right here. I’m pretty sure God is pissed off any and every time you sing this. This may be one of those few things that’ll send you to hell!

Is this song to lull the tree into acceptance of it’s fate? You’ve chopped down a tree. You took the tree from its home, friends, and family. You’re making it die very slowly. The whole thing is a major dick move.

Really, the whole act is similar to beating a midget to an inch of its life, giving it an IV drip, dressing it up in a festive manner, and then watching him die an agonizing death. Come to think of it…I may have a new holiday tradition! No one will beat my “Elf on the Shelf”!


All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth

This song is beyond stupid. I don’t think the English language has a word foul enough to describe how annoying this song truly is. Not just the song, but the little girl who sings it, too! It’s so terrible I’m not even going to suggest you look it up when I normally would. Look, I know this is supposed to be a cute story during a time of innocence and simplicity, but I want to gut this kid like Jack the Ripper’s next victim!

The lyrics are annoying as all get out, too. At one point the little bitch actually complains that it’s been “…so long since I could say, ‘Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!'”. What…the…fuck? At what point should that ever come up in a conversation. Why the hell is “sister Susie” sitting on a god damn thistle?! Do I even want to know? I already know there was a time sex toys were near impossible to get, but come on! Even if that’s not the story here, why would it ever be appropriate to say this phrase?

For the love of it all…the whistling in the song takes top spot in the SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU GOD DAMN KID!!!!!! category. The whole thing is forced to make it sound like breath blowing through two missing front teeth. I’ve never known this to happen. Yes, some people have a whistle when they talk, but it’s usually less of a tooth issue and more of a how-the-tongue-is-being-held-in-the-mouth issue.

At the end of the song, bitch cakes tries saying “Wish you a Merry Christmas”, but keeps failing. Yeah, just like her parents failed at giving birth to a functional child who will ever hope to benefit society, she fails at saying a simple phrase. What does she do? Well, she screams, “A HAPPY NEW YEAR!” instead. Excuse me? How the fuck is that hard to say without missing any two front teeth? She obviously can do it no problem, and it’s completely out of line for the song itself.

I think for New Years she’s going to need all of her god damn teeth if she doesn’t keep her mouth shut around me.


Silent Night

Remember what I said about the night being anything but Silent? Yeah, this is it. The song talks about how it’s a silent night, but I know the truth, and now you will, too. You may want to take notes, but you can always use this as reference, so…whatever.

How the hell can there have been a silent night when we have, according to multiple other accounts through song, angels singing, a little boy banging his drum, Santa Clause shouting his catchphrase, reindeer rattling bells, a full on carol of bells, a woman screaming from child birth followed by a newborn screaming, three wise men chatting it up with the new parents, and a manger full of baying animals?! That night, much like the slow pending divorce of your parents, was anything but silent.

Honestly, how could anyone confuse the first Christmas, which wasn’t even on December 25th, with having a silent night? Sorry, but Franz Xaver Gruber was a total dipshit. A real song about that night would be screaming death metal along the lines of Schatten Aus Der Alexander Welt. What? The song is by a band called Bethlehem. Seems appropriate given the topic. Screw you.


I could go on a few more, but I’m sure you get the point. If you don’t, well, whatever, like I care.

Merry Christmas. Don’t let the Muslims blow you up.

Most Dangerous and Dumb Christmas Gifts 2014

Every year the Boston Group releases their Top Ten Most Dangerous Toys. While the Boston Group is hell bent on ruining people’s childhood like a drunk step-father who is noticing his new 12 year old step-daughter entering puberty, this year their toy list isn’t as complete as it could be. For some reason, while the Boston Group has listed fun and harmless items, they intentionally and negligently ignored the toys I’m listing here.


1. Slashy Ruxpin
According to the manufacturer, Slashy Ruxpin is the failed adventuring Teddy Ruxpin after children stopped caring. Each story starts off with him either finding a dead body in his car, drinking in a bar, finishing sex with a hooker, or waking up after a weekend of drug use.

This new toy is being marketed as the “next great story telling plush animal and a unique interactive experience”. What make Slashy Ruxpin so interactive? Well, apparently as he tells the story, you must fuel him with alcohol or else he gets violent and starts to swing his knife. The truth is, he will get violent and swing with his knife randomly during each story session anyway.

Personally, no matter how much I’m told this toy is safe by the manufacturer, I’m not going to believe it. Sure, it says you are safe to insert the knife tip into your bare anus seventeen times for that alone, but is it really true? I seriously doubt it. Also, lighting him on fire when he screams for you to end his life is supposed to make him run around the house in a frenzy. How is that okay?!


2. HammerTime Harry
Coming from the box: “HammerTime Harry is the coolest, most depressed guy you know! When he’s not dancing to beatbox hits, he’s fanning the hammer on his favorite pistol in minority neighborhoods.” Included in the packaging is the “action figure” itself, two outfits (one for dancing and the other for mandatory court appearances) and a live fire gun, which shoots real bullets.

Where do I even start with this? First off, it’s teaching kids its okay to just saunter into minority neighborhoods. That right there is a dangerous lesson. Just like minorities should stay out of the well-to-do neighborhoods, the rest of us should stay out of their HUD controlled crack dens. Secondly, I’m pretty sure that’s designed to look like a striker fired gun, so there is no hammer to speak of. Kids already don’t know enough about guns, so leave it to the professionals to teach them, not some plastic doll. Thirdly, the gun shoots .22lr rounds, which are still pretty hard to find. Think finding a D-cell battery is difficult? Try finding .22lr in vast quantities.

Does a person with depression really warrant an “action figure”? You’d think more people would be up in arms over this kind of thing, but I guess not. This is why I do these consumer reports, because unlike the media, I actually care about you all.


3. Un-Nerf Flamethrower
If there was ever a toy I used to want, it would be this. However, now that I am older, I see this thing for what it is: A lawsuit waiting to happen.

Don’t be confused with the name of this toy! This isn’t made by Nerf. Nope. The title is to trick you into believing you’re getting something safe and secure. The Boston Group listed a toy bow which shoots a plastic arrow, but they ignored this? What the hell is wrong with them? I, for one, don’t need a bunch of kids running around the neighborhood burninating everything they come across. I shutter to think of the “flame tag” games which will undoubtedly turn entire metropolitan areas into ash!


4. My First Suicide Kit
This “toy” says it contains everything you’ll need to remove yourself from this mortal coil. Now, I don’t know about you, but should kids really be using this kind of product? Sure it contains cyanide tablets, a sharp knife, a noose, and even a .38Spl loaded with low pressure rounds plus a light weight trigger, but suicide is serious business. It’s not a game. A game means there is room for failure, and when you’re going for suicide you have to get it right the first time. You don’t want to fail at something like suicide!

Even more than the seriousness of this “toy” in the hands of your child, think how dangerous this would be for your child will discover it at a friend’s house. Do you really want them going into this kind of thing unprepared? They may think it’s a game! What happens if their friend decides to test it out on your precious little baby? Yeah, the Boston Group messed up big time when they over looked this literal death trap. This is a bigger oversight on their part since they forgot to include the Official Baby Death Trap!!!!


5. Medicate Me! Molly
Medicate Me! Molly is here to teach your darling daughter how to and the importance of self medicating. Don’t confuse this with Puking Pauline (learn about that one, here) as this toy is actually dangerous for your child.

Just about every popular upper and downer medication since the 1950’s makes its presence here: Valium, imipramine, venalfaxine, ketamine, K2/spice, adderall and oxycodone are all there. Similar to real life, the pills themselves aren’t marked as to what they are, but that’s not what the dangerous and dumb part of this toy is, oh no. You see, when Medicate Me! Molly vomits, one of those pills expels from her mouth for your child to eat. The only way to know which pill came out is to eat it. The manufacturer exclaims there are a total of 24 “colored treats” for your daughter to “enjoy”.

Self medicating is a real issue in this country, as well as many others, so to find a toy company trying to cash in on the trend is disgusting. Okay, yeah, sure, the fact an unlicensed toy company is providing prescription only level narcotics to children is an issue, too. Making each pill a colorful treat is unprofessional. Kids could confuse candy such as Skittles with a quick narcotic bump, only to be disappointed and become more violent. A kid who needs their high is a kid you need to avoid, especially if they have one of those HammerTime Harry toys!


Well, there you have five toys the Boston Group didn’t include. I have no idea why. Maybe they just don’t care as much as they say they do. I think they just want kids to grow up wrapped up in bubble wrap and go after the toy companies who have the deepest wallets. Fuck off guys, seriously.

Blackest of Black Fridays

The horror...the horror...

Dear Diary,
For all the years I have lived, tonight was the first time I ever worked the darkest day of the year. It has become the worse of my nightmares come true this day. I have witnessed horrors no one should be allowed to bear witness to. I have watched as friends were swallowed whole and their flesh torn asunder before my very eyes! They requests from the unending crowds in the most unappreciative ways shall forever ring into my ears as I attempt to close my eyes from the echoes of their ghosts…

I fear only upon death shall I find relief from these terrors…so I write now, recounting the experience in my vain attempt to lessen these pains rather than continue to rock in a corner whispering how I am just a boy…I am…just…a boy…

It all started out well and good enough. A day of thanks spent with my wonderful family, eating good food, and rejoicing in the coming season was once again the norm. I ate and drank, sang happy songs with everyone and relaxed in their company. The aroma of freshly made pies filled the air and the hot turkey assaulted my senses, making me smile. Each family member conversed with the next, congratulating each other on accomplishments or lightly teased about failures.

Even still, my heart and mind was heavy. While the rest of the family sat around shifting through magazines in order to find the best deals for the next day, I knew I would be on the other side of the battle than they. I would be the one in the store, ever vigilant of those around me, desperately trying to stay safe. They would be rummaging through the hoards trying to find what was left at good prices. When they would be waiting in line, I would already be donning my battle uniform and preparing myself for the coming rush. In just a few hours, the sleep induced by the turkey’s tryptophan would be rudely interrupted by the screaming of an alarm clock in my ear.
 
 
Still…I slept and had a dream of a time of warm sun, smiling faces, and peace for all those around me. As I kneeled down to hug a dog I lost years ago, a high pitch howling caused me to leap violently from my warm bed and my eyes scanned about the room, my brain completely confused as to where I was. Slowly, the fog cleared and the howling turned into a loud buzzing coming from my night stand. With trembling hands, I turned my alarm off and sighed deeply, both in annoyance and worry, over what I was now expected to do. In the soft glow given by my alarm clock, the three o’clock burning holes into my night vision, I slowly prepared for battle. My name tag was straight, my shirt and pants freshly pressed, and my face cleanly shaven as it would be easier to clean the blood when it is not blocked by facial hair.

Stepping to my vehicle, I took one last look back at the security of my home. I practiced a few smiles to the reflection in my window, watching the roll of my breath as I exhaled, and chuckled to myself. Taking a deep breath, I entered my car and turned the engine over, noticing how even it sounded both tired and afraid. As the engine warmed up, I fiddled with the radio, settling on a soft, calming station to keep my nerves under control. There would be enough to fear later…right now, I had to set the precedent of being strong and brave lest I fall into the pitfall of sorrow before the time was right. It was now time…and so I left my driveway and headed into work.
 
 
My approach was mostly uneventful as I encountered little in the way of other vehicles. Perhaps the pitiful economy we have all been told was going to have an effect this year and things would be much calmer? I easily found a parking space and quickly entered into the employee entrance. The warmth of the store was immediately welcoming and everyone greeted each other with hugs and handshakes. After all, no one knew if we would see each other again at the end of the day. No one could ever know…and yet we accepted it so well…we have always been fools, though.

The management directed all of us into our positions to weather the coming storm. One of my best friends at work, Ricky, was to be stationed near the front of the store to help anyone in that area, while I was put on the register. While protected from many of the problems of being on the floor, the register battlement held its own perils. I worried immensely for Ricky’s safety, as he would be near the entrance and would be completely exposed to the unrelenting terror of the hoard. As we were dismissed, with less than an hour and a half before the doors opened, I am not ashamed to say I hugged my friends tighter than I have ever hugged another man. After all, after this night, it is what we would become: Men.
 
 
Domokun smash!Standing at my post I heard it. A small thud followed by a soft rumbling beneath my feet. Initially I believed it to be my imagination, but it happened again, this time with more emphasis and the rumbling lasted longer. Looking over at my co-worker manning the register beside me, her eyes were glazed over and she just stared straight ahead with no emotion. She was one of the most seasoned of us all, having worked four previous years during Black Friday.

“Sarah…” I asked, just above a whisper. She did not respond…she didn’t even blink. I felt the ground move and the thud even louder. “Sarah..!” I managed to bark out to her. Like being attached to a swivel, her head creepily turned towards me, no soul visible in her eyes. “Sarah…what is that?” I questioned as the rumbling reached a fever pitch with no pausing. “They’re here…” Sara spoke to me with dry lips, “They shall soon be upon us.” As a chill ran down my neck, causing me to shiver, I simultaneously felt ice fill my veins.

Upon my shoulder death stretched its bony fingers and gripped me tightly. Death’s breath blew past my ear in a frozen breeze. Suddenly I was shaken and I turned, fully expecting to see the empty sockets of a hooded skeleton staring back at me. I sighed with relief when it was my manager staring back at me. “Just breath, kid. It’ll be alright,” he stated, slapping my shoulder, “This your first time?” I could only nod as I felt the rumbling stop, but heard a crashing on the entrance. “I..I’m scared, sir…” I spoke softly, feeling my throat tense. “We’re all scared son. Just do your job and you’ll be fine,” he told me as he walked toward the door with keys in hand. “He will be lucky to make it, you know,” Sara stated matter-of-fact. When I looked at her, she once again wasn’t even staring at me. She just kept her eyes toward the front of the store.

“Okay, everyone! It’s time!” My manager call out as I heard his keys enter the door.
 
 
I cannot even tell you honestly I remember when everyone piled in. I heard screaming…a screaming of sheer terror and pain as my manager disappeared into the wave of ferocious shoppers. One moment he was there and then…he was just gone. As the shoppers rushed past me in a blur I have only seen in action movies, time seemed to stand still. Slowly I looked over at Sara who was now grinning…but it was as though she were possessed by a demon. Her eyes burned with fire, her teeth fully visible, and the wind whipped her hair about her face. Something cold and damp hit my face in droplets. Touching my cheek, I wiped it off and then peered at my fingers. Blood? Time suddenly caught up with itself and as the shoppers cleared away from my location, the long trail of red on the floor let me know all I needed…my manager was dead and we were down a leader.

The hours passed and it was finally my time to have a morning meal. Gratefully relinquishing my post, I pushed past the crowd and entered into the employee break room. My coworkers were all huddled together for protection, a small electronic candle sat in the middle of the break room table for light. I heard not a sound besides a few heavy breaths. Reaching for the light switch, my hand was grasped tightly. I looked down to see Michael, terror stricken with tears in his eyes, shaking his head. Pressing a finger to his lips, he begged me to be quiet. When I sat down, a note was passed to me. Still, not a word was spoken and the only light available to me to read the note was the electronic candle, and my eyes were still not used to the darkness. “Silence…they are attracted to our sound!” the note read. I continued to read the next line, “They made their way in when they heard us laughing…they can see light under the door. DARKNESS AND SILENCE!” I felt the eyes of everyone upon me, so I looked up. Their eyes pleaded with me to understand, so I simply nodded my replay and began to eat my left overs. I ate them cold, in fear of letting our position be known.
 
 
When it was my turn, I carefully, and quietly, exited out of the employee break room and attempted to make it back to the register. My headset fired up and I heard my name called. “What’s up?” I asked. “We need you on the floor. You’re off the register. Go to electronics for the last half of your shift,” the replacement manager told me. It was a death sentence. I couldn’t even argue…I couldn’t even think! Like a zombie, I made my way into the electronics section and swallowed hard, ready for the deep level of Hell I was about to endure.

“You there!” a man screamed at me as he charged my area. “Y…yes?!” I asked, already starting to shake. “Ye…eyee..yeees!?” he teased me, stomping his foot, “I want a Playstation 4! I can’t find any!” Looking around for help, one of my new battle buddies simply shook his head and gave me thumbs down. I turned to face the behemoth as he leered down at me. “I’m sorry, sir, it doesn’t appear we have anymore…” I informed him. “Bullshit!” his voice rang out above the crowd, making my ears hurt, “Get one from the back!” What could I say? What could I do? There was no “in back” when it came to game systems especially. This was not going to be a battle I would survive. “I’m sorry, there are none in the ‘back’. We had a limited supply and ran out hours ago,” I told him as calmly as my shaken core would muster. “Listen, kid, I don’t care if you have to pull one out of your ass! Get me one!” he screamed and grabbed me by the shirt. As I shrieked in terror, just knowing my soul was going to be sucked out of my belly button, I flailed my arms, praying to God for help.

If ever there was a question in my mind to God’s existence, there no longer is. As my prayer ended, a flash of blue and the sound of bodies hitting the ground happened before me. The ogre who had been grabbing me was trapped, kicking and screaming, beneath two police officers as they tasered and handcuffed him. The officers stood the man out and gave me a thumbs up as they drug him from the store. I was covered in sweat completely, and my legs barely managed to keep me up. “How can this get any worse?” I thought to myself. I should have known better to ask, because as payment for the rescue of my very being, God was now going to collect the fee. Looking up into the crowd, I watched as my best work friend, Ricky, was swallowed by the crowd near the front of the store. He would not receive the saving I would. The tearing of cloth, the screams of pain, followed by the gurgling of his breath rang out above the noises of all else. A bright red arterial spray shot up into the air and spattered against the ceiling, only to fall as a red mist upon the group tearing him apart. As they parted, his bloody skeleton remain on the ground, twitching slightly.

Code Brown - Level 7“Get to the restroom!” my head set shouted. After a few moments of silence, I keyed up and asked, “Me?” “Yes, you! We have a Code Brown Level Seven in the men’s restroom!” the voice squealed in panic. While death would be a welcoming embrace, a Code Brown was the last level of Hell…and a Level Seven signaled the need for a full head to toe suit… I began to vomit at the mere thought of it. I rushed to the storage room and suited up…unaware at the true nature of what I was about to see.

I entered into the restroom, countless people waiting outside, and began to instantly weep. Someone didn’t even try…they simply put their asshole right against the wall and let go. I cannot say what the person possibly could heave eaten during Thanksgiving to give them this kind of super power…but I knew they at least had corn. I could see the warping of the air from the smell itself and was instantly grateful for the filter I was breathing through.

For the last two hours of my shift I cleaned that mess. Had I not looked up, I never would have seen the strings of shit dangling from the ceiling…and would have been done sooner. I know now, the true horror of humanity in its most secret and intimate of locations.
 
 
Now at home writing, hoping to end this hell I see before me, I know it will not help. All that can save me now is the silent slumber of death… After all…I am…just…a…boy…

Sunrie’s ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (AKA Crappy Night Before Christmas)

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house
Everyone was bitching,
Especially my spouse…With my sis in the whore house
And my bro smoking grass
I had just settled in
For a sweet piece of ass.

Then out on the lawn,
I heard such a clatter
That I jumped up from my whore,
To see what the fuck was the matter.

Away to the windows
I made that made dash!
But slipped on some precum,
And I busted my ass…

Then what to my stoned eyes did appear?
It was a rusted out sleigh,
And eight fucking reindeer!

There was a dirty old man,
He was beating his dick,
And I knew without doubt
Hey, it must be Saint Nick!

He bounced off a roof top
And over the house wall
Screaming, “Onward you fuckers or it’s off with your balls!

Then he came down the chimney,
Like a bat out of Hell…
I knew in that moment,
The fat fucker…he fell.

He said not a word,
Gave his cock a quick jerk,
Winked right at me,
And then got straight to work.

He filled up our stockings
With whiskey and beer!
Oh, and a big rubber cock,
For my brother…that queer.

That’s when he rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart…
That son of a bitch…
He blew my chimney apart!

He swore and cussed
As he swerved out of sight
Yelling, “Fuck all you bastards…
I’ve had a Hell of a night!”

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This appeared on my old Geocities website (musashinobouken) as early as 1996 and has since be circulated around the Internet in incomplete forms.

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Posted 12/25/2010 at 2:23 AM on Xanga

Just Say Merry Christmas: It’s the only one left!

You've all been naughty!Seriously now.  It’s three days until Christmas Day, people.  It’s the only holiday left in this year.  Stop with this “politically correct” bullshit and say “Merry Christmas”, not “Happy Holidays” to people or don’t say a god damn thing at all.

You’re not in politics and talking to me isn’t a political situation.  Even if you were, you shouldn’t be afraid to state your personal beliefs! There is absolutely no reason why you need to tell me to have happy holidays after Thanksgiving.  I’m only going to be celebrating one other holiday after Thanksgiving.  It’s not like I’m going to be celebrating Hanukkah and then Christmas.  I’m also obviously not going to be celebrating the made up Kwanzaa.

Where you people are screwing up massively in this “Have a happy holiday!” bullshit is assuming that I’m even going to be celebrating Christmas.  By wishing me a “Happy Holiday”, meaning the upcoming Christmas, you’re assuming that’s what I’m going to be celebrating.  For all you know, I celebrated Hanukkah.  Not all Jewish sects wear yarmulke all the time, morons.  By wishing me a happy holiday, you’d still be offending me.  You may as well just say merry Christmas, or rather happy Christmas, at that point because you’re implying the same exact thing.

(I know this is a little slow on the start, but give me a few paragraphs.  It’s been some time since I last wrote)

What’s so scary about Christmas?  Oh, that’s right, most of you people are afraid of Christianity.  After all, Christianity, or rather the belief in the Bible as the word of God and a one true God, gives a road map of morals and ethics.  For shame that anyone ever tell you what to do or how to live.  After all, you’re a grown ass adult and not a child, right?  For those out there that are Christians (hell, you Catholics, too) who are not saying it at this point are afraid of being attacked or berated by people who are not Christians for expressing a “Christian belief”.  You sicken me and I’m sure Jesus isn’t too happy about it either.  Bet you’re tolerant of baby bombing Muslims, though.

See you TO HellIf Christmas is so terrible, then why are the malls closed on Christmas?  If Christmas is such a scary time, then why do people get paid for it with “holiday pay” even when they don’t work?  If Christmas is such a dirty word, then why do we see Christmas lights put up all over town, even by H.O.A.’s?  What’s so offensive about a baby Jew in a manager next to a horse, anyway?  Most other religious holidays don’t involve doing any of that.  Let’s not forget that Christmas isn’t really a Christian holiday as much as it is an American tradition.  Yes, you heard me, you rat bastards.  It’s not a Christian holiday here in America, it’s an American holiday.  Most of what we identify as Christmas decorations have nothing to do with Christianity.  I don’t remember reading that the magi hung up decorations, sang carols, and set up a pine tree in the fucking manger.  Don’t bother going to read the Bible to check.  Trust me, it’s not in there.

If you look at the history of Christmas, especially Christmas in America, you’ll see that most of what we do here in America is something that we Americans have made up.  I’m not saying that Christmas was always like that.  I know it wasn’t.  I’m talking about now.

Then there’s also the issue that even most of you anti-religion, anti-god, hate-the-Christians-but-hug-a-person-who-puts-bombs-on-a-baby-Muslim sickos still celebrate Christmas.  You still set up decorations, you still go out and buy a crap ton of presents for people, and still open those gifts up on December 25th.  Yeah, you people are the worst.  You people are the ones who want to relentlessly beat tolerance into everyone’s head, but the minute you don’t like something, you get to bitch and complain, go to court, and sue because a god damn pine tree has a star on it.  Fuck you five times with a moblin’s three dick crotch.  Don’t get the reference?  Too bad, ignorant bastard.  You probably think the Nazis were a right wing group, too.

Get down with Disco SantaLook, I love Christmas.  I even love Easter, though I don’t celebrate it.  That’s right, I celebrate Pass Over, but don’t try and side track me here.  Christmas time is the shit!  The only thing I like more than Christmas time is Halloween.  Ironic?  Only if you’re an uneducated bastard…like most of you getting offended at this entry and supporting the “What’s wrong with Happy Holidays???” crowd.  Carol of the Bells is probably one of the best Christmas songs out there, and when it’s done in a Victorian Gothic style choir, that’s even better.  Hell, I even blast the Trans Siberian Orchestra version of it when I get the time.

Don’t even get me started on the Charley Brown Christmas Special.  Awesome.  Almost as bad ass as the Muppets Christmas Carol.  Gonzo and Rizzo as narrators with Michael Cain as Scrooge?  EPIC!  The old Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer stop motion special and Frosty the Snowman cartoon?  That’s just classic.  Chopping down a tree, decorating it, and letting it slowly rot in your living room?  Well, that’s just the most manly thing you can do to a tree.  It’s like, “Hey, tree, I just killed you, dressed you up, and I’m going to watch you rot far away from home.  So, fuck you.”

Yes, I can hear some of you morons now, “Sunrie!  There’s still New Years!”  Guess what?  New Years isn’t an actual holiday and it’s the start of a new year.  Don’t you get that?  It’s the damn name of the celebration for crying out loud!  So, get off that, because if you bring it up I will make fun of you so damn much that you’ll go crying to WordPress or even the government about how mean I am.  No, you know what?  Let me just draft that up for you right now:


Dear WordPress Administration/Government,
This is about a user named Sunrie.  He expresses an opinion which greatly differs from mine and that offends me.  Like, greatly offends me.  It offends me so bad that I cried harder than an African woman who just watched her entire family get carpet bombed in a tribe war.

Can you please delete his account/arrest him?  I believe that we should all have the right to say and feel the way that I think is the right way, and if you don’t then you should be removed.  Thank you, I greatly appreciate it.

Sincerely,
(Put your Username)

P.S. If you don’t do this, then I will write an entry about how you guys don’t care about anyone.
Thanks!


Well, with all that said and done, I’m out of here.  I know I haven’t written in a while, but that’s because I’ve been moving, working on animation projects, and having great sex with my 18 year old girlfriend.  Yeah, that’s right.  You keep hating more because I’m 30 and banging a pretty 18 year old. Merry Christmas!  As a gift, here’s a pallet cleanser:


Foamy courtesy of Ill Will Press

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Posted 12/23/2010 at 1:32 PM on Xanga