Character Diary #2 (GTA Online)

Holy warriors doing the Lord's work!
I have found religion. Well, I found it for about six days and then got bored. Still, I believe I now understand what it is that I am: A chosen one by god. How else can you explain my inability to die? I learned I am a holy warrior thanks to my friend Wyldfyre. Turns out…he’s also a chosen one.

So, pretty much, how this all came about was my buddy Wyldfyre calls me and says he wants me to help him “cleanse the unholy” as a “Jesus warrior”. I figure, “Yeah, fuck it, why not?”, because, honestly, why not?

Now, ideally, if you’re going to be a super hero, even one for Christ, you have absolutely need to be dressed correctly. The first place I meet up with Wyldfyre is the clothing shop. “Make sure you look good!” he tells me. We select the best suits we can find, kill the shop owner because they were greedy, and then head over to the barbershop. When we get there, we find another lost lamb. After allowing him to give us our super hero make-up, we try to explain why his life style choice is an affront to the Holy One. Sadly, he didn’t want to listen, so we had to baptize him with our holy rocket launcher. God’s grace kept shining on us! The evil force controlled by the devil was not hunting us at this time, so we were encouraged to continue our divine mission.

Driving down the night streets we looked for other lost souls who we were to save. What luck! Wyldfyre noticed a woman selling her body for money! Wyldfyre did his best to get her to understand her life choice was unclean and how Jesus did not approve. Realizing she wasn’t listening, I had to intervene. See, I can be very persuasive and I knew my diplomatic ways would reach her. Well, they would if she could be saved. The prostitute would hear nothing of the saving grace of Jesus. I knew what I had to do…I removed my blessed blade of righteousness and gut her like a fish. If she wished to be a hand of the devil, he could have her for a face-to-face talk!

Unfortunately, after taking down the dirty whore, I saw I was missing not only my baseball bat, but my crowbar, my axe, and my golf club. Where did they go? I have no idea, but I knew we had to get at least my golf club back. Okay, so we didn’t think about how it was around midnight when we got to the golf course. The positive side to this, however, is we found a lot of midnight golfers… HEATHENS! We made sure to cleanse the filth with molotov cocktails, which Wyldfyre assured me had been blessed by a priest, which made them holy or something.

The devil was now on to us! We heard the screaming of his demons in the distance. Obviously the cops were working as minions of Satan, because if they were under the influence of God, they wouldn’t be attacking us for doing Jesus’ work. If you’re wondering, no, I never did get a new golf club, but that’s fine. We had to get away from these demons. Luckily, Wyldfyre is a great driver, especially in my Zentorno. The cops were rushing us like mad men possessed by the devil…which we knew they were.

With the speed of God’s hand pushing us down the street, we did our best to keep the cops from getting us. I took to shooting out their tires and killing the most foul of them to great effect. The good ones were spared, however, by the grace of God! Nearing the airport, I told Wyldfyre to make his way to the runway so we could get in some planes and fly away like the angels we were. Unfortunately for the demons, they would not give up and sent helicopters our way. Leaning out of the window, I tossed C4 up to them and exploded the charge next to one of the choppers. SUCCESS! The explosion caused one to burst into fire, all demons on board falling to the ground. Before the helicopter blew up, it swerved into a second one and took it out for me. Two helicopters with one C4? Thank you, Jesus!

When we finally made it onto the runway, I could see the airplanes up ahead of us. I instructed Wyldfyre where to go, all the while killing the demon pigs chasing us. Like a mother fucking boss, I stepped out of the car as he pulled a hard turn and immediately began to keep him safe so he could get the airplane started. Seeing my chance, I ran into the passenger seat and Wyldfyre began to take off. “We’re getting out of here, Brother!” Wyldfyre told me. I was looking back, flipping off the cops on the ground, as I said, “Yes! Look to the sk…” As I brought my gaze back forward, a helicopter dropped from the sky and performed a text book kamikaze attack right into our airplane!

After a brief five seconds of darkness, the Good Lord placed us back on Earth in order to continue to do his bidding. Both Wyldfyre and I laughed for about three hours straight over how crazy that cop was. Damn, the devil sure wanted us! Finding a few fat people and killing them for the crime of gluttony and also a few people smoking, we took a car the Holy Spirit wished us to have. Where did we go? Where else? The Rainbow Unicorn, of course!

I didn’t beat around the bush on this one. Before entering, I stabbed the doorman with a broken bottle I found on the ground. Some how everyone inside knew what was coming and they began to charge out of the door, knocking me to the ground. Being the ever ready God Warrior he is, Wyldfyre made sure there was no one surviving this. I managed to put a shotgun into the back of two strippers’ heads and I felt proud. Even with the good work we put in, we were not finished here. I poured gasoline from the entrance into the main room, where I found one patron still cowering. Yes…yes I covered him in gasoline and shot the trail, setting the entire place ablaze, as well as cleansing him in the holy fire. Not surprisingly, the devil was really pissed off and sent his demons after us. Using the enlightenment from the Almighty, Wyldfyre found a way backstage, where we hid. Knowing we were protected, the Great Deceiver gave up after about a minute or so. We walked out knowing we had done God’s work.

After that we decided to run over those who needed to die and made the train smash some cars while we were in them. All in all, a productive time.


Why “You’re Next” couldn’t happen to my family (s)

There’s always one thing with horror movies I always keep asking myself: “Why doesn’t at least one of them have a gun???” I’m not talking about the killers, I’m talking about the victims. For me, it’s a complete oddity at least one person in a group doesn’t have a gun either with them or quick access. It just doesn’t make sense. Someone aught to have a gun. Then I remember the movies were made by liberal idiots who think people don’t have a right to effective self defense. I mean, every character does what the anti-gun people say to do, and they all die at the hands of a guy with a fucking axe or crossbow. Yeah…fuck you morons. Moving on.

So I was flipping through the craptastic list Netflix currently has and I noticed “You’re Next”. I didn’t know anything about this movie going in except what I read on the synopsis…and we all know how useful and accurate Netflix makes those… I like a good horror movie, but this isn’t one of them. I’m not going to give a huge review here, don’t worry.

Basically, a family is having a get together, three guys start killing them, and they all die. During the entire thing, not one person has a gun. Oh, sure, they use meat tenderizers (I’m not kidding you) and a few kitchen knives to defend themselves, but everyone except for some chick who grew up in a “survivalist camp” (Why didn’t she have a gun???) dies.

I can’t speak for most families, but mine actually likes each other. Well, minus my wife’s side of the family who all but threw her out for marrying me and they don’t talk to us nor anyone in my family (No in-laws FTW!!!!). Even with my parents divorced and remarried, both sides of the family regularly get together and have fun. While you may think that’s odd, I find it odd other families get together just to fight during the holidays, resulting in more hatred toward each other.

Another thing about my family is just about everyone is armed. I’m armed, my uncles are armed, many of my aunts are armed, my cousins are armed, my wife is armed, my father is armed… The nieces and nephews are too young to carry themselves, that’s why they aren’t. There’s no way you could pull off the bullshit I saw in this, and many other, movie with us. One wrong move against us and the result Swiss human cheese. Here’s just a small example of what my family get togethers would look like if someone came in while we were dining together:

This is not an exaggeration, either. Now that many of us are in Colorado, even some of my British relatives will open carry when they get here. Hell, I even got married while my wife and I were wearing our guns. Her gun is up on her leg. Sexy, sexy. So even at our wedding, if someone decided to be a tard, they would have ended up having a very terrible day. Wouldn’t you want that for someone trying to hurt you and/or your family? For them to have the understated bad day of their life?

We aren’t gun nuts or even gun enthusiasts. If the amount of firearms I have makes me a gun nut, then you’re a towel nut and are obsessed with towels. I can promise anyone reading this has more towels in their house than I do firearms in mine. We enjoy shooting, we enjoy hunting, and we like the equalizing power it provides to everyone who wouldn’t be able to defend themselves otherwise. Sure it may be a tool, but it’s a bad ass and fun tool. If I’m a gun enthusiast, then you’re a couch enthusiast. You probably know more about your couch than I do about different guns between brands.

So, no, “You’re Next” couldn’t happen to me and my family. The first sign of some dumbass coming through a window would have resulted in them turning into ground hamburger. Or ground turkey for you low fat people. The movie isn’t bad, it’s just not the realistic horrorfest they billed it to be.

Character Diary #1 (GTA Online)

Character Diary #1
Sunrie

My name is Sunrie. That’s all you need to fucking know, you god damn mooks. That’s the name my associates know me as. That’s the name my “employers” know me as. That’s the name the cops call me.

I’m doing this diary thing on advisement from my friend, Wyldfyre. Yeah, just Wyldfyre, deal with it. We’re all in agreement of no real names. It’d be stupid to do that. So, even for this diary, I’m using Sunrie, just in case someone ever finds and reads it.

Los Santos is a really fucked up place, let me tell you. I’m finding lucrative employment, though, so it’s working out. Still, the down swing in the economy means even my employers aren’t paying as much as they used to for a quick job well done. So, I just sit around milking it. The longer I take, the harder they think I worked, so…whatever.

Sorry, I’m new to this diary thing, so I may be rambling on a bit. Fucking sue me, diary, I dare you! Well…anyway…

I guess for my diary entry, I should recap how I met my two friends. Kind of to give you a taste of what my life has become since moving here. Oh, boy has it become something interesting. Not always good, but interesting.

When I first moved here to Los Santos, I didn’t have any real friends. That is, until I met Wyldfyre. I had been here for two months before this strange fucker entered the picture. Now he’s my bestfriend and I’d take a bullet for him. Actually, I have on a few occasions, thanks to him catching the attention of the cops. He’s even responsible for me getting my first hooker. Granted, I killed the bitch and took the money he paid her for servicing me, but whatever.

Then there’s Maximus. Again, just Maximus, so deal with it. If Wyldfyre is strange, Maximus is fucking insane. I don’t just mean crazy, I mean fucking insane. He’s a wildcard, period. Tell him to do something, and he may just ignore it and turn everything to shit on purpose.

For instance, Wyldfyre and I were showing Maximus around town since he had just arrived. Maximus was strapped for cash and the best way to get it is to steal it. Since the armored cars around the area were running dry, we decided to hit up a little road side store off the highway. Normally we go in, scare the clerk out of all his money, and then run away in a chopper we stole. Yeah, it is kind of strange no one thinks anything of three guys in a helicopter landing outside of a liquor store wearing masks, but…whatever…as I said, this place is fucked up. So I tell Maximus our plan: Go in, scream at the clerk while waving guns, then escape for fun and profit. He assures me he understands. Hell, even Wyldfyre believed him. We didn’t want any bloodshed, because the cops in Los Santos are fucking vicious assholes. The punishment for bumping into someone? Shot to death. The punishment for clipping their car? Shot to death. Every crime in this state is a god damn death sentence! The last thing we wanted was to have a bunch of cops chasing us in the helicopters. With everyone saying they were ready, I walked in totally casual. I asked the clerk how his day was going and then sprung my attack! The clerk put his hands in the air, telling me he was doing it as fast as he could, but I knew he was lying! Wyldfyre started screaming to do it faster when we heard a loud gun shot come from behind us. The clerk slammed against the wall in a bloody mess while Maximus just laughed. God damn that psycho! We didn’t even have the money yet, so I had to jump behind the counter and empty the register. The entire time I was doing this, Wyldfyre started laughing at whatever Maximus was saying, but I was too pissed off to listen. I screamed for everyone to get to the chopper as the cops were closing in. Jumping into the pilot seat, I started the engine and began the take off procedures when I heard Wyldfyre ask, “Uh, Max? What are you doi….OH GOD TAKE OFF!!!!” Not asking questions, I slammed the chopper into full power and began my ascent. Looking backward, I could see a grenade roll towards the gas pumps at the perfect moments the cops were rolling up. “I AM A VATO, BITCHES!” Maximus screamed. I can’t blame him for the shout out…we were the Vato Loco Gang, after all.

Thanks to my awesome chopper skills, I avoided the debris flying through the air, along with several cop bodies. If they weren’t pissed off before,t hey were now! I would say, on a scale of zero to five, with five being the most pissed off, they were a four. Making sure the throttle was cranked as high as it could go, I pushed forward on the stick to get our ass out of there. Suddenly, a bright spot light all but blinded me as the police helicopters circled in. Two of them! This wasn’t going to be easy, but with my skills, I knew I had a good chance to out fly them.

I told everyone to hang on as I was going to try some serious shit to get away. That’s when I heard gun fire coming from the back of the chopper. Yeah, Maximus was shooting at the cops with a god damn pistol as they chased us in a helicopter! It’s like he just wanted to get us put into the hospital. That shit is more expensive than the money we just took, plus we’d lose all the money we just got if we did! Wyldfyre’s laughing his ass off, which caused me to start laughing my ass off as we dove beneath bridges, hard cut around buildings and were trying to get away. Of course, every gun shot from Maximus let them know where we were, so it wasn’t going so well. To make matters worse, I noticed the engine was smoking like crazy. The helicopter was shaking like a baby in the hands of a British nanny and the alarms were going off. “Shit, shit, shit!” I screamed out to them, “Hold on! We’re going down, buddy!” Sure enough, the engine quickly cut power as we rounded a building, dropping us like a rock. By the hand of God or Buddha, the helicopter lifted up once more as we neared Vinewood Hills. Managing to put the chopper down, I screamed for everyone to run separate directions to distract the cops. Wyldyfre took off and so did I, but what did Maximus do? He followed me, randomly shooting pedestrians and cops alike! Okay, I thought that WAS pretty funny and it did give us a chance to steal a cop car.

I told Maximus I would drive since he drove like shit, and we began our get away. They damn cops were on us like stink on diarrhea. Every time I’d think we’d broken their sight of us, either Maximus would kill someone or the choppers would find us. Deciding there was nothing I could do about Maximus, I began to run people over for fun in the cop car. Wyldfyre, in touch with us through our headsets, kept screaming how the cops were on his ass, and his car was taking a harder pounding than a porn star. His words, not mine. Seeing a possibility for escape, I jumped the car into one of the many underground tunnels and begged Maximus to just stay quiet. Thank god he did because we lost the cops. The next thing I know, I hear Wyldfyre begging for help because he could only drive in reverse due to the damage on his car. I began to make my way out to him, but…I kind of got the car stuck in the tunnel. Just…don’t ask…it was wet, slippery and…well…it got stuck.

Maxiums told me to hang on and he’d help out. His idea of help? He stole a car and proceeded to try ramming me out of the ditch. Did it work? Well, if his intention was to get another car stuck, then yes. Getting out of the car and trying to figure out what to do next, Wyldfyre’s voice crackled over the headset like a madman. He was laughing his ass off how he just outran the cops, who were like a four out of five pissed off, in reverse with nothing more than a pistol and that fucked up car! Yeah, I don’t know how he did it, either! We are talking about the guy who would later shoot a chopper out of the sky with a pistol and another time with a musket so…whatever.

I split up our take and Maximus, the unbelievable psycho he is, wanted to hit another store. So…of course we did. After I stole another chopper, though.

So, there you go, diary, my first entry. I’ll write more in you from time to time as things happen.


Just check out these reviews for Sunrie’s WordPress site:

“He’s…maybe not a racist!” – User13277

“WTF?!” – Wyldfyre

“Seriously? Why do you write this? I mean, really? That picture, too? Did you really need that, babe? That’s disgusting…No. No! God damn it, stop typing what I’m saying!” – Sunrie’s Wife

“Your father and I did our best.” – Sunrie’s Mother

If those aren’t endorsements, I don’t know what is!

Evildron’s Master Plan (Best Dang Power Ranger Fan Fiction Ever Written!)

Evildron’s Master Plan

The multiverse has collapsed thanks to one of the Rangerverse villains succeeding in a secret plan and this caused a mixing of multiple realities into one. Now Tommy, Sky, Jen, Dustin and Carlos must battle a new threat while trying to return all of reality back to the way it was. Unfortunately, their personalities are a serious mash up of almost every possible type, and they don’t act the way they should. Oh, and thanks to temporal-dimensional shielding Zordon and Alpha 5 were not only okay, also brought back to life to work as the Rangers’ leader.

This is just one story in a vast and populated mythos, so don’t worry about trying to know who everyone is. The story itself will give you all the information you need to know!


It’s a beautiful day in Angel Bay Crest Grove. To start off with, at least. For several weeks the Power Rangers had been suffering crippling defeat after crippling defeat, but they have finally turned the tied of battle once again. Reconstruction of the city was under way, and there had been no attacks for about three days. Under the suggestion of Jen, the Power Rangers were having a nice day at the beach. You know, sipping drinks, hanging out and shit. Life was good for right now.

Even the most perfect Brandy Bunch sunny day can have a cloud somewhere in the sky, however, and this cloud’s name was Evildron. At his dark and mysterious layer, Evildron was busy preparing to make life hell for the Power Rangers and the inhabitants of Angel Bay Crest Grove. He was always doing that, but this time, he meant business. For real business. The kind of business Hollywood loves to try and make up but they can’t, because this business is too fucking real.

As everyone knows, Evildron looked like a basketball player sized humanesque eagle, but instead of feathers, he was hairy like a wookie, except every so often there really were dark brown and black feathers in his fur. His eyes were always yellow, except when they turned red. He only had two outfits, but they were the exact same as each other: a red hoodie which said “Born To Be Bad Ass’ on the front (he never wore the hood up except when he was sneaking around rich neighborhoods at night) and jeans which were ripped up around the ankles giving an awesome “I don’t give a fuck about fashion!” look to them. Oh, and let’s not forget the neon green with yellow trim sneaks he wore. They even have Velcro instead of laces. He was pure evil.

Evildron was viciously typing away at his keyboard to finish up his latest creation. This had taken so much time to do, because it was his absolute best yet. He was proud of it, and he should be. This was something the Power Rangers had never faced before, and they would surely be frightened by it’s majesty.

“Evildron?” his human college aged assistant, Sloan, called out to him. Sloan was trying to fulfill his doctrine requirements through interning with Evildron. Even though Evildron was an evil asshole, the college recognized how much experience with quantum, mechanical, and biological theory working with him would provide, so they authorized the internship. Sloan wasn’t evil himself, he was just not really liked. He had self diagnosed himself with aspergers syndrome just so he didn’t have to apologize for being a dick. Sloan looked like you’d expect: nerdy glasses, a white lab coat, and stood all of 125 skinny pounds at 5’10”.

“Evildron?” Sloan called out again as he entered into the giant, cavernous area Evildron was busy working at. All around them were test tubes bubbling with who-remembers-what-or-why-in-the-first-place. Small candles flickered and danced, but they were only there for aroma therapy, since the work area was blasted with spot lights anyway.

“What do you want?!” half cawed, half yelled Evildron. He didn’t like to be interrupted, and Sloan was doing just that. Evildron’s voice was a mixture of James Cagney and Piggy from the Power Rangers: SPD story arc.

“Ah! There you are, Evildron. What have you been so busy with?” Sloan asked, looking over Evildron’s shoulders and fixing his glasses. The coding was zipping past his eyes on the screen, until a big green flashing text appeared which read, “FINISHED!!!!!” Evildron laughed maniacally and threw his hands in the air.

“It’s finished! At long last!” Evildron exclaimed, jumping to his feet and rushing over to a metallic archway that looked like it was put together by erector set pieces, “My greatest creation is something the Rangers have never dealt with before!” Sloan squinted, but couldn’t see in the darkness.

“Uh…what is it?” Sloan asked, crossing his arms as he tried to catch a glimpse of whatever was hiding in the veil of dark.

“Oh, you shall see, Sloan! You shall see!” Evildron chuckled as he threw on the lights, “Behold! My greatest creation!” The lights thundered on, one by one, until the magnificent new creation was visible to anyone inside the evil hideout.

“It…it’s a giant dick…” Sloan stated in a very horse almost whisper.

“Of course it is!” Evildron spat out in shock Sloan was even remotely surprised. If you’ve never seen an eagle smile, you’re missing out, because that’s exactly the look on Evildron’s face turned to. The mix of evil and awesome would be too much for any normal mortal to gaze upon.

“Um, I take it this thing is finished?” Sloan asked, blushing bright red. The entire thing was hairless, peach colored, and vein-y as hell.

“Not yet,” Evildron said with a sigh, “As soon as I finish up the balls, we’ll be ready to roll on the Rangers, though.” Stepping closer to Sloan, Evildron put an arm over Sloan’s closest shoulder and leaned in, almost whispering, “Tell me it won’t be fun to see the Rangers knock my junk around.” Sloan’s eyes were the size of dinner plates as he slowly turned to look at Evildron, who was raising what one could call his eyebrows up and down rapidly.

“Oookay…” Sloan said, swallowing hard, feeling very uncomfortable now and stepping back from Evildron, “What do you call a giant dick bot anyway?”

“Well, not a dick bot, obviously!” Evildron howled waiving his hands with anger in the air at such a stupid suggestion, “That would just be stupid! It’s the Remote Access Pilot Enhanced Battle Optomized Tron! The R, A, P, E, B, O, T!” Sloan scratched his chin mumbling for a few moments before he spoke.

“R, A, P, E, B, O, T? Rape Bot?!” Sloan questioned, feeling dizzy.

“IT’S A RAPE BOT!!!!” Evildron screamed while stomping his feet the moment Sloan had finished talking. Sloan was so shocked he actually jumped back because he though Evildron was going to pounce on him. “Now make yourself useful! While I finish construction on the balls, I need you to clean up the rest of it,” Evildron instructed Sloan while picking up a rag and a bucket of water, “It’s been unattended for three days. Polish up the shaft.”

Back in the Command Center
“That, Alpha 5, is where your baby robots come from,” Zordon informed Alpha 5 and ended his lecture, “Now, please, Alpha 5, scan the city for disturbances. Evildron has been much too quiet lately.”

“Aye, yi, yi, yiiiiii!” Alpha 5 cried out and waddled to the control panel, “That was not as exciting as I expected the story to be, Zordon! I guess robots are just built!”

“Exactly, Alpha 5. Is the city safe?” Zordon asked. Alpha 5 spun around and did a little happy robot jig.

“Yes, Zordon! Everything is just fine right now! I’m going to check in on the Rangers,” Alpha 5 said and activated the viewing globe, which tuned in directly to Jen’s breasts, “Aye, yi, yi, yi, yiiiii!” Zordon laughed and adjusted the viewing globe to show the entire scene at the beach.

Carlos was being a bad ass and surfing like a pro. Nothing in his previous incarnations would have really proven he was a surfer, but when the multiverse collapsed, he seemed to have the ability to shred waves like an epic pro. Dustin was making mad sand sculptures with the help of Tommy. Jen was busy playing volleyball and kicking everyone’s ass as a one person team. Sky, on the other hand, was practicing his yoga on the rocks above the beach, getting in touch with his spiritual side.

“Just one more part to this sculpture, Tommy, and we’ll be finished with a 1:1 reproduction of the Taj Mahal!” Dustin stated excitedly as he filled another bucket with sand.

“Yeah, this is going to be the greatest sand sculpture anyone has even made on this beach. No one beats a Ranger at doing ANYTHING!” Tommy boasted and did a wicked ass spinning jump kick in pride. Seeing Tommy do the spin kick made Dustin drop the bucket and give Tommy a high five for being so damn cool. None of the Rangers worried about having their identities in this collapsed multiverse discovered, so they never tried to hide the fact they were Power Rangers.

“Not bad, Tommy, but you’re no SPD recruit!” Sky taunted to Tommy from his rock. Tommy raised his middle finger up to Sky and just laughed.

“If you’re so awesome, then why were you always just a recruit even as a Ranger?!” Tommy teased back.

“Eat a sack of balls!” Sky shouted down to Tommy in jest as he picked up his yoga equipment and began making his way to everyone. Jen came bounding up next to Tommy just as Carlos was getting out of the water.

“I heard something about a sack of balls and I thought, ‘Yeah, I can get in on that!'” Jen laughed, looking around. Since she didn’t have to worry about Alex anymore, she became a huge slut. Not just any slut, the slut to end all sluts. She wasn’t a total slut about it, though. A thought always in the back of her mind was if Sky was her great, great, great grandpa or not. With the collapse of the multiverse, she couldn’t be sure, so she did her best not to slut him up.

“Hey, guys! Got room for one more bean in this Ranger burrito?!” Carlos jokingly asked, playing on the fact he was Hispanic. That had pretty much become his thing. Jen laughed once when he did it and he never stopped from that day on. They did all think it was pretty funny, though. “Wow! Nice Taj Mahal!” Carlos excitedly stated, looking over it all.

“I’ll say! Seriously, though, did someone mention a sack of balls? I could go for a snack!” Jen exclaimed, licking her lips.

“Here, gra…uh, ma’am,” Sky said, getting a hotdog out of the picnic basket and giving it to her, “This should keep you tied over.” Jen greedily took the hotdog and began to lick it and deep throat it, but gently nibbling it, too. Tommy, Dustin, and Carlos followed the movements of the hotdog with their heads, as well as their eyes. Sky, on the other hand, didn’t know what to think and just slowly backed away. He did, however, bump fists with Carlos, who never took his eyes off Jen manipulating the hotdog. Right when Jen began sliding the hotdog between her boobs, their morphers rang out with a familiar tune.

“Damn it! Right when my taquito was getting crunchy!” Carlos said, kicking sand around. Jen winked at him while sliding the hotdog back into her mouth and took a big bit.

“We read you, Zordon! What’s going on?” Sky asked into the communicator, thankful for the distraction.

“Rangers! We have trouble!” Zordon’s voice echoed out excitedly, “There’s some…well…some dick is trashing downtown!” The Rangers just looked at each other and shrugged. If Zordon thought they were going to take care of something the police should do, he had another thing coming.

“So what? We don’t deal with criminals. Call the cops,” Tommy forcefully said over his communicator. Jen gave him a high five for being so cool.

“Aye, yi, yi, yi, yiiii!” Alpha 5’s voice buzzed over the speakers, “No, Rangers! There literally is a huge dick destroying down town! Like…A PENIS!”

“PENIS?!” Jen excited asked, “We’re on it! Rather, I’ll try to get on it! It’s morphin’ time!” Jen immediately became the pink ranger before anyone else could even react. Jumping up and down excitedly, she begged at the other rangers, “Come on! We can’t let a massive phallus tear up our town and get all dirty, can we?!” With a shrug, the rest of the rangers activated their powers and teleported directly to their Zords.

Before the Rangers got to the R.A.P.E. B.O.T, Evildron was already high atop a building, watching his creation destroy the town. He couldn’t help but feel the pride every father felt at first sight of their child, except for, you know, those fathers who found out the child their wife delivered didn’t have a remote possibility of being theirs. Sloan was there as well, but he didn’t really want to be. Watching a giant dick flop around down town wasn’t his idea of a good time. Still, he did admire the craftsmanship of the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. Like a chair dildo, it was stiff up until approximately 1/4 of the shaft, at which point it could pivot and swing about wildly, which it used to maximize destruction. The shaft was somehow using the balls to move around almost like a snail, but much faster.

“It certainly is…” Sloan started to say, but trailed off before finishing. Evildron gave that epic eagle smile once again, arms folded and bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.

“Awesome? Epic? The greatest damn creature you’ve ever seen?” Evildron asked, not really wanting an answer, “Just wait until you see it in combat against those stupid Rangers!” Sloan didn’t know how to reply. He just sat in half awe, half agony as his throat remained dry. A roar in the distance snapped him out of his self induced trance and he looked to the left. That’s when he saw the multiverse version of the Megazord appear! Honestly, the Megazord is so awesome looking, it just cannot be described! So, imagine that!

“Here they are at last! Now my R.A.P.E. B.O.T. will destroy the Rangers, Sloan! Just wait and see,” Evildron told Sloan, punching him in the shoulder. Like a little bitch, Sloan groaned and rubbed his arm, which caused Evildron to punch him two more times while laughing.

Inside the most amazing Megazord of all time, the Rangers were finally able to see what they were about to face. Gasps came from Carlos, Tommy, and Dustin, but a single giddy shriek was heard from Jen, who also started clapping excitedly.

“Whoa! Zordon wasn’t kidding! That is the second biggest dick I’ve ever seen!” Dustin exclaimed, gripping his controls tighter. Everyone went instantly quiet and slowly looked at Dustin, who wasn’t even remotely kidding. No one asked, as this wasn’t the time, however, as to what the absolute biggest dick he had ever seen was.

“We’re going to have our hands full on this one, guys!” Tommy stated.

“That’s what I said!” Jen giggled, licking her lips in her helmet.

“Let’s wrap this up!” Sky shouted, just wanting the conversation and battle to end before it even started.

“Said the condom!” Carlos laughed out while slapping his knee, “We can take care of this no problem!”

“RIGHT!” the other four Rangers shouted out at the same time and pushed the Megazord into a faster speed. Upon reaching the R.A.P.E. B.O.T, they Megazord slammed into it with a force which caused a huge pressure wave to explode around them. The Megazord wrapped its arms around the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. and tried to toss it to the ground, but they only succeeded in making it flop about more. The giant dick repeatedly pounded them in the face, causing them to stagger. Like a cobra, the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. reared back and pointed its purple head directly at them.

“It’s no use! It’s too soft and floppy! It just keeps hitting us in the face!” Dustin cried.

“Now you assholes know how I feel!” Jen shouted to everyone, “Hey?! What’s it doing?!” Everyone turned their attention to the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. as it assumed the new menacing position.

“Yes! Excellent!” Evildron excitedly clapped while jumping up and down, “Do you see that, Sloan? It’s working! They can’t defeat it!” Sloan didn’t answer as he was in too much shock and awe over the entire incident. Suddenly the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. coiled backwards and let loose a spit of slimey goo all over the Megazord’s visual sensors.

“Perfect! Fuck them up by fucking them!” Evildron exclaimed at first, then lowered his voice while rubbing his right nipple in a circle, “Yes…yes, that’s good. That’s good.” Sloan was in a new state of horror as he first watched the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. attack the Rangers and then Evildron rubbing his own nipple. Sloan tried to talk, but he couldn’t.

“Oh my god!” screamed Tommy, “All visual sensors are offline! We’re blind, guys! What are going to do?!”

“Thank goodness the bay doors were closed!” Jen exclaimed, “You don’t want to go into this kind of thing unprotected!” Sky, blushing like crazy, just shook his head.

“Yeah, okay, let’s, uh…let’s think here! I’ve got it!” Sky shouted, “Call in the Super Megazord Flame Sabre!”

“What are you thinking, Sky?” Carlos asked, “This is no time for carne asada or even fajitas, hijo!” Tommy reached over at that point giving Carlos a high five for being so cool at that moment. Carlos felt a huge sense of pride, as any time Tommy treated you as cool, it meant something huge. I mean, Tommy was the definition of “cool”. Fonzy, who?

“There is one weakness to this monster,” Sky said. Before he could continue, Dustin interrupted him.

“You’re right! I think I saw it, too!” Dustin said, snapping is fingers, “It’s uncircumcised!”

“Brilliant, but that’s not what it could be, Dustin,” Jen chimed up, “That dick is circumcised. Trust me, I know!”

“Exactly, Jen! We’re going to attack the balls and if we can’t defeat it completely, we can at least put a hurt on it for a few days! We’ll at least be able to stop the goo attacks by giving it a vasectomy!” Sky said with all the excitement of a man with the best plan ever.

“Good plan, Sky! Let’s do it!” Tommy shouted. Everyone used their morphers to give the Megazord more power as they called upon the Super Megazord Flame Sabre.

“No! What are they doing?! What can they hope to accomplish?!” Evildron started screaming as he saw the flaming sword appear. Watching in terror, Evildron felt sick as he saw the Megazord poke directly into the balls of the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. “No!” Evildron screamed as his creation flailed about, “Retreat! We must retreat!”

“Master, why are we retreating?! I thought we were winning?” Sloan questioned, covering his nose to protect himself from the smell of burning flesh. Evildron grabbed Sloan by his shirt and began shaking him.

“No! They found my master plan’s one weakness! Also, the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. is only really good for two uses a day! Four if we took a week off,” Evildron explained to Sloan, “I took it out for a test drive earlier today. It needs to be rested!”

“Good job, Rangers! I think we definitely hit it!” Tommy congratulated everyone, “While it’s still sore, let’s finish it off!”

“Go, go, Power Rangers!” Carlos, Jen, Sky and Dustin all shouted out. With a mighty stomp, the Megazord stepped directly onto the balls while clearing the visual sensors the best they could. Even though the view from inside the Megazord stung their eyes, the Rangers were finally able to see once again! The R.A.P.E. B.O.T. was flopping around on the ground now, in absolute agony and unable to defend itself from further attack.

“Evildron! Your creation! The…the…” Sloan stuttered, pointing frantically toward the battle, quickly drawing to an end. Raising the Super Megazord Flame Sabre high in the air, the Rangers then repeatedly chopped up R.A.P.E. B.O.T. like a cucumber. Turning their back to it, in the classic “I don’t give a fuck!” pose, the monster exploded behind them in a fireball so large, it killed every human for six blocks in a 360 degree ring.

“No!” screamed Evildron in heartbreak.

“We have to get out of here before they find us!” Sloan cried as he hid against Evildron’s chest.

“Next time, Rangers! Next time!” Evildron screamed as started to fade out.

That night, the Rangers were having fun at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice bar in celebration of their victory. No one ever seemed to care when people were killed by the explosions of monsters, so the Rangers never thought anything of it either.

“That was a great fight, guys!” Sky said, tipping his red Dixie cup to everyone and slamming back a hard mixed drink.

“Yeah, I’m just glad we made it out of there all okay,” Tommy said, leaning back in his chair, “Not that I had any doubt.”

“If Evildron wants to keep fighting, we’ll keep fighting! No matter where he sends his monsters, we’ll hop to it like a bunch of Mexican jumping beans!” Carlos said with a grin and slammed back two tequila sours in rapid succession.

“Yeah, Evildron doesn’t know anything! If he really had any brains, he wouldn’t have sent a dick monster after us. A pussy would have been better, those things can take a beating!” Jen said, as she begin to suck on a pair of cherries as if she were working balls. Dustin coughed and started choking on his bitch diet drink as Tommy gave Jen a high five, filling her with pride, and making her give him a promising wink.

“So, Dustin,” Tommy started, slapping Dustin on the back, “What is the biggest dick, exactly, that you’ve seen?”


END SCENE! WOW! How awesome is that!? Yeah, I know, that’s the best fucking fan fiction you’ve ever read, isn’t it? I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before this becomes a canonical episode!

The trouble with tri…I mean noob

Noob [new-ub]: noun, verb, -noobing, or noobed

-noun
1. A person who is insufficient in the playing of a game, which results in terrible tactics and inconsistent game play. That noob keeps falling off the building when we try to get to the other side!

-verb(used with object), verb(used without object)
2. To act in a way in which is common to someone who is terrible at playing a game: This dude won’t stop noobing it up!  I just got noobed because he fell on me!

Ah yes…the term “noob”.  It’s been in usage for decades, and no one is exactly sure where it came from.  The problem is, the term has become completely corrupted and the definition twisted.  Why?  Because most people don’t understand what it really means.  A lot of people probably even think the definition is too archaic and not practical anymore.

Many people believe that “noob” is just a form of insult used against someone who is able to beat others with ease.  For instance, one might call a person a “noob” for only using throws in a Street Fighter match and winning, while the one who was beat attempted to pull off twenty or thirty hit combos and still lost.  Another person might call someone a noob for using the ACR in Modern Warfare 2 and getting many kills while they are trying to use a .44Mag in order to snipe across the map to be “Pro”.

The fact is, people who are noobs are the ones crying about the tactics of others and at the same time, can’t counter their tactics.  Who’s the noob?  A person camping a corner and getting 20 kills and 1 death, or the person running around and getting 8 kills and 10 deaths?  Yes, that’s right, the person camping the corner is doing more for their team than the person running around feeding the other team.

Let’s face it: A noob is someone who is new to the game and terrible, or is just terrible at the game to begin with.  I only refer to people as a noob when they keep coming at me the same way and dying.  This goes for FPS as well as fighting games.  If me doing a sweep kick and ONLY a sweep kick gets me the win, then you’re the noob for not knowing how to counter me.  There are no cheap tactics, only insufficient players.

So, come on, people!  Find something else to call someone.  If someone is a noob, then they should be easy to kill and are not a threat.  Don’t call someone a “fireball noob” or an “AK47 noob”, it only makes you look stupid.  Oh, and I don’t mean start referring to them as homosexuals or anything like that.  That’s equally as moronic.

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Posted 2/10/2010 at 3:37 PM on Xanga

Winning isn’t everyting, except…

…it’s just the only thing which actually matters.  Let’s face it, how you play the game doesn’t really matter, especially if you are terrible and lose.  Play terribly and win means the only one who cares about how you played is YOU.

We teach people, “It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, but how you play the game!”  However, is this really true?  Well, I’m not really asking you, since this is my blog, I’m more asking in a rhetorical fashion.  Yes, I will be the one answering that “question”, so just hold your panties from twisting up.

I don’t remember when exactly I heard someone say this quote last, but it was on my drive to work.  Let’s face it, people remember the win and the loss, not the plays between.  Do great all football game, and one bad pass is remembered if you lost, but win and no one will care about a hundred bad passes.

What really got me thinking was all those times on Modern Warfare 2 when I would be the only person with a positive kill to death ratio for my entire team.  Most of the time I’d win the match for everyone, but there were often times when we’d still lose, regardless of the high number of kills and low number of deaths I had achieved.  Then there are the few times when we’d win the match, but I sandbagged hard.  Guess what mattered in the end?  Yeah, that’s right, the fact that I have another “W” to add to my stats and the crying of the other team.

Now, who did it matter to when we won, but I sandbagged?  Yes, that’s correct, only me.  The only person it mattered to, the only person it actually affected is me.  No one else cares because we won. The other team sure doesn’t care.  In the end the other team still lost.  No one is going to remember my score, unless they made a screen shot for their own reasons, and in that case, they still don’t care I didn’t do as well.

Now, let’s say that Person A and Person B are in a boxing match.  Now imagine that Person A is beating the holy living hell out of Person B.  Person B is giving everything they have to win, but Person A is only putting about 50% of their skill into it.  Person A ends up knocking out Person B.

Do you really think that anyone cares Person A wasn’t giving it their all?  Hell no.  What everyone will remember is the impressive beat down.  Even should Person A state they weren’t giving it everything they had, no one will care.  Most people will be amazed that they did that kind of damage with only a little bit of work on their end.

The end result is what is important, not how you got there or why.  A win is a win.  Did the other person drop out?  Well, it doesn’t matter, you won.  Sure, it might not feel good to YOU, but in the end, the record shows and history remembers you as the winner.  A warrior doesn’t care how the end result is obtained as long as it is.

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Posted 2/2/2010 at 2:43 AM on Xanga

How to survive in Modern Warfare 2

Okay, there are a ton of guides out there on Xanga now ranging from how to survive a zombie apocalypse to surviving an economic downturn. Some of these a funny, most are not. Let’s face it, most of you can’t write and the few of you that can, I give comments and Xanga props to.

I’m sick and tired of a lot of things. Duh. However, I’m really sick of hearing people complain during gaming sessions on Modern Warfare 2. I’m going to teach you how to survive and win without being a moron. Oh, and this is more of a “serious” entry.

What makes me qualified to write this? Well, considering I have a 2.28/1 Kill/Death ratio and most of you have under 1/1, I’m better than you. Also, I generally score in the top three every match.
 
 
1. Use the Grenade Launcher
Use the damn thing! It gets lots of kills, it pisses people off, and it’s easy to use. Who’s more of a noob: the person using the worst gun in the game and getting 14/55 to be “pro” or the person using the grenade launcher and getting 22/8?

Yeah, that’s right, you pansy, you’re the noob for not using something which kills fast, efficiently, and easily. Use everything to your advantage. If that means grouping the grenade launcher with the Thumper, then do it. If you’re scoring extremely well using this set up, then keep doing it. You’re doing the team good.


“I iz up in ur face, grenading jo0!!!!”

For those of you complaining about the grenade launcher, think for a moment, will you?! There is a bit of quiet between reloads, which means you move then. There is also the fact that you should run TOWARDS the grenade launcher in order to get away from it. Most people will over shoot, either because of lag or they expect you to try to run backward.
 
 
2. Camp and Attack
Yes, camp out if it’s working for you.

Pros and cons of camping are as follows:
Pros:
– Can net a lot of kills
– Great “GOTCHA!” moments
– You have a good vantage point
– Pisses people off

Cons:
– People know where you are all the time…it’s like a permanent UAV
– Generally restricted movement if many people come after you
– You will become the target of everyone you keep killing
– Not a valid tactic on all maps, such as Rust


“Who wants to do some fishing next?”

If you’re camping and killing people, then you’re doing better than the person running around the map trying to be a hero who keeps feeding the enemy team. If you keep getting killed by a camper, then figure something else out! You’re an idiot if you keep doing the same thing, time after time, in order to “get back” at the camper.

Think of it…if every time you came around a corner I hit you in the face with a frying pan, would you keep coming around the same corner the same way? Well, I know most of you idiots would, but the point is still you should do something different.Best tips for camping is to get two or three kills in one spot and then move slightly. Don’t hang out like an dumb ass in one position the entire time. What will generally happen is one or more jack offs will come gunning for your ass, but you’ve already moved. You should have a clear view of where you used to be as well. What will generally happen is someone will jump around the corner, firing into an empty area, and you mow everyone down from a new spot. The moment you kill everyone, move immediately from your new spot! Now find a different area and let them survive a little longer, and pick them off one by one. This lets you camp the new spot for a while.


Why has I kept being ownzed???”

As far as taking out campers goes, you know where they are, so do something about it! No camping spot is perfect, you brainless twat. If you learn where the camping spots are, you can learn better ways to counter the campers.

For instance, on the map “Invasion”, one of the best camping spots is ~inside~ the Ranger building. From inside, you’re protected from air strikes and most grenades. The far end of the building has a small window opening and a couch, which adds to bullet protection. The Achilles’ heel to this area? There’s a back stairway most people don’t check, which provides access to the camper in that section and the long hallway which leads to the exposed sniper’s nest. Also, the camper needs to run back and forth between two windows in order to watch both flanks. It’s not too hard to watch for the person to leave the window, sneak up behind, and then knife them when they return, allowing you to kill anyone else up there undetected.

Also, the kill cam is ALWAYS active unless you’re playing on hardcore game modes, so it’s not like you couldn’t have known.

Now that you know, stop being a whining bitch about campers.
 
 
3. CHECK YOUR DAMN MINI MAP!!!!


Red means enemy, retard 😉

 
 
*deep breath* Okay…*further exhale* You have a mini map which is ALWAYS present, so use the thing! Guess what? A red spot means an enemy is there! Don’t go rushing past an enemy marker and get shot in the back, damn it.

I’ve seen way too many people go in a group of three or more run past a red dot on the mini map, which is very obvious, and get mowed down by a single person from behind. You have to be a real fucking idiot to let this happen.The field of view on Modern Warfare 2 is limited to 60° so it’s extremely important to keep an eye on your mini map. If someone is firing in a spot, and you notice it on your mini map, go after them! Chances are they don’t know you’re there and you can get an easy kill.Silencers make the mini map less useful, but so don’t count on it. Just like the heartbeat sensor isn’t something you should completely depend on. What you should take away from this is, don’t just concentrate on what’s directly in front of you. Snipers are the worst about this. It’s very satisfying to sneak up on a camper watching who is watching directly in front of them or a sniper and knife them in the back of the head.
 
 
4. Three perks to choose from…three perks to rule them…and three perks to bring them all and in the ownage, bind them!
There are three perks you set up on your character, and not all of them are very useful. Here are some of the best combinations:

Assault Rifle/Shotgun Setup
– Scavenger (Pro)
– Stopping Power (Pro)
– Ninja (Pro)

This setup allows you to continuously replenish your ammo as you kill people. Even when you camp, this is important. There will be lulls in the fire fight allowing you to rush out, grab the ammo, and then hide again. This setup is even great for people who “Run’N’Gun”, because you will always have ammo. Also, you will get additional secondary equipment, such as flash grenades or throwing knives.

Really want to piss people off? Set yourself up with a grenade launcher and this perk list. You’ll always have a grenade ready to launch in the face of everyone you come across, getting lots of kills and a ton of people really, really mad.

Sniper Setup
– Sleight of Hand (Pro)
– Cold-Blooded (Pro)
– Sitrep (Pro) / Steady Aim (Pro)

Okay, why? It should be obvious, even to you deadpans. Sleight of Hand not only allows for faster reloading, but it also allows for faster aiming when you get the Pro version. You NEED THIS as a sniper! Even just the regular Sleight of Hand with faster reloading is important to a sniper. Reloading in this game takes forever, and when you’re a sniper, one of the most hated classes, you don’t want to be left reloading.

Cold-Blooded keeps enemy kill streaks from targeting your ass. When you’re sitting outside, hiding, you don’t want a chopper, a predator missile, harrier, or anything like that being able to target you. Without out it, you show up with a red square around your ass, basically screaming, “SHOOT ME IN THE FACE!!!”

Sitrep allows you to see tactical inserts, claymores, flash grenades, and any other secondary item, besides a throwing knife, as a bright red mark on your screen.

Stead Aim is also great when you get the Pro version because you can hold your breath longer. Do I really need to explain why this is important to a sniper?
 
 
5. Jump, crouch, and insta-prone
People hate bunny hopping. You get a bonus to aim when you crouch. People don’t shoot towards your feet. Get the picture?


“If we catch hell, someone hacked!!!!”

Bunny Hopping is when someone jumps around the map hoping to get away with not dying, but killing you. Some people try to argue that bunny hopping is not possible in Call of Duty because after the first jump, your character does not continue jumping the same height each time. This is bull shit. Bunny hopping is repeated jumping. Period.<

Why do they think this works? Well, because of the latency issue. The higher the lag, the more likely it is to seem that bunny hopping is actually working. It is, to an extent, but it's not nearly as useful tactic as the user believes. Most of the time what happens is the hit boxes get messed up and either trail the in game character or distort completely, meaning you think you're hitting someone but you aren't. MW2, and many other games, use what's called "Normalizing", so even the latency isn't too much of an issue.

Trust me, don't bunny hop. You only die in the air. It's not effective and it screws up your aim. However, when you know, for 100% certain, someone is around a corner, it's not always a bad idea to jump around it and fire. Try to toss a flash grenade first, though.

When you crouch, you gain an IMMEDIATE accuracy bonus. This should be your firing position of choice when moving around the map. Whenever you stop to scan an area, crouch. Also, it obviously makes you a smaller target. So, why not do it? Your speed might decrease when moving, but so what? Your accuracy more than makes up for that. Also, most people will end up shooting over you. This brings me to my next point.

INSTANTLY GO PRONE IN A FIRE FIGHT! Not only do you gain a higher accuracy bonus, but most people are expecting you to run around or jump, because they're morons. Because so many people think that jumping is the way to go, most people will aim high. More often than not, you will mow your opponent down, leaving them to rage that you went prone instead of jumping. Also, anyone coming to help your victim will more than likely fire at mid height thinking that's where you are. The mini map doesn't show what position the person firing is in, and that's to your advantage.

Oh, and lastly…serpentine! Don't be a jack ass and rush your opponent head on…zig-zag, you moron. A moving target is more difficult to hit than a standing one, so move about.
 
 
6. Do everything to win…EVERYTHING


“Kick him in the nards!!!”

For the love of god…if it’s in the game and not an exploit, a hack, or a glitch, use it! Get over the mentality that something is cheap. Nothing is cheap. If it’s getting you a high number of kills, then it’s a worthwhile tactic. If camping is netting you more kills than the person running around the map, then keep camping. If you running around the camp is getting more kills than any camper, keep running around.

Have the warrior mentality of “winning at all costs”. No, the game is not “Serious Business”, but it is your duty, in game, to win the match. If you’re playing a deathmatch, then your job is to kill as many people as possible while dying as less often as possible. So, if you need to use a grenade launcher to achieve that goal, then by god you better do it. If you’re playing an objective based game, then find the best way to get points for your team and use the best tactics to do so.

Should you find yourself on the ass end of a ass whipping, then you better figure something else out. Don’t keep doing the same thing getting you killed! Learn how to identify, adapt, and overcome. If you can’t do that, then you aren’t as good at this game as you think you are.

This all applies to life as well. In a street fight, you’re fighting for your life, so poke out eyeballs, go for crotch shots, and use everything in your immediate area. EVERYTHING is a weapon if you put your mind to it.

Don’t complain about someone’s tactics unless you know for a fact they are hacking. In which case, do what you can to own them like crazy. Sadly, in MW2, this is all we can do since Infinity Ward has decided to not allow vote kicking. Until then, just do what you can to make their existence in the server miserable. This includes using as many grenade launcher rounds and flash grenades as possible to make it so they can’t see.

Like I said, just do everything you can to win. Only you know yourself and your limitations, so get rid of your faults as much as possible.
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That’s it for now. If you don’t agree with this, you’re an idiot. Warriors try and nobs cry. Don’t be a noob.


Most of you still don’t get the hint

Posted 1/14/2010 at 6:4 PM on Xanga